Don't know how to react.

Deena, you reply was totally ok. He may or may not be going away. But he does not want you to contact him in the next couple of days. If he had been less interested in the past 2-3 weeks chances are he met someone else or interested in someone else.

You could have said you are surprised to hear about his vacation, but still wished him a good trip. Do not hide your feelings. It was very normal of you to get surprised and he needs to know that you are not buying his BS.

With that said it is best if you move on from his guy. He started being flakey, nothing good will come out of it. He may be keeping you as an option if things don’t work out with someone else. This is so typical these day it is sad.

I suggest not to keep things casual for 4 months. Talk to a guy on the 2nd date about his intentions. If you don’t agree on exclusivity do not have sex.

Okay. Thank you all for your input. I messed up. I gave him all my power. I didn’t speak up when I should have and he has clearly lost interest in me.

I will not speak to him anymore. I feel like the biggest loser on Earth. Why oh why did I think a nice guy like him would stay interested in me when there are so many better looking, smarter, sexier women for him to choose from? Here I am sitting alone and sad while he is vacationing with another woman. I wish it was me but I wasn’t good enough for him.

Deena, STOP right now! You have no idea why he left, with whom, if it is a genuine trip or he is ghosting. All you are doing now is create scenarios and your mind is playing tricks on you. Go out, take a walk, breathe some fresh air, do something you enjoy. You will know soon enough which way it is, but why worry before something happens?

If it makes any difference, what I read is that he is going through a stressful time which caused him to act differently for the past few days. And I think he might have decided on a whim to leave for a while to clear his head.
And it was nice of him to let you know so you won’t be left wondering why he doesn’t call.

Remember, you ONLY know that for a few days he was quieter and he left for am unexpected vacation. The rest is speculations and stories your mind and insecurities made up.

Take a break, relax and wait for things to develop

Deena don’t go there. Whatever the situation is, you can handle it. We’ve all been there.

I’ve gone through stressful periods in life where I took a spontaneous weekend trip to be away, so it’s not impossible he just needs distance to get some perspective. Respect that, because regardless you can’t change or predict what is going through that man’s head. I would say after four months though, don’t feel he is judging you, but turn the lens back on this guy…..you are getting to watch him go through a stressful time, and assuming he is telling you the truth on that, you get to see how he handles stress. Can he open up and lean a little on a girl friend or others, is he doing that with you? Observe him. Don’t make this all about him judging about whether you’re good girlfriend material, but about you observing and checking this guy out to see if YOU think HE’S good for you in the long run. Because I can tell you this, a guy who continually distances himself during periods of stress, someone who can’t reach out to you, may not be a great boyfriend to have. I’ve found that these kind of boyfriend’s arn’t so great in being there for YOU when you hit the bumps along the road. So just observe, don’t lose your cool (too much!) and know that whatever this is, and whatever comes, you can handle it.

Deena, even if you did hold your ground on this guy (meaning not relying on him to be happy or clarity in the relationship) and truly just enjoying the dating process. Men will still do things early on in the dating, it has NOTHING to do with the woman. It doesn’t matter how attractive a woman is or anything, if the man or anyone is compelled or feels like doing something they will regardless of how great their partner is. Plenty of men date amazing women yet they continue to date and not settle down, why? Uh who knows. Some find love and and keep her, some just settle and some men really aren’t really worth a care. You lived and learned right? brush your shoulder off and get back out there :-)

Taking the time to write that you invested emotionally too much before you should have. Make them earn and show they deserve it first. Respect yourself first.

I apologize for the language but that it the impression I am getting he feels about me. Is it not okay to become emotionally invested in someone after 4 months? I admit I am not very good at expressing my wants and needs. That is a big flaw of mine and probably gets me hurt in the long run like now.

I just don’t know what changed. His texts lately have been different and doesn’t leave me room to really have a conversation. He doesn’t seem interested in talking at length with me yet he still reaches out. WHY? He is intelligent and I thought he would be mature enough to tell me if his feelings/interest in me changed. He is a professional in his forties so he is not a young, inexperienced man. He has been divorced for over 5 years.

I know I am just kidding myself. If I had any confidence in him liking me, I wouldn’t be here asking for advice. Why did he even text me about his vacation? To cause me anxiety? Well, it certainly worked.

You’re absolutely right Phillygirl and pretty much everyone else on here. My self-esteem and self-image are very low indeed. I have talked to a therapist but he didn’t help me much and I ran out of money so I had to stop going. I am hoping to go to someone new soon.

I do tend to base my self-worth on a man’s attention. I know it is not a healthy mindset but I can’t seem to do things differently.

I really liked this guy and I probably pushed him away with my insecurities. Not intentionally but nevertheless, I felt him starting to withdraw and I began to panic. It is my biggest fear. I think I turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hate myself for pushing him away. I can’t seem to allow myself to he happy. I make people lose interest in me somehow. I am so tired of liking people and watching them leave me for someone better. I wanted more time with this guy.

There are many unknowns in the situation. You need to make your own plans this weekend and not be “available ” if he calls you to make plans at the last minute. When he contacts you (do not contact him in any way) welcome him back and say I hope you had a great time! And that’s it- let him lead the way to make plans in the future- you are not available for a last minute meetup. Then you are more in control of the relationship

Stop asking if you’re good enough for a man and start asking if a man is good enough for you. You don’t date to prove yourself to a man, but to allow him an opportunity to prove himself to you. And if he’s not, then you walk away. Easy as that. PS. the sex too early whore story is a load of crap. I slept with my boyfriend before our first date and we’re incredibly happy together, living together, building a life together. After we had sex though, I didn’t change my way of thinking. I allowed him to prove himself to me, and he exceeded my expectations.

Honestly, I don’t think you are really hearing anything we’ve told you.

You are continuing the negative and insecure self talk and doubt. You mind is in a toxic place, which means you have a completely broken foundation to try and build any relationship on. The only relationship you should focus on right now is the one with yourself. You have to love you, before anyone else can. Because even if someone sees the beauty in who you are, and I’m sure they do, your toxic attitudes and self loathing will turn them off- before anything can take off.

That is your problem – not that you aren’t good enough or worthy and deserving of love, but that YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE.

This situation is a blessing in disguise…if it gets you to do some self-examination that leads to fixing your broken mindsets.

You are not in a place to be dating right now. Anyone. If he comes back, it won’t matter, because it won’t work as long as you continue to view yourself through these dark murky lenses of low self-worth.

Again, I agree with others that he’s fading out. And yes, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when we don’t value ourselves.

I’ve dated a few insecure guys, and I can assure you….NEVER AGAIN. They took all the joy and spontaneity out of the relationship, and made me feel like I could never reassure them enough. It was EXHAUSTING. It also leads to deeper and bigger problems.

I will never date another insecure man. Yes, we all have insecurities and that is normal. But that is very different from BEING an insecure person. I hope you take all the advice to heart and take a break from dating to work on you.

You can not do the hard work, soul searching, and have the honest inner dialogues to get to the root (and fix) your issues, as long as you are outwardly focused on a relationship with someone else.

The relationship that is broken is your relationship with you.

I know you are sad, and I’m really sorry. But you are the one torturing and demeaning yourself. No one else. Stop the self pity and put downs. Nothing about that is helpful or leads to positive outcomes.

Sweetie, you aren’t bothering us. And we aren’t telling you not to reach out. Just please stop the self flagellation.