he said he needed space


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This topic contains 821 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ItAhiA 5 years, 4 months ago.

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  • #497103 Reply

    Lane

    I’m sorry Beth but having that date is going to keep you stuck in denial. He’s not really going to keep that date, he’s just using it as a buffer to keep you at arms length for awhile by giving you time to fully accept its over and doesn’t want to get back with you—its not a carrot he’s dangling, its the end of the road.

    Please stop dwelling on some future with him and focus on the present which is him CLEARLY telling you its over, doesn’t want to talk as there’s nothing more he can say to get through to you, therefore giving back all your items is the best way for him to close that door so you have nothing left to hold over him.

    Just focus on you, your therapy, and your daughter because that’s what really matters at this point in time. I know its hard, but we’ve ALL been there and survived it, as will you. Chin up.

    #497215 Reply

    Anonymous2

    30 days from now…

    a) he cancels meeting
    b) he postpones meeting
    c) he meets with you

    In the case of A, you are upset all over again. Unless in 30 days of therapy you make a stunning 180 and stop caring what he does or thinks of you or if he wants to be with you. Either way, it’s over.

    In the case of B, you keep your fingers crossed behind your back and you go around the mulberry bush again for a while. If you keep putting it off the chances that you will both be on the same page about getting back together are slim to none. 99.5% chance likely it’s over.

    In the case of C, the chances that you both want to try again and will be equipped to make this into a solid happy and long lasting relationship are..????? Given all that has gone on???????

    Odds of winning something of value are much better in Vegas, baby.

    #497349 Reply

    beth

    I know he has A LOT going on in his world–A LOT..
    I do think he WILL talk to me–but I have a bunch of work to do on me for me–
    if it’s a relationship with him or it will be with another person.
    I still need to do the work regardless…

    I don’t know if we will make it back together….part of me says no—-but part of me says i’ll talk to him in a month and will see what is up…
    I am trying to be honest ladies….
    we agreed on a month–so like I said this month with be a good time for me not wondering if hes going to answer the phone –or txt back since I am doing nothing–
    im still kinda anxious but not like I was before–
    I know this makes no sense

    #497350 Reply

    anonymous2

    Well Beth, then you’ve got a plan. Let us know what happens in a month’s time after you meet up.

    #497357 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Beth, the issue is he already ended it . there was no reason to think about him responding because you should not have been contacting or waiting for him to contact you. Best of luck.

    #497898 Reply

    beth

    my heart hurts still

    #497901 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Beth

    I am so sorry you are in pain, but this is now self induced. This situation is not working on any level, yet you still are not done with it. You are suffering because break ups suck, but you are not broken up with because you refuse to see the signs and he is appeasing the situation to not look like a jerk, stroke his ego and avoid hurting you. Email him and just say this is not good for either of you, you are so sorry and best of luck. You will feel much freer….

    #497904 Reply

    anonymous2

    Tallspicy is right. But you will not do as she says, sadly you are just not ready to be done with this and face it’s over with this man and move on.

    Highly recommend you get a notebook and start writing all of your feelings out when you feel in pain. You can tear out pages and burn them when you’re ready to let go of the feelings. You’re going to get through this, every person on the planet has been through the same thing, multiple times. Find yourself… you lost yourself in this relationship. Reclaim yourself and you’ll find the pain goes away on its own. Then you’ll be able to get into a healthy relationship.

    #497905 Reply

    beth

    I a, going to therapy..
    and trying to work on things

    #497908 Reply

    beth

    but no I can’t just stop the hurt
    Im SORRY if that is so easy for you

    #497914 Reply

    anonymous2

    Beth! No one said it’s EASY!! It’s DAMN HARD. Heartache literally hurts. Every single person on the planet has felt exactly what you are feeling. You are not alone by a long shot.

    For heaven’s sake, and for your sake, please please please get out of poor me mode. We are all on your side!!! The thing is, you have the power to choose if you’re going to follow with a thought and a feeling that doesn’t feel good or if you reach for something even a little bit better. Just posting here that it hurts over and over for 6 weeks now is not going to help you get on and move forward. We are all standing with you and there is much love for you here or you wouldn’t have so many posts and Eric contributing too. Thing is, at some point you have to accept what is and pick up and go on, even though it hurts. When you just post that you’re in pain in a one liner over and over, there is just nothing anyone here can do for you!!

    #497930 Reply

    beth

    sometimes I don’t know what to say
    people want me to me honest and that is what I am trying to be
    I do believe him and I will talk in a month–will we get back together –I don’t know but right now I think we wont.
    I am going to therapy to work on me–not because of the hopes it will be to get back with him–but I need to do this regardless of what is going to happen with him

    #497941 Reply

    anonymous2

    OK, then what is there to say right now?? Every thought and feeling doesn’t need to be given validation by voicing it. When you keep saying it hurts, it hurts, it hurts, you keep it going!!! Youv’e got your therapy, you’ve got the email addresses of two women from here, and presumably you’ve got some family, friends, etc. So you’re addressing the issues. Good.

    You don’t have to stuff the pain, but you don’t have to let it run your life either. “This hurts right now… and tomorrow it will hurt less, and eventually I’ll be on the other side of this.” That’s how you get through it. Another thing that works is to give yourself one full day to be totally sad, angry, miserable, whatever. (When your daughter isn’t around.) Play sad songs, cry, write everything down, make videos of yourself, whatever. And then at midnight, rant time is over. If you want to laugh then look on YOuTube for funny videos about break-ups. Amy Young I think her name is, she’s very funny. That will help you move on. OK? Just random posting “it hurts” here is keeping you in self-imposed agony.

    #497944 Reply

    tallspicy

    Beth,

    Can you please explain why do you think you will get back to together? It seems to me at best is you agreed to talk again.

    Being together means the following things: Seeing each other, spending time together, keeping your promises when you are supposed to get together.

    He has not given you that in a long time.

    What does the therapist say?

    #497948 Reply

    beth

    he has some stuff to get sorted out as well.
    and stuff to work on too…
    I don’t know if he will be in a better place in a month–I don’t know if he will be more relationship ready—
    regardless–I still need to work on me—
    therapist thinks him and I are in different spots–he has a lot going on and may not be able to give me what I need right now in order to take care of thinhs for himself

    #497951 Reply

    Stefanie

    Didn’t he already tell you he wasn’t able to give you what you are looking for right now? So the therapist is exactly right.

    Tall, I think you may have misread what she wrote.. she didn’t know if they would get back together or not.

    I agree with the above poster, there’s a plan in place here, she’s taking time to work on herself with her therapist for 30 days. I’m sure she will give us a progress report then.

    #497959 Reply

    Maria

    Beth, instead of waiting on him, why don’t you take control in your hands?

    From the outside, it is clear that he is done with you. By meeting in a month and talking again you are going to reset your withdrawal clock and start your pain yet again. By clinging on this fake hope you are denying yourself healing. Instead of making this a 12-month long and painful breakup, just cut it off YOURSELF.

    Why? Because you are NOT happy. Because he is NOT giving you what you need. Because he is not treating you right.

    It will be hard, very hard, but 12 months from now it will STILL be hard.

    Open your eyes and stop being in denial. You DO know.

    From the tone of your writing I can sense that you are moving in the right direction. My wish for you is to NOT drag it for months and months and months. Take charge, it will be easier this way. When YOU do it, it is easier.

    Good luck to you, Beth!

    #497964 Reply

    beth

    no I see that and I understand that
    I may not want him in a month–I honestly don’t know–I don’t know whats going to happen–but if we do –if we do connect again there has to be a lot of changes and everything…..because this kind of communication doesn’t fly
    I looked into the meetup.com and plan to go to an event tomorrow so I am trying—
    last time when space was asked it was open ended–
    Im not as anxious or as upset as last time-because it’s not just open there is a date to talk–I know we will talk next month–
    will we get back together I don’t know—
    I will be working on me but I also know I can’t say I didn’t try….

    #497965 Reply

    beth

    maybe he’ll get some of his crap together this month–who knows—and will be in a better spot-for him–for me –for us
    I don’t know–

    #497967 Reply

    Mae

    Beth, can you at least tell us if you are taking better care of yourself besides therapy? Are you sleeping OK? Eating? How’s work going? I remember being so broken to the point where I lost 20 pounds and felt weak (and my normal weight is 118 at 5’4″!) when I was in my early 20s. I was a mess, a skeleton, and let the breakup (and the false hope I fueled in my own brain) completely consume me.

    But see, we all survive this.

    #497977 Reply

    P_Asohka

    Beth, if I were you I would re-read this whole thread to see if you are improving. Sometimes going back on things since may help. These 30 + pages of your feelings and the great advice a lot of these women are giving you will be good to re-read once in awhile. You’ll see if you feel the same way or differently then when you first seek advice. Just a thought.

    #497982 Reply

    beth

    I have insomnia to begin with so that’s bad to start–eating is still very very very poor–still feel like crud and don’t want to eat much–but I am trying
    work is ok—im showing up every day

    #497992 Reply

    Mae

    Do you take anything for your insomnia? I see a neurologist for my sleep disorders. I find that a mix of natural herbs helps work over time. As hard as it is to eat, you have to force yourself because if you’re not well physically, you won’t be able to think straight. Make stuff that’s easy to eat and start there- smoothies, pasta, soups, then work your way up to bigger meals. Please take care of your body.

    #497999 Reply

    beth

    ive tried over 30 meds for sleep and been to sleep studies…
    im doing soup/crackers/etc…..
    I am forcing myself to eat but sometimes throw it back up….
    im trying

    #498034 Reply

    Phillygirl

    Beth I really hope that you realize everyone here is trying to help, it’s not to gang up on you.

    But I don’t think it can be said better than Lane did at the top of this page.

    It really doesn’t matter what he has to work on. It’s over. As long as you keep holding onto another conversation with him, another date at some point in the future you are staying stuck. This is creating a toxic environment in your mind and body, because you are aren’t really moving on. Hope is a dangerous thing when it means you are reliving heart break over and over due to an inability to fully let go.

    This back and forth is the absolute worst thing to do to yourself. Now I am no therapist, so of course ask them about this. I certainly don’t put myself on par with a professional but some of this is common sense.

    When you put your mind on two simultaneous paths, seeing two completely opposite and distinct futures it is torment, because you can’t fully embrace either future. That is the point everyone is making here.

    This man has either broken up with you or attempted to break up with you multiple times. That is all anyone needs to know at this point. If it were me, I would not want or allow someone to keep breaking my heart over and over. No one is saying they don’t understand how much this hurts. We do. And I definitely do. I doubt any of us here are strangers to heartache of the most heartbreaking degree at some point. But you are keeping yourself stuck. And you are allowing him to.

    He’s told you over and over he doesn’t want to/can’t be with you. That is the only reality that matters.

    I say this with all compassion. Please stop tormenting yourself, and regain your self-respect (it’s right there within your grasp).

    Let him go and fully mourn the loss so you can be healthy and happy. And everyone here applauds you getting help. Yes, this process is for you. Not for him or anyone else, except of course your daughter. Because our children pay attention to everything. Even when we think they aren’t absorbing what they see, hear, and feel. They are taking it all in. You are her role model and her superhero.

    Put on your cape (it says MOMMY in a big red heart!), and go take care of you and your baby girl.

    Love and hugs to you.

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