Ask a Guy: Is He The One? post image

Ask a Guy: Is He The One?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the last three years.  We have stable jobs, we live together, and we get along with each other’s friends and family.

We have a good relationship, but I’m at a point where I’m starting to ask myself: Is he the one?

None of us are getting any younger and I’ve been thinking about my future, being married, etc.

Nobody’s perfect and we do love each other, but how do you really know if he’s the one I’m meant to be with?

I thought about your question for a while and since this is a pretty significant question, I want to be really thorough in how I answer you…

When a woman is with a guy, it’s almost inevitable that she’ll ask herself, “Could he be the one?  Is he who I’m meant to be with?” at some point.

I’m going to tell you something that usually drives people nuts when they hear it… and I’m going to bet that I’m not the first one to tell you.

“When you meet the one, you just know…”

So let’s first talk about this “just knowing” aspect of being with the one:

What does it mean to just know you’re with the one for you?

When you’re with them, your attraction goes beyond just excitement about having a relationship.  It goes beyond just lust.  It goes beyond trying to get them or get a relationship title.

There’s a quality of your relationship and how you interact that just fits… it just feels like “home” to you.

I’ve worked with and talked with people about their relationships for over a decade now and at this point, that amounts to thousands of men and women all over the world.

So when someone tells me about their relationship, I can almost immediately tell if it’s a relationship that will work out or not…

How can I tell whether or not it’s a relationship that will work out (with stunning accuracy, mind you)?

It’s all in the way they talk about their relationship.

If they have a good relationship with someone who’s compatible with them, their question and description of their relationship is pretty short and concise.

The doomed relationships are nearly always the ones where “it’s complicated,” and the person sends me a 10 chapter novel describing it themselves.

I can always tell the super-long questions are a disaster-waiting-to-happen because the writer is desperately hoping somewhere in the mountain of description there is some glimmer of hope or a sign that the relationship could somehow work…

The sad truth is that wanting something… even wanting something really really bad… will not make it so.  Neither will worrying about it.  Neither will trying really hard to “make it work”.

This sounds sacrilegious for someone who writes about relationships to write, but:

Good relationships fit, they make sense in your life and they have an effortless quality to them.

I’m not saying that they’re perfect, that they’re always exciting, or that they don’t take work.

However, I am saying that the following qualities in a relationship are major red flags to let you know that you’re not with “the one”:

  • You don’t like yourself when you’re in the relationship.  You feel insecure around him.
  • You feel like you’re always chasing him, but never have him.
  • You feel like you need to play games in order to keep him.
  • He balks at the idea of love or being in love with you.
  • He actively avoids, shuts down or dodges any conversation about a future with him (after being with him for several months).
  • He doesn’t “get” you.
  • He won’t (or says he can’t) be in a relationship with you for some reason…

So all of those are major red flags to tell you he’s not the one.

MORE – Ask a Guy: He Says He “Doesn’t Want a Relationship”

The biggest trap that women get into that prevents them from being in a great relationship is believing that having a good relationship is difficult.

Let me explain what I mean here with a metaphor…

If I tie something to a string and dangle it in front of a cat, then keep pulling the object just out of reach, the cat will go crazy chasing this hanging object.  It will jump on furniture.  It will climb things.  It will run and run and run some more… as long as it thinks it can finally catch whatever is tied to the string.

When you finally decide to let the cat have the object, something very interesting happens: If the cat finds the object interesting (such as food or catnip), it will enjoy the object.  But if the object isn’t interesting at all (such as an inanimate mouse toy), it will paw at it for a second then walk away, completely uninterested.

Humans are very similar in this way.  Sometimes (especially when we don’t know better), we end up chasing something and are determined to have it.  Not because we think the person is even that great, but because we’re in the mode of chasing them.

Disastrous relationships have a quality of always chasing, never having. This is usually because the other person knows that what’s truly keeping you around isn’t even them… it’s your wanting of them or wanting to possess them.

People can get so caught up in “chasing the string” that they trick themselves into believing the other person must be the one.  They say to themselves, “Why would I be chasing them and trying to win them over so much if they weren’t the love of my life?”

The reality is that it’s just a common trap of human psychology.  If you feel like you’re chasing someone, it is extremely likely that they are not the one… and probably wouldn’t be a great relationship if you did manage to catch them.

Enough about signs that he’s not the one.  Let’s talk about how to know he is the one
Signs He Is The One
In relationships between truly compatible people, drama is rare

First and foremost, you are comfortable with each other.

That means a few things…

First, it means that you both communicate genuinely.  Neither of you are wearing a “mask” or putting on a persona to impress the other person.  Neither of you are afraid to be exactly the way you are… and you both totally accept each other as you are right now.

Let me say that again:  You both totally accept each other exactly as you are right now.

Not for who you or they could be or will be someday… you both accept each other right now, exactly as you are.

Communicating with each other without a mask, that means you are both communicating authentically.  If he’s truly the one, it’s highly likely that both of you share parts of yourself with each other that you don’t share with anyone else… and if that’s the case for your relationship, then it’s one great indicator that he could be the one.

In a relationship where there is authentic communication, the thought of playing games is the furthest thing from either your or his mind.  It’s not about “looking perfect” either.

MORE: Do Guys Actually Love The Chase?

The energy of your relationship has an obvious quality of you and him revealing who you truly are to one another, authentically connecting and appreciating one another as you are at every moment.
One of the Best Indicators He’s The One: You Enjoy Him
That might sound like I’m over-simplifying things here, but the truth is: Great relationships really are simple.

Relationships aren’t rocket science. The only reason anyone thinks relationships are difficult is because they’re trying to force a situation to work when it’s just not going to.

There’s nothing wrong with a relationship not being “the one”.  Think about it: you’ve met hundreds or even thousands of people in your life.  How many did you really like… as in, like enough to care whether or not you actually saw them again?

It’s only a small percentage.  And here we’re talking about the one for you – the one you want to be with as far into the future as you can imagine.

Here are some major signs that he’s the one:

  • You tell him everything.
  • You enjoy your conversations with him.
  • You enjoy your physical intimacy (kissing, touching, sex, etc.)
  • When they’re not there, you think highly of them.
  • You’re proud of them in social settings.
  • You enjoy being with them, whether you’re doing fun things or everyday routine things
  • You enjoy simply “being” with them

In short, you enjoy him and you have fun with him.  Aside from just enjoyment, you understand how he cares for you and you understand how he shows it.

MORE: Signs He’s In Love

When you’re apart, you genuinely miss having him there.  You’re constantly imagining what it would be like if he was there with you, seeing what you just saw and hearing what you just heard.  You love spending time with him.

However, great relationships are more than just a bunch of fun times and enjoyable moments together, which brings us to…

How Do You Handle Conflict As A Couple?

In general, he handles conflict and stress well… whether it is in his life or within your relationship.  I’m not saying the guy is a saint (I’m certainly not), but he has the ability to be patient and he can go with the flow when the situation really calls for it.

When you do argue, your arguing is always with purpose and both of you communicate with resolution in mind.  Even in arguments, you respect each other’s opinions and you communicate out of care and concern, not out of judgment and criticism.

It’s a definite red flag when one or both people argue with an air of disgust for the other person – sometimes this is shown in barely perceptible facial expressions, sometimes it’s extremely surface and obvious… either way, signs of disgust from your partner are a huge warning sign that your relationship is headed for a bad place soon.

Even great relationships have arguments and disagreements.  Frankly, I would be concerned if there was never an argument ever (I would be inclined to think that one or both partners are afraid to have any conflict with one another, which would suggest a lack of comfort and trust in their partner… and that’s a red flag)…

… so I’m not saying that great couples never argue.  I’m saying that when great couples argue, they do it with respect for one another and with resolution in mind.  Even in arguments, they’re still a team.

Great relationships have a quality of respect and admiration for the other person, regardless of whether or not you’re even with that person in a relationship.  You’re just plain happy that they exist in this world of ours.

When you’re with the one, you naturally appreciate and focus on each other’s good qualities.  They see the best in you and you see the best in them.

I’ve said many times before that your happiness is ultimately your responsibility.  However, in the relationship, they understand what makes you happy and you understand what truly makes them happy.

Moreover, doing what makes the other person happy is something that is natural and effortless for both of you – it’s not some chore for you and doing what makes them happy doesn’t force you to go against your own nature.

Like I said, great relationships aren’t always perfect – there are  occasional arguments, concessions to be made and things you must accept about your partner.  However, if you’re with the man you’d call the one, then at any given moment in your relationship, the good far outweighs the bad.

Men and women sometimes make the mistake of thinking that a failing relationship will improve if they commit further.  For example, I’ve seen cases where there are multiple red flags are present, but instead of the woman or man leaving the relationship, they say to themselves, “This would be better if I just committed further… then maybe they’ll change their actions, understand how I really feel about them and they’ll feel the same way…”

I’ve seen a guy propose to a girl to try and save his relationship when he felt she was slipping away (it didn’t work).  I’ve seen a girl start paying a guy’s rent and car payment when she felt he was slipping away and possibly cheating on her (he was… and continued to after his bills were being paid).

It comes down to this simple point:  Great relationships never need to be forced.  Great relationships never need games.  Great relationships never involve chasing.

At the end of the day, part of what makes people great at relationships is knowing when to walk away from a relationship that only works when you force it to work.  Like I said earlier, there is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship with an incompatible person in order to find one who fits (this is not legal advice – if you’re married or have a child… talk to your lawyer and other relevant professionals.)

Another comment on conflict and knowing if he’s the one:  He owns his own baggage.

This means that he doesn’t expect you to rescue him, he doesn’t expect you to solve his problems or being his “virtual mommy”.  He is responsible for himself and doesn’t blame you, others or the outside world for the problems and circumstances of his life.

Granted, blaming others is so rampant and socially acceptable in our culture that expecting someone to never blame others is a tall order.  The main thrust is that when it comes to what he feels is a problem in his life, whether it’s in the relationship or otherwise, he owns it and takes responsibility – he doesn’t blame you, he doesn’t make it your fault, and he doesn’t put it on you to fix it.

Being With The One Feels Like Love, Partnership, and Friendship

One major sign that you’re with the one is: He inspires you to be your best.  In your relationship with him, you feel empowered, like you can do anything.  He brings out the best in you, not the worst.

He’s with you, not against you, and you have 100% trust that he’s there to support you.  If things get messy in your life or you have a major problem, you don’t even have to question that he’s got your back.  You know he won’t leave you or condemn you.

If you really, truly need him to be there, he’ll be there… and this is either going to be true for your relationship or it’s not.  The question is: Will you be able to be honest with yourself if your instincts know that he wouldn’t be there?

There’s a lot to be said for knowing that he’s on your side.  You’d be amazed at how many times I’ve seen women with a guy who is extremely jealous or undermines her for his own selfish reasons.  If you feel this might be happening in your relationship, then that’s a serious red flag (chances are that it won’t be the only red flag though…)

I understand that passionate relationships can develop with someone you don’t necessarily trust or believe to be responsible, but when it comes to being the one, he’s going to be someone who trusts you and who you can trust.  It’s been said that trust is like glass: once you break it, even if you piece it back together it will never be the same.  Being able to trust him and be trusted by him is a huge piece to the best relationship for you.

Your Lives Line-up and “Fit”

Another major factor that tells you he’s the one is:  You have matching priorities and values (for the most part).

This means that you agree on the most fundamental things.  Sure, you might like salsa dancing and he might like… well… not dancing… but when it comes to the things that are most important to both of you, you see things the same way.

For some people, they put family above all else.  For some it’s work and aspirations.  For some it’s education, fitness, fun or traveling.

Whatever your values and priorities happen to be, the one you’re most compatible with is going to have similar values to yours.  Additionally, his values might compliment yours… one of you might want to be the family breadwinner while the other wants to be the caretaker for your future children – that’s an example of complimentary values.

Similarly, your future plans line up.  Do his plans for career, children, lifestyle, etc. line up with yours?  

If he’s dead-set on traveling the world for the rest of his life and your ultimate dream is to raise a family in a quiet suburb, then there’s going to be an expiration date on your relationship at some point.

Then there’s the more obvious indicators that he might be the one:

  • Do you have an official relationship title?
  • Do you say “I love you” to each other?
  • Does he talk about the future?
  • Does he do little loving, in-the-moment things with you (such as holding your hand when you’re walking, rubbing your back, hugging you when you’re sad, etc.)?
  • Do your friends like him?  Does he fit right into your group of friends?
  • Do your parents like him?
  • Do you like his friends?  Do you think they’re good people?

If your answer to all of the above questions was “yes!”, then that’s a very good sign.  If your answer to some of them was, “I don’t know,” then maybe you’re reading this at a point where it’s still too early to tell if he’s the one.

Bottom line:  One very strong indicator that he’s the one is that you fit in each other’s lives easily.

(Of course, that’s assuming that both your lives are reasonably stable and together.  If that’s not the case, then the first priority would be to each have your lives in order before you ask yourself if he’s the one.)

The Most Overlooked Factor: Are You Ready For The One?

If he proposed to you tomorrow, what would you say?

Stop and imagine it – being with him and only him for the rest of your life.

No more dates with other guys.  Never sharing a sexual experience with any guy other than him, ever again.

Does that make you feel relieved and excited… or does it make you feel unsure and terrified?

Sure, you might joke about baby names with each other and imagine a fairy-tale wedding, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ready for the uncomfortable, boring, or normal relationship stuff…

Part of knowing that he’s the one is checking in on how you feel about him and a future with him.

You’ll want to ask yourself:

  • How do previous boyfriends compare to him?
  • How do I feel about his faults?
  • Do I totally and completely accept him as he is now, even if he never changes?

When it comes to love and true long term success of a relationship, you really want to make sure you don’t have any lingering doubts or wishes about him.

True love and relationship-growth isn’t possible if you wish he was some other way or want him to change.  When you want someone that you love to change or be different, your love is being clouded by your own fantasy image of what you wish was reality (but is not)…

True love, true communication and true intimacy require you to… (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Is He The One?)

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Don’t forget to ask yourself, “What if he *does* change?” too! People change, and it isn’t always for the better. We had everything for the 1st 12 years, barely fought, secure in each others want & interest, great sex, great communication, all of it. Then 4 years ago it was like one day he woke up a different person. I don’t know if him getting closer to 40 was the reason, maybe a bit of a midlife crisis, or what. It’s never been the same. I know without a doubt there’s no other woman. It’s something to do with the woman he already has.

Reply December 22, 2020, 1:50 am

Tiffany Kraft

I enjoy reading what you write. You speak direct and on topic. This is good information to know and it’s not just meant for only one age group. Thank you

Reply April 28, 2020, 6:40 am


Hi Eric

I met my fiance on a month later we went on about 4 dates we met up and we clicked right away and fell in love pretty quickly.

There was some problems with his ex wife and daughter that she didn’t know me very well and met to soon so we both agreed I should stay away till his daughter got use to us but then she stayed away for a good while after that. I was there for him through everything his heart was broken. She has now come back which is brillant and he sees her once a week but not around me.

After 2 years together he then got the anulement his ex wife wanted now she’s married and has another child to her new husband.

He took me to Rome and proposed it was beautiful he was in tears and it felt so real and right. We were so happy and good together we do have so much in common it’s like he’s me only a man version.

After that he changed excessive drinking and partying constantly seemed all he wanted was that and I started not wanting to be around him as much and he seemed content with this because he hardly came near me so I thought I would give him space so he would sort his head out or whatever it was that was going on. We broke up for a month then decided to get back together again.

I stay with him on a Saturday and him with me Tuesday evening after work. I wanted to spend another day with him 2 days a week he said he was exhausted and can’t remember the last time we were together. I said yes I know because lately you weren’t interested in connecting or communicating with me know wonder. I don’t know how he’s exhausted because I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks.

We broke up a month ago and hadn’t been together for a month we met up for a bite to eat and talked so we decided to give it another go which was great because I realised how much more I love and miss him. We left the restaurant we were in and shortly after he got a call that his brother in law died.

We spent nearly 3 days together it was great we missed each other so much or so I thought? He seemed really happy we got back together. Even booked a trip overnight a way to see his favourite football team, another comedy show and concert.

So a month later on a Thursday night I knew something was wrong I asked what was wrong with him I knew he wasn’t himself that he wasn’t right he jumped down my throat and hung up on me. The next day he msg me like nothing happened. He said he’s been stressed with work.

We went to his brother in laws month mass and later on Saturday evening a party after. We had a huge row because he was doing something sneaky outside behind my back (not cheating) then started flirting in front of my face with some girl. I decided to leave the party in a taxi he followed me. I left his appartment the next morning and left his ring in front of his tv I told him I was leaving and I won’t be back his response was good.

I’m devasted and totally in shock I haven’t a clue what’s happened to the man I love. He’s became so distant and withdraw towards me and now this has came out of the blue because of the fight we had.

Doesn’t want to get married yet that he just wants to have fun. We weren’t in any rush anyway so that wasn’t the problem. Said he wants to be on his own likes his own space that there is no one else and he didn’t cheat on me.

I know in my heart he’s the one I’ve never felt this way about anyone yes I accept him for who he is that’s what I love most about him.

Reply May 30, 2018, 4:49 am


I have bf and we’ve for 7 months.were in a ldr affair..we talked in general life en everything..he asked me 3x to marry but at the end of it conversation he says tht hes joking..wht is this mean

Reply February 25, 2018, 1:58 am


Very educacting thanks…..

Reply August 16, 2017, 1:24 pm


I just want to Thank You! Your writings on Obsession vs Love, Long Distance Relationships Really Work, (I’m sure I scanned a few more of your articles) were the most useful, honest, clarity, real from any other articles, material out there (yeah, I’ve browsed a few past couple days…ugh). Thank You…You are the best medicine to treat the chemical imbalance of “feeling in love”. It all starts and ends with yourself feeling good about yourself and continuation of such which feeds “love”. Thank You!

Reply August 6, 2017, 3:59 pm

Betty Nkatha Mbae

Is meeting in fb real?

Reply July 3, 2017, 2:06 pm


Excellent Article, and well written both in style and substance!

I’m a male, and wonder what if this article title were ‘Is she the one for me?’, as the issues involved apply equally to men too. The message remains intact whichever gender is applied.

Thank you Eric!

Reply March 29, 2017, 12:43 am


Thank you so much

Reply November 1, 2016, 4:35 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome!

Reply November 1, 2016, 7:15 pm


My boyfriend and I have been friends for 6 years and have recently started dating. In the beginning it was really difficult because we both are each others first and especially with him haveing no experience in the life of dating. He was extremely closed off emotionally but confessed that he loved me while we were friends and loves me now but every time I mention the future or possible marriage questions he freaks out and has a bit of a panic attack. In the beginning I thought it was just fear or his commitment issues as a guy but I have began to start worrying about it. I know we are too young and I am really not sitting here planning out our babies names but like I said it dies worry me a bit.

Reply October 12, 2016, 7:46 pm


Please Eric I have dated a guy for two years and now he calls for break up cos he want to be a witness. For now we are friends but want to know if he can be my future husband because we loved each other very much and cared for one another, I mean we did everything together

Reply October 1, 2016, 2:33 pm


There is this young man who make me smile, who always hugs me when we see each other, He attends my church. I feel good wheni see him. If he sees name from a distance he comes over and start a conversation. We have easy conversations. He smiles a lot when we converse. I know he likes me, the feeling is mutual but he is 10 yes youngert than me. I just do not know how to deal with this.

Reply September 27, 2016, 5:16 am


Thank u for ur article its so exiting i liked it
I wanna ask u if u can help me for making my guy like me
First thing is he studies with me i liked him from our first meet
From that day i started to see him every where i just can see he sees me too but hi didn look after me i did i asked my friend to find me his facebook so yeah she did and i talked to him
I found him so nice and kind but he keep talking about studies every time and he doesnt ask about any thing about me
He doesnt know who im yet but im scared im beautif not the opposit but i think he have a girl friend or he is not intersted can u tell me what to do i just wanna know how to get closer to him how to make him fall in love with me

Reply May 20, 2016, 10:58 am


Dear Chaymae: I’m sorry to say that if this guy never really talks to you about anything but school, and doesn’t notice you as anything besides a classmate, there’s no magical way to make him fall head-over-heals for you. Unfortunately, my darling, you can’t “make” someone feel anything. People sometimes fall in love after spending a lot of time together. But if you’ve studied together already and he hasn’t asked you a single non-work related question, I think it’s safe to assume he’s just not into you that way. Hope you find a guy who’s dazzled by your study skills and winning personality! Good luck :)

Reply July 18, 2016, 8:22 pm


There is this guy im in a relationship with for 3 months now and he has not given me anything since the beginning of the relationship,im always the one giving out and i dont love as before,please advice me

Reply May 10, 2016, 10:16 am


Dear Nye: If he never gives you anything, why are you still dating him? Being with someone is great because the two of you can make each other happier than you could be alone. But if he doesn’t make you happy, he’s just taking advantage of you. Move on. You deserve better.

Reply July 18, 2016, 8:25 pm


Hi Mr. Charles. I absolutely loved your article. Where did you attain such wisdom from? :-) Your article is very real, clean and concise with actual points for every day living. I recently met someone after praying for God to send me the right husband, and I was actually checking myself with your questions and comments as I read through the article.

It is still very very new, but this guy seems to be leaning towards being “the one”. I hope it works out, and thank you for your words of wisdom and comfort. God bless you :-)

Reply March 7, 2016, 1:57 am


Hey Eric you doing a really great job answering the questions that most women have. You see I am getting confused here….you said “when he’s the one, you just know” and later you said “it might be too early to know if he’s the one.” I am getting confused there….I have been seeing this guy for almost six months now and I feel like I barely know him. He ‘knows’ that I love him and I can’t help feel that he’s taking advantage of that. At first I regarded him a “painkiller” because I was coming from a terrible breakup and I needed someone to make me feel loved and to find “myself” again. I’m not sure if he’s the one though I went through the “red flag” signs. He seems not happy with me and he even told me that he was seeing someone else when I was away for the festive holidays. Now I’m not sure what I should do with him because right now he says he has changed and is willing to commit. I sometimes get scared of losing him because I do not want to be alone and end up thinking about my ex( we had been together for over three years). Please help.

Reply February 25, 2016, 12:56 am


How can you love him, if you feel like you barely know him?!

Reply December 14, 2016, 6:12 am

Min Min

Your articles always have the answers I’m looking for….not what I want to hear necessarily, but they always make me feel satisfied. You are truly amazing. I have read so many sites on dating tips/relationship advices and I have never felt satisfied. There’s always something that’s off, somehow. Those times, I would literally just come back to your site to look for the answers. You are “The one and only” for me, when it comes to my “Go To” relationship mentor. Thank you for being so authentic.

Reply November 29, 2015, 11:06 am


Loved this article. So my question would be how to let someone go when you know it’s not the one. I know this is what I wasn’t to do is to move on from our relationship. At the present moment he is our of work (trying to change careers), it’s the holidays, and he had an 11 year old daughter. He is a good guy but we are not browning together, more like I grow for us. Also we have a trip to Florida, I’ve paid for for the four of us (I have a 7 year old) in March. So when is the “time ” ever the right time ?

Reply December 18, 2014, 8:16 am


Hi Eric, love your site and how it emphasizes both men and woman’s worth! So much gets lost in the modern world. Confidence booster and settling down ones mind is so helpful. Big hug to you and your team who put this all together!

Ive read your pages and I want to ask about scenario im thinking about. Ive known this guy for at least 4mths. Weve got closer and closer. When reading page about if compatible or ‘the one’, it seems to make sense! Love how calm and relaxed and happy things are. We communicate surprisingly well. At the moment I guess we are behaving as a couple. We make time for each other and show we care about each other.
I like who I am and I accept him the way he is, cant even think of anything i dont like about him. Its just other people think its odd (hes 45 but seems 35, and im 27 but seem alot older). He also has 2 kids which are lovely and we are getting along nicely. I didnt have kids with my ex husband for many reasons.
Im being asked if I want babies. Woah! Hes making it clear, Not with him because he doesnt want more children. I understand and wouldnt expect that.

I guess my question is~ Is it possible to be a match as people despite this?
I would love to be a mother but for health reasons dont want to go through actually having babies… hence dilemma.
Dont want to get 5yrs down the track and be wishing id not spent this time with him because the clock ticking so to speak.

Im thinking just get to know ourselves a bit more before trying to decide whether stay or go.. but reading your advice I am happy with things at the moment and am not pushing for the boyfriend girlfriend title, although it would be nice and easier to explain to others.


Reply December 5, 2014, 3:28 am


Eric this is Amazing some of your best writing and thank you. I really believe if it hurts its not love and I’m happy you confirm this as well as the fact that it wont always be good but it will always be worth it if it real. :))

Reply May 6, 2013, 1:56 pm


This is the best relationship article I have ever read. Thanks for sharing your widsom, Eric!!!!!! much love to you.

Reply May 1, 2013, 5:25 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome… and thank you. :)

Reply May 1, 2013, 8:41 pm

Stacy Baker

**lmfao** ^^^^

Well said Eric Charles…

Reply May 1, 2013, 12:19 am


This is one of the best and thorough articles I’ve ever read on this site, and there are some great ones here. Thank you for spelling it out so succinctly.

Reply April 18, 2013, 7:13 am


I’m sorry this comment doesn’t exactly go with the article, but where do I go to ask a question to have reviewed and hopefully answered?

Also, thank you for your completely in-depth answer to the question in the above article (and all others).Wow!!

Reply April 8, 2013, 9:35 am

Eric Charles

You can post in the forum – Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see on the dark grey navigation bar the item labeled “Forum” – go there and you can submit your question.

I can’t guarantee I’ll answer your question, but I do answer questions in there from time to time. There are several great members in there who might answer you as well.

Reply May 1, 2013, 8:43 pm


Eric, I was dating other men when I was spending time with the guy who was really into me, but whom I didn’t feel the same way about (and we were only seing each other for about two months so it’s not as if I invested a lot of time in him…). Unfortunately, none of those guys felt like a match either. I go out ALL the time, I smile at strangers, I’m always up for meeting guys my firends want to set me up with. I feel like I am doing “what works”. I know there’s no point in being dramatic and whine about not having found the real deal. It just feels so difficult sometimes to believe he’s out there when I’m really doing everything in my power to “make it happen”.

Reply April 6, 2013, 1:14 pm


Oh come on…you not only pen soul-reaching, heartfelt and tear-inducing material but reply to people’s questions with words that come from your heart? You’re a unique one, Eric Charles.

Reply April 5, 2013, 6:37 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Meow. ;)

Reply April 5, 2013, 7:41 pm


As usual – great article Eric, you’re a wonderful writer.

Although sadly, instead of being inspired by this article, I feel like I’ll be on my own for another ten years to find what you’re describing with a man. I met a guy last year who met all these requirements in his actions towards me and in our interaction. However, no matter how hard I tried to see him that way, I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him. I loved talking about life with him, we shared the same values, I loved his ambition in life and his humour. He was wonderful to me. But I dreaded sleeping with him.

So, what should you do as a woman who really wants a family and can’t keep looking for “the one” forever?

Reply April 5, 2013, 3:32 am

Eric Charles

On your own for another ten years? Stop it, that’s just drama talk. If you want it, all you have to do is *stop* doing what is not working and *do what works*.

I know people who have said stuff like that to me, then when they actually did what I told them to do, they found “the one” within 1-2 months and went on to get married.

A huge part of the secret is this word:


That’s what you say when a guy doesn’t measure up to what you’re looking for. You don’t have to be mean or impolite or hurt his feelings.

It’s just a simple truth: Time is standing still for no one. It doesn’t matter if you’re a billionaire or flat-broke, beautiful or average looking, young or old: We only get so much to spend and it is equally valuable to all of us.

So all that time you spent on a man who had things you liked but you didn’t want to sleep with (dealbreaker), you could have been dating other men.

Date lots of men and don’t stop dating until you find a man who really fits and locks you down.

And in the meantime, while you’re dating, keep yourself fulfilled with your life (so you aren’t searching for fulfillment within your dating).

Don’t wait for your dating life to happen to you. *Make it happen.*

Reply April 5, 2013, 12:42 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you for the compliment as well. I really appreciate it. :)

Reply April 5, 2013, 12:43 pm


I have been your biggest reader ever since I found out about “Ask a Guy” a couple of years ago! All your articles are absolutely wonderful but this article, especially this one, just blew my mind away! I definitely felt a mature but positive vibe from this article. You put so much thought and consideration writing this. I just want to thank you for taking the time to discuss it so profoundly with all your readers, Eric!

Reply April 4, 2013, 8:26 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot for your heartfelt message. You’re welcome.

Reply April 4, 2013, 9:18 pm


Really great article, thank you! Eric, how do you know all about how being with ‘the one’ feels like, have you found that one woman for you already?

Reply April 4, 2013, 5:56 pm

Eric Charles


Reply April 5, 2013, 12:47 pm


Hey Eric
This is one of the best articles I have read and is totally spot on, made me feel very happy reading it actually as I do believe I am with ‘the one’, so thank you!. You are right, everything just fits effortlessly – friends, lifestyles, communication etc. There is no drama, no hard work, no overanalysis (well apart from the odd hormonal ‘what did he MEAN by that text or silence?!?!’ freak out…but then in those times your book is the saviour!)
We have only been together a year (we are both in our thirties) but I have never been so happy in any relationship or felt like any other relationship was as ‘right’ as this. If I ever thought of marrying my last boyfriend the thought filled me with utter dread and a sense of ‘is this it?’ but now the thought could not make me happier. I know it sounds cheesy but it feels like this is what I have been looking for all my life but I didn’t know until I found it. Every other relationship was hard work in many different senses, and I never really knew what other people meant when they said they just ‘knew’. I had been trying to convince myself to like previous exes even when I wasn’t really feeling it, thinking I was never going to find anybody else etc, but I would never really have been happy. So I really do agree – never settle, never give up hope, never try and talk yourself into liking somebody or force something that you know in your heart isn’t going anywhere because the likelihood is it isn’t, and you can’t find ‘the one’ while you’re with Mr Wrong!

Reply April 4, 2013, 5:07 pm


This is the most thorough, well-explained article you’ve written out of all the Ask A Guy articles. Thank you Eric!

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:32 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Annie – glad you liked it.

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:48 pm


I loved this article! Most of the BOOKS I’ve read weren’t as comprehensive as this. I love your site. Thank you!!!

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:13 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks – I appreciate that. And of course, you’re welcome.

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:23 pm


I think you’re spot-on with this, Eric. You DO “just know” – I’ve experienced it, finally. But the rub is he isn’t ready for me, although he thought he was. His divorce from a 21-yr marriage was tougher to get over than he thought. So my question for you is … does this disqualify him from being “the one” for me because the timing was off?

Reply April 4, 2013, 2:03 pm

Eric Charles


The sad truth is that wanting something… even wanting something really really bad… will not make it so. Neither will worrying about it. Neither will trying really hard to “make it work”.

Then there’s the more obvious indicators that he might be the one:


Do you have an official relationship title?
Do you say “I love you” to each other?
Does he talk about the future?

Great relationships don’t need to be forced. You don’t hit roadblocks like him not wanting to commit for XYZ reason, etc.

This falls under the category of wanting him to be the one, but ultimately it’s not…

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:22 pm


Yeah, that’s BS. I know a couple that the guy proposed because when he knew he just knew. They were divorced within 2 years.

Reply April 4, 2013, 1:47 pm

Eric Charles

That’s cool.

Did you read… I dunno… the entire rest of the article?


Reply April 4, 2013, 3:19 pm

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