Ask a Guy: How to Turn a Friends-With-Benefits Into Something More post image

Ask a Guy: How to Turn a Friends-With-Benefits Into Something More


I met this guy through some friends and started liking him. He liked the girl that introduced us and she also liked him. One night we were hanging out and  he and I almost hooked up. He told her so they are no longer friends due to her lack of trust in him, but now several months later he and I have been getting together almost every night. I finally told him that I like him and wanted it to be more and his response was reasonably better than I hoped for and he said he “kinda likes” me. I told him that I didn’t want to be just a “booty call” and he said he’s not like that, but he won’t make it more.

Now he won’t talk to me– no calls, texts, facebook messages, or emails.  How do I get him to make it more than just “friends-with-benefits” or even go back to being just friends?

The issue is that you want more than friends with benefits, but you already act like a girlfriend. It would be like if Best Buy was selling TVs for $100 but then the cashier said to you: “But we want you to pay more…”

It’s tricky because at this point, you’ve already set your price. And to change it would come across as manipulative. The way out of this would be to simply treat the relationship as it actually is now instead of acting as if it’s more.

You are single. He is not your boyfriend. And he’s comfortable in this arrangement, so there’s no reason for him to choose anything different.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you to be happy. But there is no reason he would do anything different than he has been doing since what he’s been doing so far has worked well.

Guys are very content with a relationships being what it is. If he’s enjoying himself and it’s working, there’s no need to have it turn into something else.

So how do you act in this situation? Enjoy your time together, but keep looking. Keep your options open. Look to your life to fill you up, make you happy, and make you fulfilled.

We’ve all seen it a thousand times… but when we’re in the situation ourselves, somehow we forget what it looks like from the outside. The simple fact is this: asking or pressuring someone into moving the relationship forward does not work.

MORE: When a Guy Won’t Call You His Girlfriend

But being a limited edition prize to be won certainly does.

That is to say… if a man knows that he could lose you to another man who fights harder to have you, then he will bring his A-game to lock you down and have you as his.

And if he doesn’t, it is a crystal clear communication that he didn’t want a relationship with you in the first place.

If you want a relationship, don’t come to him with your hands out wanting. Show up in the relationship as happy and completely fulfilled already. And live your life as an available item on the dating market until a man locks you down.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

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Jennifer

I met this wonderful man almost two months ago and things seem to be great. I really like him and I told him I liked him and he said he likes me too. He’s a very busy guy so I only get to see him a couple times a week. We agreed in the beginning that we’re FWB. The problem is we never go out to do things together due to his busy lifestyle and so we stay in all the time and just mostly have sex all the time. Its great, don’t get me wrong but how do I know if I’m wasting my time or not? He reassures me we’re still good as is and he agreed he wanted to continue seeing me. I’m confused because I don’t know what we are or what this even is if we’re not doing much else together? We have future plans of attending planned get togethers which leads me to believe he’s planning on being with me… I’ve heard all this before from other men but I know this one is different and has a kind heart and he treats me very well. I feel a title can be important so we know that things could go somewhere but sitting as is makes me feel like it might not go somewhere. He says he’s not seeing other women and I’m not seeing other men either but I am keeping my options open to meeting other men and that’s it. I don’t want to scare him away if I bring this up again about being exclusive. He knows I’m a one man girl so there for knows I’m probably not going anywhere but how do I know for certain what his intentions are? Do I ask or do I just keep going with the flow and let things happen and let nature take its course?

Reply July 13, 2014, 3:32 pm

Kat

It’s strange how he can find the time out of his busy schedule to stay in and have sex though. Don’t put this guy on a pedestal, don’t be afraid of being yourself with him and don’t be afraid of him. You obviously want to spend more time doing other activities with him, that is natural and normal and he is the stupid one who is missing out as you seem like a nice girl.

Reply July 14, 2014, 7:59 am

Jennifer

The thing is…. He is a father with a lot of responsibilities. He doesn’t get upset and doesn’t even phase him if I don’t put out. He says he doesn’t care cuz he just wants to see me regardless and we can cuddle with a movie instead. He works nights too so by the time he gets here he’s just wanting to chill out. I feel like it can progress into more and he’s just slower than some to getting to that point. He’s open and honest with me… I have no reason not to trust or believe his words as I haven’t found him to lie. The way he looks at me makes me feel that there is a connection. Its been slowly turning into opening up and sharing feelings and personal stuff. I don’t mind seeing him 1-4 times a week as my previous relationships ended up being in fights all the time from being around each other too much. He’s recently been through some tough stuff and he’s come back around. I don’t know if I should ask him again what exactly this is between us. I honestly want to know where I stand with him but I don’t want to make the mistake of it sounding like I want an instant relationship with him cuz it just doesn’t work that way. He’s a very understanding person and after we had sex I asked if we were exclusive and he suggested calling it fwb cuz being exclusive means a relationship and he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea if we don’t work out cuz we hadn’t known each other that long and he felt it might be too much pressure on both of us due to our past with other relationships. He says we can do whatever so the next time he’s here I’m saying we’re going out and make him go. We have been out for dinner twice and that’s it. I’m always lost with this guy cuz he’s so different, in a good way, from all the other men I’ve date. He’s one of the first guys in a long time to actually respect me. I dunno. There’s so much to this that I can’t put on this post to get the proper advice I think I need.
Thanks for your reply ????

Reply July 14, 2014, 10:38 am

Jennifer

The thing is…. He is a father with a lot of responsibilities. He doesn’t get upset and doesn’t even phase him if I don’t put out. He says he doesn’t care cuz he just wants to see me regardless and we can cuddle with a movie instead. He works nights too so by the time he gets here he’s just wanting to chill out. I feel like it can progress into more and he’s just slower than some to getting to that point. He’s open and honest with me… I have no reason not to trust or believe his words as I haven’t found him to lie. The way he looks at me makes me feel that there is a connection. Its been slowly turning into opening up and sharing feelings and personal stuff. I don’t mind seeing him 1-4 times a week as my previous relationships ended up being in fights all the time from being around each other too much. He’s recently been through some tough stuff and he’s come back around. I don’t know if I should ask him again what exactly this is between us. I honestly want to know where I stand with him but I don’t want to make the mistake of it sounding like I want an instant relationship with him cuz it just doesn’t work that way. He’s a very understanding person and after we had sex I asked if we were exclusive and he suggested calling it fwb cuz being exclusive means a relationship and he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea if we don’t work out cuz we hadn’t known each other that long and he felt it might be too much pressure on both of us due to our past with other relationships. He says we can do whatever so the next time he’s here I’m saying we’re going out and make him go. We have been out for dinner twice and that’s it. I’m always lost with this guy cuz he’s so different, in a good way, from all the other men I’ve dated. He’s one of the first guys in a long time to actually respect me. I dunno. There’s so much to this that I can’t put on this post to get the proper advice I think I need.
Thanks for your reply :)

Reply July 14, 2014, 10:46 am

Kat

I don’t buy all this stuff about leaving him to chase you, making him want you by ignoring him and showing him that you have a great life without him, seeing other men and then he will come running back to claim you from these other men – men like this need to grow up, after all, what happens when they once again pursue you and get you again – yes they bounce away again because the thrill of the chase is over again, and off they go and play the same game with the other women they were probably also seeing at the same time too. I am now 50 years old and divorced, and I have had boyfriends who genuinely wanted to be with me, I didn’t have to play the trophy games with them. I have also had a couple of these commitment phobic player types of ‘boyfriend’ who while excitingly desirable, eventually caused me much confusion and heartache. So I would disagree with your recommended tactics to try and bag yourself one of these jokers, because they are never satisfied and are always looking round the corner in case ‘something better’ is there – then guess what – they see another corner that tempts them yonder in case there is ‘something even better’ around that one! As for enjoying it for what it is – in a one sided ‘love’ such as that you are just setting yourself up for destruction. Don’t give these players what they want – because once they get it, they get bored and go off to play again. I agree with enriching your life and dating other men, but don’t do it with the sole objective of capturing your player’s heart because he will always be number one, not only to you, but to himself also, and you will never know what number you are in his agenda.

Reply June 21, 2014, 6:12 pm

Kat

PS: When I say ‘date other men’, I don’t mean become a player yourself, I mean date in the old fashioned sense, and don’t string them along if you don’t hit it off, until you find that mutual wanting to be together – this as opposed to yo-yo-ing someone until someone better comes along.

Reply June 21, 2014, 6:14 pm

cristina

Ive been in this situation for 6 yrs, i met this man after i divorced, at first it was friendship, then became sexual. At time he had a girlfriend, yes i was the side thing, and for me it was fine for the first year or two, then he broke up with his gf and moved in with me which in my eyes it became more than benefits i took it as a relationship, well he ended up having a baby with another side thing,i accepted it because it happened before he moved in with me, the year after he told me he got another girl pregnant but she aborted, that hurt badly so i kicked him out n told him i was done, 3 wks later he called,talked sweet and i took him back but this time he didnt move in with me, so then we were friends w/ benefits again. Last year the same situation happend he moved in and the same girl who aborted is pregnant, i told him to leave n just leave me the hell alone for good i was done with all his games, n hes still here. i know he still has something with the last baby momma, i know he still with the new baby momma, but he lives with me, he doesnt help me, we hardly have sex, he comes and goes when he wants, i know im stupid to believe that he will ever change and pick me. Ive made it too easy for him, now we hardly talk we walk around the house like strangers, i been the biggest b to him, ive made him feel like hes just a like a burden, unwanted, yet he is still here. I want a relationship, kids, a man to call my own, when i tell him that he responds with you already have another man, or im cheating on him yet he doesnt want to commit to me? Wat is wrong with this man y doesnt he want me to have those things yet he cant give them to me? Why doest he let me go, ive given him the freedom of having his own place so he can be who and what he wants, without the nagging and accusations of things hes doing.help me pkease.

Reply June 14, 2014, 10:35 am

joan

i was introduced to this guy by a girl friend i havent known for long on the first day we went for coffee me,my friend and the guy and then after a short while my girl friend left and she left us together with the guy it was raining and so we went and took some wine together it got late and i was tipsy so the guy took me to his house we slept but dint have sex the following day i was in a hurry to go home and so he called a taxi to take me home he escorted me but he didnt ask for my number is it because he dint like me or what could be the problem i liked the guy alot but what do i do?i asked for his number from my friend but she told me to wait he looks for me she told me to be patient what should i do?

Reply March 17, 2014, 10:22 am

Ken

Is dint really a word ? ? ?

Or is that new English like new math was . . .

Reply April 22, 2014, 8:04 pm

Mary

I need to seek some serious advise. This is regarding a long lost love …. that I have finally reconnected with. Where do I pose my concern or questions for guidance? Thank you

Reply March 13, 2014, 6:24 pm

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