Ask a Guy: He Dumped Me But I Want Him Back post image

Ask a Guy: He Dumped Me But I Want Him Back


My boyfriend dumped me and says that he wants to stay single forever and wants to give up everything we had together. He said it’s his choice and told me not to bring it up again. I asked if we could still be good friends and he said yes. I asked him if he still loved me but he went offline.

I don’t know what to do because I really want him back. Is there a way to get him to give it a second chance? I have really strong feelings for him and just wish we could start over and make it work.

When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, he means it. Ironically, your best move is to move on.

“But I want him back!!!” you cry.

I know. But all that’s going to do is make you want to chase him and in response, will cause him to run faster and further away. If you instead turn your attentions to your own life, you’ll be far better off.

Right now you feel like your missing a part of yourself. You feel incomplete. You feel emotionally ripped apart. It’s time to rebuild. Any man, whether it’s your ex or a new guy, wants to be with a woman who is confident, happy and fulfilled in her own life as it is.

At the moment, I don’t feel like you possess any of those three things.

You need to build a firm foundation for yourself – you need to become a better, stronger, more fulfilled version of yourself.

Before you can have a relationship with him or anyone else, you need to:

a) Love yourself
b) Love your life
c) Feel completely full and content within your own life, with or without a relationship with a man

Once you are truly at that point, you are ready to be in a relationship. You’ll be happy and feel “whole”.

Moreover, when a guy leaves you and you go chasing after him, he knows that he can have you when he wants you. He knows that if he tries to pursue some new girl and failsl, he can have you back in a heartbeat.

Meanwhile, you’re an emotional wreck who will eagerly take him back because instead of getting yourself together, you think that having him will restore your happiness and fulfillment with life. Not only is this not the case, but it also completely undermines your ability to be happy in the meantime.

The solution: Once you have a solid foundation (you love your life, love yourself and feel completely fulfilled), you would do best to start meeting and dating new men.

One of two things will happen. Either your ex will swoop in and do everything he can to win you back… or… he won’t and you will end up with a new guy whose a better match for you. Either way it’s a win-win.

I would highly encourage you to take that route. I can guarantee that if you go chasing your ex, you will not only chase him away, but you will land yourself more deeply into emotional despair.

I know this is tough. We’ve all been there – heartbreak is part of the game of love.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

{ 27 comments… add one }

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LeAnn

Question…I have felt very strong chemistry with a coworker for over 3 years now. Company policy states you can’t date within the company and we are both play it by the rules people, plus he is a VP. We were on a business trip; one of our coworkers paid the extra money and was in first class but the VP and I were sitting together in the next to last row of the plane (each row had just 2 seats) he was in the aisle seat. Before we took off I said we lucked out its not a full flight, there were 4 empty rows around us.. I thought he would move to have his own row to himself but he didn’t. It was a late flight so it was dark, I took a chance and cuddled up to him. He allowed me to but didn’t really respond. He let me cuddle the entire flight, more than just resting my head on his shoulder. Before we parted he said he had a great trip with me. I’m wondering of its possible that he is into me? He is shy but of he is in to me I would be happy to discuss this with him and be willing to look for another job. Please tell me your thoughts.

Reply October 23, 2014, 12:06 pm

GussGreat

Dated ex for 7 yrs we were buying home together
and I left suddenly w/o contact until 6yrs later!
I was the one that reconnected and he was thrilled, he
has since had a move in girlfriend & A child w/ her.
He wanted to meet and “really connect sexually” i did just once
3 mo after reconnect.It was wonderful because I had not been
w/ anyone else In the 6 yrs we were apart! He has txt me everyday since
Say he don’t sleep w/his live in or want her there & the
Only thing is they’re just roommates to raise the child.
I finally told him I would like to start fresh and adore
That he has a child, he say never know what could happen
And I suggested still meeting and he said thats a great start,
It is weird going back to my to the house and seeing all my things
Still in the same place they were when I left 6yrs ago! I think I’ve
Been honest w/my intentions and so has he, but I really would
Like to hear form a mans point of view on this please.

Reply September 30, 2014, 12:43 pm

delyth

Is getting ur ex back same as getting a guy u was dating for three months . Has anyone had success in getting a guy u was dating back after he ended it . Please need your help x

Reply August 21, 2014, 11:48 am

cnagirl

Eric ..
my issue goes like this I’ve been going out
with this guy..off n on for about two years
he’s been a taker..everytime. I go out I
hafe to pay for everything.. I spent 3000
on him n also about 3 weeks ago he
wanted to go to the casino I told him
just 200 that’s all I can do he took
1200 ..ive been giving getting nothing
in return n when I mean nothing I mean
nothing…..plesse help

Reply August 17, 2014, 6:49 pm

D

Is this seriously? Look, leave this guy immediatly. A man is not supposed to be a taker, not from females anyway. A guy should be able to provide for himself, not to be taking it from a woman. This has weak and coward spelled all over it. I wouldnt even want my girl to have spent 3000 dollars on me, I want it to be the other way around, or 50/50 at the least. And sorry? He asks you for money for the casino? Well okay, we all want a little fun every now and then, you promised him 200 dollars which is fine (Even though a man should know not to gamble with money he doesnt have) and he took 1200!? I mean, not only is this guy lacking any realism and knowledge of how to manage his funds, he even cheated you out of a 1000 dollars. Now what if he won? Would he give you your 1200 back? Probably not.

Girl, I am a dude myself, and I know we can be pretty hard to live with sometimes, but this doesn’t sound like a guy at all. This sounds like a douchebag. A spineless, leeching creature without any self-respect. Not to be rude or anything or hurt your feelings, but ditch this a-hole. He’s not worth your love and attention. You should be out living your life like you want and maybe end up with a man worthy of the title. Again: A man doesn’t take from a woman what a man is supposed to be aquiring by his very nature. Is it wrong for a woman to pay for a man? Not at all, but the scales should be balanced, and no true man would want the scales tipping over in his favor on this issue (as in, knowing deep down that your girl spent more on you then vice versa)

Dump this leech, and if this spineless blob of jelly ever get’s mad at you for telling it the way it is, tell him D. said hi, and let him email me for some advice on proper manity. Peace, and I hope you find what you deserve.

Reply September 2, 2014, 8:43 am

aaa

I need help.
i and my bf broke up 2 days ago d reason as far as I know is my dad wanted me to go along with his friends son in his car to clg but I and my bf had planned earlier that I will stay in my clg hostel itself.I already spoke to my dad that I want to stay in hostel only I said this to my bf and hez lyk u go with ur dads friend son in car nly u do as u lyk take ur own decisions and I don’t want u anymore .I am not interested to b in this relationship and all.basically v love each other very much but I seriously don’t understand what the problem is .hez neither texting me nor calling me. nd not even gibing response to mine either. I’m really troubled .I read an article which suggested me not to call him back until he does and love myself.to male him feel jealous it also said move closer to some guy in front of himi can’t do it either cz my bf family shifted to guntur last month .I don’t know what to do plz I need help

Reply July 4, 2014, 6:58 am

T Moving On

There is a break up after a 10 year relationship and 2 year engagement. The ex says he moved on but…wants to be friends and have ties. Doesn’t want to be enemies? Will miss me? Still calling me babe? What is he really saying?

Reply May 8, 2014, 9:51 pm

Michelle

This article is the best article I’ve read in a long time. I really wish I could share it on facebook, send it to my email, heck, even make it the backdrop of my computer as a reminder!

Reply July 23, 2013, 10:41 am

Jesse

Ok so I’m confused about something. You say that if you chase a guy after you break up it will make him want to run. My ex broke up with me claiming he doesn’t deserve me-He lost his job, doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life, says he doesn’t want a relationship, but that I’m the greatest girl he’s ever known. We had a couple weeks of no contact then we became FWB (he contacted me). I suggested it thinking it was just going to be sex, but he snuggles. He wants me to spend the night. He gives me tender kisses on the head/back. He holds my hand while watching tv or in bed. He keeps in physical contact with me all night when I spend the night. So I’ve had a couple moments where I was a big drunk and became emotional. I expressed to him that I loved him. He did say it back, but then claimed he couldn’t see being in a relationship. Or I’ve texted him trying to get him to explain why he doesn’t have feelings for me but he’ll snuggle, etc. He has never run away. He always asks me over again-and the last time it wasn’t for sex. It was just for snuggling, watching tv, and spending the night. Why have I not made him run away then?

Reply May 26, 2013, 12:04 am

Vic

My ex said the same thing, only I begged for a few weeks and did nothing but piss him off even more. Now he will occasionally talk to me like we’re ‘pals,’ and after all of the single talk he now has another girlfriend. One who seems, interestingly, a lot like me. He’s been seeing her since about a month after we broke up. I know better than to interfere.. I’m already the ‘crazy ex.’ I haven’t seen him since the day before he dumped me, over the phone in the middle of an argument, CLASSY. And he’s uninterested in changing that. Letting it be for now.. the lines of communication are still open but I will not initiate. Besides, he’s turned into quite the drunk, and a cocky one at that. Not sure what happened, but I hope I.run into the new him eventually so I can see just how immature and unattractive he really is to me. But until then, my mind is just going to convince itself that he is Adonis and I ‘need’ him. Yuck. End rant! :)

Reply February 15, 2013, 12:27 am

AJ

Hello, I need help I feel worthless, unattractive, unwanted. I was dumped 2 weeks ago. I was in a one sided relationship, I gave and gave, he took and took. I foolishly thought that if I showed love and respect I would get it in return. When I tried to communicate my concerns to him, it always got routed to I was being negative, difficult hard to get along with. My response to him was Oh when I speak up for myself I am being negative,and hard to get along with. I told him take the mindgames somewhere else, and the truth was I was not needy enough. His past relationships have been with women with children already, different fathers, rough situations. I guess I was too boring for him. Help, because I know I am not perfect, I feel used, abused, and thrown away for being to strong. He ssem to take pleasure in hurting me. because he tried the manipulative bull, oh I want talk to you are see you for awhile, if you keep that up. Thats when I ask for a kiss or a hug. a real psychopath, is what I think help. I want my confidence back. I want to know how to love again. Please respond, I am hurting here on this christmas day, eyes filled with tears and a broken heart.

Reply December 25, 2012, 11:52 am

T

Hi,

My boyfriend of 8 months decided two weeks ago he was moving out. We had been living together for 2 1/2 months. He had been kicked out and needed a place to live so we moved in way to fast. We had decided that even though he was moving out we would stay in a relationship. Then one week ago, he got mad at me because I was following his friends on instagram and he made the comment that I was stalking him and he couldn’t get away.
He made himself single on facebook and that is how I realized we were broken up. We text a few times but I mainly have been ignoring him. This last weekend I hung out with many different friends and had a good weekend. Last night he contacted me to come over and watch movies. I broke and went over. We had a nice night but he kept bringing up on of my particular male friends. Making it sound like I had been on dates all weekend. I denied it, but said I had been hanging out with friends, and not only that he broke up with me. Later, he was in a bad mood. I still love him and did try to cuddle and kiss him. He pushed me away. I ended up staying over, (we didn’t do anything, in fact he was in a bad mood)
and in the morning he was even more moody. I tried again to be in a good mood n joke around and try to kiss n cuddle with him. He was not interested.

I am so confused. Why did he invite me over? Was this just a power trip to see if I would actually stop over? I failed to mention that he is going thru massive depression, he is unemployed, he can’t see his kids, his car got smashed up. So I think alot of his issues have to do with that.
(I also saw that he has been contacting another girl on instagram asking her to go shoot photos with him etc., I did mention that and he was all annoyed saying well I went to dinner and drinks with this other guy)

I still love him, and support him. I feel that I have now ruined any chance of getting back together with him.

Do you have any advice?

Thanks,
T

Reply October 30, 2012, 2:03 pm

lola

I need advice my boyfriend of 2 and half years just broke up with me out of nowhere I went back to uni for a month before he decided he doesn’t want to be with me anymore its such a shock because it came out of now where. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and that he doesn’t feel anything for me and that he’s not happy. He’s been working really long hours and says that work has changed him that its made him tougher ( whatever that means). We are great together and he’s done this before to me when we both went back to university and he decided he didn’t want to be with me then but begged me back after, its a long distance relationship. I don’t understand him he says he just wants to be friends and see how it goes its weird because he’s been taking me out for dinner he spent 60 pounds for one meal . Is it because he’s unhappy in work and is believing he’s unhappy in his relationship some one please help me I’m heartbroken.

Reply October 30, 2012, 12:41 pm

jaydise

I’m seeking advice, My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years he dumped me 3 months ago, while broken up we seen each other a couple of times he even spend my birthday with me, his choice. The break up was because he found a picture of me and another guy. I took the picture with this guy whom is a football player and i thought it would be cool. I never told my boyfriend about it because i didnt think it was that serious. He got mad at me and i confessed that I not only took a picture but I did go out to eat with the football player. My boyfriend was hurt and then soon forgived me. Then things got sour when his buddies found out, he than broke it off for good, he said he needed space. I’m aware of my mistake and i been suffering since our break up I love him so much, and want him back. At the beging of the break up I did all the no no’s… I cryed and begged him. I noticed the more I cryed and begged the more he would tell me to move on. Its been a month and a half since with no contact. All of a sudden I get a texted from him asking how I;m doing etc… He asked can he come over my place where we lived together. I let him we finaly got to talk about what happen because we never did. I asked him could he see us getting back together in the future his respond was ” its possible” i didnt persue the conversation. We watched a movie and took a shower together like the old days, and only a shower. he’s been texing me everyday since than saying how r u? I kind of wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine and not reply like he did to be when i was hurting over the break up. Help me do u think there still hope? H even told me he has a friend he’s been talking to that crushed me. But he’s the one whose looking for me now. I want him back what should i do. he looks into my eyes and tells me he misses me and home. I’m confussed. help

Reply October 15, 2012, 7:20 pm

Jenny

I need some advice ! I feel rediculous posting on here…. I have dated the same guy on and off through college and seriously the past two years. Over the past year my father cheated on my mom an I had to be the one to tell her . Needles to say this lead to allot of family stress and pressure for more of a serious commitment for my boyfriend. We dot figt often but I wet through a very hard time emotionally and being able to trust men. After having a mental breakdown tellig my boyfriend how unhappy I was I ended our relationship in a poor fashion. He later informed me that he planned to propose on two months. This was the man I then and still want to marry. He now says that after I kicked him out and ended things the way I did he can never lie again like he did before …. But we have not gone more than three days without talking and tell eachother regularly we want to e together … He goes back and forth almost weekly on whether or not he wants to be with me after what happened and of he ever wants to be married …. Is this all just a sign, did i jut hurt him,or something I should try to work through ?

Reply July 20, 2012, 9:02 pm

Eder

U are good Erik, now I know where to start..thanx a lot!

Reply July 16, 2012, 5:51 pm

DEBORAH

Thanx eric wat a advise I only had few months with the guy nd 2months without seeing him,i tried by all means to solve our problm bt nothing seems to be fine,ystrdai he asked me to stop callng him,i never blieved dat I tryd n tryd he dropped da foun…so now am letting it go

Reply July 8, 2012, 2:13 am

keyah

thank you Eric :-) datz the best advice i have ever looked for after my breakup.Its been 6 months and he never tried to contact me. Better to forget him. You are so true if a guy doesn’t want a relationship he would never look back. Love you Eric :)

Reply June 29, 2012, 5:14 am

Eric Charles

Thanks.
.
Love you too… but I think we should start seeing other people. ;)

Reply June 29, 2012, 1:05 pm

keyah

Yea…:)

Reply June 30, 2012, 10:32 pm

keyah

now i can say dat *I am completely over him*.

Reply August 6, 2012, 6:58 am

A Broken Spirit

I would like to thank you for posting this. It is a shame I did not stumble upon your insight sooner. It has been one month since my fiancé left me. He wants to make a new life for himself; one that does not include me. The first week I was really strong. My friends were very proud I was handeling it so well. I finally cracked when I came home to find all his belongings gone. Since then I have resorted to excessive amounts of drinking and crying in his pillow. About a week ago I called and begged him to come home. I said I was sorry for taking him for granted and being disrespectful. I also told him a did a lot of reflectioning and I saw flaws in myself and our relationship. I told him I am fully committed to building our relationship into something new and better and becoming a better person myself. He then said that he wants nothing to do with me and he never really wanted to marry me. He told me he could never love me because he hates me and he would rather find love somewhere else. I have never experienced something so painful as this. What sends it over the edge is the pain is being administered by the one person I trusted and loved more then anyone. I Google searched “I want him back,” even after all this. I found this article and it was the first time I felt some type of hope. It is brutal and honest. It is exactly what I needed – the truth served straight. You have a gift and I would like to thank you for sharing it. 

Reply May 23, 2012, 8:28 pm

wreck

Thanks for the advice Eric! I wished I read this article earlier and wake up to what my ex told me. I met my ex and immediately we got swept into this emotional whirlwind relationship that both of us had never experienced before. We had this instant connection. Both are terribly sacred but he took the initiatives to lead us further into the relationship. Still I don’t think I completely overcame being scared and kept him at a distance, because verything was too perfect. Four months later, he said there were things he needed to figure out and learn more. He wasn’t happy and he can’t make me happy if he wasn’t happy, which was understandable. He told me to go date other people while he figured it out. I was upset and took that as a sign of him wanting to break up and broke off the relationship. A mistake, I’ve regretted ever since. Before this relationship, I’ve always thought of myself having all 3 criteria you mentioned. But the break up showed otherwise. I couldn’t let go of losing him and went into this dark pit for months and damaging our relationship further even after his confirmation and reconfirmation that he didn’t want a relationship now and is enjoying his single life to invest in himself. After reading your article, I realize I needed to work on myself as much as he said he needed to work on himself. I wish I could go back and do it differently. It’s now been 7 months and I’ve come to a full circle realizing what I need to work on and hopefully the next relationship or if he ever comes back to me, we wouldn’t be facing the same problems again. Thanks again for the the great advice!

Reply April 22, 2012, 8:38 pm

great advice

Thankyou again for some great advice… It has been hard to admit but I have finally realised I’m not ready to be in relationship. I have never been the sort of person who has needed another person but half the reason why nothing has worked out so far is because I have been scared and because I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship as I wasn’t happy with myself, or my life or felt full but now I’m working on that. Now every guy I met I tell them I want to have friendship. After another broken heart and broken spirit I can finally see the positives…an a part of me wishes I could of done things differently but another part is happy I finally woke up and saw what I needed to fix within myself so when the next guy comes along I’m happy either way and now i can become a better person or a better version of myself

Reply April 10, 2012, 4:24 am

Eric Charles

Awesome. Glad to hear my stuff helped.
.
And yes, bringing a better version of you to the equation is going to make your future relationships better. WE ourselves are the only factor we can change in how our relationships work – we can’t coerce or change the other person. So taking control over yourself and being the best you that you can be is key.
.
Good luck.

Reply April 10, 2012, 11:53 am

rachel

Hi Eric, I love your advice. I think you are very insightful and explain complicated issues in a very easy to understand and inspiring way.
A couple of years ago I dated a guy for 4 months and we broke up after he slept with a girl and lied to me about it. I became an emotion, desperate mess and the relationship ended. Then five months later he contacted me and said he missed me and he wanted to try it again, so we did but it was more like infrequent booty calls that stopped when he started seeming someone as a girlfriend. I hit rock bottom when I showed up at his house drunk asking him to make out with me on his porch as his GF was sleeping in his bed! After that I stopped contacting him completely. I joined a dating site and went out with a few guys I liked, but I was not in a healthy enough mindset to be dating and this weird desperation and neediness eventually came through with the internet guys I met.
I realized something needed to change so I arranged to work out of the country for a month. This really helped me get my life and my self-esteem back on track. During this time my ex broke up with his GF and emailed me saying, I know you are out of the country but I really want to see you again, blah blah blah, mainly sexual stuff. After ignoring a couple of these messages (and honestly not even thinking about him) I replied saying I want to see you too, mainly because we do have a great sex. I got back to the states and instead of the expected late night booty calls, he took me out on nice dates and then we’d have sex. I still kept my guard up and never felt obsessive or desperate at any point, just had fun in the moment and had zero expectations from him. Everything was going fine.
Then, this past week he said, “I’ve been thinking about you, I told my parents about you and I want more than this, I want to seriously work at a relationship…” I didn’t feel overjoyed to hear this because I still had reservations about being with him, but I said I would like to try to make it work because I do like hanging out with him and feel like he is a good guy over all, plus I feel like I am much less needy than a few months ago. Since then he has been calling me every day to talk on the phone for an hour (and I hate talking on the phone, ha).
Here (FINALLY) is where my question comes in! I had plans for dinner with my friend last night, and he said, “Give me a call after dinner and we can meet up.” In my mind this = plans. So I called and texted around 8:45 pm, with no response. It is now early the next morning and I am fixating on his lack of response which makes me worried I am down another path to neediness and desperation. Did he break a promise and do I have valid reasons to be upset? Or am I putting myself in a needy mindset that I need to get out of!!

Thank you very much for all of your advice; I would love to hear a podcast or radio show from you!

Reply March 9, 2012, 6:27 am

Fal

I have been dating this guy that i met on an online dating site for a month and a half now. He is sincerely wonderful. He has issues with being affectionate and is keeping me at arms length. We have not yet had sex but have been affectionate in other ways. He knows I like him and that I am not in it to play games and he says he likes me too “otherwise he wouldn’t waste his time” We both go to school full time and work full time so we see each other once a week and decided we want to take it slow. My issue is, how do i get him to loosen up a little bit? We still have not spent the night together. We have seen each other about 8 times. Ive gone to his house plenty of times, he came over once (as i have roommates and he lives alone). He has not yet taken me out and I am not sure what to think of the situation. I am also not one to beg or chase anybody. any good advice?

Reply March 6, 2012, 2:53 pm

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