You’re seeing a guy, all seems to be going great… and then you just don’t hear from him. What?!What happened? What did you say or do wrong?
If you’re a regular to my content, you know that I talk a lot about the importance of being a high-value woman, and hopefully, that’s something you’ve been working on. It’s part of the foundation you need for successful relationships.
But I will be honest that sometimes it can be really hard and there is no greater challenge than when a guy you’ve been seeing just stops texting and calling you. Now you’re wondering what to do when he doesn’t call. What’s the right move here?
Your self-esteem can take a major hit. Your immediate instinct may be to start picking yourself apart and wondering what you did to screw things up or scare him away. And furthermore, how you can fix things.
So let’s talk about how to come out of this with your head held high and while still being a high-value woman.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Why Didn’t He Text You Back?
First, let’s talk about the most likely reasons a guy will stop contacting you.
He’s Just Pulling Back A Bit
One common reason is that guys sometimes just pull away. I have other articles on why men pull away so we won’t go into it so much here but pulling away is natural and normal in a relationship.
Maybe things in the relationship have gotten too intense or maybe you got serious really fast and he’s just taking a chance to breathe and get grounded again. If he was feeling pressured he just needs to step back for a bit.
Maybe it has nothing to do with you and he has a lot going on internally. Men tend to keep their personal issues to themselves so it’s possible it could be anything from trouble at work to family matters or even something more serious with his physical or mental health that he needs to attend to alone.
Whatever the case, usually when a man feels emotionally off, he wants to retreat and deal with it on his own. So he’s going to pull away in order to not “burden” you with his issues. All he needs from you is your support from afar and to give him space until he figures out his personal stuff.
He No Longer Wants To See You
I know. I know. This is the nightmare scenario you don’t want to hear about. When he doesn’t text back for a long time, he just no longer wants to see you anymore.
Yes, it’s most likely that he ghosting. Why won’t he just tell you to your face that he no longer wants to see you? Because a man would rather walk over a bed of hot coals than tell a woman to her face that he’s no longer interested.
Instead, he wants to believe you’re on the same page and he may genuinely convince himself this is the case. “Oh, she must also know that we’re incompatible or have terrible chemistry, or the dates have been kind of awkward. She probably moved on and is relieved that she’s not hearing from me, so what is there to even talk about?”
It sounds backward but in his mind, he’s not hurting you by having a difficult breakup conversation. He thinks he’s saving you from that by just disappearing. Men don’t want to be the ones to break your heart so anything he can do to avoid that is the path he’ll choose.
MORE: Why Men Disappear
OK, so that’s why it happens. If your guy is pulling away because he’s having a hard time, just give him some space. Don’t obsess over it and don’t badger him. Just let him be and focus on something else. Obsessing over a guy isn’t high-value behavior, so take a step back if you catch yourself doing that.
If he’s not texting because he’s losing interest … here’s what to do to walk away from the situation without compromising your sense of worth.
1. Realize It’s Not Personal
I know it feels personal when he doesn’t call. It feels like it’s because you’re not enough or that you fell short of his expectations somehow and you can easily slide into a trap of dismantling your entire self trying to find what’s “wrong” with you.
Nothing is wrong with you. Sometimes it simply comes down to personal preferences. I know that there are people out there who don’t connect with me or my message (trust me, they’ve taken the time to let me know how much they dislike me!) but other people LOVE what I put out. It’s not personal.
2. Get Back In Touch With Your Lovability
It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling unworthy and unlovable when he doesn’t call or text for days.
Here is a good exercise to try when you’re done reading. It involves a bit of meditation but it’s super easy, I promise. And I am not someone who has a regular meditation practice but this exercise always works for me.
Write “Love” on a piece of paper write around it all the instances you can recall of feeling truly loved. Not just romantic love- it could be with a family member, a friend, or a quote or song lyric that makes you feel good and connected and alive.
Go ahead and write them all down, close your eyes, and spend about a minute really thinking about each one. For example, maybe the first thing you wrote down was your mom taking you out for ice cream after you got a bad grade on a test you studied really hard for.
When your mind wanders, just move on to the next memory. Keep going until you’ve gone all the way around and sat with the feelings of love in each scenario. This is a really powerful exercise that will retrain your brain to feel good and focus on the love you deserve and have to give and all the times you’ve both received and given it in the past.
High-value women know the importance of loving themselves first because without that, it’s difficult to let someone else love you.
3. Don’t Try To Win Him Back
Chasing him down and trying to win him back is not a high-value woman trait. Don’t show up places where he might be. Don’t stage accidental run-ins. Don’t send him cute, funny texts hoping that if you say the right thing and hit the right note he’ll realize he’s in love with you.
While it hurts and makes you feel like you just weren’t “enough” when a guy doesn’t call or text you anymore, you don’t need to lean into those feelings. The surest way to be a woman of high value is to decide that’s what you are.
With confidence and self-love, you can say to yourself, “Oh well, I guess it wasn’t meant to be because I know that the right guy for me wouldn’t leave it to chance that he might lose me by ghosting.”
The way to stay high value is to gracefully move on with your head held high and realize this isn’t personal, it’s just how it goes. High-value women do not waste their precious time chasing men. If a man doesn’t want to be with her, she knows a better one is just around the corner.
MORE: Why Men Disappear
4. Take An Inventory
This is the most valuable thing you can do when a relationship falls apart even if it was never a “real” relationship.
Knowing what to do when he doesn’t call can mean the difference between becoming bitter and jaded or rising up and using this as an opportunity to learn about yourself and become even better and more prepared for your next relationship.
This is a great time to reflect on how things went and ask yourself:
-What did I learn about myself through this relationship?
-What did I do in this relationship I’ll never do again?
-What did I do in this relationship that I can bring into my next relationship?
-Why did I not see that he wasn’t on the same page as me? Was I dating an illusion or swept up in a fantasy?
-And why is his rejection so painful?
Really dig with that last one to tap into the feeling and the fears beneath it. Get a journal and get everything out on paper so you can get it out of your system, learn from it, and use it moving forward.
5. Pursue What Makes You Feel Good
Instead of obsessing over, “Why doesn’t he call or text me anymore?” take this time to do the things that spark joy in you and make you feel good and alive.
Exercise, spend time with friends, read a good book. Whatever you choose to do, just focus your attention on things that make you happy and excited. Don’t dump your energy into something that is going to bring you down, like worrying that your boyfriend hasn’t texted you all day. There are so many more productive things you can do with your time.
In the past, if I caught myself spiraling with thoughts of worst-case scenarios, I would turn my attention to something else. I found a lot of good, productive things to focus my attention on and I quickly found relief from those frenzies, worried thoughts that make you feel like the world is going to end if you don’t hear from him.
The more you focus on good, productive things, the less time you waste on a guy who probably wasn’t that great to begin with. If he can’t even shoot you a text, why create any space for him in your life? Fill it with something else that actually adds to your life.
And there you have it. The two most likely explanations for a guy ghosting or pulling back his communications with you and how to react (or in some cases not) so that you don’t drive yourself crazy and can maintain your high-value woman traits.
I hope this article gave you some tools to keep your self-esteem intact when a guy doesn’t call or text. If you want to know more about what to do when a guy acts distant, pulls away, and seems to be losing interest in you, read this next: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...