Okay, I’m really confused. So I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months now. At first, everything was amazing. We hit it off right away and during the first few weeks, he seemed super into me- he would text me things like ‘I miss you’ and ‘can’t wait to see you’ and on our second date he said he ‘never liked a girl so much after only 2 dates’. He was also super attentive and super sweet.
All this was great, but then he started to shift and lately has been acting really shady- he cancels on me last minute, he’s been acting a distant, and I’m just getting weird vibes. At first I thought he was just trying to end things, but then from time to time he’ll text me something really sweet, like about how much he wants to see me, or that he’s been thinking about me, so obviously, he’s still interested or why would he do that? Anyway, I’m really confused by his behavior, my friends say I should just forget him but I really feel like we could have something great and I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet.
Am I deluding myself? Please help! Why are guys like this!?
Read our guy’s response after the jump.
Okay, I’m gonna let you in on something that very few girls know. When a guy says things like ‘I’ve never liked a girl so much after only a few dates’ or he texts you saying he misses you when you barely know each other, he doesn’t really mean it. Yes, he feels something, but it is not “missing you” that he’s feeling.
The statements are actually rooted in his own insecurity. That may be hard to believe, but it’s true. In the beginning of a relationship, we will generally try to feel out how much a girl likes us.
For instance, if a guy says something like ‘I like you so much” or whatever during the early phases, he really just wants to see how you’ll react – namely, that you’ll say that you feel the same way. Now I’m not saying he doesn’t like you and isn’t interested, but his main goal here is to see how much YOU’RE interested.
If you say something like ‘oh my god really? I really like you too!’ and get all excited, then he knows you’re really into him. If you get really freaked-out and look at him like he’s a stalker, he’ll know that he’s gonna have to work a little harder to win you over.
So, for starters, I would say that the more insecure he is about you liking him, the more of this stuff he’s going to say until he’s convinced that you really like him a lot. Then he’ll start being himself…
In the beginning, the guy really just wants to make you like him. Everyone wants to be liked, it’s a really great feeling for both guys and girls. So him texting you sweet things and saying all that mushy stuff and being really attentive is just his way of hooking you in and it’s not really him expressing his feelings.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that he doesn’t feel anything for you or that he won’t feel anything for you. I’m just saying that at this early phase, it’s all just poetry - it will be real when both of you are convinced that you like each other and you both “drop the mask” and start acting like yourself, fully. “Dropping the mask” will be another article at another time…
So he’s being all sweet and really getting you to like him… and then he shifts. Well at this point, the guy realizes that you really like him, he has you, and he doesn’t have to try anymore. At this point, things are probably starting to get comfortable- you make plans regularly, you’re in contact more frequently, and a relationship seems just around the corner.
Now while you might start getting really excited by this prospect, this particular guy has probably gotten freaked out. At this point, he’s afraid that everything he said in the beginning has led you to believe that you guys are a couple and he starts acting in a way that shows you this is not the case. He cancels plans, he goes MIA for days at a time, he acts distant.
At the root of it, the same sense of insecurity that made the guy obsessed with finding out if you like him is now scaring him into thinking that you’re going to “take his freedom away”. This is a guy thing – we might be completely faithful to you in every way, but we want to feel that we still can do whatever we want.
All of this is his way of asserting that you guys are not yet a couple and his actions are just his way of getting that across. It doesn’t mean he’s not into you anymore- the reason he’ll send those sweet texts from time to time are to make sure you know he’s still interested, however, his behavior is just his way of slowing things down.
I guess you could think of it as the testing phase or as some would call it, “the freak-out phase”. What girls need to realize is that this freak-out phase is essential in determining if the relationship will last or not. If you start getting on his case ‘why didn’t you call’ ‘why are you being so shady?’ etc. he will feel trapped and suffocated and start pulling away. He will no longer see you as a prize that needs to be won over, he will see you as desperate, available, and needy and nothing gets a guy running for the hills faster. (See my last Ask a Guy: When a Guy Doesn’t Text Back…)