Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › What is the best way to handle this with dignity and class?
This topic contains 254 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by joan 6 years, 2 months ago.
And if he is incapabld, why or earth are we still talking about this. You are too angry and it is disproportionate to what happened. Get some help to understand why you do that.
I had the worst week ever. My really close friend passed away from a heart attack aged 38 a few days ago, I went through Christmas alone missing my fiance who passed a few years ago. I go through my entire life trying to be kind and nice to people and give them the benefit of the doubt and feel empathy for them and I was REALLY nice to this guy.
He pursued me really intently, and he still kind of does that now with the constant messaging and flirting and I told him I am a nice girl and not interested in that and if he had any character at all he would have just gone away instead of messaging me yesterday to announce he did want a relationship, but not with me. It was unbelievable rude and insensitive and yeah -maybe my fault in the end for being too nice and agreeing to keep talking to him, as according to him, no other woman talks to him ever again after dating him!! Maybe they are smarter than me.
Sending a hug. I’m sorry you had a bad week. Maybe this guy was just the straw that broke the camels back? Please do not waste another thought on this guy. Either way, sounds like some therapy could help you! Therapy is helpful to anyone I think and it sounds to me like you are going through a bit more than just “a bad week”. You’ve suffered some big losses and I’m very sorry.
Sophie, you are attractive, sexy, have great breasts, let it go. Women on this forum can give you tough love, there is some validity to it. We should NOT entertain guys who are not treating us right. You talked to him a tad too much, so don’t do it next time.
Also, in Europe people jump into bed together quite fast, but 9 times out of 10 it backfires at women. So next time don’t get naked with a guy after only 3 dates and when he tells you something serious that offends you, do not talk to him after that at all, say “seeyya” and “have a good life”. Red flags are always there. do not ignore them. I don’t approve of ghosting and not replying as well, this is uncivilized, but you don’t need to provide explanations, you can just let him know that you are not interested anymore. The tone of his texts was arrogant manipulative. My impression is that he enjoyed the position of power he’s earned for himself by writing you off as a GF and saying he will sleep with other women and yet did not expect you to actually turn him down. He expected you to succumb to his charms and continue to sleep with him regardless because “this is what women do”. Whatever, let him tinder around until he is as old as Clooney.
You wanted to end it with class, I don’t think he’d appreciate it, so don’t bother with him anymore.
Sophie-Sorry about your friend who died. He ( the 3 date guy) was a jerk-all the more reason to not give him the time of day or spend any more seconds of your life thinking about him. I will say it again-“Me thinks you doth protest too much” Huge over reaction from you here.
It sounds like you are nice not to actually be nice but to get something back. You sound like you are struggling with grief and boundaries. Your lack of boundaries are nothe his fault, they are yours. I am not one of those women who say to be cold until a man earns your warmth, but I also believe that what men say means nothing without action, and if the two are not aligning towards what I want, I wish them well in love and gratitude for the fun and move on!
Tallspicy – I assure you, if I had an ongoing problem with getting “over invested after 3 dates” then I would seek assistance with that problem. However, as I have said, I am not even interested in him and was not even that interested when I was dating him!!
By turn if I had a problem with getting really angry then I would spend the money on some therapy. But seeing as this problem has been affecting my life for all of 9 hours, I think I am good to maybe just let myself get upset and wake up tomorrow and not speak to the jerk ever again.
What I am getting increasingly angry about is that some people on here seem to be twisting words and facts to make me fit a stereotype of some desperate loser who was clinging on in the hope this wonderful lothario would deign to be interested in me. So pretty much like he did -you are insulting me.
the actual facts are
1. He was more interested in me than I was in him. I was not “invested” in any way shape or form.
2. Despite your mental picture of this man, he is no Casanova. He is 10 years older, out of shape, balding, small in the downstairs department, has arthritus which means activities are not easy for him and he can’t walk much, he is quite cold, he is not really very funny or that interesting to talk to and I was trying to be nice!!!
3. I felt more pity for him than much else when I ended it. I have not been sitting there for weeks and months hoping he would see how wonderful I was and change his mind.
4. I call everyone an ex. It means NOTHING. It is just a word I use if I have dated someone.
5. I call it a breakup when I stop dating anyone. Again, it means NOTHING.
6. I was not wishing or hoping or praying for him to notice me, I had judged him as a pretty nice man, who was kind of sad and could not form relationships as is evidenced by the fact he has never formed any before!
7. He treated me pretty badly -pursuing me and convincing me to date him (knowing I hadn’t had an easy life) and then doing a literally instant 180 in terms of his ability to date. I told him WAY before we ever went out that I did not do FWB or anything remotely in that arena.
8. I let it go when he did that to me and moved on peacefully, even agreeing to still be friendly.
9. Despite me being incredibly nice and charitable to him, in a way he even admits no one else has been (he says all women hate him…go figure) he chose to come to me when I was recovering from a painful bereavement to insult me and tell me that he had treated me so poorly due to a flaw in me. When in actual fact all the flaws are in him.
So yes, it’s made me angry -and yes – that is probably massively exaggerated by the timing but it is also exaggerated by the fact that some people on here are being pretty awful. There’s one person in my story who has “issues” or needs “therapy” and that person is not me!!!
If someone acted like that to your daughter I assure you that you would be telling her that he is a complete jerk!
Jessica -thank you. It was exactly that, the straw that broke the camels back. And I had about 3 years of therapy after my Fiance died, so I am sure I am pretty emotionally healthy inside – just a little angry today about the impact on my life by the various people who are not emotionally healthy.
Nat -yes that is all true. I think I did want to end it with class, and tried to do that before and maybe with some people that is impossible and literally telling them to leave you alone is the only way to go. Pretty sad, but like you say, he will be swiping right with his arthritic fingers long into the future and he can go to H.
Peggy – thanks. I am aware I am more angry than I normally would be due to the timing. But maybe it is just a long, tired exhausted flip out from being pretty sick of these shallow internet dating jerks who only want sex. I am starting to feel like I don’t want to date AT ALL anymore and I am angry at them for making me start to feel jaded by the whole thing.
You really are acting crazy. I hope you know that.
You say: “1. He was more interested in me than I was in him. I was not “invested” in any way shape or form”
Yet you have spent over almost 48 hours and three pages on a forum trying to figure out why he dumped you? Which is what happened. You protest way too much and for a man you SAY you were not even into – I cant believe how much emotional energy you have exhausted on him.
You were invested, all right. Or you would not be on here acting like a crazy lady about a guy you didn’t even like. – yet have sex with.
I’m not really sure what your problem is here? Why are you hurt over this when YOU ASKED him why, and he answered honestly? I would have responded with “thanks for the honesty, good luck player…I’m bowing out”.
This guy is a classic player. He was not only talking to you about some of his exploits with girls, but boobs too, and that would have totally turned me off to the point I would have stopped engaging or responding and let him go. If you are so compelled to formally end something that didn’t even start, then a simple “It was nice knowing you but I’m looking for the real deal, with this I will bid adieu to you” and avoided any further discussion about his sexual depravity.
You for some reason kept entertaining him, while he continued to try to see if he get some sex, and then tried to turn it around but it backfired. If you don’t want to hear the hard cold truth from a self admitted sex crazed man, then don’t ask next time. Hopefully you learned something from this experience and will cut it off before it gets that far next time.
Jen, I started this thread a few hours ago. Maybe 2 hours, maybe 3. Not sure where you are getting your information from. The event only happened about 10 hours ago, so unless I started the thread the day before it happened due to some psychic premonition, you are wrong again.
And I can see determined, again, to try and tell me how I feel (?????????)
And you are right. Maybe you should not date. Because your reaction is so full on overboard, it doesn’t make sense.
Why you would give your power away to some strange man who you claim you were not into, makes zero sense.
You don’t wait for people to ‘leave you alone’ – you take control of yourself and stop the communication.
Mistake number one is this idea that you should be over accommodating and nice to total strangers you meet online. If that is how you want to proceed, do it at your own risk. Because most men on there only want sex with you. So that is why you date a few times and try to find out what their real agenda is. If you don’t sync up then you move on.
Why would you make a man you barely know, and supposedly don’t even really like, a ‘friend’ you don’t have enough friends? You sound like a people pleaser. And as someone else pointed out lack the ability to set up boundaries.
All this drama started even before you posted your thread…
Sophie-I am sympathetic but you are starting to sound as arrogant and entitled as he does. Again,you are over protesting and can not seem to drop this behavior of his or ignore it. You are claiming how superior you actually are to him and how lucky he would be to be with you-do you pick people you think are beneath you to feel good about yourself and then feel outraged and diminished when they do not act as you expect? Something is wrong-you are way too invested in anger,hurt etc you over this. Some guys are jerks-let it go
“What I am getting increasingly angry about is that some people on here seem to be twisting words and facts to make me fit a stereotype of some desperate loser who was clinging on in the hope this wonderful lothario would deign to be interested in me. So pretty much like he did -you are insulting me.”
– I get this feeling Sophie, I’ve been in the exact same position on this forum before. Don’t let it make you angry. Just read the advice that you feel is helpful.
Gosh, like Nat said, the guys texts were arrogant and I think presumptuous- he thought you would respond well or else he wouldn’t have sent them. He probably talks to most women this way as men usually do what has worked for them in the past. Like as you said, surirpise! ….most women don’t like him.
Let him go on fantasizing about your breasts that he will now never see again. He sounds like he has some issues and who cares? Now you know not to ever be friendly to him ever again.
Peggy nailed it.
What Sophie is really saying is “I cant believe even the ugly guy didn’t see ME as GF material’
Maybe you need to stop dating men that are ‘beneath you’
Tereza, thank you, that is it exactly.
Kelly, nope. If In was looks orientated I would not have dated him in the first place, would I? The point I was making is that he is no catch, although appears to believe he is!
No, YOU appear to feel he is a catch. Or you wouldn’t be acting like you lost your best friend.
He is just doing what he does. Doesn’t make him a bad person. Just not the right person for you.
I cant believe you would have such a volatile reaction for a man you barely know. It’s like crying over spilt milk or slapping the waiter because he brought you the wrong meal.
The problem is with guys like this is that you never win, do you? You say nothing and be gracious and they think you just lay down and took it and they keep on disrespecting. But if you call him out on it and get angry -they have the same reaction as Jen and mistake the anger for being emotionally invested or secretly in love. you have to force yourself to becoming someone who clocks and deletes and all that even if it’s not your personality to be like that.
When did it become so normal for men to behave in these ways and for people to make the woman out to be the crazy one? This is everything that is wrong with the dating world because as women, we can’t even fight back or speak up without being labelled as crazy or needy or over invested.
We should actually be able to say “hey you jerk, you chased me telling me you wanted a relationship, then you jerked me around. I walked away but was nice to you and instead of respecting me for that, you keep trying to talk to me about my breasts while insulting my personality two days after my friend died”
But we can’t say that, can we?
We walk away, block, ignore.
I sometimes wonder if the world even progressed from 1950 because if a girl acted like this to a guy and he bawled her out over it he’d be assertive and strong, but if a woman doe sit, she is crazy.
All I really wanted when I came here was for people to tell me the perfect “leave me alone” text that made it clear I did not want to speak to him anymore and that maybe cut him down a peg or too because he obviously thinks he is God’s gift to women. And it annoys me for me, and the 50 women before me that he wanders around doing this over and over again and is so smug about it.
He can choose whatever lifestyle he wants – if that is sex with loads of women and “variety” then he should be upfront about that and not waste the time of genuine people who are open and straight forward in dating.
You want to make him feel as bad as you do.
The problem with this strategy is that you can’t. He doesn’t care.
Neither should you.
When a total stranger comes into your life, you don’t treat that person as a good friend or family member until they EARN it. If you choose to do this, than you end up where you are right now looking for ways to MAKE HIM HURT THE WAY YOU DO – when it wont happen.
I know its frustrating, but if you carry on the idea that you can tell people off and make them feel bad, you will keep on getting disappointed. The majority of people with strong self esteems could care less what a stranger says to us. Because we know who we are, and it rolls off our backs.
This is why women on here have told you to just let it go.
There are a lot of people out there that really could care less about what you feel or think.
The most self centered people (who act like they are ‘people persons’) are the ones like you who cant get over yourself and cant believe someone could get away NOT CARING WHAT YOU SAY OR THINK. If you think you are so much better than him, and he doesn’t want you, why do you even care?
Take your power back and stop fretting about trying to get some kind of revenge. He doesn’t care. Does that make him a bad person. IDK?
He barely knows you so I doubt he really cares. He is probably doing this simultaneously with other women he meets online. So you are just one of the ‘numbers’ – he loses you he has others to play with.
You cant make a player feel bad. He isn’t invested in you.
So send him your text that I copied below and be done with it. If that’s what makes you feel better, let it rip and then move on.
” We should actually be able to say “hey you jerk, you chased me telling me you wanted a relationship, then you jerked me around. I walked away but was nice to you and instead of respecting me for that, you keep trying to talk to me about my breasts while insulting my personality two days after my friend died”
By the way – men never react much to words. They understand ACTIONS. If you simply ignored him that would have way more impact than being dramatic.
I am very sorry about your friend, Sophie, I missed this earlier.
You are stressed and upset and you have reasons to. Don’t pretend to be cool about something if you are not. Why don’t you send him that paragraph about jerking you around? Why are you trying to be classy?
From the description of this man you’ve provided I seriously doubt he is successful with women. He might say he is but do you have proof? I know men do that, they SAY things about their conquests, even those online relationships “gurus”. When you read their material attentively you can deduce that they are giving examples from the same story often and some of them look so stupid that you want to laugh at them, they’d have NO chance with any a woman with any intelligence. lol So I seriously doubt he is sleeping around with different women on alternate week-ends. This maybe his fantasy and he is feeding it to you (and maybe other women he talks to on tinder).
Every time a guy makes it look like he has MANY women at his disposal 99.99% chance that it is BS. Real players work HARD to get women and don’t say stupid things like that. They know that if you tell a woman to her face she is disposable, she will not proceed with you even if you are George Clooney. Players play by the rules to fool NAIVE women but still have to spend time and money on dates, courtship etc. They deceive and lead women on, they don’t tell you straight to your face they are going to dump you after sex or that you are going to be part of his harem. I am not talking about one-night stands from drunken bar encounters. This is not “getting women”, this is taking advantage of silly women who drink too much alcohol.
I can bet any money that there is ONE man out of a thousand that would have several women sleeping with him and doing FWB for more than once or twice while knowing that there is another woman he is also sleeping with regularly (unless they are doing it for money or other favours). How many of you ladies here would agree to be “one of”? Well, this is how other women would react as well so stop being naive and gullible and believe everything men tell you. Some women deal with married men, but this is different, those married men usually invest efforts to seduce them and then lie to them and make them believe they will leave their wives any time soon.
I think what happened is that he knew he was too good for you, that you would drop him shortly and so out of insecurity he tried to put YOU down, to tell you he does not want a relationship with YOU. He wanted to downgrade you. So that he does not feel like a loser, because this is what he is, clearly.
Sophie, do not give him another thought. Do not let this fat balding jerk make you feel bad or angry. But learn your lessons and do not be nice when it is not warranted. Don’t sleep with guy that early. And pick younger better looking guys, they will treat you nicer, because they don’t feel so low about themselves.
And yes, the blame is often on women for some reason. It is good to admit your mistakes but in most cases it is the GUY who is mistreating the woman and not the other way around, so we need to stop playing nice and see the facts for what they are. Pretending and courting someone into a relationship only to do a 180 turn and say yo don’t want a relationship after sex is a nasty punch below the waist, it is an entrapment, a person like that deserves to be punched back and hard. If a woman did that to a guy he’d let her have it.
Sophie dear you should have provided the description of this guy BEFORE all other information, we would not have 3 pages of this discussion then lol
Thanks Nat. I am definitely more emotionally than usual but your words really, really helped me. thank you.
She had a bad day and is posting about it. This is not overreacting, it is a way to let off steam. And those of you who are spending just as much time responding…well I hear the irony police coming round the bend.
Sophie a guy who has only had one reltionship at 47 is no catch. And his comments are rude for a 25 year old but just so unacceptable for a 47 year old. You will do better. Send him a single text along the lines of, “I am sort of tired of talking to and we don’t have goals in common so this will be my last text.” As Nat said never respond to him again. I promise you it will make him crazy.
Sophie-nobody is stopping you from saying whatever the h@ll you want to him-we are just wondering why you would bother and also if you send that-one of two things will happen: He will ignore it-which will likely bug you or he will keep engaging with you-likely in a crappy manner-and this will just prolong your wrath. You asked for advice and we gave it-do what you will or not.