I know it may not seem this way, but relationships are actually surprisingly simple. And if you can master a few basic principles about relationships, and what it takes to have the right relationship, you will be better able to navigate through the confusion and heartbreak and will effortlessly get the relationship you’ve always wanted.
Whether you’re involved or single as can be, here are the top four rules to live by to get the relationship you want:
1. Never Want Someone Who Doesn’t Want You
Sounds obvious, but sadly, it’s not! When it comes to men and relationships, us gals can delude ourselves in some pretty impressive ways. We find signs to prove that things are the way we want them to be and that he feels the way we want him to feel.
Now here’s the truth of the matter. If a guy says or indicates he wants to be with you, but isn’t actually with you for whatever reason (I don’t like labels, my ex girlfriend was evil, I’m stressed about my job, my dog died etc. etc.), then don’t waste your time. Don’t help his case by reasoning and rationalizing why his excuses make sense (but he is really busy! And his last girlfriend sounded like such a bitch, and his dog was his best friend).
When someone is giving you excuses as to why they can’t do something, what they’re really doing is telling you they don’t want to do it. Some reasons may be quite impressive, there may even be sprinkles of truth mixed in there, but when it comes down to it, if he wants to be with you, he will be. Are there exceptions? Yes, but they are very, very rare. And even if a guy can’t commit for whatever reason, he will make sure to still let you know he’s invested in a real and substantial way.
If a guy isn’t showing you that he is committed and that he wants to be with you and only you, then stop wanting that from him. It isn’t easy, but it’s a far better alternative than wasting months or even years of your life waiting around for some guy to get his act together, wouldn’t you agree?
MORE: 5 Signs He’ll Never Commit
2. Do I Like Myself When I’m With This Person?
Being in a relationship shouldn’t be your end-goal, the goal should be attaining the right relationship.
When two people are in a relationship, they should bring out the best in one another. They should challenge each other to grow so that their attributes strengthen and they become the best versions of themselves.
When a relationship crushes you and leaves you feeling paranoid, anxious, insecure, inadequate, and always on edge, just waiting for the other shoe to drop…. you’re cheating yourself out of having the immense benefits a good relationship can provide.
It breaks my heart seeing some of the questions we receive via email and in the forum. So many of our readers feel miserable and trapped by their relationships. Yet despite these agonizing feelings of hurt/despair/insecurity/fear, they are unable to extricate themselves from the situation because of their all-consuming feelings for the other person.
They get so caught up in their feelings for him, or his presumed feelings for them, that they miss the most important variable in the equation. And that is: Do I like myself when I’m with this person?
I’ve been in relationships where I almost didn’t recognize myself, ones where my flaws were magnified and my attributes were tucked away somewhere beyond reach. It’s a miserable feeling, one that can have lasting ramifications long after the relationship (inevitably) ends.
At the end of the day, you are all you have. You need to be your greatest ally in the world, you need to do what’s best for you and what will make you happy and help you reach your potential. If your relationship is sending you in the opposite direction, stop wasting your strength and energy on making it work and instead use those forces to walk away.
3. Take the Word “Should” Out of Your Vocabulary
If you’re gonna do anything, it should be to take the word should out of your vocabulary! Okay, in all seriousness, the word should is very poisonous when it comes to relationships (“Always” and “Never” are tied for second). When you tell a guy what he should be doing, you’re saying what he is doing isn’t enough.
Guys want to make you happy, seriously. Guys also need to feel like winners in the world. If you “should” him, you’re basically telling him he’s a loser who can’t make you happy and this will not encourage him to try any harder.
Should is a punishing word. It causes resentment to brew and it immediately places the person you’re “shoulding” on the defensive. Just think about all the times someone told you what you “should” do. That word is never received pleasantly.
Instead of focusing on what your partner should be doing, try to look at what he is doing right in the relationship and show appreciation for those things. The more your man feels appreciated, the more he’ll want to do to make you happy.
When you can come from this place, you and your man will be true partners instead of adversaries and things will feel much more relaxed and effortless.
4. Be The Prize
The most common trap women fall into in relationships is trying to be good enough for the guy. So many women get stuck plotting and planning their every move in an effort to prove their worth to a guy. This is the worst way to be in a relationship. For one, it reeks of neediness. It also puts the guy in the drivers seat and essentially tells him the terms of the relationship are his to dictate. When this happens, you’ll find yourself in a situation with a guy who will essentially do whatever he wants because he knows he can get away with it and you’ll still be there.
Being the prize isn’t so much a set of behaviors as it is a state of mind. The “Prize” mentality is one that asks: Is he good enough for me? Of all the guys I could have, is he the one I choose?
Guys want to be with a quality woman they had to work for and earn. There is nothing interesting or exciting about a woman who will bend over backwards and settle for scraps just because she doesn’t want to be alone.
If you catch yourself obsessing over what to say to your guy, or how to act around him, stop and tell yourself: “I am the prize that he needs to win over.”
Becoming a thoroughly confident woman takes work and isn’t something that just happens. However, one route to take to get you there is to act like you’re confident. As the saying goes, fake it ’til you make it!
MORE: On Loving Yourself and Being More Confident
– SABRINA ALEXIS