Don't know how to react.


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  • #633829 Reply

    Kayla

    Deena
    Honestly, stop the pity party. You attitude sucks, which may be why you aren’t getting the guy. A confident woman doesn’t keep putting herself down like you have throughout this entire thread. You will continue to ‘lose’ the guy if you don’t get your head on straight and stop picking the man before he decides to pick you. You are dating wrong. The strategy should be to pick from the men who show the highest level of interest. Not the ones who are Luke warm or hot and cold. In this case you clearly hung in there way too long and put you hopes into a man that never showed the high level of interest. If he had, you would not still be casually dating him four months in. Most men will make you an exclusive gf by the third month

    #633837 Reply

    Fran

    You know when someone eats something with a lot of garlic, and the awful smell just flies right off of them? That’s what desperation is like. It’s like garlic. Guys can smell it from a mile away. To be fair, so can women.

    Deena, I went through the same thing. I went through it many many times. You’re not a loser. Maybe he’s a loser. We don’t know. But there isn’t anything you can do about him. And that’s okay. Because–and I can’t stress this enough–there will be someone better. But ONLY if you change your attitude and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    There’s nothing wrong with being sad about it, even having a night in and eating ice cream. But it’s like a job hunt….If a door closes, you have to keep trying. Something good is bound to happen; the odds are in your favor.

    But this has got to stop. You’re actually making it worse. You might as well have bathed in garlic. Get some perspective. Shake it off. Watch funny movies. Laugh. Guys like women who laugh. Just like we like men who make us laugh. There were guys I cried over because I liked them best and they didn’t want me and I was a mess about it….Now looking back, my God, they weren’t worth my time; there were better guys out there! Guys who are considerate, warm, kind, affectionate, reliable. They exist.

    #633842 Reply

    Deena

    Do men ever change their mind?

    #633843 Reply

    L

    Do women ever learn?

    #633844 Reply

    Deena

    Obviously not

    #633850 Reply

    Shannon2

    Deena, my questions is why you’re so emotionally invested. It seems like you’re putting the cart before the horse, and stop with all the SELF LOATHING, ITS NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL. You’re casually dating, you’re not in a relationship. Why do women get so attached to men before they agree what and how the relationship will be. For God’s sake….YOURE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN, YOURE ONLY DATING!!!! AND FOR ALL THE WOMEN WITH THIS TIME FRAME THING, EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT, THERE IS NO PERFECT TIMING OR FORMULA FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP….FIRST OFF THE RELATIONSHIP HAS TO BE ESTABLISHED AND DEFINED BY THE PARTIES INVOLVED. CALM DOWN GIRL…GO OUT HAVE FUN AND STOP WITH ALL THE EXPECTATIONS.HAVE FUN, DATING IS FOR HAVING FUN, NOT SETTING TIMELINES INTO A RELATIONSHIP. GOOD LUCK

    #633857 Reply

    Shell

    Turn off your phone, pour yourself a glass of wine and take half an hour to watch this video. Everything happens for a reason and you will be fine I promise x
    youtu.be/fbESUfxpEY0

    #633861 Reply

    Deena

    Thank you all for the advice. I truly do appreciate it. I am too far into depression and don’t have the strength to really look for any silver linings.

    In all reality, I know this guy doesn’t have the power to make me feel the way I do but he seemed to really like me uo until a few weeks ago. I was so afraid this would happen (it has happened twice before) and guess what, it did. I honestly didn’t think I was giving a vibe of desperation. Until very recently maybe when things fell out of balance.

    I have refrained from reaching out. He responds if I do, but it feel “different” now and feel he is probably doing so out of pity. I want him to reach out to me on his own but it doesn’t seem like that will ever happen again.

    #633862 Reply

    L

    Did it ever occur to you that you were happy before, when you didn’t realize he wasn’t that into you? The only things that’s changed is your awarenesss.

    #633863 Reply

    Dee

    I know I have my issues but compare to how you’re feeling it’s nothing.

    Honestly – if someone made me felt – the way he is making feel – I would delete and block him.

    It’s okay to have “pity-me” moments over a guy but this is self destruction – he is so not worthy.

    Just cry once and let it go – please – for your own sanity.

    #633865 Reply

    Patti

    Wow, I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to be with a Suzy sunshine like you!

    #633866 Reply

    alia

    L nailed it! The dynamic changed when you realized he wasn’t that into you. It probably happened before also. It’s probably nothing you particularly did other than the men themselves had a different idea in their heads as to who you are. It can happen to everyone. It can also happen that you can’t get rid of someone, who maybe was lukewarm at the beginning, but fell in crazy love with you after the dating was over. This happens. But you are as much evaluating him during his time as he is evaluating you. At this point you should see that he is a flake and not that interested. It’s best to make the decision of breaking up, when you feel he is not that into you, instead of continuing it until it’s confirmed over and over and it’s starting to erode your self esteem. You can end any dating scenario on your own accord, you are not at a mercy of these men. In face you probably hung in there too long with people who weren’t earning your affections to begin with and they lost respect for you because you didn’t show them the door. Men know very well when they are being less that desirable. They expect you to cut them off, usually.

    #633867 Reply

    Deena

    That’s not fair, Patti. I only got distraught AFTER he started acting flaky. I never cried to him or pushed him to define us. I refrained from over texting, calling, etc. I tried to let him do 90% of the initiating.

    #633869 Reply

    Deena

    So, nowadays, men just start acting shifty so you will break up with them if they are tired of you? That’s awful. However way you look at it, I am the lower person here. Either he decided he didn’t like me anymore because I did something wrong or he lost respect for me because I didn’t end it with him when he flaked out.

    I just can’t win.

    #633871 Reply

    Patti

    My comment Is more than fair. You give off a vibe that is a turn off. As someone stated earlier, it’s like garlic, a man can smell desperation a mile away. It’s just that in our case you are putting words to the vibe. You hung in too long with a man that wasn’t all that interested. Take some time to mourn and get yourself back together. It’s ok to be disappointed, but depressed? It was four months of casual dating. You don’t really even know this man or if he would have even been a good bf if he asked for that chance. You can take your power back and realize that this just isn’t the one. Or you can wallow until you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself. I have to say. You haven’t said one positive thing theoughiut this entire thread. And while I know you are disappointed you might want to put things in perspective. This isn’t the end of a four year marriage, it was four months, of dating a man with no strings attached. Now you can and will argue that it doesn’t matter and you are still devasatated and depressed. And that’s fine. But we choose happiness. It doesn’t just happen.

    #633872 Reply

    Kayla

    I don’t think you should date for awhile until you figure out how to do it. When you date casually a man doesn’t owe you anything, he is free to date others and to move on as he pleases. You have the same rights. Yes, it would be nice if he told you he was fading out, but based on what you write here, can’t you see why most men don’t? I can only imagine your response to him. Men don’t want to hurt you or deal with the questions and drama. Which while it seems mean, a man doesn’t want to have to explain himself. Especially when he isn’t your bf. I think Lane mentioned this a few times. When a man and woman are dating, even way back in the day it was perfectly normal for people casually dating to just fade away in each other, because when the full on attraction isn’t there, you stick around until wsomeone else captures your interest.
    It sounds like you keep following them same pattern which is why you keep getting the same result, you get attached to the men who are not yet attached to you and then get depressed because things don’t work out. It takes two for a relationship to work.

    #633873 Reply

    alia

    You are allowed to end a relationship also. I can’t imagine you were in love with all three of these men this happened with? Why did you stay in relationships that were less than desireable is the more important question.
    It’s nice and honorable to break up with someone as soon as you feel like it’s not a match, but not everyone is self aware enough, and have a healthy enough self esteem, including men. Do you always break up honorably and in person? Or do you not break up at all? It’s just as flaky of you to hang in there without stating your intentions as it is for a guy. You’re both in this arrangement, you both have say.

    #633876 Reply

    Deena

    I know I handled everything wrong. You’re right. I have no business dating. I have been out of work for over a year and all the stress that goes with it. I probably dated for all the wrong reasons, to make me feel worthy as not working has made me feel worthless. I am at a very low point right now and while I still get up every day and try to live, the recent issue with this man has hit me very hard. I genuinely liked him. I thought he liked me. I was wrong about that and I admit it.

    #633878 Reply

    Karen

    Ummm.. why don’t you focus on your personal life and getting a job. If I were out of work the last priority would be dating or a bf. That says a lot about your state of mind. Having a bf is not what creates self worth. And frankly, it’s not attractive to most men. Like women… men prefer women who have their acts together.

    #633881 Reply

    Jenna

    Girl, go find a job to keep yourself busy and you won’t have time to think about him. Get your life fulfilled and you’ll be fine. I’m still sad of my guy but life is carrying on, it is too short to mourn a loss of one person especially when he doesn’t give a damn about us.

    #633884 Reply

    Love

    You’ve received a lot of sympathy and advice to consider from some very helpful ladies who have taken time to respond. At this point, this is just turning into gratiutious attention-seeking. Won’t be feeding into that anymore. Time to get up and help yourself.

    #633923 Reply

    redcurleysue

    It is ok to be a little depressed. It is ok to cry. But, you know that any human being is not worth beating yourself up over. He was and is just a man…that is all. And, if you are smart you will date lots of men in the future and hopefully find a good one.

    So, it is time to focus on you….you are a valuable woman with lots to give to the right people. Once you get over this a bit and look for a job you will come to the realization that we will feel closer to some people more than others and that is ok.

    I think if you focus on the job search (put your entire energy into that – six to eight hours a day) you will feel more in control. You have a say in what happens to you.

    So focus on job hunting and getting an interview outfit together….think about how you want to answer interview questions and so on. Work helps me cope…I think it may help you cope too.

    #633927 Reply

    Deena

    Thank you, RedCurleySue. I think work would help me take my focus off of him and other things. It has in the past. I am doing my best.

    #633941 Reply

    Loving Me

    Deena,
    I just stumbled on your post after googling stupid guys stuff. I’m experiencing a breakup myself…the scenario is different than yours but I couldn’t help but read what you posted. I honestly feel your pain and have muttered those same exact words in the past…”I just want someone to love me. I want someone to care.” I have been in a very dark depression before over a guy…guys. Yes, I’ve given them more power over my emotions than I allow of myself! For me, I’ve learned in therapy (several years of it and I still go…it’s an investment in me) that some of my childhood events warped my sense of self worth. Unfortunately I grew up not learning how to love myself…some of us don’t have the best role models and maybe it’s because our mothers were lacking self love too. Who know the “why” but I do know that when things like this, breakups and/or when men just walk away from us, the healthy response is to let him walk and for us to let him go. Release the negative feelings because they will eat you up. Instead we, yep I’m including myself because I’m guilty of it, take it personally. We obsess over what we did wrong and how we should have acted to keep his interest. That’s not healthy thinking. What’s really happening is when the guy walks away it triggers something, something toxic in us, reminding us of that scared/lonely/unlovable feeling we had as a little girl. That feeling is hard wired in us but you have the power to change your wiring!

    For me the best thing I can do when I’m at my lowest point is to embrace the little girl inside of me. The same goes for you. Think of the little girl inside who is crying and she needs your loving care right now. I know it sounds stupid but it really isn’t!! When you are able to look inside yourself and see that the little girl in you who deserves love and who is absolutely worthy of love, you’ll stop allowing the actions of others to impact you like this. Will you be sad sometimes, absolutely but it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to cry about it. You said it yourself…you liked him. You obviously have a good heart. Be proud of that because not everyone does. Now look at the little girl inside who’s also crying and sad…how would console her? Don’t ignore her. Prove to her you have a good heart too. If she was standing right in front of you…what would you do? When mine is sad and lonely, I cheer her up…I love on her because SHE’S who is important to me…not the man I just met four or five months ago.

    Be strong and hug that little girl inside of you. You’re worthy of so much more and have a lot of love to give…so why not give some of it to you first for a change? If you allow yourself to do it, you’ll see it feels amazing!

    Sending you good vibes and hugs! Take care! :-)

    #634128 Reply

    Deena

    Thank you all for your words and advice. I have come to a decision and I feel very peaceful now.

    May you all find and live the happiness you deserve.

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