My boyfriend’s friendship with his ex- Is this something to worry about?

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  • #944197 Reply

    My (47F) boyfriend (41M) of 6 years has a close friendship with his ex who is married with kids. How should I deal with my insecurities surrounding their relationship?

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, both have been married with children from those marriages. We have a great relationship, families and kids all get along and have absolutely no reason to feel like there should be any cause for concern. However, I just can’t shake this feeling of uncertainly when it comes to his friendship with a group he’s known since high school- so dated way back to 20+ years ago.

    As far as I know, they all keep in touch via group chat and still have a close bond, even though they only see each other maybe once or twice a year during special occasions. Specifically, it is two couples. One couple who lives about 10 miles from me. Boyfriend lives about 60 miles from me so since he was at my place this weekend, it just happened to be during a weekend this couple planned a party for one of their kids.

    Last time my BF saw everyone was close to a year ago, for another birthday party they hosted. BF invited me and my kids and it was the first time I had ever met them. Another married couple with their kids was there and the woman happened to be my BFs ex from close to 20 years ago. I know it’s so long ago but seeing how close knit the two couples are with my BF and me feeling somewhat excluded only heightened my insecurities. I don’t think my BF even remembered a few years back when he mentioned in passing about these friends and she was an ex, now married. I remembered the names so I knew in the back of my mind they were together. She was so drunk, giddy, loud, very up close and personal talking to my BF, just catching up. Seemed innocent but the group were reminiscing about the past and made it so clear how very tight they all were.

    Forward to last night, the couple hosted another party and my BF and I went, just the two of us with the kids since we didn’t have them. Same two couples there and the ex kept talking to my BF, obviously very drunk, loud, laughing, smacking his knee, just asking him to update her on everything about work, family, their other friends, etc.

    Later on, she started talking to me and said how they go way back with my BF and they all have the closest bond, and “whatever I want to happen, just tell them and they’ll make it happen”… whatever that means. How she sees how my BF looks at me and he must really love me because she knows him so well. Again, she’s intoxicated and has only met me twice. Then starts hinting saying there is a lot of “overlap” in their relationships- her words. I asked what she meant and she said many years ago, her now husband was at some point, with my BF’s ex wife. Then she specifically mentions herself, my BF, the others… have this overlap. Without straight up saying she was with my BF. I feel like she was intentionally trying to make me aware of that makes sense? Then smiles, hugs me, laughs and says I’m sorry I know it’s weird hahaha!

    I know they all chat whether it be a group text to invite people over for an event, maybe sharing photos of the past, greeting each other on holidays, etc. and I’ve even seen just her name pop up on my boyfriends phone sending him a text. It was on New Year’s so I’m guessing it was greeting him. But I don’t know if my feelings of discomfort are valid or if I’m just driving myself crazy over this when I should be. What does everyone think?

    #944198 Reply

    You have been with him for 6 years and although the group is close they don’t hang out often.
    I didn’t see a mention of him meeting up with her one on one, everything you mentioned was group chats. Which is a good thing. I think she is just a person who gets drunk at parties and becomes obnoxious. He clear isn’t interested in her and has been open with you,even inviting you to these parties. Let it go.

    #944199 Reply

    It sounds like she’s putting you on notice she’s got a firm place in his life and isn’t going to let go. I’d be uncomfortable with her behavior as well. How long have she and your BF been divorced?

    About the best you can do is ask him how he feels about her physical contact with him when she’s drunk to open a discussion on this subject. If he’s not bothered, then there’s not a lot you can do about her and these people. It’s not likely he’ll cut them off and you’ll look like the bad guy if you try to make him do that.

    The good part is they only get together once or twice a year. If you otherwise certain he is committed to you, then grin and bear it because it’s actually not a threat to your relationship. However, if this situation makes you that uncomfortable, this may not be the right man for you.

    #944200 Reply

    Thank you. He was never married to her, they only dated briefly I’m guess close to 20 years ago. Since then, my boyfriend has married and had children, divorced from that ex-wife now for about 10 years. As far as the ex girlfriend in question, she has also married with elementary aged children and still with her husband. During the times I’ve seen her, she has been with her husband and kids.

    #944201 Reply

    Honestly, Jessie, if he was never married to her and has since had a chance to be with her and didn’t take it, he’s not interested in her romantically and she’s annoying for sure but no real threat to your relationship. If he’s otherwise a good BF and potential husband material, don’t let her spoil the good thing you have going.

    #944202 Reply

    You’ve been together for 6 years & you’re still an hour away… Why?

    #944203 Reply

    I agree with mama and with Raven. I’m assuming your distance may be related to where both your kids live, but are there aspects to your relationship with him that make you insecure that DO NOT involve other people? Like, are you feeling good about being 60 miles apart and not married after 6 years together? If the situation works for you and makes you satisfied and happy, then great, nothing wrong with that! But if not and you’re struggling with any aspects of the logistics and progression of your relationship, it may be easy to fixate on this ex than deal with the harder issues of him taking actions that make you feel insecure in the relationship. In that sense, I read this as the ex is a red herring not a threat (even though you may indeed be right that she gets territorial when drunk, but we can’t tell that without seeing her in action). There’s more likely other stuff bothering you deeper down. For example, besides the distance and marriage aspects, you still feel like an outsider in their friend group after 6 years, what has he done to make you, his very long-term partner, feel more integrated?

    #944204 Reply

    Eek so sorry, brain fart typo, Khadija not mama!

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