I have been dating this guy for roughly 8 months. Things started out amazing, getting to know each other turned into mutual interest and before long he asked me to be his girlfriend. He even dropped the ‘I Love You’ bomb on me, which was fine because the feeling was mutual. I never invested myself in a relationship 100% before him, but he managed to get me mentally, emotionally, and physically. With all that being said, I understand that a woman should not put too much out there or be too available in the beginning. I did that and lived by that in the past … Hell, I got him by doing that.
Lately, however, I’ve found myself living around him, being super available and maybe even a little needy. I’ve also noticed a change in the way he is around me. He seems to slowly be losing interest. He makes time for me, but I don’t feel like it’s enough and things just feel different.
My question: When you are in a relationship with someone, how do you ensure that he wont lose interest? He says he loves me and wants to have a future but sometimes I feel like his actions aren’t matching his words. Am I reading too much into this? What’s going on?
The solution: Put 100% into your life and your relationship. When you come in “full,” your happiness will spill over into the relationship and he will want more of it and give more to it.
Part of giving 100% to your relationship is giving 100% to your life in general.
Sometimes a woman gets into a relationship and she completely lets her life go. She no longer hangs out with her friends, she no longer engages in her hobbies, she stops pursuing her own interests.
Her entire life is basically her just spending time with her boyfriend or doing what she has to do (e.g. her job, college classes, etc.)
The problem slowly creeps up that he (the boyfriend) is now the entire source of satisfaction in her whole life.
And the girl can make the mistake of thinking that this means she’s giving 100% to the relationship because she’s constantly with him.
But this isn’t giving 100% – this is taking 100%.
The woman in this case is looking to her boyfriend to “fill her up” versus looking to her own self and her own life to “fill her up.” In that way, she comes into the relationship every day empty handed, looking to get full on the relationship.
Not a problem when he’s already full and happy to give. But after a while, this constantly taking can run the relationship’s emotional bank account dry… And that’s the point where the guy feels like he needs to add things to his own life so he can fill himself up.
Now, maybe your example isn’t that extreme, but do you see where I’m going with this?
You need your life to fill you up completely. You need your life and your own self to make yourself completely happy and satisfied – and then allow that to spill over into your relationship…
A lot of people reverse this – they think the relationship should fill them up so that they go into life feeling fuller. This does happen, but it can only happen when both people (for the most part) are coming into the relationship full to begin with.
Hope it helps,
eric charles
Kristina Marchant October 28, 2012 at 10:31 pm
She said it all with this line: “With all that being said, I understand that a woman should not put too much out there or be too available in the beginning. I did that and lived by that in the past … Hell, I got him by doing that.”
She isn’t being needy. She is growing close to him and since she played games with him in the beginning and made herself seem more emotionally unavailable than she really is (hard to get is a game that will backfire), she landed herself an emotionally unavailable man.
An emotionally healthy man will SPEAK UP! He will express his feelings and needs and he will be like a pair of elastic pants– he will give her room to be needy sometimes in the relationship because we all know that relationships go through gives and takes…
Don’t waste yourself on a man who pulls back so much. You aren’t being needy, you’re just feeling his need to emotionally distance himself and that is making you scared. You are clawing for some sense of security!
Talk with him “I feel scared and needy and I don’t want to feel this way. Are we okay?” If he gives you the runaround and isn’t honest, or goes cold, get a man who can be with you. If he reassures you, then you will feel less insecure.
Mithu Rahman October 30, 2012 at 6:03 pm
I think there are a few assumptions being made here. Firstly, playing hard to get does not make her emotionally unavailable. Everyone craves what they can’t have, it’s an instinct hardwired into our brains at even a young age. It’s what enables us to strive for something that is perceived to be out of reach. Does that mean she’s ‘emotionally unavailable’? She sounds like she was very passionate about the relationship. Probably still is. If she feels she is being needy about him, she probably is. And it will manifest in her actions. He will pick up on that. It won’t be an attractive feature for him either, he may even mistake it for jealousy, and that’s never good.
‘He makes time for me, but I don’t feel like it’s enough and things just feel different’.
Is that a change that she has brought about or he? We don’t know what he feels, and he may have his own issues. Suppose he came out of a previous relationship where he was passionate about the girl, didn’t tell her he loved her, they broke up, and now he feels under pressure to bring this up early in future relationships . Now maybe he’s getting nervous about the commitment. We don’t know.
However, it would negate the theory that he’s emotionally unavailable if he says ‘I love you’ first. He’s already expressed his emotions! More likely, that huge rush of emotion she felt when that happened can never be recreated, no matter how hard she tries. And try she does. But as her confidence in herself ebbs away, so do other features that made her attractive to him in the first place
Kristina Marchant April 2, 2013 at 3:31 am
Firstly, I didn’t say she was emotionally unavailable; I said she made herself “seem more emotionally unavailable than she really is” by playing a game where she hid her true feelings. Playing hard to get makes your true emotions unavailable, and anyone who understands mature love knows that dating and courtship isn’t about making yourself unavailable to make him want you. It’s about finding someone who is compatible with you. Yes, you shouldn’t chase a man, but you shouldn’t play games either. Just be yourself and let him come to you. If you feel love in your heart, tell him. If you like spending time with him, tell him. Don’t pursue him but don’t be hard to get.
Secondly, a lot of women ignore needy feelings, not realizing that sometimes that feeling is a sign of a man who is emotionally unavailable. Neediness is an insecurities and that can sometimes come from your past or it can come directly from the man’s actions. Too many women carry all the weight of a breakup– “I was too needy. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t what he needed.” Forget it. Forget him and be happy he showed his true self now. You ARE enough for someone!
And this man is emotionally unavailable to her. Whether it’s a previous relationship, an issue with her flaws, whatever… he didn’t make himself emotionally available to her to work things out- he left.
A man who is mature and commitment-friendly isn’t going to run away. He is going to stay there, talking about what’s up with him, call her out on her behavior or express his needs. An emotionally available man DOES NOT just run away without several attempts to communicate his reasons to leave or his needs. Even if he isn’t interested anymore, he is going to be very clear about that and she won’t be left with questions.
And as far as him not being emotionally unavailable because he says “I love you”– a lot of emotionally unavailable men actually come on very strong in the beginning. They feel all sorts of butterflies and fantasy-love feelings but those feelings aren’t real love, they are just feelings of new desire. There is an amazing book called Men Who Can’t Love: How To Spot A Commitment Phobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart and in the book it warns women of how seemingly emotionally available commitment phobic men can appear in the beginning of a courtship, but once they get closer to you emotionally and intimacy begins to build, they run. So, just because a man says I love you or I have never been in love like this before, etc. doesn’t mean he’s emotionally available. In fact, if he says those things too soon, he’s probably a love addict.
And I just want to say one more thing here, because women have been carrying this “i need to have confidence 100% of the time or men will dump me thing” around too long. A good man will not dump you because you are feeling less than confident for a stage in your relationship with him. If he likes you and is capable of a real relationship, he will not leave because you start acting needy for a bit. A good man might leave a woman if he isn’t feeling the relationship, but her neediness isn’t going to be the main reason. Unless the neediness is extreme, like some crazy drama, he’s going to talk to her about it. He’s going to communicate. If he’s a “limited” man he will run at first sign of neediness. Ask ANY married and emotionally available man you know and he will absolutely agree.
Mithu Rahman October 26, 2012 at 8:07 am
What you may be confusing, Michelle, is the term ‘mysterious’ with ‘impenetrable’ – the latter would suggest an inability to communicate either intent or emotion, which would lead to loss of intimacy.
Being mysterious, on the other hand, has enormous power, as it implies there are layers that need to be uncovered slowly. A man who can be mysterious will reveal these layers over a long-term relationship as a ‘reward’ for the woman’s investment in the relationship. Same is true vice versa.
What is a shame for this woman is that she may have been influenced by past relationships, not just with men, but with friends/family, that she only gets validation by being ‘super available’. But it won’t work in attracting a high-value man
Michelle October 25, 2012 at 8:00 am
I am not sure whether I agree with Mithu’s idea that a woman or even a man for that matter, needs to be a mystery. But absolutely agree with the usage of intriguing. We achieve this , I believe anyways, by having our own identity and life that we then share with others. Not just with our lovers and husbands, but with our friends and family. I found Eric’s comments about this in terms of percentage’s to be very enlightened way to look at the situation. Thank-you Eric.
Kristina Marchant October 28, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Agree! No one should be a mystery. No one should vomit their whole life story at a person either, but intimacy is built through trust. You have to reassure a person through being open and honest. Vulnerability creates love, mystery creates infatuation and that dies quick.
Sharing the secrets of your world with another person is a blessing. Your thoughts, words and behavior should be in accordance. If not, then you are hiding something and that can lead to distrust in the relationship.
katie October 23, 2012 at 11:46 pm
It’s all about balance. I’ve been guilty many times in the past of tipping the scales in the man’s favor and realizing after that, had I kept the same balance of all the aspects of my life, that I could have kept many great relationships flourishing (as least for much longer than they did)! Thanks Eric! As always, you are so insightful and honest!
Niki October 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm
This is true. I can co -relate it because even i have done this same mistake which i realised it when he broke up with me. Love is not the only thing for a relationship to work , though it plays a major role but other factors are also needed for a stable relation.
Mithu Rahman October 23, 2012 at 7:12 pm
The key word she used is ‘needy’. It has to be the ultimate turn-off for both men and women. No-one wants a needy person around. They require, even beg for, as much as your time as you can spare.
She’s given her own answer in her question has she not? Things start off with her being intriguing, then she turns into Miss ‘super available’ – if there’s no mystery left for him, what’s he hanging about with her for? Maybe she thinks he’ll change as well. He won’t.
A woman needs to maintain a part of her life that’s always intriguing, it keeps relationships alive. Bottom line, he needs room to be able to give to the relationship as well. Her instincts are dead right, he’s going to walk, and probably soon.