Ask a Guy: Is He The One? post image

Ask a Guy: Is He The One?

… (Previous page – Ask a Guy: Is He The One?) see and fully accept the person in front of you, exactly as they are at that moment.  It can be tough to admit, but sometimes you know in your heart that you’re not there with them at that place of true acceptance.

The Most Fundamental Point To Remember

You can’t really know if he’s the one at the initial stages of dating when everything is fresh and new.  This is the phase of relationship where you are introducing one another to important people in your lives, you’re sharing your favorite things for the first time, and you’re learning new things about one another every day.

Aside from accepting one another completely, you must both realize that love isn’t something that is made once, then stands strong like a statue or monument.  Love needs to be made and remade every day – you want to think of love as a verb, not a noun.

The beginning stages of love and exploration are exciting, fun, and fascinating, but the real test comes when the party is over and you’re simply sharing life together.  Once all the “firsts” are out of the way, that’s really what a relationship comes down to: sharing a life together.

After it hits that point:  Does he still feel like home?  Does he still “just fit”?  Does he still “just make sense” in your life?

Is he still delighted by you as you are right now?

Being with the one brings richness, fullness, and depth to your life. They give you wings, but they also keep you on your toes – they bring out your best, even when (left to your own devices) you might have taken an easier or more comfortable path.

Our culture often has the perception that a great relationship will make them happy or complete.

The fact is, in many ways a relationship (even a great relationship) will make your life more difficult.  In this way, your greatest relationship is not about completing you or making you happy… it is about you growing with him and him growing with you.

Life isn’t necessarily easier with him there, but it’s undeniably better.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Don’t forget to ask yourself, “What if he *does* change?” too! People change, and it isn’t always for the better. We had everything for the 1st 12 years, barely fought, secure in each others want & interest, great sex, great communication, all of it. Then 4 years ago it was like one day he woke up a different person. I don’t know if him getting closer to 40 was the reason, maybe a bit of a midlife crisis, or what. It’s never been the same. I know without a doubt there’s no other woman. It’s something to do with the woman he already has.

Reply December 22, 2020, 1:50 am

Tiffany Kraft

I enjoy reading what you write. You speak direct and on topic. This is good information to know and it’s not just meant for only one age group. Thank you

Reply April 28, 2020, 6:40 am


Hi Eric

I met my fiance on a month later we went on about 4 dates we met up and we clicked right away and fell in love pretty quickly.

There was some problems with his ex wife and daughter that she didn’t know me very well and met to soon so we both agreed I should stay away till his daughter got use to us but then she stayed away for a good while after that. I was there for him through everything his heart was broken. She has now come back which is brillant and he sees her once a week but not around me.

After 2 years together he then got the anulement his ex wife wanted now she’s married and has another child to her new husband.

He took me to Rome and proposed it was beautiful he was in tears and it felt so real and right. We were so happy and good together we do have so much in common it’s like he’s me only a man version.

After that he changed excessive drinking and partying constantly seemed all he wanted was that and I started not wanting to be around him as much and he seemed content with this because he hardly came near me so I thought I would give him space so he would sort his head out or whatever it was that was going on. We broke up for a month then decided to get back together again.

I stay with him on a Saturday and him with me Tuesday evening after work. I wanted to spend another day with him 2 days a week he said he was exhausted and can’t remember the last time we were together. I said yes I know because lately you weren’t interested in connecting or communicating with me know wonder. I don’t know how he’s exhausted because I haven’t seen him in 2 weeks.

We broke up a month ago and hadn’t been together for a month we met up for a bite to eat and talked so we decided to give it another go which was great because I realised how much more I love and miss him. We left the restaurant we were in and shortly after he got a call that his brother in law died.

We spent nearly 3 days together it was great we missed each other so much or so I thought? He seemed really happy we got back together. Even booked a trip overnight a way to see his favourite football team, another comedy show and concert.

So a month later on a Thursday night I knew something was wrong I asked what was wrong with him I knew he wasn’t himself that he wasn’t right he jumped down my throat and hung up on me. The next day he msg me like nothing happened. He said he’s been stressed with work.

We went to his brother in laws month mass and later on Saturday evening a party after. We had a huge row because he was doing something sneaky outside behind my back (not cheating) then started flirting in front of my face with some girl. I decided to leave the party in a taxi he followed me. I left his appartment the next morning and left his ring in front of his tv I told him I was leaving and I won’t be back his response was good.

I’m devasted and totally in shock I haven’t a clue what’s happened to the man I love. He’s became so distant and withdraw towards me and now this has came out of the blue because of the fight we had.

Doesn’t want to get married yet that he just wants to have fun. We weren’t in any rush anyway so that wasn’t the problem. Said he wants to be on his own likes his own space that there is no one else and he didn’t cheat on me.

I know in my heart he’s the one I’ve never felt this way about anyone yes I accept him for who he is that’s what I love most about him.

Reply May 30, 2018, 4:49 am


I have bf and we’ve for 7 months.were in a ldr affair..we talked in general life en everything..he asked me 3x to marry but at the end of it conversation he says tht hes joking..wht is this mean

Reply February 25, 2018, 1:58 am


Very educacting thanks…..

Reply August 16, 2017, 1:24 pm


I just want to Thank You! Your writings on Obsession vs Love, Long Distance Relationships Really Work, (I’m sure I scanned a few more of your articles) were the most useful, honest, clarity, real from any other articles, material out there (yeah, I’ve browsed a few past couple days…ugh). Thank You…You are the best medicine to treat the chemical imbalance of “feeling in love”. It all starts and ends with yourself feeling good about yourself and continuation of such which feeds “love”. Thank You!

Reply August 6, 2017, 3:59 pm

Betty Nkatha Mbae

Is meeting in fb real?

Reply July 3, 2017, 2:06 pm


Excellent Article, and well written both in style and substance!

I’m a male, and wonder what if this article title were ‘Is she the one for me?’, as the issues involved apply equally to men too. The message remains intact whichever gender is applied.

Thank you Eric!

Reply March 29, 2017, 12:43 am


Thank you so much

Reply November 1, 2016, 4:35 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome!

Reply November 1, 2016, 7:15 pm


My boyfriend and I have been friends for 6 years and have recently started dating. In the beginning it was really difficult because we both are each others first and especially with him haveing no experience in the life of dating. He was extremely closed off emotionally but confessed that he loved me while we were friends and loves me now but every time I mention the future or possible marriage questions he freaks out and has a bit of a panic attack. In the beginning I thought it was just fear or his commitment issues as a guy but I have began to start worrying about it. I know we are too young and I am really not sitting here planning out our babies names but like I said it dies worry me a bit.

Reply October 12, 2016, 7:46 pm


Please Eric I have dated a guy for two years and now he calls for break up cos he want to be a witness. For now we are friends but want to know if he can be my future husband because we loved each other very much and cared for one another, I mean we did everything together

Reply October 1, 2016, 2:33 pm


There is this young man who make me smile, who always hugs me when we see each other, He attends my church. I feel good wheni see him. If he sees name from a distance he comes over and start a conversation. We have easy conversations. He smiles a lot when we converse. I know he likes me, the feeling is mutual but he is 10 yes youngert than me. I just do not know how to deal with this.

Reply September 27, 2016, 5:16 am


Thank u for ur article its so exiting i liked it
I wanna ask u if u can help me for making my guy like me
First thing is he studies with me i liked him from our first meet
From that day i started to see him every where i just can see he sees me too but hi didn look after me i did i asked my friend to find me his facebook so yeah she did and i talked to him
I found him so nice and kind but he keep talking about studies every time and he doesnt ask about any thing about me
He doesnt know who im yet but im scared im beautif not the opposit but i think he have a girl friend or he is not intersted can u tell me what to do i just wanna know how to get closer to him how to make him fall in love with me

Reply May 20, 2016, 10:58 am


Dear Chaymae: I’m sorry to say that if this guy never really talks to you about anything but school, and doesn’t notice you as anything besides a classmate, there’s no magical way to make him fall head-over-heals for you. Unfortunately, my darling, you can’t “make” someone feel anything. People sometimes fall in love after spending a lot of time together. But if you’ve studied together already and he hasn’t asked you a single non-work related question, I think it’s safe to assume he’s just not into you that way. Hope you find a guy who’s dazzled by your study skills and winning personality! Good luck :)

Reply July 18, 2016, 8:22 pm


There is this guy im in a relationship with for 3 months now and he has not given me anything since the beginning of the relationship,im always the one giving out and i dont love as before,please advice me

Reply May 10, 2016, 10:16 am


Dear Nye: If he never gives you anything, why are you still dating him? Being with someone is great because the two of you can make each other happier than you could be alone. But if he doesn’t make you happy, he’s just taking advantage of you. Move on. You deserve better.

Reply July 18, 2016, 8:25 pm


Hi Mr. Charles. I absolutely loved your article. Where did you attain such wisdom from? :-) Your article is very real, clean and concise with actual points for every day living. I recently met someone after praying for God to send me the right husband, and I was actually checking myself with your questions and comments as I read through the article.

It is still very very new, but this guy seems to be leaning towards being “the one”. I hope it works out, and thank you for your words of wisdom and comfort. God bless you :-)

Reply March 7, 2016, 1:57 am


Hey Eric you doing a really great job answering the questions that most women have. You see I am getting confused here….you said “when he’s the one, you just know” and later you said “it might be too early to know if he’s the one.” I am getting confused there….I have been seeing this guy for almost six months now and I feel like I barely know him. He ‘knows’ that I love him and I can’t help feel that he’s taking advantage of that. At first I regarded him a “painkiller” because I was coming from a terrible breakup and I needed someone to make me feel loved and to find “myself” again. I’m not sure if he’s the one though I went through the “red flag” signs. He seems not happy with me and he even told me that he was seeing someone else when I was away for the festive holidays. Now I’m not sure what I should do with him because right now he says he has changed and is willing to commit. I sometimes get scared of losing him because I do not want to be alone and end up thinking about my ex( we had been together for over three years). Please help.

Reply February 25, 2016, 12:56 am


How can you love him, if you feel like you barely know him?!

Reply December 14, 2016, 6:12 am

Min Min

Your articles always have the answers I’m looking for….not what I want to hear necessarily, but they always make me feel satisfied. You are truly amazing. I have read so many sites on dating tips/relationship advices and I have never felt satisfied. There’s always something that’s off, somehow. Those times, I would literally just come back to your site to look for the answers. You are “The one and only” for me, when it comes to my “Go To” relationship mentor. Thank you for being so authentic.

Reply November 29, 2015, 11:06 am


Loved this article. So my question would be how to let someone go when you know it’s not the one. I know this is what I wasn’t to do is to move on from our relationship. At the present moment he is our of work (trying to change careers), it’s the holidays, and he had an 11 year old daughter. He is a good guy but we are not browning together, more like I grow for us. Also we have a trip to Florida, I’ve paid for for the four of us (I have a 7 year old) in March. So when is the “time ” ever the right time ?

Reply December 18, 2014, 8:16 am


Hi Eric, love your site and how it emphasizes both men and woman’s worth! So much gets lost in the modern world. Confidence booster and settling down ones mind is so helpful. Big hug to you and your team who put this all together!

Ive read your pages and I want to ask about scenario im thinking about. Ive known this guy for at least 4mths. Weve got closer and closer. When reading page about if compatible or ‘the one’, it seems to make sense! Love how calm and relaxed and happy things are. We communicate surprisingly well. At the moment I guess we are behaving as a couple. We make time for each other and show we care about each other.
I like who I am and I accept him the way he is, cant even think of anything i dont like about him. Its just other people think its odd (hes 45 but seems 35, and im 27 but seem alot older). He also has 2 kids which are lovely and we are getting along nicely. I didnt have kids with my ex husband for many reasons.
Im being asked if I want babies. Woah! Hes making it clear, Not with him because he doesnt want more children. I understand and wouldnt expect that.

I guess my question is~ Is it possible to be a match as people despite this?
I would love to be a mother but for health reasons dont want to go through actually having babies… hence dilemma.
Dont want to get 5yrs down the track and be wishing id not spent this time with him because the clock ticking so to speak.

Im thinking just get to know ourselves a bit more before trying to decide whether stay or go.. but reading your advice I am happy with things at the moment and am not pushing for the boyfriend girlfriend title, although it would be nice and easier to explain to others.


Reply December 5, 2014, 3:28 am


Eric this is Amazing some of your best writing and thank you. I really believe if it hurts its not love and I’m happy you confirm this as well as the fact that it wont always be good but it will always be worth it if it real. :))

Reply May 6, 2013, 1:56 pm


This is the best relationship article I have ever read. Thanks for sharing your widsom, Eric!!!!!! much love to you.

Reply May 1, 2013, 5:25 pm

Eric Charles

You’re welcome… and thank you. :)

Reply May 1, 2013, 8:41 pm

Stacy Baker

**lmfao** ^^^^

Well said Eric Charles…

Reply May 1, 2013, 12:19 am


This is one of the best and thorough articles I’ve ever read on this site, and there are some great ones here. Thank you for spelling it out so succinctly.

Reply April 18, 2013, 7:13 am


I’m sorry this comment doesn’t exactly go with the article, but where do I go to ask a question to have reviewed and hopefully answered?

Also, thank you for your completely in-depth answer to the question in the above article (and all others).Wow!!

Reply April 8, 2013, 9:35 am

Eric Charles

You can post in the forum – Scroll to the top of the page and you’ll see on the dark grey navigation bar the item labeled “Forum” – go there and you can submit your question.

I can’t guarantee I’ll answer your question, but I do answer questions in there from time to time. There are several great members in there who might answer you as well.

Reply May 1, 2013, 8:43 pm


Eric, I was dating other men when I was spending time with the guy who was really into me, but whom I didn’t feel the same way about (and we were only seing each other for about two months so it’s not as if I invested a lot of time in him…). Unfortunately, none of those guys felt like a match either. I go out ALL the time, I smile at strangers, I’m always up for meeting guys my firends want to set me up with. I feel like I am doing “what works”. I know there’s no point in being dramatic and whine about not having found the real deal. It just feels so difficult sometimes to believe he’s out there when I’m really doing everything in my power to “make it happen”.

Reply April 6, 2013, 1:14 pm


Oh come on…you not only pen soul-reaching, heartfelt and tear-inducing material but reply to people’s questions with words that come from your heart? You’re a unique one, Eric Charles.

Reply April 5, 2013, 6:37 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Meow. ;)

Reply April 5, 2013, 7:41 pm


As usual – great article Eric, you’re a wonderful writer.

Although sadly, instead of being inspired by this article, I feel like I’ll be on my own for another ten years to find what you’re describing with a man. I met a guy last year who met all these requirements in his actions towards me and in our interaction. However, no matter how hard I tried to see him that way, I just wasn’t sexually attracted to him. I loved talking about life with him, we shared the same values, I loved his ambition in life and his humour. He was wonderful to me. But I dreaded sleeping with him.

So, what should you do as a woman who really wants a family and can’t keep looking for “the one” forever?

Reply April 5, 2013, 3:32 am

Eric Charles

On your own for another ten years? Stop it, that’s just drama talk. If you want it, all you have to do is *stop* doing what is not working and *do what works*.

I know people who have said stuff like that to me, then when they actually did what I told them to do, they found “the one” within 1-2 months and went on to get married.

A huge part of the secret is this word:


That’s what you say when a guy doesn’t measure up to what you’re looking for. You don’t have to be mean or impolite or hurt his feelings.

It’s just a simple truth: Time is standing still for no one. It doesn’t matter if you’re a billionaire or flat-broke, beautiful or average looking, young or old: We only get so much to spend and it is equally valuable to all of us.

So all that time you spent on a man who had things you liked but you didn’t want to sleep with (dealbreaker), you could have been dating other men.

Date lots of men and don’t stop dating until you find a man who really fits and locks you down.

And in the meantime, while you’re dating, keep yourself fulfilled with your life (so you aren’t searching for fulfillment within your dating).

Don’t wait for your dating life to happen to you. *Make it happen.*

Reply April 5, 2013, 12:42 pm

Eric Charles

Thank you for the compliment as well. I really appreciate it. :)

Reply April 5, 2013, 12:43 pm


I have been your biggest reader ever since I found out about “Ask a Guy” a couple of years ago! All your articles are absolutely wonderful but this article, especially this one, just blew my mind away! I definitely felt a mature but positive vibe from this article. You put so much thought and consideration writing this. I just want to thank you for taking the time to discuss it so profoundly with all your readers, Eric!

Reply April 4, 2013, 8:26 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks a lot for your heartfelt message. You’re welcome.

Reply April 4, 2013, 9:18 pm


Really great article, thank you! Eric, how do you know all about how being with ‘the one’ feels like, have you found that one woman for you already?

Reply April 4, 2013, 5:56 pm

Eric Charles


Reply April 5, 2013, 12:47 pm


Hey Eric
This is one of the best articles I have read and is totally spot on, made me feel very happy reading it actually as I do believe I am with ‘the one’, so thank you!. You are right, everything just fits effortlessly – friends, lifestyles, communication etc. There is no drama, no hard work, no overanalysis (well apart from the odd hormonal ‘what did he MEAN by that text or silence?!?!’ freak out…but then in those times your book is the saviour!)
We have only been together a year (we are both in our thirties) but I have never been so happy in any relationship or felt like any other relationship was as ‘right’ as this. If I ever thought of marrying my last boyfriend the thought filled me with utter dread and a sense of ‘is this it?’ but now the thought could not make me happier. I know it sounds cheesy but it feels like this is what I have been looking for all my life but I didn’t know until I found it. Every other relationship was hard work in many different senses, and I never really knew what other people meant when they said they just ‘knew’. I had been trying to convince myself to like previous exes even when I wasn’t really feeling it, thinking I was never going to find anybody else etc, but I would never really have been happy. So I really do agree – never settle, never give up hope, never try and talk yourself into liking somebody or force something that you know in your heart isn’t going anywhere because the likelihood is it isn’t, and you can’t find ‘the one’ while you’re with Mr Wrong!

Reply April 4, 2013, 5:07 pm


This is the most thorough, well-explained article you’ve written out of all the Ask A Guy articles. Thank you Eric!

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:32 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Annie – glad you liked it.

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:48 pm


I loved this article! Most of the BOOKS I’ve read weren’t as comprehensive as this. I love your site. Thank you!!!

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:13 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks – I appreciate that. And of course, you’re welcome.

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:23 pm


I think you’re spot-on with this, Eric. You DO “just know” – I’ve experienced it, finally. But the rub is he isn’t ready for me, although he thought he was. His divorce from a 21-yr marriage was tougher to get over than he thought. So my question for you is … does this disqualify him from being “the one” for me because the timing was off?

Reply April 4, 2013, 2:03 pm

Eric Charles


The sad truth is that wanting something… even wanting something really really bad… will not make it so. Neither will worrying about it. Neither will trying really hard to “make it work”.

Then there’s the more obvious indicators that he might be the one:


Do you have an official relationship title?
Do you say “I love you” to each other?
Does he talk about the future?

Great relationships don’t need to be forced. You don’t hit roadblocks like him not wanting to commit for XYZ reason, etc.

This falls under the category of wanting him to be the one, but ultimately it’s not…

Reply April 4, 2013, 3:22 pm


Yeah, that’s BS. I know a couple that the guy proposed because when he knew he just knew. They were divorced within 2 years.

Reply April 4, 2013, 1:47 pm

Eric Charles

That’s cool.

Did you read… I dunno… the entire rest of the article?


Reply April 4, 2013, 3:19 pm

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