Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Don't know how to react.
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No, of course not. Do not play games or ignore people. You responded perfectly. How you responded will have no bearing in whether or not he wants to go out again after he comes back. There is no secret formula to keeping a man’s interest…either he is or he isn’t.
Deena, you reply was totally ok. He may or may not be going away. But he does not want you to contact him in the next couple of days. If he had been less interested in the past 2-3 weeks chances are he met someone else or interested in someone else.
You could have said you are surprised to hear about his vacation, but still wished him a good trip. Do not hide your feelings. It was very normal of you to get surprised and he needs to know that you are not buying his BS.
With that said it is best if you move on from his guy. He started being flakey, nothing good will come out of it. He may be keeping you as an option if things don’t work out with someone else. This is so typical these day it is sad.
I suggest not to keep things casual for 4 months. Talk to a guy on the 2nd date about his intentions. If you don’t agree on exclusivity do not have sex.
Deena, just because a man takes you out doesn’t mean he’s obligated to get into a relationship with you!
You have just as much say in the dating process, whereas if a man is not progressing in the way a man wanting a true relationship should then you walk away! We all have CHOICES and if you give all the power to someone else you’ll continually end up in these situations.
Early dating is CASUAL because your getting to know each other and if you have that special something other ladies he meets he will NATURALLY want to progress with you. Additionally, you need to let the man know UPFRONT what you are dating for, if its a relationship then tell him, such as “Just so you know I’m not interested in a FWB but seeking my partner in crime and if you aren’t looking for the same then its best we part ways now.” This way YOU lay the conditions down and reject those who are not looking for the same so you don’t stay stuck with men who aren’t on the same page as you.
Now even if a man is looking for a relationship, it doesn’t mean it will be with you, where if you don’t see progress after a couple months then you tell him “I doesn’t feel like we’re moving towards a relationship, I like you and will continue to date you only if you are, if not, then its best we part ways.” By taking CONTROL of your dating life, YOU get to decide if a man is worthy of your time or not.
Okay. Thank you all for your input. I messed up. I gave him all my power. I didn’t speak up when I should have and he has clearly lost interest in me.
I will not speak to him anymore. I feel like the biggest loser on Earth. Why oh why did I think a nice guy like him would stay interested in me when there are so many better looking, smarter, sexier women for him to choose from? Here I am sitting alone and sad while he is vacationing with another woman. I wish it was me but I wasn’t good enough for him.
Deena, STOP right now! You have no idea why he left, with whom, if it is a genuine trip or he is ghosting. All you are doing now is create scenarios and your mind is playing tricks on you. Go out, take a walk, breathe some fresh air, do something you enjoy. You will know soon enough which way it is, but why worry before something happens?
If it makes any difference, what I read is that he is going through a stressful time which caused him to act differently for the past few days. And I think he might have decided on a whim to leave for a while to clear his head.
And it was nice of him to let you know so you won’t be left wondering why he doesn’t call.
Remember, you ONLY know that for a few days he was quieter and he left for am unexpected vacation. The rest is speculations and stories your mind and insecurities made up.
Take a break, relax and wait for things to develop
You are all wound up.
Casual dating means no expectations….yet, he hurt your expectations…therefore, do not kid yourself…for you this was not casual.
You are putting your value…and to boot in comparison to a phantom woman…on trial here.
I do not understand how you got yourself mentally in this pickle. A man, any man, does not determine your value. Ever.
No one knows what he is doing or why. My question to you is do you know this man well enough to answer that question fully confident? If not then you do not know this man well enough and have no idea what he is doing or thinking.
At this stage you should have some good idea what is going on with him. Since you do not then either he is not forthcoming or you are not asking questions and getting to know him.
And that is the real issue here.
Deena don’t go there. Whatever the situation is, you can handle it. We’ve all been there.
I’ve gone through stressful periods in life where I took a spontaneous weekend trip to be away, so it’s not impossible he just needs distance to get some perspective. Respect that, because regardless you can’t change or predict what is going through that man’s head. I would say after four months though, don’t feel he is judging you, but turn the lens back on this guy…..you are getting to watch him go through a stressful time, and assuming he is telling you the truth on that, you get to see how he handles stress. Can he open up and lean a little on a girl friend or others, is he doing that with you? Observe him. Don’t make this all about him judging about whether you’re good girlfriend material, but about you observing and checking this guy out to see if YOU think HE’S good for you in the long run. Because I can tell you this, a guy who continually distances himself during periods of stress, someone who can’t reach out to you, may not be a great boyfriend to have. I’ve found that these kind of boyfriend’s arn’t so great in being there for YOU when you hit the bumps along the road. So just observe, don’t lose your cool (too much!) and know that whatever this is, and whatever comes, you can handle it.
I know I went to a very dark place in my mind. It is true that I don’t know what he is thinking or doing right now and that is my mistake. I have not respected myself enough to ask questions and relay my needs to him from the beginning. I never told him my expectations of what I wanted and maybe that is partly because I am not sure what I want. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to be a FWB or booty call. Sadly, that is what I think I turned into with him.
Granted, he has never discussed his expectations with me, either, but why would he if I have been acting complacent with the situation for fear of losing him. I think he has gotten weird lately because I am starting to feel like I should have clarity on what we are. Although I haven’t come out and said it, I feel it is coming across in my energy and communications.
I made a lot of mistakes here and I admit that. I probably slept with him way too soon and that tarnished me. He only sees me as a whore now and that is why he will never give me a chance to be a girlfriend. I imagine he has found a reputable woman and has taken her on a short vacation. Why else wouldn’t he tell me any details about his trip?
I have felt a significant shift in things over the last week and I don’t think I will ever hear from him again. Part of me is basing that on my insecurities and the other part is from the comments I have read on here.
Deena, even if you did hold your ground on this guy (meaning not relying on him to be happy or clarity in the relationship) and truly just enjoying the dating process. Men will still do things early on in the dating, it has NOTHING to do with the woman. It doesn’t matter how attractive a woman is or anything, if the man or anyone is compelled or feels like doing something they will regardless of how great their partner is. Plenty of men date amazing women yet they continue to date and not settle down, why? Uh who knows. Some find love and and keep her, some just settle and some men really aren’t really worth a care. You lived and learned right? brush your shoulder off and get back out there :-)
Let me refrain a bit, Us woman need to keep our value so we aren’t relying on a man for happiness, it does impact how a man is towards us. It’s up to us on how we are towards men. If we put up with whatever it is they are doing then they will keep up. IF a woman has standards and knows what she wants or even if she doesn’t know what she wants she still has her self-love. SHe doesn’t put up with certain things and is not afraid to let that be known.
Taking the time to write that you invested emotionally too much before you should have. Make them earn and show they deserve it first. Respect yourself first.
Watch your language Deena. Having sex too early with a guy doesn’t make you a “whore” or “ruined”. Dear God. You’re being much too negative.
I apologize for the language but that it the impression I am getting he feels about me. Is it not okay to become emotionally invested in someone after 4 months? I admit I am not very good at expressing my wants and needs. That is a big flaw of mine and probably gets me hurt in the long run like now.
I just don’t know what changed. His texts lately have been different and doesn’t leave me room to really have a conversation. He doesn’t seem interested in talking at length with me yet he still reaches out. WHY? He is intelligent and I thought he would be mature enough to tell me if his feelings/interest in me changed. He is a professional in his forties so he is not a young, inexperienced man. He has been divorced for over 5 years.
I know I am just kidding myself. If I had any confidence in him liking me, I wouldn’t be here asking for advice. Why did he even text me about his vacation? To cause me anxiety? Well, it certainly worked.
@Deena. STOP IT! I want to shake you for the way you are victimizing yourself here. Stop putting yourself down RIGHT NOW!
It seems you had self esteem issues before you dated this guy, and THAT is the REAL issue here.
I say that not to belittle you, but to get you to take a step back.
How does a confident woman date? I’ll tell you. She looks at it as an opportunity to meet new people and expand her horizons, KNOWING she is a prize worthy of a good man, and that she will not spend her time with anyone who treats her as less.
Not everyone is a match. Re-read what Lane said. Dating is about getting to know someone, you should be somewhat detachedly observing the guy to see if he is a good match for you. Don’t invest in a guy until he invests in you. Either date several men so you don’t get too attached to any of them (until they earn your undivided attention), or keep busy with friends and your own hobbies, activities and interests. In fact, do both at the same time. Create a life so full and overflowing with people you love (friends/family) and activities you enjoy and are passionate about. A man should never be your sole focus. They should be the dessert on an already great meal. NOT the main course.
Stop acting like a guy is doing you a favor by dating you! That victim talk and mentality makes me furious. Furious because you are special and unique and there is NO ONE else who is just like you. That makes you precious. So start believing it, or speak to someone so you can understand your negative mind set and get rid of it.
If anything, I’d think your insecurity and negativity would be the first things to drive a guy away. And yes, they can sense it, even when you don’t say it.
I think you need to take a break and work on your faulty self image assumptions, and learn how to like, and love yourself, so self respect becomes second nature.
The image you project about your self worth is a lie that you have on rewind and repeat. One that is built on nonsense and a negative sense of self worth.
I say this in earnest, you can’t date successfully until you gain the self confidence to believe you have value and worth that is never determined by anyone else. Until you like who you are, and can be happy single, you will never be happy with any guy. You will be anxious, insecure, nervous, and filled with self doubt. All based on the lie you keep repeating in your mind about who and what you really are.
All the negative self talk needs to disappear, completely.
You’re absolutely right Phillygirl and pretty much everyone else on here. My self-esteem and self-image are very low indeed. I have talked to a therapist but he didn’t help me much and I ran out of money so I had to stop going. I am hoping to go to someone new soon.
I do tend to base my self-worth on a man’s attention. I know it is not a healthy mindset but I can’t seem to do things differently.
I really liked this guy and I probably pushed him away with my insecurities. Not intentionally but nevertheless, I felt him starting to withdraw and I began to panic. It is my biggest fear. I think I turned it into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hate myself for pushing him away. I can’t seem to allow myself to he happy. I make people lose interest in me somehow. I am so tired of liking people and watching them leave me for someone better. I wanted more time with this guy.
He is supposed to return today from his “vacation.” I am full of anxiety whether I will hear anything from him or if he is truly ghosting me. I am not going to contact him but, of course, I haven’t heard from him while he has supposedly gone on his mysterious trip.
I feel so stupid for letting things get to this point. I always ruin everything. I am not allowed to be happy.
Is there anything I can do to fix this situation? Is he definitely gone for good? : (
There are many unknowns in the situation. You need to make your own plans this weekend and not be “available ” if he calls you to make plans at the last minute. When he contacts you (do not contact him in any way) welcome him back and say I hope you had a great time! And that’s it- let him lead the way to make plans in the future- you are not available for a last minute meetup. Then you are more in control of the relationship
The fact that you received a text instead of a phone call should be highly offensive to you. What a chicken! That is rude and cold. He has already blown it with you. I hope you don’t give him another chance, letting him think he can treat you this way.
Stop asking if you’re good enough for a man and start asking if a man is good enough for you. You don’t date to prove yourself to a man, but to allow him an opportunity to prove himself to you. And if he’s not, then you walk away. Easy as that. PS. the sex too early whore story is a load of crap. I slept with my boyfriend before our first date and we’re incredibly happy together, living together, building a life together. After we had sex though, I didn’t change my way of thinking. I allowed him to prove himself to me, and he exceeded my expectations.
I have managed to make myself physically sick over this. Things like this just damage my feelings of self-worth and self-esteem even more. How am I not supposed to think I am worth anything if a man likes me one minute and then just stops? If I was a different person, he may still be talking to me.
Honestly, I don’t think you are really hearing anything we’ve told you.
You are continuing the negative and insecure self talk and doubt. You mind is in a toxic place, which means you have a completely broken foundation to try and build any relationship on. The only relationship you should focus on right now is the one with yourself. You have to love you, before anyone else can. Because even if someone sees the beauty in who you are, and I’m sure they do, your toxic attitudes and self loathing will turn them off- before anything can take off.
That is your problem – not that you aren’t good enough or worthy and deserving of love, but that YOU DON’T BELIEVE THAT IS TRUE.
This situation is a blessing in disguise…if it gets you to do some self-examination that leads to fixing your broken mindsets.
You are not in a place to be dating right now. Anyone. If he comes back, it won’t matter, because it won’t work as long as you continue to view yourself through these dark murky lenses of low self-worth.
Again, I agree with others that he’s fading out. And yes, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy when we don’t value ourselves.
I’ve dated a few insecure guys, and I can assure you….NEVER AGAIN. They took all the joy and spontaneity out of the relationship, and made me feel like I could never reassure them enough. It was EXHAUSTING. It also leads to deeper and bigger problems.
I will never date another insecure man. Yes, we all have insecurities and that is normal. But that is very different from BEING an insecure person. I hope you take all the advice to heart and take a break from dating to work on you.
You can not do the hard work, soul searching, and have the honest inner dialogues to get to the root (and fix) your issues, as long as you are outwardly focused on a relationship with someone else.
The relationship that is broken is your relationship with you.
I know you are sad, and I’m really sorry. But you are the one torturing and demeaning yourself. No one else. Stop the self pity and put downs. Nothing about that is helpful or leads to positive outcomes.
I am sorry to keep coming on here and bothering you all. I really do appreciate all your help and responses.
Sweetie, you aren’t bothering us. And we aren’t telling you not to reach out. Just please stop the self flagellation.
I will try my best to stop thinking so negatively about myself.
Do you think there is any chance I will hear from him again?