Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Don't know how to react.
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L, no offense, and I tell you this with respect, but if you are a teenager you can’t have more experience than older people. I used to think I knew about all at a certain age as well. But I didn’t.
I agree with you that this wasn’t a 5 year marriage and there are bigger problems in life. But she is clearly hurt and sometimes it’s better to have some empathy. Or express things in a way she won’t feel ridiculed.
My 2 cents.
you never know what kind of upbringing and life experiences a person has faced that shaped their self view and outlook on life. 5 month marriage…5 month “fling”….it doesnt really matter. what is profound to one person may not be to another….it all depends on the person. pain is pain. i agree that dwelling and putting yourself down is not effective…..but ridicule and judgmental remarks are not effective either.
Girls, if everybody would be the same, then the OP´s would reply to themselves and nothing would change…
we are different with different opinions, different approaches and different attitudes…
Most importantly, you never know what helps (like really helps) the other person… sometimes its a kind word, sometimes tough love, sometimes provocation (so instead of depression she would get angry)…..
For example, I would like to slap Deena, until she gets to her senses (not because she is in love or depressed, but because she is wallowing in self-pity) and then get a beer with her and hug her:)
Deena, cheer up :) and dont contact him
the loser will be back unfortunately, its their habit
I may be wrong to mourn a 5 month “fling” but that isn’t what it felt like to me. I believed he liked me and he showed me that until he just stopped talking to me. Am I stupid for believing and trusting him? I guess I am.
I knew I would be rudiculed for coming here by some people and that has happened but others have been patient and kind to me.
Yes, I am very hurt by his actions and although I may be handling it all wrong, it is the only way I know how. And how am I supposed to have great self-esteem when this happens and only seems to justify my feelings of worthlessness?
I appreciate the offer to continue coming here to write but it seems my heartbreak has exceeded the expectated amount of pages required to “get over it.”
Ok so, have you finally accepted that he will most likely never contact you again, and you shouldn’t be waiting around for him?
Deena, you have the power to choose what to take on board and what to ignore. “L” has been here for a long long time and she specializes in smart a** one liners to amuse herself at others expense. She doesn’t care about others and the damage she may be causing with her flippant comments, and there doesn’t seem to be any moderation on this site so she isn’t stopped. Occasionally she’s funny and on a few occasions she is right but mostly she’s just a wise cracker with no regard to anyone’s feelings. IGNORE HER and others who are being crappy. It’s a public forum and anonymous so all kinds are going t weigh in here. I think your issues are beyond what can be helped here so you’ve probably gotten enough, don’t put yourself up for the abuse.
I’m confused, it was a four month casual relationship that seems to have now turned into a five month ‘ffling”?? The story keeps changing. From what I can gather you were dating him non-elusively so you got overly invested. Given all your comments and your state of mind, I don’t think any relationship you would get into would be healthy or lasting right now. You apparently have extremely low self esteem and confidence. Please take a time out from dating to address that before you go out there again. Your comments about not being worth his time are heartbreaking. You cannot determine your worth nor should your confidence be based on someone else and their treatment of you.
IYou just told the OP she is now undateable and has eXTREMELY low self esteem. Way to really support and pick up a persons spirits! I just learned a lot from you. I was trying to show her the humor and the practical side of why she should look at this a different way… how silly of me xxx
I have been seeing and talking to him for almost 5 months but the last month has been wonky. We never officially talked about exclusivity but I did ask him a couple of months ago if he was talking to others and he said no. Was he telling the truth? Who knows. Probably not because he never took down or hid his online profile but I hid mine. I should have brought it to his attention that it bothered me, especially since we were sleeping together but I didn’t. Anyway, I didn’t consider it just a fling but that is what was concluded by many here after posting my situation.
Some of the advice I have received here has been really helpful and given me a lot to think about. Also, by coming here, I have resisted the urge to contact him. However, the urge to do so is so strong still.
I know my self esteem and confidence are at an all-time low and that is what I should focus on. Did I make mistakes here, probably, but I don’t think I did anything so heinous that he would feel the need to disappear on me so cruelly.
Of course you didnt deserve him disappearing. Meanwhile, have you done a thing today that made you happy? If not, i would strongly recommend doing that. Every day,pamper yourself
No, Newbie, I haven’t. I got out of bed so I guess that is good. I just don’t feel like anything will make me happy right now. That’s not self-pity…. it is being truthful. I did clip my toenails. Didn’t make me happy but maybe that means I haven’t completely given up.
Regrettably, I still look at my phone, hoping he will reach out. A sign it wasn’t all in my head. *sigh*
How’s the job hunt going – it helps to get out and about.
Have a shower/bath – put on a lovely outfit and makeup and takes selfies – it always cheers me up
Or get a good book – just get lost in it – it will take your mine of him
Or start watching CSI series or Colombo
Or start painting even if you’re really bad at it .
What do you enjoying doing Deena?
Deena, I don’t wish to hurt your feelings or cause you more pain but you focusing on how cruelly he has treated you is keeping you firmly in victim mentality and if you stay there, nothing anyone says will help pie feel better.
You were not exclusive and now you re saying you took your profile down and he did not. That speaks volumes about where you were with him. You’ve given yourself away and he was never all in. This doesn’t make him cruel. It means he decided to go another direction, which he is entitled to do as you were not exclusive. Your dating him for this long without a discussion on where you were and if you were headed in the sam direction let him know you were OK with this not being serious so he may not feel he needed to have a conversation to end it. Sleeping together is not a commitment in and of itself these days. I’m sorry. He hasn’t done anything wrong or cruel to you. It would have been better if he had formally ended it but it’s very common these days when people meet online for people to just fade away.
If you take responsibility for having gotten too far in and allowed too much, then you also hold the key to changing so this doesn’t happen again. As long as you think and speak and act like a victim you are going to stay miserable for the foreseeable future.
You’re right. It was my fault I am hurt. He doesn’t owe me a thing. I am definitely the cause of all my pain in this situation.
Good girl. What you chose you can learn from and choose again and have a better result. Now you are free to move forward. It’s not about him. It’s about you, having high regard for yourself. You are enough. You really are. No matter what is going on outside you, you can be warm and dry inside, all the time.
Kassy, I’m sorry, but I respectfully disagree.
Disappearing after four months is a horrible thing to do. ‘Cruel’ is maybe a strong word, but disrespectful, cowardly, rude, mean – definitely. I’m sure that most women after dating and having sex for a few months would think that maybe, possibly, there is a slight chance that this may be going somewhere. And I’m sure that OP’s guy is perfectly aware of that.
Regardless, even if it was perfectly clear that this is not going anywhere, ever – saying ‘bye’ is not such a difficult thing to do. Just some basic manners.
And I don’t think that realising this keeps OP in a victim mindset. On the contrary, it should help with moving on. Clearly, this guy is not such a big loss. I, personally, definitely wouldn’t want to date him.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting, Deena. Give yourself some time to process these emotions, but… not too much. You have to make an effort to move on – although time is the greatest healer, it requires your help to do its work.
I don’t think anyone here doubts that how he is behaving is a bit cruel. In my opinion, it’s not nice to just ghost someone. Or didapppear/reappear on someone. That being said, cry your tears and then dust yourself off!!! Don’t mourn this too long. He’s a man and he isn’t that special. He’s just a person. Do one thing a day that makes you feel happy.
I appreciate your respectful disagreement. Let me clarify. your world is created by the words you use. Cruel is a very strong word. Cruel to me is someone who deliberately hurts an animal for example. I rarely use that word. Hey, I’m not saying it’s OK for him to just turn and walk like this, I’m just saying this is unfortunately common. She can spend her time focusing on how “cruel” and “awful” he is or she can acknowledge it stinks but she made some choices that set this thing up and now she can choose something more productive, and move on to what she can control, which is her self talk, her choices, her words and her outlook, which after she’s done grieving the loss – and I hope she doesn’t stay there long – she can face forward.
Experiment with the language thing. I’ve stopped saying I hate anything, I”m starving, I’m dying to see you, etc. I only use “extreme’ language for positive things. Otherwise, it was a bit inconvenient, a bit annoying, or something else that doesn’t get me riled up. I say, that stinks, when I don’t like something because it’s not personal and doesn’t get me at odds with someone and I think about a stinky diaper, which makes me giggle a bit.
The words you use turn up the volume so why turn up the volume on something you don’t’ want?? I hope this helps.
Deena, I know you are feeling hurt, but you really are the one torturing yourself at this point.
You have got to learn the art of letting go. There are some important lessons you can take away from this. Even when someone breaks our heart, it doesn’t mean we are “broken, damaged, or unworthy”. Unless you choose to take it that way. As someone who has personally been through hell and back a few times, I can promise you happiness IS A CHOICE. Yes, the hurt feels raw to you right now. That does NOT mean you have to stay in that state. Stop punishing and abusing yourself. He isn’t doing that to you… YOU ARE.
The reason people have been pounding the low self esteem matnra, and pointing out your total lack of self-love… is because your attitude is wholly within your control. We’ve all been through grief in one form or other. It doesn’t mean it defines you.
You want to know what you are doing wrong?
-Again, you need to speak to a professional who can help you learn how to love and appreciate yourself and destroy all the negative mind-sets. Only then can you rebuild your self-esteem. Your low self-esteem IS the root of everything here. People with healthy self-esteem get hurt too, but they don’t dwell, internalize, and produce more unhappiness from it. They grieve/mourn for a little while, and pick themselves back up. Your low self worth is deriving your happiness and validation from others. That NEVER works! You have to know your worth and love yourself first! That is the key to relationships, love, and healthy boundaries.
You have got to fix that or nothing else will matter.
Secondly, these are the practical items you can adjust for the future:
-if you are dating for an exclusive relationship, you need to express that UP FRONT when you meet someone. That way you can weed out the majority of guys looking for casual, FWB, or just sex. Will it weed out every guy just looking for a hookup? No. But it’s a start. Then you watch if words match actions. If the guy isn’t doing the bulk of initiating and spending time getting to know the real you (NOT SEX) then you know he isn’t really interested, and YOU DUMP HIM. YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE AND SAY IN YOUR LIFE!
-you have to learn how to detach and not give your heart UNTIL A GUY EARNS IT. If you, like most ladies, bond through sex, do NOT HAVE SEX until a guy makes it clear he wants and you are in a committed relationship. You obviously get caught up to heavily too fast. So SET SOME BOUNDARIES.
-make sure to take care of YOU. Get involved in hobbies and activities that make you happy, and make sure you are taking care of your physical body. Working out produces endorphins, which are the happy hormones. Plus it will build your self confidence. You, by admission, have no life of your own to speak of, so you rely on a guy to give you that satisfaction. No, no, no. You need to build a life you love, because a good man in ONLY PART of that. Not the whole shebang.
-if a guy doesn’t prove through actions and words he has integrity and is serious, YOU LET HIM GO. Sooner, rather than later. Dating is not about being nice to the point you lose yourself and have no respect. It’s about being authentic and finding the RIGHT MATCH. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince.
Men love confidence. That means a woman who likes herself and isn’t afraid to be true to who she is. It means GOOD BOUNDARIES and NEVER PUTTING UP WITH BS or crappy treatment.
You are not in a place to be dating. Not because you are unworthy, but because you don’t appreciate yourself, so you put up with low value treatment then wonder why it’s gutting you.
Stop blaming yourself for being less than desirable, because one… that’s not true, but your attitude is. That needs to be fixed, and we CAN’T fix it for you. That is the hard work YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOU.
This guy is gone. It’s not the end of the world. I promise you. It means he’s making room for the right guy to come along, once (and only once) you get right with yourself.
Focus on getting a job and working on repairing your self image. That is within your realm of influence. What other’s think, is not.
Also, I never understand the need to tell a guy off when he disappears. SILENCE HOLDS MORE POWER THAN ANYTHING YOU COULD ever say.
You know what silence says? It says, I am worthy of better, I AM better, and I won’t ever accept douche behavior. If you really need to tell him off to get closure, go ahead. But I DON’T recommend it. Because you ARE NOT strong enough not to fell worse after he ignores you, or says something hurtful.
You have all the power right now by letting him know your silence means you are moving on.
STOP pining and whining for a guy who has shown no real effort at any point. You hung in way too long and gave way too much of yourself and your heart. Before he earned it or invested in you.
We tell women all the time, the guy has to invest in you first, for a reason!
Wonderfully said, Phillygirl. Quite honestly, at this point it is clear that you do not want to get over this Deena. After more than a week of no response to your 2nd or 3rd unanswered text, you are still holding out hope and thinking it is some sort of victory that you have managed to get out of bed and clip your toenails? That has got to be some sort of a joke. You clearly have more serious things in life to focus on such as finding a job, yet she chooses to dwell on this topic for weeks. I am NOT saying that a man disappearing after 4 months is not upsetting or unfair, but it is sadly a fact of life at times these days, and judging by your repeated and incessant self pity and wallowing, I am at this point starting to believe your personality and lack of other exciting things in your life may have led to his departure. Sure, he should have shown you the respect to do so with a conversation or acknowledgment, but I have to say, you do not seem like someone I would care to have a relationship with either at this point. You need to find some time and some way to seriously work on yourself. Ask yourself, would you want to date a man that carries on the way you have been? No, so why should a man want that in a partner either?
Talk about a Debbie Downer! Reading your self loathing comments is quite depressing and quite frankly after 2 weeks of posts on it…getting boring. I think you need a swift kick in the arse to get you jumpstarted on your job hunt! You’re not going to feel better about yourself until you can get that sorted out. Then you need counseling for your self esteem and low self worth. Maybe after both of those things you’ll be ready to date. You definitely need a break right now because a guy you’ve barely known for a few months who only dated you casually and never took down his dating profile as thrown you for a loop and you’re having a hell of a time getting out of it.
If I were you I would absolutely take my power back but I know you won’t do it. Because you think this guy might just come back so you’re scared to actually send that text breaking all ties with him. But if it were me I would send him a text saying it’s been nice getting to know him but you’ve met another guy who you’re really interested in and he’s unfair to your new guy to continue seeing him. That right there is how you get your power back. BOOM! Now even if his interest was fading he thinks he lost the competition to another guy. Priceless!
And Deena, I can promise you, you would be getting much more support and encouragement if you weren’t refusing to stop the perpetual self-abuse. If you were making any steps to pull yourself up, you’d be amazed how quickly others would rally to help you gain momentum.
So yes-your wallowing, self-pity, destructive, self-defeating and self-directed hate dialogue leave little room for anyone to help you.
It’s also very difficult to listen to that without turning people off completely. That is the definition of a victim mentality. You have GOT TO STOP IT. It’s okay to be sad, but it’s not okay to be so negative and self destructive. Words have power.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny”
I have that quote on my desk. I don’t know who said it. But I read it everyday. To remind myself who I am, and who I want to be.
Who do you want to be? Because it’s time to choose, and STOP PLAYING VICTIM.
You’re STILL hoping he reaches out?! WHY?? Am I missing something here?
This thread should have ended long ago. We’ve all told you what you need to do…yet you are still fixated on him. Do you even WANT help?
… Beth, is that you?