Ask a Guy: What Do His Excuses Really Mean? post image

Ask a Guy: What Do His Excuses Really Mean?

I’ve been friends with this guy for nearly two years now and I’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months. For the majority of that time he was in a relationship that had been going on for a while, but about three months ago he ended it. A while later, we had a talk about our feelings for each other and he said that he wanted a relationship with me but that he needed a little time to get over what was quite a messy break-up (especially since his ex spread a few not-so-nice rumors about me and him following it).

After the talk we got a lot closer and it felt like we were really going somewhere. However, that all changed when we went on holiday with a group of friends recently and it felt like he started to pull away big time. He acted extremely distant towards me for the whole week and he’s been very flirty with a friend of mine who is actually in a relationship and trying to help me get to the bottom of all this.  Everyone on the trip expected something to happen between us whilst away and I don’t know if this freaked him out or something, but since then we haven’t been the same together. And now he’s saying that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone until the next Uni year, which isn’t until September. He’s also said that I’m free to do as I wish with any other guys since he doesn’t think it’s fair for me to have to ‘stick to any rules’.

The problem I’m having is understanding where he’s coming from. Is he relationship-shy because of his messy break-up? Did things get too real for him on the trip? Or, are all of these excuses his way of telling me that, when it comes down to it, he doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship with me?

First, I will give this to you straight right off the top:  His excuses are intended to make you abandon the thought of getting into a relationship with him.

Nobody and I mean nobody has any idea when they’re going to be “ready” for a relationship – so when he says he’ll be ready next year, it has about as much basis in reality as the land of Narnia.

The majority of men have no desire to get into a relationship with a woman when they know that they “got her where they want her” anyway.  You said it yourself:  You’ve been completely hung up on him for about eleven months.

Call it whatever you want, but when a guy has a woman in this position he does not want to date her.  He’d have nothing to gain from it – he knows he has you either way and all putting a title on things would do for him is limit his freedom.

Guys don’t get into relationships because they like relationships.  We do it because we feel that if we don’t, we’ll lose our chance with a girl who makes other girls pale by comparison.

If you’re completely hung up on him then you’re hurting your chances of him seeing you as a candidate to date.  There’s no challenge to it – he knows he can have you however he wants you and that you’ll still probably want him even if he pursues other girls (ones that he’s not sure whether or not he’s capable of getting).

I feel that I am being too blunt in my response to you and it’s not my goal or desire to hurt your feelings.  But if I sugarcoat this it’s not going to be helpful to you – I would rather help you so that you get the most out of your dating/relationship life and not continue down a path that isn’t serving you.

Here’s the best thing you can do: Move on.

Fill your life with things you find fun.  Spend time having fun with friends.  Fill yourself with LOVE and CONFIDENCE for yourself and everything about you.  And, most importantly, open yourself up to new guys and new options.

Two things will happen:  Great new options and possibilities will come to you.  Sure, you may say at this moment that you don’t want new options (you want HIM), but I promise you that you’ll be thankful you took my advice when you see what could be in store for you.

And… if you truly 100% commit to moving on and filling your life with fun, confidence and openness, he will inevitably come around.  First, he’ll show some interest – just enough bait to see if he can get you back where you were before.  All caught up on him.  But if you continue down the path of moving on, he’ll freak out and he’ll put his best effort forth to have you.

Now his best effort might not be good enough for you, but it will be his best.  If it is, great, you got him and you know how to live your life in a way that attracts him (don’t stop once you have him, that’s a mistake).  But more importantly, if his best isn’t good enough, you’ll be happy in your life, you’ll have options and you’ll know for certain that he isn’t what you wanted.

Either way you win:  You’ll be happy and you’ll have him try his best.

Nobody has space to come to you if you are waiting for them on their doorstep – metaphorically speaking.  Give him some space to come to you, even chase you.  Then you’ll know if there’s truly relationship potential and you won’t be chasing him as he hits on your friends and pursues other women.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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I’m really confused, I was seeing a guy off and on for a year but I finally ended it because he was afraid to be vulnerable and open up about his feelings and life in general. He knew it bothered me and expressed that he’s trying but of course in my perspective, it didn’t seem like it. It seemed like we weren’t going anywhere emotionally. However, he’d take me out on dates, we’d have fun and he’d tell me how much he likes and cared for me but something always seemed to be missing. I am an individual who like to express her feelings as well as hear other people’s feelings which is also a way I get closer to people; he was not comfortable with that, so I always doubted him and if he truly cared. I told him i wanted to end things. He didn’t reach out to me until a month later and has been reaching out consistently ever since. It’s been 5 months since I ended things. He recently reached out and said that he understands why I ended things and when I gave up on him, he felt like he lost something major. He also noted that he isn’t just saying that to get back with me but he wants to at least be my friend again. I still care about him even though he has messed up in other situations in the past but I’m not sure what to do. Help please!

Reply May 31, 2017, 9:31 pm


So my boyfriend recently broke up with me after 11 months of being together because he needs some time to be alone & just be single! He continues to text me and wants to hang out with me. Before the breakup we never had arguments, maybe little ones, I gave him his space & friend time, we’d always see each other, always talked, went on dates… literally just super happy! The best relationship we’ve both had! So when he broke up me with me I was confused! Never did he talk about wanting to be single, and by that he doesn’t want to talk to other girls or anything, he said this time he’s taking is for him to be alone! He’s not going to be with anyone because if he was then he’d be with me. So I’m just confused as to what’s going on & what I should do? I love him so much & he loves me, he hasn’t let go of me or moved on! We’re still the same but he just wants to be single! What does that even mean

Reply March 1, 2017, 9:57 am

Sally anne

I’ve been with my bf for 7 months. We’re both adults with a 10 year age gap. We are happy but when it comes to the bedroom it’s a different story!! We haven’t had sex in over a month!! He keeps forgetting the condoms!!! I won’t let him near me without them. He doesn’t seem to care and I’m starting to deam of having sex with other guys (which I won’t ever do!! I would never cheat… why does he keep forgetting and not made it a proity after all this time??

Reply January 21, 2017, 2:58 pm


There’s this guy I like and he really likes me, so he says. We work together and he’s kind of my boss. So i guess my question is he tells me he really likes me alot but feels he doesn’t have the energy to put into being a bf because he doesn’t wanna completely lose himself and that his life is really chaotic and doesnt wanna mess anything between us up before it even starts , also he acts like he doesn’t care when I can clearly see he does, i even see him get a little jealous. What can it be, does he actually like me or should I just move on? please help

Reply November 28, 2016, 5:29 am


So I’m dating a guy. We both have a child. I thought he understood what it meant to be a parent but he doesn’t his child on a full time basis as myself. So he knOws my daily schedule with my child so he calls and says he was going to stop by he gets its almost 9pm. He gets the biggest attitude and says ahhh the drive we only live 20 minutes apart please help me on this one

Reply June 20, 2016, 11:08 pm


Well I’m back with my ex. And he’s been working on things and so have I and things are going great but I’ve noticed it’s a routine that he has someone he attaches to until I have to intervene and break it up. Once was a woman who was 30 some years old and has a daughter who he considered a MILFthat we worked with at Boscov’s and he constantly played words with friends with her and messaged her even though it was never going to happen he couldn’t let her go until she told him it was never going to happen and until I butted in. Then within that same year there was a girl that he and I worked with named Chelsea and she wasnt the slightest bit attractive but she had big boobs and they always text each other and work together and he just couldn’t stop texting her or trying to hang out until I butted in and made them both stop texting each other and now that he works at massage envy he is friends with this girl named Kelly who smokes pot and lives in her own place and who he goes over to around 10 o’clock at night after they both get off work and exchange massages with and smoke. I brought up how uncomfortable it makes me feel and how I wish he would stop doing that and he says he does not care that he’s not doing anything wrong. I just don’t feel comfortable with it she seems like she’s very free going and by the looks of her I feel as if she is a slut but I could be wrong I’ve talk to her and she says nothing has ever happened and she’s not attracted to him at all but they text each other here and there so I still question. Especially after how he cheated on me with 10 women from craigslist casual encounters. But we gave it a break and he wanted me back and I said I would if he changed and he’s been doing a good job it’s just he can’t let go of this freaking Kelly chick and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know if I should just let it go or what his problem is when attaching himself to another female but he can’tjust attach himself to me but he could whenever I wasn’t his. Again he treats me like a princess and does absolutely anything for me.. But I just can’t wrap my head around it all.

Reply May 23, 2016, 8:40 pm


Thank you! This advice is just what I needed to hear in my current situation.

Reply January 5, 2016, 12:28 am


I just have to say. I am exactly in this position and this is the best advice/response I’ve ever heard. It makes sense to me and I think I’ll take your advice. I need to move on. If girly up there doesn’t take the advice, at least she’s aware that she’s being treated like second best to every other girl. Everybody needs to live and learn. I know I have. Thanks. :-)

Reply December 3, 2015, 2:31 pm


Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost a month and just suddenly he asked for space. I was hurt but I gave it to him. Thankfully after the space he came back and it felt normal and right. However, the next day he wanted to hang out and he pretty much broke up with me because he doesn’t want a relationship but still loves me. How can he love me but not want to be in a relationship. And why did his feelings change so fast? I asked him all sorts of questions and he mostly answers I don’t know. IS he just confused right now because its almost a month or is he scared? We love each other a lot and I don’t want to give up on him just yet. What should I do? He still communicates with me but not with the I love you’s but he said yesterday that he loves me but is afraid that the feeling is gonna go away. I asked then don’t be afraid and come back and he said idk.

Reply June 3, 2015, 7:37 pm


I must be a man then since in my relationship its the other way around and I cant find any websites to help me. I keep making excuses not to see my boyfriend and i’ve already started to loose interest in him. Its almost been 3 months but i started to loose attraction for him a week after we got together. During the school holidays i was more into him again but then when school came back I noticed i’ve been really distant with him. I don’t know what to do because he’s a great guy but i’m just not feeling it anymore. I really wanted it to work out but i’ve noticed i can never be bothered responding to his texts anymore or catching up with him. This happens with every guy and its really annoying! I just get bored in relationships so quick. I’m 17 and this is my longest relationship even though i’ve dated a few guys. Is this weird for a girl? Does anyone have any advice on how I can make this work because i don’t want to break up with him…he’s so nice and i’ve already dumped him once before when we dated a few years ago so i couldn’t do it to him again. Please help i feel like a horrible person!

Reply May 21, 2015, 7:59 am


Oh i left out he has done voo doo on me n he knows when i am being touch or touching myself so i pinch myself to get back at him this is so crazy he has peep thru my windows took my belt off my truck i had to get my truck towed home is he crazy ? Is this Normal is he insucure ? I try to talk to him n he says we are in a relationship. we cried together when i tried to break it off n i told him he just want sympathy but why is he not here for me? I think i should do the cameras?

Reply March 1, 2015, 11:22 pm


I am so tired of my bf stalking me he says we are in a relationship but he is never around i have broke up with him more than a few times n if he thinks there is another guy around he will flatten my tires or move things around my house n pranks my phone why wont he just give up is he mentally unstable what is it with him ? We have a child together n he will not take responsibility for i gave him a way to move on is it the sex . I stop sleeping with him. And last time he was here a few weeks ago. I asked him if i need something can i call him he was quiet. Im trying not to put up a camera n prosecute him am i being toonice. He has prior evictions i dont want to add to it but nothing is getting thru his head . Now i dont date but i am planning n it soon i want to date. Again. Please be honest n ur response . I write him letters to communicate he also knows when i am not home . I quit answer n the prank calls.

Reply March 1, 2015, 11:04 pm


So i met this guy we become friends and then he got very serious wanting me his girlfriend in order to get married in the future,
So i told him it needs time and i will give it a chance ,
So he said he understands and ofcourse it needs time ,he was very caring flirting and very nice in general to me , and always telling me that you dont care you should give more attention to the relationship ,
i tried to show that i care and gave him my number and took care of him,
Anyway he suddenly vanished and start being like he cares asks what are you doing and things ,but not opening the message !! Then he dont reply at all for two days
Can anyone help me what to do? Where did it went wrong?

Reply February 23, 2015, 9:47 am


what does mean when you been dateing a man for 2 yr he said he want me to be happy i told my guy friend say that then he say that some reason he never said i love you to should i end it and move on please help me

Reply November 30, 2014, 12:31 am


What is he really meaning when he says He’s not looking for a relationship at the moment, he needs to work on himself

Reply October 27, 2014, 10:20 am


It means just what he said! He’s not looking for a relationship. Move on.

Reply February 9, 2015, 5:17 pm


what does it mean when a guys says im sure youre a great catch

Reply October 9, 2014, 5:43 pm


Hi, I’ve been with a businessman and my problem is that most of the time when we’re planning something he’s calling it off in the very last moment. The worst part is that there’s always a good reason behind, e.g a new contract must prepared so he can’t show up for a dinner party, a flight from a business trip has been delayed and he can’t join me on our holiday, he cancels the reservation because his parents called him that somebody at home is sick so he must be available on Skype. After the last time while he has made a fool of me I’ve made it clear that I’m stepping back. He’s a sweet guy but it looks like he’s got more time for his own company and clients than for me. The annoying part is that he’s feeding my hopes with empty words about getting married, travelling, catching up with friends, etc. Is there any way how to make him think that he is hurting my feelings and losing my trust every single time? I’ve learnt that guys rarely listen to words and that actions speaks to them louder.

Thanks in advance for Your help.

Reply August 16, 2014, 5:42 am

Caitlyn Passmore

I’m kinda going through the same thing with my boyfriend of a year. We broke up in May. The break-up was very hard on me. We are back together now and at first he was very convincing about how much he missed me and how unhappy his life was without me. On our first date we talked and I ended up blubbering my eyes out because I realized the depression of his first betrayl is still haunting me. That night he confessed that he loved me and he wanted to try to fix our relationship. On the other hand he also said he didn’t want a relationship but he didn’t want someone else to have me and we had broke up because I was too smothering and needy. I’ve accepted that and tried my hardest to back off, he has denied two more dates I have suggested since . I don’t freak when he text back later. I did get irritated that he hasn’t been returning my calls but can manage to text me and I called him out on it. Probably not a good idea but I couldn’t keep it held in. I also told him in an effort to try to smooth my mistake we could both take a two week break. Not a breakup; we are still very much dating just not communicating until our two weeks are up.

Reply July 13, 2014, 7:22 pm


Like he said,” Here’s the best thing you can do: Move on.”

This guy is just keeping you on a string as a “fallback girl”. He is disrespecting you when he doesn’t answer you. He just didn’t want you finding someone else, but not because he “really, really” wants you. He wants you to be one of the harem and stay in his back pocket for a rainy day.
Move on from him. Have no contact, and keep yourself busy with your friends or join a gym and find someone who is worthy of you.

Reply July 29, 2014, 10:28 am


my now ex-bf had change of heart and dumped me in middle of NM. but he lied to me about 20 things . fakes a panic attack. then just abandons me . he has some of my things it been about 3 weeks since we broke up and still won’t give me my things back. had police involved and everything and still nothing has happened. also been attacked people who don’t know me or what happened. he put the whole blame on me told lies to people telling them i am not who i was etc.

Reply March 21, 2014, 10:33 am


Ive been dating this guy for 11 months now and we had the perfect relationship in the begininng like every relationship, a few months down the road i got down on myself and got depressed he stuck around but i pushed him away, i started to talk to an old freind from high school it was nothing bad but the guy called me boo but he has always called everyone that. we talked about each others relationships and so forth, my boyfriend went through my phone one night and read that he said he missed me and we need to catch up cause its been about 2 years. and my boyfriend FLIPPED! he said i was going to cheat on him ect. and i had a close friend i went to basic training and school with and he made me stop talking to all my guy friends and cant trust me anymore, a few months after i caught him talking to a girl that wasnt appropriate and he said he was just being a wing man for his best friend so he could hook up with the girls best friend but they all live in georgia and we live in texas this was al suppose to happen when we went down to georgia for thanksgiving he was going to hangout with them and while his best friend hooked up with the other girl my boyfriend was going to sit and just “hangout” with the girl he was talking to.. and he refused to stop talking to her. so i just let it go. and he finally told her he didnt want to talk to her anymore, after thankgiving we had another situation and he was talking to this girl he had been friends with forever about him going home alone next time and then playing beer pong and whoever wins they have to kiss and he said he set me up cause he knew i would go through his phone, then the truth finally came out and he said he just wanted to know if she liked him over the years. and a few weeks ago we broke up because he was talking to one of my friends that had moved about her coming down and her staying with him and he told her all what he wanted to do to her and sent her pictures well when i found out he told me i set him up and it was all my fault and then we seperated for a week and he came back but i found out on his emails and stuff he was sending pictures to women and they were sending them back and he had dating websites and i made one to and he said if i delete all mine he would delete all his, well he still hasnt deleted his and is very protective of his phone even more now… and idk what to do.. i love him and its hard to let him go. and he doesnt want me going home with him on his 21st birthday so he can be with just his friends when there are going to be girls but the one person that “means the most” to him he doesnt want there

Reply January 2, 2013, 3:11 pm


Ive been in a serious relationship with a guy for six years, all in love talking about marriage. Says he loves me more than anything etc
I got pregnant, lived with him for awhile then moved out cause my mom pressured me too and it broke his heart. He started seeing some other girl, said he fell into a hoes trap and cheated on me. He broke it off with her and we got back together the night our daughter was born 6 months later were so happy and were sitting in his car and he says in order for us to be a stronger family he wants to put everything out on the table that we did. So I tell him some stuff then the big secret comes out that he wasnt the first guy I had sex with. It was befor him and I even talked but he had a hunch about it for years and I begged I was so sorry I was just so scared to tell. Now he won’t talk to me, says he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t want to be with me and I don’t know what to do

Reply September 12, 2012, 6:29 pm


How could he not know u were not a virgin for him, that is plain stupid if a guy does not know that, but besides u should not lie about those things that is being manipulative, u mean to say u faked your virginity with him? that is why he wont ever trust u, you both are wrong he is an idiot too have cheated on u too thats not love, trouble is that u got pregnant for the guy an at least u told him the truth after because he asked an u told him the truth so why is he being an ass now to not talk to u, forget that idiot yes, lots of women growing up their kids single handed now let him pay child support he is so stupid i hope eric replies to this too

Reply March 25, 2013, 11:46 am


Dear, remember that YOU DESERVE A PHONE CALL. Get your own way and ENJOY YOUR OWN LIFE. Maybe, he isn’t that into you or maybe he has gone into his cave to refresh himself for a serious love and even commitment, who knows. wait and see, but don’t forget if a man really loves you, no one can’t stop him to get you, let alone to make a phone call. YOU DESERVE THE BEST, THIS IS LOVE.

Reply March 23, 2012, 7:13 am


I’ve been seeing a guy for a month now, it is very sexual. I do believe it isn’t just the sex that he is after, though. A couple weeks ago he told me that he has a problem with prescription pills, and that he thinks he needs treatment. I’m not sure how to be supportive of him without belittling him. Eric, you talk in another post about being there for him and supportive, I’m not sure how to do that. I’m trying to let him open up when he wants to, rather than questioning him. Should I just step back, and give him space until he gets back on his feet? Last he told me, he’s a “wreck”. It sounds like he’s pretty low, and I don’t know what I can do to bring him up.

Reply October 16, 2011, 5:02 pm


What does it mean if a guy says he want’s to be “friends first?” But at the same time, notes that he thinks you’re awesome and does like talking to you. What does “friends first” even really mean?! Does he have somebody else he’s more interested in? Is it just because he has a busy career?

Reply August 1, 2011, 2:19 pm


Eric, I must say, it is just refreshing to hear a straight-forward answer… I don’t know how many times I got upset, but I made an effort not to let it get to me; the funny thing is, I actually feel myself getting needy. Any advice on how to quell the urge to pester and nag? lol
Also, (this may be slightly off-topic/a different blog post) what happens if the guy you like is also on the same work/school environment?
Here’s my situation: we’re both in grad school, but different programs but its a small campus, we share the same library & dormitory. But, since its grad school, there are business/professional contacts that we make on campus. One day, I was speaking with a prof contact (after being blown off by him the previous night) and he interrupts, and apologizes (though he didn’t seem to really care), and my contact is walking away so I run to catch up with her. When I do, she refers to people in his program as self-involved. I sorta just make an excuse for him and try to get back on topic.
Later, I ran into him again and explain what had happened (and I really tried not to be angry, but I was really steamed) He emailed me some apology before summer break…. but now what? I haven’t written him back and I have been acting like the “sure-thing” this entire time…. Iguess what I’m asking is is this going anywhere?

Reply June 7, 2011, 8:17 pm

girlie one

your answer makes it sound like people should never be in a relationship unless its to get something. I thought relationships were about wanting to be with someone, someone you can’t be without you say its about a guy being in a relationship to gain something… and its all about freedom..

Reply May 11, 2011, 12:12 pm


As nice as that would be. Reality hurts. If you find a really good partner. That’s what it’s like… Mutual compassion and building the other person up. Most people think just the way he responded. They have something to gain… Or they think they can do better. It’s a hurtful fact but it’s something not widely known, unless you learn it the hard way. Experiencing it. :-/

Reply December 3, 2015, 4:30 pm

Eric Charles

@Aroxy – Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. I have to strike a balance when I’m answering the questions because I want what I write to be helpful to women, but sometimes that means being blunt and delivering bad news. Tough love.

Reply May 4, 2011, 3:25 pm



Reply May 4, 2011, 1:06 pm


I love that you are so blunt in your answers. Personally, it’s exactly what I need. I need to hear the truth from a guy who is willing to be completely blunt and honest, because most other guys (friends, co-workers, and such) will not for fear of hurting my feelings or making me angry. It’s refreshing to find someone who is wiling to tell women what they should know, rather than what they want to hear. Thank you and keep up the good work!

Reply May 4, 2011, 12:25 pm


Take Eric’s advice. I was in similar situation 18 months ago with somone who had only recently split from a long term partner who i worked with! Initially fab, it quickly became awful and hard tho it was, i did go my own way. Had fun dating, nights on my own enjoying my own company and bored my friends initially talking about him all the time but i got on with it..whatever gets you thro. I learnt a lot. He kept in touch on and off and then after almost a year and dating lots of others he came back. He had to work hard, i was dating two guys, each suited me in a different way but i really i wanted the ‘whole package’. And i got it…eventually. It’s worth working at and it’s worth waiting for and most of all it’s worth remembering that you need to be happy with yourself first before you even stand a chance of real happiness with someone else. Sorry to preach but i really do know where you are coming from. Good luck with getting on with your life.

Reply May 3, 2011, 9:00 am


Hi Eric,

I agree with your view point on the human psychology, yes, people will always want the things that they cannot have.

And I am convinced as long as you play your card right, you will probably be able to string along this guy for as long as you like.

My question is, then what next?

I mean for any matured relationship, there bound to be a point where you start to show your weakness but also to open up to each other. What happens then to this guy? Would he run away again because the cat has got his milk? or there is a possibility of something meaningful would be developed between you and him?

I think for majority of the women out there, they are looking for a loving partner who would support and love each other, rather than treating the dating as a game of scoring how long you can string along a guy in a relationship by not showing your commitment to the other person?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts on that.


Reply May 3, 2011, 7:41 am


Again, great advice!

If she follows your advice, she’ll find she’s the one that will get to choose from a better selection of candidates. Join a cool martial arts class or something that you find interesting. Pretty soon she’ll be glad she didn’t stick around for what’s his name. ;)

Reply April 26, 2011, 8:01 pm

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