Ask a Guy: How to Turn a Friends-With-Benefits Into Something More post image

Ask a Guy: How to Turn a Friends-With-Benefits Into Something More


I met this guy through some friends and started liking him. He liked the girl that introduced us and she also liked him. One night we were hanging out and  he and I almost hooked up. He told her so they are no longer friends due to her lack of trust in him, but now several months later he and I have been getting together almost every night. I finally told him that I like him and wanted it to be more and his response was reasonably better than I hoped for and he said he “kinda likes” me. I told him that I didn’t want to be just a “booty call” and he said he’s not like that, but he won’t make it more.

Now he won’t talk to me– no calls, texts, facebook messages, or emails.  How do I get him to make it more than just “friends-with-benefits” or even go back to being just friends?

The issue is that you want more than friends with benefits, but you already act like a girlfriend. It would be like if Best Buy was selling TVs for $100 but then the cashier said to you: “But we want you to pay more…”

It’s tricky because at this point, you’ve already set your price. And to change it would come across as manipulative. The way out of this would be to simply treat the relationship as it actually is now instead of acting as if it’s more.

You are single. He is not your boyfriend. And he’s comfortable in this arrangement, so there’s no reason for him to choose anything different.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to be happy. But there is no reason he would do anything different than he has been doing since what he’s been doing so far has worked well.

Guys are very content with a relationships being what it is. If he’s enjoying himself and it’s working, there’s no need to have it turn into something else.

So how do you act in this situation? Enjoy your time together, but keep looking. Keep your options open. Look to your life to fill you up, make you happy, and make you fulfilled.

We’ve all seen it a thousand times… but when we’re in the situation ourselves, somehow we forget what it looks like from the outside. The simple fact is this: asking or pressuring someone into moving the relationship forward does not work.

MORE: When a Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend

But being a limited edition prize to be won certainly does.

That is to say… if a man knows that he could lose you to another man who fights harder to have you, then he will bring his A-game to lock you down and have you as his.

And if he doesn’t, it is a crystal clear communication that he didn’t want a relationship with you in the first place.

If you want a relationship, don’t come to him with your hands out wanting. Show up in the relationship as happy and completely fulfilled already. And live your life as an available item on the dating market until a man locks you down.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Jackie

I have been with my fwb for about 2 months and the sex is amazing!! We are both at the same level, which is no expectations, we only contact each other for sex. The problem is that, i have been the one initiating contact for the hook ups. I really don’t have a problem with it exept that after a while, i beleive there should be a balance. Whenever I contact him, he is always available for me and if he can’t, he calls me as soon as he is available. But now I’m starting to feel like I’m desperate and I rub his maculine ego way too much. I also want to feel desired even if it’s just for sex. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it or should I not contact him and just wait for him to contact me for the next hookups?

Reply November 23, 2020, 1:00 pm

Eric Charles

That’s a good place to start. Leave some space for him to reach for more of you.
If he doesn’t reach out, then you have your answer and you can gracefully let go of the FWB situation.

Reply November 24, 2020, 2:44 pm

Joanna

What do I do…..say….. this guy and I have been seeing each other for six months exclusively. He has introduced me to his family. We have our grandkids for the weekends together. We are together every thurs thru Sunday. We have sex. Laugh and have great times. He got me something for valentines Now. He says we are just friends. His family told me they were glad I was part of the family. He said didn’t you tell them we were just friends. We only kiss on the cheek and that is rare. If I ask him if he wants me to stay he says it’s up to me his door is always open. He always wants me to hold him when we are in bed he foot follows me all night he doesn’t want me away from him. He says he likes things the way they are why mess it up with words like relationship or girlfriend he says he is not looking for anyone else he has a girl. Very confusing. Can anyone help. I’m happy but would like more affection. I asked him about kissing and he says he doesn’t want to. He will occasionally kiss me on the lips depending on the alcohol level. One time he said he loved me and immediately said no I don’t I just laughed it off saying of course you don’t. Conflicted is my mindset right now.

Reply February 17, 2020, 4:09 pm

Ezra

Men and women aren’t different species lol. Guys have feelings too and also may want more but are too scared to ask. Fwb isn’t always catastrophic. It can go places. And fwb doesn’t always result in women catching feelings. This article and the comments make me cringe lmao

Reply November 6, 2019, 8:42 pm

Hanna

I really think I completely sabotaged any potential for a relationship. Can you private message?
I’m at a loss here.

Reply November 5, 2019, 6:53 pm

Opal

I’ve been in a friendship with benefits for over five years but even though that’s what we’re supposed to be we both only sleep with each other and tell each other I love you. We are bestfriends and share everything with each other. Is that friends with benefits or more. It gets so confusing at times

Reply August 15, 2018, 8:41 pm

Eric Charles

Hmmm… it certainly sounds deeper than just a FWB, but 5 years? And you tell each other I love you?
I’ll make things easy for you so you never have to be confused about your relationship status ever again: You are either 100% single or in a 100% clearly committed relationship.
If there’s any question, you’re 100% single. The rest is just details but if he wants commitment with you, you’d already have it. And if there’s no chance of losing you anyway, there’s no chance of him changing.

Reply September 28, 2019, 1:41 pm

Hannah

I’ve been sorta dating this guy everything was going towards boyfriend and girlfriend. I didn’t pressure him at all, but then he freaked out. Now we are stuck in this fwb area.

Reply November 23, 2016, 11:55 am

Eric Charles

Does that mean you’re participating in a relationship dynamic that you don’t want?
If you don’t want a relationship dynamic, don’t participate in it. Say no thank you.
Either he won’t be OK with losing you and offer up a relationship that you actually want or he’ll be OK with letting you go. Either way, you’ll step out of being confused and unhappy with things into clarity and a way forward.

Reply September 28, 2019, 1:42 pm

Rachel

So a woman has got to keep having sex with him and be content with the status until he wants more from it or until she finds another man? Of course sex is primal to the male, but it’s not the same way to a female, so what you’re saying is pretty difficult for a woman to comply with.

Reply July 25, 2016, 3:11 pm

WomenAreHumanToo

Your latter statement is equally difficult with which to comply. Sex is as “primal” to a woman as it is to a man, sometimes even more so. But your former question was on point.

Reply September 28, 2019, 1:03 am

Eric Charles

She “has” to keep having sex with him?
No, I never said that.
This can all be boiled down very simply: A guy can have sex with a woman an infinite amount of times and never develop feelings of love for her.
There are absolutely ways to communicate with a man that will build feelings of deep love and commitment with him, but sex isn’t it.
Personally, I think Friends With Benefits is a catastrophic idea for women. Great for guys, but doesn’t work out well for women and it’s a pipe dream to think it’s supposed to.
I mainly wrote this article to highlight the realities of it, but certainly not to recommend it.

Reply September 28, 2019, 1:38 pm

Talls

So, I have devloped feelings for a guy who I have known for a few years. At first we were just friends, no real interest in eachother. In fact, I didn’t realize I might have feelings for him until his ex accused me of trying to steal him. I wasn’t; at the time, I wasn’t interested in any relationship. A few months after their relationship ended, we started doing oral sex and we haven’t increased beyond that (does that even count as FWB?) But, we talk everyday, all day except when work gets into the way. He always asks how I am, what I am up to, stuff like that. Why I am posting asking what to do/what is going on is that he knows I have feelings for him. Back in February, he found out and told me he didn’t seem me as anything more than a friend. Then this happened. I dunno, anyone have any insight?

Reply July 19, 2016, 8:03 am

Kelsey Smith

I love this artical. It really helps. Thanks!

Reply June 2, 2016, 9:23 pm

Eric Charles

I’m glad!

Reply September 28, 2019, 1:42 pm

Sam

I met this guy when I had my ex boyfriend, he was always so certain about that he is a better it whatever. But I knew I can’t be in the relationship with this guy because our personalities are so different. But after I broke up with my boyfriend (3months later) I gave this guy a chance. We started going out for dates. And 2 month later, we starts having sex without any title. It was good. Then 1.5 month later, I fell more for him. So I was asking him what are we. And he said”we are getting to know each other”. Even though he get jealous when I’m with other guy, he doesn’t really restricted me to go out for a date. It became messier we had one more fight after then he stop talking to me for two days and tell me he needs time after pressuring him why he’s not texting me. I was, of course, hurt for him saying that but there is nothing I can do. Then following week he contacted me to com over. We watched game and had sex for somehow. He told me to have dinner or something that weekend. But I told him I like you too much for handling this relationship. Then week after I asked him to meet with me and said sorry for the unnecessary fight we had before and I want us to pretending that we never had sex before. Then it was end. He’s such a good guy and responsible. I think it would be nice if he could be my boyfriend. But I don’t know what to do after I end things like this.

Reply May 4, 2016, 1:50 pm

Lexii

I’ve gotta agree with this article. “if a man knows that he could lose you to another man who fights harder to have you, then he will bring his A-game to lock you down and have you as his.” My current boyfriend (nice to finally call him that lol) started out as a FWB. In the beginning, I asked him what he wanted and he said that he didn’t want a relationship, so I entered this thing with my eyes wide open. As time progressed, of course so did my feelings, but I was too afraid to say anything in fear of ruining our arrangement…we were FWB but did relationship things and I was content with it…Around Christmas (8 months into the “relationship”) I mustered up the mental strength and asked him again “what are we”. And he hit me with the “I don’t like titles” AGAIN, so I spoke to him like an adult. No ultimatum, no temper tantrum, I just spoke to him very matter of factly and said “Look, since you don’t like titles does that give me the freedom to go out and talk to other guys?…I’ll keep you number 1 for now, but I just want to make sure that if you find out I am seeing other people, you aren’t going to blow up on me” I guess this made him very uneasy because about 2-3 weeks later he gave me the title. If you are in a FWB relationship that you want to have turn into an actual relationship you have to show him you know your worth. You can’t be afraid to leave the FWB relationship. You have to show him that there is a real possibility of him losing you and that you’re not afraid to leave. One day I asked my boyfriend what finally made him give in, and he said that when I told him he was never going to find anyone like me or better than me it gave him an epiphany (I don’t even remember saying that to him but whatevs it apparently worked lol)….then to have me ask him if he would be mad if I started doing whatever I wanted, and that fear of losing me to another man hit a little too close to home and lit a fire under his butt.

Reply March 24, 2016, 3:47 pm

Rita

I have a friend from childhood, we live and lived in different states, we reconnected 20 years ago and have kept in contact via social media, text or however possible. He has been in several relationships and married a couple of times. He has invited me to trips and visit his home several times. I recently took him up on a visit…we met briefly in Nov and then I visit for a week in Jan. He says he is not interested in being a relationship, but he has female friends…..I had the most beautiful time with him and I receive Goodmorning, Goodnight texts almost daily. He calls me beautiful, sweetie, baby, etc. I’m not sure if I need to back off and pursue other avenues or if this has potential to be something more serious. What do you think? How should I handle this?

Reply March 21, 2016, 3:10 pm

Dawna

I have been in a 3 year on and off again romantic relationship. I am in love with him, but I seem to define in love differently than most people. After many years of unfulfilling committed long term relationships, I don’t see why I should waste anymore time. Every moment I am with my lover, I have his undivided attention and desire. He doesn’t talk a lot, but what he does say feels sincere. He never, ever puts me down. He loves my curvy body, therefore never makes me feel fat. I have no desire to live with anyone, and am petrified of being with anyone else, since when I’ve tried that, it’s just cold comfort and I end up crying, missing my lover, and blowing of the dude I gave a chance to, which by the way, has resulted in inindation of texts, calls, emails, by the guy who feels dumped. Ironically, I find this kind of amusing. Especially when he was all so sure of himself having scored with me, so convinced I’d want him again. Ha ha. Whatever. Anyway, the problem is that my lover has disrespected me by taking a call from another woman while out with me. I am exclusive with him, because I only have the desire to touch, kiss, hug, make love with him. Not because we have a commitment. Right now I’m ignoring his requests to see him, but I do respond politely when he texts. He knows I’m pissed and that he crossed the line. I heard her asking him questions and he was lying to her about where he was and what he was doing. I will not be with him if he is attached to anyone else. I have no way of knowing if this is the case. My questions are. Does he have the loving feelings for me that I have for him when we’re together and when he thinks of me? Also, I do not want a commitment in the conventional sense, I want to be the reason he won’t commit to anyone else. Is this realistic? I won’t waste time telling you about him, other than he has had the same experience with commited relationships as I have and he sees other women. He says I’m amazing in bed, and I have perfect body for doing so because it’s smooth soft and just exactly the right fit. His lovemaking is all about pleasing me. It’s communication and intimacy like I’ve never known. When we’re out, he can’t keep is hands off me. That is why I stay and keep coming back. Not lack of self respect or low self esteem or having a fixer complex. So, does he love me?

Reply April 25, 2015, 10:04 am

Kristina

You said if a man knew he could lose you to another man, then he’ll step up if he doesn’t want to lose you. I agree with that; however, how else would he know that if all the woman is doing is showing up being content with the relationship as it is?

I recently ended it with a guy I was seeing for 3 months because he just wanted to keep the relationship as is. Yes I brought it up and asked point blank. I wasn’t willing to invest more time in a dead end relationship. So I ended up walking away. Yes I know I shouldn’t have put all my eggs in one basket, but I really liked the guy and thought we had a genuine connection…he thought otherwise. Oh well….NEXT!!!

Reply November 8, 2014, 3:07 pm

Jennifer

I met this wonderful man almost two months ago and things seem to be great. I really like him and I told him I liked him and he said he likes me too. He’s a very busy guy so I only get to see him a couple times a week. We agreed in the beginning that we’re FWB. The problem is we never go out to do things together due to his busy lifestyle and so we stay in all the time and just mostly have sex all the time. Its great, don’t get me wrong but how do I know if I’m wasting my time or not? He reassures me we’re still good as is and he agreed he wanted to continue seeing me. I’m confused because I don’t know what we are or what this even is if we’re not doing much else together? We have future plans of attending planned get togethers which leads me to believe he’s planning on being with me… I’ve heard all this before from other men but I know this one is different and has a kind heart and he treats me very well. I feel a title can be important so we know that things could go somewhere but sitting as is makes me feel like it might not go somewhere. He says he’s not seeing other women and I’m not seeing other men either but I am keeping my options open to meeting other men and that’s it. I don’t want to scare him away if I bring this up again about being exclusive. He knows I’m a one man girl so there for knows I’m probably not going anywhere but how do I know for certain what his intentions are? Do I ask or do I just keep going with the flow and let things happen and let nature take its course?

Reply July 13, 2014, 3:32 pm

Kat

It’s strange how he can find the time out of his busy schedule to stay in and have sex though. Don’t put this guy on a pedestal, don’t be afraid of being yourself with him and don’t be afraid of him. You obviously want to spend more time doing other activities with him, that is natural and normal and he is the stupid one who is missing out as you seem like a nice girl.

Reply July 14, 2014, 7:59 am

Jennifer

The thing is…. He is a father with a lot of responsibilities. He doesn’t get upset and doesn’t even phase him if I don’t put out. He says he doesn’t care cuz he just wants to see me regardless and we can cuddle with a movie instead. He works nights too so by the time he gets here he’s just wanting to chill out. I feel like it can progress into more and he’s just slower than some to getting to that point. He’s open and honest with me… I have no reason not to trust or believe his words as I haven’t found him to lie. The way he looks at me makes me feel that there is a connection. Its been slowly turning into opening up and sharing feelings and personal stuff. I don’t mind seeing him 1-4 times a week as my previous relationships ended up being in fights all the time from being around each other too much. He’s recently been through some tough stuff and he’s come back around. I don’t know if I should ask him again what exactly this is between us. I honestly want to know where I stand with him but I don’t want to make the mistake of it sounding like I want an instant relationship with him cuz it just doesn’t work that way. He’s a very understanding person and after we had sex I asked if we were exclusive and he suggested calling it fwb cuz being exclusive means a relationship and he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea if we don’t work out cuz we hadn’t known each other that long and he felt it might be too much pressure on both of us due to our past with other relationships. He says we can do whatever so the next time he’s here I’m saying we’re going out and make him go. We have been out for dinner twice and that’s it. I’m always lost with this guy cuz he’s so different, in a good way, from all the other men I’ve date. He’s one of the first guys in a long time to actually respect me. I dunno. There’s so much to this that I can’t put on this post to get the proper advice I think I need.
Thanks for your reply ????

Reply July 14, 2014, 10:38 am

Jennifer

The thing is…. He is a father with a lot of responsibilities. He doesn’t get upset and doesn’t even phase him if I don’t put out. He says he doesn’t care cuz he just wants to see me regardless and we can cuddle with a movie instead. He works nights too so by the time he gets here he’s just wanting to chill out. I feel like it can progress into more and he’s just slower than some to getting to that point. He’s open and honest with me… I have no reason not to trust or believe his words as I haven’t found him to lie. The way he looks at me makes me feel that there is a connection. Its been slowly turning into opening up and sharing feelings and personal stuff. I don’t mind seeing him 1-4 times a week as my previous relationships ended up being in fights all the time from being around each other too much. He’s recently been through some tough stuff and he’s come back around. I don’t know if I should ask him again what exactly this is between us. I honestly want to know where I stand with him but I don’t want to make the mistake of it sounding like I want an instant relationship with him cuz it just doesn’t work that way. He’s a very understanding person and after we had sex I asked if we were exclusive and he suggested calling it fwb cuz being exclusive means a relationship and he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea if we don’t work out cuz we hadn’t known each other that long and he felt it might be too much pressure on both of us due to our past with other relationships. He says we can do whatever so the next time he’s here I’m saying we’re going out and make him go. We have been out for dinner twice and that’s it. I’m always lost with this guy cuz he’s so different, in a good way, from all the other men I’ve dated. He’s one of the first guys in a long time to actually respect me. I dunno. There’s so much to this that I can’t put on this post to get the proper advice I think I need.
Thanks for your reply :)

Reply July 14, 2014, 10:46 am

Kat

I don’t buy all this stuff about leaving him to chase you, making him want you by ignoring him and showing him that you have a great life without him, seeing other men and then he will come running back to claim you from these other men – men like this need to grow up, after all, what happens when they once again pursue you and get you again – yes they bounce away again because the thrill of the chase is over again, and off they go and play the same game with the other women they were probably also seeing at the same time too. I am now 50 years old and divorced, and I have had boyfriends who genuinely wanted to be with me, I didn’t have to play the trophy games with them. I have also had a couple of these commitment phobic player types of ‘boyfriend’ who while excitingly desirable, eventually caused me much confusion and heartache. So I would disagree with your recommended tactics to try and bag yourself one of these jokers, because they are never satisfied and are always looking round the corner in case ‘something better’ is there – then guess what – they see another corner that tempts them yonder in case there is ‘something even better’ around that one! As for enjoying it for what it is – in a one sided ‘love’ such as that you are just setting yourself up for destruction. Don’t give these players what they want – because once they get it, they get bored and go off to play again. I agree with enriching your life and dating other men, but don’t do it with the sole objective of capturing your player’s heart because he will always be number one, not only to you, but to himself also, and you will never know what number you are in his agenda.

Reply June 21, 2014, 6:12 pm

Kat

PS: When I say ‘date other men’, I don’t mean become a player yourself, I mean date in the old fashioned sense, and don’t string them along if you don’t hit it off, until you find that mutual wanting to be together – this as opposed to yo-yo-ing someone until someone better comes along.

Reply June 21, 2014, 6:14 pm

Sweety5

I know your post was 2 years ago, but you described my situation perfectly with the players, and how they play the games. I am 47, and just got played after 9 months of seeing someone, who I thought was literally my best friend. I helped him through a tough time in his life. Not financially, but by being there when he needed to talk, vent, or just spend time with someone, and once their situation got resolved, they ditched me 2 weeks later. The devastation is still hitting me. I never saw it coming, ever. He promised nothing would change once his situation was fixed. We were seeing each other as a fwb, but had a strict agreement due to both of us having health issues, that neither one of us would be intimate with anyone else, and if that was going to happen, then we would tell the other one first. We held to that for 9 months. We also talked many times about staying friends once it was over. He did me very dirty in the end. He not only ended the fwb and replaced me immediately, but he ended our friendship, and that tore my heart out. I am going through a terrible time in my life right now, and he dropped me when I needed him most, and he even said he knows this is a hard time for me, and that he’s sorry about the timing, but he felt it needed to be done. Are you kidding? When I needed a friend the most, you leave. Yeah, I know the type. I saw run, if you run into someone who is like this. It can only end in pain.

Reply January 22, 2016, 1:05 pm

cristina

Ive been in this situation for 6 yrs, i met this man after i divorced, at first it was friendship, then became sexual. At time he had a girlfriend, yes i was the side thing, and for me it was fine for the first year or two, then he broke up with his gf and moved in with me which in my eyes it became more than benefits i took it as a relationship, well he ended up having a baby with another side thing,i accepted it because it happened before he moved in with me, the year after he told me he got another girl pregnant but she aborted, that hurt badly so i kicked him out n told him i was done, 3 wks later he called,talked sweet and i took him back but this time he didnt move in with me, so then we were friends w/ benefits again. Last year the same situation happend he moved in and the same girl who aborted is pregnant, i told him to leave n just leave me the hell alone for good i was done with all his games, n hes still here. i know he still has something with the last baby momma, i know he still with the new baby momma, but he lives with me, he doesnt help me, we hardly have sex, he comes and goes when he wants, i know im stupid to believe that he will ever change and pick me. Ive made it too easy for him, now we hardly talk we walk around the house like strangers, i been the biggest b to him, ive made him feel like hes just a like a burden, unwanted, yet he is still here. I want a relationship, kids, a man to call my own, when i tell him that he responds with you already have another man, or im cheating on him yet he doesnt want to commit to me? Wat is wrong with this man y doesnt he want me to have those things yet he cant give them to me? Why doest he let me go, ive given him the freedom of having his own place so he can be who and what he wants, without the nagging and accusations of things hes doing.help me pkease.

Reply June 14, 2014, 10:35 am

alia

You are kidding me, right? What is wrong with him? What is wrong with you??? I am asking. DO NOT SEE THIS GUY OR RETURN HIS CALLS! He is a complete loser. Cut him off!!!!!!!

Reply January 14, 2015, 4:34 pm

joan

i was introduced to this guy by a girl friend i havent known for long on the first day we went for coffee me,my friend and the guy and then after a short while my girl friend left and she left us together with the guy it was raining and so we went and took some wine together it got late and i was tipsy so the guy took me to his house we slept but dint have sex the following day i was in a hurry to go home and so he called a taxi to take me home he escorted me but he didnt ask for my number is it because he dint like me or what could be the problem i liked the guy alot but what do i do?i asked for his number from my friend but she told me to wait he looks for me she told me to be patient what should i do?

Reply March 17, 2014, 10:22 am

Ken

Is dint really a word ? ? ?

Or is that new English like new math was . . .

Reply April 22, 2014, 8:04 pm

Mary

I need to seek some serious advise. This is regarding a long lost love …. that I have finally reconnected with. Where do I pose my concern or questions for guidance? Thank you

Reply March 13, 2014, 6:24 pm

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