Ask A Guy: When a Guy Gives Mixed Messages post image

Ask A Guy: When a Guy Gives Mixed Messages


There’s this guy I met online, through a dating website. We have seen each other 3 times and based on his body language, he seems to be interested. He also suggests future dates.

The problem is, he never says when and he hardly calls me or initiates contact in between dates. What’s going on? Does he even like me or is remotely interested. Maybe he’s treating me as his friend and is playing the field? I do know for a fact that he likes to take it slow, is that it? Please HELP!!!

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

(Note: This Ask a Guy was more of a dialogue – it went on for several e-mails and over a couple of months.  As a result, I didn’t post it until now.  Enjoy.)

eric charles:

My bet is that your intuition/instinct is right that he does like you. What I bet is happening is that he wants you to reach out to him, initiate contact, etc. because it makes him feel good and secure that you like him. He could be really busy or just a little insecure and may want some reassurance.

If you like him, I would say reach out to him a bit but don’t pressure him to commit or talk about his feelings toward you at this point. Just try to show that you like him without bending over backwards or selling yourself out. If he likes you, he’ll start to show more initiation. If he doesn’t, well then maybe he’s not that into you.

Either way, doesn’t hurt to give him a little reassurance and see where it goes.

Reader question (cont’d):

What is your stance on dating websites? My friend is having some trouble with the guy she’s been interacting with online and her depressing story just makes me very upset. She manages to put me into a depressing mood as well because I feel like internet dating is such a taboo that it’s too good to be true if I do find someone.

Remember the guy I was telling you about, well it seems more obvious now that he likes me, but he really is taking things too slow, no kissing or holding hands as of yet, and we’ve been on four dates already. AND! We really don’t talk much other than when we meet up, like no MSN, no phone calls, just texts here and there. I know he’s super busy, because he just got promoted, but if he’s that busy and if he takes his job as his top priority, I can’t imagine what kind of a boyfriend he’ll make.

Should I just drop him or should I keep waiting? Or maybe he’s dating other girls and shopping around? And really, do you believe something good can come out of internet dating?


eric charles:

I believe that you can have a successful relationship with someone you met online. In fact, I know many people who are in relationships with people they met online.

But you have to remember that when you meet someone online and then meet them in real life, you’re really only meeting them for the first time when you meet in real life. Sure, you may have read his profile, exchanged some pithy e-mails, chatted with him online, but the real life meeting is the real meeting because that’s when you see the whole picture.

To cut to the point, if this is how he’s acting in the beginning of the relationship, then this is most likely where the relationship is headed. The reason doesn’t really matter – if it’s not how you want it to be now, it’s a waste of time to wait around for his personality and behavior to miraculously change.

I think there’s a lot to be said for choosing a person that very closely fits what you’re looking for. If you don’t want a guy who’s acting like that… bad match! Choose another… this is the beginning stage of getting to know someone – this is where you need to make your decision as to whether or not they are a good fit for your life. If  not, keep looking. It’s a mistake to think you can meet a guy and change him into something else… I don’t recommend it.

Reader question (cont’d):

So last night I asked online guy if he was free to do something today and he told me that he is going to be super busy for the rest of the month and possibly for the next month. I didn’t know if this was his way of rejecting me so I decided to text him to try and get a straightforward answer.

I basically said I do like you a lot, but I don’t know how you feel about me, I am willing to wait until you’re less busy, but I need to know what you think about me so I’ll know what to do. Two months of not seeing each other after 4 dates is a bit wishy washy and I just need to know how he feels about me, because I honestly don’t know. What’s your take on this?

eric charles:

Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s him basically cutting it off. I’ve seen both girls and guys do it… Pretty much he doesn’t want to hurt you, but he does not want to pursue it any further… It could be for any number of reasons and it is most likely that he is just not in the place in his life that he can give you what you deserve. My bet is that it really has everything to do with where he is in his life, not with anything you did or anything like that.

I am basing this on the fact that he basically said that he’s not going to be available for a long period of time and did not give any type of reassurance that after that period of time you would be together or something along those lines.

He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, but I would say you should make the decision to keep looking and let this one go. Hate to give news that you might not necessarily like, but that’s my take on this situation.

Reader question (cont’d)

He called two nights and said he wants to keep seeing me, so we’re gonna go out in June or so.

eric charles:

Well, that’s more promising then…

If he’s the one prividing a definite time or time frame then things look more promising. Based on that information, I would say that it’s not a lost cause. Hopefully he’ll continue moving in this direction and will be more clear about when he can see you rather than leaving it open-ended. In the meantime, don’t sweat it.

Good luck. :)

Epilogue:

I followed up a couple months later on this one to see how it panned out.  The guy never called.

- eric charles

{ 14 comments… add one }

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DCL May 21, 2013, 1:03 pm

He’s not sending mixed signals, you’re reading into what he is sending. He doesn’t want to date you. Period. Any man that wants to date doesn’t just suggest, he makes firm plans, and follows through. There’s nothing here but games. Move on.

Reply

bootyboot March 1, 2012, 1:33 am

That guy just sounds like a nerd with no social skills. It’s so easy to drop someone online, he was just being a pansy about it. He should have just been honest. She gave him an out, and he was being a tool about it.

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Bre August 10, 2011, 11:16 am

So me and this guy met about a month ago and started dating. And in two weeks we were obsessed with each other and were perfect, but then he told me that we
moved to fast and that i shouldnt be so clingy, so i backed off and he went back to his ex for like four days. And now hes wanting to hangout again and stuff but yet doesnt know
What he wants and says hes having mixed feelings. I like him alot alot alot. And i want him to find me irrisistible and to want me as his girlfriend what do i do!

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Joy May 11, 2011, 12:02 pm

I lived with a guy for a year and one day he decided he needed space and got his own apartment. I was crushed but he said he still wanted to see me just wanted his own place he said a place of our own because I had kids at home still. I got upset and told him if your gonna break our commitiment we have now how can I be with you. we didn’t talk for three months then started texting and talking a little. He asked me to dinner and told me he will always love me and everything seemed to be back to us. Until later I asked him can I stay with you tonight he told me no sorry baby. So we still are talking daily but not like we used to he doesnt respond often, but gets upset if I don’t answer when he calls. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else he said yes. nothing more to that conversation but he calls at least once a day or sends a text. He knows I love him and I feel like he’s keeping me on the back burner!

Help Advice.. I’m torn what to do.

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Smart Payment Plan October 19, 2010, 8:16 pm

Conversely, being too busy can be a turn off to men too. i’ve had many guys tell me i didnt really need them and they went off and found an available, willing and able woman. So its good to be somewhere in the middle of needy and independent.

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Ve July 18, 2010, 7:09 pm

Noo, don’t contact him, everything is so familiar to the word of ”game” here…look for the right one, not the player who knows what to do and what reactions will pick up from you, these ones are really so many, but to continue this dodgy road is useless for you into an end. The best thing is to not jump over the ones who want you to do so. Take care , all the best.

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Mary February 14, 2010, 9:34 am

What Kimberly went through sounds so familiar. Met this guy about 6 months ago. We knew each other in high school. Have had a long-distance relationship going on (which was perfect for me and I thought for him). Saw each other for an intense weekend after 1 month; then again for a great New Year’s weekend. Hours on the phone at night a few times a week — this seemingly amazing connection. He’s saying that we are boyfriend/girlfriend. He’s saying ‘People can tell when people are falling in love’. He and I both call New Year’s weekend perfect. Then return home after New Year’s — no phone calls from him, no response to text or emails. I call him a few times those first two weeks and the conversations are as great as ever – but it’s me doing all the calling. One night he asks what my friends think about me having a boyfriend. Then a few days later – I call and ask him what’s going on – are we on different pages? Since he hadn’t called once in the 2 weeks since New Year’s and since he wasn’t responding to texts/emails (and I’m not talking a million — I’m talking like 4 emails in two weeks and a few texts). He says “yes we are on different pages – you are more into me than i am into you”. And somewhere in his head he had the idea that I was calling him to tell him that I was going to quit my job, move to his town and move in with him. I was floored. I told him I was calling to talk about breaking up. He got a little huffy about women’s lib and why couldn’t i be doing the calling, etc.. Anyway – that was the last time we talked (a month ago). I kept hoping he would call but he hasn’t. I did write him a letter explaining my confusion and what I had been expecting out of the relationship (talking on the phone a few times a week and seeing each other every few weeks) – because there was no way I could call him after he said I was more into him than he was into me. I didn’t think the tone of the letter closed the door completely on my end (I ended it with “I do and will miss you”) — but anyway here it is a month later and I’m still struggling and even though my brain tells me he’s a jerk in a lot of ways – I still like the guy. (This is the first guy I’ve dated in 8 years — since my divorce from a 19 year marriage — which is part of my problem). Anyway – just not sure if he was playing me or if he just panicked. And now I’m going to the same town on a business trip in a few weeks and my heart says i should contact him but my head says NO WAY.

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Sabrina Alexis January 27, 2010, 8:40 am

Oh let me clarify, in boy world, ‘needy’ has a whole different definition. For guys, something as innocent as “why didn’t you call me back” can be interpreted as needy. To illustrate my point, let me transcribe a convo I had with my brother the other day.

Brother: Ugh, my girlfriend is SO needy!
Me: Why?
Brother: Well I was at the library and she kept calling and calling but I was busy so I didn’t call her back until a few hours later. Then she got mad at me and said I should have texted her saying I was busy. She’s so crazy!
Me: That’s not crazy at all, it takes 2 seconds to text.
Brother: I was BUSY, she should have realized I was probably doing something.
Me: Well if you see that your girlfriend is calling you, the right thing to do is at least text saying you’re busy and will call her back.
Brother: That’s ridiculous! Why do I need to text her with an update on my life every 2 seconds?

You get the point!

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Kimberly January 22, 2010, 8:09 pm

Thanks Sabrina for the awesome advice! I definitely need to get over this guy, but whats crazy is that i dont think i was even acting needy! :( but o well… & thanks one again! yall are awesome!

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Sabrina Alexis January 21, 2010, 9:06 pm

I definitely agree with Eric and Dee. To take is further, in the beginning stages of a relationship guys are very fragile and even the slightest indication of neediness can cause them to crumble and panic, i’ve been there more than a few times and never understood why it was happening until my guy friends broke it down for me. Anyway, that’s a little bit of info as to why he disappeared. A guy friend once told me that if you ever have to ask a guy “why didn’t you call me?” it’s a sign that the relationship is on the decline.

I have been in your situation SO many times and getting over it can be tough but trust me, another one will come along. There are so many guys out there, so just get back on that horse, meet people, date, have fun. Definitely do not dwell over this loser who didn’t appreciate you and ran away like a scared little girl when things started to get semi-serious. You will get over this, and then you’ll probably laugh about it and dish out advice to your gal pals when some jerk pulls the same move on them.

Hope this helps!

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Kimberly January 21, 2010, 12:41 pm

Thanks Eric & Dee for your honest advice, i really appreciate it! Well its been a month & i never heard from that guy again.. i still feel pretty down and dissapointed, i cant understand why he would get my hopes and feeling up and just disappear…:( however, i have another question…any tips on how to let this go and move on and quit thinking about him??

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Eric Charles January 9, 2010, 6:51 pm

Hey Kimberly,

I have to agree with Dee on this one… it sounds like he’s not into you anymore. A guy wouldn’t leave you hanging like that for that long if he cared. Hate to be so blunt about it but I would say you should drop him and move on.

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dee January 6, 2010, 3:29 am

Hey girl i hate to be the bearer of bad news but it looks like the guy is just not that into you anymore. If a guy is really interested in you he will make time to text back no matter how busy he is. Don’t waste anymore time on this guy move on and find someone will appreciate how fabulous you are. I

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Kimberly January 5, 2010, 8:15 pm

Eric i have a question….. Iv known this guy for over 6 months, everything was great the first couple of months, we had many awesome dates, but about 2 months ago he has become very distant, he dosent call or text, and i have to initiate contact, and if i text him he hardly textes back. He said he has been pretty busy. 2 weeks ago i asked him via text if were gonna hang out again sometime and he never replied. I havent heard from him in over two weeks. Christmas came and i sent him a little merry christmas text and he never replied back. Im very confused, should i just drop him and move on? sometimes i feel like maybe he dosent want to talk to me but doesnt want to be straight forward and tell me. I really like him, but im getting tired of waiting. Is it also possible that he will come around later or that he will noticed im not texting him anymore? please help! i feel pretty down. :(

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