Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › he said he needed space
This topic contains 821 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by ItAhiA 6 years, 9 months ago.
Is it bad that I really want to know what happened (even though we all know already)?
Have you met with him yet?
hes not going to stay with you honey.
I’m reaching out on Tuesday
How about owning it and not contacting him?
Beth, DO NOT REACH OUT! If you do, and he rejects you again, which he will, all your doing is going back to DAY ONE and will have to start the process all over again!
Why do you continually want to torture yourself? This man has moved on and by clinging onto someone who doesn’t want to be with you is self destructive. Focus on your THERAPY because you haven’t made a lick of improvement or you wouldn’t want to reach out and talk to him. I’m sure your therapist would tell you NOT to do it, but I suspect your not being honest with him/her about wanting to fix the areas of your life, such as co-dependency, that makes men run away from you.
You are teaching your daughter very bad relationship skills—she’s watching and learning from you and I feel very sad that she’ll end up with same relationship problems you have. If you truly love her, then you would STOP doing this to yourself and her because she’s feeling it and its not right to inflict suffering and misery on a child because you refuse to accept REALITY that ITS OVER or you wouldn’t need to be the one to reach out.
You have A CHOICE to stop being rejected by this man, and I truly hope you end this dysfunctional tragic cycle and get well emotionally.
Are you kidding me? All this good advice and you STILL want to contact him? He doesn’t wanna be with you honey! Accept it and move on. Stop doing this to yourself.
If you don’t leave him alone he’s going to file a restraining order against you. Do you really want that? Stop pestering this guy. Get some professional help.
Are you kidding me with this there are people on here who need help. Are not getting a response back but this forum has over 700 response and it still hasn’t sink in to her head yet. Lady you need to pick up the pieces stop worrying about someone whos not worried about you. Go out on a date or something maybe if you start to see other men out that are interested in you. Built your self confidence it worked for me go shopping get a hair cut something. If you really want him back well that’s your best bet being confident in who you are LIVE YOUR DAMN LIFE.
Beth, what could you possibly have to gain by reaching out to him? Don’t know know by now you have to create your own closure? It’s sad to see you disintegrate into a shell of a person that once was. No one wants to date a shell- they’re empty and latch on to energy to fill their own void. You’re backtracking and if you think your child isn’t absorbing the negative energy and suffering along with you, you’re mistaken. As Lane says, you’ve made little to no progress and I truly question if you’re being selective about what you tell your therapist.
And I think it may be possible that you’ve exhausted all your support resources. Perhaps they may feel they’re doing more harm than good at this point. Everyone wants to see you get well and arrive at a place where you at least aren’t measuring all your self worth by a man’s approval of you.
That said, people will do what they want. And they’ll feel a certain way when they’re ready. You’ll just have to learn the VERY hard way.
I think the reason so many people continue to contribute to this thread is the same reason I have. For Beth’s little girl.
It really is time for tough love.
There is no way I can believe this child is not being tremendously negatively affected by all this. I am a mother. Our children absorb everything. Both spoken and seen. Behaviors and words.
I agree with Lane. Beth, this is a terrible relationship model for your daughter to see.
There comes a point where we all have to say at some time, enough is enough. As a parent we have a responsibility to get it together for our child/children.
I know, because my son’s dad walked out when I was pregnant, came back when he was an infant and made life hell. I decided my son and I deserved better, removed his Dad from our lives, and moved on.
You are bringing great dysfunction into your daughters life and this does not have to be. You have the ability to stop this nonsense. I am sorry to say I agree with the others who say they don’t see any improvement on your end. And I also suspect you are not being fully honest and transparent with the therapist, because you don’t want to hear more along the lines of what we have all been saying for two months.
Beth, while we all want to see Beth get well, you to want it the most. This is all in your power to change. I think you want to stay stuck, as long as it means you can hold onto hope for something that will never be.
I’ve never seen anyone want to be rejected so many times. And while I know you don’t really want to be rejected Beth, that is the reality of what will almost certainly happen again. But it doesn’t have to, if you just let go of it all.
We have tried to be blunt to save you from greater pain, but I see that you are not likely to ever listen.
Maybe this man needs to reject you in such a harsh, brutal, vicious way before you will believe it. That seems to be the case, and I wish it wasn’t so.
Good luck, you are going to need it. And I pray for your little girl who is the biggest casualty in all this.
Checking in on you….how are you? I know you said you were going to contact him on Tuesday – did you?
I hope all is well.
i have not been on for a few reasons..
have had some health (bad) news
and among other things…..
he txted me last Thursday (he went on holiday/vacation) he txted me from Thailand–I picked him up from the airport but that was not the time to talk–he was up 40+ hours and traveling for about 30–
we then spoke on Monday…there is more going on with him then I had thought
he has lapsed and has been drinking again –a lot (more than I ever thought)
he never drank in front of me–maybe a beer or two –but it is much worse than that
we talked and the priority is for him to get well–he knows his life is on the down spiral—he feels and says that if he doesn’t take care of this forst he won’t be able to get back to working the job he loves, be a good father, or anything else.
he said if I keep doing this and going this way it’s going to literally kill him
he cant be there for me–he said he needs to be selfish–and get well before he can think about anyting else— which I understand
he’s in a very bad place (he didn’t explain this to me before) now it makes sense when he said some of the other things –such as ” it is not me”
he said right now all he can offer is a friend —
I am hurt but my mind has shifted in a sense…
is there a future–I don’t know–can there be? I don’t know
maybe not…..but he needs help —
it makes sense why he was drifting…
he said the alcoholism had been getting worse and worse for some time now (end October) which follows suit to when in November he was asking for time (to try and fix things for himself) he said he was hesitant to share all of this for fear of what I would think of him
I told him I would be a friend and would be there.
I did ask him if he could see us getting back together and he said he honestly didn’t know—he said he had to get better before he could think of anything or anybody else….
it hurts but it makes sense and I unbderstand
I can’t believe that even after he told you all of that, YOUR MAIN CONCERN IS STILL GETTING BACK TOGETHER! This is not about you! Stop being selfish and realize that this man has problems and he needs to be away from you in order to get himself together because as he said, if you keep acting clingy, needy and desperate, it will KILL him. Is that what you want? Is your need to be loved by this man so out of control that you’re willing to overlook his personal problems just so you can get some love and attention? In the end, this man will grow to resent you for being so overbearing and he will NOT want you back. When he gets better, he will end up with someone else and not you. Being “friends” will not create attraction and connection. All it will do is put you in the friend zone. Leave him alone and focus on getting your own self better. I’m begging you. You’re too dependent on this man and it’s taking a toll on him!
I think you need to have a careful look at why you want to be ‘there’ for this man. It seems as though you are holding on to the hope that there will be a relationship once he emerges from his issues. I don’t think that you holding on to that hope is going to do your self esteem the slightest bit of good, and for your daughter’s sake, you need out of this situation. You don’t want to be hanging around for someone with a serious drink problem and he’s been very honest with you that he is NOT interested in a relationship. You can’t save him, you can’t do anything and, I will be frank, I think it’s pretty selfish asking him about getting back together when the guy is clearly in a fragile state and needs to focus on his own issues.
Leave him alone and focus on yours. You’re only going to keep getting hurt.
You posted that as I was writing my post. I completely agree – it’s really selfish to listen to someone pour their problems out and for Beth just to think, “Yes, but MEEEEEE”.
The man is ill. He has serious issues. He needs help. He doesn’t need you hovering about like a wet weekend thinking about yourself and sucking the life out of him.
Leave the poor bloke alone. I actually feel for him.
This is exactly what Codependancy looks like. Nothing healthy going on here. And it’s sad to watch someone continue to choose to bang their head against a wall and learn…………..Nothing.
Tough love alert:
You received bad health news? First of all, are you ok? Secondly…
1) You’ve lost every shred of dignity. Picking him up from the airport after he happily takes off to Thailand? Making excuses for his absence?
2) You have allowed yourself to descend into a dark pit of despair because anything else doesn’t feel normal to you. It’s called co-dependency. Not the same as dependency, although you suffer from that too. Don’t know it, look it up in depth. I highly suggest you do two things:
a) Order the book Codependent No More
b) Do a search for Codependents Anonymous support groups near your area and ATTEND, no matter how painful or uncomfortable it is. Therapy is not enough in these cases.
3) You’re subconsciously feeding off his weakness. He’s in no frame of mind to communicate about this with you on ANY LEVEL and you’re taking advantage of that by holding out hope. You refused to listen to him the first 8 times. So you’re banking on the fact that because he’s weak right now, he NEEDS you and you’re biding your time with his silence and seemingly non-committal responses. He won’t slap you in the face and tell you no, we get that, but you refuse to accept it’s over. What part of “You’re killing me, Beth” don’t you understand? How do you even feel human asking him to get back together? Don’t you realize that you’re turning this into a situation about you?
4) Stop biding your time and “being there for him” as he’s “going through a hard time.” Your daughter is the victim in all this, but you refuse to see it. How do you think it feels to have her come home to a mother that’s focused on anyone but her? That’s vomiting up her food and barely functioning, as you’ve mentioned? I’m only going by what you’ve echoed in this entire thread, so I’m not trying to dictate how you should be as a mother. But I worry that this will all come to a head in the worst possible way and your child may be taken away from you. Is that what you want?
We care for you and want to see you get better, but you don’t want to. That much is clear.
I would not want this guy around my child. Not sure what he was doing in Thailand but it is notorious….and the drinking – he’s an alcoholic.
Beth, you need to drop this guy like a hot potato. It is time to focus on what is good for you and your daughter. He’s NOT – so he’s OUT. Only allow what is good around you. This is the only thing you need to focus on right now.
I hope that things are okay with your health – this needs to be the focus. Think about your little girl.
I’m going to be even more blunt.
Not only is this guy someone who should never be around your child, he’s a total mess, but you are worse, because you are the one bringing all the crazy in. And it’s terrible you are not putting your daughter and her needs first.
Instead of chasing after this man and making a complete fool of yourself, your number one concern should be your child.
I knew that once I became a mom I had a responsibility to the little person I brought into this world. A responsibility that exceeded my own selfish desires, if they contradicted what was best for my son.
I truly hope whatever the health issue is, that it is nothing serious. But it’s time to grow up and be a responsible adult.
It’s a shame you don’t have any family to shake some sense into you, because this is really unfair to an innocent child.
If I was her father I would be concerned about her being with you in this state.
After reading your most recent posting Beth, I saw myself… 2 years ago.
My ex used the same lines… Needing to be selfish, needing to get well first, needing space, not fit to work, can’t function in a relationship. Etc etc etc
Time after time the ladies here suggested I read the book Co Dependency No more. Eventually I gave in and bought it. It was like it was written about me.
Naturally I’m a nurturer and a fixer. You are too. And like me, to the point where he ends up becoming more of a priority then your children. My ex was an alcoholic. I just left one night, to go and deal with him, in a drunken stupor, so thought he was going to kill himself. And I had to bring him home to sober up, where my kids saw this mess.
I’m ashamed now that my self esteem was so low that I allowed myself to stay in this chaos. At the time, like you, I loved this guy SO much. So much it nearly killed me. I became a shell of who I was. He was, at the time the love of my life, and it hurt, so damn much.
I’ve followed your post, but honey, you need to walk now. As hard as it will be, and with every ounce of courage you have. Because trust me…he won’t respect you for sticking around.
20 months after my break up, which he ended, only now do I have the courage to ignore him, and truely feel in my heart I am over it. He still re enters my life with his crap. I won’t take it now. He won’t change.
Because if he truely does want to change, he only will once you’ve left his life and he realises what he’s lost. Enabling him to continue this crap will do exactly that…continue this crap!
I’ve really wondered if this is fake. Reading through it and it doesn’t sound right at all..
You have a daughter, he is an alcoholic, what else is there to say? You must walk away.
And yes, I agree with Jessica, Thailand is notorious for cheap whoring.
I am sorry about your health issues, I hope is is something short term, but in any case, it is time YOU become selfish and start looking after yourself and your daughter. Leave this guy alone to deal with his demons. He is not going to bring anything positive into your life or your daughter’s life, quite the opposite, he can cause a lot of harm, long-term harm for your daughter, indirectly via you, and directly, via his behaviour.
This is post 800… let’s allow it to be the last one. This situation is fucked up beyond belief to the point it really does make one wonder if it’s real, but then truth is often stranger than any fiction. Beth isn’t willing or able to hear any of this advice, much less act on it. At this rate, it will take her years of therapy to be able to have a healthy relationship. There is nothing anyone can do and not another word anyone else can say that will make one bit of difference here. Wish you the best Beth and hope that someday you can work this out, for your sake and most of the all the sake of your little girl.