OK, stop me if you’ve heard this one before. You meet a guy you feel the spark, numbers are exchanged, you go out a few times, and everything seems to be going great.
And just as you start to get really excited about all the potential and possibilities … he’s gone. Either he does the “fadeaway” and pulls away slowly over time, or he straight up ghosts you and vanishes into the abyss.
What. Just. Happened.
What just happened?!
Things were just ramping up! Everything was going so well! And now he’s just gone?!
It’s a painful, dizzying, knock-you-sideways kind of feeling. You just don’t get it.
But you will. I’m going to explain everything to you so keep reading.
Take The Quiz: Is He Losing Interest?
Here is why it can feel so confusing to us. When a woman loses interest in a guy, she usually has a tangible reason why. For guys, it’s not always like that. Oftentimes, he loses interest because he just didn’t feel it anymore. Most of the time he can’t give an actual reason. He doesn’t know why he all of a sudden has no desire to call, text, or see this woman ever again.
Watch The Video: The Top 5 Reasons Why Men Disappear on You and What You Can Do
These are the most likely reasons why he lost interest in you and disappeared:
1. You were obsessed with the potential
You were solely focused on the potential of what could be … on where this could go … and maybe you got a little too carried away with it.
You weren’t seeing him for who he is because you didn’t even know him yet. Maybe you were seeing this as an opportunity to finally be in a relationship … rather an opportunity to connect with someone else and get to know them.
People intuitively sense it when someone is interacting with us as an object, as a means to fulfill their own desires. You aren’t connecting to his true essence, you are connecting to an ideal.
Also, no man wants to feel like he’s filling a slot that any other guy can fill. He wants to feel chosen for how unique and special he is … not settled upon because he happens to be here and he checks some boxes and you desperately want a boyfriend.
2. You’re too desperate
You want him and want him to want you, and that’s all you’re focused on
But the stench of desperation poisons everything, and you can’t mask it no matter how hard you try.
When you want him, you’ll put up with a lot of bad behaviors because you just want him to like you. You want to seem like the “cool girl” who has no needs and lets him do what he wants. You don’t want to be that naggy, needy woman so you let him get away with everything and are too scared to voice your feelings for fear of rocking the boat. But this doesn’t get him to like you, it just makes you come across as someone with no standards and no self-respect who will tolerate any treatment from him.
The minute you’re the one trying to win him over, the dynamic totally changes and that’s how you get sucked in a dead-end relationship or in no relationship because he just leaves.
Desperation comes from needing validation- the feeling of I’m not OK and this person makes you feel OK so you cling onto him for dear life.
3. You stress over the relationship instead of enjoying it
Ever notice the guys you’re lukewarm about end up obsessed with you, and the guys you really like ghost you or dump you or string you along?
Well chances are, it’s because you’re not obsessing over the Lukewarm ones. You’re curious, you’re discovering them, you’re learning about them, and you’re deciding how you feel. You having chosen him and committed yourself to making this work and that gives him space to really like you back.
With the guy you feel a strong pull toward, you decided! He is it and you will make this work no matter what!
And as a result, you obsess and stress. You play and replay every interaction. You can’t just be. You’re always worried. Always on edge. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Guys can pick up on this and it’s a very unattractive energy.
4. You commit too quick
You act like his girlfriend before you are this girlfriend. You’re so scared of losing him, you’ll do anything to keep him.
Essentially, you and he are on two different pages. He’s still feeling you out, and you are already sold.
This is too much pressure for a guy. Guys appreciate having the freedom and the space to choose … they do not appreciate being backed into a corner and forced into a commitment.
And a guy does not feel compelled to commit because you’ve devoted yourself to him. If anything, that’s unappealing because it doesn’t feel earned. We can never truly appreciate the value of something that we didn’t earn.
5. He was never that into you in the first place
A lot of the time we want him to feel a certain way about us and we want it so badly that we hone in on specific things rather than looking at the big picture.
You can’t look at individual puzzle pieces, because they can be interpreted in any way you’d like. You need to look at the full picture.
Sometimes guys just say things. What he says isn’t an accurate indication of how he feels. Men communicate through actions more than words. So if he tells you he really likes you, but then he disappears for days at a time and blows you off and won’t make it official, then he doesn’t really like you. If he says he likes you, and he backs it up with actions, then he probably does like you.
6. You choose guys who can’t give you what you want
Ladies, this was me for a very long time so I’m with you.
You go after the damage cases, the guys who are selfish or emotionally unavailable, and then feel devastated when they won’t commit.
These guys are usually charming and attractive and exciting, but you can’t have them. They’re too broken or damaged or not ready for a relationship. You think you can fix them, that you can save them. So you try and try and in the end, you get nothing but a broken heart.
MORE: Why Men Disappear
What usually happens is either you pour your heart and soul into this guy, but he still doesn’t change and eventually, the relationship falls apart. Or, you do heal him … and then he dumps you for some other girl because he has now come to associate you with those miserable feelings he experienced when he was in his damage phase and he wants to start all over with someone shiny and new.
So why do we do this? Why do we latch onto these guys who clearly aren’t as into it as we are?
Well, it’s because there is a part of them that makes us feel OK. Maybe it’s validating when he does seem to return our affection. When you meet a guy who makes you feel Ok, the need for that feeling becomes overwhelming and you latch on forcefully, maybe without realizing it. It’s about filling your emotional void more than it is learning what he’s about.
Or maybe deep down you don’t believe you’re worthy of love so you choose guys who can never truly love you.
Either way, the solution to this and to any of the points listed in this article is to work on yourself. Identify your weak spots and try to fix them in whatever way you can. Work on your self-esteem and sense of self-love.
I hope this article helped you better understand why things haven’t worked out for you in the past. And hopefully, now you can move forward with a better understanding of relationships and yourself. If you want to know more about what men want in a relationship and what makes a man see a woman as “the one,” read this next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
And if you want to know what to do when a man pulls away and takes space, read this too:If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...