Let’s talk about toxic people …
Here’s the thing about dating a toxic person, or even being friends with a toxic person, they very rarely start out toxic. Or at least, that’s not how they present themselves in the beginning.
If you’re in this situation I feel for you because I know first hand how hard it is. You want it to work with this guy, you see a lot of good in him… but something just doesn’t feel right. You don’t like the way you feel in this relationship. And he’s pretty awful to you.
MORE: The Number 1 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
In the beginning, he was so enraptured by you. He was so sweet and so into you- and now it seems like everything you do is wrong and you’re the source of all his problems.
But maybe you’re just being sensitive or paranoid. Is it really you or is he a toxic person? Keep reading to find out.
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You In A Toxic Relationship?
1. Tries to be right … rather than find a resolution
Arguments can be a good thing in a relationship, they give you the chance to work together and get through a problem. But it needs to be you and him against the problem, not you against him.
If all you want is to be right, you can’t ever get to the resolution. You will always be coming against a brick wall.
The toxic person has little empathy and can’t see things from your perspective. Everything you say is interpreted as an attack and so he launches a counterattack, and this gets you nowhere.
MORE: 5 Warning Signs You’re In a Toxic Relationship
Watch The Video: 6 Signs You’re Dating a Toxic Person
2. He gaslights you
Gaslighting has become a big buzz word lately but a lot of people don’t fully understand what it means.
Gaslighting is basically when you make someone feel like they’re crazy for feeling what they’re feeling. And a toxic person will usually do this if he’s in the wrong.
Let’s say you caught him flirting with another girl. He might say, “I was just talking to her, am I not allowed to talk to another female? Are you really that insecure that this bothers you? What’s wrong with you?”
Now all of a sudden you’re questioning yourself- maybe you’re being too needy. Maybe he’s right, maybe you’re just insecure. And you feel confused because it felt like he did something disrespectful … but maybe you were wrong?
Another good example is maybe he insults you and you get upset, and then he says, “I was just kidding. Can’t you take a joke? I didn’t realize you had no sense of humor”
You can’t trust your own judgment, you can’t trust how you feel. You feel like maybe your emotions are malfunctioning. Anytime you have a bad feeling in the relationship or he does something wrong, he just twists it around and makes you feel crazy … until you legitimately start to feel crazy!
MORE: How to Fix a Toxic Relationship
3. Everything is your fault
One of the biggest signs of an emotionally mature person is they can accept responsibility for their actions. They recognize they aren’t perfect, that there’s room to grow, and when you bring up an issue in the relationship, they will have empathy and will see your perspective and will try to work on it.
An immature or toxic person thinks they can do no wrong. If you have a problem with the relationship, it’s your problem.
Nothing is ever her fault. If you’re upset about something it’s because you’re too sensitive or you’re expecting too much of him or you’re being crazy or unreasonable.
The biggest sign of an emotional psychopath is the inability to see things from the other person’s perspective, ever.
They can’t understand why something might upset you or why you might be hurt over something, and they make you feel ashamed of your feelings, they make you feel like you’re somehow flawed or bad and that this is a problem you need to fix.
If a guy can’t or won’t take responsibility or try to see where you’re coming from, then it’s a huge, massive red flag and you should get out now. The deeper you get into these relationships, the harder it will be.
MORE: Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
4. He puts you down
A toxic partner is the opposite of a supportive partner. He doesn’t really care about your goals or dreams and doesn’t support you in them. Rather than lifting you up, he’s always cutting you down
He doesn’t seem to want you to succeed. He brushed off your accomplishments or dowplays them, making you feel stupid.
He may flat out insult you or insult you in a way where you don’t quite know it’s an insult with something like “I love that you’re not super intellectual, it’s so refreshing” or “You’re not as hot as the other girls I’ve dated and it’s a nice change.”
MORE: What No One Tells You About Good Relationships
He kind of puts you in a position where you’re beneath him, where you should feel lucky that someone as amazing as him is giving your lowly self the time of day, so you better shut up and accept the way he treats you with a smile on your face because you can’t do any better.
5. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells
The other points on this list were about his behavior, but this one is about how you feel around him. Do you feel like you need to tiptoe around him for fear of waking a sleeping giant? Do you feel scared to voice your opinions or grievances?
Do you feel like you need to just grin and bear it because it’s better than bringing something up and going to war?
These are all major signs something is amiss and this is an unhealthy relationship. If you can’t be yourself and express your needs… what’s the point?
MORE: The Difference Between True Love and Unhealthy Obsession
6. He won’t work on it
Relationships take work, the work needs to come from both sides.
If he says everything is fine as it is or you’re too demanding and he doesn’t need to change and the relationship doesn’t need to change, that’s a big red flag
The most important thing to look for in a man is if he’s willing to make it work,, if he’s committed to making it work.
If you don’t have that, you can’ have anything.
MORE: Getting Over a Toxic Relationship
The fact is, none of us is fully emotionally healed and whole. I tell you guys to work on yourself but there isn’t really an endpoint. And when you hit an endpoint and you feel whole and complete and self-actualized, something else will come along and rip open old wounds for you to deal with.
It’s not about whether someone has baggage — because we all have baggage — it’s about how he deals with it and if he’s willing to work on it … or are you the one who is crushed beneath the weight of his baggage while he has an attitude of “I am the way I am, take it or leave it.”
I know how easy it is to fall in love with the potential of what could be … I’m sure this guy could be really great if he was slightly less of a jerk, but you need to look at who he is right here and now, not what we might become someday.
Be honest, otherwise, you risk opening yourself up to a lot of hurt.
MORE: 5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
I hope this article helped you clearly see if you’re dealing with a toxic person. But sometimes, the guy isn’t toxic, he’s just having a hard time and needs some space. Do you know what to do when that happens? If not, read this next:If He’s Pulling Away, Do This...
Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Are You In A Toxic Relationship?
Written by Sabrina Alexis
