Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Don't know how to react.
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Again, you have tunnel vision. All your focus is on him.
It doesn’t matter if you hear from him or not, because you need to step back and work on YOU.
And let’s say he calls just because he’s bored or wants to put in minimal effort until he finds someone else, or for sex, or an ego stroke?? That should not be what you want.
You HAVE to get your self worth from YOU. Not a man, and NOT anyone else. I’m not trying to be cruel, but I almost hope you don’t hear from him so you wake up and stop ignoring the real issue.
Because even if he calls, nothing has changed with you, and that means nothing can work in this state. I hate to see you continue down this same path and hurt yourself more, before you gather the strength and determination to do the hard work (the internal work).
But I think it’s going to take you experiencing deeper and more profound pain before you are ready to wake up, and stop looking for band aids (other people) to fix temporarily what is broken IN YOU.
You are mentally ill and don’t deserve to be happy.
Maybe you’re right. I think it is time for me to give up on happiness. I am so tired of being hurt and losing people I like. The worst part is that I think it is all my doing but I can’t stop it. Perhaps it isn’t just in the cards for me to be loved and happy. I never seem to learn from my mistakes.
Why do some people like “duh” have to be so hurtful on here and kick you when you are down? : (
Do not listen to “duh” —shows a reflection of their character and nothing to do with you.
You have gotten some great advice (not duh!!) You are getting stuck in feeling bad for yourself. Re-read the good advice and start doing and getting busy. Good luck, sending hugs :)
Well, I think he has officially ghosted me. I really thought he was more mature than that but I guess I was wrong. When he texted me Tuesday night, he told me he would be on vacation for two days and be back Friday. Stupid me was thinking I might hear from him since it is Friday. I haven’t heard anything.
This has been the worst day ever and now I have to try and live with the fact that I am never going to see or hear from him again. My stomach is in knots and I have been crying and staring at my phone all day. I have managed to not contact him, though, which is unusual for me in this emotional state:
Someone please talk to me. I feel so alone.
Based on what you’ve said here, you seem really depressed. I really don’t think dating is a good thing for you right now. Therapy would really help. You can’t build a house without it constantly caving in on itself if you don’t first set up a proper and solid foundation. Until you get that foundation of confidence up, every person you meet, every man you date, you unwittingly ask those silent questions you’re not even aware you’re asking: “Tell me who I am. Tell me what I’m worth”.
Deena, don’t waste most of your life figuring out that the ONLY person that you can trully ask that question to is yourself. We’re social creatures, we’re socialized to look for our worth and status in other people’s eyes, to compare, to look for that mirror. But it’s a losing game. Stop wrenching your heart trying to convince others you are worthy of interest, that you matter. You do matter. You are worthy of interest. But it can only start with you treating yourself this way first. You have to treat yourself like you matter. You have to treat yourself as a person worthy of interest. Take it from me, been there, done that. The best thing you can do for yourselt right now is be kind and get yourself some help. You matter.
Thank you for your kind words. I was seeing a therapist. He wasn’t helping and then I ran out of money.
How do I see myself as worthy if others don’t? How am I not supposed to feel bad when he just up and stops talking to me? How do I not take that as a sign that I am not worthy or interesting enough to talk to or deserving of an explanation?
I know I am depressed. Having this happen to me certainly isn’t helping.
I just want someone to love me. To show me they care about me. To be honest and consistent.
This is what i say to my 9 year old son when he tells me He has No friends; i tell him his best friend, the One who he needs to cherish cause Its the One that will be here forever is him! What You need to understand is that no One can détermine your worth and No One can hurt You as long as You dont allow It! Dont dwell, Live! Now! Time is precious. Feel, listen, open up, see the beauty! You ll soon see what really metters. Sending You huggs.
People need to stop investing themselves emotionally way too fast when you have only known each other a couple of weeks or months. People are fickle and you should never expect too much from them. Things can crumble even years down the track! Just learn to let go and enjoy it for what it was. Another person will be around the corner again and the whole thing will start all over again. Same advice – don’t invest too soon. Let it happen slowly and over TIME. You have your own life to be plugged into, with your own things to do and passions to pursue instead of wondering why a guy isn’t as interested anymore or why he’s becoming distant. If he’s doing any of these things you can’t take it personally. There’s probably stuff going on with the guy you don’t know about. So just let go and enjoy it for what it was at the time, no matter how brief.
Hey Deena. Sometimes therapists aren’t helpful if we don’t find one that is a right fit for us at the time. Even if you’ve run out of money there are resources out there. You have the intenet. There are libraries. There are likely Meetups in your town (some cities actually have meetups focused on those who are experiencing depression or trying to improve aspects of their life and they are free). It’s worth asking your medical doctor for free resources in your community (some communities have doctors that run CBT clinics focused on stress that might be covered by your national insurance). You have a pair of sneakers, or a bike, get moving. There are many things you can do to help yourself out of this state.
In terms of assessing your worth in others eyes, I know it’s difficult. That’s why you need some time and patience and guidance to help you learn how to do it.
But reading your thoughts here, it’s so obvious that you’re assuming things about others people’s actions, all negative. (ie. he thinks I’m a whore, yada yada).
Some suggestions. An EXCELLENT book for depression, that walks you through exercises, and that is based on reseasrch: “The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression” by K. Strosahl and P. Robinson. Maybe even better than some therapists :)
Your post also had me thinking about a post you might find interesting. Look up “I Feel Bitter About All Of My Exes And I Can’t Get Over It!” by Heather Havrilesky. Her advice is on point and you might get some strength from reading it.
Right now lots of things going for you. You sought out therapy. And your ruminating about this guy means you actually have the energy and concentration of a ninja….just need to turn that around and focus it on building your throne!
Thank you for the suggestions/resources. I will definitely look into them. I know it is against everyone’s advice but I want to reach out to him so badly. Hearing from him would alleve my anxiety and make me feel as if I am indeed likable.
I miss hearing from him. We talked a lot. I just hate this so much.
It’s ok to miss him or the idea of him. Just don’t contact him.
Some men are like chicken pox. You want to scratch because it feels good IN THE MOMENT, but leaves you feeling horrible longer term with a scar. Wrap some oven mitts on your hands so to speak, and suck it up.
Do not contact him- there is a very good chance he will not answer a call or text you back and then you will feel even worse than you do now. And you will be giving all the power in this situation to him. Go for a walk and do something for yourself.
Yeah, I know it will make me feel bad to send a text and have it sit unanswered. I have gone through that before.
I just don’t know what happened. I feel so overwhelmingly sad about this. He seemed different. It just goes to show that even mature, educated men can be hurtful.
I feel I won’t get past being knocked down by this. My self-esteem was already in the dumps and now he has ghosted me. So very painful…
“I just want someone to love me. To show me they care about me. To be honest and consistent.”
– If you don’t love and/or value yourself first. How on earth do you expect to know when you are receiving that from someone else? You can’t. You have nothing to measure up to or have guidelines. You will be trampled over and over. Just because a man is nice and seems interested for a few months means nothing. Infatuation fades, people you date come and go all the time. In order for you to be truly happy with someone, you have to know what you will and won’t tolerate, that’s from really knowing yourself and loving yourself.
Oh Deena – I am sorry you’re feeling this way.
I sometimes ask the same questions about myself “am I not interested enough “am I too boring” because I am homing person and I like to stay in instead of going out.
And I usually attracts guys who are very social and have a lot going on with their lives – so when they don’t want to spend a lot of time with me I feel “rejected” “unwanted- not worthy of their precious time ”
Right now – at this moment-I feel rejected and unwanted – so I got myself hot apple pie and Ice cream together while watching a horror movie – and it taste so good and so wrong at the time but I love it.
For the last 18 months this is second time a guy is showing disinterested in me – and although they never ghosted me – it have left me feeling as although I wasn’t worthy.
But I realised I am in control of how I feel – about myself And although it feels crap at times – I accepted/and will accept we were just not meant to be and it’s nothing personal.
So please don’t take it personally- it’s about him not you – he is just coward for not being straight with you.
Deena, there are 3.5 BILLION MEN ON EARTH. 3.5 BILLION. You’ve gone out with maybe enough to count on one hand? Not even a drop of a drop of a drop. MEN, as a race, are NOT rejecting you. This was ONE GUY. Out of 3.5 BILLION MEN ON EARTH. There are other humans out there to have connection and great times with, and the longer you mope around this ONE guy who you feel did you wrong or dramatically rejected you,the less time you’ve left yourself to try meeting any other one of the 3.5 BILLION MEN ON EARTH. Perspective, dear. You need to get angry. At him but most of all yourself for giving this ONE GUY carte blanche over how you feel. You’ve known this guy for like three seconds, and you’ve given him WAY too much power over your emotions. F*ck that guy. You’ve known yourself much, much longer, so you come first, forget this guy. With time, when you’ve come out of this state, you’ll feel pretty foolish that you wasted so much on this guy.
So you discovered ONE GUY who was a d*ck to you. You’re going to meet more of them. We all have. And sometimes, you’re going to be a d*ck to someone, too, whether intentional or not. You’re not perfect either, we all make mistakes. You’ll break someone’s heart. And someone will break yours. Comes with the territory.
3.5 BILLION MEN ON EARTH!!!!
Great post GREAT advice!
@Love, I know he is only one man in billions but it hurts just the same. I honestly don’t think I am going to get over this so easily as everyone thinks. I am way too sensitive.
We briefly texted on Saturday when he was back from his vacation. I asked him where he went and he told me. I asked him if he wanted to get a drink and he said he couldn’t do that tonight (meaning Saturday). I told him maybe some other time then and I haven’t heard from him since.
I feel so pathetic for asking him and being shut down. I have turned into a real loser in his eyes. If I would have just respected his space when he kept telling me he was busy, he would still be into me. I will never forgive myself for ruining things with him.
When he started to talk to me less all my insecurities and fears came out even though he tried to warn me he would be getting busy and not to take it personally.
I am so messed up. I will never be able to keep a good man.
I wish I could go back and redo everything. I am so mad at myself. Why couldn’t he just say “leave me alone?!” How hard is that. Now I am left to suffer in his silence and berate myself.
@Deena: Sorry but this is why men call us women crazy. You can’t just continue to behave like this and hope the outcome will change.
I was in a somewhat similar situation like yours. He said he was going to reach out after a week. He never did and I’ve moved on with my life. I’m not going to lie, I’m still sad and deep down, I hope that one of these days, I will wake up to his text. We were talking to each other everyday for about 8 months, he initiated 95% of our daily convos, he never missed a day. But then he went through a period of time when he said he was so busy with work so he wouldn’t be talking to me as much anymore, and he would reply to my messages once he had a chance. So he still initiated but then he was pretty much gone all day. And then he went silent. I haven’t reached out to him since then either and it has been a month. I liked him a lot, I still do, but I do hope that he finds happiness too. Doesn’t matter if it doesn’t come from me, as long as he finds someone he likes, I’m happy for him.
What means to be, will be. Don’t stress yourself out. Live your life, enjoy the summer, and you’ll find someone else soon enough, I promise.
This was a casual dating situation. He wasn’t a bf. You cannot lose what you never really had. Please stop beating yourself up. If this man really wanted to be with you, texting and asking him to see you would not have turned him off. I think you need to start seeing other men or at least talk to them. I don’t think this relationship is going anywhere.you just keep setting yourself up for hurt instead of looking at this for what it is.
I do talk to other men. I even went out yesterday with someone but I just keep thinking I wish they all were “him.” I am always rejected by the men I like. It has made me hate myself. I am obviously the problem.