Struggling to move on …

Thanks so much for your reply, Maddie. I really appreciate your insight. I think it’s just thrown me through a loop because it was so out of character/out of nowhere. We spent the weekend before the conversation where he ended it away together and everything was so romantic and wonderful. Four days later we were talking about a trip we are going to plan for us and the kids. Up to two days before that conversation I was getting multiple texts a day about how wonderful I am and how much he missed me. The day before he seemed off which is why I asked about it. We talked the next day and poof – relationship gone and over and NC since. I know he is an avoidant. He’s told me that before. I know he would rather sweep things under the rug than deal with them. He’s been honest about that too. I have really bad relationship anxiety and I tend to shut down/run away when it looks like I’m going to be hurt which is why I told him I couldn’t give him a few more days to think about what he wanted to do about us (because like you said – it seemed there was an issue there with where we are in our lives right now that makes us incompatible so what would change in a few days?) I’m just wondering now if I made the right decision by not giving him that time (when I know how he is with conflict) and if I shouldn’t have told him I was going to block him (because obviously I wish he’d reach out.) It’s just been such a nightmare these past two weeks and I miss him so much. It’s heartbreaking really.

Thank you so much for saying that, Angie. I’ve been torturing myself with this so it really helps hearing from others that they think I made the right decision. I know in my heart of hearts it was the right move but it’s tough not to question that when I have the feelings I have. I wish I could fast forward a month or so. I did book an impromptu very short trip last week. I’m away right now (got here yesterday afternoon.) Yesterday wasn’t great. I was very cognizant of the fact that I’m here to clear my head and get over him which just made me focus on him. I got a good night’s sleep though and I’m feeling pretty good today so hopefully it’ll be better. Thank you again.

Hi Maddie! Thank you so much again for weighing in here. I stopped for lunch and happened to see your comment so I googled as you suggested. That is NOT a cycle I want in my life. As great a partner as he was I really am in a place where things are overall secure and healthy and I need that from my partner as well. I’ve been on medication for anxiety for a few years now but after this breakup sent me into a tailspin I started therapy as well. It does seem to be helping so far. And as you said – my therapist says that my anxious style must’ve come from somewhere but we haven’t gotten to the bottom of that yet. It does help talking to someone and my friends have been wonderfully supportive. I just hate burdening them with this over and over again and this guy is proving tough to get over. I know it’s only been two weeks and in the grand scheme of things that isn’t very long. But usually by now I’m in a much better headspace. I need to learn to give myself a little grace – I know. But I can’t help but wonder if he’s sad and missing me too and kicking himself for handling things the way he did. Not where my focus should be at all. I know that. And I’ve been overall keeping perspective but the last two days – since my ice cream date – have been hard. I never expected that reaction (from me!) to meeting a nice man who bought me ice cream. Ugh.

Pls dont regret your decision. You told him you dont want to hang around indefinitely till he decides. Nothing wrng in that. He cld hv been a little understanding and tried to quantify the waiting time. He cld hv made an effort and told you to just give him few weeks to figure out how to best manage the situation. He didnt. He accepted what you suggsted and let you walk away. Dint even try. What cld u hv done? You may feel hurt and sad for few weeks. Thats natural. But u did right and u dont need to over analyse your decision. Its just been a short while. It does get better if u give it few more weeks. And btw, well done. You stood up for yourself.

Natalie. Tough love and hard truth time to help you stop torturing yourself over this guy.

1) He was NOT going to take three days and come back and tell you he decided he wanted to continue the relationship. He was going to take three days to figure out how to let you down easy. How do I know that for sure? Because he couldn’t explain what difference three days would have made (because the answer was none) and then he immediately ended the relationship. How would you have felt if he’d taken three days and come back and told you it was over? Not good. So you stood up for yourself and spared him from taking the time and energy of three days from you during which you would have worried and agonized. Here’s the deal – if someone needs to think about whether or not they want to be in the relationship, the answer is clearly NO. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s always a no.

2) You (and anyone) will never be anything more than a bit player in the drama of a man and his toxic ex. It’s a sucky role. I know, I’ve taken it and I will never take it again and I strongly encourage all women to say no to being with a man like this. Your relationship will never be first. Ever. You and all women deserve a lot better. Don’t settle for this crappy position. It’s really not any better than side chick.

3) You showed good boundaries and you protected yourself. That’s what you should do 100% of the time. No man is worth lowering your standards to keep around. And he won’t respect you. On some rare occasions when a woman puts up a strong, healthy boundary, a man goes away and thinks about it and decides to up his game because he really wants to be with her and decides to do the work to be a better man. This guy won’t, he’s got too much going on with the ex. But that’s how it works in the case a man decides to step up.

4) If the kids were really saying Dad didn’t have time for us because he has a GF, he’s got problems with the ex AND the kids. And they’re young. This drama will likely go on for years. And what if he gets full custody again at some point?? This may be a nice guy you had fun with, but he’s NOT relationship material by a long shot. And sure not husband material. His finances are probably a mess from the divorce and paying her. And if he has to keep paying lawyers, that will affect your life together.

5) YOUR children would also at some point be affected by his mess. Don’t subject them to that.

6) He should be prioritizing his relationship with his children right now, if he’s any kind of a decent guy. Dating any more than very casually really isn’t a good idea for him. You wanted what he just didn’t have to give and that’s no bad reflection on you. This isn’t the right time in his life for him to get into another serious relationship, from what you’re describing. His ex will make sure she sabotages it and until he can find a way to shut her down, he’s really no good for any woman looking for anything more than a few laughs on a night out here and there.

You dodged a bullet here. Rejection really is protection in this instance. You aren’t missing anything healthy or good with this man. Grieve the loss and move on, and in the future screen out guys who are still dealing with an ex.

Tammy – with respect, you’re applying female logic and female thinking to a man. They think very, very differently than we do.

You bring up some valid points, but if this man really wanted the OP in his life, he would have been able to address the OP’s question and address what he needed three days to do and he absolutely wouldn’t have immediately said if you’re making me choose right now then I’m out. That’s not the behavior of someone who really wants to be in the relationship. That’s someone who’s looking for a way out. He was withdrawing and the OP called him on it. He wasn’t communicating openly and he’d already had “time to think”, the “toxic ex” clearly isn’t a brand new problem out of the blue.

He’s not ready, willing or able to stand up to the ex. I’ve seen men stand up to toxic exes, shut them down cold and prioritize the new relationship – without the children being neglected. This man ain’t doing the job right now. Men often feel guilt about not being with their kids every day and the family unit being broken up. Women can play on that. I’ve seen men leave a bad marriage and then go back for the kids, out of sheer guilt and not out of any great love for the ex. I’ve seen men not leave when they clearly should. Think Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.

I’m not trying to start a fight with you as your opinion is certainly as valid as anyone else’s here and we respect each other here when we disagree. Just felt I had to point out the angle of applying female thinking to male behavior – common mistake women make.

Anyway, I’ve now said my piece on this post so I”ll bow out. Good luck Natalie. I think you did the right thing and you’ve lost nothing of any great value for the reasons I’ve stated above.

Great points Angie! I always say that we should think more like men, would any men be interested in dating a woman with a toxic ex? I doubt it.

(To be clearer, the big problem is he’s a bad or immature communicator, and you can’t have that in a situation complicated by children and toxic exes, it will lead to things not working and to drama. And that wasn’t the only problem in this situation, either, just a big one.)

Sorry – I do want to add one more thing in defense of why this has been so hard for me and why I miss him so much/can’t get over him.

In the week leading up to the breakup (before the two days or so of him acting distant), he took me to the Ritz Carlton for a romantic dinner and overnight. While we were away, he asked random strangers to take our picture together so that he could show friends who had been asking what I look like. He had just gotten his bonus and told me he was earmarking 10k so that we could take the kids away on a joint trip. A friend texted him asking if he and I were around because the friend was out and about in his town – the friend used my name and I’ve never even met the guy (the ex showed me the text.) So all of this – just a week prior – had me believing we were moving in the right direction and that we were on the same page. And then WHAM – we’re done! I don’t think he spent any amount of time thinking he didn’t want to be with me or wanted to break up. During the break up conversation he told me both kids had a really bad night (they were crying and it was difficult for him to get them down for the night.) I almost feel like that is why the relationship ended the way it did. I don’t think he called me with the intention of ending it (in fact when I texted him earlier calling him out about his distant behavior that day and the day before I said I didn’t mean to pry and he responded saying he always wanted me to pry because it’s not prying and he always wanted me to feel comfortable in our relationship.) It just makes no sense and it’s just been a really hard pill to swallow.

men who want you won’t need a 3 days to make a decision . I was asked once to wait a week, for the guy to make his mind up and I was like, no way he needs a week to decide if i am worthy or not, he clearly made a decision way before he even said anything.

Natalie, I’m just going to say this in hopes of relieving your confusion and pain… divorced men frequently behave like this. They think they’re ready to move on, they’re used to being in a relationship and they liked that feeling, so it feels good to them to meet a new woman and start building a new life with her. But they are fooling themselves. They are not ready. Some little thing happens – in this case his kids tried his patience – and then they realize they are not ready, they jam on the brakes, turn tail and run from a woman they were pursuing hotly. Leaving her blindsided and heartbroken. It was nothing she did. It’s very unfair. That’s why it’s not a good idea to date men recently divorced and/or still dealing with a toxic ex. You wind up as collateral damage of their last relationship. And as far as taking you to the Ritz and making all those other promises… that’s future faking. Take any promises like this in the first 90 days with a large grain of salt. Anything a man says in the first 90 days should be taken as, that’s nice… we’ll see. And you don’t take it seriously until it happens. I don’t think he meant to hurt you or break up with you. He isn’t as ready to move on as he thought. He knows where you live. If he uses this incident to face his stuff, he might be back (but don’t count on it and you may not want him back at that point anyway). This relationship the way it was going was never going to work out, with where he is in life. Nothing to do with you, nothing you could have done differently for a different outcome.