Infatuation…The Silent Relationship Killer (Excerpt from “He’s Not That Complicated”) post image

Infatuation…The Silent Relationship Killer (Excerpt from “He’s Not That Complicated”)

As some of you know, Eric and I are going to be publishing our first book. “He’s Not That Complicated: How to Crack a Man’s Romantic Code to Get the Relationship You Want,” very shortly. (We will be releasing the book to the members of our Dating Decoder e-mail list within the next few days and then doing a worldwide launch within a month or so. If you want to be the first to have it, sign up for the list today!). There have been numerous setbacks (including my hard drive crashing and taking with it the most up to date version of the book!), but we  emerged triumphant. The book is ready and we are beyond eager to share it with all of you.

As a little appetizer, we’ve decided to share a small excerpt from the book. I decided to share the section on infatuation since I’m sure it will resonate with most of you. Read on to check it out and please share your thoughts in comments!

Excerpt from “He’s Not That Complicated” by Sabrina Alexis and Eric Charles

The beginning of a new relationship can be a confusing time, tricking you into seeing and feeling things that are not true. Infatuation usually starts with the proverbial spark. You feel that tingly sensation all over, your senses are suddenly heightened and you’re experiencing something you’ve never felt before

As romantic as the idea of love at first sight may seem, it’s not reality. You cannot possibly know someone on a profound enough level to love them after a brief encounter. You can, however, become infatuated with them and this is where the trouble begins. We usually become infatuated when we don’t quite know how the other person feels about us. We know we felt something strong and all-consuming and that’s enough to convince us the other person must have felt it too, at least in some capacity. We read into the things they say and do, looking for any signs that prove our emotions are correct and that this is it.

This uncertainty about how the other person feels may cause you to obsess. Suddenly, this guy goes from mortal to end-all-be-all. His approval causes unmatched levels of exhilaration; his disapproval sends you to the depths of despair. When the initial magic fades, you may try to cling desperately onto anything to keep the fantasy alive. This may result in needy behavior: asking him why he didn’t call or text, analyzing every detail of every interaction, inviting him over out of the blue, even the dreaded drunk dial. At this point you’re grasping at straws, desperately trying to salvage something that never was.

When we become infatuated, we lose ourselves in the object of our desire. We don’t see ourselves as we are; instead, we focus solely on how the other person sees us. It is a cruel trap if ever there was one.

As soon as you depend on someone else for love and approval, you’re done for. You are at his mercy and he has you under his complete control. From there, only more problems arise. You bang your head against the wall trying to figure out how to get him to be the guy you hoped he would be, the one who is caring and considerate. You try to talk to him calmly and rationally, but it doesn’t get you anywhere and the problems persist. If you’re an ANM reader, this is probably when you’ll submit your first Ask a Guy question. Or, you’ll just round up your girlfriends and moan in exasperation, “I just don’t understand men!”

When you become so consumed with the approval of someone else, you open the door for insecurity to come flooding in and without even realizing it, you become needy. The best defense in this situation is a strong offense. You need to know who you are and what you want so that you can clearly recognize when you’re in a situation that you don’t want. The trouble with infatuation is that it places the other person on an undeserved pedestal. What can you do? Reclaim that throne!

At the end of the day he’s just a guy, there are plenty more of them out there. However, there is only one of you. Remember that and try to make the relationship you have with yourself your main priority.


Hope you enjoyed this little preview and I really hope you’re as excited to read the book as we are to unleash it! If you join our Dating Decoder list you will not only get to purchase the book as soon as it’s available, you will get regular e-mails from myself and Eric about all things men and relationships. You’ll learn how men think, what their behavior really means, how to get a guy to commit and treat you the way you’ve always wanted, how to re-ignite the spark in your relationship, how to hold his interest to ensure he never withdraws and leaves you hanging and much, much more, so if you haven’t joined yet, sign up today!

UPDATE: The book is now available! Click here to learn more about it and find out where can get it!

– Sabrina Alexis

Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

11 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...

Laura G.

So I have been seeing a guy for 2 months and have fallen into this trap so badly. If it has already happened, is there a way to backtrack and fix it if he has the upperhand now? Would love to hear of any experiences where someone has regained their power after doing these things!

Reply July 30, 2015, 11:54 am


Hi Laura!
I was in your shoes a couple of years ago and simply you have to realize that no one can make you happy if you’re not able to be happy by yourself. For instance, if you are insecure no matter how great the guy is you’ll always find something that will trigger your insecurity. Of course I know that no relationship is perfect and no human being is perfect. Having wants is definitely ok, but the question is how you obsess over them. I regained my power by taking some time to myself, and actually, spending more time with my friends than my (now-ex) boyfriend. Because there really is so much to live instead on fixating yourself on a guy! Once you’re in peace with yourself, i think you’ll be happy regardless of who enters and/or stays in your life.

Reply January 21, 2016, 1:24 am


Infatuation has got to be up there with the worst of emotional roller coaster rides of all time, next to grief and shame. Maybe worse, because it’s so easily mistaken for love, when it’s so not. It’s all about what “I” get out of the relationship, how it makes “me” feel, how out of control my emotions become. That’s not love. It’s obsession.

There’s no such thing as “love at first sight.” That’s a Hollywood misnomer for lust or dopamine/oxytocin overload. We aren’t taught what this actually is because everyone falls for it at some point. And we re bombarded by pop songs and film and advertising that our FEELINGS are more important than our REASON.

THANK YOU Eric and Sabrina for trying to help educate us!

Reply November 27, 2013, 1:32 pm

johnny doe

I am a guy and I do exactly what this article says when I go out on dates! I guess that means I think like a girl. . .

Reply July 26, 2013, 1:09 am


I will be purchasing your book in the near future. But I want to thank you for this exerpt.
I’ve had failure after failure in relationships, never understanding MY mistakes. I really needed this, and very much appreciate all the information you’re sharing with us!

Reply January 30, 2013, 8:24 am


The same exact thing is happening to me right now. I met this guy online 2 months ago and everything was great. He used to always asked me out on a date days in advanced and we would have a great time every time we spent time together. The problems started arriving when he started to go out more and more with his friends during the weekend and he would completely forget that I existed or he was very cold and dry in his text msgs. Last week we talked about doing something during the weekend but didn’t really set anything in stone. Friday he went out with his friends and so did I, and saturday he asked me if I had any plans and I said I wasn’t sure and neither did he. But yet he did not mention anything about seeing each other that day so I went to a bar with my friend. When I was buying a drink at the bar my friend told me that she had just seen him but I didn’t pay much attention until 20 mins later when she mentioned it again. So I went up to him and said hi but literally a minute later he said he would be right back but I did not wait for him. 20 Minutes later he started texting me and telling me that his friend got sick and he had to leave but I did not reply.. and he kept texting me all night but I didn’t feel like talking to him. Anyway things between me and him have started fading and I have told him about it and he says he wants a relationship with me and that he misses me but yet makes no time to be with me. I’m going to wait for this weekend and see how he acts with me and if he tries to make plans with me otherwise I think I might just call things off with him. I hate being in this emotional roller coaster where one day we are happy but the next he is extremely cold and dry to me. Any suggestions on what I should do? Im I taking things too serious?
I just feel like when two people like each other they want to see each other more often but yet me and him only see each other once a week and the rest of the days he is out partying with his friends. I don’t have any problem with that but sometimes I feel like he is just coming to me when all of his friends are busy.

Reply August 31, 2012, 10:52 am


This sounds exactly like me and the situation that I’m in at the moment after 3 months. It’s making me so emotionally unstable when it comes to him (as in I’ll be dispairing when he’s not replied but really happy when he does) – I hate myself for it. However how do you know when the guy is being unreasonable or when it is just your own insecurities/state of mind and actually he is acting ok???

Reply August 20, 2012, 6:19 pm

50 plus dating

Almost all guys won’t admit the item, but most of you find “first date” experiences can consist of mildly anxiety-provoking to absolutely nerve-wracking. And usually, that’s for a decent reason. Like they claim: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And the stakes should never be higher than when you’ve simply just met a great woman you could possibly share the rest you could have with, right?

So…once you have these first date “basics” covered (do I really have to say it? Things like good practices and manners) it’s the perfect time to master the 3 most powerful ways to make a great first impression using a first date:

#1: Talk with A Woman Like It’s To start a date, Not A Job Meet with

Men who focus on behaving politely into a fault on a first date are Greatly predisposed to come across as stiff…anxious…or worst off, totally BORING. These guys behave like they’re out on a position interview or something. The reality is, most women come clear of SUCCESSFUL first dates saying stuff like, “He was so funny…there was this chemistry between us…I come to feel something for him. ”

That’s why it’s critical that your man “heat up” the common, polite first meetings in addition to conversations by nurturing fascination, enticement and excitement within a woman. The easiest way to accomplish this is to speak to her as if you would like have fun — that she’s a FRIEND rather then a potential employer.

As soon as the first “hello” moments on the date, feel free for taking the usual conversation issues (careers, movies, whatever) and redirect the conversation in a fashion that creates FUN instead connected with TENSION and STIFFNESS. In the event she’s wearing something useful, tease her gently concerning this. Ask her to keep the door for YOU. Tell her you’re tired with talking about your job…you’d rather look at an ultra-cool experience you recently had. Or (even better), one who SHE’S had.

Oh…and if she will give you a compliment, take it as an opportunity to challenge her in small solutions set you after that usual, nervous first time frame guy. Make a lie like, “Look, I’m not like other guys. Compliments won’t bring you anywhere. ”

In different words, treat her such as a friend (and not like you’re seeking to “win her over” in addition to impress her) and you’ll view amazing results.

#2: Halt Asking Those Lethal “Attraction Killing” Issues

Once a woman you’ve just met starts to think about you in a unique way, she’s likely to hold thinking of you in that way. This is why I might suggest that men avoid this impulse to ask these standard “first date” questions by any means costs…most of which usually are guaranteed ATTRACTION KILLERS.

No matter if it’s because he’s tense, insecure, or just hasn’t thought out ahead, I can’t explain how many men tell me them to ask questions like, “So…how ya think it’s going? ” Even more difficult: “Do you think we’re a superb match? ” Worst off: “So, do you including me? ”

These sorts of questions reek of desperation…and desperation would be the biggest ATTRACTION KILLER, clubhouse none.

Instead, ask issues that signal you’re knowledgeable, inquisitive, and interesting.

#3: Operate the Right Body Language

When you meet a woman for once, I just can’t claim it enough…you MUST be aware of your body language. Of course, it starts “speaking” into a woman before you previously say a word. This means making sure to help keep eye contact (but don’t ignore to blink…there’s no easier way to see as a little little scary).

Sit upright. If she ever draws cool off from you, never “chase” the woman by leaning in. As a substitute, make sure that you draw back, too. When you chat, use a low, slow-moving voice tone. If people rush your words, you’re almost certainly going to stammer. During conversation, go searching the room a little to break the stress.

All of this gets you off into a great start — and just might keep you from losing the experience before it even will begin

So act like someone instead of a stiff…avoid wanting to know those “lethal” questions…use the suitable body language…and getting an incredible SECOND date is nearly assured.

Reply August 19, 2012, 5:48 am


SO true it’s sad. Been talking/dating this guy for 4 mths now. Just realized I
put myself in this category without even knowing. Feel completely stupid. Don’t know what to do… :/

Reply August 18, 2012, 1:33 am


Right on the money. Love.

Reply August 17, 2012, 11:28 am


Thanks for sharing! I can not WAIT until the book comes out!

Reply August 17, 2012, 9:51 am

Leave a Comment


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"