Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Flirts With Other Women post image

Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Flirts With Other Women


I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and  I do not understand why he won’t stop flirting with other girls. I give him everything that he needs sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally, but still he flirts with other girls and has sexy conversations with them.  He never meets up with them, though.

I know he loves me because he told me first and he is a genuine person, but I hate feeling like I’m sharing him.  What should I do?

You’re making a whole lot of assumptions in your question…

You say that you give him everything he needs sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally. That’s a pretty massive claim… you’re basically saying that you’re his perfect dream girl.

Maybe what you meant is that you’re giving him everything *you think* he needs sexually, emotionally, etc. That’s an entirely different animal.

Oftentimes, we love other people in the way that we want to be loved – and while you make certain adjustments toward him since he’s a dude, it’s not safe to bet that you’re satisfying his every need…

But let’s say that you were satisfying his every need. Why would he be having these sexy, flirtatious conversations with these other women? I mean, all of his sexual needs are completely met by you, right? So it can’t be that he desires sex with them…

And all of his emotional needs are met by you, so it can’t be that he enjoys the ego boost of feeling desired by a woman…

My point in all this is that if you believe that you’re meeting all his needs, you will be blind to areas where the relationship needs to grow. If you want the relationship to move forward, find deeper areas where you can reach him and inspire him.

But let’s take a completely different side of this… because I know there are women reading this thinking, “Why should a woman do anything for this flirtatious disrespectful pig of a man?”

Relax – put down your torches and pitchforks.

Here’s the deal – you’re asking me this question because you do not find his behavior acceptable. And yet, you’ve been demonstrating to him that you’re OK with it.

Sure, you may complain about it or get upset. But a guy knows when a woman isn’t going anywhere. A guy always knows a woman’s real limit is measured by how much she’s willing to tolerate.

Women feel this instinctively and will usually try to put up a front, claiming that they won’t stand for his bad behavior and making empty threats. The problem is that guys know a woman’s bluff from a mile away… and the moment you start bluffing about how much you’re willing to tolerate, he knows you’ll tolerate just about anything.

Why? Because if you’re afraid enough to lie about your limits, then it’s pretty likely that you don’t actually have limits you’re willing to enforce.

Do you know what’s at the core of why women put up with behavior they find unacceptable? Fear of loss. Fear that they couldn’t do better than the guy. Fear that this guy is the one true love of their life. The reality of it is that if you want to mentally and emotionally be in a place where you have any say in your relationship, you have to diminish your fear of loss.

Let me shift your attention to the fact that you chose this guy. You chose him – you knew what kind of an animal he was when you started going out. It’s not like one morning he just went out and started having sexy flirtations with other women all of a sudden and you were shocked.

From the get-go, you chose him… but secretly you hoped and believed that he would change for you. And now, a little over a year into the relationship you’re disappointed that he’s still the same guy… and you want to change him.

People do this all the time, but it doesn’t make it right or sane. The fact is, this whole pattern of people projecting a fantasy version of someone onto the actual person is ludicrous.

There are times where one person might inspire change in another person, but it’s because the other person wanted the change themselves as well. There are times where one person will get their act together because they’re afraid to lose something good or they’re determined to win something good.

But I can’t think of a time where the insecurity of one partner inspired a change in the other partner. Especially when the insecure partner isn’t willing to walk away regardless of whether or not they get what they want.

Rather than wanting him to change, the better path is to move towards understanding each other better.

Understanding each other is the basis of connection. The fact is, he has these sexy flirtations with other women, but you don’t really know why… you don’t know his motivation or what he “gets” from it. Instead, you’re focusing on how YOU feel about it and that YOU don’t like it.That’s understandable, but it’s not helpful.

You can feel hurt and victimized or you can open your eyes to the bigger picture… and maybe learn something valuable about your guy in the process (maybe some need that he still needs met).

Some people have voids inside them and they forever try to fill them – with having other people desire them, with sex, with power, with money, etc. In many cases, the void that people feel is caused by a feeling of separateness – a feeling that we don’t belong and aren’t acceptable.

When men  act out in whatever way they act out, you’ll find  what I just described at the heart of the matter: a deep feeling of separateness, insignificance and undesirability.

Most guys would never admit to feeling anything like that. Most aren’t even consciously aware of those feelings. But if you can see past your own hurts and desires, you’ll see men everywhere trying to fill emotional voids through their actions and achievements.

When you can accept him as he is, you start to show him a path towards filling that void. When you can recognize what he “gets” from his behavior and you can truly understand him as a man, you might not take his actions personally anymore. You might see a bigger picture – a picture of what he really needs.

I had a girlfriend who was very flirtatious by nature. She would light up a room and sexuality radiated from her effortlessly. There were times that she’d flirt with other guys, but I understood that she was a girl who came alive when she had an audience. Having an audience was reward in it of itself for her.

If I were an insecure jealous boyfriend type, I would have flipped out. I would have looked at her actions as meaning something personal about me, felt bad and then demanded that she not do what made her feel alive because it made me feel bad about myself.

It may seem narcissistic, but people do it all the time. They look at their partner’s behaviors and take them personally as meaning something about them. Then they shame, punish or guilt their partner into stopping that behavior.

Then… one… two… three… five years into the relationship… they wonder where all the passion went. Not just in the relationship, but in their own life.

As a dating coach, I can tell you that people get the most stuck when they look at other people’s behavior as meaning something about them personally. It’s the biggest relationship trap possible since it blinds us to understanding them and floods our mind with negative emotions. Instead of wanting to understand them more, we want to make our self-inflicted (ego-inflicted) pain go away.

To sum it up: His actions mean nothing about you as a person. You chose him… and if you want to continue on with him, your best bet is to continually move towards understanding him more and more.

Hopefully he’ll be able to understand you more and more as your relationship continues as well. That can only happen if you drop the insecurities (taking things personally).

A lot to think about.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

 

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Juls

I’d like to ask advice from a man specifically. I’ll try to cut to the chase. Bottom line is I am in a relationship and my boyfriend constantly is exchanging pics through email or tagging friends and “liking” pics on instagram of models in sexy outfits and in thongs and of nice asses. Everyone always says that this is just human nature and it’s how guys are. But why does this make me feel this bad to have to seek this blog and ask for advice? Honestly when I’ve seen the pics on IG that he likes and tags his friends it makes me feel like shit. He follows all these “model” pages that post ass ass and more ass. It makes me feel as if he might compare me and that I’m not as hot as they are. I do consider myself hot, I’m in shape and have my hispanic curves and consider myself to be pretty and sexy. But no I don’t have that big and fake, perfect round ass that he admires and I feel insecure over this. Should I stop taking this personal? From a Man’s perspective, does this constant checking out of other girls change how he sees me? After 4 years of knowing him, sometimes I start thinking that maybe he doesn’t see me as hot as he used to because of the fact that he’s had me for so long… and the spark is not as strong. I often feel like I wish that he “sweated” me like he does these gorgeous models. The crazy thing is that I am a hot girl (not being conceited), yet I feel insecure because since we’ve been together for a while, I could walk by him in a tjong and it’s not even a big deal anymore. I wish he’d see my ass and react the way he did when we first got together and the way he reacts when he sees these pics on IG that he tags his boys on. :( do I need to get over this? Is this something every guy is going to do? As a man, when u see these hot models & huge perfect butts, does it make u want that instead of your girl or do u compare and see ur girl as less than that? Please advise “/

Reply October 24, 2014, 12:41 am

Aries

You’re just following the bro code aren’t you?

Reply August 19, 2014, 2:53 pm

jolie

Yea…well im a hot girl devoted and loyal, and i cant drink for health reasons. I treat my longtime boyfriend of 7 years awesome, in all areas .He loves to drink alot, and he makes moves on ugly, fat, alcoholic bitches, all the time. He tries to bed them. Ive contacted them and they told me he tried to get with them. One even told me he wanted to be with her LTR. I talked to him many times about this problem but he gives me straight lies every time. Conclusion is that he wants me to drink and i cant. So i guess we BOTH will be cheating on each other, and still stay together until one of us finds a better mate. And like my mother always told me, All men are cut with the same scissors..meaning they are ALL cheaters and liars, no matter who they are, or even if they go to church. THEY are ALL the same. After a year or 2 in a relation, they start their shit…

Reply August 2, 2014, 9:11 am

Jessie Ardill

I really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. It is long distance and we see each other every three months for about two weeks at a time. Recently I had caught him multiple times flirting and texting a girl he met on Tinder. Each time he said he would stop and that he loved me and wanted our relationship to work. It has been four times now and he is still texting her. I’m not sure if he is still flirting with her but I know he is talking to her, something I asked him not to do and something he agreed he wouldn’t do. Eventually I got to the point where I told him that I can deal with the problems in our relationship, just not the lies. If he is open and honest with me about what he is struggling with or not getting from this relationship I will work to try and understand. On the third time I caught him texting her I was caught between whether to stay and work it out or to respect myself enough to leave. In order to get me to stay he texted her saying that he couldn’t talk to her anymore and that he had a girlfriend this whole time. He said he broke my heart and wants to rebuild our trust. But I caught him texting her after that. Last night I did something bad and I looked through his phone. He was getting texts and I wanted to see who it was. Turns out he is still texting her and not only that but chatting up other girls on Tinder as well. His conversations date as far back as four months.

I don’t know what to do because I want to give him what he wants. He says it’s nice to talk to other girls and it’s nice to have someone other than me to talk to, but I’m not okay with the flirting or the secrets. We are together in person right now and this is still going on so I don’t think this is a case of needing something sexual as he is acting normal with me. Everything is normal and our relationship is great, apart from this issue. I believes that he still wants to be with me and still loves me. I love him too, I just don’t know how to understand what he needs and give it to him without allowing him to cross lines that I am not okay with.

Can you help me?

Reply July 17, 2014, 12:28 pm

Mackula

I think he is going to do what he wants regardless. He wont comply with your demand or else he will be allowing you to “be the boss” and call the shots. Not only does that feel immasculating as a man, but many women agree that men who defer to women are not attractive to women.

Many men have complied with demands like this over the years only to have their women lose respect and leave them [actual respect: via action, not some verbal B.S. respect]
so we eventually “make the change” and stop complying with women’s demands [ie. not listening] because we lost too many women that way.

Yes. I am aware that this is “felt” as “blame” by me on women for mens’ actions, but that is not my goal.

It is just a valid point for the perspective of women to consider and it does not excuse mens’ lack of responsibility. Plain and simple, women too often feel complain of being bored with compliant men.

That’s not our fault.

I know plenty of wives who have pussywhipped husbands and don’t dump him or cheat on him because she knows what she wants and he complies. For many women, that is “boring” [apparently].

But more constructively, you have basically 2 hard choices:
-stay with him & just ignore his flirting allowing it as long as he doesn’t physically meet up with these women and actually cheat
-leave him. For good.

The 2nd option, losing you, may be the only way he will learn as he will no longer flirt with the other women so confidentally without having you as his “fallback” comfort zone.

He may still not learn (blaming you instead of taking responsibility for his actions)

If you choose option 2, however, you must not allow any 2nd chances. You should move forward. Additionally, any future relationships, you should not allow to get to this point and skip the ultimatums.

Simplicity: If you ain’t gettin what you want, end that shit and offer no explanation. Why? Because people like that have a neverending supply of “reasons” (read: excuses and/or lies) to keep you strung along if you give them explanations. They will only learn via experience and ultimatums are never going to work unless someone physically fears you or they are withheld by a court of law… and personally, I don’t feel physical danger nor courts of law should be involved in love affairs.

Know what you want: Accept nothing less

Agree or disagree, this is my perspective. Take it or leave it.

Reply October 14, 2014, 5:34 pm

Asira

My boyfriend of 3 years tells me that I don’t need to know all of his friends. I only know some of his homeboys and like 1 female friend he knows other than his cuz girlfriend. I’ve found out that he’s been texting/calling to other females on his phone but is talking to one particular female. I have a slight trust issue though. Like I trust him but I gotta keep my eye open type of ish. I know it’s wrong but I look through his texts which I need to stop because I think it’s making me paranoid because I’m tryna figure out who his female friends are. I’ve told him that I notice he has been moving funny with his phone lately and questions me why I wanna see his phone when I ask for it. He tells me that I don’t trust him cause of his phone and that I might see something that I don’t like and take it out of context etc..He’s like I’m known for snooping around his phone even though he hasn’t got me yet but he says I don’t trust him over his phone. I told him he can look through my phone cause I have nothing to hide but he’s like he doesn’t want to cause that’s invading my privacy and he doesn’t want to picture anything in his head if he see’s something the wrong way like he doesn’t want to have thoughts in his head. I also told him that I know he’s gonna have female friends but he should be comfortable in talking to them in front of me. Also he doesn’t let whoever female friends he’s talking to know that he has a girlfriend like should I be worried? Sometimes I wanna hit up the girls number and find out what’s going on between them and if they know he has a gf but that’s drama and I don’t like drama. I just feel that if a man has female friends then it should be boundaries. Line should never be cross. I don’t know why its so hard for a man to let a female friend know they have a girlfriend unless there is something more going on but I could be wrong but it would make me comfortable to know they know he is not single. Or maybe I’m just a lil insecure. I’m not the jealous type but I’m a female so I know what goes down when your talking to another woman’s man that you didn’t even know their in a relationship or married. What is the best advice to handle this situation. I’ve already based my concerns and he tells me that there is nothing to worry about. He is not out there looking for “sex” (lies) There isn’t another female that he is interested in (lies) He’s like don’t worry we good. I feel like he wanna have his cake and eat it too which he says he is not (lies) I clearly let him know if that’s what you want, you wanna go have sex with other people or whatever you wanna do then we shouldn’t be together because I’m not gonna be here at home and you out there doing God knows what. But he wants to be together. He had ask for his space but doesn’t want to break up. His space which he tells me is to talk to whomever he wants to talk to without me questioning him male/female and to hang out with his boys (which I allow him to do anyways). I also recently check his phone and I found out her name cause she invite him to Google hangout and that she works in the same business as me but in another location. He also save her under his phone as a dude name. How should I go about to handle this situation? I’m not that worried but a woman just needs to know something

Reply June 19, 2014, 8:53 am

Nikoli

This one for me is complicated alot , i have been with my partner for 5yrs now . I am 23 he is 43 , we get along great as friends and lovers , however , he has always been unable to keep away from other women online , i used to find nudes sent to him all the time in his email . Ok so for 2 years he was good because i said if i saw it again i was gone , but over christmas i had messages from girls like ‘oh you’re his gf , he never mentioned you’ he was speaking extremely sexual with them and it has destroyed me . So naturally i went with my threat and i did leave him , however , now this is where it gets bad . Two weeks after our break up he comes to me very upset saying he has cancer obviously i am feeling bad and i took him back but i just can’t forgive him . Everyone thinks i am a bitch because i am cold to him in his condition , but should i have to be nice and defeated just because he got sick? do i have to suffer also? .

Reply June 15, 2014, 11:52 am

CountMackula

I dont think you’re a bitch.

When you’re 43, you’ll probably be a little more like “f*ck man, this world is f*cked up I just need to enjoy myself” however that is.

Short answer No.

Elaborate answer: because it’s your m’f*ckin life. NEVER seek validation.. validate yourself.

What do you want? THAT is what you need to do. Do you love the dude or not?

As for the online stuff.. I think that is like a playground for adults and it doesnt bother me as much.

I’d rather my partner flirt around on the internet than in real life..

I am not unlike these dudes, and it is hard to dedicate yourself to just one woman and keep your flirtiness with your actual partner… the monogamy is often a boring killer but flirting outside is like “practice” and keeping your skills sharp for your lover.. as long as they don’t ACTUALLY physically cheat, I think it’s Ok.. but thats just me and I dont allow myself to succumb to the temptation like so many.

Don’t know what to tell you on the cancer part. That sucks. Nobody should “guilt you”, but if you do care about him then he is just bein honest…

Either way, you’re young and really need to capitalize on that while you’re in your 20′s and have energy every day unless you were gonna stay with this guy until the end and you’d be taken care of by him still somehow, I think at his age he should be able to understand “you gotta do what you gotta do”

But ultimately, you gotta decide what you want completely and be firm on it regardless..

Reply June 19, 2014, 9:17 am

Alexis

I love this article, because just now, I found my 3 yr boy friend was chatting and flirting with other girls on his phone and one of then sent him pictures of her private parts.

I am not like model type of girl but I keep working out and maintain a good shape. I dare say my figure is much better than the girls who sent him all the pictures. I am also flirty and oftentimes slutty with him in bedroom. Out of a mistake that I already forgive him, I was pregnant wth him once and he insisted me to have a termination. I love him too much to say no and he has been caring and sweet to me as always.

Thank you very much for the post because I believe he is type of guy with a void inside that wants to fill in with other girls’ attention. The puzzle is that, I sent him all types of porn style pictures all the time, never said no, and was creative every time. Whenever he needs me I was there to talk and make him laugh. He has had ups and downs in his life and I wonder where these girls were. Yet that’s how he repaid me. The puzzle is, as I beg your advice on this point, what more could I do to fill on that void? I know guys like nude pictures, fine, I give him. Better quality. Anytime he wants. Yet he is not satisfied. I don’t know if I should live on with that, or if guys are often searching new nudity in nature.

Of course, since the pictures and chats are ongoing, ( he even took nude picture on my bed and sent it to other girl), my worry is that he will meet those girls one day( he used to tell me he is not interested in meeting any girls he met online, and those girls he met online) and really cheat on me. Should I tolerate his little habit because I still love him and because maybe all guys r pretty much no better, or should I let him go.

Thank you very much.. I really appreciate everyone’s comment.

Reply June 13, 2014, 4:51 am

Risa

Hi I really need some advice on this ASAP before my mind starts to explode!

I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now and going and as of yesterday he told me that he wants some space (I am living with him in his mom’s house). I’m 21 and he just turn 29 this year. So before he mention about space everything was fine until he got a phone call to pick up some stuff so I asked him if I can go along for the ride he said no. I asked why I can’t go I just want to go for the ride, like all of a sudden I can’t go on a ride with my own man anymore SMH. If you just gonna to pick up some stuff and come back why can’t I go? It sounds like you have other shit plan that I don’t know of. He’s like because I’m always under him. If I want a ride I can go in my car or another time SMH. Before we used to go out often, He took me along with him sometimes when he meets his peoples. He mention that he stop letting me go out with him places long time because he feels I’m all up on him. If I was all up on him I would be around him with 24/7 not giving him any breathing space and I’m not all up in his crack cause I let him do shit. I told him that I don’t understand how I’m always under you cause we never go out like that. He rarely takes me anywhere. If we go out its like to the movies, at a club if there is a party to go, or if his cousin and his gf want to do something together other than that he always checking some homeboy and I know homeboy/s have females around them. I let him go out with his homeboys I have no problem with that all I ask from him is to let me know who he is going out with and where he is going. Because before he told me he wanted his “freedom” and I’m like freedom to do what? He just told me freedom to hang out with his boys them which I told him I let you do that anyways but I think it’s more to it. I do question him though so maybe he is tired of me from asking him alot of questions because he says that I want to always be in his business. I don’t need to know all of his friends and what not. I also recently find out that he is talking to some new people “females” to be exact. Because yes I’m someone who checks her mans phone which I know I’m not suppose to do. He also telling me that I’m always depending on him I’m like what the hell I’m always depending on you for? He’s like my car and I’m like I don’t know anything about cars because my car looks like it needs an oil change and alignment SMH I think he full of shit. He tells me that I need to find some friends and go out. I ask him how long he wants his space and he says until he doesn’t want anymore space cause I’m trying to figure out how long is it going to take. We live in the same house with his mom’s! UGH! I also found some condoms in the back of his car from moving it before I head out. I told him that I’m going to respect your decision and give you your space. I ask him about the condoms which he told me his cousin friend give it to him and I’m like who friend which he told me I never met them. So I ask is it a man or a female he said female. I’m like why is a female giving you condoms which he tells me I know how people is and blah blah blah. I questioned him about his space cause I wanted to know what his intentions are. I ask him is he want space to go out and have sex with females because I just found some condoms in your car so whats up with that. He’s like no nothing to do with that he just want to clear his mind. I asked if I can throw away the condoms and he said yea. I’ve asked him 2 times if he want to be single sometime last year and sometime this year he said no. All I ask him is to tell me the truth and just be honest don’t lie to me cause he lie for the simplest of shit. He ask for his space imma give him that idk how to operate because we both live in the same house and I don’t have any other place to go I’m working on getting my own place. Idk I’m going to stop questioning him all the time cause I guess he feels some type of way about me asking him questions. I just ask because I care and I do love him. I don’t expect for him to go out and cheat on me if that’s the case let me know what’s up cause I’m just not gonna sit around and you want to have your cake and eat it too SMH. I just need some advice on this so I can have a clear head about everything.

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:02 am

Risa

And also he went out last night yesterday to pick up stuff (weed) which he told me that he would be back. It’s 8 something in the morning and his ass is not home yet?! I’ve called both his phones no answer. I left him a text on both his phones saying that “I notice that you didn’t get home yet you never be out this late so I’m just worried and hope your ok or if he is on his way” I also text him that I’m not trying to bother him cause prior from him telling me he want space but I told him this is ridiculous cause he tell me he going out to do one thing and I hope he is not doing something that he shouldn’t be doing I love him and bye. I just think it’s highly disrespectful. He knows I don’t like that shit. All he gotta do is text me to let me know he is ok so I don’t worry myself. I think imma have another conversation on what he really wants and if he wants to be in a relationship cause I don’t get it. You tell me you want space you go out and you aint home yet no uh! Something is up and I’ll be dam to be a fool I just need to get my shits together and move the hell out

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:31 am

CountMackula

HI.

I read everything you said.

Sounds frustrating.

Bottomline is, any relationship can deteriorate… when both partners aren’t in it to win it.

I prefer to skip focus on blamegames and go right for the constructive.

The $ million question?

What do you want?

Are you getting that?

I think the dude is lucky to have a woman like you.. I always think dudes are lucky to have a woman that actually wants to be with him and it blows my mind every time… however, I don’t want to speculate on what else some random dude I don’t know is doing when you’re not around, I think you have to really decide if what you currently have is really what you want..

Because women have a lot of options of men to date, we all do really.

Some dudes do things to frustrate their woman intentionally to show her his dominance.. some dudes have this “im a balla I should have all the women in the world” complex and some are just straight up liars and are never gonna commit to nothing nor be honest.. thats why they say you cant change people

I have learned a bit about how my words can sometimes be misconstrued as blameful, I am not saying shit is your fault
..
This is a case simply of, are you getting what you want and also, it seems you are more “invested” in this relationship.

If you start a new one, look to keep a balance of investment
Look to screen new partners up front, before you commit more and more..

Itll be ok, you’re only 21, a LOT of shit has happened in my life since 21, you’ll find your strength

I do feel you should find a few solid woman friends

Realistically, you should probably just drop this dude.. but you can try “letting him come to you”, however, it is unfortunate I feel, that a lot of relationship behaviors have to be established at the get go

You are not wrong though, you are just too far invested versus him… I have to go but I hope my words or someone elses here are helpful in some way

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:47 am

Risa

Thank you I will take this into consideration and do some deep thinking since he old me about his space I’m just gonna do my own thing and go out more with some friends of mines I also decided to switch my hours to night because like I stated before we live in the same house and I’m working on getting my own place hopefully by the end of the year. He finally came home round mins to 9 I haven’t spoken with him not am I going to ask him anything. He tried to talk to me saying Babes! But I’m not haven’t that . His cousin of his text me that they went out last night I’m like ok that’s kool I’m just gonna focus on myself and just do what I got to do to get out of this situation. Cause your right even though he is 29 I would expect to get his shit together because he turning 30 next year . I’ll give him his time of need imma just try to stay away from him from time to time maybe I’ll just plan to go in a cruise or something I need a breather lol but Thank you for advice I’ve been shedding tears because it hurts you know but I know you gotta let people go but in this case we live together so imma just have to make some changes.

Reply June 9, 2014, 3:08 pm

kiana

And p.s. He comes home every night no numbers in his phone..none of that.he treats me nice..but he’s addicted to porn and pics of famous women .He’s moved out ten different times..I just feel like he think he can do better. He won’t marry me…but claims he’s in love with me…I just need to figure out what’s in this guy’s head…..is he stringing me along…..every year he seems to mature but it’s always something. …today he said at work “me him and another chick (coworker) should go out to eat..I’m like wtf….why say crap you know angers me..he’s always playing around with all the women at work teasing them commenting makin me look like a damn fool…I’m at my Witts end

Reply May 31, 2014, 8:44 pm

kiana

Dilemma…my boyfriend of six years started working at my job and I specifically asked him to steer clear of chicks there so there would be drama.well since him working there he’s gotten one chicks phone number (while we was broken up) and he brought another chick he liked some clothes and shoes (while we were together)…now I’m not innocent I flirt sometimes too much and go to far (no sex) but my boyfriend is so thirsty when it comes to other women always seeking approval and acceptance..he’s albino and not attractive. So I deal with it because I love him..but he keeps over stepping his boundaries and I get sad and fustrated.he told me “that’s just how he is.a friendly person etc etc etc etc” what should I do???????????

Reply May 31, 2014, 8:38 pm

Claire Bosworth

Hi, basically it would be really great to get a mans opinion on my relationship please. I have been on and off in a relationship for over a year. At first things were great and I was happy, he is a very dominate man. Anyway after a month of first being in a relationship he freely gave me his FB password, I was a little surprised and I never asked for it. After a week I thought heck I’d look into it and founds hundreds of conversations with other women in a very sexual nature even after we were in a relationship and I got angry and broke up with him. After a week I talked to the people around me and they said he obviously wanted to show me for a reason and I agreed and got back with him. He said he stopped and I believed him and began to trust him again, unfortunately I discovered he had not stopped at all and had been lying to me but I was prepared to just accept it as him being him. Then he got very close with a girl who lived in the same town as him and was Skyping her on cam and phoning her etc. I made the mistake of spying on his facebook so I was reading everything as he was writing it all. It all got too much for me and I broke up with him, however he would not stop bombarding my phone with calls and texts saying he loves me. I did get back with him and he stopped talking to her. I realise this may seem petty right now. Any who he continued with other women online regularly and it did eat at my insecurities but I was doing my best to strengthen myself to not let it bother me. As time went on the arguments increased, one time he insisted I message my old best friend(a girl) if she fancied him and I got really cross and said no. He asked me several times to message her asking if she liked him and it made me feel low, I got very angry and hung the phone up on him in the end. He rang me phone tons of times and I got my best friends boyfriend to answer the phone to him telling him I don’t want to talk to him and my boyfriend started telling him I have erratic mood swings and telling him about me being abused in my childhood, my friends had no idea. Anyway he said he was asking me to ask her, so that if she did he could show me he only wanted me not anyone else.

I was very angry at him after that and didn’t talk to him, I eventually answered the phone after a few days and he told me he found my childhood interesting and that I deserved it. Later on he admitted to saying things like that to get me out of my mood swing.

I have had some issues a lot of times where I try and leave the room when I feel angered or upset by him and he won’t let me leave, he will stand in the door way, pull me forcefully back, lie on top of me for as long as it takes me to promise I will not leave the room to get away from him.

He said it’s cos he’s scared to lose me. I have a son, who is very young but not a baby and he has been a great guy around him and taught him well. My baby’s father was an abusive relationship, so his biological father doesn’t get to see him due to social services. My son thinks my boyfriend is his father but we had a bad incident in February where we had a row and he wouldn’t let me leave the room and forced me down and I was suffocating, he got off of me quickly and apologised, he was in a very strange mood he wasn’t kind to my son (didn’t physically hurt him) but my boyfriend said things like ‘I am going to tell your son about his dad” “I am going to message the child’s father and give him your home address” then he pulled off my trousers and tried to forcibly unwantedly touch me down there, I had to kick him in the face 3 times to get him off of me, he rang his own mother for me to talk to for help, his mum was shocked and helped me. Anyway we broke up and everyday day he would ring my phone at least twice a day, sometimes roughly 40 times a day and after 2 months he continued and never answered until he started sending me emails, I did reply, probably very silly of me I know. But he wants to change and make things better, he has just begun counselling and is going to go on anger management courses and depression courses. I have seen him a few times since and it has been pretty good minus a few minor blips.

He is very caring, kind, helpful, makes me laugh and he is very generous most of the time, we seem to fit really well together and have so much in common. Makes me feel very happy when things are going rather well. Sometimes I feel lucky to have him in lots of ways. He pushes me to do well, pushes me to study my theory for driving and encourages me to do well. He has suggested couples therapy to help deal with our issues. I myself have had a whole year of counselling and that finished, so I don’t massively need it anymore, I am a lot stronger.

He is also an alcoholic but has quit alcohol for nearly 3 weeks now and he also has a gambling addiction.

So my main question, do you think he can really change the abusive behaviour or is it all for show?

Do you think he is unfaithful?

And do you think I am just too sensitive and need to look at things in a different perspective?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, thank you :)

Reply May 22, 2014, 6:48 pm

dede

wait, so he pins you down and tries to suffocate you and rape you, but hes kind and caring? He obviously needs help, but so do you. Get away from this man before he kills you in a crimeof passion.

Reply October 14, 2014, 4:50 pm

Mackula

This sounds very serious. That’s not to insinuate anyone else’s situation here isn’t serious, it’s just to say I would recommend professional assistance where available. There is no real shame in asking for help.

As for your questions

So my main question, do you think he can really change the abusive behaviour or is it all for show?

I think he can, but he has to choose to. Based on what I read, past history does not sound like he has been ready to do so. Personally I feel you should have ended it on the first breakup, and that is not intended to blame you for any of this, that’s not the case, I just want to highlight that moving forward in future relationships, something that is “breakup worthy” is usually crossing your boundaries and that is where you should learn from this on your end (the only part within your control) to recognize in the future to end things at that point having a zero tolerance for this. Some people will push and push and push to see what they can get away with and you shouldn’t have to spend your life micromanaging another adult when there are almost infinite options in partners out there to choose from. Personally, I feel this relationship should have ended a long time ago and that does not mean you don’t care about each other it just means that this relationship doesn’t work for you both. I respect that he drives you to achieve and that is great however, ultimately you will need to do that yourself as will he need to make those changes in his life, for himself. Sometimes when past events outweigh everything, going separate ways is an opportunity for a new beginning for both parties, a clean slate with a new partner that does not have a troubled past.. it is a good, positive thing for both and in some ways, by finding new lives and partners away from an unfortunate relationship can actually be something you both do that is actually good for one another and therefor, indirectly caring for one another by proactively giving each other a fresh start.

Do you think he is unfaithful?

If you go to new relationships, this is not a constructive question. Knowing that only clouds the scenario further. Based on the story above I don’t feel so, but it’s impossible to know and he may just have an appetite for women that he does not have under control. I just wish more people who feel the need to explore the dating world would remain single while they shop around because it is more honest with less consequences. Easier said than done.

And do you think I am just too sensitive and need to look at things in a different perspective?

I think it is always good to attempt to see other peoples’ perspective, when you have time to, however, you have needs, food, water, sleep, exercise, shelter, transportation, income as does your son and those you need to prioritize over dating.

Know what you want and accept nothing less. Most people know how it feels to want a relationship to work and care about someone and not wanting to lose that but you should trust your gut, your heart and your mind all three and a new start may be in order.

I also highly recommend to people getting out of relationships to spend up to 6 months single when possible to develop or redevelop a sense of independence before dating again.

Ultimately you should attempt to train yourself to
know what you want
and then it becomes easier to ignore and reject those things that are counterproductive to your goals.

This is my personal perspective and I hope even if there are people who disagree that it is either helpful in some way or you find your path in this great world we have.

Reply October 14, 2014, 8:49 pm

nusrat

Hi I’ve been married 4 almst 4 years I’ve read my husband sexual chats with other woman he doesn’t meet up with them but he speaks bad about me wit these woman I’ve tried giving into him 4 every thing he does we have 2 kids and yest he puts his sex chats with other woman 1st before he even takes note of the kids he can never look after the kids 4 even a minute he is even on many sexual site I don’t know what to do anymore but wen ever I see his on these sites I would get so upset with him nd can’t help to confront him it’s really sickening coz y would he want to be with me nd stil fantasize about other women

Reply May 9, 2014, 12:18 pm

CountMackula

Hi.

I understand you are upset about this situation. I try to offer advice. Attempt to take most of what I say literally here and not to read into it too much.

I try to steer women to look at actions over words because many women get jealous over us men communicating with other women but I personally feel as long as we CHOOSE not to act upon it, it is ok. More often I see the complaints about the communication but I feel this one hits close to home from a relationship I had many years ago and partners ago.

It is more complicated even because you have children.

Also, I know nothing here about his past, nor do I want to explore either of your pasts.

The best I can tell you is, to decide what you want and what is most important. It is not uncommon for attraction to fade amongst partners.

So, what are your choices?

Leave him? Maybe, but first:

I don’t have kids, but feel if I did I would put them first. My parents always did though, so that varies. I’ve helped a gf or 2 raise a few kids. It is a major challenge, no doubt. Essentially, I would advise you to consider what is the best for your children. Does he provide for them an opportunity for a better future? If so, consider some options.

First, you need confidence. Obviously, something like this is a total confidence blow. I met a woman with 3 kids last night who is getting a divorce from a 13 year marriage she said was with the only man shed ever been with and he was cheating with 4 women.

I’ve seen and heard a lot.

What I would recommend is to find 2 or 3, strong confident women friends. You don’t have to make immediate changes like divorce or separation. Just attempt to emotionally detach a bit and find any way possible to get some space. Going to the gym is huge if possible or some sort of regulat exercise.

If you want to actually work things out with this guy, you’ll need to find a way to draw his interest back and find the chemistry you once had. Time apart to reflect helps. Focusing on yourself helps. Building your confidence and your body helps. If you must, use some jealousy to wake his arse up.

If you feel you’re not going to want to work things out, all of those advices still would be a good plan. Find a few solid strong personality women friends. Exercise. Build confidence. Look to separate emotionally.

Nothing like this is easy.

Also, as a man, and also as an experienced dater as well as a casual observer, one of the things we do to show our dominance is to not allow women to boss us around. I’ll be roasted by many women for this comment, as it is often perceived as “blaming women” but, many women won’t date and sleep with men who are “doormats” and “pushovers” to use their own words. How do you not be those? Disobey women’s complaints, orders and ultimatums. Essentially, not “listen” to women and “ignore” her ideas.

So, for him to stop the stuff you don’t want him to do is to defer to a woman. My goal is to debunk the negative side that it is to blame a woman but to instead attempt to empower women that they should not reward this behavior.

Easier said than done. However, complaints are common and this is what so many men refer to as “nagging”. Also us men, our friends roast us for listening to women. “Oh you’re not allowed to watch porn cuz your wife runs the show”.. that’s the clean version.. but maybe you get the idea.

The bottomline is, nothing matters… except:
What do you want?

Decide what you want?
Tell him what you want and if he doesn’t give it to you then you have very hard decisions to make.

However, the best policy is to reward positive behavior and NOT crack down, but ignore the crappy behavior.

Don’t even look on your computer to see what he is doing and saying.

Give him the steering wheel to your relationships future.. LET him steer the fate. Decide that if he doesn’t make the steps towards being a real leader in your family, you will not reward him with a silver platter.

A few constructive ideas.

Only cook him food if he sits down with you and your children for dinner. Otherwise, just cook for them and eat on your own. I’d skip the computer to sit down to a grand meal.

I don’t have all the answers and nobody is always right. However, this thing is one sided and you need to tip the scales a bit in your favor.

Also, you will need to consider and prepare yourself mentally, for your children, if the final result will be that you will leave him.

Don’t rush but you must respect yourself and don’t get caught up in arguments. Learn to walk away and get space to yourself.

Reply May 9, 2014, 8:07 pm

Patty123

My boyfriend is one year younger than me, we have been datin for 3 months buts it feels longer. we have broken up atlest 4 times. last night he got on his fb on my phone to check his “inbox” .. he was talking to his “best friend ” who is a girl. he didnt know that my phone was about to die and he didnt log out on time. this morning i found my charger and i went to facebook and i was stilll loged on to his. i go tru his inbox and i start going tru their messeges from 2 weeks ago. he told her he liked her even befor me and she liked him too. he was askin her if they could ever have a chance as a couple and she said maybe. he told her he would have picked her over me if he knew b4 we started datein ….
this mad me so sad i cried.
i dont feel like i can trust him anymore :(

Reply March 3, 2014, 9:08 am

k

This was very helpful. Thanks

Reply February 19, 2014, 12:28 am

Shirley

Thanks for this post! It’s very insightful and useful. The comments here also provide valuable, inspiring advice.

Reply February 8, 2014, 10:47 pm

Addys

I agree that It may be your own insecurities that are making you feel like it’s YOUR fault he flirts with other women and I agree that you should try to understand him more. HOWEVER, I DISAGREE in that you I don’t think you should just accept it and move on. If you don’t like it, talk to him about it and ask him to RESPECT you because it’s about RESPECT and respecting your partner, i.e. just because he wants attention from women doesn’t make it okay to have those conversations. BTW isn’t it just HIS OWN INSECURITIES in the first place that make him seek flirtatious conversations with women in the first place as a form of self-validation or ego-boost? And isn’t this sort of need, the need to boost your own ego, what causes a LOT of men to cheat in the first place? Some men cheat because they need self-validation or an ego-boost from women, do you want his pride to take him THAT far? Or are you willing to talk to him about it and walk away (like the author said) if he doesn’t respect you. You better leave him ALONE for a week or two and see if he comes back if he disagrees to respect you.

Peace xoxo

Reply October 23, 2013, 2:37 pm

Dazz

I actually like this answer better than the author’s. He’s almost excusing this behavior. It should be about respect.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:50 pm

Gina83

I discovered few days ago that my boyfriend has been flirting with a woman online. He was so quick to hand out his mobile numbers and they had a major flirting session. I confronted him and he basically told me im a drama queen and he cant have such drama in his life. He really made me out to be this paranoid insecure woman. So now ive told him since he has set the standard for our relationship, i will also be calling men by pet names and handing out my numbers. But honestly, who wants that kind of relationship? Ive never been the kind of girlfriend to just flirt around and hand out my number. But I just feel he needs to see what kind of impact such behavior has on a partner.

Note: we are in a long distance relationship.

Reply October 18, 2013, 8:53 am

niaz

i like ur comments.

Reply June 6, 2014, 8:42 am

Kelly

When a man sits there and ask a barmaid about her sex life and what she does in th e bedroom is that flirting? , or is his way of feeling desired , accepted and fulfilled even though nothing happens between them . I ask this because after 20 years of marriage to a man who was verbally and mentally abusive I am new to the dating scene . Even though I had dated this man 32 years ago I feel a little uneasy . Wasnt sure what he was doing or trying to prove or if he just wanted my reaction .

Reply September 27, 2013, 6:48 pm

CountMackula

I’d say it is flirting. It is an indirect way of expressing sexual interest.

Many women are aren’t extremely accepting of our direct ways and feel more comfortable having sexual conversations than just “Hey girl, lemme hit that” Many women also have heard direct sexual propositions so many times that they may find it more interesting to see different approaches.

Depending on the dude it may also be beating around the bush unless he is screening for your tastes in the bedroom. For example, if I love oral sex and ask you if you like it and you said, “eww gross, I hate it”, then I would be pursuing a woman that doesn’t like to perform an act I desire.

I think more experienced daters learn their tastes and screen more for what they want and are less “awed” by the potential mate. When you’ve dated a bunch, you have experienced variety and if you’re looking for a person you’re interested in buy also want good sex, you learn to screen for stuff.

The most crucial element is “know what you want”, have some items that are absolute NOs, boundaries, and be willing to accept some differences to get the things you DO want but respect yourself by rejecting anyone that falls into the NO category, then stick to your guns.

Just know that nobody is perfect, so keep your lists limited to a handful of “I really want these” & “These behaviors are an automatic NO Thanks”

In regards to your previous marriage, accept it as the past and any related feelings as “baggage” or wounds as they say but do your best to not judge your new partner on your past partners’ issues.

Easier said than done, I know, but try to recognize your new partners as a fresh start and a chance to have fun. I especially recommend trying someone very different from yourself and your ex.

People often look for commonalities, but dating yourself would possibly be boring, but someone very different can be very interesting and fun… exciting even.

Just don’t forget to respect yourself by not allowing someone to treat you in a manner you feel is inappropriate and don’t rush into exclusivity until you’ve had a chance to feel someone out a bit.

When Ive been single, I am single. Therefore, I will be dating and meeting many women and I expect nothing less of women. Unless we agree to be exclusive & comitted (to each other, not an institution.. just a joke)

In review:
-Know what you want; qualify based on this criteria
-Set some boundaries; Major NoNos, reject those who do not respect your boundaries
-Accept your past as best you can so you can do your best to give new partners a fair chance
-Have fun, flirting should be fun. Talk a little smack, look for chemistry with a guy that you feel meets your wants and respects your boundaries

Reply April 16, 2014, 9:33 pm

PackingUp

Wow…having read these comments.,i. Feel less. Alone. Typing this on my phone and its going crazy. Ugh.

I’ve been wanting to leave my boyfriend for over a year. He’s younger than me and was diagnosed with MS not long after we started living together. Sinosed its become a crutch at times. Now, that’s not the reason I want to leave.

He…has lied about things in his past. Everyone has a past and they are entitled to it. However, when you lie about it and it comes to haunt youm..you should d

He slept with his friends wife when he lived with them. Lied to me about it….and said they were all friends…except he. Had told me that she would get jealous of he dated someone or brought someone home…a friend would not get jealous over that. Red flag there, right?

So one day…he stupidly leaves pics open on his computer…I walk into the room…and see them. I’m standing right behind him…he had a ton of pics of the marrfriend and what I guessed are ex’s of his. So he’s got a spank bank, fine. But…learning he lied about the married friend…well that got me
thinking what else has he lied about…

We had a huge fight about that. Wasn’t even bothered he had the pics. Was more bothered he couldn’t tell me the truth about the past. Because I’d never want to hang out with this chick, nor would I trust him to be alone with her…considered he slept with her in the same.home….where her husband is…

So…times goes by. I. Don’t forget this info…

He has few friends…joins facebook, adds a lot of old high friends…lots of girls…

He starts school and makes a new friend .yes….a girl. He starts lying about her…giving her rides to and from school.

Side note…he has MS…and doesn’t take care of himself…showering, brushing hos teeth. It’s gross. But, if he’s giving her a ride…wow he has energy to shower…but won’t when he’s going to be around anyone else.

Constantly texting her and talking through facebook.

So. I’m kind of tired it. the lies….won’t look me in the face when talking about her. And I flat out asked him, do you like her, want to be with her? Tell me, ill leave , no hard feelings.

He keeps saying, she’s too young for him. However…if he’s not into her…why the constant need to keep communication. With hermk

I don’t trust him. I feel like he’s using me and his family right now because he can’t work and he’s in school.

Reply September 17, 2013, 1:45 pm

CountMackula

Hi.
You sound frustrated.
Many can identify with similar experiences.

My main questions would be:
Are you IN love with him and if so, enough to move past the lying. Based on what you wrote, I dont feel so.

Also, most importantly, are you getting what you want?
It’s a simple question with a potential for overcomplication. Don’t itemize the relationship on this question. STEP BACK. BREATHE. Then just ask yourself if you feel, overall, this is what you want?

I don’t like telling people to always give up on relationships, but all things aside, are you in love, do you feel loved and are you getting what you want?

If no, rip the bandage off and get single long enough to reflect and heal and find yourself.
Then, decide what you want and dont and screen, up front, dudes for what you feel you want.

Take your time and do not rush into something just because you feel lonely. Choose to view “feeling sorry” for yourself as negative and taking action FOR yourself as positive.

You may just find that you are stronger than you may or may not feel you are already. Get out of your “comfort zone”

It might also be better for other parties too.
Ive been angry before at women who rejected me but in many cases Im better off and stronger because of it.

There aren’t always right and wrong answers but what you feel is best for you.

Regardless of what “friends” and family think… try to ignore any negative feedback, kill them with kindness and go get what you want.

Reply April 16, 2014, 9:48 pm

una

Yes, taking a boyfriend’s flirting and cheating personally is wrong. Confronting him about it and asking, how come such a great girlfriend as i am is not enough for him, is useless.
But the fact that he doesn’t understand himself and can’t even begin to deal with the emotions that drive him to behave like this, makes my understanding him pretty useless as well. I know, what a scared and insecure boy is behind all this womanizer mask. So what?? I could never talk to him about it, because it would scare him even more and make things worse. Plus, it’s poisoning the relationship by making him so weak in my eyes. So how can i benefit from these insights?

Reply August 13, 2013, 7:19 pm

Darcy

Well men are all cheaters by nature, nature designed them to want to stick their manhood in anything that walks including fat, skinny, other men and yes animals. The The truth is men are whore by nature. They were genetically designed this way so that they could procreate and make babies. Its called NATURE. Animals are this way to, so in a sense men are more like animals than women. To men sex is simply a physical act. It’s not special or emotionally significant its simply about getting rid of the urge and busting a nut. A man could sleep with a countless number of women and care about none of them, he just uses their bodies. All they care about is getting laid, and busting a nut. It don’t matter how beautiful a girl is or how great she is in bed a man will never truly be satisfied by one woman no matter how great she meets his needs. Why because men enjoy sleeping around it makes them feel like men. Not all men cheat there is a small number that don’t that have some have self control and respect for their woman but all of them fantasize about sleeping around and would do it if they knew they could get away with it. There is nothing wrong with men being this way because it is their nature. What upsets me is when men make false promises and pretend like they really care about you, love and act like they are committed to you. This is quite annoying because women get disappointed when they find out the men were lying and were just using those lies to get laid. Women often have trouble with men because they are designed to be nurturing and caring which is the opposite traits of the common man. Women want men to more like them and try to change a man but this is a mistake because a leopard don’t change its spots and men don’t like it when women try to change them. Most women (porn stars excluded lol) view sex as a beautiful act, as a bonding of two people, as a way to show their love for a man. So, they are really disappointed when they find out that the man they choose to be with only used them to bust a nut. It is really sad. My advice, if your a woman don’t trust any man because they incapable of any emotional feelings and never truly happy with one woman. Stay single ladies, if your in a relationship don’t let yourself develop feelings for the man. Just use men as toys, or let men buy you things, thats all they are good for. My advice to men, don’t lie to women and act like you love them, just honest tell them that your a man whore and just want to have meaningless sex only and not form a relationship.

Reply August 11, 2013, 10:31 pm

Rema

How come the recurring theme in your posts is YOU (the woman) is doing something wrong.. he’s just being a guy.
‘My boyfriend flirts with every other woman and I think I’ve done everything in my power to give him what he wants?’
Your response: “You’re the one with the problem even though he’s disrespecting you. You must better understand and accept that he flirts with everyone.”

What kind of BS advice is that? How come you never sham the guy for his wrong behavior and just blame the woman? No guy or girl likes their partner flirting with others. How come you never advise the girl to stand up for herself or to take control of the situation? Oh wait because if she does she’s ‘starting drama and no guy likes that’? If she asks where the relationship is going after 2 months of dating she’s ‘needy and pushing the guy to make a decision’. Absolute hog wash.

Some of the advice given on the site is spot on (that being said, thanks).. some of it is absolutely ridiculous.

Reply July 18, 2013, 7:20 pm

CountMackula

“Rema July 18, 2013 at 7:20 pm

How come the recurring theme in your posts is YOU (the woman) is doing something wrong.. he’s just being a guy.
‘My boyfriend flirts with every other woman and I think I’ve done everything in my power to give him what he wants?’
Your response: “You’re the one with the problem even though he’s disrespecting you. You must better understand and accept that he flirts with everyone.””

Hi Rema,

I don’t know specifically which advices you are targeting with your post but I wanted to offer some perspective on that. I saw your post before but I just returned from two awesome weeks in Italy with my amazing girlfriend (now fiancee!) and since I had limited WIFI there, I figured it could wait.

Anyway. If you specifically are pulling this from my advices, while I don’t like invalidating others’ ideas, I do feel there may be a disconnect between the message I am intending to send to the women I have responded to and your above statements. My goal is communicate to the women particularly, that it is NOT about “blame”. A submeaning, and something many “read into” is that by focusing on “her” that I’m “blaming” her. NOT my goal. My goal is to push these women to understand that it’s not about the past or present or what they are doing “right” or “wrong”. It is that life is about choices. That these women need to either accept that these men are not “changeable” and if they want to stay with him, then she’ll need to accept that he’s a cheater, he’s dishonest, that he’s a flirt, he doesn’t care about her, etc., and that she doesn’t have to choose to give him everything he wants nor accept that he’s disrespecting her. It’s to completely take her off the negative aspects of a perhaps less than desirable boyfriend that isn’t in the relationship with her and to try to get her to recognize that if she wants a higher quality man in her life, she needs to look for him. Same advice I give men who date women who don’t meet their standards,values, etc. These women aren’t coming here for “analysis” they are coming here for “advice” and help. They want solutions. They are looking for answers. They are looking to decide what to do next in their lives moving forward, etc. Men AND women often want to please their partners which is fine when you have a partner that reciprocates, but if their partners are NOT reciprocating nor respecting them then I’m trying to get the message to them that, in this world, and this society, in the time we live in, especially with unparalleled equality for women compared to the entire history of our species, women in the dating world have choice. They have options. They have power. Many do not recognize it yet.

“What kind of BS advice is that? How come you never sham the guy for his wrong behavior and just blame the woman? No guy or girl likes their partner flirting with others. How come you never advise the girl to stand up for herself or to take control of the situation? Oh wait because if she does she’s ‘starting drama and no guy likes that’? If she asks where the relationship is going after 2 months of dating she’s ‘needy and pushing the guy to make a decision’. Absolute hog wash.”

Because, what does “shamming the guy” accomplish for these women? Nothing. Absolutely ZERO. Do I agree with you that their behavior is “wrong”? Depends. I don’t feel jealousy is “wrong”. I feel it is a “human” natural emotion and not to be denied. If it is abused then it’s not good. However, I personally don’t have an issue with a little “light” flirting to introduce some jealousy in the relationships and keep them interesting. Where the line is crossed (for ME) is when it moves from talk to actions. Much like a man going to a strip club, but NOT kissing touching or sleeping with the strippers, and instead returning home to his woman, turbocharged and ready to give her good loving, or a group of women going to watch “Magic Mike” and having some drinks in the club, but then going home to their loving spouse, I feel that it’s not harmful for men and women to talk and flirt with men and women, as long as they are faithful. However, not everyone agrees with me on that one. This varies from post to post because women on her post very specific and intimate details that vary and “generalizing” all advices and grouping them together as one simple advice “theme” just doesn’t work.
You mention advising them to “stand up for herself” or “take control of the situation”. Well, if you read the individual entries, as I do prior to responding, 3 separate times on 3 separate days to reduce potential for my personal life to interfere and be able to fully concentrate on tailoring a specific response to each woman that I feel might be useful for her, then you’d see that many of these women have already taken stands and in many of their cases, the only option left for them to “take control” of the situation is to leave the guy and move on. Many aren’t ready to do that because they don’t have the confidence. So, bashing the dude doesn’t give them confidence, it’s “negative” and not helpful. Focusing on her, her options, her feelings, and looking to help her recognize that she must take control of HER OWN life to live the life she wants to and if he isn’t a catalyst to her achieving what she wants out of life then she is investing time and emotion in a man who isn’t getting her message. In many cases, their choice should be to get space and in some of the cases to move on and look for men that fit better.

Men face similar challenges, because we have women that we find attractive but do not share our core values and goals and we have to also learn (unfortunately often through trial and error of poor and failed relationships) that not every person we are are attracted to physically is a good match for us. Much of these behaviors can be screened out prior to investing into longer term relationships but many do not do that up front. In this world and this time, respect from others comes from respecting ourselves and part of that is recognizing that people will often treat us the way we *allow* them to. Yes, I can see how that feels like blame, but it’s often not. It’s about accepting and rejecting behaviors from partners. It’s about learning about ourselves and what we are and are not OK with and then sticking to those and rejecting people who do not respect those boundaries.

If you still disagree, that’s OK. We all have different perspectives, experiences and are at different points in our lives so many will have experiences that others have not yet or never will experience.

“Some of the advice given on the site is spot on (that being said, thanks)..”

Hopefully you mean mine, but if you don’t… I honestly don’t give a shit

“some of it is absolutely ridiculous.”

Hopefully you mean mine because I like challenges… just kidding, honestly, I still don’t give a shit. I’ve just dated a lot and look to share my own perspectives.

Reply August 1, 2013, 8:25 pm

Eric Charles

Rema – there’s a running theme in your comments… you don’t like it when I say that something falls on the woman’s shoulders.

I’ll elaborate a bit here, but I wrote an article too that I think will clear things up.

I coach guys also and you’d be amazed… when I tell guys that they need to do certain things or take responsibility for certain things, some of the guys fight me and say, “What? You make it sound like guys have to do all the work and the woman doesn’t have to do anything! This is BS!!”

The fact is: you cannot control anyone but yourself. That is why I talk about what the woman can do to improve her situation… blaming the man for not doing something doesn’t accomplish anything.

Now yes, of course, in a relationship it’s expected that the guy needs to show up and put in effort. But **I** wasn’t the one who chose that guy (that guy who’s not putting in the effort)… she chose him… she’s the one who wants to make it work and at the moment, it isn’t… so in lieu of giving inane, sloppy dating advice like “he’s not that into you” or “leave him!”, I talk about what she could to proactively improve the situation…

Of course, if you really want to see why I write why she needs to take action is in this article here, entitle: “Ask a Guy: Why Is it Always The Girl’s Fault?”

=> http://www.anewmode.com/dating-relationships/dating-advice-girls-fault/

Reply October 12, 2013, 1:34 pm

Dazz

I couldn’t agree more. This last advise is absolutely ludicrous. Women always have to play the fixer upper or we lose.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:52 pm

Tayler

Dear Eric,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for little over a year and so far things have been okay. We have had our fights, but what relationship hasn’t. Lately though i have contemplating about leaving him because of his flirtacious nature with other girls. I have found facebook messages and texts of him giving his phone number away as soon as he is even introduced to a girl. And there has been other times where his “flirting” has bothered me, but recently there was an incident that makes me think that he is a cheater. Now i am already an insecure sometimes needy girlfriend and i have been trying to change for myself because i hate being naurotic. Well the incident happened about 2 weeks ago, he was hanging out with his friends, one who is a known cheater of his girlfriend, and his was this guy his girlfriend and another old friend, they all know eachother from highschool. Well i didnt say too much when he told me he was hanging out with her but a couple days later i found texts from her to him that read “I’m sorry, you were turning me on so much, I just have a boyfriend blah blah blah” My boyfriend sent back “its okay boo, just call me when you don’t have a boy” and then she started to stammer in her texts and was like ” oh nvm ill just shut up” and my boyfriend wrote” no no its okay the feeling is mutual” and now as far as i know they havn’t talked since. Well i confronted him and he didnt really get upset he just say he doesn’t know why any of that was said and that it was probably just to make you not feel bad, and then further explained when i questioned him that he doesn’t know why she was turned on by him, he really didn’t ask, and that he barely even looked at her blah blah, and i asked him about the “feeling is mutual” part and he said that he took it as the feeling is mutual that neither of us were offended for w.e reason and the whole “call me when you dont have a boy” was just so that she would feel comfortable talking to him without feeling guilty about her feelings for him. Now this all sounded good reasonable, but still i have my doubts. My friends are telling me to leave him, and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:33 am

Count Mackula

Whoa!! Sounds like you may have a genuine “player” on your hands.

Ok. Enough with the jokes. Speaking of jokes, this guys commitment level is a question mark.

People have different perspectives and I’m of the opinion that jealousy is healthy in relationships, as long as not acted upon.

Also, there are two sides to look at:
1.him
2.you

Lets start with #2, you. You wrote some things about him that are sticking points, dealbreakers, red flags etc, which many people dont like because its “negative” but I just think it’s “realistic”. However, you didn’t talk as much about you and ultimately, it’s your life. So the million dollar question is: What do you want? You want that guy but you want him to yourself, it sounds.

How can a woman accomplish this? She can A) Be such a badass girlfriend that he doesn’t even consider other women, B) Ultimatum him nonstop that she’ll walk.

I choose “a” all day because Im a straight up man.

The question is, does A or B even matter if you have a boyfriend who *really* doesn’t care about you? If he’s just a player out for sex & not willing to change, you are NOT going to change him by staying with him and giving him your best. Its called self respect and you must respect yourself if you want others to.
Likely, if you keep giving ultimatums he’ll just keep ignoring, hiding it and maybe cheat more.

If, based on what you’ve told us, you seem to have found a loser. He either never cared about you or thought he did but after getting closer changed his mind but doesnt want to lose you. Also, some draw their “confidence” from their partner and often dont even know it, which is why they have none when they are single, instead of generating confidence internally, and will lean on their current partner for confidence while slutting,I mean, reaping the benefits of the confidence their partner provides to meet new partners that they would not have otherwise possibly had access to.

This is a “want their cake and eat it too” scenario. They want to string you along while weighing their options.

Again, back to you. What type of relationship do you want? What type of partner do you want? etc.

If you want a committed relationship, this might not be the right guy for you.

You have to decide though.

Not your gfs, not me. Just you.

You need to look inside yourself and decide “Is this the life I want?”

Reply July 14, 2013, 1:42 pm

Tayler

But if he was cheating, why would he stay for over a year if he doesn’t care, nor is committed to me. I guess with our relationship, he does care, I go to meet his best friends, i hang out with them all the time, right now he does live with me and we are working on making the best of it. I guess I am just trying to decipher if he really is cheating or if he is just a dumbass and actually believes that his responses are innocent. To him he doesn’t see himself flirting, it just comes natural, and the weird part is nothing seems to come from these girls, this is the only one that i have doubts on. All the other scenarios he has never called them baby or babe or beautiful or sexy nothing like that at all, it usually just sarcastic jokes and then they ask him to hang out and he says no. I don’t know what to make of that, I know he loves me, but how can i just leave him when i don’t know for sure. I’m really very confused. Thank You

Reply July 15, 2013, 9:51 am

CountMackula

Why would he stay?!

Why would he go?

If you let him do whatever he wants & still have his way with you, that’s your choice. I’m not telling you you are right or wrong. If you feel it with him then it is your life.Then you have to accept that he is that way & learn to not let it bother you & focus on what you get out of the relationship and just “be happy” about that. Essentially, “turning a blind eye” and just going with, “he is with me so thats all that matters to me”.

But you set your own threshold of tolerance in this life.

Listen. It is obvious you care.

My goal here is to not sway your perspective. It is to break you free a bit emotionally from the situation.

Some people will test you to see how much you’ll let them get away with and if you just allow it, they keep going.

A devious test from you would be to embrace it and “play” like you think it’s hot and elude to a threesome. He might spill more info.

But. Then, youre playing games.

Trust me. Ive never cheated on a woman in my life and have dated ALOT.

Ive dumped & been dumped.

Alot of dudes(and women too sometimes) want “harems”, where they have multiple partners with sex on tap.They’ll have one main squeeze but multiple side partners.

There are people who are open to this idea. I personally am not offended by the concept. It’s great fun. The problem is where people are not direct and honest about it.

When you care and “fall in love” youre vulnerable.Which is OK, with a decent human being but if you have a dishonest mate, youre being walked all over.

What CAN happen (Im not saying it is this case) is that a person can become codependent and because of this, theyll justify anything because they care.

My parents have been married about 35 years. There is a certain level of codependency, but they respect each other so it works.

Anyway. I been there. Where you are. It sucks and I choer I couldnt allow that and moved forward. Just look for a little space to reflect.

Back away a bit and let him show you his commitment level.

Reply July 15, 2013, 10:24 am

Annoyed

CountMackula-
Seeking some man advice… My boyfriends friend (girl) has really disrespected me and our relationship. She used to send him nude pictures, and questionale emails and texts. We broke up in the past because of this type of stuff, and when getting back together he promised me it was all going to end. He was no longer going to talk to this friend anymore.

Come to find out that was never the case, he’s lied to my face about talking to her still. He swore for an entire argument that I was crazy, he hadn’t talked to her, blah blah…The only way he confessed is because I showed him the phone bill, and emails (I really didn’t want to stoop that low). Things I felt were going great between us and this just threw me waaay off. This was the one person I didn’t want to have to deal with in our relationship anymore. We argued and argued about this, to no compromise or conclusion. But he still emails her.

Not sure what to think of this. Any advice? I appreciate it!

Reply June 10, 2013, 10:27 pm

Eric Charles

Your boyfriend’s friend disrespected you… ?

I don’t think she’s the problem here…

I don’t come away with the impression that if this “disrespectful friend” was gone, you’d have a picture-perfect boyfriend…

Just saying.

Reply June 10, 2013, 11:57 pm

Annoyed

Eric,

And you are absolutely correct. It’s clear she is not the root of my issue, I’m just not sure where to go with this anymore. He doesn’t see it as a big deal, and I’m not ok with being lied to.

Reply June 11, 2013, 12:19 am

Eric Charles

Hmmm… do you think, when you ask yourself really honestly, that he wants the kind of relationship that you want?

I’m not trying to lead your answer one way or another, but if you had to choose a yes or no here, which would it be?

Reply June 11, 2013, 1:17 am

Annoyed

That’s a tough one… There’s so much more to that than just a yes or no. We live together, we have a “family” unit. We have years of history together. I’d like to believe that we’ve built something special together and worth fighting for. Deep down I want to say yes, he does want the same kind of relationship that I would like to work torward. I just don’t know if something like this ever changes, is it me being “crazy, insecure and over reacting”? Or is it him? I mean he says I make him lie about this situation. In my eyes lying creates much more drama than being honest, and more importantly it eats away at trust. How do I learn to trust him, if I decide to continue?

June 11, 2013, 2:26 am

Count Mackula

Dear author: Eric Charles: Thank you for allowing my posts and perspective and for providing a place for women to seek out advice.
Ladies, any differences in advice between myself and Mr. Charles are simply his perspective and my perspective and I’m not looking to start a debate with him or anyone, just simply to offer my perspective.
———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
CountMackula-
“Seeking some man advice…”

OK

“My boyfriends friend (girl) has really disrespected me and our relationship.She used to send him nude pictures, and questionale emails and texts.”

My perspective on “friends” of the opposite sex in relationships has changed over the years. I don’t recommend partners that don’t maintain friends of their same sex. I think in the longest lasting relationships, the man/husband has 2-3 close man friends/homies/BFFs that he does his man shit with and the woman/wife also has a circle of 2-3 close woman/girls/BFFs that she does girl shit with. If he hasn’t told her to stop sending them, then he likes it, but this isn’t very “responsible”. Also, if he hasn’t, then “technically” she’s doing it by free will and not by his request and out of his control (plausible deniability, .. pretty convenient) Conversely, many men don’t consider this type of stuff “cheating” because it’s not “physical” action, just words and photographs… and not touching, kissing, or sex (I don’t necessarily disagree with that standpoint, even though, yes I know, sending the stuff is technically actions, but not involving a meetup and physical touching, so this is something you need to decide for yourself how you view this). This type of interaction is where it’s just exciting and interesting and not “emotional”, necessarily and not pursued.. it is just flirting for fun (However, my opinion is, with the internet and the ease of availability of free porn, it seems less necessary, but to each their own and I have communicated flirtaciously {that a word?} with women during my relationship with my girlfriend now, but I have NOT acted upon it). Many men invalidate (suppress) their emotions to the point where they are almost humanless robots, because the “world of men” tries to teach each other via peer pressure/social influence that EMOTIONS=WEAK, only strong men will succeed and if you’re NOT strong, then by default, you are weak. We are torn when it comes to relationships because, if we love our women, women will say we’re sweet but men will say we are a pussy. If we don’t love our women, men will say we are strong but our women will say we are assholes/non commital/etc. It’s enough to make your head explode and it’s really caring what other people think, so to me, the ultimate male does not give a fuck 100% what anyone else thinks about him, he does what he wants. So if he loves his woman, then that’s what the fuck he does, but many men are afraid of looking “soft” in front of other men. Also, more experienced daters have seen the gambit of dishonest things that other men and lots of other women do and have been burned badly in the past and have emotional baggage and bitterness or they think “well, everyone else is doing it”/”can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em”. They now have a sort of “fuck it” attitude about relationships.. I know how that one feels. For me, I’ve historically maintained casual and friendly relationships with past girlfriends, flames, and even one night stands. Many I see around and will be still friendly or flirtatious. However, my perspective has changed on that one too. Now, if there’s a breakup: IT’S OVER. That’s it. One relationship in particular changed my perspective there, via experience. The same relationship changed my perspective on one other aspect though for me, related to the subject above. Doing what your woman “tells you to do” and I changed this behavior. One SMALL example is, I deleted Skype off my phone because she claimed I was using it to Skype my ex girlfriend (who lived 900 miles away in Florida) and yes, on occasion, I talked to the chick, but like once in a blue moon and mostly a “how are ya” kind of way, the girl taught me just about everything I know about nutrition, she’s a valuable friend. Sure, she’s an ex lover, but for me, it’s easy to just say “no” to cheating and separate those feelings. The other girl is my ex now too, but I was ready to take it all the way with her. I “made” the changes for her.. but you know what? She lost all respect for me and ended up cheating on me and going back to her daughters’ father. Her life, her choice. The point is, there’s a stereotype that “men don’t listen”. Essentially meaning, men don’t take orders, or especially not from women. They do something because either it NEEDS to be done, or because they WANT to, not because a woman or another person told them to. So, while there is a sort of weird world of people who pretend not to literally hear other people, the real deal comes down to “following orders”. The idealogy is, men don’t take orders, they give them. So, many men believe, if they do what other people say, then they are weak. However, that means you have a whole world of men trying to “be a boss” (and many will resort to violence and intimidation to gain control and boss). It is a male chauvinistic line of thinking. Essentially, that a man is the boss and the woman serves him. Therefore, any man that serves him, essentially also acts like a woman. I think this creates an unfortunate situation in the world: Too many chiefs, not enough indians. These are the roots of men’s arguments about double standards and women not knowing “what they want”. A woman will say “I want a man who is honest and respects my feelings”, but she dates the man who lies to her, cheats on her, and invalidates her feelings. Many women reward these guys with sex after acting this way and those men learn via reward system to be a menace to society. The “dating community” theorize this is called “pre-selection”, in that women want men who are desired by other women. I can see that point, but I think it’s more rooted in that women, from a societal standpoint, have only enjoyed “freedom” for a few decades, which is only a generation or two, versus thousands of years of not having those freedoms and only the current generation and a bit of the last have really enjoyed that freedom. Even many women in their late 20′s to 30′s grew up with mothers/fathers and grandmothers/grandfathers who were raised in societies where men are the boss and women are not. Also, that’s only in America and some foreign countries. In certain countries, women are treated VERY poorly still and have no freedoms, so modern women coming into adulthood are paving the paths of the next generations. OK. I wrote you a novel on that topic, but essentially, you must decide two things. 1. Do you honestly consider this cheating? Does the fact that he hasn’t met up with her and done anything physically {he hasn’t, right?}, do you truly feel that is cheating? Only you can answer that for you. For me, I think this way, “my girlfriend is going to talk to men she meets in the world. It is inevitable. Some may be harmless and friendly, but most will be wanting to fuck her. I’m OK with her being social, as long as when it comes to intimacy, she is bringing it home to me and me only. Otherwise, deal breaker and I will replace her, even though I love her and care for her. I respect myself and won’t allow that type of treatment.”


“We broke up in the past because of this type of stuff, and when getting back together he promised me it was all going to end. He was no longer going to talk to this friend anymore.”

To me, a relationship that is on again off again (multiple breakups) is skating on thin ice and a “red flag”. Likely are two people in denial that it is not a great match. A good match maybe, but not great. It is possible for you two to care about each other, have physical chemistry but simply not share core values. When you’re “dating”, you should know what are your “deal breakers” and what are your core values/morals and screen out men who do not meet your standard. Many women are simply weighing the sex/boyfriend/friend in a potential man and not looking deeper to find out more in the beginning. Just like a landlord, the harder you screen for tenants, the better match you will find. It takes time, patience, and knowing “what do I want” to actually get it and you’ll likely encounter dishonest men along the way promising you things that they never deliver. This is where you must look at “actions” over “words”. It is a crucial mistake many men and women make is not overlooking the words people say and looking at the actions. In this example, it seems you are seeing the light a bit here as you have stated, “he promised me it was all going to end” yet:

“Come to find out that was never the case, he’s lied to my face about talking to her still. He swore for an entire argument that I was crazy, he hadn’t talked to her, blah blah…The only way he confessed is because I showed him the phone bill, and emails (I really didn’t want to stoop that low).”

This is a “nice guy” vs “bad boy” dilemna. Women will say that’s a cop out as even “nice guys” want sex. Um, yeah, we’re men. We are born to want vaginas. So, it’s a weak excuse, because women can really just go and “choose” a man that has the qualities she wants and it’s really that easy often but women don’t often approach so it’s more often they are approached by men who are seducers. Men looking for fuck buddies or to have harems or men who are truly evil and have no fear. I used to be one of the “nice guys”. In some ways I still can be, but I have zero fear in approaching women, I will approach 3-4 women on my own without even a “wing man” and just chat them up, not really even caring if I “score” or not, like many men are so focused on. But, enough about me.

The dude lied. Is that acceptable? Yes or No. You must decide, it is your relationship.

To me, lies are not cool, however, one thing I learned in the particular above mentioned relationship is that, by making your partner “feel guilty” when opening up (making himself vulnerable), you often will drive them to be less open and honest. When my ex gf did something dishonest, I frowned upon it and made her feel a bit like shit. I’m not saying I think I did the wrong thing, but what I’m saying is, she was less forthcoming because she didn’t want to experience that guilt trip. Now, I’m a direct kind of person and I don’t feel I should HAVE to be indirect to accommodate, but I do see some value in a slightly different approach. Now, I look to be honest without projecting judgement, but we’re human, we’re not perfect. This allows my partner to feel she can be open and honest with me, because, really you want an honest partner, but you had to be a spy to find out that he wasn’t. I spied my old ex’s phone and found out her ex baby daddy was mocking my hair behind my back and she was laughing about it and saying it was one of the things she hated about me. What?! I could give a shit less about what he thinks, but you’re my girlfriend “who loves me” but you’re talking about shit you hate about me? However, I worked with a lot of women and they complain about their men a lot, so I looked at it as she was talking with him “like one of her girls”. However, I also found she was communicating innapropriately with another guy from her work. She said, “He’s just a friend who is going through a divorce and has 2 kids who I talk to that helps me understand {baby daddy} a little better and why he acts the way he does”. Maybe, but I found out months later that she had an affair with him and that ended our relationship. She may have only intended him for that purpose, but she allowed herself to develop an emotional connection with that guy briefly and explored it unfortunately. All I do now is look to not let her actions dictate how I treat new women, in particularly, my current girlfriend. My current girlfriend should not have to pay for another woman’s mistakes, so if you move forward in dating, try not to let this guys’ actions cloud your judgement on new men. A side note is, I don’t feel she lost interest due to poor sex, as many might assume, because her and I had a 10 year casual sex affair on occasion prior to dating seriously for 2 years and we had sex A LOT while dating. So, if it were due to poor sex, I think she would’ve stopped sleeping with me about 11 years prior.

“Things I felt were going great between us and this just threw me waaay off. This was the one person I didn’t want to have to deal with in our relationship anymore. We argued and argued about this, to no compromise or conclusion. But he still emails her.”

I have to agree with the author, Eric Charles here on the character of your boyfriend. Based simply on what you have told us, and not knowing every small intricacy of your personal relationship, simply, your man seems to have turned his interest to this other gal. You need to make it clear that it’s all or nothing. You must be #1 in his life or you walk. Not easy to do, I know, but it comes down to self respect. You must learn to respect yourself in this world because if you do not, then why will other people respect you? Some people only learn the hard way, and apparently, breaking up with him before did not change his behavior. By giving second chances, you allowed him to see he could continue to do that and get away with it and that you would allow it because you care about him. You need to know yourself and sometimes, it takes a real life experience, such as this one, to really learn yourself. I hate my ex gf now, because I have chosen to. However, I appreciate the perspective I now have from dating her. I know myself better now from that experience. Through experience and self reflection, you can determine now that, you are NOT down with lies and deception. If you agree with that perspective, then all you have to do is live to that standard and only allow men in your life that meet that standard.

Not sure what to think of this. Any advice? I appreciate it!

Look. You care about this guy, we get it. Perhaps you have good chemistry and maybe great sex. However, I’ve also learned that sometimes you have to make sacrifice. Sex with my current girlfriend is very good and she is beautiful. Also, I’ve had better I’ve had worse. However, what I value in her more than sex is what I love the most and I’m not willing to throw that away just for a woman who is great in bed but lacks the values, morals, character, respect, appreciation, and personality that she has. I have taught myself and learned to become attracted to pure values over sex and you can too.

So, again. You must decide, is this a deal breaker? Is e-mail/facebook/text “words” cheating or as long as he is not actually sleeping with her can you live with it? It also sounds like he has romantic interest in this woman and wants to pursue it and either is deviously or is NOT because he respects your relationship. If that’s the case then perhaps you are over reacting in jealousy and my perspective is that jealousy is OK as long as it’s not acted upon, it just means you care.

One other point is, when you first met him and were excited to date, would you have cared that much that he had received e-mails like that? or is it only because you have so much invested? Also, if you were just beginning your relationship with him and found out then, in the first month that he received e-mails like that, what would you have done then when investment was low? Would you have walked and replaced him? So, answer those questions for yourself and try to block out the emotional investment and be consistent with how you would treat the situation regardless of investment level.

If you can’t live with it, you will have to ultimatum him to be exclusive or you walk, however, it sounds like you essentially did that before and it didn’t work.

So then, you would need to move on.

What would likely happen is, if you leave, she will lose interest and he’ll end up single. If he’s not truly a confident man and gets his confidence from you, he will become lonely and recognize his mistake when he recognizes you are over him and he’s not getting you back. Then he will learn from the experience of “when I have something good, don’t stray or I’ll lose it” experience and you will have provided that to him.


And you are absolutely correct. It’s clear she is not the root of my issue, I’m just not sure where to go with this anymore. He doesn’t see it as a big deal, and I’m not ok with being lied to.

“a big deal” is one of the shittiest ways to label something, in my opinion. It is something I refer to as “speaking in absolutes”. It is EXTREMELY common in society to speak like this, so you are not the norm if you think differently. However, I learned from taking a prioritization class, that when you prioritize, you essentially rank all tasks in your life by importance level and urgency level. When delving deeper, to say something “isn’t a big deal” means, “that is not important”. He is subcommunicating to you that your feelings are not important. It hurts. It’s called “invalidation”. He is “invalidating” your feelings. However, much of the stuff men do that women find attractive involves intentional invalidation of feelings. The “nice guy” friend that listens to you, he doesn’t invalidate your feelings, he listens, empathizes, offers support, agrees and/or offers perspective. In many ways, I’m assuming that role on this very website, but I consider myself a student of dating for over a decade and enjoy reflecting on the subject with others. Women very often *like* these guys and want them in their lives but do not pursue romantic interest with them because that type of behavior women don’t feel as much attraction to. When you’re emotions are strong, invalidation is a HUGE blow and can cause you to really be infuriated. Many men (and women) use that, because, being simply “nice” is not always enough to get a mate “thinking about you” when they are not around, however, in this case, by doing what you DON’T want him to do, and then blowing it off and invalidating your feelings on the subject, he has caused you to think about it A LOT, about him A LOT, to analyze the situation and reflect on yourself and evaluate your relationship, etc. The result is, you are pouring in emotional “investment” into this relationship and the more heavily invested you are, the more you value it, and the less likely you are to leave. This empowers him.

Again, if you teach yourself to love and appreciate values/morals, you will find yourself more attracted to those characteristics in men. Your statement, “I’m not ok with being lied to.” reflects this. You are saying, you value honesty over dishonesty.


“Eric Charles June 11, 2013 at 1:17 am
Hmmm… do you think, when you ask yourself really honestly, that he wants the kind of relationship that you want?

I’m not trying to lead your answer one way or another, but if you had to choose a yes or no here, which would it be?”

These are important questions by Eric.


“REPLY
Annoyed June 11, 2013 at 2:26 am
That’s a tough one… There’s so much more to that than just a yes or no. We live together, we have a “family” unit. We have years of history together. I’d like to believe that we’ve built something special together and worth fighting for.”

Investment = you value this relationship.

“Deep down I want to say yes, he does want the same kind of relationship that I would like to work torward.”

You WANT to say yes, but does he want the same kind of relationship? It would be considered “needy” in dating standards to ultimatum and ask him… unfortunately, dating standards are low these days. If you are dealing with a man who learns to be “direct” then you would always be able to ask a direct question and he would tell you but his actions will also reflect.

“I just don’t know if something like this ever changes, is it me being “crazy, insecure and over reacting”? Or is it him?”

I have learned the hard way, *you cannot change people who do not want to change.* This is true about alcoholics, smokers, gamblers, shoplifters, people who don’t exercise and daters. So, the answer is, unless he wants to change for you, then no, it will never change. No, in my opinion you are not being “crazy”, maybe insecure (but not unreasonably and you’re a woman so I expect more insecurity, at least until older ages, no offense.. call me an asshole if you want) and over reacting? No, I don’t think so. You are definitely REacting. You’re not ACTING. If you were acting, you would be taking action. You would be making a statement via your actions that you don’t put up with shit like this. You would be “taking the kids to your mothers” until further notice or something. Instead, you are simply offering your opinion or judgement on the situation. That’s OK and you should. It’s natural, but is it working? “Or is it him?” This is what I call “The Blame Game”. I don’t like blame, but I can play that game. Let’s see. Did you have that girl send him e-mails? Nope. OK. That’s not your fault. Did he receive them and then stop her from sending them? No. Ok. that’s not your fault. Did you tell him you didn’t like it and wanted it to stop? Yes. That is “responsible” behavior and respecting yourself and your feelings. Did he stop? No. not your fault. Did you break up with him? Yes. That is called responsible behavior and respecting yourself and your feelings. Did you allow him a second chance to “test” if he had learned? Yes. I will NEVER give a second chance on a deal breaker again. You have to decide where your boundaries are. If this is a deal breaker, then a second chance is a mistake and you shouldn’t have given it. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, it’s done and in the past. Look forward. Did he respect that? No. not your fault.

“I mean he says I make him lie about this situation.”

I fucking do not agree with him. You don’t *make* him lie. He *chooses* to be honest or *chooses* to be dishonest. If he’s not going to stop, he should just say, “I understand that you feel this way about it, but I’m not going to change.” Again, this comes down to the topic I mentioned a few hundred pages back (I talk alot; sue me) where a partner feels “judged” and then holds back their true thoughts and feelings because when they open up and express themselves they don’t like the results. This is amateur hour to me and really emotionally weak. Most older men, I believe, understand there is going to be a bit of a backlash from women on certain topics and we just learn to stand up to it and sometimes ignore it. We call it “bitching” and women are offended by that, but it’s almost a comical relationship norm. I think of a 70 year old lady yelling “Take out the trash you lazy bastard!” and the man either saying absolutely nothing and staring at the TV or replying with something like “Get off my back woman!” it’s almost funny. What’s NOT funny? When people lie to you. I seriously, would rather hear my woman yell at the top of her lungs in my face and call me every bad word in the book than to lie and cheat me, but I’d likely calm her down some.

” In my eyes lying creates much more drama than being honest, and more importantly it eats away at trust. How do I learn to trust him, if I decide to continue?”

I REALLY agree with your statement here about honesty and trust. It is absolutely KEY to a long term relationship to have honesty and trust. Unfortunately, often opposites attract and honest women are attracted to dishonest men and conversely, honest men are attracted to dishonest women. That is why I spent all last summer meeting a LOT of women and screening them out by their behaviors. I met my current girlfriend and unless I find out down the line she’s dishonest, at the moment, I could not ask for a better partner and life is short so I do not like to focus on the negative thoughts and energy like that.

One last comment. Often times, people start looking at their “relationship”. Forget the relationship. Forget the commitment. I did that before and I became fixated on the seriousness level of the relationship… instead of “enjoying my partner”… it may be too late for this relationship to rekindle that type of thing. These type of scenarios are very tough and require a lot of strength. Hang in there Sweetheart, you are not the first to experience this type of scenario and you will make it through, one way or the other.

Recap:
Does this guy have a few solid male friends? Or only women “friends”? that’s a red flag. To me men should have this sort of “bros before hos” attitude, but still “man up” when it comes to their woman.
Do you consider this actually cheating even without the physical? Is it harmless if she sends him communication as long as he is giving his love to YOU?If so, is that a “deal breaker” for you?
Do you have an idea of what your morals and values are and does this guy meet those standards?
If you are not truly happy, are you willing to stay with this dude, for the sake of your “family unit”? I know my ex went back to her baby daddy, who she said if it weren’t for the child she would never talk to him again. Now they live together again. I know other women who have children and talk about how much they hate their husbands, but they don’t leave.

My opinion is, I’m always willing to walk away and start over if it means a good life.

Eric Charles, Thank you for providing this site for women and for allowing my posts in full, uncensored, as I have seen that the comments require moderation.

Reply June 11, 2013, 1:26 pm

Eric Charles

Hey Count,

I ran your comment as is — I know you’ve contributed a bunch and I’m glad to have you here helping out.

For some reason, my website has been extra-aggressive on moderating comments, so some of the time I end up having to push them through manually… I don’t know what’s setting off the trigger for moderation, but I’m sure it has something to do with anti-spam measures I’ve put in place (you’d be amazed at the number of idiots who attempt to post about paying a witch doctor to cast a voodoo love spell… but I digress…)

Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to read your comment, but I know you put time and effort into it to help the reader, so I’m sure I’d be good with it. Like you said — you give your opinion, I give mine… I’m good with that.

Reply June 11, 2013, 10:22 pm

Melissa

I found out last night that my bf (been together for about 8 1/2 months) has been texting two girls he used to hook up with. One conversation in particular was very sexual. Mostly on her side. I didn’t ask who he was talking to last night but he said it was one of his guy friends. It was one of the girls. Last weekend he said he was going out to his guy friends house when he actually went out to meet one of these girls.( think she is moving). I’m ok with him hangout out with other female friends of his, but why would he lie to me about it? The explicit conversation he had with the other girl bothers me the most though. I’m almost positive he has not met up with this girl..but I know it’s his ex…When we’re together he always makes me smile and laugh, and things seem well. We were even intimate a few days ago. How should I confront him about this?

Reply June 6, 2013, 1:45 pm

Count Mackula

I mistakenly posted this on the next posters answer. Apologies to all.

Personally, I wouldn’t confront him unless you’re ready to dump him. People tend to think your behavior is “needy”, “invasive”, “crazy”, “psycho”. I personally disagree, but these people think that way. So, he will get pissed that you are “spying” on him. My perspective is, if people aren’t doing shady shit, then there wouldn’t be a need to spy on them.

Probably not what you want to hear, but this guy doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down.

If he is doing that shit and says he wouldn’t tell you if he cheated because he doesn’t want to lose you, that tells me he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I have no patience for liars any more. I drop women like 3rd period French if they lie to me about something like this.

If I tell them to stop and they don’t, that tells me she doesn’t take me seriously and why do I want to spend my life with someone who is dishonest, cheating, and doesn’t respect me. I’m not. I’m confident in myself now, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths and don’t care about anyone who doesn’t also care about me.

Trust me, guys go through these same scenarios with dishonest women too. These people have to learn the hard way that others’ lives aren’t their playground and some people only learn the hard way.

You are young so you have plenty of time to date. If you confront him, just lay out the facts and try to let him do the talking. Say, “I don’t like that you talk to exes and see them, nor that you lie to me about it.” The scum of the Earth too often are the ones women end up dating because those guys more often have the balls to ask you all out and/or y’all just find it more challenging to try and convert “bad boys” into husbands.

Problem is, you cannot change people. They usually do what they want and if what they choose to do is make poor choices, how can you see them ever really making the right choice… most of them won’t until they have been dumped enough times to change their ways. It’s called experience.

Personally, I think you should decide what you want to do on your own but if it were me, I would simply tell him you are breaking up with him. If he asks for a reason, you can tell him that’s why.

I dated a girl who acted a lot like the way you’re describing. My gut told me she was cheating. I checked her phone and later her Facebook and sure enough, she was. She acted angry with ME because I went through her shit and tried to act like I was the crazy one. Even though I know for a fact that she still checked her ex bf’s facebook to see who he was talking to. Huh? I’m crazy for looking in your shit.. while you’re looking in someone elses shit? The worst thing I ever did was allow it to linger.

Think of it as respecting yourself. If you don’t, why will he.

It sucks you should have to be such a hardass and can’t just be happy and live your life but these ass clowns just don’t get it.

My advice: leave.

Go meet some new men and use this experience to screen out men who are not looking for the same thing you are with the same core values

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:56 pm

F'in Confused

Woah.
What happened when you let it linger?!?!

So I was dating this guy, we both attend a pretty too notch university. He’s smart he’s ambitious, and we come from similar backgrounds. We were best friends. And we rushed into a relationship out freshman year. We had some issues, mostly on his part. 6 months in I find a text message of him asking another girl if she would ever have sex with him. We brake up over it in feburary. We don’t speak for 2 months but when we did we had sex multiple times. And now were in talking terms. He wants time for us to mature. But he wants to be friends (texting and calling everyday) until we’re both ready to date so he can win me back and date again. He was my first boyfriend and first everything. I did neglect him emotionally around the time of the incident. However I broke up with him because that shit is backstabbing. So I just want to know what happens when you let it linger because that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know whether or not to let him be back in my life. He’s cried over hurting me. And I have extremely strong feelings for him too and it’s hard to let go when he’s reminding me why I fell for him in the first place. Sorry if that was too long but please help

Reply June 7, 2013, 3:32 am

Count Mackula

“He’s smart”
If he was smart and you were a good girlfriend to him, he wouldn’t have been going behind your back. So, I disagree.

“And we rushed into a relationship out freshman year.”
That’s a little too much overthought, I think. You did what you felt. You’re never wrong for doing that. If someone makes you feel wrong for doing what you feel is right, they are a negative person you don’t need.

“We had some issues, mostly on his part.”
Over thinking and then blame. Don’t blame him or yourself. It’s not anybody’s “fault”, per se. While actions or lack thereof are someone’s responsibility, what is done is done, so “accept” that the events happened and let it go. Whatever is not in your control moving forward, is not your fault. You are only responsible for your own actions. Even if you did or failed to do something then, you can’t change it now, so accept, and move forward.

“6 months in I find a text message of him asking another girl if she would ever have sex with him.”
That’s a dealbreaker for me. If women do this with me, it’s over instantly. I don’t want her any more.

“We brake up over it in feburary.”
Right move. Stick to your guns next time. ZERO tolerance, no second chances.

“We don’t speak for 2 months but when we did we had sex multiple times.”
Bad decision. Rookie mistake. It’s OK. Happens to the best of us, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Just learn to not give second chances or unpure people will use you.

“And now were in talking terms.”
After a split, time is needed for closure and separation of emotion. This is OK and if you are to remain friends, which I no longer recommend to people, this is normal.

“He wants time for us to mature.”
Super weak. Tell him to man up. He wants to date around other women but keep you around because you let him and have sex with him per above statement. This is bogus, respect yourself and that means not allowing this. He either wants you or he doesn’t. That’s not what you say to a woman you want, plain and simple. I tell women what I want and if they say no, that’s their choice, but I make it known my intentions.

“But he wants to be friends (texting and calling everyday) until we’re both ready to date so he can win me back and date again.”
Total bullshit. This is called “stringing someone along”. If you’re cool with that, then that is your choice, but I’m not down with it any more. I call it respecting myself. It’s also why I don’t remain friends with women now if they lose interest or turn their interest elsewhere. I accept that it is their life and their choice but I don’t allow someone to enjoy the best of me if they don’t give me their best.

“He was my first boyfriend and first everything.”
This is understandable, but BELIEVE me, when they say there are other fish in the sea, they mean it. After a breakup with a woman I thought I was going to marry, I was hurt bad and it was hard to start dating again, but I made myself do it and not only did I find that there were so many great women in the world that I was missing out on, I found quite a few and eventually my current girlfriend who blows away anything I’ve had before.

“I did neglect him emotionally around the time of the incident.”
Maybe. That sounds like you’re allowing yourself to feel guilty about it, and that’s OK if you do, but he chose to be noncommital and unfaithful, not you. So you have every right to have felt that way if you do/did. However, you do eventually have to move on and forward. So, accept that it happened, you can’t change it now, and learn from it.

“However I broke up with him because that shit is backstabbing.”
You did the right thing. It takes guts… it really does and I commend you for it. Cheaters either *never* learn and continue down that path for the rest of their lives and will remain miserably single forever, or they eventually learn… the hard way… by being dumped by strong partners with self respect. Respect yourself “F’in confused”. Know your value. You are a valuable woman and there are plenty of men who would be excited to date you.

“So I just want to know what happens when you let it linger because that’s what I’m doing.”
When you allow it to linger, two things happen. One, nothing. Nothing is really happening, you’re in “no man’s land”. You’re in the waiting room. You’re not taking control of your life, you’re allowing your life to rest in the hands and decision of another. Another who isn’t there for you.

“I don’t know whether or not to let him be back in my life.”
I say no. That’s an order. OK, not really an order. It’s your choice, but I still say “let him go” and be more selective in your dating. Learn to screen men when you meet them. Don’t shut them all out, assume we’re all the same (wait, maybe we are?) or let this guys’ actions skew your thoughts on new men. You can do WAY better… trust me.

“He’s cried over hurting me.”
Probably only because he feels bad for his actions. In a man’s world, you own your actions. We’d call this guy a total pussy, no offense. A guy like this I’d have zero problem showing his woman what a real man is like because I’d see obviously: he can’t.

“And I have extremely strong feelings for him too and it’s hard to let go when he’s reminding me why I fell for him in the first place.”
That’s called emotional manipulation. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. You decide, but he could be back with his frat buddies highfivin’ at how easy you are to control. Look, I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just telling you, there are some men that really only think of women as a living blowup doll; a place for him to bust one and that’s all they’ll care about until he gets fat and bald and then suddenly women don’t make it easy for him like they used to. Then he’ll either need to change or he’ll be a desperate fool who gets none. This is when you need to toughen up, but you got this. I fucking know you got this. You’re so money you don’t even know it yet… but you should!

“Sorry if that was too long but please help”
Never be sorry for speaking your mind. The only thing that’s too long is my.. well,… ok I had to throw that in there, I’m a man and we’re all perverted..

Recap:
KNOW YOUR VALUE: You have every opportunity to be somebody in this world.. now go, fucking be somebody sweetheart. You can do it… you have to.
RESPECT YOURSELF: If you don’t, why will anyone else? Do not accept less than your standards, whatever your standards may be.
NO SECOND CHANCES: People make mistakes. That’s ok, but if their mistake is not respecting you, then it’s the last time they will make that mistake. You and he will just have to accept that “mistakes were made” that cannot be changed now and move forward… separately. SAYONARA. ZERO TOLERANCE on dealbreakers. Women and men are often too tough on things with lower significance and too lax on extremely important things. Decide what are your “dealbreakers” and then stick to them. If you do, and train yourself to look at things this way, as I have, any weak justifications a man will throw your way will sound like one thing and one thing only: EXCUSES.

Reply June 7, 2013, 1:54 pm

Isa

So I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now. Everything throughout the relationship is great. He is a great guy and treats me well. We never had any huge arguments (we have silly arguments but it’s nothing extreme) or even fight, but at times I get “lowkey” suspicious. Yes I do trust him and I know he loves me he says that he will never hurt me. I always ask him questions like for instance I ask him if he cheat on me of he would tell me and he said no because he doesn’t want to lose me. I’m younger than him, he is 28 and I’m 21. A while back I found out that he was on a dating site and I confronted him about it. I’m thinking to myself why is he even on a dating site if you already in a relationship? But he apologized and said he’s not going to do it again and I took his word for it. He has a cousin which is a bad influence because his cousin is a big time cheater and my boyfriend goes out with him to the clubs or just hang out. I know that whenever he goes to the club he dances with other girls “sometimes” which I talk to him about it; I don’t mind if he is dancing with other girls because if I’m in the club with my girls and the vibe is right I’ll dance with other guys too “sometimes” but there is a way to dancing with other people but knowing him its probably a different story because he loves big ass and big tits (which my ass ain’t that big nor I have big ass tits lol). But I have an issue with giving out your number to other people at the clubs which I know he has done that. I may be a little insecure about myself because I do check his phone often which I need to stop cause if I trust him I shouldn’t have to worry about anything which he has told me before. Yes I do find things that made me second guess and have negative thoughts but at I don’t want to assume. Sometimes I do confront him and sometimes I don’t. We have this type of relationship that we can basically talk about anything such as ex’s, women, cheating, you name it and we be casual or cool about it(sometimes I think like a dude). Everytime that I ask him lets go out somewhere he always have some excuse and doesn’t want to go (sometimes), but when his cousin or one of his friends tell him about something he jumps and goes (sometimes) but mostly he would go out with them more than me. One thing for sure I tell him constantly I ain’t stupid I don’t have jackass across my forehead lol so he better watch himself….but IDK I think that I’m tripping but I do have an issue with these other women but I’m not the jealous type really like I said before I do trust him. I know he has friends as girls but I’m talking about those women that he meet at the club etc. Like should I be worried? or just continue having faith in my relationship. Like we both talk about marriage and kids and all that and I do think that he is “the one”. Honestly I’m happy because he is the first guy to ever treat me right really and he has done a lot for me. I don’t want to get in too much because I’ll just run my mouth lol but I feel that since he is an older guy about to hit his 30′s that he will grow up IDK I need some advice about this (Greatly appreciated!). What you think? or am I tripping? lol I need some help on this

Reply May 26, 2013, 10:33 am

Count Mackula

Probably not what you want to hear, but this guy doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down.

If he is doing that shit and says he wouldn’t tell you if he cheated because he doesn’t want to lose you, that tells me he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I have no patience for liars any more. I drop women like 3rd period French if they lie to me about something like this.

If I tell them to stop and they don’t, that tells me she doesn’t take me seriously and why do I want to spend my life with someone who is dishonest, cheating, and doesn’t respect me. I’m not. I’m confident in myself now, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths and don’t care about anyone who doesn’t also care about me.

Trust me, guys go through these same scenarios with dishonest women too. These people have to learn the hard way that others’ lives aren’t their playground and some people only learn the hard way.

You are young so you have plenty of time to date. If you confront him, just lay out the facts and try to let him do the talking. Say, “I don’t like that you talk to exes and see them, nor that you lie to me about it.” The scum of the Earth too often are the ones women end up dating because those guys more often have the balls to ask you all out and/or y’all just find it more challenging to try and convert “bad boys” into husbands.

Problem is, you cannot change people. They usually do what they want and if what they choose to do is make poor choices, how can you see them ever really making the right choice… most of them won’t until they have been dumped enough times to change their ways. It’s called experience.

Personally, I think you should decide what you want to do on your own but if it were me, I would simply tell him you are breaking up with him. If he asks for a reason, you can tell him that’s why.

I dated a girl who acted a lot like the way you’re describing. My gut told me she was cheating. I checked her phone and later her Facebook and sure enough, she was. She acted angry with ME because I went through her shit and tried to act like I was the crazy one. Even though I know for a fact that she still checked her ex bf’s facebook to see who he was talking to. Huh? I’m crazy for looking in your shit.. while you’re looking in someone elses shit? The worst thing I ever did was allow it to linger.

Think of it as respecting yourself. If you don’t, why will he.

It sucks you should have to be such a hardass and can’t just be happy and live your life but these ass clowns just don’t get it.

My advice: leave.

Go meet some new men and use this experience to screen out men who are not looking for the same thing you are with the same core values.

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:41 pm

Count Mackula

My bad, i think i meant that answer for the post above this one.

Life (to me) is about meeting needs first and then getting what we want. If you meet your own needs, you can just focus on what you want.

If this guy doesn’t meet your needs nor your wants then examine the relationship and decide if it is right for you.

You’re a woman, y’all have just about infinite dating options.

The flirty thing is ok to me as long as people aren’t acting on it. If they are, sayonara, next!

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:50 pm

sim

I’m actually in a RUT. I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for about 4 years. We broke up in b/w 2 years for about 4 months b/c i found out he’d been flirting with some girls. After this breakup he made me promises about keeping me happy etc etc. But the flirting NEVER stops. Flirting as in saying “nice pic” or “you look good” or snapchatting girls. Most of which i don’t know. I’ve come around to the idea of it after a long hard struggle with myself (im an insane insecure girlfriend type must admit). But Yesterday he messages some girl on Facebook who he is well aware that i hate (she never did like me) i see it by chance and he instantly deletes it. I don’t know if there was a convo after that or not, but nothing in the inbox. I’m going to confront him today, and kind of show him why these are the things that make me not trust him at all.
After everything we’ve been through am i being crazy for feeling like he doesn’t love me and disrespects me and i’m just there b/c i choose to stay but not cuz he wants me to be? I need help!

Reply May 23, 2013, 11:36 am

Count Mackula

“After everything we’ve been through am i being crazy for feeling like he doesn’t love me and disrespects me..”

No. You’re not crazy, I don’t think. Does he love you? Does he respect you?

“… i’m just there b/c i choose to stay but not cuz he wants me to be?”

Of course, everyone *chooses* to either stay or not to stay in a relationship.

There are two ways to look at things:
What is your partner doing wrong?(blame) Or, what are you allowing him to do? (responsibility)

In my relationship experience, partners will do things we want them to, we *need* them to and things we *don’t* want them to. Unfortunately, a high percentage of people will do whatever they can get away with and essentially say (blame) you allowed it. Also, we need to look at whether our partner meets our *needs*. The way to make this easy is, always know what you want, tell your partner “I want this” and if they deliver be happy and if they don’t or can’t then be OK with that as long as they meet your needs.

So. While I’m not going to comment on your man’s flirting other than to say, to me I don’t think it’s bad to flirt in relationships and if your partner isn’t jealous then they don’t really care so *to me* it’s not a bad idea to flirt a little and see if they get jealous to “test” them sometimes, so for me personally, when I do it I’m looking to keep my girlfriend honest and respectful, and I don’t mind if she makes me jealous nor would I think less of you for trying to make him jealous.

Where the problem occurs is, when it goes BEYOND flirting. There should be really no inappropriate touching, and zero tolerance on kissing, sex, and sexual acts. If someone is crossing that line in flirting, they should break up with their partner because it isn’t fair to their partner who could be finding someone else.

In my opinion, you are right to be upset, but as long as the dude isn’t “acting” upon these flirts I think it’s OK and if he truly cares about you, he won’t pursue them. “Having a talk” with him about it, just shows him you’re jealous if he’s not doing anything about it so, that’s for your to decide.

So. Here is my advice. Learn to treat your relationships from a “I respect myself” standpoint. You love, trust and give your partner your best but when they do things that do not “fly” with you, you have to reject them for it and if it is a “zero tolerance” type of action they have done then you have to have a zero tolerance standpoint and end it pronto…because if you don’t respect yourself, why is someone else going to?

It’s called RESPECT (thanks Aretha Franklin! :)

Listen. Some people NEVER learn and some people do learn, but only “the hard way”.

I could write you a novel right now on your man’s behavior and analyze the hell out of it. None of that matters though. What matters is, it is YOUR life, and life is choice. You have to choose what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable and if him doing this isn’t OK to you, then you have to decide that. The only way some people learn is the hard way and that is through heart break. Believe me, women think a lot of good “nice guys” are the way they are because they are “weak pushovers”. The real reason is, either they listened to their Mom and sister(s) like me, they listened to their girlfriends and learned from them, like me, etc. They are humanitarians and respect people and their self.

However, I’ve learned the hard way from women dumping me that, listening to women and doing what they want gets me dumped. It’s not “manly”. So, men will also intentionally ignore what their woman says to show dominance and “be a man”. This is where women need to “pick and choose” their battles with what they will push a man to comply with and men need to also “pick and choose” their battles with what they will push their woman to comply with.

Many people get to a “comfort zone” and they will stay there the rest of their life instead of pursuing what they really want. In dating, I know what I want always now and if a woman isn’t giving it to me then she is likely not a good match for me and I do a lot of screening prior to entering a relationship so I know I have weeded out a lot of red flag/unwanted childish behavior up front.

A relationship is push/pull, give/take, etc, and if it’s not a good balance, someone is not winning. If that’s you, then you’ll have to decide, I cannot tell you. It’s strictly your feelings. For me, Kissing, fondling, sex, and any type of sex act are cheating. I’m a very independent person and as long as my woman doesn’t cross or allow another man to cross those lines, I’m cool with it, but if she does, she’s going to be replaced, FAST.

Good luck.

Reply May 26, 2013, 12:15 pm

Julie

My x broke up with me a month ago and im still in that painful stage as I still love him and im feeling the pain more than ever. He left this morning on a trip to vegas for thebweekend with some of his boys. Im anxious n restless and unable to stop stressing n wondering whats going to happen over there. Ive never been to vegas but it has such bad rep so I dont know what to expect… But im thinking the worst. At the end of the day he is not my bf anymore but it was 4 years I shared my life with him and its only been a month since he broke up. Im hurting at the thought of him being over there n all the things ppl say about vegas.

Reply April 25, 2013, 7:08 am

CountMackula

Everyone goes through pain like that at one point in their lives. What is important is how to handle it.

If he broke up with you, whatever the reason, it means he did not truly want to be with you. It hurts but it’s the honest truth. You have to now respect yourself to think and then “choose” to feel that you are worthy of any man’s affection and any man who chooses to not be with you: his choice, his loss. That guy had his chance. Next.

I know, rejection hurts. However, it gives him a power over you and the only way to strip that power is to never care for him the same way again. Put his crap in a box or the trash and replace it. Hit the gym, it’s the best stress relief and an in shape woman is going to draw attention from men. Plus a healthy body goes hand in hand with a healthy mind.

Remember, he dumped you! So.. hate him!!! It took me months to let go of feelings for one ex gf. You know what? I decided, I hate *her*. Why? I don’t want to take it out on new women. I found a better woman and now that ex is history in my heart. When I say hate him, I don’t mean do anything f’ed up, I just mean allow your heart to feel hatred. Let that feeling occur and recognize that, it is OK to feel hatred for someone who has rejected you or hurt you.

The important part is to heal from it so by doing this, you’re “accepting” it. You’re getting closure by thinking, “You know what? I hate that dbag. Fuck him. If he dumped me then he’s a loser and not worthy of my love.” Become focused on your life and what you want and anyone who doesn’t choose you, isn’t what you want, EVER. Decide that that dude, sucks ass, you now hate him, in fact, moving forward, he will no longer exist.

You will ignore him 100%. If he tries to make a comeback? The answer is simple: NO. (No thank you, if you’re polite, ;)

Don’t give any reasons or explanations. Remember. You hate him. He is the scum that’s lower than dogshit as far as you’re concerned.

It took me a while to do this with my old ex but I am telling you, the *sooner* you can do this, the better. It’s over. He sucks ballsacks. You now hate him. Don’t go psycho crazy and do shit, any drop of effort ever put into that guy again just shows him you still care and gives him power to control you emotionally. Just Accept, Hate, Ignore. Hating *him* will help you separate him from new men. It’s not their fault he sucks donkey dicks.

If you can achieve this. It doesn’t matter what he does in Vegas. Why? because you hate him & you couldn’t care less. Before you met him and knew him, if he went to Vegas, would it bother you? No. Why? because you didn’t care. Guess what. Now you hate his existence and so again you don’t care. Why? because it doesnt matter if he’s a devil or a saint when he goes, because you don’t care about him any more. Why? because you hate him for dumping you. You hate *him* not other men you have not met yet, not the world, just that dude and any other ones who shitted on your heart.

You are like a ninja warrior who had seen some battle action and are now more experienced in dating. You know what? After 4 years of that dude, you might find a new dude is more exciting actually so do yourself a favor and accept that that relationship is 100% over, he had his chance and he blew it, now you hate him, and you will be ignoring his existence.

For all you care you hate him so hopefully he’ll catch ghonorhea in Vegas banging hookers, he loses all his money and gets arrested.. but you know what? Even applying that thought is a waste of energy and brain cells because you choose to decide that that dude never ever means jack shit to you again.

Do it. Right now. Don’t talk to people and try to figure out why he rejected you, what did you “do wrong”. You can’t change that. Move on. You’re stronger from the failure. You will be a better girlfriend now and you will seek a man that is better than the last because the bar has been raised.

Fuck that guy. He’s history.

Reply April 25, 2013, 10:57 am

Alicia

I love everything you are saying and I wrote it down for later reference! Fuck my ex husband and my ex best friend, I hope he gets genital warts again and her husband leaves her. FYI, they are not cheating together, they just decided together to hate my existence at the same time.

Reply July 13, 2013, 9:01 pm

Count Mackula

Fuck those people if theyre no good for ya

Who? I forgot who we were talking about already.. hopefully you did too

Reply July 14, 2013, 9:50 pm

dee

Ihave been dating a guy 4 months now he swore after 2 weeks he would marry me. Hesover the top and seems so arrogant to me. I’ve thought he was kidding when he said how wonderful he was but hes just vompketely full of himself. I feel like tgeres no room for me. He has texted other women and received phone calls which he wouldn’t answer in front of me saying it was other women. I think its childish and opposite of what I want. I do fear being alone but even if I stay with him I will be alobe because I can’t feel comfortable with his chick friendships. Im about to end this relationship. There are other issues too, but thats a whole other topic.

Reply April 25, 2013, 1:30 am

CountMackula

I’d say that’s really needy, unless dude is really young, if a woman said that that quick on me, I’d slow her down REAL quick and tell her that’s too much too fast 4sho.

Reply April 25, 2013, 1:52 am

Marie

This was genius! Too bad I didn’t come across this 2 years ago. Yesterday I just ended my two year relationship with my boyfriend with whom I live with. I want to say I’ve had my final straw with his boundaries with female friends. I read a text that he sent, and it read ” are you divorced yet??” And she replied “thank bajebus that I never got married or knocked up” and he replied “I’ll get you pregnant”. He used his age old excuse of ” they’re just my friends and thats how we get along” which i know to be true because he loves shock value in a lot of things that he says and does. Also this particular friend I’ve hung out with her before and she recently bought a house with her boyfriend. Now, throughout the two years there’s been a lot of what I called “inappropriate ” behavior with his female friends. From the beginning of our relationship. He would keep in contact with his old “friends with benefits” and chatted with them on a regular basis via text and Facebook. I was semi ok with until I found out he had invited one of them out to lunch (but never actually went). I’ve always told him how this makes me feel, he explained they’re just my friends. Another friend of his who didn’t care for me ( and the feeling was mutual) I felt would always try to sabotage our relationship. She would even send him nude photos of herself ( whore!) all kidding aside…this really pissed me off to the point where I called her and she said I meant no disrespect we’re just friends. Those are just some of the stories I have. So as you can imagine, I’ve been tested a lot in this relationship. There’s a total lack of trust, and I’ve become this really insecure person. Who is constantly thinking ” what is he up to now?”. I moved out for about a month back in August, because we needed to “take a break, and he needed to learn to appreciate me”. He hadn’t been in a serious relationship for a long time, and was not use to being responsible for his actions. Anyway, we run an online business together so we still kept in contact on a daily basis, and still saw each other on a regular basis. He would always say this break was just temporary because in the end he knew we would be together. We have a long history together, I forgot to mention that prior to this 2 year relationship we were together for 4 years in high school. We broke up and ten years later we reconnect and right back together. It was magic in the beginning. So back to our first break in August, come to find out he planned a trip to Vegas with these two girls that I mentioned and yup even shared a room. They had done this before just not while him and I were together. My jaw dropped, my mind started going a thousand miles per hour. Surely he’s playing me for a fool. So I plan a Vegas trip the same holiday weekend, lord knows I needed a getaway. Funny thing is he texted me the entire time, not once did I initiate contact. He even asked if I wanted to grab something to eat (I declined). On my way back home I had a lot of time to think, so I broke it off with him for GOOD… Or so I thought. Immediately after I told him, he was begging and pleading. Saying he knew he messed up and he’s going to change, he wants to marry me, have kids etc etc the whole nine yards. I told him he was selfish and explained all the reasons it couldn’t work. I wasn’t going to put myself through his nonsense anymore.. His texts went on for hours (I wouldn’t answer his calls, and mind you he was still in Vegas with these friends) after reading all of his texts that he was going to prove his change to me, I told him I would have to really think about it and I wasn’t going to give him an answer at that moment. The next morning he left Vegas and we met up to talk, looked in my eyes and told me enough was enough he was done with that life and all of this being away opened his eyes to what he really wanted. He said he would cut those people out of his life, an prove to me that this is what he wanted. So… Loving him as much as I do I wanted to believe it. We moved in together to a different house and a fresh start. I didn’t want to trigger my mistrust so I didn’t even attempt to snoop through his phone. It wasn’t long before I did though, and all that I had feared had again returned. My biggest hurt was not the fact that he still kept in contact with these friends, but that he LIED to me. He gave himself this new set of boundaries and rules, not me. Saying if he continued to do the same things, I could walk away for good but he wanted one chance to prove himself. He made promises that he never intended to keep, he lied. Once he got me back it was back to the same ol’ shit. So yesterday was my final straw, I could no longer be a barking dog with no bite and continue to make empty threats to him. I have to walk away for my own good. Relationships never work on lies, lack of respect, and lack of trust.
I ALWAYS gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew his past, and I absolutely wanted a future with him. We all have our faults and reading this opened my eyes to maybe what the real issue was.

Reply March 28, 2013, 8:21 pm

CountMackula

Ok.

First. Let me say that you are not wrong to have broken up with him if you truly don’t feel you can stay in a relationship with him for your reasons.

However. I want to comment here and clarify some things. It will help some women here and maybe some will disagree with me, that’s fine. They are welcome to their perspective.

Again. I am a man, so I offer perspective. You say he did not take responsibility for his “actions”, but unless there is further information, simply communicating is not action. I have exes or newer women I still see around or occasionally communicate with.. but what many women in this country need to understand is “words” are simply “words”, not “actions”. Strong, seasoned people learn to look at actions over words.

True leaders (not faux managers and politicians etc) but true leaders, the STRONG, absolutely, 100% do not give a SHIT about what comes out of a persons’ mouth. The only thing that matters is, actually DOing.

If he talks a little smack to those women, it’s something he enjoys and he’s not getting from you is trash talk/flirting. Ok. You make a choice. Do you, give him what he wants and make him happy or do you walk. You chose walk. Your life. Your choice. I am neither saying that was right or wrong. It was simply your choice and you did what you felt you should do.

However, words are words. NOT actions. Trust me, I feel your pain. I’ve had women say fucked up shit about me in public and it was embarrassing.

However, the hardest lesson in life I had to learn was to NOT GIVE A SHIT what others think. Not just say it. Not just tell myself I don’t, but to literally live knowing that other people are going to do and say whatever they want and I can’t allow that to affect me accomplishing what I want to in this world.

Sometimes people will think you are being an asshole/bitch but the reality is, you are being YOU and often their ego cant handle it. I only mention this because, you mentioned some insecurities and seem to struggle with jealousy (a bit, maybe not alot and maybe you feel it was justified)

Whether it was or not is irrelevant at this point. That relationship is over. However, jealousy is a weakness. The right people, won’t care. The wrong people, use your weaknesses against you to gain power over you and manipulate you.

So, again. If a person talks a little but doesn’t actually DO anything. Ie, he never kissed or slept with another woman, even didn’t GO to the lunch, most mens’ perspectives will be, he didnt actually DO anything, so it’s fine. If you plan to continue dating men, you’ll need to accept this and choose actions over words.

Men of action are better than men who do nothing, right? If you TRULY have a man of action, words are meaningless to him often. Words are less significant to me now and I look at womens’ actions and interest level more now.

Again, In your case, he seemed to have lost some interest with you and your choices were, draw his interest back or move on. You chose move on.

Now go find a new man that meets your values.

Reply April 25, 2013, 11:33 am

Marie

CountMackula-

You’re right, there was never any action behind his words that I know of. I may be a little jealous and insecure, with things that have happened in our relationship, and rightfully so. My fear was getting hurt, and I cannot stand being lied to. I wouldn’t see that as a sign of weakness though? I saw his words as a sign of disrespect and was uncomfortable with the way he joked around with his girlfriends, and the occasion when one of them would send him nude pictures of herself. That would make anyone lose respect for their partner, and question some of their intentions. Like I said I expected something completely different after all of the things he told me to get back with me. And even if he didn’t act out on his words, I still felt let down, and confused.

But he is a MAN of action, and that is one of the things that I love about him. He gets things done, and he never sugar coats anything. I believe that if he didn’t want to be with me because “he lost some interest” he would be the first person to leave, he is not the type to stick around just because.

After I wrote my original post, he initiated a conversation with me when he got home from work. He apologized (he never apologizes) and said the things he said were wrong, he didn’t want us to break up, and he admits that old habits die hard lol but that’s all it was he was just bs’n with his friend.

As I mentioned in my original post, him and I have history together, but that’s not why I want it to work. We compliment each other, we laugh all the time, he is my best friend, and we are opposites but somehow work. We even run a business together, and together we are capable of doing anything! This I know. The subject of his girl friends is literally the only thing we argue about, and I know it’s petty and like you said I shouldn’t give a shit. But it’s not something that I was ever use to dealing with, and I know that is my problem and something I will have to learn to let go if I want us to work.

I am a strong person, and you’re right I should look at the action and not the words. At the same time, was it fair for him to lie to me about things he said he wouldn’t do? I don’t know, maybe I just over analyze. Since him and I talked, I’m learning to see things differently, and work on myself more than anything.

Thank you for your feedback, it’s great to get a mans perspective on things. I know us woman can sometimes put a lot of emotion into things and let it get the best of us.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:16 pm

Julie

Marie,

My ex who recently broke up with me, we would have problems over the same issues. He felt he could flirt and say whatever yet it was ok to him because he wasn’t acting out on it. This flirting with girl friends is something that I personally don’t like and I have also tried to understand it and look at it from a man’s perspective. I have tried to be OK with it and try to understand that men’s mind works a certain way. I caught my man asking for pics, telling his friends how HOT they were, asking them to lunch, etc. I know on that occasion he actually never went but because the girl was unavailable. But that always leads me to think, what if she had accepted, he would’ve gone. Now, maybe it is innocent, maybe it is just lunch. This is where I have really put thought into what I consider acceptable or not. Either I accept this man is the way he is, or don’t be with him. But of course it isn’t quite easy when ur madly in love with that person. U try to find ways to change, to accept it to understand it. But truth is either u truly accept it, or you’re always going to lie to yourself promising change and continue to fight with him about it because you’re never going to be okay with it. I have been going through this for so long with my ex because I did not want to let him go for nothing in the world. I would keep trying to find ways to make it work. Even til this day I love him and I miss him more than anything. But I am starting to learn and see even from the advice CountMackula had given me before. Either u accept the person how they are or you walk away and find someone who has the same beliefs and values you do. See me and my ex, we really love each other but we constantly bump heads because we share different beliefs when it comes to flirting. I find it hurtful and disrespectful that my man is flirting with girls the way he does but he sees it differently. I guess I had always hoped he loved me enough to change that because he knows I would be hurt by him being that way but unfortunately that’s not the way it worked. I honestly must say that this relationship and break up has been the hardest thing I have been through my entire life. I love this man and he has been a major part of my life so it’s hard to just walk away still loving him. A part of me wants to be with him but I know we will never get along because his flirting nature is not something I want to have to worry or think about. And even if I chose to stay, it isn’t up to me because he left me, I didn’t leave him. I chased him like I always do, but he won’t budge. He manages to blame me for everything and not take any fault in all other issues we have had. At this point I just ask God to guide me and put me where He wants me to be and to give me strength to understand the things I do not.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:55 pm

CountMackula

Sounds good.

If he lied, I agree it is better to have honesty. He obviously values you enough to apologize and you should focus on that positive aspect and move forward.

Jealousy isn’t a problem, it is human nature, but it can be a weakness used against you by the wrong people to manipulate you. So, if possible it is better to always improve if possible, accept your weaknesses if not possible and embrace your strengths.

Make it known that you do not like something, like you did, and allow him to decide how to act upon those. Once we as men truly allow ourselves to feel confident, often we feel invincible and we do need strong women to keep us honest. Just remember positive re enforcement is always better than punishment and if you are judgemental of his actions, he is going to feel less likely to share himself with you openly, because men do what reduces headaches often and if he finds it annoying he’ll close those details off from you so he doesn’t have to hear the third degree.

Simply stating, “I respect your honesty, I want you to be honest with me always and I’m also being honest that I don’t like you giving attention to other women over me” makes it known.

Just be aware that if he chooses to respect THAT then he is making sacrifices for YOU and many women view that as weakness in men. So, this is where picking and choosing your battles comes into play. Be authentic but as rational as possible.

If you make it too complex, it’s often more difficult for us to want to deal with and we will not feel your love. This is a delicate balance and men also have a responsibility to pick and choose battles. Relationships are give and take and only work if both sides contribute equally.

You have to decide for yourself what is important for YOU. The fact that he is attractive to other women means you have a guy that is in demand. Rejecting sexual advances from women is about the hardest thing we have to do as men and so if you have a man who rejects other women for YOU, you must value and respect that he chooses you and not penalize him for it, reward him for it.

If he steps over the line, he’s a dog and end it immediately. If he’s just talking and not acting on it, then he is turning down pussy for you. That means he respects you.

It sounds like you’ve got a good situation and there are many women who subject themselves to emotional and physical abuse still so if he isn’t abusive, you have a better man than alot of women.

The world of men is a bit sad right now. Men are homophobic and hateful. I have a great woman right now and I have friends who tell me I’m crazy for some of the women I turn down.

Why? because those guys don’t value women for anything but vagina. I love sex and nothing feels better, but I’m attracted to women also for style, intellect, kindness, femininity, personality, amongst other things and while sex is important, I disregard many women because they don’t have these other areas.

If women want a safer world, they have to stop giving sex to thugs, murderers, rapists, etc. If they want a man who handles business, makes good money, is in shape, confident, selective, appreciates a woman, etc., then she needs to also bring those values to the table.

Men teach women that sex is all we care about because we get burned by cheating women who don’t value monogamous men. After you get burned alot of times, you start to feel that all women are that way. Similar things happen to women. However, this is often a result of people settling for mediocrity in core values to capitalize on certain strengths.

Always look to reduce your “need” of anyone else for your life to be great. Don’t look for men who “make you happy”, look to make yourself happy.

I always say, if you want to be great, then be great and great people will find you and want to be around you.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:56 pm

Julie

This message was very inspiring to me since I am in a similar situation. Thank you for posting this. I couldn’t agree more with what you have said. Thank you so much, this helped my very rough day.

April 25, 2013, 3:03 pm

Marie

CountMackula-

:) I get perfectly what you’re saying. By any means do I want to have him by his balls either, there’s nothing more unattractive than that.I think it’s a great turn on when a man is able to be a man and can take charge and make decisions.

With that said, I know we as humans it’s only natural to be attracted to the opposite sex, hell I think plenty of men are sexy and attractive. I even had guy friends that I had known for years, that would make it known they were attracted to me. They never sent me nude pics lol but I would never act on it, or even compliment or “play around” in certain ways, BECAUSE I respect my relationship and my boyfriend. So out of respect for my boyfriend, I just cut contact with these friends. Not because my boyfriend was jealous ( because he is not the jealous type whatsoever) But because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward in anyway.

So where is the line drawn? from it being human nature for men to be men, and us woman having to be more understanding not to bruise their ego or be too harsh with how we feel. And men just wanting to have their cake and eat it too?

Because honestly the last thing I want to do in a relationship is feel like I have to check up on my man, and see who’s offering him pussy, just so I can feel secure with our relationship because he turned it down! Lol that was pretty funny when you said that.

I can’t control what he does or keeps tabs on him 24/7 nor do I want to. That actually sounds like a nightmare.

But I am willing for both of us to put in effort, and if he chooses not to do those things anymore out of respect for me GREAT, if he does continue to do it.. Well then at least he knows how I feel about it and then it will be my choice whether to deal with it or not… Again :/

So what kind of advice would you give in regards to, how to not let what has already happened affect the future. When it’s always on the back of my mind? How does someone learn to trust? Without feeling that they’re compromising too much too often.

But I couldn’t agree with you more when you say:
“Always look to reduce your “need” of anyone else for your life to be great. Don’t look for men who “make you happy”, look to make yourself happy.

I always say, if you want to be great, then be great and great people will find you and want to be around you.”

April 25, 2013, 5:58 pm

Sophie

Okay so I totally get this, and it has opened my eyes as to what my boyfriend is actually doing (he’s flirting with girls over facebook but never meeting) and has been doing so for the duration, which is almost two years.
He is very insecure, something his past relationships have done to him, but I’m trying to bring him back up. In parts of life it’s worked as he has a job now.
But what I don’t understand is why he can’t come to me and tell me that he feels insecure about his appearance. I’m pretty sure he’s using flirting as a tool to make his esteem better. However he’s never come to me and asked me personally. Which has lead him to do what I deem as destructive behaviour.
Why does he keep doing it in secret also? I’ve caught him before and he know’s I’ll find out yet he keeps on doing it.

Reply March 25, 2013, 4:24 pm

Melly

The exact same thing happened with my boyfriend. He’s also insecure and began flirting with girls online to boost his confidence. I believe the reason he can’t come to you to talk about it is because of this insecurity that he doesn’t want you to know about. Many men are fearful of showing these emotions because society portrays men as emotionally strong, whereas women are suppose to be the ones who are emotionally weak. Although if you talk to him about it (but be delicate) he may open up, which could result in a stronger bond. Also, if he keeps doing it, make it known that it is upsetting you, talking about it always helps, but make sure not to attack him with accusations or this may result in a fight. I say all of this from experiencing this with my own relationship. Hold out, he should come around.

Reply April 12, 2013, 10:02 pm

Sophie

That’s good advice, thanks I’ll follow it :)
As of now our relationship is going great and don’t think he’s done this for a while now.

Reply June 11, 2013, 7:17 am

tiffstar

Hi guys, I am just curious if it is normal for my boyfriend to watch porn videos a lot. I know he does because of the history on his tablet. I mean I think its normal because most people do. I really don’t think it has anything to do with us or our sex life, atleast I doubt and hope im right. Im not self conscious or anything in that department whatsoever, im just curious. Also, im about 10 years younger than he is which I thought was a plus for him. He’s
36 & im 26. I noticed he watches a lot of “milf” videos and i can’t help but to wonder like ok does he like older women? I thought he liked having a younger woman like me? I guess my question to u guys is just because these r his videos of choice does it mean something? Ugh i probably sound soo crazy but i want to know if that the kind of women he likes…… Anyone have opinions? Men?? Help.

ids hahaha and im like ok, does he have a thing for women a bit older?

Reply March 7, 2013, 10:38 am

CountMackula

Sounds pretty normal to me.

I think it is normal, natural for us dudes to “want” variety in women. My perspective on sex is we basically have a need to “empty the tank”, if you will. We literally get “backed up” and NEED a release. If he’s jerking off alot it’s probably because he has a high sex drive and if you’re not giving a guy with high sex drive sex anywhere from daily to once a week, he will “supplement” to make up for it.

Honest men will just jerk it and get the release so they aren’t stressed out all day or walking around wanting to fuck every girl that looks his way and won’t cheat, much like I suspect women who are honest and love their husbands but aren’t sexually satisfied use a vibrator/dildo/”rub one out” in the shower. Assholes, on the other hand, don’t care about anyone but theirself so if he’s an asshole.. he’ll just cheat if you’re not giving him alot of sex (not saying “it’s your fault”, it’s not.. if he cheats he’s just an asshole, much like I feel that any woman who cheats is also “an asshole”)

So.If he jerks off, that probably means he isn’t cheating on you (that sounds like a plus), you might not be giving him enough sex for his drive but again, he is managing it by wanking instead of cheating so please, respect that.

I would say the MILF part (likely) has little to do with anything. It’s very visual for many men and he probably just sorts through vids until he finds a chick he thinks is hot.. but some dudes are into some WEIRD ass shit that I’ll never likely understand, so I don’t think anyone could deduce everything without knowing more about this guy and your relationship.

Yes it is way mega hot for a younger woman to be interested in you as an older man, it makes a guy feel younger. I’m 34 and I’m always aroused by mid to late 20′s women who show if they seem to slightly be mature. So, if you have the maturity level and style of older women but are in fact, still young, you may trigger alot of sexuality for him.

If y’all have been together for a bit and this is all you have to be worried about, I’d say you’re lucky so focus on him for a minute. What about him were you initially attracted to. Think about it and seduce his ass.

Reply March 7, 2013, 1:56 pm

tiffstar

Hahahaha you’re too funny. Its true i guess its normal cuz women do the same. Not to be vulgar but i watch certain vids for the visual and it doesnt mean im into that specific thing. Well im not sure he just comes across hot girls cuz everytime i look, its always milf vids lol. I dont kniw though i mean i pretty much want sex more, sometimes he is tired and i start to freak out like y is he tired but not tired to jerk off when im not there. I wear lingerie, i seduce him, i always look hot for him lol. I think we r both lucky haha. I rather him do that than cheat thats for sure. I just hope he doeant secretly desire older women when this whole time ive been feeling like “yea im making him feel good cuz hes older ans has a hot young woman” oh well..

Reply March 7, 2013, 2:46 pm

jules

Ok so I have a situation. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost 4 yrs and along the way I have been very clingy and needy because I figure that I have not had a very self fulfilling life. I work and go to school and have a bright future ahead but I long for a man to commit to me and have a home and eventlly have kids. My boyfriend refuses to move forward in our relationship and he says the reason is that he doesn’t trust me because I have lied in the past about looking through his personal things. Most people will say all girls do this and it’s normal because I care but to him its a deal breaker especially because I haven’t brought him to my house to meet my parents for personal reasons.. nothing to do with him. So it bothers him even more that I’ve looked through his things when hes brought me around all his fam and friends and I have the nerve to do that when hes never been to my house. Also he refuses to move forward and commit because he says I’ve lied in the past which I have but never anything terrible, only about looking through his things because I know he would fight with me Ans was trying to avoid it. My problem is that I feel like he lies to me about things to avoid drama..Like he’ll say hes having beers with friends but wont tell me his female coworkers are there too which I’ve had suspicions about in the past. What I want to know is how can I get him to want to commit and to be honest with me? How can I change my image of being needy? He already thinks I’ve been this way so long that ill never change. He expects me to be that way. He makes me feel guilty and responsible for him not wanting to settle but at the same time I feel he uses thar excuse because he just isn’t ready. I constantly feel like hE hides things because im too “dramatic” or jealous over e erything. He flirts with his female friends because I’ve read texts and emails and iI hate it! Makes me feel bad about myself.. its hard to walk away because we have been through so much and our previous breakups were devastating to me. How can I turn things around to make him want to commit and not view me as needy and that he “has me”.. and how can I know if he really does care and have him be honest with me?

Reply February 23, 2013, 12:26 pm

CountMackula

Ok. First, I still think you should spend some time in the gym. I did during my tough relationship a year ago and it helped me personally tremendously. Seriously, for me, a stairmaster and some headphones with hard ass rap music, heavy metal and some stuff I really liked worked wonders for stress relief and it got me exercising which tremendously affects libido and I do really feel now a healthy body and healthy mind go together. I did not respond right away because, first, I hate typing on my phone and wanted to wait until the weekend to sit on a laptop. Second, I wanted to read your message, wait a few days, reread it, and then again for a third time with some space between to get a feel or vibe of your message. I have a lot of opinions on what you have said but, what I’ve decided to do is, refer you back to my previous messages about just getting some breathing room in this thing and reflect on what you want and stuff. Try to focus on some other things besides “the relationship”.. that’s not what people focus on in the beginning, I don’t feel, I feel they focus on their partner. Later, things aren’t the same when the focus is on “the relationship”. It’s not as natural “feeling”.

I’m going to make one statement about all the sentences you wrote prior to your questions and then I’ll move to the questions. I want to make it clear that, I’m not looking to be dismissive of what you said by saying this, but what I want to comment on is that, all of those events/actions are frozen in history and will never change. They will never be “fixed” because they aren’t “broken” they just “occurred” and you (and he) will need to “accept” that and decide for yourselves what impact those events have on you moving forward.
———————-
“What I want to know is how can I get him to want to commit and to be honest with me?”
The short: You can’t. You cannot make people do something they do not want to and you cannot make them change if they do not want to or are not ready to. I truly feel this now. You can try techniques and tactics that are suggested to attempt to draw out your partners true feelings.. but you cannot MAKE them feel something they don’t and you will need to accept the results if you try that, so I don’t necessarily advise it.. also, I’ve “experimented” with drawing out feelings from women before and it’s not a good idea. Things “happening naturally” is the way, always, I feel. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he can’t afford a ring. Maybe he doesn’t know where/how he wants to ask you. Maybe, he wants to propose to you “because he decided to” (a man made a decision) not because you pressured him (a man hates being told what to do, that’s why married men complain about “nagging wives” and why alot of wives complain their husbands never listen, because alot of men will refuse to do what she “wants” him to do because he thinks “hey! she’s not the boss of me!”, especially after 8+ hours of his boss telling him what to do, the last thing he wants is to leave work and hear someone else tell him what to do. Maybe he’s looking for some sort of “evidence” that by “going all in”, so to speak, that he’s making the right choice.. not because you are not the right choice, but, essentially, he might be wanting to consider if he’s truly ready to become “off the market”.. for good.. personally, I feel, where I am in my life now, that if he’s unsure, then it’s not right.., but that’s just me, now.. I’m human)

“How can I change my image of being needy?”
First. All humans have needs, men and women. Distinguish what is “want” and what is “need” and if those are being met by him and if you are being reasonable and fair to him and yourself. If you believe you are seriously being reasonable, then you may want to reevaluate your relationship. However, if you ignore what this guy says, and think about your own opinion of you, if you still think you have some areas that you want to improve about yourself and will also add strength in the relationship, work on your confidence by becoming more independent. Get a best friend or two.. a couple of close girlfriends to share some interests with if you don’t already have them. If you do, plan some girl time once a week. Don’t be upset if he wants “guy time” too. Get a few hobbies. Hit the gym. Become the type of woman that any man, including YOUR man, would want.Get a job if you don’t have one. (I got a suggestion, work at Hooters. A bunch of dudes will be coming in to see you and that guy might say, “man, I better lock it up before she meets a new guy!” I dunno, I really dislike “tactics” and “gameplay” but I think as long as the end result works, I think it’s OK. I feel, “playing hard to get” is OK, I think “playing IMPOSSIBLE to get” is annoying and “games” arren’t real love, they usually end up in one or two people getting hurt and losing..)

“He already thinks I’ve been this way so long that ill never change.”
Who gives a fuck what he thinks? Ok, that’s harsh, obviously you do, but what YOU think about YOU, is ALWAYS more important than what *anyone* else thinks about you.

“He expects me to be that way.”
So? Fuck his expectations.. I say, meet him halfway. If he’s expecting you to be undrstanding and trusting, then you expect the same but you give it to him.. people can change. I know, because I have changed myself for others before. I have two takes on that. First, someone should always “be themselves”, right? However, if someone cares, they’ll change for the one they love, right? Well, that’s a tough one. You are who you are. If you are truly “needy”, it’s from insecurity. The only way to become more secure is to face and overcome some of your fears and to build self confidence. You gotta become iron inside to the point that you aren’t phased by others. You are going to get what the fuck you want and get what you deserve and if that guy’s not giving it to you, then, you’ve got some decisions to make possibly. Again, read my earlier advice. Start exercising, even if it’s a little, get a little bit more space from him, meet up with some girlfriends or make a few new ones or take up a hobby. FORCE yourself to give him the trust he’s looking for. Give it. Just hand it over. See how he handles it. Does he respect you for it and reciprocate? Or does he walk all over you and do worse. Then, decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with the results. If so, keep waiting. If not, MOVE ON!

“He makes me feel guilty and responsible for him not wanting to settle but at the same time I feel he uses thar excuse because he just isn’t ready.”

This is where I see things differently than many women. While, I can see why this happens, because I’ve been there.. feelings are ultimately a choice. He cannot MAKE you feel “guilty” if you don’t allow him to. He either does or he doesn’t. That’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. It just is what it is. If he says he’s not ready, then that may be, but I will say, I know plenty of people take others for granted and sometimes, the ONLY way other people will learn is by feeling the loss. It’s possible, if he truly sucks ass, that the only way he, and many other men and women in the world, will learn to respect and appreciate what they have when they have something good, is to LOSE it. That means, you dump this guy, he hurts, he learns “from experience” that the next time he has something that good, he needs to embrace it, because he might never find it again. If he truly sucks, you will become “the one that got away” if he never finds better, but perhaps will learn a hard lesson he NEEDS to learn. If this is the ultimate choice, it needs to be swift, short and FINAL. The least explanation the better. Any “reason” you give is a chance for “rebuttle” for “manipulation”. Just say “no, I can’t”, make the decision final and cut the cord. DO NOT rush into a “rebound relationship” until you have remained single for a bit and gained “independence”.

“I constantly feel like hE hides things because im too “dramatic” or jealous over e erything.”
Maybe, but you shouldn’t change who you are for someone else. That’s just my opinion. I don’t. I’m single alot because of it, but I really don’t feel I should have to change for another person. After dating alot, I think the advice “be yourself” is the best ever.. just get to know yourself better.

“He flirts with his female friends because I’ve read texts and emails and iI hate it!”
You have to have loved in order to hate, I think. I NEVER had hated anyone. I now harbor hatred for a few women, one in particular. I think I will both love her and hate her forever. Even though, I could mostly care less now, certain things still piss me off about how she treated me and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive her truly in my heart. You can’t hate someone THAT DEEPLY without having really loved them and been hurt.

“Makes me feel bad about myself..”
I get it, I really do. I was there before. You know what? How you feel is how you feel. It just is. That’s why “invalidation” hurts, because, it’s other people saying, at a lower level, “your feelings don’t matter”. There are so many ways to hurt other peoples’ feelings, it’s ridiculous. You know what? There ARE good people in this world who are trying to make a difference.. EVERY DAY and there are some people who have a truly shitty life. The hardest lesson of all to learn is, “life is not always fair”. It’s just not. The world will kick your ass, and they will not care. “feeling sorry for yourself” happens, but it’s best to recognize when you are doing this and try to minimize it because, when the going gets tough the tough gets going… sometimes, this world is survival of the fittest and there are people out there making moves while others are sitting in a corner feeling sorry for themselves. YES. I am aware how insensitive this sounds. I’m NOT saying it is your fault. I’m saying, regardless of what he’s saying or doing, YOU have to do what’s RIGHT and HEALTHY for you… even if it’s rejecting this relationship.

“its hard to walk away because we have been through so much and our previous breakups were devastating to me.”
..and each one after will be more devastating. I been there.. the longer and longer, the harder and harder. There’s more “investment”. If you are “devastated” by losing him, you are “attached”. You have “allowed” yourself to be dependent on him and it is not healthy. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but if you’ve broken up on more than one occasion, this relationship sounds unhealthy and not good.. ask yourself why do you want to continue in a relationship that just doesn’t sound functional.

“How can I turn things around to make him want to commit and not view me as needy and that he “has me”.. and how can I know if he really does care and have him be honest with me?”

I covered this above I think. You can’t “make” anyone do anything they don’t want to do.. Nothing in life is guaranteed but death and taxes. You want him to commit, your choices are, 1. keep waiting in misery (not worked so far) 2. confront him/keep pressuring (you’ve tried it sounds but not working… once SHOULD be enough to outline “boundaries”/”expectations”) 3. Ultimatums.. they ONLY work if you’re willing to walk away. You say, “, I love you..do you love me? He says, “Yes/no”.. you say, “man up or I’m walking”.. you can’t really “threaten” this though, if you’re not prepared to go through with it. Many men, who “flirt” in a relationship have a false “comfort” because they have a girl to fall back on… many lose all of it because it was a false “confidence” and alot of women only want a man with a woman because, I think they are stupid…if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat ON you.. same with women… once a cheater, always a cheater.. I feel, until they are TRULY ready to become “an adult” and give up “the lifestyle” to have a better life.. some never do

It’s late, I’m tired.. probably not my best writing
Strength comes from within

Reply March 3, 2013, 4:57 am

jules

Thanks, appreciate your thorough response. You’re awesome at analyzing and giving advice. I agree with everything you said, it’s actually taking action that is the hardest part. I need to be stronger and actually do these things. It is not easy at all. One part of your response to my comment was about me hating him. But I don’t hate him at all, what I said was that I hate that he emails and flirts with female coworkers. I don’t hate anyone, thats a strong and ugly word. It’s so funny you mentioned working at Hooters because I used to work there (not anymore), thats where I met him lol. I just really do want to become the kind of woman any man would want. Which a lot of people tell me I am but I just need to feel that way myself. I work, have a good job, go to school, going for my Masters as a Physician Assistant; however, I still have about 3 years to finish and live with my parents. I always feel if I had my own place and felt a little more independant I would be more confident. I shouldn’t feel that way because at least I am doing it as a sacrifice to better my life by going to school and working towards my career, but I am hard on myself and I am impatient as hell. I’m like I want it now, and I want this and I want to be like that. I know what I need to do I just need a little more strength and will power. I know it is all up to me and my actions. I guess I need to really focus on building my confidence and my independance and stop looking for external things to be happy with myself. I have to say that is probably my biggest issue and it reflects on my relationship. My bf has issues too, but I know that I have issues of my own that have affected the relationship. I still feel he shouldn’t be flirting with other women and being so immature with his friends sending pictures of women’s asses etc., but I am going to try to be less worried about that nonsense and focus more on me and changing for the better not only for me but to see if by giving him that trust, he betters himself with me as well.

Things are going good. But I am annoyed because he is going to Vegas with his boy and told me its his boy’s cousins wedding which I know is true and planned it when we had broken up so I can’t say shit..BUT, I just found out that some of his co workers are also going that same weekend including female coworkers who I do not like or trust because they used to call and text him all the time and I have never met them. I saw it on one of the chicks facebooks. I havent told him anything because he will flip it on me and tell me I am stalking these girls and being psycho (bc their page is private & I have an old fake page and had added them before which he knows about and was very upset and thought it was childish and insecure) so I cant tell him I still log in there from time to time. I think he isnt telling me because he KNOWS I will be pissed and insecure that those girls r also going the same weekend. Im mad because he isnt fully being honest about it. Should I just not say anything and wait to see if he will say something or what should I do??

Reply March 7, 2013, 12:18 pm

jules

I apologize for all the misspellings and autocorrect errors. Bare with me as I am posting these from my cellphone.

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:50 am

CountMackula

you’re fine i dont care about mispellings.

look. No, not all men are terrible, however, most of the “honest” ones are labeled as “boring” and “backboneless” & dumb shit like that.

What it’s REALLY called is “honest” & “unselfish”; but many women abuse these guys.. many of good men I know, their women are VERY disrespectful of these guys and lie and cheat behind his back and uses him for resources… i been there.. ruined my perspective on love and women.. it is now VERY difficult to allow a woman close with trust and things.. once women f— over dudes enough times, men “wisen up”.. but many will just view these women as unstable and keep looking while others will refuse to allow women to “own them” EVER and will seek out to just “bang” women.. many will keep a lesser attractive girlfriend to do shit for them while they playboy around, much like many women women will have a steady “boyfriend” or husband who she isnt really attracted to and cruely leads on denying his sexual needs for her own gain, while banging d-bags behind his back.. it works both ways..

These women take the good guys so much for granted that they cheat on him, lie to him.. etc..

most men would likely be satisfied with one attractive woman who didnt cause him extra stress and drama but its hard to find.

not complaining about women.. just stating SOME perspectives..

the bottom lines are:
-Do you love your boyfriend and want to be with him.. if yes, then be with him
-Is he actually ACTing on these impulses, or just talkin trash.. if its just talk then who gives a shit?
-i will admit emails seem kinda wierd for dudes to me, but whatever, who am i to judge
-yes, friends of 20 years or more are just as likely to talk trash
-I dont like lying and cheating but a large % of this world seems to lie first to CYA and then try to justify it later.
-Are you happy? If so.. ok great, so whats the problem? if not.. would you be happy single? i opted for single for a bit and my life was better, since i had time to reflect on what i wanted.. i later met some great women and ive found one that is really good.. maybe it will work, maybe not but i dont care, it feels good & if she leaves, ill find another

Reply February 12, 2013, 3:07 pm

Jules

As far as women goes who cheat on their good men, well I think really low of these women. Why be in a relationship? It all depends on the morals of that person, I mean really, if you love someone, why betray them? I know what you mean because nowadays a lot of women out there are money hungry trash with no morals. I believe that a married woman who sleeps around has no respect for herself and thats the lowest of the low. The dude banging the married chick will look at her like trash and her husband as a sorry ass dude. If you love your man you would never let him be ridiculed that way and be THAT sucker dude who his wife cheats on him. Unfortunately theres all kinds of dirtbags out here including both men and women. I honestly am a great girl. I would never disrespect my bf nor flirt around with dudes because I don’t need that attention and I want a family already, I don’t have time for bs. I feel like he doesn’t realize he has something great. My problem is I tend to make my bf my priority because he is the one I am closest to rather than family and friends and I love him tremendously. However, because of things I read I just don’t know if I can trust him. How do I know if he really is just trash talking or if he will act on it? I feel like I will never know for sure. And the biggest problem of all is that he is the type of dude that feels like no one needs to question him and the moment I ask where he’s going and with who, he automatically turns into dick mode and ignores me becasue he says he is tired of me being insecure. We have had a lot of issues in the past and he hates my insecuritties. A lot of my insecurity comes from the fact that I have seen how he flirts with other girls while he has been with me and I do not like it… yet he feels he isn’t doing anything wrong as long as he doesn’t bang another chick. We broke up for about 3 months twice and I know for sure he slept with a lot of women because he said it to his boy on an email. Here is why they email… from work, so that his boys girl doesnt read it. They both work on a computer all day so they write to each other. It just sucks dude, I am at a point where I know I prob shouldn’t continue to try and make this work because I don’t trust him, even though I have no proof he has ever cheated, but its his personality with other women that scares me… like what if the opportunity arises with a super hot model looking chick… would he take it? I really don’t know what to do anymore…

Reply February 12, 2013, 8:37 pm

CountMackula

Hey, personally, I agree with most of your points from a logical perspective…
this is where validation and invalidation of feelings comes in i believe.. he’s invalidating your feelings maybe, but I’m no expert.

What I will say is, I’m offering you my perspective, yet, the decision is yours ultimately, as I’m sure you are aware.

I’m going to try to look at just the facts.

Here’s what I think:

-You care about him, you love him. The initial sparks always subside.. so, do you love him?
-You don’t feel like you can trust him. I been there. Ok. You’re jealous. Why? Because you care. When you first met him, you were smitten but did you even REALLY care too much about the competition? Think about an ex BF you USED to be in love with and no longer care about.. are you jealous of other women with that dude? Not really.. so do you love this guy? Only YOU know for sure.. it sounds to me like you care but maybe hes not right.
-Now, maybe you do love him. The follow up question is, ok, just because you love a guy does that mean he is the right guy for you? Again. Only YOU will know. Not your friends, not me, only you.
-If you love him, he loves you, you can both tell youre right for each other and “it just works” then invalidate your own feelings.. recall how you felt about him in the beginning.. you possibly werent thinking about your own “insecurities”.. thats selfish thinking (not saying “you are wrong” to feel how you do..) Im saying.. in the beginning, two people are excited and their focus is on their partner.. NOT themselves.. when they start becoming selfish.. they start to focus on the wrong things..

the converse is you love him and care about him but hes not the right guy because your “core values” differ.. you guys have different values when it comes to flirtation.. and the definition of.. its normal though for women to “bitch and nag” men.. if you look at an average 60 year old couple who has been married 30 years, the woman nags and bitches at the man constantly.. and he ignores and doesnt listen.. thats where the stereotypes come from.. however thats average couples.. there are exceptions to the rules and “power couples”.. people who i think searched and dated alot, knew what they wanted, looked til they found it and never let go.. there are old happy couples..

ok. Enough on that topic.

It is possible to be attracted to someone but not love them..

its possible to love and not be attracted. sometimes attraction can fade.. however, two people who are attracted to one another, have chemistry, love each other, both care and want it to work will always find a way to make things work with a give and take.. and it IS possible this guy is not the right one for you..

my suggestion is.. dont pull away TOO far.. but try to get a little space, think about it.. the BEST is to hit the gym. dont use alcohol to drink it away.. go to the gym, put an ipod in your ears with your best music and do a stairmaster for 30 minutes a few times a week and just reflect. Do you see this guy as the father of your children?

Could you live with him if you dont already? Could you marry him? etc…

Get a *little* separation with him and see how he handles it.. not too much or its wierding up (sabotaging) your relationship to test him.. kind of gamey.

I had an ex where I did most of the work to keep our relationship going.

I finally couldnt take it. I decided, OK. I wont give up on her, but I will simply meet her halfway. I will match her commitment and communication level.

She told me she felt like i was playing games with her and backed away further.. she didn’t see that she was in control also of the fate of the relationship and take action to prevent it from failing. She blamed me obviously and allowed it to crumble. If she REALLY loved me, she would’ve wanted to see me in person.. called me some, etc.. nope.. she REFUSED to make an effort.to me that means she wasnt the right gal.

I cant live my life in a relationship with a woman who doesnt truly care about me.. so I moved on. I decided, “her loss”.

So.. focus A BIT more on yourself away from him & when you are with him, look for the feelings you had in the beginning.

Decide what you want and see if he provides that.

Reply February 12, 2013, 9:48 pm

jules

Thanks, this is probably the best advice anyone has given me. Yes, I do love him a lot I just feel he does invalidate my feelings & is selfish, however, he thinks I’m selfish & I am in the wrong. Ofcourse he doesn’t know I looked through his things recently and that’s y I don’t trust him the way I would like to. Hearing the person u love say that marriage must be the cruelest punishment to man..well it sucks & makes me have doubts. He is going out of town without me in a few months & im worried & sad that he might betray me. Maybe im just making myself crazy & stressing more than I should. I wonder if he is right for me or not, I just know I love him very much & not having trust equals relationship destruction. I’m going tl take your advice im backing off a little & hitting the gym to let him miss me & come around on his own. I hope he does come around & that one day I can stop worrying about other girls. I wish times were different & people were less willing to screw around :(

February 18, 2013, 6:24 pm

Jules

CountMackula,

I would like to post to this forum and have Eric reply but I know that it is probably hard to get a response due to the volume of questions. I think you’re advice is GREAT because I am getting a man’s perspective on relationships which is what I want… to understand the way men are so I can stop being so judgemental and insecure when a gorgeous 10 walks in the room and my bf looks at her and I start to imagine what he is thinking. It has always bothered me that when men see a hot woman the first thing they think of is sex, I understand it, but hate it when it is my man. Anyway, where I am going with this comment is that I wanted to know if I can post a question here, explaining my entire situation, if you wouldn’t mind answering. I know posting it in the questions forum while probably give me many responses from women telling me “walk away, or get out of the relationship” which is not what I want to hear, atleast not from another woman. We must all understand that men and women are two different creatures who think differently and I think by me understanding better the way men think, it will help me have a successful relationship with myself, and with my partner; if not my current one, my future one. Thanks! :)

Jules

February 19, 2013, 11:37 am

jules

2nd part to my comment above: how they’d love to bang these gitlrls. My bf even made a comment saying hes going to get super fit and cheat then he wrote nahhhhh, maybe a little. Here’s the thing he is a big time joker so I know he trust to be the funny guy hence the last thing he said however I am paranoid bow and think what if I don’t even know this man. I know snooping is wrong but I want to believe he is not a pig but then I read this and I see how he flirts Wittgenstein his coworkers and its driving me nuts. My question to men is will it always b this way? My bf is 35 yrs old and still dies this? Is this just a mans human nature and im overreacting and stressing? Or am I with the wrong person. Are all men this way with their boys?? I just need a mans point of view. Like I said I have never caught him cheating and not to sound like a naive dumb girl but I know he loves me yet I don’t feel secure. I have trust issues as well… I just want to know why men are the way they are when it comes bro got women so that maybe I can learn to be in a healthy relationship even if it means the next one.

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:47 am

CountMackula

Ok.
Make a new reply though because i did not see “reply” as an option any more from your last comment.

Reply February 19, 2013, 12:14 pm

jules

Made a new thread…

Reply February 25, 2013, 2:34 pm

jules

I’m having a hard time accepting my bf being a flirt. The hard part is that I know because I’ve looked through his phone & emails. I don’t know how to confront him because he left me before for that reason. I recently looked through his emails which he is unaware of and saw a bunch of back n forth emails with his buddies sending pictures of women’s asses and commenting how hot they are, etc
I understand men r men but what bothered meud wu the most was an email with
his best bud where his friend who has a gf & supposedly is really in love was telling my bf that its hard being good and that his professor is hot n coming onto him and that if she was a real stunner it would be hard to resist. My bf replied saying “I’m
the wrong guy to say that to.. I would’ve been parking lot bound” “hahahaha”… I couldn’t believe he’d say that. They were both going back n forth talking about how
they’d L

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:40 am

CountMackula

I couldn’t tell you for certain without knowing that dude specifically..
but most (American?) men will do and say virtually anything to avoid sounding weak, gay, or like a “pussy”.

A high percentage of dudes, especially complete assholes, view “falling in love” as “weak” and “for women”.. so if a guy shows any signs of that, other dudes will destroy his reputation by publicly telling other dudes he’s a fag, he’s “pussy whipped”, shit like that.

So, basically, in order to be the interesting cool dudes ALOT of women (but not all, obviously) want, dudes have to withstand a lot of ridicule from other men.. which can DESTROY a man’s street cred.

So, essentially, your Man *might* just be saying shit like that to (impress his friends..cough) I mean to show his boys he’s not a “pussy whipped bitch” jusy because he has a steady girl now.

Alot of those dudes that I’m referring to are really shitty dudes.. they’re bullies.. many beat women and all sorts of shit, but this is the “nice guy” argument that too many (socially attractive) girls “reward” these assholes with sex.

I’m not talking creepy antisocial nerds, I’m just talking about self respecting men who take care of their health, don’t break laws, and would never cheat on his girlfriend.. but gets dumped for being “boring”.. for a convicted felon who bangs anything with a pulse.

Seriously. I’m more in the middle. I’ve slept with a decent amount of women, close to 40, but NEVER cheated.. and ive had 4 women i began sleeping with who LATER informed me of some boyfriend and ended it with her.

I’ve had close to 10 women who I was VERY close to sleeping with because these women were layin on the seductiveness but stopped myself because I knew they had husbands and/or fiances/boyfriends and it sickens me how many women AND men fucking cheat. I hate cheating with a passion.

Sorry for the tangent, but anyways, in defense for your boyfriend.. many, MANY dudes will say shit to other guys to protect their rep, not appear soft or gay, etc. ALSO.. if these other dudes sense weakness, many of them will attempt to steal his girlfriend which is NOT what he wants either.

However, it is totally possible he doesn’t give a shit about you, but unless you have some real evidence, look at his actions, not words & as for insecurities.. Its best to become outcome independent sooner than later.

The part about whether you and he are a good match is for you to decide, not any of your friends or the internet.. that relationship is for you and him.

Reply February 10, 2013, 11:33 am

jules

Thank you for your response. I’ve been wanting to talk to a dude thar can actually explain to me the way men’s minds work. It is so frustrating because I don’t have evidence and everything I’ve read has been by going behind his back so if I confront him im screwed so its a double edge sword. I know the internet is
not the place to go but I don’t really have men I can ask and I don’t want to hear advice from girlfriends because women tend to say yes hes cheating fuck h
im etc and my Goal is to understand if all men r this way. Im a great girl except for the fact that I get insecure about other women and stupid things like that. I feel like no matter how hot I may look there’s always hotter women and even not so hot that my man will look at and think about banging them. I know I prob sound like a young insecure girl but I’ve seen how much dirtbag men can be nd im just afraid of getting screwed over.

Reply February 10, 2013, 4:31 pm

jules

Do u think as a man that he would still say those things to not look like a pussy even though he has been friends with this dude for like 20 years? Again, sorry for breaking up the messages but its hard to type here from my phone. I hope you are right that he is just trying to not look like a pussy in front of his boy. It just sucks that I do not want to continue to look through his things but how do I know the truth of who he talks to and if he still flirts inappropriately with other women? I don’t want to be the psycho chick looking through his things but how do u find out otherwise? People say just trust or get out but people truly in love know its not that easy especially nowadays. I don’t have evidence but let’s face it… the world we live in is full of temptation and a lot of times u think u know someone and don’t. I hate cheaters and I’ve been hurt before. Why hurt someone if u care for them? It seems as if cheaters are too selfish and unable to suppress their desire to sleep with other people. I get it… we are human but y be in a relationship if u can’t resist temptation. Be freaking single and save someone the heart break.

Reply February 10, 2013, 4:46 pm

jillian

That was honestly the best explanation I could have asked for. I know inside that all this is true but in the heat of the moment my emotions seem to have more control.

Reply February 3, 2013, 4:34 pm

CountMackula

If the guy/girl is a known cheater, that’s a HUGE “red flag”. Keep looking.

I’ll offer a guy’s perspective on flirting thought. All I will say is, it’s natural to flirt, I think.

If your man talks to other women, that just means you have an attractive, sexy, fun type guy. Like me! However, if you want to stay with him, you need to let him know your expectations and be understanding of his.

Many women will tell their men he can go to a strip club, they’ll even go with him if he likes that, but they tell him he better come back home to her.

I totally do not give a rats ass if my girlfriend flirts with other guys for fun, I think it’s totally insecure to “get emotional” about a little flirting, as long as it’s tasteful [ie. maybe talkin' some trash but not grinding her a$$ on a dudes shlong on a dancefloor, that's slutty] & as long as she doesn’t get carried away and makes it clear to him she’s *not available* and comes back to me, OK. Also, she had better not try to make me jealous intentionally, that’s head games and I’ll tell her not to do it again or if I see it again, I’m going to start looking for her replacement, no extra chances.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me tiwce, shame on me. Don’t be a fool either. I’ve given two girls ever a 2nd chance. They both blew it. One, I gave a third chance, she decimated it. So, women get no second chances on “deal breaker” scenarios.

Some people “feel” this approach as “too nice” and expect alpha dudes/women to be controlling. I think it’s fair to trust, because I too want to flirt with women, but I think of it as “practicing” and keeping my skills sharp for my woman. I started to get closer to go “zero tolerance” for a while, but then you’re dumping women *a lot* because they like to be flirtaceous.

Two ex girlfriends ogo of mine would go apeshit though because I had Skype on my phone and knew I used to skype my ex girl who lived in Florida 900 miles away, even though I just got nutritional information from her.

She also got jealous of a girl who posted on my Facebook occasionally who I went to college with. That girl was and still is strictly a friend, I never even slept with that girl. She also was married, with two kids, and lives two states away and I’ve always known I’d never date her.

So, it’s silly sometimes what people assume.

However, even now, with my current girlfriend, I still flirt. I do it in front of her the same as I would when she’s not there. Only verbally and maybe sly looks, never geting physically though. Why? Again, it keeps my “game” good, if you will, and keeps me “grounded”. I’m perfectly happy with my girlfriend now and I wouldn’t cheat on her. I’d end it with her if I was truly unhappy and she wasn’t meeting my needs, as that one guy wrote.

Just make it clear to him, verbally, that you don’t like it and ask him why he feels he *needs* to do it. Don’t “provide him with a reason/an answer” by asking him with an assumption of why, ie. “Why do you flirt, is it just to keep your game good?” It’s too easy then for him to say, “yeah, that’s totally the reason baby. i totally care about you”. Just ask him why he feels the need to flirt? Then listen.

If he’s flirting with other women if it’s just to keep his game good for you and because he likes a little challenge, “just to see if he’s still got it”, or something like that, then tell him, OK, but tll him you have a zero tolerance for cheating so if he does, it’s over.

Then see how he acts, because I know plenty of men who just want to bang women and don’t make that clear, they lie about it to keep a girl on the hook while they play the field knowing that’s what the stereotype is of men, that’s a guy who’s done that so many times, that’s all he knows, and like that one guy said, you’re not going to change someone and maintain a healthy emotional connection, trust me, I’ve tried, you just push them away.

That’s what you want to avoid is being an “option” for someone, “in a relationship.” If you both are “dating” and it’s clear you’re both shopping around, then OK. If you both agree to be exclusive, not OK. If I’m not exlcusive with a woman, I assume at minimum that she could be dating other men and just focus on enjoying what time I spend with her and continue meeting and seeing other women until i either want to be exclusive or she does. Then we either agree or end it.

If it’s exclusive, that’s different. You *both* made that choice.

If you meet a guy and early on, he tells you, “I don’t want a relationship” or something, unless you want a no strings attached f-buddy, tell him that’s not what you want. Tell him if he keeps seeing you he needs to know that unless you’re exclusive, you’ll be seeing other men too, but if you want him to commit, you damn well better be ready yourself.

However, you should consider some of what that one guy mentioned above, not so muh that you’re doing thingswrong, but if you know he’s just flirting and DOES NOT cheat.. then, maybe you’re not satisfying his sexual needs quite as much as he desires.

*Sometimes* he wants you to “initiate” too and flirt with him a bit before he takes the lead. Sometimes, he wants you to rip his clothes off or unzip his pants after a hard day at work and give him something to get his mind off stressful sh!t. I know I’d like that. It makes a guy “feel like a man” when his woman does things like this.

Women and men get tired of the same partner, sometimes only one is willing to “spice it up”. If he’s honest and says he cares about you but he’d like to spice it up a little or something, maybe he wants you to initiate a bit. Some women get really insecure about how they feel about their bodies and things, they don’t “feel” attractive and are gauging some of it off how much their man initiates sex without considering if they could also try a few things.

If you want to test the waters, flirt with him a little. Try to remember what you did when you first met to attract him. Go get you hair did, get your nails done, get a hot new outfit or something and throw him some indicators and see if he gets fired up for you still. Send us a text at work and say, “Wait ’til you get home” and then don’t respond to any inquiries, but rock our world when we get home.

Sometimes, it gets too plain. I got bored with an ex who would just lay nude on the bed and say something like “just do what you want to me”. That’s cool sometimes, but not every night. Sometimes, guys want to see some new underwear or have you jump in the shower with us or we come home and you’re wearing just an apron in the kitchen or something.

It takes two to tango, so don’t assume you’re doing all you can and it’s all on him.

If you’re not giving us quality sex, we’ll find it, and there’s other women who will.

If *you’re* not interested in sex with us, tell us straight up to start looking for another woman to get it from, men hate wasting their time.

My 2 cents.

Reply November 19, 2012, 10:00 am

Foxxy1

First of all flirting in front of your woman is disrespectful. More props to her for being cool with that.
I just ended it with my man the second time because of this. I broke up with him the first time because he was flirting with some women and making some of them believe he was pursuing a friendly relationship with them knowing fully well these women want more. He loved the thrill of being wanted and knowing he still got it. Although I did not physically catch him have sex with them, I told him what my boundaries were and when he did it again I broke it off. It was painful. After two yrs of trying to understand him and cut him some slack, I just knew it wasnt what I wanted.
We started talking again after 7 mths and talked through all the issues. There wasnt really any aggressive effort from him to have me back other than rants of why I did it to us. Finally last week he broke down and apologized for all his stupid ways and applaud me for doing everything. I almost cried hearing him open up. Then the next day he did not call. I called and he told me he was waiting for who will call first and then even said that he went to sleep at a female friend house the night we spoke because he was bored and the house always make him miss me. I was like hmm swallowed it and we kept talking but it bothered me. I asked why he will tell me such a thing after a wonderful moment and he said he does it all the time to see if he still have this control where he can turn a female down and he was really excited telling me this like I am supposed to be proud of him.
Well that was it, this man will never change. I called him the next day and told him if he didnt want me there is no need for him taking me though the emotional roller coaster. He responded we are just friends and we are not in a relationship. Hmm wow an eye opener, so friends tell their friends they love them. Well so long for me assuming he has changed. I’m done with him. Men like you got issues. Period!

Reply November 27, 2012, 12:37 am

1geisha

Yeah, men do have issues, but I will not give up. It just sucks to have to go through this, I know! But, we’ll find someone to be totally down for us, and not take the bait! It’s their issues, not ours!

Reply November 28, 2012, 5:23 pm

CountMackula

It’s fine.

I was aware my post would likely draw criticism.

Merely looked to offer perspective.

For the record, I’ve yet to meet the perfect person with no issues.. men and women included.

Surely, it hurts you.

So, you need to separate yourself enough to self reflect.

My words are my own experiences.

Not that I should need to qualify myself, but studying dating and relationships has been a huge interest of mine for a long time.

I agree, don’t give up.

Become more selective.

Develop criteria and stick to your guns.

Reflect upon yourself (no, not saying anything is your fault) and decide what is most important to you and screen based on your criteria. Be willing to BE what you want.

Grouping me with “him” is unfair to myself, or any new prospect, but life’s not always fair so you’re fine, I’m not offended..but, it is still a fact that you are jealous. You’re “blaming” him for how YOU feel based on his actions. NOT saying you are WRONG to feel how you do, you’re not.. it’s how you feel.. but you do have choices.. the pain will reduce.. trust me, there are times when women show friendly interest and then when men make a move she doesn’t want him any more..and when we’re younger, we get angry.. i never understood this until i was hurt by a woman, but I have made conscious efforts to NOT allow past experience “penalize” new women..

Learn to generate strength from learning from your experience, generate your own happiness without needing others to generate it (but don’t alienate yourself from society to do so, or you’re missing out on opportunities to meet new people and live a fulfilling life), & learn to build confidence from within by putting yourself in challenging situations outside of your comfort zones and via friendship.

Build life lasting friendships and look for men who fit into your reality, keeping in mind, opposites attract and commonalities will give like goals and values to build upon.

Place lower importance on words and more on actions. Dated a woman who spoke less English and it’s amazing what can be communicated without words..

Reply November 28, 2012, 6:02 pm

Foxxy1

I just wanted to update everyone on my plight. Please read my response above for a back up history of how I broke up with my unserious flirtatious man.
Well after the final break up, I had no contact with him at all. I was surprised to not hear from him. two months after the final break up, he got engaged to one of the women he was flirting with. She doesn’t even live in the States. I know of her as the clingy crying and whining one who wouldn’t let go. And this is the one he decided to settle with?

I just don’t get it. it’s been 6months and it still hurts. All types of questions keep brewing in my head Two years of dealing with BS and looking out for a man who did not have nothing when I met him. He finally gets back on his feet and walks away just like that? Was my relationship just all lies and fantasy? No, it couldn’t be. We were both planning a future together hence the reason why I was doing so much. What an ungrateful bastard. How did I allow such a thing to happen to me. I’ve never chased a man or desperately wanted one. He came after me and promised never to hurt me.

How can I start over again and give my heart to another after someone I trusted let me down and dissapointed me? What kind of insecurity makes a man so wicked. He couldn’t even call or text me to inform me of the decision he made.

The same lady he told me “we are just friends” is the one he chose to live the rest of his life with and all she did was rack up his international call bills. She was not there when he could barely pay his rent because he lost his father and job at the same time. She is much younger than me and knew he was not faithful, yet she hung in there and got my MAN. Makes me wonder, should I have hung in there a little longer. It only took him 6 mths from our first breakup and 3 mths from final break up for him to grow up? Why did he not choose me when all he knew I wanted was for him to change? I’m speechless.

Since then, I have been happy and working out more and watching my diet and making healthy choices.. I feel great but every now and then like today when I come to this kind of site and read what you all are going through, I fall back to this hopeless, bitter girl who is trying to be strong but really despises men and don’t want to ever fall in love or let anyone have my heart again.

Good luck to those of you out there trying to give men like this a chance. I hope it works out. I know what I want now. I will pay attention to actions than words because words so sweet was what this a*hole gave me and dreams were what he sold to me. I was never in his league he was threatened and knew exactly what he was doing. Tested me and broke me down instead of just being plain honest and tell me we can’t work out.

I am extra careful now. Although not completely ready to date, I am trying to open myself up to a little bit of flirting. When I am ready and meet the man I think can complete me, I will still take my time to let him be the MAN and do right by me before I trust him with my heart again.

Word to the wise- Never let a man have you until he has paid his dues and proved to you that he is worthy. Words do not prove worthiness. People can study words to know the right ones to use with you. People cannot fake actions for long. When you meet the RIGHT one, you will know and it will be so unreal you almost want to doubt yourself.

Hang in there Lovebirds. Love doesn’t hurt, wrong people hurt you.

April 25, 2013, 9:29 am

1geisha

Okay, so what do I do? I recently went to a party with my boyfriend (been together about 1 +year / has a history of horrible cheating w/ past girlfriends, and is always accusing ME of cheating) and my newly single cousin– She’s attractive / kinda a hoe too, but hides it well. So we go to a party, and 1) we’re all dancing together, and she felt offended, and had to stop my “boyfriend” from “touching her thigh”. 2)She kisses him on the cheek at some point during the evening. 3) She asked my boyfriend and I to kiss in front of her at one point (WEIRD) Then I see his hand on her lower back at one point, and caught him looking at her. Of course, the next day, nobody remembers because they were drinking. Please help!? I think I’ve got the answer, but just need confirmation. They both seriously creeped me out, and especially with his past, and I know MY COUSIN! But it was alot of chemisty going on that night. Thanks, All!

Reply November 11, 2012, 1:32 am

Carissa

Funny enough, this is EXACTLY what I was looking for in the first place. I mean my boyfriend isn’t a “sexy conversation with other women” type, but he does impulsively flirt with the majority of women. No, what I was looking for that was answered with this article was the second part where you talked about changing people, insecurities, and personalities. In some ways it’s like you knew us and answered my questions.

For starters, am I insecure? Yes, very, for multiple reasons that my boyfriend’s aware of. In addition, my boyfriend was the type that played the field, even when we met which is why I was so absolutely reluctant to agree to being in a relationship with him. What my problem is, is that I don’t want to believe he has any desire to change, especially not for me, but everything he’s doing has been showing he wants to. For example, I’m his first girlfriend, when he knows something bothers me, he talks about it, when my friends give him advice (since he doesn’t always know how to act in some situations) he listens. Through all of it though, I don’t want to believe him, but he’s been nothing but kind and sweet to me. An issue I have is that with tolerance, I have a hard time determining what my “limits” are as I’ve never explicitly talked about them, and I tend to be a very accepting and forgiving person. Enough so that my best friend tells me I can be sugar coated sometimes.

Anyways! I’m blathering on and on. My point was that somehow this article answered all of my questions in one go, and assuming I understand this (and a couple other articles I read) correctly, it’s generally a good idea not to over analyze things that men do and give them space to come and go as they please, at least regarding friends and things like that. Rather than feeling like it’s necessary that they spend a set amount of time with their girlfriend? I’m hoping I read that right, now I’m starting to doubt myself! Thank you :)

Reply November 6, 2012, 2:09 am

Ashley

I am a year into it with a guy who moved 3 hours from his home town to be with me. He had a traumatic child hood of losing his mother at a young age and having horrible step moms. Since he moved here he doesn’t want sex. We had great sex before the move. He is committed and we are together all the time. I recently found that he was having multiple online chats and messages and photos with women very explicitly and sexual.The way he was with me before the move. He says he needs the ego boost and is addicted to the attention. I feel that is his insecurity of feeling unwanted and I would be fine witht he validation seeking if we were having sex. At first I thought he was gay but he obviously is not. We have had sex 1 time in 8 months and I love him dearly. We have so much fun togehter and get along like I never have with anyone. He says he felt guilty about what he was doing and could not have sex with me because of it. My fear is there is a deep rooted issue relating me to a comfort like his mom or a companion. He said he never thought he would have a women like me and constantly tells me he loves me. We are affectionate but no cookie. (excuses). While he moved here to be with me he has not let his other place go and has not moved here except clothes and job. He hasnt even moved his mail. He says he doesn’t feel this is his home because I have threatened to kick him out. I literally try to discuss this issue and it gets dismissed. I don’t want to lose him but I am afraid that is becoming my only option. Someone please shed some light for me.

Reply October 15, 2012, 9:16 am

saby

The man has some serious issues because of a trauma. If he says he loves you, believe him. Go to a therapist with him

Reply November 13, 2012, 2:25 am

sharon

Too funny regarding the 15 year old..similiar experience with my 18 year old niece. SHe met my boyfriend for the first time. He is absolutely gorgouse. He looks like a perfect bonde hair blue eyed cyborg but he is Russian. Sort of like the guy from Rocky movie. So. we are in the living room at her house visting my sister. She walks in with shorts. That is normal, but all of the sudden she wants to show off all the splits she can do and flinging her head with her hair going everywhere. I thought this little monster. She then began dancing in front of my boyfriend to a video on TV. I mean hey, she is my niece and I love her, but I know when someone is flirting with my man. She dances and then I get up and dance and had to show this young chick how its done. I mean I am hot and sexy, and I am one of the luck women who get better with age, so this 18 year old had nothing on me. IT’s just weird or lines can be crossed at times. I just never expected anything like that form her.

Reply October 11, 2012, 10:12 am

Daisy

My boyfriend admitted he was flirting with other girls on FB, girls from his old HS. We haven’t been connecting as much as before so he said maybe he flirted because of that. He told me because i confronted him about a comment he made on a girls wall. I noticed he called one of them wifey, he asked that one girl to “kick it” when he found out she lived literately down the street. Today i asked him if he has ever met with any of them, how he flirted, how far did he go with the flirting….i genuinely trust he will give me an honest response. He said he never met with any of them and he never flirted with the intentions to cheat on me, physically nor emotionally. We been together for a little over a year. Ever since he admitted he flirted…like 3 weeks ago, i been asking questions to clarify the situation here and there (like 3 times ives asked at most this past weeks). I want to move forward but i want closure regarding this situation…he told me today after asking him a question regarding the flirting n he said “i am so annoyed you keep bringing this up again and again, im trying to move forward” he continued by saying “i rather watch football and study then talk about this issue”. I admit i dont trust him the way i used to, im the kind of person that doesnt trust people off the batt and when i do, i do it blindly, i trusted him blindly, i have never thought he would ever give me a reason to think he would be capable of cheating, but after he admitted to flirting only because i confronted him, now i do not have the same trust. Just this week he liked a girls picture, a girl that is one of many girls he flirted with, he makes me feel like he still flirting. I know he thinks his trying to fix the situation although he hasn’t done much, his just being his old self, but liking a pic of a girl he flirted with is a dumb move. I told him it bothered me and he got bothered that it bothered me that much. Until i explained in detail why it did. I feel like he thinks because he apologized about the flirting that i shoudn’t bring anything about it up again. I have questions that i feel need answer to close the issue and move forward but he cant seem to answer them without getting bothered..he thinks because he can move forward then i should to just like him. He is the one that flirted and im the one trying really hard to trust him and yet it seems things should be on his terms and i should be moving on at the same pace he is. Doesnt he realize is not that easy? what should i do?? Am i over thinking (which is what he likes saying i do a lot) and maybe i should just drop it? although i still have questions that leave me with doubts?

Reply September 23, 2012, 9:46 pm

Nicole

I too have had this situation arise recently. My bf and I have been together 2 1/2 years. He recently deactivated his FB account and told me his password. I looked at his old messages and found he was heavily and inappropriately flirting with 6 different women from his hs days during a 3 week period of time we were apart a year and a half ago. He had disable his FB account shortly after I came back
In town. The horrible and difficult thing is that he actually did go out with one of the women!! I was devastated as I truly felt secure in our relationship. When I confronted him he admitted to everything and said he was ashamed and embarrassed which is why e deactivated account in first place. I have trusted him fully in what he has tOld me because it wasn’t pretty and I have decided to continue our relationship which I believe is and will be strOnger than ever. The pain and humiliation of looking like a fool is very real and hard to move on from but my BF has accepted accountability and has DELELTED his FB permanently because he said our relationship was worth more. At time of flirtation and cheating (going out w other woman) he said he was fearful of commitment and went on an all raging eff up virtual road trip. I think it’s fair that you are hurt and untrusting and your guy needs tO allow you your questioning his every word. One time sorry is not enough if he truly recognizes what he did to you emotionally and to you relationship l. If he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore then before you are ready for clOsure then I believe that’s all the answer you need. Good luck, I wish
You the best and know you are not alone!

Reply October 24, 2012, 7:58 pm

saby

This is a great article. I personally have this situation with a dude, and I realized all dudes flirt. Even if they have company. Even if the girlfriend is smoking hot and the flirt is not. They do it because they can, and since you won’t leave them for that, they will keep doing it. So, you leave a man who flirts, and the next guy will flirt as well probably. So, you only have a few options
1. Try lesbianism because all men flirt, even in relationships
2. Try flirting too, but not with him around. It’s worth to cheat also !
3. Try to accept it and live with it

Reply September 20, 2012, 1:22 am

Jamie

Okay! So my bf is 34 and this little girl is 15. So we go over to his friends house and his ex girlfriends daughter was there she lives with him. Anyways we leave and go back next thing you know she wearing a very short little dress before that she was wearing a tee and shorts. My boyfriend was outside with his friend and she goes outside right away as soon as I go inside but she came back in asking me where did they go. Didn’t answer her because I didn’t know lol anyways she’s giggling saying I’m not going to wear this today I don’t know why I put it on. Anyways she’s prouncing around for awhile in front of us while we are watching tv which is annoying me. So every time he walks by her she’s playfully fighting with him, swears at him and giggles. Trying to share her food with him basically telling him taste this. But he keeps saying no and she continuously Bugs him. So anyways we stayed at his friends all day and we were watching tv she was sitting on the other couch every time he walks by her she kicks her feet up in front of him. Constantly doing this so she kicks him and he’s like did you just kick me and she’s like I didn’t try kick your balls :/ I’m like what? And she put her foot out in front of him kept bugging him to rub her foot? She’s always watching him I’m serious it’s weird… Anyways let me know what you guys think…. I really don’t know how they are when I’m not around….. How should I talk to him about this I find it inappropriate also while she was bugging him to rub her foot he’s like yeah it’s not happening and she says what I rubbed your back and I’m like what? He’s like no you didn’t! She’s like yeah when you were drunk.. Ugh! Anyways is this kid flirting with my boyfriend and he’s allowing it to happen?

Reply September 17, 2012, 3:34 pm

jorge

Yeah I do believe she is flirting with your boyfriend. However I wouldn’t be too much up in arms, he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating and it seems obvious that he’s bugged by it too. Just pull her aside one day and tell her tell that what she’s doing isn’t cute or funny, and that she should focus on nabbing guys who are single and her own age. I mean she’s fifteen, and I doubt she poses as a legitimate threat to your relationship.

Reply September 17, 2012, 4:07 pm

CountMackula

Yup. She’s flirting & lying most likely.
Most dudes I know think like this “..if she isn’t 18, that’s 25 to life in a federal pen.. it’s just not worth it and there are plenty “of age”, ie “legal”, women. Unless your man is a total asshole (& I’m not saying he is or isn’t because I don’t know him) chances are he’s legit and not doing anything shady with a 15 year old. I think your guy is normal & she is just trying to make you jealous to split you two up (potentially) by trying to get you to react, blow up on your BF and potentially sabotage your relationship.. if you women notice, this is how a “child” acts.. if you still act like this girl and you’re an adult.. you may have issues

Reply March 5, 2013, 3:26 pm

abbey

Question1: Hey, if a guy was flirting with a girl how would the conversation go?
Question2: I’m shy around guys and everything i say in my head doesn’t come out of my mouth right and it makes me sound stupid or weird. How can i get better at talking to guys, any advice would be nice.

Reply September 12, 2012, 7:06 pm

Samantha

Okay so I like this guy alot and he likes me alot as well, we hooked up a few times, nothing sexual… but we have come to care for each other. But here is the thing, I am in school everyday and my boyfriend goes to school with me (not guy 1) but he is the sweetest guy around. He has been there for me throw it all. But I care alot about this other dude as well, and I think I am falling in love with him but its hard, to handle this. I told my bf that I hung out with the dude, but I had forgot to tell him about us kissing in his car and all the other few things we did. I feel bad about it but I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. But I don’t want to lose (guy1) either.
I feel bad about keepin this a secert from them, there is only one other person who knows about this and thats my bestfriend. She is like it’s okay, but I am always feeling bad about this. What should I do? Please help?!
Broken-Heart- Ms!

Reply September 12, 2012, 9:06 am

Lara

This is great Eric ! I agree ! I do wonder though, that after setting the boundary with your guy ,wont he just go underground with his flirting and sexy talk ?? and find ways of carrying on carrying on without ‘me’ knowing ??! Oh my trust oh my trust where have you gone ?! lol ! ;) I am not with anyone right now but i have been in this situation before … !

Reply September 8, 2012, 4:01 am

Lana

this is so true

Reply September 7, 2012, 12:07 pm

Nay

I love this because I am on the other side of the equation. I love to flirt by nature and when I was in other relationships I got punished a lot for my flirting behavior and obviously those relationships didn’t worked. My actual BF understand that I love flirting and he actually encourage me to do it BC he gets excited when he sees me doing my “thing”. We have a great relationship, I am not missing anything and if he asked me to stop doing it, I would, but a part of me will die with it, and most likely our relationship won’t be the same.

Reply September 6, 2012, 5:12 pm

Confused

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2+ years. I recently went to use the iPad and noticed he started up conversations with 5 women. Included in these messages were personal details about our relationship. Matters we haven’t even discussed yet. Inviting girls to events that he hasn’t asked me to go to. Starting up convos with ex-flings. Etc. AND these messages were sent from my house. Possibly even after we were intimate. This in my opinion is first tier cheating.

I’m ready to confront. I feel this is untrustworthy and shady. And causes too much stress. I have a daughter to raise and If this were her……. i’d tell her to run….as fast as she could.

Its confusing…… in front of our family and friends he expresses how much he loves me and how great everything is. He is def a busy man and goes out of his way to please me….and be there. BUT the chats with other women bug the crap out of me. This is a boundary i want to set ASAP.

Can it just be that he is not ready to be tied down? That he is on his way to being unfaithful? Or are you going to tell me he has issues and should see a shrink??? LOL ;)

Any insight to the male mind would be great.

Reply September 4, 2012, 11:23 pm

Sansa

This article works for women readers because a majority of women who are reading this stuff are struggling with creating and enforcing boundaries they create (as per the article). Which is why a lot of women are so appreciative of this article, which instead of addressing the issue of the lack of respect given by the man, sets the adjustments needing to made by the women, i.e. lighten up. Men are appreciative of this article because it enforces the negative behavior publically, therefore… it must be right.
Plain and simple, if a man feels the need to get his attentions from another women, other than his significant other, physically or emotionally he probably should not be in a relationship. Jealousy, is a natural emotion to give women a HINT, that something is wrong. Of course, all emotions can be blown out of proportion, however one should not exclude the emotion all together… besides, women were blessed with intuition for a reason. If you’re coming to find the answers to questions ANSWERED by a man, you’re probably going to get the same un bias opinion by a man.
If you feel like you’re not happy. Find someone else who makes you happy. I think we can all agree on that.

Reply August 27, 2012, 11:40 am

Elizabeth McGreevy, Austin

I think you writing “I give him everything” is the key. It seems as though you feel like you give and you give, but he’s not giving you what you want or need.

Reply August 16, 2012, 12:26 am

amin dudua

I am sorry but this is just a load of tosh. I do not understand why everyone is saying, ooohh, how helpful and so on. Understanding? Understand what? Why should she understand? Why can he not be the one to understand. My dear, if he does not care enough about you to take your feelings into consideration, you are wasting your time. Listen to yourself and how you feel about this because if it makes you unhappy and you go down the road of understanding (or try to), you will never understand. The one thing that can be said for Eric’s post is this: know your boundaries and enforce them. Be happy, for you. Do not waste time with a drainer. Go for a radiator, someone who brings out the best in you and has your best interests at heart. Does not sound to me like the man you are talking about gives a hoot about you. Stop kidding yourself and live your life. Life is too short, sweetie!!!

Reply August 13, 2012, 4:24 pm

Eric Charles

I think you summed it all up with: “I do not understand why everyone is saying, ooohh, how helpful and so on.”

Reply August 14, 2012, 12:18 am

Elizabeth McGreevy, Austin

“like”

Reply August 16, 2012, 12:16 am

Reece

like x100

Reply September 1, 2012, 9:41 am

sandra

Amen

Reply September 10, 2012, 9:10 am

load of crap

Thank you admin dudua you hit the nail right on the head! This guy is flirting and cheating and she is kidding herself if she thinks otherwise! Clearly the man has overstepped the boundaries because she is not happy or else she wouldn’t be asking. I truly feel for her because I had a boyfriend who flirted and asked other women to kick it with him all the time. Gave out his phone number so they could text and meet up but told me it was all innocent! What a load of crap! Stop wasting your time and do let the door nob hit his asss!!@## on the way out!

Reply October 21, 2012, 9:59 pm

eta cross

This post is so helpful. It’s like you’re echoing what my boyfriend is saying to explain his behavior. Now, after many times of finding out his flirtations, I decided I really need get some space for us. I realized I still have trust, self-esteem and rationalization issues I have to work on alone to determine if we can move forward our relationship. It’s sad though because per our last talk, we were already planning to get married next year. I think people have to do some letting go to know who’s willing to go back then stay for keeps. First day without him. Cheers to me.

Reply August 5, 2012, 8:32 pm

revs81

girl shows no interest in me and flirt with my friend in front of me then when he’s not around flirts with me. I dont understand what should i do?

Reply August 5, 2012, 8:57 am

Jorge

I cannot express to you how unbelievably thankful I am that you wrote this. I’m gay and I tend to go in and out of this nagging feeling of insecurity when I “notice” (more like creep on) even the slightest signs of flirtation between my boyfriend and others. The deal with me however is that it’s not that he seeks flirtation out, but that the guys flirt with him and even make obvious comments of attraction. We aren’t friends on facebook due to previous fights about this issue. He’s told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because I wasn’t like other guys and that I trusted him and didn’t doubt his devotion, which I pride myself on being most times. It’s just that sometimes my insecurities get the best of me and I see these other guys as a threat when all my boyfriend does is “like” their comments about a photo of his on facebook, and he doesn’t even reciprocate! I know I’m being completely ridiculous but it’s almost like an addiction in that I almost revel in this self-pity. I’ve learned not to point it out to him anymore as I understand this is something I need to work on myself, seeing as how I cannot control other people’s actions whatsoever. Reading your post has allowed me to realize that this is not personal at all, that my boyfriend is an attractive man, and that I need to maintain the confidence and personality that he fell in love with. I don’t consider myself unnattractive, but I know I need to stop with this jealousy and comparison. It could very well be a subconcious need for affirmation, perhaps on both parts.

Again, a million thanks for posting this. I’ll remember this if I’m feeling low in the future.

Reply August 3, 2012, 5:11 pm

Z

Thank you! I have been stressing to the point of not eating over my boyfriend’s flirtatious nature. I am constantly on his Facebook and every comment ate at me. I cried a lot. However, I didn’t confront him, because he explained to me that it was the reason why a lot of his relationships didn’t work: girls were jealous and complained about his interactions with other girls. I also didn’t want him to think I wanted to or was trying to change him, another big reason he told me resulted in failed relationships. I was scared, so I bottled up the hurt and let it hurt me instead. However, reading this article has made me approach the situation and look at it more realistically and maturely. I stopped blaming myself for not being enough and am now looking at it from a perspective of what it does for him and why he does it, without factoring the part about why he does it when he has me, why he’s okay with hurting me like this, why doesn’t he care enough… etc. Again, thank you so much.

Reply July 27, 2012, 12:33 pm

Billie

You have no clue how much this post helped me.

I’ve never really looked at my boyfriend’s social networking pages intently until I found a whole twitter where he was hitting on hot girls. Pointing out how beautiful they are, them responding back. It was sick to me.

So, I took matters into my own hands. Started hitting on men, went out on a date or two. And made sure he’d be able to see it.

And, he didn’t take it very well… He accused me of cheating, which I thought was funny because I thought he was. I mean, he had an entire Twitter where he hit on girls!

I then pointed out his twitter account to him, was honest that it irked me. And, to me, his flirtations felt like cheating. I didn’t feel special about anything he said to me because someone elsewhere got comments about how pretty they were.

Then, he let a side of him show that I’ve never seen. He told me that he needs “constant affirmation that he’s okay.” And the flirting helps him combat that.

Honestly, I never really thought that I was the confident one in this relationship until this point. I’ve never really had the need to be affirmed in anything.

The flirting was not about me, was not about him trying to cheat on me or anything about me for that matter.

However, I did decide that we needed a break to look over things. If he wasn’t confident, maybe he needed time for himself to get to that point. You know? Because I’m not really one to put up with poor behavior. I think if you need self-assurance, you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings in the process.

For a week, I’d get nothing but calls and “I’m sorry” voicemails and “I miss you” texts. And, in the back of my head, I could feel his insecurities.

I understood that the flirting wasn’t about him wanting to actively go out and have sex with other women. It was because he didn’t feel good enough about himself even just for himself.

Still, to say that I’m unsure about things and where I stand would be an understatement. I told him that it was okay if he flirted with others. Just not to the extent of asking them out.

We’re back together, and working through things.

I told him that if I did catch him flirting too much, that I would want to break up again. And he understands this. I think he does.

But, this post helped me to understand that most people seek out affirmation. For him, it’s that he’s not attractive enough. For me, it’s probably something else out there.

It’s really hard to forgive people, but how else can we help one another in a relationship? Or in life for that matter!

I’m sorry, this was probably too long!

Reply July 2, 2012, 8:54 am

amin dudua

You go girl. Boundaries and enforcement. This is the problem everywhere, not just in relationships. You can have all the rules you want etc but if you are unable to enforce them or do not, nobody will take your rules seriously. It’s a fact of life, love, politics etc And your post is not too long. I enjoyed reading it!! Kudos to you!!!

Reply August 13, 2012, 4:34 pm

Joyce

You are the best relationship coach/blogger out there. Your blend of sass, sensibility, psychology, and hard-knocks experience is brilliant (and very helpful). When is the book coming out?

Reply June 10, 2012, 1:34 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much Joyce – I really appreciate that. The book is coming out soon… getting the final things in place to sell it has been a long process, but we’re very close.

Reply June 11, 2012, 2:44 am

John

Eric – Dude! I *SO* want to be like you!

Reply June 4, 2012, 5:27 pm

Eric Charles

Haha… you could be, man. The audience here likes your feedback and I’m always glad to see when you’ve posted a comment. I’d give you a shout out if you ever started your own thing. In the meantime, I’m glad to have you around dude.

Reply June 5, 2012, 8:47 pm

Dia

Hi Eric, I am unable to write to you in separate post. So please ans me and I would be glad to hear back from you on this relationship issue that I am going through. I have been in a relationship with a guy I met at work and now he says he doesn’t find me as the same person I was , which is true I kinda get over possessive at times, and yes he did have genuine plans with me in the beginning and now he quit the company and moving to a different place or altogether to a different country of which I and he is not sure yet, for a better opportunity. It is getting difficult for me to see him go away and with he recent behavior of being in a pulled away state ( no calls , no talks , no meet ups :( hardly says could say taht he misses me or loves me ) it kills me when he just ridicules about anything regarding our relationship or in a fun way he says i have gf maybe i will go n stuff like that … and moreover now he says I do not want to get married as dt s just not the ultimatum , he says what if we end up in divorce i cant think of something like .. he says instead y dont we live in n be ourselves .. For me marriage is imp and staying wid a person for sometime i cant think of walking out of that relation would do anything to work it out any.. I need your help to get this guy back to me and let him assure me that he is with me .. well as far as I have know out of hardly spent time toghethr in entire 6 months that he is honest and not a very flashy guy. I know he does love me but the intensity has gne down now which is bothering me like hell coz yes there maybe other attraction which I am insecure about :( please I love him crazy now … I have fear of loosing him which I do not want … Please help me with the something that would give me clarity over the situation and give me strngth to work things out .. he is going out of town and returns on jun 16 and aftrwhich he plans to pack n leave frm the city where we live .. i asked him to spend a day or 2 with me so that we will have the time as he is going out of city and we dont when is the next time we would meet and he tells me taht he has to look fr the job and other stuff has to be sorted , but my point is jus obe or 2 day wouldnt hamper everything coz after i dont knw when i would see him. please suggest what to do

Reply June 6, 2012, 2:53 pm

saloni

can u please mention the city .. where u r living.. i’m a liitle shocked after reading what all you have written.. bcz smthing like this is happening with me also.. ma bf is also shifting.. aah.. same thing :( .. i know its stupid.. but i,m going through same prob these days.. m getting mad .. gv me sm details if poosible.. :( plzz..

Reply June 14, 2012, 10:48 am

Dia

me n my bf are in hyd n u ????? please tell me

June 14, 2012, 10:57 am

Dia

Saloni I dont think so it wld b my bf … as I have met him at work n I know he wouldn’t that .. and I hope we are just going through same phase … Let me know whr r u .. if u happen to be in hyd maybe we can chat up sometime … I hope things get better with u .. take good care of ur self …. :) reply me i have left my FB and gmail id fr u … maybe i can be of any help to u and I would love to do that …

June 14, 2012, 11:16 am

saloni

hehe.. big releif.. :P :).. n bw .. u left me ur id?? where.. ?? would love to be in touch with you.. :) .. temme how can i contact you… :) ”hugs” :))

Reply June 14, 2012, 3:21 pm

Laurel

I don’t believe that flirting is necessarily a consequence of lack. As Eric suggested with his ex, flirting can often be about abundance… a natural joy in connecting with someone in a special way.

Nor do I believe that one person can ever be capable of meeting all of your needs. Friends and family are essential in a ‘whole’ life, and there are many ways of connecting with the various people.

The key here is that a connection with another person does not detract from your relationship, if it comes from a safe, genuine place. Love begets love! Encourage your partner to connect with people in healthy ways and watch the joy it brings both of you!

Reply May 11, 2012, 12:39 am

Stephanie

Or she can just go talk to the other guys….and it will make him forget about his problem and put his focus back on the girl. What bf wants you talking to another guy? its one thing if your dating a person who is just friendly and talks to anyone, but also keeps his attention on you..that you have to just accept and not take personally, but if he ignores you at parties to talk to other girls, thats a whole other story.

Reply May 2, 2012, 8:55 pm

xena

Well, we really can’t make people understand us or even themselves especially when you fancy yourself as in love. I was once in a relationship that I felt more trapped than growing with the partnership. I was continuously reprimanded by my ex to do this, wear that and avoid doing that. At first I was very understanding since I felt that my ex was doing me a favor of telling me what’s good for me (and of course I was eager to please my ex as well) but eventually, I became too self conscious and too negative. It was a fatal blow on my part since i really consider myself a headstrong and outgoing person..but when my ex continued doing the nagging and stuff…I felt so unhappy and soon people around me became distant as well coz I was shunning them away due to my ex’s constant reprimanding. Then soon..I retaliated against my ex and the relationship..I became too distant to even care about the manipulations–I just stopped caring. Soon we broke up (errr..my ex broke up with me, blaming me for everything..sure I admit I have had mistakes but ALL OF IT??)..and thank god!! Although the break up was a helluva ride (typical scenarios..my ex wanted me back and vice versa but I opted to put a stop to the cycle). Thanks to that person anyway..I learned a lot..and I have become a better person. My ex has exemplified a case of codependency and scheming manipulations that, at that time, I was too blind, deaf and mute to take in..To think that I am a psychology practitioner added to the fatal blow..darn..well, I’m not a mutant after all (haha)..

Reply May 1, 2012, 1:49 pm

Me

I dont know where to post my question and i really would like a guy to answer it. A nuetral one so im posting it here out of desperation.
This is going to sound so weird but anyway. Ive been friends with this guy all my life and well in the cirlces he moves inter racial dating is taboo.He does care what people say but also doesnt.We started seeing eachother and things were great.Yes I knew the comments and stuff bothered him but he always came up for me. He told me then we should just be friends with benefits and i said fine but also told him if he sleeps around we should stop he agreed. Some chick showed interest in him and he told me he went to see her a few times. I told him it was over. She came to know about us and dumped him. He doesnt understand its over. He does when he is sober but he still demands to know where I am and with who. Always accusing me of being a whore, Tells me he regrets ever hooking up with me cause I am ugly ( not true so by the way.lol), Goes insane when I go out with other people saying im hurting him and im cheating on him and thats why he doesnt trust me just sick stuff like that. Firstly weve been friends all our lives and he never once was like this he was my best friend up until all of this. If it was the colour thing well he broadcasted to everyone who didnt even need to know and still does. I never hurt or betrayed or gave him reason to think this so why would he unleash all this hurt into my life and still claim he loves me when it suits him. I dnt get what I did wrong and why doesnt he leave me alone if Im such a whore. Yes intimacy was the highlight for us but still im sure he can get it somewhere else. Please tell me what is going on here.
sorry but I had to. Thanks guys

Reply April 20, 2012, 7:20 am

Strong

I agree with because I am in the same situation except for the statement which said “You chose him” No I did not choose this man flirting and sexting other women. If I had known, I will never have agreed to a relationship. It was devastating when I found out this was what he was about. I packed my bags and was ready to walk out on him that very day but he pulled me back on bended begging me to stay. I told him to try to help me understand why he is doing this. He told me “this behavior has been a part of him for a long time after his long time girlfriend broke his heart”. He promised me that he is working on it and he will change.

I made a conscious decision to stay. Like Eric said that was him calling my bluff the first time. Like Eric also said, it is better to try to understand the situation. I started snooping on him and analyzing every single email and IM messages to these women to figure out what was going on. I also went as far as contacting psychic about the situation. It all boiled down to the conclusion that he does not have any feelings for these women. He enjoys the exchange words of love and actually amuses him how so many women fall for it. Some of these women I confirmed he has never met before yet they are so in love with him and singing their undying love for him.

The next step was to figure out if I can deal with it hopefully he will change since I also found out that he was cutting them off slowly. This is too much for me. I am only one woman. Distant was already an issue. I cannot keep up with this. I had to break it off after many empty threats to walk. I relaize I was just saying it but never did. The day he actually told me I was making empty threats was when it dawned on me that I really have to put my walk into action. I am so glad I did. I feel so alive and free. It’s a narsaccistic behavior at its best. Nobody should put up with it.

After I broke up with him, I snooped again and noticed he did not even wait a week before going back to the past women and start contacting them away. This means that he was changing for me and for being there for so long. It means he wasn’t really changing for himself. Because if he was, then he will truly continue the changes even if he is to find another woman to end up with it.
I thank God I dodged a lifelong headache in my life by walking away and not fearing that I will lose him.

Reply April 20, 2012, 1:25 am

Strong

So true. I was axtually ok with my man’s flirting behavior as long as I knew it was harmelss and meant nothing until a year after he completely went out of line. We went to a party together and he was tecting another female in the same party. When he went back to his state, it wasn’t even less than a week he pays for her ticket to fly over to see him. We fought about this and did not talk for a month. I accepted him back and we never really harshed out the issue because he lied that he was doing his friend a favor.

I think that was my que to walk but because I stayed, he continued.
So I agree the minute the boundaries of honest flirting is crossed, then that becomes a problem. There is no love when there is no respect. Respect comes with love. If your partner dont care enought o respect you, he dont really love you.

Reply April 20, 2012, 1:33 am

Lindsay

i agree with what Eric said, another take i have because i have dated the serial flirter many times, i realized it was less about me and what i was giving to him and more about what he was lacking within himself. I think as much as women need to have confirmation of their desirability by the way other men interact or respond to them, men need this too. It’s like this…when i think of why i don’t like when my boyfriend is flirting with other woman, it is because i feel when he says things to me that confirm my desirability, the words become meaningless when you hear him saying them to other women whether it be sexy talk or something deeper. Im not saying that we should provide our own validation and be responsible for our own confidence, because that is important, but im also being a realist in saying that we gauge our desirability on how people respond to us, so from time to time we test our effectiveness our on other people, we flirt, if the flirting is reciprocated we are still desirable…its not as simple as i described, but generally this is the idea in most cases…We are social creatures and its almost impossible to not flirt with the opposite sex. Im trying to point out here that flirting in general is harmless…it gets problematic if the flirting becomes inappropriate, for example, if hes not just talking about sex in general with someone else, but he is talking about having sex with the person who isnt his girlfriend, or if he is suggesting they meet up, those are all unacceptable acts, because it becomes less about validation of desirability (an innate need in all of us) and more about conquest and lack of respect for their partner…an intent to cheat is completely different than flirting…this is just my very simplistic interpretation of the flirting topic

Reply April 19, 2012, 5:40 pm

Alina

thank you for this post. honestly, thank you, you’ve just opened my eyes on the issue…

Reply April 18, 2012, 7:53 am

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