If you’ve completely screwed things up by being needy, insecure, etc, and given everything so the guy doesn’t feel the need to commit to you anymore, is there any hope in hell of changing things around, considering the renewed attitude I received thanks to you guys?
The number one reason women have so much trouble getting themselves out of a position like this is because they fixate more and more attention on the guy as he gives less and less.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about holding back or intentionally trying to manipulate a guy by “making him work for you” with games and tricks. That’s magazine dating advice trash.
What I do recommend is you recognize that you’re choosing the situation you’re in and that choice is looking more and more like an ineffective strategy in getting the guy to have a relationship with you in the way you want.
Sure, he’ll give you hope. Sure, he’ll say all sorts of nice things to you to keep you as invested as possible in him. But the bottom line is: when a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you, believe him.
You don’t have to stop seeing him if you don’t want to, but don’t sucker yourself into believing that you’re going to change the situation, change him, “reach his misunderstood and mistreated heart”, etc.
Much simpler solution? Be single. Keep your options open. After all, he doesn’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want a title, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. So instead of chasing him and triggering his response to retreat, be the single woman he supposedly wants you to be…
The higher your “market value” is on the singles market, the more likely he’ll be to want to lock you down in a relationship. That’s the irony of this very common situation…
Moreover, if a guy knows full well that another man would be glad to snap you up in a relationship and he still doesn’t come around and want an exclusive relationship with you, then you can be certain that there was nothing you could have done to make him want to be exclusive with you…
Either way, it’s a win – you either have him commit or you end up in someone else’s arms. Much better than anxiously waiting by the phone, hoping he’ll come around one day.
It’s interesting… I’ve had the experience years ago where I was dating a girl and I wasn’t even all that into her at the beginning, but then when she started slipping away, something inside me made me obsess over it.
Looking back on it, it wasn’t about my relationship with her – it was about the relationship I had with myself. It was a hit to my self-image and ego and I got sucked into to chasing that part of myself I felt I had lost…
The fact was, at that time I identified with my relationship. The way that the girl treated me meant something about me (in my mind). And after that, I rebounded hard in the other direction – the next time, I was the one who invested nothing into my next relationship… I reacted so poorly to investing in someone who wasn’t invested in me that I completely closed myself off from letting myself have feelings for anyone else at that time.
The core problem was still there… I was just guarding it to an extreme degree. It wasn’t until I truly realized that how the other person treats me or acts in a relationship has NOTHING to do with me that I was finally set free.
People obsess over trying to extract actions from the other person to prove that they’re in a good relationship. These days, I don’t do this at all. It’s not to say that there aren’t things that I want, but it’s not my mission to make the other person do things a certain way so I can feel good about myself.
Instead of trying to make him act like the boyfriend you’ve always wanted, a more effective approach is to just put great energy into the relationship, always. What comes back to you from him is what he’s naturally and effortlessly happy to give you back for it…
If it works for you, great. If it’s not enough, remember that you’re *single* until you’re locked down. Your situation might be comfortable and familiar, but if it’s not what you really want, then it’s a waste of time to try and force it to be something it’s not. Great relationships are surprisingly effortless and fit your nature; dead-ends feel confusing, induce paranoia, and feel like you’re always chasing something, never having…
I’m not saying that it’s easy to walk away from something you’ve invested yourself into… actually, it’s extremely difficult. The only way you can get yourself into a better situation is if you decide for yourself what needs to be done and put all of your effort into making that solution happen, without deviating from your mission and without second-guessing yourself.
It’s not easy, but remember: this is your life. This isn’t a practice run. This is it. People who spend their life waiting for the life they want to just happen will be waiting their whole life… Don’t be at the mercy of your situation and circumstances – create your situation and circumstances.
Hope it helps,