he said he needed space

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This topic contains 821 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ItAhiA 5 years, 5 months ago.

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  • #496547 Reply


    700 posts and counting….WOW. its good to see how involved and invested these women here are. I hope all good things come to you Beth.

    #496778 Reply


    I don’t know what to say…

    #496966 Reply


    I know it is stupid but my thoughts are so jumbled

    #496967 Reply


    Beth, not to hurt your feelings or insult you or anything, but at 700 posts you could try saying thank you for all the support. While you don’t owe anyone here a response as Eric has said, you’ve gotten a great deal of attention and concern and a little gratitude would not only be welcome, it might help you feel better too.

    #496979 Reply


    Beth, please try to find happiness in the little things around you, even if it seems mundane, irrelevant, or flat-out stupid. That’s what poster above was likely trying to express when she suggested you thank those who have been there for you. Correct, you owe us nothing, but it’s one step in the direction of feeling better.

    It’s none of our business what you and your therapist talk about, but I’m concerned that it either might not be working or that you might not be revealing everything to her because you have an unclear view of your desired outcome in all this. We can only hope your therapist advised against making plans with this man or accepting his crumbs. No wonder your thoughts are jumbled: You took what little he was giving you and held out hope. Now that this is completely over, do you really think there’s any going back? This is a blessing in disguise. I’m not going to tell you to “be happy,” but I will tell you that you have a forged path and it’s bound to get better going forward if you do the work to get there.

    If you were hungry for a huge cookie, and someone offered you these two options, what would you choose:
    1) Crumbs that fell off the cookie in the baking process, but would be ready to eat sooner, as long as you dug through everything and salvaged every last bit until the point where you keel over from hunger?
    2) A whole cookie that would take longer to bake because it spent time putting itself together well enough to wait for someone worthy of enjoying it.

    Forget the cookie. I think you know where I’m going here.

    Beth, do you love yourself? Don’t you think you’re worthy of more?

    #496982 Reply


    hmmmm yea that is tru what anonymous2 says. I think you won the pulitzer posts for this one.

    I just hope all the time and effort put into does not go in vain. Meaning yes, a very nice “thank you” to everyone would be great and also an update (or not I mean you are at 700) so idk is there a limit to these things?

    I mean I read a good amount of these posts and most of the time you weren’t replying but the wowman were going to bat on your behalf anyway. That says alot for a bunch of strangers who know nothing about you other than what you post.

    Kudos ladies……………give yourselves a pat on the back :)

    #497001 Reply


    it wont let me post my reply–been trying 5 x

    #497003 Reply


    why wont this work

    #497006 Reply


    Double check certain words “w i t c h”, “s w i t c h,” “s p e l l”

    #497008 Reply


    to terri and annonomyous
    I have said thank you –many many times
    I have said I appreciated all the advice and everything people have given me
    Mae- I see your idea about the cookie and that makes sense–but I still cant turn off my feelings like a bulb
    and no I don’t like myself very much
    I still love and care about him….and it hurts so bad
    we started CBT but it was only one session so I have a lot to try and work on….
    but that was about a different scinereo about him
    when I go in weds I plan to talk about what happened
    I don’t really know—

    #497016 Reply


    You don’t have to turn you feelings off like a bulb, or even stop caring about him. They’re your feelings, after all. But you can still take steps forward instead of steps back, no matter how hard it is. It’s just what you have to do.

    As for you not liking yourself, I asked you because that’s the root of all this. If you don’t love yourself, it’s not fair to anyone involved to be in a relationship.

    #497019 Reply


    I am trying to take steps forward–we talked on Sunday
    part of me want to say what happened and part of me is scared for being ridiculed

    #497020 Reply


    Your therapist won’t ridicule you. Tough lough, maybe, but ridiculing would get him/her fired. You can even start by saying, “There’s something I have to say but I’m holding back for fear of being ridiculed. Hear me out.” If you’re not completely honest, and only telling part of the story, there’s no point in going. You get out as much as you put in.

    #497024 Reply


    Beth – Mae was right about the point I was trying to make and unfortunately it’s gone right over your head.

    You’ve been saying “I don’t know” for quite some time. What is it exactly you don’t know? This man has been very clear with you about where he stands. Surely after all that’s happened you can’t be surprised that it came to him saying he didn’t want to see you any longer. He asked for space and you were unable to give it to him. He then came back and said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but would still be wiling to see you. That’s anyone’s cue to walk away. Because sticking around for that is guaranteed to get you even more hurt. Which is exactly what’s happened.

    This isn’t about him, this is about you being unable to deal with someone not wanting to be in a relationship with you. Happy is correct in that there are things going on with you we aren’t equipped to handle. We’re just a bunch of ordinary people here trying to help each other through the dating game!

    If you’re suffering from clinical depression, you need to get on medication. Otherwise, we’ve all been through difficult unwanted break-ups and at some point you have to start taking responsibility for yourself and your feelings. Yes, it does hurt and there is not one thing anyone can do here to fix that for you. Time and positive choices for yourself will help you feel better. To continue with the “IDK”s is choosing to remain in the disempowered victim space and you will never move forward from there.

    As Mae says, no one’s trying to tell you to shut off your feelings. But sweetheart, this is not love, this is obsession and attachment. Love is letting someone go when they want to go, and while you may certain be sad to see them go and miss them, it won’t cause the anguish you’re putting yourself through.

    I am really not sure why you keep posting here, it seems to keep you going around in circles.

    #497042 Reply


    There’s something I have to say but I’m holding back for fear of being ridiculed. Hear me out……
    we saw each other on Sunday and had a long talk and agreed to total time off–BUIT having a date to talk again–\
    during this time I plan to work on myself and go to therapy…and work on myself and try the best I can to move on—and be in a better mind set to when we talk again
    I do think we will talk and see what is up…

    #497045 Reply


    I am truly sorry that this has been a rough time for you.
    Watching this thread however, has been painful sight to see.
    I keep seeing a woman holding on to a guy who has checked out of this relationship.
    While I could be wrong I think he is saying such things to spare your feelings and cushion the blow.
    My true hope for you is that you stay out of contact with him and focus on your well being. The ladies here have tried to assist but I think this one is beyond our scope of knowledge. Please be open and honest with your therapist.
    The sooner you do that I think you’ll be in better spirits.
    I wish you well and hope one day you’ll update us with some new revelations in your life.
    Take care!

    #497047 Reply


    Oops. I thought you were trying to say you were afraid to tell your therapist about what you had told us previously. Now I’m confused.

    #497050 Reply


    no–was afraid to say it here
    in a month I have 4 appointments with the therapist
    while in a month he could very well say thanks but no thanks–I know I have this time to work on me–I feel better in a way it is not open ended and we set a time to talk again–this way I am not really thinking each day is this the right day for me to call for me to txt for me to do this for me to do that…….
    I am thinking of helping myself…
    do I still want him yes….do I love him yes…do I miss him yes…..
    but not wondering each day about id this the day is also helpful to me if that makes sense–
    he may say in a month–ive thought about it and no–but maybe in a month time I will be better and healthier too…

    #497057 Reply


    Well we all hope for that! WE want you to get passes this part of the loss. It’s very painful and it’s sad to see others in this much pain. I’m glad and hope that the therapy is working, it can only work if you truly want it to. Take in everything and acknowledge your feelings and keep us posted. Who cares that it’s 700 posts, it takes some people months to years to heal.

    #497068 Reply


    I agree with Khadija I think he just said you’ll talk again to not hurt your feelings. I think when he says things like that, it is detrimental to you because it makes you STILL hold on to hope. What would make you better, is to LET GO and stop holding out hope. If you set your mind to it, you CAN. It’s when you keep holding on that is preventing you from feeling better about yourself. A step to feeling better is to know you deserve more & act like you deserve more. A woman who knows she deserves more would walk away & NOT want a man who does not want her. This type of thing is empowering & is where you would start to feel better about yourself because you would be taking your power back instead of having it all in his hands. My fear is that when you see him next, if he still does not want you, it will undo your progress & make you feel worse all over again. That’s why letting go of him is the best solution. The very thing that hurts so much *he does not want to be with you* is what you can actually use to HELP you by accepting it & letting it go. If you accept it & then let it go, it will lose its power over you & the pain will start to lessen. It’s the holding on to hope that is hindering you.

    #497072 Reply


    I see all of that and I understand that and it does make sense..
    I do believe in a month he will talk to me–what’s going to happen I have no idea what-so-ever–maybe in a month I wont want him–I honestly don’t know—
    my mind keeps flip flopping–its hard to explain–I dont’ plan to put my life on hold for him that makes sense–if someone wanted to talk to me I would talk back to them–
    all I know is that I have this month to try and work on me and decide what I want–like I said having that date is helpful—which makes me less anxious and everything–I don’t know if that makes much sense

    #497077 Reply


    rejection is never easy no matter who it comes from It hurts like hell. I hear you saying your waiting a month so see what you will talk about it. I’m gonna be blunt here but you need to not do that.
    Why you would want to be with anyone who already told you he didn’t want you is beyond any level of any of our understanding. YOU should be the one telling him to give you TIME not the other way around. YOU have to love and care more for yourself than for this guy SERIOUSLY.

    The month is probably something he said to make you cling to hope as others have said here. Its not closure. its not him wanting you back or anything. Take this month all 30days and work on yourself please sweetie. Your worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

    If you don’t love yourself, your no way ready to love another person.So I question how you could even believe you love this guy, what you love is the idea of having someone in your life…………….even if he’s hurting you. that’s INSANE

    #497085 Reply


    Beth, i think the post of anynonumous 2 (lol, cant write it) was spot on. You would have to let that stick. I can understand that in your mind a month and a date gives you a better state of mind, but i’m afraid you might gonna work on the wrong issues. I hope you make it about you realizing you’re a good person and a good mother and a good provider and not about getting better for him. Its such a waste of time, i don’t think he is a bad guy, but clearly you’re not a right fit right now (and he has issues too). So good luck on your soulsearching journey. I’m sure it will work out.

    #497087 Reply


    I agree with the others. I believe the truth behind your IDK’s is because while he said it is over, you two have a plan to speak again. This is only dragging the inevitable out.

    Based on your past interactions with him, he is afraid or unwilling to completely cut you off and make it clear you will not speak again. It is easier for him to do it this way so there is less fuss, and I’m sure he gets no joy from hurting you.

    You “don’t know” because you are still allowing yourself to be pulled in two directions. In one-it’s over for good (but it appears to us that you are not able to fully accept and believe that yet). The other direction is holding onto the fact that you will talk in a month, and that means you are hoping he will change his mind.

    This is very unhealthy. The best thing you could do is to tell him that he’s made his decision, which you respect. Then respect yourself enough to know and say you deserve better and tell him there is nothing more to discuss. It’s over and you are moving on and wish him well.

    As long as you stay caught in this stasis you will never be able to fully accept, heal, and move on.

    I mean this with a heart that cares…but you are really the one torturing yourself in all this. I can only hope your therapist helps you recognize and address this. I want you to healthy and happy.

    I wish you well. But what you can’t see is that you have way more control over this situation, and how you feel and react about it than anyone else. You can choose to move on fully and be the best Beth, so you can find the best guy for you.

    I can’t imagine in any way that this guy is it.

    #497091 Reply


    None of us know what he’s thinking or will be thinking in a month. And we all hope that in a month you are feeling much better. I also really, really hope that you do not consider anything further with this man unless he begs for you back. Really…begs.

    When someone hurts you – and changes their mind like he did – you would naturally be suspect and fearful of getting hurt again. It behooves the person that did the hurting to make amends and to be worried that you will accept his apologies so that you will consider taking him back. So far, I am not hearing any of this from him – he seems to want more and more space and thinking only of himself, not you. This is why I would not continue thinking there is a future with a man who exhibits such selfish behavior. You deserve better than this.

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