I was in what I thought was a serious relationship for a year and half with my best friend. He developed a crush on me and after me rejecting him for 6 months we finally started dating. I fell in love fast and hard and he seemed to feel the same way.
However, he cheated on me recently and I’m confused as to why. He apologized and said he loves me no matter what but I’m not sure if I should take him back or if he really means it. He has stopped calling But we have gone on breaks before.
Do u think he really loves me? If so what do u think I should do?
Here’s the thing about relationships: Sometimes we assume that the other person has it all figured out, when they don’t…
When someone chooses us… or even pursues us hard… and we fall deeply in love and everything is all flowers and sunshine, it can be easy to assume that they’ve made their choice and they’ve chosen us. Case closed. Done deal.
And to some extent, maybe they did. Maybe they all sure on every level of their being that being with you is the best choice for them and that you’re “the one”.
Or… maybe they’re pretty sure. Or maybe they “thought they were sure, but now… they’re not sure or even doubting their thoughts about you”.
The thing is, you really don’t know.
Moreover, the majority of people (primarily 30 years old or younger) are still figuring themselves and their life out. And as they figure themselves out, they may be having internal conflicts that end up causing problems in your relationship.
And beyond that, it takes two people to be in a relationship. As is the case for him, so might be the case for you. There’s more to you than just the “you” who’s in the relationship. I’m sure you have your own share of internal issues that you deal with that have nothing to do with him, but still affected your relationship.
My point in pointing all of this out is that his reasons for cheating might have had nothing to do with you or your relationship and might have had everything to do with him and something he’s struggling with about himself.
The biggest enemy in relationship is the tendency to take things personally.
He said that he loves you and he probably meant it.
Problem is, if you make him cheating “about you”, then you’ll never really be able to understand why he really cheated (and you’ll never be able to forgive him or move past it). What he felt he needed from it? It would take a lot of strength on his part to be able to truly express what compelled him to cheat and it would take tremendous strength on your part to be able to hear it without taking it personally, blaming or judging him.
Still, if you could manage to talk to each other about it on that level, it’s quite possible that it would take your level to a better and deeper place. Or, you might find that both of you are no longer right for each other, but you would at least be able to dissolve the relationship from a place of understanding and openness (versus most breakups which are characterized by anger, blame, paranoia, etc.)
What I’m talking about here is to talk about it and really, truly give him space to tell you all about it. Giving him that space needs to be absolute though – you have to be willing to hear anything and everything from him and not interrupt, attack or take it personally. He would need to be able to speak his whole experience and feel “heard” by you.
If you can manage to have a talk like that with him, I think you’ll find it to be profoundly relieving for both of you and ultimately will lead to the best outcome possible (which may be breakup or it may be a deepening of the relationship).
If the relationship does go on, then you will need to find how to forgive him for it completely. It can’t be something that you harbor silent resentment about or use as a “card” to throw during a heated argument. When you accept and forgive, it needs to be all the way. You can’t half-forgive someone.
This is a tough situation, but you’ll be OK. Good luck.
Hope that helps,