The more distant I act, the more he’s interested! I want to be more “coupley” with him, but the more I do that the more he backs off, and the more I back off the more he comes to me.
How do I gradually get closer and more “coupley” without scaring him off?
First, you might like this article: https://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/the-less-i-care-the-more-he-seems-to/
The issues here are space and validation.
I’ve had relationships that I have tried hard to keep in “stasis”. What I mean is that I like them right where they are… I know she’s not interested in hooking up with other guys, we see each other regularly enough (one a week or so) and when we’re together it’s nice, but there’s no feeling of exclusivity or dependency.
Problem is, try as I might, it doesn’t last. The girl starts becoming attached to me, missing me and wanting to become more “official”. I’m not looking for that and when that starts coming up, I scale my presence in her life back considerably – I don’t want things to turn into a relationship and therefore I withdraw.
Then, inevitably, the girl starts to get upset, frustrated, confused, etc. and she starts backing away.
At that point, I start thinking I’ve gone too far. I’ve pushed her away and now I’m going to lose her. I start putting in more effort… my goal being that I’d like to return to “stasis” – that perfect sweet spot of comfortable company and sexual satisfaction without having to tie myself down to any relationship.
My point here: My goal is to maintain the stage before exclusivity and relationship happens. I, right now, am not looking for a relationship. I’m clear on this and it’s practical for where I am in my life right now. While a girl could get me to put in more effort by withdrawing a bit, I am ultimately not looking for a relationship and my effort is only going to go so far.
I have fallen into relationships before. I’ve been successfully manipulated into relationships too. In the end, they’ve failed because I knew in my mind, heart and gut that it wasn’t what I wanted and as much as I tried to numb myself into wanting the relationship, I couldn’t kid myself.
My point in all of this is that if you withdraw, you will most likely get him to put in more effort, but that will only take you so far. Ultimately, if you want a relationship to be as you want it to be, you need to be true to what you really want.
You need to have a clear idea of what you consider a relationship to be. Attempting to mold a man/relationship into being the relationship you want is a losing battle – progress is an illusion if you want something that he ultimately does not.
Bottom line: Get clear on what you want. Give him space to step up and be that man without manipulating, prodding, hinting, guilting or nagging him to be that man. He will either step into that role or he won’t. No good relationship was ever built on the grounds of manipulation.
How long are you willing to wait before you cut bait and move on? 1 month? 3 months? 6 months?
Some guys need time and there’s nothing wrong with giving a guy time. But ultimately you won’t get the relationship you want unless you’re willing to pull the plug on a relationship that isn’t what you want.
Hope it helps,