I’ve been involved with this guy for about 3 and a half months now. We aren’t official but we have sex and we have had a very deep emotional connection pretty much from the start.
I previously had a thing with his best friend many months before I met my current guy. His best friend has a girlfriend now and I have no lingering feelings for him but what happened happened.
The guy I’m with won’t tell any of his friends that we are involved and he won’t tell his best friend either. He’ll even lie if his friends ask him about us when we are together. Is this a thing of him being ashamed, embarrassed, or up to no good?
So you’ve been seeing this guy for 3 and a half months. You have sex and have a deep connection and bond. And yet, he pretends not to have any romantic connection whatsoever with you in public and he lies to his friends about you guys when asked directly.
Yes, he’s either ashamed, embarrassed or he’s dating other women.
My bet is it has to do with him being embarrassed about dating you after your history with his friend. He might be afraid that his friends would make fun of him for having relations with a girl his best friend dated, or he might be afraid of upsetting his best friend (even though the friend has moved on).
I kind of doubt that he’s seeing other women since it’s likely one of his friends would have mentioned one of his other girls by now, especially if his friends don’t know that you have anything with each other.
When a guy is really proud of the relationship he’s in, he’ll usually want his friends to know he’s going out with you. For him to hide your relationship the way he is, it makes me think that he enjoys the sex and the intimacy, but has some issue about having a boyfriend-girlfriend type relationship with you.
At this point, you’ve already gone along with the whole “pretending that you’re not hooking up” thing. So the question now is if you are actually OK with it not being a relationship or if you are going along with it in hopes it will turn into a relationship.
If you’re happy with everything as it is, then you have nothing to worry about – things will remain as they are unless he meets a girl that he wants to pursue for a relationship. If you’re not happy with this arrangement, then you should figure out what his issue is in regards to keeping the “relationship” a secret and find out if it’s something he’s ready to change now.
If he is, great, you can pursue having a relationship. If he’s not, you should make a judgment call on whether or not you want to continue down this path.
Personally, I think people get too caught up on whether or not they’re in a full-fledged relationship. There’s a huge spectrum of relationships between booty call dating and exclusive boyfriend-girlfriend dating. So I don’t want to impart any value judgment on what kind of relationship you might want at this moment.
However, I will say that what you have now is what I call “back pocket” dating. Back pocket dating is where a guy or girl is dating someone that they have no commitment to, but enjoy all the benefits of a relationship until something better comes along. Essentially, they are single to the rest of the world, but they have you in their back pocket and they can enjoy all of the benefits of being in a relationship without any commitment.
The tough part about being in someone’s back pocket is that once they find someone they actually do want to date, you’re going to be sent packing.
All in all, I would say your best bet is to figure out if he can get over whatever his issue is (if you want a relationship with him) and if he can’t, either continue with the understanding that it’s not a committed relationship or break it off immediately and start dating other people.
Hope it helps,