Ask a Guy: Why Is It Always the Girl’s Fault? post image

Ask a Guy: Why Is It Always the Girl’s Fault?


I have noticed that you guys (and most dating advice sites, actually) focus a lot on things women do, but do you send men emails to help them with things? It just seems like women are somehow always the problem. It should go both ways to help a relationship, shouldn’t it?

Why is it that women are the ones who have to work on making the relationship better? 

Believe it or not, when I started out with the whole dating advice thing, I worked with men exclusively.

In fact, my thought was, “My god… guys REALLY need dating advice… women have this all figured out but the guys… wow… this is heart-breaking.”

The vast majority of men just want to meet a girl they can fall in love with who will love them back.  They want to meet that one special girl and settle down with her.  The vast majority do not want to be the player-type that’s crammed down everyone’s throat by the media.

As for being into dating advice, men seek it desperately.  The dating advice for men niche is ENORMOUS compared to the woman’s dating advice niche.

The thing is – men seek their dating advice very privately.  They don’t want anyone to know they are seeking dating advice help.  Men would be less embarrassed having their mother walk in while they were looking at porn than having someone they know find out they sought dating advice.

Why?  Because seeking dating advice help to most men feels like a defeat… like they are some kind of loser.

A fraction of men are more open minded and look at learning to be great in relationship as just another life area to be educated in, like fitness or finance.  But this is few and far between.

Make no mistake though – men are terrified of being trapped in a bad relationship, not being good enough, not being attractive to the woman they want, ending up alone or being cheated on by an ungrateful/unfulfilled spouse.  Men have these fears and desperately want to know how to never end up in that place.

In today’s society and culture, it is readily acceptable to blame a man or hate a man or condemn a man… simply because he’s a man.  There’s this air that men have bad intentions and are out to take advantage of women.

The truth is that only a very, very, very small percentage of men are scumbags in the dating world.  Most are great guys who just want to love and be loved… but women have been so traumatized by myths about what is going on in a man’s mind that they suspect that these good men have bad intentions.

There are forums all over the internet of men privately and anonymously pouring their heart and soul out there, hoping that someone can answer their dating question.

They talk about their insecurities.  They talk about how they don’t feel women are attracted to them or even notice them.  They talk about how painfully shy they are or how they are deathly afraid of rejection.  They talk about how no matter how hard they try, they can’t seem to get a girlfriend or make their girl happy.

And these aren’t bottom-of-the-barrel guys.  These aren’t losers at life or freaks or weirdos.  The majority of them are normal people who just want to be happy – with themselves and with their relationship… just like you.

Funny story actually.  I once had a guy I was working with one-on-one to help him in his dating life.  He was very shy at first but we made a lot of progress together and he got way better at talking to women (and in the social scene in general).

About two months into the coaching, he’s in his office and he asks one of his female co-workers to hang out.  She says, “Sure, but do you mind if you hang out with some of my friends?  My friend Eric works with these guys to help them get over their social fears and be able to talk to women?  Can you believe that?  Can you believe that guys would need that?  Isn’t that crazy?”

I wasn’t there, but I have to imagine that he immediately broke into a sweat.  One the one hand, he’s a client of mine.  On the other, his co-worker happens to be one of my good (and hot) female friends who was just expressing her amazement with my job.  She couldn’t believe that guys needed this and she never would have guessed that she was talking to a client of mine.

The point of my story is that most men really do want to be as good as they can be in relationship, but also don’t know where to turn for help and would never want the world to know that they looked for help.  We all value relationships with the right person, but men have a lot more trouble ponying-up when they need help… but men do care.

As for A New Mode and the Ask a Guy column, the reason why I talk about what a woman can do to improve her relationship or what she could be doing wrong is simple:  This is a female audience and, in the end, you only get to control one side of the relationship–yourself.

It’s not that anyone is to blame – blame doesn’t get anyone anywhere.  No progress or improvement started with blame.

Since you can only control yourself and since you are only half of the relationship equation, the best you can do is to be the best you can be on your half.  9 times out of 10, that’s enough: your improvement spurs improvement in the overall relationship and it’s an upward spiral.  You can be the catalyst that starts the positive momentum in the relationship – by putting in better energy, you get better output.

As human beings, we’re all in this together.  Yes, there are bad men.  And there are bad women.  The majority of humans are good though.  And loving.  And desire love.

In terms of advice to women or to men… my particular brand of advice could be boiled down to this:  Find happiness within yourself and your life fully FIRST and relationships will never be a problem for you.

Hope that helps,

eric charles

60 comments… add one

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Carol Ortega

Well said. Our behavior is just going to attract the same behavior. If you act negatively in any way in relationship, you get negative reaction, and vice versa. I’m trying to not “expect” specific behavior from a man, as long as he is kind and respects me, and he and I seem happy when we are together. That’s how we treat friends, and a couple that is dating should treat each other the same way; as friends, not like property, that “you are mine ” mentality is not good. That’s where the problems come in. I’m learning a lot about my own behavior and thoughts from reading all these articles on on your website. Thank you! Carol.

Reply October 16, 2017, 12:15 pm

sam

Hi well I need edvise I told my boyfriend o couldn’t give him the cookie when he asked for it, cause of home principal’s and I’m just not ready, and he just put the blame all one and said I have someone better and and I’m not what he thought I was and wishede a nice life and never, ever talked to me ever again. I tried to call him but but he doesn’t answer, and I love him, so what must I do?

Reply June 12, 2017, 6:03 pm

cathy

Really enjoyed reading these articles and have actually learned quite a bit. I’ve always had the pleasure of feeling happy, secure and basically in control in relationships. I’m successful, attractive, and very fit at 55 so men often gravitate to me. That all changed when I met a former special forces guy, recently through his 2nd divorce, with a high level Government position. I was a wonderful girlfriend to him, feeling bad about the described mistreatment he suffered from his recent ex. Cooking for him all the time, accepting his excuses that he was too tired to go out,( though he was able, at age 63, to run at track practice, play basketball, and dance up a storm). He is a very interesting man and I felt I was lucky to be with him, (though many would look at me and say he was the lucky one). In the 4 months we dated he only took me out to dinner twice. Hard to believe I put up with it, but I was crazy about him. He was always so busy with this “important job” flying to DC, etc that I excused the fact that I was obviously not a priority. I was always feeling great when with him but insecure when he was away. Finally, he just started to fade away and I let him. At first I was miserable, but I wrote down a list of all of his negative and positive traits and discovered the negatives far outweighed the positives. Since then I’ve been reading to learn more about relationships and I’ve also decided to open myself to the universe and see what happens. I’ve met several great guys so far and one, in particular, is treating me like I want to be treated; taking me out to nice places, asking what I would like to do and then making it happen, and even giving me little gifts. I’m playing it cooler with him and enjoying the attention. Thank you for your very thoughtful articles. They have already made me realize the mistakes I made and hopefully I will avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

Reply June 2, 2017, 10:39 am

Sarah

Blaming women and an attitude that comes across as hating women is probably the reason you are still single. You may see yourself as a good guy, and I am sure in many ways you are, but look at it from a woman’s perspective. Why would you choose to be with a man who comes across like he hates women? The reason I mention this is because I had the same realisation about my own attitudes towards men. I am a feminist and believe in the importance of pursuing equality, but there is so much negativity towards men in the feminist world that it was seeping into my opinions about men during dating. I don’t hate men at all, I hate patriarchy and inequality, but I don’t hate individual men, or masculinity. I read some dating advice somewhere that asked me to view it the other way around. Would I want to date a man who had issues with women? No. So why would a man want to date a woman who has issues with men? I started to give men a break and stop assuming that they are all bad underneath, and amazingly started meeting much better men. You block yourself off from meeting other good people when your own attitudes are negative. I didn’t see this at all because I am also a good person and it was hard to admit I was in the wrong. I have now met a really lovely man who I adore and adores me and I know that wouldn’t have happened unless I was able to let go of the hatred and anger and blame.

Your vibe attracts your tribe!

Reply October 27, 2016, 6:22 am

The Truth Was Said

To Sarah, first of all with so many women that are making a very good salary do have the Worst Attitude Problem and a very Bad Personality as well unfortunately. They have no Good Manors and will Curse at us men for No Reason at all since i have come across these type of women already as well. Usually when these women are making a Six Figure Income which Changes them completely since they think that they’re God’s gift to men but they’re Not at all. I had a woman Curse at me for No Reason at all and a friend of mine had the same thing happened to him a few months after me which makes me really believe that we have so many Psycho women nowadays which makes it very scary for us Good men looking to meet a Good woman which really explains why many of us men are still Single today. Most of the women of today are Nothing at all like Most of the Good old fashioned were that were so much Different and a hell of a lot Nicer as well which made it very Easy finding Real Love in those days.

Reply October 31, 2016, 6:35 am

The Truth Was Said

Well a Very good man like me that really wanted to meet a Good woman to settle down with to have a family which i certainly Do Blame the women of today for my Singleness.

Reply October 7, 2016, 4:07 pm

TheTruthAgain

Just to add more of the Truth to my comment is that with so many women that have their Careers today which Most of them Unfortunately are so very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry which really speaks for itself why many of us Good men will really Blame the women of today why many of us are still Single and Not by choice. So many women nowadays really want the Best and will Never settle for Less since it is all about Money for them. God forbid if they ever went with a man even if he is a very Good man that makes much Less Money than they do. And when you compare the women of years ago which Most of them i would say were very old fashioned back then and were so much Better to meet at that time since Both Men And Women in those days really Struggled to make ends meat like our family members did which it really came very Easy for our family members finding Love with one another is a very Excellent Reason why many of us are here today thanks to them. And many of them are still together today as i speak which it is very Amazing too. Many of us men Unfortunately were just born at a very bad time, and had we been born at a much Earlier time which many of us definitely would have been all settled down by now with our own Good Wife And Family that many of us still Don’t have today which makes it very sad for us.

Reply April 28, 2016, 8:19 am

Jake

Guess what? Not all good women are high maintenance! There are good women out there, maybe some would say that I’m one. I am careful with my money and own my home free and clear. We do want men who are not looking for a sugar momma, just as you don’t want to be a sugar daddy. Men who have a sense of humor, groom themselves well, and don’t spend more than they earn are very attractive. Give yourself a chance; love yourself, and perhaps more good will follow…

Reply September 11, 2016, 4:22 pm

TheTruth

Women are really to Blame why there are so many of us Good men still Single today since it really does take Two to tangle.

Reply April 18, 2016, 2:45 pm

Jake

I thought the saying was “two to tango”. Oh well. When there are single groups in town with a dozen women and only one man in his 70s, it doesn’t appeal to this single lady to attend their events. They tell women to get out of the house to meet someone, and the only men who are willing to make conversation with us are most often married. Start a conversation with a woman you don’t know. Maybe she’s the one, or has a friend who is, you never know…

Reply September 11, 2016, 4:26 pm

TheTruth

Especially when there are many of us Good men that are still single today.

Reply March 13, 2016, 7:23 pm

Tara

Im 33 yrs old still single now. At this point ofy my life its nerve racking seeing relationships come and go. I dont want go through that. Heck more scared being in a relationship with a guy because hes going to force to change myself. I don’t want to change myself at all. I would never change myself for someonelse. If he forces me way i eat, dress or how i spend my money he is gone. I dated few guys try changing myself and for sure i didnt like it at all. I want fall in love and get married and have kids but i want him respect me who i am. I love myself that there no way im change my image for a man.

Reply December 12, 2015, 2:15 am

Jake

Tara,

It’s great you don’t want to change because he isn’t the right one for you. Society accepts all sorts of relationships that were not okay five, fifteen or fifty years ago. Single should be accepted as well, not as a defective state. I’ve dated guys that said I was too skinny, too fat, too this, too that. If he has something to complain about, he’s wasting your time. Spend more time with children of different ages to make sure you really want the responsibility of being a mom; that’s a lifetime commitment. Travel the world, or just the country while you are free from a relationship…if you don’t have the money, just travel locally and enjoy your freedom more.

Reply September 11, 2016, 4:33 pm

Victoria

To love means to know God because God is Love …I don’t think that we can love somebody for real and for long without knowing God . 1 Cor.13:4-8 describes Love as it should be ….and it can be only thru Him.

Reply July 17, 2015, 7:45 pm

Amy

Hi. This is great. Thank you.I have one problem with my fiance/husband to be guy. We have been together for a year and half. Things were great at the begginig he was doing everything he can to make him happy I appreicated alot. Being a woman, sometimes I would get into this mood were I would want him to do more than he was doing for me. I was comfortable enaugh to be angry at him if he does say something and doesn’t do it. After 8 month of serious dating, he started to show me some signs of distance and I felt like he was taking for granted. I got angry and started to show him my unhappy side.I even thought he was cheating. He has best friend who is himself single and can’t hold up a relationship. I feel like he gets alot of the annoying behaviour he started to show from his friend. He’s friend was advicing him to try to do this to me. Everytime I tried to talk to him over the phone to solve an argument, I feel like he is blaming me for everythting, he is rude and disrespectful and don’t want to accept his mistakes for which I dont judge him. I also feel like he connects the line to his friend to listen to our conversation because he sounds like he is showing off to someone when talk/argue over the phone. I feel like he has negative thoughts of me, he things that I will abuse and cause him stress if we get married. I don’t know if he has been in bad relationship but I feel like he just a bad view of me.God know I love and care about him, but I’m very unhappy with the lies he told me. Example being, lying to me about his whereabouts, he lied to me about this multiple times. I spoke to him about this and he does not want to accept instead he says shows something as a proof that i lied to you. To be its not that of big deal to lie on something like that but it does make me concern if there is something else he is lying to me about. I don’t know if it was to test me or not. Few more month down the road I felt like he completely change. He does not give me the time and the attention he used to give me. He gets angry and covers up when i tried to mention what he is doing that is hurting me. I asked him if he is seeing someone else he swears that he is not. I honestly feel like his friends have alot to do with his actions and I’m hurting deeply.Can you please advice on what to do?

Thank you very much.

Reply May 27, 2015, 12:08 pm

Dia

My boyfriend of two years did this very same thing. I brought it to his attention several times over the course of three months. Nothing changed so I left him. The world is too big of a place to beg 1 person to treat u right. It hurt like hell for the first two weeks but I pushed through it. I feel better than ever. I even dance in the mornings now 🙂

Reply June 22, 2016, 1:46 pm

Huguette Cooper

Why?my man of 58yrs doesn’t appreciate a young gal like myself @ age 49yrs. And he acts single while I’m home waiting for him while he laughft when he is doing his things with his toys and sister his fr that he listen. His man fr . He will always say yes! To him and always say’s no to me.
Please! I need your word of wisdom.
Tkxs Huguette

Reply December 6, 2014, 3:25 pm

Huguette Cooper

Hi.Eric
My question to you and to get advice on.
is why? Does my bf of 58yrs does not appreciate me as he young gf of 49yrs.
For the past 10yrs. He has been telling me he will get engaged with me and live tgh. And move out of his sister house once his Mom is in a Nursing Home.
Since August .his Mom is now finally in a Nursing home.
And he ignores me every week and weekend. In 10yrs he always has excuses and lies to me and he lied about engagment 4 times . He made me beleive in him when showing me the receipt for my Engament Ring and he never did it. He also says its all my fault and the verbal and mental and emotional and phsycial abuse is worse. And he mention often he wishes I was a man to put me under.
Please! Help with your words of wisdom.
Tkxs Huguette

Reply December 6, 2014, 3:15 pm

Paul

Well it is certainly their Fault why there are a lot of us Single Men today since many of them these days are very nasty to meet.

Reply October 11, 2014, 1:30 pm

queenbeetv

Well, that might be true, but be happy they showed their nastiness right off. It has saved you a lot of time. Just say, “Neexxxttt!” Maybe join a volunteer group and meet women there. People who volunteer for stuff tend to be nice. Find some cause you are interested in and find a volunteer group associated with that cause. I know you are right about these women, because as a woman, I have noticed it as well. They are not nice to other women and they are not nice to guys who they are not attracted to. Its sort of a breed of officey type snobby women. They’re pretty bad and thank God they saved you the time right off by being immediately nasty. Thank God they did not see you as a super duper hunk and then it would have taken longer for you to figure out that their true inner core was nasty. Like Jesus said, “What you do to the least of my brethren, you do to me.” You have not lost out my friend. Just go elsewhere to find a nice woman. 🙂

Reply November 4, 2014, 5:56 pm

Isa

Hi Eric: I love the emails about the inner world of men. You told us that there is a part of you that is convinced that is not deserving of love and commitment and voila ! you find girls that you like a lot that do not inspire you to marry, but because you like them a lot, you have great long term relationships. Because you are a great person you will find a great women to marry and everything is going to be great.
Men marry for several reasons, as far as I know, not only for love, and when they are marry, they do not have the same feelings as we have and it goes so far that for example my mom was marry for more than 50 years and days after their 52 years anniversary she asked him , “do you love me ?” he said ” No, I never loved you”. Heartbreak apart I told her,” He did not mean that in the way that you think, didn’t he provide and buy you this or that or those, didn’t he bring you to this place and that place and other place? wasn’t he faithfull ? wasn’t he taking pictures of you all the time telling everybody that you were his top model.? Maybe he did not express it with words but sure he showed it “. Or maybe he did not have the feelings that the imagine love is. Sooner or later any relationship will end. The question is how a woman can inspire a man to spend all his live with her and have feelings of love for her?

Reply July 30, 2014, 9:42 pm

anne

I keep getting the advice that I should bridge, keep dating quite a few guys. What happens and how to do I handle a situation when tow of the guys I am dating show up at the same get together. I have come alone.

Reply September 5, 2013, 3:46 pm

Courtney

I’m glad you posted this because I could not find the exact words to nail down this irony. All these men are supposedly so deathly afraid of rejection, yet they turn tail and run when the woman pursues. And when you say “most men really do want to be as good as they can be in relationship” they immediately shut down if a suggestion is offered – that’s “imasculating” or “unappreciative” or better yet, “women area always trying to change men.” It smells somewhat like the “men want polygamous relationships but don’t want their woman to have sex with any other men.” (In fact, I have two friends who were so thrilled that their girlfriends were cool with an open relationship, they got their cake and ate it! But the FIRST time their ladies slept with another man, the guys were crushed and the relationships ended painfully.)

I’m REALLY TRYING to learn and modify my behavior and refrain doing/saying the things this and other websites tell women are “relationship killers.” You’re totally right, the only one I can control is me. If what I’m doing isn’t working, try something else. I just have to express exasperation here…for being such “great problem solvers,” I’m struggling to see men make any changes other than dig their heels in and cry. (this is post dating, while IN a relationship). Not communicate, but pout. This is not a man-bashing post but a candid observation and yes, a generalization, because the ones who do not do this are 60+ or the few younger ones are happily married.

The unfortunate truth – you allow me to illustrate by using your advice as arguments against your defense of men – it’s still “my way or the highway” at the end of the day. Women still seem to be bending over backwards because their gender is the one that desires relationships where men are the gender that leaves after whipping out their evolutionary psychology books to prove they don’t need to change. My sense is in general, men refuse to evolve in this higher cortex world we live in, as a choice. My only hope is that men will STOP teaching their sons to be “tough” and “suck it up” but to validate their feelings and them as a person so they can eventually do the one magical thing that would save every single relationship – communicate.

(and no that doesn’t mean make them expressive, crying little boys but skills, just skills)

Reply January 5, 2013, 4:41 pm

Kate

Haha so so true Courtney. I completely and utterly agree. Eric, I’ve always been laid-back at first in my relationships until they cheated on me. Every single man I’ve been with has done. Men are just evil. Enough said. Seeing as they all cheat I have decided to stay with a cheater who claims to have turned over a leaf. All men are losers, you just have to choose which loser you can put up with

Reply September 9, 2013, 11:50 am

queenbeetv

Perhaps it’s just better to become a lesbian. At least with a strap on, you never have to worry about impotence or pregnancy. And you can get the exact size and shape that you want 🙂 (plus no toilet lids left up)

Reply November 4, 2014, 6:21 pm

queenbeetv

Courtney, what we (all of us) should be working for here, is to increase the number of males to the number of females. People are lazy in general and will take advantage of situations if they can. And men can because there are more women than men on this planet. From the get go, there are more females born than males, and because females are made better (eg their xx chromosomes can switch with each other if there’s a bad gene), more females survive infancy and young childhood. And then in the teen years, due to the tendency of males to be more reckless, the world loses more males to females in accidents. And then you add in war and we lose more males to war (either death, or bad psychological problems coming home) and we lose more males. And then, until menopause, there are more men dying from heart disease. And then after, men still die earlier than women. So we all need to be aware of working to better men’s health and longevity. It will work against men as a group because then they will not be in such demand and thus will not be able to be so lazy in relationships, but it will be better for individual men, and of course, much better for heterosexual women. Worldwide sexism is a problem too, because even in China, where they have killed off or aborted many women and there are now many more men to women, they are still treating women poorly. So we need to work both for men’s health and better treatment of women worldwide. It’s just basic economics, with more women than men, men can afford to not work at relationships, because if you don’t like it, they can easily find another woman who’ll take their crap, at least for a while…. Until they smarten up by reading websites like this one 🙂 Thanks Eric

Reply November 4, 2014, 6:18 pm

Maria

Eric thank you so much for this post, I feel like I’ve had a shift in perception. Up until today I had the belief that ‘The majority of men are out to take advantage of me and women in general’. Today I am trying a new belief on for size 🙂 It’s ‘There are alot of great guys out there who just want to be loved.’

Men and women should take responsibility for gaurding our hearts, we shouldn’t put up with being treated badly.

Reply October 14, 2012, 5:19 am

Maria

Sorry I’ve changed my new belief to ‘Most men want to love and be loved’ 🙂

Reply October 14, 2012, 5:26 am

Eric Charles

You’re welcome – I like it. 🙂

Reply October 14, 2012, 11:08 am

Helen

After being in a bad marriage for a long time and having dated many men after divorce I have accepted a few ugly truths:

There are two types of men, those who are masters at pretending to be gentlemen and those who are not and show their true colours from the beginning. Men want a “good” girl for gf or wife to bear their children, do the house work and cook and a “bad” girl for fun when they get bored with the “good” girl.

Reply October 6, 2012, 2:36 am

Country Claire

I find that women tend to seek outside counsel a lot more than men do. I know that I have checked out a blog or two when it comes to a question I have OR if I am seeking assurance for my assumption. I also find that you can never stop learning and getting a different perspective is never a bad thing. There are things I have learned on blogs et al that have really helped in how I view things. I am sure there are men that do this too, yet, overall women are the dominant seekers of information be it from friends or strangers.

Reply June 8, 2012, 9:14 am

jean

Hi Eric.
I dated this guy for 5 months. We had this amazing connection. But it ended, because he said I wasn’t appreciative of him. How can I show him I’m appreciative of him more? I want to get back with him, but whatever I say or do, he said he wants to find happiness with himself and don’t want a relationship.

Reply March 21, 2012, 9:54 pm

queenbeetv

cut your losses and move on. Either you aren’t able to be that person he wants, or he just doesn’t want you anymore. Either way, cut your losses and move on. If you ever get back together with him, he has to come after you, and it sounds like right now that you are on your way to Grovel Town and that just ain’t sexy to anyone. Take whatever crumbs of self esteem you still have and MOOOVE ONNNN!

Reply November 4, 2014, 6:28 pm

Broadway

Would like to ask a guy a question but don’t see where I can do so.

Reply February 16, 2012, 4:04 pm

Eric Charles

You need to make an account on the forum:

dating.anewmode.com

If you write your question clearly and concisely, you have a good shot at having it answered. I cannot guarantee that it will be Sabrina or I who answer, but someone will if it’s to-the-point and clear.

Hope that helps and good luck.

Reply February 16, 2012, 4:30 pm

Frederica Bimble

From the article:
‘They talk about how no matter how hard they try, they can’t seem to get a girlfriend or make their girl happy.’

Men try to ‘make their girl happy’ and that is impossible. The list would go on for days of the men I’ve met who change to try to become what they think a woman wants.
The last one I heard from, and is a very fine example, is a boxer who is ‘pretending at being a gentleman’ and even though his friends on his FB page are crass, vulgar, rude and manipulative, he is transparent in his attempts at ‘fooling a woman’ into believing he’s a gentleman. It was like he was using a manual and I could see right through it. I felt sorry for him because I met him once for a coffee and knew right then that there would never be a relationship but he sent me a few messages after (we all know how facebook is) and in one he mentioned that I could ‘take him to see a classical music concert.’ I laughed at that because I knew for sure he was going through the motions of pretending to be something he’s not in order to ‘make me happy.’
No one can make us happy but ourselves and I think that is where alot of men lose their way. They actually think they can make ‘their girl’ happy. What makes a woman happy? A guy who is honest. Shows up when he says he will and says straight up, ‘I’m not interested’ if he isn’t instead of hanging around getting sex until ‘something better comes along.’ This boxer had no interest at all in classical music but was willing to go and sit through 2 hours of it to ‘please me.’ Er, no. I wouldn’t go and sit through one of his boxing matches with the showing off and the egos on display. All that is silly to me so I would spend my time with a man who likes to read, go listen to classical music, go on adventures, likes comedies and all the other things I like.
I wouldn’t have a man who isn’t true to himself.
By the way, I used to be a woman who wasn’t true to herself so I know what it looks like and boy, do men do it alot.

Reply January 21, 2012, 8:40 pm

Eric Charles

True.
.
In regards to what makes a woman happy I would say it’s a man who is solid and secure with himself and living his MISSION. He’d like his woman to be happy, but he’s not fixated on it – he’s focused and dedicated to living his mission in life.
.
Usually when a guy is fixated on trying to make a woman happy, it’s because he’s compensating for something he feels he desperately lacks.
.
Usually it comes down to his sense of feeling like he’s a winner in the world or a loser in the world. If he feels he’s a winner, all is good and he’ll be the model male.
.
But if he feels he’s a loser in the world… watch out. Implosion is inevitable in those cases unless his self-perception flips back to thinking he’s a winner.
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Just food for thought.

Reply February 16, 2012, 4:35 pm

bygracenotmerit

Eric – I wanted to just take a moment and tell you this post is the best post I have ever read on relationships. You nailed the proverbial nail on the head. As someone who stepped back into a new relationship at 49 year of age and after a 15 year sabatical, relationships really come down to loving unconditionally – no matter what type of relationship they are. And we can only do THAT when we are true to who we are at are core and when we take full responsibility for our half.

Thank you so much for your wisdom and for sharing it.

Reply January 14, 2012, 1:58 pm

Eric Charles

Thanks so much for the comment. That means a lot to me.

Reply January 14, 2012, 2:01 pm

Emma

okai I have a bf my own age now and I really like him Alot, but my ex who is 17 wont leave me alone…. and he is like obsessed with me and he wont stop messaging me, I told him I do not want a relationship but he is always messaging my bf and saying “your girl is mine”. I am not sure if they sorted it out but I never had so much drama with two guys fighting over me… -____________- and I don’t want anyone to get physically or mentally get hurt.

Reply January 5, 2012, 11:14 pm

Frederica Bimble

They aren’t ‘fighting over you’ they’re showing off for each other. Perhaps you should suggest they date each other.

Reply January 21, 2012, 8:43 pm

Savanna

Ok, soI dated this guy I had had a crush on for a a few years. He would tell me things like, “I love you. I want to make you happy. I want to spend a long, long time together.” and stuff like that early on. I felt the same way so for awhile everything was great. Then he dumps me, only telling me he thinks we shouldjust be friends for now. A few months later he asked me out again, and snce my feelings for him hadnt changed, I said yes again. Then in the beginning for a while he started saying stuff just like before. Then one day he stopped and became more distant and would blow me off when i tried to talk to him about it. Then he dumped me by saying,”I think I’d rather befriends rightnow. But I really do want to be in a relationship with you, I just dont know.” I still havent gotten an answer to why and I dont know what happened. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Please help me out, I dont have any intention of going back and forth with him, I just would like some closure.

Reply January 5, 2012, 7:36 pm

Frederica Bimble

You didn’t do anything wrong. The guy is confused and doesn’t know his own mind. If he asks you out again, say ‘no.’ Go and make yourself happy and don’t think about him (I know it’s hard) but if you clear your mind and focus on you, you will most likely find that you aren’t that interested in him after all. The reason why you need to stop thinking about him is because if your mind is filled with this guy then he is taking up the space that could be used to make plans with another guy who may actually want you.

Reply January 21, 2012, 8:47 pm

Emma

Okai I have a bf who is 17 and I am 14… he is a really nice guy and I know he will treat me right because he is my bestfriend but the thing is my parents would not approve and idk what I should do.. is it the right thing to date someone behind your parents back?

Reply January 3, 2012, 11:47 pm

TS

Hi Eric, I really appreciate what you said about nurturing your self-esteem from a place of love and support rather than chasing after people or places that offer you little in return. I would like to ask for your input if it’s alright; I think I have pretty good self-esteem and confidence in myself, I really like who I am flaws and all, but I’m also very guarded and a major commitment-phobe. Recently, I met this guy who shares the same interests I do, similar politics and world purview, and seems like a genuinely kind person. And it freaks me out to no point. While I enjoy talking to him, this fact makes me anxious and I feel myself putting up walls and ready to run away as fast as possible. As a protective measure, I told him I wasn’t interested in dating, that I’m bad at relationships, and at times I even avoid his calls because I’m afraid of talking to him and enjoying it. Sounds a bit juvenile so forgive me. I’m a little at a loss right now on what to do so any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Reply December 31, 2011, 4:32 am

ali mccoy

i notice this all the time like the guy i like is also my best friend and we do every thing to gether but he’s really shy about liking me back so when ever he slips up he blames me for my falts and it drives me crazy

Reply December 14, 2011, 2:48 pm

Frederica Bimble

What you’ve described is on the list of the first symptoms for spotting a potential abuser. Drop this guy and move on.
‘when he slips up he blames me for my faults.’
That is the start of it. If you stay with him, eventually, he will criticise EVERYTHING about you and if you get upset or it ‘drives you crazy’ he will go for more because he is controlling you. Then, after he’s hot and cold you for a while, he’ll start becoming even more controlling, criticising what you wear, your make up, your hair, your friends, your family….. see where I’m going with this?
He may not be but you don’t need to waste your time finding out. If you stick around, you will be with him because you ‘feel sorry for him’ and that is also another form of control.
Just get away from him.

Reply January 21, 2012, 8:52 pm

Vee

been there done that. my guy best friend was like that to me too. i liked him before but when i realized he was becoming abusive i stopped liking him.. he’s still my friend but we’re not as close as before anymore.. these are guys who deserve being friend-zoned.

Reply March 30, 2012, 1:45 am

Anna

Hi Eric, thanks for this site, it’s really great. One thing I stuggle with though is learning to be happy with yourself before meeting someone. I’m mid-20s and have never had a boyfriend. It’s not always been a problem but for the past few years it’s got me down. Now I know it shouldn’t be the be all and end all but i’ve always had really low self-esteem. Don’t get me wrong, I can socialise etc but inside I feel rubbish. Now this past year i’ve had a number of ill-fated dating periods and each time it makes my self-esteem that little bit lower. I’m now convinced there’s something wrong with me.

The current guy i’ve been dating I tried to be all chilled and relaxed but the same decreasing contact pattern appeared. For example we had a date last week and arranged to meet again tonight. However over the past 3 days he’s responded quick to my first text then taken ages to respond to the second. The last text I got him took a day and then it was only a couple of words with a ‘lol’. I’ve not replied. I wanted to see him but he hasn’t mentioned meeting all week and didn’t earlier when I text. Now yes I could have responded and asked him but that’s what happened the last few times and I feel that if he was really keen HE would ask. So I haven’t replied and I doubt i’ll hear from him again.

Which brings me to my point, how can you feel great about yourself when things liek this keep happening because obviously feeling loved and being happy with all parts of your life are important to achieve this?
Thanks.

Reply December 9, 2011, 3:07 pm

Eric Charles

Here’s the thing: Somehow the concept of self-esteem got conveyed as something that the world fills you up with.
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Like there’s one girl and the world fills her up with self-esteem and there’s another girl and the world doesn’t fill her with any.
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The truth is that you grow in your self-esteem in how you engage with the world. In every single person’s life, there are people, places and things that we can give our love to and we’ll get that love back. There are other places that no matter how much we give to those people, places or things, we’ll never get that love reflected back to us.
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When I was younger, I used to chase after those people, places and things. If someone didn’t like me, I wanted them to like me. I would be pre-occupied with why they didn’t like me.
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Meanwhile, I was ignoring all the people in my life who truly loved me for who I am, as I am. For whatever reason, I thought that love was something I had to chase.
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Being OK with loving the people in your life who love you is actually a big part of self-esteem. Open yourself up and love the people who love you. Let them in.
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As for anyone who doesn’t reflect that love to you – get them out of your life. Ignore them – not in a mean way, but just stop focusing on dead-ends and focus on those that love you as a person.
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That might sound very airy-fairy, but the truth is that people with self-esteem have it because they surround themselves with people who love and support them and they don’t focus on those who don’t.
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Something to think about. Hope that helps.

Reply December 13, 2011, 1:33 am

AB

Hey .. that was wonderful eric .. Thanks for your valuable advice dude u really awsome… :))))

Reply December 15, 2011, 2:15 am

Eric Charles

Glad it was helpful for you. You’re welcome, as always.

Reply December 15, 2011, 1:15 pm

Anna

Thanks Eric for the advice (as always!) I’ll give it a go! 🙂

December 23, 2011, 12:03 pm

Nat

Great advice! I absolutely agree with you. Thank you, Eric. 🙂

Reply February 14, 2014, 12:01 pm

Kat

Something so many people seem to forget about self-esteem is that it requires looking in the mirror & being honest with yourself about your strengths & weaknesses. Everyone always says self-esteem comes from within but they fail to mention HOW that’s achieved. When you know your weaknesses, you know what to work on to strengthen them. When you know yourself, truly know yourself, you’re able to find that self love that is essential to a healthy self-esteem.

Reply October 21, 2014, 2:52 pm

Casey

Also, most of the times if women do their very best to give there all to the relationship and make it better, it makes us resent the man we’re with. It’s not a good tactic. Both parties need to try, actively. Or the other will hold resentment.

Reply December 8, 2011, 1:10 pm

Casey

Mike, that website you posted is all about picking up women – it has nothing to do about treating them well. It even has slogans like “learn to seduce,” accompanied by pictures of half naked women in lingerie. It’s not a good website, and treats women like objects.
“Most of the time we just stare, and wish we had something as beautiful as that attached to our arms, or more importantly, lying naked in our bed.”
Gross.

Reply December 8, 2011, 1:06 pm

Frederica Bimble

That’s because ‘Mike’ is a spambot! The spammers have gotten really good nowadays and they are made to look like real people. I feel for you that you gave your mind energy to answering that post but in future if you see any posts that mention a web link, they are most likely spam. Very, very occasionally, a real person may post something directing others to their blog but most of the webheads (like me) know what the spambots look like and usually ‘flag as spam’ their posts if the option on a site is there.
There are quite a few misogynist’s sites out there and they just ruin it for men in the dating world.

Reply January 21, 2012, 8:58 pm

Mike

if men learned more from sites like howtobegoodwithwomen.com, there would be less questions like this. Men need to learn how to be good with women, and treat them with respect yet give them what they deserve.

I agree with you 100%. Men really do need dating advice, BADLY!

Reply December 7, 2011, 8:48 pm

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