Being in a situation where you like or love a guy and he just doesn’t feel the same way is the worst.
I’ve been there, I know how deeply it hurts. Why doesn’t he just want you the way you want him? It’s hard not to feel like you’re just not good enough.
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It’s hard not to take it personally. It’s hard not to feel like you’re somehow defective, or like you’re the architect for your own misery by doing something that just repels any many you have feelings for. You’re not sure what it is about you, but it must be something.
Don’t worry. I’m going to break it all down and tell you exactly how to get over these situations with your self-esteem fully intact.
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Here is the brutal truth you probably don’t want to hear: There isn’t all that much you can do about it. You can’t force someone to like you. No amount of wanting or yearning will get him to like you back. No amount of plotting or strategizing or analyzing will get you the results you want, it will only drive you insane.
Now I will say there are ways to increase your attractiveness and likeability. You should focus on becoming your best self, on looking your best, feeling your best, being your best. But if you’ve done that and he still isn’t interested in you, it’s time to just accept it and move on.
Here is how to do it:
1. Stop the obsessive loop
When he doesn’t like you back it’s really hard no to get stuck in your head. You replay every detail looking for what you did wrong and why he just doesn’t like you.
Famed psychiatrist Victor Frankel said: “Between stimulus and response is man’s ability to choose.” You have that choice! You do, I swear you do. Just pause, don’t react. Don’t get swept away in a tidal wave of: Why doesn’t he like me? Am I not good enough? Is he seeing someone else?
You can stop these thoughts! The more you feed into them, the more power you give them. When thoughts of him creep up, recognize that you’re thinking about this guy because you’re hurt, and make the conscious choice not to engage with those thoughts. Focus your direction elsewhere. It may not feel natural the first time, but by the hundredth time it will be fully wired in!
MORE: 11 Definite Signs He Doesn’t Like You
2. Realize you’re not in control
The obsessing is really a need for control. You think if you can understand it, you can control it
Maybe it’s because I talked too much, maybe he didn’t think I was that into him because I’m a little shy, maybe it’s because I was too eager, maybe I didn’t let him pursue me enough, maybe I replied to his texts too quickly.
You try to find an exact reason because if you know the reason, you can fix it, and that gives you control.
Control is an illusion. We can’t control how someone else feels- when you realize this, you’ll free yourself from the mental gymnastics you need to do in order to “understand.” Sometimes he just doesn’t like you because he doesn’t like you.
MORE: How to Get Over Even the Worst Breakup
3. Is it him or is it the idea of him that you’re stuck on?
I think it’s harder to get over a guy you never really had than to get over an actual breakup. I think the hardest breakups are with the guys who were never your boyfriend.
It’s harder to break up with potential than it is to break up with an actual person. Potential is amazing! It could lead to anything. When you had an actual relationship, then at least you had something- you were there, you lived it, and it didn’t work.
But when a guy doesn’t even want to try, he doesn’t even want to get into the relationship with you and see what happens, that’s brutal.
A lot of the time we’re more hurt by the fact that he didn’t even want to give us a shot than we were by not having this guy in the way we want. The pain we feel is oftentimes a bruised ego more than a broken heart.
MORE: 5 Signs He’s Just Not That into You
4. Get distance
Put your attention elsewhere- literally onto anything else. When you step out of the emotional whirlpool, you’ll see more clearly. You can’t see the situation for what it is with your face pressed right into it. You need to step outside of it to see the full picture more clearly.
Spend time with friends- pursue new passions, focus on yourself
Beating yourself up because some guy didn’t like or love you the way you wanted isn’t going to serve you in life- becoming a person that you genuinely like and love will give you the life you want
5. Create your own closure
I used to be all about the closure. I needed a perfectly satisfying explanation for everything that ever didn’t turn out the way I wanted in order to semi move on, but nothing ever gets wrapped up in a pretty bow.
You want answers- you want to know why. Why not you?
He can’t give you those answers because a lot of the time he doesn’t even know himself. I used to set people up a lot, and sometimes the guys just wouldn’t be into it but they rarely had an actual reason why. Usually, it was just a “feeling.”
That’s all you need to know. The only closure you need is knowing he just doesn’t want to be with you … and realizing it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
Take control of your mind and your thoughts. This is the key to moving on. And remember, there are 8 billion people in the world! You can find someone else.
MORE: Why The Guys You Want Don’t Want You
Remember, it’s not personal. It happens to all of us. Don’t let this ravage your self-esteem, that’s a huge mistake that I made and it’s really hard to undo it once that sets in and you really internalize the idea that you’re just not worthy of having what you want.
I hope this article gave you the tools to get over a guy who doesn’t like you back. I know it’s painful, but trust me when I say it’s for the best. Now you’re free to get the love you want. But there are two things you need to know. At some point, a man will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit to? The answer will determine everything. Do you know what makes a man see a woman as long-term material, as opposed to a passing fling? Do you know what inspires a man to commit and devote himself to one woman only? If not, read this next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
The next issue arises when he starts to pull away. It looks like he’s losing interest in you. He’s not as responsive, he’s not as attentive, and things just feel off. Do you now what to do to get things back on track? If not, read this next: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...
Written by Sabrina Alexis