Ask a Guy: I Want a Committed Booty Call post image

Ask a Guy: I Want a Committed Booty Call


I want a committed booty call, instead of a committed relationship.

I truly think he’s an awesome guy, but I started the friendship off on the wrong foot by sleeping with him…and his roommate (before him).

I don’t want any kind of serious relationship right now, but I do want “casual sex” with ONE partner. Is it possible that he would be okay with me having sex with him, but not want the clingy relationship stuff?

Am I being a total skank by asking “hey wanna have sex, but you NOT call me and NOT buy me flowers?” I feel like men have booty calls, but women don’t…why can’t I have one? Is it really so wrong? (especially if I am tested clear of STDs and use protection)

Well, I am all for people getting what they want.  If you want to live the dream, then I want to help inspire you.

There are some ground rules to have a consistent booty call though.

We all like to kid ourselves into believing that we have complete control over our emotions and can stick to a plan, but the truth is that a few bad habits can very quickly turn a good booty call sour.  If you want a consistent booty call, you need to make the decision now and stick to that game plan the whole time.  Trying to change the dynamic midway through is a recipe for heartache.

You’ve come to the right place though, I can definitely tell you what works and what destroys a good, consistent, no-strings-attached hook-up.  OK, so the ground rules:

First, you can’t get too familiar or frequent with them.  If you want a consistent booty call, NEVER see them more than once a week.  The occasional text message is fine, but for the most part you should be an infrequent presence in his life and when you’re there, sex is a given.

That leads me to my next point:  Do not act “girlfriend-y”.  One sticking point for me was that I acted too much like a boyfriend to girls I just wanted to hookup with.  As a result, they would want to be my girlfriend and I would end up having to cut them loose – bad situation.  No cute pet names, no heart-to-heart discussions, etc.  Keep your interactions and time together light and flirtatious.

By extension, don’t share your problems with your booty call.  Nothing kills a sex fantasy like reality.  The last thing your booty call wants to be doing is comforting you or playing pseudo-therapist – save it for your girlfriends.

NEVER expect that your booty call isn’t sleeping with other people.  Again you can definitely have a consistent booty call, but I can promise you that there is no arrangement that would stop an attractive guy or girl from taking a sexy opportunity if it came their way.  It’s foolish to think you can have exclusivity without depth… and if you do have exclusivity and depth, you pretty much have a relationship whether you want to admit it or not.

To answer your follow-up question: I don’t think you’re a skank, but I don’t think the majority of our culture (men or women) in the US are as open-minded as I am.

Personally, I am painfully aware of how much women want good sex.  But I am also aware that most women feel an incredible need to get it in a way where they won’t be judged negatively by others or themselves.

Half the time when I’m hanging out with a girl for the first time, the girl will be saying this or that and I will be thinking, “OK honey, whatever you need to say to feel good about yourself in the morning.”  It sounds a little cold, but there’s only so many times I can hear “I normally never do this” or “I promised myself I would only make out tonight, but…”, etc. before I start to get a little cynical about how things are.

Now reading that you might think that I must date skanks, but my “type” is typically well educated, manicured, beautiful, classy and articulate… and usually with a cutting, sarcastic sense of humor.  I just create a space for comfort and openness without judgment as best I can.

And that’s what you should do.  Keep it open, light, comfortable and honest.  You strike me as operating that way anyway, so just stick with it and don’t worry about being judged for going for what you want.

Frankly I’m tired of miserable people who judge others for not fitting into the “relationship categories” they feel others should.  Go for what you want and take what you want – as long as you aren’t intentionally hurting anyone, you’re a good person in my book.

Still… to do what you want to do here, you will need to maintain a certain level of detachment that not everyone is capable of doing.  It would benefit you to look at this as a game to a degree, and if either of you starts walking down the path toward attachment or relationship feelings:  Game over.

Again, trying to turn a straight up booty call into a relationship is a recipe for a lot of pain and disappointment.  Keep it within the guidelines and you’ll enjoy all the pleasure of great sex without those pesky feelings of love and affection. :)

Good luck and hope it helped,

eric charles

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mun1ng

Hi! this may not be related to the topic above, also there may be some cultural differences since I’m in the philippines, but I would love to get your take on my situation. I am still in touch with my ex, we text and he calls me, sometimes very often and sometimes not very often. Sometimes he initiate the contact, sometimes I’m the one that initiates. Recently he was very flirty and was asking all types of situation question like “if he asks me to sleep with him” in short mostly he asks me what will my reaction be or what will I do if we ended up sleeping together without being in a relationship. Last sat, we actually ended up sleeping together. After our tryst he escorted me home and we talked. I asked him about our status since we have already slept together and made it clear that I wanted to be in a relationship with him. He asked me if he needs to answer my question at that moment and if it is possible that we stay as we are and see where it will lead us, and that he doesn’t want us to be together just because of what happened. I dropped the subject and had him go home. When he got home he called me to inform me he got home, we talked a little. Last night he called me and we talked until the morning. I guess my issue is what should I do in this situation and what should I expect?

Reply July 21, 2014, 4:14 am

Bambi

Hi, I just recently stumbled across your blog & love it!
I have been in a casual booty call situation for 3&1/2 years with the same man, we are both very busy & it has worked perfectly 95% of the time. We see each other anywhere from once a week to once a month depending on our schedules. Every year or so we re have the talk to make sure any problems are dealt with, we both do date other people occasionally. I can say this isn’t for everybody but it can work if it’s what you want.

Reply June 17, 2014, 1:00 am

Susan

I have been in a booty call relationship for over three years. The funny part is, I have strong feelings for the guy but would probably NEVER marry him. He likes me and we have a goofy connection with loads of fun, but he said in the beginning that my world is too different from his.
The question would be “when do I end it and why?” I know he could go on indefinitely with the sex. While I’m doing this thing with him, I don’t focus on other men. That could be a bad thing because there is nothing wrong with meeting the RIGHT guy. Sometimes, we settle for HALF a life and fill the other half with whatever comes along.
I am not judging myself or anyone else. It is what it is. We are having fun but he is scared to death of commitment. Evil me. I think that’s cute and don’t WANT him but would love to see him hook up with his soul mate. Before anyone judges me, I was married for 25 years in a semi-rotten relationship that permanently ended the Cinderella syndrome. Likewise, he got burned bad and is playing at that part of life, wishing but scared, a cub and his cougar. Guess our karma meshed and I am trying to help him “grow up” and get over it while I maneuver myself in a similar fashion. Silly grownups do silly things, but at age 50, my advise would be that “silly” needs to be under control, which in this case, it is. There is a lot of room for hurt where there is little experience with life. Get experienced but be in control of your own mind and actions. Hope this helps somebody.

Reply October 2, 2011, 9:32 pm

Eric Charles

Hey I mean… If you like the arrangement right now as it is, don’t sweat it.
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If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. People are going to do (or not do) as they please – you’re not holding him back, don’t worry.

Reply October 2, 2011, 11:22 pm

Maxine

I am so glad that you have these posts because I just saved myself heart ache and distress. I really fall in love and give my all to my true love. I did not yet make love to the man I am attracted to but wants a connection that is sexually based, I don’t want to be in a relationship. The thing about this man is that he is intelligent, handsome, spiritually deep (like me)…he just focuses on sex more than me. I can cuddle and relax with him forever and not have sex. Initially I thought that if I choose to pursue a booty call relationship with him then the love that would grow would make him want a solid relationship pursuant to marriage…but like so many have said that a man desiring that booty call relationship wants that until he meets the one he wants. I am not willing to take that risk and even forfeit missing the one because I am wrapped up in him.

I thought maybe I am ugly or I am doing something wrong…but I am not. But, I get a lot of comments of me being beautiful and sexy so then I think ungly is not the problem. Well, I think he may be annoyed that I shared that info. with hime but I cannot sacrifice any unexpected circumstances. Any way, wish me well!!!!

Reply June 1, 2011, 12:09 am

confused

Can you be FWB with an ex?? I found myself getting jealous, only cuz he did all relationship stuff too. He said I need to learn how to controll my feelings, so does that mean he has them too, he just controls them??

Reply March 30, 2011, 5:40 pm

Janine

No, sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it too with you. Sounds like a typical situation where a guy blows hot to reel you in, charm you, then once you start getting attached, developing feelings, he blows cold to distance himself from you. If he’s not telling and showing you he wants to be with you, he’s not interested in a healthy relationship with you. Period.

Reply June 1, 2011, 12:12 am

Eric Charles

Yeah – I think Janine made a really good comment on the situation. I agree with her.

Reply June 1, 2011, 1:22 am

Sherell

There was a time in my life where I had a constant booty call and it was all I wanted at the time. It went on for about 9 months , maybe 3-4 times a month. When it ended things just kinda faded out. No regrets, just great times and memories.

Reply February 18, 2011, 10:39 am

qns

I mean I was wondering if guys ever want to slp with a virgin and make her the regular FWBs?

Also how should a girl say yes to whtever her FWBs asked for? Including a threesome when she lost her first to him!!

Reply October 16, 2010, 2:40 am

qns

Hi…I was wonderful if guys ever want to slp with a virgin and make her the regular FWBs?

Also how should a girl say yes to whtever her FWBs asked for? Including a threesome when she lost her first to him!!

Reply October 16, 2010, 2:38 am

Eric Charles

Cool. And no worries, I am sincere when I say I appreciate you writing in your comments.
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I think discussion is great and I fully encourage anyone and everyone to make their thoughts known and never feel they have to hold back.
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I wanted to put in my two cents, but the floor is open to everyone to put their thoughts out there.

Reply October 12, 2010, 7:47 pm

Kaitlyn

ok..I have a delima with the whole having a “committed booty call” situation…..It seems like every time that I just want to have sex with a guy they freak out and slowley back off. This confuses me because I thought guys love sex.

I will give you some examples…..

I met a guy at a summer camp, we were both counselors and had a blast together. We decided to see each other outside of camp, and by first “date” we had sex. We would occasionally text each other, but nothing serious. I was perfectly fine with this because I hate relationships anyway. We met up again about a month later and had sex a second time. The very next day he texted me saying “the sex was good, but I just can’t do this anymore”…I was extremely confused, but just left the situation alone.

I met another guy at work and by the first date we had sex, by the second time we had sex he did the exact same thing. Except, this guy said that he didn’t want me to catch “feelings” for him because he didn’t want a relationship. I insured him that all I wanted was sex but he insisted on cutting off the communication.

How do I get guys to understand that I don’t want a relationship?

Reply May 28, 2011, 4:37 am

Stuck with the name "Disagrees"

Now I understand better your role as a writer for Ask a Guy, and I appreciate your taking the time to explain. I see that it puts you in a delicate position, but I commend your work and your willingness to help.

I took advantage of “DISCUSS” (literally!) at the bottom of the article to say what I wanted to. I like your articles, but I also like to read what other people say in response to it, mainly because it makes me look at a topic in a different light and see things I normally wouldn’t on my own. So I thought that maybe other readers might also like to see a different and spectacular (a little self-flattery never hurt anyone) perspective. I didn’t mean to undermine your position, and I hope that was clear from the start. I just saw room for discussion on this topic.

I’m actually quite curious to see other readers’ views on this topic. I’ve known quite a few people who chose to enter the kind of relationship that the person asking the question desires, none of whom, I’m sorry to say, came out successful. Yet it never stopped them from trying again…in vain. I’m just one of those girls who has never been able to look at sex as a game (but not necessarily as part of a long-term commitment either).

Once more, thank you for your time.

Reply October 12, 2010, 7:00 pm

Eric Charles

OK, I see what you’re getting at. I’ll give you my take…
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Thank you for your comments, BTW. I appreciate them.
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There’s a whole spectrum of what a person could be looking for. And there are different times in people’s lives where they look for one thing or another.
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When I write an “Ask a Guy”, I have to walk a tight rope of sorts.
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I can’t impart my own morals, ethics or relationship beliefs onto the other person. I will tell people what is liking to happen as they continue down a certain path, but I will not share my emotional response to their inquirey.
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I need to make sure I am answering their question for where they are at. Different people are at different points in the learning/growth/experience continuum. If I don’t answer their question or, at the very least, lead them from where they are to a more constructive viewpoint, then I am not helping them.
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People need to come to their own conclusions through experience – my role is to give them more clarity in doing so. Whether or not I personally believe that a person can or should maintain a “long-term committed booty call”, it will be them who comes to that conclusion. For me to say anything otherwise will fall on deaf ears – they have made up their mind that that’s what they want to pursue and by the time they come to me, they want to hear what they came for.
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Now, if during my explanation they start to second-guess their original perspective, then the course of action they take might be much different than what they were originally planning. But that change in perspective would have never happened if I did not first answer the question they came for or if I started imparting my morals or relationship ideals on them.
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I understand that in this particular topic you have your own personal perspective and supporting reasoning around why you believe what you do. This response is in no way a disagreement or an attempt to invalidate your perspective.
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I just wanted to make the point of why my articles and answers are stated in the way they are and what I will and will not touch in my responses.

Reply October 12, 2010, 2:48 pm

Disagrees

^ Yes, I can see that the tone was not serious, and the smiley face confirmed that. I definitely don’t see it as a statement of your beliefs on love and affection either. But lighthearted as it may be, that quote summarizes the point of your article — that it is possible to have a purely sexual relationship, and that there are effective ways in which one can handle oneself in order to keep feelings from getting in the way. And while it is not the advice you give (I think you give sound advice), it is this idea of a consistent, purely sexual relationship that I find a bit fanciful. I see the situation of the person asking the question, and your article responding to it, as taking a step away from being human. Our animalistic desires are actually not that animalistic, but that’s a whole other topic of discussion, and I’m not here to debate essentialism.

I just wanted to share my disappointment in today’s culture of “sex with no strings attached,” which concerns my generation of twenty-something year olds. For two people to have such a relationship seems to require some amount of callousness and a level of maturity that I don’t think I’ll ever achieve, and more generally, I think that depriving ourselves from developing feelings (however practical it seems) is just sad.

Reply October 12, 2010, 12:01 pm

Eric Charles

^^ You know that quote was a joke… right?

Reply October 12, 2010, 9:47 am

Disagrees

“A committed booty call” sounds a bit fantastic, whether you’re a guy or a girl.

Here’s where I disagree with Eric. “Keep it within the guidelines and you’ll enjoy all the pleasure of great sex without those pesky feelings of love and affection.”

I think that we — human beings — are blessed with the ability to consciously experience pleasure. And how sad it is that we’re condemned by this ability to be aware of our pleasure! Sex, or the act that involves one person (a being with reason and emotion, as opposed to a sex toy) being responsible for the pleasure of another, is essentially a form of attachment. Of course, some people choose not to call it so for various reasons. That’s just how we are doomed to function.

I don’t want to sound preachy, but what I’m trying to say is that the feeling of attachment or affection is an inevitable part of any sexual relationship, monogamous or not, frequent or not. Some people choose to and are just good at repressing affection than others. Personally, I think nothing is more sad than repressing one’s affection for another. Sure, it makes us vulnerable to pain, but that’s as human as it gets.

Reply October 12, 2010, 6:58 am

Anonymous

I agree. No matter what it starts out as whether its a friends with benefits arrangement or not, someone is gonna catch feelings because sex is extremely intimate. Its easy for guys to say it was nothing, but for a women its letting someone inside their temple so to speak and an attachment forms. And if the sex is really good, naturally you’re gonna want it for yourself lol.

I agree also that people men and women who can have sex with whomever and not feel any emotion are sociopaths and emotionally out of touch with their own emotions and it probably scares them to feel vulnerable.

Reply October 10, 2010, 1:51 am

idiots

How can you have sex without attachment? You’re having SEX!! No wonder these things rarely work out. I think you need to be half-insane for this to work, like sociopathic insane.

Reply September 27, 2010, 3:02 pm

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