Why Taylor Swift Sucks at Relationships (And What You Can Learn From Her) post image

Why Taylor Swift Sucks at Relationships (And What You Can Learn From Her)

If Taylor Swift keeps going on the same track in the love department, she may want to consider naming her next album: “Maybe It’s Me.” Seriously, girlfriend is gorgeous, rich, talented, sweet, and yet she can’t–for the life of her—seem to hang onto a man for more than a few months.

I don’t know Taylor personally. I do know people who have met and interviewed her  though and by all accounts, she’s an incredibly kind and genuine person, which is not something you find too often in Hollywood. The purpose of this article is not to bash her, but rather, to learn from her. I don’t really pay close attention to pop culture these days, but Taylor is one famous face who I can’t seem to escape, and who’s troubles in the love department have captured my attention (and sympathy!).

All I know is this is a girl who gives her all to relationships, usually gets burned as a result, then makes millions writing songs about it. It doesn’t sound like such a bad deal, but I’ll bet that Taylor would happily exchange a lot of those millions to find true love.

So where exactly is she going wrong?

Unrealistic Expectations
Like many women out there, Taylor can’t seem to resist the bad boys. In a recent interview with Parade magazine she confessed: “I think every girl’s dream is to find a bad boy at the right time, when he wants to not be bad anymore.”

I think we can call commiserate with her on this one. In theory, we’d all like a “nice, caring, sweet” guy who treats us like gold. In reality, we find ourselves drawn to the mean, troubled guys who can’t be bothered while secretly holding onto the hope that we’ll be the one to get him to change his evil ways.

One of the most essential rules when it comes to relationship is you can’t enter into a relationship with a dream or an ideal, you get into a relationship with an actual person. You need to take him for who he is, as he is. Period.

If a guy is a known womanizer with a reputation for breaking hearts (ahem, John Mayer), then there’s a high probability he will also break your heart. Maybe at some point he’ll change his ways, but unless he’s at that point right now you’d be best advised to stay far away. A bad boy doesn’t just wake up one day and decide he no longer wants to be bad. That may happen in movies, but it definitely ain’t real life. In the real world,  personal growth takes a lot of work and time.

She Falls Way Too Hard, Way Too Fast
When it comes to relationships, Taylor seems to go from 0 to 60 overnight. One day she’s spotted hanging out with a guy, the next she’s showering him with lavish gifts and showing up at his family events.

In the interview with Parade she explains: “I don’t think there’s an option for me to fall in love slowly, or at medium speed. I either do or I don’t. I don’t think it through, really, which is a good thing and a bad thing. You don’t look before you leap, which is like, ‘Yay, this is awesome! Let’s not think twice!’ And then you’re like, ‘We used to be flying. Now we’re falling. What’s happening?’”

What Taylor, and most girls out there, needs to realize is that a healthy relationship is one that begins with mutual interest that grows over time. An unhealthy relationship, conversely, usually starts with a magnetic pull that sucks you into the other person’s reality and takes you over. It’s a force that leaves no room for any thoughts in your head except those about him, a force that has you tensed up and holding your breath on the edge of your seat as you await the next call or text, a force that causes everything in your life that doesn’t include hanging out with him to lose any and all significance.

Unhealthy relationships are marked by high levels of infatuation and oftentimes, obsession. The tell-tale sign that the relationship is sprouted from unhealthy soil is if you experience these intense feelings before even getting to know the other person in a real way, and of course, justifying the way you feel by deeming it “love at first sight.”

To avoid being blindsided, or getting in over your head, it’s essential to go slow at the beginning of a relationship. Take time to get to know the other person on a real and honest level. If you can keep your head clear, you’ll be able to maintain a more objective perspective and won’t risk your judgement being compromised by a flood of infatuation-induced emotions.

She Leaves No Room for The Guy to Pursue her
A guy friend once told me that the minute a guy feels like a girl is chasing him, it’s all over. I have to say, there is a lot of truth in that statement. Guys enjoy the pursuit, plain and simple. That’s not to say they enjoy games, what they enjoy is the feeling of winning over a great girl, a girl who they worked for and had to earn. This isn’t only true of relationships (or men for that matter), it’s true across the boards: people in general value that which they had to work for significantly more than that which is given to them freely. (More: How to Make Men Chase You Without Playing Games)

Taylor doesn’t seem to leave any room for the pursuit. Instead, she latches on the second a guy shows any interest. From what I’ve read, Taylor tends to get a bit overzealous when a new relationship starts to bloom. She’ll buy a home near the guy’s house, she’ll buy extravagant gifts, she’ll go above and beyond to accommodate him. While all these things are nice, and while she certainly has the means for it, it’s just too much to do all this for a guy you’ve only been seeing for a few months. Plus, by being so aggressive, she leaves very little room for the guy to pursue her and when a guy doesn’t have that, his interest will quickly plummet.

She Doesn’t Know Mow Men Operate
According to Taylor’s song lyrics, she’s been blindsided more than a few times by guys who came on all strong in the beginning and then dropped her seemingly out of the blue. It may seem like the guys she dates are just jerks, but I think that’s unfair. I’m sure  at one point they did have feelings for her and were sincere when they pursued the relationship. However, without a basic understanding of how men operate when it comes to relationships, it’s all too easy to scare them away.

The guys Taylor dates aren’t just men, they’re famous men, which complicates things significantly. While most men do want a relationship with a great girl, men have a lot more reservations when it comes to entering into a relationship, namely, losing their freedom. Because of this, getting a regular guy to commit can sometimes be tricky. However, that’s child’s play compared to male celebrities who can have pretty much any girl, at any time, and do so with no strings attached. (More: 5 Things Every Girl Needs to Know About Men)

Taylor’s penchant for smothering  would be terrifying to a normal guy, so it’s no wonder she can’t get any of her celebrity boyfriends to stick around for more than a few months! Guys need an incentive to commit to a relationship, they need to clearly see that life as a bachelor pales significantly in comparison to the life they have with their girl. Taylor doesn’t seem to do this though. Instead, she feeds right into the fears most men have of being trapped and suffocated by a relationship.

She Too Needy:
Another recurring theme in Taylor’s love life is that the guys she dates seem to drop her in sudden, callous ways (i.e. 27 second phone calls). Taylor paints the guys out to be the bad ones, but as we’ve said before, when a guy feels a needy energy coming from a  woman, he will want to get away from her and get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Neediness is a death sentence for any relationship. It can manifest for all sorts of reasons but most often it occurs because the girl has some internal void that she believes can only be filled by a man. Taylor seems to always be dating someone, leaving little breathing room as she goes from one guy to the next. I admire the fact that she keeps getting back on the horse, but at some point, she may want to take a break from her relentless pursuit of love and just focus on being happy on her own.

I’m not saying this is exactly what’s going on, I just call it like I see it and what I see is a woman who is more in love with the idea of love than anything else. Guys can also pick up on this and it has no appeal. A guy wants to be chosen because of how smart, sexy, incredible, amazing, etc. he is as a person. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s filling some role that any other guy who’s interested could step into.

Got any thoughts on the matter? Please share in comments!

And check out this hilarious article that just proves the points I made in this article further: 7 Crazy Taylor Swift Girlfriend Moves in 2012.


Written by Sabrina Alexis

I’m Sabrina Alexis, the co-founder, and co-editor of A New Mode. I love writing relatable, insightful articles that help people understand relationship dynamics and how to get the love they want. I have a degree in psychology and have spent the last 10 years interviewing countless men and reading and studying as much as I can to better understand human psychology and how men operate. If you want to get in touch with me, hit me up on Facebook or Instagram.

75 comments… add one

Leave Your Comment Now...


Taylor’s problem is that until July of 2023 she dated boys.
There is a vast difference between boys and men.
Boys are not emotionally or mentally capable of satisfying a woman’s need for support and intellectual stimulation or physical need. They are far too wrapped up in self. Everything is about them. And the boys Taylor dated were artistic types who were busy being depressed or having their own needs tended to first or just unable to appreciate a woman of caliber.
Then in July of 2023 Taylor met and fell hard for a real man. One who had his own bank acct. Much more then the boys just starting out and broke she dated.
A man who had his own career, established ties and a huge rep. in his own world of sports. A man who was secure in himself and had fun with life. A man who knew how to treat a lady and had his manners. A man who was busy with his own charities, investments and had his own life established. a man who appreciated the special place Taylor held for him and was not afraid of love or the paparazzi that hounded her. A man who was prepared to step in and protect his lady love even if she had bodyguards. A man not afraid to show his deep love for her.

Reply May 3, 2024, 4:50 pm


Wow. This article is over ten years old. The concepts apply today as much as they did 10 or 100 years ago…even before there was language. As a former “Type A” where relationships were concerned, I wasn’t successful until I let the men…be men.

Reply May 17, 2023, 7:23 pm

Kayelyn Rhodes

To the feminist in this comment section. You are wrong. It’s not misogyny. I don’t allow the term “boy will be boys” in my house either. However, men and women are from different planets. Men are different than women because we are meant to COMPLIMENT each other. Bring different things to the relationship.

Taylor Swift is too needy. She almost behaves like a crazy obsessed women. I think therapy would benefit her greatly. Maybe with some therapy she can form a healthy, natural relationship. Her ideals are getting in the way. Honestly, if a man behaved the way she does I would go running for the hills.

Her behavior is terrifying to anyone who knows right vs wrong. Men aren’t the enemy. This article is correct in stating that Taylor needs to change her ways or be single forever.

Reply December 2, 2021, 5:39 am


I’m now seeing this in 2021 – but I must say, This is very insightful! Very good advice for women of any age.

Reply October 8, 2021, 3:37 pm

Megan Robinson

Fantastic article!

Reply July 29, 2021, 12:14 am


What do you expect from the rich and famous? Self centered, egotistic and in some cases crazy. She uses boyfriends to make boo hoo songs, poor Taylor. What a con!

Reply March 1, 2021, 11:01 am

David Sumner

Article is very well written and dead on.

Reply April 15, 2020, 12:23 pm


Author is wrong here. First, Taylor Swift is not a genuine person. She cooks up drama by pretending to be a victim who’s being bullied when she’s the one doing the bullying.

And “bad boys”? You’ve got to be kidding. Every boy (and yes, they’re all boys, not men) she has been with is a wimp. She has to be the strong one, so she can’t be with real men.

Taylor Swift also uses her boyfriends as muses. Dumps them then trashes them in songs.

She’ll never have a real relationship with someone who is an equal because she has to be in control all the time.

Reply January 28, 2020, 6:54 am


Uhm right so “She’ll never have a real relationship with someone who is an equal” so what about her current very happy relationship that she’s been in for 5+ years, huh? Homegirl, grow up and stop hating on other women that you know nothing about, it’s quite unflattering.

Reply December 12, 2021, 11:52 pm


They just broke up. Guess they weren’t happy enough to go the distance.

Reply April 10, 2023, 2:33 am


Well, actually she just dropped “ME!” single for next album.
Beat me

Reply May 15, 2019, 12:29 pm


I am so tired of the ”boys will be boys specially the famous ones because they have a lot of variety” well so does she and she enjoys it and I’m happy for her. I don’t believe that the reason for all of Taylor’s breakups are the men and not even a tiny bit her but I definitely disagree with you. If I’m confident in my feelings why would I wait for the guy to pursue me? To feed his ego? And nomatter how clingy the person is as long as ya’ll are in a formal relationship you owe them a conversation. And also, you make it seem like all of Taylor’s relationships were one sided. She didn’t “show up” to the guy’s parents’ house. They invited her. This honestly seems misogynistic. Sorry not sorry.

Reply February 26, 2019, 11:10 am

Kayelyn Rhodes

So in your mind women can do no wrong no matter what they do? Hmm that doesn’t seem right.

Taylor bought a house across from one guy after a very short time of dating. That is borderline stalking. If a man behaved the way she is behaving they’d already be arrested. She needs therapy or her behavior will get her into trouble.

Her behavior is not okay and women should not behave like her. This article is spot on when it comes to what goes wrong in the relationships. It’s Taylor herself.

Not sorry.

Reply December 2, 2021, 5:50 am

saurabh desai

Taylor wift’s moon sign is cancer and she needs another guy whose moon sign is cancer which will be the best match for her. Westerns opt sun sign which shows one’s exterior but love is the innermost feeling for which moon sign is the best. Matchmaking

Reply December 16, 2018, 1:53 pm

Brad Hoffner

Pretty much nailed on the head. Every point you made above makes complete and utter sense. It takes work and time to find the right person for you. Very rarely does it just happen. Nothing worth having is EVER easy and if anyone tells you differently, walk away from them if not run away.

Reply December 13, 2018, 5:28 pm


I’d let tay sway chase me all she wanted lol

Reply August 16, 2018, 2:53 pm


I agree w/ you completely. She seems quite immature for a woman her age–and expects men to fall all over top of her. After all, she’s Taylor Swift. When it comes to men, she comes across as being too needy and pushing for marriage too fast. Let’s face it–scads of guys would hook up w/ her because she’s rich. Yet, they still turn and run! They can’t all be wrong.

Reply November 20, 2017, 10:22 am


She’s annoying and immature.Why is she even overrated?

Reply November 11, 2017, 3:02 am


Your post is so well articulated and your analysis about her relationships are absolutely spot on. They are extremely relatable and very much prevalent in todays relationship scenarios. Good job!

Reply August 2, 2017, 2:41 pm


There’s also the likelihood she has Borderline Personality Disorder (not to be confused with bipolar.)

Reply June 20, 2017, 7:29 am

Haley Michelle

I have bpd and honestly, I think that might be the case. Granted, there’s not enough to necessarily say that she does and I’m not qualified to say that.

Reply October 2, 2018, 6:27 pm

not tay tay

I think Taylor Swift treats all of her boyfriends like dolls, that she can buy.
She loves them, plays with them, OWNS them, and of course, dolls are not living matters, so there is no way they will say no to Taylor. But these boys.. You can’t control them, and they definitely can say no to Taylor, faster than she says ‘dolls’.

Reply September 13, 2016, 5:09 am

linda s

Taylor Swift like Britney Spears starting working young at age 11 for taylor and Britney about 9- Instead of playing games and playing with dolls they were working or setting up their singing “careers”. That is not a normal life and you end up trading value life lessons to make “money” so they have to learn lessons later in life that many of us have already learned-since they are working at young ages. She will figure it out like Britney did -just at an older age.

Reply June 18, 2016, 1:07 pm


Not a bad article. From my point of view as a guy, bad boys are just unreliable. I myself have tried the two roles, and girls really dig the bad boy thing: a teaser, you don’t give a f***k you are not obsessed, and you seem to have some interesting experiences to share. That’s why pretty girls especially get attracted this way. But I think if she dated a nice guy, she would be much better off, in the sense that, nice guys don’t get attention from girls, and as long as you don’t socialize much, there is no chance of cheating. But of course, girls want fun, some like Taylor are so glamorous they cannot be off the spotlight. So maybe I am a little mean, but I think she deserves what she has, I’ve met this type of girl and they just look for trouble.

My advice for girls: find a geeky, shy, nice guy, not too good looking and he’ll stick to you with the least attention you give to him.

Reply June 17, 2016, 11:50 pm

Kayelyn Rhodes

I agree. When I hear a nice guy complain about not getting the girl they want I don’t feel sorry for them. Because they themselves ignore the nice girl for the bad girl. They got what they deserved.

The nice girl ignores the nice boy for the bad boy and got what they deserved. No sympathy for either side.

Reply December 2, 2021, 5:44 am


the truth is bitter.

Reply March 3, 2015, 10:07 pm


I think society and publicity has made it more difficult when it comes to finding love…there are too many rules on how to approach dating and both sexes now have this mentality that there are rules to dating and finding love… I think all this should be simple, love is not something that should be about rules and all that.. I think if you meet someone and you fall for each other, it’s simple…. Now there are books on how to approach a relationship bla bla bla…..
I think LOVE is simple, it’s people that are following some kinds of rules and mind games on how to play it hard to get and how to make LOVE complicated by reading TOO much when it comes to falling in love… LOVE IS NATURAL, FREE, A BLESSING.

Reply February 10, 2015, 3:46 am


I need advises desperately. Recently I broke up with the guy whom had been dating for over 4 months. I was really into him. In first few days, he seemed he was very serious about me. He texted me day and night, said Good morning , Good night and asked my day. He initiated to make plans. I had never had a boyfriend before and he asked me why .Then I told him i didn’t want to be attached. Honestly I regretted that later. He asked me to be his girlfriend after one month dating by saying that he wanted to get married soon. He was my first man whom I was very close and attached. We hung out, made fun, tried new things but no sex and passionate kisses apart from peek kisses on lips from him cos he knew I am a virgin and I even have not kissed anyone passionately. I am an asian in early 30s and He is a Caucasian ,35 year old. We seemed very into each other. We tried to meet twice or three times a week. he was really nice to me . Everybody said we seem like a couple (hugs, cuddles and sweet things…) even in public.
He talked about having kids and asked me about it. I said I dont want kid now unless I was with the man i love most. sometimes he asked me about marriage and I said I prefer being stay single until i find my right man regardless of my age cos he said I am old enough to get married. that time I just focus on happiness, not want to go for relationship or marriage so soon. He visited my country with his friends and he texted me day and night and sent some pics. I was really happy that time. but he never said he missed me. After his trip, we met for dinner and I said him first I missed him while he hugged me so tight and long and said he missed me everyday. After that time, he just texted me, did not ask me out for almost 10 days .but sitll texting and i just mirror him and take it easy. One saturday , he said he wanted to see me tomr. I had a class and asked him to pick me up there . He agreed and I remembered it was our 100th day dating. He took me to restaurant and we made dinner and i let him know it was 100th we had been seeing. And he looked like he did not want to lose me and hugged me so tight the whole time. He talked a lot about having kid after marriage that time .I was about to go back my country after exam to see my parents that time. When he said he is going back to his country for x’mas and My face was like so small and he said öh no, come with me to his country.” I just smiled but felt so happy. After that, we still met during weekend and he helped me to study for exam in cafe shop. He was very caring and kind man though. we went for a movie and made dinner and he told me that he liked me so much. we had not had any title until that time. Two days later on my birthday, he made me surprised by taking to the concert i want to see deadly and said Happy birthday in my language. I made him surprised by writing down on the card that i want to be his girlfriend what he asked me to think over. He did not seem too happy. just normal and he hugged me and said “good to hear that you were not taking too long to think it over”. I kissed him on that day and he said just thank you. After we did not see for one week and we met at coffee shop again. He looked unhappy and I asked him why. He said very tired. He did not treat me like his girlfriend and when i asked to go for shopping to buy things before going back to my country. He said guys are not good at shopping. he was not like that before. he used to go with me for shopping almost the whole day. He really let me down and i asked him whether he would send me to airport or not. he just asked the time of the flight. After that we did not see and i just gave him space and never nag or text him a lot. just mirror him. but no more flirt texts from him later. just causal texts. on the day i left for my country, he texted me good morning and asked what i was doing. It really made me get angry and i ironically responded and he replied like a jerk that “ I am in city area , if you were there we can meet. then we can do when you get back here”. He did not ask me about my trip, and I really got angry but I kept my angry and replied him “you are so sweet. I wanna see you too. where I’m gonna come to meet you for a coffee.” Then he replied he was going home ( he stays nearby my place) and ask me to come near train station. I didn’t respond him and expected him to call me but no calls instead, he texted “I am going home, though you are having a nap , i will do the same. going to a barbecue party later.” My angry was on the top and cried so loud. and i did not respond him. he could see i had seen his texts cos it is whatapps. i didnot use my mobile during my stay with parents and when i was back , i was really sad he texted me just two texts : one was have a good flight and the other was “Hello?”. It really made me sick. i did not respond his texts for two days and i missed him so much. then I initiated text him that “Have you missed me ? I miss you”. He replied “Hey, “welcome back how was your trip?” I just replied “ok.” so sad. :( He did not say he missed me. I got a hint. But he still texting me gmoring, gnight, sometimes off to dinner with colleagues.., I responded sometimes. I could not stand anymore that why he was still texting but never asked me out to meet after we did not see for 3 weeks. Then one saturday night, i initiated asking him to go out for dinner before he flew back to his country for x’mas holidays. he replied my text at late night and said “Maybe we can do a lunch or coffee instead , gnight for now” morning I replied him “ Ök, 4.30 pm for coffee”. Then he replied me “That is good for me and I have to tell you something”. Honestly I felt panic because I got a sense that he has been seeing and living together with the other woman. Then I insisted him to tell me that sth by text or call and said if it is going to be a bad news, we better don’t meet. Then he replied long text and said he has been recently talking with his ex and she was his real first love and they want to give another shoot and he want to try with her again. I replied him “thanks for telling me honestly and wish all the best”. he replied me “thanks all the best to you too”. We ended up. i blocked his number first and now i unblock it. i dont text him. but it makes me really hurt. It was my first time I can’t believe that he changed suddenly. I got heart broken. Sometimes I am hoping that he would come back to me. i know that is crazy. :( Sorry for long story. Did I do anything wrong? I liked him a lot. . I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

Reply December 17, 2014, 8:45 pm


No. its not your fault. you will find someone new :) please dont waste your time missing him !

Reply March 3, 2015, 10:10 pm


I think it is because you always said “I want to be single” “i don’t want to be attached”
so he gradually started losing hope
meanwhile his ex must have connected with him
thinking that you don’t want a serious relationship he must have started talking to her . when you agreed to be his girlfriend . his ex and him must be going out together so he can’t just say no to his ex and tell her that he now has a girlfriend and you know then she will start the cheating drama. As you became his gf after he was going out with his ex, he thought it would not be considered cheating. but he also can’t say no to you cause he knows how much you love him so he used to ignoring treatment but he still felt bad for you and maybe even loved you so he still talked to you, he thought maybe you can still be friends .

i think it’s neither your fault nor his. it was just some misunderstandings . it’s okay girl, you will find someone, someday. don’t cry over the break up instead learn from it. also if you still miss him you can contact him as a friend and build up a new relationship. Or you can just find another guy there are lots of guys out there.

Reply March 18, 2017, 11:01 am


taylor is a good influence people men are just too picky

Reply October 31, 2014, 10:12 pm


yes. but we cant just blame all the men. taylor is a bit needy

Reply March 3, 2015, 10:11 pm


I’m sorry but worse advice that you ignore initial physical attraction – I found that was a mistake I’ll not do again. Yes don’t be needy, but you know there are some girls who actually aren’t needy and it’s just many guys who are unrealistic and selfish. doesn’t mean you accept their behaviour, which I guess is what Taylor concludes when she starts to find out what they’re like. Guys date and dump probably more often but they’re questioned whether there’s something wrong with them. Carry on trying to find the right guy Taylor is what I say.

Reply October 10, 2014, 6:27 pm


I feel bad for her, since this happens to me all the time.But i’m sure the right person will love what she does, doesn’t matter whether it’s wrong or right.
Tnx for the great advise!

Reply October 10, 2014, 3:16 am


I want to know if forever is a thing of the past or if it’s cultural. Do some countries have longer relationships? Is it that we have too much technology and likely to be left? Is the population so high that we have more options? Relationships used to be better with home phones when you had to wait until you got home to call him without texting him all the time. In a way, at 32, I feel like technology explains why relationships are troubled. With Taylor Swift for example, she is using technology by writing songs that get played on the radio. With her cellphone, she can constantly chase her guy. She looks like the type who wants an old fashioned love like myself, but in this fast world, how do you not text a guy if you are looking at your cellphone. For example, I work hard, too hard, but I still have my phone in front of me. It is so easy to type a long text. How do you stop that need to text?

Reply August 3, 2014, 10:58 am


You’re right, Lyne, technology has made us all so easily and very accessible but has done little to make us more ‘connected’ in any real sense. I don’t dislike technology, I make my living off of it like many others and it has made it easy, via online dating, to weed out those candidates who do not pass ‘GO’. But I feel that online dating and other technological advances has made us have a sort of ‘relationship’ A.D.D. Not just romantic relationships, but all kinds of relationships and interactions. We’re so connected to our devices it’s enough sometimes just to text and say ‘hi’ than to actually call, or stop in to see a friend or loved one. With online dating it’s like a smorgasbord, it’s hard to focus on just one individual when that next tasty dish might send us a message tomorrow. We definitely have more options these days, but it’s not population that has done that, it’s technology and instant access which has done nothing to help us form long-lasting bonds. When things are ‘too easy’ they lose their value. Love is love, old fashioned or modern, it hasn’t changed much, and REAL LOVE takes time to develop. So, my best advice, don’t make ANYTHING too easy, especially when it comes to a man. It might work for the short term, for instant gratification, but only in very rare instances, will it lead to anything solid and real. When you’re tempted to send that long text, just put the phone out of reach. If you’re expecting a call from a certain guy in the evenings, turn off the ringer and miss the call so you’re not just sitting around waiting for it. When you feel that need to reach for the phone, work out, take a walk, take your focus off the device. It’s easy once you start. I gave this advice to an ex roommate who was pursuing her guy heavily and he would remain just out of reach. She started by ignoring some of his calls, by keeping her focus off her phone, by saying she was busy or already had plans when he would call for that last mintue date or booty call. It wasn’t a game, she truly kept herself busy. Well, she’s engaged to her man now. Get your focus off your device and put turn it out in the world. It has its benefits. ;)

Reply October 12, 2014, 12:43 pm


I would love for Taylor to see this and learn from an objective viewpoint. She’s going to be 25 next year and it would be lovely to see her come into womanhood with the grace we all know she has.

Reply July 2, 2014, 9:17 am


Exactly what I was thinking! As I was listening to her songs I suddenly felt very sorry for her. It like when she has a man, she enters his world completly and leaves herself at his will. It’s like she gives him full control over her life and happiness and expects him to do a better job at it than her? Obviously he will fail! He is just a faulty human. And she chooses without taking a good look, overlooking all the warning signs and issues the boys might have. But, youth. I was like that in my first relationship, so I can relate to her :) Thankfully people grow up, so will she. Good luck Taylor!

Reply January 8, 2014, 8:15 pm


I don’t think Taylor has done anything wrong by ‘pursuing’ a man. Those men were incompatible; possibly with massive egos who took advantage of a genuinely sweet girl. I believe those men are immature, attention seekers.

A man ready to settle would have enjoyed the attention from a beautiful, intelligent girl like Taylor. I think Taylor is wife material. A man seeking a loyal, dedicated partner/wife would do well with her.

Reply December 10, 2013, 6:52 am


well said Jessy. I agree with every word you said. Taylor is an intelligent, Calm and pretty gal hard to find in HW. She will attract her right mate.

Reply August 20, 2014, 9:37 pm


It’s OK to be very invested in a man when the decision has already been made, in HIS mind, that there’s a real, committed relationship going on. Then go ahead and give gifts, regularly initiate the calls and texts, give massages, cook for him, and ‘service’ him in other ways. I’m a mature woman who has been around the block. I’ve dated a lot, played a lot and have been in only two serious relationships (one living with a guy for several years and one marriage). These two serious relationships developed because I did not pursue the guy in any way, shape, or form. In my dating days, the less I cared about a particular guy, the more he turned on. The more I cared about a particular guy, the more elusive he became. When I just sat back and let a guy go the distance, let him row the boat, and kept my schedule filled with my own pursuits and not with with trying to capture him, that’s what led to the serious relationships. I’m talking about men who are good relationship or marriage material…they like the chase, the hunt, the ‘auction mentality’ (the more the merchandise is desired, the higher it drives up the price and therefore becomes something ‘worthy’) and most men, except toxic men who can’t even love themselves, are hard-wired to compete and WIN. While there are of course exceptions to this rule, the ‘rule’ hasn’t changed much through history because it’s biological. Even in a committed relationship, i.e., you’ve both expressed your love for each other, a guy will turn off if a woman’s needy vibe turns on. I experienced this a lot in my youth, before I became the wiser. So beware. It’s never wise to let your need to control a situation take over and ‘pursue’ a man. Think of the legend of the Sirens (but forget the man-eating part). Sirens pursued their own selfish desires, could care less about the men trying to get at them and remained seductive and mysterious. And men would crash their boats just to get to them. It may be a legend, but who made it up? Hint: It wasn’t a woman.

Reply October 12, 2014, 12:18 pm


Bottom line: do not chase men. I’m singe but if there’s only one lesson that I could pass on to my fellow single girlfriends who are utterly despondent about being single (unlike me, I love it) I would tell them to PLEASE stop chasing men.

Reply September 1, 2013, 1:34 pm


Ugh, this is why women should not give advice to other women about how men think. It’s not about whether or not you chase men, it’s about who you chase. The only accurate statement in this entire article is that she’s had trouble because she is dating male celebrities.

Only douchebags think that dating women is a game. Trust me on that one. Decent men want a competent partner that will work with them to build a great life, not a princess that plays hard-to-get.

If a guy thinks of you as nothing more than an achievement, he’s going to get bored with you the minute you give in to him. That’s why “she’s been blindsided more than a few times by guys who came on all strong in the beginning and then dropped her seemingly out of the blue”.

Your whole concept of what seems to be the “average” guy seems completely out of whack. The only incentive a man needs to be in a relationship is because he wants to be in one, you shouldn’t need to manipulate him into thinking he wants a relationship.

I’m single because of women like you, who assume that men are dumb oxen that need to be manipulated into commitment. If there’s only one lesson that I could pass on to every girl, single or not, I would tell them to stop trying to manipulate men. We’re not stupid, we know when you’re doing it, and we really don’t appreciate it.

Reply May 1, 2014, 11:55 am


Sorry some of that came across a bit ruder than I meant lol. Probably could have phrased some things a bit better.

That being said though, I’m only 24 and I’m already done with the mind-games that women like to play. Making a man decipher the hidden meaning behind cryptic responses is a good way to frustrate him. All I’m looking for is a girl who is kind, generous, and knows that manipulation is not the way to a man’s heart. I’m still single.

Reply May 1, 2014, 1:14 pm


Eh, you’ve had trolls chase you, I’m sure, and you were disgusted with it. Men hate pushy women.

Reply December 3, 2014, 9:25 pm


Sabrina, you are a very wise and knowledgeable woman. I also want to commend you in presenting and wording your article in such a way that stayed fair to both men and women. You did not condemn one while glorifying the other. From my perspective, it was fair and balanced. As a man, I did not find any of your language or statements offensive. You’re analysis of Miss Swift’s relationship experiences and the insight and feedback you offered I found to be pretty brilliant. You are very perceptive. You also did this while being respectful and compassionate toward Miss Swift. Your advice and offerings of wisdom I found to be very accurate as I can relate to much of what you wrote in my own life and the lives of people I know. This was a very smart article. If people take your article the way in which they should, they can really learn a lot. There is a lot of intelligent and good stuff in here. Both men and women can benefit and learn from the information you shared. Thank you for sharing your insight and keep up the terrific work.

Reply July 31, 2013, 7:08 pm


That’s a perfect article for me to read at the moment. I’m goin throught the exact same hint with a guy that I’ve been “off and on” again with for several months. The minute I get clingy, he disappears. Once I back off and get busy with my own life, he reappears seemingly more interested than the last time. It’s a cycle I’ve been trying to understand and fix. I wondered why I could relate to Taylor’s songs so well.

Reply December 23, 2012, 12:39 pm


Excellent article!!!

Reply December 19, 2012, 1:59 pm


stage 5 clinger

Reply December 13, 2012, 11:40 pm


I think Taylor is just too young for having anything serious! :) And yes, I agree that the minute guy feels like a girl is chasing him, it is over!

Reply December 12, 2012, 7:33 am


so when is the right age then julia?

Reply December 28, 2014, 1:28 pm


Taylor Swift is a terrible example for this article. She’s a 22 year old celebrity and song writer. Most of her unsuccessful “relationships” are media-over-exaggerated dates or encounters. And she plays up to them, because it’s a great way to sell albums! Who is “we are never getting back together” about?–Buy the album and look for the clues!
The point is, counting all of these men as Taylor Swift’s boyfriends would be comparable to counting every guy you ever had a first date or exchanged phone numbers with. She’s 22, I’m sure everyone would be just as upset with her about settling down to soon if she was already married to her highschool sweetheart.

Reply December 11, 2012, 2:17 pm


I cannot feel bad for this woman, the last time I acted so foolish about a guy was when I was 16!

In your teenage years, it’s okay to live and learn. But Taylor is clearly grown, she’s intelligent, she can lead a very successful professional life. There is no reason why she can’t have some self-reflection and see that perhaps, it is her who makes relationships difficult.

I think that the reason why people get so annoyed at her is because of how public she makes her relationships and breakups. And I too feel annoyed at her for it. Blah, she needs to take some responsibility for her failures. Relationships are about two people, and when you fail so many time at relationships, then you need to reflect on yourself.

Reply December 11, 2012, 12:20 pm


Swiftly makes her living writing & singing love songs for girls, mmmkay?

Reply December 11, 2012, 10:17 am


So true…
I just put an end to a relationship where he was the needy one.
I liked him at the beginning, he his sweet, brilliant and passionate, but I really got tired of all his requests…
So true, but so sad.

Reply December 6, 2012, 3:39 am


This article is amazing and its true. Being needy spoils the relation , i have done this mistake and i have got a lesson also. I have learned a lot after breaking up where i was going wrong and after reading your articles , it has opened my eyes. I can co-relate your articles to my personal life. I have started understanding what men think and want , which is very true. Thanx for your articles, they are really helpful.

Reply December 4, 2012, 3:07 am

Sheree Bedford

I think the whole a new mode website is bullshit which is playing on womens emotions. Your book is capitalising on women at their lowest point. Trust me, I downloaded it, and I was there. You didn’t help me one bit. Yes, there are women who come on too strong. But we are who we are. And as, in your above article, you describe that we shouldnt try and change a bad boy, neither should you try and change a good woman who just wants to be loved. I’m sorry, but when a woman meets the right man, he will love her for who and HOW she is, and will be grateful and accepting of ANY level of attention from her. If that means learning the hard way, getting stung by guys only using us for sex, SO BE IT, its all stuff which shapes who we are. I’ve got two busy jobs, lots of friends, hardly a minute to myself, but I still crave the companionship of a significant other. Its human nature. And although im not saying calling and texting a guy 20 times a day is acceptable (especially when he is not reciprocating) I think that intentionally limiting contact when you want to get in touch, not replying to messages for *insert number of hours here* so he doesn’t think you’re keen…that IS game playing. If a guy likes a woman, he will be with a woman. Period. If he doesn’t, no amount of game playing in either direction will change that!

Reply December 2, 2012, 12:53 am


I agree with you! Preach it sister :) I think a good man will love a woman for who she is. Games are so exhausting and unnecessary, that’s not how love should be. If you feel the need to play games, you are not with the right person! I learned this the hard way and went through heartbreaks, but I feel I’m ready to get things right the next time :)

Reply December 4, 2012, 12:33 pm


You are so wrong Sheree. A good woman who just wants to be loved better love herself first. It’s not game playing when you work on being the best woman any man want to keep. She is a great girl going about getting love the wrong way and here Sabrina is making some relevant points and you are bashing her.
All she is saying is that she would have had a better chance on love if she just thinks first and take things slow before making these guys the center of her universe.
Women will keep going this confused way if they don’t understand men period. Trust me it happened to me. I was the woman who was hard to get without playing or trying to be hard to get. It came natural for me and I got everything I wanted from a man back then except I knew they were not for me.

Now that Im older, I decided to go about love my way and it has failed over and over again. It’s not the man it’s me. I looked back at those days where I felt so good about myself and men approached me with no questions and realize that I was less needy when I did not care and was not chasing the notion of love.

So if it worked for me back then without even trying to play games then I must say it will work now.

I am taking time to understand men now and working on fulfilling myself to make myself happy and not depend on a relationship to fulfill that need.
so take heed to Sabrina’s advice because when that great man comes even if he is not the one he doesn’t end up being called an asshole because it didn’t work out. Learn to love yourself first it’s the best way to weed out the difficult unavailable men who seek to pray on the weak minded women who don’t love themselves.
Good luck.

Reply December 4, 2012, 9:11 pm


Agreed Foxxy1. Behind every good man is a good woman and vice versa. You just can’t act anyway you want all the time. If everyone did that we’d live in absolute anarchy. It’s about being civil, respecting yourself, respecting other people, and most importantly Love. Besides, where’s the mystery and the fun if the girl I’m dating ends up buying a house near mine? With that kind of craziness, you better be ready to jump off the cliff with her. And trust me, those guys Taylor dates aren’t quite ready to jump off the cliff.

Reply December 4, 2012, 10:46 pm

Eric Charles

First off, the statement that the “whole a new mode website is bullshit” is kind of a… umm… sweeping generalization.
As for capitalizing on women at their lowest point… I helped people for 8 years without charging a DIME as a relationship coach… so my karma is clean. There is nothing wrong with charging money for good work. And mind you, we offer a 100% money back guarantee on the book (which is $20, which is about as quarter as much money as many people waste on a pair of jeans that they never even wear…)
So stop with the characterizing us as greedy or villains. If you honestly think that, you are truly not looking at reality. There are *countless* examples of Sabrina and I offering our help for free, putting up top-quality content for free, etc. Just stop.
Now for the rest of your comments…
Basically, you’re saying that a man should love a woman no matter what she acts like. Good luck with that…
We’ve never said you *should* act a certain way. Act however you want – you can just be sure that real life will show you the result of your actions…
Hollywood lies. Love stories lie. TV shows lie. Music lies.
But real life and real results… they don’t lie.
And every time I see a woman stand on a soap box, proclaiming how “REAL men put up with this and that from a woman” and “REAL men will move mountains” and on and on… it’s almost *always* being said be a woman who is bitter or angry about something that happened in her dating life and she’s taking it out on us (or whoever the author is).
Now I know that might sound harsh… and it’s not my intent to attack you.
I’m simply stating that we’re not the enemy here. You didn’t like our book? That’s fine. Return it – I don’t want your money if you truly didn’t find the book helpful. You’ll get your money back (assuming it’s been less than 60 days)…
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. And we never said otherwise.
We comment on human nature and relationships. We comment on the behavior that leads to success in getting the relationship that the particular woman wants and what leads to failure. We don’t sugarcoat. We don’t feed you fairy tales.
That doesn’t equal games. We comment on human nature – what you do is up to you. Furthermore, we’ve never advocated something as stupid as waiting x number of days to call / text a guy back, nor have we ever advocated intentionally limiting contact like it would produce some sort of magical result.
We have said have a full life and keep busy, but it is not to limit contact – it is so that the woman has all sorts of ways to fill herself with things that make her happy and fulfilled, as opposed to becoming an emotional parasite off the guy and, in turn, driving him away because she takes more than she gives.
The fact that you misinterpreted our message on such a basic level makes me question whether you understand any of what we’ve written (whether on the website or in the book).
If you honestly have something that leads to better *results*, let’s hear it. We are always looking for ways to help people more.
But chances are, if you honestly had something that was a better, more successful approach to relationships, you wouldn’t be on here ranting. You would be enjoying your life and relationship.
Again, I know this all sounds harsh – I don’t mean it personally, but I’m quite frankly responding to your statements. You didn’t mince words, neither did I.
Good luck.

Reply December 4, 2012, 11:47 pm


I was a Taylor Swift-esque kind of girl, who pursued men aggressively and demanded attention, was in love with the idea of being in love, and got dumped more times than I dumped them, but from all of those experiences, I learned how to deal with relationships and different types of men, as well as different aspects of myself.
These experiences made me smarter.
It was when I finally said “forget trying to be something they want and be what I am”, that I discovered the love of my life.
Friends for over four years before we began dating (and no inkling of any romantic feelings – at least not from my end), it was as though I hit a brick wall that said “this is the one”, one day when we were hanging out for lunch. It truly happened within a matter of 30 seconds, where it went from platonic to being in love…from my perspective…
Despite my madness and insanity, he loves me for who I am, and the right person will.
Love is this awesome power and makes people blind and powerless to things that they normally would disregard.
I truly believe that there’s someone out there for everyone and, if you open yourself up and just be yourself, without reading articles, attending seminars, downloading self-help books, you’ll attract that person to you and you’ll just know.
Remember, you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with this person, so if you’re a big faker now, it’ll eventually come out – unless you want to keep it going until the day you die, which could be tiring and, more importantly, a dishonest, terrible foundation for a relationship.
Here’s hoping that you hit the wall of love!

Reply December 24, 2012, 1:34 pm


Eric, maybe Sheree was a little direct and you needed a lot of words to reply, but imo Sheree has some points. When stated that the new mode is bs, she was imo not talking about making money, but about taking advantage of the vulnerability of women, in an emotional sense, not in a financial sense. And I must say: your website is the best I have read so far, but I also feel very vulnerable, weak and emotionally unbalanced even maybe. So I recognize Sheree’s statement about this (I do not agree though). A second thing in her comment I get is about ‘having a full life and keep busy’. I see myself as an intelligent woman, but I also thought that it was about limiting the contact. I never got it, it didn’t make sense to me. So maybe it is a good idea to be more direct in your blogs and write exactly what you wrote in your reply: don’t become an emotional parasite. I’m mean: at least words like these are completely clear.

Reply December 26, 2012, 7:33 am


“…as opposed to becoming an emotional parasite off the guy and, in turn, driving him away because she takes more than she gives.”
You sound like you’re afraid of emotions, just like all the other men out there! This just sounds like men always want a convenient relationship with women translated as – they don’t want to deal with her emotions. This is the mistake men seem to be making all the time, whether with Taylor or with any other intelligent, creative, sensitive female. I’m an artist too and we love hard. If a guy is scared then he should look for a non-artist. Men are clearly the problem here. Guess what, we’re emotional creatures. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t feel, get a life-size doll. Why do men think that they’ll get everything on their terms, like all the fun minus any pain?! Is this the male version of a fairy tale romance? NOT going to happen. Women are emotional, deal with it. Esp. when she’s in love.
And women give a lot more than men in a relationship. Taylor is an example herself. Men only know how to take.
I agree with you when you talk about reality. The reality of dating and love has changed and how! Women haven’t changed it. Men have. By seeking meaningless instantly gratifying relationships that are easily available at the touch of a button on Tinder and other dating apps. Sad!

Reply April 3, 2015, 11:01 am


I can’t stand her music, but I can’t help but feel sorry for her either. She seems to be the new Jennifer Aniston, in that she’s constantly picked on for not keeping a man. Isn’t she only like 21?? She’s young, pretty, semi-talented, so let her have her fun! (But yes, I do see the point of the article of course :-)) Why are we not hearing the same about her 21-year old male counterparts?

Reply December 1, 2012, 2:01 am


But I mean shes Taylor Swift, she has a life, she writes songs and she needs to pass months inside a recoder studio, so she has a life, I dont undestand why she needs somone, having all that money, she can traveled anywhere she wants, buy everything she wants, I would be happy like that, loves comes after!!! LOL!! but its such a shame that all women think that we are right and men all they need is a little push, but no, love doesnt work that way!!

Reply November 30, 2012, 8:16 pm


Because success means NOTHING without love thats why. If you dont understand that either you havent been succesful in material ways or you’ve been too hurt by men and have managed to convince yourself of the huge lie that you dont need love &companionship. Either way my heart goes out to you.
As for the article I think it was fairly right on. Particularly at the initial stages of a relationship. I fof one believe NEW MODE has some-if not the BEST- relationship advice Ive read online. And this is coming from someone who just finished writing a book about relationships and loving yourself.

I love the No BS straight-shooting advice and how true it really plays out in real life. I can absolutely say this from a couple decades of experience with the opposite sex-although no one would guess anywhere near my age (was just told a few weeks ago I look 19! And a couple days ago 17 :) But I digress. You may not like the advice on this site but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true and trust me your love life will change DRASTICALLY if you listen to the wisdom both Eric and Sabrina offer. Otherwise you can keep spinning your wheels and see where that continues to leads..But then again if you (and I mean collectively) are on this site then I trust you already have an idea that what you’re doing isnt working. Wow do I wish I had this advice when I was making all my mistakes!!

Reply February 6, 2015, 1:20 pm


Excellent article. I confess, I’ve been there – it’s an obsession. You feel like you will lose the guy if you’re not ‘perfect’ for him and you need him to feel the same way. In fact you NEED him, full stop. Lesson learnt hopefully – let him enjoy chasing me!

Reply November 30, 2012, 4:20 pm


For some reason I still want to believe that it’s all a big genius ploy where she snags a celeb ,plays the “needy/falls too fast girl” to relate to her fans, then writes a songs and makes millions. to give her some credit she did dump Taylor Lautner.

Reply November 30, 2012, 11:54 am


I make it pretty simple. No sex before getting married. Yeah, I’ve had sex, in fact I have a daughter. But I’ve reached a point when I realize that sex without the commitment is just not worth it. It’s not even worth a dime. Guys who pursue me now have absolutely no chance of getting it in bed until after marriage. It’s a religious thing and it automatically screens out the undesirables. As a result I’ve had men approach me who immediately offer marriage (law of attraction) Now I’m narrowing them down…

Reply November 30, 2012, 11:17 am


As a mother of a teenage girl, and having once been one myself, I told my daughter Taylor would benefit from knowing LOVE IS A CHOICE. Feelings and emotions come and go, they soar and even flatline at times. Real love chooses to stay even during the lows and difficult times. Real love is committed, remembering the good in bad times and knowing, together, things will be good again.

Reply November 30, 2012, 11:01 am


I really appreciated this article. I have a girlfriend who just got out of a 6 year relationship and she is going crazy spending all of her time with a new guy and showering him with gifts (ex: $250 TV after 2 months?!?!). I was excited for her to be single and explore her options because she is an awesome girl. The sad thing is that she is younger than me and it’s frusstrating to see her make the same mistakes I did when I was younger. I have also learned so much about men and relationships through this blog and the emails and I really appreciate the insight. Keep up the good work and keep the advice coming! Everytime I read these emails I am reminded that I have to work to keep my indepence in my current relationship WEEKLY sometimes DAILY because I want to be with my boyfriend all the time but I also do not want to scare him away. I have also learned that I feel better about myself when I maintain my own life and have other things going for me than my relationship. This article is the perfect reminder of that. Well written, great job :)

Reply November 30, 2012, 10:49 am


Like i said before, when a guy really wants a girl NOTHING will keep him away, if he does NOT want her, NOTHING will make him stay.

And it works the other way around as well. Simple. Not rocket science.

Reply November 30, 2012, 9:27 am


very very good.. good points for every girl to learn. hopefully someday i will be successful in love!

Reply November 30, 2012, 9:15 am


Great article! So smart and on point… thanks!

Reply November 29, 2012, 4:32 pm

Leave a Comment

Recent Relationship Forum Activity


Sign up for our
free newsletter
and get a free chapter
of our book,"He's Not
That Complicated"