Ask a Guy: When a Guy Tells You He Likes You and Then Completely Changes His Mind post image

Ask a Guy: When a Guy Tells You He Likes You and Then Completely Changes His Mind

I was seeing a guy for the past 2 months and everything was going really well. He told me how much he liked me, how lucky he felt to be with me and how he really thought this could be something. He also introduced me to his friends about two weeks ago and told me that I’m the first girl in the past two years that he’s introduced them to.

In the past two weeks we’ve only seen each other twice because he went away for a few days and then we both went away for Easter. Although we hadn’t seen that much of each other, I thought everything was fine. Then we saw each other on Saturday and he told me that he has too much work and doesn’t feel he can see me very much and that it isn’t fair to me.

I asked him what he wanted from me and he said he doesn’t know but he thinks that if he liked me enough he would want to cut back on his work and he doesn’t! He also said he hasn’t really missed not seeing me in the last two weeks that we hadn’t seen each other. It basically sounded like he likes me but not enough.

Read the rest of this question and our guy’s response after the jump!

I just don’t understand how he could change so quickly- two weeks ago he was introducing me to his friends and saying he thinks this could really be something and then suddenly he doesn’t like me as much? I said I felt like he had lead me on and that I wish he had been honest and he said that he promised he didn’t lead me on and he meant all the things he said but since we hadn’t seen each other much in the past two weeks, things started to change for him.

As far as I’m concerned I’m better off without him but I just don’t understand what happened.

Any insight?


Here’s my thinking from what you said. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s running on moment to moment emotion – we say what we feel, our brains are dumping all sorts of happy chemicals into our heads giving us all those amazing feelings. As amazing as it feels, that in it of itself doesn’t mean there’s depth there. The amount of vulnerability and trust each person brings to the relationship is typically what gives it depth.

When we expose our self, our vulnerabilities and let someone see us as we are, it creates a deeper bond within you to the other person. When the guy exposes himself to you, that is a moment where his bond to you increases. Just something to think about because typically speaking, when both people show a lot of themselves to each other, there is a deeper bond and the other person doesn’t typically up and leave out of the blue.

With that said, the impression I got is that you both really do like each other as people, but maybe you don’t know all that much about his life and who he really is, who he was… the deeper stuff. When you aren’t bonded on the deeper stuff, things can dissolve if you aren’t with each other for an extended period of time… it’s the deeper moments that stick with a person, not the surface level “butterflies”.

Granted, I am working with limited info here – but my impression on first pass is that the guy really does like you as a person, but did not let you in very deeply (on the inside).

Now, a woman could ask why do guys shift so suddenly? I would respond that from one perspective it is sudden… but from the perspective of what he is looking for in his life, his work and in the grand scheme of what truly motivates him, it probably isn’t a sudden change at all. It probably fits right in with who he is, how he is and the rest of his life. The big question is how familiar are you with these elements of him? To understand his behavior, you have to look at his life as a whole – you have to look at all the things that motivate him and have motivated him in the past. It was once said that there’s a tremendous amount of information in understanding a man’s fears, failures and frustrations… and I believe that is true in relationships as well.

Still, I think that many women in this position typically wonder if its something they did or if there’s something about themselves that caused their man to act like this. Generally speaking, playing detective in this area is not a good use of time. The number one reason being that you don’t know and all blaming yourself will do is make you upset.

My opinion is that “the milk has gone bad”. Take what you’ve learned here and just move on – he doesn’t sound like a bad guy, just a guy who’s guard is up or maybe his exclusive focus is on his work. I can relate to both of those, I’ve been there. I can guarantee he does feel bad and doesn’t want to hurt you. And I believe that he probably meant what he said when he introduced you to his friends and talked about how much he liked you. Even still, for guys, a relationship needs to fit into his life well. If it doesn’t fit into his life (the grand scheme of everything – his work, his play, etc.), even if it’s a great relationship with a great girl, the relationship will probably dissolve unless there is a good amount of depth and understanding there on both sides.

In terms of being able to “do something” about it, I would say you should do your best to try and dig deeper into understanding him and see if he’ll open up. Frankly, if a guy (or a girl, for that matter) has their guard up so much that they can’t open up or let you in at all, their wall is going to block the relationship from going any deeper (which is a large factor in the strength of their bond to you.) I wouldn’t say this is something to confront a guy about, but rather a way you should consider relating to him in general.

In short, I think it’s just a matter of circumstance and where he is in his life. Sounds to me like he did think you were a great girl, but his life isn’t set up right now to have you (the person that you are) in his life. As I say in these situations: It is what it is.

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

60 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...


Guess I don’t understand why men can’t hold their tongue until they know if it’s something real and lasting. If 2 weeks away can change an opinion that much then the guy probably had no business saying such things. There is a person on the other side of these statements and by the time you are out of high school you should understand the implications of those types of statement. People are complex but if he didn’t want to “let her in deep” he should have zipped his lip and not said “deep” things. I appreciate hearing a male opinion but IMO so much of this internet wisdom is just an explanation and justification of immature and inconsiderate behavior. I have yet to read an article that advises men to wait to introduce a woman to his friends – wait to tell her how “this could be a thing” until he is reasonably sure that a 2 week hiatus won’t completely change his feelings. Let’s start encouraging both men and women to be adults and stop putting things out there as “semi-permanent” that are really just in the moment. This stuff has gotten so bad that it’s nearly impossible to tell when someone is sincere. I’m kind of tired of hearing the whole “men are just emoting” stuff…cause there are plenty of articles suggesting that if a woman did that they could be perceived as moving too quickly, clinging and driving men away. Don’t play adult games if you have the emotional content of a child…and part of being an adult emotionally is knowing when to bite your tongue because your hormones are speaking not your heart or your head. This stuff is confusing and hurtful to women of all ages.

Reply September 16, 2019, 6:04 am


Holy. Crap. It’s like you just told my exact story. I’ve been beating myself up for months trying to figure out what I did to change his feelings or where the turning point was because he went from hot to cold so quickly! Sorry you’re going through this too, but I’m also really relieved that I’m not alone in this weird-ass situation! Speaking of weird, after he dumped me he started dating a girl who could literally be my clone?! Both in looks and interests. So I guess I wasn’t enough but his chick is?! Fuggin bs

Reply February 4, 2018, 4:57 pm


i hear you, katie. sadly, this has been pretty much my entire experience with guys. we start off so good, good convos, relaxed, he talks of wanting us to get to know each other better, then BAM! he shifts gears on me. wtf? this behavior has made me throw in the towel!

Reply March 23, 2018, 5:17 am


I’m so glad I ran across this… this almost exact same situation recently happened to me. I knew I liked this guy for 2 years, and genuinely nurtured our friendship for that time until we ended up dating a month ago… in short, he dumped me a few days ago citing the exact same reasons as the girl who asked the question. I believe it’s the half-truth and a total copout. Do you think for one second he still wouldn’t be able to “find time” if I was a total 10, even if I had a crummy personality? He would be calling in sick everyday lol I hate this garbage. When a guy dumps us I’m convinced 99.9999% of the time it’s over superficial things— they try to spare our feelings to some degree… I guess we can be thankful for that.

Reply October 11, 2017, 11:43 am


Hi, ive been texting this guy for a few months…we met but I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling it so suggested being friends which he was fine with. We continued chatting every so often and I began to like him as more than just a friend so we suggested meeting up again….before we got a chance to meet up I freaked out for a reason I don’t know and said look id rather we just meet as friends…(I have been very stressed lately and my mind has been on overdrive with a few different things I have going on)…however I didn’t actually mean what I said to him and told him the next day that I was sorry for being hot and cold and basically said in a long winded way that I was happy with the whole friends with benefits set up this was originally set out to be. I really feel like i’ve made an ejit out of myself…sometimes I just speak without thinking and I feel so embarrassed. Should I explain my behaviour or should I just not contact for a while…suggest meeting up and forget it even happened? Or am I making a big deal of this? I’m just afraid he thinks I’m crazy.

Reply August 14, 2017, 8:30 am


Hi I’m in a situation dealing with an ex. Long story short he did me so wrong cheated on me belittled me. Barely would have sex and so forth. I dated this man for 10 years I tried everything to make it better with him.. so he ended up leaving and I beg after a few months to work it out he laughs. So to heal my heart I ended up meeting this guy who treated me how i wanted to be treated. But I had feeling just cause I was used to him being around(my ex) so he stayed in contact with me. I didn’t worried what he was doing . He started having feelings for me again and found out about the guy I was talking to in that timeframe this happened. He starting acting possessive and checking on my whereabouts etc. So u hung around me more which I let and he begged me to let my new friend go that was treating me wonderfully. But this friend didn’t live in town but I noticed the only thing he did wrong to me was females liking pictures talking to females constantly. Like he was obsessed with females. So this friend sort of cut it of with me in November 2016. But we remain in contact visits everything. But my ex accepted this and stuck around anyways. Even though my new friend and I wasn’t on the same page anymore I didn’t let my ex know because he would pursue more and he still talk to me like he did when we were together and I didn’t trust him to change. So when times passed I was trying to make it better with me friend from out of town and he kept me visiting and so forth. But I was told eventually he used me for money during our dealings mid way in the relationship. It hurts but I kept in contact but I slowed down in seeing him and contacting I realize it wasn’t going no more. So my ex started speaking to me better doing everything I always wanted from him but I had to still be sure. I either was going to get rid of both. Or continue to work it out and try to convinced friend from out of town or work it out with my ex. So me and my ex started spending more time together and I wouldn’t tell him I loved him but I started to really feel for him again. It’s was obvious cause I would let him hang everyday. So I finally told him what he’d better waiting for on all this time I’m letting my friend completely go from out of town to try to see with no interferences if we can work it out step by step to dating and possibility relationship status. So he was surprised but didn’t believe because he tried so hard to get me to stop dealing with this other guy. So we agreed and I got curious. How could he be only submissive to me.. I did some digging Only to find out other women was calling. But he couldn’t be honest like I was. The main question I have is this .. after we talked about this and got an understanding to try to work things out and he will not stop talking to these women.. But I cried poured my heart out he says he feel my pain but it’s nothing with them. He takes me shopping and give me money that he claims he only does for me,I supposed… But all of an sudden u want to wait to try be headed towards relationship. I said was it cause of the other women he says no. But I feel like if he knew this is what I was afraid of getting back into cause this the problem I had when I dated him. How can he consol me not to cry and think I should settle for him talking to women when I clearly left the guy I was dealing with for him. He says look at the time he spend with me and the money he spends on me. But not understanding that someone in the way conversation with them Is going to make me think this is a bad ideal and get ghost. But I just need opinion on this with every guy… if he loves me so much why sacrifice speaking to other women he claims he don’t care about to loose me. But I will disappear and I’m trying to give him a chance I don’t want to waste my time on false hope anymore with him knowing I gave him what he wanted getting rid of my distraction but he brings several distraction in the picture. I need a whole bunch opinions on this? If u was my ex that were trying to work it out with me now in the presence why would u be doing everything I mention above and try to make me wait on something u wanted all along and finally got. I said would just break the dealings off completely and let him do his thing. But he’s upset that I even think like this.. I had to block him today to show him money is not everything and I’m not wasting my time for competition or clearly not understanding these female is in the way of us seeing if we can date again. The problem was trust to me with him please help.

Reply August 3, 2017, 3:02 am


Hi, I have been seeing this guy for 3 months. We started off well-informed the beginning. We would text each other till late night. Things changed after I sent a serious text when he kept provoking me to find someone else.His texts started to slow down and he would not text me daily and he seemed distant as compared to last time.He is a playful guy with words. When we are together we are very passionate with each other. We will kiss for hours and not letting go of each other until time permits no more. We hardly see each other. He has just changed his new job and he said his priority is his work now. Furthermore he is still not 100% single as he is still in contact with his ex due to responsibility. He told me he is not in love with his ex but it.s the responsibility that is trying him down. We have great chemistry and i have never felt this with a guy. He emphasises that I’m the perfect girl but not the perfect timing. What should I do with his flaky behaviour now? Am I pushing him away when I said I love him?

Reply June 6, 2017, 11:15 pm


I’m seeing this guy it’s been a month now but we are really hitting it off I love spending time with him and according to how I see things it’s like he’s enjoying me too I’ve met almost a lot of his friends even his brother. He drives a nice car, he’s cute and he has a great personality I thought he’d ditch after sex but he’s still here closer than before the sex. How do you think it’s going? could he be leading me on? coz when we met we let each other know about our partners but now it’s we don’t even remember saying anything about them

Reply April 21, 2017, 2:31 am


Thank you so much. This article really helps me to understand my crush more. He’s actually more than my crush. It’s realy difficult to explain because this is the first time I feel a deep bond with a guy who lives miles away. A bestfriend isn’t quite right, it’s more like a soul mate and I believe he also thinks of me the same way.

We were so happy back then and I was sure he liked me back. We shared jokes, stories, life goals, and tried to integrate our lives. Everything went well until he got his international exam. Since the first time I know him, he’s already a very busy achievement-oriented guy. I cleary don’t really mind about this because I know he’s seriously working hard for his future and I do apppreciate his efforts to keep in touch with me. But then I think he realised that I’m just a burden for him; it’s better to use his time for his work rather than talking with me even only for 10 minutes a day (he asked me if we can talk every day for at least 10 minutes).

I’m very dissapointed. I’ve tried to win him back but nope. I’ve told him how I feel but then he thought I was complaining about his busy-ness, which is wrong. We still talk sometimes but the atmosphere has changed. Everything’s changed so fast and I cannot help it. But I still respect him. No matter what, he’s still this kind of best friend who no one can replace. Now, I’m giving him some space because I know he’s quite stressed out now. I trust him that he won’t ever be trying to fade away but something bad can still happen. Just hope I’m not taking the wrong moves and well prepared for the worst. If we’re indeed destined to be together then I believe eventually he’ll come back by himself.

Reply February 16, 2017, 7:58 am

Lysa Marie

It is a myth that most men want sex all of the time. There are many that can get some sex, then go back to work for 6 months. You were his pressure release, now back to work (or he already has another girl to screw). You were used. Sorry about that.

Reply February 15, 2017, 12:56 pm


Can someone tell me what’s going on!?
So I liked This guy for a while and he asked me if I liked him and I said maybe a little. He started flirting with me and sendig me kiss emojis and stuff. A few days later I sent him a goodnight message saying goodnight handsome. Then he tells me he likes another girl, but still want some me to talk to him because he likes our conversations. He also hadn’t me put his name in my bio with a heart a day or two ago. obviously I’m not it talking to him right now, it broke my heart even though I acted like it didn’t. He just said it because I never talk to him enough face to face but he canceled plans for Friday so I haven’t had the chance to! What do you guys think?

Reply January 12, 2017, 11:50 pm


God, this is so true. Eff you, eric charles. I’m actually not feeling so angry with this dude now.

Reply January 7, 2017, 6:24 pm

Eric Charles


Reply January 7, 2017, 6:26 pm


Anyone can help me dealing with shy guy?

What does it mean when an introvert (veryshy) guy send merry xmas message (forwarded msg) with kiss emoji?
He clearly knows the girl isnt celebrating it.
Totally understand its just a forwarded message as the guy is not celebrating xmas either and the guy knows that the girl is not too.
The guy seldoms initiates conversation eventhough both do talk online now and then. the guy does always reply whatever the girl asks.
First time both met he brought his brother and his sister. and second time met he brought his brother. Eventhough the girl was sitting in front of him (diagonally) the guy avoided to look at the girl directly in the eyes.

* If the guy doesnt like the girl would he go out second time with her?
* should the girl think the guy was trying to give hint from the xmas msg (remembering he seldom initiates conversation)
* he didnt send the new year greetings first after last xmas msg (was it because the girl didnt give the kiss emoticon back was just smiley face – maybe it wasnt as what he expected to be or he’s trying to see the girl’s reaction?
Thank u

Reply January 2, 2017, 5:07 am

Mercedes Salinas

I have been talkong to this guy and he seemed sincere we’ve been talking for 4 months and he told me he liked me a month after we started talking and then I was asking a personal question during a game and turns out he had sex 2 months ago… It’s been 3 months since he told ne he liked me.. He isn’t from here lol but we’ve facetimed and talked and gotten to know each other.. But then he said that and my heart dropped.. I am actually a virgin so have never ever done anythinf like that.. But I just was curious as to what to do now??? Like he had been hinting to me about further things than just a kiss but I set the line straight… But what do I do

Reply October 18, 2016, 8:31 pm


Hello..I met this guy on Online, we have been dating for 2 months now but his friends didn’t like me because I have a brown light skin color and he keeps on tell me not to mind his friends that I should only care about his feelings…on which I do..We are doing fine with each other, He said that he loves me alot and I love him too but the problem is that his parents did not want him to date anyone or else he wants to marry because his a Muslim guy and will not allow him to marry a non Muslim girl…But he told me that he will surely fight for our love and I believe…But 2days ago he came online and told me that he will block me but not because his running away from me or leaving me but is because his in a big problem and he can’t explain it for now, He tells me that he will be back for me and I Should wait for him and also said that I should remember one thing that his not leaving me…..But Should I wait for him or Should I move on…I don’t really understand it all..Why will he block me? Please can anyone help me out on this

Reply September 12, 2016, 4:54 pm


The answer if fairly simple: He wasn’t that into you in the first place or the relationship wouldn’t have soured so fast. It may have seemed like he liked you a lot but he didn’t. Sometimes things seem a certain way but in reality they’re a whole different way. I hope you’ve moved on by now to better.

Reply February 16, 2016, 11:34 pm


I was with this guy for 3months. We see each other once or twice sometimes thrice a week. I’ve met his parents and friends and get along with his sister well. His friends told me I’m so lucky with him coz he is such a nice guy, even the sister told me as long as i treat her brother right, I will be fine. She said she love her brother, she wants him happy and that her brother likes me very much. The last time we were together it was great, we had dinner at a Thai restaurant together with his sister and he drove me off to work the next morning as this becomes our routine everytime I come over to his place. Days passed we were only texting like our normal everyday texting habits but he never asked me out anymore, thought he’s just busy coz i’ve asked if everythings okay with him that I feel something’s bothering him, he just said he is okay just been busy with work. One weekend he never text me for 2days, so thought its okay he’s with mates I don’t mind it’s just 2 days but eventually he text me again. Another weekend I really want to see him coz I’m off work and maybe he’s free, so I text but he said he’s going to his mate he’ll let me know what time he comes home then I just said Ok then he got back at me he said he’s mate wanted him to stay for dinner I said thats cool. We supposed to catch up on a Sunday after that weekend but my uncle died so I text him I can’t make it i need some time alone im mourning, he just said he’s sorry to hear. Then Saturday came I needed him that day, i felt so sad i just want to talk to him so i ask him that I change my mind I wanted to see him I need him this time. It took him 40mins to reply so I text the sister if he’s brother is ok, maybe she can help me figure out and that I can handle the truth. She replied, she doesn’t know what I mean but his brother is busy with work and xmas is coming so jobs to be finished. I replied back sorry if ive been annoying thank u. So after 40mins, he replied he said he organised to help his mate paint his fence on Sunday because I wanted space, he’ll let me know when he finish so I just said it’s okay if ur really busy, just let me know, im sorry. So that was our last convo for that week, 3days have gone he didn’t text me at all and that’s when I start wondering and worrying what happened. So i sent a text apologising first if it has to be a text message it’s the only way I can express more [english is not my mother tongue though I can speak and understand well its just that I can’t speak properly with situations like this]so i told him how i feel that i feel he’s avoiding me 4weeks not seeing him i noticed his changes and that if he can be honest, i can handle the truth and will still respect him. It may hurt my feelings but it’s better than feeling stupid. I just want a clear closure. I didn’t get a reply right away. I waited, i was feeling anxious. Then after a week, there’a a text from him. I know he’s been thinking hard about what to say. His text: Hi im sorry ive been avoiding you lately. I feel like i have lost some of the feelings I had for you. Im in a bad headspace lately and i dont really know what i want nor do i want to upset you but i feel that we want different things in life. I’m sorry I have hurt you its the last thing I want to do, hope you’ve been okay lately. Even if im tearing apart, i’ve managed to keep my cool, i replied “Thank you for this much appreciated. Thank you for being nice to me, it was nice knowing you. Please say thank you to ur sister and everyone who have been nice to me. I’ll be okay soon.” His reply “Ok cool, i’ll drop your stuff soon, hope you’re okay” I said: Thank you. The next day, i feel the need to ask questions I know I shouldn’t. But when I sent a text I’m not anymore expecting a response. My last text: ” I hope I’ll be fine soon. I’ve been taking care of my heart for 4yrs. Now this happen. I have one last question then i will never ever bug u again. Did something triggered about losing ur feelings for me? Are you seeing someone else or did i do something that turned you off.” Then as expected I haven’t heard from him. I’ve been on NC for a week now [no contact] even if I wanted to say i miss him I always resist the urge im trying to do it as long as I can. He still didnt drop off my stuff until now, whats so hard about it, he can just put it in my mailbox without seeing me.

I just don’t understand how men can suddenly change their feelings like that when he was so into me at first and we didnt even have a fight or argue. I so want him back, I want him to like me again. I know there’s nothing I can do anymore but just move on. I just miss the moments when im with him. I am well taken care of by him and his sister.

Reply December 14, 2015, 10:06 pm


So she doesn’t fit into his life at the moment, well if this guy ever wants a girlfriend he is going to have to understand that there has to be give and take on both sides and if he doesn’t wish to make that time for her then I would seriously not waste any more time with him, heartbreaking though it is when you have fallen for someone and it is unrequited, but if she is not important enough NOW, will she ever be, I would advise on not being trapped by him this way and to find someone who does appreciate you now and not maybe in the future when his chosen lifestyle allows.

Reply August 4, 2015, 7:58 am


So this guy can to my house 2 years ago and then he came for my birthday and then this year again on Valentine’s Day. He bought be candy and a stuff animals and a necklace total. We liked me. My mom knew about this because are moms where best friends. He always talks and we get a long really well. My friends was always make that one comment but he wouldn’t mind because his friends did the same.

I found out that he likes this other girl. My friend that’s friends with him said that he said that he likes the other girl and that I’m his “side babe” I never really liked him. I mean we where good friends in all but. If he where to ask me out I would probably say yes tho. Now that he likes someone else he doesn’t really talk to me as much. He is being kinda rude to some of my friends too. I really kind of starting to like him. I still see him a lot we just don’t talk. What do I do?

Reply May 15, 2015, 1:35 am


My friend and her ex boyfriend broke up about 8 months ago and after they broke up the next day he went w. Another girl. Now after 8 months his trying to go back w. Her my friend told him she has to earn his trust back and change his actions. His asking us how but we’re not sure. Can you give us some suggestions please, she really likes the guy but we’re not sure what we should do I’m really close to her and I want the best for her. Please give us suggestions ASAP will really appreciate it!!

Reply February 9, 2015, 12:37 pm


One week ago a man I grew up with came into my country for vacation. I had a crush on him during my teenage years but he had a girlfriend so I did my best to get over. He had no clue. He became good friends with my dad even though he is much younger than him. Anyhow two years ago he messaged and confessed that he loved me years ago but was afraid to tell me cause I had high standards. We kept in contact as friends since he was married. His marriage ended early last year. We didnt speak in months until last week when he visited me. He said he wanted a chance and since Im single I agreed. He said he wanted to marry me at the end of this year. He asked my parents for their blessings and they agreed. We went on a few dates and everything seemed fine. The day after new years he was suppose to pick me up after work but never showed up. I called but no answer. The next morning I got a text saying “Sorry hon. Im not well. My belly hurting just woke” I called later that day but no response. I saw a missed call from him a few hours later and when I called back no response. We already had plans to go out the following day but he was a no show. I called but no answer. He is leaving the country today and still no word. I went to the house where he was staying but he wasnt home even though he said he wasnt well. Im crushed and embarrassed. I cant face my parents. My gut is telling me that another woman is involved cause he is good looking and every where we went women were chasing him. He did seem serious aboit me. He didnt even ask for sex. We did plan to live in the same country after marriage. Finally he answered me today but was brief. I messaged him again tonight and asked him if he wanted to try or not and no response. The next day he messaged I miss you and I really. He said yes. I tried asking again and no response. He still sends good morning text but nothing more. Im comfused.

Reply January 9, 2015, 9:08 pm


I have a question too… This guy and I talked for about 8 months on and off during the year, than on night in the city, we both bumped into each other randomly… We talked for about 10-15 minutes is say because our friends were all kind of waiting

Anyway the next day he messages me and asked me out, I said yes of course and we talked the whole day… We didn’t text again for another couple of days, but than I messaged him and from than on every time we talked, he said he’d message me the next day – which he did. He even made this comment about a discount card from my work like ” I hope I get to use it, only time will tell” which lead me to think he wasn’t just talking about the discount card, if you get what I mean.

We went and got dinner on Saturday and although I was immensely nervous I thought the night still went well. At the start he said “just so you know I don’t sleep around or cheat” and later on I said ” that’s ok I’m saving it for a boyfriend”, which was a stupid lie, because I’d already slept with a couple of guys.

He made a comment about smoking weed and I established didn’t mind, but he also lead on that he doesn’t really use any other drugs, or smoke cigarettes. But I’m a very honest person and I told him that I myself had used a few drugs… Anyway towards the end of dinner we talked about going to the movies during the week and established two movies that we’d like to watch… I also remember that during the night he kept making these comments about us dating, like “oh I’m dating a goodie-goodie” and I slapped him at one stage as a joke and he said “you’re beating me already”… He even ended up paying for my dinner and asked me to come to the beach with him and his friends the next day, but I had work at 5 the next day and he lived a little over an hours train trip away… (Although when we originally talked he lived about a 20 minute drive away)

We got to the station and said our goodbyes and than I mentioned the movies and he said we’ll talk during the week and sort it out, because our trains weren’t far off arriving… About 20 minutes later I got a text from him saying he had a really great night and had ally of fun… As silly as it sounds I already had a bit of a crush on him before we met, but nothing serious… And anyway after dinner I thought wow this is our first date and its leafy escalating so quickly – I think he actually likes me as much as I like him…

Anyway we didn’t text on Sunday because of the beach, but I uploaded a picture onto facebook of my friend and I which was from the night he and I met coincidentally… And he liked it, so I thought ok he must have thought I was ok… The next day we texted all day like usual and towards the end of the conversation I offered to help him move apartments in a weeks time, which he said was so sweet of me… I also mentioned I was watching this tv series and he said he wanted to watch it so I offered to let him borrow my DVDs and said you can borrow them if you’d like, or we can watch it together sometime, I also asked him if he wanted to go to the movies and he said yes, we started planning it, picked a day to go and picked the movie and said he just needed to double check with work but he’ll let me know and if sounds like fun, anyway later on it was late and he said he had a big day at work the next day, but we’ll chat tomorrow and stay in contact about the movie that Thursday. I didn’t text him because I thought, well he’s probably busy so I’ll leave it… But I texted him the day after at about 4pm, the night before the movie we talked about. And after that over a period of a week he just stopped replying to me, but during the period of this week were the replies dimmed, the night we were talking about going to the movies… he just posted a picture of him and his housemate in their apartment… we didn’t talk for a week than I messaged him and asked what happened… He said it was the age difference but I had a great personality and he had fun with me and still wanted to be friends… So another week later I invited him and his friend out with my friend & I, but he had work and said he’d make an effort to catch up soon… Than a month went by and I thought hmmm I’ll see how he’s doing, so I texted him and asked how he was going… I got no reply, but he’s in real estate and knew there was a chance he might not have replied by accident, so I left it another week and messaged him saying is it ok if we have a talk, I just have a question me afterwards if you don’t want to talk to me again that’s fine. He replied saying of course we can talk, I hope I’m not in trouble… Anyway a couple days later we spoke on the phone… I just asked if he was legitimate about staying friends, because if not that’s fine, but I’d been a bit reluctant to talk to him… And he said he did want to stay friends, and without me even asking, he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, because he giddy have the time, but dates are ok….we talked for about 40 minutes while he was driving home from work… He also came clean about a couple lies – it turned out he was a pack a day smoker and used quite a few drugs, which I thought was funny that he told me about these after we said were just friends, I ended up telling him I lied about saving it for a boyfriend and I told him I smoked too… Anyway he had to go when he got home… So I did can we text and he said he had to do a few work emails but we’ll text the next day. I did, and we exchanged only a couple messages befor I didn’t get a reply… I thought ok I’m leaving this now.
Anyway a week after that he liked something I put on facebook…

Honestly I’ve decided not to text him or talk to him again… The only thing I’m confused about is what actually happened… I guess I’m thinking that maybe it was me, like after we talked for so long, when we met, I just wasnt what he wanted… but than why continue after our first date instead of just saying he didnt want to take things further? But I mean i still think it’s strange that this has happened after we talked for so long. And you’d think he’d still try out the second date after we planned it already… But at dinner he did tell me about how him and his best friend call each other on a bad date and tell them that something’s happened as a way of getting out of it – I guess he couldn’t do that with me because he’d already told me about that. I thought maybe he’d met someone else too but I doubt that in a day and a half he’s met someone.

Although a lot of people I’ve talked to about this have said that maybe he didn’t realise what he wanted until after I was in the picture – and than after we got a bit more involved than just Facebook messaging, he realised maybe he didn’t want a relationship right now. I mean if I annoyed him or he didn’t like my personality or I just wasn’t what he wanted… Why not just not reply to my texts, delete me off facebook or block my number? And than why go and like my pictures?

A lot of people have said he was probably insecure and maybe even intimated by me, but I don’t know. Was it because I felt comfortable enough to be honest about my flaws in regards to the drugs, smoking and my weight? (Because I also told him that this year Id lost about 16 kilos of weight and made a joke about how fat I used to be)… He actually told me this funny story about how his best friend said he stank and he just came up with this funny comeback – but my friend who met him did tell me he had b.o. Which I didn’t notice. (Apparently his chest was hairy too haha).

A lot of others said I was better looking than him and I could do better… but he wasn’t ugly. He Also had skin flares where he’d get bursts of acne, where as I rarely get a pimple… He also told me about how he sometimes gets spray tans and only gets burnt in the sun, where as my skin is a light olive colour that tans and he’s very pale. I also remember him saying he wished he had my hair… A couple friends said it was clingy of him to make comments about us dating on our first date, but I didn’t mind because I liked him and at one point he tried to trip me over than I called him an albino midget (clearly as a joke), because he was shorter than me too, I’m about 179cm, he’s about 175cm… We laughed straight away and than I said I’m sorry for picking on you, I do like you… And I was worried that came off as too clingy.

I know I’m overanalysing this, but I guess I just hate the thought that maybe it was just that he felt I wasn’t good enough or right for him… I did really like him, which is why I’m overlooking the obvious flaws. I’m worried maybe I seemed too gay for his taste,
not that I’m that gay, I’m not overly keen on the gay scene, and I don’t watch any gay shows like drags to riches or anything,

but my sense of humour is a little bitchy and my voice was higher pitched than his (but I am younger) and I like Gaga and del rey and I’m a bit artsy

Where as he liked cars and had a deeper voice, (even though he would’ve been the
Bottom (or the girl) because I’m a fair bit taller and stockier)

We are both quite easy going and did both go to the gym though – but he was fitter
And we both like eating out and I did like going clubbing every now and than too (he went basically every weekend) we both like going to the beach too so it’s not like there was nothing in common

But I’m thinking if he came clean about the drugs/smoking (I also think he drinks alot as well) than maybe he was being honest about not wanting a relationship… Oh if you haven’t gathered by now, we’re both guys. Also I’m 19 and he’s 22.
Plus I guess the smoking, drinking and drug use is probably a sign of some issues he has as well, and I know I shouldn’t want to get involved because of that, but what can I do?

Reply December 28, 2014, 9:34 pm


I forgot – in the period we talked, before he moved, he actually wanted us to meet up and go trampolining, we were just talking about it and he said
“Omg we should do this! It’ll be so much fun and we could be little kids for a day, I’m up for that”
Than because I hadn’t lost all the weight I wanted, I kind of changed the topic because I was worried if he saw me he’d lose interest

But a month later I asked him to coffee and he said that he was really busy during that week because he was about to go on holidays…

I don’t know if this is significant, but yeah I just thought I’d mention it

Reply December 28, 2014, 10:31 pm


Okay Eric, well what if you did have that depth where both people opened up to one another and revealed truly deep and personal things to one another?

I’ve had this same thing happen to me, and having that depth and bond made it really hard when he just upped and disappeared. To be fair, he had been pretty messed up from his last relationship where his ex cheated on him, but we hadn’t gotten together until months later, so I can’t even say I was a rebound.

To be honest this just makes me hate dating and I no longer want to be bothered with guys because they all do this “disappearing act,” and its honestly not fair. Sure the guy mentioned in the question above may “be a nice guy” but I just can’t believe a person can feel one way and in 2 weeks (without any action from the other party) change their mind. Either the female asking this question isn’t being completely honest and did do something to make this guy up and leave or he wasn’t being honest in his intentions with her.

Reply October 31, 2014, 3:14 am


We can be attracted to people and like the essence of what they are but when we dig down a little into their personalities, I find as a man that I get turned off immediately by selfishness or materialistic people and they then can turn out to be a very different people to what I originally thought. That’s my reason for this happening. Some of the girls here need to stop generalising with sweeping statements as though men are all one entity. Maybe that is the issue, some of you are jumping to conclusions and the men are picking up on this.

Reply December 13, 2014, 5:04 pm


Reads like you’re jumping to conclusions. My comment is based off of my experience and other girls I know and quite frankly, given the current hookup culture we live in, it makes my comment quite valid. Maybe you don’t do this disappearing act or maybe you don’t think you do but I highly doubt most men are being honest with a girl when they decide something isn’t working out. For me, if I don’t think things are working for me with someone, I TELL them, I don’t pull the waning out, hoping they’ll eventually get it; in my opinion that’s really bad taste and insensitive to the other person. Unfortunately in my experience most men avoid that part because they think they’re saving the girl heartbreak or they want to avoid trouble but honesty and communication is what avoids those things not disappearing. That only leaves people feeling duped.

Reply December 13, 2014, 5:13 pm


I think there is also a possibility that his friends disliked her.
In one scenario, they pressured or bullied him into cooling things off.
In another (more likely) scenario, they opened his eyes to behaviours or traits of hers in compatible to his. As in, they removed his rose tinted glasses.
That’s not to say there is anything wrong or lacking in her, it could be something like the way she laughs, the uncanny resemblance to his mother (or some equally inappropriate person female/male in his life), maybe she touches him too much or too little, maybe she expressed an opinion about politics/religion/etc that was completely in contradiction to his opinion on that subject (something he feels very strongly about), the list goes on.
Something else that can’t be ignored it the possibility that she is the problem. She very well may not be good enough for him, and his friend have seen and put their foot down. Does she treat him with respect, or did she disrespect him and embarrass him in front of his friends? Did treat his friends with respect or did she look down her nose at them? This list can go on too.

Reply October 20, 2014, 6:57 pm


Unfortunately this is the way most men are these days.. I feel most men see a woman in hope that because visually she ticks the box, sexually and physically, a bond is also created but there is so much more out there, that when a good woman comes along,. They almost say, ok well maybe I can do better if I can have this one too easily. I don’t hate men, but I think because of social media times have changed, and things said are easily changed by things that are seen. We all have to remember no one is perfect, and for men who keep pushing their luck with amazing women in order to hunt for the best they can find, I believe it only gets returned to them in karma…. Because I’ve seen many of my ex boyfriends return 4 years later hoping to interest me in a revisit because they realised too late that the best looking women they are in search of often come with baggage, personality disorders, habits or ex husbands……… Often not what they set out to find when they leave an amazing woman for another. So what I say is,… Don’t take the rejection of a man leaving early… Usually it’s a way of saying he’s actually not good enough for you. And if they ever do return, don’t flatter yourself because he’s come back, pity him because he lost a good thing.

Reply September 19, 2014, 4:33 am

Jane Dominguez

Vanessa, thank you for two very common sense yet elusive statements you made: How men can think, “ok well maybe I can do better if I can have this one too easily” and “Don’t take the rejection of a man leaving early… Usually it’s a way of saying he’s actually not good enough for you”. So very true, 100% true but we tend to ignore this common sense. Thanks for highlighting this, it has helped me refocus.

Reply August 19, 2016, 9:52 am

Eric Charles

To Vanessa – Yeah, I understand where you’re coming from… in anything I write, I like to give you a way to frame things so you see the opportunity for yourself to win (and win BIG) in your love life… so that you and your partner have an awesome relationship together.

I think falling into a trap of being upset at “how men are” is counter-productive… Same goes for if men were talking about “how women are”… I think talking about patterns is good and has its place, but in our personal life and relationships, we’re dealing with an individual and our relationship with that individual has a dynamic that might very well be outside the norm and yet, it’s perfect for both of you.

A more succinct way to express my point is, “Even if 99.99% of guys in the world were somehow bad and wrong for you… does it matter if you are with a guy who’s great for you?”

Who cares what the “wrong guys” are like? Relationships are a game of sifting… whether it’s friendships, business associates, lovers… the majority are not going to be an amazing fit for you… some will be wrong, some will be neutral and a select few will be amazing and awesome matches.

I set my attention on what I want… I don’t care how many people are out there that I don’t like because if I don’t like them, I don’t pay any attention to them. I ignore who I don’t want and enjoy who I do want to have in my life.

You are not a beggar, hoping and wishing for the approval of a man to choose you. You wouldn’t act that way in choosing your friends… why would you with choosing your lover/partner?

Reply August 19, 2016, 3:38 pm


I have a question me and my ex recently got back together after being split up for 6 months we were engaged to be married and his best friend died and he totally changed so I broke up with Him and then just the other day after being together for almost 2 months again then he just broke up with me cuz he said he doesn’t know what he wants or whether he is in love with me anymore he knows he loves me and cares about me but still wants me to go on a trip next Thursday with him to Great America and told me if he found out I was going to the bars that I would lose him for goodhe said that he rushed back into this too soon and that he wants to be friends and see where it goes from there what does this all mean in a guys perspective

Reply June 28, 2014, 11:55 pm

Jade Kelly

I think these days women become emotionally invested so quickly, you may have fallen in love while the man is still testing the water and figuring out if it’s the right relationship for him. Which is actually a healthy approach to dating.

If it was a relationship of a few weeks and you’re sitting there hurt wondering why he left…ask yourself why did you put all your eggs in one basket so quickly? It could be even that he felt you were just too “in to” him too quickly that made him skittish. These are not the actions of a high value woman that knows her worth.

Often it’s because women are looking for a man to make her feel worthy rather than asking herself if HE is!

There are billions of guys out there, it’s better to have fun and keep from making a decision until the man in question is asking you for a commitment. Then perhaps you can cut off other options. If it feels right :)

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:44 pm


I’ve been in the same situation, I gave everything within the 1st month of dating. I’ve been too nice, too nice that I thought he will appreciate me. I invested all my emotions at once never knowing he is still figuring things out. I thought we had something already suddenly he told me that he cant continue it right now with me and that he is guarding his heart. I was speechless that all i said is “i understand”… Name it, I’ve been the sweetest and the kindest but sometimes you don’t have to show the guy how much you like him because he might think that you are so weak for caring about him so much.. I never texted him after I said “i understand him”.. I have no right at all to demand or complain, i got hurt because i chose to fall so easily and i expected too much from him…maybe I NEED TO GUARD MY HEART TOO…sometimes I feel like being so nice to a man doesn’t do good at all.. I forgot I have my worth as a woman…lesson, never invest too much of yourself to a man you just met…thanks

Reply June 8, 2014, 11:10 pm


I experienced the EXACT same thing :(
Yes we need to guard our hearts and not invest too much in men.

Take care.

Reply June 8, 2016, 11:58 am


I am really confused. I broke up with my boyfriend of 3,5 years 2 months ago. One of our best friends, since we have the same group of friends, told me a few weeks later that he has liked me for a long time, lets call him ‘A’. At first I was hesitant, because I did not want to start any drama amongst our friends (my ex was still not over the break up, and my best friend used to like ‘A’) . But he kept on telling me how muched he liked me, and he couldn’t wait anymore. He told me he loved me and that he has dreamed of a future between us for a long time. He wanted a future with me, and he did not care about the drama, he said ‘if the drama means being with you, I would go through it’. A few days later, we kissed, and we talked on the phone everyday (mostly he was the one that called me). We played videogames together, laughed together, watched movies together. It was just great. In a few days, I really fell for him. Which is something that never happens to me, when it comes to love I am usually very cold, and it takes a long time for me to even say that I like someone. We slept together, and it was the first time in my life I actually felt a real connection with someone doing ‘the deed’. Afterwords, we talked for hours, cuddling, kissing eachother. A few days after, we slept together again. Still, a great time. 2 days later, he broke everything off, telling me he still liked me, but didn’t see a future with me anymore. I am so confused, I really don’t know what to do or what to say anymore. He still wants us to be friends, but now, I am just upset and angry with him. What should I do?

ps sorry for some spelling mistakes I might have made, I am dutch and really trying my best here :P

Reply July 22, 2013, 5:11 pm


Guys open up, cry, call and text me sometimes for years about some woman they were with, so it has to be a certain type of vulnerability, right? Steer clear of exes, more about their childhood or what’s important like family or career? I have learned a lot about a man by hearing about his relationships, but hard not to get into friend zone and occasional sex. Not good for me.

Reply February 24, 2013, 8:33 pm


I have this guy who I really like but I lts so hard for me to talk to him when I see him. I want to I do! But it’s usually at a bar or his friends house when I do. Lately he keeps showing up at the same bars as me and trying as hard as he can to get my attention and most of the time I don’t give it to him because any time I’ve seen him he’s hooking up with all kinds of girls… And always almost always with his friends. Most of our friends are in the same group do we always seem to run into each other but now he’s showing up where I am on purpose constantly watching me from a far discreetly. He does not text me does not call and will not ever text me back. Before when we first met we attempted to hang out but it was always with his friends. After that that first night he hasn’t really tried talking to me much I kind of felt blow off I guess so I mostly ignore him if I do see him. And he pretends to do the same exact thing and were both so nervous. Why is he doing this if he’s just not that into me?

Reply August 11, 2012, 2:32 pm


I am completely confused. Was w/ a man for a month (but we knew each other more casually for many yrs)-he was begging me to move into apt, gave me key, debit card, anything I wanted. Was highly romantic, walking in rain together, weekend trips, surprise gifts. Don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t trying to “buy” me-I am very low maintenance and he knows it. He brought me home worms to go fishing w/ the next day and I think it was the coolest thing in the world that he knew I wanted them and got them for me w/o me asking . . . Anyway, we have a small disagreement, he was drinking to much. I commented on it, but did not berate him. I was getting ready for a short trip the next day and decided to leave that evening due to the drinking. He got really pissy and said, well, if you are going to leave than LEAVE. Very nasty tone of voice. I packed up the rest of my stuff and left full of adreniline. A lil way down the road, was sorry I had over reacted, called, apologized, apology accepted and he was thankful I WASN’T leaving. Then the next day, he says he wants no more relationship, there is no hope for one in the future and absolutely no further contact of any kind! Before this evening, we had never even had a serious argument! There were not a lot of bad things said or really any scene at all other than me gathering my things! I have no idea what to think. Earlier that week he was talking about marriage-I was NOT the one driving this stuff he was saying! He would watch me driving and just out of the clear blue tell me how beautiful I was! I am lost for an explanation, but it is driving me insane. We were perfectly matched-not perfect, but perfectly matched. All areas of the relationship were out of this world, then, no contact! WTF????

Reply April 12, 2012, 8:47 pm


Sounds like bad news if he is going to react that way. My ex-husband had a drinking problem and was very much bipolar. I regret not leaving sooner than I did. These are red flag behaviors and you should steer clear of this guy….

Reply June 2, 2014, 6:31 pm


I will share my story here this is how it goes:
I met this amazing man in this Summer in NYC. He was from Denver visiting with his friends, we connected immediately the chemistry and attraction was all over, we talked from 6 PM until midnight I felt like Cinderella! he asked to see me that entire weekend, I agreed and we had dinner and walked around the city holding hands. I immediately felt in love and we had sex 4 days later. Then he went back to Denver we exchanged emails and a week after he bought me a ticket to see him later that month.

He would call me every day morning and night, to say he missed me, he is business man extremely busy but made the time to show me how much he cared, he said he wanted me to meet his parents, would text me his pictures before going into meetings, I felt in love and I showed him my emotions and I thought it was mutual. I flew there had an amazing time, so romantic perfect, then when I came back he automatically became distant, stopped calling every second but only at end of the day to say good night. I have been suffering and crying so much! I asked him what happened and why he became distant, he said I came on too strong and I freaked him out! I can’t believe when he was the one saying he loved me and that I was the first woman that he show interest after 2 years from being divorced from his 4 years marriage. He said he is guarded and had walls around his heart. I am so confused! before he wanted all this, he wanted my love and to hear how much I wanted to be with him. This past weekend I opened up and said I wanted to apologize and said if I came too strong I would like a chance and start fresh one step at time, he said yes, that he likes me and wanted to continue communicating. I haven’t heard from him for 4 days so my question is: should I tell him to stop calling me? I don’t even know why he does, we live thousands of miles away apart and I am suffering! but I love him and I want to give a chance, should I be strong and give him the time to evaluate his feelings for me? but one thing I want to say for all the women here: please read this book: men who can’t love, you will understand much better the male brain and never repeat those mistakes again, I wish I have read it before I met him…

Reply October 13, 2011, 4:58 pm


I met this guy & we kicked it off real good! We have been dating for about 4 months now. In the beginning things were great. He has told me how much he likes me, how Im different from the rest, and that I seem almost too perfect, and that he might be falling in love. I responded what you see is what you get. Iam a good woman. I really started to like this guy. He has been good to me & my 2 kids. These last few weeks I noticed he has started to kind of distance hiself from me. He doesn’t call as much anymore or he doesn’t respond to any of my texts as much. I asked him how did he feel about me, & he stated that he really likes me a lot. Why doesn’t he act like anymore? Could he be loosing interest? Why can’t he just say that? I NEED HELP!

Reply October 10, 2011, 1:31 pm

Red Sonia

I have a co-worker he is a caucasion widow (less than 4 months) Dad (BETA) with a girl a toddler in he is in his late 30’s. I’m an african american female (ALPHA) in my late 40’s with one adult child. We are both financially secure business executives who even in this economy could take a time out from work. I’m ready to be a wife and mother again and he is well aware of that. We have been confidants for the past 4 months and have shared some very deep emotional discussions on love, loss, and recovery. We share snakes and he makes comments on how we have many things in common. I’ve grown emotionally attached to him and his child however a month ago he annonced he was attracted to an old friend in her mid 20’s of he & his deceased wife. They have a relationship that’s very private (not for public knowledge). How does a man in mourning 4 months who is mentally not balanced, dealing with being single dad, working serious long hours, and then becoming Mr. Mom at the end of the work day, go from wanting to share a soda from the same bottle with me one week to this person from his past in his private space? I didn’t see her coming. I didn’t think he was through the grieving process for his wife whom he loved dearly. I thought I was respecting her who I didn’t know by not making a move. Now, since the woman has come on the scene I told him I love him and his toddler and that I know I’m not what he wants so give me space to allow me to just get over it. He gave me a time out but we slowlyfall back into old office habits like the other woman doesn’t exist. We have never been physically involved. Mentally we have a great time, laughing, joking, and handling business remarkably together and then comes the end of the day when he goes to her. If she is what he wants (he said it) why go out of your way to come to my office and have mature and immature conversations? Why cann’t he keep it work? I follow his lead when he strays from strictly work discussions. I don’t know what to think or do at this point. No, we have never talked nasty or sexually towards each other. We have discussedromantic likes and dislikes from food to sex in the rain and yes we have mutual likes and dislikes (mirror). Help!!

Reply September 21, 2011, 10:30 pm


ok i have a question. ive known this guy for 12 yrs off and on we would get together and were pretty much friends with benefits. this last go around that we hooked up it had been at least five yrs since we seen each other.he ended up getting married and had been since seperated. now he lives five hrs away,his parents have been trying to buy a house in the town that i live they would all come down once a month.ok so it pretty started he found me on FB and we started txting oh about five months went by before he made his first trip down here.we spent six hrs together and it was like so much fire still there for the both of us. so the following month same thing.but way better. so right after that we were txting and he came out and told me how he had really felt about me. he said that if i couldnt tell by the way he kissed and looked at me then no matter what he says wouldnt matter. then he said that he thinks about me all the time just not sexually either.he said that honestly it be txing,email or in person these feelings are getting stronger all the time.he said that hope you know i care about you and would never intentionally hurt you physically or emotionally.i mean ive always had feelings for him so ya can imagine how i felt knowing that finally he is feeling the same thing. then one nite he said that oh you lust after my body.i was like oh well go with that.he said or do you prefer i say love,i was like can i plead the fith on that one.of course we kinda laughing about it.well that night when we said our good nites that we have done every nite for months he said and luv ya.well i was happy…he was always saying how much he missed me and how much he was thinkin of me.calling me baby,babe and hun.calling me sweetie and sexy..well couple days after he told me how he felt.his attitude changed like i did something i dunno what happened.and when i asked he says no reason.that is all he ever almost two months went by and we act like just friends.and im hurt and upset cause i dunno what happened i asked him if he regrets telling me and he says no i what the heck am i supposed to do or think here.i love this guy and i know he does love me too but i dont know what to think.i think hes scared of the way hes any insight would help on what i should do. we are so compatible.we txt from the time we get up till the time we go to bed.we always have something to say to each other.we have SO much in common, he makes me laugh and smile and we make each other happy hes told me he hasnt been this happy in quite sometime. so please i dont wanna give up on this guy.god is always bringing us together in one way or another.i dunno what to do..please help im desperate. thanks so much

Reply August 21, 2011, 9:23 am


I like both of your responses Eric Charles. The explanation you gave is so true. My daughter dated this guy (refer to comment March 27 & May 6 for some insight) for three months, How can he say all these things to a person and act the way he does and not think that his actions could cause pain to someone. Maybe I am old fashioned but why not go on few dates with each other to see if there is a connection and after a month if there is no connection you can be friends. From what my daughter said was he did share some stuff he did in the past but didn’t really share all of his past with her. She was honest with him the whole time. He told her that he wasn’t happy with his job and where he lived but when she offered to help him find a better job or another place to live he said no I don’t need your help. This isn’t a answer to give to someone that cares for you. And the excuse he gave her when he broke up with her leaves you wondering if that was the real truth or just a lie. Yeah I would like to say he was a nice guy and that his life isn’t set up right now to have you (the person that you are) in his life. But a part of me thinks that he was full of crap. So what do you think ??

Reply June 4, 2011, 2:46 pm


so i have had the same thing happen to me. my family knew this guy and thought so highly of him. they knew my past experience with men were all bad and i even had a 6 month old baby alone. well i met him and at first we were both shy and my family didnt help at all by pushing us to talk and ride in the car together, go places together… they just always had to say something .. eventually he and i just blew them off and started talking on our own. well he started to tell me things like “i see you in my future” , “i want to be the perfect guy for you” .. he even drove 3 hours to pick me up at the halfway point) eventually he ended up kissing me and i assumed that he liked me more then a friend. the nexy day we hung out and kissed a few times but nothing further. that night i asked him what our status was and he told me “getting to know eachother, i dont want to jump into a relationship until we are both stable” (i live in another state 6 hours away, but im always in his state because that is where my family lives) so i told him that we shouldnt continue kissing because i liked him and didnt want to get hurt by the situation, well the next day niether of us texted the other, so the following day i texted him and we just acte normal like nothing happened and didnt kiss. that same week , he and i plus my family went to the beach and we had a good time (in my eyes) , there were times when we would do our own thing and other times when we would do stuff together … now im in my state and i wanted to continue texting him so we dont lose contact and he texts back but just responds, doesnt ever ask questions about me or what im doing .. and today he didnt text me at all, i texted him, no response … i just dont get it . i know he is a nice guy but i have told him to always just be honest, if he doesnt like me to just tell me … what do you guys think about this situation ….

Reply June 1, 2011, 6:49 pm


Thanks Hannah for your comment we appreciated it. I left the same comment maybe a little more in depth of the situation on another website and they said it sounds like the guy that dated my daughter for 3 months was a player. She thought because she was going to full time college and didn’t have a job,no tattoos and she didn’t hardly drink and party alot (if you know what I mean) that was the reason for the break up. I also didn’t mention that he would stay over at our house a few days a week and fed him breakfast and she would stay over at his place a few days a week. On the days she stayed over she would drive to his place and I always made sure she had a snack,breakfast and lunch because she had class the next day. I didn’t want people to think she was a moocher. He worked in the afternoon till closing and worked weekends. He’s a young guy that lives on his own and has bills and didn’t leave much time to do anything because he didn’t have the money to.She understood that and was happy if they went out once a month. I will never understand how he can wake up everyday and look people in their eyes and acts the way he does and be ok with that. Since the break-up she still going to college, looking for a job, goes to the gym three days a week and does alot more things independally.

Reply May 6, 2011, 1:19 pm


well i think that he did not like you enough to continue with your relationship…. He probably is a guy who gets bored easily… You are better without hem dont tripp .. Let go… & have fun … You have many more options and their gonna come a guy that will never get bored of you… Sencirly Anna & Hannah =]

Reply March 31, 2011, 2:12 pm


I agree with your comment. My daughter met this guy three and a half months ago.They texted each other for about the first two weeks and he said they had alot in common and asked her out on a date.They went out on the date and the next day he told her that was the best date he had ever. They got together 4 days later and he came over to watch a movie.Within that time he changed his FB status from being single to in a relationship.They hung out more connected and were inseperatable. About 1 week later my daughter changed her FB status to in a relationship. She said that she finally met a respectable guy who treats her right. Everything was going fine he put a plastic rose on her car and left a note in her room saying i love you with all my heart you mean the world to me. When he texted her he would use terms of endearment and I love you so much. And then from there he gave her a promise ring.She said it was to early for that but she would wear it.(because she didn’t want him to think she is rejecting his feelings towards her).The relationship was fine a few tiffs here and there but thats normal. He even dedicated songs to her. He even introduced her to his friends and brother. And out of the blue on their 3 month anniversary he dumped her. This isn’t working out for me and I need time to focus on myself. It’s not your fault it’s mine and I will always love you.Then he has the nerve to ask for a hug and wanted to walk her to her car. She did not give a hug and she walked herself to her car. Told him to have a nice nice and wished him the best. So what do you think about all this ??

Reply March 27, 2011, 12:55 pm


Just recently I experienced this very same thing. He persued me heavy, we dated for about 4 months…we live about an hour from each other driving so no big deal seeing each other right? I met his friends, he mine. Been to each others houses and of course had amazing sex!!! Now all of a sudden I am the one calling, texting, doing shout outs, because he’s MIA unless on FB and we really do not comment on each others status updates….well I’ve since stopped being the communicator and has resumed my old habbits before dating him.

Reply March 3, 2011, 10:13 am

Smart Payment Plan

This has happened to me too. The guy was coming on so strong the first 3 weeks or so, then he suddenly became more and more distant, all the while telling me he wanted to keep seeing me. very confusing but i finally realized he was confused and did not know what he wanted. so i became very busy and now we are in a grey area. i do not know if we will get back because I dont think he can give me anymore or open up in anyway.

Reply October 19, 2010, 7:04 pm


I just had one of these situations. We had dated twice for 1 1/2 month each time (4 dates the last time), and both times there seemed to be a disconnect in that we were not really talking about anything deeper. The second time was a little better.

The second time around he came on super strong and then slowly backed off. But, I saw that every time we went out, and had a good time, he would distance further. Last time I saw him, he asked me out, but when I got there he was cold, distant and began to get mean.

I am still beating myself up, but for the life of me, I don’t think I did anything. I did not ask about the furture, and only once did I start a text conversation, which I cut off.

On that last time after he had been so cold – I had a conversation with him. I said – I am enjoying spending time with you, but I feel like there is a disconnect and I can’t describe or understand it. Then I said – how do you feel like things are going between us. He said in a very robotic way (he totally had disconnected – it was very weird) – I enjoy spending time with you, but this will not get serious.

So, I said thank you, I appreciate your honesty, but I don’t want to be in anything that does not have potential. I continued with – from my perspective I do not understand why you came on so strong and slowly backed off. This is the second time around. I want to be with someone who is into me, and will show me attention, and that I don’t think you can give that to me.

I truely don’t know what happened, but I could feel that shield. I am sad because I have never had such a weird robotic encounter. I just wish I did not blame myself.

Any thoughts anyone?

Reply June 25, 2010, 11:37 am


What a load of rubbish. He is obviously just a knob but you don’t know him well enough to see that about him.
‘A matter of where he is in his life’? If he was a great, solid guy it wouldn’t matter what his work or other commitments were you would still be together. He is a flake. As far as I’m concerned don’t bother telling people you care about them and want them around, if in fact you don’t. It just makes you a douche.
Get as far away as possible. There is someone much more worthwhile out there.

Reply June 11, 2010, 8:04 am


I’ve had a kind of similar experience…except this guy started off completely into me telling me similar things “i can really see a future with you” “Never thought about marriage with a girl until you” How lucky he amazing i am…but then he found out how “into Christianity” i was, with him an atheist, he would then change his mind about how much he liked me literally every second day. One day, he’s totally into me, thinks he may even love me, then the next not interested…doesnt care…won’t call, doesnt know if its right, not sure how he feels…then back to being smitten…and this up and down went on for a month and a half. What the heck?!? Frustrating much?!

I later also found out towards the end he started a fling with another girl while we were still seeing each other and then when we’d officially ended things, went back to his ex in less than a week but still calls me to see how i’m going and to talk to me when he’s down… Any thoughts?

Reply May 16, 2010, 10:00 am

Eric Charles

Can’t say for sure… Maybe:
– playing hard-to-get
– thinks you’re extremely annoying but too hot to resist
– wasn’t initially attracted, but then became “charmed” by you
If you ended up dating… why not ask him what that was about? ;)

Reply March 29, 2010, 10:26 pm


This is very interesting. But I’m curious, what about the opposite scenario? If a guy swears up and down he doesn’t like you, and then you end up dating. What is that about?

Reply March 28, 2010, 2:27 pm


The number one reason being that you don’t know and all blaming yourself will do is make you upset.

-Interesting…I experienced this last fall…unstead of hims saying he just wasn’t wasn’t that into me anymore…he became distant…unavailable…I probably replayed our last encounter a million times trying to see what I could have done ( and my girlfriend constantly planting the “you did something” seed in my ear didn’t help either!). Finally I just had to ask, “Did I do something.” At this point, I was already upset…I was really feeling this guy…then he comes back with some bs reason as to why he was no longer engaged, and then I became pissed!

A year has almost passed and I still feel some kinda way about the situation…but I am moving on, and in doing so I let him know that there are no hard feelings. We have had a couple of minimal exchanges and it was it is.

Reply October 5, 2009, 12:19 am

alicia d

he met another girl.

Reply June 12, 2009, 12:05 pm


the answer to the question may not be totally about him, but also about your behaviour with him. did you get to clingy, did you already love him too much? take it easy, continue to play hard to get, don’t give yourself completely emotionally.

Reply May 25, 2009, 8:23 am


you did not have sex with him, so you did not bond. After 2 weeks, the feelings were not there anymore, there was nothing for him to think about, nothing to miss, nothing to desire. Not being rude, just my humble opinion

Reply May 20, 2009, 8:09 pm

Leave a Comment

Recent Relationship Forum Activity


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"