Don't know how to react.


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  • #634985 Reply

    Deena

    It has been a week since I heard from him. He has never gone this long without contacting me. I responded on Sunday to something we were texting about last Saturday. Nothing from him so I texted him Wednesday evening just saying I hope he is doing okay. Nothing from him at all. I want to send one more text just telling him how disappointed I am that he chose this way to walk away but have not done it yet. The thought of me havjng three texts in a row unresponsed to makes me cringe . Maybe I should call him instead. I was hoping that maybe not hearing from me would be his interest but who am I kidding, right?

    How does one not take this personally? I am trying so hard not to think about it but I am absolutely gutted.

    FYI – I am searching for a new therapist.

    #634994 Reply

    Newbie

    You got 4 pages of advice and im sure 70% will be solid and good to take to heart. Most are saying to leave this man alone. Its ok if a man doesnt want you. Its his choice. Ask yourself how much fun it is to wait for this guy to respond. No fun at all. Delete his number. And focus on other things. Life can be hard but you can always make the best of it. A man cant do this for you

    #634995 Reply

    Prairiegirl

    Deena,

    I just read your post. Honey you are killing yourself inside. You are destroying every ounce of self-respect you have. Your femininity is being smashed to smithereens by your actions towards this man who clearly does not care for you.

    Please do not contact him any more. Every time you do, every thing he does to show his disrespect to you, is gutting you even further.

    Obviously your therapist was not helping you if you are looking for another one. I hope and pray that you will find the right one for helping to guide you along.

    God bless
    Xo

    #635361 Reply

    Deena

    I feel I am being even more weak and disrespecting myself by NOT calling him out on his sh&tty treatment of me. I feel by my not saying anything, I am telling him it is okay to ignore me and will just silently crawl away. Which is what he obviously wants. No confrontation or having to justify his actions.

    #635366 Reply

    Prairiegirl

    Deena,

    Do you actually think he cares whether or not you scold him for ignoring you? Many times guys like this are really glad that they hurt you. They actually like the attention when the woman they treated badly continues to contact them. It inflates their ego and gives them something to talk about to their friends.

    Why do you need him to justify his actions? He never will. Say nothing and never contact him again. That will show you have some self respect left.

    You really need to get this guy out of your mind and your life!

    #635393 Reply

    Deena

    Maybe it is tough love but I feel like I am just being kicked when I am already down. I admit that maybe I am not as strong as a lot of you on here so I am having a hard time with this. I am sure if any of you have ever suffered heartbreak, you know it is hard to just shrug it off.

    I know it is my fault for putting my personal life on this forum for strangers to comment on but since we are mostly women here, I was hoping what I am going through would be understood a bit better.

    I know I am annoying and I am sorry I have not been able to let him go. At least I haven’t contacted him since last Wednesday.

    #635474 Reply

    Prairiegirl

    It was good that you did seek help here Many if us if not almost all have been through similar situations like you. Honestly your situation is quite common. We’re trying to help you through this, to have you see that you are prolonging your suffering by your actions and thoughts about this man.

    If you feel you really must let him know how much he caused you pain, that he did you wrong, then do it. Let us know how it goes.

    #635484 Reply

    Newbie

    Hi deena,
    No this is not exactly the Lets cry a river kind of forum. Of course we understand heartbreak but most of us know that you will recover. And get better. And for that to happen you need to focus on you.
    There are a few women here that are still stuck. Every few months they come back and are still aching for guys that were big time losers. My heart breaks every time they show up again. In stead of healing and loving yourself they are getting depressed thinking they were not good enough. Me and most dont want that to happen to women. We want them to pick up themselves, do new things, start hobbies etc and slowly realize they dont need a man to be happy. And then im a lot of cases a man shows up. Take care

    #635508 Reply

    Love

    Deena,

    No one is giving you this tough love advice because we’re stronger. We’re giving you our honest opinion because most of us have been in your very shoes. More than once. I’ve also experienced a tough depression. I have also experienced the desperation of sending a guy who didn’t care multiple messages in anger and confusion. Many of us speak not from a pedestal, but from experience….that’s why we’re giving this advice. We learned the HARD way.

    If you want to learn the hard way and dig yourself into a deeper hole. Go ahead. Nothing stopping you. Go ahead and call. See where it gets you. Nothing good can come from you continually bleeding yourself dry over this guy. Stop it.

    Just know that several of us have been in that situation, and know that it only makes things worse. You cannot control how others think and feel. Some people don’t have the capacity to deal with what you have to offer. And usually it has NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It’s NOT PERSONAL. But you’ve put this guy on a pedestal and grossly overestimated his capacity to care or understand. You’ve made this very personal and an indication of your worth as a person.

    Who taught you to do this? Before you met this guy, someone taught you to love this way. This goes beyond this guy, and that’s why it’s great you’re getting some help with a therapist. Keep at it.

    #635522 Reply

    Newbie

    ‘Love’ i loved your last post. :’so true

    #635528 Reply

    Cindy

    Hi Deena.

    First I want to say I understand how you are feeling. Many of us are only speaking from experience and we had wish that we didn’t do the same and are trying to prevent you from further embarrassing yourself and degrading yourself in this man’s eyes like we all once did. I’ve been in your position and I wish knew then what I know now. I’ve stripped myself of dignity and self-respect trying to get a man to care about my feelings, I’ve sent texts and emails and calls multiple times, only to have them all ignored and finally blocked. Imagine how even more soul gutting this is. Trust me, if you think this is a bad feeling now, imagine how you will be feeling once you give into the temptations of messaging or calling him again only to have them continue to be ignored and/or possibly blocked.

    We live in an age where men simply DON’T want the confrontation of telling you they don’t want you anymore. This is a common thing that has happened to so many of us. They just fade. No amount of begging or messaging or emotions are going to change how they feel or give us the answer we so desperately want to know and understand.

    When men know you are desperate for their attention, they’re going to play this game even more. They love the attention they get. They love their ego being stroked by not responding and continuing to make you feel bad inside. Trust me, honey, you are worth so much more. Do not take someones rejection of you personal. They simply weren’t good enough for YOU. Don’t reflect, don’t sulk, just choose better men. It’s not you.

    #635554 Reply

    Deena

    I know you all speak from experience and are trying to help. I was feeling especially low today and when I was reading the comments saying he doesn’t care about me anymore so let him go, it just hurt hearing it said so much. I know it is true, though.

    I am torn between telling him how I feel about his cowardly actions (not that he cares) or staying silent. I just feel if I don’t say anything, he is just happy as a clam that I laid down and let him crap on me. But I don’t want to be ignored again either. At this point, I am not expecting to hear from him again anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter what I do.

    I really do appreciate you all.

    #635654 Reply

    Newbie

    I think he will contact you again at some point. But i dont think he will step up. I believe that if you want to say something you go ahead and say it. But do it in a classy way. But wven of you are embarrashing yourself to him, who cares? It doesnt mean you will do it to the next person you like. You cared about him, thats human behaviour.
    In this case you have to remember that he never promised you anything to dont go in the ‘im hurt’ mode.
    Say you can tell by his actions he doesnt see a long term relationship with you and you are sorry because you would have liked to get to know him better. Wish him well. The goal is not to want a response but saying goodbye. Are you ready for that? Because otherwise there is no point in sending hik a closure text. Then block his number and think: too bad bit i deserve better

    #635672 Reply

    Pandora

    Deena, what if he doesnt pick up the phone, if you try to call him? if you contact him and you cant even say, what you wanted to say, then it will be more humiliating…

    dont contact him
    these kind of losers tend to come back anyway

    #635674 Reply

    Love

    It does matter what you do. Not because he won’t contact you so it doesn’t matter, not because he is not watching, but because YOU are watching.

    Do you know that when I went through something similar years ago that when I think about it now, even to this day, I still CRINGE at my behaviour. Not because of what he thinks, because he saw me behave this way, but because I saw me behave this way. This isn’t about keeping your dignity in HIS eyes, it’s about keeping your dignity in YOUR own eyes. This guy is nothing….guarantee in a year you’ll shake your head and wonder what all the fuss was about. But you’ll remember yourself. It’s yourself that you have to live with…and right now you’ve admitted you’re not dealing from a position of strength.

    #635695 Reply

    Deena

    Tough day today but I still haven’t reached out to him. In the past, I would have several times and felt terrible about it. Unless I got a response, then it felt good but it was brief. Matters of the heart, no matter how serious or the relationship, are like a drug addiction when they end. I am going through withdrawal.

    You’re right. We weren’t exclusive or official and he doesn’t owe me anything but 5 months was enough time for me to like him and seemed as if he liked me. I did want to get to know him more but I guess he didn’t want to do the same. We got along good I thought. Oh well.

    I am a bit afraid to say anything to him because what if he does respond but with something I don’t want to hear. That is what is preventing me from doing it. I may get to the point where I just say my peace (maturely) and immediately block him. That way, even if he responds, I won’t know.

    They say silence speaks volumes. His does, but does mine?

    #635701 Reply

    L

    This thread is lasting longer than the relationship.

    #635704 Reply

    Deena

    Then you can do what he did and “disappear…”

    #635708 Reply

    Elena

    Why is everyone so afraid to just ask what is happening? Casual or not, after 4 months, what is wrong with sending a text and saying your are sensing that he either needs space or something that’s come up and you would like to talk about it if he’s up for it. If he doesn’t respond, closure. If he does and says it’s over, closure. There is your power

    #635753 Reply

    Deena

    Okay, so if I break down and send something to him. These are one of the two I thought of sending.

    1) It seems you felt it would be better to just disappear instead of talking to me about whatever is going on.

    I am disappointed that you think so little of me — even after the many conversations and intimate times we had.

    Despite your not wanting to talk to me anymore, I hope nothing bad has happened and you and your family are well.

    OR

    2) I haven’t heard from you in a while and I am a little concerned. I figured I would ask and hope you respond before I start calling hospitals and police stations. Are you okay?

    Thoughts? I know I am spending way too much headspace on him but I feel I need to know.

    #635757 Reply

    Jane

    Sounds great if you were 14 years old. You are seriously not going to let this go are you? How about sending a text asking when you can meet up again. The line about calling hospitals and police is really over the top. What I want to know is this. How much better are you going to feel when he simply confirms he isn’t wanting to date you any longer? Because that is what he is already telling you through his lack of contact and you can’t handle it.

    #635761 Reply

    L

    Let’s Look at it this way…. why do you think HE isn’t the one sending a message to YOU asking if you are safe, saying he is worried or on edge about calling the hospitals and police? Now do you still want to send that message?

    #635767 Reply

    Deena

    The part about hospitals and police stations was meant as a joke.

    I get it. I am stupid and naive for not seeing or wanting to admit he doesn’t like me. For some reason, he decided he could do better. Apparently, he was right in thinking that.

    I won’t send anything.

    #635785 Reply

    Newbie

    Good that youre not sending that because the last thing you want is sounding depresing or motherly concerned. If youre not ready to walk away and get stuck with this guy be either:
    1. Upbeat. Like: i went to the museum today and this painting bla bla. Some happy thing you did today that shows ypu are living your life and not whallowing around
    2 be honest. Tell him you caught feelings for him and that you now realize its not mutual but that its hard for you to say good bye to him without knowing what happened on his side. So you can move on

    #635789 Reply

    Deena

    Thanks, Newbie. I like your suggestions. I think I will just let him win and not say anything. I am too defeated at this point to deal with the truth (which is he found someone else) or just be ignored altogether. I will run away with my tail between my legs and leave him be.

    I have still been going out with friends and talking to other men but my heart just isn’t in it. I need a break.

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