When a Man Doesn’t Want You…
If you’re single and dating, you will most likely have the magical experience of meeting a guy you really like. Like really. He has everything you’ve ever wanted in a guy. He’s fun to be around, he’s as great to look at as he is to talk to, and he’s an all-around awesome guy. The catch? He doesn’t want you.
It is the worst possible feeling there is. Even worse than a breakup sometimes. You don’t get it. Everything seemed so great, what’s the problem? Why doesn’t he want me?
You can’t help but travel along the path of negativity. Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not interesting enough? It must be something!
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I have been through this so many times. Being wanted, but not wanted enough. And it’s crushing. I think the most devastating case for me was good old Kevin the Damage Case.
We had electric chemistry, we got along, could talk for hours and hours, we had similar goals and values … but he just didn’t want to be with me. He just didn’t “see it.”
I call him a damage case for a reason. He’s pretty emotionally damaged. He never had a healthy relationship before me and had a bunch of other issues. I knew this, but I still thought I could be the exception. I thought I could be the woman that inspired him to change. I thought that if only I were “enough” he would be healed. I thought what a lot of women think and like all those women, I got painfully burned.
I just couldn’t accept the reality of the situation. He likes me and I like him. We’re so good together … so why aren’t we actually together?
Maybe it’s his damage, maybe it’s that we just weren’t a match (in time I realize it’s actually a combination of both), the reasons don’t matter, the facts do.
And here’s something very important to understand about men …
Guys are either all in, or not.
There is not really a middle ground. But the “not” covers a wide range. It covers the guy who is totally not interested in you whatsoever, to the guy who is semi-interested but not enough. When a guy likes you, he is all in. And it is obvious. As in, clear as day, no room for interpretation or doubt.
No excuse he gives is going to give you the clarity you crave. Maybe he says he’s stressed at work, now isn’t the right time, he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship, he likes things the way they are right now …. but it’s all just code for he doesn’t want to be with you.
When I was single and dating, a friend put it to me like this: “You want a guy who is going to look at you and say, ‘I can’t believe you exist.’ And something clicked inside and I realized, that’s what I want! None of the guys in my life had ever given me that. All they gave me was uncertainty and doubts and feelings of not being enough.
It was a few years after that conversation that I started dating my husband. And I think it was maybe on our third date he looked me dead in the eye and said, “I just can’t believe you’re real. Where have you been all this time?” And he gave me the look. The “I can’t believe you exist and you’re mine” look. That isn’t some unrealistic Hollywood ideal. That’s what it looks like to be thoroughly wanted. A guy sending you texts here and there and being all in some days and vanished without a trace others is a guy who does not want you in the way you want to be wanted. He doesn’t want you in the way that actually matters.
Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t want a relationship?
So if a guy doesn’t want you, why doesn’t he just let you go? Why does he keep reappearing (and always just when you start moving on)?
Well … it’s not always so cut and dry. He may not want a relationship with you, but that doesn’t mean he has zero feelings for you. He may be attracted to you, he may enjoy your company, he may find you to be a really cool chick … he just doesn’t want to be with you and like I said, the reasons don’t matter. You just need to take it at face value and try not to take it personally.
If he doesn’t want to be with you in the way you want, it’s not because you’re unlovable, undesirable, or flawed in some way. It’s not because he’s a bad guy with bad intentions who wants to break your heart. It’s not because he’s trying to play you. It’s mostly due to circumstances and choices. Some of this is under your control, and some isn’t.
I am the type of person who always needs to know. That’s probably how I ended up doing this for a living! So if you’re like me and need a reason, well here are some of the most common ones …
Reasons He Doesn’t Want You:
1. He doesn’t want anyone.
He might just not be in a place where he can give anything to anyone. This is common with the “damage cases.” Sometimes people just have too much going on in their lives and this puts them in a very self-absorbed state of mind, rendering them incapable of giving anything to anyone else.
It’s not your job to be his therapist and solve his problems for him. This is a mistake I’ve made many times over. You think if only you love him enough, if only you show him the right amount of appreciation, then he’ll break through his walls and be the man you need him to be. It doesn’t work like that. You want a partner, not a project.
2. You just aren’t a match.
I know it feels personal, I know it feels like there must be something wrong with you, but there isn’t. Sometimes it just isn’t a match. There will be times when you’ll have the clarity, and you’ll break some poor guy’s heart. And other times, the guy will have the clarity and you’ll be the one who just doesn’t get it because doesn’t he see how perfect you are together??
If it’s not a match, it’s not a match. You can’t force him to be with you or change his mind. All you can control is yourself. So just take it for what it is and don’t beat yourself up over it because what good will that do?
3. There are certain things he doesn’t like about you.
Life is an evolution, and it can take a lifetime to become our best selves. You may not be there, some are farther away than others.
Maybe you are terribly insecure, maybe you’re a highly anxious person, maybe you’re negative and complain a lot. Or maybe you just have a strong, outgoing personality and he likes girls on the more soft-spoken side. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means you don’t fit what it is he wants or needs and that’s fine!
All you can do is work on yourself and try to be your best self. If you do that, then you know that you did all you can and anything beyond that is outside of your control.
4. Different goals/values
Things that may not be a big deal to you might be a very big deal to him. We all have what’s important to us, and these things carry different levels of importance.
Men tend to take a more practical approach to relationships than most women. Women see the potential of what could be and hold on tight to that ideal. Guys see what is. If something important isn’t there, then he won’t treat the relationship like a fixer-up project, he will cut his losses.
5. The timing isn’t right.
As they say … timing is everything. My husband and I weaved in and out of each other’s lives for 11 years before finally realizing we should date again (we dated in high-school), and from there it took about two dates for us to realize we were perfect for each other. I’mt not saying you should wait around for a guy to change his mind, that is the worst thing you can do.
Move on, live life, date other guys, work on yourself, do all the good things. And then just see what happens. You are not the author of your life, you can’t write your perfect ending or steer the story in a certain direction. You just don’t know what’s going to happen next.
Above all else, when a man tells you he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, believe him. This is where a lot of women go wrong. They continue to act like his girlfriend even though he made it clear that’s not what he wants, and then she gets upset when he doesn’t act like a boyfriend. You hold him up to some standard that isn’t fair because he never wanted to be cast in the role.
You are 100% single until he clearly and explicitly locks it down. That means you can “do you” and he can do him. If he sees that you aren’t committing yourself to him and he might lose you to some other guy while he’s sitting on the fence, and if he really likes you, then he’ll step up and will commit. If he continues to be indifferent, then he just doesn’t like you enough and at least now you know so you don’t waste any more time.
The biggest factor in your relationship success is who you pick and how you pick them. It comes down to the following:
• Great relationships don’t happen because you turn a “no” into a “yes.”
• Great relationships happen because you said “no” to the men who didn’t want you to make room for the one who does.
• Don’t say “yes” to the man you should be saying “no” to.
That’s really all you need to know!
I hope this article helped you gain clarity on why the guy you want doesn’t want you back. Now there is more you need to know. At some point, a man will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine whether the relationship deepens or ends. Do you know how a man decides a woman is girlfriend or wife material? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
The next issue a lot of women will face is when he seems to be losing interest, withdrawing, or going cold. Do you know what to do? If not, read this next: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...
Take The Quiz: Does He Like You?
In summary …
These Are the Most Likely Reasons He Doesn’t Want You:
- He doesn’t want anyone.
- You aren’t a match.
- There are certain things he doesn’t like about you.
- Different goals/values.
- The timing isn’t right.