5 Ways To Know It’s Time To Move On post image

5 Ways To Know It’s Time To Move On

When blinded by our infatuation (which can last anywhere on average from three months to two years), it’s impossible to look at our relationship objectively. We might dwell on their positive attributes at all times and make excuses for them when they behave badly.

We desperately want it to work out and cling to any glimmer of hope that things are heading in the right direction. When something looks like a bad sign, we might ignore it and place even more weight and significance on the good things.

Having an optimistic approach to dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It only becomes problematic when we can no longer see a situation for what it truly is and recognize when it’s time to walk away.

To help us get this clarity, here are five ways to know it’s time to move on:

1. Do they like who you are right now?
Does he accept you for who you are, or is he trying to change you? If he is constantly pointing out your flaws and faults, he doesn’t love you for who you are right now. Instead, he makes you feel like you’re not “good enough” and you become consumed with the desire to prove that you are. His validation makes you feel like you’re OK, like you are worthy of love. And his disapproval makes you feel like you need to work even harder to be worthy.

You have family and friends in your life who believe you’re freaking awesome. Listen to them rather than people who don’t truly know you. And be sure to find a solid sense of fulfillment and worth within yourself so that you don’t need to look to others to provide it.

MORE: 10 Things Confident People Do Differently in Relationships

2. Do they mistreat you but say they love you?
What are their actions over long periods of time? My grandfather taught me, “Don’t pay attention to what people say. Pay attention to what they do.”

In my experience, people say a lot depending on their views or emotions at that given time and place.

If they say they love you but don’t like spending time with you unless you’re doing them favors… they don’t value you as much as the loved ones you already have in your life.

Try to look at the entire picture, not just the bits and pieces that align with the outcome you’re hoping for.

3. Are you trying to convince them to love you more?
You feel like you’re the only one trying in the relationship. What happened to meeting each other in the middle?

When my dad and brother married, they said loving and marrying their wives was a very natural progression. They never had to perform for her or try to talk her into anything. The love and respect with their women was mutual and it blossomed naturally.

If you’re forcing anything, or if you give and give while they take and take, it’s a sign that this isn’t the right relationship. If it’s the right relationship, it will happen without any force. If you find yourself doing things in order to win his love, then he probably isn’t the right match for you.

I’m sure there are other people  in your life who deeply love you. Can you make better use of your time and energy investing into their lives?

QUIZ: Does He Really Love Me?

4. Do they value your charm and physical beauty more than your character?
Our charm comes in spurts and our physical beauty fades. At the end of the day, does he truly “get” you? And do you truly “get” him?  Does he see the real you and vice versa? Do you each appreciate who the other one is deep down, beyond the surface exterior?  These questions help us discern “attraction to image” versus “attraction to person,” so answer them thoughtfully and honestly.

5. Is he or she looking for what’s next and better?
If they’re always looking for someone they think could be a better fit, or if they resist commitment or don’t want to be seen in public with you… that’s a clear sign to get out.

When it’s the right relationship, you will be on the same page and it will come together effortlessly. If you are the one chasing the relationship and trying to force him to feel a certain way, it means you aren’t on the same page and he probably isn’t the best match for you.

MORE: 5 Relationship Rules to Live By

When I stopped asking myself, “Am I good enough for her?” or “Is she good enough for me?” and I instead began asking, “Are we a good fit?” my behavior toward relationships of all kinds changed drastically – and for the better.

I was in love once and only once, but things didn’t work out with her. Now my attitude is, “Until that comes again, I’ll stay in love with my family, my friends, my goals, and my life passions.” Adopting this attitude has resulted in my life being much, much richer.

James Russell Lingerfelt

The Mason Jar cover low resCheck out Lingerfelt’s book, The Mason Jar, a coming of age love story. The novel helps readers find healing after severed relationships and gives people hope to love again.

The Mason Jar movie is scheduled for pre-production in 2015 and will be directed in the same dramatic and romantic tones as The Notebook (2004) and Pride & Prejudice (2005). Follow him on FacebookGoogle+, Twitter or subscribe to his email list for updates.

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My man says that he talks to other women for conversation is that normal

Reply February 10, 2017, 10:28 pm


Hi. I love and get your article but im in need of some serious advice. Uhm. Soo ive been datig this guy for a couple of months now. Aand he’s different now, compared to when he was still trying to ‘date’ me. We would talk for hours and hours on end over the phone and we would go on dates and hang out and stuff. But now that we’re actually dating he doesnt really do that anymore. He just graduated from college and im still in. Plus we’re in two different states/cities. He doesbt call me as much (almost like he went from 100 to 0 real quick. )He still talks about how much he loves me and all of that. But theres no effort at all from him. He’s all talk and nothing else. All he does is chat me up. Im inlove with him, but im starting to drift from it.. can you please help me figure out whats going on? And what to do. I would reaaalllyyy appreciate it.

Reply July 11, 2016, 7:45 pm


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Reply December 14, 2015, 9:24 am

Summer Girl

Hi Ladies,
I have a question.
I’ve been in a relationship for 10yrs with the same guy, living together for 4 yrs been engaged since Christmas. The engagement is more like a promise as we are both a little guy shy from previous marriages.
We’ve been thru hell and back and always survived. Lately we’ve been having some problems and I’ve noticed that he’s been saying “It seems like you don’t want me around anymore” where he would get that I have no idea. I love him to pieces and let him know that any way possible.
Any thoughts?????

Reply June 13, 2015, 7:37 pm


I am confused! I started seeing this guy, we went out a handful of times alone and now he only brings me out with all his friends and other couples. I find myself talking and connecting more with his friends as he just kind of sits there. What is the deal?

Reply December 27, 2014, 3:05 am


i need advice my boyfriend got mad at me for a stupid reason its been already to days theirs no calls from him or text-ed me i text ed him today but nothing.i like him and it hurts me that hes mad for a stupid reason because all problems have solutions but he dosent see it.. he still has my number on his phone is that a good ..

Reply December 23, 2014, 10:17 pm



Reply December 23, 2014, 10:02 pm


Me and my feince have been togather for 5 years we love togather just had a beautiful baby togather we get into our fights but I love him to death I know he has been stressed lately n I know he would not cheat on me but I feel like he doesn’t love me like he use to he says if anything he loves me more but I feel like were at a disconnect n I hate it n he thought I hung up on him this morning when he was driving to a job w his partner n I didn’t well he is saying do u believe that bit&oh hung up she yelled at me n told me not to put her buniness out there to Gary (the guy he works with) so I hung up called back n told Gary that was not what I said at all n I didn’t hang up n he said he didn’t want to get involved n he would have mike call me. Why would he have someone answer his phone n then not talk to me never has he done that. And in the past w his family they told me he blames me if he didn’t call them saying I freaked out so he didn’t want the drama I never did that or that he calls me a bitch he says it’s not true but now I’m not so sure I’m so hurt he is so good to me so why would he act like this n do these things he is making me out to be a monster then when I get mad he turns the tables on me n makes me feel bad idk what to do. I feel like were soulmate but if he is going to be fake then how can I trust him n he will make up a excuess or say that’s it it’s over it’s stupid but he made up a whole story about me to someone making me look crazy what do u think

Reply December 23, 2014, 4:12 pm


hi i need advice my bf got mad because i dirrint sleep over his house.
the story is like this i usually sleep over his house on the weekends but this time was different his brotheir had music on really lound and i couldent sleep so i called a taxi and touck off to my house.next day he called me telling me i am dumm because i dirrint sleep over i try to talk to him but he dirrint let me.he told me he dirrint wanted to know nothing about me. he hasent texted me or called me i love him and it hurts me need advice pleas

Reply December 22, 2014, 11:45 pm


I am struggling to keep my relationship going right now. It’s been really hard and we’ve been through A LOT together but it just seems to be going all downhill now. I’m 25 years old and he’s 30. I was 23 years old when I met him. I really NEED some advice! My story is going to be LONG so bear with me please!!

So we’ve been together for 2 1/2 years now and I first met him at a party I threw at my apartment from my friends. We clicked immediately and he asked me to be his girlfriend like 2 or 3 weeks later. We were dating before that and things were gong great but I have A LOT of baggage to be honest. I had just recently broken up with my ex only a week or two prior to meeting the guy I am with now, who’s name is Jeff. So basically, I got into a fight with Jeff one month in the relationship and my ex had came over to comfort me because I was still talking to my ex even though I was in a relationship with Jeff. I ended up cheating on Jeff with my ex that night and felt horrible about it. I didn’t get a chance to tell him myself because I told my friends about it and they told him behind my back. My friends betrayed my trust and told Jeff I had cheated on him. So he broke up with me and we didn’t talk to like 2 weeks but I apologized to him and sent him cookies and a letter in the mail apologizing for cheating. We just talked as friends after that and then he eventually forgave me and took me back as his girlfriend. But I feel like at the bottom of his heart, he hasn’t totally forgiven me about it because he always brings it up even now when we get into arguments. I was actually a virgin when I met him and when we broke up, I kept texting him and apologizing and one day he was super drunk and I picked him from his house and he ended up spending the night at my apartment and we had sex. So I lost my virginity to him. That night he forgave me and took me back as his girlfriend. After all that happened, I betrayed his trust for the second time because he told me to keep a secret about something and I ended up telling my two best friends about it, who ended up telling my parents about it too. I told my best friends because I thought I could trust them but they betrayed my trust and went behind my back and told my parents about my relationship with Jeff too. My parents are super religious and they didn’t know about my relationship. I ended up moving into Jeff’s house like 3 months into the relationship because the lease to my apartment ended and my parents were paying my rent there while I was going to school but I graduated and didn’t want to move back with my parents because they wouldn’t accept the relationship and I didn’t want to be 2 hours away from Jeff. So basically after moving in with Jeff, my parents found out about the relationship and my mom kidnapped me from his house because my best friends gave my parents his address. So basically, he was fed up with all this drama and didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore, I wouldn’t blame him. My parents took me home and took my car keys, driver’s license and cell phone away from me so that I couldn’t contact him. But I still found a way to e-mail him and he said he really missed me a lot and was worried about me. I somehow managed to get my car keys back and snuck out in the middle of the night and drove to him. He was soo happy to see me! I lied to my parents and told them that I was done with the relationship and move to another city at one of my girlfriends house. I kept lying to them for over a year and they ended up getting suspicious so my dad hired a private investigator last year to find out where I was really living. Everytime, I met my family, I lied saying I’m living at my girlfriend’s house. They didn’t believe me and I didn’t know about the private investigator they had hired. So basically, my parents asked me if I wanted to go to India for my cousin’s wedding. I was hesitant at first but then I finally agreed to go. Jeff was telling me not to go. He said they would kidnap me and try to get me married out there. I laughed at him and told him that he was being paranoid and that I would be back in two weeks. So I went to India, with my parents and over there, they told me about the private investigator and found out that I was in a relationship with Jeff and was lying about breaking up with him. They took my passport away and held me there against my will for 6 months! And they tried to get me married to my second cousin! I was only able to talk to Jeff from there like once a month and he was really stressed out and worried about me. Fast-forward, I had to go through the U.S. embassy to get back to the U.S. So when I got back, Jeff picked me up from the airport and was soo happy to see me! I was super relieved to be back!! I talked to my parents on the phone a few days later and he didn’t understand why I would be contacting them after they did all this to me. It just didn’t make any sense to him n he started to think that I was lying about the whole India trip altogether. So my parents ended up showing up at his house unannounced and my dad made death-threats to him. We started looking for places to move to and I ended up getting pregnant and he bought a ring and proposed to me. So he gave up his career and we moved away. We just bought a house together in August and live an hour away from my parents. He told me not to tell anyone my address or where we moved to because he didn’t want my parents showing up at his house again. He said he doesn’t want to feel threatened in his own home. But I again betrayed his trust and told my sister where we had moved to. My parents found out where I live, and he was really upset about it. I ended up getting a miscarriage and so that was another toll on our relationship. I recently went to my parents house for thanksgiving by myself because he’s not allowed at my parents house since they don’t accept the relationship. So I left him alone for the holidays and he felt abandoned. I told my parents that he’s my fiance and they need to accept him but they refuse to because he’s not the same religion as me. I am a Sikh. My dad said he cannot get me married to a non-sikh because it’s against the religion. So they said the only way they will accept him is if he converts to a Sikh. Jeff is christian and he doesn’t want to have to convert to please my parents and give up his faith. Both my parents and Jeff said that I need to choose. Either I need to be with Jeff and cut off from my family or I need to be with my family and break up with Jeff. I told Jeff and my parents that I should not be in the middle, it’s not fair to be put in this position to have to choose. So basically I disregarded both and did not choose. So now me and Jeff have been fighting a lot over the fact that I am planning on moving to my parents house in Jan. because I start school in Jan. and my school is an hour away from where we live each way. I don’t want to spend two hours out of my day commuting so I told him, I would come home on the weekends and he doesn’t agree with that. He said if I decide to move to my parents place then I should not bother coming back. He wants me to commute. He gave me a car and even pays for my insurance and took care of my for the past 2 1/2 years and he thinks I’m being selfish and lazy by not wanting to commute. I don’t know what to do…….any advice or thoughts?

Reply December 11, 2014, 1:52 pm


I think although you don’t want to choose a side you’re going to have to for the sake of everyone. Jeff is probably going to get fed up in one & leave because he might feel like it’s constant drama. Men do not like drama what so ever. The fact that he’s been putting up with this says a lot about him as a man. You’re an adult and you have to put your foot down. If you really love Jeff then fully commit to him. I know family’s involved but we have to find our own happiness. We can’t make everyone happy. It’s either you’re going to take the leap with Jeff and start a life with him or you’re not. Unfortunately there’s no in between here. The constant avoidance of a situation is not going to make it go away. The only way for this to completely go away is if you make up your mind about what you want. You need to think about what you truly want and not what Jeff or even your parents want. This situation is an unhealthy one. At the end of the day it’s up to you. I say take charge of your life. After all it’s just that your life. I hope this gives you some clarity to your messy situation.

Reply December 17, 2014, 8:03 pm


This guy I’ve been talking to & have seen a couple of times for the pass 8 months or so is a real character & not in the good way. We were suppose to go out and it turned to nothing. I’m an understanding person and I know that things have a tendency of coming up in life. Nobody’s a psychic to know these things but the thing that strikes me as odd is the fact that if I didn’t text him to ask him he wouldn’t have said that he couldn’t make it which means I would’ve gotten ready for nothing. Luckily I didn’t get ready. I’ve never argued or showed this guy that I have a temper or that I’m a confrontational person which if pushed I can be like any normal human being. When I’m with this guy it’s amazing. I get butterflies, I blush like a school girl, sweaty palms, etc. I just can’t help but smile because I’m just happy to be around this person. There’s this undeniable sexual attraction I feel for this guy. He asked me to be officially his girl friend in October. This seems great, right? The situation is that I didn’t tell him yes or no. I gave him an honest response to think about it because I didn’t want him to get into something that he’s unsure about.I’ve never dropped hints or had the talk about being serious with this guy. I’m a believer that things have to come when a person is good & ready. I don’t believe in pressuring someone into anything that they’re not ready for. I haven’t slept with this guy. My dilemma with this guy is that I feel like maybe there’s something more going on with him like one time I mentioned going to his house & he told me I couldn’t go to his house. I mean how do you want to be officially in a relationship with me & I don’t know where you live at? Then there’s the insecurities about other men. These things just turned me off to a certain degree where it’s left me feeling uneasy. I haven’t expressed this to the guy because were not in a relationship so I don’t expect any explanation. I felt like the only reason why he asked me to go official with him is because he wants to have sex and I told him I don’t have sex unless I’m in a committed relationship. There’s the other side to me that’s like if sex was really a big deal it’s been 8 months he would just move on & he wouldn’t have even mentioned commitment at all. After he asked me out & I gave him my response, he’s been distant. I’m not sure if he’s hurt because I think he felt rejected. The thing is he’s never mentioned it again & who asks someone to be official over a text message? It felt so impersonal. He’s never tried to ask me out again which puts the obvious question in my mind how serious was he? Lately it seems like we hardly talk anymore. We use to talk for hours now he texts me the next day with a late response or weeks later with a vague answer. I’m so confused about how to approach this messy situation. I just feel like the best thing to do is distance myself from this person even though I really like this guy a lot.

Reply December 9, 2014, 7:44 pm


I cannot believe I am doing this, I never thought I would, but I’m truly at a loss and would appreciate advice or an unbiased perspective very much.

So, I’ve known this guy for eight year. When we met we were both in committed relationships but it was obvious there was a spark between us. But we always kept it friendly, it was just kind of shy and adorable. When we both became single, we kind of danced around flirting and talking more but nothing happened. Then, about three years ago, it just happened. A friend of mine told him that I had the biggest crush on him, and he told her he felt the same way. So we met up, we talked, and like fireworks we just sort of attacked each other. The sex was awkward but we enjoyed ourselves. We hooked up often after that but still remained friendly.

After a few months, he would start to say things like “I really like yo but I am just so screwed up in the head”. (Quick background – every girlfriend he has had has cheated on him or hurt him terribly in some way. The only real ex boyfriend I had screwed me up in the same way as well). So we told each other, briefly, that we cared for one another but didn’t take the conversation further. But, about 7 months into hooking up I met his sister for the first time. She and I talked for a long time until I finally introduced myself and as soon as I said my name she said “Oh, YOU’RE Melanie? I’ve heard so much about you!”. That shocked me, but I took it as a good sign as he must have been talking about me to his family.

Any way, fast-forward. It’s been almost three years and we are still having sex (which just keeps getting better each time and there is so much passion and chemistry, it’s ridiculous). We try to make plans to hang out and do something outside of the bedroom but we always find excuses to not do so. When we do meet up, he’ll make a point to say that he just wants to cuddle that night, or even once only a short time ago said that we should talk about “us”. But we always end up ravaging each other instead. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, and all sorts of great things before, during, and after sex. We hold each other and always spend the night after.

So after years, and knowing that I like the guy, and after going on random dates with others and either just not feeling it or my thoughts keep going back to this one, I finally decided to get over my fears and ask him out. So I sent him a text the other day that said I had been thinking about him and that I would really like to go on a date with him sometime, just to see what happens. The response I got I did not expect.

He sent me a novel! He said he had been thinking of this for a while, and that he has been wanting to tell me he doesnt think we should have sex anymore. Says he feels remorseful everytime we hook up. He said that I am one ofthe most incredible people he’s met, that I’m intelligent and awesome and kind, and that I deserve so much better. He goes on about how he thinks he’s a total piece of shit with bad credit, horrible debt, worthless, etc. and that I’m wasting my time with him because again, I deserve someone better. He even went as far as to talk down about his penis size (which is in no way a factor to me). We exchanged a few more texts, with him just continuing to talk shit about himself and talk me up, almost feeling like he has put me on a pedestal, and that we are such good friends, he would like to remain friends, regardless of our physical relationship. He even agreed with me that we should meet in person to talk about all of this.

So I guess my question, or questionS rather, are what is he thinking? Why is he doing this? Is it just because he doesn’t want ME, or is he scared? The fact is, I’m not much of a commitment type. I want to focus on my career and having adventures, not starting a family and I never want to get married. I don’t want to take on someone else’s problems and I don’t want them to take on the burden of my own. I don’t even want much to change. I just want someone that has their own thing going on, that doesn’t feel the need to answer to me or I to them, that will allow me the freedom to focus on my growing career but also sharing together our successes and happiness. I just want a little more effort, a little more consistency, that’s all. I don’t want him to change. I love him for him, flaws and all, which is so different than the way I have felt about any other guy I’ve “dated” or met. Is that so much to ask, or am I wasting my time?

Sorry for the lengthy rant, I’m just going a little crazy about it.

Reply November 20, 2014, 11:24 pm


Maybe Melanie he is scared of taking the next step due to his prior relationship standings with women who have cheated on him in the pass. He probably needs to get over his issues with trusting women again, he needs to believe that not all women cheat just like I’m pretty sure you believe not all men cheat other wise why would you want to take the next step with this guy considering that you’ve been cheated on as well. The best thing is to try to have a serious talk about what his real issues are instead of emasculating himself as worthless, etc, etc. That’s a wall he’s using to push you away. Maybe he’s really hurt like I mentioned or maybe he just doesn’t see himself in any sort of a relationship just yet. He could be in the stages of just wanting to just mess around. It’s important that you get down to the bottle of what he really wants meaning if he’s just looking to hook up. If he’s putting himself down it’s clear that he’s not into committing although you see yourself with this guy. I suggest once you get down to where he stands right now that you leave the dating topic alone. He might feel cornered considering that you guys would hook up casually and now you’re dropping the big “Commitment Bomb” on him. I hope this gives you some perspective on how to approach the situation. I hope this helps you out a little bit or at least you take something from this.

Reply December 9, 2014, 8:00 pm


This is very good advice. I was in a relationship for a year with a guy I really love. He broke up after a big fight. I was very self absorbed at the time, took him for granted and know the mistakes I made. He also had things which he did and has since realized. Since then we started hanging out again and we talked through a lot of things. It has been very fun and healthy the last two months and we started being intimate again. Now he has told me that he wants to see other people, that he thinks there could be a woman who is a better fit and that he is torn. He says that he does not want to hurt me yet he is confused, never really dated like most guys and he needs to discover where he is. He was married for 15 years then single only for 3 years, spending half that time with me. I am heartbroken. Do I continue to date him casually, and start dating other men? Do I end it because he openly states that my ways of being aren’t always compatible for him? My friends say to leave, that he just isn’t in to me yet he does seem to love me. I am confused. I love him and don’t want this to end. Please help!

Reply October 31, 2014, 6:40 pm


Here’s a curve ball for you: what if you know he loves you, but he has a real psychological problem that’s like an evil twin in the relationship? My guy seems to have serious ADHD/ + ODD, but he refuses to look into it, complete denial and resistance. It sabotages not only us, but other areas of his life, including things like constantly running late, over-scheduling/exhaustion, disorganization/forgetfulness (then shame); frustration outbursts, impulsive spending, etc. Oh and: more-or-less getting me to act like the “parent” in the relationship. No thanks. In fact, I wouldn’t even have minded that so much, if not for the impulsive, disrespectful temper outbursts – which he feels ashamed about later.

We’re both over 35.

After he reneged on his (4-year) proposal to me, I’ve asked him to move out, even though it pains both of us to do that. I felt both that: I needed clarity, and he needed to live on his own, and maybe recognize on his own that talking to a counselor would do him some real good, on a lot of levels. He has insurance to cover it.

Feedback? (Thanks!)

Reply October 14, 2014, 12:28 pm


Hi Julie,
I always tell people to seek the counsel of wise elders in their lives they know and trust. Men and women who have built a stable and healthy marriage for a number of years. Ask what they think.

Reply October 15, 2014, 12:38 pm


Where do I ask my question? I’m on my phone’s internet and some how I seem to be missing that link. Please help with the email adress

Reply October 14, 2014, 4:33 am

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