Ask a Guy: Is My Boyfriend Getting Bored Of Me? post image

Ask a Guy: Is My Boyfriend Getting Bored Of Me?


I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I love him so much. I think our relationship is really great and he is everything that I could ever ask for. We have almost everything in common and I know he loves me too.

I’ve always known that he’s not the romantic type but in the beginning of the relationship, he always used to say sweet things at unexpected times to give me butterflies, he used to take me out to romantic dinners, etc.

I feel like he’s just not putting as much of an effort anymore into being romantic. I feel like he’s so comfortable with me (which I obviously like), but once in a while it would be nice to feel like he still is trying to reel me in.

 I’ve tried everything to keep our relationship exciting.  Do you think he’s getting bored?

From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like he’s getting bored with you or that anything is wrong or a warning sign. I think he just doesn’t know that it feels that way for you.

When I work with guys, I put it to them like this: There is no such thing as her “just knowing” how you feel or that it “should be obvious”. Truth be told, this isn’t a guy problem, it’s a human problem – it can be easy to assume that the other person knows how we feel… or should know.

So what ends up happening is the guy feels like it’s obvious that you know he loves you. I’ve heard guys say that… or that she should know already and that it would feel forced or fake if they said something that they felt was obvious.

In a weird way, to a guy it can sometimes feel more “real” when they don’t have to say anything.

I mean, think of the badass male leading roles in movies and TV shows. These are guys that just take action and they don’t have to say how they feel because it’s clear through their heroic pursuit and protection of her.

So on a subliminal level, the message is communicated to guys that the badass guy who gets all the chicks is the guy who doesn’t need to say anything. They also have gushing pussy-whipped characters that ooze with love and desperation, with communicates the message that weak, undesirable men are the ones that use words to express their interest and love.

On the other hand, it’s the movies made for women that feature dialogue-heavy leading men who may be greedy and selfish, but always eventually articulate their feelings for the woman. They exchange witty banter and express themselves through words and action.

So women see one set of images of “ideal men” and men see a different set.

Pretty much if you want bad role models for relationship, look no further than the media.

Beyond that, guys just don’t know how you feel. I’ve written this column for two and a half years and I will never claim that I know how women feel, and I also hold fast that women will never truly know what it feels like to be a man.

The best that we can do is to be as perceptive as we can be and do what we can to let the other person know how we feel. Sounds easy when I say it like that, but it takes constant vigilance to truly “see” other people and not project our own image of them over who they actually are.

Anyway, enough with the philosophy.

It sounds like you have a great relationship and that he probably would be happy to please you if he understood your experience and knew what you needed him to do.

So step 1 is realizing that it’s not that he’s doing anything wrong or intending to do anything wrong, he just doesn’t understand your experience yet. Being able to communicate with him will be easy if both you and him realize that you’re not trying to blame him or accuse him of wrongdoing.

Then step 2 is that you should let him know how things he used to say and do felt. You can just mention it offhand and phrase it in a way that says that you appreciate that side of him because most guys don’t have that ability but he does.

If you phrase it like he has a special talent or ability, he’ll want to express that side of himself with you. Guys want to be perceived as having abilities and skills. If he views communicating with you as a skill he can be proud of, he’ll want to do it more with you.

Again, most guys downplay this side of themselves or even are afraid to do it because they don’t want to come off as soft or weak.

If it’s really bothering you and you feel that he’s not getting the message, just tell him how you feel. It can help take the edge of the conversation if you say something like, “I know it sounds silly but…” or “I feel…”

How you feel is how you feel and the guy your with wants you to be happy. There’s nothing sexier than a happy woman.

Thing is, communication can get derailed if he feels like you’re blaming him or telling him that he should be doing something that he’s not. The art is in letting him know how you feel after you let him know that you’re not blaming or accusing him about something. Defenses always must be down first before any real communication can take place.

When you get down to it, relationships are as much about love as they are about enlightenment. I don’t mean that in some kind of religious or spiritual sense – I’m just saying that a large part of relationships is bringing your partner to a new place of acceptance and understanding of you, himself/herself and the world through what you share together.

If you look at any love story or romance, there is always an element of enlightenment running through it.

I was just about to publish this, but here are a few things that just about NO GUY will tell you, but I can tell you he’ll appreciate me saying it.

When we’re in a relationship, it can be easy to get comfortable.  And truth be told, I know guys that have been in relationship with their girl for years and they would never leave her.

The girl realizes that she has him locked down and she stops taking care of herself.  She ... (continued - Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: Is My Boyfriend Getting Bored Of Me?)

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A Girl

Ive been in a relationship for over 7 months. which is long for me. Ive never had a relationship last long before. Im 21 and my bfs 23. My issue is that my bf doesn’t try to initiate sex. He drops hints but doesn’t really just go for it. Ive never had this issue with a man before. Its been like this since we met. Its nothing new. Ive tried talking to him about it but he says he doesn’t want to be rejected (which would rarely happen) and that he doesn’t want to pressure or feel like he’s pushing me to have sex. To which I reply that I would never feel pressured, or fell as if im being pushed to do something. I just think its odd for me to have to initiate sex all the time cuz it jus makes me feel as if hes really not interested in having sex with me. Also, when we are “doing the deed” he doesn’t attend to my needs, I feel as if he just wants to get one off and be done with. Which doesn’t exactly make me want to initiate having sex with him. I try to drop hints on how to make sex better for me but I don’t think he gets it. Hes amazing as a companion and we have a great relationship. This is pretty much our only problem.

Reply October 8, 2014, 8:27 pm

Lyla

Hi, I don’t know what to do.
I live with my boyfriend of 6 months because I couldn’t live anywhere else. He loved me moving in but now we seem to be fighting. All through the months leading up to me moving in we would go out for breakfast, lunch or dinner, shopping and even a movie but like now that I’ve moved in he never wants to go out on dates or shopping. He just wants to stay at home.
I understand he works full time but he can still go out after work.
Or on his day off.
I feel like he has stopped putting effort in and it’s like he wouldn’t even fight to keep me. I love him so much, but I want to feel like he still wants me, and like he actually is putting in effort in our relationship.
What do I do?? :s

Reply October 4, 2014, 6:02 am

ying yang

Hi I have a situation. my husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have 4 kids. 2 boys and 2 girls. All ages 3,2,1, and 2 months. We have had a great relationship but my problem is; is that he isn’t romantic like he used to be. We used to go to the lake and look at the stars or lay in the yard or even sit around a bon fire and cuddle under the stars during the summer. we could still do this with kids because at the times we did it they would be in bed but it seems as if he wont do these things anymore. he would take me to the lake to have sex and that’s it. I have told him how I felt but he don’t seem to care. he wont even sit and watch television at night with me anymore. the only time he would build a bon fire is with his buddy. he would sit outside at night with his buddy. but not with me….his wife. I was wondering why he wont do anything romantic with me anymore?

Reply September 27, 2014, 11:10 am

Yulissa Pina

Hi, I have a sisuation I’ve been with my boyfriend for 1 yr and 6 months we are in hs also gonna graduate next year.. but he has serious behavior problems he’s bipolar andhas anger issues. He’s cheated on me before , not physically but thru textes messages with his ex. We both have trust issues bad and alot of insecurites. Lately he never lets me do anything honestly can’t wear certain things and can’t talk to certain people. We live in the same apartment complex but now we fight more and more Its Not how it use to be . We have tried to fix it but Everytime we or I try to move on he threatenes me he will kill himself. I Care and love him a lot , he’s my first love and everything but he scares me alot and I get bored and tired of fighting but I cant leave I dont know what to do at this point..

Reply August 11, 2014, 12:07 am

vanessa

I am confused on my relationship I just wamt someone to be blunt with me.. basically I live with my bf. He has never been a romanticneven in the beginning. But we did always talk and flirt and he is really funny.. anyway we been livin together for maybe 4 to 5 months idk but I did read articles of what happens when you move in w your bf. Anyway it said things like marriage will come off the table because we live together. And we would stop flirting amd doing things we used too.. anyways I always try to have a convo w him and he never wants to talk or do things alone but have sex.. I tried doing couple games even if theyre sexual and he turned them down.. he doesnt do cute things for me. And he wont try to spend alone time w me (we have a guy roomate) he only hangs whenn its us 3.. I feel like we distancing.. I am trying but its like h3 doesnt care.. but my rooamate tells me my bf is scared if I leave him or stop loving him but its so comfusing.. I just miss my bf.. its like we are just friends who have sex.. I just feel like he is loosing interest

Reply May 1, 2014, 2:34 am

lonna

hey guys im in ABIG PROB i got engaged be4 1 month we r sooo appy togather me nd him but lately he seemes so diffrent e got bored he dosent call dont want to see me he always say that he want to see his friends nd he love me so much but i feel hes so difff and te big issue here tat his ex still love him and shes callng him teliin him that she loves him and im sooo afraid hes cheating am so afraid he want her back i will die love him and i cant imagine my life without him please dont tell me leave him cuz i wont .. i wont let her win i lovvvvveeeeee him im soooo tired i talked to him he told me sh stoped calln but i discoverd tat shes still talikn to him plzzzzz tell m what to do how to make him come bk like be4 with me and stop talkin to his ex i neeeeed smthh

Reply February 26, 2013, 8:49 pm

Brendan

the whole draw of love is that you’ve found someone who is so valuable, that with out you they remain valuable, and with them you become more valuable, its the enticement that in atleast some ways, they are better then you, and that greatness can rub off on you, it’s being addicted to a perspective that bestows streangth and beauty. so its not a male perspective to be more attracted to you the more valuable you behave and concider your self, its genderless, its universal, its why women are attracted to confidant men, its why men are attracted to out going women that aren’t afraid to make the first move. its all about how you carry your self and how valuable you act and concider your self. your boyfriend/girlfriend may not break up with you if you act like a whimp all the time that wouldn’t be able to survive with out them, but they will definately enjoy you more if they know that with out them, you’d be just fine.

and its not shallow, it’s simply the desire to be in a relationship that is sustainable, where your partner is strong and independant to the point that not only will they be fine if you can’t always be there for them, but they will be there for you sometimes when you need them.

Reply February 17, 2013, 6:38 pm

confused

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 7 months. We are in highschool btw. The first 4 months he was the perfect boyfriend. We would always want to talk to me and find anyway to hang out with me. He sent me sweet texts and always told me how much I meant to him. I lost my virginity to him after 3 months of dating. Now it’s month 7 and I feel like he is getting tired of me, and as he starts to care less I start to care more. Every time we hang out it seems like he just wants the sex and then gets bored of me. I feel used. I have confronted him about this once and he almost broke up with me because he felt like he was a bad boyfriend, but I told him I love him too much to loose him. I don’t know what to do. People are saying are relationship will end soon. Lately he never asks to hang out and he doesn’t want to call me at night anymore, he just texts me saying goodnight. We use to stay up and have hour long conversations. Its just sad to see relationship get to this point.

Reply November 12, 2012, 2:57 pm

brendan

alright eric, i have some disagreements with you that i’d like to voice.

i think the problem isn’t the images the media is portraying, i think the problem is the images the girl in the damaged relationship is portraying.

from the sounds of it, as he withdraws, she reacts by gravitating to him. she rewards his behaviour of distancing him self from her by her being more affectionate, she feels “if i am sweet to him, what ever is convincing him he’s happier withdrawn from my will be proven wrong, and he’ll be sweet to me again like when we first started dating”

but he’s being convinced “when i go hang out with my friends, and when i don’t look up from my activities to give her any attention for an extended period of time, she is niec to me,a nd makes me feel good about my self.”

the problem is that she is too available and she rewards behaviour she doesn’t like and her needs not being met with treating him the way she wished she was being treated.

she should be doing things like not giving him the gift of her attention when there are moments where she is dissapointed with his lack of affection, she should be withdrawing from him, so he can feel a void, a sense of loss, and start pulling her back, there should be more balance in the push/pull of the relationship.

heck, when he’s done something to out right hurt you, tell him so, tell him he’s disappointed you. granted, its not great to get mad at him, but even getting mad at him would be better then letting him walk all over you.

its like a tug of war. the harder you pull, the more the person on the other end will resist, even if they’ll ultimately lose, because if nothing else, they don’t want to fall face first into the mud pit of absolute vulnerability inbetween you.

when you ask for everything from someone, heart and soul, your also asking for the darkness that lies in all of us that in healthy relationships we take steps to protect at least somewhat are loved ones from, so in a way, he keeps from you when you ask so much of him in order to protect you, from him being mud covered in his demons that he’s been trying to define him self as more then.

yes you should let him know the things that you like him to do, but be careful about asking him for those things, i used to love chocolate ice cream, apple juice, and pancakes, but growing up, thats all my dad would buy, because he REALLY loved those things, so i wound up hating it, because it was always around, and i ended up feeling obligated to have it all the time or i would feel guilty for wasting something that i’m supposed to love.

you have to learn to accept that even if its your favourite thing in the world to be with him or for him to do a thing for you, sometimes he doesn’t want to do those things and the more guilty you make him feel for doing it, the more unresolved he’ll feel in getting that out of his system.

reward his good behaviour with being kind, punish his bad behaviour by withdrawing your attention and your approval. respect him and your self enough to try and be happy even when he’s not meeting your every whim, and you’ll realize that you’ve inflated the value of your self and being in a relationship with you in his eyes so much that you won’t even need to try to beckon him to court you because people take it on them selves to pursue things that are both valuable and a challenge to pursue.

right now, it seems like you give the impression that your nothing with out him, so change the impression so that you come across as a happy and worthwhile person even when he’s not around, and he’ll want to be with you as you finally appear to have value thats seperate then his input.

if you want him to come to you and woo you, stop going to him and wooing him all the time.

Reply November 9, 2012, 4:59 pm

Nicole

Ugh. You’re so stupid. I’ve read a lot of your dumb articles. & You’re basically just giving EXCUSES for guys to act like ass holes. They don’t have a reason to be like that. If a guy can get comfortable, why can’t girls? You were just saying that it was no problem for a guy to be comfortable & not to take it in a wrong way, but it’s bad for girls if they gain some weight, stop wearing makeup, ect.? I don’t even know who you are but I really just wanna slap the dumb out of ya. For real. Girls shouldn’t have to wear makeup anyway. Guys should love their girls with or without make up. & Whether or not they are big or small. Jesus.

Reply September 3, 2012, 1:58 pm

Eric Charles

So you’re comment begins, “You’re so stupid…”
.
Great… here we go…
.
Thank you for reading a lot of my “dumb articles”, I’m glad to have you as a reader.
.
I could respond to your rant point by point, but I don’t have the interest or energy.
.
Frankly, my dear, you can do whatever you want in your dating and relationship life. You can believe whatever you want for what guys “should” do.
.
… And you’ll get exactly the results that your beliefs and behavior produce. Real life results don’t lie.
.
I don’t have to convince you of anything. I’m sure the reality you face every day in your life provides overwhelming evidence as to how effective your outlook and attitude is in getting what you want.
.
Best of luck.

Reply September 3, 2012, 3:52 pm

Destinie Carriger

You are very well worded. I just started to read your articles today. Trying to find some advice I can share with a friend who has some issues with her husband. Then I found your page and post and began reading. I must admit I am personally moved. I also read how the person who blogs responds to their comments the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have to say I would like to subscribe and support you. Because you are not only well written but when you are faced with a Irate woman/person you are still very diplomatic.
Sincerely
Destinie E Carriger.
Its been refreshing :)

Reply December 1, 2013, 7:25 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks Destinie. ;)

Reply December 2, 2013, 12:19 pm

Lydia

Shannon, I’ve been reading several of these articles and so far I haven’t seen anything like what you describe. These articles don’t seem to *impose* anything to me because apparently that’s the way you take them, but more importantly, I’ve never seen anything going against girls.

What I see is, they’re trying to help people understand some behaviors, the way guys see things, etc. and I understand that there will be some things you won’t like very much but I think Eric is only trying to be as honest as possible so he can actually help you, otherwise how would you be getting any help if someone’s trying to sugar coat everything and changing it? When it comes to these things you’ll hear what you *need* to hear, not what you *want* to hear.

Personally I trust these articles since they’re being written by a guy and have helped me in more than one occasion. Maybe you won’t agree with everything but you can always pick from what you find useful.

Reply September 11, 2012, 11:27 am

Lydia

Oops, I was sure I saw the name Shannon but it’s Nicole :P my bad.

Reply September 11, 2012, 11:28 am

Lara

So here’s my story,at the begining of this year ,my crush (i liked him for 3 years & during those years we used to online chat just as friends, and i rarely see him because we are in the same school but its nit mixed and i see him in the bus ) this year he started talking to me moree often and showing me he cares but i didnt realize it cause i was exhausted i really tried too make him like me for three years and it didnt workk so at times when he used to start the chat i would be busy doing something else and id ignore ,till that time where we were talking and i had this new haircut he complimented and said it was cute(he never complimented before ) so i said thanks and then he asked if i would like to gou out with him …and im not used to going out with a guy alone so it was kind of weird to me so i told him to give me time to think cause im not used to the idea ..so he told me not to rush and the next couple of weeks he was constantly flirting and asking when will i be able to go out but i. Ouldnt cause we weere on vactaion and i was out of town .he kept the flirting and when school started he came to my bus to see me and actually he didnt talk to me i was so confused (im the one who should be shy not him) but i ddnt talk too so it was weird he texted me and said that he looked weird coming into the bus and alll the girls were like what is he doing here but he told me he ddnt care cause he ddnt come for them so it like gave me butterflies (in the end he was my crush once ) so days passed and we never brought the subject up he dodnt ask me again and i didnt mention it ..but one day my friend told me if you want him to flirt again and be interested again you need to show him youre interested by asking him to go out cause he mentioned it alot so i dd by the help of my friends (it was the my first time with a guy alone so i was nervous and im the shy type ) so i met him at this cofee shop he was talking about himslef and i was listning smiling at him and laughing if necessary answering what he asks and he never allowed any moment of silence ..& then i saw my frnds coming as a surprise cause they knw me and how shy i am so they came to comfort me for a while and then they went …so he told me he had something and had to leave ..he payed the bill without me seeing him and it was awkward when he left and they told me he already paid then i left. We were talking online chat ofc ..and he didnt flirt like before at all he never flirts and smtimes hed not talk to me for weeks it was weird for me cause he was not like that when he asked me out ..then i reslly thought he doesnt like me or maybe he wanted to go out with me as friends cause he never said i love you or i like you it was like he just said tc and had this heart emotion at the end of every convo…he used to ask me would you like to go out and id say yes suree he woukdnt tell me of a place or time ..one day when he asked abt going out i told him to tell me if he has feelings for me or not and he said he feels good around me and that im the only girl he thinks of that much i was comfortable and knew he liked me we stayed hin touch he used to call laike every day and then suddenly he started going online and not talking to me i noticed there’s someone else but he didnt forget my birthday thogh but he still didnt talk he just texted and when i replied to his text he never answered so i was confused and i knew he was with someone else now its been 3 weeks we didnt talk and one of my frnds know who hes dating now but she didnt tell me that he is ..so i mad another girl ask my frnd and i knew that he is dating someone else and i knew who the girl is but does that end our friendship? 3 weeks ? He promised to be honest and tell me if anything happens and i didnt knw about he said he will tell me but he dated someone else and didnt even bother talking to me or aksing about me or even telling me since theres something i dont know is going on ….what do i doo? Do i talk to him? I think he likes that girl cause shes fun she is i admit it but shes ugly ..i know im not that fun to him (im shy) but cmon we only went out once ! I know the reason he liked her maybe cause he wants someone to be fun or to be able to see her every day or every once in a while and she is fun to be around and lives in a compound that he alwAys goes to . Should i talk to him as if i dont know ? Or try to tell him that im okay with us being friends ? Or should i try with some other guy and make him jelous ?

Reply August 9, 2012, 8:34 pm

Roxy

i need help i dont know what to do or how to help my boyfriend with his problems. He is hurting me in a meantly and verbl way. He also is so rude to his parents cussing at them and doing things hes not sopose to be doing. My borfriend is always angry and if he is not hes depressed or sad and i dont know how to help will you please help

Reply July 17, 2012, 5:27 am

Girl from Lebanon

Hello, im lebanese and my boyfriend is lebanese too working abroad.
My boyfriend was such a sweet guy and romantic, when he first landed to lebanon(that was one month ago) he landed for a week all the week he was so romantic and sweet he took me to a very nice dinner with wine that was for my bday, he used to take care of me so well, he used to check my phone all the time because he was always jealous, and in any place he was so jealous. He used to ask me where do u wanna go.. he was always taking me from university every single day spend a day with him and do many nice things every time. his ex-girlfriend talked to him on whatsapp i was angry and i told her we’re engaged.
because before landing to lebanon he said he wanna do something special, go to the priest get engaged or even get married secretly for a short time and when i finish university we get married again… he used to not let me go anywhere because he’s jealous i don’t go clubbing or even beach i was always staying home waiting for him to come back from abroad… anyways there is a lot of talking.. But i will just talk about the problem now.. he came back to abroad and than came this monday back i went with his mother and sister we picked him up.. i m always jealous over him there is a girl in his building her parents are friends with his parents.. she was really looking at him all the times like i feel like she likes him and never stop looking and getting close to him it made my nerves go insane so i told him. he said plz calm down i love you not her and i said but im really angry from her his mum was preparing a big dinner for him he got angry and i went to his room than he came arguing i said ok i will go have dinner with ur parents and and everyone and i was really nice talkative and didn’t say anything after that than he took me home the next day i saw on his fb that there is close friends application he puts a girl i don’t like he left her on BBM and all the guys i have he made me delete everyone(before a month), but he didn’t delete much from his contacts and kept many girls so anyways i said him u put something on fb and bla bla bla we started fighting all over the phone texting BBM messages i said i wanna call he didn’t let me he doesn’t call even so i started depressing and i said sorry a hundreds of times and he didn’t reply much to me i took pills and i told him i was in a very bad condition and he didn’t come to see me even even that i was asking to see him a lot at his home he had his friends everyone drinking and he wasn’t having that bad feeling like me which really disappointed me he closed his phone for a short time after that bad night we left each other he removed my picture from his BBm and he closed his fb i asked him are u sure and u don’t wanna engage me anymore not anything? he said not anymore. Wednesday he said he wanna see me just for short time and i will go shopping with my cousin i said ok he took me his home and i said to my cousin i don’t wanna go anymore so i stayed with him the whole day (in this day i was wearing a short dress to uni and he didn’t say anything, before he used to not let me wear any short dresses or whatever) in the day i wanted to sleep on his bed so he came and started kissing me a lot and touching me he said he loves me but he doesn’t think of me more than a girlfriend anymore so maybe he’s not serious anymore and i started to tell him i will change to good and never cause problems again and than i took his phone to check it he doesn’t let me anymore the whole day he went sitting on the tv and not saying anything so i said him plz take me home i don’t wanna be in a home where i m not being treated well so he didn’t take me home we stayed at his and he said he wanna go far from lebanon again and go back to the country he is working in i got more crazy because before he said he’s coming for 2 months so i said i wanna leave u because ur not serious and going back and don’t wanna commit to stay even in lebanon and u don’t wanna search for a job here but he didn’t let me go back home so anyways he said he doesn’t wanna go back anywhere and that’s it. at night his sister said let’s go for sushi so he said yes okay so we went yesterday he barely kissed me barely hugged me ..today we’re being mean to each other this sunday he’s going to some village with his friends for elections which is unimportant he doesn’t wanna spend a day with me.. tomorrow it’s his bday so i m inviting him today for a dinner i don’t know if he stayed mean i won’t tell him let’s go for dinner.. by the way i feel like he doesn’t like to pay money on me.. maybe this is really him and i started to know the person on his reality..
the problem is that i really love him but i don’t know what to do i don’t wanna get hurt since he doesn’t seem to be serious as before anymore and doesn’t wanna search for a job just wanna stay outside of lebanon.. as if i don’t have any future with him.. so what should i do in this case? any advice?

Reply July 13, 2012, 4:50 am

kim

Me and my boyfriend had an argument and all he did was go for a walk when it was 3 Am is it normal? :s

Reply July 2, 2012, 5:17 am

Mica

Hi, please help me. I am now in 5 months relationship with my boyfriend and i’m 3 months pregnant. He still studying and i’m working, but unfortunately, i lost my job because of complication in my pregnancy. I really don’t know what to do, he always angry with me, he always blaming me because of the baby. Now, i really don’t know if he truly loves me or just using me, sexually and financially. He always asking for money for online games, for drinking alcohol, for cigarettes, and i am the one who always in charge of paying our transportation, foods, cinema, etc. without saying ‘thank you’. I understand him because he still a student but he didn’t appreciate me, i’m always suggesting some activitites that we can earn extra money but he always ignore my idea, he depends on my money.

He always wants to come to my home even its past 3am, he always say he wants to see me, etc. then he always wants to have sex with me eventhough he knew that i have a complication in pregnancy, he forcing me to have sex with him, he will get angry if i didn’t.

I also feel his efforts to see me, but i’m the one who always paying his cab. Then if we’re together, i think he’s bored because he always playing NBA in my tablet. When i’m talking to him, he always yelling at me because i disturb him in playing. But i really love him. I don’t know how to control him, or change his attitude towards me, money and sexual activities, i don’t know what can i do for him to love our baby, because it seems that he really don’t care with our baby.

Please help me. :(

Reply June 20, 2012, 3:56 am

shannon

Hi Eric,

New to your site. You say women should lay off the comfortable behaviours.. but I’m curious, how do we get our boyfriends to lay off THEIR comfortable behaviours? If you say anything you are naggy or not satisfied.. but if we put effort into ourselves and looks, shouldn’t the guy do this as well?

Reply May 21, 2012, 8:29 pm

Eric Charles

The short answer: Look at relationships as something that could end and something you *choose* to be in every step of the way. Don’t look at it as something meant to last forever.
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And always remember that there are other men out there and other relationships if this one isn’t measuring up. When you don’t settle for less than you want, that’s when a guy will pick up on your energy and put in the work.
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Most women will just accept anything from the guy they’re in a relationship with and that’s when he gets comfortable – he knows he has you forever, no matter what, so he knows you’re not going anywhere even if he’s a total sloth in the relationship.

Reply May 22, 2012, 10:23 am

Jane

I have a similar situation. A guy that is too comfortable and thinks I’m not going anywhere. So the answer would be to start going out with my girlfriends again and meeting other guys to see if he snaps out of it?
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I’ve been going out with my girlfriends and meeting new guys, and I feel that I’m starting to care less about what happens with this relationship. I no longer feel that if he wants to take me out or not or call me or not, that, even though I’m upset, I can find someone new in a heartbeat.
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The thing is that HIS behavior is changing a bit. He suddenly is angry and upset when I tell him I’m going out with the girls clubbing. He starting to become jealous of every guy I meet. And he said that I was now taking HIM for granted and that I stopped being as loving and caring as before.
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Did I do something wrong (took it too far) or is this a normal reaction?

Reply June 23, 2012, 7:50 pm

Chas from CO

Wow, I’m shocked, but in a good way. As in know I know what to do with my boyfriend. Thank you Eric! :)

Reply May 18, 2012, 5:07 pm

Ally

I can see the “comfortable” stage that you mention with women, but men get comfortable before that, and stop behaving like they did at the beginning, as well. They stop making an effort. They only do what very little they think will be enough to keep us happy, but very mediocrely. Which kind of sucks. Guys should always make an effort and make a girl feel special. Girls should always be their best selfs, looking good and all that jazz. Everyone would be happy.

Reply April 1, 2012, 8:19 pm

Lauren

While I appreciate your advice, try to create some kind of structure to your articles, especially this one. The grammar is really aweful too, and at times you use words that are a bit immature and don’t make you seem very professional (pussy-whipped? I got what you were trying to say with everything else you said.. ). Thanks regardless!

Reply March 31, 2012, 1:39 pm

Eric Charles

It’s spelled… awful. Thanks for your input.

Reply March 31, 2012, 5:21 pm

Lost

I am 18 I have been dating my 19 year old boyfriend for about 10 months now. We met online and when we started talking on the phone we never stopped we talked on the phone for about 20 hours of the day everything seemed so perfect. Then I took the big step of coming 6 states to live with him and his family. When we met in person we acted like we knew each other already I felt like It was true love but I also have a child from a previous relationship and within a few weeks he started complaining how he always cries and isn’t walking and pees his bed all the time. && now about 9 months later its worsen I don’t know if its true love. He complains about my 1 year old and 3 months not walking or talking making messes. Hes actually kind of childish for his age and plays with my child a little rough to the point where my child gets annoyed and starts crying. I don’t know how to take that && before he wrote a text to my mother saying how much he wanted to take care of us and be the father of my child but now he says things like “pick your kid up” “you baby him all the time hes lazy just like his momma” && I also say mean things to hurt him but its because I believe hes still in love with his ex even tho he denies it he treats me nothing like he treated her I am faithful to him and she continuously cheated on him but yet i get treated like the bad one. He went to church with her and the child he once thought was his every Sunday and even got saved just to be with her but he wont go one day with me or my child. It seems like he rather be in another room than be in a room with us sometimes he just shows many signs of him getting tired of me….now I am pregnant and feel like I have made a huge mistake with him because he just treats us more distant everyday… It just seems like the only time he wants to lay with me is when he wants to have sex or some type of sexual activity. Sometimes when he gets real mad he packs my bags and tries to make me leave, tho recently he has stopped, I still feel unwelcome in this home. I cant even remember a time where he says he loves me without me saying it first or me being very mad or sad and he expects it to make me feel better… I don’t know whether to stay or go….

Reply February 7, 2012, 11:20 pm

Mz. V

I’ve been dating a guy for a year, we meet at work, although we worked in different departments we struck up a conversation that later led to me giving him a ride home, and we kind-of hit it off from there. Here’s my story: After giving him a few rides home, one night we sat in my car and talk for about an hour in a half about our past relationships, and what we needed and wanted out of a relationship ect. During that converstion he told me he was a recovering addict. I WAS SHOCKED!(to say the least), so after he got out of my car, I had decided then that I didn’t want to have nothing to do with him. Well as time went on and we continue to talk at work, he had convince me that he was getting clean, and wasn’t using anymore, and I saw for myself that he was serious, and had succeeded with getting clean and staying clean. Although he did slip up once that he did tell me about, even though I didn’t know about it. Anyway long story short we began txting and calling each other on the regular, all day everyday, which eventually led to us dating,(he’s still clean a year later). Everything was Perfect in the beginning, if we weren’t talking at work, we talked on the phone, and when we couldn’t talk we texted. Then we started spending alot of time together, to the point he was damn-near living with me, for almost three months, even though he had his own place. But as soon as he got his car fixed, and got a better job(that I helped him get), he BOUNCED!, until his car broke down for the last time, then he comes back because now he needs a ride.(1st Red Flag). Then he calls his Ex-girlfriend father to wish him a happy father’s day(of all ppl/Men he could’ve call) I think in the process of calling him he had to ask about her, or even told the father to tell her to call him. Now let him tell it he has not been in a relationship in three years prior to us dating. That’s how I know he call the father looking for her, so quiet naturally there are still some feeliings there on both there parts, because she’s still to date is calling and texting him, and he is calling and txting her even though he lies about it. But when I asked to let me answer the phone next time she calls he told me NO, she’s a “Special-Friend” and I don’t want to do it that way.(WTF-REALLY)..(2nd Red-Flag) Bottom line he started cheating and lying, which began to show in the way he treated me and talk to me, like I was now getting on his nerves(all of a sudden). And to top this off he moves across town, which he says is to be closer to his job in case his care breaks down, he can walk to work and not have to depend on anybody. Steady moving away from me and the relationship. But the “WORST” part of it all to me, is when my car did break down after he moved across town, and told me to ask my sister for a ride, because for him to have to come get me would be too much on him again-(WTF). I got out of my bed at 4/5 A.M. to get him to work everyday, passing my job twice gettin him there, and going back home, only to have to turn around and go to work myself 2hours later. I took a chance everyday, with no liscence or insurance, and got him to work everyday, by the grace of God. But now I have to ask my sister for a ride to work-REALLY!! And that’s the Short version of this story. Of course we did the I love you, we planned on getting married, ect… Everything that comes in and with a relationship we did and said. Moral of the story: He used me now he don’t need me or want to be with me. He changed once he got a car/better job/and allowed his ex back in.(Karma is a B****)… The thing is I don’t even want him back, I think in the last few months I was going through the motions, with no real feeling t for him, like the whole, let me see if….Well I’m happy now, I’m single, but I’m Honestly Happy…I can focus more better on school and getting my Bachelors. What I have notice about me is, I accomplish MORE when I’m single than I do when I’m in a relationship. I accomplish more and can get more DONE….I look at that as another lesson learn, and you’re NEVER too old, to make mistakes, it’s how you recovery that matters.(fall down-Get up)…I would rather be single and Happy, than with someone that make me Unhappy/miserable, and that’s how I was starting to feel towards the end just MISERABLE(for no reason), I was taking it out on family and friends…..I think I cried more than I laugh while I was with him.(On to the next one)…lol..lol…I feel Great. P.S. It wasn’t all bad we did have some good times in that year, he had some good qualities in him…But nothing worth going back to.

Reply November 2, 2011, 10:53 pm

honey

I’m Very Confused right now ;/ … last month my boyfriend and i broke up he told me “im not good for a relasionship and i dont want it” i was shocked but he keeps talking to me sending msgs asking me about how am i doing and he keeps saying i love you i still love you, and i never understood why he left me…but something in my mind came and it was something bothering him i taught…we were fighting a lot because of his hobby(football) and i saw him changing a lot when we were talking about marrige, time passed and i could’t live with out him and a told him if there was something bothering him…we meet and he made it clear that he was confused becouse of the marriage thing and becouse of his hobby .i see he love his hobby more than he love me. he prefair to go play football instead of stay near me, he changed a lot after we arranged things and i dont like the way he is …and that is bothering me a lot.. .i’m feeling very sad all the time because i am afrid that he will tell me to stop from the relasionship and i dont want that ..i dont now what to do, pls help i wish i have someone to tell me what is the best to do

Reply October 17, 2011, 3:50 pm

nicte

I been dating my BF for two months after two , I agreed to stay a whole weekend with him. we had sex for the first time. In my case it was my first time and in case he had other before me. On our firt month we had a few communication issues( long distance relationship), previous to that weekend we talked and decided to continue. We text me back that sunday and said i miss u. How ever after that he hasn’t text nor call nothing. We events with friends in commun and i have text him with the same text i send everyone else. But, i haven’t text, call or email, him aside of those events with required the purchase of tickets and reservation. Am i doing something right and fair here, by only texting him the same a text everyone involvd in the events, and not texting him with a Hun, or bebe, since he hates me calling by his name. I know he has school and work (part time/full time) , but so do I (full time both) . i dnt know if this has to do with him having addhd, or just getting what he wanted and that is it. I truly plan on not texting him after I finish the whole planning of the events this weekend, but i dnt want to be unfair.

Reply September 21, 2011, 12:23 am

Brittanie

It’s not like I am perfect, but I’m reasonable, I know that wen I fall hard I am needy, I felt like he would get jealous if I talked to other guys so I didn’t, and I was always around him like a sick puppy, I should have just been myself But I was only acting like he was acting. And then he’s the one that I’m now fighting for? How do I get back to the person I am and stop being such a pussy. Its sickening.

Reply September 19, 2011, 11:22 am

Brittanie

Now were nOt together but we are together? But he has condoms in his overnight bag but he says he isn’t with anyone else? He doesn’t want me to be with anyone else he begs but he’s talking to a girl on the phone at 3am and says don’t worry about it, I just need someone to tell me that I am blinded by my own situation and just move the F on bcuz I’m too close to see it. I need a new perspective.

Reply September 19, 2011, 11:17 am

Brittanie

I’m not even sure why I’m writing because the fact that I’m writing already answers my question. I’ve been with my guy for a year and I’ll be honest it’s hard for me to really like a guy so when he was pursuing me I sometimes wouldn’t text him back or I wild break plans and he pursued me more. But when I was able to actually like him I fell hard, and he did as well and he wanted me over every night so I was, for a few months it was great but I did notice a change in his affection towards me and it scared me a little so of course I did the stupid thing and pulled to keep him which made us fight and I got the feeling he was still talking to other girls which made us fight even more, and it changed me into a person I was even annoyed with. N

Reply September 19, 2011, 11:14 am

mattysgirl

I seriously need advice, my bf and I live together he is 8yrs. younger
Than me, and we’ve been together a year and a half
,in may he slept with a nurse where we both work,
I only found out by reading his texts ,he lied and said he only
Was setting it up because he thought we were going to break up, I tracked him into
Telling me everything ,he said it lasted only 2 weeks they only
Had sex one time,but the texts were him saying he was having withdrawl,
He said he was feeling obligated to say that,anyways I’m devasted ,I told her husband
Who either doesn’t mind or doesn’t believe me, I feel I don’t
Know everything and I can’t trust him and I don’t know if he is still doing it and damnit, I
Wanna know how long it Was going on ,cuz I may not wanna stay in it…please help
Me I’m confused and terribly consumed by fear he will do it again

Reply September 11, 2011, 2:13 am

Ashley

I need advice too. My bf and i have been dating for a few months over a year. At first he was super romantic. He sings and plays the guitar and he used to write me songs all the time and just say the sweetest things. Although the last few months he hasn’t been doing that very much. The only pet name he calls me is babe and he used to have so many names he’d call me. I confront him about it and he just tells me to stop and says im being ricidiculous and says im ungrateful or something. Also he chats with lots of girls on fb and its starting to get to me. We are going to different colleges this yr so thats an ajustment but i feel he makes barely any time for me and when we text or talk on the phone i still never have his full attention. I don’t know what to do. He says he wants to marry me someday and we’re in a really serious relationship but i don’t feel cared about anymore.

Reply September 9, 2011, 6:11 pm

ginger

i am in need of help. i have been with my b/f for a little over a year now and i have known him for about 12 years before that. he always had a crush on me and when we first got together he was always saying sweet things and telling me he loves me, now i dont get any of that. people tell me he is chatting with girls on line when i ask him he says no. but he has in the pasted and lied to be about it. he tells me we need something different and everything i try he wants nothing to do with. i love him but i need to know if i am wasting my time?

Reply September 6, 2011, 2:33 pm

Kari

I’ve dated this guy for amost 6 months….and I love him alot and still do! I won’t say we never fight but we have had little disagreements…..nothing hard core and not alot of them. I noticed just about 1 month ago, his txting became slower, for example, he use to txt me in the AM….good morning and then about 1 month ago…it became noon before I would hear from him. I was always making the plans….from the beginning of our relationship….and this bothered me too! It wasn’t that I expected much from him but it would have been night to be shown a little more love…..So we broke up a few days ago, his response is that he “Loves Me” but he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me, he’s says he’s confused? He was very confusing….what does this mean?

Reply August 22, 2011, 9:18 am

Orchid

I really liked your response to the question, Eric.

Your comment about getting “sloppy” made me think of my current situation. I am in a good relationship with a very attentive, sexy man with a great career. However, I met him shortly after I got “sloppy” and gained a lot of weight (my dad had a stroke and I got depressed, started overeating). Now I am mentally healthy again and have started marathon training and am planning to return to my usual athletic shape.

My question is, if I lost a lot of weight, would my boyfriend treat me differently? My boyfriend’s never seen me in shape and he always says I’m beautiful now–if I lose the weight will he get suspicious? Will he think I did it for someone else or maybe think I’m going to cheat on him? I’m sexy now but I’m a lot hotter when I’m in shape. I’m worried if I lose weight, my boyfriend might feel that I’m out of his league and it’ll hurt his confidence so he’ll act differently . Have you or your friends been in this situation, how’d it make you feel? Thanks

Reply August 18, 2011, 8:29 pm

be naughty

Manny!! I am totally agree with you and i have share some thing for you can you review it?

Reply August 10, 2011, 9:13 am

manny

me and my boyfriend have been together for amount 2 months now and it seem that he has lake interest in me .he doesn’t really go on facebook no more never had a response of him seen or last fight which was really ridiculous (do you i was right to get mad if he didn’t said i too me ) it been 3 week we haven’t seen each other before that happen but the last time i saw him was at summer school that’s when he didn’t say hi to me and i was really confused is that a sign that he doesn’t like me no more …

Reply August 9, 2011, 9:08 pm

Laila"sexyg"

Need help! I am in a relationship where in i dnt undrstand what’s d real score!We r living in 4 3yrs nw in our house ,if i ask hm if we could stay in their house he doesnt want to nd told me he’s stil young and doesnt want to get married yt..If i ask him if he’ll gonna marry me he always say u can go nd find someone ..I was jst hv my miscarriage(5mnths) dis past 2wiks w/ our 1st baby,he’s nt cming home to me,he styd in their house nd wenever i told hm to cme home w me he told me his bz..Things hv chnged since we’ve loss our baby…I dnt fil he dnt care anymore he showed up once a wik…Im so depressed i loss my baby nd now mybe im losing my partner too..Does he rily luv me?Or juz using me? Pls help..

Reply August 9, 2011, 8:39 pm

Lady

I need HELP.. I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 1 yr and 3mnths and we still aren’t in a committed relastionship.. he says he doesn’t want a girlfriend b|c of the ongoing nagging etc, etc .. well me and him have lived together for 5months after me having a miscarriage for him , she wasn’t there w|me for the pregnancy but afterwards we moved in together everything was good up until his cousin came into town and they started hanging out a lot often than he would before,, he was always involved into social networking in which later became a rlly big problem since im able to find out a lot more of his social life & how he interacts w| different female individual .. he says he love me but doesn’t want to commit into a relationship but occasionally get’s jealous of a lot of the things i do.. we broke up in May 2011, but still remain verrrrrry CLOSE, as in it’s like we still live together but i just don’t understand the SITUATION .

Reply August 8, 2011, 2:28 pm

Girl from CT

Your wasting your time. He may love you, but “not enough to commit”. Five years from now, he will be saying the same thing and you will still be in the same boat. If you are looking to get married someday, take my advice and keep it movin. You do not want to look back one day and realize that you have wasting your valuable time and energy on the “what if”. Tomorrow is not promised. Find a man that truly is into you and wants to spend the rest of your life with you. He is out there in the same boat you are in now…waiting…You owe it to yourself!!! :)

Reply August 9, 2011, 8:04 pm

Charlotte

I agree. What a great response. I think there are many females (myself included) who freak out in the transition from a budding relationship to a comfortable relationship because their man stops the constant showering of compliments and overly romantic gestures.

Reply August 6, 2011, 11:41 pm

Emmalee

That was one of the best responses I’ve ever read in an advice column. The explanation of the differing views of the sexes was perceptive and you explained it in such relatable terms. I think it can help a lot of people to understand their everyday relationship issues.

Reply August 3, 2011, 3:41 pm

Tay

I need help . I don’t know what to do . Me & my boyfriend, well now ex-boyfriend were dating for awhile . & things were great . But then he went to a different town for a month & a half & we couldn’t see eachother because we were just in a bad situation & the first week he was there, everything was the same . Great . But then things started to changed . I noticed him lying to me . Then eventually I got tired of being treated poorly & I broke up with him . He kept telling me he loved me after I broke up with him, he kept acting like he wanted to get back together & then when I finally agreed, he acted like that’s not what he wants anymore . He’s also bipolar . What’s happening ? How do I atleast make him want me back ?

Reply July 29, 2011, 1:37 pm

Girl from CT.

Let it go…I was in a six month relationship and then he moved to another state. It was down hill from there. He lied and cheated on me. To top it off, I think he was bipolar too. He said he loved me and he probably did, but his love and my love are two differnet kinds of love. If he is a liar, then it’s in his character as a person to lie. It has nothing to do with you. It’s not about you. Let it go…

Reply August 7, 2011, 9:26 pm

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