I have been dating a guy for six months, but we’re not official. I like him a lot and really enjoy spending time with him and I know he feels the same about me. Since we both have busy work schedules and children, we do not see each other often, maybe every other week, and we’ve taken two trips together (including one last weekend). In between seeing each other i person, we text and e-mail sporadically.
I’m just wondering if this relationship is heading in the right direction, and if it will lead to something lasting. I am also worried about coming across as needy and sometimes I hesitate to initiate texts with him. For instance, is it needy behavior to send the text: “Thank you for yesterday – I like when we see each other, it feels good”?
In your question, I didn’t see anything particularly alarming… you’ve been seeing the guy for six months even though you both have busy lives (work, children, etc.). Logistically speaking, it sounds like you both don’t have much spare time, and yet you are making time for each other.
You asked me whether or not it’s needy behavior if you send that text, “Thank you for yesterday – I like when we see each other, it feels good.”
To answer if it’s needy behavior… that depends on one thing: What was your mindset when you wrote that and sent it?
Let me explain….
I get a lot of questions from women asking me if their behavior is or isn’t needy. Neediness is not a set of behaviors. Neediness is a state of mind; it is a mindset.
Essentially, the neediness state of mind is when you believe that you need the relationship to be a certain way to make you happy, or make you feel OK, or make you feel complete, or make you feel significant, etc.
The needy mindset happens when you believe that your emotional state is determined by what happens in the relationship. You have the belief that this other person or relationship holds the keys to your emotional well-being, whether that’s happiness, a sense of relief, a sense of wholeness, a sense of significance, etc.
This sort of thing is common… “normal,” even… but it is also completely self-destructive. It doesn’t help you or the relationship at all – in fact, it destroys it.
The issue here is that nobody and nothing outside of yourself is responsible for how you feel. I know it might not always feel like that’s true (we can get sucked into the drama of situations and circumstances), but it is the truth. Ultimately, you are responsible for your mood and emotions. Moreover, your mood and emotions are entirely sourced by how you relate to the world… and not by what happens or doesn’t happen in the outside world.
The ultimate trick to never being needy is simply this: Enjoy other people, but never need them.
In this way, you enjoy every moment you have with the other person, but there’s never any pressure or agenda on your part.
When you embrace this, not only will you never be needy, but your relationships will also massively improve. You will enjoy the other person exactly as they are, which gives them the space and freedom to relax and enjoy themselves with you too.
Regardless of how they’re acting or not acting. Regardless of what they’re doing or not doing. Regardless of what they’re saying, the title of your relationship, etc. When you can be OK with the other person simply being as they are, the relationship flows effortlessly.
Conversely, if you fall into the trap of believing you need another person to be some other way before you can feel happy/OK/at peace, then your mood is going to be poisoned by the feeling that you’re not OK right now. Emotionally, you’ll feel like you’re suffocating and that they are the ones who hold your oxygen….
In that case, you will be desperate to them. You will cling to them. You will resent them. You will have an agenda with them – to bring about whatever it is you think will make you feel OK.
It’s a trap. All that you’ll accomplish is to poison your mood… your energy… your vibe… and being around you will feel like suffocation to him. He will want to run away.
Is this relationship going anywhere? It might, it might not. There is no use in trying to figure it out. No one can predict the future, you just have to wait and see. And in the meantime, you can focus on just enjoying what you have and building a meaningful connection.
While your question was about neediness and the state of your relationship, I believe you were really asking me a deeper question, which was, “Am I OK?”
Yes. You are OK. And you will continue to be OK, so long as you remember to enjoy every moment of your relationship as it is, without needing to make it go somewhere… your genuine and thorough enjoyment of him is the attractive energy that a man can’t resist.
Hops this helps,