My boyfriend and I have been going out for about three months now. We’ve already had sex and I think we took it way too fast. He says he wants to be with me forever and that he loves me- I mean, could see us being like that but does he really mean it or is he just saying what he thinks I want to hear?
He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but sometimes he won’t call or text the whole day. It makes me feel unloved but I don’t know how to let him know that without him getting mad. He’s like “Oh yeah, I’ll text you tomorrow.” Then he doesn’t! It makes me angry but I don’t want to be like “Why didn’t you text me?!?”
How do I know if he really means what he’s saying or if he’s full of it?
As far as what you’re asking goes, it sounds to me like “young love.” I don’t mean that to be insulting – it is a nice thing. But the reason I say it is that it’s something I would have said years ago in an early relationship. And when I said it, I would have meant it…
The thing is, as I had more relationships –more falling in love and then eventually the break-up, more ups, more downs, more experience — my perspective changed and the way I was in relationships changed too… for the better. Sure, people get jaded by breakups, sometimes for a month, sometimes for several months (or longer), but the ups and the downs of relationships are both really good things.
My point is that in the moments he’s with you, he probably does mean it. At the same time, love does not mean that you should expect him to pick up the phone all the time or text you constantly. Guys, lovable as we can be, usually like to use the phone to make a plan and that’s that. We don’t like chit-chat if it’s not towards a purpose, it’s just not how we’re wired. I would say that if he says he’s going to text or call you, he should do that… But just because somebody should do something doesn’t mean they will, for whatever reason.
My feeling is that you should take this as an opportunity to learn how to deal with this sort of thing… It’s not the last time that it will happen and I can tell you that as good as I try to be, I’ll occasionally do what you’re talking about… Doesn’t mean I don’t love my girl, just means… well… I’m busy! ;)
But be that as it may, it does bother you and my bet is that you are trying to figure out a way to address it without making him defensive or damaging the relationship.
First and foremost, get a handle about how you feel about it. A trap that I see a lot of couples fall into is that one person is annoyed by what the other one is doing, but instead of figuring out a constructive way to address it, they just hold resentment towards the other person to a degree.
When I say address it, I don’t necessarily mean talking it out. Sometimes that’s the best way to go and I’ll share my thoughts on that in a moment, but sometimes half the issue is how you feel about it and think about it. Do the other person a favor and at least look at the way you’re acting and handling the situation too. In this scenario, I’m not pointing any fingers, I’m just saying it’s a smart thing to do because it will give you insight into how you are and clarity on the whole situation.
Generally speaking, I think it’s destructive in a relationship to think about things in terms of what someone is doing right or wrong (whether it’s you or the guy you’re with). It’s better to just think about what’s happening and where you’re coming from in all of it.
Some things to consider: Personally, in a relationship, if someone doesn’t do what I expect them to do, I usually forgive them… the first time… maybe the first couple of times. But when they consistently do the same thing and it is something that just doesn’t work for me and I feel like it’s reasonable for me to expect it, I do bring it up.
I would say it should be as simple as, “OK, you’re doing this and it makes me feel this way (whatever it is you feel) and it makes me think this… Can you give me a reason that would help me understand why this keeps happening?” And let him talk… I would say go for understanding, don’t go for resolution. When you put it to him like that, you’re not blaming him, you’re just telling him how you feel and asking for an explanation you can understand. He won’t get defensive if you put it in these terms.
On the other hand, you definitely do NOT want to come from a place of blaming, assuming or attacking. It sounds obvious when I write it out, but in real life, you do need to keep clear on where you’re coming from. Understanding is a good spot.
Adding to this point, I would also avoid words like “never” and “always” when it comes to things he does. Let me tell you, nothing makes me angrier faster than having a woman tell me I “always” do something (whatever it is) wrong or that I “never” do something (whatever it is) right. Avoid those words and you’ll have much fewer arguments. :)
There’s nothing wrong with sharing how you feel with a guy. In fact, if you tell a guy what he’s doing that you don’t like and how it makes you feel, that’s one of the best ways to help the guy get where you’re coming from. I would say a good rule is to never assume your guy knows the things he’s “supposed” to know or “should” know without you telling him. Again, you’ll avoid a lot of arguments.
Now, I want to make a point here because this is usually the place where jaded women will say, “Of course not! Stupid men don’t know anything!” To that point, guys know plenty and we really do our best. But guess what… what made our last girlfriend happy sometimes is totally different from what makes you happy. And smart guys know the best thing is never to assume we know what a woman wants… we want women to give us clues that are extremely visible-from-space obvious. And no, “clues” to a guy does not include a facial expression, voice tone or some kind of hint. Clues means basically a roadmap.
Bottom line: If you show your boyfriend exactly how to make you happy, he will do his best to do it. To a man, a woman who is thoroughly happy with him is a beautiful woman.
In fact, I would even be so bold as to say that a man will almost inevitably leave a woman if he does not believe he can make her happy. So this is something you want to be clear on. You want to make sure you let him know when he’s successful and you want to make sure he knows how he can make you happy if he’s doing something that is making you unhappy.
Do not use this in a manipulative way, though. It will backfire, don’t try it.