A New Take On Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend post image

A New Take On Why He Won’t Call You His Girlfriend

A popular question we get for our famous ‘Ask a Guy’ section is: “Why won’t he call me his girlfriend?” I am not surprised at all, this situation is the worst! I’ve been there, my friends have been there, and it’s so frustrating and makes zero sense. I mean, you’re with this guy, you’re spending a lot of time together, you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.

Eric does a great job explaining what might be going on in your guy’s mind but I have some insights that, although from a female perspective, will be of great value as well. A few years ago I had my heart absolutely broken. The experience caused me to completely shut down emotionally. I was aloof, I was hard to read, I didn’t get too close, I was present but never available, essentially, I was a guy (in the psychological sense anyway!).

My ‘guy’ behavior caused the actual guys was seeing to take on the ‘girl role’ and they were always way more into it than I was (this was also due to my aforementioned heartbreak which rendered me numb). My relationships at that point would go something like this: we would meet, there would be a spark, we’d hang out a few times, after a few weeks I would freak out and feel trapped and suffocated, I would then lose all interest in the relationship and would do whatever I could to sabotage it. I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything. Eventually, I softened and started to warm up to the possibility of being in a relationship. This was when I met D.

He was really cute, really sweet, had a good job, and seemed pretty much perfect for me. I liked him a lot at first, well a lot in relation to how much I was capable of liking anyone at that point which wasn’t really that much. I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.

We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over. It was time to have ‘the talk.’ He brought up the subject casually at first, wondering if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend. I fidgeted and gave him some story about how I didn’t like to use labels and the topic was dropped. However, it didn’t stay dropped for long and soon it was ALL we would talk about. D would pester and push asking, in every way he could, why I so adamantly refused to be his girlfriend. He made some very valid points- we saw each other multiple times a week, we talked every day, we liked each other, we had met each others parents, so what exactly was my problem?

I fed him the usual crap, the sort that had been fed to me by guys so many times before: ‘I like things how they are, why mess with everything?’ ‘It’s too soon,’ ‘I don’t like labels,’ ‘I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship,’ blah blah blah. At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true. I did like him and I did want to keep seeing him but the prospect of making it official just didn’t feel right at that point in the relationship and I desperately wished he would just drop the issue and let things happen rather than forcing them to.

The more he pestered me, the more turned off I got and the more I resisted allowing him to brand me with a dreaded label. I wasn’t so much flattered by his eagerness as I was concerned by his desperation. I mean, why did this guy want a girlfriend so badly? Was he bad with women? Is he so insecure that he needs a label?

I did like D from the beginning, and I may have grown to really like him if he had given me the chance rather than trying to force me into feeling how he wanted me to feel when he wanted me to feel it. Him giving me all the power in the relationship was also very unsettling. I mean yeah it was nice, but where is the fun and excitement in having someone at your mercy? I knew that I controlled everything and it was really hard to be attracted to a guy that would let that happen. I’m not saying I wanted him to play mind games, but a little restraint and confidence would have gone a long way.

While all this was happening, I couldn’t help but think back to previous relationships where I acted exactly like D. It made me cringe thinking back to how confused and desparate I felt and how I would badger the guy in hopes of getting what I wanted.

So what is it about the title? Well for me, being an official couple meant that someday we’d have to have an official breakup and I just didn’t want to open the door for anything heavy or emotional to enter my life when I was still in a pretty fragile state. I guess by not being his girlfriend, I was pre-emptively avoiding all the messiness a breakup involves. Also, not being an official couple just made me feel safe, like there was still a distance between us that would prevent him from getting too close. I was terrified to let my guard down, who knew what kind of feelings and emotions would take hold if I did? What if he made me really like him and then broke my heart (which actually happened to me in high-school and definitely had an impact). The horror!

I eventually relented and became his girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the relationship soon fell apart. It just wasn’t the right time and rather than letting things happen organically, D was hell bent on forcing them along on his designated path. I felt very uncomfortable and resentful, not to mention furious with myself for caving in which I couldn’t undo, and it just got very ugly from there.

The reason I felt compelled to share this experience is I think it may help to see things from the other side. When a guy won’t call you his girlfriend it doesn’t always mean he doesn’t like you or that he never will. Oftentimes, it may mean that he isn’t ready to commit in that way at that moment. One thing I’ve noticed is that guys don’t bounce back from breakups as easily as us gals do. They can’t just dive right into the next relationship which is why, I’m sure you’ll notice, the guys that won’t call you their girlfriends are usually still licking their wounds from a previous breakup. It is a really frustrating situation to be in but remember, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or that you’re not good enough in some way. In most cases, it really isn’t you at all. If someone doesn’t want to commit, they’re obviously the one with the issues (I know I certainly was). In this situation, it is more than okay to adopt this adage: “It’s not me, it’s you.”

Are you with a guy who won’t call you his girlfriend? Have you been the ‘guy’ in a relationship? Do you have any additional thoughts to add? Well please share in the comments section!


Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

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I seeing a man with the same situation but to understand it real boils down to he’s not into you that’s the reason nothing else that was said about just broke up or whatever cause he would hook up and leave not stick around.

Reply January 30, 2022, 5:49 pm


I am in this situation…been dating 6 months. I jokingly said he should girlfriend me up one of these days and he said, “I’m just guarded that’s all.” I know what he is really saying and I deserve a man who WANTS me to be his woman. So as much as I don’t want to, I am pulling back. I have been single for 9yrs by choice and now that I am ready to love again, I am not going to settle.

Reply November 14, 2020, 1:45 pm


Nice work on up and leaving that takes alot of strength!

Reply January 30, 2022, 5:52 pm


How about this… I’ve been in my relationship for almost 5 years and he still won’t call me is girlfriend. Met the parents, kids and met all of his friends a long time ago. The kicker was his mother introduced me last summer at a family reunion as his “friend”. That really hurt. His reply when i told him what she said was exactly your excuses..” well, I don’t really like labels.” WTF!!
We both have a ton of baggage from previous marriages but I feel lost and insecure in our relationship. There are more reasons that him just not being able to say the dreaded “G” word.

Reply February 24, 2019, 3:22 pm


Well that’s not what I was expecting….I’m usually the guy in the relationship because guys take FOREVER to actually DO anything and I get bored if they are not pursuing me more. I do all the things that a great girlfriend does but in the beginning. It’s scares them off which is more than annoying. I get so frustrated in dating in the beginning that I just quit it for almost 10 years. I was the opposite of you though, I WANTED a relationship but I only liked guys who were in the female role because it made me feel safe to soften and none of them stepped up
to take charge as a man so I got bored. After 2-3 months I want something to progress’s least somewhere!! I’m not wasting my time for 6 months-1 year only to be dumped! I WISH I could be as numb and aloof as you were, I wish I could be so dead inside that I didn’t care because that seems to be the only way to get a guy. Sadly, I care so I will always be alone…….I actually hate it

Reply September 12, 2018, 12:47 am


This is a great article. I have a confusing situation that seems to contradict usual advice. I met a man who is also a loving single parent, he brought up his child alone, is a homemaker and a”good” man. This is despite having a job in the public eye in the music business. We are both in our late 40s, have similar values, interests and back story of being hurt by others and demands placed upon us by a narcissist father. He says I’m the type of woman he should be looking for, but suspected I was too nice for him (I used to be much more badass and don’t believe this but being a hard working single parent with an abusive ex takes that out of you ). From the beginning he says he was “committed “ to me but as friends who have sex and would one day still be friends who don’t have sex. I met his friends and family was invited to his place of work he treated me to trips away and ticked all the usual boxes. We did thus for 4 months. However, he said that he only falls in love with damaged women who he can fix. They are also usually much younger He also put a wall between us of what I believe is a fantasy situation in is head, a woman he is besotted with who was returning to his home town. She is not returning his texts. He has been engaged to someone else since has had this crush so it seems to be more of a guard that he puts up. Choosing younger partners who can’t love him back is also a good way to avoid closeness. In summary I would say he is “running scared”. He recently had some extra major stress with work and became distant. I misinterpreted and took s negative view, reacted badly and called off the sex which I now regret. He is monogamous, only sleeps with one person but wants regular sex, he is now hooking up with a woman in her 20 s who was around, he’s very attractive to all. He says he will likely not be in love with her either . He recently came to see me and we had an amazing time but no sex because of the new arrangement and otherwise, the communication and arrangements are reducing. I feel that he has low self esteem and also that if I had not reacted we might have built up trust over time. Without the sex there is no driver for this to move forward due to the distance and difference in expectation. He is a great man but one that needs some healing and I am utterly distraught that I got heavy too soon about his commitment at a difficult time and withdrew sex! Counterintuitive to most advice. He is the first single parent I’ve met in 9 years. I may never know if he would have changed to love real emotionally available women with some support. He certainly thinks I will be there for him and has all the power afyer this which is unattractive. I tried to reclaim my power through no sex but failed and now I’m destroyed by my decision. My choice now is to accept his distant preoccupied friendship or turn my back totally on the best man I’ve met in 10 years. Heart broken.

Reply February 11, 2018, 4:23 am


Please Please please i need advice for both of us to soak in I’ve already busted the seal on going through his phone and finding what I may feel is meant for me and he knows that not ok but me going through some isn’t a silly approached as it typically is and I think because he is wrong but here’s the deal he I guess at one point considered himself a king what she should well at this time in his life he did he voiced it and others forced it to him as such and return did he voice his opinion or so calling them Queen yes well not he doesn’t use King with me since we’ve been together but one time and it was so Random so awkward because I’m not Queen to him nor have I ever been called that it was difficult but she understands that I don’t like seeing stuff that is or should be meant for me to someone else so if you understand I don’t see it why would he do it right today is the 21st I believe Wednesday with the 19th or Wednesday there was a Snapchat giving good riddance or safe travels or so to someone despite the situation despite the relationship despite whatever anything else it could be applied he had a Snapchat saying safe travels Queen on Wednesday did he say this definitely before Wednesday and if you know how I feel about calling others not what they aren’t but I don’t understand how it’s okay to call somebody that when you can’t even call and don’t even call the one you’re with you say you’re in love with a queen. No he did not call her his Queen just Queen but I don’t get it either. I’m not saying it’s not fair and I don’t necessarily have anything against the girl but what makes anyone and everyone else if anything this one or any of them a queen and not me like why aren’t I and why can’t I be a queen or his queen or why can’t he state that I am it can’t be because what I mean think or feel or how I may react because he has never done it so can’t be because of any of those cuz that would have to mean he had called me that before I need insight for him and I so when I share everything he can have an understanding not just a biased opinion of females

Reply April 21, 2017, 1:02 pm


I live with a guy for 5 yes 5 years …. Only once has he taken me out for a drink I met 3 of his mates for a night out 4.5 years ago and he has never taken me again
He absolutely looses his temper if i go near his phone saying i dont trust. Him
He work s 5 nights aweek 6pm until 6 am but never as any money yet says he earns £300 sometimes more per night

There is no mention of me on face book he even put up a picture of our dog i painted no mention of me I think people thought it was a photo
He never initiates sex unless he is away from work for more than 3 nights
And will never take a shower before only after and refuses to wear a condom sayin I should trust him
He flirts with people on his phone even men asking a guy in the office if he wanted a real man for bumming his words afew days later the guy invited him over for coffe at midnight. I’m keeping quite he dosent know i read his face book messages i know mates flirt but I’m scared of catching HIV
And is this normal i live in his house I met his parents elderly

He says he has never cheated. But I’ve slept with him twice this year we live together
Tonight because I noticed he put a new white shirt on got up one and a half hour early for work and left shouting. Because I asked him why he was going in so early
Something feels wrong

Reply March 1, 2017, 2:27 pm


Hmmmm … This sounds pathetic… If he takes u out more often, displays u on fbk or even still proposes u… Those it make him a good man going by his anger , disrespect and flirty life…
Why do u expect him to make u his wife when u are already living with him.. Re u sharing the house rent or u re living there free..
U need to get a life, a good job, take care of itself. Date other guys and if this dude is the only guy in the universe who u can love… Which I doubt ..he will come back to u and u can actually talk…
Don’t be scared to ask him those questions u ask here..
Don’t want u to waste ur 5 to 10 years in a blind ended relationship

Reply September 10, 2018, 7:32 am


Sorry but why are you staying with this abuse?? Get your things and go girl. That guy is a narcissistic a-hole. He’s giving you nothing and will give you an STD! Protect yourself, leave and go find someone else who will love you!!

Reply September 12, 2018, 12:52 am


I’m in one of these almost-relationships with someone (for about 5 months now) who has recently stated he doesn’t know yet what the future holds on the love front, but right now is not that interested in a serious commitment because he doesn’t know where he wants to live (not in this city) and doesn’t want either person in the relationship to make a sacrifice for the other and end up unhappy, has done the marriage thing already, yada yada. But has expressed how much he likes me, treats me as his girlfriend, has invited me on long trips and to hang out with his parents on their visit, keeps in touch every day, and doesn’t seem interested in seeing anyone else. So aside from the label and some emotional closeness, we’re in a relationship.

It makes sense to me that someone may be afraid to take the plunge because becoming ‘official’ means opening yourself up – to vulnerability, to the possibility of a messier breakup, etc. – because I too have felt some of that this whole time. (I’ve questioned if he is ‘the’ person for me.) But really, after a certain point it’s inevitable you’re going to get attached whether you’re trying to or not. Especially talking to someone every day. So we are all fooling ourselves if we think ignoring the label means we’re not still getting ourselves into a sticky situation!

I think I’d find it difficult myself to risk losing someone I was truly into, since those people show up so rarely for me. But then I understand fear of commitment. So the question comes back to, is it just that you’re not the right person for him, or can someone’s resistance to seriousness for whatever reason be enough to keep them from that person? Maybe sometimes it really is that something has come too easily. He has his physical needs met, and a companion on call.

So with this new information and with my feelings having grown (rather unexpectedly) I’ve started detaching. Dating other people here and there, planning my weekends for me (catch me way in advance or perish), and taking some of the control back. I don’t see any other way to navigate it.

Reply January 24, 2017, 10:05 pm


I am in this situation at the moment with a guy who says exactly what your article does. For a very long time I’ve been trying things his way, with only very small, slow progress. I’m still trying because our relationship in some ways is better than it’s ever been, but we also argue more and more because I feel I am giving/comprising way more than he is. I appreciate what’s being said in the article, I Like it’s honesty. But what I think is being neglected to be mentioned is that it is a very huge ask to want the other person to change to exactly how you like things and how you feel comfortable with. Where’s the compromise? Neither side should have to do everything to be like the other, and I don’t expect it from my guy, but I expect give and take. How much can you really care about keeping that person if you don’t give much back? I’m thinking their independence is more important to them than the relationship. Fair enough. But then why do they stay with people like me? Because it’s nice to have sex and companionship? I guess the ball is in my court then to let go if he is being honest about what he does and doesn’t want.. but I feel I’m being slightly manipulated into thinking there’s more commitment around the corner if I stick with it. IT being everything his way and when he is ready.

Also, I wanted to mention, no one likes neediness and it is not a good trait, but it infuriates me when people like my guy don’t acknowledge and understand that their behaviour is a contributor to this needy behaviour. It breeds it. Why is it that I’m not a needy person with anyone else in my life, except for him? It’s because he makes me feel insecure by not meeting me half way with my needs when it comes to being in a relationship.

I’m completely torn between the two sides that are expressed in all the responses to this article.. 1) that if you chill out and not pressure the person they are more likely to want to commit down the track 2) that if they don’t want commitment now they never will and are just using you for sex and companionship. I hope I figure out which one is right soon, because this has been going on for years and in some ways our relationship is slowly getting better, but in other ways I’m really not happy and find myself anxious and miserable more than I should be. The best I can come up with for now is to change the focus from him to myself, and concentrate on my goals and what makes me happy.. me me me.. because after all, that’s what he’s concentrating on, him, him, him.

Reply January 21, 2017, 12:12 am


Omg I’m going through the exact thing he doesnt get that hes literally the only person that finds me needy… everyone else in my life bothers me about being so distant… it’s because he makes me feel insecure and not worthy of a title like gf… like it’s not like we’re getting married I’m so annoyed. If he goes days without texting me and I get worried… (because shit does tend to happen to him like very dramatic shit…) he freaks out gets scared and says things like he hates when i get worried like that and he knows I’m only showing concern but it’s a turn off and it makes him disinterested…. (smh this fucking guy)….(we’ve been talking for 3 years)…. he’ll talk down to me and lower my confidence and comfortability with him then say things like “we’ve been talking for years if anything happens you know I’ll let you know.” … okay but God forbid you were in the hospital I would never know… that’s not fair… a few weeks later (present-day) he did write me for 1 whole day… which is fine… then writes me in the night while he was at work saying “That was so rude I didn’t reply to you all day.” So I responded it’s fine I’m not feeling well…

Point is he knows what a freaking jerk he is…. And I hate that he has this hold and this loyalty with me. He’s told me things about me and how he wishes he could truly persue me and literally went in detail about everything he loved about me but he just isn’t ready to date yet… meanwhile we are dating other people and I find it funny how hes dating yet doesn’t want a gf… and I find it hilarious how these girls are being taken out by him… hes only taken me on a real date once… and it doesn’t even count because it was the movies. After our argument last week I made it clear to him that I don’t have any intentions of being his girlfriend anymore. After he stated… no one has demonstrated so much that he could put all his eggs in one basket and he will have a gf when she presents herself to him. I fucking hate him. His affection towards me is bipolar… either he adores me or he talks down to me like this reminding me that I’m not worth shot to him…

I think my problem is… I find him so attractive…and when you’re as picky as I am when it comes to dating… it’s so rare for me to find someone attractive that can actually flirt back with me and stick around for years… And and the chemistry never disappears (at least in person we flirt non-stop like we just met) and I love that. The only flaw in him is him not wanting a gf…. ps… we started as friends with benefits and issues came up that he had to deal with which caused him to tell me how much he loves me and I’m his bestfriend… so it went from fuck buddy to lover and now I’m guessing back to fuck buddy…. idk

I think like you said my best bet is to focus on me me me… cause hes only worried about him him him….

Reply June 5, 2017, 3:06 am


Hi reader
Omg I’m exactly where you are. A mirror image. My thoughts and feelings are entirely the same. I really don’t know what to do. We been together for 14 months now and like you said things are slowly progressing but not much. He gives mixed signals which I cannot interpreate..i know what kind of relationship this in my heart and it really does hurt.sex and companinship.i know I have my needs too which is great but you cannot help in time get attached. In the beginning was fun andcrazy.wehad such good times and I clewrlydidnt mind what the situation was..but fast forward 14 months and my feelings have grown for him. I tried to finish ittwice but hedoesnt want me to leave him and deep down I don’t want too either. What do I do…. Let it go on for years and waste my time or do I carry on hoping it will improve?. Heswyshedoesnt want any otherwise apart from Me and is not interested in meeting or dating others but yet at same time wont call me his gf. I dont know if i should date others as he is stopping me from finding someone else and maybe a more serious relationship. You cannot help your feeling and in woman. Theychange like the wind. He seems to put a block between us anytime i question our future or if i make plans for the following week. He wont commit.

Reply March 25, 2018, 4:09 am


I met the man Im seeing 2 years ago in my apt building. We we friends and hungout a few times then he started breaking plans so I cut him out. About a year went by (I did like him)…ran into him- we reconnected. He has a very busy life more thanme esp. in summer as hes a golfer too. So we started hanging out he took me on many dates to eat, walks, hiking, music concerts.We get along great. He has fallen for a woman before me who he wanted as a gf but she dot not like him that way. There was no sex with us for over a year, but that is how he he is its respectful. So 4 months ago we got involved sexually as well and over this time problems started. First off he never contacts me I have to text him first. He responds back. Neither of us like texting much we are over 45. So I fell for him and he knows how I feel, he wont make me his gf. He pushed me back and forth 8 times in 3 months to friends it was a hell for me, once it was when we went to
a concert and I spent 1 hr getting ready for it. He also goes back and forth- last time I saw him its always amazing our time together, we never fight, but the upset is caused by him pushing me back and forth into friendszone- he states its because I get too emotional!!!Well really gee who wouldnt…and he had told me hell see others and I should, he was after a woman 3 months ago who is married and she likes him…Im mad about that- he told me he wont go near her unless shes single….but it shows you he changed how he feels for me. Lately he said Im the one he fantasizes about, that Im the only woman for him, that hes not seeing anyone…..and he even said we should adopt a child or have one together- he mentioned this 3 times now to me, he never had kids nor did I. Then when we are not together, I dont hear from him unless I text and usually I have to make the plans. I have got angry and told him I dont want this casual thing I want a committed relationship, and now he says we are just friends! but we have sex go figure, hes called me beautiful, he said no woman has loved him like I do, yet for xmas no plans were made so im gong out of town, and I still have no met his friends or family yet they seem to know about me, at least his friends do, tells them about me and esp. about our sex life- which he said is the best he ever had…….lol…dont get it, he wont buy me a xmas gift but he wants to have xmas drinks before I leave….I never loved someone like this……he plays guitar I play piano, we deal with arthritis, I deal with a hand injury, we think alike, he loves golf, I love sports also….

Reply December 16, 2016, 2:15 pm


It’s now end of March I’m still seeing this man we are still not committed. I found out he loves another woman door over a year before he met me…thats why we were friends for a long time. I’m still hurt about him and I he takes me out places and always pays, he calls me his best and only female friend, that other woman was no good she never cared for him. I’m trying to turn my life arou nd to feel better about myself….he still claims there is no love but there are feelings. Peovkrm is he’s my best friend here I’m not from this city it’s very hard to make friends here….

Reply March 22, 2017, 6:28 pm


I am the same boat. I started dating a guy in January, we see each other 3 to 4 times a week. We are not seeing other people. After 8 1/2 months I asked him how he felt about me because he doesn’t say anything. I got the “I really like you a lot” and I enjoy hanging out with you and our friendship. I was and am crushed. Why? Because I love him. I know he has his own issues at home dealing with his senior citizen parents, etc. I have not problem with that. But, he still has not introduced me to his family, or friends. He is quite a recluse and a loner. What do I do now? I love this man, crazy about him, would walk through fire. And I get “I really like you alot”.
Problem is I’m 52 and so is he. I havent had many dates since my divorce over 25 years ago and out of all the ones I have had, this man was deceit and didn’t try to pull my clothes off of me on our first date. Should I just accept this as the best I am going to get and accept the situation as it is, or just stop seeing him and live the rest of my alone and lonely again. At this in this situation we saw each other 3 or 4 times a week and I didn’t feel so sad all the time and was actually happy for once in 26 years. Help

Reply August 26, 2016, 2:15 pm


I was dismayed to hear your story. At any age and after however long and no matter what our prior relationship experiences, we should value ourselves highly. If a partner cannot commit and reciprocate committed love I believe that person is not in step with where you are and it can only lead to heartbreak and regret for losing time not being with someone who could. I’m not saying there are not worthwhile aspects to what looks like a partially unrequited situation but there may be fundamental issues neither partner confronts if either accepts the status quo and doesn’t face up to their respective needs and issues that block the expression of these needs. I’m single at the moment. I’ve attracted men with many issues not just with commitment but deep seated emotional issues which for me the two have gone hand in hand and they have been unconsciously looking for a self esteem extension through me; someone who used to accept, tolerate, love and support no matter what. I have unconsciously modelled my mum’s way and becoming co dependant. Instead of this; working on my intrinsic self worth and seeing my good and how valuable it is with healthy boundaries (key) will mean I will reject situations that are not in step with my good and accept those that are. It’s taking faith, consciousness and work on processing old feelings of rejection, abandonment and loneliness to reset myself to taking care of my inner self and needs first and foremost. I believe this is what you can do too so you become healthy within to attract someone in step with what you truly deserve; a committed loving stable and sustaining relationship.

Reply June 2, 2017, 11:16 am


We have been going out together for over a year now. I was in a 34 year marriage to my partner who died a year ago. I was ready for a warm loving relationship. He is a widower of ten years after a happy 34 year marriage. However we have problems. He calls me his partner and I do the same.
However, he has a grown up son of 33 who lives with his own wife and small child. The son made him promise he will never have another woman. Also his son thinks people over 50 do not have sex or relationships and thinks it is disgusting. There is also his son’s aunt, the sister of my partner’s dead wife who feels the same as his son. He has therefore not had the courage to tell them I exist. He is afraid his son will tell him to choose between us. So we carry on, but when his son wants him to spend the weekend or go up there, he goes and I am left to do my own thing. He cannot come on holiday with me because he would not know what to tell his son. My partner is the sort of man who is one woman only, I really care for him and I know he cares for me. I will not have any talk with him about things, because I do not want to push him into a situation with his family because it could have a bad outcome. This man is good for me and we are continuing doing things together in between him being called to go and stay with his son and family. However, part of our life is missing. I have a friend who used to be my partner. He and I did everything together and I broke up with him for this man because although the other man loved me and wanted a lifelong partnership, I did not feel the same for him. Despite his bitterness we remained and are friends but in secret. That is because my present partner absolutely forbids me to see or go out with another man. I can have all the women friends I want, but men are out! I do not know where we are heading with our relationship, he has told me all about his family. At the end of this weekend I am going away to Italy for ten days on my own to see my friends there. I wanted to see him before leaving but his daughter in laws mother is holding a birthday party as its her birthday and they want him there Friday, Saturday and Sunday. He has texted them because he wants to see me before I leave, to ask what the plans are because his make friend who has a boat might want him to go out on it and he would like to go. He showed me the text. He is awaiting reply. This is because he wants to really see me part of the time at least before I go. I just wish he could have told them the truth that he has a partner or woman friend and wants to spend some of the time with her. It seems so simple to tell the truth, yet he is afraid of his son’s reaction. I really do not know how this will turn out. I do not know how to deal with it either. He is a widower of ten years, he is free and yet he is more chained than a married man!

Reply June 27, 2016, 1:25 am


Thank you for all of your and Charles’ articles & advice, I really have learned alot. I’ve learned to quit being needy and let him have his space, because it I don’t he can be a real dick. He won’t call me his gf, but he won’t leave me alone either. I don’t know what to do & think anymore. He tells me he cares about me more than I will ever know, but he still wont tell me he loves me, (one time he did, in the three years we have been together off/on), and he still won’t call me his gf, even though he tried to at one time, but he also said, “I don’t love”. If he doesn’t hear from me in a few days/weeks, again giving him space, he can’t wait to see me and shower me with love….I’m so confused and don’t know what to do anymore…ugh. Thanks, any advise would be wonderful…I love him but I don’t know much longer I can do this. I have tried breaking it off a few times and every time I do he sweet talks me into coming back. Can you help?

Reply May 29, 2016, 4:29 pm


I am 63, former guy was 62. We were together for almost 3 years. He never called me his girlfriend. Told me he loved me and that he thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. Never, ever, did he come the 20 mile, 35 minute drive to pick me up. Never. He gave me a little gas money when I finally complained about it after a year or so. I always called him, he called me when he needed something. The sex was good in the beginning, it dwindled. All the small little things that we did that I enjoyed that I could get him to do, such as hot tub, short Harley ride, 4 wheel rides, photographed me numerous times, lastly we were down to a simple walk in the evening. All stopped, All. We went to a few dinners in the beginning, a Christmas show, visited some friends of mine, then it all stopped. I drove out on week-ends with my little dog to be with his little dog, but he spent more time telling his dog how much he loved her and cuddling her in his arms on the sofa, to turn his back to me to fall asleep. I stayed with him, hoping for those little glimmer of hopes that I would get, thinking, ok this is turning around. Just to be snatched away for the next month, or so. I finally had the writing written out for me, when he broke up with me, by leaving a note on his pasture gate where we entered to come into his house, to get my things, leave the keys. He called a few days later, explaining that he thought I had found someone. We went back like we had been, only things progressed downhill. I went in for day surgery, and he was to pick me up when I got home as I could not drive for 24 hours. We talked about this for 3 weeks, yes, yes, he was coming he said. Night before, yes, call him when I get home, he would come get me. Long story shortened, NO, he did not with very lame excuses. I drove out Saturday, the next day, all was as normal. No apologies, didn’t even mention it, much less ask me if anything was found, how did I feel, nothing. No apologies for lying to me, none. On Sunday when I went home, I couldn’t stand it, so when I called that night like I always do, I told him in a very kind voice, that he had hurt my feelings. He said, “what did I do”, I explained & in the middle of it, he said, “I’ll talk to you later” and hung up. That was 3 months ago. No apologies. I moved out, for good. No going back for me. He has a violent temper, so my breakup was with a very sweet, kind, letter, but finalized. Did I mention, he never called me his girlfriend, Every. I am ready to meet someone who will.

Reply March 5, 2016, 5:17 pm


please help me with a cheating BF .. Please have him realize how great we are together and move forward as a team that is happy like no other and he will treat me and my children with respect at all times..And we will be there all the time for each othe

Reply February 27, 2016, 5:22 am


Here’s my story (and John, Sabrina or anyone really – any words of advice would be really appreciated):

I met a boy (10ish years ago) in August 2006 when we started university. We were in the same program. At this point, he was seeing his high school sweetheart, who he claimed to love very much. Two months later (by October), we were talking over text non-stop. We were talking on the phone all through the night till early morning, spending time at school all of next day, going back and talking again till early morning. He’s the protective and insanely jealous sort. But before anything had started between us, I had told him things I had done with my previous (and only) boyfriend, and I would still talk to other guys to get a reaction out of him. One time, at school, a teacher told me off after which I cried, he stood up for me in front of the teacher and publicly held my hand. Anyway, in December 2006, I told him how I felt about him. He held my hand again and hugged me. I kissed his cheek. Three weeks later, we were fooling around a lot more – and things were catching heat. He was still with his girlfriend. Things were confusing at this point, and I hadn’t asked him to leave her. We stopped talking, and started talking again (decided to just be friends). Then we stopped talking again because I still liked him and things were confusing. Finally, his girlfriend moved to another country and they decided to break up. We started talking again (we were in school together). Eventually, we started fooling around (physically) again as well. This went on for another 3 years, until my family forced me to move on and forget about him. I did. I emailed him about how I wanted to end things. I asked him never to contact me again unless he wanted to be with me for good. He told me that would never happen and that I should stop waiting.

I did wait though. A year and a half went by with zero contact and I was still waiting. At this point, I found out that he was seeing someone else. This really opened my eyes, and gave me clarity as to the way forward. There was no choice but to move on and forget him. I did. I had started school for my masters and I went abroad for a semester exchange. Things were good and I felt happier than I had in a long time. But there was always a void, something missing. And I knew it was him. I don’t know what was going on on his end though. It looked as though he had hooked up with his high school sweetheart again only to be heartbroken by her, but I’m not sure.

So after three years of zero contact, I re-emerged in his life. This was 14 months ago. I thought we would just be friends. But soon we started talking a lot. I told him I had learnt my lesson and that I was guarded this time around. But soon enough, we started to sleep with each other. The first time it happened, I told him I regretted it, and that really hurt him. In order to make him feel better, we did it again, and again. And everytime we do, it makes me feel weaker but I feel good knowing that he feels better and that this at least brings us closer for the time being. Anyway, to cut the long story short – it’s been 10 years and I’m still confused. It seems like he likes me because he texts me non-stop, even to share the little-est of things. He doesn’t sleep without texting and texts me first thing in the morning too. He is attracted to me and loves the sex. However, everytime something about spending our lives together comes up, he says “he would rather die than spend his life with me” jokingly. He thinks I don’t understand him and can’t make him feel good. Last time I said (when he remembered my period date) “I don’t know why we can’t be married” to which he said “because you’re a pain in my ass..lol”. We’re 28 years old, and he still talks like he’s in high-school. Trust me, I’m NOT a pain in his ass. I treat him well, with a lot of kindness and patience, I care about his needs, we have fun when we’re hanging out, we laugh together, I hardly ever bring up “the label talk”, I hardly ever talk about the future, if anything – I make it look like it would be extremely difficult to be with somebody like him in the long run.

I’m from a traditional Pakistani family where my parents are looking for a man for me. He encourages that strongly and wants me to finally settle on one. He said he needs a 2-month notice though before I decide to marry somebody else – because that would be sufficient for him. I don’t know what I would do if his family were to ever find a girl for him and he was to get married to somebody else before I did. I want to beg him to just marry me and make things simpler for me – but I would never do that. I don’t want to be with him if he doesn’t choose to be with me.

I feel like I’ve wasted my life on this man. And I don’t even know what for. My plan is to keep on going until the very end – until either I find somebody else or he does. until I have tried everything to get him to commit to me. I’m not sure but I think i want to give it my all, and that it might be worth it in the end.

Reply February 8, 2016, 4:33 am


Also, he calls me his ‘bestie’ and we have the same circle of friends (from school). So it is impossible to avoid him unless I move cities.

Reply February 8, 2016, 4:36 am


He’s also told me that I’m the most important person to him, that I’m “precious to him in a way that nobody else can be”, that I mean a lot to him..

Reply February 8, 2016, 4:48 am


if D didn’t pressure you, would you eventually be with him officially?

Reply December 23, 2015, 3:23 pm


I like how it’s all ‘I know this guy for a few months’ and i sit there thinking I’m seeing a guy for 1,5 year and we are still not official. I mean we live in different countries but see each other and talk everyday. When I end my university I planned on moving to his country. But it won’t happen! (Long story). So WHERE THE HELL am I then??????

Reply December 18, 2015, 9:41 am


I’ve been through both, as well. It’s nice to be reminded of the other side. I can’t understand for the life of me why both men and women at different times become total wins. I consider myself a confident person but have acted like a wimp, I consider myself a person who is not needy but I definitely have the needy and certain situations. I think it’s important to slow down and remember we are human and give yourself the same patients that you give to other people. A lot of women are people pleasers and do things to be excepted and they need to turn that kind of kindness around for themselves to receive from themselves.

Reply November 27, 2015, 10:46 am


My story begins 2 years ago exactly. I searched and found a guy that I had previously had a short-lived summer fling with 27 years before. We both happened to be single, and damaged, and we immediately jumped into “I WANT YOU AGAIN” mode. I found him 900 miles away, coincidentally, living in the same area as lots of family and friends. We messaged almost daily for 3 months. Talked on the phone a few times, also. From the start, he stated he’s not looking to get into a relationship right now. However, the mutual desire to see each other was heavy. My desire got the best of me, and I finally texted him & told him I was coming to see him. He jumped at the opportunity, and planned to see me the next night. I rented a car, and drove nearly 8 hours. He drove also, in my direction, so that we met on the highway and he booked a nice room. His first words: “Its like no time has gone by”. The connection was chemical. The romance, the cuddling, the snuggling, the talking, was all undeniable. That was 2 years ago. We’ve seen each other once every 2 to 3 months since then. And it’s still amazing. He’s very guarded, and doesn’t show feelings hardly at all. He has opened up to me more & more, and has become more comfortable with me. Progress on his part. He has stated we will “never say goodbye” and told me he cares about my feelings. When we’re together, his actions speak loudly. He seems he desperately wants closeness. He’s very affectionate and loving and with each visit seems to open up to me more and more with deeper conversations. I have fallen deeply in love with him, and he knows it. But he keeps a distance. Keeps his wall up high. My feelings and attraction for him won’t allow me to break things off. I love the times I share with him. I have several things pulling me in the direction of relocating there. It’s very possible. It’s been awhile now since he has said anything about “not wanting a relationship”. Talk about mixed signals…Advice?

Reply November 15, 2015, 1:13 am


Well…here I am…still involved. Since I wrote that, we have continued to get together here n there, about every 2 months, and its amazing. Every time. His feelings have been slow to evolve, but he has admitted he does care alot for me. I finally met his son. The one thing that he always made clear was his son being his whole world. His son seems to really like me, and likes the idea that I am considering moving there. He said “I’ll always want to see you” He finally said, face to face, “just because I don’t say ‘I love you’ doesn’t mean I don’t care. Oh yeah? Well, what does it mean? Does it mean you might decide you really do love me? Or does it mean you never will and you just expect things to stay the same forever? I said to him “I need to move on …” He said, holding my hand and playing affectionately with my fingers, “You could…”. It’s like he feels absolutely nothing. How can you care about someone, and never want it to end, and yet remain feeling-less, with a take it or leave it attitude? What if I feel like I am unable to give up on him? What if I feel that I absolutely can NOT stop seeing him? Is it possible to shut my feelings down? Its been nearly 3 years now. The passion is still unbelievable. I don’t want to stop seeing him. Am I rushing it by feeling impatient with him? Does he still need more time? What am I doing?

Reply August 15, 2016, 1:10 am


Update please! I desperately want to know how this story progressed!

Reply May 20, 2017, 2:20 am


Thank you so much for writing this. It was extremely interesting to read it from a girl’s perspective rather than a guy’s. I have too been seeing a guy for almost 3 months now, and he will not call me his girlfriend. He got out of a terrible relationship of three years back in December, while I broke up with my boyfriend of two years in March after he cheated on me. While I have been able to bounce back rather quickly, I still feel like his wounds are still there from his previous relationship. I enjoy hanging out with him as we have been doing and we seem to get a long really great. Reading this article helped me out a lot by trying not to rush and label things. I know he likes me, and vice versa so enjoying our time together is probably the best thing to do. After all, maybe things will fall into place at the right time. Thank you so much for this article, and helping me see a different perspective on this issue that so many people seem to have a problem with!

Reply August 13, 2015, 11:33 pm


It’s great to get a picture from this perspective. I am seeing a guy that’s emotionally unavailable because he’s just out of a 10 year marriage.

It seems like he is able to date women but just not allow himself to get tied down. Now he’s with me and doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, we have a great time together, connect well and spend quality time together. But he tends to stay somewhat detached so he doesn’t have to connect deeper.

I understand now that the timing isn’t right. I let him know that we aren’t going to tie each other down. And he appreciated that I understood his perspective and am giving him space.

I just want to focus on enjoying him and the friendship for what it is. But, I like him so much that I can’t help wishful thinking that we’ll be a couple one day.

I’m trying to also stay focused on living my best self and having a great life. I do find it hard to carry on like a couple but know that being a couple is NOT what he wants or will allow himself to have anytime soon. It’s alright though, I’m letting things happen naturally. I want someone to want to choose me, not feel like they “have to” choose me.

Reply July 28, 2015, 12:45 am


How did this go?

Reply July 21, 2016, 12:22 pm


OMW this could not have come at a better time. Last night marked date 7 and we were having fun, joking around and then boom he drops the “so we need to talk” bomb. I felt my stomach literally do a tumble, I smiled and simply said. ok go ahead. He started by saying that he enjoys spending time with me and that he loves my positive energy, that he doesn’t want to hurt me or set me up for any expectations, that he is just not ready for a serious relationship, he came out of a serious long term relationship at the beginning of this year and he is just not ready. That his work life is hectic etc. All the normal blah blah. I told him I respect his honesty and I understand. I have not asked him about his once, I haven’t pressured him or complained about spending time together. I’ve not asked for any dates or even done the dreaded over msging, he’s initiated contact 95% of the time and asked to see me 100% of the time. He told me he wanted to thank me for not ever putting any pressure on things, that he wants to continue things the way they were. That we can stop the physical (sexual) aspect and just still spend time together and see what happens. I asked him if he wants to continue going on dates with other ppl and he said that he’s not actively looking for that but if the opportunity arises he wants to know that he can do that. I told him I thing its best to not have sex any longer and if he should have sex with someone else, that he needs to tell me and visa versa as that is a very clear indication of things. He asked me to spend the night and we ended up just cuddling on the couch and in bed, no sex, and he didn’t try to push me either.
I just don’t get it, I did everything right this time. I held off on sex until I felt we made a deeper connection. I left the “chasing” up to him.
He packed me lunch this morning and asked me to just return his container. He’s asked me to help him this coming weekend with some baking. etc.

Reply June 1, 2015, 1:47 am


Oh I forgot to mention. I told him in my experience when a guy says he does not want a serious relationship etc, what he is really saying is he doesn’t want a relationship with you…that he is just not interested. I told him its best to be honest as that would make it easier for me and he needs not worry about hurting my feelings or my ego as I know its no reflection on me and it just means that its something with his preferences etc. He then told me that is not the case at all, that he is interested he’s just not ready for something serious. That he still wants to see me. I was so confused, decided to just drop the subject. I did however ask him if he has seen anyone else since me, and he only said that he had one date with someone else, he had mentioned this to me before and said that he wasn’t interested in her as she was a bit coo coo.

Reply June 1, 2015, 1:54 am


Id like to know how this turned out for you??

Reply October 6, 2015, 11:25 pm


Well nothing changed from his side and I got over it. I told him I could no longer see him and that I need to move on. He wasn’t very happy and he is still trying to reach out every now and then. He has asked to see me a few times but I’ve said no. I have actually met a very nice guy at the beginning of August and we’ve been seeing each other since then.

Reply October 7, 2015, 9:03 am


I am going through the same thing, We were ”together” for like 7 months and he would always just tell me that he was not ready for something serious. Like 2 weeks ago he said that he was in love with me but still not want a relationship. And he calls me his significant other…… He had to go abroad for a job and we don’t know when he’s coming back. But I dont want to wait and see what happens. I feel like I’m wasting time, he’s cute and all but I’m tired. I am commited to the relationship but I’m not sure about him, and I don’t like that. I think I’ll do the same as you and just move on. I’m super glad you met someone else and wish you both the best :)

November 5, 2015, 2:31 pm


Thank you for your story .This is exactly what I a currently going through.I have decided to leave him and am struggling with the feelings I have and letting go. You have given me some hope that I will be okay and find someone that wants the same thing as me.
Thank You for sharing

January 8, 2016, 8:04 am


I’ll start off my saying that back in November my boyfriend left me for another girl after a 2 and a half year relationship. Needless to say I was heartbroken. I had always thought he was the one and that we would get married so when it ended my world fell apart. Fast forward a couple of months and I decided to message this guy that i knew on facebook and ask him where in the area he took his jeep offroad (i am part of a jeep club but only go 2 times a year because it is so far away). We started talking and he eventually aasked me if i wanted to go see a movie with him and i said yes. Things went amazing. We had so much in common and got along amazingly well. There was never that awkward silence between us and at the end of the night we kissed. Ever since then we’ve been hanging out and i fall for him more each time. At one point we were talking about past relationships and he said he had jisy recently gotten out of one where he had his heart broken and wasnt ready for another one just yet but wanted to see where things went with us. Now ive been told that before by guys in my past and every time they end up hurting me by finding a new girl and just throwing me to the side so im extremely nervous that thats what is going to happen between ke and him. I really enjoy his company and he says he loves hanging out with me and wants to continue to. We haven’t had sex yet but we have fooled around a bit and i guess im just worried that thats all its gonna be and i dont want tthat.like i said i have so much in common with this guy more then i even had with ny ex and im really startingt i fall for him but im also scared at the same time. He even invited me to go to florida with him which is in a couple of weeks and im ecstatic about it but im nervous at the same time. I want things to go further with this guy but im scared they wont. Part of me wants to end whatever we have so i dont end up getting hurt but then theres the part of me that doesnt” Any advice is much appreciated

Reply May 28, 2015, 8:36 am


I have been seeing this guy for 7 months now, the first few months didn’t really count because I had a boyfriend, I know I know its wrong to do that but we were just having sex until we started texting each other all the time and meeting up. I started to like him after awhile, I used to never come to his house we would just meet up somewhere else like a park or something. When I did come over it was late at night or I’ll leave early in the morning, now I come over all day long and spend the night I hang out with all his close friends and he invites me wherever he goes (not if he wants guy time which I totally understand) but he DOESNT WANT THE TITLE. He just got out of a 4 year relationship about 2 years ago which ended really horribly because she cheated on him and he beat up the guy who she was with. I just dont know what to do..

Reply May 9, 2015, 3:25 pm



Similar situation with a much better understanding now, and thank you! The odd thing about mine is he said when he thinks of an acceptable “title” for me it is Mrs. (his last name) which he said he does’t want to rush. I still find it odd that I am not his girlfriend yet, as he claims to be very into me. I suppose time reveals all things, just wish men/women would learn to offer the security needed in a relationship and at least try to claim what they want as theirs or simply don’t bother at all.

I just told him earlier today, even before I read this post, that I will no longer be “girlfriend material” without being his girlfriend. So, I guess I am on the right track. Shortly after that he said was he wants us to try to focus on the positives that lie within the future and stop focusing on the hurt from the past. I guess this means eliminate the pain we have both experienced and start fresh.

To be completely honest, I am in love with this man. He is literally a gift from God, and I would do anything for him. I just want to make sure I am being treated the way I deserve.

Reply May 1, 2015, 1:53 pm


I completely agree with you are your last comment, I believe I’m falling for this guy too but I really want to make sure I’m getting what I deserve. Couldn’t have said it better myself! Best of luck to you and yours!

Reply May 4, 2015, 3:22 pm


What if the relationship is long distance? I would think the time table would be a bit different on when, as well as the circumstances on how to have this talk because it isn’t a conventional situation. That is where I am confused. Are there any articles that address knowing how to read him in this situation

Reply April 11, 2015, 8:12 am


This is a great article, but I’m a little confused about something… So I’ve been dating a guy for 2months, and we are exclusive and we have both removed our dating profiles (he initiated it), so I guess we are on our way to the Talk… But he was out with my friends and I the other day and my best friend cornered him unbeknownst to me and asked him if we were bf and gf… He didn’t say too much to her because we hadn’t spoken but he did say to her that we are moving in that direction but that he was apprehensive about labelling it since his previous four year relationship hadn’t worked out blah blah (dude, it’s exactly the same for me and I’m ready to jump in there, and his breakup was 2years ago). Point is, I really do like him, and we are very compatible… So do I hang on and see whether in a month we have the Talk and it moves forward, or do I protect myself and cut my losses now seeing that he’s using ‘excuses’ and seeming a bit wishy washy re ‘moving in that direction’… I am happy to put myself out there if I know it’s reciprocated, but I feel like I’m old enough to be more wary of protecting my heart if a guy isn’t being straight up. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t need the title or anything, I’m busy and have a good life and stuff to do, but I don’t want to pursue something if I’m missing the warning signs at the start that I should be backing out.

Reply March 24, 2015, 7:52 am


I’ve been dating a fantastic guy for 4 months. We talk every day and see each other 3 times a week. Recently I told him I was falling for him and he said he has “strong feelings” for me but that this was not part of his plan. He also brought up getting out of a relationship (2 years ago) but one that ended in an ugly way (she was bipolar). From what I can tell that drained him. Things have been very good with us. Fun, easy, etc. and I was surprised by his negative reaction to my feelings. He even agreed that when we’re together we’re on the same page.

I’ve made my feelings clear, and don’t want anything to change. I just wanted to hear that he was open to exploring this further, to which he agreed. If we make it through this awkward time (this just happened less than a week ago) I guess I’m just curious if I’m wasting my time? I don’t mind going slow and see if his feelings grow more and if he sees that not all relationships are as big of a strain as the last. I was in his shoes in my last relationship and I did come around. It just didn’t work out because of real compatibility issues.

I want to be hopeful because I do see huge potential. Am I a fool?

Reply March 19, 2015, 8:03 pm

Sabrina Alexis

Hmm… what exactly is “not part of his plan”? Falling in love? Being in a committed relationship? The way he phrased it strikes me as a bit odd. Other than that, it sounds like you guys are in a good place and things are going well. Four months is relatively early in a relationship…at the same time, it is the point at which things should start moving. I think you should try as best you can to put all of this out of your mind and try to continue enjoying the relationships. Don’t give in to any thoughts rooted in worry, fear, or insecurity. Try to stay positive and happy and focus on building your connection. After a few weeks to a month, I think you should have a talk with him about where things are going (assuming it’s still unclear at that point, which hopefully it won’t be). Before you have the talk, get clear on what it is you want….and what you’ll do if he doesn’t respond in the way you want. If he still isn’t ready, or it isn’t in his plan, then I think you should move on, unless you’re okay with things not changing and staying as they are for the foreseeable future…

Reply March 19, 2015, 8:32 pm


Wow! You hit it right on Sabrina. I have been in the “emotional state of a guy ” and it is kind of im-masculating:to a man who wants you. It just all seems to be a state of mind. I can’t stand to see a man whine and be needy and desperate. It is such a “buzz kill” Many times I just want to hang out and just be .. no expectation… no work….just fun and true friendship. But on the other hand I have also been the analytical obsessed “option girl” whose an emotional Sun rotatating around Saturn…..the thought of it makes me cringe!!! I think it is all revolved around fear. Fear of losing, fear of being lonely, fear of hurting….one has to be whole and emotionally healthy to allow love to truely grow. The mind knows all this….but it’s the heart that does not follow rules or reason.

Reply February 18, 2015, 8:30 pm

Sunday School

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Reply January 10, 2015, 12:28 am


I am in a “non-relationship” relationship and the above article helps me understand another view of why he won’t call me his girl friend. I am so happy to have read this because everything I have read basically is telling me he will never want to commit. We have been together in a sense (exclusively although not labeled) since June and it is now December. When we started to see each other and things got a little “hot”I asked him “what is this?” And he said “let’s just say friends”. I was ok with this @ the time…although as time went on and we started seeing each other all the time those feelings do start to happen. As much as I tried to squash them because I didn’t want to ruin anything…I couldn’t. I tried to withdrawI, I tried to not respond to his texts, I suppose I could have tried harder but I totally enjoy his company. About mid November I asked him about going exclusive officially (as we are the joke amongst our friends) which is pretty funny. And he said “that he didn’t want a relationship yet” but he also added he didn’t want me to get hurt because he cared so much about me” I asked him what he meant by that and he said he just didn’t know how long it was going to take for him to be ready. Now before everyone reading this says I am a fool you must understand a few background notes: #1 I have 3 kids and am going thru a divorce (basically finalized) #2 he is in his final year for mechanical engineering and his work load is crazy intense. As well as works full time. He has not dated anyone since his break up with his girlfriend of 2yrs. Now yes there seems to be a few things going on here. I told him I would be fine as I am a patient person. I have not brought the subject up since, but it also has not changed anything between us. We are still together always. Every moment he has available he spends with me. He stays at my house 3-4 nights a week. He texts all the time. He holds my hand all the time and at night we fall asleep holding each in twined. He buys me things and calls me “love” “dear” etc… I have met all of his family. Gone to multiple family gatherings and been to two weddings with him. He is very affectionate and not afraid to show it. (Not in a gross way publicly) I will say one thing and I set this rule in the beginning…if he was to sleep with another person I was gone. And his response to me was “he respected me enough to not” we have been completely honest with each other. I am ok with how things are. As basically we are in a relationship. And he is “considering” making it finally official. (His words to me the other night as our friends are really throwing the heat on him) my response… “Don’t do anything that you feel pressured into just be happy” he is amazing and sometimes patience is what’s needed.

Reply December 10, 2014, 7:48 am


This is exactly the same scenario as I am experiencing now, and have been for the last 6 or 7 months. Literally!
I’ve met all of his friends and family, even spent Christmas with him but have been so down and out about why he doesn’t want to meet my family, or put a label on us. Everything I have read about these sorts of situations have been so disheartening…despite it’s the other that has commitment issues or even personal walls to break through its extremely easy to take personally.
So glad I read this blog, and so glad another regular Joe like me is going through the same situation. Thanks for posting!!!!!

Reply February 5, 2015, 5:07 am


So last year I was hooking up with someone and eventually fell for him and then when he ended things with me I was really hurt. I spent 6 months crying and resorting to alcohol to forget about him. Eventually I did but im still traumatized by the whole thing. So this year in may i met someone else that was a huge upgrade from the previous guy. He treated me pretty well and i guess the fact that he was so different from the last guy is what made me think that things with him were going to work out. It’s been 7 months of dating and through out these 7 months he’s let me know that he’s not ready to commit. he feels that being in a relationship at his age (27) will only stop him from really living his life. I know what it is to be with someone that you like but you’re just not ready to fully commit. It doesnt always mean that the person doesnt like you but like mentioned above it’s other issues. So my problem here is to find out if i should stick around and hope that things will get better or just end things with him (although i already have twice and he still calls me to hang out and try things out again) He makes me happy at times but I absolutely hate that he’s not affectionate with me in public because it makes me feel like he is trying to hide me. Like god forbid we see someone he knows in public and he’s holding my hand. The other day I told him that it would mean alot to me if he came to a family lunch i was having at my house and he gave me a bullshit excuse as to why he did not come. I do not know what to do with him.

Reply December 3, 2014, 9:52 am


This was like reading my own story.. Constant excuses. It hurts me so much to be out with someone I love, and he won’t hold my hand. There is not one photo of us together and nothing on Facebook. From what I have pieced together, the break up with the mother if his two children was a tough one and it still is hard on him as he doesn’t see them more than once a week usually, but this still is not a reason for him to keep me such a huge secret.
I think he does care about me, we speak every single day and when I see him (normally once week) things are usually so perfect, but I don’t know if I can cope with being a secret from everybody and not meeting anybody his side, when he’s happy to meet all my family. I need to learn some self respect and value myself, it’s a year and a half in and nothing’s progressed. I love him but how long can you put someone else in front of you for??

Reply January 11, 2015, 9:37 pm


OMG! This is my story, I’m so serious. What was the result? I know this thread is old. I hope you see this and let me know if/how this story ended, please! Lol

Reply August 10, 2015, 5:25 am


This is a load of horse dung. You basically led the guy on.If you did not want him, should have just told him that from the beginning.

Take responsibility for your feelings and stop blaming others for your insecurities.

Reply November 28, 2014, 10:13 pm


Sometimes you don’t know it until you’re already in the middle of it. Sometimes we think we are all better and ready to move forward and we just need to push ourselves before we come to the realization that something is still broken inside. Open your eyes and try to view things from a different perspective. Truth is, we are all searching for the same thing, some of us just don’t know how to get there.

Reply January 29, 2015, 1:51 pm


I have been dating this guy for 5 months. I have been seeing him for 9 month, first only for sex. I soon had feelings for him and let him know as well. He made it pretty clear that he was not looking for a relationship just coming out from one. I left him a couple of times telling him that I do was looking for a relationship and that he please should accept to not contact me. He showed up at my house each time telling me that he had feelings for me as well and that he misses me when I am not with him. I gave in each time. Once he even told me that he loves me. But I was never really happy with what we had and he noticed as well. I would have my moments sometimes calling him wanting to talk about why he did not want a relationship with me. He said he enjoyed beeing with me and doing things with me and that I was an amazing person but he also said I was 27 and he can not give me or any girl what they want at this point in their lifes. He was always caring, calling, texting all the time beeing the perfect guy but by just starting his masters he said he was to busy and we just started seeing each other twice a week. I then started to get unhappy with that again feeling that he doesn’t want to do anything with me. As many of you mentioned and what I just realized is if a guy truly wants you he will and want to show it and will make time for you. And I believe if he doesn’t want to give you a title it’s time to move on “fast” because you are wasting your time. Most couples decide after 8 weeks that they belong to each other and they don’t need to give themselfs any headache. Also I think if he doesn’t want to call you girlfriend he simple feels there is something missing to make you his girlfriend. This is not about you but more about him. Maybe you are not a 100 % his type or he doesn’t see you in his future. I think last is the case in my no relationship. A couple days ago I called him asking ” if the timing for us isn’t right in the moment, will it ever be ? ” “Can you see me in your future beeing with me ?” If not maybe I am not enough for you and you feel something is missing. No answer ! ( is an answer too ) . He texted me a day after saying he can feel that I am not happy with him and that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore. Looks like I was right ! And I am here alone crying my heart out because this time I know he won’t come back.

Do never put yourself in this position. If a guy doesn’t want a relationship it’s because he doesn’t want to have it with YOU !

Reply November 15, 2014, 12:37 pm


Hey, my questions is much like those I’ve read below.
I’ve been speaking to this guy for 3 months now, been meeting up for I’d say 2. I am taking the 3 month rule approach, whereby I date him for 3 months & see where we are at the end of that.. its fast approaching that time.. I stay round regularly & he is very attentive with me. We are both the same love language (physical touch) so cuddling whilst watching a film is something we both enjoy more than dates & meals out etc (although we do that too) he asks too see me all the time & is always the first to text, I don’t say yes to everytime he wants to see me..he has joked (but been serious too) about moving in together but a bit confused as we are not actually official? I know he really likes me I don’t doubt that but still a little confused on what he’s actually thinking? We’re both very open & honest so dont mind approaching him about this just not sure how to go about it really. Although I’m not that concerned about a label I do want a relationship but dont want him to reap all the benefits.. x

Reply November 10, 2014, 6:56 am


I would read Coleen’s experience below and think about it. Or, if you feel you have that open and honest intimacy, just ask him what he sees himself doing in a year. Or what he’s wanting to accomplish in the next five. If it doesn’t include you, you’ll have your answer without having a “relationship” conversation.

Reply November 10, 2014, 9:46 am


Thanks for your reply Trish.
I’ve actually worked out we only started talking 8 weeks ago so probably only been meeting for 4 weeks so my question seems a bit silly now :) I have read colleens post & although I agree with taking a back seat & seeing how things go.. will wait a month or two more :)
Thank you x

Reply November 10, 2014, 11:35 am


Hello! I don’t need advice, but I just wanted to share my experience. :-) I moved to Japan just over a year ago. I met T, a Japanese man, shortly after I moved here. In Japan, people don’t say the words I love you and if they do it’s only when it’s a very, very meaningful moment.

T and I clicked almost immediately. And we dated for months before I let my typical cultural response and insecurities get a hold of me and have “the talk.” It went a bit poorly, with him feeling very uncomfortable, and me feeling very pathetic. I was for sure thinking I had pushed him away. But he came back the next day, wary but there, and we just didn’t talk about it. Well, since then, I’ve adapted to a different culture here and I’ve just started going with the flow, enjoying the moment, not worrying about labels. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of insecurity, but over the past few months I’ve become confident in what appears to be a really solid relationship. It’s been over a year, and we still don’t call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. But we have an intimacy and a caring for each other that I’ve never had before. The more I backed off and just enjoyed our relationship, the closer he and I have become. I try not to worry about our future and just enjoy what we have.

So, it’s one of life’s greatest paradoxes and greatest mysteries! But Sabrina and Eric are right that when you choose to focus on your own life and go with the flow, the relationship makes itself. I’ve learned so much just from adapting to a different culture. We can’t all have that same experience, but we can definitely learn from what Eric and Sabrina are telling us about this way of living in a relationship.

Choose ease….
And good luck out there!

Reply October 20, 2014, 1:01 am


I’ve been looking for advice to my situation for a long time, and this post really hit home.

I’ve been on and off talking to this guy for 3 years. We dated for 5 months the first summer we met, and everything felt just right when we were together. I met his family, he met mine, we spent everyday together. We opened up to one another and it felt like I’d known him for years. We never put a label on us, but I fell in love with him and I always thought his feelings were mutual. Then he had to move 4 hours away to finish school and things got complicated.
When he moved away, I fell apart. I had just graduated college myself and wasn’t happy with the career path I had chosen. Before him, I had only been in a 5 year relationship that ended miserably when that guy moved to North Carolina. I had no idea how to be alone. I constantly worried. He was a bad texter, and I’d automatically assume he was talking to other girls when he didn’t respond back. I freaked out. In turn I really messed up our relationship with lying to him about something really important..No need to describe what I lied about, but it made him feel betrayed and we stopped talking for a couple months. When we started talking again it was mostly sexual. I drove to see him several times, in hopes to make him see my remorse for lying to him and to have sex. We still had a great time together, and I could feel him starting to open up to me again. Well the distance got the best of me. I was lonely and he wasn’t serious with me. One of his best friends (lets call him guy 2) from back home started talking to me and asked me out on a couple of dates. I actually liked guy 2, so I went out with him. I soon broke it off because all I could think about was guy 1 and how much I missed him. I told guy 1 about how I’d gone out with his friend, and he again felt betrayed. We went rounds with each other about it for months. Over texts, over the phone, I’d call him crying drunk, we’d argue and fight for hours about it.
The next summer, we still saw each other every couple weekends. I drove 4 hours to see him, and he would see me when he was home. We always seemed to have a good time, but he said his feelings for me had changed after what I’d done. I could tell they had, but I ignored the change. He was always upfront with me, but I refused to see how his feelings could be different. So once summer ended, and we couldn’t see each other as often, we began to fight again. I felt as if he’d used me for sex (even though he’d been upfront), I felt obsessed with him, miserable, and depressed. I was making him miserable too. So once again we decided to stop talking for about 4 months.
It came around to Christmas and I sent him a merry Christmas text because I really missed him, and I wanted to see if he was ok. We slowly started talking again through text. But I had also started talking to my ex of 5 years again, so I didn’t pursue starting anything up. I soon realized that door with my ex of 5 years was closed and that’s the way it should be (he now has a girlfriend and it actually makes me happy to see him happy). Anyways our texts got more and more frequent and we started to see each other every few weekends in the springtime. Things seemed very different this time around. I had changed my path in life, and decided to go back to school to finish my teaching degree. I was finally happy with my life. And he said he could see I was happy. He said he could see I had changed and grown up. It seemed like all of the past had melted away with us, and we could be very comfortable around each other and have fun! FINALLY! Our relationship grew deeper and deeper this summer. He started saying things to me like “I never want us to stop talking” and “I see us getting married one day.” I met more of his family and friends over this summer, and we would visit each other every chance we got.
Well now its the fall……..school has started back up for the both of us, and I just don’t want to lose him AGAIN! I know I won’t make those previous mistakes, but we’ve had several conversations about “us” and he just simply says he can’t move past the things I’ve done (lying and going out with his best friend). He says he may feel differently with time (“it may be tomorrow, a month, or a year”), but he just doesn’t know. He always reaffirms that he really cares for me, and doesn’t want to lose me, but he can’t make the commitment I’m looking for. He’s even said if I find someone back home that its ok, he just wants me to be happy and he never wants to hurt me. Well I am happy, and I’m focused on getting my teaching degree. But I am starting to get really sad over us not being together together. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I’ve grown to truly love him and want to share my life and future with him. I don’t want to pressure him because things have been so good with us. But at the same time its been almost 2 years since those things that tore us apart happened. I am a different person now, I’ve grown into a woman and the goals I have in life don’t line up with the needy, worrying girl I was back then. We have also grown stronger and our friendship is much deeper and always honest now. My heart says to wait it out. Give him time and make happy memories together, and he will naturally want to commit to me. I just don’t know how long is long enough. I hate distance. We both will be finished with school in 1 1/2 years. A lot can change in that time. I don’t want to push him away or lose him again, but I also want to be in a happy, healthy, and COMMITTED relationship! Sorry for the book here. Any advice?

Reply September 22, 2014, 1:24 am


Hi Sabrina,

I totally understand what you are saying.
I have been trough it myself and i understand why guys can not commit but when do you know if a guy is just not ready to commit for right now or using you untill something better comes along. I do not mind waiting but i do not want to wait so he can just break my heart in a thousand pieces. I honestly do not know what the right thing to do is. With both decisions comes great risk.

Can you or one of the guys who read this please help me out? Or is there no answer?


Reply September 19, 2014, 6:37 am


I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now. We talk every single day, see each other regularly and definitely act like we are a “couple”. But…no official bf/gf title. I’m all for being patient, taking things day by day and letting things happen on their own if they are meant to be, but I’m just curious how I can go about asking where his mind is at and if he does see what we have right now progressing any further or not. I don’t want to freak him out but I would like to know if I’m the only person he’s investing his time in or not. I’ve been in situations like this before and I’m not the type of girl to date multiple guys at one time. Any advice on how I could do about asking would be greatly appreciated!!

Reply September 9, 2014, 4:44 pm


Hi Nikki. Men are creatures of action. Men use words for negotiation, not for feeling out a situation. If you ask him what he’s thinking and what he wants, he’ll likely tell you what you want to hear so he can still get what HE wants. If you tell him what YOU want, he WILL respond with action.

Simply tell him what you want out of A (ANY) relationship. Then let him think about it for a couple weeks, or as long as you are willing to let it set. If he doesn’t start giving you what you want, then make plans to break it off and find a man who WILL give you what you want.

That sounds like a terrible thing to do, but it’s not. It’s just you looking out for yourself. No matter what you do or say, you don’t know where this relationship is going to go anyway, so make YOUR desires known. Once he knows, the ball will be in his court. His actionable response will tell you what to do. If he steps up and makes it official, great! If he doesn’t, then that’s good too because at least you will know you can stop waiting on him now.

Just remember I am NOT a psychologist or a behavior specialist, nor do I have any credentials that allow me to give this kind of advice. I am simply a guy on the other end of the Internet who has an insatiable curiosity about women and relationships. If you think you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed professional. And always take care of the self.

Reply September 10, 2014, 9:00 pm


Gosh thanks John for your comments. I m so had thst I read your insight from a man. I am so confused with my situation that idud actually what you said before I read your comments. So strange that came to my decision. I been seeing him for 14 months now and he knows that I have fallen for him. He told me that he doesn’t want a relationship or make me his gf but how long do is it or am I wasting my time?. I told him twice now how I feel and basically said it’s all or nothing. He laughed but knew what I meant. Then I said he has 3 months and he said for what. I didn’t answer but then I said it’s up to him. The ball is in your court. I don’t think he looked it and and asked me to stop playing games. I said I wasn’t. Anyway I’m carrying on now not brungingthesunject up again and see his actions now.
Saying that, I was ill last 2 days and I didn’t think he was concerned about me but I was abit shocked that he was ringing me every 5 mins asking if I was ok and how I was feeling better. He was practically taking to me all day and said that he really cares about me and does have feelings for me. I will wait and see if this is one off .as you say action speaks louder than words.. I wait with bated breath as this cannot go on forever..as much as I like him. I want to be on control and my happiness counts not just his.

Reply April 7, 2018, 4:32 am


We’ve been dating 7 mths he says were in a relationship, he “likes” me very much, doesn’t want to break-up. We only see each other 2 days a week yet live very close. He wants his space, note he is 62, I’m 52. I’m tired of arms length relationship

Reply September 4, 2014, 1:45 pm


I obviously don’t know your circumstances, but after only 7 months, what are you looking to get from him? Do you want him to move in with you or vice versa? He says he needs his space (is he recently divorced?), and probably does. Probably doesn’t want to deal with another person in his personal space. If you are looking to get more serious with him, you might be barking up the wrong tree. Or it’s way to early to tell. Personally I would just date other men, if he’s only willing to see you twice a week and you want more. He may be incapable of giving it, or just mY be playing the field, see what he can get away with.

Reply September 4, 2014, 10:36 pm


Sabrina this is so true and real .. I think nowadays there is no people without package from the past, we are all wounded, we all been hurt and it’s so terrifying to get into emotional dependence to someone that we keep guarded until we feel secure enough. And it takes time. Relationship is so fragile thing , I think they should be treated very very carefully. Labeling , the talk, neediness make so much pressure I know it from both sites that I prefer being in indefinite ones with no closure no agenda. You never now at which point any of two will be triggered and freak out.

Reply July 30, 2014, 6:50 pm


Hi I’ve been dating this guy for a month we have fallen
For each other.. We have both been through
Bad break ups I was still trying to heal an being happy with my self
Yes he was a handsome guy an just looking for friends
Was all that I was looking for at the time well we started talking an getting to know each other he gave me his number an with in a few days my life an was turned around feelings started back up we had strong and when I say strong I mean like head over heals strong feelings for each other more then what we had planned.. He said all the right things at the right times made me feel something I had never felt before in my life an that was real love.. Like I could see it feel it hear it etc etc.. I’ve only had 3 real committed relationships an I can say I’ve never felt that feeling that he gives me.. Now a month has passed an we now tell each other I love you but he’s not saying were boyfriend and girlfriend an there’s no reason y.. I’m confused bc how do you love someone an say I love you when your just dating??

Reply July 10, 2014, 3:11 pm


so, I’ve been seeing this guy for about five months now. He previously was in a long relationship with the only other girlfriend he has ever had… we are in a monogamous relationship, have met each other’s families, and use to see each other every other day. Recently we haven’t been able to see each other because on conflicting work schedules but we still talk daily. However, recently I felt like I haven’t been getting an equal amount of effort in the relationship and talked to him about how I needed to be met half way or I was walking away, he since then has made more of an effort but still no labels. His excuse is that he want to make sure we can make our relationship work before we label anything because he doesn’t want to have a ‘break up’ once school starts up. According to myself, it would still be a break up today if we went our separate ways. Little does he know, I’m in love with him but, how do you tell someone you love them if they don’t even want to claim you as their girlfriend? Shouldn’t the man you’re with want to proudly call you his girl? How long is too long to wait? I’m stuck and I don’t know which way to go?

Reply June 12, 2014, 1:32 pm


i really enjoy this website and how much i’ve learned and surprisingly alot also that i naturally already knew. this is actually crazy for me to say but in the 2 relationships i have had, one of which i currently i’m in…i have almost always portrayed “guy” behavior. reason being is that both of them have told me this themselves so yes i’ve been there and from my personal experience, i dont really have a trouble getting a guy to like me so much as me feeling comfortable with being their girlfriend. i haven’t ever had my heart broken before, but actually alot of what you have mentioned as the usual female qualities of neediness in my life has always been on the guy side. i’m not really the needy type except in the beginning of a relationship, after that even with my own boyfriends they complain about me not caring or needing them instead of needing too much. is that weird?

Reply June 4, 2014, 2:46 pm


This is such a tough position and I’m stuck right now. I met this guy over 11 months now I’ve been his non-girlfriend. He says he likes me more than friends he just wants to keep it the way it is. Super frustrating and wondering if I should just cut my losses. Especially since he’s always on dating sites but he’s wanting to move in….so confused and frustrated.

Reply May 17, 2014, 12:41 am

Broken Heart

You’ve got to move on! I’ve been in this same exact situation. If a man wont commit to you AND he is on dating sites… you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak. My ex finally made a commitment to me after 13 months of dating. And it was because I gave him an ultimatum… he broke up with me just 2 months later and I was completely devastated. After two weeks of no contact he called me to hang out and of course I saw him. This back and forth, non committal behavior will hurt you, confuse you, destroy your heart, and your trust.. I advise you to run, not walk, run away as fast as you can! All the best to you.

Reply June 27, 2014, 1:42 pm


Assuming you destroyed a chance with a guy after being so needy. Would you be able to start anew again? What’s your tip on this? I really wish to have him back but now that I have learnt so much from here, I wanna be myself and not revolve my life around him. At the same time, wish that he will come back.

Reply April 2, 2014, 9:08 pm


Okay, but what if you’ve known the guy for years and have both dated on and off, he tells you he loves you, and that he wants to be with you yet he still can’t be your boyfriend or even spend time with you its the beginning of April and I haven’t seen him since January. I invited him to a formal event in about a week or two and when I ask him what’s his answer he just says “idk” and it is so frustrating because I don’t see the issue, if anyone has been hurt the whole time it would be me, he told me one of the reasons he wanted me is because he knew I wouldn’t lie to him and I absolutely loathe cheating so he knows I won’t hurt him. In all of the conversations we have had all of his sentences are about one to two words tops. I told him I would give him another chance when we started talking again. But the whole reason we stopped was because he got mad at me for hanging out with a guy friend at the bowling alley (both me and the guy I’m talking to, let’s call him A, are on the team, my friend just randomly showed up) and decided to immediately start dating my Best Friend’s cousin, and he openly admitted he knew it would hurt me. When I agreed tostart “Talking” to him again, he swore he would try harder not to hurt me and try harder to spend time with me and make me happy. Yet here he is now, turningme down every time I offer to let him stay over (which is often, I have a high sex drive and he knows I’m not offering just to make him stay with me, I get annoyed when I don’t “get any”) we haven’t had sex since January, all we do is text, when I ask to talk on the phone he says he’s too tired, you would think he would be more than ready to come see me considering he leaves for basic training in September. Were both young, but I’ve already graduated, he’s older than me, but he decided to not get out of school earlier than scheduled. I just don’t understand what’s going on here. When he’s working I don’t bother him, he doesn’t like it. He usually doesn’t care if I text him during school hours but as soon as I ask about seeing him he stops messaging me as if he’s busy when I know he isn’t. The only reason he stayed at the school is because he wanted to help out with the ROTC program. The whole time we were on the bowling team I was always buying the food and drinks for both of us. So will someone explain this please? Because I haven’t got a clue on God’s green earth what is going through A’s head.

Reply April 2, 2014, 12:27 pm


. . . And you WON’T have a clue what’s going on in his head – nor should you. Don’t you think it’s hard enough trying to figure out what’s going on in your own head without having to figure out some else’s? Rileyy, it is a futile effort to read the thoughts of a person in order to help that person help you be happy. Further, it’s not your job to fix him. Your job is to make yourself happy. Notice what I said: It is YOUR job to make YOURSELF happy. It is not someone else’s job, nor is it the job of a relationship to make you happy. Nevertheless, it seems this (so-called) relationship is making you UNhappy. So why are you still in it?
There are over 3 billion men on this planet, several thousand of which are eligible, willing, relationship-minded men who live within driving distance of your home. Don’t be afraid to “lose” this guy; I am pretty sure he is not afraid to lose you, and is secretly hoping he will lose you. Why? Because I think the guy is a chicken-sh*t and can’t handle telling you what you may already suspect: He is screwing around. But he wants to have you as well. If he were a truly brave man he’d tell you one of two things: 1) I am your man, you are my woman, and we are in a relationship. And he would do EVERYTHING in his power to be with you – EVERYTHING! 2) I DON’T want to be in a relationship with you. And you’ll never see him again.

It’s obviously more complicated than that, but those really are the only two options – as far as YOU are concerned.
I think you are holding on to something that does not exist. This relationship may serve him, but does nothing for you. I think you are afraid that ending this relationship may feel like a failure, and no one wants to feel like that. I think if you DON’T end this relationship then you will feel like a fool – which is even worse than feeling like a failure.
Too often people associate failure with a catastrophic end; There is something wrong with you if you fail. Well, that’s just not true. Also, take a close look at “failure” in this case. What does it mean? It means you have ended a relationship that never really existed in the first place, and ending it will free you up to make a relationship with one of the other thousands of men out there that could help lead to your happiness. For some reason that doesn’t seem like failure to me. That sounds like good strategic thinking, self preservation, and carving path to your happiness in a relationship. And it sounds like a job you are capable of doing.
Just remember that I am not a behavioral specialist. I have no credentials that qualify me to give advice on this subject. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed professional qualified in giving advice on this subject. No matter what choices you make in life, always take care of the self.

Reply April 2, 2014, 4:26 pm


Thank you for the advice, before I take any actions I am going to think things through and think about everything you have said. I would like to think things through before I take any actions. Honestly since I have known him everyone has tried to tell me he is no good and I should drop him, but you’re also correct as to it being more complicated than just dropping him. It’s difficult to drop someone who has been in your life almost every day for the past four years. But anyways, thank you for the advice.

Reply April 3, 2014, 2:49 am


John, your advise is resonating with me, with an intensity of 10 on the Richter scale! It just makes so much sense. So thankful that I stumbled upon this article and read this reply. Maybe it’s something I was meant to read. Thank you!

Reply August 9, 2014, 9:45 pm


Hello Jason,
I hope you are doing well. I need some advice here. What’s funny is I kinda know what I have to do, I’m just not sure.
So here’s some background, I was with a Pakistani for 6 years. VERY unhealthy relationship on and off again, always drama. Mentally abusive horrible. 2 months before our wedding he spread a rumor that I cheated on him to his family, didn’t talk to me about it just everything was over. I knew when I called his number and the number was changed. 3 months later he was engaged to a Pakistani girl and 3 more months later he was married. The whole time “still working on things” with me. I only found out because she e-mailed me pics of the wedding at work. Anyway, obviously I was so freaking destroyed when everything happened with the wedding and then 6 months later again when I found out the truth.
So I went to therapy worked through it built myself up strong. Then I decided only sexual relationships is what I would have. Two guys later I realized umm….this is not for me…I keep wanting more and the rejection killed.
During this time though as a side note, there was this guy. I know him because our families have always been close although him and I never spoke a word to each other even if in the same room. All of a sudden he made an effort. We started talking and seeing each other for 4 months. Always with our families never really alone. So right during the time I decided I wasn’t doing “those” relationships anymore, I decided I wanted to go there with him. I wouldn’t accept that kind of relationship, but I had to at least once. Lol. :) Anyway, to my surprise he was really great and didn’t treat it cheaply. We started hanging out more, seeing each other more, and sometimes he didn’t even want to have sex. He called me everyday and asked how my day was and we spent time with our families still and didn’t hide we were seeing each other. Anyway, I started feeling insecure because I couldn’t define what we were and that’s the problem I always had with my ex, so I needed to know and I asked only to find out that, “I’m not ready for a relationship.”. Okay, I smiled and told him it was fun while it lasted but I didn’t want to invest time and emotion where a relationship was an option.
Now I know his break up was HORRIBLE, gosh I know. I heard from his family and mine him and I have never talked about our previous relationships with each other. We both met the people, we both know how bad the breakups were and we don’t bring it up.
Alright, great okay, but we still talk and we still see each other. We keep it very light and not nearly as often. No sex, I won’t let that happen. I really like him though and he has told me he really likes me. I keep him as a friend I know only because I hope he will change his mind. Although, i don’t chase him or look for him or revolve my world around him. I just don’t know if I should stop being “friends” with him because I know I still like him and when he’s around we both flirt and get all high-school like, which DOES NOT help me get over him at all. Please give me some advice.

Reply March 2, 2014, 2:02 pm

shenna Lula

I have been with a man for 7 years now. 4 straight years then I did my own thing because he said he didn’t love me and didn’t ws nt a commitment. So I was seeing other people. He found out and said I cheated on him. Well after 2 years of him doing what he wanted with other women but he was alwAys with me too. So now we have been living together for a year and tonight he told me he’s on the fence still. He doesn’t want me. He dont love me. Wait what?? I dont get it. If you didn’t want me why did he move in with me.

Reply January 16, 2014, 11:27 pm


I’ve been dating this guy for a little over three months. Everything is great, I enjoy his company and if everything is good. We just started Having sex and I just met some of his friends and sisters and he’s making an effort. I’m not just some random guy anymore. We’ve talked about our relationship about a month and a half back and we are commited and monogamous, we are not dating anyone else and we are completely devoted to each other. But even till this day, he hasn’t giving me the title yet. He says he wants to take things slow and doesn’t want to rush into anything. He said this about two months back. He says that gay relationships tends to move fast and the couples claim it’s love and then they move in and then within a year it’s over. I understand this concept and I agree that there are many couples out there in our community that do move fast but I feel it’s already been three months. Since the day we started talking, we haven’t stopped. We go on dates and see each other about two to three times per week. We even have a set date for date night each week. I feel as though the boyfriend title legitimizes the relationship. He said to me that isn’t it more important for other people(meaning important people in our lives) to understand what we mean to each other. I’m like yes but I’m not a friend to you, or a fling. And I don’t want him to have his cake and eat it too. He tells me that I’m not. He asks me if I’m happy and I told him yes and then he’s like why change things if we both happy. We already planning New Years and he even wants to take a trip together somewhere in Europe in a couple of months. Many things can happen within a couple of months, but I’m looking at this relationship as more as long term. He hasn’t given me any reason to believe he’s with someone or cheating or anything extreme. And he knows I want the title. He is 27 and I’m 23. What do I do? I want the title but how long should I wait? Is the title important? Are labels good? Am I over analyzing this or am I moving to fast? I’m insecure about the situation even though he hasn’t giving me any reason too at this point. I don’t want to pressure him which I haven’t mentioned this to him for a while. I really like him and want to keep this good relationship going. My friend tells me to just go with the flow and enjoy the ride.

Reply December 16, 2013, 8:02 am


I completely agree with this post! I have experienced both sides. I don’t tend to fall for someone easily but a few years ago i wasted over a year with someone who messed me around and it left me mentally exhausted. Looking back at it, i was so needy and i just cringe thinking about it. But it really left me heartbroken and since then i haven’t allowed myself to open up to anyone. Now when i meet someone, he ends up liking me much more and i turn out to be the “guy” in the situation. I went out with a guy on ONE date and he harassed me for a total of 6 months as i told him i didn’t want to date him.
As cliche as it sounds, it really is true when you say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. The reason i came across this article is because i just saw my “ex” on facebook and he now has a girlfriend. It still hurts but i guess everything happens for a reason…

Reply November 13, 2013, 10:28 am

confused lady

John and everyone…need advice

I met this guy off a dating site about 2 months ago. Right off the bat, he said he didn’t want anything serious because he travels a lot for work and never knows how long he will be in one place. However, his company is based out of where I live so if and when work slows down or he finishes a job, he always comes back here…thus he has an apartment by me. He said that I could stay there since he is hardly there.
Anywho, after hanging out with him 2 days, I asked him to go to Atlanta with me for a job interview. He said yes. We had sex for the 1st time the second day there…5 days after we initially met.
About him: he is 25 (im 29). His parents got divorced and he barely ever talks to his mom. He says he only had 2 girlfriends (slept with about 25ppl). At first when I asked how many of those 25 he dated he said only the 2 girlfriends and said 1 other one was close to dating. He then said maybe a few he dated. He says he always leaves them. He says he HATES labels and doesn’t see the point in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just a reason to change a facebook status. He also doesnt want to get married or have kids. However, he has slept with women who had kids and the one girlfriend had a kid from someone else and gave birth while they were together. He says pregnant women are not pretty. He says he’s always been a loner and gets along with people older than him. The women he sleeps with have been older than him. Two were former strippers. A few were in troubled relationships or marriages. He also calls all his guy friends buddy instead of by thier names cuz he says since i dont know the people. He takes his phone EVERYWHERE..bathroom, shower, etc and is always on it. He daily communicates with his 1 ex girlfriend and sex partners. he says he remains friends with all of them so why not talk to them. I asked if he misses them and his reply was, “Don’t you miss your friends?” I said I do NOT miss the ones I’ve slept with cuz we are no longer friends and I don’t talk to old sex partners. He is aware that I am jealous of that and not happy he still talks to them. I feel that is why he now sometimes tries to hide it when he gets a message/text/email and replies by either going to the bathroom or waits til i leave the room. However, he still does it in front of me too. He is still on the dating site and talks to chicks but I dont know about what. he says he is not sleeping with anyone else, seeing anyone else or plans to sleep with anyone else. I asked if we are just friends and he replies, “Is that what you think we are?” I say no. So I ask are we dating…and he replies by shrugging his shoulders or not answering. He was at a job for 4 weeks and asked me to visit him 2 times which I did. He is currently at another job site and is there for about 2 1/2 months. He said, “You are invited to come visit me if you want to.” I replied, “Do you want me to come out there? do you want to see me?” He replies, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. You can come out if you want to.” I told him I want to hear him ask me to visit him cuz he wants me there, but he wouldn’t. I still went out there. He says I can stay as long as I want. He does treat. I asked if he asked other girls to travel with him and he said no. I asked if he asked them to move with him up here from maine and florida and he said no cuz they wouldn’t or couldn’t.
We had dinner with his coworkers and boss. He kidded around saying I was a hooker. Awhile later and after a few drinks, he threw bean bags at my head. I started to cry. It got his coworkers mad and the one almost fought him. He told his coworker that is how we play around. 3 days later he told me that was his way of letting me know that he is acknowleding my presence and paying attention to me. I told him that was a crappy way. When we play wrestle he always tosses me to the floor or pushes me off the bed onto the floor. when I arrived at the hotel he also said, “you are like a lost puppy…following me all over the states.” I said that was crappy to say too. I said I asked if you wanted me out here but you said if i wanted to come out i could so he shouldn’t say that.
He still has naked and graphic pictures and videos of past sex partners. I ask why he still has them and he says he doesnt delete anything and “why not?” I know he has sent a few shirtless pictures (hopefully only shirtless) to past sex partners and at least 1 girl he is currently talking to from that dating site. He smacks my butt a lot and whips me with a towel. i tell him he leaves marks and that it hurts sometimes.
He never compliments me or says sweet, nice, cute things to me. He says he doesnt like PDA too. He usually alwasys has me decide what we are going to do that day. He doesn’t think about the future…only the moment. He will text me morning everyday, but he also texts other ppl morning too everyday. He has said that we get along good though.

So what should I do? What advice can anyone give me? How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship him and I have?

Reply August 5, 2013, 2:25 pm


Get yourself together and leave him. Don’t be weak. You will soon meet someone better.

Reply August 18, 2013, 9:26 pm


(Pre-note: I am pretty sure I would never take advice from someone who uses a sign-on name as “God”. But that’s just me. Anyway. . . . )
“‘You are like a lost puppy. Following me around everywhere.'” I told him that was a crappy thing to say.” Yes. It is a crappy thing to say. It’s also the truth. Confused, what you need to do is go back and read your post and pretend it is someone else who has written it. If you are smart lady – and I think you are – you’ll derive very quickly the right advice for this person, a.k.a. your self.
I think you were smitten by this – ahem! – “man”, you let your baser instincts take over, let him have his way with you, and now your are trying to justify your spontaneous actions by imposing or masking a relationship over this “mess” as a way to cover up the fact that it is indeed a mess! You are an object to him – simple as that. He cares nothing for your feelings – AT ALL! You may as well be a rag doll to him for the way he treats you.
This is what you do: First you forgive yourself. It’s all right that you (and he!) made this mess. It happens, and it’s not the end of the world. Second, dump this guy, and don’t look back. Trust me – the only feelings that will be hurt are yours, and that’s only because you will come to realize that you have been used in much the same way this guy would use a towel – with little regard and much indifference.
Third – and most important – you need to understand why you would allow yourself to be treated this way. It seems to me you have a (very) low self esteem problem. There is a root to this somewhere in your past that you need to face a reconcile. And you are not going to accomplish this on-line. You, my dear, are going to need professional help on this. You need to be particularly selfish about this, Confused. So I am going to emphasize the word “you” as I complete this post. So allow me to repeat:
YOU, Confused, will need professional help for this. YOU are having some low self esteem problems that YOU need to address. There is a problem in YOUR past that YOU need to address for YOURSELF – NOT for him, NOT for this relationship (because it isn’t a relationship you want to keep anyway) NOT for YOUR parents, NOT for society – but for Y.O.U.
Fourth – once YOU have determined the source of YOUR low self-esteem, YOU can begin building it up. As YOU build it, YOU need to ask YOURSELF what YOU really want in a relationship, what YOU really deserve out of a relationship, what kind of men YOU have allowed to treat YOU this way, and work toward attracting men (plural) that will NOT treat YOU this way, and will instead treat YOU with the respect, love, and admiration YOU deserve.
In short, Confused, YOU have a lot of YOU-work to do. And it starts by dumping this asshole and not looking back .
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, a life coach, a relationship expert, or any kind of behavior specialist. I have no credentials that allow or support me to provide advice of the type I just gave. I am just a guy on a computer keyboard, telling it like I see it. If you (YOU) think you (YOU) need professional help (and I think YOU do.) then seek it from a licensed qualified individual who has specialized in the type of help you need. Best of luck to you . . . (YOU) and remember to take care of the self.

Reply August 19, 2013, 12:47 am


Hey! I just realized . . . “God” pretty much gave you the same advice: Leave him. HAHA!

Reply August 19, 2013, 1:04 am

confused lady

Thank you very, very much! I greatly appreciate your input. I ended up coming back home and writing him a 10 page letter telling him how I felt and how he makes me feel. I told him that I don’t think he cares for me one bit and is just using me. His reply was for me to come back out there because I should be there with him. He gave no answers or responses to my letter.

Reply August 19, 2013, 1:41 am


Babe no offence but are you insane?????? You deserve waaaaaaayyyyy better and you know that bc of you feel bad with him. Love e yourself enough to not falling for some immature assholes ever again. I’ve been there and I’ll tell you what don’t wait for him to commit to you!!!!! You don’t want him!!!!!!! You want someone who will love you and respect you tread you as best friend would tread you with appreciation and love. Don’t let.him brake your boundaries when someone make you feel like shit walk away!!!!!!! When someone doesn’t care about you walk away. You know him for.2 months and he act like that it will get worse don’t stick around. You are 28 honestly learn how to love yourself enough that was my first step to walk away from guy similar to yours one i have waisted 1.5 year. believe me the is someone waaaaaaayyyyy much better then this guy you date now. And the worst thing you can do is to continue that thing.

Reply October 13, 2013, 6:46 pm


I’ve got a nearly 1 year old with my not boyfriend, who I started seeing as “friends with benefits” while saving him from suicide and depression a mere 6 weeks post final separation with his now ex wife. I’m the one who puts up with his baggage, supports him and got him back on his feet and started reeducating him on what being a man means. He’s generous, loves me and our son (conceived by accident 3 months in) and we plan to grow our family. We neither have, nor need a title.

I made it clear that I need to be asked to get married within ten years so there’s 8 to go for him to sort out his fear and decide if he can handle the label. In the meantime a label offers me nothing we don’t already have! It took me a couple of months and a therapist to handle the uncertainty but if all the ingredients are present then why fight over his head space? He knows I’m really his girlfriend, he just panics at the label. So we don’t. And we’re better than fine, we’re family.

Check the relationship, not the title. If everything is there, don’t worry about it. Marriage is an experience that I’d like someday but he knows I wouldn’t agree to it yet because we want to be in the best place before taking that step. He also knows that I can see this lasting long term and I’m prepared to work at it with him so it does. I don’t rush him, we respect each others needs and that’s all that counts. Labels are overrated. Listen to your heart, your gut, not your smug/angry friends and generic dating advice.

In the other hand, if you’re that unhappy, just leave. Ultimatums don’t work and either the relationship survives on its own merits or you’re better off with someone on the same page. Just don’t make everyone else miserable figuring out which it is.

Reply June 19, 2013, 11:58 am


That makes so much sense. The last guy I was with for several months refused to call me his girl friend. I really didn’t put the pressure of it in him, either. I knew from day one that he was scared of having a relationship after his last one fell apart. Everyone else called him my boyfriend and called me his girlfriend (my friends called him my not-boyfriend and me his not-girlfriend). I was okay with waiting things out and being patient because I thought this one was worth it. In the end, I feel like I wasted my time. We let things happen organically, and as things kept unfolding our relationship began to feel less casual and was becoming a little more serious. I was shocked that he told me he was in love with me. I told him the feelings were mutual, and then several weeks later it was over, by his doing. I still feel like the last argument we got into was almost sabotage from him. I made the mistake of calling him out on it, and after ignoring me for a week he dumped me via text- when a week before we were happy and in love. I just recently started talking to him again, and asked him for an explanation. He made excuses like, “we were arguing all of the time” though one argument does not constitute all of the time. But in between the excuses he did say he was not ready, but he did mean when he said he loved me. I spent a couple of months killing myself over what I did wrong, when it really did boil down to his issues. Even though I played it cool the whole time in the end I lost my head because I was wanting something from this guy that he wasn’t ready for. I learned something really valuable for this, that I refuse to repeat again. I miss him terribly, but almost feel worse for him than I do myself. I too had and have my issues, and I tried really hard to set them aside to really love this person when they clearly were not in a place to do the same. I should have walked out when I realized that waiting around for what I really wanted from this person was a hopeless to be had, no matter how strong my feelings were. I’ll know in the future how to save myself from the heart break that I have slowly been receiving from these last couple of months.

Reply April 24, 2013, 4:48 am


Currently going through almost the exact same situation. Except we ended on a bad note, he was really angry. You know that you could always reach out to somebody 6-12 months later. Have you received closure?

Reply May 20, 2014, 8:37 pm


I did, actually. We would randomly text each other for a while, but then I cut all communication after I saw him out with another girl (who is his current girl friend). I was pretty miserable for a while, and became the girl that Sabrina describes herself as in the article. Shortly after I began dating my current boy friend, I saw him out one night. We apologized to each other, said that we really did love each other, and both said it just wasn’t right. I’ll always love and care for him. Our history goes back much further than when we were dating, but I would never go back. I’m with someone now that I know wants to be with me, that fights for me. I still out up some walls, but he wants to help me break them down. I deserved better than what my ex gave me. He seems very happy and committed in his relationship now. As much as I thought he was the right man for me, I was not the right woman for him (inevitably making him the wrong man for me). When I look back now I see so many things that I do not think are acceptable that I brushed off. Without romantic feelings involved it makes it easier to look at the situation realistically.

Reply June 5, 2014, 11:52 am


I am in a situation right now wherein my ex and I are still together but no commitment involved. We broke up in November 2011 but after a month or two we decided to be in a no-strings-attached set-up. He treats me more special before than we were together. Like I’m the most important person in his life. When we were still in a commited relationship, we used to fight a lot, I was clingy, insecure, demanding… but then when we broke up I became so independent, secured, and I can decide more for myself. That’s when he changed a lot too. I know when we started our relationship he made it clear to me that he wasn’t ready for 1 but since he liked me so much he gave it a try, but didn’t work out. He even said there’s no more chance for us to get back together because of the misery I caused him. But when we decided this set-up however he became more loving, caring, he treats me like his Princess. We had our post Valentine date last Saturday. I asked him why does he treat me so special? Then he said, he feels like I’m “almost his girlfriend”. I just smiled, I didn’t wanna ask any questions anymore. I remember last time when he told me that he loves me more than his family, I took his words and I will leave it that way since I realized that this set up works for us. And if he decided to come back, that maybe a bonus points but for now even without labels for as long as we don’t fight anymore, we don’t feel pressured and we’re very happy, I will just leave it this way. Anyway I’m ready if in case he decided to stop this or if I decided to end this. I already prepared myself.

Reply February 19, 2013, 9:40 pm


I just want to correct this sentence:

He treats me more special before than we were together.

I mean: He treats me more special now than when we were together (commited) before.

Reply February 19, 2013, 9:41 pm


Oh btw if I may add also, he’d rather be with me than with his friends, before when we were still in a relationship he wanted to be with them rather than with me. He doesn’t even ask permission before, he text me once/twice a day, now he’s the one who initiates first. Every weekend we’re always together. And whenever other people ask him if I’m his girlfriend he says yes.

Reply February 20, 2013, 1:19 am


I enjoyed this post so much, I had to comment. I’m glad you gave a woman’s perspective. People forget that women have many of the same issues as men. It isn’t just the women pushing for commitment. Women aren’t the only ones needy. Reading a woman’s point view made it instantly easier to understand what is really going on in my dude’s head. Thanks!

Reply February 15, 2013, 5:51 pm


Hi guys,

Probably need some input here? I am at a point in my life where I have seen it all I guess. I have been a lurker on this site and read over threads but never posted.
I’m a 30year old guy (I look like 22/23 though), actually I was going to try and waffle on and give people perspective all about the last relationship so that someone can give the best advice….but I don’t think that this will achieve it’s goal? If you want more perspective on that specifically please ask. I will try give some sort of detailed perspective anyway.

I feel like I am going to be “this guy” ^^^in the next relationship? If I ever have another relationship? :-S
Reading this post really hit home to me. I have avoided all contact and possibly situations that could lead to meeting another girl after being with my ex. It’s highly likely that I was subject to a ‘borderline’ narcissist.
I used to be a guy with confidence, I used to be comfortable around women. Believe it or not I used to blog/post online to help guys meet girls. Up until I met my ex I had 3 -4 girls I was seeing, my life was good I was happy. I never have problems meeting or talking to attractive girls. I still know I have that spark there. I still know I have got it ;-)
I am trying to form some comical analogy to lighten the mood of my post? like being a superhero with a special power and then choosing not to use it? :)
Put it this way, if any of the people who used to follow my posts on other forums knew this was me posting the same stuff here I think there’d be mass confusion. Hence I have not gone to any other medium with this lol.
I digress…(I am good at that ;) careful someone keep me on track) I will say one thing though before you label me “ladies man” or worse “X ladies man” (the former label would normally flatter me and the latter I am now feared of became or becoming), I am a very loyal person.
In the past I may have take a while to commit to a girl (not ages but I have needed to know they are the right person to have a relationship with), but once I did she had my full attention.
I would never deviate.
I would never create distrust.
Basically I figured that if I am to go into this relationship I am going to give it 100%. I hate feeling regret. I never wanted to think ‘I wonder if I did….X….would things be different?’ thats not me.
I am a certain type I would give 100% to the end and then when I made a decision to finally end things I never went back. That was until my recent ex. I felt for her. We were in such a strong “sexually” passionate relationship (emphasis on sexually) cause outside of that, it was not a pretty relationship. She started to bring the worst out in me. Anyway, long story short was I ended it after I found out that she was seeing another guy behind our backs. We were on the mend too. I had a strong gut instinct but she was a very very good liar. She was so convincing that most people in her life were fooled by her ‘sweet nature’ as if “butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth” (as the old saying goes). I got my confirmation. Ended it. Somehow? I have no idea how?….a couple of months pass and we got back together. Things were hot and strong. But I started to feel numb. I started to not get excited about life anymore? It was monotone. Shades of grey. Neither good nor bad so to speak? By the time things finally ended I didn’t even feel bad or good. I just ended it and I didn’t get all emo I didn’t get nasty either I just moved on in life…..ALL EXCEPT MY LOVE LIFE? Something has happened to me?
I have become so scared of being the guy in this ^^^^ story (strangely enough depicted by a chick – great story btw ;) Sabrina) that I have stopped myself all possible means of meeting another girl :( It’s lame I know. I mean I still have sexual urges but the thought of being in another relationship is repulsive. The thought of dating seems daunting (man if some guys ever heard me say that I have no idea what the consequences would be?).
I feel torn inside. Part of me knows I have still got a gift and I should go use it. Some other strange part of me refuses to let me put it out there.
I would go as far as to say that I am self sabotaging at inkling of a girl showing interest. I was so good with relationships and relationship advice and helping guys get the girl they want….that I for some stupid f*%#ed up reason * intentionally* (yet not consciously – far out can they even be used together?) say or do things that would repulse a girl only enough for her not to think I am some weirdo, but enough to stop the blips I am seeing on her radar. What’s worse is a sigh of relief comes over me afterwards like ‘shit that was close man, you might have had to take that one on date and show her a good time’ LOL and I am laughing now at my own commentary because it’s true.

What has happened to me? I have tried to research about guys who have fallen “victim” (seems like s woosy word to use but don’t know how else to word it other than what I have read on the net – anything else seems out of context?) to narcissistic/boarderline woman….and all I see is guys who were ‘puppy dogs’ and ‘push overs’ from the beginning. These were the guys I used to pity and feel sorry for and attempt to teach them stuff so that they could feel good about life and go meet some girl instead of being desperate lol. But somehow I am a piece to the wrong jigsaw puzzle? I am meant to relate to (and in my ways I do when i read about their situations and compare what happened to my self) but I can’t? I have never been a puppydog or a woosy guy. But something else is happening to me that I can’t find any info on anywhere cause guys like me usually don’t end up in situations like I did?
What do I do? I have not seen another girl or even kissed another girl in over a year. I am sure my “hitch” like blogs/profiles dotted across the web have tumbleweeds blowing past them and are covered in cyber dust :D lol
The ‘old me’ would do what most women do after a relationship and bounce back. I would be back into things and meeting new girls straight up. Fresh girls too. I would never keep my options open in a relationship. I needed to cause I knew I could meet someone again if I wanted to. Most of the time I have waited for the ex to meet a new guy first before I got into anything serious though.
Now I am 30 something happened? Some strange “family” orientated thing kicked in inside me. I want to have kid(s) and everyone tells me I would make a good dad too :) The thought of kids and the fact that I have not obtained a lot of material wealth in my life so far (a lot of that could be attributed to my interactions with women in some way shape or form – and yes I take full responsibility here that too!) . All this really dawns on me as I don’t want to be a dad without provisions?
That scares me!!! It scares me so much that I am doing anything to get ahead in life to make up for wasted time.
But I have close friends say to me on a weekly basis “So dude what girl are you catching up with this week? :)” and I have managed to avoid it for year now with some along the lines of “I am working on a project at the moment and I can’t afford a distraction”…..which isn’t entirely far from the truth, actually IT IS the truth.
I’ve devoted so much time to this project (and have not got visual results from it) that I am starting to wonder if its a facade? People are going to think I am a failure soon if I don’t hurry it up either….but it takes time and I am well planned.
I am working on it cause I want to have some purpose in life rather than it being “fulfilled” (or lack there of) by chasing girls like I used to? I used to tag a purpose to meeting girls by teaching guys who didn’t know how to. Teaching only re-inforced things too. But now I have a different purpose. The more I see it the less I see it being with anyone else by my side? :( I used to have fantasies of a being with ‘the one’ and sunset walks on the beach *harps play in the background* jokes.

Another thing is, and this sounds so ridiculous (I have attempted to edit this several times)…I feel like all the people that are “my age” seem to look like they are getting old fast. I look really young (ok people say the word youthful sounds better), so the worst part for me right now is that age gaps are getting bigger.
What i mean is girls ‘my age’ (or those that fit within the “socially acceptable age gap”) don’t look twice at me? And its not because I am unattractive either, I know that. Further to complex things for me is that younger girls seem to be attracted to me? I even try to get them to back off by saying my age like it’s some sort of deterrent and it doesn’t work? It seems to make things worse? Far out! I try to look at things from another persons shoes. Like I would look less out of place with a younger chick cause of how I look, but I am not wanting immature idiot girl whoes only going to waste my time….regardless of how hot she is. I live on the Gold Coast too so that makes things infinitely worse and only supporting my reasons to stay in on weekends and not go out.

Anyone want to tell me what my next move should be? I have come to the point of no moves is the best move, but I am feeling anxiety now. People are starting to talk about me like I am becoming a recluse…maybe I am?

I still feel monotoned towards life. I do hold on to some distant dream that there maybe love again in my life? But I have gotten to the point now that I don’t even care if there isn’t or never will be again…and that’s what worries me. It’s why I am posting here?

I’m done. The end……?

Reply January 10, 2013, 11:23 am


J, you have left a vary long post, and frankly I skimmed it – didn’t read all of it, but from the parts I did read, this is what I gather: You need a challenge, my friend. A big one! The best thing that could happen to you right now in your life is to find your self in a life threatning situation that you manage to wrangle yourself out of. Those kinds of situations rarely present themselves, and you’d be foolish to bring it on yourself, so you can only do the next best thing: Create a NON life threatening challenge.
Take a rock climbing class. Rebuild an engine. Learn how to operate heavy equipment or drive a truck. Build a shed or small house. Chop down a tree and cut it into firewood.
Problem is, my man, you have lost your sense of masculinity. And the best way to get it back is to put youself in a manly situation. In fact, you are going to need MANY many situation. You need to find a challenge or make a challenge, you need to meet it head-on, and you need to overcome it. The more challenging it is, the more manly you’ll feel. Then you’ll start to find yourself again.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, a life coach, nor a relation guru, nor do I possess any credentials that would qualify me to give such advice. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed qualified professional in this field of study. Best of luck to you, and as always, take care of the self.

Reply January 11, 2013, 1:42 am


John, skim you did. Um your recommendations ARE what I am already doing. Should I underline the word “PROJECT” for you?

I rebuild engines quite frequently; I am taking up studies of programming development at the moment; And I am currently putting in extensive amount of time towards a design patent. Funnily enough just prior to Christmas I learnt how to drive a 4.5 tonne front end loader.

I had un-expected life threatening situations last year that saw me in hospital on a drip for over a month. No thanks I will pass on your.
I have however participated in activities such as skydiving , rock climbing and cliff/bridge jumping that felt very “liberating” of fears. I have recently arranged with a mate to teach me how to surf. I have also taken up Arakan martial arts having just done my first lesson a few weeks back and arranged yesterday for more lessons.

You might assistance in possibly recommending something that might be an alternative of ‘me filling the void with new activities’ that I could seem to be doing? :)
In the last few months I have done probably more in my life than any of the years before it. I kind of feel like i am filling the void constructively…at least that is what I keep telling my self?

Thanks for your response. Guess here wasn’t the right place to post what I posted? I think professional help is in order for certain.

Sorry for the length I tried to put it all down.

Reply January 12, 2013, 12:29 pm


I see why you have skim read my post lol. Your responding to everyone’s posts.

Reply January 12, 2013, 12:33 pm


Hi J,

I am going to put in my 2 cents. I’ve been recieving this thread into my e-mil inbox and finally could not keep quiet anymore. At first I wanted to say “Dude, are you out of your mind???? Where the f…. is your self-esteem and confidence?” But them I remembered how I was in the similar wagon and how I got out of it.

1. Every morning when you wake up, go to the mirror, look at yourself, standing there just awaken, with bed hair and smile. Smile broad! And say out loud “I am the greatest guy in the world. I am funny, handsome, great in bed, strong, attractive and I can do anything I desire” Say it again and again, every morning. Say it at night too before bed time. Always smile when you are saying it. Do that for a week and report back to me and tell me how you feel and I will tell you step #2.

Good luck!

January 13, 2013, 9:56 pm


Hi J,

So I know what you mean. I’m 32 I look a lot younger so usually attract younger men, it’s hard to find people my age. I’m not much of a dater, I can be but I lose interest quickly and just don’t keep up the effort. If I catch feelings for someone, I’m 100% focused and like you give myself 100%. Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the “available” men. So they are single but not emotionally available. I was just seeing someone like you and I broke it off two months ago when he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Our families are really good friends and we never really spoke to each other, we know about each others really really bad relationships that ended at the same time two years ago for me and nearly three for him. I got back together and engaged to the ex for 6 months then it was called off. Anyhow, we started seeing each other and then he said that he wasn’t ready and frankly I wasn’t ready to start hearing excuses. We have remained friends, but for me mostly in hopes that he changes his mind. After I read your post it sounds JUST like him. I have been struggling to either cut him off completely (I don’t stay friends with ex’s) or continue to be a friend to show him I’m like his ex. (which I know is not my problem) My question to you is…what the heck could a girl do to get through to you? What do you think I should do?

Reply March 2, 2014, 1:48 pm



I am recovering from a similar situation. And I can only tell you what I’ve done and my opinion. You might like it and u ou might not.

For myself I started out slowly. I just would text/message with guys that didn’t live in the same area as me. Just to kind of break the ice of getting back into the swing of things. It felt safe to me. You know no pressure because there was distance (geographical) so the conversationswe’re light and easy. Now I’m very selective in who I choose to go on dates with. Not that I’ve been on a lot of dates (only 1 date so far).

By doing this I’ve kind of eased back into just communities with the opposite sex. I also had to remember to be gentle with myself. It takes time to rebuild hour self after giving it all away and not really feelin like you are getting anything in return.

I don’t know if this has helped at all. But I hope you are in higher spirits. Also I’ve decided that I miss the person I use to be and I need to let go of my inhabitions. ..they have just been holding me back ( as I believe yours have been holding you back as well).

Reply May 19, 2014, 12:58 am


wow John thanks a lot

Reply November 29, 2012, 12:52 pm


Hi Ladies – I’ve noticed a recurring theme these posts: “I have been seeing this guy for {X amount of time}. We have a lot of fun together when we see each other. He says {nice, sweet, fun things like “I love you”, “you are special to me” – whatever}. He does {nice, sweet, fun things like take me to dinner, meet his family, opens the door for me – whatever}. We have been intimate. For instance we have {made out, felt each other’s “junk”, seen each other naked, had sex – whatever}. We talk, text, email, communicate all the time. But no matter what happens, he won’t call me his girlfriend, he won’t commit to me, he makes me feel insecure, – whatever. I don’t know what to do, it doesn’t make sense, I can’t figure him out, my world is a mess – whatever. Please help”
Here is your “help”: You cannot control what another person does and that includes men. There is nothing to figure out, nothing to understand, nothing you can do to make this guy give you the relationship you think you want. This type of “problem” is prolific, across time and across the world. You may be familiar with lore where a woman is so desperate to have a man fall in love with her that she gives up something precious in return. Think “The Little Mermaid”, for instance.
This is what you DON’T do: Do not hang around waiting, wishing, hoping – basically wasting your time – for this guy to finally figure it out, see the light, and find that you are the only woman in the world for him. Frankly, ladies, it just does not work that way. (I see from a lot of these posts that many women are doing just exactly this. Ladies, STOP IT!!! You are getting nowhere fast.) When a man is “into you”, he will make it perfectly clear – no interpretation will be needed. He will fall over himself to be with you, cancel appointments, give up his friends, risk life and limb, and basically walk through hell to move heaven and earth for you. Ironically, men who do this tend to scare women away. (Why is that?) A ring? Riiiight! If he could, he would cuff and shackle you because you belong to HIM! A ring is just a polite socially acceptable way to shackle you, is all.
THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.
Now many of you have been fed a line or have otherwise fallen for some line of crap that says “If you date all the men, then you are slut.” That’s nonsense! “Dating” is NOT sleeping around. It’s getting to know people. In particular, it’s getting to know men. And as you put yourself out there, you learn better and better how to date, what to look for, what questions to ask (i.e. do NOT ask about old girlfriends, relationships, income, medical status. All that heavy stuff will reveal itself later.) Just be your lady-like self, and above all, HAVE FUN! You want to exude a sense of warm, care free, loveliness. You need to actually FEEL that. Because as you feel it, you telegraph it. And men (plural) will instinctively hone in on that and notice you. Conversely, they’ll hone in one your desperation, bitterness, or anger and be repelled by it. Men may be emotionally dense, but their instincts are pretty accurate.
Now if the guy you are after happens to see this in you, he’ll be the one most likely to “step up”. Not always – but he is most likely. If he does not step up and make an offer, then it’s just not going to happen. This is something you want to know as soon as possible. The sooner you know it, the sooner you can let this guy go and find the relationship you want.
My disclaimer: I am NOT a life coach, a dating expert, a psychologist, or a behavior specialist of any kind. I have no credentials that would allow mw to give advice of this kind. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed, documented professional in this particular field of study. Best of luck and take care of the self.

Reply October 7, 2012, 11:17 pm


John, I thought your advice was good, and I have a question for you. I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months now. I brought up originally where he saw this going and if he saw us being “official” he said, yes, but he was not ready yet due to a past relationship and not wanting to rush into things. I was fine with that and to a degree and still fine with that and moving slow bc I don’t want to make a mistake either. About a week ago he brought it up this time. He said he still was not ready, but he wanted me to know it was definitely heading in that direction. I said I just need to know that is where we are heading even if it does not happen right now. The other night we had another discussion about that and some other stuff aka him being gone all the time to hunting and not making me a priority. He said he did not feel like he was good enough for me although he cared for me, and he wanted to be with me but was scared him being gone alot to hunt would ultimately hurt/end the relationship. Which was a big reason he had not committed yet. We decided to keep on seeing each other and reassess the situation once hunting season had come around full force and see if not talking/seeing him was going to be an issue. My question is do you think this is really the case or is he just using hunting as a cop out bc he does not want to be in a relationship with me, but does not want to hurt me. He basically gave me the option to keep going or to be friends, and we both decided we wanted to keep going, but part of me wonders if he did that to yet again not hurt me but in the end he is ultimately going to end things bc he will put hunting above me.

Reply July 9, 2013, 7:39 am


Hi Kathleen
It’s interesting that you mention hunting in your article. Nearly all men at some level are hardwired with hunting skills and instincts. And, incredibly enough, they play an integral part in relationship – IF you, as the woman, know how to tap into them. Now these are instincts that have been brutally honed into the human male gender on the savanna, on the tundra, and in the jungles over countless eons. These skills are what allow a man to compartmentalize his emotions, put himself in dangerous situations, try unbelievably crazy stunts, and limit him to doing only one thing at a time. They also allow men to chase women. And they LOVE the chase!

Let’s explore hunting a little bit. There is The Search. You gotta go out and actually look for some prey. There is The Stalking. Once you have found your prey, you follow it, understand it, act like it, and watch it, but stay out of its perception. Then there is The Attack. You physically approach or engage the prey. This usually requires a planned, coordinated effort. Finally there is The Kill (The Conquer) followed immediately, and for some time, The Celebration.

The search, stalking and even the attack can be generally wrapped up into a term called The Chase. And this is where a woman can have a distinct advantage in a relationship. You see, the modern woman has been fed a long line of crap when it comes to relationship. For some reason, it has been impressed upon women that they are to have ONE man, and anything that even remotely resembles flirting will label her as a slut. Ironically, those sultry, sexy, playful qualities are exactly what attract men to her, and exactly what men want.

Kathleen, you and nearly all women are hardwired to flirt, play, and present yourself in a way that attracts men. Why do you apply make-up, do your hair, shave your legs, moisturize your skin, wear jewelry, and don clothes that reveal your better qualities? You are making yourself attractive. YOU are the prey. And the trick is to become the prey at the time you need to be the prey. So how do you do that?

The reason your man hunts is because he NEEDS a challenge. He needs to connect or reconnect with the qualities that make him a man. If you as a woman become the prey – not for him exclusively, but for anyone, at least in your mind and in his mind – then you trigger those hunter instincts in the man, make him want to chase you, conquer you and revel in celebration over it.

So here are some ideas you should keep in mind. (I wanted to call them rules, but there really are none.) First, stop lamenting over whether or not this relationship is going where you want it to go. Stop having these conversations with your man unless he really really REALLY wants to talk about it. You are attempting to second guess the man’s decisions, foretell an unknown future, or force him to make decisions he may not be ready to make – which you can NOT do because you cannot force a person, especially a man to do anything.

Stop worrying over whether or not you are HIS first priority. Let me tell you, you are NOT his first priority. That line of thinking is backwards. Instead YOU should be your first priority. Yes, “your man” (he’s not really yours – he’s HIS) is NOT your first priority – YOU are. In fact he should be like maybe . . . number 5 or 7, maybe even 11 on your top-ten list. I don’t mean to say he is not worthy of you, I mean to say you have greater priorities than him.

When your man goes hunting – or goes “distant” as they often do – his away-time becomes your “me-time”. This is when you get to act like a girl. Spice things up! Get yourself beautified and sexified. And most importantly, in your mind, make yourself FEEL like you could have any man in the world. Go out with your girlfriends and totally reconnect with your femininity. Show it off, flaunt and flirt. Make them think they have a chance and just totally lose yourself in your woman-ness, being careful, of course, not to go too far. (“Too far” is intimately physical, but you are an adult. Use your best judgment.) This relieves you of the pressure of maintaining a relationship, it puts the pressure on HIM to chase you (which is what BOTH of you want) AND allows you to have fun at the same time.

Men are emotional idiots, frankly. Oh they have emotions; they just don’t use them, and don’t understand them very well. But their instincts are typically very keen. And they use their instincts without even knowing it. If you understand what those instincts are and how to trigger the ones you want triggered, then the relationship serves itself. And again, you are hard wired to both find and trigger those instincts. Stop trying to force a relationship, stop worrying so much about it, and just be the most womanly self you can be. That’s pretty much all your man wants.

See what’s happening here? You are making yourself “prey”. Not exclusively HIS prey – just prey. And when he sees this it will trigger his hunter instincts and he will chase you. And THIS is where you have the advantage. YOU get to choose who you want to be with. It just so happens this is the guy you want to be with. Lucky HIM! It doesn’t matter if you have a relationship or not. If you make yourself the prey, he will chase. And it will keep the relationship, such that it is, fresh.

Finally some more don’ts: DO NOT chase your man. The worst thing a hunter can encounter is prey that has turned on him. If a hunter is chased, he runs. And if he is chased long enough, he runs off – for good!

DO NOT trap or attempt to trap your man. The only thing worse than a chased hunter is a trapped hunter. He will leave the first opportunity he gets – and it will be very painful. He will PURPOSELY inflict pain in order to make sure he gets his message across: “DO NOT TRAP ME – EVER!!!”

Don’t be so emotional about this relationship. It makes him feel chased, helpless, even. He cannot control your emotions, and again, being an emotional dunce, he doesn’t know how to deal with it. And besides, who wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally distraught person – woman OR man??

Now my disclaimer: I am NOT a psychologist, a behavior specialist, a counselor or a life coach, nor do I have any credentials that would qualify me as such. I am simply a guy on the Internet who has a fascination with relationship and has found an outlet to present his views. If you feel you need professional advice, then please seek it from a licensed qualified professional. Best of luck to you, and as always, take care of the self.

Reply July 9, 2013, 11:52 pm


John, I don’t know you and I probably never will, but I’m saving what you said and I’m going to read it every day as a reminder to heed your advice. Thank you.

Reply July 25, 2013, 6:25 pm


So am I John, I’m saving it for myself and my daughter. Makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing : )

June 17, 2014, 6:28 am

confused lady


I met this guy off a dating site about 2 months ago. Right off the bat, he said he didn’t want anything serious because he travels a lot for work and never knows how long he will be in one place. However, his company is based out of where I live so if and when work slows down or he finishes a job, he always comes back here…thus he has an apartment by me. He said that I could stay there since he is hardly there.
Anywho, after hanging out with him 2 days, I asked him to go to Atlanta with me for a job interview. He said yes. We had sex for the 1st time the second day there…5 days after we initially met.
About him: he is 25 (im 29). His parents got divorced and he barely ever talks to his mom. He says he only had 2 girlfriends (slept with about 25ppl). At first when I asked how many of those 25 he dated he said only the 2 girlfriends and said 1 other one was close to dating. He then said maybe a few he dated. He says he always leaves them. He says he HATES labels and doesn’t see the point in calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s just a reason to change a facebook status. He also doesnt want to get married or have kids. However, he has slept with women who had kids and the one girlfriend had a kid from someone else and gave birth while they were together. He says pregnant women are not pretty. He says he’s always been a loner and gets along with people older than him. The women he sleeps with have been older than him. Two were former strippers. A few were in troubled relationships or marriages. He also calls all his guy friends buddy instead of by thier names cuz he says since i dont know the people. He takes his phone EVERYWHERE..bathroom, shower, etc and is always on it. He daily communicates with his 1 ex girlfriend and sex partners. he says he remains friends with all of them so why not talk to them. I asked if he misses them and his reply was, “Don’t you miss your friends?” I said I do NOT miss the ones I’ve slept with cuz we are no longer friends and I don’t talk to old sex partners. He is aware that I am jealous of that and not happy he still talks to them. I feel that is why he now sometimes tries to hide it when he gets a message/text/email and replies by either going to the bathroom or waits til i leave the room. However, he still does it in front of me too. He is still on the dating site and talks to chicks but I dont know about what. he says he is not sleeping with anyone else, seeing anyone else or plans to sleep with anyone else. I asked if we are just friends and he replies, “Is that what you think we are?” I say no. So I ask are we dating…and he replies by shrugging his shoulders or not answering. He was at a job for 4 weeks and asked me to visit him 2 times which I did. He is currently at another job site and is there for about 2 1/2 months. He said, “You are invited to come visit me if you want to.” I replied, “Do you want me to come out there? do you want to see me?” He replies, “I’m not going to tell you what to do. You can come out if you want to.” I told him I want to hear him ask me to visit him cuz he wants me there, but he wouldn’t. I still went out there. He says I can stay as long as I want. He does treat. I asked if he asked other girls to travel with him and he said no. I asked if he asked them to move with him up here from maine and florida and he said no cuz they wouldn’t or couldn’t.
We had dinner with his coworkers and boss. He kidded around saying I was a hooker. Awhile later and after a few drinks, he threw bean bags at my head. I started to cry. It got his coworkers mad and the one almost fought him. He told his coworker that is how we play around. 3 days later he told me that was his way of letting me know that he is acknowleding my presence and paying attention to me. I told him that was a crappy way. When we play wrestle he always tosses me to the floor or pushes me off the bed onto the floor. He throws pillows at my head a lot and pokes the sides of my stomach all the time. When I arrived at the hotel he also said, “you are like a lost puppy…following me all over the states.” I said that was crappy to say too. I said I asked if you wanted me out here but you said if i wanted to come out i could so he shouldn’t say that.
He still has naked and graphic pictures and videos of past sex partners. I ask why he still has them and he says he doesnt delete anything and “why not?” I know he has sent a few shirtless pictures (hopefully only shirtless) to past sex partners and at least 1 girl he is currently talking to from that dating site. He smacks my butt a lot and whips me with a towel. i tell him he leaves marks and that it hurts sometimes.
He never compliments me or says sweet, nice, cute things to me. I’ve told him he is handsome and sexy and I like that shirt on him or whatnot. A few times he called me babe, but it was when we were having sex. He has complimented on a past sex partners boobs, butt, body, or sex freakness, but never about me or my body to my face. He says he doesnt like PDA nor buys gifts to show affection. He usually always has me decide what we are going to do that day. He says he doesn’t think about the future or where this is heading…only the moment. He will text me morning everyday I am not with him, but he also texts other ppl morning too everyday. He has said that we get along good though but he must with everyone since he keeps in contact with them, right?

So what should I do? What advice can anyone give me? How do you perceive him and whatever kind of relationship him and I have?

Reply August 6, 2013, 11:31 am


Hi John,

Although you aren’t a professional you make a lot more sense than some so-called experts out there and people who are in relationships. I appreciate your inspiring and empowering advice to women, I especially agree with this piece:

“THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.”

YES. That is what I believe in too. As I was saying in another post, instead of focusing on how one guy is a “he just isn’t that into you”, keep on living life and mirror his efforts. You can’t really “lose” if you never invest more in a man than he has invested in you. I don’t find the “he just isn’t that into you” mindset all that empowering because it gives women a feeling of powerlessness “Oh no, this guy doesn’t like me”. You can’t change men but you can experience inspiring more devotion from all men around you by channeling your feminine power, including the “he just isn’t into you” guy sometimes. He’ll often feel inspired to step up further when he sees you can live without him, have options and won’t compromise your time when he isn’t giving you the commitment you want. You can also weed out the guys who will want to be the “girl” i.e. feminine energy partner of the relationship this way. I did the same thing you advocate and had a guy who just wanted some sort of friends with benefits thing with me, while i used to pine for more, want to take me on a “real date”. The funny thing is because of our past history and the fact I realized he wouldn’t be good for me, I no longer had an interest in being anything more than a friend. lol

Reply November 12, 2013, 1:02 pm


So am I John, I’m saving it for myself and my daughters. Makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing : )

Reply June 17, 2014, 6:30 am


Ive been seeing a guy for 3 months now. Ive been wondering for awhile why he hasnt asked me to be his gf yet..we both tell each other that we really like one another. We text every single day. Try and spend as much time together which is hard since we go to different school, but because of that we make sure to spend time together on the weekends. He has met my mother but im not sure if his parents even know about me..which also concerns me. Its not like people dont know we are together; there are pictures on fb, twitter, etc. And we have gone out to public places many times and have been seen as a couple. Many people assume that we are dating and are suprised when they ask me if we are dating and i respond no. My friends are always on my case saying “if he really liked you, you guys would be official by now.” First off, those are the friends who have never had a good relationship. But still, their opinion sometimes does get stuck in my head.
We can use yesterday (october 2, 2012) as an example. That was our “3 months.” We spent time together that night as a couple would. He even referred to it as an anniversary like a couple would..but yet he wont make it official.
All my friends just think that he is playing me, using me for sex, etc..the usual. I tell them theres more than that, i can feel it. I think im starting to fall on love with this guy! I have brought up the topic before a few times of “making it official.” He seems like he really doesnt want to talk about it..and i dont want to push him away by keep asking. And i want him to WANT to call me his gf, not feel like hes being forced to..

If someone could respond to this it would help me a lot..i need answers!!! Thank you:-)

Reply October 3, 2012, 9:25 am


Hi Kyndall,
Let me assume that you are a very young lady :-) I figured it out by the tone of your post. I am going to give you few pointers here from the perspective of a 37 yo, “men-seasoned” “elder”. I with try to be brief and to the point.
1. 3 months is not a very long time for young man to make up his mind what exactly he wants from a girl he is seeing (except obvious that all men want)
2. Texting every day might be an overload for him and he might feel that once he commits you are going to be in his face, so to speak. Step aside. Stop texting so much and get a life. Go do your own things, alone or with friends. Do not make yourself so readily available to him.
3. STOP! listening to your friends and friends of the friends, and so on. First of all they do not know what is going on between two of you (unless they sleep with you in the same bed, so to speak).
4. The more you bring this up the more he will withdraw and less likely he will call you his “gf”.
5. You have to make him feel what it is being without you. You are always there for him, you reply to his texts, you have your life revolving around him. his chase is done and he feels at ease. Make him chase you but at the same time do not withdraw from him. Let him know with your actions that even though you enjoy spending time with him, you have your own, separate life and you two are not joined at the hip. men do not like being joined at the hip, the feel caged when that happens, and we, women, are the one to blame for that. feminist revolution gave you many freedoms and choices, enjoy them! Go out by yourself or with friends. Join some club for a hobby (yoga, knitting, fitness, cooking, home improvement, whatever your heart desires), have your own life, separate from his. Not only this will make him chase you and want to closer to you and make you very irresistible in his eyes, you will also gain a lot from it by learning a new skill (or skills), finding new friends and having a rich social life that you can share with him if he would be interested, and if he is really into you, he will be. If he is not, them let him go. men are like trains, there is always another one coming :-)

Reply October 3, 2012, 1:15 pm


I am in the situation where guy asked me if I would be his gf about 2,5 month after dating. We were seeing each other few times/week, going out, doing things, introducing each other to our close friends and he just asked me one morning. My reaction? I hid my head under a pillow. Then I emerged from under that pillow and said “yes”. he had a worried look on his face when I showed up from under the pillow and asked me what was that all about. I mumbled something… I have conflicting feelings about it. I do want to be his gf and be introduced as one. However I feel that perhaps I agreed a bit too son. My past negative experiences created lots of fear inside me and now I am very much afraid. Afraid to be taken for granted, afraid to be expected to act like an official gf, afraid of many things. I know that to many women, who wish their guy would ask them to be his gf after 2 months, my situation might sound ridiculous, but I am truly in the middle between my different feelings about this and do not know how to handle it. I feel like backtracking would be childish and immature “I know I told you yes, but now I am not sure” but perhaps there is some other way to deal with this and talk to him without making him feel like I am withdrawing. I am not! Just have conflicting feelings

Reply September 25, 2012, 6:25 pm


Hi M. You know, if you have any conflicting feelings – any at all – about commitment, then don’t commit. Your feelings are screaming at you “DON’T DO IT!” You should not ignore that.
So what do you do now? Yeah, you do pretty much what you just said. You need to apprach him like an adult and tell him exactly what you want and why. If he respects you, he’ll do what you ask. If he acts childish about then, your first impressions about having a commtted relationship with this guy were correct.
Personally I’d say something like this: “When you asked me to be your girlfriend, you may recall I hid under the pillow. You caught me completely off guard, and I really did not know how to answer. I said ‘yes’ in a fit of spontenaety, and now that I have had a chance ot think about it, I feel I may have jumped the gun. I really do not want to be an ‘official girlfriend.’ Instead, I’d like to back up to a just one or two minutes before you asked me to be your girlfriend and take it from there. I enjoy your company and I like being with you, but I think being your offcial girlfriend right now is too much too soon.”
See where he goes with it from there. Best of luck. Take care of the self.

Reply September 26, 2012, 10:13 pm


Thank you for your reply, John. Funny but my now bf’s name is John too :-) I did some more thinking about it after I posted here and now and decided t go with it. I feels good and although I still have fears about it, i think that overcoming those fears is my and my only challenge. I have been hurt many times, and I have to truly move on past all that hurt. i think if I am going to continue dragging it along I will not have a clear shot at a relationship. I think fears need to be abandoned. Now, the reason i was feeling not sure about this whole situation is because he clearly stated that he was planning to leave the area we live in right now. He lived in this area for 3 years and does not feel happy about it. He prefers small towns while I prefer large urban areas. I encouraged him to do what he thinks is right for him and will make him happy. Because no one can make us happy except ourselves. This is my firm believe. I hold on to the saying “if you love someone , let them go. If they come back, they were always yours, if they do not, they never were.” So… I decided to dive into this even though I understand that it might come to an end if he decides to split. But the hopeless romantic inside me have high hopes :-) Thanks for the wishes of luck, John, as I will sure it it!

Reply October 3, 2012, 12:50 pm


Wow i’ve been through that situation. Right at this moment i’m in a relationship but at the same time i’m not, i know it might sound a little confusing but ill explain why, i’ve been in this relationship for nine month now, everything was so perfect till recently that we’ve been having ups and downs, when he first took me to meet his parents we bonded so well that it was hard to believe, everything started though after his mother started telling me how she didn’t trust no man cause of all the things they made her go through ect…one day my boyfriend asked me if it was ok with me if he went out with his friends to have a couple of drinks so i told him ok cause i never want him to think i want to control his life nor i want him to think that i don’t trust him, that same night we had an argument before he left, hours pass and i was worried cause he wasn’t home yet, i tell his mom that his not home yet and i was worried, her answer was “maybe he’s with another woman” i got so upset with the comment and she told me “i’m sorry is that i went through so much in my old relationships that i don’t trust no man at all not even on my own sons”. when she told me that i started feeling devastated, i started crying, i got depress and ever since then thats when the arguments between us started. After that every time he goes out with his friends i always ask him where he’s going out and with who, i can’t believe it has gotten to this. Now yesterday while he was at work we was arguing through text and i told him “you have to start treating me different cause i’m your girlfriend not just any chick you met in the street” and his reply was “technically i never said we was back together but just went with the flow…not saying i don’t wanna be with you…but you be crying over nothing for real”. that really hurt me so much, but yet he gets mad when i go out and he starts with his gealousy and starts calling me none stop. I really don’t know what to do or what to think no more :( .

Reply August 30, 2012, 12:08 pm


It’s actually pretty simple Ana. He cannot have it both ways. If he “never technically said” you two were a couple, then technically, you can go out with whomever you damned well please. Period. He doesn’t like you going out with other people? Well that’s just too bad. Do not let his emotions shame you into giving him his cake and allowing him to eat it too. Either you ARE a couple or you are NOT. It only takes one of you declare that you are NOT a couple; It takes BOTH of you to declare a relationship exists between you.
He gets mad when you go out because that puts him on the spot. He knows that if he does not want you to go out, then he is going to have to work for your love and for your dedication by committing to you. So instead of actually “working” for you and “earning” your good graces – which is hard to do and it should be – he’s trying to shame you into getting his way with you. He may not be ready to commit, and that’s okay. But if he is not ready to commit, then he has no claims on you, and he has no right to get angry for you living the life you want to live.
What ever you do, don’t you dare tolerate a situation or relationship that you do not like or are otherwise not comfortable with. There are WAAAAY to many men out there who would be happy to call you “girlfriend” and commit to you in the way you want and deserve. The best way to find that man is to date. Date them all, give them all a chance, and make sure they know you are dating. (I said “date”, not “sleep with”. There is a BIG difference.) Eventually, one of them is going to determine that he has what it takes to be your man, and he will step up. At that point, YOU get to decide if you want him or not. See what kind of power you really have? These are not the Dark Ages. You have rights, you are emancipated, and you have say-so in your life, so take advantage of all that.
This isn’t a chore, Ana. It’s actaully a fun time if you do it right. Let these guys – MAKE them – treat you like a lady, take you to dinner, to movies, miniature golf, whatever. The point is to enjoy yourself, enjoy your life and and all it has to offer.
Disclaimer: I am not a relationship specialist, psychotherapist, or behavior scientist of any kind. I have no credentials that would qualify me to give advice like this. If you think you need help with your situation, then seek a licensed, qualified professional to give you the help you need. Best of luck, and take care of the self.

Reply August 30, 2012, 4:49 pm


Hey John, thank you so much for your advice, and you are right about everything you said and i think that’s what am gonna do. I’ve been trying to put all my effort on this what it seems that everything i do is not enough, is been twice i walked out on him cause of the way he talks to me now and treats me and in fact it also got fisical at one time cause i had a feeling something was going on and i found a txt msg with another female, when i confronted him about it thats when it got fisical, he claimed that its a friend but till this day i don’t believe him, every time i leave he goes and gets me back and i come back like an idiot knowing how lately he’s been treating me. what i don’t understand is why does he have a facebook page and have pictures of us two together and says that we are in a relationship, but yet when we are together he treats me like we are not. I’ve cry myself to sleep for this man and i truly love him but i feel like i’m done with all this, i’ve been to good and i don’t deserve this. Thank u John for your advise :)

Reply August 31, 2012, 7:46 am


My problem is that I’m to in love with this guy!!! When we texts he calls me his sweetheart his babe his baby his heart everything I’ve wanted this guy to tell me since the beginning he even said he loved me!! We say it to each other like very second! We aren’t official tho! Nd I’m confused because he has had girlfriends none of them lasted long or at least the ones I know about! Yes we’re in high school but he says I’m the love of his life and he wants us to go beyond high school sweethearts and get married and raise a family in the future… He talks about us being a family but he never has officially asked me out! I can’t tell my friends because they think he’s just messing with my head so r we official or what!?

Reply August 27, 2012, 3:09 am


Sue, the short answer is, he’s messing with your head. I am going to give you the same advice any other adult would give: Stay in school. Graduate from high school. Go to college. Get a degree in either the legal, medicine, or engineering indusrties. That degree will serve you for the rest of your life because these industries are SCREAMING for young women to fill non-traditional work roles.
I know it seems like the world to you right now, but you are far too young to be giving up your life to relationship, marriage, boys (or men), having children, starting a family, acquiring debt, and all those other paralyzing activities. Your salvation does not lie with those those things; It lies in education, a solid career, building a retirement, building a reputation among your industrial peers, acquiring asset such as a house, a financial “nest egg”, a modest car, and other property, perhaps some rental property.
You have the rest of your life to devote to a family, children, a man, if that’s what you want to do. But don’t be to hasty. Experience the world first. You can’t do that when you have another diaper to change, another bill to pay, and teyh house needs to be cleaned again.
This guy you are talking about? There a thousand more just like him, probably in your home town, if not the next town over. If you don’t believe me, peruse a major on-line dating site. Look for men between the ages of 18 and 29 in a large city, say Denver or Phoenix. You won’t have enough time to look at them all.
You are young, Sue. Enjoy it while you got it. Best of luck to you, my dear.

Reply August 27, 2012, 10:51 am


violette – i think it sounds like he likes you but isn’t over the last girl. just give him a chance to warm up to the idea and keep being a friend. good luck :)

Reply July 19, 2012, 5:59 pm


I am glad a found this site, it has given me a better understanding of the reasons not to push someone for a lable of G/F if they do not want to give you that title. I know the important thing to focus on is if and how the relationship you have is meeting or not meeting your needs. I always seem to sobatage my relationships one way or the other, I need to stop and think of what I really want, which honestly at times I am not even sure. I think I have messed things up with the guy I am currently seeing, by pushing for a definition of our relationship even though things were going really well. I gues as women we want that title and reasurance so as not to feel vulnerable or rejected by the person you love and do not want to lose.

Reply June 23, 2012, 6:25 pm


There has to be Pros and Cons of being patient on making a commitment. I’d rather not rush into things but as time goes by and there are feelings involved then the two need to start being on the same page. How long is TOO long when dating without a title??? Everyone is different. If someone likes you but wants to take time to make sure your the right one and only one then respect it as long as they respect you. I think you’ll know if it’s just BullS**t and your wasting your time.

Reply June 18, 2012, 4:33 pm


Hi. I only just recently told a guy friend I’ve known for two and a half years that I like him. I’m in highschool btw. We are really close, and he has shown me absolutely every sign that he cares about me, but there’s one problem. He can’t decide his feelings. He has been in a relationship and had his heart broken before, and what makes it worse is the fact that the girl who did said heart breaking was in the exact same grade as me. Recently he told me he still has issues that way, along with some emotion problems relating to diabetes and doesn’t know if he can trust liking someone again. He told me that he wouldn’t tell me what he thought of me, because at the moment he said he has a lot of mental ‘paperwork’. So we decided to stay friends for now. Just yesterday I invited him to my house to watch some dvds with me and a couple of other friends in a few weeks. He literally jumped at the chance. He always stares at me a lot and smiles, we have really long eye contact. Most of the time he offers me his hand to get up at the end of lunch, and he hugs me alot. Is there a chance that he might come around? Could this work out ?? He is really important to me, and I genuinly care for him. Btw I’m 16 and he’s 15. Please reply, anything would be helpful! :)

Reply June 15, 2012, 3:26 am


I met this guy in my class a few years ago and during those years we gotten to know each other a little better. Well, after a few years of holding back feelings, I decided to tell him reasons of why I think he’s amazing and that I like him. He felt the same way and said that I am an important part of his life, but wasn’t ready for a relationship. Said that he had so much to figure out in his life, he didn’t like his job and he was still trying to figure himself out after a bad breakup. I understood and we continued to see each other and the feelings start to progress, I tried to hold back from wanting something more and just enjoying the relationship for what it is, we were doing fine until one night, he asked me if I still talk to my ex and I told him I was because he worked in the same building as me so I do cross him from time to time… that statement I guess didn’t sit well with him and so he began to get a little upset. Of course, that made me upset because he isn’t my boyfriend, so why get mad at what I’m doing? I was only being honest and I reassured him that I like him and want him. So now I don’t know what to make of it or where he stands? I haven’t heard from him in a few days. Just frustrates me that he got upset with what I’m doing, but doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Please help me understand.

Reply May 1, 2012, 7:53 pm


Hi Emilie. As I read your post I couldn’t help but think that your guy is looking for an excuse to fail. And he may have found one in the fact that you still talk to your ex. That’s pretty lame because 1) like you said, the two of you aren’t really in a relationship, and 2) it’s pretty chincy of him to use THAT as an excuse. If this is the case, then this guy is somewhat of a jerk and he doesn’t deserve you, and probably never did. I mean, in what way could a man who WANTS to fail deserve the ultimate treasure that you are? YOU did the right things, my dear, so don’t be hard on yourself. You were honest, you communicated, and you weren’t in a relationship with this guy in the first place. If he is having a problem – whatever it might be – then it’s HIS problem, he’ll deal with it, and don’t even try to help him with it. What do you need to understand? Nothing. Seriously. Let him go have a good pout or whatever. If his fickle self can’t man up and stake a confident claim on you, then he is simply not the man for you. Go out, my dear. Date. Enjoy all that life has to offer. If he ever decides he wants to take you as his girl, then he MAY be allowed to come back to you on your terms, not his.

Reply August 9, 2012, 6:49 pm


Hi,everyone. I fell in love with someone twice deeply. I was heartbroken twice, I almost wanted to stop my life ever. So, I really scared consider startting a serious relationship with my present dating guy. I just want to enjoy the process instead of focusing on the future. I am the girl who already planned life out, which never invlove my partner. Why couldn’t we just start a romantic relationship and enjoy the process being each other, and try to offer things you will learn from each other? That is much happier and will protect our girl from hurtting again, right?

Reply February 1, 2012, 10:29 pm


A lot of what you were saying here I definitely can identify with. In every encounter I’ve had with a guy within the past 3 years, I have always felt like the ‘guy.’ I’m a pretty friendly person and I believe every person deserves a chance. So a guy gathers the courage to ask me out, I agree. We go on a couple-few dates, they start wanting to see me more and then I get freaked out and pull away. I ignore their texts, won’t make time to see them and they’ll either get the hint and drop it or pull closer, hoping for more.
And even when I did meet a guy that I could see myself being with… I’d get even more freaked out by the feelings I felt. I started seeing this guy who had gone thru a break up very recently. I started falling for him– very fast. All the rules and ‘playing hard to get’ that I normally attested to flew out the window and I found myself feeling very vulnerable. Although I was falling for him, I made absolute sure that he had no idea. I made every effort to see him and make time for him and answered all of his texts– but when we were together I had to try so unbelievably hard to hide my feelings from him because I knew we weren’t officially ‘a couple’, I was probably a rebound, and my feelings probably would have been rejected. One night he was hitting on some chick right in front of me, and I just snapped. Although I still really liked him I decided to cut ties with him completely, realizing the hold he had on me and the power a person can have over you if your feelings for them are strong.
The length I went to to cut ties with him was rather extreme– I wiped his entire external hard drive he had lent me and replaced it with pictures of nude men. Keep in mind, I felt very rejected and used, and at the time I felt he deserved it. But more so I did it because I knew there would be no way of rekindling the relationship because of how angry he would be when he found out. It was a way of defending myself against the possibility of being hurt by him again. He wouldn’t want anything to do with me and because of that I could move on.
Yep, we’ve all got our issues!

Reply January 28, 2012, 8:46 pm


Wow this is a real eye opener to hear that so many people are in the same boat as me!
ok so ive been “seeing” this guy for 3 months now. we go out on a date once a week and have a great time together but i still feel like his keeping me at arms length here. I really like him and yet he hasnt brang up the “where is this going conversation” . He also never includes me or invites me out with his friends or when he goes clubbing. And he only makes little effort to see me once a week, when i would like to see him more. is he just stringing me along? im thinking to just tell him that im not happy with this situation ? any advice ?? thankss

Reply January 19, 2012, 3:31 am


Hey , I’m going through the exact same thing : ( it’s driving me insane, i’ve been seeing this guy for 5 months and we talk every single day , he says he can’t fall asleep without talking to me, and we’ve made out twice, but he said it just happened in the moment. I dunno what to think about the whole situation, he insists on calling me babe and darling but when someone asks if we are going out, he says no. sometimes I just feel used somehow. Dont know what to do about it either :(

Reply May 22, 2012, 10:42 pm

Katarina Phang

No string-along there, gal. Just live your life to the fullest: date other guys till he claims you.

Don’t make it more complicated than it should be. It is your problem to dwell on it and ask for meaning when it is clear what it is: he’s just happy seeing you once a week and that’s it.

You are a free single woman, so act like one.

Reply October 6, 2012, 10:21 pm


I wanted to get some opinions… I’ve been dating this guy for nearly a year now but we have no title. It is the one topic that will eventually come up at some point (mostly due to me being angry about it) and it causes a huge fight. His reasons are that at the beginning of our relationship I was to gabby with my friends and they knew too much and he wants to keep our relationship between us and not everyone and that he doesn’t like having a title. Also, a girl he dated in high school he called his “girlfriend” and it didn’t turn out well. We aren’t dating other people or anything else. We’re completely committed to each and we’re so in love, but still in the back of my mind I’m insecure because we can’t simply call me his girlfriend. It also doesn’t help that my sisters and friends are constantly on my case about it, which usually causes me to rethink everything and get angry. I really don’t know what to do because what we have it great but it still bothers me :( HELP!

Reply January 1, 2012, 9:05 pm


Hi Ladies – I’ve noticed a recurring theme these posts. It goes kinda like this: “I have been seeing this guy for {X amount of time}. We have a lot of fun together when we see each other. He says {nice, sweet, fun things like “I love you”, “you are special to me” – whatever}. He does {nice, sweet, fun things like take me to dinner, meet his family, opens the door for me – whatever}. We have been intimate. For instance we have {made out, felt each other’s “junk”, seen each other naked, had sex – whatever}. We talk, text, email, communicate all the time. But no matter what happens, he won’t call me his girlfriend, he won’t commit to me, he makes me feel insecure, – whatever. I don’t know what to do, it doesn’t make sense, I can’t figure him out, my world is a mess – whatever. Please help”
Here is your “help”: You cannot control what another person does and that includes men. There is nothing to figure out, nothing to understand, nothing you can do to make this guy give you the relationship you think you want. This type of “problem” is prolific, across time and across the world. You may be familiar with lore where a woman is so desperate to have a man fall in love with her that she gives up something precious in return. Think “The Little Mermaid”, for instance.
This is what you DON’T do: Do not hang around waiting, wishing, hoping – basically wasting your time – for this guy to finally figure it out, see the light, and find that you are the only woman in the world for him. Frankly, ladies, it just does not work that way. (I see from a lot of these posts that many women are doing just exactly this. Ladies, STOP IT!!! You are getting nowhere fast.) When a man is “into you”, he will make it perfectly clear – no interpretation will be needed. He will fall over himself to be with you, cancel appointments, give up his friends, risk life and limb, and basically walk through hell to move heaven and earth for you. Ironically, men who do this tend to scare women away. (Why is that?) A ring? Riiiight! If he could, he would cuff and shackle you because you belong to HIM! A ring is just a polite socially acceptable way to shackle you, is all.
THIS is what you do: Until you get exactly the relationship you want from a man – ANY man, date. Simple as that. Date. Date every man. Make sure you act like a lady; Make sure they treat you like a lady. Have them open doors for you, and pay for your dinner. Go out with friends. Fill your calendar with plenty of fun things to do. Work extra hours. Take an extra class. Do that yoga thing you’ve always wanted to do. The point is to have a life or at least attempt to make one. When the men see you are available and enjoying the heck out of life, one of them will likely step up and make an offer to be your boyfriend; He will offer a commitment. At this point, you get to make a decision. Do you want to be this guy’s girlfriend, or not? Do you even like the guy? Just because he makes you some kind of offer of commitment doesn’t mean you are required to say yes. There is your power! That’s how it works in today’s “equal rights” society.
Now many of you have been fed a line or have otherwise fallen for some line of crap that says “If you date all the men, then you are slut.” That’s nonsense! “Dating” is NOT sleeping around. It’s getting to know people. In particular, it’s getting to know men. And as you put yourself out there, you learn better and better how to date, what to look for, what questions to ask (i.e. do NOT ask about old girlfriends, relationships, income, medical status. All that heavy stuff will reveal itself later.) Just be your lady-like self, and above all, HAVE FUN! You want to exude a sense of warm, care free, loveliness. You need to actually FEEL that. Because as you feel it, you telegraph it. And men (plural) will instinctively hone in on that and notice you. Conversely, they’ll hone in one your desperation, bitterness, or anger and be repelled by it. Men may be emotionally dense, but their instincts are pretty accurate.
Now if the guy you are after happens to see this in you, he’ll be the one most likely to “step up”. Not always – but he is most likely. If he does not step up and make an offer, then it’s just not going to happen. This is something you want to know as soon as possible. The sooner you know it, the sooner you can let this guy go and find the relationship you want.
My disclaimer: I am NOT a life coach, a dating expert, a psychologist, or a behavior specialist of any kind. I have no credentials that would allow mw to give advice of this kind. If you feel you need professional help, then please seek it from a licensed, documented professional in this particular field of study. Best of luck and take care of the self.

Reply October 7, 2012, 11:16 pm


Are you still responding to people? I have a very unique situation that I don’t want to post publicly. I need your help, although you may be very busy. I am very impressed at how logically you write.
Thanks much,

Reply June 5, 2015, 1:24 pm


I am so glad I came across this article. I have been “seeing” and “talking” to a guy for about a month and a half now. We do all the boyfriend/girlfriend type things. He texts me everyday, calls me numerous times throughout the day even on his way to work in the morning and when he gets off work, and we hang out almost everyday and on the weekends. He has introduced me to his parents and his children. We both agreed we would not be dating or messing around with other people. Even so, he won’t call me his girlfriend but says I’m his “one and only girl”…is that not te same thing as being his girlfriend? I kind of got stuck on the issue for about a week. I’ve been used in the past and am not up for it again. Therefore, his last relationship was a pretty painful one for him and maybe he is just afraid of being hurt again….but aren’t we all afraid of that? Reading this article has made me realize that whatever happens between us will happen. It’s great so far and we both really like being around each other and have fun together. Maybe it will develop into more…guess time will tell. Until then, I’m going to relax and just go with it!

Reply December 19, 2011, 6:17 pm


No. Do not waste your time. Men are simple. If they want to talk to you, they’ll talk to you. If they want to hang out with you, they’ll hang out with you. And if they want to date you, they’ll date you. The beauty in men is that you do NOT have to analyze their every word, and making lame excuses about their past is garbage. We all have pasts, we’ve all been hurt, and if they haven’t moved on by now then they are selfish enough to be stringing you along, then they do not care about you like they should. Get out ASAP because it will NOT change. Ladies…He’s Just Not That Into You. I’m sorry.

Reply November 20, 2011, 1:45 pm

Lady Pink

Sabrina, you sound just like me. I recently got out of a relationship that lasted almost a decade. I was only 18 and was 27 when I finally cut it off. Consequently, I am very reluctant to start another relationship or allow myself to “fall” for someone. Nevertheless, I have been “seeing” someone for the last 5 months, and yes, I enjoy him very much. However, I also enjoy the freedom we have to do what we please with no jealousy or resentment attached. We talk just about every day, and we see each other when we can. But, we have an understanding when it comes to our lack of exclusiveness. Frankly, I do not understand why people are quick to rush into relationships. Two or three months in is extremely early to be serious with someone. I mean, you barely know them! It would take me at least a year of “seeing” someone before I could even fathom commitment. Funny thing is that when you go on with your life and you do not put out a vibe of dependency on your partner (especially if it’s a guy), it gives them space to realize how much they enjoy your company. You gotta give the man space women!!

Reply September 26, 2011, 1:57 pm


hi i am going through the same .my so called bf and i have been 2gather for almost a year now .we have known each other for 5years .he says he deeply cares about me but does not want any lables on .he broke up with his gf just before we satarted going out.its been almost a year and its getting frusturating .i have asked him repeatdly why does not he want be in relstionship he says the same stuff again and again and we both end up getting angry by the end of it …he goes into his shell and stops talking.i love him deeply i want to know wat i should do?how should i talk to him ?how long am i suppose to wait for him ?
what if he stays like this always?plzzzz help..:(

Reply September 23, 2011, 7:36 am


Hmmm….Well this article definitely puts things in a different perspective. I know i shouldn’t pester but it just hurts. OMG my “friend” said to relax and just let things happen..stop watching the clock…..and things will work out. lol….Here’s what I think: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back its yours. I doesn’t, then it was never meant to be….

Reply September 8, 2011, 5:40 pm


I’m kind of going through the same thing, but a little different. My boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 years, with “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” labels and commitment and everything. It was a real relationship and everything was amazing. But then 3 months ago, he dropped a bomb on me and says all of a sudden that he doesn’t want a relationship. To this day, I still do not understand exactly why or what happened, considering we were so happy for so long. He had just graduated from college, and I think he is being pressured by his parents to start his career (and feel I may be a distraction or something), which unfortunately he hasn’t much luck with yet. He keeps saying he has “personal” stuff and “family issues” going on, but he won’t be more specific. The past 3 months have been a roller coaster of emotions. We still hang out, and pretty much act like we are a couple in almost every way. We were even being affectionate and stuff up until a few weeks ago. But it was too hard to do everything a couple does and not be in a relationship, so we are trying to hang out as “friends” for right now, with not kissing or anything like that. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed, he still loves and cares for me, and he’s not interested in seeing anyone else. It just sucks because I feel like all I can do is wait for him to come around.

Reply September 3, 2011, 11:48 pm


Don’t wait for him. If you do, he’ll think you’ll be around when he wants you back and that might take a long time and you will suffer. As soon as you let HIM go and start dating other men and he thinks he’s gonna lose you, he will either commit or walk. You can only take care of yourself.

Reply September 22, 2013, 5:12 pm


Its been a year since I posted on this and i can say that patience has got me the results i wanted. As i had mentioned earlier i was seeing this guy and he was not ready to commit but after talking to him and making him understand my intentions, we finally agreed to have a relationship. Do not pressure the guy but make sure he knows what you want and also understand what he wants before going too deep into the relationship.

Reply August 31, 2011, 10:12 am


Sorry, but this is all a crock. Take your pick of someone’s reason for not wanting a title. Whether they have baggage from a previous relationship, are still recovering from a broken heart, or are truly just stringing you along to keep their options open, none of the reasons are good, not one. The only option you have is to leave.

Reply August 30, 2011, 11:17 am


Agreed. If the guy truly likes you, he’d want to be in a real relationship with you from the start. Waiting and being patient isn’t going to change anything.

Reply September 21, 2011, 10:20 am


that not true though cuz ive had guys call me their girlfriend from the start and we got into things quick and it didnt work out like 2-4 months anyway.. id rather have the guy be honest and tell me he doesnt want that label than label us and break my heart. i wish people would stop thinking there was a certain way to go about things to assure anything. THERE IS NOT

Reply December 5, 2011, 1:04 pm


i agree victoria, i been dating this guy for 6 months he calls me his and he tells me his mine but he isnt ready for the relationship label, he got off a 8 years relationship about a year ago and also has a son. i adore him and his son i want to be part of this life but i understand that he has trust issues since his girlfriend at the time cheated on him with 4 diff people. So with that been said i prefer staying with him and showing him im going to be there for him even without the tittle than moving on to someone who will call me his girlfriend and probably either cheat on me or not. Im sorry ladies who will disagree with me but good things are woth their time and the best thing in a relationship is showing someone that you will give them your time, patience and understanding.

Reply February 2, 2012, 3:50 am


I’m glad I found this article. I’ve been “seeing” this guy for 6 months. from the very beginning i knew that we were both attracted to eachother, but then i activley pursued him and then began to ask him to define our growing relationship (3 months into it) and explicitly state where we stand. in the very beginning, he said he wanted to “take things slow” and he would only contact me via text and phone in the evenings…which prompted crazy behavior and insecurity on my end. i was moving at a lightening pace and wanted him to know that i wanted more from him. for the past two months, i’ve made more of an effort to relax and have not brought up “us” too frequently and i’ve noticed that he is the one who now initiates all contact with me and we spend a lot more time together. at least two week days and usually the entire weekend. i’ve been introduced to his family and close friends. when we spend time together he is very intimate (holding my hand, touching my face, leaning for kisses,etc.), he tells me i am “his” and that i know that he is not seeing anyone, and neither am i. yet i have not been introduced as his girlfriend to his family (who has told me that he never brings women to meet them, and infact aside from me he has only met one other “girlfriend.” which brings me some solace. however, there are times when i feel that after 7 months i deserve to know that i am more to him and that he should be saying something about exclusivity and that i am his “girlfriend.” all of the signs point toward a serious relationship, but as most women i need him to tell me to bring me more security. after reading this article, i’m going to try to relax, enjoy our time, keep my options open, and see where things fall.

any feed back is appreciated. i still want to know if this guy is stringing me along. i’m really confused. i like him a lot but i do not want to play myself.

Reply July 19, 2011, 4:35 pm


I tried to email but it didn’t work.

In the beginning I started hanging out with a friend as study buddies but feeling developed, I guess he sensed it after a month or 2 and he pulled me aside at a party and told me that he was talking to someone and hopes we can still be friends and hope that nothing would change between us. So we kept on doing our everyday thing we would go to the library after our night classes and study till midnight and get food and he’d walk me back home. After a while instead of going back to my place we would go to his eat and watch tv and I would stay the night. He would sleep on the futon and I would sleep on the bed. A little farther down the road we would hang out during the day, get lunch together, and just watch hulu and what not on our laptops together at his place. Then one day he just hops in bed with me one night after a party at his place we were both kind of drunk. Woke up in the morning and act like it never happened. But after that he always slept in the bed with me and a little farther down the road we would cuddle and hold hands when I would sleep over. One day I went with him to a banquet and that night we ended up hooking up. Whenever anyone asks us if we were going out i would just kinda follow his lead and say no we were not. Later on he would hold hands with me outside but not when our friends are around and also began kissing each other. I ended up losing my apartment, he helped me move out, and let me stayed at his place for a while. He had a few of his friends over one night and they heard me talking and asked if I was his girlfriend and he said no, that was about 5 months ago. Later he helps me move into my new place and he goes with me everywhere but we both live in different city’s, he tries to see me as often as he can but he’s working 40+ hours a week now. But recently when we were hanging out where I grew up he would hold my hand in public, kiss me in public, even just hold me in line in public when my friends would be around but still he doesn’t consider me his girlfriend. He would also occasionally stay at my place and he has met my parents. Last week we went to an amusement park the whole time when we walked around he would hold my hand and he was the one who “initiated” a kiss. I was just glad to be with him and because we barely get to see each other he told me that he just feels better when im around and misses that im gone most of the time now because of the distance and schedules. It’s been been 5 months since he started even showing some intrest in me. Should I wait for him or just move on to someone else? If I should stay should I bring up how I feel? and If I do how what should I say? I really enjoy being around him but I can’t stop thinking about this at night.

Reply July 11, 2011, 4:22 am



Leave him, and stay gone until he pulls his balls out of his purse and is a man about shit. I dealt with this same situation for FIVE years, and I got screwed in the end. And the ONLY thing I wish had happened is me wishing I had stayed away from him until he was man enough to make up his damned mind. You dont deserve to be strung along. If you want something you want it. Youre not confused, uuu just know. Love yourself to be with someone who KNOWS and can ADMIT that they want YOU.

Best of luck, and love,

Reply July 1, 2011, 4:37 pm


I’m actually going through this now. I love him so much. Its been over a year and he’s still confused on what he wants. we stopped talking for about a month… started back and thing are the same. His ex is still in love with him and he says he’s in love with both of us. He doesn’t talk to her as much but still…. Th ething is is that i really think he’s confused. If he wanted to be with me or her he could be. So what do i do? Just try to Move on? Continue to be patient? Make him choose? I’m so confused… I guess either way i’m hurting myself. i just hate that he hads control over my emotions. I am really in love with him. If he asked me to marry him right now, i would say yes. I want us to work out. What do i do?? Please help!

Reply July 1, 2011, 3:15 pm

Little miss M

It’s amazing how many of us go through the same thing, here I was thinking I was the only one in the situation! What you said, and what Eric said, both were great takes. I can honestly say it changed my perspective, and I hope now to be more patient with my guy. Though I have been for a VERY long time, and I have said this to myself before, in fact, it is what I have been doing… But I guess if I have come this far, a little more time won’t hurt? Now I know what I need to do in this “little more time”, thanks to the articles. I need to not mention it, I have before, and I like that Eric said, “Once is more than enough, trust me”. It is so great to have a male, and a females opinion. I am very glad I found this website! Thank you!

Reply June 27, 2011, 9:53 pm

Miss Michelle

As much as I would like to agree that “it takes time” and that “people need time” blah blah excuse after excuse, my heart is broken from a previous relationship etc. DONT WASTE YOUR TIME WAITING. I have been there, done it and IT SUCKS because NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. If you are looking for a title and its been four months and he is still reluctant to treat you with the RESPECT and TITLE of a girlfriend then LEAVE. Do not do what I did and waste nearly two years of your life with someone who, to be quite frank, doesn’t appreciate you like you deserve. By allowing him to not give you a title or convey that you are SPECIAL to him when he is with his friends means that he is self absorbed and perhaps even a coward. Any man who truly cares about you wants his friends to know that you are special to him, trust me. Furthermore, it is absolutely selfish of him to CONTINUE to date you when you have expressed that you are looking for a title. Find a guy who LOVES you, and is not willing to string you along because he cares more about how he feels and what he needs to be happy. Find someone who meets your needs and NEVER settle for anything less. A healthy relationship is give and take and if you are giving too much back away. Pleaseplesaeplease, do not stay in a relationship where your needs are being neglected. You will regret it and most of all, miss out on amazing guys who want to treat you right.

Reply June 8, 2011, 2:55 am


I agree, this is the best response that I’ve read so far. It’s not like we’re children or teenagers anymore. The older you get, the quicker you know what you DO and DO NOT want from a relationship. I truly believe that if you’re dating someone for 3 months or more and they’re ‘not sure’ if they want exclusivity with you then it just becomes a huge waste of time and a long list of excuses. Seriously. Men (and some women) will say whatever they need to keep the relationship going without giving you what you really want. So you may get a phone call here, a text there and go out every now and then….and that may be just enough to give you hope of the relationship becoming exclusive. I say, once you hit 3 or 4 months and you’re not getting what you want, just walk away….unless of course you have nothing else better to do and waste your time. I’ve been there before and I understand that some people need time but it is so swrong to string people along for selfish reasons. Seriously.

Reply November 1, 2011, 6:37 pm


The way I see it, is that if a guy can’t commit to calling you his girlfriend then it probably means he doesn’t care about you enough to keep you around. If he did, then why would he risk losing you to someone else by not giving it a title? If you’ve been acting like you’re together for two months and you haven’t gotten the girlfriend title yet, get out! It will hurt to end things but not as bad if you try holding on longer in hopes that things will change. Trust me they wont change. And don’t try giving an ultimatum either. Don’t be like ” If you cant call me your girlfriend then I’m going to leave” Because if that by chance works on him, the relationship will just be doomed anyway because you pressured him into it.

Just make a clean break and move on. Maybe someday down the line he will be ready, but he definitely isn’t right now. And seriously, do you really even want to be in a relationship with a guy that doesn’t want to call you his girlfriend? That is the worst kind of heartache to want to be with someone that doesn’t want you back. Go out there and find a guy that loves you for you and will call you his girlfriend when the feeling is right.

Reply May 29, 2011, 1:37 pm


Wow. Amazing advice. But now what!? I have been dating my guy for 9 months.. and your RIGHT i have got to stop badgering him. But I am in pain. I cry all the time, I mean this really hurts me. Him not acknowledging us as boyfriend and girlfriend when I feel SOOOOOOO strongly towards him is Killing me. So I shut up and deal with it and wait it out but how? I feel SO much anger building up towards him and its starting to push me away, this situation just freaking sucks!

Reply May 3, 2011, 1:47 pm


I am in a situation where the guy won’t call me his girlfriend…and I even think I was afraid to call him my boyfriend much for the same reason as you mentioned (which I didn’t realize until reading this). So one day when we were casually talking about relationships after a few weeks of dating, I said the same BS about how I don’t think its necessary to put a label on a relationship. For a couple months of dating we did things that bf/gf do and his friends actually thought we were bf/gf when I met them. He also mentioned that he had feelings for me and did want me to be his GF but he was “weary”. I reciprocated the feelings and although I was thinking I want him to be my BF, I didn’t say it for fear of pushing him away since he didn’t directly ask me to be his gf. I decided to bring it up again a couple weeks later by saying that I had something on my mind. Before I could begin he said he that he had somethings on his mind too and spilled it all out. Happened to be the same thing that was on my mind but he took it the other way I was hoping. He said he had just gotten out of a long relationship a few months ago and that it was a lot of work…it takes time to regather himself and he didn’t want to lead me in that direction yet. He said that he liked me, liked hanging with me, thought I was cool, that we get along well and said he definitely wanted to continue seeing me. Although I wish I hadn’t, I agreed for fear of scaring him away saying that maybe we both weren’t ready (I had gotten out of a relationship 3 months prior to meeting him) and that I didn’t want our relationship to change. I also told him that he was more than a friend and that it feels weird when he calls me a friend because to me that is something casual but when I asked him it means I am someone he’s close to. To end it, we agreed that we view each other in a special way. Things continued normally as they had been for a few more weeks, but for about the past couple weeks it seems he is starting to distance himself now. Maybe he really isn’t ready yet. I guess I’m not either if I couldn’t just tell him what I wanted. I definitely let him know how I felt, but I just wish I would have been more honest with myself about what I WANT. Now I just don’t want to push him away further! I want to give him the space he seems to need, but I want him to know I am still interested without being needy!

Reply April 19, 2011, 9:32 pm


I am going through the same thing, right now, with a guy for 3 years but fell in love with him about a year ago. he knows how I feel and I think he feels the same way too. he treats me The problem is I have asked him many times to define our relationship, and what I mean to him, but he either gets silent, or says he not able to commit to me but will not say why. he says things are good with us and that he treats me well and does not understand how a title will change our relationship. I guess I fear if our relationship is not define then all we have means nothing, I get insecure and feel that If our relationship was defined I would feel more secure. I have invested a lot of time and effort in this relationship and feel I have so much to lose if things do not work out. I couple weeks ago the topic came up yet again as to what I meant to him, and why he refuses to put a lable on our relationship, and then broke up with him since I did not like his response. I have since thought about all the wonderful times we have had, how he treats me like a queen when we are toghether and all the effort he puts into our relationship and want things to be the way they were. While we still communicate every day, it is not as often and he does not send me the text messages throughout the day as he used to. After I told him it was over. I did not respond to his calls or text messages for a couple days, but called him a few days later and told him I did not mean what I said about wanting to break up, and that I did not want things to change things between us. I feel somewhat embarrassed and hope he does not see me as weak. I do not want to come across as needy and desperate, but realised I might have made a mistake since everything in the relationship was good and he made me feel special with all the effort he made in the relationship. While we still talk on a daily basis I can feel he has withdraw from me but says nothing has changed. by the way when I met him, he told me he had a girlfriend who lives in another country, but he still pursued me so I kinda put her out of my mind, and have not brought her up. I think I should leave, but find it very difficult to do so. I need some opinions on this

Reply June 23, 2012, 5:55 pm


this has been so helpful. I’m currently going through the same thing with a guy. I just have a couple of other details to add. When we first met he had gotten out of a heart breaking relationship so maybe its somewhat of a factor. However, we’ve been dealing for more then a year! He’s like my best friend. Not a day goes by that we don’t talk. He can’t fall asleep unless i call him. Everything about what we have is perfect. I was fine with us not going out at first, but after we had sex(both our first times) that changed. I feel like i gave him everything and he has this stupid excuse of how he’s not ready…or how he has to focus on school…everything you mentioned..and that its a responsibility. I keep telling him im not asking for anything out of this relationship! It’s like he thinks that all of a sudden he has to be there for me 24/7 and god knows watt else:S. I don’t ask for much. Just that he makes that commitment to ease my heart. Like i think if you took the chance to get serious with me in every way and sleep with me then u can make a commitment.
I am bringing it up more and more and and i will try and be careful with that. But I am not sure if I should stay with him or If I should end things. Part of me wants this relationship because I am also scared of getting hurt and being in a relationship proves to me that he’s willing to risk things for me and proves that he really loves me and its not just a word he’s using.
I just know I need to do something because im feeling hurt that he’s not asking me out and its causing me to not be the girl he loves.

Reply February 5, 2011, 2:27 pm


Im going through this right now. My boyfriend and I have been 2gether for 2 years and he still says he doesnt want to be in a “relationship” with me or anyone else. He doesnt like to have to call or check in with anyone and said he wants to do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it. He wont call me for days sometimes and he is a workalholic, he says he just “forgets” to call because he’s so busy with running 2 companies. Although we are exclusive and he does not want us to date anyone else. When we met he was seperated and going through a divorce. He had been married 12 years. I have become needy, insecure and resentful and have pushed him away to the point, he no longer wants to be with me at all. I miss the way were 2gether our first year it was great, but he completely changed, actually we both did and it just ended up unhealthy. Anyway, I wish I had read this article a year ago, because now I see how I pushed him away and now its too late.

Reply December 27, 2010, 4:54 pm


I cant help but smile at this article.. so true.. i read most of the follow up comments, and preety much got that you should just let it happen naturally… but what is letting it happen naturally? does it mean, one day, he introduces you as his girlfriend? Does anyone know or have experienced this before?

Reply December 22, 2010, 2:16 am


OMG this artical is awesome. I have been pacing for weeks because I feel like a total basketcase when it comes to me and my current guy. We have been dating for almost 7 months and since the beginning it’s been, “Not looking for anything serious right now, I love you but I’m not ready yet.” It’s been so frustrating waiting for him to call me his girlfriend and watching our friends and other couples who have been together the same amount of time or less ‘so in love’ and here I am still waiting. I also go through waves where it’s fine, I can wait and then BAM! It hits me like a ton of bricks and I start pushing him. I kind of let myself go off the last couple weeks and thought I was justified, but reading this reminds me to chill out! He isn’t fake with me and tells me he knows he wants to be with me long term, just isn’t ready to jump in just yet. I can wait. I need to, it doesn’t always mean he is running around, not really interested or playing games. I need to be strong and not make him feel like I am desperate. Because I’m not! Thank you!

Reply October 30, 2010, 2:20 pm


This definitely put my mind at ease. I’ve been seeing this guy for about two months now. And just like you said, “you are in a relationship in every single way except for the fact that you’re not technically in a relationship.” It’s basically my situation in a nutshell. And he has shared with me about why he “hates the boyfriend/girlfriend labels” because of his last relationship. It’s hard knowing that because I want to let him know that it’s not always the same and this could be a successful relationship. But in order to know if it will be or not, you have to take a chance, right? But then again, it is still pretty early in our relationship. And I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I try not to press the issue for the reasons you’ve stated. It’s a turn off! And I like this guy a lot and I would really hate to see him go at my expense. So I’m going to just let things fall into place as they should and if we end up together, then great. If not, then at least I enjoyed my time with him. But I can understand his hurt. I was in a three year relationship previous to this one and it ended almost a year ago. All of the guys I dated after that relationship ended were just to get over my ex. But this time, it’s different and I really feel for this guy. So that’s why it’s so hard for me to wait. It’s frustrating, but if things do end up the way I want them, then I’d be very glad that I just let everything go with the flow. This has really helped me and I appreciate it!

Reply September 27, 2010, 2:40 am


I now fully understand why some guys are reluctant to take that next step. I am in the same sort of situation where the guy just broke up with his girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for over 7 months now but he still wont commit. I’ve not pressured him to commit but there seems to be external pressure from close friends who still don’t understand why he won’t commit. He has told me that his previous r/ships all started through pressure from the girl so i try and avoid pressuring him, besides am not one to force someone to be in a r/ship with me, it should just happen naturally i think. Reading this article though has helped me understand the situation much much better. Thank you for the insight

Reply August 12, 2010, 5:04 am


Wow, I was in this exact situation with a guy for 2 years.. He just would not be my boyfriend.. We dated 6 months and it ended.. 1 month later we start hanging out again and 2 years later i finally got fed up of him saying oh one day we’ll be together, but never getting around to it.. when i wanted to talk he just got very angry with me.. like it was my fault he didn’t want to date. It was frustrating.. THank you for explainning your story! i have a better understand what happend through out the 2 years :)

Reply May 18, 2010, 11:23 am


Ok…Mz. Sabrina I’m so glad I read your post, because I needed that. But my sistuation is a little more different, but the same, first of all I’m with a guy thats 20years older than I am, and we work at the same place together, we really only see each other at lunch time. One day out the blue he came to me and told me he was interested in me and wanted me to call him, he gave me his home phone number that same day. I waited a few days before I called him, and we’ve been talking every since. But it’s been almost 3 months since we’ve been seeing each other, and no one at work knows about us.
We usually spend our weekends off together going to the movies, out to eat, but he usually perfer to stay in and cook, which is fine he’s 60y/o and I’m 40y/o, and neither one of us really car for the bar/club scene. He says he’s looking for an exclusive relationship with me, but, this past weekend we didn’t spend it together, which really bothered me because I have gotten use to spending my weekends off with him. He told me we don’t have to spend every weekend together, because we may both have something to do or something, fine but he also seems to think we see enough of each other at work, but if he or I decide not to got to the cafeteria for lunch we wouldn’t see each other at all at work. Not to mention thats where, and how he became interested in me, at the lunch table…He has been married once, I’ve never been married. He says he don’t and won’t rule out getting married again, when we are together, his conversations is always (we and us)…I asked him what do you want from me; and he says I just want to get to know you, and maybe ask you for hand in marriage…He always talk about winning the lottery and what he will buy me and give me…So the question is am I being pushy without really saying it. I need and want more reassurance, and conformation about what we are. I know we are dating and getting to know each other, but im also confused about his TRUE feelings, like when do we become offical (a real couple), how long do it take. He’s an only child, both parents are deceased. He has 2 or 3 close friends, and a host of cousins he really dont communicate with and am sure he’s had his share of hurt..All I want is a once in a while reassurance for my own personal reasons…what should I do??? We really don’t spend that much time together…..does being an only child with no parents play its part in why he wont express how he feels, or his age..

Reply April 21, 2010, 1:47 am


I ended up dating a guy that lived almost 2 hours away. He was head over heels from first sight. At first I wouldn’t give him the time of day. Then one day I told my friend Jamie to tell her boyfriend that he can give his cousin my number. He begin to call me everyday. We went on dates, hung out at his house. He introduced me to his son and he met my son. Our kids played together. He met my parents by accident because they showed up at my house while he was here. He invited me to his parents house. I met his parents and most of his friends. He met most of my friends. Well he pressured me constantly to be his girlfriend after a couple months. I kept telling him I’m not ready to be your girlfriend. I just got out of a 10 year relationship and the long distance relationship never works. Well for another month or two and I finally gave in. I was glad to have him as my boyfriend because it showed me that I moved on from my 10 year relationship. After five months I treated him and our relationship a little more serious. I told him I love him when we were messing around. After that it was like mission accomplished for him. I really did mean I trully loved him. I cared but not quite that much. He changed after that. He wasn’t sweating me anymore. He stopped calling and texting as much He went out of town a couple of weeks for work and some days he wouldn’t even call he would text good morning and good night. I didn’t catch on right away until it started becoming a habit. Then I finally started asking him whats up and if he found a new woman or another booty call. He would laugh and I would laugh but expect an answer. He said no nothing is going on. He has just been busy working a lot of hours. Well when he returned home I would see him the first day. As time when on the same patterns occurred less calls and texts. I knew something was going on. I had a gut feeling he was messing around on me and giving someone else my attention. I even told my friends and they thought I was crazy. He would tell them how much he cared about me and how I’m marriage material. He practically cried Halloween night at my friend Jamie’s house because I went out with my girls. They said he wouldn’t mess around on me. I started telling him this long distance relationship isn’t working anymore. He would get mad sometimes. One day I was at his house when he returned another time from out of town working and looked him dead in his eye with a big sweet smile saying you know you messed around on me. He looked like he was going to cry I was shocked. I didn’t continue to ask any additional that day. I really did want to know. At the very beginning of our relationship I had a dream that he slept with someone else. I didn’t even care about him then. I cried so hard in my dream. I couldn’t believe a guy that cares about me this much would mess around on me . Well weeks after that I still got the feeling and I told him one day out of the blue I wanted to hookup with him since I’m going back home from my friend that lives up that way. He did not want to hookup. I told him I don’t have much time to stay around though. He agreed when I told him that if he don’t give me what I want I’ll find someone who will. He was like come over I’ll give you what you want. We hooked up and he went limp a few minutes into it. It was freezing cold but this never happens. When I show up he is always always ready. Right when I left he texted me, “you are the last person I was with. I’m not always Johnny on the spot.” I was absolutely devistated. I didn’t even think I would cry so hard over this guy. I sobbed so hard it made me feel even sadder for myself. He didn’t know that I knew it was true he messed around on me. My female interwishing was fully confirmed. We broke up not long after that. He still called and texted like we were still dating. He would forget to text good morning and good night at times. He always told his friends he thinks that I’m still in love with my ex when we were together. He would joke around saying Jody hasn’t been visiting u huh. One day this guy got a hold of my phone and texted him some really bad stuff. He was out with his friends partying and he started blowing my phone up all night leaving me very angry messages to call him, but I guess you can’t call me because you too busy with him and call me tomorrow. He even called my friends phone at 4am. Not long after the guy left him the mean texts my ex left the party Since then he told me he slept with his ex because I told him I would tell him if I hooked up wit someone if he tells me and he told me he did. I asked who it was he said his ex. He now says he is in love with her again and he can’t help it happened. He still calls me everyday and texts me. I am pretty mean to him at times but he says when I get out of my mood he will call me or text him later. I left his house late the night he told me he hooked up with his ex and I did stop talking to him for a week after. Even though he says it was after we broke up. He texted me after I left if I need anything to let him know and text him when I get home. When I decided I was leaving that night he even said you aren’t going to give me a hug bye or a kiss. I did not say a word. I just kept walking to my car. I did not text him back. He texted me a day later saying that snow is coming my way and if I going to bring my son outside to play in the snow. I did not text him back He texted my friend a couple days later trying to pick information out of her but she knew what he was doing. She finally texted him back saying I was with her. I didn’t want her to tell him though. I took her phone and said stop texting my friend bitch. He said she is his friend too but she isn’t. Later on that night I was depressed and texted him and told him exactly what I thought about him and his crap. It felt really good then he had the nerve to say he was tied up at the moment. I said well you need to get untied up right now. Then I got mad and said you tied up now after you been texting me and texting my best friend all day whatever. We made ammends but I been wanting to stop talking to him again to give him something to talk about and make him worry. Since that day I have heard from him everyday like we are dating. I did see him once after we broke up but its not the same. I’m mad at him still and he acts a little weird. I don’t know what I should do. I’m not hurt I’m just disappointed. If he thought or found out I was messing with someone else he would freak out and go balisic. What is his problem? Now I do not tell him any loving things at all. I talk to him just regular no lovey dovey emoional stuff anymore. I’m not really even affectionate towards him anymore. He tried to get me too be affectionate like I use to be when I seen him, but I didn’t want too. Why does he want to breakup but maintain close contact with me? He said he is in love with his ex but wants to hook up with me and talk to me practically everyday. I am getting mad again and think I need to stop talking to him again for a while. I need opinions suggestions and what is wrong with this guy? HELP?

Reply February 26, 2010, 3:15 am


I’m having this problem right now! I’m really falling for this guy that I’ve been “seeing” for a few months, and I like where it’s headed, and neither of us are fooling around with anyone else. I’m just curious to see where it might go, and I’m okay with whatever he wants it to be. Being on the same page is always nice, though. If anyone has any tips on how to broach the subject of “exclusivity” I would gladly appreciate them! (I haven’t even brought it up yet) P.S. There’s a bit of an age difference… I’m 20, he’s 25. Thank you in advance. :)

Reply February 15, 2010, 5:55 am


I am so glad to have read this post! I’m in the exact situation that you and D have been in. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a year now and he still won’t put a label on it. At the beginning I didn’t care, because I had just gotten out of a 2.5 years relationship, but after we past just the hooking up point and got onto the dating scene my feeling for him grew — which I didn’t want it to. But it feels so good to actually care for someone, however I keep questioning if he cared for me or if I was just someone to fill in his time. I push him a couple of time for a title — it wasn’t necessarily “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, but if we are dating or not. He refuse to give me an answer when I ask him how he feels about me (even though he acts jealous under some circumstances) and just gives me the “I don’t have time for a girlfriend” crap. At some point, I feel like I’m making excuses for him because he works full time and goes to school full time. I had a feeling that there was something deeper than him being “busy” — we hang out at least once a week (more in the summer), we text everyday, and he calls me a couple times a week after work (he always initiate the calls). After reading this post it really enlightens me to just let go, and have fun with the way things are, because I do enjoy spending time with him. Like he says, “it’s not like you’re trying to make this long-term after this semester, you’re probably gonna find a job and move away anyway.” I think I found my clue.

Reply February 13, 2010, 12:01 am

Eric Charles

I was going through the older comments and reread this post – this really was a great one. Universally true – neediness is a bad thing.

Reply January 7, 2010, 8:12 pm


all i can say to you is thank you, and from my point of view (the begger).. i kind of pull at the guy i’m seeing when i get curious becuase i do read people so well. i’ve told him it’s his ex and its this and its that. hes just still in denial and says he just doenst want it. i’m done bugging him. i stopped after 4 months of wondering. i just let it be now. but i knew i was right and you just hit the nail on the head for sure.

Reply December 8, 2009, 5:00 pm


Hmmm… maybe. But I also think it’s a cop out…a guilt free way to have his cake and eat it too.

And I think it depends on the man or the woman, because in my world, men seem to move on more quickly…or maybe that what they would have us to believe.

still licking his wounds…thus why I never want to be the rebound chick.

Reply December 6, 2009, 11:50 pm


I am soo glad I read this! Thank you soo much! Iv been “talking” to a guy who when i we first met , he was the most sweet, attentive guy ever! We had great chemistry, but he has changed ALOT!!! he dosent call me/text me as much as he used to, we dont hang out anymore, but he is ocassionally sweet. I found myself being a bit pushy and annoying at times, which i guess explains why he pulled back a bit. I was always up for hanging out and spending time together (which when we first met it was the other way around ); he would agree but he would either not show up, text or call me that day to confirm, so obviously i would get upset and start asking and wondering what was going on!. His actions and words confuse me! He has told me that I am marriage material and that he wants to do things right, “he is not going anywhere and neither am i” and that things will get better, But some days I dont hear from him. I have strong feelings for him, and I dont want to loose him or let him go, but im beggining to worry! I think my hopes of becomming his girlfriend pushed him away. Any tips on how to regain his interest??

Reply December 4, 2009, 1:39 am

Sabrina Alexis


I am so glad the post was able to help you. I was totally ‘that girl’ time and time again and it wasn’t until I was on the other end of it that I fully understood that the title had absolutely nothing to do with me. I was never ashamed of D and it wasn’t that I wanted to go around dating other people, I just wasn’t ready to handle the implications of being ‘official.’ If D had just dropped the issue, it would have given me more time to think about what a great guy he was. Instead, all i could think about was how annoying he was for constantly bringing up the issue!

It isn’t always easy, but it’s so important to just let things happen in relationships. Trust me, a guy will be much more inclined to call you his girlfriend if the relationship is easy and fun rather than filled with fights over why you two aren’t ‘official.’ I was with a guy a while ago who wouldn’t call me his girlfriend even though we were in a really serious relationship. About a year after we broke up (even though we were never officially together), I couldn’t help myself from asking him why he had such a hang-up about the title. His response? If I hadn’t been so pushy and annoying about it, it never would have been an issue!

Anyway, I’m so happy to hear this post helped you and I really hope everything works out with Mr. on and off : )

– Sabrina

Reply December 2, 2009, 3:48 pm


Yeah, I have been dating a guy f02 two years off and on. Well we dated for a year, stopped for 6 months while we decided to explore dating others. and then started dating again and still are now. but only recently have we begun fooling around again. at his innitiation. no sex, but we go as far as oral sex.

he says that i want a relationship and he just cant offer me that right now. that he doesnt want a relationship with ANYONE. that he is 26 and far too confused with life right now. he doesnt have a stable job, is considering where geographically he wants to end up, has started a new degree recently, and i think he’s a little bit frustrated with life in general right now.

but he tells me he is not dating others or fooling around with others, i am the only one and he doesn’t even want to see or fool around with others.

Will he ever comitt?

Reply December 1, 2009, 7:35 pm


Im in a similar position as you Kristen.. and i dont know if i should even continue this either. I’d been friends with this guy for over 7months before he suggested going on a date and I said yes. Things were going to quick for me at the start esp when i didnt know what i wanted out of it. Emotions got the worst of me and decided we should not date and just stay friends. I had to go overseas urgently for a month a few days after that talk but had told him i’d like to think about giving it another go again when I was back. I got back to find out he had started dating someone else and just wants us to be friends. It took me a whole month to stop feeling like crap so that I could to eventually fight my urges and feelings and go back to being friends (thank goodness i have good self control) only cos his friendship means a lot. But last weekend, we began fooling around again. He told me after how things went with this last gf, he doesnt want anything serious right now (neither do I) and that I mean a lot and he values me. Im not someone who he wants over just to satisfy his needs. We haven’t slept with each other and I dont plan to either. He is a great guy and I’d like something long term someday with him. But i dont know how to tackle it right now.

Reply December 20, 2011, 10:02 pm


Nice job Sabrina!! A+. Bravo. Absolutely love this. It’s refreshing to see that you’ve actually been in a guy’s shoes when it comes to this usually relationship making or breaking conversation…. I’ve been that guy… and am that guy right now and you definitely hit some reasons right on the head as to why I am the way I am .

Reply December 1, 2009, 1:07 pm

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