I have been talking to this guy for about a month (I’m almost 21 and he’s almost 29). I can usually tell when a guy really likes me because he’ll basically suffocate me, but this guy is the extreme opposite. He “says” he wants a relationship with me, but thinks he is wasting his time because “it’s not mutual.” I just cant tell if he is sincere.
I admit I have been playing mind games (waiting a long time between texting him back, waiting for him to contact me first, not talking much about my feelings because I don’t want to come off too easy, etc.)
I want to be a challenge, but I also want to show him I’m interested. How can I tell if what this guy tells me is legit or if he is just wasting my time?
It sounds like you have some relationship experience and know how to push some buttons as well. And… it sounds like this guy (with 8 years more experience) probably has more experience than you.
I mean, if you think about it logically, the guy seems to be playing his cards right. I admit that guys aren’t always as good as girls when it comes to picking up on what’s happening in a relationship, but if he happens to be somewhat perceptive he is picking up on some level that you’re playing mind games with him.
The question you have to ask yourself is what your motivation is for playing the mind games? I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, but it’s going to help you if you can recognize the motivation behind your actions.
Is it that you’re afraid that if you make yourself available he’ll lose interest? Is it that you think if you make yourself vulnerable he’ll hurt you? You mentioned that you didn’t want to come across as “too easy”, so that’s part of the equation but there’s probably more.
If you’ve read even a portion of what I write on the site, you’ve probably seen me harp on and on about how neediness suffocates even good relationships. But let’s make a distinction: Being available does not equal neediness.
Yes, I do recommend to women to make sure they’re lives are filled with rich social connections and things to do other than obsessing about the guy they’re interested in, but that’s mainly to keep them occupied and prevent them from obsessing.
I get the feeling that you’re on the other side of the fence: You construct a barrier to keep people out so they can’t hurt you. And then you push their buttons to make sure they stay chasing you. After all, if you can get the guys chasing you then you never have to worry about being abandoned or rejected.
The problem is that living this way is lonely. Fortunately for the audience of the website I’ve bounced all over the spectrum in my dating life. And I’ve experienced what it’s like to be the guy playing the mind games, keeping the wall up and making sure the girl is always chasing, always pleasing, always calling.
It’s a lonely existence. It’s isolating and it’s tough to feel like anyone really knows you or really loves you because on some level you know that you’re manipulating them and you don’t know if they’re in love with the chase or with you for who you are.
Granted, I’m going a little deep here and who knows, maybe I’m off the mark. But I’m willing to bet that some of this speaks to you. Maybe all of it speaks to you, but regardless whether or not you see this as true about your experience what I’m about to say will probably make a lot of sense.
You have the opportunity to be with a guy that wants a relationship with you. Not with your mind games. Not with the chase. He is saying he wants a relationship in spite of all that stuff.
Now granted, it’s a little scary, but opening yourself up to the possibility of that doesn’t sound like a bad thing. You don’t strike me as typically behaving in a needy way, so just being able to relax a bit and let your guard down probably won’t hurt.
Things might turn out great… or not. But you’re an adult, you can handle a little disappointment if it doesn’t come together. It might even be good for you to have that experience if you’re used to having guys chasing and suffocating you with their own neediness.
I hope what I’m saying makes sense to you (and I why I focused on this and not on the guy). The guy said he didn’t think the feeling about a relationship was mutual. I promise you it’s because of the angle you’re coming from here – it wouldn’t hurt to take a different approach and open up a bit.
And for the record… I would bet the guy is legit, but he’s reserving himself for when you’re ready to relax and bit and let your guard down.
Hope it helps and good luck,