This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Tallspicy 8 months ago.
November 22, 2020 at 12:39 am #826445
My boyfriend of 5 months had just broken up with me not even a week ago. I’m currently plagued with thoughts of trying to get him back.
For some context, I’m 19 and he’s 24. Before the age difference speaks for itself, we got along very well regardless. We had the same humor, work ethic, and we made each other laugh no problem. We spend almost everyday with each other. I either stay at his house, or he stays in my apartment. We were very comfortable and content! We both could see that whatever we had was working; we made plans for the future and had just said “i love you” the same week that we broke up.
I know 5 months isn’t too long compared to some of the posts here, but I believe we really connected on an intimate level and I have no reason to believe it was one-sided.
Fast forward to this last couple week, he had been staying over my place for over 3 weeks. I could feel that we were both overwhelmed with each other’s presence and due to that, there was some slight tension. I recognized that we might’ve just needed space and he did as well, which was normal for us, so he decided to go back to his house for a couple days.
That night however, I was feeling very overwhelmed with everything. I thought to myself- it’s not very healthy to have myself overthinking and working myself up for no reason. I thought that a genuine break from our relationship would’ve provided some insight. I called him that same night asking if we could take a little break and if possible, holding off on contacting each other and to stop sharing location during this time. He had said ok to this.
3 days later, I decided to follow up with him with a phone call and see where we were at. That was when he expressed to me that he doesn’t think things will go back to the way it was and that it was ‘weird’ for me to ask for a no contact period. I hurt him by asking for that and he wanted to break up.
I told him to do it in person- to come over and pick up his things if that was his final decision. I was also hoping that speaking in person would sway his choice.
He came over with a duffel bag for his clothes. I sat him down on my couch and we just discussed how we felt. I expressed that I did not want to break up, and that this issue we were having was something we could definitely work on together.
He didn’t feel the same way- according to him, he doesn’t think that things will work out in the long run. I told him I loved him regardless and I thought it would be worth a shot to give it us one more try, as we have never had ANY sort of conflict until then.
He said he didn’t want to give me false hope. He told me that he wasn’t anybody special and that I’ll heal over time, get over him, and that I’d find someone else. And that was that.
Needless to say, I was very heartbroken. I still am. But for whatever reason, though he never gave me false hope, I have this determination that I’ll get him back later down the line. I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I feel that the reason for my hope is that I know that when he gets emotional, upset or frustrated, his fight or flight tells him to flee. Moreover, at the day of our breakup, he told me he still has feelings for me but it would be in our both interest to separate. I had asked him at the time when the thought of breaking up first popped into his head and he told me that it was only just the night before- it was sudden for the both of us, leading me to believe that he might’ve done it out of hurt.
He’s quite a sensitive man.
The days following the break, nothing was out of ordinary. He is very doting, somewhat clingy (which I’m okay with), and wholeheartedly open to me.
I hope I provided as much context as I could’ve.
My reasoning for hope might sound like denial and bargaining, and part of me knows that it might just be- but as things are, that is what I believe.
I know I’m capable of getting over him and moving on- I’ve done it with a handful guys before him, but this one was someone I thought I could’ve gone the distance with.
My current course of action at the moment is to just give him time. I don’t plan to contact him for the time being and hopefully, he’ll have a clear head to fully process what had happened. I will also plan to work on myself during this time and reconnect with friends and family.
There still some of his belongings in my apartment and I was hoping to use that as a reason to reach out within a month from now, just to feel things out. I know he’ll reply to be cordial.
Hopefully, he’d have revisited the idea of getting back together and is open to it. If not, I’ll finally start the process of moving on if I haven’t already by then.
I just want to know what you all think about this and sorry for the long thread!November 22, 2020 at 9:27 am #826495
Im not sure i totally understand your post. Are you saying you felt overwhelmed by his constance presence and you asked for a break and then he took it as a break up realizing he cant make you happy? In that case you started this and its likely he now feels he cant do enough to keep you satisfied because you feel overwhelmed when he is too into you. If you didnt want this sequence to start you should have avoid the word break. There are other ways to take some space if you dont want to break up. Then i notice you talk a lot. You sit him down and you talk talk talk. To me that sounds rather unpleasant to be on the other side of you.
I dont think its impossible you two get back together but leaving him alone for now is really necessary. He needs to really miss you to know if its over for him or not.
Then i can understand how you got overwhelmed. It was too much too soon. Next time, pace things. Dont organize Your life around a guy once you have him. Fit him in but dont forget to do other things. Like you now see it burned out fast. Lastly you view him as a bit clingy. I wouldnt just disregard that feeling. Long term it can be very unpleasantNovember 23, 2020 at 7:05 am #826683
Hi I broke up with my boyfriend one month ago I want him back plz helpNovember 23, 2020 at 8:08 am #826698
Understand why you spending all this time together was overwhelming. Understand why he went home for a break… don’t understand:
A. Why you spend this much time together to begin with… don’t you have your own lives
B. Why on earth you share your locations? Sounds very controlling
C. Why you asked for a break instead of just enjoying your time away. How did your mind go there? Why didn’t you just say you were busy and respond when you wanted to.
This sounds grossly codependent.November 23, 2020 at 12:09 pm #826734
I hope you learned a lesson to not use the words “take a break” again, because the word “break) is what’s sticking in their head and will pull the plug before you do. In the future, just take a break without using any words. If they ask if anything’s wrong, just say “I need a few days of me time to reconnect with some friends, family, hobbies, etc.” Keep it short and simple.
I just took it without any explanations. Yes, it freaked the guys but sometimes we just need some time re-center when the relationship becomes overwhelming and doing other stuff outside of the relationship which is needed and necessary to maintain your identity, autonomy, and sense of self. A man shouldn’t be the whole Sundae (life) but the Cherry on Top of your awesome life [Sundae] that should never center around one person as true inner happiness is derived through MANY outside people (friends/family); and activities (work, socializing, hobbies, etc.).
I understand your turmoil and wish you could go back in time and change it but that’s not healthy, nor is having a clingy partner because they will eventually suffocate the relationship until there is no oxygen left and it slowly dies. I would try to rethink your strategy by telling yourself that a co-dependent relationship, which this was, is unhealthy and that an “interdependent relationship” (look it up) is the best relationship to strive for when seeking a long-term partner. This relationship would not have survived long-term and made it more difficult to unravel yourself from it had you remained together longer.
At age 19 you have A LOT to still learn about life and love; whereas you should be using the next five or more years to learn about men to get a better sense of what a healthy (interdependent) and unhealthy (codependent) relationship is before you get to the point in your life that you’re ready to settle down (get married and have children). Remember, your long-term goal is to pick the BEST DAD for your future kids which sadly not enough women do when vetting a long-term mate/partner. Its not just about *you* but potential kids down the road so keep that in mind as well or you could put yourself, and potential children in a bad situation where the man “runs away” at the first sign of trouble. You want a rock–one you can rely on and trust to be there when life throws those hardballs and curveballs.November 30, 2020 at 1:32 am #827890
I had an ex bf too and we would share locations . There is a reason behind sharing your locations… could be one of you cheated or that he have trust issues.
Anyways ur ex sounds like my ex which is kind of odd.. the only difference is that he is 29m . We too, broke up post 7 days ago. He block me on everything and im devastated.
I’m sure u will get him back. He just needs to clear his head. Give him some space and time to reeach out to uNovember 30, 2020 at 1:37 am #827894
I dont know why people are answering that it is bad to spend so much time with ur partner. TO be honest, i think its good to spend time with the person you love . I seen so many couples who dont talk to each other anymore or that when on is working the other person is off. Like their schedule does not match to have time to spend togetherNovember 30, 2020 at 11:14 am #827978
The reason why its not a good idea to spend so much time together because you can feel overwhelmed and smothered fast. Like the op experienced and maybe your bf who broke up with you. You need some kind of balance between bf and activitites on your own/with friends. Otherwise it looks like you cant handle anything on your own. Later on when you start to live together and get kids you have plenty of time together where you problably wish you could get more time for yourself.November 30, 2020 at 11:59 am #827985
I agree with the others who say too much time together isn’t healthy should be balanced out. I also agree that you using “a break” seemed kind of unnecessary or confusing at that. You said you were spending 3 weeks together and he decided to leave to have some space. That was the perfect opportunity for you to just agree and have some alone time. Why you felt you needed a break and no contact comes across as just wanting to get a reaction from him. Did you really not want him to leave? Which was the wrong reaction instead he decided to take this as a break up.
After some time apart he may reconsider his decision and come back. I understand 5 months is the honeymoon stage so wanting to spend a lot of time together is understandable. However, force yourself to see that having activities and interests aside from each other is also healthy. This keeps the relationship fresh and not stagnant, it makes you look forward to seeing each other and talking about what you did while apart.November 30, 2020 at 1:08 pm #827996
The fact that fgat he give up on the relationship because of the request you said.. tells me that he is not ur suitable partner. In relationship … you guys will be tested by storm so much and he will be the one to initiate the breakup. He is a weak man.
I Read somewhere that the dr fake he lost his job, car and the bank will take the house. The first one who left the relationship was his fiancee then friends. If you go theough problems. You will learn who is worth to keep or not and ur partner is not. He give up on you very easilly. You need a partner that can stay with you through thick and thin
Of course you love him so go back to him. But i willtell you. When your relationship will be tested . He will be the one to first leave you. Time will tellNovember 30, 2020 at 1:24 pm #828001
Any man who asked for tracking because another woman cheated on him would be met with a breakup. It is your job to heal your trust issues, not someone else’s.