Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The More He Seems To post image

Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The More He Seems To

I’ve been on several dates with this guy who seems to show more interest and put in more effort when I start caring less. The reason I started caring less is because he was not being that considerate about our plans (i.e. canceling). When I care less, he tries harder and puts in more effort which causes me to  end up liking him more again.

Maybe my situation is unusual, but in general , after several dates, is it okay for a girl ask a guy to hang out sometimes? Or, should she keep letting the guy initiate plans until they are actually in a relationship?

I thought it would be okay for me to initiate plans, but with this guy, but it seems like he cares more when I care less… so another question is: Is that normal or is this guy a screwball?

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

This is a good question. The situation that you’re describing actually illustrates something that I’ve talked about before.

In previous posts, I’ve talked about how when a guy is being flaky, doesn’t text back, or isn’t doing something you want him to do, the worst response is to become needy.

In your case, you weren’t needy – you didn’t make a big deal about it and you backed off when he wasn’t putting in the effort that you expect. As a result, he started putting in more of an effort because you gave him space to do so.

I have to tell you, my e-mail box is FILLED with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a relationship”, etc. The majority of these issues could be resolved by just doing what you did – backing off, giving the guy some space and letting him come to you and put in the effort.

Too often I see girls smothering or nagging a guy when he doesn’t do what they want him to. That always results in the guy becoming more withdrawn. After all, why would he want to commit himself more to a girl who’s nagging him already, right at the beginning of a relationship!

So to answer your question, I don’t think this guy is a screwball at all. Like most guys, he’s probably just figuring his situation out and simultaneously figuring out if a relationship with you is really what he’s looking for. I think he’s a normal guy and I think you are handling the situation well.

Sooner or later he will figure it out and, as long as you’re patient, there’s a good chance he could get into a stable relationship with you. On the other hand, it can take some guys longer than others to figure out what they want, so you need to have a good sense of how patient you want to be.

If you hit a breaking point, there’s nothing wrong with putting your thoughts out there and letting him know where you’re coming from. If you reach that point, just make sure you are clear on what you really want yourself, say what you need to say and be done with the conversation. Don’t drag it out into a conversation that you keep revisiting.

In regards to this guy, you asked if it’s OK for you to initiate plans. In general, there’s nothing wrong with you initiating plans with a guy. However, you mentioned that he shows more of an effort when you “care less”, so I would say that if that’s what works, why not hang back and let him put in the effort.

When it comes to people, it doesn’t matter what you think people should respond to – it only matters what they actually do respond to. If you like this guy, go with what seems to be working best with him – give him space and let him put the effort in. Less work for you, too.

Hope that helps.

– eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

151 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...


Hello! My name is Lulu and I started talking to a guy I met on Twitter. Actually he initiated the greetings. I was a little skeptical at first but eventually I answered the direct message. I found out that he was a divorced just like me. We kind of hit it off. Texting everyday all day and I am becoming acqauinted with each other. He is a gentleman and I’m becoming comfortable with him. I have been divorced for four years and I haven’t dated at all. I’m trying to find myself after being married for so many years I kind of forgot who I was and not used to being alone. I told him that I would be leaving for two months and I don’t know if I would be able to communicate with him until I make it to my destination. I started joking about it and he told me I was acting weird. I told it was a joke! And every since the conversation he’s been kind of distant. He normally texts me early in the morning, while he’s working. Now he’s not texting that much. Our conversations are limited. And right now I am feeling this tug in my chest. I feel like I’m being abandon. I don’t know if its because my divorce or afraid of being alone. I text him and told I wasn’t trying to be weird, but letting him know about what’s to come without fully letting him know the situation. My problem is that I have this urge to call him or text him. And I am afraid to that. I don’t want to come off as “NEEDY” So after reading these article on being needy. His action certainly reflects how he is pulling away. I am not needy in this so called relationship. He calls and texts and I answer. But I am feeling the urge call and text since he’s not doing it as much as before. This long distance relationship is best for me. I’m ok with it. I think maybe it is too much for him on top of me leaving for two months not knowing if we will be able to communicate. But I refuse to constantly call and text; I will fight my urges. I like him very much but I just to continue to focus on myself.

Reply July 4, 2022, 11:38 am


Talked with a guy on a dating site. After 1 week of hit and miss communication the next week he gave me his phone number and told me he was thinking about getting off dating site because all the women he had talked to wanted to live in their past. I gave him my number and asked how he liked to communicate the best. He said talking. I told him i did too. He sent me good morning txt every day and we did a little txting while at work. We both are Christians and have a lot in common. I asked what his ultimate goal was, he stated he wanted to get married again. He asked me i told him i wanted to get married again someday. I asked him if he was the type to meet and if he wasnt attracted to the woman did he talk it out with the woman. He said he thought it took 2 or 3 times being around someone to tell that. I told him i did too however i had met other men and after we ate we both agreed not to meet or talk again. When i met him he told me i smelt good and wanted to know what i was wearing. I told him he smelt good too. He put his hand on the small of my back as we walked into the restaurant. While waiting to be seated he said again i smelt good and put his hand back on the small of my back. Once we sat down he put his hands flat in the middle of the table. I put my cold hands on his hands and he turned his hands over and we held hands for a little while. He picked and said wow i have you hooked you all ready reached to hold hands. I laughed and said no. I was showing you how cold my hands are. We had talked about cold hands warm heart on the phone before we met. Anyways he said the blessing and asked the Lord to keep me safe. We ate, we talked. He leaned forward towards me and i him. He walked me to car gave me a long hug and when we were breaking away i wanted to kiss him and i think he felt the same by look on face. Later that afternoon i sent a txt explaining a txt. He said all is good and have a great eve. At 9 i sent him a txt telling him good night and i hoped he slept well. He replied Ditto and i am working out getting ready for work tomorrow. Monday nothing. I sent a lunch txt said i hope uour having a good day. 4 that afternoon he said he had been home sick and and the medicine he took knocked him out and he was feeling some better. I txtd back telling him i was sorry he was sick and glad he was feeling some better and if he felt like tzting or talking to give me a call. No response. Tuesday morn i sent a txt that said Good morning handsome! Hope your feeling better. A little later he responded he was still alive and at work but still had a horrible sore throat and was going to dr today. I have not sent any msgs at all because i dont want to sound needy, insecure, pushy, etc. Please let me know what you think maybe going on and if i should loose all hope and that this is his way of getting rid of me. I am soo confused. He acted like he was attracted to me. He also deleted his account on the dating site Sunday afternoon after we meet. I did tell him at lunch i had a abusive x husband. Did that send him away. He is 58 yrs old. Please help…

Reply March 11, 2020, 8:13 pm


So I have met a man through a dating app..boy oh boy that was a mistake.. well let’s rewind to the start.

First we started of nice and smooth. He was real gentlemen, but me being a very busy woman..I tend to not check my phone for straight 8 hours or more.. it didnt sit well with him.

Before I started to actually chat with him, I have warned him that my work takes up lots of my time and that he should understand if i didnt reply. He said he understood and he really feel proud of me being busy with my dream. 2nd day, he confessed he love me I was like “wow! That is way too early for that lol” so I told him that it is too early to say that… 2 weeks down the road “he started to say I’m selfish and mean” mind you I have apologised for the delay in response and he carried on saying how he wasted his feelings on me…a woman who is heartless and selfish…saying the moment I achieved my goal there will be no one beside me because I’m just plain selfish. I was super calm and trying to be very polite with him so that we can end it in good note..but he ticked me off the moment he said that he will curse me to be a failure in life and stay forever alone. I know I can go on without talking for few hours but really if you clearly knows that the person you are dating is a busy person maybe you should actually be considerate…

I have tried to talk things out first few days because he always blaming me for not messaging him every an hour saying “just message me for a minute for a day and i will be happy” but then get pissed if I did.

He is the worst man I have ever given opportunity to talk to.. I always give 3 months to a man to show me their true colour and it always work…thank go I dont have to waste 3 months on this guy for he already showed it the first week itself. Lol

Reply December 14, 2019, 1:30 pm


P.S we practically chat the whole night after my work. So that means I do give him time to talk, yes I can be emotionless person I dont feel anything much…if he is sweet I will reply him the same.. I often send pictures but not nudes because I dont do that..just random selfies but he only sent 2 pictures and keep telling me that he isn’t good in taking pictures…and one time he asked me for nudes and I straight up rejected because I dont do that…and he goes on saying I’m just a stuck up bitch who doesn’t care for his feelings or anyone in that matter. So was my action is right? I mean I did break things off and ended up blocking him because he was too depressing and cursing me..

Reply December 14, 2019, 1:55 pm


I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year. And he always says that he is so tired from work and he just wants to relax at home. We live together also but it seems like he just doesn’t want to put much effort in our relationship, he have had some problems with arguing these past couple of months. But I let it all go once I started reading “he’s not that complicated” but I don’t know if it’s too late for our relationship or not. I showed him needy behavior and bagged him about if he even wants to be with me or not and he always says he does want to be with me and it’s like every week I ask him this. But I feel like if he really wanted to be with me he wouldn’t dread talking about our problems. I didn’t realize it was needy behavior before but I do love him. Is there a way I can redeem myself? Or is the relationship over?

Reply July 31, 2019, 6:05 am


People know what they want. And when they want it, they act in it. As far as doing less and waiting, I’m not a fan of using less communication to get more understanding or to get more from someone. She needs to be with someone who matches her energy. If she’s putting in work, and he’s putting in work, then BOOM. They’re happy. But if she is and he isn’t, she should back off and wait? Be patient?!

It doesn’t surprise me that the author of the article is a guy. When ppl do that (become more active when you care less), that gives me narcissist vibes. Not wanting to commit, but still wanting your attention whenever THEY want it. Not cool. Very selfish.

I kind of agree with the author when he says she shud then back off, but imo she should keep it moving completely and not keep letting dude back in because it sounds like he’s playing games. Why should she be forced to wait for someone else to figure out what they want if she KNOWS what SHE wants? And if that’s the case, then being patient is important, BUT AT LEAST YA’LL NEED TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION SO THAT YOU’RE BOTH ON THE SAME PAGE REGARDING NEEDING TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS.

Reply July 24, 2019, 9:09 am


How do you find the perfect balance of showing that you are interested without caring too much?

Reply November 26, 2018, 7:00 pm


I have been seeing Lou for over six months, and have seen several red flags which are bothering me. A few monts back, Lou helped me with moving personal belongings from my living room to to the garage. He saw a t-shirt I have listed online for sale and said, “oh, Ginny would like that top. That’s her style. Yes, Ginny would want that.” I was livid. Going through MY clothes, and there he was thinking of HER – not good. I actually was frozen, in shock, and did not say much, as I was not completely coherent. The next day when I stopped over at his work shop, I saw the plastic bin of mine containing unopened women’s subscription magazines which were to be recycled. They were all laid out to be photographed. I asked what was going on, and Lou said that he was going to take photos of them for me, but he didn’t have my email address…??? Didn’t, and still diesn’t make a bit of sense. Hmmm…Ginny stops in now and then to seemingly let her existence be known. The latest is that I was hired for auto detailing and cleaning vehicle interiors for the local racing team. Lou set me up with cleaning solutions, dust pan, steam cleaner, water, towels, etc. and said he would come back in a while to check to see how I was doing. Well, less than 10 minutes later, here he was, standing with a slightly unusual look on his face, staring at me. I asked him why he was back so soon. He said he wanted to make sure I had everything I needed. I said, “Yes, I do. You were just here a few minutes ago, and I was barely getting started. He replied that he just thought he’d see if I needed anything else, and then said he’d be back in a while…? VERY STRANGE, the look on his face, and the pangs that began before he checked in on me barely 15 minutes ago. Gut feeling was that there was a visitor; and, the anxiousness that I was feeling was the deception that was being deployed to conceal something, whatever was really going on. I was fuming, thinking back and forth about dropping the cleaning items and hi-tailing it up to the shop to see for myself. As I approached the shop, I heard the sound of the shiffleboard pucks and knew INSTANTLY that Ginny was the one being hidden. As I approached, i was calm and greeted them both, then went on to explain the steamer being jammed. It was an odd feeling and knew I wasn’t being let in on the little secret…Why? What is there to hide? …what’s going on?? Why so sneaky??
I was pissed and completely lost my momentum for cleaning. He WANTS her to stop over to visit and play shuffleboard. They are friends and share a 19 year old daughter togeher (why isn’t SHE visiting along with her mother?), and it’s no big deal, or so Lou says…He has no intention of backing off, they’ve been seperated for over 10 years, and she was the one to break it off.
I say that Lou is accepting scraps from her, just enough until the next appearance. This all may sound ridiculously innocent, as it maybe does while I am writing, but something is just NOT right with all of this. I personally have never seen the other two baby mamas #1 & #3, but #2 visiting on a regular basis just smells very stinky to me…!!!

Reply September 10, 2018, 4:09 am


Get THIS —
I decided to break it off with Lou. I told him that I was not interested in continuing on w/this situation, as it appears to me that he can’t let go of BM#2… He then proceeded to try & negotiate w/me. He promised to be totally loyal and faithful physically (sexually) to ME, promised nothing was going on w/her, he does not touch her at all, doesn’t have any sexual contact with her whatsoever…he just wants to play shuffleboard with her whenever she stops by!!!
I said, sorry, not interested in being a third wheel n their cat & mouse bullsh** games.
THEN……he asked, well, what if they be more discreet when they play shuffleboard, they would be secretive, they wouldn’t get together if I was around, only when I am NOT there, and keep it on the down liow, and I wouldn’t have to see them together pkaying SBoard !!! WTF??? Seems to me that is EXACTLY what they ALREADY HAVE BEEN DOING!!! Unbelieveable!!!
WHAT KIND OF BULLS*** is that???

Reply September 10, 2018, 3:31 pm


So my guy and I have been dating for 15 months. He said he wasn’t in a rush because his ex of 3 years just moved out. She messed with him a lot and from my opinion he is now reversing the roles with me. So we see each other once or twice a week and we do a lot of married things, cook, clean, relax, go to dinner, go on his boat etc but he still cant put a label on us. I haven’t met any friends or family and he hasn’t met my friends but my family once. I def put 110% into the relationship and plan most of the times we hang out and there are times he would just rather be by himself. Recently he has become very distant and ignoring texts and calls and not answering until I text again. He says that he doesn’t just ignore me but everyone. He had a wedding a few weeks ago and didn’t invite me. Said he doesn’t like weddings. I find out during that weekend the groom asked if his friend can stay at his place instead of the grooms parents. He didn’t tell me about it or her until I asked more questions. Since then he was distant. When asked more questions he told me everything about her and the weekend and how she was from Colorado and we live in NY. He said nothing happened but I feel like they connected emotionally. I then find out that they stayed friends and have been talking on facebook and I got the feeling he was tell her things and talking to her like he should me. That whole week he was distant and every time, now and in the past I bring up my feelings and not liking to be ignored he get defensive and says stuff like well if you don’t like it you can leave but laughs so I think he’s joking. So one Friday he says maybe we will hang out Saturday and when we are talking Saturday morning and I say let me know later after you help your friends if you want to hang out and no response. I send something later saying I’m out dong things let me know and still nothing. I do notice he is on facebook but ignoring. I also asked is everything ok, are you alive at 7 pm I eventually let my feeling and emotions take over and go straight to its over, he hates me and go to his house. I told him it was because I was scared something happened, my cousin just recently died in a fire, so I am on my toes. He has told me before he hates this and I didn’t listen las time because he was ignoring and being distant. So he said thats it I cant believe u did this we are over. Now I know I should have just made plans and did my thing when I didn’t hear him but I have a tendency to over think and react on things. I really feel like he is the one but had a hard time letting me in and showing me that he cared, like making the effort to hang out. I am so mad at myself for messing up. Am I wrong? What do I do now?

Reply June 18, 2018, 8:48 pm


DO I contact him or let it be and see what happens?

Reply June 18, 2018, 8:52 pm


This guy and i are frnds but he later told me he love me and wanted to start a relationship with me but i fucked everything up by acting needy and nagging and he pulled back which i later gave him some space also by not calling and texting him at all,this went on for like 3months and i suddenly saw his chat telling me its unfair because i dont ask after his well being and this got me confused if he chatted me up because he still av feelings for me or he just did.What should i do.should i call him since he chatted me up already or i should still let him be.

Reply June 6, 2017, 8:38 am


Hi, I met this guy online we had few conversations via text and calls. Then there was no communication between us for 6 months. I approached the guy after 6 months a day we started off as a new. We were supposed to meet but he rescheduled it because of rain and then I had to reschedule due to family problems. Now he says he is busy this week and next week but can meet next Friday for 30 minutes. I am not sure if he is genuinely interested to take things further or not. During this second time, we had conversations about planning our meeting. Initially I used to start conversations but he never did so now I had also stopped and he never texts me first. Do you think I should stop chasing him?

Reply May 23, 2017, 5:42 pm



Reply March 1, 2017, 11:39 am


You are lowering your value by staying with a man like that. He has his cake and eats it to. Improve your self esteem and dump him.

Reply March 3, 2017, 7:39 pm


My boyfriend left 6 wks ago however he did take his clothes or personal things.. He pops up every week but again never take his thongs. Yes i still love him but I know he’s with someone else but why wont he take his things from my house

Reply February 19, 2017, 2:16 pm


Because your his back up. You are not first, drop off his stuff and wash your hands of him.

Reply March 3, 2017, 7:40 pm


Your advice makes absolute sense. I wish I would have read the Am I being needy? sooner. I’m currently in a newer relationship, so new that it’s not official at all. I guess I got used to him always texting and calling that when the switch happened I got worried. Then with the worry I became needy. Is there any way once you have been needy to try and reverse the damage before he has thrown in the towel all together? I will defiantly back off and give him space, but should I say anything to him before I do that? By the way I’m 34 and he’s 39, if age is a factor. Thank you

Reply November 9, 2016, 4:14 am


Hi guys,

I really could do with some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years now we’ve broken up and made up many times. The reason is because he doesn’t give me any attention at first it’s all nice he will talk to me ask to see me make time for me but for some reason when it gets to a few months let’s say 4 months he stops trying and shuts me out. Usually I tell him how I feel and he explains his tired and busy I understand that but lately his been with his friends hardly makes time for me I ALWAYS call him it’s always me calling to see if he is okay I’m so scared of losing him but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore it’s eating me inside same thing all the time he told me hel never hurt me again but he has once again and I messaged him telling him how I feel and to ring me back haven’t heard from him what should I do


Reply November 7, 2016, 5:44 am

Tiffany Riley

Hey I’m really into u have been for a long time please call me. What does this mean.

Reply September 10, 2016, 9:53 am


Hi. My bf and I have been together for a little over 3 months. Lately. He’s been really stressed out. He’s got some legal issues going on and may or may not go to prison. No. It is nothing drug related. This morning he had court. He texted me later in the day, and told me he wanted to be left alone, and that he doesn’t know if he’s going to come home or not. He said he’s been walking across town and back and refuses to let me pick him up because he wants to be left alone. I have really bad anxiety and I also suffer from major PTSD and it is hard for me to act like I do not care. Especially when it comes to him. When we first got together, we saved each others lives. We were both leading a dangerous lifestyle that had potential in killing us both. But, we met, hung out, started dating, and helped each other. Should I be concerned when he’s telling me to give him space? Or that I’m crazy for caring so much?

Reply August 25, 2016, 4:51 pm


My boyfriend doesn’t seem to show any attention to my feelings, he makes me send him pictures of me and I do it for him, I ask him for pictures of him his answer is always a no. He asks for my instagram password and I give it to him, I ask for his and all he says is a no. He makes me cry sometimes because he isn’t considerate about my feelings. He just simply hangs up on me everytime he thinks he hears me cry, happens almost every night, I ask him if he cares about how I feel and most of his answers are “I don’t know” “I don’t care” “whatever ” “I guess”. He gets mad when I don’t reply quickly but when he takes forever to reply and I nag him about it he gets mad at me. I always tell him how I feel but he just says “ok, goodnight bye”. I’m always asking him to be sweet to me because I’m a very sweet and affectionate person. But he just says he gets annoyed when I ask that. Sometimes I just give him space, and when he gets mad and I just let it go he just says to me “grow some balls and stand up for yourself” and when I do he just gets more mad at me. I don’t understand how he is. I try to make things work I let my pride aside when we argue but he doesn’t make that effort for me. I don’t understand maybe I’m over exaggerating. Please I need some advice. Thank you I appreciate it so much.

Reply June 15, 2016, 12:38 am

Samantha Church

Advice: Break up with him. Love yourself.

Reply July 3, 2016, 11:18 pm


Dear Lony: This guy sounds like a total jerk. It might not even be he doesn’t care about you like you want–it sounds like he’s just a rude, uncaring person in general! Move on and work on healing your wounds before you date again. Hopefully you’ll find a guy who doesn’t make you cry yourself to sleep. Good luck :)

Reply July 19, 2016, 12:34 pm


I feel like if a guy doesn’t text back, cancels plans, or waits a long time to schedule plans, he is not worth it. One strike and he’s out. To me neediness is sticking around with a guy who lacks quality and hoping he will change. Judge all his actions and make a decision. A lot of guys like this are selfish and may never change. Walking away is the best thing to do (that’s your power). Most of these types are just boys and and have very low standards for themselves. And if he really deserves it, schedule a date with him, don’t show up and ghost his ***.

Reply May 28, 2016, 12:29 pm


Dear Alex: Despite the fact that I feel if two people are really into each other, they wouldn’t have to play games…I don’t really think after ONE time, you know that the guy is a jerk. Sometimes a behavior (like him cancelling a date) is a one time thing. (If he abuses you even once, obviously move on.) But I personally think ghosting on him, even if he’s done it to you, is petty. Be the bigger person and just break up. Don’t sink to his level in the process. You’re better than that.

Reply July 19, 2016, 12:43 pm


I dated aguy for 6 months.he filerted with girls who were my enemies.I asked him for many times not to do so he always said ok and he didnt filert for about one month but after it he satrts to filrt.finally he take thosee girls for a piknik which I told him I cant come and he promised that he wont take them there but he did.I asked him not to talk to them anymore and chose between me and them one he said that i choose you but after that he didnt talk to me and those girls for about one month but now he satrts talking to them but me.He doesnt text me any more but he answeres so nice.should i keep texting him or give him some time may be he will text me him self first?

Reply May 1, 2016, 7:26 am

Let's get real

I met a guy on a dating site. Things seemed to be going well (3 mo in) We agreed to be menogomous. After 2 1/2 months he was still on the website. Asked and he agreed to take it down. Saw a text on phone, no I didn’t purposely look he opened his text message center, there was a girls name. I didn’t say anything until now. It’s a married with kids x girlfriend that he texts looks like constantly asked he said nothing going on. I asked if her husband knew they texted often and he said he didn’t know. I thought that was a red flag. I wrote him a text and said it probably wasn’t ok if he didn’t know. I said other crap as well that what if she had feelings and was he sure it was on the up and up. He pretty much stopped talking said he is sick. I went into needy mode and he said we would talk we he felt better and that it probably wouldn’t go so well right now he is irritable. It’s been 4 days. Should I just move on or wait. I’m a bit angry that he didn’t know if the husband knew or not thought that was a bit shady. I could’ve approached it differently but I kinda thought it was self explanatory that married women rarely talk to men on the daily that aren’t their husband, right??

Reply April 21, 2016, 8:03 pm


I have this guy that I really love and care about, but he confessed to me that he doesn’t love me again after I broke with him once due to the way he was not responding to the relationship again. I have tried all I could to make him realise how much I sincerely love him, but feeling is not there again. Please what can I do to have him back? He seem to be the only guy I am loving after a very long time. Please help me.

Reply March 11, 2016, 5:13 am


I have this guy that I really love and care about, but he confessed to me that he doesn’t love me again after I broke with him once dye to the way he was not responding to the relationship again. I have tried all I could to make him realise how much I sincerely love him, but feeling is not there again. Please what can I do to have him back? He seem to be the only guy I am loving after a very long time. Please help me.

Reply March 11, 2016, 5:11 am


I say ditch that loser for good. You shouldn’t have to play games to get attention, especially at the beginning of a relationship! It’ll never last. He’ll lose interest one way or another if ignoring him is what it takes for him to remain interested. That means he’s only interested in the chase, not necessarily in you. Don’t take the bait. Leave him. There are many more affectionate, amazing guys out there who aren’t so coy and stupid.

Reply February 27, 2016, 7:49 am


Hey Eric

I would greatly appreciate any advice. I met a guy on Tinder. We met twice and hit it off so much so that he ended up staying in my place the 2nd date.he has been txt and keeping in touch I told him straight if we could just get to know each other and take it easy that I wasn’t looking for a hook up but a relationship and he said same here. Obviously that was before we done the deed. I txt he one day when I didn’t hear from him to say thinking about you and he txt the next day to say his grab had died so I phoned him he said I was v sweet. He has kept in touch by txt but hasn’t initiated any other dates. So after he txt me the Friday I just said have a good wknd he replied you too sexy what are your plan’s his plans were working sat and Sunday was his nephews I replied going out sat and meeting up with a friend Sun.he then said where are ya going hun are you heading into town. I replied probably I’ll play it by ear. So at this point I was annoyed he didn’t make plans to see me so sent him a txt that night to say can I ask you a question. No reply so I sent another txt an hr later to say hi your a lovely guy but I’m not looking for a txt buddy I’m eventually looking for a boyfriend. I’m going to take that as a sign your not interested. No hard feelings. I wish you all the luck in the world in your search. I haven’t heard back and its two days. What should I do? I’m nearly 40 and don’t want to be wasting time if he’s not interested. I initiatives the 2nd meeting well I said I was going for a walk if he wanted to join me and he said yes. I said I’d buy him a drink. The chemistry was amazing

Any advice would be great!

Thanks so much

Reply January 18, 2016, 3:50 am


If a guy tells u, love u first! Than he knows u are with another guy! But we will call him doe.doe has know me for years and hes big deal! Iam white! But we have been friends.we hadnt seen each other for a really long time.until in a store one day.i would see him around and i found myself really liking relationship with john the one who i have been with 4 years hasnt been great but we still together.doe and i see still see each other.but doe says he dont want a girlfriend and he does love me.but yet he doesnt like me with john.but let me tell u not sleeping around with a good woman.not! But i find myself wanting to be with doe but cant break it off.we have alot in com and its perfect but my heart tells me hes not going to change.hes 50 but i know him very well.thru work his family.i love him and i know we would be great.i dont know if its cause im with the other guy.but doe knew up front and now he doesnt like it.he will say, we cant do nothing or u cant stay long or if i was your boyfriend u have no time for me.i just dont get it! Doe got upset and again told me he doesnt want a relationship.cause he doesnt like to be asked where he is or anything.i ask is there another girl.if so bi.but he says hes not that way.he has called and text alot but he will back off too and i dont hear from him3 days a week.than he will get mad and turn it on help please!

Reply January 5, 2016, 12:24 pm


I do get this and have done this but unsure if it is the guys am meeting or just me they don’t tend to make more effort at all!! I think it depends on the guy.

Reply September 18, 2015, 5:06 am


Hmmmm me to!I dont see that!just think the same guy who left you devasted and broken to reach his free space to do nothings! some simple rulles would change him to a nice lover who is into you forever!and then it s no matter you are near him all the time,eating,washing,showering,sleeping,waking up,spending the vacation,traveling,go on and on!he d been freaked you out for more texting and caring!!after marriage you are in his throat and never mind,bcauz you just prepared a sitution that idiopathically turned him on!!!they r stupid!let s get them it!no adaptions!! only let s give it up now!!!

Reply August 1, 2015, 11:22 pm


Wow iv been very confusing about all things about men,but,now we couldnt talk about equal issues between men and women, obviously all of us,who is following her man,either are you,as a love coach,,have been preferd mens role,as dominant gender,who are a worth objects,we should play an artfully accurate role to attract them????i d been thought for many years that only womn who d been done these things toooo faulty is me????but i v passed them,scoring 3 bad break up,now i want to be with my handesome bisex bf,and on the other hand making some innocent!tricks to ruin my ex!!kidding????,thanks for your execelnt guidelines i wish if i read these several years ago,not at 34yo from an ancient country on the middle east(is there any relation?), would you please tell me if i do these methods for an bisex man who is loving another guy or not;;regardssss??????

Reply August 1, 2015, 10:34 pm


Hi Eric,
I have been dating a nice guy for a few weeks (about once a week), and I am a little confused. He keeps texting me the question “what are you doing?” (as in right now). That happens sometimes once a day – in the evening . I reply and sometimes this is where the conversation ends. Is he keeping tabs on me? Does that means he cares? I never complain about it or ask him why he wants to know, but I am curious. will be happy to hear any thoughts you have,

Reply June 16, 2015, 12:55 am


Hey ive been dating my boyfriend for 5 months now he works fifo wich mean fly in fly out for work we go out on meny dates together and we enjoy each other company one of my concern is ive not meet any of his family also in a month his going away to america for 2 months this concerns me.

Reply May 14, 2015, 1:47 am


Hi Eric, I am in a similar situation. I’ve been dating this guy for about two months and everything seems going pretty well. When we are together, he is so much into showing affections, including when we are on our day dates. Even when we are alone. In fact I feel that our dates are progressing from him not bein comfortable for me to stay over to finally is fine with me staying the night. What bothers me is that he would not text or call me other than to make plans and for the past two weeks he hasn’t been contacting me at all for days. What is up with that? Should i just leave him alone? But for how long? And how do i know if he is just playing around or trying to figure thingns out?

Reply April 28, 2015, 10:25 pm


I have left comments on a few of your articles hoping to get some input on a question I have. Why do men cheat? What might I be doing that drove him into ano another’s arms ( or bed I should say). I have been living with this man for 2 years and recently found out that he has been cheating on me throughout our entire relationship, with not only 1 woman but 2. One of them being his ex. Every time he says he is going out of town for work I found out he is seeing her. I feel so stupid! Please help!

Reply April 6, 2015, 12:32 pm


Hi Eric, I need some advice/help?
I’ve been seeing this guy for 4/5 months now and we are literally best friends, spent much of our time together and were good friends before hand too until he told me he was really into me. Hardly any conflict between us and if there was we were able to talk it out with each other.
But just recently he told me that him and his ex (who he dated for over a year but broke up due to no special spark anymore) have agreed to be friends and they met up not long ago and he found that his feelings for her have come back. After they broke up he gave chances at the relationship again and being friends but she didn’t make it work, now he’s stuck between the two of us who are absolutely infatuated with him but at the moment he cant give me and him another attempt because of mixed feelings and says that we will always be friends what ever the outcome but he seems to now be spending time with his ex.
I was talking to his mum the other day and she says that when hes with his ex he doesn’t look as happy compared to when you were around and she also says that hes looking at grass he thinks is green when its not, so she hopes that he figures out the more reasonable choice and is quietly supporting me….(sounds clique I know)
I’ve told him how I feel and that I’m wanting to keep him in my life (yes I sound stubborn) and we’ve been able to catch up and still hang out like we used to almost. But he still doesn’t know what to do/choose because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
I’m wondering if giving him space and not contacting him for a while will have an affect on him and make him realise he’s missing me from his life or just make him want to see me more. It’s still early days and he needs time to decide what to do, and I need to help myself as well to get through this and maybe help switch on his feelings again as he is indecisive. So would going off the radar for a while work? Or is there something else that might work


Reply March 21, 2015, 2:46 am


Hey Eric I would like some advice/help?
I’ve been seeing this guy for 4/5 months now and we are literally best friends, spent much of our time together and were good friends before hand too until he told me he was really into me. Hardly any conflict between us and if there was we were able to talk it out with each other.
But just recently he told me that him and his ex (who he dated for over a year but broke up due to no special spark anymore) have agreed to be friends and they met up not long ago and he found that his feelings for her have come back. After they broke up he gave chances at the relationship again and being friends but she didn’t make it work, now he’s stuck between the two of us who are absolutely infatuated with him but at the moment he cant give me and him another attempt because of mixed feelings and says that we will always be friends what ever the outcome but he seems to now be spending time with his ex.
I was talking to his mum the other day and she says that when hes with his ex he doesn’t look as happy compared to when you were around and she also says that hes looking at grass he thinks is green when its not, so she hopes that he figures out the more reasonable choice and is quietly supporting me….(sounds clique I know)
I’ve told him how I feel and that I’m wanting to keep him in my life (yes I sound stubborn) and we’ve been able to catch up and still hang out like we used to almost. But he still doesn’t know what to do/choose because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.
I’m wondering if giving him space and not contacting him for a while will have an affect on him and make him realise he’s missing me from his life or just make him want to see me more. It’s still early days and he needs time to decide what to do, and I need to help myself as well to get through this and maybe help switch on his feelings again as he is indecisive. So would going off the radar for a while work? Or is there something else that might work

Thanks, I just need to get through this in a stable condition and hopefully end up with the best outcome or a miracle

Reply March 21, 2015, 1:14 am


Sorry for all of the typo’s in my earlier reply!! The word “woulds” should read “wounds”. The other typo’s aren’t, I hope, as egregious as that one. Typing on phone in bad light is not a good idea!

Reply February 12, 2015, 5:32 pm


I have been in a simulate situation with 2 different men who literally have woo’d me with incredibly overt messages of my being everything they ever demeaned of (both knew me quite well before the wooing started), then sending me incredivky painful messages EVERY time I felt comfortable and content in the relationship. Usually the messages were something to do with them having had an intimate meeting or two with some other wonderful woman who, oh by the way, was QUITE taken with them! Sometimes it was shockingly cold-hearted answers in really intimate moments like, when, after 8 months of “intimate” relationship, I excitedly mentioned that I would love if the two of us could join a group of people we know on a trip to South Anerica, he said , “im not interested in going to South Anerica,” but when I mentioned that this other woman (in whom he has sworn up down and sideways not to be interested ) was going, he said, ” Oh! Sylvia’s going? I think I will try to arrange it!” Anyway, if every time you lean in, he leans out and em when you finally get hurt enough to lean way out, he woos you with convincing desire for nothing but you, you likely have a guy with attachment issues. Read about attachment, show him the literature. Don’t try to “fix” him. It leads absolutely nowhere but more pain for you. Unless he gets serious therapy and faces whatever woulds he has, he is not going to be more emotionally stable NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR HOW LONG YOU WAIT. I promise you it is a very very sad problem, only to be made sadder if you let him act it out on you over and over again. Please read about attachbent disorders. They are not hopeless, but you playing along with the push-me/pull-you will only continue the problem.

Reply February 12, 2015, 5:26 pm


Also, she said they were on SEVERAL dates, not that it was the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes I question Eric’s true agenda.

Reply January 18, 2015, 1:00 am


Agreed. If he’s only down when it’s his plans and not yours, he’s using you for his convenience. It’s never cool when folk give you their attention on their terms because it’s really you cartering to them, but it takes two to tango.

Reply January 18, 2015, 12:50 am


Okay Eric I need help
There’s this guy i have liked for a year and when I asked if he liked me he didn’t say yes or no so 2014 comes along and he finally said yes and the reason why he didn’t say it last year was because he didn’t want to ruin a great friendship but at the same time he wants me a lot and when he told me all these things it was on s weekend so it’s Monday and I see him but he doesn’t talk to me It looks like he’s trying to avoid me then that same day I texted him saying “hey I didn’t see you at lunch I was gonna go and sit next to you so we can talk” and all he responded was “I don’t wanna talk” I was surprised and ask “did I do something wrong?” and until now he hasn’t replied and I was thinking of just letting him be and with time he will come to me but is that the right thing to do???

Reply November 3, 2014, 7:43 pm


I have been seeing a guy off & on for about 2yrs. I really feel he’s my soulmate.He is a self confessed player that I think is in the middle of a transition.He says he knows we will be happy when we are together, but he’s not ready. I believe he is telling the truth because he’s always been honest with me even if it was something I didn’t want to hear. I really want things to move forward, however recently he has really backed off physically saying he doesn’t want to use me. He wants to do things right when he’s ready. He is having a hard time financially and I think his self esteem is low. He still flirts with me when I see him (we work in the same building) and he still says he’s gonna marry me that he knows we belong together. I have never felt such intensity and he says the same and always has. He says if he was playing games with me he would have been gone a long time ago and he just want’s to be ready because if he isn’t and messes things up with us when we are together he will never recover. He says he loves me and he just needs to get his head together. He also has issues with his mom having to move in with him and he is having to deal with her and her health issues. He has a lot going on right now. I know we belong together. How can I motivate him to make a move toward us being a couple?

Reply October 23, 2014, 5:13 pm


Question. I have been dating this guy for four months so he asked to spend the night i told him no because i was at my girlfriends house. He gets jealous and thinks im at another guys house. Well i reasure that i am at a friends house. Next thing i know he stops answering my text. So i told its over. Now he keeps comes around. so when i text him again he doesnt respond. What is going on??? Im confused.

Reply September 18, 2014, 9:14 pm

Jeffery yeager

Okay question. Does this work the othe way around? Like with a woman. Should I, after putting in a shit ton of effort to repair old messaed up things I did. Always initiating contact and hangout and stuff. Should I wait to see if she will. I mean she knew I had 2 interviews today and hasn’t even asked to see how they went lol.

Reply August 18, 2014, 8:09 pm


I met this guy while buying a car. igot his number and and i ask him if he was single he said yes. we have been talking now and then. i always texted him first, i told him i was looking for a relationship, but he said he just got out of a “serious” relationship in may and was looking for fun and go out and wanted to take things slow. a few weeks later i asked him to go to the baseball game with me and he said yes. he was a total gentleman. we didn’t stay long at the game because it was about to rain. we went for a drive then we went to watch a movie at his place. we spend most of the time kissing, cudleling and playing. we both has so much fun. after he drop me off home he text me that he had an amazing time. but it has been about 4 days now and i haven’t heard anything from him. i don’t want to be the one who always text him first. should i text him? or what is going on?

Reply August 5, 2014, 3:39 pm


I met this guy completely randomly, (convo started when i mentioned i knew someone in his family) and he found me online and casually asked questions like am I single – which I answered yes but not at that point in life for relationship, I’m a bit hesitant, then we started texting and he’d called and and asked me if I wanted to hang out when he came home ( lived a few hrs away)… He called again a week later to chat…?As soon as he came home he texted and asked when we were hanging out and we made plans for the following day… It was a lot of fun, all the signs were there but I was still awkward… He text the next night and asked of I wanted to hang out again next time… I said yeah and we continued to text.. The next time he came home he asked to hang out twice but both I was working… Again, text here and there and finally I asked (it’s been 2 months now) if he was still up for hanging out sometime… He said he would but he has a girlfriend now… What happened? Was it because I in the beginning said I wasn’t ready for anything or did he just lose interest or what?

Reply August 4, 2014, 8:41 am


Well, there is difference in being needy and comitment, men who wants comitment and those who are scared of comitment. the guy is rather ‘too much’ into me or he isnt because he feels i might be too much. and as guys get older, after 35 thers two types of them: those who talk about family on second date, and those who are emotionally unavailable. lol.
keeping reasonable distance by having your life, hobbies is normal, but these games ‘mouse and cat’ belong to those who are imature, insecure, dont know how to love someone, damaged items by years of using others and themselves.
so lets say to play this game with him, let him be the cat (altrough woman shouldnt force herself into mause position as its degrading towards women) , how long do you think u can play this game with him? what will happen when he ;wins’? how much sure can u be that he will comit and stay with you ? noone! and once you pass 30 you can’t waste time with men who likes to play instead of acting like real men.even these games become boring after while. and who lose? of course you! you might become divorced 35 years old woman with two kids looking desperately for any man, and he can play game with another mouse over and over. and he will. he is immature, childish, not able to have loving relationship, not thinking in deep level looking under surface, he wants a trophy. he will get divorced at least once, leaving kids behind him, maybe another things like loans, mortage, your empty bank account…then when he will become 45 his testosterone level will rapidly get down as his body, and then sudenly he will want ‘serious love’ and his genes, then you see him in his 60 trying play with 10 years old child and getting ****** at whole world. these men are empty boring souless dangerous creatures lol, i feel sorry for them. i wont waste time and energy for those.
if you are wilth him 6 months , are both more than 25 and he still needs to play game then move on. or you will be unhappy. these men are not good husbands and no good fathers. only good in ******* like dirty slugs.

Reply June 25, 2014, 7:45 pm


god bless that mouth!!! :D

Reply June 22, 2015, 12:23 pm


So I’m seeing this guy in his early 50’s.He is a real nice guy. The one problem I have is that he never asks me about my life or his for that matter. If I don’t initiate the conversation, it doesn’t happen. He says what do you want to know? He told me he is a here and now kind of guy. I am not sure exactly what that means. I am torn, he is sweet but I am very frustrated with the lack of communication. Is he shy, socially inadequate? When I address this he then talks. Where do I go from here??

Reply June 13, 2014, 7:24 pm


Hi Eric

This one really touched me and I think it is a really good advice and id love to
Apply this in my current situation now.and being needy I will try not too…
Love all your advices such a huge help…

Love lots

Reply June 3, 2014, 7:02 pm


Hi Eric,
Im in love with a guy for about 6 months,at first everything was ok, that is text, calls etc..then gradually he become distant…thats hurt me a lot,one of my friend told me to care less for him and i did try this trick,sometimes it works and smetimes it doesnt,i gave him space,try not to care…i just dnt understand what to do?

Reply June 3, 2014, 12:46 am


Men seem to get to many passes! I dated this guy 4 wks. everything was great, he even said he was deleting his dating profile. Awe…right now he is working way more and barely texts me, says our time together right now is limited for awhile and wanted us to be on the same page and at first I was upset and texting him,tried talking to him. Me talking to him after 4wks is a waste he either wants you or doesn’t. I decided I’d keep him there but I will focus on dating other people, not be available! Let’s see if this works! Eric do you think this is the right move? I read your column every morning so I know you give great unbiased advice:)

Reply May 27, 2014, 11:39 am


This is a good article. I have a problem with neediness…I get really anxious if I don’t hear back from my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a month and things have started to even out after a very feverish crush phase for a few weeks…I’m really lucky. I can say things to him like: “I’m feeling insecure…” and “I want this in our relationship…” and he responds. But lately he’s been doing his own thang…and I realize I have to just let him do it. So what…he’s not a serial lover towards me like he was right at the beginning…but he has a son and just started a new job. My expectations shouldn’t be based on if I feel anxious. In fact I was going to play games today…not text him until he texted me. Well he starts his new job…I decided screw that I will just tell him good luck like a good friend. I know he appreciates it. So he’s not texting me 25 times a day anymore and cooing to me…but he came over 2 nights ago and made me his special burgers and we had amazing sex…we have travel plans down the road. He tells me how hot he thinks I am. He let me get mad at him for something. He’s my friend…..and well yesterday I decided to go out with my girlfriend and he was texting like crazy…wanting to know where we were. LOL!!! So yeah, the compliments and lovey-dovey stuff is dissipating…I’m going to try to have appreciation for those times he does do it and be as secure as I can be. I f***ing love him.

Reply May 9, 2014, 9:09 am


I’m so stuck.
I have been talking to a guy for about two years. The first couple of months he kept insisting we hang out. During this I was going through depression and it didn’t get better it was getting worse. I decided to move to Las Vegas, we kept in touch the longest we wouldn’t go without talking was probably couple of weeks. I was in Vegas for about a year or so, I moved back to California and he was really happy about that. I was so insecure, so lost, so unhappy I really didn’t want him to see me like that. I was a wreck. We still talked and it did seem to bother him that wehaven’t hung out. He would ask what is keeping me from seeing him trying to figure me out. I was so confused about myself but I know for a fact I want him. I bailed on him so many times I lost track. So when I was slowly getting myself up I asked to hang out but he also bailed on me a few times he said he wanted me to feel how he felt when I’d bail. Okay I understood that I didn’t really get mad. Again the longest we wouldn’t talk was 2 weeks. We would talk like we were going out all cute and stuff (no sexting) just recently he told me he just wants to be alone that he isn’t happy and doesn’t care to try anything right now but would alwaysgo for me. That’s all he pretty much said I tried talking to him about it and nothing. So after we just stopped talking and a few days ago he texted me and asked how I was doing. I told him I was doing good how was he doing and he didn’t reply. I would sti love to stay friends with him have him in my life some how.. It’s so frustrating. I know he probably thought I was messing with his feelinga but he just needs to understand I was in a horrible place at the time. Please help. Why didn’t he reply back? Did he even like me? What should I do?

Reply February 26, 2014, 4:08 am

Angelica B

So at first I met this guy at college and he was pursuing me like crazy. We didn’t have sex but would do “stuff” We live right next door to each other and at first I didn’t like him at all, I didn’t want to talk to any guy but he wouldn’t leave me alone about getting to “know me” and asking me why I wouldn’t talk to him or give him a chance, it took weeks for me to actually start liking him but I felt part of it was forced because I initially did not want him. He would always say he was trying to “cuff” or in other words make me his girl and we seemed like the whole package after a few months except for the title. We never went out together, and when he would see me with another guy he would get really upset and jealous. One day he was about to fight this guy I was with at this party, he then wouldn’t let me go so I pushed him away from me. Things between us like this have been weird ever since I had the “relationship” conversation with him just asking if he wanted one at all just seeing where his mind was. At the moment I didn’t want one but down the line I would have wanted one, whether it be with him or someone else. He said he didn’t want one but still has the nerve to keep acting like we’re in a relationship, getting mad at me for the smallest things and ignoring each other for days, cuddling the next then me cursing him out the next day, hitting him and getting mad. What the hell is going on?

Reply December 25, 2013, 11:42 am


It’s flattering when a man puts up a fight for us but dont be fooled into thinking he loves you. If he has made it clear there is no relationship, don’t try and force one, keep dating as it makes you very un-needy. If you dont, he wont take any responsibility for your heartbreak later down the line and say I told you I didn’t want anything

Reply June 18, 2014, 8:45 pm


There should never be all the ups and downs and wondering what he thinks. If a guy likes you, is into you, wants to be with you he will be… And why give anyone that much power. I will NEVER EVER wonder or put myself through the hell Ive put up with because no man is worth tears like that! The only tears a woman should cry over with or about a guy is tears of absolute joy! Ladies if he plays games run away dont walk run !!! A guy should be good to you make you happy make you a better person and you the same to him so if thats not going on dont wonder just get out b4 it hurts

Reply December 18, 2013, 3:39 pm


Bottom line the only lesson learned by me is if a guy is into
You and he wants to be with you, he will. There is confusion for one reason only. Hes not into you. When I wrote the above post I didnt want to beieve he was very much into the sex, very much into me but what he didnt want was more or commitment or a relationship . So I ended it, even told him we were no longer friends. And the completely turned around…… But it is too late, even thoigh I tried to hold on Im do e to hell with game playing…. Sorry but screw that! He isnt good e enough

Reply December 18, 2013, 3:19 pm


Okay, so here’s my question:
I have also found the “if I care less, he cares more” observation to be absolutely true. As a woman, I have been taught all my life that it is important to let the guy pursue you. And after years of observation, I can’t say that I disagree with that approach/philosophy. But my question is: What happens when he “catches” you? It seems to me that – even if a girl was uninterested in the beginning and the guy had to pursue her to pique her interest – at some point, the guy will be successful. The girl will turn around and say, “Okay. You’ve got my attention. I like you.” Now what? The guy has his prize: The girl’s attention and devotion. So now does he stop trying? How can any relationship work this way? (this is more a rhetorical question, because I see successful marriages around me every day. I just can’t figure out how they work if guys are supposed to be hunters by nature. Doesn’t marriage or a committed, exclusive relationship mean that the hunt is over and now the guy will start looking for new prey?). So I guess my question is, once he catches you (ie: you finally sit up and take notice of him and both you and he now know that you have feelings for him), how do you keep the relationship going? I should think it would be exhausting for any woman to play “hard to get” for the rest of her life.

Thanks for any insight,

Reply October 6, 2013, 9:13 am


I know my response is late but maybe it can help someone else.

There are two types of men Players and Futures
Players love the chase
Futures love the woman

If a man needs to pursue in the beginning I see that as OK but if he still needs you to pull back and show the least interest while in a relationship, that’s a huge red flag that he only gets a thrill chasing what he can’t have. It’s a self esteem issue on his end.

Date the guys who want to get to know you, who do things for you, who are prepared to wait to have sex with you (when you are ready), who are interested in a future with you.

There are so many great men out there why settle for a player and have your heartbroken

Reply June 18, 2014, 8:50 pm

Eric Charles

Well said, Simstar.

Only the very worst men “love the chase” because to them, you are just an objective to be completed… a goal to be achieved… a score to be scored.

To someone who’s head is in that place (and thankfully, that’s the minority of people), there’s no amount of “chasing” that is going to make an “objectifier” interested in YOU. You’re not going to transform their entire worldview… to someone afflicted with that mentality, their whole life is a game of trying to extract happiness from ego… it is a hollow, lonely, empty world.

You have to ask yourself though… are you objectifying him? Are you building a fantasy in your mind of how you want things to be? Are you looking at him like he holds the keys to your happiness… and, in turn, trying to coax, prod and influence him to do/be what you want him to do or be?

If you are, what you’re doing is no better than what he’s doing…

Relationships are like music… they happen in the moment, right as you’re experiencing it. You cannot possess a relationship (or a person) because you cannot possess an experience… you can only experience it as the flow that it is in the current moment.

So stop worrying about your relationship as if it’s some “thing” to worry about. Stop fearing that you could lose it, as if it’s some “thing” that could be lost.

Listen to the music as it is… how it feels in your body, right in those moments, and realize that that’s all that it is…

There is no future… there is no “thing” to be gained… there is only the music, as it’s playing, and your experience of that music.

Reply June 19, 2014, 12:44 pm


ok i have had my herat broken like thousand times then this guy came into my life aware of my past heartbreaks and promised to not break my heart. Didnt want to give in to him beccause i was scared he wuld break my heart but he insisted he wont so at the long run i gave in to him. We are now just two months old and it has been hell. He sint the caring guy i met. Just two weeks ago he completely avoided me. He says things like he regrets coming for me and that i am so annoying and too emotional and submissive. I admit that i can be very emotional. He has the picture of his ex-girlfriend as his phone display picture. Told him in a calm way i wasnt comfortable with that, he got angry.he traveled for a week and never called. Sent him messages and he didnt reply, when he came back all he did was send me a text and. Ofocurse i got really hurt, i tried my best tp not go all naggy. The last time he lied about going somewhere because i told him i was coming over but i went anyway only to find him home. Thats where he rained insults on me, even telling me he would slap me. All i could was cry. I cant believe this same guy who begged me to give in to him would treat me like this. He even went further to tell me he has another girlfriend and then later made a comment that it was a joke but no i dont think it was, even if it was, why would you say something like that to me knowing how it would hurt me knowing all the issues we are going through now. He then said wehn i get home i shouldnt contact him for four days. Today is the fourth day and i miss him like hell but i cant get past all that he said to me. I made a decision to move on, so i put off my phone ever since then but i dont know if i can continue with this. What should i do. I kow i stil love him and a part of me wants him back badly.a i dont know if he still loves me or he is just thanking God my i havnt contacted him. What should i do?

Reply September 11, 2013, 3:41 am


I say delete him. He is mentally and emotionally abusive and cannot keep his word. I think he is waiting for you to contact him so that he can start some drama. I have watched my mom go through it and I went through some of it. That type of person only stays abusive and it will escalate to physical if you were to ever marry them. Yes, you have some things to work on for you. If you believe, I recommend really looking to God for where to find your answers. Otherwise, read some books like Act like a lady think like a man, or RespectDare, or Love and Respect to understand the difference between men and women and to work with yourself and see what things would help you to grow. Submissiveness is a good thing. However, being a doormat is not. This guy is treating like a doormat. Since it’s 2 months, this really isn’t worth it. There is nothing to build on here and no the honeymoon stage feeling doesn’t count here. What he is doing is not right, but you have the choice to either keep playing his game or not. Be bigger than that and don’t play. This is a confusing game, I know. I don’t like this game, and I don’t play it. Many a wise people have said, “What’s more simple is true.” that applies to everything in life. HOpe that helps. I had a better response to this but the page didn’t load up.

Reply July 25, 2014, 1:24 pm


and also, take responsibility for yourself in this situation. Don’t ever believe someone won’t hurt you. Otherwise, the divorce rate wouldn’t be this way and people wouldn’t be jumping from partner to partner if no one ever hurt anyone at least one time. Everyone sins against everyone sometimes, and we all do it right back intentional or not. Don’t leave them responsible for how you feel. You are responsible for how you feel. No one else is. Take hold of your emotions and your feelings. You are responsible for what things you allow to hurt you or bother you. You are responsible for many things. You cannot control the people around you, but you can control you, your reactions, your responses, your feelings, your everything in your little bubble. Just remember that. No one can hurt you unless you let them.

Reply July 25, 2014, 1:28 pm


I almost never create responses, however after reading through a
lot of remarks on Ask a Guy: The Less I Care, The
More He Seems To. I do have a couple of questions for you if you tend not to mind.
Could it be only me or do some of the responses look like
they are coming from brain dead visitors? :-P And, if you are writing at additional online social sites, I would like to follow you.
Would you post a list of every one of your social networking sites like
your linkedin profile, Facebook page or twitter feed?

Reply June 18, 2013, 11:58 pm


Who exactly are u wanting to follow? As far as these posts and replies I once cared and not so much anymore what any guy thinks because the truth if a guy likes you he don’t play games. Period end of story. Girls don’t stress so much on a guy no one is worth the drama

Reply June 13, 2014, 7:55 pm



Please help me with some advise. I am a 35 year old woman, no kids, never married. Totally in love with a younger guy, his 7 years my junior. We met online and have been chatting, skyping, calling one another, emailing, etc. He lives so far away from me, we are miles and miles apart. He is a student and i am a working lady.
I am so inlove with this guy, he makes me feel like no one ever has, we have this very special bond that i have never experienced with anyone in my entire life, I can share my deepest, darkest and scariest secrets, dreams, everything with him and vice versa. the problem of late is that he has been so distant lately, acting really weird, does not respond to my texts, no longer calls me, says he is extremely busy wih his studies and if I want he can drop his courses and then have time for me, this has hurt me so much. I KNOW that I am being extremely needy and this is probably pushing him further away. But i really miss talking to him, I have not spoken to him in over 2 weeks and am fearing that he is no longer interested in me. I am torn between hope and reality, i do not know do I wait for him, is he willing to be with me? Or am I just his time pass? Do I move on with life? I am so confused and this has made me a completely different person, I don’t know who i am anymore. i long to touch him, feel him, kiss him, my heart is crying out for him. Please anyone advise me on what to do, I am so very hurt and confused.
One thing, he was the first to profess his love for me, I never reciprocated that until much later as I thought perhaps his just saying that BUT I feel his love, I feel his everything. Tears are just flowing endlessly now.
Please help me

Reply April 23, 2013, 2:53 am


Ok IV been with this guy for awhile he treated me great at first but than he started putting me down saying I’m lucky IV been great to him haven’t. Cheated. Evan though he make me feel like sex with me is gross and awful but he loves me and turns around and accuses me of everything make stories up about me so I leave to show him what his loosing but its killing me without his touch wen he holds me will he miss me as much as I miss him

Reply April 14, 2013, 12:51 pm


Dear Eric,
After reading the comments below this question and answer, I feel a lot of people are missing the point or understanding of what you mean about ‘neediness’. So my belief after lessons learnt from past relationships is to fill your life with all the things you enjoy doing and not making anyone of those things a sole priority, let life flow. Its no good priorotising the relationship, it will only lead to regret and resentment. I have experienced needy men, where they have tried to control what I do, and sometimes for a quiet life I gave up the things I enjoyed doing, which led to me resenting them. It is always good to have a sense of independence. Then when things don’t work out accordingly there is not such a great void in your life, just a matter of healing your heart. It is not about showing or pretending to be uninterested in a person or man, its about not making them the sole purpose of your happiness…

Reply March 2, 2013, 2:04 pm


And then men wonder why they end up with a b*tch that don’t care about them, because guys are attracted to that. That’s why quite often in a relationship you will notice that one person is nicer then the other.

Reply February 27, 2013, 5:19 pm


I know what you mean. They wanted a b*tch then when they have one they don’t like it anymore or there are things they don’t like about your personality that they were attracted to in the first place. And they say they don’t know what we want.

Reply July 25, 2014, 1:33 pm

Because I want to be...

Hey Eric,
So reading this is actually quite funny to me. I am a recently single girl (even though things ended with my last boyfriend a year ago). I never fully felt “single” because I had not completely forgotten his “love” for me, and was still looking for specifically that. I realized a while back after several terrible situations that his “love” actually wasn’t for me, and it never will be no matter how hard I tried; so here I am – finally single. The worst part about being with this ex was that his parting message to me was: Prince Charming doesn’t exist; fairytales are just stories.
But, here’s the real story: my unattainable man-crush story. He was the most handsome man I had laid eyes on, and for the past five years of being around him (we work together) my heart fluttered when he was close by, no joke – pounding. He has this added bonus of being all dark and secretive that makes just about any girl he comes into contact with intrigued; left wanting more, and more. Recently, Mr. Charmer and I have become good friends, and we made plans to do something that seemed very “date-like”, and, though hopeful, I never really thought much would become of these tentative plans because of what he represented in my mind. A week goes by, and no word. I had pretty much given up hope of actually believing this crazy date would happen, but low and behold, one fine day, on my email, “Are we still on?” Funny thing is, after that date, I actually realized that while we may be friends for a long time, he is not the kind of guy I’d like to be in a relationship with, and I think things will slowly simmer down to normalcy soon. But, my final word is: it’s true! Sometimes, when things aren’t pushed or pulled into happening, when they do happen the way you want it to, it is that much sweeter. When he actually put in the effort of wanting to hang out with me, whatever his intent may be, I felt like I was on top of the world for those dazzling 5 seconds of reading that email. This made me think to myself: maybe the guy who broke my heart was wrong. Maybe, I could be worth it for someone to chase again. And, maybe, just maybe, it’s okay just to be exactly the way I am. :)

Reply February 18, 2013, 6:14 pm


This comment made me smile :D you sound so sweet and full of positivity. I agree and feel the same way, when you give your guy the opportunity to exert more effort, it makes you feel good and the best part is, he realize that he does those things for you without you telling him to do so.

Reply July 9, 2013, 2:12 am


38 year old woman with 25 year old lover! Ok I’ve been single year and half then unexpectedly met this guy who’s et well younger, although I know I look very young too, anyway, we’ve been dating 6 weeks very casually but he’s made comments that suggest he’s feigns for me, line, “I really really love being with you and not just for sex” etc, I’ve been fighting , resisting falling and keeping him at arms length and he does all the chasing, but in last few days, he said btw I’m going to Europe with a mate and on valentines day!!! Ok so I’m pissed off, I don’t know if I should end ur ir back off cause he needs to live his life I get that, but his messages are mixed and confuse me! He said he didn’t think I was the kind if girl interested in valentines day I mean , wtf! Sorry but I need some real advise, I have other guys pursuing me all the time but I’m not the kind to multidate. The fact he’s going on a guys only hol to Europe what do you think, should I trust him?

Reply February 1, 2013, 6:49 am

Le Petite Princess

You must be in the throws of passion not to see reality here. Our brains go mildly insane when we are experience limerance.

A 25 year old guys brain hasn’t even matured yet. It wont for another 2 years. He would likely not understand consequences and that’s why many young people cheat on each other (not to say older people dont but they have more of a conscience)

Dont put all your heart into this guy. He didn’t take you serious enough to ask you about Valentines Day and his travels before telling you. He’s not really that into you. He’s more into himself

Reply June 18, 2014, 8:56 pm


Hi Eric. This situation is almost like mine except that I started off not caring much. He complained and said I wasn’t caring so I started to put in more effort in the relationship and now he’s being a douche. So I backed off n stopped caring as muchand he flares up again. I seriously don’t get what game this guy is playing. We have been together for 2 months or so now.

Reply January 19, 2013, 1:23 pm


Hi Eric,
I was upset with the way my bf of 3 months (23 years old) treated me because it seemed like he was trying to push my limits, hence I felt like he was trying to make me break up with him. Then I had a talk with him on the phone. He said he did this to see how far he can get away with things and me putting up with him. I told him, it’s not healthy for the relationship. He also implied of being scared not to be loved if he’s completely being himself. Maybe he’s not fully opened up to me yet. I want him to. But I understand that men don’t like talking about feelings, and being vulnerable. How should I deal with this situation? I want to connect with him emotionally in the psychological level. Thank you!

Reply October 23, 2012, 3:24 pm


Hey Eric, Please help me!

My boyfriend and I dated for 2 years. We were completely into each other and he gave me 100%. However there were trust issues between us, he lied about his education for many months until I snooped around and found out he was lying. I was worse – saw other guys a couple of times when he wouldn’t do something I wanted and used other guys to make him jealous. I got an STD once when out drunk. He kept forgiving me and acting like it was okay but over time I felt him withdrawing. Finally he told me he needed space after a big fight and that we were on a break – he still loved me ‘very much and we would get back together if i could prove i was trustworthy.’ He said he intended it to be for only a few weeks, however i tried to make him jealous..and made things worse. Finally he dumped me, saying i need to change. He said he will not see other people as he will wait for me to change.

Then I woke up and stopped cheating. Things went a little better at first, he would talk to me, we’d go out on dates and hang out a once a week. But then he’d ignore me for days if i did something small to piss him off, and I’d go crazy obesssive trying to reach him. Then he’d tell me he wants more space, and i’d go even crazier..and the cycle continued till I had no choice but to not attempt to contact him for a week. He’d calm down and call me and then we’d get slowly better again.

Now its been four months. The last time we went on a date was 3 weeks ago, he took me to an expensive restaurant and ice cream and i slept over. The next day we had a fight because he didn’t wake up when i woke up for work. Now its crap. Where he used to call when we first broke up, twice a day, now its once every few days. Mostly,I call him a few times a day only to be blocked and he rarely calls back. He says I’m a crazy pyscho bitch and i need to give him space or get out of his life for good. He doesn’t say nice things to me or reassure me when i’m upset anymore, never is loving. He has all the power, i have to beg him to see me..he says ‘i’ll see.’ I bussed to his house twice in one day over the weekend, uninvited, just to see him. He chased me out, he didn’t want his family to see me. They want a restraining order against me now.

If i ask, do you love me? He says yes. But he doesn’t show it. He just wants me to leave him alone all the time for hte last few weeks. How do i fix things and gain back his respect/affections? The more i act in love with him and stop thinking about other guys, the less attention he gives me. He says he doesnt care what i want, i cheated..i have to put up with this for four months before he gives a crap about me. Don’t tell me to leave- I LOVE HIM!

Reply September 3, 2012, 3:05 am


I have just about ruined a relationship with what you have described as Neediness. So I am willing to take full responsibility for my behavior. I just want to discuss two things and hopefully get your feedback. One is can you reverse this once it has happened. Do men see it as no turning back, its almost like trusting someone, once the behavior has shown its face how do you take it all back. The other question is, I have hard time with
the whole men are simple and just want us to be simple too really. Why is there not a place to meet in the middle. Although they see things so differently then us, I don’t want to shut down emtionally just to make a relationship easier for him. Maybe men should
work on being more expressive and meet us halfway. Just a thought!! Thanks for the great site its worth every word I read.

Reply August 10, 2012, 2:27 pm


I think it can change if when they see you again or you hear from them again, you show up without the needy vibe or coming off “too interested”. They will be intrigued and sense something is different about you. I haven’t wanted to get back with anyone who didn’t work out but I sense that both them as well as male acquaintances have acted better towards me after I cured my needy vibes.

Reply October 12, 2012, 3:53 pm


Hi eric, i was in a long distance relationship with a guy i dated for a year and a half be4 he traveled 4 a 1 yr prog outside d country. We both kept ourselves 2 each other till i messed up and slept with 4 men. Something av neva done in my entire life. Cos i had only known my bf and nobody else. I tot he was actually cheatin and some other issues. Wen it struck me abt wat i had done, cos i wasnt dat kind of person, i cudnt tell him 4 fear of him leavin me. I loved him so much but there was no reasonable explanation and i dont deserve him cos he neva 4 once despite d urge cheated on me. I felt so guilty and i ended up telling him cos he deserved 2 know at least and wud be worse if he knew on his own. He broke up with me instantly. I begged him and he forgave me. Wen he came back to d country. He stayed for some time in his family house in a state diff from where i reside. The thing is he met his high skul gf. They loved themselves and becos of him her dad transfered her to another skul and since d communication was still on he transfered her out of d country and since then they lost contact. Wen they both saw themselves she kissed him publicly. They exchanged contacts. As he explained the whole scenario to me, he told me he felt something 4 her. And he wud want to go back to her but he has second taughts. But he said he had long not felt anything strong 4 me anymore after what i told him. Communication has been strained. I do the calling most times as am tryin 2 gain his trust and be transparent hopin things wud change. But wit his ex comin into d picture it makes things difficult. Do i keep behaving needy after all i caused it as it cud help our relationship or what should i do. I need help from an expert as u. Hope 2 read from u soon.

Reply August 8, 2012, 3:05 pm


Hey eri, ive been in a really good relationship wit my fiance’ aftr a couple of months he proposed to me & now lives with me he says I nag to much but I,reallii feel like I dnt we dnt spend any quality time together thats all want from him, now he broke up with me & says he wants his ring back but then keeps telln me he loves me & misses me & wont stop calling me…wat is up? Do yu think this is a lesson hes tryong to teach me a game or wat? I dnt get you guys sometimes…smh

Reply August 5, 2012, 11:39 pm


Me again i just wanna tell u more details , yesterday I called him alot at 11am till 3 am he didn’t answer he called me back at 4 hw told me Babyyy I’m so sorry I was sleeping I don’t know how but I’m sure he was lying but I really don’t know why I’m so afraid Nd I told him I called u bcoz I miss u why u did that to me he told me I miss u too Nd I love u Nd I’m sorry Nd he promised that he come today at morning to see me Nd to do somthing with me bcoz h miss me this morning he called he didn’t say anyth I asked him u don’t wanna see me u told me that he said yea but not now I hv go work now I’ll see u after-hours I said ok then after 2hours I called him he told me oh baby I’m so busy now I don’t know wait my call I told him no tell me now he told I Dnt know when Nd I told him if u can’t see me now ull see me tonight cuz I miss u so much he said we will see I said Wt he said ok tonight I will see u then at night he called Nd td me I’m so sorry baby but I can’t today !!! I really don’t know Wt to do I love him so much so much and I don’t want any 1else so plZ help I think I’m too needy I Dnt know how to deal with this do u think he will leave me or he Dnt love me anymore but I think he loves me it’s sounds crazy I know I really need ur help ! Thank you

Reply July 22, 2012, 11:50 am


plZ help me I’m with my boyfriend since 3months he Was so nice with Nd I know he loves me so much but lately he seems so different he Dnt call Dnt answer my msgs when I tell him I wanna see u Nd I miss u he tell me I can’t can’t I’m busy , my parents , Dnt hv a car he’s always with his friend Nd he told me yesterdAy stop being needy dont push me away Nd it hurts alot bcoz I love him so much I’m afraid to loose him Nd I think he don’t love me anymore and sometimes I think that he sees another girl I don’t know if it’s true but I’m dying I want him like before . I’m callin him too much but sometimes he Dnt answer Nd reject me Nd when I tell him this is not fair Wt u do he get upset Nd turn his phone off Nd answer Nd ah btw I’m so jealous about him if he talks to another girl , I don’t know what to do plZ help me answer me asap !

Reply July 22, 2012, 11:31 am

Katya S

I was in a relationship 3 weeks and my ex made a final decision and broke up with me. I knew it was coming. He had tried breaking up with me a month previously when he told me he needed space, time to figure out his life, and couldn’t give me what I deserved. I understand him completely, he’s had a rough past and he has never tried to be in a serious relationship previously. After a certain amount of time, I wanted more from him. I wanted him to make an effort more to call me, get back to my text messages, and so on. I feel like I want about this relationship all wrong and just wound up getting hurt. The situation isn’t fun because I know I will see him around a lot since we have so many friends in common and I do want to be friends with him, but right now I can’t. Is it wrong to expect more from a boyfriend? Its been 3 weeks and I feel like I have been blaming myself for this break up. I know I put in effort and probably pushed him to much. I do not, I’ve been upset that I am not that girl for him and that he didn’t like me enough to stay with me even though he does have stuff he needs to focus on himself. I think he was never ready for a relationship and was testing us out since were good friends before anything happened too. I think it is true when they say you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself. Can’t help feeling I did everything wrong though in our relationship. My reactions to what he did was too emotional….

Reply July 1, 2012, 11:41 pm


Glad, i found this web page, i need your help, I met a guy online we talk/text we connected alot i felt he like me and i was getting to like him too, we never saw each other face to face however we saw each other pics after several weeks talking which everything was going okay , he just started to be distance not calling or texting after several days i asking if everything is okay he said he been really busy with work.. well i try several times to text he reply but really short so i stop… well yesterday i send him a text telling him that i see is not putting the same effort that he was really distance that i like him and i would like to move forward if he allow me, that i did not wanted to waste my time with somebody that was not into me that i hope he would understand.
well he text me back few hours later and told me he would like to meet and he understand the way i feel.
i reply would i hear from you more and would u stop been cool with me.
few hours later he respond: I thought abt wht you said and i been so busy lately i have my sons pretty much all this summer i think right now might not b the right time for a relationship. we can stay friends if u like…. and of course i say yes no problem…
I got so mad at my self and sad at the same time i really like this guy and think i loss my change with him so im not sure what to do HELP ME

Reply June 16, 2012, 2:17 am


Hi Eric ,
it is really great to have someone to ask regarding relationships issues. Actually I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half in a LDR ( long distance relationship) , he lives in a country and I live in another. He is capricorn BTW and he’s busy all the time focusing on work and many other stuff. He rarely talks to me and when he does it’s by phone . I would like to chat with him on skype but he seems not interested , I wait for him to ask me to do so but week after week he didn’t !!! he only asks me to talk on the net when we fight … cant imagine that he doesnt want to talk to me that much :( . he came to see me twice and since that time he didn’t talk about our relationship I think he starts to take me for granted !!! m afraid he doesnt like me coz He realized that I luv him !!! what to do ? I told him many times what i want but men seem to understand reactions rather than words !!! , at last i got angry and nervous as he doesnt invest time and effort in our relationship so I asked him to stop contact for one month so that we can miss each other and appreciate each other , he accepted easily and didnt try to make me change my mind. I called him the next day to say that I didn’t mean to hurt him and that i really want the no contact for our benefit … he told me have your time and revise the relationship ( he thinks that I want to leave him or analyze the relationship ) !!! and he acted cold , I ended the call with the feeling that he’s seeking revenge or an ego issue . How to react and what to do ? should I complete the whole month not contacting him? and do u think he’s gonna call me first ?

Reply June 11, 2012, 1:08 pm

Julie Nirina razafindrazaka

Hi Eric all your advice is so good . right now I have a problem i meet a guy on Fb and all i tried to not be interest in him and tag some guy friend in my wall ignoring him and he send me message and all but now i have a problem when i went to fb he was not here for a while and this saturday and sunday he is here but i act distant do other activities and all but he isn’t doing anything so what should i do to make him send me message thank if you reply

Reply May 20, 2012, 5:29 am


I am starting to understand that backing off is the key to getting him to stop backing up and with drawing but, When you back off and act less needy, how far do you take it? I am in the current situtaion where he has started not to communicate with me after a good few monts. He has told me he is afraid to move too fast…. but acted like he wanted to talk to me 24-7. Just in the past few days I havent heard a word from him so I am taking the BACKING OFF approach. I am wondering how much is too much backing off? Do I completely do NOTHING?! Do I respond if he contacts me? I need help please bc I get in my own way!!

Reply May 14, 2012, 11:34 am


My situation is that I met this guy a and we hit it off right away, at the begining we both said we did not want anything serious but then we got pretty close we spent every single day together for three weeks mostly because he wanted to. He even took a trip with me to see my mother he went back to Germany a month ago and have not heard from him I would like to know if this is normal. I didn’t ask him what was going on with us did not ask when he was coming bac (his brother lives here) I tried to give him his space but now I don’t know if it backfired. Can you please give me some insight on this
Thank you

Reply May 1, 2012, 1:36 pm


Hi, im going to make this as brief as possible, ive been in an off again on again affair with a guy and we were both married. I left mine he left his within a year of each other. Never saying it was for each other but I always thought we would have a future…. One thing though through the 20 years of back and forth we have been very very close and also fought out of frustration for not having what we wanted. So now we are both separated and he wants his space, is going through way too much and has to deal with his kids and doesnt want a relationship. He has said he loves me in the past but now says hes not in love with me. Hmmm i dont know whether to run or stick around just a little longer for the drama on his part to end. When things are good they are amazing when things are bad they really suck!! And all I want is to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want him back and want him the way i used to know him….

Reply April 30, 2012, 10:59 pm



First of all, you are a genius and I wish I had found this site sooner.

Second of all, I have been in situations where it seems like whenever I initiate making plans or texting, they withdraw. So, I respond by never initiating. But then after a while, guys will complain to me about how I never initiate… even though whenever I do initiate they act busy and uninterested. Any ideas about what’s happening with that?

Reply April 1, 2012, 11:55 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Miranda,
Thanks for the kind words. I think the issue is the difference between “acting” in the way you feel is right and coming from a place that’s not needy.
There’s nothing wrong with initiating plans in it of itself. The central problem… the deepest problem… is when our actions come from a place of desperation, worry or neediness.
It’s not easy, but there’s a way to initiate things and throw ideas out there without “attaching” emotionally to his response. I realize that explanation is a little vague and philosophical, but if you get on the e-mail list I go into great detail about this and how to make sure the guy treats you as the priority woman in his life (and not an option).

Reply April 2, 2012, 5:28 pm


Thanks Eric! I am doing what you say, I wish it will work out finally in my case.
We have known each other for quite a long time as he is the superior of my ex-; he started to text me few weeks ago at a function then we hung out for concert and we ended up slept together with nothing happened literally! (we both were drunk!lol) the next day I tried to ask him out but he declined due to his busy schedule. After reading your articles, I tried not to be needy, and we ended up slept together the next sat. We both enjoyed so much I can say, and now I step back and see if he will ask me out on a proper date.

But the tricky part is that, he once texted me sth like, “I never fall in love”; “making sure you are not falling in love with me ;)”… I responded all these like “I like you but not loving you”; “if that makes you happy, I actually not easily fall in love with”… he disappeared a day or two after that, and texted me again telling me what he was doing. I told him I was busy as well, then he starts coming to me but not actually attached to me.

I wonder what this guy is really thinking about, if I give my patience, do you think this may work out finally? He keeps playing ‘hot and cold’ with me, really have no ideas what he really wants! The funniest is, I had a test on him if he keeps noticing my whatsapp status, I blocked his contact one night, and turned out he texted me early next morning when I unblocked his contact again. I might be a bit over-sensitive, but I know this doesn’t end yet. Please advise how I can play it cool thereafter. lol

Reply March 22, 2012, 2:07 am


Mine is a little bit different. When he starts acting distant and I give him space, it actually works . He starts showing more effort. However I get scared to get close to him because he goes right back to it and it hurts. I don’t know how to permanently make him be consistent in making me feel loved and special. He gives up after several efforts from him. This is probably because I have been told that when you reverse an ultimatum and makr the guy realize how you want to be treated, the last thing you want to do is to go back to normal. So because he is calling me constantly, in which I always answer, he thinks I should now go back to what I used to do which is doing too much and showing him so much love. I can’t win to save my life. Is this happening to anyone else. I’m just continue to feel like how long will this go on for? It’s been a year and a half already. Eric please help. I don’t know what works anymore. Doing nothing and pulling back looks like its sending the wrong message to my guy.

Reply March 21, 2012, 6:06 pm


Eric, oh my gosh.. so glad I found what you said. Becauswhae I think it just saved me from ruining something with this guy. Not to sound weird. But I would so kiss you right now

Reply March 21, 2012, 3:35 am

Eric Charles

Hehe… ;)

Reply March 21, 2012, 12:49 pm

not needy anymore

Boy I tell you the power of educating the soul and mind. When i started my research I realized I was not alone hence its not me and I’m not crazy. It’s the rule of the game we hate to play. You withdraw, I withdraw and fear of losing a beautiful queen sets in and then you start working harder to keep her if you want her. That’s just it. Hate to understand it and you will fail. Just look at how much power you have over that dude at work always buying you lunch but you dont even care to but him nothing and he still continues to love what he does for you and how it makes you feel.
Before I got into my current relationship, I travelled a lot, took gym classes and things I loved basically worked on myself and thought finally I’m ready for true love. I realized that loving myself wasnt enough, I needed to know how a man thinks and responds. I did not know they all are the same. I have always played hard to get. Was coined the heartbreaker cos I did not give a damn. So unbeknownst to me this was why men flocked at my feet. If I knew when i finally met the love of my life I would have continued to be me. But no I thought finally here is someone I can open up to, love and care for. When he started withdrawing and yes somewhat taking me for granted I wanted to hate me for not appreciating me.
After educating myself to figure out what was going on after several thoughts of breaking up to no avail, I decided if i can’t get rid of him and there are signs we are still in love, I knew I had to do what i have to do even when i thought I was being mean. I starteddoing evetthing I used to do and even more, occupying myself. All of a sudden the man who claimed he is too busy started asking for my time. The guy who thought Skype was useless could not wait to see me log on.
So to all females it works to be less needy. I have a difficult man so its taking time but I’m enjoying the power balance now. I’m happynot for what he does but for my life and what I’m doing with it which if he left today will not stop. It continues because I am doing it for me and it doesn’t involve him so i won’t miss him when my life continues with or without him.

Reply February 29, 2012, 10:12 am


When you back off and act less needy, how far do you take it? I am in the current situtaion where he has started not to communicate with me after a good few monts. He has told me he is afraid to move too fast…. but acted like he wanted to talk to me 24-7. Just in the past few days I havent heard a word from him so I am taking the BACKING OFF approach. I am wondering how much is too much backing off? Do I completely do NOTHING?! Do I respond if he contacts me? I need help please bc I get in my own way!!

Reply May 14, 2012, 11:04 am


I have been seeing this guy for about a year maybe a little more , I was going though a very bad time with my husband at the time , and his partner had cheated on him and he was finding things hard also we have known each other for a number of years before we got talking . Over a year ago he popped up on my fb chat asking how i was and asked why i had not been going in our local pub , I told him why and we started to chat more on fb . We both was going though our own problems. my husband was a very big drinker and i felt very alone and very sad , we kept parting but then he would make me feel sorry for him and he would say he will cut down and change so i would take him back .but sadley things didnt change . so when this guy asked to meet for a coffee i agreed and we started getting close and telling each other our problems , we would have little kisses now and then . we even booked an hotel room just to have adult fun but when we got there and shared few hours together cuddling and kissing we both couldnt take it further it felt wrong . but we both still would meet for coffee and kisses and cuddles and text each other all the time . my husband and i split last jan and this guy was there for me popping round for coffee cuddles and id confide in him .. he gave me advise and said i should meet a nice man who will treat me right we talked alot about my childhood and abuse with men in my life and he would say things like he would love to be able to just take me away from it all and look after me . but he was still living with is gf . he said that he knew she was not for him anymore because she had cheated on him and broke his heart and he knew he couldnt marry her . I did try to give him advise also about going for some help the both of them but he said it was to late . months went by of talking , texts and emails as he worked away some texts was rude lol and some real nice things like he wished i was with him and that he misses me , and could he see me when hes back just for a cuddle and thats all it was kisses and cuddles and talks .Then last summer he sent me a text that read … I am falling for you and dont know what to do about it . i cant remember what i put back . has he knew i was in a bit of a mess in my life . A couple of times i tried to tell him we had to stop seeing each other because i felt very bad on his gf and would not hurt anyone and if he was single it would be diffrent . he then would text saying please he dont want to lose me . a few days would go by and we would not last out and text or email and he would want to see me . but then i went back to my husband again not sure how this guy felt but he said he hoped it worked out . but it didnt . we both carried on seeing each other for coffee and chats but knew he was not free to take things further and in oct i started to date a local bloke and told this guy i had met someone and would not let him kiss me again or anything . I didnt tell him my heart was hurting because i had fallen for him and only started to date because i needed to let go of him . so for a week we didnt text , but then he would end up texting me to ask how my relationship was going i would make out it was good . I didnt here from him for a week or too . it killed me so i would down load songs on my face book with words how i felt and altho spooky id down load a few that ment nothing . but it was strange the next day he had liked the ones that i had put on really for my feelings for him . i missed him so much . then i finshed it with my fling as my heart was not in it . i sent an email to this guy asking how he was and that me and men just dont go , really to let him no i was single . but he just mailed me saying he was fine . then aweek went by and we got talking again he said take it your single again it was newyears eve i said nope im single i give up with men . then he asked if we could meet up after our night out for a kiss and cuddle , i said what about your gf then to my shock he said they have parted . we met up just after middnight and sat up talking and when he talked about me and him seeing how things go i stopped him and said we would not work im not good with relationships . we slept in same bed and he held me close all night and when we woke up few a min we would wake together and go for each others hand hold it and fall back to sleep . we have since new year seen each other more not selpt together in that way still .. has i dont want to get used or hurt , because he said hes thinking of moving to spain so dont want to get into anything . yet we are still seeing each other and spending nights just cuddling . and lastweek i went round his place and we spoke about lots of things . he asked if my kids would like him and then said he knows hid daughter would get on with me . and he said that he dont no what it is about me he cant let go . but hes changed backed off a little dont text as much this is since new year tho . he stayed last night and we cuddled and talked and i said i would after let him go because i dont think he wants me . he said i was wrong its just that my x husband still hanging around and he as just got out is relationship and he still thinking of moving . now im very confused and not sure if to let go . maybe he just hanging on because hes not slept with me yet . help someone whats happening and why his he backing off .. x

Reply February 1, 2012, 9:59 am


Hi Eric, I have a similar situation, where ive been seeing this guy goin on 6 months and i am head over heels. he had me at hello type thing. we both feel the it factor in chemistry and are both single full time working parents. hes seems to always be busy, but i believe it has alot to do with him currently going thru a divorce n me doing the needy things months ago. ive been researching online for advice b/c i want to do watever it takes to make it work. i have very little patience so its been tuff, but ive adjused n learned to not nagg him or let him no im dying to hear from him or spend time with him. im sure he doesnt want to feel tied down, since he’s still goin thru a div process. am i doing good? since ive been in bad relationships b4 and also am separated i am pretty sure i dont want a serious relationship, but i still need to feel the reassurance from this one particular guy. i do have options but i rather not see multiple ppl. he did confirm to me after abt a 1 1/2 mths that we were exclusive and he told me a few ago that he wants me to be his gf, but these are from me initiating the conversations. we dont get too into the topis of bf/gf status b/c i dont want to pressure him. as i said i already did the needy thing n im sure i suffocated him for a couple of days. he did pull back n wen i realized why, i pulled back too n im giving him the space he needs. Oh! he is a very hi self esteem confident guy with a wise demeanor…LOL just thought id throw that in there. Thanks!
Hope to hear a response, Misle. Thanks

Reply January 17, 2012, 9:33 am


Hi Eric,
I totally agree with every single thing you said. My guy didn’t call me or text for 5 days and I never text first, I would reply to his texts and be friendly. I really like him but I’m trying to keep thing light between us. My date seems to put in more effort when I’m just taking it easy. He is always the one who asks me out and he never let me pay for a single thing since we have been in several dates, this time I was thinking of asking him out for the first time but after reading this I think why not hang back and let him put in more effort…Thanks to Eric, he called me today and asked me out for dinner on Fri or Sat but unfortunately I have made plans with my family and the girls so I can’t fit him in, all I said was Sunday lunch and He replied ” I can’t wait to see you” so next time he knows he can’t just call me and make plans at the last minute.
Girls, it works….look sexy and think smart…

Reply January 13, 2012, 10:18 am


Eric? I read someones post about reading your book, what is your book called?

Reply January 10, 2012, 8:21 pm


You’ve mentioned in this article that a lot can be fixed by simply backing off and giving your guy some space. However, when is it too much space? 1 week, 3 weeks, longer?

The reason I ask, is that I have and usually do back off and give him space. I’ve been seeing this guy for over a year. But he has never been one to take the initiative to seek me out. After 2 or 3 weeks of not hearing from him, I start making an effort to get reach out to him before whatever we do have falls completely apart.

However, I need him to want to see me and spend time with me. I don’t want to feel as if I am the only one emotionally invested. And if I tell him this, I don’t know if it would be genuine on his behalf IF he even decides to do something about it.

What’s your advise on what to do for those in similar situations as my own?

Reply January 2, 2012, 12:04 am

Eric Charles

I wouldn’t look at it in terms of length of time.
Instead, I would look at it in terms of giving them *emotional* space.
And then question becomes: How do I give them emotional space?
The answer is not “needing” them to do anything. When they do something you like, you can appreciate and enjoy it.
But when they don’t… whether that’s them not responding to a text, taking time alone, etc., you can let them have it without becoming upset or disappointed.
To be able to do that, you need to be living a life of happiness and fullness – where you have so much going on and so many things and people there to enjoy, you don’t feel distraught when your guy can’t be there 100%.
Guys need space sometimes to work out their issues. Women typically work their issues out with friends and loved ones – men don’t, men want to work out their issues alone and then show themselves once they’re on top of their game again. That type of “needing space” come about when something has him emotionally upset (loss of job, loss of a loved one, some emotional upset, etc.)
The other type of needing space is when he feels like you’re being emotionally needy and needing him to do/be certain things or else you’ll be upset. That type of neediness suffocates the life out of a relationship.
Bottom line: Think of “space” in terms of emotional space, not time.

Reply January 2, 2012, 5:41 pm


Absoultely. I completely agree. My suggestion would definitely be to become active in hobbies you like. Its just like the saying goes, “time flies when your having fun”. If you do things you like to do, it keeps your mind busy. And before you know it, 3 weeks have gone by and you havent even noticed he hasnt called ’cause your too busy living life! Not sitting at home counting the hours and min he hasnt called. Just a simple suggestion. Good luck! :)

Reply February 18, 2012, 4:42 pm


What exactly do you do to give guys space? Leave them along completely? I live together with my boyfriend and we are used to spending lots of time together and he tells me he enjoys spending time with me. We both don’t have a lot of friends and we are also working on trust issues so how exactly would someone give space in that situation?

Reply May 21, 2012, 9:06 pm

Eric Charles

You can give a guy space in a relationship.
First, you only need to “give a guy space” when he’s dealing with an issue or in a bad mood. Let him work it out on his own – don’t get involved. Don’t pry or inspect. Don’t ask questions or try to comfort him. Just leave it alone and if he wants to bring it up and talk to you about it, he will.
You can be right next to someone and still give them space – you just leave them alone when they’re dealing with their own crap. And the key is you don’t take on their crap as your own: You have to remember that their emotions are their issue and not yours. You are not the problem and don’t become part of the problem by asking about it.

Reply May 22, 2012, 10:27 am


Thank you for that advice although I’ve done that and sometimes my boyfriend feels like I don’t care enough. I was more asking in regards to what you said: “The other type of needing space is when he feels like you’re being emotionally needy and needing him to do/be certain things or else you’ll be upset. That type of neediness suffocates the life out of a relationship.”?
How do you give a guy space after realizing you have been emotionally needy? I realized I am guilty of doing this after reading everything you wrote on neediness and I want to make things better because I realize it’s a combination of my insecurities and that he’s lied to me before. You’ve said to fulfill your life first but it’s hard to that when you live together and are each other’s best friend. Do we both need to spend more time apart and do other things or what is it that needs to change?

May 22, 2012, 12:34 pm


Hi eric,

I recently bought your book, i have a long and complicated history with the guy i toltally love and have done for 5 years, Weve always been off and on and usually its me thats pulls away because of some reason or other…last year we got back in touch we had a couple of dates and as hed come out of a serious relationship he told me he didnt want a relationship…i backed off and then few months later we got back in touch only he had a gf…he told me he didnt want to be in a relationship at all with her and that shed kind of forced him into it…we saw each other a few times even though i said i only wanted friendship…then he went to america and he broke up with her midway through his trip…we consatntly texted rang and when he was back we met up a few times…he acted a bit distant and i left it a while anbd then asked him what he wanted as in just friends …he didnt reply and i went crazy he called and we met met up and said wed like to be friends he tells me he loves me i dont know in what way and then we had a really nice time together… last time i saw him he mentioned his ex hassling him and went home instead of staying i became needy and text a few times more than i should have… then he started ignoring me i went crazy told him he was welcome to her and we shouldnt see each other…then i text saying i dont want to fall out but can you text me at this time i know he was out with friends all weekend… i decided to back off and i havent text for a week but neither has he… i intend to not text another week but i hate all this tension if he still doesnt text what should i do…from past experience he often doesnt make the first move…but will then say why dont you text me anyone…i dont know if im damaging our relationship by being too distant..have i ruined things by being so needy …i dont know whats going on with his ex and i think he met someone in america that he may have strong feelings for its just a hunch though… pls help i want to do the right thing…he tells me he doesnt want a relationship for a year…do i saty friends untill he does or continue being friend s with more|? i really love the guy but i know im needy sometimes the thing is i know he loves me in some way…

Reply November 4, 2011, 7:54 pm


Hey Eric thank you for this article I’m going through this right now. This guy at work who was totally into me called me and than just stopped and the whole weekend I stressed about what to do and my BF advice sucked it was needy all the way but today I will go to work and not let it phase me at all and give him his space…I will let you know what happens! Your advice has gotten me this far Thank you, your amazing.

Reply November 1, 2011, 7:27 am


Hi Eric, I really need your advise. I’ve been in a relationship for almost 3 years and we have lived together for almost 2 years now. He told me about a month ago that his feelings for me has changed but he is still in love with me. He even told me he was talking to someone else (I don’t think going out but I think just like talking on the cell). It’s been killing me, plus we have a daughter together! He says, “It’s not you, it’s me!” He told me he doesn’t know why he feels the way he does because I don’t do anything to make him feel this way and he knows he wants to marry me. I don’t want to write too long so you don’t respond but I just have no clue what’s going on or what I can do to help fix things. Help me please!

Reply October 20, 2011, 10:26 pm


Hey thanks, this is a great site!

About two months ago, I was working abroad with a man where we were together almost all the time for two weeks. We got on really well and had some of the best conversations, intense eye-meets and weird pauses while watching the saucier parts of movies together. I just adored him, although, as I said, the sexual tension was… weird at times. I didn’t want to make a move too early because if it went wrong we’d be stuck working together all day for the rest of the week. On the very last day, we were both tired and keyed-up and ended up having a long talk in a bar about… nothing at all, our usual adorable nonsense. I imagine he felt the same way. I helped him buy shoes, for gossakes! It was really too intimate too quickly, but we were pretty much stuck together by circumstances.

I’m fairly sure he knew I liked him, because of accidentally leaving some bookmarks for sites like this on my browser and then letting him borrow it (that was embarrassing!). The day he left, I sent him a facebook message to say ‘thanks for a good two weeks, I enjoyed working with you, keep in touch’, very cool and non-clingy. To my surprise, about three days later I got a reply mentioning a private joke we had and ending ‘x’. I replied straight away (a bit over-fast, I suppose, but about my only clingy mistake!) in the same tone.
I’ve had three replies now, all scattered over the last three weeks, all ending in ‘x’ and all rather cute and bantery.

The thing I don’t get is – why the completely erratic posting schedule? I can understand ‘waning interest’ and I can understand ‘omg got to reply!’ keenness, but these replies have been an odd mixture of closeness theme-wise and distance time-wise, which I don’t get. Interestingly, the posts have been getting longer and longer, and the last one was about three paragraphs!

Reply October 19, 2011, 4:23 pm


Hey Eric! Your advice is amazing! Basically, I kind of acted needy in a new relationship. We met in the summer, had an amazing one month and now one and a half months of long distance. He said he would visit me but hasn’t yet. I kind of got desperate and started nagging him about it, because I miss him. I confronted him about it recently and he said he’s been thinking about whether he should come and visit me or not, basically saying that he’s not sure anymore… We haven’t talked since then, which was four days ago, I got a missed call today from an unknown number.(He normally calls me from an internet point). I think its him, but I’m not sure. Should I contact him and ask (by text) or should I wait for him to contact me again? I’m so confused and in love and really hope I haven’t messed things up yet. I think that honestly, I can only play it cool from now on, and not always call him…(I have kind of been initiating most of the time). What do you think? He said he had to think about things. Is this a good sign? (I don’t have a good feeling about this). He was the one who started the relationship by the way. Do you think he is regretting it at this point? By needy, I mean calling him every other day to say hi on skype. Please help me. I don’t know what to do and feel like I’ve messed things up. I unfortunately love him. How do I show this without pushing him away?

Reply October 18, 2011, 9:29 pm


Hey just wait on him to contact you again, this gives him time to think things out and miss you. He will call you back just give him time and if he ask why you haven’t called just tell him sweetly that you have been busy. It’s all a bit of a cat and mouse game when it comes to dating. People love the thrill of “the chase”.

Reply October 29, 2011, 10:44 pm


I’m in the same situation with a truck driver. Hope not same guy lol

Reply February 24, 2015, 8:43 am


Hi Eric, I think you are cool. I read all your articles and helps me a lot and it’s working.
Thank you.

Reply October 7, 2011, 1:32 am

Eric Charles

Thanks Joanna :)

Reply October 7, 2011, 9:48 am


Hi Eric, I think you are cool. I read all your articles and it helps me alot.

Reply October 7, 2011, 1:30 am


Hi Eric

Is that a real pic of u?

Reply October 2, 2011, 2:36 am

Eric Charles


Reply October 2, 2011, 12:26 pm


He’s so hot isnt he? lol How do I put up a pic? Not sure if anyone will answer this, this was posted last year! Not sure how this blog thing works

Reply April 4, 2012, 12:44 am

Eric Charles

You’ve got to set it up on

Then you’re little picture will show up.

Reply April 4, 2012, 12:58 am

Now what?

This guy and I have liked each other for 2 years (we see each other at work once or twice/week). I am recently divorced, so we finally went out a couple of months ago. He took forever to ask me out, and I was getting frustrated. I gave him my number and he didn’t call right away. He is extremely busy with work (doctor) and has visitation with his child every other weekend. Finally he texted me to ask me out. Our first date we just went out for drinks, and we ended up just sitting and talking for 6 hours! The next weekend we went out again (to dinner and back to his house). We got hot and heavy, and he said that we should stop because he doesn’t want me to think that he’s just after sex. I thought that was very sweet. We ended this second 6 hour date by embracing, kissing, and just showing our affection for at least 45 minutes. I have never connected with anyone like that. We both admitted that we’ve liked one another since we first met. It was amazing!!!

So…fast forward two months later. He called me once the week after we went out, and I called him the following week (just to chat since he had 2 weeks straight with his child, and he wasn’t free). After that, I haven’t really heard from him. I backed off so that he could contact me. Then about two weeks ago, he saw me and said, “How are you? I haven’t heard from you lately!” Ok…so I texted him to see if he was free that upcoming weekend. No response, so I called him on Thursday to see if he wanted to get together. He said we could see each other on Sunday, and then when the time came, he totally flaked on me! Then he sees me at work and acts like he’s still totally interested. I don’t get it!!!!!!! I’m not acting needy. It’s been two months since our date. WTF???? He acts all interested, says he hasn’t heard from me, and then doesn’t return texts and flakes on a date. What do I do now? I really have never felt this way before, and I can’t imagine hitting it off any better with a guy. He said he wants more than casual sex/dating, so why isn’t he making an effort?????

Reply September 18, 2011, 6:24 pm


“When it comes to people, it doesn’t matter what you think people should respond to – it only matters what they actually do respond to. ” AMEN!

Reply August 25, 2011, 1:37 pm



I need help.

I love my boyfriend very much. We had some difficulties awhile back but since I love him very much, I always accept him back.

A few months ago, I found out that there was some girl at work he was texting and calling her endearments. Then I found some of their conversation/chat in facebook, and I was devastated. I felt betrayed and inadequate. I confronted my boyfriend about it. He said that they were only friends, that the girl has family problems and she only needs someone to talk to. He said that the girl knows that I am the only one he loves and that there never will be anything between them.

I can’t understand what kind of relationship they have. Why can’t she go to her girl firends for advice and not go to my boyfirend? She also texts him messages only those in a relationship (girlfirend/boyfriend/lovers) do. I also feel she has feelings for my boyfriend and she does these things to get him to leave me. I also texted the girl and asked her to tell me what her motives are. I told her i’ll fight for my boyfriend. But she denied it and told me that they were only friends. she has the nerve to get mad at me and call me names.

I only want to trust and believe in my boyfriend because I really love him. So I tried to forget what happened and accept him again. But I received a text message from the girl one day saying that she wished she was me, because my boyfriend loves me. I replied to her that I love my boyfriend and I will fight for him. I told her to find her own man. She said she doesn’t have to because she found him already. My boyfriend also always tells me he loves me forever and he will never leave me for another woman. I want to believe him and we are building our futures with one another in mind.

I was never really confident after that, that the girl will not do things to get my boyfirend to leave me. I was right. She always texts him things like ‘she will never be happy again’ or ‘she wished that she will never wake up, to not feel her pain’, etc. I told my boyfriend that I can’t stand her texting him things like that. He told me he does not reply to any of the girl’s texts, and he never encourages the girl. I want to believe him, but I can’t really forget that once he responded to the girls advances like he has feelings for her too. It breaks my heart to think that I was not enough for him that he has to see/text the other girl for anything.

Now, I saw in her facebook status that she was “in a relationship but its complicated”, she also commented on a photo of one of her friends (a photo with my boyfriend on it) claiming “my love is sooo cute, right?”. I don’t know if she just wises to be with my boyfriend or their relationship was not really over?

I feel like crying. Why didn’t she stop with her illusions of being in a realtionship with my boyfriend if she doesn’t have any encouragement? or if he really does not respond to any of her advances? I want to trust my boyfriend but really I feel so betrayed.

I don’t know what to do.Please give me advice.

Sometimes I think I have to let him go, let them be happy. But I love him very much, that even if he hurts me a million times, I will still welcome him back.

Reply August 22, 2011, 5:08 am


I have returned to the dating scene after being married for 11 years, it’s been an adjustment dating in my late 30’s needless to say. Finding this site has been really helpful, insightful and most of all has a real behind the scenes look into the mind of some men. I do have one comment though that I still haven’t figured out an answer to.

So you back off from a man you are interested in and who has been “Flaky”, ” Not returning my texts”..etc. You give him space, go on with your life, be happy…and then if and when that day comes that he contacts you…you…?. Play nice and think “Wow, what a nice guy”?. Or, hmm it’s been 3 weeks since I last talked to you…I’m suspicious.

So what is the best way to handle a situation at this time? Of course if I’m still interested I’m going to want to reopen those doors to see what could happen but is there a process in making sure a woman handles this next round with her “guy” better?.

Reply August 15, 2011, 3:38 pm

the mystery

Honestly. You need to get ahold of him and meet up with him somewhere. Express your concerns requarding his flakiness. If you dont have communication. Pure communication in a relationship it will fall apart. When you ask him about it he will realize you care about he relationship/friendship more than he realized. But the biggest thing you need to remember is not to come off as obsessive about him when your talking to him. To most guys, that is a major turn off.

Reply August 15, 2011, 8:16 pm


This site is fantastic! Being new and unexperienced in relationships, this was perfect, and I now know for certain I’m doing the right thing and can have some loose guidance if I ever need it.
The texting article was the most helpful for me – thank you so much! :)

Reply June 27, 2011, 12:31 pm


hey emily, just keep living your life.

Reply July 17, 2011, 9:56 pm


ok. I am currently separated and have decided to have a fun weekend of no strings attached sex with a friend. We talked and texted and were having a lot of fun. He knows my whole situation and now he stopped texting. So I KNOW not to be needy, but, what about those who aren’t after a relationship just some fun. Is that too scary?

Reply June 20, 2011, 2:47 pm

Eric Charles

Neediness isn’t about how you act… it’s about how you react.
If he stops texting you and you react to it, sooner or later, you’re going to do something “needy” since you “need” him to act differently than he is.
It’s not no-string-attached if you have an attachment to how he acts afterward.
If you really truly want no strings attached sex, then you can’t care what he does afterwards. Otherwise it’s no-strings-attached-unless-you-do-something-I-don’t-like sex…
Get me?

Reply June 20, 2011, 4:15 pm


That is such great advice!

Reply December 6, 2011, 2:07 am

Eric Charles

Thanks :)

Reply December 6, 2011, 2:04 pm


I am so impatient now as I am waiting for his reply back. I was only 5 months there, He was my big boss at work and he showed many signs that he was interested in me but I controled myself thinking he was my boss, I did not want people look down on me at work. I also responsed secrectly that I was fine with that. he touched my arm, smiled at me, cared for me at work in front of people.- he was a big boss there. Then he left for another job in usa. Before leaving, he tried to get close and more open to me, complimented that he liked my dress, looked straight in my eyes, and asked me for a hug… i hugged him tightly and emotionally but he just pat my back, he said he may never see me again- because different country. That was why i did not go forward and control my feeling. A month later he emailed some people at our company and including me, my name was on the third one. and said keep in touch. I emailed him back next day and told him I missed him everytime walking pass his office and told him to be well, and thank him and think he is great. He emailed me back saying thank for nice words, and keep in touch. Last week, I emailed and asked him some questions, he replied late but nice polite way. I sent him something about encouragments article, then another email saying how I am now at work, and asked him if he would come back here for visiting- his family here. 10 days and no answer from him. I feel shame about my feeling for him but not sure how he feels about me. Maybe he was just trying to be nice because he was my boss. Maybe there is no more challenge for him after I told him I missed him and think he is great. He said to me before that:” I don’t like my people always say yes to me.” At that time, I was often ignoring him but he showed care for me infront of people. I regret to send out email to him, I feel embaressed. I may have to contact him by email for work in the future, I don’t know what to do.
Help me, reply to me please. Thanks,

Reply June 15, 2011, 10:10 pm


ok so i have a question;
my friend introduced me to this boy and we got talking and got to know eachother. Then on the next day he tried to ask me out but i was in Cardiff, when i came back a friend whichwe have in common told me he was trying to reach me so i messaged him on facebook just saying hi and no reply.

Now 2 weeks later and he tried to ask me out again but same as last time i was out, this time i did not message him as to not sound needy. Then the next day again he comes but i was in the shower and so again i missed him, this time again i messaged him on face book sayin *hey, sorry i couldn’t come out i was in the shower* and its only been 1 day and im willing to wait but from what u have read do i sound needy?

please respond to this because i have been asked out pleanty a time bur not by the right person. and i really like him.

also another quick question,
A friend we both have in common is asking me for him to save him from coming down to my house, but how ever hard i try my mind wont let me say yes incase my friend laughs and i dont want my friend to know, which of course is a stupid idea because she would find out anyway.

please, as i have stated above, reply to this because i need to know if he thinks im needy or avoiding him.

kind regards,

Reply June 5, 2011, 5:55 pm


It is so true and so unfair! I hate that game we have to play like we are uninterested. I just want to find someone that I can be myself around so I can be truthful about how I feel without scaring him off. Is there ever going to be a time when we both just like each other an equal amount so I don’t have to pretend that I only like him as much as he likes me? I really hope so. .

Reply May 29, 2011, 5:08 pm

Eric Charles

@Becca, Honestly, it’s not unfair necessarily… since guys try to do the same thing. It’s thoughtless, but walk into any “meat market” bar or club and you’ll see a venue full of people pretending not to be interested in one another because they don’t want to be rejected and they don’t want to lose their power position.
Real relationship starts when people can get past their own ego. Now – just about everything you see out there is vanity and ego driven, so it takes a person with either a) good role models in their life, b) lots of “learning experiences” in their life or c) a naturally conscious and considerate person… to be over and past all the ego games.
Some people (men and women) live their whole lives clinging to their ego and image. Everyone and everything they come into contact with is just a means to an end to whatever their goal or objective is.
So somebody who’s only interested when you’re not… that’s someone who’s interest isn’t in YOU… their interest is in how they can USE YOU to feed their ego.
At the same time, that might not be a problem for most people since having that person start taking an interest may feed their ego in return, so everyone’s ego gets fed and everyone’s “happy”.
At the end of the day, it’s a silly game of illusions and social “masks”. But it’s not unfair… it’s just an illusion or game that people play and then end up thinking is “real”.

Reply May 30, 2011, 2:58 pm


hi eric, my BF & I always play the silly game of illusions and social “masks” also it seems like whenever I care less, he tries harder and puts in more effort which causes me to end up liking him more again and when that happens then he withdraw or pull away or even igmore me…i got to the point where im kinda tired of it so i confronted him to let him know how i feel but i did not get any response at all from him other than a text saying “im sorry im just really busy right now” (by the way its a long distance relationship so we keep in touch mostly by phone). Anyway im really hurt & upset so i decided not to reply. i feel like i just want him to leave me alone for now and in vice versa, but on the same time im looking for an answer to understand why we do the silly game we played, so I got my laptop and start typing and somehow end up on your website and now im hooked!! your articles and advice was very helpful. All i can say is your amazing!!! Thank you

Reply October 19, 2011, 3:46 pm


Exactly… Thank you Eric. Everyone is needy, needs love. I came to the conclusion that, yes I have needs and if somebody will fight off my feelings and read things into my ”neediness” that I had never even contemplated, that’s emotional and mental abuse. A state of mind for some guys, who are cut of from their feelings and also from anybody elses. Such people want the good vibe for themselves and dump the bittersweet and ugly onto YOU. They are basically incapable of the real thing. It’s kinda like trying to teach a pig to fly, if you keep trying to get your emotional needs met by someone who is not aware of his own needs and who will even project HIS neediness on to YOU. I don’t play that game, I dump them right away – And let them know why too! But for those who keep trying to teach a pig to fly, I can attest that the games do work. But you gotta keep playing, until you grow really tired of it! Then you finally break up after years of trying to teach a pig to fly, cuz you’re emotional needs were not being met in that particular, so called ”relationship”. Duh?!
Save yourSELF Ladies. You own your love and best share it with those who can reciprocate.

Reply September 2, 2012, 11:37 am


This little convo has made me feel a lot better, thanks :)

Reply February 27, 2013, 5:48 pm


Great article. This is definitely what destroyed my first relationship…wish I had read it then! :)

Reply July 21, 2010, 11:43 am


Eric, thanks for your beautifully written words and thoughts and
sharing with us..
I have been in love and a relationship with my man for 10 months so
far,, and as i say it needs 10 months to have a baby born, and to have
a relation mature, I guess.. we live 3 hours distance by flight, and
till now he came 3 times to be with me. the burning thing is this
waiting.. this distance,it burns Eric.. I am writing to you from my
bed. i have flu, but missing him, needing him, makes me more sick…i’m
a adeeply romantic woman,,a real giver, and miss being able to give
him, pamper him.. my close friends are asking me to go get a life-
keep my normal life going,, but this cannot be the same as before.. i
want to do my acitivites with him- cinema together, dinning togther,
walking together…if feels lonely still if I have the whole world
around but not he… we spoke about marriage.. but it will take a while
to have it, a year, two three, i do not know,,,, do you think a
long-distance relationship can stand much time distanace?? love does
not change but people do..
I need him, want him by myside,, maybe not only cause of love,, but
cause I think of death as i do of life,, no one knows when their hour
comes, and I always have the fear of losing people I love,, without
spending much time, sharing happiness and sorrow with,,. life is so

my closest friend advised me to make him feel my life is stunning and
I am happy with my family and friends,, and there is no problem,, and
I do not need him,,how can i be like this if I am not like this,, how
can I make myself feel what I cannot feel?
Love is a desire, need, wanting,, not slavery,, so why women shall
show off and’bitch’up so men can feel them more,, and want them more,,
i dislike this idiot stereotype and way of tackling things

I do not want to wait for sacrifices from his side,, i just want to be
with him, through it all,, pains and laughters,, grass and
dust,,sushi’s and pagel’s…i miss him…
pride and patience are stupid for me now, meaningless cause i love..and love is all
what kills me from inside is I feel he changed since two months ago, i confroted him yet he denied..and said nothing is wrong..i feel something is going on,, something is giving him some fulfilment. i am not there anymore.,. when i need him i dont find him., even now i have to beg to be with him on line:( and i am accused of nagging..
what a pain is this takes a lot from a woman to make it survive..

Thanks Eric,…it suffices that we are born and will die with hearts
that beated for love every single breath

Reply June 1, 2010, 2:50 pm

that guy

Long distance relationships can be extremely difficult. Being in one myself, I know what your talking about when you say that he has changed as my gf has told me the same thing. It’s not so much that we have changed, its the fact that we are trying to figure out how to make you happy for being in a long distance relationship can grow tiring after awhile. My suggestion is to show him that you still need him and love him without being too needy as neediness in a long distance relationship will ruin a relationship faster than if it was in person.

Hope this help

Reply June 15, 2011, 12:34 pm


“My suggestion is to show him that you still need him and love him without being too needy “

Funny how people – especially men – love to give this advice, but nobody knows how to articulate a clue precisely how to do it.

Reply December 18, 2013, 12:39 pm

Leave a Comment


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"