Why the Guys You Want Don’t Want You post image

Why the Guys You Want Don’t Want You

One of the most frustrating and puzzling relationship issues is determining why the guys you want don’t seem to want you.

A lot of our readers are in these types of situations; that’s probably what led them to A New Mode to begin with. They are involved with a guy who just doesn’t seem to be as interested. He’s into it, he’s attracted, he likes hanging out with her, but he’s not quite there. She, on the other hand, has gone all in and the fact that he isn’t at the same point leaves her with a constant feeling of unease just beneath the surface.

If you have been in several situations like this, you might start to wonder if it’s you, if you’re doing something wrong. But then how can that be when all these other guys, the ones you don’t want, are desperate to date you? Why is it that the commitment and the proclamations of love and devotion only seem to come from the guys you don’t want and not the ones you do?

I remember facing this predicament for many years when I was single. There was Craig the writer; he reached out to me about doing guest columns for some leading publications and then we went on a few dates. In addition to getting a career boost, he was also a fantastic guy. He called (yes, called, not texted!) just to say hi, he never left me hanging, he eagerly talked about me meeting his friends and family, he absolutely adored me, but ehh…I just wasn’t so into it.

There was Tom (not his real name because I actually can’t remember his real name, but I assure you he’ll never forget mine!). He did sound production for Broadway plays and he was really cute and cool. And he worshipped me. He stared at me like I was some divine being and wanted so badly for me to fall in love with him at the same rate he was falling for me. But no, I just couldn’t.

Then there was Ben. We went out on about five dates and on the first date I stupidly left my keychain wallet in my apartment, locking myself out and leaving me without any cash or cards for the entire night. He was a total gem and stayed out with me until 2 a.m. when my roommate finally came home. Our dates were always great and he was a wonderful guy who thought I was the smartest unicorn on the planet, but no, not him. At the same time I was dating Ben I dated Brian – now Brian I liked!

Brian was an aspiring poet who taught guitar to children to make ends meet and slept on a mattress in a dingy Bushwick apartment. He was sexy, he was aloof, he was lost, and I had to get in there, to know what was going on in that head of his. I was transfixed. We went on three wonderful dates. After the third he told me he was going to California for a week but would be in touch when he got back. We shared a passionate kiss and I floated home on a cloud, I could not wait for my new love to return from the West Coast.

But I never heard from him again and I was distraught. I even sent him a text well after a week had gone by asking how his trip was and I got radio silence. How could he not respond? What did I do wrong? Did I kiss him back too passionately? Did it come across as desperate? Should I have acted more indifferent when he said he would be in touch when he got back, maybe responded with a casual, “Cool, sounds good,” instead of, “Great! I can’t wait!”?

How is it I could be the most spectacular goddess to the guys I was indifferent to, but a take-it-or-leave-it to the guys who actually did stir something in me?

I got married a few months ago to a guy that, from the beginning, I really liked and he really liked me back! It was probably my first relationship where the levels of interest were equally reciprocated and it marked my full recovery from wanting guys who didn’t want me. But why was this such a problem for me for so long? And why is it something that plagues so many women out there?

Let’s investigate:

1. You Want Him

One of the biggest reasons the guys you want don’t want you comes down to the simple fact that you want them.

When we want something, it represents something to us and we internalize the having of that thing as meaning something about us. If we can get the guy, then we’re validated, we’re worthy of love, we have succeeded. If we can’t get him to want us, then there is something wrong with us; we are flawed and unlovable.

Wanting puts you into agenda mode. You meet a guy who has a set of qualities that you want in a man and you make it your mission to have him. From that point on you measure your interactions with him in terms of whether they’re getting you closer to, or further from, your ultimate goal. When you have an agenda, you are interacting with the thoughts in your mind and this prevents you from building a genuine connection.

The minute you decide you want him, he is no longer a person with his own desires, needs, and wants. He is a thing that you need to acquire. This mindset seems innocent enough, but ultimately, it is what blocks you from getting what it is you want.


2. You stress over how he feels.

When you want a guy and aren’t sure if he wants you back, your mind can’t help but stress over how he feels. You tally up the signs he likes you, you go over every interaction, you read into every single text looking for clues. You are essentially playing emotional detective, and participating in this line of obsessive thinking transmits a desperate, needy vibe that men can intuitively pick up on.

When you go on a quest to figure out how he feels, your fears and insecurities will inevitably get activated and this will come across. Most mainstream dating advice focuses on how you behave when really, your vibe is what determines if a guy will be drawn to you or repelled from you.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it’s the intention behind it.

If you are acting a certain way in order to make him feel a certain way about you, he will intuitively sense that you aren’t genuine, that you are trying to get something from him, and his guard will instinctively go up because that’s how all people naturally respond when we sense someone has ulterior motives.

It’s much like a car salesman who comes up to you and is all nice and jovial and seemingly interested in you as a person. You don’t buy it because you know that, while he might be very nice and might like you very much, he is really just trying to sell you something and that is driving all his behaviors.

(If this is an issue for you I highly recommend you read my article on how to stop stressing when it comes to dating and relationships.)

3. Too much pressure

why-guys-you-want-dont-want-you-quote2It doesn’t matter if you come out and ask him where things are going or if he has feelings for you, if you mentally want something from a guy (in this case, a commitment), he will know and will feel pressured.

Even if you’re just waiting by the phone for his text…I don’t know how, but he will just know. This why the guys you aren’t so into are usually so into you…because there’s no pressure. You’re just feeling it out and testing the waters and he feels a sense of freedom in the relationship.

Here is a very important thing to realize about how men fall in love. Men usually fall for a woman based on how they feel when they’re around her.

Women, on the other hand, usually have a mental checklist and if a guy checks off enough boxes, she’ll see him as a potential romantic partner and will begin to invest and get excited about the possibilities.

Sure, most men have a certain “type,” but they rarely go out seeking a specific set of qualities. What makes a man commit is how he feels in your presence. When he feels pressured in any way, then it leaves little room for him to feel anything else and it causes him to lose whatever interest he had in you.

MORE: The Number One Reason Men Suddenly Lose Interest

4. Not connecting to who he is, his core essence

wanting-guys-who-dont-want-you-quote-3As I said, when you have an agenda, you are engaging with the thoughts in your head, and not with the person in front of you. A lot of the times, we convince ourselves that we like a guy just because he matches up with our dating checklist, not because we have gotten to know who he truly is at his core.

No man wants to feel like he’s filling a slot that any other dude could easily occupy. Maybe you like that he’s good looking, employed, funny, tall, nice, etc., but there are millions of other guys like that out there. A guy wants to feel chosen because of how great he is, because of who he is at his core, not because he meets some minimum requirement of characteristics.

A lot of the time, the guys you want don’t want you because you don’t make an effort to truly connect to him as person. You see him as a means to an end, an opportunity to have a boyfriend and settle down, without really taking the time to get to know him.

When you connect with a man, he feels safe. And as I explained, a man bonds with a woman when he feels good in her presence, and feeling safe always feels good.

… (continued – Click to keep reading Why the Guys You Want Don’t Want You)

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it’s simple here’s the answer the ones we want don’t want us because they feel they can do better and the ones we don’t want well there not attractive at all and on the desperate side remember people no one wants to be with people that are desperate and just looking to be with in body and usually those are the unattractive people that nobody wants

Reply October 5, 2016, 6:14 pm


I can tell you a bunch of those hot and colds for me actually became somone I dated both that were male and female. Most of my hot and colds were friends but one was a guy I met on skype. Did we last? No, but it wasn’t because of his hot and cold as for the fact he was a chriminal that had me worrying about him every day. Calling me when there was a shooting at his house and things like that. Finally He got hurt so badly he was in a coma and his brother dated me. Another hot and cold this one female eventually asked me out after I been circling around asking them out. Yawn we didn’t last either but we were LDR and she was younger than me with untreated bipolar. I hate to say it but a bunch of common beliefs here don’t work for me.

Reply August 23, 2016, 9:32 pm


> Men usually fall for a woman based on how they feel when they’re around her.
> Women, on the other hand, usually have a mental checklist.

Seriously? To me it usually appears the other way around.
My impression is that women will judge me based on how they feel on a date and what exactly triggered that I may or may not find out about. In some cases it would seem obvious, if she brings up a bad past relationship, ill family member or the likes in a conversation, then I need to steer the conversation away from that or less than good feelings accompanying that will seemingly associate with me.

On the other hand, I have a couple of things on my list that is sexy: Sweetness, kindness, patience, openness, being serious about relationships and having a bit between the ears; these fairly consistently attract me.

Reply August 3, 2016, 11:50 am


I agree with what you’ve said and have long thought I want a partner and a guy who is interested in commitment, but I so rarely meet any single men or men I’m attracted to who are interested in me at all (ie going on a date), that it is becoming increasingly difficult as I get older (mid 30s+) to find a man who isn’t either “coated in issues/have commitment problems”. I deep down sense that the ones I do finally meet, and go on dates with, after long waits and searches, soon enough take the attitude of “she’s older so I can treat her however I wish”, and dispose of her in horrible, callous ways once she starts expecting some commitment or input from him? As there is tinder/online dating and I live in London, a massive City of millions of commitment phobic men and endless young women migrants, the reality is that men can openly be rude to you and make you hang on because they know they can go back online anytime and pick up new women without having to commit to one who wants more than just dates and flings. This is the only way I can explain how i get treated now. Whenever it gets to the commitment stage, and start wanting more than the fun, carefree dates, or notice they are not making the effort to remember what you said or do things you like and which matter to you, they lose interest. How do you find a man who is ready to commit and is emotionally mature in such a situation? It’s not that I lack that mindset, or have an empty life, I am often busier and have more social arrangements than the men I date, but it never gets to the commitment stage anymore. I am picking up earlier and earlier when they are not really into it by their actions or body language or the fact I have to ask them to call me – and guys seem not to call, just text – which I hate and can’t bond with them over as I like to hear their voice. I note their lack of enthusiasm and give up when they start becoming defensive when I ask for a bit more involvement. I feel heartbroken that having an emotionally involved and stable relationship seems increasingly elusive as I get older, and there are less emotionally mature men around. The older ones often have similar issues. I don’t feel old. I am slim, intelligent and well-educated, but I just struggle to meet any single men who are employed and want a relationship with me (or anyone over 21).

Reply August 2, 2016, 5:34 pm


Hi, just wondering. Does this apply to mature boyfriend/girlfriend relationship 3 years running?
My boyfriend was into spending his spare time with me, even giving me surprise visits during the first 1 and 1/2 years into the relationship. Now running 3 1/2 years, he doesn’t text or call unless I initiate the contact. I am confused. Is this a sign of a relationship about to end?

Reply July 25, 2016, 7:56 pm


hi everyone I have a question?
I was attracted to guy and I tried to connect with him, tried to know him, we even went on a date once. But more I was trying to know him and showed interst by asking questions more he withdrawed till the point that a month after we were on that date we saw each other on an event and he acted like doesn’t know me, then I stoped any interaction and decided to leave him the space but he never contacted me back. yesterday I saw him after almost one moth and a half with no contact and I still had the impression he avoids me at one point we were looking at eachother but nothing in his face showed some emotion like when you look at someone you know. Well I should be honest and say that he is not an expressive type of person at all and very very introuvert.
So my question is : how to deal in that kind of situations? Is there a way to make him give me a second chance? It hapens to me quite often , well always with guys i like and we never even really date I was so absorbed to be everything described in this article that he probably doesn’t even know the real me. And it’s super strange because i have many male friends that are intouverts and usually i get on very well with that kind of people.

Reply June 3, 2016, 8:19 am


Unrequited love can send you straight into ‘Limerence’ be careful, learn to move on

Reply May 24, 2016, 12:16 pm


I have a question and I don’t want any judgement I really just need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and around the 6 month mark I saw a message on his phone that a girl he was talking to found out he had a girlfriend. I of course confronted him about it and he told me he met her on tinder awhile ago and that he invited her over for a party he was throwing for some of his single guy friends. I believed it, but deep down couldn’t let it go and we broke up for about a week and a half. We got back together trying to put differences aside and I found out during the time we were broken up he had finally met up with this girl for the first time and they hung out (I’m not upset about what happened while we were apart because we weren’t together) and I found out they were talking again. He wasn’t talking to her anymore once we were back together and blocked her on everything because I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him talking to her. So she messaged me on Facebook and had told me that they have been talking over the last couple of months and that he had always texted her saying he wanted to see her while we were together, but she never met up with him. I told him this information and he got very upset and started crying saying he didn’t want to lose me and that it meant nothing and he never actually met her in person while we were together they were just texting. I still feel very upset about this and like I can’t trust him. I really want to be with him but I don’t know if he really loves or cares about me. I have told him if he wants to be single and not in a relationship with me so he can do what he wants and he keeps telling me he doesn’t want me to go anywhere and that I’m the only one he wants. I don’t understand why he would want to be with me if he is interested in talking to other girls and getting on tinder while he’s with me. I really need advice. He has been going through a lot of stuff with family and financial problems and sometimes claims to be depressed and resorts to drugs to make him happy, but I just don’t know whether to believe he really truly loves me and wants to be with me. Any help would be great!

Reply April 26, 2016, 3:06 pm


I need to know how to stop being that girl that over analyses every little thing and just takes it one day at a time? Because I am unfortunately that girl 100% of the time . I’m trying to change my mindset but i feel like i need something else . I am seeing this guy and it’s happening again the honeymoon phase the analyzing too much phase etc . How can I change this habit of mine or what can I do?
Thanks guys!

Reply April 23, 2016, 10:02 am


First, I would like to say that I have posted before but I cannot figure out how to find my previous comments and potential responses to them. But my issue is that nothing, anywhere, on any forum or the entire Web seems to address my exact dilemma, which is that I do not want to settle down, I do not have such an agenda. All I want is exactly what guys want, in terms of being in the moment with someone without concerns with where things are going. The issue is that I fall in love, and being in love is part of what feels good to me in this place, the “sweet spot”, that guys like too. The only problem is finding someone that I can fall in love with, passionately, that can keep things at the pace I am comfortable with, which is simply hearing from him every few days and going out maybe once a week, more or less, dressing sexy, him appreciating that and wanting each other real bad. I have many years of committed experience behind me, and it is ultimately unsatisfying. I do not need companionship most of the time. I enjoy the ideas of freedom to have options, if I choose, and this in itself keeps me faithful emotionally and physically. please do not tell me I need therapy. I am not drinking the coolaid, so to speak, in terms of settling for something mundane and boring which conceals me like a tomb. I would rather be free and hopeful, and occasionally sad and frustrated, then the latter only stuck in it. I had a man for four years that I indeed loved and was deeply attached to. however, he had issues, probably with alcoholism, though I’m not sure if he was actually an alcoholic or just a bachelor doing what many-fun-single men do. He also may have had a sex addiction, but I’m not sure about that either. Definitely was a bit narcissistic and an excellent lover. Only problem was he thought of me, not as a friends with benefits, because we were never “friends.” He used me, though I tried not to let that happen. I wouldn’t go see him most of the times he asked, which went from maybe once every two weeks in the early days, to three or four times a week (that he contacted me) off and on for most of the year s we saw each other. I also insisted we go on dates, because he would have me just have quick hookups if he had his way. I had to struggle a bit to keep from being chewed up and discarded. And that is why it lasted so long. When it ended, several times, I ended it, he never “left” me, in other words. I had to end it, however, when I found out that in the last two years he actually had a real girlfriend. I knew he saw other people, but I did not know he would get a commitment when he clearly could not stay monogamous. I told her about me, did not mention the fact he saw others, and ended it for good with him. I still have feelings, he’s still in my heart, because of the way we were sort of in the sweet spot forever, I am used to him always coming back. But I need a replacement, and am terrified of going through all of that dating stuff. I am not afraid of rejection, most people think that is why I’m afraid to date. I am afraid of all those I will reject, and the awkwardness of it all. I’m afraid of not finding anyone who lights my fire, that won’t break my heart. There has to be some guys want whatvIbdi, and could fall in love like I do, and stay faithful simply because of the fun and attraction. I don’t get it when people say, and even he said this, that they’re just having fun and not “serious”. I love fun, doesn’t everyone? What’s fun about routine and habits, and saying “I love you” just because you’re used to saying it. I told my dude I love you once, and I was sincerely feeling it when I said it. Tge words flowed so naturally and sincerely, and he looked at me with geniune concern and almost empathy (he had a problem with empathy) and then I said,” just kidding”. He never said it to me, but he did say it to his girlfriend. I don’t think I will ever hear from him again because I told her about me. In his mind, since we had no relationship and I had no right to do that. But I’m not a whore who hooks up with commited men, and I had to clear myself.

Reply April 10, 2016, 9:36 am


Hi Sabrina-Thanks for the article/comments. I have discovered the futility of the “hot/cold/he does or doesn’t” scenario. It is painful, but the last time I was told that he “couldn’t make me any promises” and enjoyed my company but did not want to” lead me on”-I got out right away ,knowing although it hurt to walk away because a lot of things were great-it still was not what I needed/wanted and I would only hurt worse later if I thought I could change him/the situation. I agree that being confident and not having an agenda in your head is the way to go.

Reply April 9, 2016, 4:43 pm


Hey idk if its the right place to ask for an advise or not but and sorry if it’s too long message
I’m in a LDR with my boyfriend and its been a year now, its been ups and down at first but he tried to work it out more than i did so we broke up and then later after couple months he came back to me and we get back together and we were the happiest couple in the world literally, we talk everyday since we wake up until we sleep, he would make me go to sleep by singing to me and sleep with me while he’s on the line almost everyday, he would stay with me instead of being with his friends, even if he got busy he make time for me. He was so caring and sweet, he tells me when he misses me and tell me he loves me everytime, i do all of that the same thing, and that last for like 7 months i think.
And after that he came so cold with me suddenly !, replying my text with one word and take like a whole day to reply with that one word, i noticed that and i told him whats wrong and he said there’s nothing, i thought he don’t love me anymore, so i just asked him cause i couldn’t handle the coldness, at first he said he don’t know but then he said he still love me. After a couple days he broke up with me in the worst way in history, i got hurt a lot but after a moth he came back again saying he missed me and missed taking care of me !, i accepted him back cause i still love him and think that we’re so good together even with what he did, and we were great again, talking a lot didn’t ignore my text or anything
After a couple weeks of getting back together he again gave me the coldness again !!!, ignore my text, and answer me after a whole day or even more with one word ! and don’t spend time with me a lot and go with his friends when they tell him to even when he’s with me and if i told him i wanna be with him for a longer hours he said ” i won’t be with me 24\7″ !!, and don’t come and talk to me unless he wants something or its been a week since we talk !. But when we skype or something he’s nice and talk to me like there’s nothing wrong, i’m so confused. I haven’t changed a bit i have been the same since the first time we met, maybe when he started to act cold i got needy a little but i stopped doing that fast
I have read lot of what you guys write here and i’m doing it, like give him a space and get busy in my life (in fact i am busy) and not overthinking it and enjoying the relationship and stuff but i’m frustrating and confused i don’t know what to do ! do i have to talk to him about how i feel ? i don’t wanna ruin our relationship :”(

again sorry if its too long and thank you

Reply April 8, 2016, 10:30 am


I’m mean also he used to share he’s thoughts with me and talk deep down from his heart, not only talking about normal stuff
How i make sure that he’s still interested in me ?

Reply April 8, 2016, 11:17 am


You suggest that all women who have a boyfriend were not attracted to him or they were mind gouru and stopped every single thought about him , so he did not get the desperated in love bad vibes??

Reply April 3, 2016, 10:30 am

Eric Charles

Maybe 0.0001% of people on Earth have disciplined their mind so much that they really never have negative thoughts anymore.

For the rest of us, I don’t expect anyone to not have negative thoughts or negative reactions sometimes… and I’m sure Sabrina doesn’t expect that either. What any person can do is choose not to feed into the negativity… That choice makes all the difference.

The people who are most successful in having good relationships learned to stop feeding into negative thoughts, emotions and reactions… they’ll happen from time to time, but you don’t need to feed them… ever.

Reply April 9, 2016, 6:08 pm


It’s not possible to control thoughts when you really feel attracted to someone; it’s imposible not to think about him or wait for his text. What do you suggest then? To give up men that we like and accept the ones we don’t like?

Reply April 3, 2016, 10:28 am

Sabrina Alexis

But it IS possible. Or rather, it’s possible to write your own story. For example, maybe you’re thinking: I like him so much, he’s so amazing. What if he doesn’t like me? What will I do? I won’t ever find anyone as good as him! I can’t screw this up!” In that case, you can re-write the story you tell yourself. You can make it, “I really like him. I hope he likes me. But if he doesn’t then I’ll be fine because I’m an awesome girl and I’ll find someone who can give me what I want.” It does’t even matter if you believe it, but tell yourself that anyway! You create the way you feel about yourself. And no, I’m not saying go for guys you aren’t attracted to and never think about him. You just need to engage in a line of thinking where you feel good about yourself, not where you feel panicked, insecure, and anxious, where you feel like the world will end if this guy leaves you. That’s just not a healthy attitude to take and that’s what I’m trying to help you break free from.

Reply April 5, 2016, 7:58 pm


Thanks so much for all the articles you guys write and I completely understand. Your articles give me insight into things I have little to no knowledge of. It’s great to have someone give you the rundown on these type of things .
You guys are awesome !

Reply April 23, 2016, 9:59 am


I have two questions:

1. What was different when it finally worked out for you? It can’t be that he liked you back, as you established that these guys do like us. So, did you do something differently? Or maybe your guy was just diferent (not into games)?
2. What can we do to change things? Or is it too late? We’ve already made our feelings clear and questioned the status of the relationship.

This is so frustrating. It has taken me years to meet a guy that I am really interested in, and who is single. He is interested in me too but is hot and cold. I recognised real interest from his side when I went on holiday, and he realised what a great time I was having without him. He was full-on when I got home but quickly returned to his usual flakiness. He has blamed timing but has also said he’s confused as to why he isn’t pursuing me like he normally would. This leads me to think that “timing” is just an excuse, although we do have potentially awkward circumstances (he might be leaving the country in 5 months).

It has only really been two months but it has been painful for me. I ended it a few weeks ago but we are still contacting each other. He wanted to continue to see me but to take things slowly and seems to be under the impression that we will reconnect in a couple of months.

Reply April 3, 2016, 7:48 am

Sabrina Alexis

What was different for me was I finally internalized what it was that I wanted in a man and from a relationship. I knew I wanted something serious, I wanted to settle down. I had been dating around for over a decade and I was tired of the dead end relationships and guys who were hot and cold and had me spinning all over the place. I firmly decided to stop wasting my time and only allow myself to consider guys who could give me what I wanted, that means guys who aren’t coated in issues and have commitment problems. My mantra became: I want a partner, not a project.

In terms of your situation, I can’t say anything definitively given the limited amount of information but “hot and cold” or mixed messages is usually one clear message: He’s not interested enough. The excuses and whatever only prove that further. I know you hold onto the fact that he did show real interest at some point, but you need to pay equal if not more attention to what he’s doing the rest of the time, and he’s just not giving you enough. He’s not giving you what you need and want. It sounds like he’s not ready, but he’s still kind of into you so he wants to keep you around, but he’s not into it enough to really go all in so really, what’s the point? The more time you waste with guys who can’t give you what you want, the longer you delay finding someone who is able to give it to you. Try to take some space from this guy and focus on yourself for a bit. See if that gives you some clarity. Hope that helps…

Reply April 5, 2016, 7:51 pm

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