Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
This topic contains 821 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by ItAhiA 6 years, 9 months ago.
I know it sounds easy–but it is hard……when all I want to do is reach out to him–its a battle of my head and heart
NO that is not what I want
I just don’t want things to be done–he didn’t say he wanted me to get my stuff
I suggest you read articles on the fade away break up.
Beth, what did you come here for? You have been given great advise how to deal with this situation but you continue to say that’s not what you want to do. Go ahead and go against our advise and see what happens. You will really push him away if you haven’t already. We can’t help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.
I want to and plan to back off…..
I just wish I knew what he was thinking
Maybe I’m missing something, but I don’t see any back story on this. All I see is he said he wants space.
HOw can anyone soundly provide advice without knowing how long they have been together, what the circumstances are that led up to this, are they a couple or just friends? Etc.
“but I just want to fix things”
Great, like the ladies said, “Leave Him Alone”. That’s how you’re going to fix things.
“should I ask to exchange our things?”
No!!! You’re making up things in your head that are going to go against what he’s asked you not to do; Call/Text. How are you going to exchange things? You’d have to call or text maybe? Didn’t he say DO NOT CALL OR TEST ME?
xyz, because all of that is irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if they’ve been together for 3 months, 3 years, or in between, the argument that led up to this, etc. When a guy says leave me alone, that’s what you do, LEAVE HIM ALONE. I know when I tell someone to not contact me and they continue to do so that’s going to really put me off and confirm my feelings why I don’t want to be bothered with them. The last thing you want to do is talk to someone when they’re angry. Let them cool off and most of all, LET THEM COME TO YOU!!!
I have a feeling Beth you are not going to listen, you are going to do as you are pleased, because it is “hard” not to.
You keep on saying things “but I WANT to know what he is feeling, but I miss him, but I don’t want him to disappear”…..of course you do.
BUT you can’t FORCE things onto people. It is not all about you.
Have respect for others and learn self control. He asked you to leave him alone how are you going to “fix” things by doing the opposite? When someone leaves us it is always hard, very hard, but people go through worse things in life.
If you continue pestering him, you will make it EASY for him to break up with you and get over you, the breakup will be easy, he will not miss you, he will be annoyed and angry at you for not respecting his requests, and it will make it easier for him to move on and start dating someone new, someone who has more self control.
thank you for all the advice and everything
I know you are all right- its hard because I love him
I need to back off and give him some space and let him miss me
I know that is the ONLY chance I have to try and remedy things
If I try to contact him he would be very upset and It would not work in my favor
if he is on the fence that would be the deciding factor to ssay goodbye for sure
I just want so much to see/talk to him
I just miss him
do we think that there could be a chance?
I don’t have a lot of details about your relationship up to this point, but have some advice that can not only be applied with this man, but any man you date. Something that needs to become a mindset.
There is a reason that people don’t enjoy being in prison (actually many reasons, but I’m focusing on one) or trapped in a crowded elevator and there is a reason why animals don’t enjoy being locked in a small cage or why a butterfly will literally beat it’s wings against the sides of a jar until it dies. All of these situation involve a loss of freedom and freedom is paramount to our happiness, especially for men. The only way to have a healthy relationship is to NOT have a strangle hold on each other. You must each grant the other freedom…to both be in the relationship as they are, to take space when they need it and even to walk away if the relationship no longer adds value to their life. And YOU have the same freedom if you’re consistently unhappy. Knowing this, allowing this, and knowing that despite any pain you WILL be ok if one of you chooses to end it allows the other person to breathe and feel free and often makes them want to stay. This isn’t about allowing them to cheat, lie or abuse (because that compromises YOUR freedom), but about allowing them to show up in the relationship as who they truly are and feel safe, not strangled, and knowing that sometimes who they are is going to conflict with what you want…and being ok with that.
He is feeling claustrophobic, strangled and stressed. Think about how that must feel for him outside of how it feels for YOU. Have compassion for it and love him enough to give him what he needs, even if it isn’t exactly what you want. Also, know that if it gets too hard, it is within your control to walk away too.
If you squeeze a lily tightly in your hands in an effort to possess it, it withers and falls off the stem. I know that you’re hurting and I know that it’s both a mental and physical pain caused by the fear of losing him. It feels unmanageable and like it’s going to tear you apart. So letting go feels counter-intuitive. You feel like you should grab on more tightly…BUT, the only thing that can save this is releasing your grip on him and the relationship and allowing the air back in. Meditate, talk to friends, go get your hair done. Invest in yourself and instead of ruminating over wanting to call/text him and “fix” this, tell yourself that you are giving the man you love the gift of freedom and breathing room and let yourself feel good about that.
I assumed he hadn’t as he just said he wanted space. My take is a guy who has no problem shouting and swearing at you also won’t have a problem telling you it’s over at the same time and to leave him alone permanently. He’s just asked for space at this point.
I’m not sure the back story is relevant to the specific question asked, but it sure would be helpful to know.
Without knowing more, I kind of agree with Hannah. It sounded as if he was pissed when he told you, again, that he needed space. If he wanted to just end it that would have been the perfect time. He is probably trying to figure out exactly how he wants to proceed, or maybe he just wants time to focus on his issues. Either way, how you behave during this time could very well determine the fate of your relationship.
How can anyone tell you if there is a chance, we don’t know your history. How old are you both? how long are you together? what were the issues in the relationship?
But whatever the context, you MUST stay in a complete no contact for at least 30 days, if you break it, you need to start counting again. No FB likes, no bumping into him, nothing. This is the only way he might miss you and might reconsider.
Search for ex boyfriend recovery, there are some very specific tactics and techniques on how to get your ex back. It can prevent you from making a lot of mistakes.
You will miss him terribly, it is to be expected, but you don’t have the luxury of being weak and do as you feel – if you want him back.
Listen to Kate! I’m a firm believer in the idea that if you really love someone, you set them free!
I know you want to talk to him and know what he’s thinking but you have to take some control. Distract yourself with friends, family, anything! I know it’s hard.
Leave your phone at home. Go for a walk or a drive for a few hours (DO NOT GO BY HIS PLACE). Go do some window shopping. Go do ANYTHING and get your mind off him.
Here’s an example. If you’re looking at shoes, Do NOT think to yourself, “I wonder if he’d like these on me?”. Instead, find a guy in the store, get THAT guys opinion. Do NOT mention your boyfriend. Maybe he’ll talk to you a bit. Maybe the attention from the guy or guys in the store will help ease some of your tension.
There could be a chance Beth if you give him what he wants…don’t talk to him right now he will reach out on his own soon
You’ll ruin the chance if you go against what he said
I appreciate everyone’s advice
I know – a bunch of you said that you understand/ know that what I want to do
And yes this does make me what to grab on more tightly and question and everything which makes sense – but also confusing to me at the same time since it does seem so opposite that letting go and stepping back would be the most helpful thing
What happened after I txted him
And he asked for a few (camly and nice) got uber upset when I txted him after 3-4 days didn’t work out for me how I wanted it to
So txting him now would only make him super duper pissed
Sarah- you really think he’ll reach out soon
I just got his Christmas presents – I had ordered them last week…
How long has it been since you’ve communicated? And what was the last thing you said to him/him to you?
I’m sorry, but i think its a fake post. Nobody can be this hardhearing
He might not reach out soon, but you still have to stay away and not contact him in any way
Give him a chance to miss you, right now he is suffocated by you, this will not go away quickly, it might take a couple of weeks and THEN he will start missing you and THEN he will start wondering what you are up to. And THEN he will think why is she not chasing me?
If you keep chasing him, if you are instantly available to him, do you think this will stir his dying interest? Why is this counter-intuitive to you that you need to go silent? If you put yourself in his shoes it will be very intuitive.
If he reaches out to you – do not reply right away. Be a little hard to get. You are dealing with a man. Their egos is their main vulnerable spot. If you are not chasing him, he will get his ego pinched and will get MORE interested, not the other way around. If you do meet with him later on, show no eagerness, be light, playful. And do not have sex with him right away, make it a little more valuable for him. His will only appreciate it more.
You have a lot of work to do if you want to salvage this relationship, read up the resources we recommended. Reread this threat carefully.