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June 7, 2017 at 11:51 am #632460
Hi all. I have been casually seeing a man I met online for a little over 4 months. He has been pretty consistent with communication (mostly texting) and in person meetings. Up until the last few weeks that is. He has been extremely busy and stressed with work and personal life so I have been trying to not take it personally but it is hard. This past week, he has been more quiet than usual. Only reaching out a couple of times. I have been trying hard to pull away as well.
Last night, he texted me that he was going on vacation for a couple of days. He told me when he would be back and said to have a good couple of days. I was stunned. He hasn’t mentioned a vacation in any conversations we have had and then suddenly tells me the night before. He didn’t give me any details.
I know we are in that dreaded “gray zone” right now but why wouldn’t he tell me ahead of time. I didn’t know what to say. I texted him this morning and told him to have fun and I look forward to his return.
It really hurt me. Should I feel bad?June 7, 2017 at 12:00 pm #632468
This sounds like a fade out, I’m sorry to say.
At the four months mark you should be seeing each other more and becoming exclusive. Instead, he’s seeing less of you, communicating less, and now he’s off on a vacation he never told you about. Yes, the fact that he never mentioned he vacation is a sign that he does not see you as a priority.
I think you definitely handled it correctly, but for yourself personally I would see this as a sign that you need to let this guy go and start dating others. He’s not on the same page as you. Also, many men use the “vacation” excuse to ghost. It’s a common theme on here. Based on what you said, I wouldn’t be surprised if you updated to say you never heard from him again.
Maybe not, but this is definitely a sign that you should still be putting yourself back out there. Perhaps he is pulling back to assess things. Just go about your life. Prepare for the worst…hope for the best. All you can do in this situation.June 7, 2017 at 12:04 pm #632473
I agree with Shannon, by the end of 4 months, it shouldn’t be a “grey area” anymore. It should be “relationship town”.
He’s obviously not doing that. Forget him and if n when he does come back with some lame excuse, ignore him. It will just keep happening with guys like this.June 7, 2017 at 12:06 pm #632474
You’re just casual?
Maybe it’s a last minute, “I just need to get away” thing.
It’s nice he let you know…June 7, 2017 at 12:07 pm #632478
Hi Deena. You said you two are casually dating meaning it’s not exclusive therefore he doesn’t owe you any explanation of some sort. Also, you shouldn’t feel bad if he didn’t tell you ahead of time that he’ll be going for a holiday. If you’re the girlfriend then I would understand if you’re upset about him going for a holiday. However, if you both have already planned something else then he suddenly said that he’ll be leaving then that’s understandable if you get upset.
If you’re casually dating then I assume you also date other men? If not, go on and date other men so you wouldnt focus too much on this man.June 7, 2017 at 12:10 pm #632483
If you’re casually dating, and it’s been 4 months…do you see a future with each other? meaning bf/gf? Are you able to date others? If I was casually dating someone, I would not expect them to tell me everything but if they wanted to still get to know me then they would have to keep in touch. If they do great, if not then oh well.
Usually when your dating or trying to establish some sort of trust with someone you respect them and want to tell them your plans and thing that come up. I certainly would put this guy on the back burner until he started showing more interest in me.June 7, 2017 at 12:17 pm #632487
I like this man very much but I am talking/seeing other men. Nothing serious, though.
It is nice of him to tell me but it was pretty much after the fact. I am leaning way back and trying not to focus on him too much but I tend to panic when I feel any change in our interactions.
I pray he isn’t lying to me and plans to ghost on me. : (June 7, 2017 at 12:36 pm #632501
Like Shannon I’m getting a bad vibe from this one. And if you’re only casual and seeing other people then I’m actually wondering if he’s going on vacation with another woman. You say he’s been off the last few weeks and the 3-4 month mark is usually when a man decides if he’s ready to make things official and take the next step in the relationship. To me the fact he’s been stepping back from you, didn’t bother to tell you about his plans and didn’t invite you on this quick vacation makes me think he’s on his way out. Sorry.June 7, 2017 at 12:44 pm #632506
Why does he have to be such a coward, then? Why can’t he just come out and tell me he isn’t interested anymore. Even if it is via text.
I don’t know. I guess you are all right. He is probably with another woman and doesn’t give a crap about me.
Thank you all for your thoughts.June 7, 2017 at 12:49 pm #632510
Sigh, ghosting happens in at least 99% of casual dating scenarios these days.
Why do we expect any different and always ask “Why can’t he just end it properly?”
It’s a sad fact of society and not an okay way to end things, it’s cowardly, really, but it’s something we all have to face.
Guys also do it to leave the door open for a future reappear for more sex, an ego stroke etc…
He’ll be back with lame excuses in a week or so.June 7, 2017 at 12:52 pm #632512
I should say 99% of casual dating break-ups.June 7, 2017 at 12:54 pm #632514
I agree with the others. My guy literally tells me EVERYTHING about his day, down to what he’s cooking for dinner lol. He told me he was going to visit his mother, even called me while driving just to check in and see how my day was.
A man who is PROGRESSING (pushing forward) keeps you in the loop; a man who has no intention of doing so will REGRESS (pull back), which is what he’s doing. I would let this one go as its obvious you want more from him than he’s wanting or willing to give and will always feel on edge with this one.June 7, 2017 at 12:58 pm #632516
Yeah, that alert about going away? Was his clue to you not to expect to hear from him and ‘don’t call me, I’ll call you when I’m back’ I think it’s either a guys trip or a trip with a woman ..June 7, 2017 at 1:10 pm #632523
It appears I lost another one. It hurts so much. I just don’t know why I am not interesting enough to hold a man’s attention.June 7, 2017 at 1:14 pm #632525
I feel like such an idiot. I should have just ignored his text. Instead, I told him to “have fun and I look forward to his return.” I basically just told him to have fun on vacation with another woman. A woman he felt was better to travel with than me!June 7, 2017 at 1:17 pm #632529
Deena, I want you to stop what you’re doing right now and say this out loud to yourself:
“I don’t cause a man to lose interest in me or act unkindly to me ever. I’m not that powerful. People do things for their own selfish reasons. I am worthy and valid. I was BORN worthy and valid. I am whole and complete with myself.”June 7, 2017 at 1:19 pm #632530
We don’t know for sure he’s with another woman!! I was just telling you that would be my thought on this. And I’m with Lane. I knew my relationship with my now husband was progressing when he went from disappearing after certain times at night and on the weekends before we became official to letting me know where he was, what he was doing, who he was with and checking in with me before he made plans.June 7, 2017 at 1:42 pm #632543
Lane is right-casual is on thing but after 4 months you/he should know if things will progress to more or not. My guy of two months has made it clear I am his girlfriend/partner and gives me a running commentary of what he is up to,like Lane says-no doubt how tuned in/interested he is. If you have to ask,the answer is usually in the negative.June 7, 2017 at 1:43 pm #632545
One thing,not on thingJune 7, 2017 at 1:57 pm #632552
T from NY
For all we know he might not be going anywhere. He might be telling you hes leaving to either:
–Date someone else over the weekend and take time to decide if he wants to pursue you or her
–Hes trying to get some time to himself to decide what he wants to do
Men are not stupid. They understand that when they are dating a woman for this amount of time that she begins to wonder where its going.
I agree with your assessment to step WAY back. I would not text him again even if the weekend passes and you don’t hear from him. But please note – although this seems like a bad sign (and it very well may be) my last relationship was very healthy and I loved every minute of it for 2 years. During one of my ex’s most difficult rotations – he pulled back and was acting wonky – then a few days later he called me up and scheduled 10 weeks worth of dates!! We synced our calendars and everything! He told me had taken the time over the weekend to decide what he wanted to make a priority in his schedule.
Bottom line — you will know soon enough where you stand with this guy. Either by him fading or him communicating he misses you. IF he does get into contact with you next week – and you two start going on dates again you may eventually have to bring up the talk so you don’t waste your time. BUT one step at a time. Right now – just do you. And REMEMBER of course that your worth is NOT determined by any man.June 7, 2017 at 2:07 pm #632556
If you pretend everything was ok when it wasn’t, he won’t treat you the right way. Just tell him you don’t like this last minute notice, if he wants to date you, you would appreciate he let you know his vacation plan early. Otherwise you don’t want to date him. And make sure you do what you say.June 7, 2017 at 2:10 pm #632558
I had already decided I was done pursuing him a few days ago when things got “weird” so I won’t be contacting him. If he is at all still interested in me, he will contact ME.
I almost wish he wouldn’t have said anything to me at all. He could have just not contacted me until he got back or felt like it. I was not chasing him. It feels worse that he told me he was leaving for a couple of days but not giving any details or where or with who. Now, I am left to fill in the blanks and it isn’t going to be with happy thoughts. I think what he did is more cruel than if he had not said anything.
I do tend to think the worst of things but I don’t want to be taken for granted or disrespected either.June 7, 2017 at 2:17 pm #632562
I’m sorry but if you’re casual, you’re casual. I’ve had this before and it’s seriously annoying. Someone agrees to be casual, but when you act casual, they get upset!
Don’t agree to it if it isn’t what you want.June 7, 2017 at 2:23 pm #632564
Well, I said we’re “casual” because we aren’t exclusive or have labels. I don’t want to be casual if this is what it entails. I don’t think mentioning in one of our many conversations that he has a trip planned is that difficult to do whether casual or not. I have mere acquaintances that mention travel plans in passing conversation.June 7, 2017 at 2:49 pm #632572
Was I wrong to respond? Should I have ignored his text?