I met a guy two weeks ago and we instantly hit it off. We talked on the phone and texted regularly and went out on a few amazing dates. Everything seemed to be going well but then he had to go out of the country for a business trip.
I didn’t expect to hear from him while he was away, but he’s been back for three days now and I haven’t heard a peep!
If he wasn’t interested why not just tell me instead of pulling a vanishing act? This isn’t the first time I dated a guy and things were going great and then he fell off the face of the earth and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I am a confident, non-needy woman, I didn’t place any expectations or demands on this newest guy.
I just don’t understand, what happened, what changed? How could he go from being so interested in me to gone? And do you think it’s worth it for me to send him a friendly text to see how he responds?
Okay, three things before I dive into this:
– Stop assuming he was so into you
– Stop assuming that he’s not interested in you now
– Stop thinking you have any idea what he feels because you don’t, and you won’t… if you accept that, you’ll be in a better spot
What you need to realize is what you do doesn’t matter, what matters is where your head is at. It really doesn’t matter if you text him or not. As with most relationship problems, you have to get to the heart of the matter and look at the underlying issues within yourself that are leading you to this unhealthy place.
For one, you need to stop plotting and “strategizing” ways to control something that will never ever ever be in your control. What you’re doing now, the worrying and the stressing, has no positive benefit, none. It just drains your energy and will likely create problems for no reason.
Maybe something happened on his trip that caused him to change his mind about you. Or maybe nothing happened and you’ll hear from him later today. It’s not in your control and it never was.
People in good relationships don’t treat their relationships like some sort of chess game. The reason they’re in good relationships is because they don’t do that.
Most women mess themselves up because they look at the guy’s behavior in a specific instance and freak out about it. This causes them to give off a bad vibe and that bad vibe spreads to him and derails the relationship.
The way to go is have the attitude of “I’m having fun, we’ll see where this goes” and take it as it comes.
You can get on the same page later on in the relationship, but first you need something stable and consistent. When you don’t know how he feels about you, that’s exactly the best time not to care. When you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how he feels about you… then care all you want.
You are exactly where you are. Worrying or wondering or caring about whether or not you’re on the same page doesn’t help… it’s only going to lead you to a bad place so if it’s your habit to “care,” you need to break that habit
Instead of investing time into the worrying, invest time into focusing on how destructive the care is.
A lot of women have this mentality that leads them to a place where they walk on eggshells and they mistakenly think that figuring out a man’s exact intentions will give them a sense of stability. It won’t.
Instead, I think a useful exercise for you would be to start journaling when your brain starts to set on fire with worries. Take it from me, my mind is brutal when I’m upset or worried about stuff, and journaling helps me.
Also, focus specifically on what thoughts, ideas, and perspectives lead you to feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or worried about things falling apart or changing. Journal about what leads you to this pattern of worrying and landing in disappointment… trace the thoughts back to their root.
A question to ask yourself when your having the negative thoughts is: what is the lack or loss I’m afraid will happen here? (and if another fear of losing comes up from their, ask the same question to that)
You (and most women who come to me with their relationship questions) want someone to hand you a key… and that just will never happen, it doesn’t work like that. Actively journaling and tracing back the thoughts is that “key.”
When you don’t identify the root of your thoughts and allow yourself to engage with them, they just cycle and spiral upwards. When you journal in real time as its happening, you dissolve them and they won’t gain power. Instead of landing you in a bad place, you’ll get clarity and insight. And more importantly, it will turn a potentially bad vibe into an attractive vibe
The problem is your mind has you convinced that your emotional detective line of thinking has a pay-off, as if you could possibly know what’s going on in his head/world. You can’t…it’s really that simple.
You can’t understand and “read” things that aren’t possible. You can’t read minds. You can’t make non-compatible compatible. You can’t make a guy who doesn’t want a relationship want one. You can’t really “do” anything. If you’re seeing a guy and then he begins to fade away or vanish, you need to realize there was nothing more you could have done.
You have to look at relationships like this: