Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Flirts With Other Women post image

Ask a Guy: My Boyfriend Flirts With Other Women

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and  I do not understand why he won’t stop flirting with other girls. I give him everything that he needs sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally, but still he flirts with other girls and has sexy conversations with them.  He never meets up with them, though.

I know he loves me because he told me first and he is a genuine person, but I hate feeling like I’m sharing him.  What should I do?

You’re making a whole lot of assumptions in your question…

You say that you give him everything he needs sexually, emotionally, physically and mentally. That’s a pretty massive claim… you’re basically saying that you’re his perfect dream girl.

Maybe what you meant is that you’re giving him everything *you think* he needs sexually, emotionally, etc. That’s an entirely different animal.

Oftentimes, we love other people in the way that we want to be loved – and while you make certain adjustments toward him since he’s a dude, it’s not safe to bet that you’re satisfying his every need…

But let’s say that you were satisfying his every need. Why would he be having these sexy, flirtatious conversations with these other women? I mean, all of his sexual needs are completely met by you, right? So it can’t be that he desires sex with them…

And all of his emotional needs are met by you, so it can’t be that he enjoys the ego boost of feeling desired by a woman…

My point in all this is that if you believe that you’re meeting all his needs, you will be blind to areas where the relationship needs to grow. If you want the relationship to move forward, find deeper areas where you can reach him and inspire him.

But let’s take a completely different side of this… because I know there are women reading this thinking, “Why should a woman do anything for this flirtatious disrespectful pig of a man?”

Relax – put down your torches and pitchforks.

Here’s the deal – you’re asking me this question because you do not find his behavior acceptable. And yet, you’ve been demonstrating to him that you’re OK with it.

Sure, you may complain about it or get upset. But a guy knows when a woman isn’t going anywhere. A guy always knows a woman’s real limit is measured by how much she’s willing to tolerate.

Women feel this instinctively and will usually try to put up a front, claiming that they won’t stand for his bad behavior and making empty threats. The problem is that guys know a woman’s bluff from a mile away… and the moment you start bluffing about how much you’re willing to tolerate, he knows you’ll tolerate just about anything.

Why? Because if you’re afraid enough to lie about your limits, then it’s pretty likely that you don’t actually have limits you’re willing to enforce.

Do you know what’s at the core of why women put up with behavior they find unacceptable? Fear of loss. Fear that they couldn’t do better than the guy. Fear that this guy is the one true love of their life. The reality of it is that if you want to mentally and emotionally be in a place where you have any say in your relationship, you have to diminish your fear of loss.

Let me shift your attention to the fact that you chose this guy. You chose him – you knew what kind of an animal he was when you started going out. It’s not like one morning he just went out and started having sexy flirtations with other women all of a sudden and you were shocked.

From the get-go, you chose him… but secretly you hoped and believed that he would change for you. And now, a little over a year into the relationship you’re disappointed that he’s still the same guy… and you want to change him.

People do this all the time, but it doesn’t make it right or sane. The fact is, this whole pattern of people projecting a fantasy version of someone onto the actual person is ludicrous.

There are times where one person might inspire change in another person, but it’s because the other person wanted the change themselves as well. There are times where one person will get their act together because they’re afraid to lose something good or they’re determined to win something good.

But I can’t think of a time where the insecurity of one partner inspired a change in the other partner. Especially when the insecure partner isn’t willing to walk away regardless of whether or not they get what they want.

Rather than wanting him to change, the better path is to move towards understanding each other better.

Understanding each other is the basis of connection. The fact is, he has these sexy flirtations with other women, but you don’t really know why… you don’t know his motivation or what he “gets” from it. Instead, you’re focusing on how YOU feel about it and that YOU don’t like it.That’s understandable, but it’s not helpful.

You can feel hurt and victimized or you can open your eyes to the bigger picture… and maybe learn something valuable about your guy in the process (maybe some need that he still needs met).

Some people have voids inside them and they forever try to fill them – with having other people desire them, with sex, with power, with money, etc. In many cases, the void that people feel is caused by a feeling of separateness – a feeling that we don’t belong and aren’t acceptable.

When men  act out in whatever way they act out, you’ll find  what I just described at the heart of the matter: a deep feeling of separateness, insignificance and undesirability.

Most guys would never admit to feeling anything like that. Most aren’t even consciously aware of those feelings. But if you can see past your own hurts and desires, you’ll see men everywhere trying to fill emotional voids through their actions and achievements.

When you can accept him as he is, you start to show him a path towards filling that void. When you can recognize what he “gets” from his behavior and you can truly understand him as a man, you might not take his actions personally anymore. You might see a bigger picture – a picture of what he really needs.

I had a girlfriend who was very flirtatious by nature. She would light up a room and sexuality radiated from her effortlessly. There were times that she’d flirt with other guys, but I understood that she was a girl who came alive when she had an audience. Having an audience was reward in it of itself for her.

If I were an insecure jealous boyfriend type, I would have flipped out. I would have looked at her actions as meaning something personal about me, felt bad and then demanded that she not do what made her feel alive because it made me feel bad about myself.

It may seem narcissistic, but people do it all the time. They look at their partner’s behaviors and take them personally as meaning something about them. Then they shame, punish or guilt their partner into stopping that behavior.

Then… one… two… three… five years into the relationship… they wonder where all the passion went. Not just in the relationship, but in their own life.

As a dating coach, I can tell you that people get the most stuck when they look at other people’s behavior as meaning something about them personally. It’s the biggest relationship trap possible since it blinds us to understanding them and floods our mind with negative emotions. Instead of wanting to understand them more, we want to make our self-inflicted (ego-inflicted) pain go away.

To sum it up: His actions mean nothing about you as a person. You chose him… and if you want to continue on with him, your best bet is to continually move towards understanding him more and more.

Hopefully he’ll be able to understand you more and more as your relationship continues as well. That can only happen if you drop the insecurities (taking things personally).

A lot to think about.

Hope it helps,

eric charles


Written by Eric Charles

I'm Eric Charles, the co-founder and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing articles to help people free themselves from suffering and have clarity in their love life. I have a degree in Psychology and I've dedicated the last 20 years of my life to learning everything I can about human psychology and sharing what gets people out of struggling with life and into having the life they really want. If you want to contact me, feel free to reach out on Facebook or Twitter.

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Ella Russ

Maybe I should listen to you lol. My boyfriend loves me, stopping random women in stores and asking them questions. He also gives random inappropriate sexual comments to women on tik tok. But where do I draw the line, I feel disrespected.

Reply March 7, 2022, 6:22 pm

Ella Russ

I meant my bf loves stopping random women in stores.

Reply March 7, 2022, 6:24 pm


What about the fact that the girlfriend is unaware of how much she hurts her boyfriend and makes him feel unimportant and unloved when she is feeding her ego? Doesn’t he deserve more?

Reply September 7, 2020, 10:26 pm


My boyfriend has this behavior that you mention in the article , we peacefully talked about it even i hurt a lot when he start flirting in front of me with other girls and forgot that im there .My boyfriend said he has a lack of attention from woman when he was young ( he is 46 now ) , I understand he need to complete his journey to fill this part of his life . I love him but I still cant find a way to keep our relationship passionate as before and control my fears . one of the problems was he start flirting with my friends and taking pictures and video from her and keep it for himself and still looking for her in my social media or indirect asked me about her . I can not find the borders of he trying help himself with to fill himself from past or he has some psychology issues.
If you have any advise I am ready to listen

Reply April 20, 2019, 1:28 pm


“A deep feeling of separateness, insignificance and undesirability” is what this writer claims is behind the flirtatious behavior. I can agree with that. But isn’t that another way of saying it’s an insecurity behind the flirting? And so why is it up to the woman to “accept” this behavior, essentially overcoming her own insecurity that arises from it, as opposed to the man overcoming his insecurity that causes the conflict to begin with? Seems a double standard but who am I to judge right?

Reply March 20, 2019, 11:36 am

Eric Charles

Hey Virginia, I understand where you’re coming from. Let me clarify where I’m coming from and also address a few things.

I’m not approaching this from a perspective of “men should be able to do this and women should just deal with it.” I agree, that would be ridiculous and a totally unfair double standard.

My perspective is that the woman asking the question wants things to be better with her boyfriend. His behavior is upsetting and frankly it’s totally understandable why she’s upset.

And if she said to anybody, “Hey this is really upsetting me,” anyone would agree she’s right to be upset. And they’d be supportive and they would say of course that would make you feel insecure. Hey, as a friend if I heard the story I would be too.

But after all that reassurance and validation for upset feelings… what now? Did it solve the problem? Did it give her an effective way forward?


And that’s the rub. That’s the reason why I’m addressing it like this. My reasoning is to show the reader a way to look at the situation and see the mechanics at play… what’s driving the situation? What’s motivating his behavior and actions?

The reason is to give her clarity as to what’s going on so it doesn’t seem random. I want her to see the mechanics of why he’s acting that way.

I don’t prescribe what she “should” do from there. If you looks at it through eyes of compassion and sees it as insecurity, but a form of insecurity she can forgive. OK, that’s her business.

If she’s sees what he’s doing as conduct totally unacceptable in a partner, that’s fine with me too. It’s none of my business. It’s her relationship and she’s the one who knows her guy, herself and how she wants her love life to be.

So just to be clear, I’m not explaining his motivating emotions to excuse his behavior or say it’s acceptable or that her response isn’t correct. I want her to have clarity so she can decide where she wants to go with a clear view of things, versus being mired in the murky confusion of feeling upset.

That’s what I want in every article I write… for the reader to see their situation more clearly and clear up the fog of negative emotions, so they can decide what’s best for themselves going forward.

Reply March 20, 2019, 8:35 pm

Brittany P


This is the beauty of taking an unemotional stance. It dies provide clarity! We can all definitely get caught up in our emotions which tends to complicate perspective and logic.

With removing the emotion, you can see things for what they are and make an informed choice of whats best fir you personally.

Thank you for providing that insight!

Reply May 14, 2020, 2:57 pm


I agree with the first part of what you said but not the last . If a man is flirting with other woman in front of her , regardless to this void , which by the way is his own insecurity , he is selfishly thinking of himself and not her !!!! He is acting narcissistic And is treating her with no respect and he is losing interest in her because she allows it . It’s only a matter of time before he acts on those insecurity’s . If he’s not already and hiding it . He doesn’t value her because she doesn’t value herself . It’s not her place to fill his void . He is creating her insecureity , he’s making her feel worthless and that’s not love or giving or thoughtful . He can’t love her or treat her with respect until he works on himself . She needs to break up with him , so he can see what he had and her value . Maybe he will maybe he won’t .

Reply October 25, 2018, 6:42 am


One more thing. Yes I’m in a relationship with a man who is a dad. 2 teen girls,15/16, and I understand him but I’ve also tried to express that around his daughters he might consider being the kind of man he would want for his daughters. Just a thought.

Reply February 19, 2018, 2:38 pm


This really is a good article and held to see other ways of looking at this topic. 2 things come to mind though. First is if the girlfriend has internal fixing to do because of insecurities that’s her issue but if he’s flirting because of his insecurities and needs validation then that’s an iinternal issue he needsds to address. Second I’m so saddened for the teenage girls of these men who are fathers. We al know women pick men just like their dad. Teens are not mature enough to understand their dads behavior. Sadly these girls will grow up without a fair playing field. Only knowing that this is the behavior of how my dad was/is so I guess it’s what I should expect. Just wondering if men ever consider that they are role models for sons/daughters. Any opinion on this Eric?

Reply February 19, 2018, 2:31 pm


I’ve had been livings 2 gether with a man who’s 53 yrs old & im 33.Hes a flirtatious by nature also.Ive been with him for a short over 8 mons now But I’ve first met him 5 yrs prior but just rarely seeing him.Ive notices he’ve that sweet compliments to a lot of women’s of all ages from 30+ to 40+.Heve even Admit to me whenever he’d socialize with those women’s Its nothing, but in my nature I’ve never confronted him and told him to stop talks like that I’d just let it fall from dead ears.But truly this article helps me to understanding a lot.

Reply February 15, 2018, 6:30 pm


…why would your boyfriend would be flirting with someone else if that would be about you ? Because it not.

Almost every man I dated , and even my father expressed similar behaviour. But that makes me think. Did you know that 10 000 years ago and less it were women having various lovers and cheating the most ? You see, being a cheater is in blood of all of us. The difference is, you respect your partner but he doesn’t pay back. You mentioned all the things you provide to him. I don’t know why you forgot that you as a woman is CHOOSING a man. Is not they are choosing us no matter how much they go gym or get a fake tan. He is lucky to have you, you gave him an opportunity to be loved. If he still needs to be chosen by other women – however virtualy, he is certainly having an issue – with love, sexuality or confidence.

People cheat from different reasons – foolish 21st century need for a variety, unhapiness , deep damage on emotional level ( some of them can’t even explain it), sexual deviancy, they my think it feels as something natural to their bodies,revenge, bluffing itself, escaping from relationship, killing own feelings as an escape way – there is lots of reasons. Depends on personal boundaries, but cheating can be perceived from flirting/kissing/sex to an actual affair.

Flirting on the other hand and not acting on is is a pure affirmation. Insecurity. Whilst you cannot solve someone’s insecurity/sexuality/emotional wounds – as it is simply not in your power, you can set boundaries FOR YOUR SELF, let them be known and act on them. You are the only person you can control. You cannot be bluffing. If a person wants you back, you can give one more chance but no more than that.

Flirting is affirmation. Sexting is sleazy. You can talk to him and ask him how he plans to deal with a behaviour that has an unhealthy impact on you and damagin YOU or walk away and see what happens. You can also investigate your sexual compatibility.

Right now he is damaging your ability to trust him – that will go wrong long run even if stops this behaviour now.

This guy however nice will probably age with his bad habitts and end up alone and depressed if he continues take piss. Not everyone has as much money as George Clooney to be so inspired …

Apart of – take a control of what you can control. Yourself and your emotional health. Cause no one else is clearly taking that responsibility for you at the minute. See , this is not about you or what providing. Take that away from him so he keeps busy with providing to you rather than texting. One man had it all but lost it any minute – that is how life goes if you are not paying attention.

I would just warn him that if this is not going to stop for good, i am stopping for good. No bluff. Just real thick skin. No one is dying, and you dont need to deal with stupid issues like stupid boyfriend who just dont get rules of a basic decency. If he wont stop, that don’t he dare to say ” I love you ” one more time .

Reply August 30, 2017, 6:03 pm


A lot a varying opinions here.
I must say that a married man or a woman that flirts with women on social media…
Should consider how this will hurt his partner.
There’s is flirting and there’s is flirting.
Flirting that make the spouse or partner feel diminshed by it… not acceptable.
I agree with the commenter that said this is a narcissistic point of view to expect.
“Hey I’m like this…..too bad……it’s your problem if it bothers you.”

Healthy relationship are those that make each partner feel special.
If one partners stomach flips when they witness behind their back flirtation l
It robs that relationship of that specialness.

No one should tolerate this kind of behavior … will chip away at trust and love bit by bit.
My partner has done this on Facebook and it does hurt….
Not sure if I want to continue if it continues.

I do know of a married lady who was devasted by flirtation but afraid to speak up, because she might appear jealous….
It was destroying her…

When she finally did tell her husband, he said, oh I’ve always been flirty. I didn’t think it bothered you. Now that I see the hurt in your eyes, I will give up this stupid useless behavior.

They are closer now than ever

Reply August 9, 2017, 10:51 am


Hi Eric,
I like how your post is on his perspective, and very accurate to say the least. I would greatly appreciate your advice, as I have sought out professional help and was only asked ‘why are you with him’, and ‘what is snapchat’.
My fiance and I have been engaged for about 9 months now, getting married in less than 2 months, and I have been trying to process some things that I cannot seem to do on my own. Since getting engaged, I discovered he was finding new friends on different live cam sites (porn related) and it felt too personal, like cheating, though it was with women he did not know. Then, I discovered his old phone was used to set up a fake snapchat account to follow these types of women (x-rated), and that felt just as bad, if not worse, especially since the girl who lived upstairs at the time (we’ve since moved in together into a different apartment complex) was on that snapchat after I told him I only would be okay with that friendship (past hook up) if he would be okay if I did the same (I obviously didn’t want to do that but wanted him to try seeing it from my side).
We went on a trip to get closer to one another, and the hostess in Mexico was flirting with him when I was not around, which I didn’t care about until we got home and he told me how she added him on facebook. She instantly started liking his pictures (without me in them) so I asked him to remove her. He did, however he remained contacts on messenger, added her to a secret facebook account I was not aware of at the time, added her to the secret snapchat, and then to his regular snapchat. I recently discovered he had deleted all of the messages between them, and turned off only her notifications through fb messenger. This hurt me, as he crossed the line I drew, and I cannot figure out why he would feel the need for these secret friendships.
His response was to throw the phone away (the one with the secret snapchat and secret facebook on it), Snapchat account is still out there but I am unsure if he still uses it and the facebook one he did delete.
He likes to search online for women, ones he was with before, ones he meets at the bar, ones he sees around the apartment, etc. He goes out with his buddies after softball a few times a week, and recently told me how he doesn’t want me to come because he feels like he needs to entertain me. I seem to be on edge, thinking there are other motives there, and find myself becoming this self-conscious person that I am normally not. I don’t mind not attending the bars/games, as I am busy with work, college and my daughter.
The last time I went, some girl was hitting on him while I was talking to a different buddy of his about work. I normally don’t mind these things, I never have before these discoveries, and I would normally be flattered some girl was hitting on my man because I am proud to have him and would totally hit on him too, if I wasn’t already with him. He says the reason for the remaining communications with the Mexico girl, as well as the others he searches, was that I am not fun; I don’t like zip lining (I have a fear of heights, I tried it once with him and had a panic attack afterwards), and I don’t play water games (he played water volleyball with the Mexico girl), and claims that he follows and looks up girls like this to see what their lives are like.
I think these other, line-crossing, activities make me insecure on how he handles being hit on by other women. I don’t think he would cheat on me, physically, but I still feel like he does not respect our relationship, and once when a girl did reach out to him (I went on a friend requesting rampage when I was irritated with him to add the girls he had recently added to see who they were) it was all too easy for him to speak poorly of me and tell her things that would essentially keep his foot in the door for future communications, like saying how easy she is to talk to and not to be a stranger.
Anyone I speak to is on my side, which is nice, but doesn’t help me understand why he does these things or how to feel better about myself and our relationship, and to try fulfilling whatever needs he is searching for outside of our relationship. Any time I ask him about these things, he is either defensive, he says he will stop, or he would just delete the app (like facebook and instagram). I am unsure how to understand these things, ego-boost maybe, or he gets a rush from lying/hiding things from me, but I would like to know if I am missing something that could help us move forward from here without feeling like I am a doormat. Any advice, please?
Thank you!

Reply July 26, 2017, 9:20 am


I really hope you two did not get married. He is not being respectful to you. You dont deserve someone who says they love you and means it through their actions too.
I get flirting can be harmless, but this was the the case. He was hiding communication from you. Seems like he was ashamed. He was going out of his way talking to other woman and even sexual bonding with some women. He seemed to have been making you doubt you. I really dont think he would be marriage material. Also I may not know you, but you deserve a hell of a lot better

Reply August 22, 2019, 10:35 am


Am I the only one here feeling like we’re living in this Narcissistic dating realm of the twilight zone. I mean literally, most information out there when it’s for women is about “catering to” and being “understanding of” inconsiderable bad behavior. I will give credit To Eric pointing out the insanity in trying to change another person especially when the red flags are exhibited early and frequently. But sorry ERIC what is there to be understanding of?? Feelings of distrust in the relationship, and a void within another that isn’t even your burden to carry?Forget that. begin the process of emotional detachment because that “understanding” motif is a Devils contract to stay in a abusive narcissistic relationship and the only option there is to continuously lose your light trying to shine it within a bottomless pit seeking to ~understand~.Now this is NOT a crusade against a side step from monogamy we are all human and even we ourselves might find a extra flirty chat with Someone attractive, or taking a number with the girls night out, or entertaining a infatuated struck guy in our inbox. All the while having a Boyfriend/Partner. The contrary is that in a healthy mutually empathetic relationship it won’t become a paramount jealousy issue that involves one partner being so blantantly inconsiderate with their actions and the feelings their actions invoke in the other partner. Eric is right that shouldn’t be the behavioral projection we cast on another person- It should very well be the end of discussion Standard we set for ourselves!

And though the question was a bit vague, Your girlfriend being friendly in a group setting or being a flirty host is not equivalent to, gathering from the context of the question you received, “sexting, texting, or social media flirting” I could be wrong but going on “he’s never met with anyone though” came off as something done through the candor of online communication. I’m also sure if you notice your gf crossing a clear line such as close intimate proximity, or physical contact you wouldn’t be singing the same nonchalant tune, unless you guys dig the swinger life- not judging. The double standard- always freakin real the best advice is to begin the process of detachment you should never seek to “understand” or coop with someone who continues to devalues your contribution to a relationship. Don’t find yourself in that hole

Reply May 3, 2017, 4:19 am


100% agree, all of what you said (Leah) was bubbling inside me as I kept reading this post.
Eric is not touting a healthy relationship in this post. This behavior from partners is not okay; flirting in a committed relationship ship is a breach of trust and if the one doing the flirting thinks that the partner who is upset is the “insecure boyfriend/girlfriend”, then they have some serious accountability issues.

Reply June 22, 2017, 11:26 am


Agreed Leah. Eric’s advisory is unfortunately slanted from a male perspective. If it was genuinely unbiased and fair, then he would have recommended that BOTH partners examine their behaviours, identify their needs/insecurities, and agree on healthy boundaries out of respect for each other moving forward, especially if serious about getting married. Instead Eric put the onus on the girl to “understand” her cyber-cheating bf’s “real needs” better. If poly/cyber-poly is how they want to go, then at least be clear and agree on it first. If it’s a ‘must have’ for the bf, then might be a ‘deal breaker’ for the gf. Better to know before you lock rings.
And seriously, beware of ‘dating coaches’ who only promote further subordination of your self-esteem to the male sense of self-entitlement. A healthy partnership is about BOTH partners taking equal responsibility for what works, what doesn’t, and to find and enact the solutions.

Reply April 15, 2021, 8:30 pm

Eric Charles

To be straight up with you, I wrote this a decade ago and I don’t even agree with it anymore. :)
My thoughts right now?
The likely possibility is that he flirts with other women because he doesn’t take the relationship seriously. She’s putting her all into it and he knows she’s not going anywhere, so he just does whatever. Many such cases.
Maybe there’s the slim chance that they’re both weirdos (and I say that affectionately, my favorite people are weirdos) and they’d be down with that in their relationship. I know couples like that where the guy doesn’t cheat and never would, but he’ll flirt with other women so long as his girlfriend is in the loop. It works for them and I didn’t want to cut out that possibility.
But yeah, straight up, I should just rewrite this article from scratch at some point. It would lay out those two possibilities and recommend she ask herself if it’s a dealbreaker.

Reply April 15, 2021, 9:17 pm


Eric, I can totally understand and appreciate your input here. I agree about seeing the big picture and not taking things personally, but when we have this kind of inner void, how can we actually be in a fulfilling relationship? I’ve just walked away from my 5 years relationship as I realized that his flirty ways went as far as arranging meetings with other girls behind my back. Now he’s desperate and doing his best for getting back together, but I can’t close my eyes on how his inner void destroyed our relationship day after day. Wouldn’t it be better for all of us to keep our own “baggage” in check instead of expecting our partner to “see the big picture” when we’re basically sabotaging the relationship we say we want?

Reply March 23, 2017, 8:07 am


” not like one morning he just went out and started having sexy flirtations with other women all of a sudden and you were shocked”
If it is the case then ?
If he has begun this all of a sudden then?
I am writing about my case.

Reply March 4, 2017, 4:29 am


Hey Gals,

I read the original response to this question and I must admit it infuriated me. As the writer predicted.

This is not fare to claim that a women is false by believing she is from forfilling her partners needs. When you enter a relationship it is not I will be loyal to you until I feel like sexeting another guy?? So why the fuck is it acceptable for us as women’ to stand by and watch our dawg boyfriends flirt with other women. My god this double standard is so awful.. women like man would love to flirt , talk dirty show up late but for some reason if we do this is a crime and if we are unhappy with our partner flirting it is us who have failed him in some way. Forget that noise your man is not as great as thought suck it up or move on… I have a great man I plan to marry this summer but he is a flirt and I find myself hating him for it…. but I have to figure out if he is worth it or not.. that as simple as it is ladies… Does this person. Who drives you to places unknown worth it?? I really don’t think so… find a nice man who is happy just to be with you and does not need other women’s approval . Find a partner I know that I can find mine and I bit willing to settle yet for a flirt!! We derseve more!! Don’t give up! There is a man out there who will not flirt and if he does it would never be your fault ever!!!!!

Reply January 14, 2017, 12:51 am


Is it true that once men fall inlove other girls cant turn him on again ?

Reply January 3, 2017, 7:00 pm


There was one thing you said that didn’t make sense. Your statement was that she chose this man, so she knew what type of person he was to begin with. My problem with this is she may have not known anything about this man when she started dating him. She may have just met him and they started dating, so to say she knew what kind of man he was when she first started to date him could be inaccurate.

Reply November 30, 2016, 11:20 am


Thanks a lot for comforting me in my calm way of seeing things that happened.

Reply November 15, 2016, 5:50 pm


This was SO informative!! Great article. Thanks.

Reply October 28, 2016, 5:48 pm


There is decent logic at work here—attempting to inspire positive behavioral change by expressing negative insecurity is probably not one’s best bet. That said, I’m not sure we really heard how one can inspire change in a better, more constructive way.

Let’s say she can detach, lean back, and say “Huh, my boyfriend is over there flirting wtih X / ignoring me at this party so he can talk to Y / doing his bit for a gaggle of gals because it makes him feel good. It’s okay, I know what this is. This comes from his own insecurity; this is his issue and is not about me; this man I chose, this man I love…well, he has a need to be flirtatious. And I accept that about him.”

There’s still room for the possibility that while she accepts it, she doesn’t LIKE it, right? She accepts it, but it still feels disrespectful; she accepts it, but it still puts her in awkward situations, or can cause embarrassment, or tension with other women.

So now what? How does a person inspire change positively?

Reply October 7, 2016, 9:44 pm

Eric Charles

First – thank you for the very calm, even-handed comment and question. I always appreciate when someone presents a question in a thoughtful way like you did. Thank you.

I understand what you’re asking here and I would say that if she really doesn’t like it, it might be worth her asking if it’s worth it to be with this guy.

I’m not saying that from a standpoint like his behavior (or any behavior) is inherently bad or unacceptable.

This might sound ridiculous to some, but there are many women who wouldn’t be bothered by this at all. She and he would be laughing about it on the way home from the party and it would be totally forgotten the next day.

Why? Because they have a context and understanding of each other and social dynamics that is beyond simple thoughtless reactions… maybe they’re in sales or politics, and so in their worldview it can be fun just to get someone fired up without any need, desire or intent for it to go anyway… It can be innocent, like my girlfriend dancing with a gay guy or a group of friends looking a some smutty online video to laugh about it. It COULD be interpreted as sexual by someone, but the reality is probably just based in fun, nobody is actually getting turned on.

That is just me giving some examples of things I’ve seen in my life that some people might relate to… others might not be able to relate.

I mention those examples and the concept of what reality two people share in a relationship in order to set up this next point:

I’ve said it time and time again that 95% of relationship success is about selection.

Every day that someone wakes up and is in a relationship with someone, they are choosing to be there. They are choosing to continue participating in the relationship.

A lot of people overlook this simple fact. They have an attitude like the other person is an object to tweak and twist and change as they see fit… almost as if they’re entitled to that other person measuring up to exactly how they want them to be and that they’re morally justified to punish them if they don’t measure up.

Many have an attitude where they pick a boyfriend or girlfriend and believe they can pick and choose that person’s qualities a la carte…

Oh, I like that he’s smart and funny, but I hate how he plays video games…

I like how he’s so decisive, but I hate when he gets so obsessive over things…

I like how he’s so sweet with kids, but he’s kind of a pushover in the relationship…

And on and on…

Fact is, a person’s qualities are formed in the overall ecosystem of their entire life… Everything they’ve experienced and everything they’re made of contributes to the way they are…

Yes, there are some approaches to people that work better than other approaches (and get you better results)…

Yes, people can change if they want to and they’re motivated to…

But… you can’t bank a person or a particular quality of that person changing as a make-or-break factor.

So if his flirting really bothers you or you find it disrespectful… maybe he isn’t a great choice for you to select. Maybe this guy isn’t for you…

Wouldn’t it be better for both of you to find people who are a better fit for your personality?

There’s nothing wrong with talking to him about it and sharing your feelings… I would recommend saying it in a calm matter of fact way (so the message actually gets across instead of an emotional attack that he’ll reflexively go on the defensive against)…

If it’s really something that bothers you, it would be best to let him know that and he’ll act accordingly. If he doesn’t change, well, then you have your answer and you can decide if you want to continue participating in the relationship.

On the other hand, he might share his perspective and it might broaden yours… you never know.

And again, I can’t stress this enough, I’m not saying this is somehow an inherently bad or not-bad behavior… it’s just a behavior… and it’s a behavior you’re having a reaction to. So talk to him about it with an open mind and it can only help…

Reply October 8, 2016, 8:19 pm


Just because one person might not take offense to the situation does not mean it should be acceptable in any given situation or relationship.

What is OK to one is not always OK to another, and if you are intending to build a life with someone then you need to respect their boundaries and limits, just as they do as they chose to be with you.

Reply June 22, 2017, 11:29 am


This article is a breath of fresh air. There is some nice logic here that is instrumentally helpful. Perhaps you can help me with my logic.. my boyfriend and I have been dating 4 years. He has Madonna whore and about a year ago our sex life started diminishing and then I caught him sexting. We did the song and dance and he swears he hasn’t done it since. Everything is great except our sex life, we’re talking about getting married in the spring. Recently he accidentally sent me a text he meant to send to his exgirlfriend that said “why, are you single? ” he’s not denying his flirtation. The thing is I want him to flirt, i dont want him to suppress it, in fact it turns me on.The problem is I don’t want him doing it with his exes or anyone we know. After reading your article I suggested we both get our flirting and sexting out on tinder with guidelines. I thought it would meet our needs and allow him to be him while respecting my boundaries. He didn’t take it well, he thinks my logic is flawed. Now I have to leave him because he can’t keep crossing my boundaries knowing that I’m not going to leave. Thank you for the great advice, really, but where did I go wrong?

Reply February 4, 2018, 12:48 am


Im late 40s been with a man almost 2 yrs. Hes never married now have I. We get along great but he never wants to get married or live with me, he had a bad upbringing where his dad almost killed his mum (abuse) He had loss lately lost his job, his health is not as good as it was, his mum is sick in hospital too. The other night he wanted to go out to a karoke bar I did not really want to go it was late. We went and hes a musican on the side he likes to sing too. He was flirting in front of me (kissed and hugged) the dj I was like in shock. Then he was raving about her to me how great she does her job, how talented she it etc and I was uncomfortable with that. He did this when we first went out hes hug and kiss the younger bartender and leave me there and continue to flirt with her. He jjust finally told me he loves me, Im the woman for him etc and does this. Just last week he wanted abreak as he said he wants more freedom lol then he calls me up and asks me out. \He lives close to me too.

Reply April 2, 2018, 9:27 pm


Forgot to mention Ive been cheated on many times in the past this is very hurtful. Its too late for me to have kids now I still seem to be seeking a good guy..he does not have to be rich I dont care about money much Ive been through this my whole life. Im the only one whose never married yet of everyone I kniow including 3 sisters and their friends and all my friends. I did 2 yrs of reading and learning and positive thinking videos and attract love etc videos Ive worked like a dog to make things right Im not controlling either..this man still has not introduced me tp his family!! Its 2 years now!!

Reply April 2, 2018, 9:34 pm


Finally a piece of advice that’s not all. ‘You’re an idiot, leave him’ yes he does the radiate a room ‘love me’ thing. except he’s the plant a kiss to top it off kind of guy. hate it. esp when I talk to any other male, young or old. he goes mental super jealous at me

Reply September 29, 2016, 3:09 am


Going through the same situation and this is absolutely right. I ended it with my BF and it just made me think of what a stupid reason and we got back together I didn’t know his personality type was like this and now I am just trying to understand him better and create a place of unconditional love

Reply September 24, 2016, 2:24 pm


same for me…now I know why he never married !

Reply April 2, 2018, 9:36 pm


Hi Eric!
I’ve been your avid reader for 2 years now and I find your articles very helpful for those people willing to learn how to manage well a relationship. I strongly agree that best relationship isn’t just always getting things what we want and we expect, from constantly reading your relationship coaching I have learned that successful relationship needs an everlasting understanding of the unfavorable things we didn’t ever expect that they do happen in real as the love between partners going deeper. It’s a big help to me that your coaching taught me how to understand thoroughly the reason behind before getting disappointed towards my boyfriend’s manly behavior. Now I am still in a healthy interracial relationship though it’s LDR but going stronger as time goes by. Hope to have 1 of your book. I have no updates so far but if you’d let me know how to get one, I’d appreciate it so much. Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom. Best regards.

Reply September 17, 2016, 4:12 pm


If your flirtatious ex-girlfriend also needed to have sex with the men she flirted with to fill that feeling of inadequacy and undesirability that she feels, would you have been as tolerant? If you would have called her out on it and told her that it was a dealbreajer, would you then also be a narcissist focusing only on yourself and your feelings at her expense? The children that she bears from these other men–would you have been willing to raise them and be their stepdad?

Reply September 14, 2016, 4:59 am


Hi all guys are thrill seekers .nothing can stop them to seek the thrill they desire in this short life. It is stupidity to ask and hope for loyalties in this age and time.move on .no one has a morale. Even if they do . It’s short lived

Reply August 3, 2016, 2:47 am

Eric Charles

All guys?

Reply August 3, 2016, 9:45 am


Hi eric! How can i ask advice from you?

Reply October 25, 2016, 11:59 pm


Beautifully said. Your comment has been more helpful to me than this article. Thank you.

Reply August 2, 2016, 12:00 pm


Hi Eric….

I am feeling lost in my current relationship. it sometime feels as if it just a thing i am used to and recently we started to fight a lot. I really love him. We have been dating for 3 years now, we have a lot of different interests and we have to totally different personalities.

He has a very flirty personality, I don’t always have a prob with that. I know it is who he is and I don’t want to change it. but i still get mad. I am not one of many words and when we fight I don”t day much.

Basically what is happening now is that our relationship is falling apart and it really breaks my heart. i just want to know what I can do from my side to save the relationship as I know it can work.

Reply July 25, 2016, 8:50 am


I need help with this topic too! It seems as though I cannot get away from this type of guy, or is it that ALL guys do this? I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, and two weeks ago I caught him flirting and then asking a girl to “see a movie sometime” in a facebook message in a way that REALLY seemed like a date. Also, to add some more sting to it, this is a girl whom he had met at an event and described to me as “stupid hipster girl.” There were a few other flirtatious conversations with other girls whom he had recently met and told me about as well. He HAS showed signs of being insecure in the past, like checking out other women in front of me which I had addressed and he seemed to stop for a while, so I put up with it and trusted. I’ve been physically and emotionally cheated on in the past, and I told him that it truly hurt me and truly effected me in a very negative way (trust issues, that I even go to therapy to work on currently) I made it VERY clear that if he broke my trust he would be kicked to the curb. So, anyway, I had never checked his facebook or violated his privacy in any way until 2 weeks ago. I don’t know why I did it, I guess we were going to move in together and I thought I better know if something’s up now I guess? I’m not saying I was right to check, but what I found was unacceptable and I didn’t expect to find anything at all! I am incredibly hurt and confronted him immediately about it. He apologized and begged me to forgive him and basically we have been in limbo ever since. I have been nothing but amazing to this person, and he, like the rest of the people in this thread has checked out other women in front of me, is a big flirt, and is now basically TRYING to hang out with women behind my back. All I can think is that if I didn’t catch him, would he have hung out with this person? Are there others? The ONLY saving grace I can give him is that it seemed like it was an occurrence that happened within a time frame of a month or two and did not happen before that. We were planning on moving in together and he had outwardly told me he had cold feet. Obviously, this is not a healthy way to react to ANYTHING ever, but could this change? I feel like it won’t because it seems like a gradual process. (Started with the checking out other women, then flirting with them in front of me, then secretly messaging them) He agreed to go to therapy and “will do anything” to fix this, but can people really change? Will this just happen a few years down the line when I let my guard down? I know people go through tough times in relationships, but in the first year, this is a lot to go through to want to move forward. I would love a mans opinion on how to move forward with this? Thanks

Reply June 29, 2016, 3:43 pm


This response is gold. Well written.

Reply June 14, 2016, 5:56 pm


My name is laura…. I have been in relationship for 10years, last year we moved in his parents place as he got job in his hometown. We planned to get married this year but just 2months back he started to have an affair with his colleague. I beg, cried and asked for another chance but nothing work out. All he tells me is that he cant make any choice or dissision. His colleague is already married women with two kids. I tried to talk with hus parents as his father works in same office, but they are not ready to help me as he is their only son and that they are scare of him. I left everything and even fought with my parents for him, but now he wants me to go home. He says he still cares about me and dont want to hurt me anymore.
Is there Anyway i can change his mind?

Reply May 27, 2016, 8:13 am


Hi Eric. My boyfriend of almost 7 years, who had never before been in a dating site ( I know, I was in dating sites before I was with him) subscribed to one and started flirting with women in it. Is it over? He I just saw it, he doesn’t know. My whole body is telling me leave this house before he comes back.

Reply May 22, 2016, 12:11 pm


This topic seems to continually arise in my relationships. I used to think that the women needed to get over their insecurities, steadfast that I was doing absolutely nothing wrong and they needed to get over it and let me have fun since I was not planning to be unfaithful. Until…a woman that I had really grown to care for admitted that she was insecure. Had been her entire life and knew that she needed to address this to be free. However, she asked me this question. “So, if I am suppised to be responsible for my insecurities, and filling up my empty hole by myself, why should the flirters get to continue filling up each others holes of insecurity? It is like saying, well even though we have chosen to commit to each other, when it comes to your dark and scary places that get poked and prodded by the behaviors that I use to avoid my dark and scary places, you go take care of that while I choose someone who will share in the joy of my avoidant behaviors”. If I was going to hold her accountable for her insecurities, then it was time to address my own.

Reply May 5, 2016, 10:35 pm


I do NOT understand why anyone would put up with their significant other flirting with or having sexy conversations with another woman. Eric is right about one thing. These guys do it because the females allow it. Complaining about it isn’t anything but nails on a chalk board. I had an ex of 7 years who during the course of that time, had two occasions where he ogled a woman right in front of me (which isn’t even anywhere near the flirty/sexy issue being talked about here)

The first time I complained. Said that if I stared at another man that way in front of him, he’d be bothered and that he better darn well have the respect to NOT to that in front of me ever again.

The second time, we were driving up the road (within a mile of home still as we lived together) and he openly stared at a woman’s rear who was walking up the sidewalk. He’s lucky he had childproof windows. Because I said “Oh you like her? Pull over. I’ll get out and you can ask her to get in and be your girlfriend. Good luck to you.” And I proceeded to roll down the window. I shouted out a HEY! Before he overrode my window down button with his driver side. He was so embarrassed, terrified to lose me, and terrified of rejection from her.

He used to get angry when men would check me out, yet he did it to other women twice! For the record-he NEVER stared at another woman like that in front of me ever again after the window fiasco. And I dumped him because he was pressuring me to go back on my ideal of no kids.

If you don’t value yourself, how can he? If you allow your feelings to cause you to negotiate what you’re willing to put up with…he’ll take a mile when given an inch. If you TRULY think you can’t do better, you’ve fooled yourself into believing a straight up lie. There are men better who won’t do that to you. And you DON’T have to put up with it. You choose to.

Reply May 3, 2016, 10:32 am


Absolutely spot on!

Reply June 13, 2016, 3:36 pm



Reply June 14, 2016, 4:58 pm


Excellent response and totally spot on!

Reply March 22, 2017, 4:56 pm


Fantastic and great advice!

Reply July 12, 2017, 12:33 pm


Well said Lisa! Best advice here!

Reply April 15, 2021, 8:39 pm


Hi Eric, thanks a lot for the article.
I just want to make sure if it is ok to accept this kind of situation. So, I have a boyfriend and we are in a long distance relationship and its been a year. He is 7 years older than me (I’m 20 yo and he is 27 yo). I have caught him flirting with other girls online and this is the third time he did it. He is still flirting with other girls on a date site but he didn’t put his real profile there, so he made a fake account but still I could recognize that it was him. I’m still a little bit upset about it. He said that he wants to be very serious with me and I’m going to meet his family soon. He said that he wants to have family with me and build everything together. I know he loves me because he never want to break up, and he really wants to make me comfortable by being open to each other. He did tell everything honestly to me, but the thing is, he promises me to change to be a better one and going to stop doing it. But I found him on that date site. It really makes me upset and worry much about our relationship. He was chatting many girls before but never met them in real life.
So please give me some advices of what I should do. Should I keep trusting him?

Reply May 2, 2016, 8:02 am


Hi Eric,

Thank you for your answer, it helps me a lot.
Can I ask for your perspective on my situation?

My first ever relationship lasted 9 years, I married the guy but he had a lot of insecurities, depression and mood swings. He became distant, wasn’t interested in me physically and every time I tried to show him I still found him attractive and wanted to be with him he brushed me off…
He started becoming irrational, aggressive and I couldn’t do anything right.. everything was an excuse to have a go at me..
A side effect of all this for him was that he couldn’t ‘perform’ in the bedroom.. I was convinced it was me.. I was unattractive.. (not a very confident person and somewhat overweight) He was always commenting on how attractive these skinny girls were..

In the last year.. as a last ditch attempt to keep him.. we decided to try an ‘open’ relationship on the condition that we didn’t do anything under the others nose.. were careful and if one didn’t have any interest then the other wouldn’t do anything..
I suggested it expecting him to shoot it down.. kind of a if he loves me he won’t want to share me..

The relationship broke down after that and I ended up seeing someone who I had a thing with during that period… I found out after then end of the relationship that my ex had cheated on me.. around the time his behavior changed.. he was going to leave me for another woman but she turned him down..

My issue now though is that my current partner is a glamour photographer.
I don’t have a problem with that side of things.. it’s how I met him..

The problem I have is that he is a natural flirt.. he needs to flirt with other women to feel validated but its all talk.. I can deal with that.. I understand it… he comes to my bed at the end of the day.

But, we had a child.. I feel that he thinks the relationship has changed.. we don’t do as much ‘exciting’ stuff as we used to.. he loves me telling him stories and giving him a massage and most of the time that is what he wants in bed..

Recently he has had a model in.. done a shoot with her and is talking to her a lot.. he says it’s because she is insecure and he only says stuff to her to make her feel confident.. “you look hot, you’re really sexy” etc.. However, I have seen a message from him telling her that it’s more than just photo’s he really likes her etc..

In his last relationship.. they had a child and he met up with another girl.. he ‘did stuff’ with her but they didn’t have sex.. he said it was because his ex was cheating on him and kept accusing him of doing stuff so he thought why not…

Whats the best course of action here? When we have sex he always compliments me.. tells me he loves me more than anything etc… I know he want’s me to compliment him.. but I am not that sort of person.. I am usually very reserved.. What sort of compliments does a guy want to hear??

Sorry to waffle on.. I would appreciate your perspective on this…

Reply April 3, 2016, 4:06 am


Hi Eric,

I’d like to submit a question. How do I do it? You give amazing perspectives to the asked questions. While most people jump to an obvious advice with the virtual dating bibles in their head, you read into the relationship better and leave us feeling positive about life and people.

Reply March 27, 2016, 5:50 am


how does this apply if he is snapchatting his penis and dming instagram girls for attention? which he didnt tell me till today , which hes never done before , or so he says. what do i need to do to give him the attention he needs to not do those things ? any time i praise him he doesnt believe me or thinks of it as i have to tell him that.

Reply March 24, 2016, 5:01 pm


So this article would want to support flirtations? Hello?
If you’re in a relationship, don’t flirt! As easy as that.
Cause u are hurting emotions of your partner.

Reply February 23, 2016, 10:32 pm


Bonjour Charles,
Thanks for sharing all those insights.
Suprinsingly for an european I did learn a lot while reading your articles. I guess men will always be men where ever they are ;)

Back to your article.
Would you please explain the following a bit more?
You mentioned that we should not take those flirtatious behaviors personal and avoid reacting on them, right? That they might indicate a void our guys need to fill… insecurities… blah blah..
Yeah still no need to do it under our nose.. Seems to me more a way to make the other one jealous and understand that HE is in control… That he can leave at anytime and at the end she is totally replacable…
Which is right anyway… We don’t own anyone… but do we really need that kind of constant reminder?
Mmmm no

Ok but what about expressing our dissatisfaction in those circumstances?
Would be nice if you could elaborate more on how to address our: “what the f**k are you doing?” :)
This in order to start a constructive conversation.

Merci Eric

Reply February 17, 2016, 4:25 am


Thank. This is the first article on a very painful issue that has helped me see things from a different perspective.

Reply January 29, 2016, 6:24 pm


So my boyfriend can talk to all the girls he wants yet when i talk to one guy as a friend he goes crazy and starts yelling and punching walls and he calls me a whore what should I do?

Reply December 28, 2015, 11:08 am


Dump his psycho ass. That kind of violence and disrespect should NEVER be tolerated.

Reply December 28, 2015, 12:11 pm


I agree with SingleMama. I know it’s hard but you have to leave. That type of reaction is not healthy and always escalates

Reply February 25, 2016, 9:32 pm


Hello all,
my biggest fear currently is not to have another failed relationship. The man I am with showed recently that he can flirt with someone and even take it a step further invite her to cook for her. He admitted that he has complex and he needs to flirt with others. After some other things that happened in between for the past couple of months I feel unhappy and sad whenever I see smth. I don’t know how to deal with this and that’s mostly because I feel so weak emotionally..
if he sees me sad he will get mad because he usually understands why I’m sad and his reaction is usually explosive. I really like him but on the other hand I can’t pretend that everything is ok for me cause it’s not. From my side I showed him that it bothers me whenever he goes out alone or visits his friends, something that he doesn’t like at all. With all this being said I really need to hear different points of views..

Thank you.

Reply December 17, 2015, 3:51 am


We don’t “chose” a person for a partner because they were flirting with other people. If anyone has done that I haven’t seen the comment – I guess “swingers” do. But for most people, there is no reason to flirt with someone other than your partner/spouse if you are in a committed happy relationship – unless you want that relationship to end. That said, people are very complicated and what happens to them and how they respond is like a chemical reaction. Sometimes just the fear of more abuse (flirting/cheating/etc.) will unravel the relationship. Sometimes things work out. People can and do change.

Reply December 16, 2015, 9:37 am


My ex who I recently broke up with was exactly like that. We had great connection in every way and I know he loved me deeply. I am not only attractive, but also intelligent and caring. He used to stare at every attactive woman that walked by and made comments and he was excessively flirtatious with other women. I never had any problem with any of that as I never felt threatened. I understood It’s just his way to get some attention and validation. The real issue emerged when we started going to a gym class a year ago which was taught by a very hot trainer. He not only just flirted with her but also went out of his way to impress her, to an extent that everyone else, including the trainer, thought he may be interested in her. I was in the same class and everything happened just right in front of me. Understandably, I didn’t handle things like that very well. I talked to him multiple times in the past 10 months. The response I got was from “I am just being
friendly to her” to “I don’t care about her as she is superficial, but I think she is hot and I am attracted to her. All guys are like that.” The behaviors never stopped and finally it reached a point where the trainer started to reciprocate his “friendliness” and he welcomed that. I decided that I had enough and left, which was very devastating to him.

I knew he loved me and I loved him too. I knew he would commit to me and never leave
me for anyone else. I knew exactly why he did what he did. Despite being a extra confident, sucessful and charming, deep down he was fragile and insecure. I knew it the first day we were together. I thought I would be emotionally strong enough to heal his self-esteem. I didn’t realize in order to do that, I would have to completely sacrifice my own needs and my boudaries. I tried but there was just too much suffering and struggling. I didn’t take it personal as it’s just who he is. He didn’t mean to hurt me or leave me. But a relationship with a mentally immature man who put his needs before yours is extremely painful. Life is short. However much I loved him, I can’t spend my life fixing his problems. I deserve to be loved, cared about and respected. My suggestion for those in a relationship like that is, it’s noble to love and support the other person unconditionally, but always know your limits. It helps to understand the issues but it doesn’t help to find execuses for the other person to treat you without respect. When you decide that it’s time to put an end to it, move on and don’t look back.

Reply November 29, 2015, 5:02 pm


Does anyone think maybe this guy who flirts online just has mommy issues? Can all problems be relsoved?

Reply November 11, 2015, 10:24 am


I have a question, i seening him off and on, helping out with his life , n he’s the best sex ever, but i am married n 2 kids are high school, but any ways , i kind in love with this guy i seening, my husband’s n i been together 20 yrs n marriage 15 yrs, things not going right, i dont want hurt the kids , what should i do

Reply November 10, 2015, 2:41 pm


This really helped me a lot!! My boyfriend flirts with women on social media and chats with a woman on Whatsapp. I knew he was this type of guy before we got together. I will do my best to understand him and not take it personally.

Reply November 5, 2015, 4:13 pm

shriya raghavan

the guy I love (he also loves me) is a “flirt”. He has assured to me that he will not cross the boundary, But I m slightly insecure. I don’t know how to react and talk to him. I feel awkward when he flirts with other girls. Plz help me (anyone plzz)!! :(

Reply October 8, 2015, 7:52 am


This is a great article. The flirts of the world thank you <3

Reply September 30, 2015, 2:25 am


I’m confused and hope you can clarify… You said

“It may seem narcissistic, but people do it all the time. They look at their partner’s behaviors and take them personally as meaning something about them. Then they shame, punish or guilt their partner into stopping that behavior.”

How do you not take it personally? He wouldn’t want me to do it to him. He obviously knows it’s disrespectful because he’s hiding it. It seems the only option is to stay and accept it or leave?

Is that the point your making?

Reply September 9, 2015, 5:36 am

Eric Charles

Good question – I will respond to this as concisely as I can, but my response has a few layers so please read the entire thing before drawing any conclusions…

If you are going to remain participating in the relationship, then yes, the only sane option is to internally accept what the other person is doing… without taking it personally, without reacting to it, without counterattacking.

The key words above being: internally accept. This is for you. My point here is that you lose your power of choice if you instantly react to another person’s behavior… whereas if you have space around how you experience them… if you can be calm, at peace and unaffected… then you have huge choice in how you respond and thus, huge power to change and improve your situation.

So to answer what you asked above directly (which was, “It seems the only option is to stay and accept it or leave – is that the point your making?”), my answer would have to be yes.

However, when I say “accept”, I don’t mean in the sense of being a doormat… where a person (male or female) would be expected to endure poor treatment from a partner like it’s their role to just “take it”.

When I say accept it, I’m talking about getting out of the cycle of conflict with the person you’re in a relationship with so that you can have an opportunity to have a good, happy, healthy relationship.

Conflict breeds more conflict. The more two people fight, the deeper their grievances entrench themselves in each person’s mind… and the negative emotional energy of the conflict, over time, starts to become a lens they see the other person through.

Now, next time they fight, they don’t just see what’s happening… they see all their previous conflicts coming up to the surface… they see an enemy, an adversary and a wrongdoer.

A major difference between great, loving couples and toxic couples is that the great, loving couples never see each other as an enemy/adversary/wrongdoer. They always see each other as on the same time and, when in conflict, they approach the conversation with compassion and never lose sight of their partnership.

This is not the norm in society. Some people grew up in loving households that were great at handling conflict… but the majority of people need to learn how to handle conflict effectively.

Now, sometimes when I talk about this stuff, someone thinks I’m saying that a person (male or female, depending on the audience) *deserves* bad treatment in the relationship and should just take it and deal with it.

Deservingness has nothing to do with it. Deservingness only comes up as an issue when people are looking at relationship as two individual people trying to “get theirs” and not be taken advantage of. The idea of it is rooted in conflict-thinking and fear-based thinking.

What I’m talking about is being able to exit the conflict-style of relating to others and enter the mindset of “partnership building”.

At this point in my life, personally, I am only interested in having partners in my life. I’m not interested in having any more enemies… so if I have to have someone in my life who I’m in conflict with, I do my best to relate to them as a partner and never as an enemy. It doesn’t mean I prefer how they relate to me, but it does mean that I accept it… and I accept it because it’s the only effective thing I can do… for my sanity and for my ability to communicate with them (if I need to).

Now you’ll notice I said “if I have to have someone in my life,” which implies that if I don’t have to have them in my life, I will most likely allow them to fade away from my life as quickly as possible. Not in a mean way… just a natural, effortless, unconcerned way of letting go.

When I learned to accept people as they are (no matter how close or far they are from me), it really opened up a whole new experience of life to me.

Conflict and drama wastes so much time and mental energy with no reward and a high cost. Letting go of conflict allowed me to see people far more clearly and, as a result, I have made far better choices in who I allow to be around me in my life.

I’ve noticed this shift in people I’ve worked with too… there are many people (men and women), who I’ve observed making the transition from relating to others through fear/conflict into relating to others through nonreactive acceptance. My observation is that once these people learned to accept others, they became much happier and their social situations became much happier.

Many of their relationships transmuted into much deeper, much happier, much more meaningful relationships.

However, other relationships of theirs dissolved without drama, strain or heartbreak… once the conflict ended, it was as if the two people realized that, without conflict, there was nothing there for them anymore and they moved on. Some people are so entrenched in their need for conflict that they’re not ready to have a relationship without that quality (unless of course they want something from that person… then they are able to suppress that hunger for conflict in favor of their hunger for whatever else they want to get from the other person).

This turned out to be a long post after all, but it boils down to one point: In relationship, it always involves you as part of the equation. You can’t change the other person, but you can change how you react to them, view them, respond to them, etc. That is where you have power in your relationships. You can’t have that power if you react without consideration… you can only have it if you can accept what’s actually happening.

The only thing you have to “do” in that case is bring consciousness into the interactions with the other person. Instead of getting sucked into conflict, allow yourself to lean back and quietly observe. Allow there to be space around your interactions and intelligence, clarity and wisdom will effortlessly become available to you. What you do next will have power and effectiveness from that place, so long as you continue to stay conscious and not get sucked into conflict.

Reply September 9, 2015, 9:25 am


I have a question. My boyfriend and I met overseas due to the military. We started to date and when I came back stateside he started to flirt with his female friend. Who I had a bad feeling about in the first place. However, he reassured me she was “unattractive” and “one of the guys”. He would not kick her out of his life. But would ask me to kick some people out of mine. he said there was nothing there. We broke up due to distance and him wanting it and he was hoe’d around. When we started to talk again a month later he told me how he hoe’d around and I asked about that female who he did have sexual relations with as well. I did nothing with anyone. I got over it (not really) and we started to date again. However this is now when I found out when I left the base overseas to come back stateside he was flirting with that female friend. and he did lie about some of the females during our break up (what he did and no feelings blah blah). He cheated, to me flirting with another person intentionally is cheating. His mom and him want me to give him a second chance. However I am scared. I was previously married and still going through a divorce and have major trust issues. Should I forgive my boyfriend and let him go? He cried and said he changed this second time and hasnt done anything. But I just dont know if he really means it and if I can trust him.

Reply September 5, 2018, 4:56 pm


Some sanity! Thank you!

Reply September 7, 2015, 5:50 pm


I just happened to find this site and was so happy to read Eric’s comments! As a soon to be 47 year old woman, two years out of my 25 year relationship with my ex husband (divorced), and with my experiences with him over the years, I have to agree with most of what Eric says in this article. I have read so many articles lately and this one gave me the most articulate insight into common male behaviour.

I will try to give a brief synopsis of my experience…I married a divorced man who cheated on his ex-wife and had a reputation of being a bit of a womanizer. YES, I chose him despite it all cause he told me all about his past and wanted to become a better person through his bad experience. I fell for him hard as a college freshman. He was a great person (and still is to this day) and life was really good for many years. He is kind, volunteers, would help anyone, etc. I struggled with some jealousy and insecurity cause he was a bit of a flirty type, but I didn’t see much of it since this was all pre-cell phone and internet days. I talked to him briefly about it but passed it off since there was no major concern to address. He was not cheating.

Move ahead 15 years or so…he now has a cellphone which is glued to him (I mean, who needs to take it to the bathroom? Why the password?) Internet is popular as is his need to watch easily accessible porn on a regular basis and masturbate while I am at home in another part of the house. The texts are incoming often, notifications are turned off and he needs to then retreat to the basement rec room for hours while I remain upstairs in my office completing my work. We are involved in our own lives and work, he decided 5 years into the marriage he didn’t want kids (which was my dream), we make time for each other as much as we can and still have a very active sex life.

Years roll by and pretty soon I was in a very unhappy marriage. He starts to stay out late, going to meetings when I find out there are none, opens a facebook and multiple email accounts and my insecurities are at a high level. I have suspicions of so much, log into his accounts and find ALL KINDS of behaviour that was so unsettling. He was doing everything from arranging meetings with women (and men), watching and downloading gay porn online, hooking up with old gfs, sending graphic pics of his body and receiving from others. I saved everything I read and confronted him. I then wanted to help him and possibly save our marriage. I knew it was an addiction/low self-esteem/unhappiness…something…we went to just a few marriage therapy sessions and he just decided he couldn’t be the man I needed him to be. He was not up to doing any work. I am still feeling such loss and I shouldn’t be cause he was displaying such bad behaviour but I KNOW deep down this is not about me. I am a good hearted, professional, financially independent woman who is attractive and gave him the best sex of his life…LADIES, hear me, your man’s behaviour is NOT about YOU!!! I could not have given him any more than I did, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. I know he loved me, but he grew to love his carefree life more. Our social media/internet is killing so many relationships when you mix it with insecure/lonely/unhappy people. Too much is available and temptations are high! When my marriage was shaky, even I opened a facebook account and got a boost talking to ex bfs and displaying attractive pics. I needed emotional stimulation and communication when it had become absent in my marriage.

My ex now has a steady gf and i know he is still involved in the same bad behaviour as before. Sad that it was easier to walk out and start over with someone knew than stay and try to face his disturbing behaviour. He has told me that I have an “Ace up my sleeve” and to not tell his new gf what I know of him…I am trying to cope with all my hurt…

I am moving on slowly and have been with an amazing new bf for a year. He has been separated 4 years and has a young son. He and I hooked up and he was so open about his desire for a modern woman like myself. We talked so much about infidelity (which his ex did to him), I am invested and we are talking of a future, house, moving to the same town, etc…we spend every 2nd weekend together, I love his son, sex is awesome… is good… but here’s what just happened!!!…I picked up his phone ( he shared his password once) and I saw a message he obviously did not erase to a lady he obviously knew and was talking to at a bar. He was saying that it was too bad she was with this other guy and he was inviting her to his place for the night as they could have the place to themselves!! (that was a night I was unable to visit him due to a family commitment) He was at his hometown and went out to a social event without me. He claimed his went with family members when we talked about his night.

I am dumbfounded. Stunned. Hurt. I am trying to be logical. That woman did not go home with him. He had texted that it was “too bad” she chose the other guy at the bar. There were no other messages and this was from a month ago. I DO NOT want to go all crazy on him, but I feel like it considering all my past hurts. I tell myself, nothing happened. But he offered!!! He would have taken her to his house where there are framed pics of us that I gave him, cards displayed that obviously mean something to him…trinkets/gifts sitting on the dresser…I don’t know if I should just ignore this or confront him. I talked to him about not sure why I am feeling insecure lately to see what he would say. He says we are good and I am the only one worried about us, he is not. I do not want to be a fool here. I can’t have another relationship continue for years only to end up unhappy again with someone with secrets. It is so damaging!! If only men could stop this kind of behaviour!!! They have no idea how much it affects the very core of a woman! I love this man but I am so scared…

Eric, shed some light on what you think it happening here…btw, while writing this message, he just called to say his divorce will be final in 2 days and expressed how nice of a weekend we had together…oh my, I don’t want to ruin what might be my future husband…HELP ME…plz…

Reply September 7, 2015, 1:46 am



I have been reading articles online about this topic and am always interested in hearing a mans perspective. Some of this makes sense to me, I get it: my BF is a heavy flirter/sexter etc and it’s really an ego rush for him, he gets something out of it that he lacks internally. But the problem is dishonesty.

I was well into our relationship, in the process of moving in together, and I asked him, “are you involved in any way with any other women?” He looked straight into my eyes and said “no”. I told him I could handle a lot of life challenges, but that personally for me, infidelity of any sort was unacceptable.

Shortly thereafter, I used his phone, and there was a text from another woman. I looked. It was graphic. I looked again, and there were so many it made me physically ill. Suggestive talk, photos and even discussions of meetings. Pages and pages, basically: an entire secret life.

I confronted him, and again he lied to me. Then was angry at me. Then, confessed he had an “addiction” and wanted to stop. This continued for 6 months until I moved out.

I was empathetic and understanding, but my self esteem took a crushing blow. Sure, it wast about “me”, but, I was the one who got nailed by the inadvertent shrapnel.

A: that broken trust is really the deal breaker, and B: that behavior will never change and it is not, in any way, nor it should be, acceptable to anyone.

Men: if you wish to behave like this, if you NEED to behave like this, how about you disclose this information during the early dating stage, before people become emotionally and spiritually (and often financially) invested? How about this: Hi, my name is Joe. I really like you and would love a relationship, but full disclosure: I will always flirt, text, possibly meet, send and receive sexy talk and pictures with other women. Would you like to be my girlfriend?

That way, you can weed out the ones who don’t want to deal with that bull****.
THAT would be honest.

Reply August 24, 2015, 12:02 pm


So I have just read this article and found it very informative and it actually made a lot of sense to me to why people would do that, also I related it to myself a lot, when I was single a lot of times I’d feel unloved or depressed I’d have go on facebook for example and upload a nice picture of myself, I’d receive a lot of comments girls/boys that would kind of boosted my confidence. I know it is silly and some would say it is just online stuff not a real life or something, but I wasn’t trying to become a virtual star the people who wrote these comments were real and sometimes it is so good to hear a good word about yourself, which makes you feel loved and good about yourself. Same as when you feel down and someone smiled at you and said you are beautiful – it would brighten up your day. Of course it looks like attention seeking, because I actually was attention seeking, in a good way, to feel better about myself and my insecurities.

Now I am in a relationship and I don’t need that attention, but I am jealous and feeling bad about my boyfriend doing this to other girls. It is not a healthy way he is doing it either. We were not okay for a while now and I felt like something is going on, he is always on his phone, but text me only once a day, he has all these women messaging him online flirting who he calls his friends. So the other day – and I am not saying it’s a good behavior of mine – I looked at his phone and found there are so many women he talks in such a sexy flirting way. He wouldn’t do it online where I could see it, he would not respond to them in public, but I knew there is a reason they feel comfortable to speak to him like that. It was all on his phone, things he wrote were like ‘hello, just a reminder that I love you loads and loads xxxxx’, ‘miss you so bloody much my sexy dirty northern monkey’, ‘yea went to the party but rather been with you, love u so much’, ‘why you didn’t reply to my message where I said I love you’, ‘missing you my gorgeous happy little hippie’, ‘my heart is breaking not being with you in this festival’ and on my birthday he dropped a car at one branch, as he works in car rental company and I saw a message sent to a girl from that branch just a kiss, then another one an hour later ‘thank you for that beautiful xxx’, she replied ur welcome we should meet up sometime and he replies ‘yes we def should we been planning this forever’

I could go on and on, but just wanted to give an idea of what sort of flirting is that, it wasn’t sent to just one woman, they for a few different ones, he told me before he loves them as his friends, they are so close like family sort of thing. But I do have very close friends and once in a while I might say ‘I love u and appreciate you as a friend’ but not for years on a weekly basis sending them reminders, they wouldn’t get me and though I was trying on with them. Also I would appear as a ‘slut’ talking like this with others whilst seeing my boyfriend.

I confronted him about it, in the past I did mention I didn’t like his friends being flirty with him online, but he said I was just paranoid and jealous of him having such a bond with them, but when I saw this I just kinda went crazy and said we are over. He tried to make up with me and we spoke today he agreed he should not spoke to them in this way, all the kisses and loving stuff was not necessary. I know he is insecure, he won’t ever show it, but I know sometimes when he would be drunk it came out, he gets so jealous any man even dares to look at me, he wouldn’t let me wear clothes that are too sexy or made a comment about it, I caught him checking my messages a lot of times and he would give a go about things he doesn’t like which could be something like ‘why did you sent that person a sad face’, and he mention when he was drunk I didn’t say ‘I love you’ to him enough and he didn’t felt loved and desired by me. When he told me this problem he had with me I started saying it more, like I personally don’t crave for such thing, I feel appreciated when I receive flowers, daily calls, long night talks, cuddles, spend more time with him (we live 3 hours away from each other), when he tells me I am pretty or is there for me when I’m upset. But I don’t need him to say I love you to me so many times (I know it sound silly, but he needs that). And as you said in this article, we tend to love how we want to be loved, so the love I showed him was by these things that I crave for; time, presents, cuddles, long talks, always was there for him and supported him. But he mention he needed something else, so I started saying it now every time we talk, thinking I provided him with what is missing. I asked him so many more times if he misses something else, what else could I do to him, never said anything else!

So I read this article and texted him today asking to what did I didn’t provide that he needed to go out there and message all these people in this way, I said you need to be honest with me and work things out if there is a problem whilst if you figure I can’t give you what you need, you should let me go, as I am ready to work on the relationship, but what you are doing is very unfair on me and hurts me’.

He said nothing is wrong except I go mental over little things like that and are a jealous type. He doesn’t have any insecurities and didn’t message the girls to boost his ego, but he doesn’t know why he did it. I asked maybe he is unaware how he feels, he just said ‘omg, can you stop this’. He also said I concentrate to much on the past we need to start fresh and look forward to our bright future cos will be so happy in the end, but we didn’t get there yet.

Guess my question is what shall I do now? I said I can try to forgive him, that we need to work things out and wanted to know what he need from me, but he is not proving those answers! I can’t continue like this, it makes me not to trust him and hurts me, taken I would never do this behind his back and I was ready to try and give him everything he needs, if he tells me what he needs that I haven’t given him yet. Now he is not willing to tell me this and he rather just ignores everything and pretend we are happy. But problems won’t sort theirselves out if you don’t talk with each other and sort them out. I am so confused as if maybe than there are no other problems he has with me, but he doesn’t love me anymore, but why then he would not just break up with me, or now that I broke up with him and he still wants me back? I start to think that maybe he really has some feelings for these girls and it wasn’t just a confidence boost but he does love them and finds them attractive, but why he is with me than, or what if he likes multiple relationships? But then idea of open relationship won’t even cross his mind, taken he is so jealous about other men even talking to me.

I can’t just ignore what happened, because if he continues talking like this to them and arranging meet ups with his sexy work colleagues, something worse will possibly happen! Now I am not even sure what he does with his close girl friends when he meets them either? I know in that his friend circle one girl slept with a guy and now she has a boyfriend, but that guy is still trying on with her, he told this to me himself! And they are like a bunch of people, always together with their special bonds; my boyfriend, two other guys and three other girls. One of the guys trying with one of the girls, other has a gf so he always brings her around. But when I tried to ask my boyfriend to invite me to their hangouts he refused as I talk not nice about them, why would he invited me. The reason I talk like this because I don’t know them and I just state the facts I see – they are being flirty with my boyfriend which is disrespectful to me. I could have said something to them but I rather suggested meeting them and giving them a chance to change my opinion, but he basically hides me from his friends and he tells them stuff like I am very insecure, crazy and have unreasonable jealousy for them! It’s all very weird to me and I don’t know what to do now. I can’t let this go forever, because it is all progressing into something not good I think.

We are not teenager either, I am nearly 25, he is nearly 29, we have been together for 5 years, with one year break in between. Things didn’t work out in a first place, because on exact same reasons, he flirted a lot with his other workmate, I was paranoid, he said she is just overly friendly and he doesn’t look at her in this way, she is just a friend, we broke up and eventually he slept with her, send her flowers, hang up and wanted her to be his girlfriend. He never introduced me to her either, also because of the same reasons. He spoke bad things about me to her too. My worries are not unreasonable. So confused. Please help! Many thanks!!

Reply July 18, 2015, 6:10 pm


Please read the last of your paragraphs again and you will know what to do. I do not even know where to start, I will say, “run, girl, run.” What he is doing is having a control in your relationship and emotionally abusing you while simultaneously telling other women how insecure and crazy you are. And you are not allowed to even have a friendly conversation with other men. He is not just a bad boyfriend, he is your enemy. Look, I had a similar situation when I was 22 with my ex, Not only is he giving an ego boost to his co-workers by putting your relationship and you down (by flirting), but he is also describing you as crazy to them. He can not act more maliciously towards you if he could. I wish I could chat with you to explain you similar situations that I went through with my ex. Anway, I would run from him as fast as I can. He will completely ruin your self-confidence and sanity. Eventually, you will become crazy as he is already calling you. He might want to destabilise you. But whatever the case is, run.

Reply May 17, 2017, 5:30 pm


Overall, this article proves men don’t know s*** about relationships. One of the most biased and ignorant articles I’ve ever read.

Reply July 15, 2015, 2:51 pm

Eric Charles

So you’re accusing me of being biased and ignorant… and the first sentence of your comment is: “this article proves men don’t know s*** about relationships”

I’m just going to pause a moment to let the irony sink in for everyone…

Reply July 15, 2015, 4:59 pm


Lol omg i wonder if this woman is smart enough to know she just completely embarrassed herself…what an idiot

Reply July 15, 2015, 10:07 pm


The man is insecure. Why even put up with it? Men show their true colors within a few dates either you accept it or say “Next!”

Reply June 27, 2015, 6:13 pm


I feel no man is insecure. If he would be, he wouldn’t have the guts to approach another woman. He is enjoying his life. Doesn’t care who thinks what or how his wife feels. It’s time the woman realized that there’s nothing right and wrong. Men do exactly what they feel. Nothing matters to them .

Reply August 3, 2016, 3:09 am

Eric Charles

No man is insecure?

Reply August 3, 2016, 9:45 am


This is the best clarification I have ever gotten. Thanks for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing that it is not ok to do. Seems like everyone is justifying being directed in a relationship. That the problem is our insecurity. I think the only problem is that we keep allowing it to happen. We are not the cure for someone else’s void.

Reply June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm


Eric, how can I submit a letter for your advice?

I accidentally typed this on someone else’s comment.

Reply June 17, 2015, 2:15 pm


YES. This.

Reply June 10, 2015, 10:00 am


I feel this is a little biased. I’m having a situation in which my fiancé has sent inappropriate messages to three of my female friends telling them not to tell me because I’ll get mad. Um hell yes I’ll get mad but it’s more from the fact he doesn’t want me to know than what he’s saying. I understand I may not be filling all his needs but he needs to express that to me as much as I need to express my feelings of hurt from what he has done. It takes two to work on the problem. I should not have to cater to him nor should he to me. This is a partnership not a dictatorship.

Reply May 24, 2015, 12:21 am


That guy needs a swift kick in the ace. What happened to faithful men one guy loving one girl end of story type deal!!!! Lady I hope you find a man who will only looking at you for the rest of his life

Reply July 20, 2015, 12:53 am


Hi I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 3years now..I’ve never used to be jealous .He is also a flirt and he wanted to kiss girls like 4 or 5 times that I’ve seen on texts I was pissed and I did leave him but we got back together…thing is he never made plans to go see the girls but he was always flirty over the phone and it real feels shit. .I basically always try to help or do anything for him..and lots of people told me I can do better and I’m better looking than those girls..but I think since I’ve been dating him I don’t feel pretty at all or enough anymore. The latest thing that happened is where he wanted to kiss a chick that just had a kid and she’s 17 and he’s 20 so what the hell. .I don’t know what to do.

Reply May 19, 2015, 5:46 am


Thank you, Eric. This has been most helpful. Please tour and give speeches on this subject matter. I am sure Oprah will endorse you. I think about 20% of divorce issues are due to Facebook, so you have a market to help!

Reply May 6, 2015, 10:02 am

Eric Charles

Haha thank you… I appreciate it.

Reply May 6, 2015, 3:02 pm


Hii…m 23 yrs old . We are in LDR .we hardly meet 10 times ,but we stay connected.we loved each other .but from last 3-4 months he gave less time to me. He used to say ‘i was busy’ i know he is hardworking.but finally one day i caught him to flirt with diffrent diffrent girl to meet me and all stuffs .i make me belove that he only loves me only.his all family member also knows about us. What to do i dont understand now.

Reply April 21, 2015, 4:13 am


Hi Eric. How can I submit a question for your advice?

Reply June 17, 2015, 2:13 pm


Hi Yashita , i am 31 I was also on a LDR with same named girl , i was accused and left away with a same reason, i knew her from past eight years.
Please try to find if he is really flirting ( romantic) versus if he is trying socialize , if he is just talking to some other person doesnot mean that he is dumping you and he is not in love with you .
Seriouly touch you heart and tell me that you havent spoken to any other guy other than him , even if it is with out any intention? can you put urself in that place, think! , how would you feel if he would accuse you with the same. (what if he wasnt really flirting )
Talk to him , rather than assuming things , believe me , life would be much harder if you start talking simple things in a hard way.

Reply January 11, 2016, 1:19 pm


OMG Eric I love you.. I wish I meet a guy like you lol :P <3

Reply March 28, 2015, 7:41 am


So my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We’ve never had any major problems aside from a casual argument over something stupid, we makeup and it’s good again. We’re happy. But he’s constantly texting females from his work place. I know that he is NOT cheating. bit he will texts these girls (he doesn’t know I know he does this).
The thing is– all these women want him. He makes it very clear he’s in a serious relationship but that still doesn’t stop these women from throwing themselves at him. I just kind of feel like I’m sharing him? Like he has this whole secret life I don’t know about at work. And I’m just battling with myself. I don’t want to talk to our family or friends about it and I’m at a loss. Any suggestions or comments would be GREATLY apreciated.

Reply March 14, 2015, 11:16 am


I agree whole heartedly with this article. My question is this…. I am OK with him texting other women but he refuses to sexy text me. How do I encourage him to be flirtatious with me in texts or why might he not want to do this with me? I guess I feel left out of this in his life. We have been together for about nine months. He gets irritated when I try to sexy text him yet he is having these kind of conversations with other woman.

Reply March 12, 2015, 2:55 pm


Heck yeah!!! Amen!!!! No excuse no one likes cheaters shouldn’t even be talking to other women.

Reply July 20, 2015, 12:59 am


I hope you are not that empty-headed now. Sorry to say this, but what you wrote sounds completely unintelligent.

Reply May 17, 2017, 5:52 pm


So are we supposed to overlook the way their actions hurt us, (by hitting on other girls), for the sake of understanding them? While I agree that men are trying to fill a void and there actions are a result of underlying feelings, needs, etc. It sounds like ignoring how you feel is the equivalent of releasing your partner of any and all responsibility for their actions. They should be held accountable considering we are our choices. I think it should be a combination of both. Our partners should be held accountable for their actions and if they messed up, they should make it right. But I also agree that the reason behind why our partner acted in that way should be addressed as well.

Reply March 11, 2015, 11:29 pm


Hi I need some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend , we have been dating for over 18 months and are both divorced with children from previous marriages .I know that he is into porn as am I and I have no issues with this . Only that I seem to have a gut feeling that he is accessing sex chat rooms and I am unsure about why he feels the need to do this as we have an amazing sex life and pretty much anything goes … I don’t know how to approach this with him I’m upset and confused as to what to say or do . Please help

Reply March 10, 2015, 12:43 pm


Been dating the same guy going into 3 yrs. in yr 2 he gave me his password info to email to handle some business for him. In doing so I noticed some social media and dating site conversations with other women. So me being probing I continued to look into the emails weekly. I finally confronted him about, expressing how disrespectful I felt he was being. His argument was I invaded his privacy. I owned up to it and apologize. He stated it meant nothing and it was just conversation. As time has moved on his habits of cell phone calls, text and social media etc increased. So I started going back looking into what he was doing. I have found several occasions where there is much inappropriate conversation as well as a date and propersistions for meeting. Have confronted again, still NO change or stopping! Just a heated argument. This last time he inquired to a female to sleep with her, she declined stating she didn’t want to jeopardize her relationship because she is happy. Well this sent me over the edge and I shut down, stopped communicating with him, and told him we needed a break! I didn’t disclose what prompted me to this discesion. Please advise me if I’m the crazy one for feeling slighted and mad wanted to end the relationship. And why does he feel like he is doing nothing wrong.

Thanks hurting heart

Reply February 26, 2015, 1:56 pm


For everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the open, and every secret will be brought to light. (Mark 4:22)

Reply June 10, 2015, 10:04 am


I sincerely hope that you left the cheating guy who will probably never change.

Reply May 17, 2017, 5:58 pm


Or, better-said, the abusive jerk.

Reply May 17, 2017, 5:59 pm


I NEED HELP! I been with my boyfriend for two years..I am 21 yrs old and he is 23.. my issue with my boyfriend is that he flirts with his friends (females) also with random females on facebook.. The main thing I hate when he flirts with other females is that he tells them that he still has feelings for them but he is telling this to his supposedly friends.. I know that he was never with these girls..Why would he tell them that,if never been with them? I did talked to him about it why the heck are you flirting with these girls and he said to let stress out.. I told him to respect me and to stop flirting but of course he has not stopped.. The other day I found a piece of paper in his pants with a girls phone number and asked him calmly what is this and he said that she is just a friend and that the reason why he got her phone number was because she was a cool person and has cool curly hair..I think that was bullshit why? Because he wouldn’t like it if I get a guy’s phone number just because he is funny and has cute eyes.. I’m not stupid I know why he got her number so that he text her (obviously) and to flirt with her.. Another thing to is that when we go out to eat or go to the store he checks out girls and later on I find out he adds those exact girls on Facebook and Instagram..I told him that to stop checking out girls because that is being disrespectful to me and few weeks ago he added a girl on Instagram; the girl he added was a girl he kept staring when we went to go out to eat at a restaurant and I of course I got upset and told him to unfollow her and he did unfollow her.. Then back in April of last year my boyfriend was going out to hang out with his friends but I did not know exactly what friends and he did not have a phone back then so I didn’t know what he was doing or who he was hanging out with, so late what I mean late is that he would go out from 8 pm and go back home until 5 am.. Why was he out so late if he had to go to work the next day? Another thing to is that one day he told me he was going out with his family to go eat and I asked his mom and she said that was not true then another day he told me he had to go to his grandpas house because his grandpa was not feeling good and ask my boyfriends mom if her dad was okay and she yes and I also asked her if my boyfriend went with them to her dads house and she said no that he went out that night.. I think he was going out to hang out with other girls..i confronted him about it and he said he was just hanging out with friends just “talking” really got me pissed off that he lied about his grandpa being sick that night when he was actually hanging out with someone so late at night..he doesn’t even stay up that late with me, he even complained about being awake at 11 pm talking to me but right after he got of the phone supposedly going to sleep he would go on Facebook until 3 in a morning and i ask him why he would stay up late being on Facebook? He denied being on Facebook but I am not stupid I know why he was awake being on Facebook so late and lying to me that he was going to sleep.. Three months ago I told him how I felt about him lying to me and that I am tired of him not keeping his promises and he blames me for our relationship not being a good relationship when he is the one making mistakes and told him that I was leaving him because I was upset and sad from what did to me and he got pissed off and told me not to leave because he loves so much and it would hurt him see me leave him so I stayed…I don’t flirt with guys and I don’t even talk to my guy friends because he gets pissed off.. i treat my boyfriend good, when he gets sick I am right next to him taking care of him so he can feel better, when he is not having a good day at work he calls me I am right there for him so I can make his day better, I cook for him I also have dinner ready for him when gets out work, and I also wash his clothes, I give him love and support and our sex life is great.. I been living with him for six months..why does he still lie to me about not flirting with girls? When he still does.. WHAT should I do, should I break up with him or should I wait until I find out he is actually physically cheating on me??? Help me, I need an advice!!!

Reply January 7, 2015, 12:05 pm


I hope that this is behind yu now and that you are either single or with someone else. But what I am going to say refers not only to you but to me in your age and to many women of all ages:why are women so god-damn stupid?!

Reply May 17, 2017, 6:05 pm


The part that stuck out to me was the part where you said you knew what kind of guy he was from the get go.
My boyfriend and I dated long distance for two years. I ended up moving to his state to further our relationship. Two days after I got here I went to get on the computer and his twitter page was pulled up. I tried to resist the urge to peak but the little voice in my head provoked me until I found myself in his DMs (for anyone that doesn’t know that is direct message). I found a particularly interesting conversation of him with a girl where he claimed we fought all the time, had nothing in common, and that he was stuck with me because I was pregnant (5 months at this time) I was devestated to say the least! we had never so much as spoken in a loud tone to eachother. I tried for a day to figure out how to bring it up because to confront him would mean to admit I had indulged my childish side. But he could tell something was wrong and when he asked I told him. We had a big blow up where he of course tried the methods…lie…oh she isn’t falling for it?….let me try the truth since shes leaving anyways. I was going to move back home. I do not tolerate lies above all!…. but we were having a child together and I told myself people make mistakes. It wasn’t like he had actual relations with this woman. But now even as our daughter is 3 months old I cant help but not trust him, and Im not as attracted to him as I use to be. and its like his word doesnt mean much these days. No matter what he says.

So basically you dont always know what kind of guy your dealing with, some put up fronts and walls. and you dont see the real them right away!

Reply December 5, 2014, 10:36 pm


Hello I been with my fiance for 2 years now everything has been going great I noticed that on his phone on wordfued he’s asking a female for any type of picture of her. I’m upset and want to ask him why he feels the need to do this but he doesn’t know I seen it on his phone what should I do?

Reply November 23, 2014, 1:24 pm


So me and my boyfriend of three years broke up. I couldnt deal with his lying anymore. He tried to cbver up his lies with more lies. This hurt me deeply. I asked him why he lies so much nd why he doesnt take me seriously. He said he does, but then he would go right back to kying to ne again. Hed lie about who he was with, where he was, wat he was doing. I realized he didnt have interest in me anymore wen he started to add naked girls on his IG and random chicks on his FB. I cried , screamed, sat him down and talked to him… basically anything i coyld possibly do to make him see how much it hurt me to see that stuff. Then one day i find out hes talking to one of his sisters friends behind my back and he was going on escorts site. That hurt me more… i asked why doesnt he love me, why myst he do that and all i gotten was a laugh in the face. I guess i wasnt the one for him. Therefre hes not the one for me. It hurts bc i spent three years with someone who can just throw me away and blame me for everything. And yet….. i still love him. Why? What do i do?

Reply November 20, 2014, 9:16 pm


You love the guy.

Why? Does anyone really know?

Maybe you love that he feels like “a challenge” like many women have been quoted.
Obviously he’s not “a challenge”.. he’s impossible. Plain and simple: you care: he doesn’t

That’s not going to change.

Sure.. he might “miss you when you’re gone” but IF you ever take this person back, then he will not learn
“via experience”
that if he wants someone of your value he cannot treat you that way. This is why, it must be over: for good. No second chances. This is why by dropping him, you’re teaching him something: that it is unacceptable to treat you this way and he loses when he behaves this way. You would not give a misbehaving 5 year old an ice cream cone every time the child acts poorly would you? No. This guy straight up acts like a 5 year old and you should not reward him any longer.

It sounds like a lot of this you already know, so I’m not looking to convince what you already know, I’m just re-enforcing that.

What do you do? How do you do it?

My best advice for you: the answer is to CHOOSE to hate this person.
NOT “do anything illegal to them” hatred, but “choose that this person no longer exists” hatred. Perhaps, if it helps you can decide to nickname this person that used to mean something and no longer means anything. Satan? Maybe you’ve never seen him and Satan in the same room at the same time before, therefore, maybe it’s Beezlebub himself. Whatever it takes to want to puke when you think of this person and wish you could have someone burn the memories out of your soul into oblivion. Until this person is nothing inside you any more.

Why do you still have feelings for this person? Because you are highly invested, emotionally especially. Your feelings are what they are. Accept that. They are not likely to change. You may go 20 years without seeing that guy and still feel the same, but it is possible you can (i prefer to use my advice above) stamp this person’s pathetic existence out of your soul.

Cleanse your soul.

Thank your lucky stars, You dodged a bullet.

What else can you do? Some things even more constructive.

The important thing is, recognize, you can feel that way about others. He is not some exclusive “the one”. Trust me. So many before you, and so many after you have and will be where you stand now.

We know. It hurts now.

However, you can later have these feelings for another.

Also, I recommend a period of up to 3 months per year you dated of possibly staying single. Reflect on yourself. Discover or rediscover your independence.

And when you truly feel you’re ready to date again, learn a few things from this relationship… one about investment.. do not allow yourself to become significantly more invested with someone.. or at least not with someone you cannot trust/live with. This statement is VERY important. This statement IS NOT intended to mean that ANYTHING in the previous relationship in particularly was your fault. It is not saying that. What it IS saying is, there is something you can choose to do moving forward to prevent similar scenarios: SCREEN BETTER and keep your investment level closer.

This may feel impossible, but it is NOT. It takes a few things: Knowing what you want being one of them and then accepting nothing less.

I hope this helps and even if not I hope it gives you some perspective to work with.
I hope you soon begin again to see how many potential partners there are in this world and that nothing will ever be like THIS relationship, it will be different… however, different can be new, fresh, exciting and sometimes, losing someone you THOUGHT you couldn’t live without before opens the path for someone you really WILL want to keep around.

Screen better up front and don’t let scum run your life.

You can do it. Become a strong independent woman that other women look up to and men drool lining up to be with you and you will have a world of suitors to replace this chump-change with.

I have to hurry to meet people and no time to proofread this, so I ask you: ignore any grammar or poorly formatted writing as this is quick reply Sorry [not sorry! haha]

I wish you the best.

Reply November 21, 2014, 8:02 pm


Thank you. I read your reply every time i start to pity myself. Then after i read it i realize it not my fault but his own. Hes mentaly still a child and his choices are his choices alone. Thank you again. I really appreciate the support. Happy New Year.
Lots of love <3

Reply January 10, 2015, 12:44 pm


I never thought I would have to type something like this into my search bar- having never been cheated on or broken up with in the past, I’ve always been confident that my baby would stand up for me and proudly wear me on his chest like he always has after all the shit we went through. I thought my world was caving until I gave into desperate measures to find out how to deal with this because I do love this boy too much to flush everything down the drain. Thank you for a raw, unromantic, non sugar coated answer. I understand now not to blame myself or blow up something that was most likely nothing compared to what we have. You saved an awesome relationship for real.

Reply August 25, 2015, 6:10 pm


Hi Eric,
I see my relation in this topic. My boyfriend is 8 years olds than me he’s 27. Yet it hadn’t been too much of a problem as far as I can tell. Except for some things… He’s my first boyfriend, he has had many relations before me but never a serious one like this, never one that lasted more than 8 months. I know about his past and how he was cheated on by girls he really loved and hasn’t had anything lasting since that. I know he has an obsession with huge breasts, blondes, blue eyes, pale skin. You name it. In his teens he had a very made case of acne and shut himself out from the world in shame of his skin. I know that has affected him as a person. I can tell he desires “to be seen and desired” and this has been a problem for us. The fact that I found his phone with nudes from his “friends”, exes etc. Conversations with women he long time ago met on Badoo and started talking too now. His phone was filled with conversations with women being more than inappropriate as he called them “my love” and named one “sexy Russian”. I confronted him about what I saw and he cried and asked for my forgiveness and I told him that I’ll put my last energies on working on this.
He told me that the reason he’s doing it is because he also wants to feel desired and get some optical entertainment. I don’t think it’s the right way to fill those voids so I suggested him to talk to someone to see what’s wrong and how it can be helped. I love him and after my pain I saw this from the perspective that he needs help. I tell him how attractive he is, beautiful, hard working and sexually desire him. All this because I think so, but I also do it extra for him to feel a little better.
He says that “these women don’t even live close”. No they don’t but neither do I want this to lead to cheating nor do I feel enough or respected by him and our relation in these situations. If we move to a town he has contact with someone, what a shame. I strongly disbelieve that he would ever DO something with another woman but I feel an emotional cheating that it’s good for anyone of us. I mean he can’t feel super good when lying and doing things behind my back.

I have him time to see what this is doing to our relation and he told me he blocked everyone he was talking to. Yet ofcooooourse ( this is a bit silly ) I see him commenting girls pictures with hearts and telling them how beautiful they are and asking for their numbers, kiks. And I asked why he would do that after our fight. And he said “I just wanted to find out why they where liking all of my pictures” yeah that reason was bulllshit to me and even if it’s his truth I feel bad for him for acting like that. Since our fight I’ve felt jealous, suspicious and insecure. Which never have before so it has affected me too, I feel bad for having those sides now but I’m working on my trust for him and he has his instagram buddies. That I’m only afraid that it will lead to talking etc. And we would be back in the same old and I would honestly change my ticket and fly back home (over the Atlantic) and feel so frustrated and sad.

Please guide me…

Reply November 12, 2014, 11:47 am


Hi im dating a guy who is much younger than me woman keeps posting pictures of him on social media saying that they are with him so i confront him about it cause i was really upset so he said hes not with them they jus like posting pics of him so i then said well you need to control what people post cause its affecting me he then said he cant control what these girls post on there profile. My question is what should i do about this?

Reply November 8, 2014, 11:54 am


Trust your gut.

If you feel they’re innocent pics, then it’s probably no big deal, just us dudes showing off our popularity.

If you feel it’s really him playing you based on some legit scandalous pics, then start dating new dudes and find one with enough balls to break up with you if he wants to see other women.

Respect yourself. Never allow someone to treat you like a backburner fallback. You’re better than that, even if you don’t know it yet.

Reply November 8, 2014, 12:02 pm


I am a 22 year old women dating a 27 year old man. I truthfully dont like this article one bit. Its just not fair for us women to have to deal with a person who has a void they cant seem to fill. My boyfriend just last night told me he misses being promiscuous. .. that his freedom is talking and having sex with other women. Smh….. what he told me last night what basically the missing puzzle piece i needed to help me figure out why he was lying about talking to other women, or checking out other women in front of me, or even flirtng with other women right in front of me too, or why he doesnt want to have sex with me anymore. I juat dnt kno what to do.. he swears i cheated on him, doesnt make sense to me bc how is he going to swear that i cheated on him if hes the one having these urges????? I feel like a fool, i also feel like i wasted three years of my lie with someone whos not taking me seriously. What should i do?

Reply November 2, 2014, 6:42 pm


He sounds bored based on what you said. It happens. Not your fault nor his. People get bored sometimes.

The only way it will work out is if you both want it to. Usually, a man should say directly what he wants and if he tells you that then he means it.

It is possible he “doesn’t know” what he wants and if you split then he will realize he misses what you had… but that’s super lame to me and if that’s true then he hasn’t learned to know what he wants and is an indecisive person at this point in his life, in my opinion.

Most of the elements, to me, are irrelevant.. because I feel that if you aren’t getting what you truly want then it’s not right and there are infinite options out there.

It sounds like you care about him.. so I respect that but if he doesn’t know how good he has it with you and doesn’t value that then you’re wasting time and you’re plenty young enough to easily find more boyfriends.. no problem.

I could tell you what to do..
I could tell you what I would do..
But, what I feel would be best is for you to also work to be decisive, make a decision about this for yourself and then go with that decision. Don’t base that decision on what he says or does or your life will be dictated by someone else and not yourself.

-Decide what you want
-Decide if you are getting what you want
-Decide if this is the life you want
-Act based on that and stick to your guns even though that may feel that you are being mean or selfish.

This is just my opinion, I hope it helps or if not offers you perspective before making your own decision

Reply November 8, 2014, 12:16 pm


Hi Eric,
I am with this guy for six years we also have a child together,he cheated on me before and he is always flirting with other girls but when he flirts with them he ask for nude pictures and he even told commented on one of the girl he cheated with picture saying “you leave me out of words I am astonished”.I could recall him saying that he wants nothing to do with her because she is stupid etc..what can I say men are always saying part and leaving part unsaid,he claims he loves me and that here is where his peace and love lies but he is not convincing at all,I have to wait half of an hour to get a reply from him via text message,what’s app,etc…but o know that he is there.I know that I am part to be blame because I accepted that from the first place because I am always forgiving him because he always says that he will stop doing what he does to hurt me but in actually waiting for him to change is like waiting for rain when it comes to drought hopeless and disappointing. Why is it when a man is fooling around he picks a problem so that when you find out about what he’s doing he says that it’s because you are always nagging that’s because that’s a possible reason for them to state because no man likes a nagging woman.Do you think me a woman who is always around and always ready to work on my weakness in the relationship should keep believing him or keeping hurting?

Reply October 30, 2014, 11:24 am


I’d like to ask advice from a man specifically. I’ll try to cut to the chase. Bottom line is I am in a relationship and my boyfriend constantly is exchanging pics through email or tagging friends and “liking” pics on instagram of models in sexy outfits and in thongs and of nice asses. Everyone always says that this is just human nature and it’s how guys are. But why does this make me feel this bad to have to seek this blog and ask for advice? Honestly when I’ve seen the pics on IG that he likes and tags his friends it makes me feel like shit. He follows all these “model” pages that post ass ass and more ass. It makes me feel as if he might compare me and that I’m not as hot as they are. I do consider myself hot, I’m in shape and have my hispanic curves and consider myself to be pretty and sexy. But no I don’t have that big and fake, perfect round ass that he admires and I feel insecure over this. Should I stop taking this personal? From a Man’s perspective, does this constant checking out of other girls change how he sees me? After 4 years of knowing him, sometimes I start thinking that maybe he doesn’t see me as hot as he used to because of the fact that he’s had me for so long… and the spark is not as strong. I often feel like I wish that he “sweated” me like he does these gorgeous models. The crazy thing is that I am a hot girl (not being conceited), yet I feel insecure because since we’ve been together for a while, I could walk by him in a tjong and it’s not even a big deal anymore. I wish he’d see my ass and react the way he did when we first got together and the way he reacts when he sees these pics on IG that he tags his boys on. :( do I need to get over this? Is this something every guy is going to do? As a man, when u see these hot models & huge perfect butts, does it make u want that instead of your girl or do u compare and see ur girl as less than that? Please advise “/

Reply October 24, 2014, 12:41 am


You’re just following the bro code aren’t you?

Reply August 19, 2014, 2:53 pm


Yea…well im a hot girl devoted and loyal, and i cant drink for health reasons. I treat my longtime boyfriend of 7 years awesome, in all areas .He loves to drink alot, and he makes moves on ugly, fat, alcoholic bitches, all the time. He tries to bed them. Ive contacted them and they told me he tried to get with them. One even told me he wanted to be with her LTR. I talked to him many times about this problem but he gives me straight lies every time. Conclusion is that he wants me to drink and i cant. So i guess we BOTH will be cheating on each other, and still stay together until one of us finds a better mate. And like my mother always told me, All men are cut with the same scissors..meaning they are ALL cheaters and liars, no matter who they are, or even if they go to church. THEY are ALL the same. After a year or 2 in a relation, they start their shit…

Reply August 2, 2014, 9:11 am


at the age of 39 I believe that. The main reason I do, is because I believed men spend so much time trying to supers their emotions for the one they with, by asking for space that they already have. I can bet every woman in here whose man flirts with many other women, always seem to blow cold suddenly or seem to put them on fixed dates or start claiming they too busy by the 4 month of the relationships or suddenly by then they know all of new women or “friends”with their x again. You tlel them how you feel as nice as u can and they ate stone cold or try to find an exit. And why? Because these are all methods to stay detached from you emotionally so they can easily lead you and avoid being hurt themselves, if u decide to treat them the same. This is so they can depart the relationships with no problem after they are done having all the sex they want from you. I’ve leaned to never belive in a guy the first 3 to 6 months dating him. Never agree to have sex with just him, never make him a priority during that time. Here is my new experience. I dated a guy who claimed he was looking for the one, not trying to sleep around and done chase women. he said this after I told him I was separated after 15 year marrIage. He knew right away I would not date a guy like that. So for the first 2 months we dated and he never once flirted with other women, always gave me a lot of attention, was a total prince charming. Seeing that I’m a very attractive bombshell built woman that attract a lot of guys, he always doted on Mr around guys and while out. I thought this was wonderful, but I would find out the catch.

Eventually I discovered he had two women stashed away. And the space he claimed he needed for business was actually to spend a week with each one.

Also he used me to attract new womem. After the second month he started going to the spots alone, and taking me there only after he was there alone. Suddenly I noticed every woman in the places new him, he’s making me wait long time while chatting it up with them.

Now twice I broke it off for him over this disrespect. Each time he came back claiming he loved me. And every time after asked for sex.

I once tested if he was shopping for women while out with him. I purpose spoke to a woman who I knew was his over all type, I then walked away from her. And left him there to see if he would break his neck to look at her or talk to her like he would normally do. And he didnt, he actually acted aggregated and called my named loudly. and why? Cause I called him out and he knew to talk to her would make it obviouse. I once tracked the time to show him how much he flirts with other women and disses me now. The one day, 3 hours passed with him flirting with other women, sitting across from me like he don’t know me, and even refusing to walk out with me. But yet once outside asked me to sleep with him who I declined. Suddenly we are not exclusive, in love and a couple. Suddenly I’m just a girl he knows.

What I have leaned ladies, is once man flirts with other women, he is already cheating in his mind, and eventually he will cheat. He will do it either by pushes you away for a while so he can sample some women or out right cheat and tell u they are friends. And they would say other wise cause their sluts.

Ladies men flirt cause they know it easier for them. A slutty woman will willing except a flirt from a man, while his woman stand by. A lady will avoid holding a conversation with a man when he is with his woman unless it’s business. A man will usually not flirt with a woman whIle she is with her a man, and men know this and take advantage of having the power in the flirting game. So since I learned this, I no longer have srx before 90 days and I don’t committed or even consider love, until almost a year. This means, no sleeping in same bed and sex. By that time he is showing his true colors.90 days and his true self is coming out. I’m very patient now and why? Because 5 men have used me and lied to me and got me in drama with women from flirting and cheating. I’m currently planning to cutting off my guy from my life, meaning not even be his friend. Ladies do what I’m planning to do, get rid of them guys who break necks to look at other women’s bodies, always talking about other women or chasing them. The guy I’m seeing almost wrecked my car staring at other women’s butts, right in front of me, while we were driving someone home. It was humiliating. Just the other day he pretended to not know me well on a date or walk out with me but tried to get me to hold him in bed. I saw him looking at a woman alot. I believe he was trying to get rid of me, so he hook up with her. It was mother day and he was shopping for a woman on our date. I hope you all find strength to leave the jerks, like me.

Reply May 11, 2015, 10:39 pm

Jessie Ardill

I really need some advice. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. It is long distance and we see each other every three months for about two weeks at a time. Recently I had caught him multiple times flirting and texting a girl he met on Tinder. Each time he said he would stop and that he loved me and wanted our relationship to work. It has been four times now and he is still texting her. I’m not sure if he is still flirting with her but I know he is talking to her, something I asked him not to do and something he agreed he wouldn’t do. Eventually I got to the point where I told him that I can deal with the problems in our relationship, just not the lies. If he is open and honest with me about what he is struggling with or not getting from this relationship I will work to try and understand. On the third time I caught him texting her I was caught between whether to stay and work it out or to respect myself enough to leave. In order to get me to stay he texted her saying that he couldn’t talk to her anymore and that he had a girlfriend this whole time. He said he broke my heart and wants to rebuild our trust. But I caught him texting her after that. Last night I did something bad and I looked through his phone. He was getting texts and I wanted to see who it was. Turns out he is still texting her and not only that but chatting up other girls on Tinder as well. His conversations date as far back as four months.

I don’t know what to do because I want to give him what he wants. He says it’s nice to talk to other girls and it’s nice to have someone other than me to talk to, but I’m not okay with the flirting or the secrets. We are together in person right now and this is still going on so I don’t think this is a case of needing something sexual as he is acting normal with me. Everything is normal and our relationship is great, apart from this issue. I believes that he still wants to be with me and still loves me. I love him too, I just don’t know how to understand what he needs and give it to him without allowing him to cross lines that I am not okay with.

Can you help me?

Reply July 17, 2014, 12:28 pm


I think he is going to do what he wants regardless. He wont comply with your demand or else he will be allowing you to “be the boss” and call the shots. Not only does that feel immasculating as a man, but many women agree that men who defer to women are not attractive to women.

Many men have complied with demands like this over the years only to have their women lose respect and leave them [actual respect: via action, not some verbal B.S. respect]
so we eventually “make the change” and stop complying with women’s demands [ie. not listening] because we lost too many women that way.

Yes. I am aware that this is “felt” as “blame” by me on women for mens’ actions, but that is not my goal.

It is just a valid point for the perspective of women to consider and it does not excuse mens’ lack of responsibility. Plain and simple, women too often feel complain of being bored with compliant men.

That’s not our fault.

I know plenty of wives who have pussywhipped husbands and don’t dump him or cheat on him because she knows what she wants and he complies. For many women, that is “boring” [apparently].

But more constructively, you have basically 2 hard choices:
-stay with him & just ignore his flirting allowing it as long as he doesn’t physically meet up with these women and actually cheat
-leave him. For good.

The 2nd option, losing you, may be the only way he will learn as he will no longer flirt with the other women so confidentally without having you as his “fallback” comfort zone.

He may still not learn (blaming you instead of taking responsibility for his actions)

If you choose option 2, however, you must not allow any 2nd chances. You should move forward. Additionally, any future relationships, you should not allow to get to this point and skip the ultimatums.

Simplicity: If you ain’t gettin what you want, end that shit and offer no explanation. Why? Because people like that have a neverending supply of “reasons” (read: excuses and/or lies) to keep you strung along if you give them explanations. They will only learn via experience and ultimatums are never going to work unless someone physically fears you or they are withheld by a court of law… and personally, I don’t feel physical danger nor courts of law should be involved in love affairs.

Know what you want: Accept nothing less

Agree or disagree, this is my perspective. Take it or leave it.

Reply October 14, 2014, 5:34 pm


My boyfriend of 3 years tells me that I don’t need to know all of his friends. I only know some of his homeboys and like 1 female friend he knows other than his cuz girlfriend. I’ve found out that he’s been texting/calling to other females on his phone but is talking to one particular female. I have a slight trust issue though. Like I trust him but I gotta keep my eye open type of ish. I know it’s wrong but I look through his texts which I need to stop because I think it’s making me paranoid because I’m tryna figure out who his female friends are. I’ve told him that I notice he has been moving funny with his phone lately and questions me why I wanna see his phone when I ask for it. He tells me that I don’t trust him cause of his phone and that I might see something that I don’t like and take it out of context etc..He’s like I’m known for snooping around his phone even though he hasn’t got me yet but he says I don’t trust him over his phone. I told him he can look through my phone cause I have nothing to hide but he’s like he doesn’t want to cause that’s invading my privacy and he doesn’t want to picture anything in his head if he see’s something the wrong way like he doesn’t want to have thoughts in his head. I also told him that I know he’s gonna have female friends but he should be comfortable in talking to them in front of me. Also he doesn’t let whoever female friends he’s talking to know that he has a girlfriend like should I be worried? Sometimes I wanna hit up the girls number and find out what’s going on between them and if they know he has a gf but that’s drama and I don’t like drama. I just feel that if a man has female friends then it should be boundaries. Line should never be cross. I don’t know why its so hard for a man to let a female friend know they have a girlfriend unless there is something more going on but I could be wrong but it would make me comfortable to know they know he is not single. Or maybe I’m just a lil insecure. I’m not the jealous type but I’m a female so I know what goes down when your talking to another woman’s man that you didn’t even know their in a relationship or married. What is the best advice to handle this situation. I’ve already based my concerns and he tells me that there is nothing to worry about. He is not out there looking for “sex” (lies) There isn’t another female that he is interested in (lies) He’s like don’t worry we good. I feel like he wanna have his cake and eat it too which he says he is not (lies) I clearly let him know if that’s what you want, you wanna go have sex with other people or whatever you wanna do then we shouldn’t be together because I’m not gonna be here at home and you out there doing God knows what. But he wants to be together. He had ask for his space but doesn’t want to break up. His space which he tells me is to talk to whomever he wants to talk to without me questioning him male/female and to hang out with his boys (which I allow him to do anyways). I also recently check his phone and I found out her name cause she invite him to Google hangout and that she works in the same business as me but in another location. He also save her under his phone as a dude name. How should I go about to handle this situation? I’m not that worried but a woman just needs to know something

Reply June 19, 2014, 8:53 am


This one for me is complicated alot , i have been with my partner for 5yrs now . I am 23 he is 43 , we get along great as friends and lovers , however , he has always been unable to keep away from other women online , i used to find nudes sent to him all the time in his email . Ok so for 2 years he was good because i said if i saw it again i was gone , but over christmas i had messages from girls like ‘oh you’re his gf , he never mentioned you’ he was speaking extremely sexual with them and it has destroyed me . So naturally i went with my threat and i did leave him , however , now this is where it gets bad . Two weeks after our break up he comes to me very upset saying he has cancer obviously i am feeling bad and i took him back but i just can’t forgive him . Everyone thinks i am a bitch because i am cold to him in his condition , but should i have to be nice and defeated just because he got sick? do i have to suffer also? .

Reply June 15, 2014, 11:52 am


I dont think you’re a bitch.

When you’re 43, you’ll probably be a little more like “f*ck man, this world is f*cked up I just need to enjoy myself” however that is.

Short answer No.

Elaborate answer: because it’s your m’f*ckin life. NEVER seek validation.. validate yourself.

What do you want? THAT is what you need to do. Do you love the dude or not?

As for the online stuff.. I think that is like a playground for adults and it doesnt bother me as much.

I’d rather my partner flirt around on the internet than in real life..

I am not unlike these dudes, and it is hard to dedicate yourself to just one woman and keep your flirtiness with your actual partner… the monogamy is often a boring killer but flirting outside is like “practice” and keeping your skills sharp for your lover.. as long as they don’t ACTUALLY physically cheat, I think it’s Ok.. but thats just me and I dont allow myself to succumb to the temptation like so many.

Don’t know what to tell you on the cancer part. That sucks. Nobody should “guilt you”, but if you do care about him then he is just bein honest…

Either way, you’re young and really need to capitalize on that while you’re in your 20’s and have energy every day unless you were gonna stay with this guy until the end and you’d be taken care of by him still somehow, I think at his age he should be able to understand “you gotta do what you gotta do”

But ultimately, you gotta decide what you want completely and be firm on it regardless..

Reply June 19, 2014, 9:17 am


I love this article, because just now, I found my 3 yr boy friend was chatting and flirting with other girls on his phone and one of then sent him pictures of her private parts.

I am not like model type of girl but I keep working out and maintain a good shape. I dare say my figure is much better than the girls who sent him all the pictures. I am also flirty and oftentimes slutty with him in bedroom. Out of a mistake that I already forgive him, I was pregnant wth him once and he insisted me to have a termination. I love him too much to say no and he has been caring and sweet to me as always.

Thank you very much for the post because I believe he is type of guy with a void inside that wants to fill in with other girls’ attention. The puzzle is that, I sent him all types of porn style pictures all the time, never said no, and was creative every time. Whenever he needs me I was there to talk and make him laugh. He has had ups and downs in his life and I wonder where these girls were. Yet that’s how he repaid me. The puzzle is, as I beg your advice on this point, what more could I do to fill on that void? I know guys like nude pictures, fine, I give him. Better quality. Anytime he wants. Yet he is not satisfied. I don’t know if I should live on with that, or if guys are often searching new nudity in nature.

Of course, since the pictures and chats are ongoing, ( he even took nude picture on my bed and sent it to other girl), my worry is that he will meet those girls one day( he used to tell me he is not interested in meeting any girls he met online, and those girls he met online) and really cheat on me. Should I tolerate his little habit because I still love him and because maybe all guys r pretty much no better, or should I let him go.

Thank you very much.. I really appreciate everyone’s comment.

Reply June 13, 2014, 4:51 am


No. I don’t think that type of behaviour should be tolerated. Its a relationship and he can’t let bitches come between you guys. BTW does this girl knows he has a gf? Anyway talk to him about it.. Let him know exactly how you feel.

Reply December 17, 2014, 5:43 pm


I hope that you just let him walk all over you like a doormat as you were already doing.

Reply May 17, 2017, 6:43 pm


Hi I really need some advice on this ASAP before my mind starts to explode!

I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 yrs now and going and as of yesterday he told me that he wants some space (I am living with him in his mom’s house). I’m 21 and he just turn 29 this year. So before he mention about space everything was fine until he got a phone call to pick up some stuff so I asked him if I can go along for the ride he said no. I asked why I can’t go I just want to go for the ride, like all of a sudden I can’t go on a ride with my own man anymore SMH. If you just gonna to pick up some stuff and come back why can’t I go? It sounds like you have other shit plan that I don’t know of. He’s like because I’m always under him. If I want a ride I can go in my car or another time SMH. Before we used to go out often, He took me along with him sometimes when he meets his peoples. He mention that he stop letting me go out with him places long time because he feels I’m all up on him. If I was all up on him I would be around him with 24/7 not giving him any breathing space and I’m not all up in his crack cause I let him do shit. I told him that I don’t understand how I’m always under you cause we never go out like that. He rarely takes me anywhere. If we go out its like to the movies, at a club if there is a party to go, or if his cousin and his gf want to do something together other than that he always checking some homeboy and I know homeboy/s have females around them. I let him go out with his homeboys I have no problem with that all I ask from him is to let me know who he is going out with and where he is going. Because before he told me he wanted his “freedom” and I’m like freedom to do what? He just told me freedom to hang out with his boys them which I told him I let you do that anyways but I think it’s more to it. I do question him though so maybe he is tired of me from asking him alot of questions because he says that I want to always be in his business. I don’t need to know all of his friends and what not. I also recently find out that he is talking to some new people “females” to be exact. Because yes I’m someone who checks her mans phone which I know I’m not suppose to do. He also telling me that I’m always depending on him I’m like what the hell I’m always depending on you for? He’s like my car and I’m like I don’t know anything about cars because my car looks like it needs an oil change and alignment SMH I think he full of shit. He tells me that I need to find some friends and go out. I ask him how long he wants his space and he says until he doesn’t want anymore space cause I’m trying to figure out how long is it going to take. We live in the same house with his mom’s! UGH! I also found some condoms in the back of his car from moving it before I head out. I told him that I’m going to respect your decision and give you your space. I ask him about the condoms which he told me his cousin friend give it to him and I’m like who friend which he told me I never met them. So I ask is it a man or a female he said female. I’m like why is a female giving you condoms which he tells me I know how people is and blah blah blah. I questioned him about his space cause I wanted to know what his intentions are. I ask him is he want space to go out and have sex with females because I just found some condoms in your car so whats up with that. He’s like no nothing to do with that he just want to clear his mind. I asked if I can throw away the condoms and he said yea. I’ve asked him 2 times if he want to be single sometime last year and sometime this year he said no. All I ask him is to tell me the truth and just be honest don’t lie to me cause he lie for the simplest of shit. He ask for his space imma give him that idk how to operate because we both live in the same house and I don’t have any other place to go I’m working on getting my own place. Idk I’m going to stop questioning him all the time cause I guess he feels some type of way about me asking him questions. I just ask because I care and I do love him. I don’t expect for him to go out and cheat on me if that’s the case let me know what’s up cause I’m just not gonna sit around and you want to have your cake and eat it too SMH. I just need some advice on this so I can have a clear head about everything.

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:02 am


And also he went out last night yesterday to pick up stuff (weed) which he told me that he would be back. It’s 8 something in the morning and his ass is not home yet?! I’ve called both his phones no answer. I left him a text on both his phones saying that “I notice that you didn’t get home yet you never be out this late so I’m just worried and hope your ok or if he is on his way” I also text him that I’m not trying to bother him cause prior from him telling me he want space but I told him this is ridiculous cause he tell me he going out to do one thing and I hope he is not doing something that he shouldn’t be doing I love him and bye. I just think it’s highly disrespectful. He knows I don’t like that shit. All he gotta do is text me to let me know he is ok so I don’t worry myself. I think imma have another conversation on what he really wants and if he wants to be in a relationship cause I don’t get it. You tell me you want space you go out and you aint home yet no uh! Something is up and I’ll be dam to be a fool I just need to get my shits together and move the hell out

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:31 am



I read everything you said.

Sounds frustrating.

Bottomline is, any relationship can deteriorate… when both partners aren’t in it to win it.

I prefer to skip focus on blamegames and go right for the constructive.

The $ million question?

What do you want?

Are you getting that?

I think the dude is lucky to have a woman like you.. I always think dudes are lucky to have a woman that actually wants to be with him and it blows my mind every time… however, I don’t want to speculate on what else some random dude I don’t know is doing when you’re not around, I think you have to really decide if what you currently have is really what you want..

Because women have a lot of options of men to date, we all do really.

Some dudes do things to frustrate their woman intentionally to show her his dominance.. some dudes have this “im a balla I should have all the women in the world” complex and some are just straight up liars and are never gonna commit to nothing nor be honest.. thats why they say you cant change people

I have learned a bit about how my words can sometimes be misconstrued as blameful, I am not saying shit is your fault
This is a case simply of, are you getting what you want and also, it seems you are more “invested” in this relationship.

If you start a new one, look to keep a balance of investment
Look to screen new partners up front, before you commit more and more..

Itll be ok, you’re only 21, a LOT of shit has happened in my life since 21, you’ll find your strength

I do feel you should find a few solid woman friends

Realistically, you should probably just drop this dude.. but you can try “letting him come to you”, however, it is unfortunate I feel, that a lot of relationship behaviors have to be established at the get go

You are not wrong though, you are just too far invested versus him… I have to go but I hope my words or someone elses here are helpful in some way

Reply June 9, 2014, 8:47 am


Thank you I will take this into consideration and do some deep thinking since he old me about his space I’m just gonna do my own thing and go out more with some friends of mines I also decided to switch my hours to night because like I stated before we live in the same house and I’m working on getting my own place hopefully by the end of the year. He finally came home round mins to 9 I haven’t spoken with him not am I going to ask him anything. He tried to talk to me saying Babes! But I’m not haven’t that . His cousin of his text me that they went out last night I’m like ok that’s kool I’m just gonna focus on myself and just do what I got to do to get out of this situation. Cause your right even though he is 29 I would expect to get his shit together because he turning 30 next year . I’ll give him his time of need imma just try to stay away from him from time to time maybe I’ll just plan to go in a cruise or something I need a breather lol but Thank you for advice I’ve been shedding tears because it hurts you know but I know you gotta let people go but in this case we live together so imma just have to make some changes.

Reply June 9, 2014, 3:08 pm


And p.s. He comes home every night no numbers in his phone..none of that.he treats me nice..but he’s addicted to porn and pics of famous women .He’s moved out ten different times..I just feel like he think he can do better. He won’t marry me…but claims he’s in love with me…I just need to figure out what’s in this guy’s head… he stringing me along…..every year he seems to mature but it’s always something. …today he said at work “me him and another chick (coworker) should go out to eat..I’m like wtf….why say crap you know angers me..he’s always playing around with all the women at work teasing them commenting makin me look like a damn fool…I’m at my Witts end

Reply May 31, 2014, 8:44 pm


Dilemma…my boyfriend of six years started working at my job and I specifically asked him to steer clear of chicks there so there would be drama.well since him working there he’s gotten one chicks phone number (while we was broken up) and he brought another chick he liked some clothes and shoes (while we were together)…now I’m not innocent I flirt sometimes too much and go to far (no sex) but my boyfriend is so thirsty when it comes to other women always seeking approval and acceptance..he’s albino and not attractive. So I deal with it because I love him..but he keeps over stepping his boundaries and I get sad and fustrated.he told me “that’s just how he is.a friendly person etc etc etc etc” what should I do???????????

Reply May 31, 2014, 8:38 pm

Claire Bosworth

Hi, basically it would be really great to get a mans opinion on my relationship please. I have been on and off in a relationship for over a year. At first things were great and I was happy, he is a very dominate man. Anyway after a month of first being in a relationship he freely gave me his FB password, I was a little surprised and I never asked for it. After a week I thought heck I’d look into it and founds hundreds of conversations with other women in a very sexual nature even after we were in a relationship and I got angry and broke up with him. After a week I talked to the people around me and they said he obviously wanted to show me for a reason and I agreed and got back with him. He said he stopped and I believed him and began to trust him again, unfortunately I discovered he had not stopped at all and had been lying to me but I was prepared to just accept it as him being him. Then he got very close with a girl who lived in the same town as him and was Skyping her on cam and phoning her etc. I made the mistake of spying on his facebook so I was reading everything as he was writing it all. It all got too much for me and I broke up with him, however he would not stop bombarding my phone with calls and texts saying he loves me. I did get back with him and he stopped talking to her. I realise this may seem petty right now. Any who he continued with other women online regularly and it did eat at my insecurities but I was doing my best to strengthen myself to not let it bother me. As time went on the arguments increased, one time he insisted I message my old best friend(a girl) if she fancied him and I got really cross and said no. He asked me several times to message her asking if she liked him and it made me feel low, I got very angry and hung the phone up on him in the end. He rang me phone tons of times and I got my best friends boyfriend to answer the phone to him telling him I don’t want to talk to him and my boyfriend started telling him I have erratic mood swings and telling him about me being abused in my childhood, my friends had no idea. Anyway he said he was asking me to ask her, so that if she did he could show me he only wanted me not anyone else.

I was very angry at him after that and didn’t talk to him, I eventually answered the phone after a few days and he told me he found my childhood interesting and that I deserved it. Later on he admitted to saying things like that to get me out of my mood swing.

I have had some issues a lot of times where I try and leave the room when I feel angered or upset by him and he won’t let me leave, he will stand in the door way, pull me forcefully back, lie on top of me for as long as it takes me to promise I will not leave the room to get away from him.

He said it’s cos he’s scared to lose me. I have a son, who is very young but not a baby and he has been a great guy around him and taught him well. My baby’s father was an abusive relationship, so his biological father doesn’t get to see him due to social services. My son thinks my boyfriend is his father but we had a bad incident in February where we had a row and he wouldn’t let me leave the room and forced me down and I was suffocating, he got off of me quickly and apologised, he was in a very strange mood he wasn’t kind to my son (didn’t physically hurt him) but my boyfriend said things like ‘I am going to tell your son about his dad” “I am going to message the child’s father and give him your home address” then he pulled off my trousers and tried to forcibly unwantedly touch me down there, I had to kick him in the face 3 times to get him off of me, he rang his own mother for me to talk to for help, his mum was shocked and helped me. Anyway we broke up and everyday day he would ring my phone at least twice a day, sometimes roughly 40 times a day and after 2 months he continued and never answered until he started sending me emails, I did reply, probably very silly of me I know. But he wants to change and make things better, he has just begun counselling and is going to go on anger management courses and depression courses. I have seen him a few times since and it has been pretty good minus a few minor blips.

He is very caring, kind, helpful, makes me laugh and he is very generous most of the time, we seem to fit really well together and have so much in common. Makes me feel very happy when things are going rather well. Sometimes I feel lucky to have him in lots of ways. He pushes me to do well, pushes me to study my theory for driving and encourages me to do well. He has suggested couples therapy to help deal with our issues. I myself have had a whole year of counselling and that finished, so I don’t massively need it anymore, I am a lot stronger.

He is also an alcoholic but has quit alcohol for nearly 3 weeks now and he also has a gambling addiction.

So my main question, do you think he can really change the abusive behaviour or is it all for show?

Do you think he is unfaithful?

And do you think I am just too sensitive and need to look at things in a different perspective?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated, thank you :)

Reply May 22, 2014, 6:48 pm


wait, so he pins you down and tries to suffocate you and rape you, but hes kind and caring? He obviously needs help, but so do you. Get away from this man before he kills you in a crimeof passion.

Reply October 14, 2014, 4:50 pm


This sounds very serious. That’s not to insinuate anyone else’s situation here isn’t serious, it’s just to say I would recommend professional assistance where available. There is no real shame in asking for help.

As for your questions

So my main question, do you think he can really change the abusive behaviour or is it all for show?

I think he can, but he has to choose to. Based on what I read, past history does not sound like he has been ready to do so. Personally I feel you should have ended it on the first breakup, and that is not intended to blame you for any of this, that’s not the case, I just want to highlight that moving forward in future relationships, something that is “breakup worthy” is usually crossing your boundaries and that is where you should learn from this on your end (the only part within your control) to recognize in the future to end things at that point having a zero tolerance for this. Some people will push and push and push to see what they can get away with and you shouldn’t have to spend your life micromanaging another adult when there are almost infinite options in partners out there to choose from. Personally, I feel this relationship should have ended a long time ago and that does not mean you don’t care about each other it just means that this relationship doesn’t work for you both. I respect that he drives you to achieve and that is great however, ultimately you will need to do that yourself as will he need to make those changes in his life, for himself. Sometimes when past events outweigh everything, going separate ways is an opportunity for a new beginning for both parties, a clean slate with a new partner that does not have a troubled past.. it is a good, positive thing for both and in some ways, by finding new lives and partners away from an unfortunate relationship can actually be something you both do that is actually good for one another and therefor, indirectly caring for one another by proactively giving each other a fresh start.

Do you think he is unfaithful?

If you go to new relationships, this is not a constructive question. Knowing that only clouds the scenario further. Based on the story above I don’t feel so, but it’s impossible to know and he may just have an appetite for women that he does not have under control. I just wish more people who feel the need to explore the dating world would remain single while they shop around because it is more honest with less consequences. Easier said than done.

And do you think I am just too sensitive and need to look at things in a different perspective?

I think it is always good to attempt to see other peoples’ perspective, when you have time to, however, you have needs, food, water, sleep, exercise, shelter, transportation, income as does your son and those you need to prioritize over dating.

Know what you want and accept nothing less. Most people know how it feels to want a relationship to work and care about someone and not wanting to lose that but you should trust your gut, your heart and your mind all three and a new start may be in order.

I also highly recommend to people getting out of relationships to spend up to 6 months single when possible to develop or redevelop a sense of independence before dating again.

Ultimately you should attempt to train yourself to
know what you want
and then it becomes easier to ignore and reject those things that are counterproductive to your goals.

This is my personal perspective and I hope even if there are people who disagree that it is either helpful in some way or you find your path in this great world we have.

Reply October 14, 2014, 8:49 pm


Did you take any drugs before writing this?

Reply May 17, 2017, 6:58 pm


Hi I’ve been married 4 almst 4 years I’ve read my husband sexual chats with other woman he doesn’t meet up with them but he speaks bad about me wit these woman I’ve tried giving into him 4 every thing he does we have 2 kids and yest he puts his sex chats with other woman 1st before he even takes note of the kids he can never look after the kids 4 even a minute he is even on many sexual site I don’t know what to do anymore but wen ever I see his on these sites I would get so upset with him nd can’t help to confront him it’s really sickening coz y would he want to be with me nd stil fantasize about other women

Reply May 9, 2014, 12:18 pm



I understand you are upset about this situation. I try to offer advice. Attempt to take most of what I say literally here and not to read into it too much.

I try to steer women to look at actions over words because many women get jealous over us men communicating with other women but I personally feel as long as we CHOOSE not to act upon it, it is ok. More often I see the complaints about the communication but I feel this one hits close to home from a relationship I had many years ago and partners ago.

It is more complicated even because you have children.

Also, I know nothing here about his past, nor do I want to explore either of your pasts.

The best I can tell you is, to decide what you want and what is most important. It is not uncommon for attraction to fade amongst partners.

So, what are your choices?

Leave him? Maybe, but first:

I don’t have kids, but feel if I did I would put them first. My parents always did though, so that varies. I’ve helped a gf or 2 raise a few kids. It is a major challenge, no doubt. Essentially, I would advise you to consider what is the best for your children. Does he provide for them an opportunity for a better future? If so, consider some options.

First, you need confidence. Obviously, something like this is a total confidence blow. I met a woman with 3 kids last night who is getting a divorce from a 13 year marriage she said was with the only man shed ever been with and he was cheating with 4 women.

I’ve seen and heard a lot.

What I would recommend is to find 2 or 3, strong confident women friends. You don’t have to make immediate changes like divorce or separation. Just attempt to emotionally detach a bit and find any way possible to get some space. Going to the gym is huge if possible or some sort of regulat exercise.

If you want to actually work things out with this guy, you’ll need to find a way to draw his interest back and find the chemistry you once had. Time apart to reflect helps. Focusing on yourself helps. Building your confidence and your body helps. If you must, use some jealousy to wake his arse up.

If you feel you’re not going to want to work things out, all of those advices still would be a good plan. Find a few solid strong personality women friends. Exercise. Build confidence. Look to separate emotionally.

Nothing like this is easy.

Also, as a man, and also as an experienced dater as well as a casual observer, one of the things we do to show our dominance is to not allow women to boss us around. I’ll be roasted by many women for this comment, as it is often perceived as “blaming women” but, many women won’t date and sleep with men who are “doormats” and “pushovers” to use their own words. How do you not be those? Disobey women’s complaints, orders and ultimatums. Essentially, not “listen” to women and “ignore” her ideas.

So, for him to stop the stuff you don’t want him to do is to defer to a woman. My goal is to debunk the negative side that it is to blame a woman but to instead attempt to empower women that they should not reward this behavior.

Easier said than done. However, complaints are common and this is what so many men refer to as “nagging”. Also us men, our friends roast us for listening to women. “Oh you’re not allowed to watch porn cuz your wife runs the show”.. that’s the clean version.. but maybe you get the idea.

The bottomline is, nothing matters… except:
What do you want?

Decide what you want?
Tell him what you want and if he doesn’t give it to you then you have very hard decisions to make.

However, the best policy is to reward positive behavior and NOT crack down, but ignore the crappy behavior.

Don’t even look on your computer to see what he is doing and saying.

Give him the steering wheel to your relationships future.. LET him steer the fate. Decide that if he doesn’t make the steps towards being a real leader in your family, you will not reward him with a silver platter.

A few constructive ideas.

Only cook him food if he sits down with you and your children for dinner. Otherwise, just cook for them and eat on your own. I’d skip the computer to sit down to a grand meal.

I don’t have all the answers and nobody is always right. However, this thing is one sided and you need to tip the scales a bit in your favor.

Also, you will need to consider and prepare yourself mentally, for your children, if the final result will be that you will leave him.

Don’t rush but you must respect yourself and don’t get caught up in arguments. Learn to walk away and get space to yourself.

Reply May 9, 2014, 8:07 pm


Just because you CHOOSE not to act upon it does not make it okay.

Reply January 15, 2015, 8:46 pm


My boyfriend is one year younger than me, we have been datin for 3 months buts it feels longer. we have broken up atlest 4 times. last night he got on his fb on my phone to check his “inbox” .. he was talking to his “best friend ” who is a girl. he didnt know that my phone was about to die and he didnt log out on time. this morning i found my charger and i went to facebook and i was stilll loged on to his. i go tru his inbox and i start going tru their messeges from 2 weeks ago. he told her he liked her even befor me and she liked him too. he was askin her if they could ever have a chance as a couple and she said maybe. he told her he would have picked her over me if he knew b4 we started datein ….
this mad me so sad i cried.
i dont feel like i can trust him anymore :(

Reply March 3, 2014, 9:08 am


Leave him, it will hurt more if you wait for him to do it to you.

Reply April 9, 2015, 12:06 pm


This was very helpful. Thanks

Reply February 19, 2014, 12:28 am


Thanks for this post! It’s very insightful and useful. The comments here also provide valuable, inspiring advice.

Reply February 8, 2014, 10:47 pm


I agree that It may be your own insecurities that are making you feel like it’s YOUR fault he flirts with other women and I agree that you should try to understand him more. HOWEVER, I DISAGREE in that you I don’t think you should just accept it and move on. If you don’t like it, talk to him about it and ask him to RESPECT you because it’s about RESPECT and respecting your partner, i.e. just because he wants attention from women doesn’t make it okay to have those conversations. BTW isn’t it just HIS OWN INSECURITIES in the first place that make him seek flirtatious conversations with women in the first place as a form of self-validation or ego-boost? And isn’t this sort of need, the need to boost your own ego, what causes a LOT of men to cheat in the first place? Some men cheat because they need self-validation or an ego-boost from women, do you want his pride to take him THAT far? Or are you willing to talk to him about it and walk away (like the author said) if he doesn’t respect you. You better leave him ALONE for a week or two and see if he comes back if he disagrees to respect you.

Peace xoxo

Reply October 23, 2013, 2:37 pm


I actually like this answer better than the author’s. He’s almost excusing this behavior. It should be about respect.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:50 pm


I discovered few days ago that my boyfriend has been flirting with a woman online. He was so quick to hand out his mobile numbers and they had a major flirting session. I confronted him and he basically told me im a drama queen and he cant have such drama in his life. He really made me out to be this paranoid insecure woman. So now ive told him since he has set the standard for our relationship, i will also be calling men by pet names and handing out my numbers. But honestly, who wants that kind of relationship? Ive never been the kind of girlfriend to just flirt around and hand out my number. But I just feel he needs to see what kind of impact such behavior has on a partner.

Note: we are in a long distance relationship.

Reply October 18, 2013, 8:53 am


i like ur comments.

Reply June 6, 2014, 8:42 am


When a man sits there and ask a barmaid about her sex life and what she does in th e bedroom is that flirting? , or is his way of feeling desired , accepted and fulfilled even though nothing happens between them . I ask this because after 20 years of marriage to a man who was verbally and mentally abusive I am new to the dating scene . Even though I had dated this man 32 years ago I feel a little uneasy . Wasnt sure what he was doing or trying to prove or if he just wanted my reaction .

Reply September 27, 2013, 6:48 pm


I’d say it is flirting. It is an indirect way of expressing sexual interest.

Many women are aren’t extremely accepting of our direct ways and feel more comfortable having sexual conversations than just “Hey girl, lemme hit that” Many women also have heard direct sexual propositions so many times that they may find it more interesting to see different approaches.

Depending on the dude it may also be beating around the bush unless he is screening for your tastes in the bedroom. For example, if I love oral sex and ask you if you like it and you said, “eww gross, I hate it”, then I would be pursuing a woman that doesn’t like to perform an act I desire.

I think more experienced daters learn their tastes and screen more for what they want and are less “awed” by the potential mate. When you’ve dated a bunch, you have experienced variety and if you’re looking for a person you’re interested in buy also want good sex, you learn to screen for stuff.

The most crucial element is “know what you want”, have some items that are absolute NOs, boundaries, and be willing to accept some differences to get the things you DO want but respect yourself by rejecting anyone that falls into the NO category, then stick to your guns.

Just know that nobody is perfect, so keep your lists limited to a handful of “I really want these” & “These behaviors are an automatic NO Thanks”

In regards to your previous marriage, accept it as the past and any related feelings as “baggage” or wounds as they say but do your best to not judge your new partner on your past partners’ issues.

Easier said than done, I know, but try to recognize your new partners as a fresh start and a chance to have fun. I especially recommend trying someone very different from yourself and your ex.

People often look for commonalities, but dating yourself would possibly be boring, but someone very different can be very interesting and fun… exciting even.

Just don’t forget to respect yourself by not allowing someone to treat you in a manner you feel is inappropriate and don’t rush into exclusivity until you’ve had a chance to feel someone out a bit.

When Ive been single, I am single. Therefore, I will be dating and meeting many women and I expect nothing less of women. Unless we agree to be exclusive & comitted (to each other, not an institution.. just a joke)

In review:
-Know what you want; qualify based on this criteria
-Set some boundaries; Major NoNos, reject those who do not respect your boundaries
-Accept your past as best you can so you can do your best to give new partners a fair chance
-Have fun, flirting should be fun. Talk a little smack, look for chemistry with a guy that you feel meets your wants and respects your boundaries

Reply April 16, 2014, 9:33 pm


Wow…having read these comments.,i. Feel less. Alone. Typing this on my phone and its going crazy. Ugh.

I’ve been wanting to leave my boyfriend for over a year. He’s younger than me and was diagnosed with MS not long after we started living together. Sinosed its become a crutch at times. Now, that’s not the reason I want to leave.

He…has lied about things in his past. Everyone has a past and they are entitled to it. However, when you lie about it and it comes to haunt should d

He slept with his friends wife when he lived with them. Lied to me about it….and said they were all friends…except he. Had told me that she would get jealous of he dated someone or brought someone home…a friend would not get jealous over that. Red flag there, right?

So one day…he stupidly leaves pics open on his computer…I walk into the room…and see them. I’m standing right behind him…he had a ton of pics of the marrfriend and what I guessed are ex’s of his. So he’s got a spank bank, fine. But…learning he lied about the married friend…well that got me
thinking what else has he lied about…

We had a huge fight about that. Wasn’t even bothered he had the pics. Was more bothered he couldn’t tell me the truth about the past. Because I’d never want to hang out with this chick, nor would I trust him to be alone with her…considered he slept with her in the same.home….where her husband is…

So…times goes by. I. Don’t forget this info…

He has few friends…joins facebook, adds a lot of old high friends…lots of girls…

He starts school and makes a new friend .yes….a girl. He starts lying about her…giving her rides to and from school.

Side note…he has MS…and doesn’t take care of himself…showering, brushing hos teeth. It’s gross. But, if he’s giving her a ride…wow he has energy to shower…but won’t when he’s going to be around anyone else.

Constantly texting her and talking through facebook.

So. I’m kind of tired it. the lies….won’t look me in the face when talking about her. And I flat out asked him, do you like her, want to be with her? Tell me, ill leave , no hard feelings.

He keeps saying, she’s too young for him. However…if he’s not into her…why the constant need to keep communication. With hermk

I don’t trust him. I feel like he’s using me and his family right now because he can’t work and he’s in school.

Reply September 17, 2013, 1:45 pm


You sound frustrated.
Many can identify with similar experiences.

My main questions would be:
Are you IN love with him and if so, enough to move past the lying. Based on what you wrote, I dont feel so.

Also, most importantly, are you getting what you want?
It’s a simple question with a potential for overcomplication. Don’t itemize the relationship on this question. STEP BACK. BREATHE. Then just ask yourself if you feel, overall, this is what you want?

I don’t like telling people to always give up on relationships, but all things aside, are you in love, do you feel loved and are you getting what you want?

If no, rip the bandage off and get single long enough to reflect and heal and find yourself.
Then, decide what you want and dont and screen, up front, dudes for what you feel you want.

Take your time and do not rush into something just because you feel lonely. Choose to view “feeling sorry” for yourself as negative and taking action FOR yourself as positive.

You may just find that you are stronger than you may or may not feel you are already. Get out of your “comfort zone”

It might also be better for other parties too.
Ive been angry before at women who rejected me but in many cases Im better off and stronger because of it.

There aren’t always right and wrong answers but what you feel is best for you.

Regardless of what “friends” and family think… try to ignore any negative feedback, kill them with kindness and go get what you want.

Reply April 16, 2014, 9:48 pm


Yes, taking a boyfriend’s flirting and cheating personally is wrong. Confronting him about it and asking, how come such a great girlfriend as i am is not enough for him, is useless.
But the fact that he doesn’t understand himself and can’t even begin to deal with the emotions that drive him to behave like this, makes my understanding him pretty useless as well. I know, what a scared and insecure boy is behind all this womanizer mask. So what?? I could never talk to him about it, because it would scare him even more and make things worse. Plus, it’s poisoning the relationship by making him so weak in my eyes. So how can i benefit from these insights?

Reply August 13, 2013, 7:19 pm


Well men are all cheaters by nature, nature designed them to want to stick their manhood in anything that walks including fat, skinny, other men and yes animals. The The truth is men are whore by nature. They were genetically designed this way so that they could procreate and make babies. Its called NATURE. Animals are this way to, so in a sense men are more like animals than women. To men sex is simply a physical act. It’s not special or emotionally significant its simply about getting rid of the urge and busting a nut. A man could sleep with a countless number of women and care about none of them, he just uses their bodies. All they care about is getting laid, and busting a nut. It don’t matter how beautiful a girl is or how great she is in bed a man will never truly be satisfied by one woman no matter how great she meets his needs. Why because men enjoy sleeping around it makes them feel like men. Not all men cheat there is a small number that don’t that have some have self control and respect for their woman but all of them fantasize about sleeping around and would do it if they knew they could get away with it. There is nothing wrong with men being this way because it is their nature. What upsets me is when men make false promises and pretend like they really care about you, love and act like they are committed to you. This is quite annoying because women get disappointed when they find out the men were lying and were just using those lies to get laid. Women often have trouble with men because they are designed to be nurturing and caring which is the opposite traits of the common man. Women want men to more like them and try to change a man but this is a mistake because a leopard don’t change its spots and men don’t like it when women try to change them. Most women (porn stars excluded lol) view sex as a beautiful act, as a bonding of two people, as a way to show their love for a man. So, they are really disappointed when they find out that the man they choose to be with only used them to bust a nut. It is really sad. My advice, if your a woman don’t trust any man because they incapable of any emotional feelings and never truly happy with one woman. Stay single ladies, if your in a relationship don’t let yourself develop feelings for the man. Just use men as toys, or let men buy you things, thats all they are good for. My advice to men, don’t lie to women and act like you love them, just honest tell them that your a man whore and just want to have meaningless sex only and not form a relationship.

Reply August 11, 2013, 10:31 pm


How come the recurring theme in your posts is YOU (the woman) is doing something wrong.. he’s just being a guy.
‘My boyfriend flirts with every other woman and I think I’ve done everything in my power to give him what he wants?’
Your response: “You’re the one with the problem even though he’s disrespecting you. You must better understand and accept that he flirts with everyone.”

What kind of BS advice is that? How come you never sham the guy for his wrong behavior and just blame the woman? No guy or girl likes their partner flirting with others. How come you never advise the girl to stand up for herself or to take control of the situation? Oh wait because if she does she’s ‘starting drama and no guy likes that’? If she asks where the relationship is going after 2 months of dating she’s ‘needy and pushing the guy to make a decision’. Absolute hog wash.

Some of the advice given on the site is spot on (that being said, thanks).. some of it is absolutely ridiculous.

Reply July 18, 2013, 7:20 pm


“Rema July 18, 2013 at 7:20 pm

How come the recurring theme in your posts is YOU (the woman) is doing something wrong.. he’s just being a guy.
‘My boyfriend flirts with every other woman and I think I’ve done everything in my power to give him what he wants?’
Your response: “You’re the one with the problem even though he’s disrespecting you. You must better understand and accept that he flirts with everyone.””

Hi Rema,

I don’t know specifically which advices you are targeting with your post but I wanted to offer some perspective on that. I saw your post before but I just returned from two awesome weeks in Italy with my amazing girlfriend (now fiancee!) and since I had limited WIFI there, I figured it could wait.

Anyway. If you specifically are pulling this from my advices, while I don’t like invalidating others’ ideas, I do feel there may be a disconnect between the message I am intending to send to the women I have responded to and your above statements. My goal is communicate to the women particularly, that it is NOT about “blame”. A submeaning, and something many “read into” is that by focusing on “her” that I’m “blaming” her. NOT my goal. My goal is to push these women to understand that it’s not about the past or present or what they are doing “right” or “wrong”. It is that life is about choices. That these women need to either accept that these men are not “changeable” and if they want to stay with him, then she’ll need to accept that he’s a cheater, he’s dishonest, that he’s a flirt, he doesn’t care about her, etc., and that she doesn’t have to choose to give him everything he wants nor accept that he’s disrespecting her. It’s to completely take her off the negative aspects of a perhaps less than desirable boyfriend that isn’t in the relationship with her and to try to get her to recognize that if she wants a higher quality man in her life, she needs to look for him. Same advice I give men who date women who don’t meet their standards,values, etc. These women aren’t coming here for “analysis” they are coming here for “advice” and help. They want solutions. They are looking for answers. They are looking to decide what to do next in their lives moving forward, etc. Men AND women often want to please their partners which is fine when you have a partner that reciprocates, but if their partners are NOT reciprocating nor respecting them then I’m trying to get the message to them that, in this world, and this society, in the time we live in, especially with unparalleled equality for women compared to the entire history of our species, women in the dating world have choice. They have options. They have power. Many do not recognize it yet.

“What kind of BS advice is that? How come you never sham the guy for his wrong behavior and just blame the woman? No guy or girl likes their partner flirting with others. How come you never advise the girl to stand up for herself or to take control of the situation? Oh wait because if she does she’s ‘starting drama and no guy likes that’? If she asks where the relationship is going after 2 months of dating she’s ‘needy and pushing the guy to make a decision’. Absolute hog wash.”

Because, what does “shamming the guy” accomplish for these women? Nothing. Absolutely ZERO. Do I agree with you that their behavior is “wrong”? Depends. I don’t feel jealousy is “wrong”. I feel it is a “human” natural emotion and not to be denied. If it is abused then it’s not good. However, I personally don’t have an issue with a little “light” flirting to introduce some jealousy in the relationships and keep them interesting. Where the line is crossed (for ME) is when it moves from talk to actions. Much like a man going to a strip club, but NOT kissing touching or sleeping with the strippers, and instead returning home to his woman, turbocharged and ready to give her good loving, or a group of women going to watch “Magic Mike” and having some drinks in the club, but then going home to their loving spouse, I feel that it’s not harmful for men and women to talk and flirt with men and women, as long as they are faithful. However, not everyone agrees with me on that one. This varies from post to post because women on her post very specific and intimate details that vary and “generalizing” all advices and grouping them together as one simple advice “theme” just doesn’t work.
You mention advising them to “stand up for herself” or “take control of the situation”. Well, if you read the individual entries, as I do prior to responding, 3 separate times on 3 separate days to reduce potential for my personal life to interfere and be able to fully concentrate on tailoring a specific response to each woman that I feel might be useful for her, then you’d see that many of these women have already taken stands and in many of their cases, the only option left for them to “take control” of the situation is to leave the guy and move on. Many aren’t ready to do that because they don’t have the confidence. So, bashing the dude doesn’t give them confidence, it’s “negative” and not helpful. Focusing on her, her options, her feelings, and looking to help her recognize that she must take control of HER OWN life to live the life she wants to and if he isn’t a catalyst to her achieving what she wants out of life then she is investing time and emotion in a man who isn’t getting her message. In many cases, their choice should be to get space and in some of the cases to move on and look for men that fit better.

Men face similar challenges, because we have women that we find attractive but do not share our core values and goals and we have to also learn (unfortunately often through trial and error of poor and failed relationships) that not every person we are are attracted to physically is a good match for us. Much of these behaviors can be screened out prior to investing into longer term relationships but many do not do that up front. In this world and this time, respect from others comes from respecting ourselves and part of that is recognizing that people will often treat us the way we *allow* them to. Yes, I can see how that feels like blame, but it’s often not. It’s about accepting and rejecting behaviors from partners. It’s about learning about ourselves and what we are and are not OK with and then sticking to those and rejecting people who do not respect those boundaries.

If you still disagree, that’s OK. We all have different perspectives, experiences and are at different points in our lives so many will have experiences that others have not yet or never will experience.

“Some of the advice given on the site is spot on (that being said, thanks)..”

Hopefully you mean mine, but if you don’t… I honestly don’t give a shit

“some of it is absolutely ridiculous.”

Hopefully you mean mine because I like challenges… just kidding, honestly, I still don’t give a shit. I’ve just dated a lot and look to share my own perspectives.

Reply August 1, 2013, 8:25 pm

Eric Charles

Rema – there’s a running theme in your comments… you don’t like it when I say that something falls on the woman’s shoulders.

I’ll elaborate a bit here, but I wrote an article too that I think will clear things up.

I coach guys also and you’d be amazed… when I tell guys that they need to do certain things or take responsibility for certain things, some of the guys fight me and say, “What? You make it sound like guys have to do all the work and the woman doesn’t have to do anything! This is BS!!”

The fact is: you cannot control anyone but yourself. That is why I talk about what the woman can do to improve her situation… blaming the man for not doing something doesn’t accomplish anything.

Now yes, of course, in a relationship it’s expected that the guy needs to show up and put in effort. But **I** wasn’t the one who chose that guy (that guy who’s not putting in the effort)… she chose him… she’s the one who wants to make it work and at the moment, it isn’t… so in lieu of giving inane, sloppy dating advice like “he’s not that into you” or “leave him!”, I talk about what she could to proactively improve the situation…

Of course, if you really want to see why I write why she needs to take action is in this article here, entitle: “Ask a Guy: Why Is it Always The Girl’s Fault?”


Reply October 12, 2013, 1:34 pm


I couldn’t agree more. This last advise is absolutely ludicrous. Women always have to play the fixer upper or we lose.

Reply April 16, 2014, 2:52 pm


Dear Eric,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for little over a year and so far things have been okay. We have had our fights, but what relationship hasn’t. Lately though i have contemplating about leaving him because of his flirtacious nature with other girls. I have found facebook messages and texts of him giving his phone number away as soon as he is even introduced to a girl. And there has been other times where his “flirting” has bothered me, but recently there was an incident that makes me think that he is a cheater. Now i am already an insecure sometimes needy girlfriend and i have been trying to change for myself because i hate being naurotic. Well the incident happened about 2 weeks ago, he was hanging out with his friends, one who is a known cheater of his girlfriend, and his was this guy his girlfriend and another old friend, they all know eachother from highschool. Well i didnt say too much when he told me he was hanging out with her but a couple days later i found texts from her to him that read “I’m sorry, you were turning me on so much, I just have a boyfriend blah blah blah” My boyfriend sent back “its okay boo, just call me when you don’t have a boy” and then she started to stammer in her texts and was like ” oh nvm ill just shut up” and my boyfriend wrote” no no its okay the feeling is mutual” and now as far as i know they havn’t talked since. Well i confronted him and he didnt really get upset he just say he doesn’t know why any of that was said and that it was probably just to make you not feel bad, and then further explained when i questioned him that he doesn’t know why she was turned on by him, he really didn’t ask, and that he barely even looked at her blah blah, and i asked him about the “feeling is mutual” part and he said that he took it as the feeling is mutual that neither of us were offended for w.e reason and the whole “call me when you dont have a boy” was just so that she would feel comfortable talking to him without feeling guilty about her feelings for him. Now this all sounded good reasonable, but still i have my doubts. My friends are telling me to leave him, and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Reply July 12, 2013, 10:33 am

Count Mackula

Whoa!! Sounds like you may have a genuine “player” on your hands.

Ok. Enough with the jokes. Speaking of jokes, this guys commitment level is a question mark.

People have different perspectives and I’m of the opinion that jealousy is healthy in relationships, as long as not acted upon.

Also, there are two sides to look at:

Lets start with #2, you. You wrote some things about him that are sticking points, dealbreakers, red flags etc, which many people dont like because its “negative” but I just think it’s “realistic”. However, you didn’t talk as much about you and ultimately, it’s your life. So the million dollar question is: What do you want? You want that guy but you want him to yourself, it sounds.

How can a woman accomplish this? She can A) Be such a badass girlfriend that he doesn’t even consider other women, B) Ultimatum him nonstop that she’ll walk.

I choose “a” all day because Im a straight up man.

The question is, does A or B even matter if you have a boyfriend who *really* doesn’t care about you? If he’s just a player out for sex & not willing to change, you are NOT going to change him by staying with him and giving him your best. Its called self respect and you must respect yourself if you want others to.
Likely, if you keep giving ultimatums he’ll just keep ignoring, hiding it and maybe cheat more.

If, based on what you’ve told us, you seem to have found a loser. He either never cared about you or thought he did but after getting closer changed his mind but doesnt want to lose you. Also, some draw their “confidence” from their partner and often dont even know it, which is why they have none when they are single, instead of generating confidence internally, and will lean on their current partner for confidence while slutting,I mean, reaping the benefits of the confidence their partner provides to meet new partners that they would not have otherwise possibly had access to.

This is a “want their cake and eat it too” scenario. They want to string you along while weighing their options.

Again, back to you. What type of relationship do you want? What type of partner do you want? etc.

If you want a committed relationship, this might not be the right guy for you.

You have to decide though.

Not your gfs, not me. Just you.

You need to look inside yourself and decide “Is this the life I want?”

Reply July 14, 2013, 1:42 pm


But if he was cheating, why would he stay for over a year if he doesn’t care, nor is committed to me. I guess with our relationship, he does care, I go to meet his best friends, i hang out with them all the time, right now he does live with me and we are working on making the best of it. I guess I am just trying to decipher if he really is cheating or if he is just a dumbass and actually believes that his responses are innocent. To him he doesn’t see himself flirting, it just comes natural, and the weird part is nothing seems to come from these girls, this is the only one that i have doubts on. All the other scenarios he has never called them baby or babe or beautiful or sexy nothing like that at all, it usually just sarcastic jokes and then they ask him to hang out and he says no. I don’t know what to make of that, I know he loves me, but how can i just leave him when i don’t know for sure. I’m really very confused. Thank You

Reply July 15, 2013, 9:51 am


Why would he stay?!

Why would he go?

If you let him do whatever he wants & still have his way with you, that’s your choice. I’m not telling you you are right or wrong. If you feel it with him then it is your life.Then you have to accept that he is that way & learn to not let it bother you & focus on what you get out of the relationship and just “be happy” about that. Essentially, “turning a blind eye” and just going with, “he is with me so thats all that matters to me”.

But you set your own threshold of tolerance in this life.

Listen. It is obvious you care.

My goal here is to not sway your perspective. It is to break you free a bit emotionally from the situation.

Some people will test you to see how much you’ll let them get away with and if you just allow it, they keep going.

A devious test from you would be to embrace it and “play” like you think it’s hot and elude to a threesome. He might spill more info.

But. Then, youre playing games.

Trust me. Ive never cheated on a woman in my life and have dated ALOT.

Ive dumped & been dumped.

Alot of dudes(and women too sometimes) want “harems”, where they have multiple partners with sex on tap.They’ll have one main squeeze but multiple side partners.

There are people who are open to this idea. I personally am not offended by the concept. It’s great fun. The problem is where people are not direct and honest about it.

When you care and “fall in love” youre vulnerable.Which is OK, with a decent human being but if you have a dishonest mate, youre being walked all over.

What CAN happen (Im not saying it is this case) is that a person can become codependent and because of this, theyll justify anything because they care.

My parents have been married about 35 years. There is a certain level of codependency, but they respect each other so it works.

Anyway. I been there. Where you are. It sucks and I choer I couldnt allow that and moved forward. Just look for a little space to reflect.

Back away a bit and let him show you his commitment level.

Reply July 15, 2013, 10:24 am


Seeking some man advice… My boyfriends friend (girl) has really disrespected me and our relationship. She used to send him nude pictures, and questionale emails and texts. We broke up in the past because of this type of stuff, and when getting back together he promised me it was all going to end. He was no longer going to talk to this friend anymore.

Come to find out that was never the case, he’s lied to my face about talking to her still. He swore for an entire argument that I was crazy, he hadn’t talked to her, blah blah…The only way he confessed is because I showed him the phone bill, and emails (I really didn’t want to stoop that low). Things I felt were going great between us and this just threw me waaay off. This was the one person I didn’t want to have to deal with in our relationship anymore. We argued and argued about this, to no compromise or conclusion. But he still emails her.

Not sure what to think of this. Any advice? I appreciate it!

Reply June 10, 2013, 10:27 pm

Eric Charles

Your boyfriend’s friend disrespected you… ?

I don’t think she’s the problem here…

I don’t come away with the impression that if this “disrespectful friend” was gone, you’d have a picture-perfect boyfriend…

Just saying.

Reply June 10, 2013, 11:57 pm



And you are absolutely correct. It’s clear she is not the root of my issue, I’m just not sure where to go with this anymore. He doesn’t see it as a big deal, and I’m not ok with being lied to.

Reply June 11, 2013, 12:19 am

Eric Charles

Hmmm… do you think, when you ask yourself really honestly, that he wants the kind of relationship that you want?

I’m not trying to lead your answer one way or another, but if you had to choose a yes or no here, which would it be?

Reply June 11, 2013, 1:17 am


That’s a tough one… There’s so much more to that than just a yes or no. We live together, we have a “family” unit. We have years of history together. I’d like to believe that we’ve built something special together and worth fighting for. Deep down I want to say yes, he does want the same kind of relationship that I would like to work torward. I just don’t know if something like this ever changes, is it me being “crazy, insecure and over reacting”? Or is it him? I mean he says I make him lie about this situation. In my eyes lying creates much more drama than being honest, and more importantly it eats away at trust. How do I learn to trust him, if I decide to continue?

June 11, 2013, 2:26 am

Eric Charles

Hey Count,

I ran your comment as is — I know you’ve contributed a bunch and I’m glad to have you here helping out.

For some reason, my website has been extra-aggressive on moderating comments, so some of the time I end up having to push them through manually… I don’t know what’s setting off the trigger for moderation, but I’m sure it has something to do with anti-spam measures I’ve put in place (you’d be amazed at the number of idiots who attempt to post about paying a witch doctor to cast a voodoo love spell… but I digress…)

Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to read your comment, but I know you put time and effort into it to help the reader, so I’m sure I’d be good with it. Like you said — you give your opinion, I give mine… I’m good with that.

Reply June 11, 2013, 10:22 pm


After reading all of your comments, I concluded that intentionally being blind suits some people.

Reply May 17, 2017, 7:34 pm


I found out last night that my bf (been together for about 8 1/2 months) has been texting two girls he used to hook up with. One conversation in particular was very sexual. Mostly on her side. I didn’t ask who he was talking to last night but he said it was one of his guy friends. It was one of the girls. Last weekend he said he was going out to his guy friends house when he actually went out to meet one of these girls.( think she is moving). I’m ok with him hangout out with other female friends of his, but why would he lie to me about it? The explicit conversation he had with the other girl bothers me the most though. I’m almost positive he has not met up with this girl..but I know it’s his ex…When we’re together he always makes me smile and laugh, and things seem well. We were even intimate a few days ago. How should I confront him about this?

Reply June 6, 2013, 1:45 pm

Count Mackula

I mistakenly posted this on the next posters answer. Apologies to all.

Personally, I wouldn’t confront him unless you’re ready to dump him. People tend to think your behavior is “needy”, “invasive”, “crazy”, “psycho”. I personally disagree, but these people think that way. So, he will get pissed that you are “spying” on him. My perspective is, if people aren’t doing shady shit, then there wouldn’t be a need to spy on them.

Probably not what you want to hear, but this guy doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down.

If he is doing that shit and says he wouldn’t tell you if he cheated because he doesn’t want to lose you, that tells me he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I have no patience for liars any more. I drop women like 3rd period French if they lie to me about something like this.

If I tell them to stop and they don’t, that tells me she doesn’t take me seriously and why do I want to spend my life with someone who is dishonest, cheating, and doesn’t respect me. I’m not. I’m confident in myself now, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths and don’t care about anyone who doesn’t also care about me.

Trust me, guys go through these same scenarios with dishonest women too. These people have to learn the hard way that others’ lives aren’t their playground and some people only learn the hard way.

You are young so you have plenty of time to date. If you confront him, just lay out the facts and try to let him do the talking. Say, “I don’t like that you talk to exes and see them, nor that you lie to me about it.” The scum of the Earth too often are the ones women end up dating because those guys more often have the balls to ask you all out and/or y’all just find it more challenging to try and convert “bad boys” into husbands.

Problem is, you cannot change people. They usually do what they want and if what they choose to do is make poor choices, how can you see them ever really making the right choice… most of them won’t until they have been dumped enough times to change their ways. It’s called experience.

Personally, I think you should decide what you want to do on your own but if it were me, I would simply tell him you are breaking up with him. If he asks for a reason, you can tell him that’s why.

I dated a girl who acted a lot like the way you’re describing. My gut told me she was cheating. I checked her phone and later her Facebook and sure enough, she was. She acted angry with ME because I went through her shit and tried to act like I was the crazy one. Even though I know for a fact that she still checked her ex bf’s facebook to see who he was talking to. Huh? I’m crazy for looking in your shit.. while you’re looking in someone elses shit? The worst thing I ever did was allow it to linger.

Think of it as respecting yourself. If you don’t, why will he.

It sucks you should have to be such a hardass and can’t just be happy and live your life but these ass clowns just don’t get it.

My advice: leave.

Go meet some new men and use this experience to screen out men who are not looking for the same thing you are with the same core values

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:56 pm

F'in Confused

What happened when you let it linger?!?!

So I was dating this guy, we both attend a pretty too notch university. He’s smart he’s ambitious, and we come from similar backgrounds. We were best friends. And we rushed into a relationship out freshman year. We had some issues, mostly on his part. 6 months in I find a text message of him asking another girl if she would ever have sex with him. We brake up over it in feburary. We don’t speak for 2 months but when we did we had sex multiple times. And now were in talking terms. He wants time for us to mature. But he wants to be friends (texting and calling everyday) until we’re both ready to date so he can win me back and date again. He was my first boyfriend and first everything. I did neglect him emotionally around the time of the incident. However I broke up with him because that shit is backstabbing. So I just want to know what happens when you let it linger because that’s what I’m doing. I don’t know whether or not to let him be back in my life. He’s cried over hurting me. And I have extremely strong feelings for him too and it’s hard to let go when he’s reminding me why I fell for him in the first place. Sorry if that was too long but please help

Reply June 7, 2013, 3:32 am


So I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 yrs now. Everything throughout the relationship is great. He is a great guy and treats me well. We never had any huge arguments (we have silly arguments but it’s nothing extreme) or even fight, but at times I get “lowkey” suspicious. Yes I do trust him and I know he loves me he says that he will never hurt me. I always ask him questions like for instance I ask him if he cheat on me of he would tell me and he said no because he doesn’t want to lose me. I’m younger than him, he is 28 and I’m 21. A while back I found out that he was on a dating site and I confronted him about it. I’m thinking to myself why is he even on a dating site if you already in a relationship? But he apologized and said he’s not going to do it again and I took his word for it. He has a cousin which is a bad influence because his cousin is a big time cheater and my boyfriend goes out with him to the clubs or just hang out. I know that whenever he goes to the club he dances with other girls “sometimes” which I talk to him about it; I don’t mind if he is dancing with other girls because if I’m in the club with my girls and the vibe is right I’ll dance with other guys too “sometimes” but there is a way to dancing with other people but knowing him its probably a different story because he loves big ass and big tits (which my ass ain’t that big nor I have big ass tits lol). But I have an issue with giving out your number to other people at the clubs which I know he has done that. I may be a little insecure about myself because I do check his phone often which I need to stop cause if I trust him I shouldn’t have to worry about anything which he has told me before. Yes I do find things that made me second guess and have negative thoughts but at I don’t want to assume. Sometimes I do confront him and sometimes I don’t. We have this type of relationship that we can basically talk about anything such as ex’s, women, cheating, you name it and we be casual or cool about it(sometimes I think like a dude). Everytime that I ask him lets go out somewhere he always have some excuse and doesn’t want to go (sometimes), but when his cousin or one of his friends tell him about something he jumps and goes (sometimes) but mostly he would go out with them more than me. One thing for sure I tell him constantly I ain’t stupid I don’t have jackass across my forehead lol so he better watch himself….but IDK I think that I’m tripping but I do have an issue with these other women but I’m not the jealous type really like I said before I do trust him. I know he has friends as girls but I’m talking about those women that he meet at the club etc. Like should I be worried? or just continue having faith in my relationship. Like we both talk about marriage and kids and all that and I do think that he is “the one”. Honestly I’m happy because he is the first guy to ever treat me right really and he has done a lot for me. I don’t want to get in too much because I’ll just run my mouth lol but I feel that since he is an older guy about to hit his 30’s that he will grow up IDK I need some advice about this (Greatly appreciated!). What you think? or am I tripping? lol I need some help on this

Reply May 26, 2013, 10:33 am

Count Mackula

Probably not what you want to hear, but this guy doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down.

If he is doing that shit and says he wouldn’t tell you if he cheated because he doesn’t want to lose you, that tells me he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I have no patience for liars any more. I drop women like 3rd period French if they lie to me about something like this.

If I tell them to stop and they don’t, that tells me she doesn’t take me seriously and why do I want to spend my life with someone who is dishonest, cheating, and doesn’t respect me. I’m not. I’m confident in myself now, accept my flaws and embrace my strengths and don’t care about anyone who doesn’t also care about me.

Trust me, guys go through these same scenarios with dishonest women too. These people have to learn the hard way that others’ lives aren’t their playground and some people only learn the hard way.

You are young so you have plenty of time to date. If you confront him, just lay out the facts and try to let him do the talking. Say, “I don’t like that you talk to exes and see them, nor that you lie to me about it.” The scum of the Earth too often are the ones women end up dating because those guys more often have the balls to ask you all out and/or y’all just find it more challenging to try and convert “bad boys” into husbands.

Problem is, you cannot change people. They usually do what they want and if what they choose to do is make poor choices, how can you see them ever really making the right choice… most of them won’t until they have been dumped enough times to change their ways. It’s called experience.

Personally, I think you should decide what you want to do on your own but if it were me, I would simply tell him you are breaking up with him. If he asks for a reason, you can tell him that’s why.

I dated a girl who acted a lot like the way you’re describing. My gut told me she was cheating. I checked her phone and later her Facebook and sure enough, she was. She acted angry with ME because I went through her shit and tried to act like I was the crazy one. Even though I know for a fact that she still checked her ex bf’s facebook to see who he was talking to. Huh? I’m crazy for looking in your shit.. while you’re looking in someone elses shit? The worst thing I ever did was allow it to linger.

Think of it as respecting yourself. If you don’t, why will he.

It sucks you should have to be such a hardass and can’t just be happy and live your life but these ass clowns just don’t get it.

My advice: leave.

Go meet some new men and use this experience to screen out men who are not looking for the same thing you are with the same core values.

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:41 pm

Count Mackula

My bad, i think i meant that answer for the post above this one.

Life (to me) is about meeting needs first and then getting what we want. If you meet your own needs, you can just focus on what you want.

If this guy doesn’t meet your needs nor your wants then examine the relationship and decide if it is right for you.

You’re a woman, y’all have just about infinite dating options.

The flirty thing is ok to me as long as people aren’t acting on it. If they are, sayonara, next!

Reply June 6, 2013, 3:50 pm


I’m actually in a RUT. I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for about 4 years. We broke up in b/w 2 years for about 4 months b/c i found out he’d been flirting with some girls. After this breakup he made me promises about keeping me happy etc etc. But the flirting NEVER stops. Flirting as in saying “nice pic” or “you look good” or snapchatting girls. Most of which i don’t know. I’ve come around to the idea of it after a long hard struggle with myself (im an insane insecure girlfriend type must admit). But Yesterday he messages some girl on Facebook who he is well aware that i hate (she never did like me) i see it by chance and he instantly deletes it. I don’t know if there was a convo after that or not, but nothing in the inbox. I’m going to confront him today, and kind of show him why these are the things that make me not trust him at all.
After everything we’ve been through am i being crazy for feeling like he doesn’t love me and disrespects me and i’m just there b/c i choose to stay but not cuz he wants me to be? I need help!

Reply May 23, 2013, 11:36 am

Count Mackula

“After everything we’ve been through am i being crazy for feeling like he doesn’t love me and disrespects me..”

No. You’re not crazy, I don’t think. Does he love you? Does he respect you?

“… i’m just there b/c i choose to stay but not cuz he wants me to be?”

Of course, everyone *chooses* to either stay or not to stay in a relationship.

There are two ways to look at things:
What is your partner doing wrong?(blame) Or, what are you allowing him to do? (responsibility)

In my relationship experience, partners will do things we want them to, we *need* them to and things we *don’t* want them to. Unfortunately, a high percentage of people will do whatever they can get away with and essentially say (blame) you allowed it. Also, we need to look at whether our partner meets our *needs*. The way to make this easy is, always know what you want, tell your partner “I want this” and if they deliver be happy and if they don’t or can’t then be OK with that as long as they meet your needs.

So. While I’m not going to comment on your man’s flirting other than to say, to me I don’t think it’s bad to flirt in relationships and if your partner isn’t jealous then they don’t really care so *to me* it’s not a bad idea to flirt a little and see if they get jealous to “test” them sometimes, so for me personally, when I do it I’m looking to keep my girlfriend honest and respectful, and I don’t mind if she makes me jealous nor would I think less of you for trying to make him jealous.

Where the problem occurs is, when it goes BEYOND flirting. There should be really no inappropriate touching, and zero tolerance on kissing, sex, and sexual acts. If someone is crossing that line in flirting, they should break up with their partner because it isn’t fair to their partner who could be finding someone else.

In my opinion, you are right to be upset, but as long as the dude isn’t “acting” upon these flirts I think it’s OK and if he truly cares about you, he won’t pursue them. “Having a talk” with him about it, just shows him you’re jealous if he’s not doing anything about it so, that’s for your to decide.

So. Here is my advice. Learn to treat your relationships from a “I respect myself” standpoint. You love, trust and give your partner your best but when they do things that do not “fly” with you, you have to reject them for it and if it is a “zero tolerance” type of action they have done then you have to have a zero tolerance standpoint and end it pronto…because if you don’t respect yourself, why is someone else going to?

It’s called RESPECT (thanks Aretha Franklin! :)

Listen. Some people NEVER learn and some people do learn, but only “the hard way”.

I could write you a novel right now on your man’s behavior and analyze the hell out of it. None of that matters though. What matters is, it is YOUR life, and life is choice. You have to choose what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable and if him doing this isn’t OK to you, then you have to decide that. The only way some people learn is the hard way and that is through heart break. Believe me, women think a lot of good “nice guys” are the way they are because they are “weak pushovers”. The real reason is, either they listened to their Mom and sister(s) like me, they listened to their girlfriends and learned from them, like me, etc. They are humanitarians and respect people and their self.

However, I’ve learned the hard way from women dumping me that, listening to women and doing what they want gets me dumped. It’s not “manly”. So, men will also intentionally ignore what their woman says to show dominance and “be a man”. This is where women need to “pick and choose” their battles with what they will push a man to comply with and men need to also “pick and choose” their battles with what they will push their woman to comply with.

Many people get to a “comfort zone” and they will stay there the rest of their life instead of pursuing what they really want. In dating, I know what I want always now and if a woman isn’t giving it to me then she is likely not a good match for me and I do a lot of screening prior to entering a relationship so I know I have weeded out a lot of red flag/unwanted childish behavior up front.

A relationship is push/pull, give/take, etc, and if it’s not a good balance, someone is not winning. If that’s you, then you’ll have to decide, I cannot tell you. It’s strictly your feelings. For me, Kissing, fondling, sex, and any type of sex act are cheating. I’m a very independent person and as long as my woman doesn’t cross or allow another man to cross those lines, I’m cool with it, but if she does, she’s going to be replaced, FAST.

Good luck.

Reply May 26, 2013, 12:15 pm


My x broke up with me a month ago and im still in that painful stage as I still love him and im feeling the pain more than ever. He left this morning on a trip to vegas for thebweekend with some of his boys. Im anxious n restless and unable to stop stressing n wondering whats going to happen over there. Ive never been to vegas but it has such bad rep so I dont know what to expect… But im thinking the worst. At the end of the day he is not my bf anymore but it was 4 years I shared my life with him and its only been a month since he broke up. Im hurting at the thought of him being over there n all the things ppl say about vegas.

Reply April 25, 2013, 7:08 am


Ihave been dating a guy 4 months now he swore after 2 weeks he would marry me. Hesover the top and seems so arrogant to me. I’ve thought he was kidding when he said how wonderful he was but hes just vompketely full of himself. I feel like tgeres no room for me. He has texted other women and received phone calls which he wouldn’t answer in front of me saying it was other women. I think its childish and opposite of what I want. I do fear being alone but even if I stay with him I will be alobe because I can’t feel comfortable with his chick friendships. Im about to end this relationship. There are other issues too, but thats a whole other topic.

Reply April 25, 2013, 1:30 am


I’d say that’s really needy, unless dude is really young, if a woman said that that quick on me, I’d slow her down REAL quick and tell her that’s too much too fast 4sho.

Reply April 25, 2013, 1:52 am


This was genius! Too bad I didn’t come across this 2 years ago. Yesterday I just ended my two year relationship with my boyfriend with whom I live with. I want to say I’ve had my final straw with his boundaries with female friends. I read a text that he sent, and it read ” are you divorced yet??” And she replied “thank bajebus that I never got married or knocked up” and he replied “I’ll get you pregnant”. He used his age old excuse of ” they’re just my friends and thats how we get along” which i know to be true because he loves shock value in a lot of things that he says and does. Also this particular friend I’ve hung out with her before and she recently bought a house with her boyfriend. Now, throughout the two years there’s been a lot of what I called “inappropriate ” behavior with his female friends. From the beginning of our relationship. He would keep in contact with his old “friends with benefits” and chatted with them on a regular basis via text and Facebook. I was semi ok with until I found out he had invited one of them out to lunch (but never actually went). I’ve always told him how this makes me feel, he explained they’re just my friends. Another friend of his who didn’t care for me ( and the feeling was mutual) I felt would always try to sabotage our relationship. She would even send him nude photos of herself ( whore!) all kidding aside…this really pissed me off to the point where I called her and she said I meant no disrespect we’re just friends. Those are just some of the stories I have. So as you can imagine, I’ve been tested a lot in this relationship. There’s a total lack of trust, and I’ve become this really insecure person. Who is constantly thinking ” what is he up to now?”. I moved out for about a month back in August, because we needed to “take a break, and he needed to learn to appreciate me”. He hadn’t been in a serious relationship for a long time, and was not use to being responsible for his actions. Anyway, we run an online business together so we still kept in contact on a daily basis, and still saw each other on a regular basis. He would always say this break was just temporary because in the end he knew we would be together. We have a long history together, I forgot to mention that prior to this 2 year relationship we were together for 4 years in high school. We broke up and ten years later we reconnect and right back together. It was magic in the beginning. So back to our first break in August, come to find out he planned a trip to Vegas with these two girls that I mentioned and yup even shared a room. They had done this before just not while him and I were together. My jaw dropped, my mind started going a thousand miles per hour. Surely he’s playing me for a fool. So I plan a Vegas trip the same holiday weekend, lord knows I needed a getaway. Funny thing is he texted me the entire time, not once did I initiate contact. He even asked if I wanted to grab something to eat (I declined). On my way back home I had a lot of time to think, so I broke it off with him for GOOD… Or so I thought. Immediately after I told him, he was begging and pleading. Saying he knew he messed up and he’s going to change, he wants to marry me, have kids etc etc the whole nine yards. I told him he was selfish and explained all the reasons it couldn’t work. I wasn’t going to put myself through his nonsense anymore.. His texts went on for hours (I wouldn’t answer his calls, and mind you he was still in Vegas with these friends) after reading all of his texts that he was going to prove his change to me, I told him I would have to really think about it and I wasn’t going to give him an answer at that moment. The next morning he left Vegas and we met up to talk, looked in my eyes and told me enough was enough he was done with that life and all of this being away opened his eyes to what he really wanted. He said he would cut those people out of his life, an prove to me that this is what he wanted. So… Loving him as much as I do I wanted to believe it. We moved in together to a different house and a fresh start. I didn’t want to trigger my mistrust so I didn’t even attempt to snoop through his phone. It wasn’t long before I did though, and all that I had feared had again returned. My biggest hurt was not the fact that he still kept in contact with these friends, but that he LIED to me. He gave himself this new set of boundaries and rules, not me. Saying if he continued to do the same things, I could walk away for good but he wanted one chance to prove himself. He made promises that he never intended to keep, he lied. Once he got me back it was back to the same ol’ shit. So yesterday was my final straw, I could no longer be a barking dog with no bite and continue to make empty threats to him. I have to walk away for my own good. Relationships never work on lies, lack of respect, and lack of trust.
I ALWAYS gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew his past, and I absolutely wanted a future with him. We all have our faults and reading this opened my eyes to maybe what the real issue was.

Reply March 28, 2013, 8:21 pm



You’re right, there was never any action behind his words that I know of. I may be a little jealous and insecure, with things that have happened in our relationship, and rightfully so. My fear was getting hurt, and I cannot stand being lied to. I wouldn’t see that as a sign of weakness though? I saw his words as a sign of disrespect and was uncomfortable with the way he joked around with his girlfriends, and the occasion when one of them would send him nude pictures of herself. That would make anyone lose respect for their partner, and question some of their intentions. Like I said I expected something completely different after all of the things he told me to get back with me. And even if he didn’t act out on his words, I still felt let down, and confused.

But he is a MAN of action, and that is one of the things that I love about him. He gets things done, and he never sugar coats anything. I believe that if he didn’t want to be with me because “he lost some interest” he would be the first person to leave, he is not the type to stick around just because.

After I wrote my original post, he initiated a conversation with me when he got home from work. He apologized (he never apologizes) and said the things he said were wrong, he didn’t want us to break up, and he admits that old habits die hard lol but that’s all it was he was just bs’n with his friend.

As I mentioned in my original post, him and I have history together, but that’s not why I want it to work. We compliment each other, we laugh all the time, he is my best friend, and we are opposites but somehow work. We even run a business together, and together we are capable of doing anything! This I know. The subject of his girl friends is literally the only thing we argue about, and I know it’s petty and like you said I shouldn’t give a shit. But it’s not something that I was ever use to dealing with, and I know that is my problem and something I will have to learn to let go if I want us to work.

I am a strong person, and you’re right I should look at the action and not the words. At the same time, was it fair for him to lie to me about things he said he wouldn’t do? I don’t know, maybe I just over analyze. Since him and I talked, I’m learning to see things differently, and work on myself more than anything.

Thank you for your feedback, it’s great to get a mans perspective on things. I know us woman can sometimes put a lot of emotion into things and let it get the best of us.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:16 pm



My ex who recently broke up with me, we would have problems over the same issues. He felt he could flirt and say whatever yet it was ok to him because he wasn’t acting out on it. This flirting with girl friends is something that I personally don’t like and I have also tried to understand it and look at it from a man’s perspective. I have tried to be OK with it and try to understand that men’s mind works a certain way. I caught my man asking for pics, telling his friends how HOT they were, asking them to lunch, etc. I know on that occasion he actually never went but because the girl was unavailable. But that always leads me to think, what if she had accepted, he would’ve gone. Now, maybe it is innocent, maybe it is just lunch. This is where I have really put thought into what I consider acceptable or not. Either I accept this man is the way he is, or don’t be with him. But of course it isn’t quite easy when ur madly in love with that person. U try to find ways to change, to accept it to understand it. But truth is either u truly accept it, or you’re always going to lie to yourself promising change and continue to fight with him about it because you’re never going to be okay with it. I have been going through this for so long with my ex because I did not want to let him go for nothing in the world. I would keep trying to find ways to make it work. Even til this day I love him and I miss him more than anything. But I am starting to learn and see even from the advice CountMackula had given me before. Either u accept the person how they are or you walk away and find someone who has the same beliefs and values you do. See me and my ex, we really love each other but we constantly bump heads because we share different beliefs when it comes to flirting. I find it hurtful and disrespectful that my man is flirting with girls the way he does but he sees it differently. I guess I had always hoped he loved me enough to change that because he knows I would be hurt by him being that way but unfortunately that’s not the way it worked. I honestly must say that this relationship and break up has been the hardest thing I have been through my entire life. I love this man and he has been a major part of my life so it’s hard to just walk away still loving him. A part of me wants to be with him but I know we will never get along because his flirting nature is not something I want to have to worry or think about. And even if I chose to stay, it isn’t up to me because he left me, I didn’t leave him. I chased him like I always do, but he won’t budge. He manages to blame me for everything and not take any fault in all other issues we have had. At this point I just ask God to guide me and put me where He wants me to be and to give me strength to understand the things I do not.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:55 pm


Sounds good.

If he lied, I agree it is better to have honesty. He obviously values you enough to apologize and you should focus on that positive aspect and move forward.

Jealousy isn’t a problem, it is human nature, but it can be a weakness used against you by the wrong people to manipulate you. So, if possible it is better to always improve if possible, accept your weaknesses if not possible and embrace your strengths.

Make it known that you do not like something, like you did, and allow him to decide how to act upon those. Once we as men truly allow ourselves to feel confident, often we feel invincible and we do need strong women to keep us honest. Just remember positive re enforcement is always better than punishment and if you are judgemental of his actions, he is going to feel less likely to share himself with you openly, because men do what reduces headaches often and if he finds it annoying he’ll close those details off from you so he doesn’t have to hear the third degree.

Simply stating, “I respect your honesty, I want you to be honest with me always and I’m also being honest that I don’t like you giving attention to other women over me” makes it known.

Just be aware that if he chooses to respect THAT then he is making sacrifices for YOU and many women view that as weakness in men. So, this is where picking and choosing your battles comes into play. Be authentic but as rational as possible.

If you make it too complex, it’s often more difficult for us to want to deal with and we will not feel your love. This is a delicate balance and men also have a responsibility to pick and choose battles. Relationships are give and take and only work if both sides contribute equally.

You have to decide for yourself what is important for YOU. The fact that he is attractive to other women means you have a guy that is in demand. Rejecting sexual advances from women is about the hardest thing we have to do as men and so if you have a man who rejects other women for YOU, you must value and respect that he chooses you and not penalize him for it, reward him for it.

If he steps over the line, he’s a dog and end it immediately. If he’s just talking and not acting on it, then he is turning down pussy for you. That means he respects you.

It sounds like you’ve got a good situation and there are many women who subject themselves to emotional and physical abuse still so if he isn’t abusive, you have a better man than alot of women.

The world of men is a bit sad right now. Men are homophobic and hateful. I have a great woman right now and I have friends who tell me I’m crazy for some of the women I turn down.

Why? because those guys don’t value women for anything but vagina. I love sex and nothing feels better, but I’m attracted to women also for style, intellect, kindness, femininity, personality, amongst other things and while sex is important, I disregard many women because they don’t have these other areas.

If women want a safer world, they have to stop giving sex to thugs, murderers, rapists, etc. If they want a man who handles business, makes good money, is in shape, confident, selective, appreciates a woman, etc., then she needs to also bring those values to the table.

Men teach women that sex is all we care about because we get burned by cheating women who don’t value monogamous men. After you get burned alot of times, you start to feel that all women are that way. Similar things happen to women. However, this is often a result of people settling for mediocrity in core values to capitalize on certain strengths.

Always look to reduce your “need” of anyone else for your life to be great. Don’t look for men who “make you happy”, look to make yourself happy.

I always say, if you want to be great, then be great and great people will find you and want to be around you.

Reply April 25, 2013, 2:56 pm


This message was very inspiring to me since I am in a similar situation. Thank you for posting this. I couldn’t agree more with what you have said. Thank you so much, this helped my very rough day.

Reply April 25, 2013, 3:03 pm



:) I get perfectly what you’re saying. By any means do I want to have him by his balls either, there’s nothing more unattractive than that.I think it’s a great turn on when a man is able to be a man and can take charge and make decisions.

With that said, I know we as humans it’s only natural to be attracted to the opposite sex, hell I think plenty of men are sexy and attractive. I even had guy friends that I had known for years, that would make it known they were attracted to me. They never sent me nude pics lol but I would never act on it, or even compliment or “play around” in certain ways, BECAUSE I respect my relationship and my boyfriend. So out of respect for my boyfriend, I just cut contact with these friends. Not because my boyfriend was jealous ( because he is not the jealous type whatsoever) But because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward in anyway.

So where is the line drawn? from it being human nature for men to be men, and us woman having to be more understanding not to bruise their ego or be too harsh with how we feel. And men just wanting to have their cake and eat it too?

Because honestly the last thing I want to do in a relationship is feel like I have to check up on my man, and see who’s offering him pussy, just so I can feel secure with our relationship because he turned it down! Lol that was pretty funny when you said that.

I can’t control what he does or keeps tabs on him 24/7 nor do I want to. That actually sounds like a nightmare.

But I am willing for both of us to put in effort, and if he chooses not to do those things anymore out of respect for me GREAT, if he does continue to do it.. Well then at least he knows how I feel about it and then it will be my choice whether to deal with it or not… Again :/

So what kind of advice would you give in regards to, how to not let what has already happened affect the future. When it’s always on the back of my mind? How does someone learn to trust? Without feeling that they’re compromising too much too often.

But I couldn’t agree with you more when you say:
“Always look to reduce your “need” of anyone else for your life to be great. Don’t look for men who “make you happy”, look to make yourself happy.

I always say, if you want to be great, then be great and great people will find you and want to be around you.”

Reply April 25, 2013, 5:58 pm


Some people never change whereas others never learn.

Reply May 17, 2017, 8:04 pm


Okay so I totally get this, and it has opened my eyes as to what my boyfriend is actually doing (he’s flirting with girls over facebook but never meeting) and has been doing so for the duration, which is almost two years.
He is very insecure, something his past relationships have done to him, but I’m trying to bring him back up. In parts of life it’s worked as he has a job now.
But what I don’t understand is why he can’t come to me and tell me that he feels insecure about his appearance. I’m pretty sure he’s using flirting as a tool to make his esteem better. However he’s never come to me and asked me personally. Which has lead him to do what I deem as destructive behaviour.
Why does he keep doing it in secret also? I’ve caught him before and he know’s I’ll find out yet he keeps on doing it.

Reply March 25, 2013, 4:24 pm


The exact same thing happened with my boyfriend. He’s also insecure and began flirting with girls online to boost his confidence. I believe the reason he can’t come to you to talk about it is because of this insecurity that he doesn’t want you to know about. Many men are fearful of showing these emotions because society portrays men as emotionally strong, whereas women are suppose to be the ones who are emotionally weak. Although if you talk to him about it (but be delicate) he may open up, which could result in a stronger bond. Also, if he keeps doing it, make it known that it is upsetting you, talking about it always helps, but make sure not to attack him with accusations or this may result in a fight. I say all of this from experiencing this with my own relationship. Hold out, he should come around.

Reply April 12, 2013, 10:02 pm


That’s good advice, thanks I’ll follow it :)
As of now our relationship is going great and don’t think he’s done this for a while now.

Reply June 11, 2013, 7:17 am


Lol perhaps buying him a cake too?

Reply May 17, 2017, 8:10 pm


Yeah but you cannot have a compassion with a man. We women have much bigger competition, there is a lots of sluts out there as well , we have more reasons to be insecure – do you walk around sexting to make sure you are attractive ? When my man feels insecure, he goes to gym, get few looks from girls but luckily is not acting like a little child about it. You don’t do either, so why would you tolerate it from someone, cause poor him, he was raised not express his emotions. I have guy friends who are insecure, but they dont go around cheating on the girls they are dating, they will rather avoid dating untill they feel better, but they are quite lucky if they get one feeling like this – why they dont cheat and sex ? it’s all about maturity and respect .

Reply August 30, 2017, 6:13 pm


Hi guys, I am just curious if it is normal for my boyfriend to watch porn videos a lot. I know he does because of the history on his tablet. I mean I think its normal because most people do. I really don’t think it has anything to do with us or our sex life, atleast I doubt and hope im right. Im not self conscious or anything in that department whatsoever, im just curious. Also, im about 10 years younger than he is which I thought was a plus for him. He’s
36 & im 26. I noticed he watches a lot of “milf” videos and i can’t help but to wonder like ok does he like older women? I thought he liked having a younger woman like me? I guess my question to u guys is just because these r his videos of choice does it mean something? Ugh i probably sound soo crazy but i want to know if that the kind of women he likes…… Anyone have opinions? Men?? Help.

ids hahaha and im like ok, does he have a thing for women a bit older?

Reply March 7, 2013, 10:38 am


Hahahaha you’re too funny. Its true i guess its normal cuz women do the same. Not to be vulgar but i watch certain vids for the visual and it doesnt mean im into that specific thing. Well im not sure he just comes across hot girls cuz everytime i look, its always milf vids lol. I dont kniw though i mean i pretty much want sex more, sometimes he is tired and i start to freak out like y is he tired but not tired to jerk off when im not there. I wear lingerie, i seduce him, i always look hot for him lol. I think we r both lucky haha. I rather him do that than cheat thats for sure. I just hope he doeant secretly desire older women when this whole time ive been feeling like “yea im making him feel good cuz hes older ans has a hot young woman” oh well..

Reply March 7, 2013, 2:46 pm


Its not normalnormal, society has set the standard, that it is okay to look at porn and that it is normal. Now a days women or man in a relationship is not looking like a super buffed out (man)or doubled DD slut(women) then the couple should find the desired stimulation by porn videos. Relationships between a man and a women is not as strong any more and all faithfulness is out the window. It hurt me so bad the first year I was with my bf and he told me that he looks up porn a fews times since we had been together(that year) and that he tries to find porn videos where the women looks like me…it tore my heart out, this man that I believed to be the only man I wanted to be with the rest of my life is looking at other naked women!!!!! Discusting!!! I believe in soulmates so does he. I grew up believing in that the prince and the princess are committed to each other for the rest of there lives: soul mind body and eyes looking only at that one other who completes them. I truly believe every human is completely capable of this. Anyway after I fell to the ground in hearing him say that he saw what his actions did to me I fell apart in his arms he held me all night apologizing and crying with me. People are not perfect I accept that but I am still with that same man 5years later porn free, christian couple, broken people fighting for each other. I called that true love and will selflessly give what ever it takes to see this man smile every day. I will walk through fire, paint my face blue and ride into battlefield fighting for what william wallace did like in brave heart ( William Wallace started his crusades because the English had a law that new married couples back then must bed an English law forcement on the wedding night before starting their new lives as a couple. Wallace did not comply so they killed his wife). If your not ready to lay it all on the line for the person your with, willing to rip your heart out of your chest for them then you have your answer, that person is clearly not ” The One “. Its that simple

Reply July 20, 2015, 2:20 am


Ok so I have a situation. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for almost 4 yrs and along the way I have been very clingy and needy because I figure that I have not had a very self fulfilling life. I work and go to school and have a bright future ahead but I long for a man to commit to me and have a home and eventlly have kids. My boyfriend refuses to move forward in our relationship and he says the reason is that he doesn’t trust me because I have lied in the past about looking through his personal things. Most people will say all girls do this and it’s normal because I care but to him its a deal breaker especially because I haven’t brought him to my house to meet my parents for personal reasons.. nothing to do with him. So it bothers him even more that I’ve looked through his things when hes brought me around all his fam and friends and I have the nerve to do that when hes never been to my house. Also he refuses to move forward and commit because he says I’ve lied in the past which I have but never anything terrible, only about looking through his things because I know he would fight with me Ans was trying to avoid it. My problem is that I feel like he lies to me about things to avoid drama..Like he’ll say hes having beers with friends but wont tell me his female coworkers are there too which I’ve had suspicions about in the past. What I want to know is how can I get him to want to commit and to be honest with me? How can I change my image of being needy? He already thinks I’ve been this way so long that ill never change. He expects me to be that way. He makes me feel guilty and responsible for him not wanting to settle but at the same time I feel he uses thar excuse because he just isn’t ready. I constantly feel like hE hides things because im too “dramatic” or jealous over e erything. He flirts with his female friends because I’ve read texts and emails and iI hate it! Makes me feel bad about myself.. its hard to walk away because we have been through so much and our previous breakups were devastating to me. How can I turn things around to make him want to commit and not view me as needy and that he “has me”.. and how can I know if he really does care and have him be honest with me?

Reply February 23, 2013, 12:26 pm


Ok. First, I still think you should spend some time in the gym. I did during my tough relationship a year ago and it helped me personally tremendously. Seriously, for me, a stairmaster and some headphones with hard ass rap music, heavy metal and some stuff I really liked worked wonders for stress relief and it got me exercising which tremendously affects libido and I do really feel now a healthy body and healthy mind go together. I did not respond right away because, first, I hate typing on my phone and wanted to wait until the weekend to sit on a laptop. Second, I wanted to read your message, wait a few days, reread it, and then again for a third time with some space between to get a feel or vibe of your message. I have a lot of opinions on what you have said but, what I’ve decided to do is, refer you back to my previous messages about just getting some breathing room in this thing and reflect on what you want and stuff. Try to focus on some other things besides “the relationship”.. that’s not what people focus on in the beginning, I don’t feel, I feel they focus on their partner. Later, things aren’t the same when the focus is on “the relationship”. It’s not as natural “feeling”.

I’m going to make one statement about all the sentences you wrote prior to your questions and then I’ll move to the questions. I want to make it clear that, I’m not looking to be dismissive of what you said by saying this, but what I want to comment on is that, all of those events/actions are frozen in history and will never change. They will never be “fixed” because they aren’t “broken” they just “occurred” and you (and he) will need to “accept” that and decide for yourselves what impact those events have on you moving forward.
“What I want to know is how can I get him to want to commit and to be honest with me?”
The short: You can’t. You cannot make people do something they do not want to and you cannot make them change if they do not want to or are not ready to. I truly feel this now. You can try techniques and tactics that are suggested to attempt to draw out your partners true feelings.. but you cannot MAKE them feel something they don’t and you will need to accept the results if you try that, so I don’t necessarily advise it.. also, I’ve “experimented” with drawing out feelings from women before and it’s not a good idea. Things “happening naturally” is the way, always, I feel. Maybe he’s not ready. Maybe he can’t afford a ring. Maybe he doesn’t know where/how he wants to ask you. Maybe, he wants to propose to you “because he decided to” (a man made a decision) not because you pressured him (a man hates being told what to do, that’s why married men complain about “nagging wives” and why alot of wives complain their husbands never listen, because alot of men will refuse to do what she “wants” him to do because he thinks “hey! she’s not the boss of me!”, especially after 8+ hours of his boss telling him what to do, the last thing he wants is to leave work and hear someone else tell him what to do. Maybe he’s looking for some sort of “evidence” that by “going all in”, so to speak, that he’s making the right choice.. not because you are not the right choice, but, essentially, he might be wanting to consider if he’s truly ready to become “off the market”.. for good.. personally, I feel, where I am in my life now, that if he’s unsure, then it’s not right.., but that’s just me, now.. I’m human)

“How can I change my image of being needy?”
First. All humans have needs, men and women. Distinguish what is “want” and what is “need” and if those are being met by him and if you are being reasonable and fair to him and yourself. If you believe you are seriously being reasonable, then you may want to reevaluate your relationship. However, if you ignore what this guy says, and think about your own opinion of you, if you still think you have some areas that you want to improve about yourself and will also add strength in the relationship, work on your confidence by becoming more independent. Get a best friend or two.. a couple of close girlfriends to share some interests with if you don’t already have them. If you do, plan some girl time once a week. Don’t be upset if he wants “guy time” too. Get a few hobbies. Hit the gym. Become the type of woman that any man, including YOUR man, would want.Get a job if you don’t have one. (I got a suggestion, work at Hooters. A bunch of dudes will be coming in to see you and that guy might say, “man, I better lock it up before she meets a new guy!” I dunno, I really dislike “tactics” and “gameplay” but I think as long as the end result works, I think it’s OK. I feel, “playing hard to get” is OK, I think “playing IMPOSSIBLE to get” is annoying and “games” arren’t real love, they usually end up in one or two people getting hurt and losing..)

“He already thinks I’ve been this way so long that ill never change.”
Who gives a f*** what he thinks? Ok, that’s harsh, obviously you do, but what YOU think about YOU, is ALWAYS more important than what *anyone* else thinks about you.

“He expects me to be that way.”
So? F*** his expectations.. I say, meet him halfway. If he’s expecting you to be undrstanding and trusting, then you expect the same but you give it to him.. people can change. I know, because I have changed myself for others before. I have two takes on that. First, someone should always “be themselves”, right? However, if someone cares, they’ll change for the one they love, right? Well, that’s a tough one. You are who you are. If you are truly “needy”, it’s from insecurity. The only way to become more secure is to face and overcome some of your fears and to build self confidence. You gotta become iron inside to the point that you aren’t phased by others. You are going to get what the f*** you want and get what you deserve and if that guy’s not giving it to you, then, you’ve got some decisions to make possibly. Again, read my earlier advice. Start exercising, even if it’s a little, get a little bit more space from him, meet up with some girlfriends or make a few new ones or take up a hobby. FORCE yourself to give him the trust he’s looking for. Give it. Just hand it over. See how he handles it. Does he respect you for it and reciprocate? Or does he walk all over you and do worse. Then, decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with the results. If so, keep waiting. If not, MOVE ON!

“He makes me feel guilty and responsible for him not wanting to settle but at the same time I feel he uses thar excuse because he just isn’t ready.”

This is where I see things differently than many women. While, I can see why this happens, because I’ve been there.. feelings are ultimately a choice. He cannot MAKE you feel “guilty” if you don’t allow him to. He either does or he doesn’t. That’s not his fault and it’s not your fault. It just is what it is. If he says he’s not ready, then that may be, but I will say, I know plenty of people take others for granted and sometimes, the ONLY way other people will learn is by feeling the loss. It’s possible, if he truly sucks ass, that the only way he, and many other men and women in the world, will learn to respect and appreciate what they have when they have something good, is to LOSE it. That means, you dump this guy, he hurts, he learns “from experience” that the next time he has something that good, he needs to embrace it, because he might never find it again. If he truly sucks, you will become “the one that got away” if he never finds better, but perhaps will learn a hard lesson he NEEDS to learn. If this is the ultimate choice, it needs to be swift, short and FINAL. The least explanation the better. Any “reason” you give is a chance for “rebuttle” for “manipulation”. Just say “no, I can’t”, make the decision final and cut the cord. DO NOT rush into a “rebound relationship” until you have remained single for a bit and gained “independence”.

“I constantly feel like hE hides things because im too “dramatic” or jealous over e erything.”
Maybe, but you shouldn’t change who you are for someone else. That’s just my opinion. I don’t. I’m single alot because of it, but I really don’t feel I should have to change for another person. After dating alot, I think the advice “be yourself” is the best ever.. just get to know yourself better.

“He flirts with his female friends because I’ve read texts and emails and iI hate it!”
You have to have loved in order to hate, I think. I NEVER had hated anyone. I now harbor hatred for a few women, one in particular. I think I will both love her and hate her forever. Even though, I could mostly care less now, certain things still piss me off about how she treated me and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive her truly in my heart. You can’t hate someone THAT DEEPLY without having really loved them and been hurt.

“Makes me feel bad about myself..”
I get it, I really do. I was there before. You know what? How you feel is how you feel. It just is. That’s why “invalidation” hurts, because, it’s other people saying, at a lower level, “your feelings don’t matter”. There are so many ways to hurt other peoples’ feelings, it’s ridiculous. You know what? There ARE good people in this world who are trying to make a difference.. EVERY DAY and there are some people who have a truly shitty life. The hardest lesson of all to learn is, “life is not always fair”. It’s just not. The world will kick your ass, and they will not care. “feeling sorry for yourself” happens, but it’s best to recognize when you are doing this and try to minimize it because, when the going gets tough the tough gets going… sometimes, this world is survival of the fittest and there are people out there making moves while others are sitting in a corner feeling sorry for themselves. YES. I am aware how insensitive this sounds. I’m NOT saying it is your fault. I’m saying, regardless of what he’s saying or doing, YOU have to do what’s RIGHT and HEALTHY for you… even if it’s rejecting this relationship.

“its hard to walk away because we have been through so much and our previous breakups were devastating to me.”
..and each one after will be more devastating. I been there.. the longer and longer, the harder and harder. There’s more “investment”. If you are “devastated” by losing him, you are “attached”. You have “allowed” yourself to be dependent on him and it is not healthy. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but if you’ve broken up on more than one occasion, this relationship sounds unhealthy and not good.. ask yourself why do you want to continue in a relationship that just doesn’t sound functional.

“How can I turn things around to make him want to commit and not view me as needy and that he “has me”.. and how can I know if he really does care and have him be honest with me?”

I covered this above I think. You can’t “make” anyone do anything they don’t want to do.. Nothing in life is guaranteed but death and taxes. You want him to commit, your choices are, 1. keep waiting in misery (not worked so far) 2. confront him/keep pressuring (you’ve tried it sounds but not working… once SHOULD be enough to outline “boundaries”/”expectations”) 3. Ultimatums.. they ONLY work if you’re willing to walk away. You say, “, I love you love me? He says, “Yes/no”.. you say, “man up or I’m walking”.. you can’t really “threaten” this though, if you’re not prepared to go through with it. Many men, who “flirt” in a relationship have a false “comfort” because they have a girl to fall back on… many lose all of it because it was a false “confidence” and alot of women only want a man with a woman because, I think they are stupid…if he cheats with you, he’ll cheat ON you.. same with women… once a cheater, always a cheater.. I feel, until they are TRULY ready to become “an adult” and give up “the lifestyle” to have a better life.. some never do

It’s late, I’m tired.. probably not my best writing
Strength comes from within

Reply March 3, 2013, 4:57 am


Thanks, appreciate your thorough response. You’re awesome at analyzing and giving advice. I agree with everything you said, it’s actually taking action that is the hardest part. I need to be stronger and actually do these things. It is not easy at all. One part of your response to my comment was about me hating him. But I don’t hate him at all, what I said was that I hate that he emails and flirts with female coworkers. I don’t hate anyone, thats a strong and ugly word. It’s so funny you mentioned working at Hooters because I used to work there (not anymore), thats where I met him lol. I just really do want to become the kind of woman any man would want. Which a lot of people tell me I am but I just need to feel that way myself. I work, have a good job, go to school, going for my Masters as a Physician Assistant; however, I still have about 3 years to finish and live with my parents. I always feel if I had my own place and felt a little more independant I would be more confident. I shouldn’t feel that way because at least I am doing it as a sacrifice to better my life by going to school and working towards my career, but I am hard on myself and I am impatient as hell. I’m like I want it now, and I want this and I want to be like that. I know what I need to do I just need a little more strength and will power. I know it is all up to me and my actions. I guess I need to really focus on building my confidence and my independance and stop looking for external things to be happy with myself. I have to say that is probably my biggest issue and it reflects on my relationship. My bf has issues too, but I know that I have issues of my own that have affected the relationship. I still feel he shouldn’t be flirting with other women and being so immature with his friends sending pictures of women’s asses etc., but I am going to try to be less worried about that nonsense and focus more on me and changing for the better not only for me but to see if by giving him that trust, he betters himself with me as well.

Things are going good. But I am annoyed because he is going to Vegas with his boy and told me its his boy’s cousins wedding which I know is true and planned it when we had broken up so I can’t say shit..BUT, I just found out that some of his co workers are also going that same weekend including female coworkers who I do not like or trust because they used to call and text him all the time and I have never met them. I saw it on one of the chicks facebooks. I havent told him anything because he will flip it on me and tell me I am stalking these girls and being psycho (bc their page is private & I have an old fake page and had added them before which he knows about and was very upset and thought it was childish and insecure) so I cant tell him I still log in there from time to time. I think he isnt telling me because he KNOWS I will be pissed and insecure that those girls r also going the same weekend. Im mad because he isnt fully being honest about it. Should I just not say anything and wait to see if he will say something or what should I do??

Reply March 7, 2013, 12:18 pm


I apologize for all the misspellings and autocorrect errors. Bare with me as I am posting these from my cellphone.

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:50 am


you’re fine i dont care about mispellings.

look. No, not all men are terrible, however, most of the “honest” ones are labeled as “boring” and “backboneless” & dumb shit like that.

What it’s REALLY called is “honest” & “unselfish”; but many women abuse these guys.. many of good men I know, their women are VERY disrespectful of these guys and lie and cheat behind his back and uses him for resources… i been there.. ruined my perspective on love and women.. it is now VERY difficult to allow a woman close with trust and things.. once women f— over dudes enough times, men “wisen up”.. but many will just view these women as unstable and keep looking while others will refuse to allow women to “own them” EVER and will seek out to just “bang” women.. many will keep a lesser attractive girlfriend to do shit for them while they playboy around, much like many women women will have a steady “boyfriend” or husband who she isnt really attracted to and cruely leads on denying his sexual needs for her own gain, while banging d-bags behind his back.. it works both ways..

These women take the good guys so much for granted that they cheat on him, lie to him.. etc..

most men would likely be satisfied with one attractive woman who didnt cause him extra stress and drama but its hard to find.

not complaining about women.. just stating SOME perspectives..

the bottom lines are:
-Do you love your boyfriend and want to be with him.. if yes, then be with him
-Is he actually ACTing on these impulses, or just talkin trash.. if its just talk then who gives a shit?
-i will admit emails seem kinda wierd for dudes to me, but whatever, who am i to judge
-yes, friends of 20 years or more are just as likely to talk trash
-I dont like lying and cheating but a large % of this world seems to lie first to CYA and then try to justify it later.
-Are you happy? If so.. ok great, so whats the problem? if not.. would you be happy single? i opted for single for a bit and my life was better, since i had time to reflect on what i wanted.. i later met some great women and ive found one that is really good.. maybe it will work, maybe not but i dont care, it feels good & if she leaves, ill find another

Reply February 12, 2013, 3:07 pm


As far as women goes who cheat on their good men, well I think really low of these women. Why be in a relationship? It all depends on the morals of that person, I mean really, if you love someone, why betray them? I know what you mean because nowadays a lot of women out there are money hungry trash with no morals. I believe that a married woman who sleeps around has no respect for herself and thats the lowest of the low. The dude banging the married chick will look at her like trash and her husband as a sorry ass dude. If you love your man you would never let him be ridiculed that way and be THAT sucker dude who his wife cheats on him. Unfortunately theres all kinds of dirtbags out here including both men and women. I honestly am a great girl. I would never disrespect my bf nor flirt around with dudes because I don’t need that attention and I want a family already, I don’t have time for bs. I feel like he doesn’t realize he has something great. My problem is I tend to make my bf my priority because he is the one I am closest to rather than family and friends and I love him tremendously. However, because of things I read I just don’t know if I can trust him. How do I know if he really is just trash talking or if he will act on it? I feel like I will never know for sure. And the biggest problem of all is that he is the type of dude that feels like no one needs to question him and the moment I ask where he’s going and with who, he automatically turns into dick mode and ignores me becasue he says he is tired of me being insecure. We have had a lot of issues in the past and he hates my insecuritties. A lot of my insecurity comes from the fact that I have seen how he flirts with other girls while he has been with me and I do not like it… yet he feels he isn’t doing anything wrong as long as he doesn’t bang another chick. We broke up for about 3 months twice and I know for sure he slept with a lot of women because he said it to his boy on an email. Here is why they email… from work, so that his boys girl doesnt read it. They both work on a computer all day so they write to each other. It just sucks dude, I am at a point where I know I prob shouldn’t continue to try and make this work because I don’t trust him, even though I have no proof he has ever cheated, but its his personality with other women that scares me… like what if the opportunity arises with a super hot model looking chick… would he take it? I really don’t know what to do anymore…

Reply February 12, 2013, 8:37 pm


Hey, personally, I agree with most of your points from a logical perspective…
this is where validation and invalidation of feelings comes in i believe.. he’s invalidating your feelings maybe, but I’m no expert.

What I will say is, I’m offering you my perspective, yet, the decision is yours ultimately, as I’m sure you are aware.

I’m going to try to look at just the facts.

Here’s what I think:

-You care about him, you love him. The initial sparks always subside.. so, do you love him?
-You don’t feel like you can trust him. I been there. Ok. You’re jealous. Why? Because you care. When you first met him, you were smitten but did you even REALLY care too much about the competition? Think about an ex BF you USED to be in love with and no longer care about.. are you jealous of other women with that dude? Not really.. so do you love this guy? Only YOU know for sure.. it sounds to me like you care but maybe hes not right.
-Now, maybe you do love him. The follow up question is, ok, just because you love a guy does that mean he is the right guy for you? Again. Only YOU will know. Not your friends, not me, only you.
-If you love him, he loves you, you can both tell youre right for each other and “it just works” then invalidate your own feelings.. recall how you felt about him in the beginning.. you possibly werent thinking about your own “insecurities”.. thats selfish thinking (not saying “you are wrong” to feel how you do..) Im saying.. in the beginning, two people are excited and their focus is on their partner.. NOT themselves.. when they start becoming selfish.. they start to focus on the wrong things..

the converse is you love him and care about him but hes not the right guy because your “core values” differ.. you guys have different values when it comes to flirtation.. and the definition of.. its normal though for women to “bitch and nag” men.. if you look at an average 60 year old couple who has been married 30 years, the woman nags and bitches at the man constantly.. and he ignores and doesnt listen.. thats where the stereotypes come from.. however thats average couples.. there are exceptions to the rules and “power couples”.. people who i think searched and dated alot, knew what they wanted, looked til they found it and never let go.. there are old happy couples..

ok. Enough on that topic.

It is possible to be attracted to someone but not love them..

its possible to love and not be attracted. sometimes attraction can fade.. however, two people who are attracted to one another, have chemistry, love each other, both care and want it to work will always find a way to make things work with a give and take.. and it IS possible this guy is not the right one for you..

my suggestion is.. dont pull away TOO far.. but try to get a little space, think about it.. the BEST is to hit the gym. dont use alcohol to drink it away.. go to the gym, put an ipod in your ears with your best music and do a stairmaster for 30 minutes a few times a week and just reflect. Do you see this guy as the father of your children?

Could you live with him if you dont already? Could you marry him? etc…

Get a *little* separation with him and see how he handles it.. not too much or its wierding up (sabotaging) your relationship to test him.. kind of gamey.

I had an ex where I did most of the work to keep our relationship going.

I finally couldnt take it. I decided, OK. I wont give up on her, but I will simply meet her halfway. I will match her commitment and communication level.

She told me she felt like i was playing games with her and backed away further.. she didn’t see that she was in control also of the fate of the relationship and take action to prevent it from failing. She blamed me obviously and allowed it to crumble. If she REALLY loved me, she would’ve wanted to see me in person.. called me some, etc.. nope.. she REFUSED to make an me that means she wasnt the right gal.

I cant live my life in a relationship with a woman who doesnt truly care about me.. so I moved on. I decided, “her loss”.

So.. focus A BIT more on yourself away from him & when you are with him, look for the feelings you had in the beginning.

Decide what you want and see if he provides that.

Reply February 12, 2013, 9:48 pm


Thanks, this is probably the best advice anyone has given me. Yes, I do love him a lot I just feel he does invalidate my feelings & is selfish, however, he thinks I’m selfish & I am in the wrong. Ofcourse he doesn’t know I looked through his things recently and that’s y I don’t trust him the way I would like to. Hearing the person u love say that marriage must be the cruelest punishment to man..well it sucks & makes me have doubts. He is going out of town without me in a few months & im worried & sad that he might betray me. Maybe im just making myself crazy & stressing more than I should. I wonder if he is right for me or not, I just know I love him very much & not having trust equals relationship destruction. I’m going tl take your advice im backing off a little & hitting the gym to let him miss me & come around on his own. I hope he does come around & that one day I can stop worrying about other girls. I wish times were different & people were less willing to screw around :(

February 18, 2013, 6:24 pm



I would like to post to this forum and have Eric reply but I know that it is probably hard to get a response due to the volume of questions. I think you’re advice is GREAT because I am getting a man’s perspective on relationships which is what I want… to understand the way men are so I can stop being so judgemental and insecure when a gorgeous 10 walks in the room and my bf looks at her and I start to imagine what he is thinking. It has always bothered me that when men see a hot woman the first thing they think of is sex, I understand it, but hate it when it is my man. Anyway, where I am going with this comment is that I wanted to know if I can post a question here, explaining my entire situation, if you wouldn’t mind answering. I know posting it in the questions forum while probably give me many responses from women telling me “walk away, or get out of the relationship” which is not what I want to hear, atleast not from another woman. We must all understand that men and women are two different creatures who think differently and I think by me understanding better the way men think, it will help me have a successful relationship with myself, and with my partner; if not my current one, my future one. Thanks! :)


February 19, 2013, 11:37 am


2nd part to my comment above: how they’d love to bang these gitlrls. My bf even made a comment saying hes going to get super fit and cheat then he wrote nahhhhh, maybe a little. Here’s the thing he is a big time joker so I know he trust to be the funny guy hence the last thing he said however I am paranoid bow and think what if I don’t even know this man. I know snooping is wrong but I want to believe he is not a pig but then I read this and I see how he flirts Wittgenstein his coworkers and its driving me nuts. My question to men is will it always b this way? My bf is 35 yrs old and still dies this? Is this just a mans human nature and im overreacting and stressing? Or am I with the wrong person. Are all men this way with their boys?? I just need a mans point of view. Like I said I have never caught him cheating and not to sound like a naive dumb girl but I know he loves me yet I don’t feel secure. I have trust issues as well… I just want to know why men are the way they are when it comes bro got women so that maybe I can learn to be in a healthy relationship even if it means the next one.

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:47 am


Make a new reply though because i did not see “reply” as an option any more from your last comment.

Reply February 19, 2013, 12:14 pm


Made a new thread…

Reply February 25, 2013, 2:34 pm


I’m having a hard time accepting my bf being a flirt. The hard part is that I know because I’ve looked through his phone & emails. I don’t know how to confront him because he left me before for that reason. I recently looked through his emails which he is unaware of and saw a bunch of back n forth emails with his buddies sending pictures of women’s asses and commenting how hot they are, etc
I understand men r men but what bothered meud wu the most was an email with
his best bud where his friend who has a gf & supposedly is really in love was telling my bf that its hard being good and that his professor is hot n coming onto him and that if she was a real stunner it would be hard to resist. My bf replied saying “I’m
the wrong guy to say that to.. I would’ve been parking lot bound” “hahahaha”… I couldn’t believe he’d say that. They were both going back n forth talking about how
they’d L

Reply February 10, 2013, 10:40 am


I couldn’t tell you for certain without knowing that dude specifically..
but most (American?) men will do and say virtually anything to avoid sounding weak, gay, or like a “pussy”.

A high percentage of dudes, especially complete assholes, view “falling in love” as “weak” and “for women”.. so if a guy shows any signs of that, other dudes will destroy his reputation by publicly telling other dudes he’s a fag, he’s “pussy whipped”, shit like that.

So, basically, in order to be the interesting cool dudes ALOT of women (but not all, obviously) want, dudes have to withstand a lot of ridicule from other men.. which can DESTROY a man’s street cred.

So, essentially, your Man *might* just be saying shit like that to (impress his friends..cough) I mean to show his boys he’s not a “pussy whipped bitch” jusy because he has a steady girl now.

Alot of those dudes that I’m referring to are really shitty dudes.. they’re bullies.. many beat women and all sorts of shit, but this is the “nice guy” argument that too many (socially attractive) girls “reward” these assholes with sex.

I’m not talking creepy antisocial nerds, I’m just talking about self respecting men who take care of their health, don’t break laws, and would never cheat on his girlfriend.. but gets dumped for being “boring”.. for a convicted felon who bangs anything with a pulse.

Seriously. I’m more in the middle. I’ve slept with a decent amount of women, close to 40, but NEVER cheated.. and ive had 4 women i began sleeping with who LATER informed me of some boyfriend and ended it with her.

I’ve had close to 10 women who I was VERY close to sleeping with because these women were layin on the seductiveness but stopped myself because I knew they had husbands and/or fiances/boyfriends and it sickens me how many women AND men ***ing cheat. I hate cheating with a passion.

Sorry for the tangent, but anyways, in defense for your boyfriend.. many, MANY dudes will say shit to other guys to protect their rep, not appear soft or gay, etc. ALSO.. if these other dudes sense weakness, many of them will attempt to steal his girlfriend which is NOT what he wants either.

However, it is totally possible he doesn’t give a shit about you, but unless you have some real evidence, look at his actions, not words & as for insecurities.. Its best to become outcome independent sooner than later.

The part about whether you and he are a good match is for you to decide, not any of your friends or the internet.. that relationship is for you and him.

Reply February 10, 2013, 11:33 am


Do u think as a man that he would still say those things to not look like a pussy even though he has been friends with this dude for like 20 years? Again, sorry for breaking up the messages but its hard to type here from my phone. I hope you are right that he is just trying to not look like a pussy in front of his boy. It just sucks that I do not want to continue to look through his things but how do I know the truth of who he talks to and if he still flirts inappropriately with other women? I don’t want to be the psycho chick looking through his things but how do u find out otherwise? People say just trust or get out but people truly in love know its not that easy especially nowadays. I don’t have evidence but let’s face it… the world we live in is full of temptation and a lot of times u think u know someone and don’t. I hate cheaters and I’ve been hurt before. Why hurt someone if u care for them? It seems as if cheaters are too selfish and unable to suppress their desire to sleep with other people. I get it… we are human but y be in a relationship if u can’t resist temptation. Be freaking single and save someone the heart break.

Reply February 10, 2013, 4:46 pm


That was honestly the best explanation I could have asked for. I know inside that all this is true but in the heat of the moment my emotions seem to have more control.

Reply February 3, 2013, 4:34 pm


If the guy/girl is a known cheater, that’s a HUGE “red flag”. Keep looking.

I’ll offer a guy’s perspective on flirting thought. All I will say is, it’s natural to flirt, I think.

If your man talks to other women, that just means you have an attractive, sexy, fun type guy. Like me! However, if you want to stay with him, you need to let him know your expectations and be understanding of his.

Many women will tell their men he can go to a strip club, they’ll even go with him if he likes that, but they tell him he better come back home to her.

I totally do not give a rats ass if my girlfriend flirts with other guys for fun, I think it’s totally insecure to “get emotional” about a little flirting, as long as it’s tasteful [ie. maybe talkin’ some trash but not grinding her a$$ on a dudes shlong on a dancefloor, that’s slutty] & as long as she doesn’t get carried away and makes it clear to him she’s *not available* and comes back to me, OK. Also, she had better not try to make me jealous intentionally, that’s head games and I’ll tell her not to do it again or if I see it again, I’m going to start looking for her replacement, no extra chances.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me tiwce, shame on me. Don’t be a fool either. I’ve given two girls ever a 2nd chance. They both blew it. One, I gave a third chance, she decimated it. So, women get no second chances on “deal breaker” scenarios.

Some people “feel” this approach as “too nice” and expect alpha dudes/women to be controlling. I think it’s fair to trust, because I too want to flirt with women, but I think of it as “practicing” and keeping my skills sharp for my woman. I started to get closer to go “zero tolerance” for a while, but then you’re dumping women *a lot* because they like to be flirtaceous.

Two ex girlfriends ogo of mine would go apeshit though because I had Skype on my phone and knew I used to skype my ex girl who lived in Florida 900 miles away, even though I just got nutritional information from her.

She also got jealous of a girl who posted on my Facebook occasionally who I went to college with. That girl was and still is strictly a friend, I never even slept with that girl. She also was married, with two kids, and lives two states away and I’ve always known I’d never date her.

So, it’s silly sometimes what people assume.

However, even now, with my current girlfriend, I still flirt. I do it in front of her the same as I would when she’s not there. Only verbally and maybe sly looks, never geting physically though. Why? Again, it keeps my “game” good, if you will, and keeps me “grounded”. I’m perfectly happy with my girlfriend now and I wouldn’t cheat on her. I’d end it with her if I was truly unhappy and she wasn’t meeting my needs, as that one guy wrote.

Just make it clear to him, verbally, that you don’t like it and ask him why he feels he *needs* to do it. Don’t “provide him with a reason/an answer” by asking him with an assumption of why, ie. “Why do you flirt, is it just to keep your game good?” It’s too easy then for him to say, “yeah, that’s totally the reason baby. i totally care about you”. Just ask him why he feels the need to flirt? Then listen.

If he’s flirting with other women if it’s just to keep his game good for you and because he likes a little challenge, “just to see if he’s still got it”, or something like that, then tell him, OK, but tll him you have a zero tolerance for cheating so if he does, it’s over.

Then see how he acts, because I know plenty of men who just want to bang women and don’t make that clear, they lie about it to keep a girl on the hook while they play the field knowing that’s what the stereotype is of men, that’s a guy who’s done that so many times, that’s all he knows, and like that one guy said, you’re not going to change someone and maintain a healthy emotional connection, trust me, I’ve tried, you just push them away.

That’s what you want to avoid is being an “option” for someone, “in a relationship.” If you both are “dating” and it’s clear you’re both shopping around, then OK. If you both agree to be exclusive, not OK. If I’m not exlcusive with a woman, I assume at minimum that she could be dating other men and just focus on enjoying what time I spend with her and continue meeting and seeing other women until i either want to be exclusive or she does. Then we either agree or end it.

If it’s exclusive, that’s different. You *both* made that choice.

If you meet a guy and early on, he tells you, “I don’t want a relationship” or something, unless you want a no strings attached f-buddy, tell him that’s not what you want. Tell him if he keeps seeing you he needs to know that unless you’re exclusive, you’ll be seeing other men too, but if you want him to commit, you damn well better be ready yourself.

However, you should consider some of what that one guy mentioned above, not so muh that you’re doing thingswrong, but if you know he’s just flirting and DOES NOT cheat.. then, maybe you’re not satisfying his sexual needs quite as much as he desires.

*Sometimes* he wants you to “initiate” too and flirt with him a bit before he takes the lead. Sometimes, he wants you to rip his clothes off or unzip his pants after a hard day at work and give him something to get his mind off stressful sh!t. I know I’d like that. It makes a guy “feel like a man” when his woman does things like this.

Women and men get tired of the same partner, sometimes only one is willing to “spice it up”. If he’s honest and says he cares about you but he’d like to spice it up a little or something, maybe he wants you to initiate a bit. Some women get really insecure about how they feel about their bodies and things, they don’t “feel” attractive and are gauging some of it off how much their man initiates sex without considering if they could also try a few things.

If you want to test the waters, flirt with him a little. Try to remember what you did when you first met to attract him. Go get you hair did, get your nails done, get a hot new outfit or something and throw him some indicators and see if he gets fired up for you still. Send us a text at work and say, “Wait ’til you get home” and then don’t respond to any inquiries, but rock our world when we get home.

Sometimes, it gets too plain. I got bored with an ex who would just lay nude on the bed and say something like “just do what you want to me”. That’s cool sometimes, but not every night. Sometimes, guys want to see some new underwear or have you jump in the shower with us or we come home and you’re wearing just an apron in the kitchen or something.

It takes two to tango, so don’t assume you’re doing all you can and it’s all on him.

If you’re not giving us quality sex, we’ll find it, and there’s other women who will.

If *you’re* not interested in sex with us, tell us straight up to start looking for another woman to get it from, men hate wasting their time.

My 2 cents.

Reply November 19, 2012, 10:00 am


First of all flirting in front of your woman is disrespectful. More props to her for being cool with that.
I just ended it with my man the second time because of this. I broke up with him the first time because he was flirting with some women and making some of them believe he was pursuing a friendly relationship with them knowing fully well these women want more. He loved the thrill of being wanted and knowing he still got it. Although I did not physically catch him have sex with them, I told him what my boundaries were and when he did it again I broke it off. It was painful. After two yrs of trying to understand him and cut him some slack, I just knew it wasnt what I wanted.
We started talking again after 7 mths and talked through all the issues. There wasnt really any aggressive effort from him to have me back other than rants of why I did it to us. Finally last week he broke down and apologized for all his stupid ways and applaud me for doing everything. I almost cried hearing him open up. Then the next day he did not call. I called and he told me he was waiting for who will call first and then even said that he went to sleep at a female friend house the night we spoke because he was bored and the house always make him miss me. I was like hmm swallowed it and we kept talking but it bothered me. I asked why he will tell me such a thing after a wonderful moment and he said he does it all the time to see if he still have this control where he can turn a female down and he was really excited telling me this like I am supposed to be proud of him.
Well that was it, this man will never change. I called him the next day and told him if he didnt want me there is no need for him taking me though the emotional roller coaster. He responded we are just friends and we are not in a relationship. Hmm wow an eye opener, so friends tell their friends they love them. Well so long for me assuming he has changed. I’m done with him. Men like you got issues. Period!

Reply November 27, 2012, 12:37 am


Yeah, men do have issues, but I will not give up. It just sucks to have to go through this, I know! But, we’ll find someone to be totally down for us, and not take the bait! It’s their issues, not ours!

Reply November 28, 2012, 5:23 pm


It’s fine.

I was aware my post would likely draw criticism.

Merely looked to offer perspective.

For the record, I’ve yet to meet the perfect person with no issues.. men and women included.

Surely, it hurts you.

So, you need to separate yourself enough to self reflect.

My words are my own experiences.

Not that I should need to qualify myself, but studying dating and relationships has been a huge interest of mine for a long time.

I agree, don’t give up.

Become more selective.

Develop criteria and stick to your guns.

Reflect upon yourself (no, not saying anything is your fault) and decide what is most important to you and screen based on your criteria. Be willing to BE what you want.

Grouping me with “him” is unfair to myself, or any new prospect, but life’s not always fair so you’re fine, I’m not offended..but, it is still a fact that you are jealous. You’re “blaming” him for how YOU feel based on his actions. NOT saying you are WRONG to feel how you do, you’re not.. it’s how you feel.. but you do have choices.. the pain will reduce.. trust me, there are times when women show friendly interest and then when men make a move she doesn’t want him any more..and when we’re younger, we get angry.. i never understood this until i was hurt by a woman, but I have made conscious efforts to NOT allow past experience “penalize” new women..

Learn to generate strength from learning from your experience, generate your own happiness without needing others to generate it (but don’t alienate yourself from society to do so, or you’re missing out on opportunities to meet new people and live a fulfilling life), & learn to build confidence from within by putting yourself in challenging situations outside of your comfort zones and via friendship.

Build life lasting friendships and look for men who fit into your reality, keeping in mind, opposites attract and commonalities will give like goals and values to build upon.

Place lower importance on words and more on actions. Dated a woman who spoke less English and it’s amazing what can be communicated without words..

Reply November 28, 2012, 6:02 pm


I just wanted to update everyone on my plight. Please read my response above for a back up history of how I broke up with my unserious flirtatious man.
Well after the final break up, I had no contact with him at all. I was surprised to not hear from him. two months after the final break up, he got engaged to one of the women he was flirting with. She doesn’t even live in the States. I know of her as the clingy crying and whining one who wouldn’t let go. And this is the one he decided to settle with?

I just don’t get it. it’s been 6months and it still hurts. All types of questions keep brewing in my head Two years of dealing with BS and looking out for a man who did not have nothing when I met him. He finally gets back on his feet and walks away just like that? Was my relationship just all lies and fantasy? No, it couldn’t be. We were both planning a future together hence the reason why I was doing so much. What an ungrateful bastard. How did I allow such a thing to happen to me. I’ve never chased a man or desperately wanted one. He came after me and promised never to hurt me.

How can I start over again and give my heart to another after someone I trusted let me down and dissapointed me? What kind of insecurity makes a man so wicked. He couldn’t even call or text me to inform me of the decision he made.

The same lady he told me “we are just friends” is the one he chose to live the rest of his life with and all she did was rack up his international call bills. She was not there when he could barely pay his rent because he lost his father and job at the same time. She is much younger than me and knew he was not faithful, yet she hung in there and got my MAN. Makes me wonder, should I have hung in there a little longer. It only took him 6 mths from our first breakup and 3 mths from final break up for him to grow up? Why did he not choose me when all he knew I wanted was for him to change? I’m speechless.

Since then, I have been happy and working out more and watching my diet and making healthy choices.. I feel great but every now and then like today when I come to this kind of site and read what you all are going through, I fall back to this hopeless, bitter girl who is trying to be strong but really despises men and don’t want to ever fall in love or let anyone have my heart again.

Good luck to those of you out there trying to give men like this a chance. I hope it works out. I know what I want now. I will pay attention to actions than words because words so sweet was what this a*hole gave me and dreams were what he sold to me. I was never in his league he was threatened and knew exactly what he was doing. Tested me and broke me down instead of just being plain honest and tell me we can’t work out.

I am extra careful now. Although not completely ready to date, I am trying to open myself up to a little bit of flirting. When I am ready and meet the man I think can complete me, I will still take my time to let him be the MAN and do right by me before I trust him with my heart again.

Word to the wise- Never let a man have you until he has paid his dues and proved to you that he is worthy. Words do not prove worthiness. People can study words to know the right ones to use with you. People cannot fake actions for long. When you meet the RIGHT one, you will know and it will be so unreal you almost want to doubt yourself.

Hang in there Lovebirds. Love doesn’t hurt, wrong people hurt you.

April 25, 2013, 9:29 am


Okay, so what do I do? I recently went to a party with my boyfriend (been together about 1 +year / has a history of horrible cheating w/ past girlfriends, and is always accusing ME of cheating) and my newly single cousin– She’s attractive / kinda a hoe too, but hides it well. So we go to a party, and 1) we’re all dancing together, and she felt offended, and had to stop my “boyfriend” from “touching her thigh”. 2)She kisses him on the cheek at some point during the evening. 3) She asked my boyfriend and I to kiss in front of her at one point (WEIRD) Then I see his hand on her lower back at one point, and caught him looking at her. Of course, the next day, nobody remembers because they were drinking. Please help!? I think I’ve got the answer, but just need confirmation. They both seriously creeped me out, and especially with his past, and I know MY COUSIN! But it was alot of chemisty going on that night. Thanks, All!

Reply November 11, 2012, 1:32 am


Funny enough, this is EXACTLY what I was looking for in the first place. I mean my boyfriend isn’t a “sexy conversation with other women” type, but he does impulsively flirt with the majority of women. No, what I was looking for that was answered with this article was the second part where you talked about changing people, insecurities, and personalities. In some ways it’s like you knew us and answered my questions.

For starters, am I insecure? Yes, very, for multiple reasons that my boyfriend’s aware of. In addition, my boyfriend was the type that played the field, even when we met which is why I was so absolutely reluctant to agree to being in a relationship with him. What my problem is, is that I don’t want to believe he has any desire to change, especially not for me, but everything he’s doing has been showing he wants to. For example, I’m his first girlfriend, when he knows something bothers me, he talks about it, when my friends give him advice (since he doesn’t always know how to act in some situations) he listens. Through all of it though, I don’t want to believe him, but he’s been nothing but kind and sweet to me. An issue I have is that with tolerance, I have a hard time determining what my “limits” are as I’ve never explicitly talked about them, and I tend to be a very accepting and forgiving person. Enough so that my best friend tells me I can be sugar coated sometimes.

Anyways! I’m blathering on and on. My point was that somehow this article answered all of my questions in one go, and assuming I understand this (and a couple other articles I read) correctly, it’s generally a good idea not to over analyze things that men do and give them space to come and go as they please, at least regarding friends and things like that. Rather than feeling like it’s necessary that they spend a set amount of time with their girlfriend? I’m hoping I read that right, now I’m starting to doubt myself! Thank you :)

Reply November 6, 2012, 2:09 am


I am a year into it with a guy who moved 3 hours from his home town to be with me. He had a traumatic child hood of losing his mother at a young age and having horrible step moms. Since he moved here he doesn’t want sex. We had great sex before the move. He is committed and we are together all the time. I recently found that he was having multiple online chats and messages and photos with women very explicitly and sexual.The way he was with me before the move. He says he needs the ego boost and is addicted to the attention. I feel that is his insecurity of feeling unwanted and I would be fine witht he validation seeking if we were having sex. At first I thought he was gay but he obviously is not. We have had sex 1 time in 8 months and I love him dearly. We have so much fun togehter and get along like I never have with anyone. He says he felt guilty about what he was doing and could not have sex with me because of it. My fear is there is a deep rooted issue relating me to a comfort like his mom or a companion. He said he never thought he would have a women like me and constantly tells me he loves me. We are affectionate but no cookie. (excuses). While he moved here to be with me he has not let his other place go and has not moved here except clothes and job. He hasnt even moved his mail. He says he doesn’t feel this is his home because I have threatened to kick him out. I literally try to discuss this issue and it gets dismissed. I don’t want to lose him but I am afraid that is becoming my only option. Someone please shed some light for me.

Reply October 15, 2012, 9:16 am


The man has some serious issues because of a trauma. If he says he loves you, believe him. Go to a therapist with him

Reply November 13, 2012, 2:25 am


Too funny regarding the 15 year old..similiar experience with my 18 year old niece. SHe met my boyfriend for the first time. He is absolutely gorgouse. He looks like a perfect bonde hair blue eyed cyborg but he is Russian. Sort of like the guy from Rocky movie. So. we are in the living room at her house visting my sister. She walks in with shorts. That is normal, but all of the sudden she wants to show off all the splits she can do and flinging her head with her hair going everywhere. I thought this little monster. She then began dancing in front of my boyfriend to a video on TV. I mean hey, she is my niece and I love her, but I know when someone is flirting with my man. She dances and then I get up and dance and had to show this young chick how its done. I mean I am hot and sexy, and I am one of the luck women who get better with age, so this 18 year old had nothing on me. IT’s just weird or lines can be crossed at times. I just never expected anything like that form her.

Reply October 11, 2012, 10:12 am


My boyfriend admitted he was flirting with other girls on FB, girls from his old HS. We haven’t been connecting as much as before so he said maybe he flirted because of that. He told me because i confronted him about a comment he made on a girls wall. I noticed he called one of them wifey, he asked that one girl to “kick it” when he found out she lived literately down the street. Today i asked him if he has ever met with any of them, how he flirted, how far did he go with the flirting….i genuinely trust he will give me an honest response. He said he never met with any of them and he never flirted with the intentions to cheat on me, physically nor emotionally. We been together for a little over a year. Ever since he admitted he flirted…like 3 weeks ago, i been asking questions to clarify the situation here and there (like 3 times ives asked at most this past weeks). I want to move forward but i want closure regarding this situation…he told me today after asking him a question regarding the flirting n he said “i am so annoyed you keep bringing this up again and again, im trying to move forward” he continued by saying “i rather watch football and study then talk about this issue”. I admit i dont trust him the way i used to, im the kind of person that doesnt trust people off the batt and when i do, i do it blindly, i trusted him blindly, i have never thought he would ever give me a reason to think he would be capable of cheating, but after he admitted to flirting only because i confronted him, now i do not have the same trust. Just this week he liked a girls picture, a girl that is one of many girls he flirted with, he makes me feel like he still flirting. I know he thinks his trying to fix the situation although he hasn’t done much, his just being his old self, but liking a pic of a girl he flirted with is a dumb move. I told him it bothered me and he got bothered that it bothered me that much. Until i explained in detail why it did. I feel like he thinks because he apologized about the flirting that i shoudn’t bring anything about it up again. I have questions that i feel need answer to close the issue and move forward but he cant seem to answer them without getting bothered..he thinks because he can move forward then i should to just like him. He is the one that flirted and im the one trying really hard to trust him and yet it seems things should be on his terms and i should be moving on at the same pace he is. Doesnt he realize is not that easy? what should i do?? Am i over thinking (which is what he likes saying i do a lot) and maybe i should just drop it? although i still have questions that leave me with doubts?

Reply September 23, 2012, 9:46 pm


I too have had this situation arise recently. My bf and I have been together 2 1/2 years. He recently deactivated his FB account and told me his password. I looked at his old messages and found he was heavily and inappropriately flirting with 6 different women from his hs days during a 3 week period of time we were apart a year and a half ago. He had disable his FB account shortly after I came back
In town. The horrible and difficult thing is that he actually did go out with one of the women!! I was devastated as I truly felt secure in our relationship. When I confronted him he admitted to everything and said he was ashamed and embarrassed which is why e deactivated account in first place. I have trusted him fully in what he has tOld me because it wasn’t pretty and I have decided to continue our relationship which I believe is and will be strOnger than ever. The pain and humiliation of looking like a fool is very real and hard to move on from but my BF has accepted accountability and has DELELTED his FB permanently because he said our relationship was worth more. At time of flirtation and cheating (going out w other woman) he said he was fearful of commitment and went on an all raging eff up virtual road trip. I think it’s fair that you are hurt and untrusting and your guy needs tO allow you your questioning his every word. One time sorry is not enough if he truly recognizes what he did to you emotionally and to you relationship l. If he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore then before you are ready for clOsure then I believe that’s all the answer you need. Good luck, I wish
You the best and know you are not alone!

Reply October 24, 2012, 7:58 pm


This is a great article. I personally have this situation with a dude, and I realized all dudes flirt. Even if they have company. Even if the girlfriend is smoking hot and the flirt is not. They do it because they can, and since you won’t leave them for that, they will keep doing it. So, you leave a man who flirts, and the next guy will flirt as well probably. So, you only have a few options
1. Try lesbianism because all men flirt, even in relationships
2. Try flirting too, but not with him around. It’s worth to cheat also !
3. Try to accept it and live with it

Reply September 20, 2012, 1:22 am


Okay! So my bf is 34 and this little girl is 15. So we go over to his friends house and his ex girlfriends daughter was there she lives with him. Anyways we leave and go back next thing you know she wearing a very short little dress before that she was wearing a tee and shorts. My boyfriend was outside with his friend and she goes outside right away as soon as I go inside but she came back in asking me where did they go. Didn’t answer her because I didn’t know lol anyways she’s giggling saying I’m not going to wear this today I don’t know why I put it on. Anyways she’s prouncing around for awhile in front of us while we are watching tv which is annoying me. So every time he walks by her she’s playfully fighting with him, swears at him and giggles. Trying to share her food with him basically telling him taste this. But he keeps saying no and she continuously Bugs him. So anyways we stayed at his friends all day and we were watching tv she was sitting on the other couch every time he walks by her she kicks her feet up in front of him. Constantly doing this so she kicks him and he’s like did you just kick me and she’s like I didn’t try kick your balls :/ I’m like what? And she put her foot out in front of him kept bugging him to rub her foot? She’s always watching him I’m serious it’s weird… Anyways let me know what you guys think…. I really don’t know how they are when I’m not around….. How should I talk to him about this I find it inappropriate also while she was bugging him to rub her foot he’s like yeah it’s not happening and she says what I rubbed your back and I’m like what? He’s like no you didn’t! She’s like yeah when you were drunk.. Ugh! Anyways is this kid flirting with my boyfriend and he’s allowing it to happen?

Reply September 17, 2012, 3:34 pm


Yeah I do believe she is flirting with your boyfriend. However I wouldn’t be too much up in arms, he doesn’t seem to be reciprocating and it seems obvious that he’s bugged by it too. Just pull her aside one day and tell her tell that what she’s doing isn’t cute or funny, and that she should focus on nabbing guys who are single and her own age. I mean she’s fifteen, and I doubt she poses as a legitimate threat to your relationship.

Reply September 17, 2012, 4:07 pm


Yup. She’s flirting & lying most likely.
Most dudes I know think like this “..if she isn’t 18, that’s 25 to life in a federal pen.. it’s just not worth it and there are plenty “of age”, ie “legal”, women. Unless your man is a total asshole (& I’m not saying he is or isn’t because I don’t know him) chances are he’s legit and not doing anything shady with a 15 year old. I think your guy is normal & she is just trying to make you jealous to split you two up (potentially) by trying to get you to react, blow up on your BF and potentially sabotage your relationship.. if you women notice, this is how a “child” acts.. if you still act like this girl and you’re an adult.. you may have issues

Reply March 5, 2013, 3:26 pm


Question1: Hey, if a guy was flirting with a girl how would the conversation go?
Question2: I’m shy around guys and everything i say in my head doesn’t come out of my mouth right and it makes me sound stupid or weird. How can i get better at talking to guys, any advice would be nice.

Reply September 12, 2012, 7:06 pm


Okay so I like this guy alot and he likes me alot as well, we hooked up a few times, nothing sexual… but we have come to care for each other. But here is the thing, I am in school everyday and my boyfriend goes to school with me (not guy 1) but he is the sweetest guy around. He has been there for me throw it all. But I care alot about this other dude as well, and I think I am falling in love with him but its hard, to handle this. I told my bf that I hung out with the dude, but I had forgot to tell him about us kissing in his car and all the other few things we did. I feel bad about it but I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. But I don’t want to lose (guy1) either.
I feel bad about keepin this a secert from them, there is only one other person who knows about this and thats my bestfriend. She is like it’s okay, but I am always feeling bad about this. What should I do? Please help?!
Broken-Heart- Ms!

Reply September 12, 2012, 9:06 am


This is great Eric ! I agree ! I do wonder though, that after setting the boundary with your guy ,wont he just go underground with his flirting and sexy talk ?? and find ways of carrying on carrying on without ‘me’ knowing ??! Oh my trust oh my trust where have you gone ?! lol ! ;) I am not with anyone right now but i have been in this situation before … !

Reply September 8, 2012, 4:01 am


this is so true

Reply September 7, 2012, 12:07 pm


I love this because I am on the other side of the equation. I love to flirt by nature and when I was in other relationships I got punished a lot for my flirting behavior and obviously those relationships didn’t worked. My actual BF understand that I love flirting and he actually encourage me to do it BC he gets excited when he sees me doing my “thing”. We have a great relationship, I am not missing anything and if he asked me to stop doing it, I would, but a part of me will die with it, and most likely our relationship won’t be the same.

Reply September 6, 2012, 5:12 pm


I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2+ years. I recently went to use the iPad and noticed he started up conversations with 5 women. Included in these messages were personal details about our relationship. Matters we haven’t even discussed yet. Inviting girls to events that he hasn’t asked me to go to. Starting up convos with ex-flings. Etc. AND these messages were sent from my house. Possibly even after we were intimate. This in my opinion is first tier cheating.

I’m ready to confront. I feel this is untrustworthy and shady. And causes too much stress. I have a daughter to raise and If this were her……. i’d tell her to run….as fast as she could.

Its confusing…… in front of our family and friends he expresses how much he loves me and how great everything is. He is def a busy man and goes out of his way to please me….and be there. BUT the chats with other women bug the crap out of me. This is a boundary i want to set ASAP.

Can it just be that he is not ready to be tied down? That he is on his way to being unfaithful? Or are you going to tell me he has issues and should see a shrink??? LOL ;)

Any insight to the male mind would be great.

Reply September 4, 2012, 11:23 pm


This article works for women readers because a majority of women who are reading this stuff are struggling with creating and enforcing boundaries they create (as per the article). Which is why a lot of women are so appreciative of this article, which instead of addressing the issue of the lack of respect given by the man, sets the adjustments needing to made by the women, i.e. lighten up. Men are appreciative of this article because it enforces the negative behavior publically, therefore… it must be right.
Plain and simple, if a man feels the need to get his attentions from another women, other than his significant other, physically or emotionally he probably should not be in a relationship. Jealousy, is a natural emotion to give women a HINT, that something is wrong. Of course, all emotions can be blown out of proportion, however one should not exclude the emotion all together… besides, women were blessed with intuition for a reason. If you’re coming to find the answers to questions ANSWERED by a man, you’re probably going to get the same un bias opinion by a man.
If you feel like you’re not happy. Find someone else who makes you happy. I think we can all agree on that.

Reply August 27, 2012, 11:40 am

Elizabeth McGreevy, Austin

I think you writing “I give him everything” is the key. It seems as though you feel like you give and you give, but he’s not giving you what you want or need.

Reply August 16, 2012, 12:26 am

amin dudua

I am sorry but this is just a load of tosh. I do not understand why everyone is saying, ooohh, how helpful and so on. Understanding? Understand what? Why should she understand? Why can he not be the one to understand. My dear, if he does not care enough about you to take your feelings into consideration, you are wasting your time. Listen to yourself and how you feel about this because if it makes you unhappy and you go down the road of understanding (or try to), you will never understand. The one thing that can be said for Eric’s post is this: know your boundaries and enforce them. Be happy, for you. Do not waste time with a drainer. Go for a radiator, someone who brings out the best in you and has your best interests at heart. Does not sound to me like the man you are talking about gives a hoot about you. Stop kidding yourself and live your life. Life is too short, sweetie!!!

Reply August 13, 2012, 4:24 pm

Eric Charles

I think you summed it all up with: “I do not understand why everyone is saying, ooohh, how helpful and so on.”

Reply August 14, 2012, 12:18 am

Elizabeth McGreevy, Austin


Reply August 16, 2012, 12:16 am


like x100

Reply September 1, 2012, 9:41 am



Reply September 10, 2012, 9:10 am

load of crap

Thank you admin dudua you hit the nail right on the head! This guy is flirting and cheating and she is kidding herself if she thinks otherwise! Clearly the man has overstepped the boundaries because she is not happy or else she wouldn’t be asking. I truly feel for her because I had a boyfriend who flirted and asked other women to kick it with him all the time. Gave out his phone number so they could text and meet up but told me it was all innocent! What a load of crap! Stop wasting your time and do let the door nob hit his asss!!@## on the way out!

Reply October 21, 2012, 9:59 pm

eta cross

This post is so helpful. It’s like you’re echoing what my boyfriend is saying to explain his behavior. Now, after many times of finding out his flirtations, I decided I really need get some space for us. I realized I still have trust, self-esteem and rationalization issues I have to work on alone to determine if we can move forward our relationship. It’s sad though because per our last talk, we were already planning to get married next year. I think people have to do some letting go to know who’s willing to go back then stay for keeps. First day without him. Cheers to me.

Reply August 5, 2012, 8:32 pm


girl shows no interest in me and flirt with my friend in front of me then when he’s not around flirts with me. I dont understand what should i do?

Reply August 5, 2012, 8:57 am


I cannot express to you how unbelievably thankful I am that you wrote this. I’m gay and I tend to go in and out of this nagging feeling of insecurity when I “notice” (more like creep on) even the slightest signs of flirtation between my boyfriend and others. The deal with me however is that it’s not that he seeks flirtation out, but that the guys flirt with him and even make obvious comments of attraction. We aren’t friends on facebook due to previous fights about this issue. He’s told me that the reason he fell in love with me was because I wasn’t like other guys and that I trusted him and didn’t doubt his devotion, which I pride myself on being most times. It’s just that sometimes my insecurities get the best of me and I see these other guys as a threat when all my boyfriend does is “like” their comments about a photo of his on facebook, and he doesn’t even reciprocate! I know I’m being completely ridiculous but it’s almost like an addiction in that I almost revel in this self-pity. I’ve learned not to point it out to him anymore as I understand this is something I need to work on myself, seeing as how I cannot control other people’s actions whatsoever. Reading your post has allowed me to realize that this is not personal at all, that my boyfriend is an attractive man, and that I need to maintain the confidence and personality that he fell in love with. I don’t consider myself unnattractive, but I know I need to stop with this jealousy and comparison. It could very well be a subconcious need for affirmation, perhaps on both parts.

Again, a million thanks for posting this. I’ll remember this if I’m feeling low in the future.

Reply August 3, 2012, 5:11 pm


Thank you! I have been stressing to the point of not eating over my boyfriend’s flirtatious nature. I am constantly on his Facebook and every comment ate at me. I cried a lot. However, I didn’t confront him, because he explained to me that it was the reason why a lot of his relationships didn’t work: girls were jealous and complained about his interactions with other girls. I also didn’t want him to think I wanted to or was trying to change him, another big reason he told me resulted in failed relationships. I was scared, so I bottled up the hurt and let it hurt me instead. However, reading this article has made me approach the situation and look at it more realistically and maturely. I stopped blaming myself for not being enough and am now looking at it from a perspective of what it does for him and why he does it, without factoring the part about why he does it when he has me, why he’s okay with hurting me like this, why doesn’t he care enough… etc. Again, thank you so much.

Reply July 27, 2012, 12:33 pm


You have no clue how much this post helped me.

I’ve never really looked at my boyfriend’s social networking pages intently until I found a whole twitter where he was hitting on hot girls. Pointing out how beautiful they are, them responding back. It was sick to me.

So, I took matters into my own hands. Started hitting on men, went out on a date or two. And made sure he’d be able to see it.

And, he didn’t take it very well… He accused me of cheating, which I thought was funny because I thought he was. I mean, he had an entire Twitter where he hit on girls!

I then pointed out his twitter account to him, was honest that it irked me. And, to me, his flirtations felt like cheating. I didn’t feel special about anything he said to me because someone elsewhere got comments about how pretty they were.

Then, he let a side of him show that I’ve never seen. He told me that he needs “constant affirmation that he’s okay.” And the flirting helps him combat that.

Honestly, I never really thought that I was the confident one in this relationship until this point. I’ve never really had the need to be affirmed in anything.

The flirting was not about me, was not about him trying to cheat on me or anything about me for that matter.

However, I did decide that we needed a break to look over things. If he wasn’t confident, maybe he needed time for himself to get to that point. You know? Because I’m not really one to put up with poor behavior. I think if you need self-assurance, you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings in the process.

For a week, I’d get nothing but calls and “I’m sorry” voicemails and “I miss you” texts. And, in the back of my head, I could feel his insecurities.

I understood that the flirting wasn’t about him wanting to actively go out and have sex with other women. It was because he didn’t feel good enough about himself even just for himself.

Still, to say that I’m unsure about things and where I stand would be an understatement. I told him that it was okay if he flirted with others. Just not to the extent of asking them out.

We’re back together, and working through things.

I told him that if I did catch him flirting too much, that I would want to break up again. And he understands this. I think he does.

But, this post helped me to understand that most people seek out affirmation. For him, it’s that he’s not attractive enough. For me, it’s probably something else out there.

It’s really hard to forgive people, but how else can we help one another in a relationship? Or in life for that matter!

I’m sorry, this was probably too long!

Reply July 2, 2012, 8:54 am

amin dudua

You go girl. Boundaries and enforcement. This is the problem everywhere, not just in relationships. You can have all the rules you want etc but if you are unable to enforce them or do not, nobody will take your rules seriously. It’s a fact of life, love, politics etc And your post is not too long. I enjoyed reading it!! Kudos to you!!!

Reply August 13, 2012, 4:34 pm


You are the best relationship coach/blogger out there. Your blend of sass, sensibility, psychology, and hard-knocks experience is brilliant (and very helpful). When is the book coming out?

Reply June 10, 2012, 1:34 am

Eric Charles

Thanks so much Joyce – I really appreciate that. The book is coming out soon… getting the final things in place to sell it has been a long process, but we’re very close.

Reply June 11, 2012, 2:44 am


Eric – Dude! I *SO* want to be like you!

Reply June 4, 2012, 5:27 pm

Eric Charles

Haha… you could be, man. The audience here likes your feedback and I’m always glad to see when you’ve posted a comment. I’d give you a shout out if you ever started your own thing. In the meantime, I’m glad to have you around dude.

Reply June 5, 2012, 8:47 pm


Hi Eric, I am unable to write to you in separate post. So please ans me and I would be glad to hear back from you on this relationship issue that I am going through. I have been in a relationship with a guy I met at work and now he says he doesn’t find me as the same person I was , which is true I kinda get over possessive at times, and yes he did have genuine plans with me in the beginning and now he quit the company and moving to a different place or altogether to a different country of which I and he is not sure yet, for a better opportunity. It is getting difficult for me to see him go away and with he recent behavior of being in a pulled away state ( no calls , no talks , no meet ups :( hardly says could say taht he misses me or loves me ) it kills me when he just ridicules about anything regarding our relationship or in a fun way he says i have gf maybe i will go n stuff like that … and moreover now he says I do not want to get married as dt s just not the ultimatum , he says what if we end up in divorce i cant think of something like .. he says instead y dont we live in n be ourselves .. For me marriage is imp and staying wid a person for sometime i cant think of walking out of that relation would do anything to work it out any.. I need your help to get this guy back to me and let him assure me that he is with me .. well as far as I have know out of hardly spent time toghethr in entire 6 months that he is honest and not a very flashy guy. I know he does love me but the intensity has gne down now which is bothering me like hell coz yes there maybe other attraction which I am insecure about :( please I love him crazy now … I have fear of loosing him which I do not want … Please help me with the something that would give me clarity over the situation and give me strngth to work things out .. he is going out of town and returns on jun 16 and aftrwhich he plans to pack n leave frm the city where we live .. i asked him to spend a day or 2 with me so that we will have the time as he is going out of city and we dont when is the next time we would meet and he tells me taht he has to look fr the job and other stuff has to be sorted , but my point is jus obe or 2 day wouldnt hamper everything coz after i dont knw when i would see him. please suggest what to do

Reply June 6, 2012, 2:53 pm


can u please mention the city .. where u r living.. i’m a liitle shocked after reading what all you have written.. bcz smthing like this is happening with me also.. ma bf is also shifting.. aah.. same thing :( .. i know its stupid.. but i,m going through same prob these days.. m getting mad .. gv me sm details if poosible.. :( plzz..

Reply June 14, 2012, 10:48 am


me n my bf are in hyd n u ????? please tell me

June 14, 2012, 10:57 am


Saloni I dont think so it wld b my bf … as I have met him at work n I know he wouldn’t that .. and I hope we are just going through same phase … Let me know whr r u .. if u happen to be in hyd maybe we can chat up sometime … I hope things get better with u .. take good care of ur self …. :) reply me i have left my FB and gmail id fr u … maybe i can be of any help to u and I would love to do that …

June 14, 2012, 11:16 am


hehe.. big releif.. :P :).. n bw .. u left me ur id?? where.. ?? would love to be in touch with you.. :) .. temme how can i contact you… :) ”hugs” :))

Reply June 14, 2012, 3:21 pm


I don’t believe that flirting is necessarily a consequence of lack. As Eric suggested with his ex, flirting can often be about abundance… a natural joy in connecting with someone in a special way.

Nor do I believe that one person can ever be capable of meeting all of your needs. Friends and family are essential in a ‘whole’ life, and there are many ways of connecting with the various people.

The key here is that a connection with another person does not detract from your relationship, if it comes from a safe, genuine place. Love begets love! Encourage your partner to connect with people in healthy ways and watch the joy it brings both of you!

Reply May 11, 2012, 12:39 am


Or she can just go talk to the other guys….and it will make him forget about his problem and put his focus back on the girl. What bf wants you talking to another guy? its one thing if your dating a person who is just friendly and talks to anyone, but also keeps his attention on you..that you have to just accept and not take personally, but if he ignores you at parties to talk to other girls, thats a whole other story.

Reply May 2, 2012, 8:55 pm


Well, we really can’t make people understand us or even themselves especially when you fancy yourself as in love. I was once in a relationship that I felt more trapped than growing with the partnership. I was continuously reprimanded by my ex to do this, wear that and avoid doing that. At first I was very understanding since I felt that my ex was doing me a favor of telling me what’s good for me (and of course I was eager to please my ex as well) but eventually, I became too self conscious and too negative. It was a fatal blow on my part since i really consider myself a headstrong and outgoing person..but when my ex continued doing the nagging and stuff…I felt so unhappy and soon people around me became distant as well coz I was shunning them away due to my ex’s constant reprimanding. Then soon..I retaliated against my ex and the relationship..I became too distant to even care about the manipulations–I just stopped caring. Soon we broke up ( ex broke up with me, blaming me for everything..sure I admit I have had mistakes but ALL OF IT??)..and thank god!! Although the break up was a helluva ride (typical ex wanted me back and vice versa but I opted to put a stop to the cycle). Thanks to that person anyway..I learned a lot..and I have become a better person. My ex has exemplified a case of codependency and scheming manipulations that, at that time, I was too blind, deaf and mute to take in..To think that I am a psychology practitioner added to the fatal blow..darn..well, I’m not a mutant after all (haha)..

Reply May 1, 2012, 1:49 pm


I dont know where to post my question and i really would like a guy to answer it. A nuetral one so im posting it here out of desperation.
This is going to sound so weird but anyway. Ive been friends with this guy all my life and well in the cirlces he moves inter racial dating is taboo.He does care what people say but also doesnt.We started seeing eachother and things were great.Yes I knew the comments and stuff bothered him but he always came up for me. He told me then we should just be friends with benefits and i said fine but also told him if he sleeps around we should stop he agreed. Some chick showed interest in him and he told me he went to see her a few times. I told him it was over. She came to know about us and dumped him. He doesnt understand its over. He does when he is sober but he still demands to know where I am and with who. Always accusing me of being a whore, Tells me he regrets ever hooking up with me cause I am ugly ( not true so by the, Goes insane when I go out with other people saying im hurting him and im cheating on him and thats why he doesnt trust me just sick stuff like that. Firstly weve been friends all our lives and he never once was like this he was my best friend up until all of this. If it was the colour thing well he broadcasted to everyone who didnt even need to know and still does. I never hurt or betrayed or gave him reason to think this so why would he unleash all this hurt into my life and still claim he loves me when it suits him. I dnt get what I did wrong and why doesnt he leave me alone if Im such a whore. Yes intimacy was the highlight for us but still im sure he can get it somewhere else. Please tell me what is going on here.
sorry but I had to. Thanks guys

Reply April 20, 2012, 7:20 am


I agree with because I am in the same situation except for the statement which said “You chose him” No I did not choose this man flirting and sexting other women. If I had known, I will never have agreed to a relationship. It was devastating when I found out this was what he was about. I packed my bags and was ready to walk out on him that very day but he pulled me back on bended begging me to stay. I told him to try to help me understand why he is doing this. He told me “this behavior has been a part of him for a long time after his long time girlfriend broke his heart”. He promised me that he is working on it and he will change.

I made a conscious decision to stay. Like Eric said that was him calling my bluff the first time. Like Eric also said, it is better to try to understand the situation. I started snooping on him and analyzing every single email and IM messages to these women to figure out what was going on. I also went as far as contacting psychic about the situation. It all boiled down to the conclusion that he does not have any feelings for these women. He enjoys the exchange words of love and actually amuses him how so many women fall for it. Some of these women I confirmed he has never met before yet they are so in love with him and singing their undying love for him.

The next step was to figure out if I can deal with it hopefully he will change since I also found out that he was cutting them off slowly. This is too much for me. I am only one woman. Distant was already an issue. I cannot keep up with this. I had to break it off after many empty threats to walk. I relaize I was just saying it but never did. The day he actually told me I was making empty threats was when it dawned on me that I really have to put my walk into action. I am so glad I did. I feel so alive and free. It’s a narsaccistic behavior at its best. Nobody should put up with it.

After I broke up with him, I snooped again and noticed he did not even wait a week before going back to the past women and start contacting them away. This means that he was changing for me and for being there for so long. It means he wasn’t really changing for himself. Because if he was, then he will truly continue the changes even if he is to find another woman to end up with it.
I thank God I dodged a lifelong headache in my life by walking away and not fearing that I will lose him.

Reply April 20, 2012, 1:25 am


So true. I was axtually ok with my man’s flirting behavior as long as I knew it was harmelss and meant nothing until a year after he completely went out of line. We went to a party together and he was tecting another female in the same party. When he went back to his state, it wasn’t even less than a week he pays for her ticket to fly over to see him. We fought about this and did not talk for a month. I accepted him back and we never really harshed out the issue because he lied that he was doing his friend a favor.

I think that was my que to walk but because I stayed, he continued.
So I agree the minute the boundaries of honest flirting is crossed, then that becomes a problem. There is no love when there is no respect. Respect comes with love. If your partner dont care enought o respect you, he dont really love you.

Reply April 20, 2012, 1:33 am


i agree with what Eric said, another take i have because i have dated the serial flirter many times, i realized it was less about me and what i was giving to him and more about what he was lacking within himself. I think as much as women need to have confirmation of their desirability by the way other men interact or respond to them, men need this too. It’s like this…when i think of why i don’t like when my boyfriend is flirting with other woman, it is because i feel when he says things to me that confirm my desirability, the words become meaningless when you hear him saying them to other women whether it be sexy talk or something deeper. Im not saying that we should provide our own validation and be responsible for our own confidence, because that is important, but im also being a realist in saying that we gauge our desirability on how people respond to us, so from time to time we test our effectiveness our on other people, we flirt, if the flirting is reciprocated we are still desirable…its not as simple as i described, but generally this is the idea in most cases…We are social creatures and its almost impossible to not flirt with the opposite sex. Im trying to point out here that flirting in general is harmless…it gets problematic if the flirting becomes inappropriate, for example, if hes not just talking about sex in general with someone else, but he is talking about having sex with the person who isnt his girlfriend, or if he is suggesting they meet up, those are all unacceptable acts, because it becomes less about validation of desirability (an innate need in all of us) and more about conquest and lack of respect for their partner…an intent to cheat is completely different than flirting…this is just my very simplistic interpretation of the flirting topic

Reply April 19, 2012, 5:40 pm


thank you for this post. honestly, thank you, you’ve just opened my eyes on the issue…

Reply April 18, 2012, 7:53 am

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