Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal post image

Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal


Here’s a scenario that might sound familiar. You’re seeing a guy for a little while, it could be weeks or maybe months. You text a lot, hang out, have fun, things seems to be moving along swimmingly and a relationship seems like it’s just around the corner.

Then poof….he’s gone. Vanished without a trace.

He might do the slow fade out, meaning he stops initiating contact and when you reach out to him he takes hours or days to reply. This goes on for a while until you take the unfortunate hint. Or he “ghosts” and just disappears. He doesn’t reach out and he doesn’t reply when you contact him.

When this happens, the girl becomes desperate to know why. Maybe his vanishing act came after a period of him pulling away. Or maybe it came suddenly, out of the blue. It doesn’t matter, it means the same thing: he’s not into you and doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere. Maybe he met someone else or maybe he just had an epiphany. The damage is done, there’s nothing you can do so don’t torture yourself over it.

MORE: Top 3 Reasons Men Pull Away

I’ve been there, so believe me I know how awful it feels. Like the absolute worst.

Like many women, my reaction was a mix of rage and indignation. Why can’t he just be a man and break up with me to my face?? What a coward!

So why doesn’t he just say this to your face? Because it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have and he doesn’t wanna have it. Simple as that. Also, men just aren’t as equipped to handle emotions and emotional situations as women are, so they avoid them.

Girls don’t like having the breakup conversation and guys absolutely despise it. Most men would rather walk over a bed of burning hot coals than tell a girl to her face they’re not into her. So they ghost.

Okay so now that we know why, let’s talk about what to do to help you move on to greener pastures.

1. Don’t reach out to him….under any circumstances! He may have left you, don’t let him take your dignity with him. Girls will come up with all kinds of deluded reasons why they absolute must initiate contact. I just need closure! I want to know how he’s doing! I HAVE to tell him about this really funny thing that happened!

He stopped initiating contact with you because he is no longer interested in you. The sooner you realize and accept this, the better off you’ll be in the long run. Remember, if he wanted to see/speak to you, he would.

2. Don’t take it personal. When a guy disappears, it’s almost inevitable to feel a flood of self-doubt. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough?

You didn’t do anything wrong and you are “good enough” to have the relationship you want with a man you want, this guy just wasn’t it. I know plenty of gorgeous, smart, funny, successful, amazing women who have had the vanishing act pulled on them and it didn’t make them any less gorgeous, smart, amazing, etc.

A guy can lose interest for any number of reasons and oftentimes it has more to do with him than with you. The worst possible thing you can do is take it personally and start beating yourself up over it. This will eat away at your self-esteem and will repel any new potential suitors that might come along. Try to keep your ego out of your relationships as much as possible. Your relationship status should never determine your worth as a person.

MORE: On Loving Yourself and Becoming More Confident

3. Stay busy. As with most painful experiences… only time will heal. As time works its magic, the best thing you can do is stay as busy as possible. Immerse yourself in work, spend time with friends, check out a cool new bar or museum, try out a new exercise class. Keep your schedule jam-packed so there isn’t a crack for him to slip right in. And do NOT check up on him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other social media portal.

If you feel the need to check up on him, go look at funny YouTube videos or call a friend. Staying busy and keeping your life fun and fulfilling will also have positive long-term results and will put you in a better position to attract an even better guy.

MORE: 5 Steps to Heal a Broken Heart

Now let’s all breath a sigh of relief that those Houdinis did us the courtesy of finding something better!

Evey have a guy pull a vanishing act on you? Tell us how you dealt with it in comments!

– SABRINA ALEXIS

313 comments… add one

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Noor

well.. will definitely look forward to honest insight…

Alert: No judgmental Attitude Please

I am a single mother of two teen age boys, and recently started working for my own business. I am pretty happy as I am, a stable base is most important and not actively seeking men, was very content to just concentrate on business. As it happens, when you least look for it… destiny knocks.. :)

I play on a chess forum, and there is this really expert player, I befriended him and asked for lessons. well, he turned out to be owner of multinational company, an extremely intelligent, extremely rich and very balanced man. Gradually we talked and long night chats, deep discussion and had loads of fun. Since I knew that he is married with two sons and I do not want any troubles, I declined when he offered to meet in real.

I am no miss world, but I am witty & funny and I have this inherent love for myself (feel like a queen without throne- lol); silently we both got very attached – to me it was perfect, since all I missed in my life was emotional warmth of a man which he provided (I just can not feel connected to any man – it has to be very intelligent and principled person, otherwise I dont feel anything).

He told me he loved me dearly, thought about me incessantly, want me like crazy and I live under his skin. and then … as he called me again later that day he said and I quote: “you know you have teen age boys and I too, I wish you all the best in the world, I will always be there whenever you need me, goodluck” and then he left.

that was last week, I did not realize that will be last we will talk….
…..
I am not going to contact him- I respect his FreeWill..
BUT
I am perplexed, I was not spoiling his marriage, we genuinely connected on a mental and emotional level – why would he just run away like this??? Is it because he knew that there will be no sex and no nothing more or what..

why wont he explain or atleast try to.. Could anyone please explain..

Reply May 25, 2015, 6:17 pm

Laine

If it’s the early stages of a long distance relationship, and there’s a bit of ghosting, is it the same of ‘he’s just not that into you’?
Early stages meaning you kissed when you first met but other than exchange numbers,no talk of a relationship or anything serious other than he said he likes you.
I’ll get responses to texts usually but a few minutes in and I might not get a response later. And it’ll be dormant for a month or so til I text again and then it repays. Pretty sure I’m kidding myself thinking he is trying to back away every time he gets interested and likes me but he realizes its long distance and doesn’t want to get into it.@_@ I’m not obsessed with the guy, it’s more of an obsession with wanting to know why. Why is that! ?

Reply May 25, 2015, 11:51 am

Allora

I have recently been “ghosted” for the third time… I gotta say, it sucks!
This time around it wasn’t a slow fade out like before.
It was an overnight change, literally. We were talking and our conversation was fun and happy and then, because he works nights, we said goodbye. Then right before he went into work he sent me a heart symbol through text (<3) and it made me happy.
The next day, I didn't hear from him. I waited a couple days thinking he'd contact me eventually…but he didn't. So I texted him. I got friendly replies but obviously something had changed.. and then eventually he just didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since.
I am so confused about how things could be so happy one day and so distant the next. I refuse to text him again though because of my pride which just leaves me sitting around, wondering if he'll come back or if I lost him forever.
I know the smartest move would be to accept the fact that he pulled a Houdini act and move on but it's easier said than done..

Reply May 19, 2015, 12:20 am

Mya

I completely understand you. It sucks !!! I hope you find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated!!!

Reply May 21, 2015, 5:43 pm

Mya

I went on holiday to Portugal for a few months back in September and met this amazing guy. We hit it off and we end up hooking up before I left. Even when I got back home we continued to talk everyday. I fell in love and planned a trip back there this summer. However, a month ago today he stopped talking to me. I get the hint & refuse to chase him but it hurts so bad. I can’t wrap my head around it. How can you say you love me and then just cut me off like I am nothing?! I try moving on but some days I just cry and blame myself…. I miss him even though he did a sh*tty thing to me. I guess time will heal… Can’t wait to be over this ????

Reply May 6, 2015, 6:21 pm

Natasha

Awww Sweetie, men do stuff like that when they are getting too close…your guy probably has baggage that he needs to deal with and perhaps he thought that he could not handle an LDR…Let him go..I know the feeling..but usually they do reach out within one to two months, they miss the feeling of being wanted and loved and they miss you but usually for the wrong reasons…I would say let him go and try (and this is going to be very hard) to keep your options open…start dating..indulge yourself…You are strong enough and smart enough not to have chased him…Most women try to reach out in desperation, I have done it in my lowest and darkest times and made a complete fool of myself..Oh yeah, I cringe at the stupid things I have done…Ive only just learnt to relax and step back and realize that if a guy truly likes you, you don’t have to chase him, he will like pursuing you, in fact he will love it, he will want to have you all to himself and snatch you before anyone else takes you off the market..All you have to do is respond to him positively. be sweet to him, and act like the queen you are…Be yourself, Be happy, he will come back and by then, you probably wont care because you will be busy getting it on with a nicer, more worthy guy who will call and text you and make trips just to see you( instead of the other way round) no matter how far away he lives 😉 ..Love and light :)

Reply May 12, 2015, 1:07 pm

Mya

Natasha you’re amazing! Thanks for the advice it truly helped me out a lot :)

Reply May 21, 2015, 5:38 pm

Tyra

Ok so I been talking to this guy for 4weeks , i met him on the gram. He asked for my number and I thought he was cute so I’m like ” why not ?” So We eventually started talking on the phone every night and even falling asleep on the phone ! I’m talking about 11Hrs on the phone, i never did that before. But anyway we eventually considered our relationship as a bf gf type of relationship and we were exited to see each other. We eventually seen each other in person and I know for a fact that we liked each other because he kept kissing me ! And he called me back that same night and even sent me a ” good morning Beautiful text ” but then as that day went on things became a little weird I started seeing him flirting with other girls on the gram and he started acting weird…I asked him if I did anything wrong he told me no. He always says ” I’m just having my own little problems” so I believed him but when I text him , sometimes he doesn’t even respond or he would just respond late.. At first I was thinking he was getting depressed about something but he wouldnt tell me what’s wrong. He still texts me but he texts like he’s not interested in me anymore, and I don’t want to keep texting him because I don’t want to seem desperate…but I really think he’s gonna start texting me normal again but I’m really upset about the way he’s been acting and treating me should I just leave him alone??? #help !!! And should I text him back when he text me? Because I don’t think I should

Reply April 30, 2015, 2:15 am

Mya

I think you shouldn’t talk to him. I’m going through a similar situation and as much as it sucks you have to move on. Stop talking to him and if he starts texting you a lot again he is probably interested. But it sounds like he got everything he needed from you and got bored and is finding another girl to talk to. Guys suck but there is definitely a good guy out there for you. Keep your head up & I wish you the best. :)

Reply May 6, 2015, 8:29 pm

kitty

I recently just broken up with my boyfriend last week..

We being together for 3 years and things were real good untile last year my ex s parents were to move to aus in September 2014 and ask us to come over for my ex’s birthday for the month so we were really excited and lloved up and everything , when we git ov over we barley did anything he want to sit around looking on YouTube or doing what to do we didn’t even anything for our 3year anverssiry but got to babysit while he went off on bikes for his bday I just kind let pass because we were awa then his parent ask us to move over for the year and they had jobs set for us .when we came back something change in him I know he was depressed missing them and the fun had their but I told will be back not worry he had lost his job aswel and I was only temparly working and we were in my dad’s place to help save moneyjust shorten things down bit basic since we came back I was the one trying looking for and wavering money while just sat in the room wouldn’t come out not talk to my dad or anythingso then his mom called and thought of an idea if he went over and worked first and paied mental get over and oblisy pay back when I get over so the was grand like he was still all love and etc into me… But plans got change he had to move tso months ago to help out his nann that was sick and he told me don’t worry I’ll keep in contact and rember I love you and that were still going so I went to see like the odd week or when I could go up and it was great he seem so in love with me he couldn’t stop holding me he call and me when I got back home nowthis change we hadn’t seen each other for three weeks and I always asked him if he defiantly sure he wants me and he say yes of course I do that I would tell just don’t like play me :L and he was one telling the plan and how we’re getting over and how we’re going have a great life together but two weeks ago I had talk to him on the phone he seem so happy to be talking me and mention to me about the visa etc and couldn’t wait to see me the a few days later I hadn’t heard from him so I text him to check up he rang me in the most angry tone I said hello cause of bad recepsion and he yelled at me “if you’re going so angrey I’ll hang up the phone”and wasn’t angry at all and I was asking what’s wrong what happend and wouldn’t say so I ask I’m I still going with you and said yes he said I love you talk to you in the morrowing but I rang an hour later to make sure he was ok that could to me and told doing the visa today like we were lament to and he said what ever you want and I said whatdo you mean and he went to were going get along or will be unhappy that we fight all the time whicht don’t and blah blah but he was like I always love that do want to be you and miss you but we wouldn’t work over their and I said why are you saying this why would you wait tile now to tell when going to go he had told not join to Collge course or other thing s because Will over their so I hadn’t got real reason why and it was over the phone he couldn’t even say we were over so I’m ment to meet him I’m Friday and figure what the happend why did he lead me on this far I was devastated that have broken up I’m confused my world up side I and I really love him I came a place to stay while his family went of I put the effort in now ihave to now try out a new plan while he house over liveing the life btw he gets everything handed to him… So what now

Reply April 29, 2015, 4:03 am

Mya

Sounds like too much drama and your making more of an effort than he is. Start your own life and make a new plan without him. He seems all set and he is being rude to you! It does suck and it will for a while but like this post said keep busy and time will heal. Good luck with everything:)

Reply May 7, 2015, 11:04 am

Sally

So this has just happened to me and has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world.
We ‘met’ on Tinder texted for a little bit and then met up. Ive had so much fun with him the last 3 weeks, crazy spontaneous fun and so this guy has really got under my skin. I knew all along that it wouldn’t last forever but then he started saying things about the future and friends of his I’ll meet etc. All seemed great! But he has vanished, no texts and no calls this week. I called him on Tuesday after seeing him on Sunday and he ignored my call/didnt return it. So I know that’s that. I feel so rejected and actually find it damn rude.
Thing is he gave me his hard drive to put movies on and I still have it. I thought I’d wait a while and then text him saying, Hey dont forget I have your hard drive. This isn’t to reach out to him I just dont want to look llike I just want to hang on to it since it was up to me to give it back. Or do I just wait to see if he asks for it back? If he doesn’t ask for it back- does he really not want to see me again that much??!
Random I know but would appreciate a viewpoint!

Reply April 25, 2015, 11:03 am

Lisa

Don’t contact him. Seriously. It’s rude as hell for him to ignore your texts/phone calls, and he doesn’t deserve to have his hard drive back. Throw it away, set it on fire, mail it back to him if you really want to make sure he gets it, but don’t contact him. That just makes you look desperate.

Reply April 26, 2015, 12:29 pm

Pearl

Totally agree!

Reply April 30, 2015, 7:31 pm

Ali

1.he is above your league. Men have to date down for sex but only marry in their league
2.hes just not that into you meaning he is above your league. If women went for men in their league this won’t happen.
3.karma. Women flaked on men in their younger years n now they see how it feels

Reply April 21, 2015, 8:53 pm

Amy

And Ali what if you’re a girl who has dated “down” (I say this because I go for personality and chemistry more than looks) and they still disappear?
P.s. That karma bit… That may be your personal experience but don’t let it cloud giving advice. I’ve never flaked on a guy and have only ever experienced disappointment from men despite being kind and loyal.

Reply April 26, 2015, 12:19 pm

Sandy

I can relate to most of you. I’m really not sure yet what to think of my situation. I’ll explain it. Ive been dating this guy for 9 months. He was a frequent customer at my job and I saw him often but we never really spoke. We would have small talk every once in awhile like people do when passing each other but nothing significant. This went on for about a year of seeing him at my place of business at least 2 to 3 times a week. Then last June he finally got up the nerve and asked me out to dinner. We were pretty much inseperable since then. We had our jobs and other obligations but in our free time we were always together, either at his place or mine. Around the six month mark I realized I was falling for him and that I actually loved him. Greatest guy, very sweet and very respectable. The only problem I had with him was that he never like to stay the night with me, or stay the night with him. We did a few times but it was a big hassle for him because he is a light sleeper. I was hurt about this and he could see that so he on occasion would stay the night just to make me happy even if it meant he wasn’t getting any sleep. I came to realize it was a big problem for him so I stopped expecting him to do the sleepover thing. It bothered me a lot but I got use to it. Yes we were imitate all the time but he would always go home or I after the night was over. I felt a little cheap doing it this way but the guy was a light sleeper and him being a self-employed landscaper required him to get a good nights rest so I left the situation alone. I finally got up the nerve to tell him I love him at around the 6 month mark…I was sort of expecting a I love you too back because through his actions it felt like he did. He couldn’t say it back when I told him. I was crushed. I actually got a little hot under the collar about it which I shouldn’t have. I said if you don’t want to say it back thats fine, I guess you don’t love me or you would say it. He replied, how do you know??? I said, well because you won’t say it back! He really didnt say anything about that and the subject was changed. Then here we are at the ninth month mark. Its spring time and he told me he would be pretty busy since this was his busiest season. I was fine with that…I wasn’t expecting us to be able to hang out all the time like we did in the fall and winter time. What I was not expecting was for him to go complete NC. I let a week go by without him contacting me and I started to feel confused. I mean come on, thou can’t even call me? I know he is busy, but too busy to call me for 5 minutes. I would even take a once a week call, but to no prevail. i finally broke down and told him that the no contact was unacceptable and didnt make any sense to me. He said, listen, I haven’t forgotten about you…Im just really busy. I know you don’t like this but its the way it has to be…after the spring and I get most of my work done things will be different. I said I find it hard to believe any woman finding this acceptable and he said listen..trust me Ive been through this before (with his past girlfriends) and they reacted the same way. He got a little frustrated and said this is why I don’t have girlfriends, just because of this situation…that they always take off when he gets too busy in the spring time. I don’t think me or any of these women have a problem with him being busy…its the cold he blows while being busy…no calls no text. I asked him why he can’t even call me. He really didnt say anything except for me to try to understand, that he had a bad winter and his financies were all screwed up and he needed some time to get back on top of his game again. Of course I was incredibley hurt. He was so loving and attentive to absolutely no contact at all what so ever. I did call him once and he did call me back and was very nice and talkative. Told me about his work issues and finances he needs to fix. I called him the following week and no answer. So I texted him and asked him how he was doing since i haven’t heard from him in awhile. He texted back saying Hi, Im headed to bed now. I texted him last week and he did text back saying he is working hard and busy. Ive decided to not contact him anymore, let him come to me. Im taking it he needs space and to catch up on his finances and his work. But I just don’t understand the no contact thing. I know men sometimes need space for themselves to be men. I know towards the end of winter he was having a hard time financially and it really bothered him as far as having the means to take me out and buy me things, which I never once asked for anything and I never got upset if we never went out, I was happy just having dinner at my place or mine and watching movies. Im financially independent and I own my own home, my car is paid off. He on the other hand is no were near these establishments. He did mention to me that it bothers him at his age (of 43) he hasn’t reached the milstones all his friends has reached or what i have reached. I have never judged him for anything, I just enjoyed being with him and I love him. He has yet to say I love you back. The only thing he would say is that he has feelings for me. I did sort of screw up and tried to have the talk with him a week before the spring hit. Like where is this going conversation? Of course he really didnt have much to say about it, said he just got off work and was tired and didnt need the drama, he actually said it in a nice way! Anyways..its going on three weeks and no contact despite me initating text and me calling twice and he only answered the first one. I know he is going through a lot of issues right now but just don’t know what to think of this. I feel like he is off in his cave. Im not ready to label him a jerk and walk away. He said he is use to women walking away when he gets like this so maybe he is expecting the same from me, I don’t know. All I can do is just lay low and see if he reaches out to me. I miss him and what we had together but Im trying to give him his space right now. I just hope Im not being a fool waiting by to see what happens. What do you guys think??

Reply April 18, 2015, 8:05 pm

Mya

While your waiting around and to help distract you I strongly recommend you read “Why Men Love Bitches” it is soooo helpful and I guarantee you will be happy you read it. Give him space and if he doesn’t talk to you then Eff him and move on. But maybe if you give him space like he said he will come around… Just keep doing things to keep you busy and avoid waiting around for him to call. Best of luck :)

Reply May 6, 2015, 8:40 pm

jenn

This is probably the second time this happened to me, and it makes me feel like guys think I’m some sort of psycho, which I know for a fact that I’m not! I met a guy on tinder, started talking for a few weeks and he asked for my number. Continued to talk and then he asked to meet for drinks. First date went great, we stayed up until 3 am talking. We continued to text each other from morning till night every day! Every other date went swimmingly up until the 6th date… we decided to meet up to watch a hockey game at a bar. We both were okay with drinking quite a bit and ended up getting very drunk (he was as well)…we went to my apartment and started getting frisky but unfortunately we thought it would be a good idea in our inebriated states to have the DTR conversation.. he told me he was just looking to have fun and did not want to be in a relationship, which sober me would have totally respected and honestly not really care about but drunk me got overwhelmed and slightly overly emotional. Anyways, I texted him the next day apologizing and he responded saying it was not a big deal at all. We talked for a little bit, then I sent a mundane text about what I had for lunch, then I heard nothing from him. Usually he will shoot me a text within a few hours at any given time, but now I’ve gotten nothing. To add insult to injury, he’s completely re-updated his tinder profile and has been very active so I know he’s on his phone. I can’t help but feel personally responsible, it upsets me because my drunk actions caused a guy to flee when I would never have acted that way sober. Any advice?

Reply April 12, 2015, 9:54 am

Anonymous

Perhaps you wanted a relationship with him. The texting from morning to night every day, and texting about mundane things certainly indicates that.

Anyways, it’s time to move on. Don’t contact him anymore. If he doesn’t come around, its his loss. Find someone new to spend time with, go out with your friends. Get your mind off of him, and be mysterious. Show him you’re living a full life, and you’ve got other options!

Reply April 14, 2015, 1:18 am

Jdavis

I have this male friend, that we’ve been talking on and off for the last 10 years. He lives two states over from where I live, with some of my other relatives in the same town. We would talk for a while and it would go a week or so, and we would talk again. Can you just send a text like” I’m fine, have a good day, we’ll talk in a couple of weeks?” Nothing. So we recently made plans to get together a couple of months ago, just a date to see how it goes, Made the date, figured out what we were going to do, and I had to hang up. I send a couple of text messages, saying I can’t wait to see you, etc. No reply, next day, I would say something about our trip, No reply. Two days go by, I tried calling him, he didn’t call back. So fine I left him alone, he put me on ignore. Three weeks go by, still haven’t heard from him, and he finally calls me, but at 330am, sorry but I’m asleep. He doesn’t want to leave a voice mail, or text. It’s like, “here I made an effort to calling you, oh but sorry, you were sleeping, sorry to miss the call”. another week goes by, I text: “Happy Easter”. He says “You too”. “I said thanks”. Then he says “Call me”. Really? I told him, my phone isn’t working right, all I can do is text.” A few minutes go by, I replied: “That’s what I thought, have a good nite” . He will probably try to call in the middle of the night. His excuses for always not calling me, he’s always working. From 8 am to 11 pm, every single night? He does have to take a minute to eat, right, just send me a text, hello, everything is ok”. I just give up with him. Blows hot one minute, cold the next. He doesn’t like to text because of the little letters on the phone. Mine is the same way. He wants his way, it was a test for me to see if he continues texting and try to talk me into calling him like he always does. You know, I get the point, he has no time for me, but he’s friends with my grandma, and calls her every night. They live in the same town. I just don’t get guys who will talk to you then put you on ignore. I guess he has issues, and doesn’t have time for me. I got stuff to do anyway, and I’m tired of the BS. Anybody know guys that do that??

Reply April 4, 2015, 9:34 pm

Pearl

Yeah, they’re called “playas”. They have options that’s why the late night/early morning calls.

Reply April 7, 2015, 4:04 am

CC

Hey just want to share my recent ghosting encounter with you all, what do you think about this dude I was dating??

I have been dating this guy for more than 2 months, but he has not asked me to be his gf or to be exclusive yet. Given the short time i have not got very concerned. We kiss and hold hands in public and totally act like a committed couple, it is not like he is not showing his affections towards me.

We tried to hang out last Tuesday night but he said he could not due to his younger brother. But he immediately suggested last Wed night and texted me at 5 pm on wed to make sure we could hang out. We went to the restaurant that I picked, and he tagged along and enjoyed it. I honestly can say he did try to make me happy.

so that was last Wednesday night, after dinner we made out at my place and he slept next to me for a few hours before he had to leave. He said there would be a party in May that he wants to take me to, and I could “pretend to be his gf.” Then he immediately changed and said, ” not pretending, I will call you my gf.” He also said that he would get pissed if another guy hits on me. The final conclusion is we would hold hands walking into the party so everyone knows I am with him, aka I am taken. He showed to be possessive of me, even though he has not officially asked me to be his gf.

He even said next time we will play more PS4 games which indicate that he would come over to my place.

When he was leaving, I walked him to his car and he said, I love you. He said that before and was the first to say it. He kissed me multiple times and texted me right after he got home to let me know that he got him safely. I texted him back and said I miss u already. He read that message around 10 am when he was in class! That was the last I heard from him.

Today is Tuesday, he has not called me or texted me. We used to text at least once daily, now it has been 6 days. I don’t know whether he is hiding in his man-cave to pull away or he is losing interest… Last time was completely fine and I did not sense anything was wrong. But the harsh reality hit me that he has not texted or asked me for almost a week.

The thing that really pisses me and confuses me were him saying I love you, suggesting a party in May, more video game time together… He even held my hand when I walked him to his car! I sensed nothing was wrong.

I texted him on Sunday at 2 pm just briefly, hey r u ok? No response.

At 4 pm I texted him hey r u alive? No response. Both iMessages are delivered but have not been read until today. Maybe he blocks me, but for what?!

To me, he is either dead or I just wanna slap him!

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:41 pm

CC

Why would he change so suddenly? He was giving me all the strong signals before last Thursday. To check someone’s message in class means u r thinking about them. But now there has been nothing!

This is so messed up, his I love u is sooo cheap to me.

Reply March 31, 2015, 10:46 pm

Tracey

that sounds like something that recently happened to me and I am at lost for words. What do you do?

Reply April 16, 2015, 10:18 pm

Natasha

Have you tried calling him? Maybe something came up…sometimes you never know what is going on…Is he active on any other social media?…If so, then he is a player and should not get any more of your attention…I would send him a message like “I’m assuming you are dead right now and your spirit is reading all my texts…may lord have mercy on your selfish rotting womanizing soul” lol…But in all seriousness, don’t text him ever, don’t tweet him, instagram him, whatsapp him, or do anything stupid like reaching out to him ever again, until he contacts you again, believe me it works….block him if you have the strength…(I wouldn’t be able to but maybe you are stronger)…And when he texts you (Which usually happens within the first to second month of NC which you are strictly going to follow but don’t hold your breath) don’t text him back till 24 hours later…make him suffer…and be cool when you reply to him like you could not really care less anymore..Anyway by then you won’t really care enough to even reply…

Reply May 12, 2015, 1:23 pm

hansa

Same crap just with a twist. I met a neighbor who is very cute and my age. He invited me out and we really clicked. Talked every day, had tons of chemistry but then my ex found out, he called him and kind of intimidated him. Then the guy ran away like he was on fire. In the next few days my ex called him, apologized and kind of said he wont be interfering anymore so we reconected. Well things were never the same after. He wouldn’t make weekend plans but would still constantly text me and send me pictures from wherever he was. Eventually my dumb self even went over and slept with him. I remember him saying he would never string me along – he didn’t lie. He also said he loves kids and would love to get to know my child, wth?!?. Continued to text but avoid weekends until of course valentine rolled around. 7 days no contact!! I didn’t contact him, instead I made valentine plans with someone else – lucky Im quite attractive and have tons of options. I suspect he also saw me with my new date. Eventually I left some of his belongings in front of his house, texted him I did that and his response was – I did a crappy job hope we can be friends Im working on myself – supposedly he cant connect or some other dumb excuse. My response was..- work harder, you hurt my feelings but I moved on and please leave my belongings at my door. He never responded and still has my stuff. Well the painful thing is he really lives very close to me and even though I havent seen him I see his car and he knows if someone is staying over and also I do want my stuff back- advice to everyone – never date close to where you live..

Reply March 19, 2015, 11:37 pm

candance

This happened to me. He was the one pursuing me trying to get me to be with him. Taking me out being there for me. He was the wooer I guess you could say. Eventually I fell for him. Somewhere down the road of good times, and cute dates he didisappeared. He never answer my texts, he always calls when I text him but he stopped doing that. He forgot about our dates we had planned and he is gone.
Sadly this isn’t the first nor the second nor the third time the vanishing act has happened. It seems that every guy Vanishes on me.

Reply March 17, 2015, 10:01 pm

Jacee

Ok…
So we were dating for 4 years and left my house after a weekend together and we haven’t spoken much since. He won’t call or text. If I stop by he gives me the cold shoulder. I ask him what’s wrong and he says nothing. I ask why he vanished, he said he didn’t. It’s very sad and frustrating. I do miss him and he has done a lot for me through the last 4 years. The only thing is we have had no physical intimacy at all in the last 3 of the 4 years. He said he wasn’t interested. He isn’t a social person so I know he’s not out at night and I know he’s home most weekends. I don’t understand what happened. I don’t know if he wants me to leave him alone or what? I’ve asked that too.. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” He just says, why would I want that? Yet he still doesn’t talk to me or see me… help!?!

Reply March 16, 2015, 7:45 pm

Ann

You have had no physical intimacy for 3 out of the 4 years you have been dating? AND he is giving you the proverbial mindfuck on top of it? You don’t say how old you are, but my guess is you are fairly young. Intimacy is THE GLUE in a relationship. I would be running for the hills. Why would you stay with someone who A: isn’t interested in you sexually, and B: by his actions, doesn’t care if you are in his life? Do not listen to his words. Pay attention to his actions. Don’t you already have the information you need to get out of this relationship? There are SO many other men out there that would love to be with you. Run, sweetie, run!!!!

Reply March 17, 2015, 7:46 am

Jacee

Thanks Ann…and FYI… we are both 40. Never married either of us, no kids.

Reply March 17, 2015, 2:11 pm

Jacee

And I’m only his second girlfriend he ever had.

Reply March 17, 2015, 2:12 pm

Natasha

The first thought that came to my mind is that he is either terribly depressed, so much so that he does not seek the intimacy that you so want to provide him with, or he has turned asexual or is in the midst of a midlife crisis …I have been with emotionally unavailable men before and no matter what, no matter how many times they faded me out and kept coming back (I am stupid, I know), they were consistent in their approach to sex…They wanted it and they sought it out…Maybe he is going through a bad phase in his life right now, with no marriage, no kids, he is probably wondering what the point of it all is. He might need therapy…But it is not your responsibility to babysit him through it…Let him go and sort himself out..You have tolerated it for too long, and you deserve so much better..If/when he sorts himself out and decides to stop being a big, grumpy baby, he will come back and pursue you. Till then, continue to date, open yourself to other men…You might not even want to be with him by the time he comes around (Which he will). But don’t hold your breath waiting for that. As Ann above said, watch his actions and don’t go by his words…I need to follow that advice too. Be good to yourself..

March 17, 2015, 3:36 pm

Rabz

Please help me out! I met this guy online on a website that advocates marriage. We just chatted and then swapped numbers. From text msgs to phone calls that last hours and hours. Now I am 25 and he is 31 so we are both adults. I feel like Im a likeable person. I am honest in my interactions and friendly and I’m not judgemental. Anyways, we talked for 2 months over the phone and snap chats and a couple of Skype calls and he was on my Instagram. I have a couple of relationships before but I had chosen not to sleep with any of my exs although, love was there but I was never comfortable. This guy, being from the same
Ethnic background did ask me, how far I had gone with my ex and I was completely honest about it. Anyways, now that I think about it, there were a lot of red flags like he was 31 and the longest relationship he had was 6 months. He was investing a lot of time in getting to know me and although, he knew, my life style was a
Different than his. ( I don’t smoke or drink by choice) I do have a lot of friends who do and I told him that as long as drinking and smoking is not a habit and a life style. I’m
Okay with it. He talked to me non stop, funny videos, told me how he felt about me and could really see me in his future and told him mom about me. I didn’t want to involve my family or friends just as yet. Anyways, he lived on the other side of the country–sent me flowers and rosses in valentines day and all that crap that girls Dream
Of and told me he has never met anyone like me and I was too good to be true but tjah he wants to settle
Down and I seem like someone he’d want to be with and all that jazz about how I intrigue him and how much he likes me and how will never hurt me and will be honest with me. Always. Although, I guess his past relationships were a good indicator of how he has trouble being with anyone normal. I just got sucked into his web of lies. He made me feel so special and told
Me to trust him. He tried visiting me a couple of times. I was busy one weekend–finally, he surprised me and told me that he is here and I went to see him–kinda insecure tjah maybe he won’t like me in person and I saw him and really liked him. He brought me flowers, made reservations at s very fancy restaurant and took me
There. I was freaking out so he gave me a small card before going to the washroom that said ” please relax. I like you!” And then I tried to relax. I felt like we had a good time–he took me to a really nice place after the restaurant where you can see the whole city and after that I went home cas I had told
Him straight up I wouldn’t be sleeping with him or anything and he knew that. I thanked him for everything and now that I think of it, he might’ve been distant replying but it seemed okay. The next day we met up
Again and went on rjis road trip
And spent a few hours there, ate, had fun and came back around 7 pm and he drove, paid for everything. Although I insisted –our conversations were casual and playful and nothing serious cas we had talked about things over the phone . He took pictures with me there, selfies and looked so happy and we held hands and walked a lot anyways we got back to
The city –I dropped him
Off at his hotel and said, he is tired and we should meet up for dinner and i said, I’ll come pick him up. We didn’t end up meeting for dinner cas he also has a friend in the city and also cas he woke up around 11:30 pm so I suggested we can catch up tomorrow and he said his friends here anyways so that sounds better. He was leaving the next day, so I met up with him and asked him if he wanted to spend time with his friend instead but he said no and we went for brunch and then a walk and had a good time. Again just casual
Conversations nothing too too
Major and then befor dropping him off at the airport, I asked him if he had fun and liked cas I met him online and really liked him so wanted to know and he said of course he did and why else would he spend so much time with me and I said , maybe he is just a nice guy and he said no he can be a jerk and if he didn’t like me he’d not spend time with me. I can’t believe I was so
Insecure. It’s just that over the phone and countless hours that we had talked for and things that we shared, I had developed that kinda relationship with him where I felt
Comfortable asking him. I even bought some lil
Presents for his lil nephews cas they always talked to me over the phone and asked for kids stuff and he’d always joke about how I never get them
Anything . Anyways, in our culture, we don’t kiss or sleep
Together unless there’s is at least some sort of commitment and he had been kinda guy who hadn’t been in a normal relationship but anyways when we said goodbye he only kissed my forehead and hugged and told me he wanted to come
The first week of Next month if it was okay with me and I said yeah, but I am there for work tjah week so I’ll see him
In his city instead but I will surprise him too and not give the actual date and he laughed and aid don’t worry I’ll be mentally prepared and make reservations. He was such a gentleman through out the trip that I could see myself falling in love. Anyways so after that he texted me when he landed and I didn’t hear from him the next day and he was flying to another city for work so I told him to have a safe flight but then didn’t hear from him the whole day so I freaked out called and texted saying even if you didn’t like me, you ca atlesst tell me you are okay and I’m worried and he replied a few hours later that he is sorry that he made me worried but he is okay and he will call
Me later. But he seemed so distant so I left it at that. Next day I texted him
To which he relied he will give me a shout later but that was last Tuesday and he hasn’t called or texted. And I was so broken cas this guy did so mcij for me and made me feel so special but now I’m drowning in self doubt and can’t help but think it’s cas of looks or he hated my personality. Although, I’m the same person but I don’t know. I just can’t understand how someone can go from being sooo close and attached to you to just no contact and so dry. I went crazy and deleted my Instagram so I don’t have to see the posts he had tagged me in and all the mushy stuff etc. he hasn’t been in a relationship with a girl who doesn’t smoke weed or drink or goes clubbing. He has not been in a relationship where he said he felt like he wanted to marry the person except for one girl who he was friends
With for a long time but turns out she was cheating on him and even before that he was with her on and off and then completely let go. And he has been with models and girls who have had Timmy tuck and stuff like that. I’m not bad looking. I’m maybe a 7.5 or an 8. He is cute but not the hottest but I have always been insecure and I don’t even care about looks just the chemistry and how much I liked him and how much I cared for him and I felt
Like he did too and I could see myself with him. I feel so ugly and stupid and insecure right now for acting so dumb. Please help
Please. I don’t know what to do. I’m
In his city in a couple
Of weeks. Obvs I don’t wanna reach out to him and be desperate but he already prolly thinks I’m crazy for deleting my Instagram. What didn’t he like about me? We’ve had numerous conversations about this. If he did t like me why didn’t he politely tell me. What do I do? I can’t seem to forget this guy. I know it’s been a week and I’ll be okay in time but I actually really really felt something and it makes me
Sad that he didn’t respect me enough after all
This time
To tel
Me
But instead lied and then went dry and vanished. Should I try to reach out when I’m
In his city ughhhh

Reply March 16, 2015, 2:37 pm

michelle

sounds like you spent too much time doing nothing but having a good time with a ‘brother’.
you should have moved on long ago.
you have been too available.

Reply March 30, 2015, 6:27 pm

sara

it’s impressive to see to how many people this happened; at least I am not alone. I always thought tht this would not have happened to me but was so wrong.
I met this guy online one month ago we started chatting he was smart and funny. After a while I decided it was safe to give in and give him my number. We kept on chatting (sometimes we messaged for entire nights!) until we agreed to see each other. I was very unsure because from the pictures I had seen he was totally not my type but he was smartand funny so I agreed. So we meet and he actually turns out to be pretty hot! First date went really well and we agreed to see each other the day after. So the day after we meet at 3pm and the time flew so fast we ended up staying lunch dinner and after lunch togheter (we said good bye at 4am in the morning!) He comes back home text me and we message a lot (we had just shared a long kiss nothing more). We keep chating and agree to see each other two days after. The date goes well and we make out (though I was still not comfortable sleeping with him so I did not). He asks me to dinner twice but I was super bussy so I couldn’t and then comunications start to became more scarse. We finally decide to meet again a few days ago but he only could late at night and the stupid me (that wanted to see him) accepted what really looked like a booty call. We did not sleep toghether at least. Anyways He told me he had to leave for the weekend so wouldn’t be aroud and have not heard from him since and it’s been 3 days! I’m going crazy here becasue was the first time I started liking someone in a long time and I hate rejection! what the hell happened ?! I hate the fading act awfull!

Reply March 15, 2015, 10:15 am

Natasha

It’s still too early in your case to say for sure whether he is fading out…I would say give it a week…Sometimes guys need time to reevaluate and just take some time for themselves. If you don’t hear from him in a week, you can definitely let him go…And don’t initiate contact with him at all. No texts, no calls…nothing…because if you text him, and you don’t get a reply, you will be obsessing about it for the next three, four days…I’ve been there, I know…Its the worst feeling ever…And if you have already texted him, don’t text him anymore and keep yourself busy so you don’t think about him anymore, for the sake of your own mental well being..Just let him take the lead now and then respond accordingly..

Reply March 15, 2015, 12:02 pm

chloe

Looking at all the comments it looks like it happens to.a lot of people it hurts like crazy to be just cut of with no warning or reason from someone’s life im.wondering what the hell I’ve done and when it’s going to stop x

Reply March 9, 2015, 9:37 pm

Natasha

Yeah it makes you reevaluate yourself and doubt if you are even worthy of being in a healthy, loving relationship…The best thing you can do is let it go and not take it personally…The fact that they don’t have the balls to break up in person, to just disappear reflects more on them than on you..I also have the tendency to attract flakes to myself…My last relationship was with a flaming narcissist..He kept coming, winning me over with his apologies and his amazing sense of humor, and then pulling the fade out on me the minute I got reeled in..It happened thrice..Its like hitting my head against a brick wall, I always felt stupid at the end…Let it go..don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing that his behavior affects you…You have no idea how empowering it is when they come back to check on you (Oh he will) and you show them that you are perfectly fine and did’nt notice their absence or that they faded out at all…Just don’t let him take anymore of your energy, time or dignity..

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:23 pm

Rabz

Please help me out! I met this guy online on a website that advocates marriage. We just chatted and then swapped numbers. From text msgs to phone calls that last hours and hours. Now I am 25 and he is 31 so we are both adults. I feel like Im a likeable person. I am honest in my interactions and friendly and I’m not judgemental. Anyways, we talked for 2 months over the phone and snap chats and a couple of Skype calls and he was on my Instagram. I have a couple of relationships before but I had chosen not to sleep with any of my exs although, love was there but I was never comfortable. This guy, being from the same
Ethnic background did ask me, how far I had gone with my ex and I was completely honest about it. Anyways, now that I think about it, there were a lot of red flags like he was 31 and the longest relationship he had was 6 months. He was investing a lot of time in getting to know me and although, he knew, my life style was a
Different than his. ( I don’t smoke or drink by choice) I do have a lot of friends who do and I told him that as long as drinking and smoking is not a habit and a life style. I’m
Okay with it. He talked to me non stop, funny videos, told me how he felt about me and could really see me in his future and told him mom about me. I didn’t want to involve my family or friends just as yet. Anyways, he lived on the other side of the country–sent me flowers and rosses in valentines day and all that crap that girls Dream
Of and told me he has never met anyone like me and I was too good to be true but tjah he wants to settle
Down and I seem like someone he’d want to be with and all that jazz about how I intrigue him and how much he likes me and how will never hurt me and will be honest with me. Always. Although, I guess his past relationships were a good indicator of how he has trouble being with anyone normal. I just got sucked into his web of lies. He made me feel so special and told
Me to trust him. He tried visiting me a couple of times. I was busy one weekend–finally, he surprised me and told me that he is here and I went to see him–kinda insecure tjah maybe he won’t like me in person and I saw him and really liked him. He brought me flowers, made reservations at s very fancy restaurant and took me
There. I was freaking out so he gave me a small card before going to the washroom that said ” please relax. I like you!” And then I tried to relax. I felt like we had a good time–he took me to a really nice place after the restaurant where you can see the whole city and after that I went home cas I had told
Him straight up I wouldn’t be sleeping with him or anything and he knew that. I thanked him for everything and now that I think of it, he might’ve been distant replying but it seemed okay. The next day we met up
Again and went on rjis road trip
And spent a few hours there, ate, had fun and came back around 7 pm and he drove, paid for everything. Although I insisted –our conversations were casual and playful and nothing serious cas we had talked about things over the phone . He took pictures with me there, selfies and looked so happy and we held hands and walked a lot anyways we got back to
The city –I dropped him
Off at his hotel and said, he is tired and we should meet up for dinner and i said, I’ll come pick him up. We didn’t end up meeting for dinner cas he also has a friend in the city and also cas he woke up around 11:30 pm so I suggested we can catch up tomorrow and he said his friends here anyways so that sounds better. He was leaving the next day, so I met up with him and asked him if he wanted to spend time with his friend instead but he said no and we went for brunch and then a walk and had a good time. Again just casual
Conversations nothing too too
Major and then befor dropping him off at the airport, I asked him if he had fun and liked cas I met him online and really liked him so wanted to know and he said of course he did and why else would he spend so much time with me and I said , maybe he is just a nice guy and he said no he can be a jerk and if he didn’t like me he’d not spend time with me. I can’t believe I was so
Insecure. It’s just that over the phone and countless hours that we had talked for and things that we shared, I had developed that kinda relationship with him where I felt
Comfortable asking him. I even bought some lil
Presents for his lil nephews cas they always talked to me over the phone and asked for kids stuff and he’d always joke about how I never get them
Anything . Anyways, in our culture, we don’t kiss or sleep
Together unless there’s is at least some sort of commitment and he had been kinda guy who hadn’t been in a normal relationship but anyways when we said goodbye he only kissed my forehead and hugged and told me he wanted to come
The first week of Next month if it was okay with me and I said yeah, but I am there for work tjah week so I’ll see him
In his city instead but I will surprise him too and not give the actual date and he laughed and aid don’t worry I’ll be mentally prepared and make reservations. He was such a gentleman through out the trip that I could see myself falling in love. Anyways so after that he texted me when he landed and I didn’t hear from him the next day and he was flying to another city for work so I told him to have a safe flight but then didn’t hear from him the whole day so I freaked out called and texted saying even if you didn’t like me, you ca atlesst tell me you are okay and I’m worried and he replied a few hours later that he is sorry that he made me worried but he is okay and he will call
Me later. But he seemed so distant so I left it at that. Next day I texted him
To which he relied he will give me a shout later but that was last Tuesday and he hasn’t called or texted. And I was so broken cas this guy did so mcij for me and made me feel so special but now I’m drowning in self doubt and can’t help but think it’s cas of looks or he hated my personality. Although, I’m the same person but I don’t know. I just can’t understand how someone can go from being sooo close and attached to you to just no contact and so dry. I went crazy and deleted my Instagram so I don’t have to see the posts he had tagged me in and all the mushy stuff etc. he hasn’t been in a relationship with a girl who doesn’t smoke weed or drink or goes clubbing. He has not been in a relationship where he said he felt like he wanted to marry the person except for one girl who he was friends
With for a long time but turns out she was cheating on him and even before that he was with her on and off and then completely let go. And he has been with models and girls who have had Timmy tuck and stuff like that. I’m not bad looking. I’m maybe a 7.5 or an 8. He is cute but not the hottest but I have always been insecure and I don’t even care about looks just the chemistry and how much I liked him and how much I cared for him and I felt
Like he did too and I could see myself with him. I feel so ugly and stupid and insecure right now for acting so dumb. Please help
Please. I don’t know what to do. I’m
In his city in a couple
Of weeks. Obvs I don’t wanna reach out to him and be desperate but he already prolly thinks I’m crazy for deleting my Instagram. What didn’t he like about me? We’ve had numerous conversations about this. If he did t like me why didn’t he politely tell me. What do I do? I can’t seem to forget this guy. I know it’s been a week and I’ll be okay in time but I actually really really felt something and it makes me
Sad that he didn’t respect me enough after all
This time
To tel
Me
But instead lied and then went dry and vanished. Should I try to reach out when I’m
In his city ughhhh

Reply March 17, 2015, 10:42 am

Natasha

Rabz, Under no circumstance, will you reach out to him, text him, tweet him, call him or have any sort of contact with him..The thing about men, unfortunately is that they love the chase..And they also like confident women who at least seem not to require their reassurance…You have contacted him enough..Let him get some space, some time to miss your presence..He cannot do it with you constantly reaching out to him..Guys need time to themselves where they can feel like men again..they are not like women who need to close the space, with constant contact..So just let him be…Try not to think about him…I don’t think he was turned off by your looks or personality..But sometimes insecurity can be an attraction killer since the guy feels pressured to reassure the girl over and over again, so it can be a bit draining..so Now you need to step back from your phone, because nothing is going to happen by sitting by and waiting for him to reach out to you…He will come around if he is meant to be with you…Don’t give him anymore importance or time or energy…It is painful when things don’t work out, believe me, I have been there over and over again…But losing sight of ourselves is not going to do anything..Yes he is a jerk for losing touch, he is a big jerk for not telling you, but by reaching out to him you are giving him a negative ego boost…Just let things run their course…And try to open yourself to other guys on that site…I need to take that advice too, though its been difficult to even look at other men’s profiles..but you just have to push through your disappointment..By the time he comes around, you will probably have found someone else who respects you for who you are and is not scared off by a few extra texts…and you probably won’t even want him anymore..so be Kind to yourself, buy yourself a pretty dress, wear some heels, and go out with your friends.You never know, you might meet someone really awesome who will make you forget this guy who you met online..

Reply March 17, 2015, 11:31 pm

Rabz

Thankyiu so much! No I haven’t reached out to him. I feel like crap though. You have no idea. Please help me please. Im so stupid for deleting my Instagram cas that way atlesst he could see me everyday and miss mee. I see from my friends account tjah he is already following some other girls. Hotter and prettier and with a better body. It’s making me so sad. I don’t know why he did this to me. I don’t know what to do. The problem with me is tjah I’m not much of clubber or a drinker but I want someone whos not a completely goody two shoes either. Someone with a good heart but ability to understand and tolerate differences and has some street knowledge. So
I reject good guys and then this is how I get treated.

March 18, 2015, 6:49 pm

Anonymous

The narcissist! Me too, I said I wouldn’t take him back, but somehow I get caught up with his charm and hilarious personality only for him to fade out.

Reply April 30, 2015, 7:48 pm

Anonymous

The narcissist! Me too, I said I wouldn’t take him back, but somehow I get caught up with his charm and hilarious personality only for him to fade out.

Reply April 30, 2015, 7:57 pm

michelle

it may not be you – it may be your views, what you talk about and maybe your politics.
guys don’t like to be insulting, so they will just let ‘you be you’ and fade away – to someone else not so demanding or opinionated.

Reply March 30, 2015, 6:29 pm

Richard

Spot on

Reply April 13, 2015, 9:41 pm

chloe

I have been speaking to a younger guy I met online from.a different.city who seemed really nice he as been calling me..most night messaging me everyday told.me.im the girl he as rebooking for ect and we have been planning to meet.up then I started noticing he was speaking to other girls and taking.longer than usual to reply I guess he was doing the fade out thing so I dissent message him today at all I usually message him everyday then I got home from work went to message him on Facebook and he has blocked me wtf.i don’t know what I’ve done but there’s a pattern emerging it has happened a few times before it’s really starting to annoy me.and im so hurt I speak to his friend who says I should give him space and hold out but I don’t know weather I should just walk away I don’t want to look pathetic ? Help ?? X

Reply March 9, 2015, 9:34 pm

Martha

So I met a guy online and he was from my country but both have lived here since we were kids. Things started off great and moved quickly. i met all his family and they really liked me. He was already saying he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend once he knew his family liked me. Then we spent the night together after about a month. then he got a little busy and one day he was suppose to see me after work but he said he fell asleep and I noticed him being a little distant. So I was passive aggressive in the way I acted and he said I was mean to him so he ignored me the next day but eventually texted saying I love you. we dated a few more weeks then he said he had to go on a deployment and he came to see me when he got back. So that night the last thing he said to me was a text message saying he missed me and to send him a picture. When I sent him the picture he said I was so beautiful and ever since then he won’t return my texts of my calls. It’s been almost 2 weeks now. When I reactivated my profile on the dating site I saw that he was back on. I’m just left feeling so confused. He talked about having kids and getting married. Also how things were so amazing between us. It’s just not a good feeling.

Reply March 5, 2015, 3:05 pm

Natasha

Oh I hear you, it sucks especially when you have been intimate with them…Thankfully, mine never got that far…I strongly believe though, that in your case, he just needs time to re-evaluate things..Guys tend to behave that way when things become too intense and they are actually developing feelings and it scares them off a little…Too bad they don’t consider all this when they are courting you, and more so before getting physical with you..He probably does like you, but does not know how to deal with it..and then there is the whole stupid “Thrill of the chase” phenomenon which really pisses me off..Just continue being the awesome person that you are, and don’t acknowledge him, nor text him, nor reply to his texts for a while…he needs to understand how its going to be without you in his life…He will come around, but make sure he works for it this time, if he is sincere…Hopefully by then, you won’t care anymore.

Reply March 5, 2015, 3:46 pm

Martha

Thanks Natasha for the response! I did text him a couple of times after trying to get him to respond, which I realize now probably pushed him more away. I did stop and never called him though. Then recently he deleted his Facebook page which I think is so weird cause I never contact him on there since we both don’t use it that much. It’s been almost 3 weeks now =(. Im still so confused and hurt. I keep thinking about what happened. But the only thing to do now is to move on. Men suck!

Reply March 12, 2015, 5:07 pm

Natasha

I know right? It’s the self doubt, the agonizing wondering of what we did to push them away which keeps us waiting…We keep hoping in a small part of our hearts that they will reach out to us, that they are just sorting things out and somehow when they do that, we will be validated…It’s scary how such flaky, dishonest, cowardly behavior can reduce confident women like us to nervous wrecks…Just let him go..It will hurt and you will miss him…But don’t give in to the impulse to contact him anymore for it…For the sake of your own sanity and dignity…In my case, he contacted me on Monday (after my final text) acting all normal “How have you been Sweetheart? Had a good weekend?” (Can you believe this asshole?) unaware (or perhaps aware) of the agony I went through the whole weekend..I acted normal of course and was my usual pleasant self pretending that everything was cool. I am actually flabbergasted at how they can act like everything is so normal when both of us know that he is screwing up bad…We chatted for a while and I let the conversation trail off and did not pursue it anymore and he went back to his quiet, disappearing self..No word since then, and I pride myself on not giving in to the urge to check on him however casually…So this is it, I will probably never hear from him, but I think Over the weekend I will be so busy with other stuff that I will be able to get my mind off him…Keep yourself busy…Buy yourself something pretty, get a new haircut..or indulge in some delicious gourmet icecream…Anything which will stop you from doing something stupid like reaching out to him…I keep telling myself and you should do…if/when they are interested they will contact us…and if they don’t they are not worth the importance and energy that we waste on them..Be strong, you deserve so much better :))

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:10 pm

Martha

You said it so well! Ur amazing! =). Thank you for making me stronger. I will be keeping busy so I won’t think about it although it’s very hard lol. I know I do deserve better and so do you!! I feel so stupid sometimes cause deep down I want to hear from him. When I first found out that he was ignoring me I texted him a bunch of stuff and basically called him an asshole. So I doubt I will hear from him again. But I have not contacted him in almost a week. It just hurts cause I really did fall for him and he looked me in my eyes and said how so in love he was. I mean who does that? I know that if he really did love me he wouldn’t ignore me like this. I’ve learned not to overreact next time and have some patience and restrain from looking like I’m the crazy one. maybe one day we will hear from these guys again and by then I hope we have found and are with the good guys we so deserve!

March 14, 2015, 12:07 pm

Jean

Martha I’m going through a similar thing too right now. The guy I’ve been seeing told me he could see us being happily married and that he hoped that our kids had my eye colour. He told me that 8 days ago and I haven’t heard from him in a week. You finally think you meet a guy who truly cares about you and wants a future with you and then poof it’s like you don’t even exist anymore. It really hurts.
Did you end up finding any closure?

Reply April 12, 2015, 6:57 pm

Natasha

I just very recently had a guy do the fade out on me…in fact he is still doing it and it hurts like hell…We chat and he is very loving and then disappears on me for 3 to 4 days. It hurts like hell and i do not know what to do. The off days,( especially the weekends where there is no contact at all anymore), are depressing as hell and the days we are in contact are heavenly, So today was an on day. but I was feeling so emotionally exhausted, and tired I decided to call him out on it..humorously of course since confrontation is not my strongest point.

So here’s how it went on Whatsapp;

Me: So met anyone interesting lately 😉
Him: Naah..How can I with you on my mind?
Me; Yeah sure Mr Fadeout.
Him (10 minutes of silence while he is online): lol What?
Me: Mr Fade out..Its been quite a while since we spoke actually… the next time I hear from you is going to be…next wednesday??..lol.
Him:…

Complete whatsapp silence for almost 15 minutes, no explanation, no denial…just silence…Then I (for some retarded reason) started feeling bad for him like I had exposed him or something…and changed the topic to something else to which he responded normally…It was a little pathetic actually…If I didn’t like him as much as I do I would think it was hilarious…

I think its only a matter of time though, before he disappears completely..I would not be surprised if this was the last time we spoke, since he knows I’m on to him now and he does not have to pretend anymore..I feel like a lamb to the slaughter..I hope I can muster up the strength to let him go completely when that happens and not go all psycho on him and blow up his phone (I have refrained from doing it so far but I dont know about the future, I feel crazy enough to do it)…God help me..Men are such jerks :(

Reply March 4, 2015, 9:42 pm

Martha

My cousin has the same issue. She’s been with him for 6 months and he says he doesn’t want a commitment but he will act like her boyfriend when he’s with her and then disappears for a few days. I think they need to feel like they are in control and not have to answer to anyone cause then they are ” in a relationship”. So annoying. She really likes him so it’s hard to leave. It’s hard to let go but we all really do deserve better!

Reply March 12, 2015, 5:12 pm

Natasha

Looks like I am headed in the same direction as your cousin..Damn, This guy finally contacted me first on Monday, then on Friday after the final text I sent him, I did not contact him at all last week, I was checking to see if he would initiate contact without me texting him…I guess he needed some sort of ego stroke and was worried that he would lose me as an option. which was why he suddenly felt the need to reach out..In fact he sought me out twice that day which broke down all my screwed up defenses…and I gave in and texted him on Sunday casually ofcourse but still *Bangingmyheadagainstthewall* Why??, It was going so well and I had to spoil it all by texting him on Sunday…anyway he answered quickly perhaps because he was already online and the conversation went fine, flirty, like everything was going fine and infact it got a little inappropriate…I think he was checking to see if he could get a sex chat out of me but I am not sure, I smartly sidestepped the situation while still being friendly since I don’t want to set some sort of precedent for any possible relationship we might have in the future, ..jeez…Men…I think he is feeling me out, checking if I will be open to some possible FWB situation in the future. if nothing else, something that will NEVER happen…I think I need to take a stand and tell him to either stop flirting with me and assuming that I am interested in being his fall back girl or stop contacting him altogether..I don’t mind if he wants a platonic friendship, but don’t disrespect me by putting me somewhere in between a friend and a girlfriend. I am not FWB material….Anyway, nothing is lost yet..the reality of the situation is that I have not slept with him yet…so that’s how its going to be…but I need to figure out whether I want or need to be staying in touch with him at all, I dont know if I should just cut him off permanently but I don’t know if I am acting too hastily, though with his wishy washy behavior he has already signalled that I am not a priority..Why oh why are men so complicated and why am I still feeding on the crumbs of this ambiguous situation??? FML,,The only reason I have tolerated this so far was because I really liked him as a person before getting attracted to him as a man..so I am looking for that person who I started liking before things got all weird and before he started acting wishy washy. My life is a mess..:<(

Reply March 16, 2015, 7:48 pm

angie

Im 24, and i bumped into this guy who is 2 years younger from my high school last November. We never spoke in school I used to know his brother that’s about it. A day later i found him on tinder and realized he had swiped right on me too, and we both laughed about it and decided to meet up. He was here on holiday for 3 months and would fly back to Melbourne which is oceans apart. I had just got out of a serious relationship and didnt want anything serious. On December he invited me to a party and then he asked me out, as much as i was scared to start a relationship knowing he would go away soon i still said yes. We kept it discreet as it would be the talk of the town in my small city if people found out and it was only our close friends who knew. It was supposed to be a fling when our feelings grew every time we met and i spent so much on him and chose him over work many times. things were going ok until this month when he slowly started withdrawing, he started making promises he wouldnt keep one being spending valentines with me which dint happen. He chose family over me which i totally understood cos he was leaving soon. After he left to melbourne on 20th it broke me, where as hed just say he misses his family and home (His family stays here) and now hes totally cut me off doesnt respond to me i see him online all the time, I feel used and hurt cos we promised each other vl be there for each other during this phase of separation. I knew he’d eventually cut me off…but talking for just one day after reaching there hurts so much. I feel so depressed and so angry with myself for loving him back i feel like i deserved more. He’s just 21 (going to turn 22 this year) so all i say myself is he’s not mature enough or have the courtesy to let go in a nicer way. Im probably never going to have a fling again or a relationship with a guy who just came on holiday :(

Reply February 24, 2015, 2:52 am

AnNieH

I met this guy 5years ago. We were close friends until we kissed at a party for the first time 2years ago and I really freaked out. He was the last person I thought would kiss me or like me or whatvr so I never talked about it because I was afraid it screw our friendship. Since that day, we started having “something else” (but never talked about it) and we ended up hooking at every single party and social event (we even went together to a wedding and a friend’s prom). But we were still “friends”. 6months ago we started “officially dating”. We spent the whole week together; movies, dinner, shopping, museums, gym…we even had classes together and he would always take me home after that. It was a very healthy relationship because we were “friends who liked each other and dated”. The last day of school (on december) we went to the mall and we ended up hooking in the car (I know, ridiculous ha). Don’t get me wrong but It was very special because we also had a very deep and emotional talk. We even talked for the first time about those times we hooked at parties. We said it always meant something special and how we liked each other. He told me he wanted to have sex with me but I didn’t know what to answer because I freaked out. I told him I also wanted to be with him but I didn’ feel ready in that moment. He told me it was ok, he kissed me and told me that I had to tell him everytime I felt unconfortable with him….and that was the last time I saw him. We went on winter break and he graduated from college. During break we talked and texted every single day but we never get to see each other in a month. I thought it was not that bad because we both were on holidays with our families, but In January I started my last semester at college and it was very hard because he was not there anymore…and he also stopped texting me and he was out of my sight. He texted me two weeks ago and told me he like ld my fb profile pic and that I was the best dancer he knew (i dance jazz contempo). I anwered that that that was sweet and that i missed him. He never answered back. WTF with him?? This guy is 7 years older than me (he was studying his 2nd career). Why did he change all of a sudden? Was it because I didn’t have sex with him? Or because I’m younger or because he’s stressed about money and job (he’s not doing well right now). I’m really confused. We used to be really close friends and when we tried something more (HE startes it) he dissappears. Sorry for the long comment. I really need advice. Im confused. Should I text him?

Reply February 9, 2015, 1:07 pm

Khadija

AnNieH,
I think you made a wise choice by not sleeping with this guy. Good for you! There was never really a boyfriend/ girlfriend type relationship from what I read. I think he did want sex and since he didn’t get some he decided to go ghost on you. While he may be older that does not bring wisdom. I see that men take a long time to mature. I say leave it be and stay focused on you. Since he’s not doing well this probably is not a good time for him to be focused on a relationship. Best of luck to you.

Reply February 17, 2015, 12:57 pm

AnNieH

omg thanks for replying :) Ugh it’s really sad to think that he just wants sex because in all this years he never tried anything like that (or at least I didn’t felt it that way..i don’t know). He called me a couple of days after I posted this haha (kinda drunk) and told me he really missed me and loved me but I was just like “I’m sleeping, we talk later” (obviously It didn’t happen). Now, a couple of days ago he started texting me again and we had a long casual talk. until he started saying “i love you, I miss you,,,” again, but I wasn’t taking him seriously (I was like “is that so?” and blabla). I don’t know if I should give him a chance or unfriend him. …Oh god, maybe you’re right and he just wants sex O_____O (did you read we were close friends since we met 5 years ago? how can I deal with that?). LOL I’m really naive with this issues…

Reply February 23, 2015, 2:32 am

Naomi

It pains me how many people have been through something like this. Three years ago I met someone while I was abroad. He was so nice to me, always looking out for my safety, appeared honest and genuinely caring… but we never really had anything exclusive, although I visited him and met his family in France and he came to visit me for a few weeks the last time in Canada. We were basically in an unofficial long distance relationship and I had told him that I loved him. We decided that I would go back to France for almost a month to visit him over my school break. He also said he would pay half of the plane ticket since it was so we could see each other. I booked the ticket with my card and he told me he would transfer me his half of the money. Long story short, I never received his half and a few months after booking the ticket he stopped responding to my messages. I never heard from him again and I never went to France because I had no place to stay at the last minute…so I basically lost a thousand dollars on a non-refundable plane ticket. I later saw on his Facebook that he went on a trip to Canada at the same time that I was supposed to have been with him in France. I still don’t know why it happened. I wish I had closure. It has been a struggle everyday to not think about it and wonder why or how he could do such a horrible thing without saying anything.

Reply February 7, 2015, 11:25 pm

Amy

Oh my God I went through literally the same thing! Except it was a 50 dollar bus ticket luckily for me. Basically the night I was supposed to leave he told me via text that he suddenly “couldn’t handle the commitment” then blocked me off of every social media outlet, including Facebook – and we weren’t even friends!

Reply February 15, 2015, 11:18 pm

Vera

OMG I have almost the same story. I met a guy on my holiday abroad and although it was supposed to be just a little fun we fell in love. After I came back to Europe he kept telling me how he loved me and also about some future plans, kids… I also told him I love him and i meant it.. he suggested i should visit him so we will not stay long apart and that he will pay me half of the ticket which was about 1000 dollars as well. after few months, that i spent whole weekdays texting and weekends on skype, i found very cheap flight tickets so i suggested the visit. i didn’t ask for a cent to repay. his answer was suddenly emotionless and official and he told me he will not be at home that time. and that was it. he basically stopped texting and calling. no plans, no more i love you. i was so confused and brokenhearted but also offended. for the next few months he wrote me from time to time and i kept hoping that he must still fell for me but i only felt worse, uncertain, guilty for i don’t know what and wasn’t able to move on. he probably only needed someone to boost his ego coz he knew about my feelings. gosh i never was so broken, i really loved him. at the end i decided that the best thing would be to cut him off completely from any media coz you can not live your life bound to someone who does not really want to be with you. i believe in this simple rule: if a man wants a woman, he would find a way how to be with her. cannot imagine how terrible you must have felt buying that ticket and him not replying to you. some people can be so mean and cruel. they don’t consider consequences of their behavior. and after they cause all the wrong they don’t care at all about the other person’s feelings. i wish this made me stronger but in fact it still hurts.. hope something better is waiting out there.

Reply March 13, 2015, 4:57 pm

Elle

i feel so sorry about your story, the same situation about to happen with me but I’m lucky that he broke communication first.
In my case i met him online we had such a great conversation, he was amazing and we felt good with each other he sent me songs every night and wrote long email to me which is no one do this to me before. We shared thoughts and have things in common. He wanted to flew to meet me (different country) and he made plan himself and I loved that plan and then he disappeared… I thought he sick or anything i email him to asked if he was okay but he answered me ‘hi, beautiful i had big test today, miss you so much, I will tell you about it when I get home’ I think he never gets home :(
I lived with parents so I about to spend my money on renting some place to be with him when he comes, i researched about hotel near the airport which was he asked me for and trip planning blah blah I don’t mine to spend money with him because he have to pay a lot to get here to meet me I never expected him to pay all, that’s what I think, look what i get back, nothing, he never answer my email.

I have to thank you, you are so brave to share this kind of situation. I can’t imagine if I were you. i know it was a lot of money that you spend on ticket. Im sorry to replay this late you might forget about it but now I just remind you to it again.
I just want to say, good luck Naomi you are nice person and you will meet someone better eventually:)

Reply March 25, 2015, 10:41 am

Amy

Wow! I am so glad I have found you. I have started dating again and these are the exact things I have been dealing with. Of course I feel like it’s all me and that I have done something wrong. I dated this guy a few times and I thought we had hit it off then he just disappears. I have blocked him from all social media just so I don’t check up on him. I feel so much better after reading what you have said. I am taking this as a learning experience so that when the right does come along I will be confidant and not full of stress and worry.

Reply February 7, 2015, 10:37 pm

Gracie

Hello, I’ve been dealing with the remorse of my recent actions in my relationship. I’ve been with my man (on and off) for over a year. Recently he started talking about marriage, moving in together, etc. We went out on a Friday night and I unintentionally drank to much alcohol and said some horrible things to him in public. I came off like a drunk bitch in front of his acquaintances. He slowly backed off after that and then eventually disappeared. He hasn’t contacted me nor responded to me texts since then. I feel so horrible for losing my composure and class. Its as if he either I don’t exist to him. I feel within a weeks time he has already met and slept with someone else. My gut feeling just tells me. How do I shake this feeling of guilt and incompetence? I feel the reason he disappeared was because of my actions.

Reply February 7, 2015, 11:28 am

Khadija

Gracie,
I think it’s really awful that this guy has not responded to your messages. If, he decided that your night of drunkeness was too much for him he could have the courtesy to just say so. In the future when you are out with a man, please be mindful of how much you are drinking. In no way is that meant to blame you , it’s just a way to avoid such a situation happening again. Try not to replay that night in your mind and move on. What’s done is done and now you need to live in the present. I hope something I’ve said helps you out.

Reply February 17, 2015, 1:04 pm

Ruby

Just curious what do you think of a situation where two people who met each other at a party “friend” each other on a social network where she texts like she talks but also engages him about himself/his day and he always sends back just “stickers” or 1 phrase. Never much input from him. He still initiates contact though. Is he sizing her up or tethering her? Maybe he’s not as good/quick/patient at texting as much. If he dislikes her chatty/effervescent demeanor and finds it annoying I guess he wouldn’t still be contacting her anymore. Not unless it’s because he likes the benefit of having somewhere convenient to crash out? It’s been 3 months, 24/7. They hang out together every now and then but it’s strictly friends, platonic, not a date, but with sleep overs – separate rooms. (He lives a couple of hours away and works nights and weekends.) But what’s up with the charades with the stickers – could he really not have that much to say? Or maybe not to her in particular because he doesn’t want to lead her on? Or maybe her timing is off and he’s pre-occupied for a full exchange. In person, conversation is normal and usually light. They share a number of similar interests, and like the same things and seem to enjoy each others company. So what’s with the stickers?

Reply January 26, 2015, 11:16 pm

Khadija

About two months ago I met a young guy from an online dating site. At first I was hesitant to message him back but, I thought what the heck. Boy, do I wish I had not done so.
I ended up messaging him back and we chatted online for a few days. After a few days of that I decided to give him phone number and we began to exchange text mesages. At first like they all do he was chatting me up and sending all kinds of cute little messages throughout the day. I was excited because it had been a while since I acutally liked someone one a little bit. He also started calling and over the phone we talked for hours on end. We finally had our first date after one week of talking and we ended up having a good time.
After the first date I waited until he messaged me again and asked me out. The next date was amazing to say the least. We went to a parade, nice romantic dinner, dessert over candlight the whole nine yards. Although I was trying to keep my cool I was starting to like this guy. Plus we startedd talking about taking things slow because we wanted this to eventally turn into a relationship.
The holidays come and we exchanged gifts and my first fail was sleeping with this asshole because I felt safe with him. By New years eve, I was in bliss and things were still going pretty good.
I noticed the next morning one new years day a distance in his behavior but, I thought nothing of it. I figured he was just tired. Then as the days went on less contact and he was even planning things to do on his own without my company. I figured things have been hot and heavy he just needs his space. I didn’t even question it….that is unitl one day. One night he called me and revealed somethings to me that really made me think twice about everything. He told me he cheated on both his exes and that at this point he does not want a realtionship. I was dumb founded by this change of heart and his cold nature. Needless to say when we got off the phone I spent the night crying. Like a fool the next night we had a date and he continued to say more things that really hurt my feelings. An example is that he still has his profile up, I’m not his girlfriend, and that I needed to lay off on the PDA. Again I was like blown away by the attitude he had. The next day he tries to make things normal and hits me up like nothing happened. I try to keep a levelhead and let it all go.
Where I finally lost it was when this guy told me that he had gone on a blind date with a coworker. I dumped his ass that day…..but the story goes on. I allowed him to sweet talk me back and tried to give him another chance.
After this incident things between us were never the same. I began to feel insecure whenever he took longer than usual to contact me. He also continued to go out and do things without inviting me, and the communication go less and less. One day I finally went to see him and call him on his shit. We again tried to talk things over.
Now to the ghosting the day after that conversation about making thigns work I text him and he responds to my text right away. Later that day I get the bright idea to face time him on my lunchbreak and he doesn’t answer.So silly me I text him to tell him I just called, this asshole reads the text and never replies. By the end of the day I’m furious and crying like a little baby. The very next day I pick myself up and end the realtionship for good via text. He never responded back to that text. Although I really liked this guy my integrity and love for myself always comes first. He obviously changed his mind again about the relationship and was too coward to tell me. Moving on to better.

Reply January 26, 2015, 6:43 pm

Chantelle

Omg, how did I fall so far so fast? I’m sitting here laughing my ass off as to how cray-cray I’ve been acting – I literally did everything the quiz results advise not to do! Omf, I’ve never been this ridiculous or hung over a rack for a guy! My entire dating experience has been to have guys fall over themselves chasing me. Trust me, that’s the way I prefer it. But yes, I was totally duped by this guy. We had a very real and intense, though short-lived affair. Then he told me that it was just getting to much for him, the intense longing of not being able to be with me(long distance) and hated not having control over it. So I pressed him for an answer:do you want to to end it? No answer. Eventually got a response saying that he just can’t deal ‘with the emotional roller coaster’ that this was causing him. And I just couldn’t leave it there! Can u believe it? I so desperately wanted closure, or more, and told him so. Well, it’s time I stop playing myself for a fool for this guy. He’s Just Not That Into Me! So what if we shared the best sex of our lives? Pish, doesn’t matter, He’s Just Not That Into Me. Freaking life affirming! Yes, my loss. But his too! I at least had the balls to call off an infatuation/fling that I wasn’t into anymore. I am Leo, hear me ROAR!

Reply January 14, 2015, 7:06 pm

Jury

The good thing is that you will actually experience “the best sex of your life” when you meet someone who is actually into you. It will be mind-blowing. Promise.

Reply January 15, 2015, 12:13 pm

Val

On-line dating has been an interesting adventure, to say the least! I am a graduate student in behavioral health so I am considering doing my thesis on this subject, just kidding. I am learning the hard way, but I am learning! These guys baffle me with their come on strong fantasies, calling you sweet heart, baby, or beautiful, all based on a picture. I will admit I have been sucked into this BS a few times, but now I know the red flags. The dates are always fun and then they drop off. I analyze everything, and the one thing I say is “I am not his girlfriend and he really doesn’t owe me anything” his loss and I move on! I am no longer going to chase a guy, if he is interested he will chase me. I just really wish they would cool it with their charm before someone who can’t handle it gets hurt. Save the sweet talk for when you are interested in a woman, you’ll be doing your self and a lot of women a favor.

Reply January 13, 2015, 10:32 am

Fate Newlyn

Val
Funny you should say that, because I am doing sociology, and often think how this would make for great research! I am in my 40’s and have been chatting online for a few years, I have met all sorts, and have learnt the hard way too, that this is just not for me anymore. I have been separated for about 2 years, and went online to chat. Most of the guys either wanted someone to have ‘sexy talk’ with or, the ones that seemed genuine told you they loved you within a few weeks, and we know that is not possible!. My emails have been hacked by people I had met online, not to get finance info, but to spy on me and read my chat history, so beware!
I eventually met a guy in the same position as me, he lived on the other side of the world, and we just emailed everyday, getting to know each other. We did fall in love and it was great, we spoke on the phone, emailed, chatted on video, and even met after a year. We got along so well, but 4 months later, after a misunderstanding he asked for a 6 week break.This was the hardest thing I had been through for a long time, wondering. I didn’t hear from him and waited until this week (week 9) to email him and see how he was going and were his head was at. He got back to me and told me that he loved me and always will, but he had reconciled with his wife, and she was now pregnant. He had said it was difficult decision, but after a lot of thought it was over between us. I know that is was not a normal relationship and we would not have been able to think about being together for a few years, as we were both still rearing children, and this is for the best in the long run, but the hurt I feel is overwhelming. The hurt is for the fact that he asked for a break, instead of ending it there and then. I have spent the last few months thinking of ways to change how I act, to not nag him, to be the perfect partner for when the break ended, I was thinking of all the things I had to tell him about during the break, that we had missed out on, and all that time he had no intention of coming back. I know I loved him truly with all my heart, did he love me, as he said he did, and showed me during our 15 months together? I will never know, only he knows that, and he will be the one who has to ponder that. I go over everything that we said to each other over the last 15 months, there doesn’t seem to be any reason to pretend your in love or lie, he could have left anytime if he didn’t have those feelings, I gave him the opportunity when things got hard because of the time difference, but he insisted that we were worth the extra effort needed, and I thought that too. He never asked for anything, it wasn’t sleazy and no online hanky panky,but we shared our thoughts, dreams and love.
I’m done online chatting/dating now, you just can’t really know where someone is coming from honestly, they can be and do as they please,and you can never truly know. It turns you into another person, one that is always suspicious or insecure.
Having said that, it is still so fresh and I can’t think of anything else, the tears keep flowing. I know I won’t contact him again, and I’m sure he won’t contact me, but how do I just erase these painful things from my mind and move on?

Reply January 14, 2015, 7:55 pm

Jules

Your story really affected me! It sounds so similar to mine! Reading all of these heartfelt stories has really made me think! Time to wake up and move on, however hard it is. And yes it will be really painful for us both. Men, they do get us all in a terrible mess!

Reply April 27, 2015, 5:42 pm

Blake

I have been dating a guy for 6 months, we met online, he’s a truck driver. We were friends first for 3 months, nothing romantic just talking on the phone, movies and dinner when he came to town- getting to know each other. We became exclusive in late October as he told me I was his girlfriend. I took a week or so to think about it because I was not sure about the distance thing given he’s consistently on the road. I liked him and really thought he was a great person and we didn’t rush into anything so I gave it chance. We’ve had a few small disagreements that include him responding to my text messages sooner rather than later and I admit I questioned myself a few times on whether I could be with him given he was always gone. Most of the questioning was done with best friend and I never let him know how I felt because I was trying to give it a chance because sometimes good things come to people who are patient and he claimed to be moving to my city within 6 months to take a more permanent job. Fast forward to Christmas- he tells me how much he cares and loves me but within the next week, his calls become less often however he says its his schedule and he’s sleeping while I’m awake and when I’m sleep he’s up driving. I have been patient with him but to me it sounded like an excuse. I noticed over the next week, the same thing happened, calls are less frequent so last Tuesday, I called him and asked what’s going on with him, same thing, his job. I admit I pushed him and was picking when I should have just let it go. I asked him if he still wanted to do this and he got mad about me asking that, said I was asking stupid questions that he would answer later. I tried to call him back because this was really our first disagreement, no cuss words back and forth or belittling but it was the first time he had hung up on me. I have not spoken to him for 6 days so yesterday, I reached out to him but he didn’t answer. Tomorrow will be 7 days that we have not spoke to each other and I am not sure if were still together or not but I just do not feel that a 7 minute conversation should cause a person to not talk to you for this long. I feel like its other things that I cannot control in his life and maybe the distance is too much for him or he could just be being a jerk, I don’t know. Are we broken up?

Reply January 12, 2015, 12:35 pm

Chantelle

Yes hunny, you’re done. I Totally get ur need for closure, for him to just tell it straight, but likely, you’re not gonna get that. He’s just not into you anymore. The good news is, that doesn’t diminish you and what you have to offer some other great guy. One who cares enough to freakin respond!good luck

Reply January 14, 2015, 7:27 pm

BLaw

unfortunately it wasn’t just a 7 minute conversation- you sensed him cooling off and pulling away long before that. you can’t beat yourself up about it, if every relationship worked out there would be no single people on the earth! Time to let go and move on- pursuing someone who’s got their back to you is a depressing prospect; the sooner you let him out of your life the better it will feel. after all YOU are the central character in your life, people will come and go. some will be in your life for minutes, some for decades, but you’ll always have love in your life. on to bigger and better!

Reply January 15, 2015, 12:26 am

Ashley

He told me his mother was in the hospital due to a stroke and that he’s been dealing with his family and couldn’t talk to me for awhile. We had been dating for about 4 mos. and we talked everyday up until now. I sent him a long message consoling him saying how I hope everything is ok but he never replied back. He has been on FB every single day though. I sent him an FB message because, naturally, I am sad for him but he ignored that too yet continues to get on FB all day, everyday. I know that people dealing with family issues can be distant and withdrawn but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok and he’s ignoring me completely. It’s been a week and a half and nothing! I’m almost wondering if it was the truth or if he used it as an excuse to disappear. I don’t think he’s that type of guy and I know that would be a terrible lie to tell someone but I cant help but wonder. Is it ok for me to reach back out to him in a week or so? We had a really intense situation where we were in constant communication for months so him just disappearing is hard for me, but its even harder to know that’s its because of his family or because he’s sad, stressed and dealing with something as hard as a sick parent. What should I do?

Reply January 22, 2015, 9:34 am

Jezzy

No. Do not reach out to him again. You have 1. already sent him a long message which he ignored and 2. another message on Facebook. He is choosing to not respond to you. Have some dignity and do not reach out again. Remember always: if he wants to get in touch with you, he will. Guys who care about you do not blow you off. Seems like maybe this ran its course. But please do not reach out to him again.

Reply January 22, 2015, 10:06 am

Ashley

I think it’s kind of harsh to say that he does not care about me. If his mother really is sick, then that may actually be his priority right now. Although I do think that he could atleast try to respond. I will take your advice and not contact him but not every guy who pulls away is an asshole who doesn’t care about you. My ex fiancé would do this sometimes, mostly when he was stressed.

January 22, 2015, 11:58 am

Shannon

Ashley, you say “not every guy who pulls away is an asshole who doesn’t care about you,” but I find myself scratching my head and thinking….I would *never* leave someone I really cared about who was trying to communicate with me hanging for this long! Tell me honestly…would you? Yes, men and women are different, but some things remain the same. If you deeply cared about someone and wanted to be with him and cared about their feelings being hurt, you would not ignore them. He has to know this is hurting you. And no one, no matter WHAT is going on, is that busy that they can’t take three seconds and send someone a text saying, “Been busy, got your message, don’t worry, I’ll be in touch.” Then you cite a failed relationship as an example of how it’s okay for guys to pull away. Ashley, what you need to do is look at YOURSELF…take a long, hard look…and say “What am I worth?” Apparently, YOU think you’re of so little worth that it’s okay for men to ignore you. That’s a problem. Guys have a sixth sense concerning what they can get away with, and you have a past history of guys who apparently think they can take you or leave you…and you’ll stick around waiting for them to figure it out. This needs to change. Every woman…and man for that matter… deserves to be with someone who values their feeling and treats them like worthy human beings. If you put up with this behavior, it will be yet another blow to your self worth. If this guy contacts you in a couple of weeks? It will be the best, most satisfying feeling in the world if you can somehow find the strength to say, “Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t date men who ignore me for three weeks. Hope you find what you’re looking for because apparently it’s not me.” I said this to a guy who was jerking me around once and it felt SO GOOD. And he wouldn’t stop chasing me after that. His loss. Keep telling yourself that. Some things SHOULD BE, and are, deal breakers. Ignoring someone you’ve been dating for months is one of them.

Reply January 23, 2015, 8:03 pm

Ashley

Well, he did reply and apologized for taking so long to respond and said that he was just trying to make sure his family was ok. Personally, I don’t think my value or worth is dependent upon rather or not someone responds quickly. To be honest with you, I ignore people sometimes too. And it’s not because I don’t care about them. It’s usually because I’m too focused on something else. This isn’t about my self worth and I find it quite offensive when people say that. For the first time in 4 mos he didn’t reply back quickly and it was because his mom was sick. It only took him a week to reply. People deal with stress differently! Maybe I’m hit a bit more understanding them other people are.

Reply January 23, 2015, 8:25 pm

Shannon

“This isn’t about my self worth and I find it quite offensive when people say that.” So, apparently, you get this said to you a lot. Interesting. Maybe you should wonder why? And obviously it IS about your self worth because most women wouldn’t stay with someone who treated them like that and insist that the person cares about them. Nor would they fly off the handle and get offended at people who try to help them. People who, BTW, unlike your boyfriend, can take five minutes out of their lives to ANSWER you, a stranger who means nothing to them.
Ashley, it’s obvious you came on here to vent and you only wanted to hear what you wanted to hear. And you were going to twist and attack the words of anyone that tried to help you. I probably shouldn’t have bothered once I read the extremely defensive, borderline confrontational comment you left another person who tried to help you. Hmm, maybe like you, I’m a bit more understanding and try to give people a second chance too, even when they have demonstrated the undeniable desire to ride a runaway crashing train to the bitter end. Good luck to you, because you’re going to need it. Once the first “vanishing” occurs, others are sure to follow. Apparently your ex-fiancee conditioned you to think this is acceptable behavior in a “loving” relationship.

Reply January 24, 2015, 1:36 pm

Ashley

Shannon, to be honest with you. I do hear it but its usually from other women and NEVER from men. I think a lot of women have this very delusional perception of how much someone else’s world should be revolving around them and it obviously causes many women a lot of problems in their relationships. When you talk to men however, they just don’t see if the same way. Im sure you’ve read numerous books about men being one track minded whereas women tend to be multi-focusers. This isn’t something that someone just made up, its kind of the truth. You are obviously on here too. And I bet you’ve had so many unnecessary problems with your significant other where you wanted all of his attention to be on you 24/7 and it caused arguments and disagreements. I just think that women tend to be too quick to say that a man doesn’t care over something as silly as not calling them every 5 seconds. In this situation, he was dealing with a very sick parent, and as I said before, people deal with grief differently and there is no right or wrong way. He DID tell me that he was dealing with family and may not be available as much as before. And when I was sending him messages, he didn’t reply. That’s what made me a little mad. But no man in the world has never not done something like that, at least once. Its a complete and total overeaction to say. “OMG the man who has been telling me he cares about me and doing all these good things for me all of the sudden doesn’t care about me because he didn’t reply!” That’s just way too dramatic! I only came on here because I wanted to know if I should keep trying or back off; his mom was sick so the circumstances are different. If he didn’t reply and ended contact with no explanation, then I would not date him again! But in this case, he dropped communication because of a family issue, that’s completely understandable! The more and more I get relationship advice from other women the more I realize that the most of you will just cause me more arguments and more problems in my relationship. All this being overly sensitive about every little thing someone does, or this self-centered perception on love where in order for him to truly care about you he has to cater to whatever you want all the time, its clingy and exhausting and no one can live up to that standard for too long, not even any of you ladies! No wonder so many men cheat and leave most of you. Im the person who ended all of my relationships and my boyfriends were caring and thoughtful men but when we out grew each other, I ended them. Also this idea that my ex conditioned me is just bullsh!t. Maybe you ladies date men who don’t have much of a life. My ex was in medical school and I was in grad school and working so neither one of us had that much time on our hands. Also, the guy Im dating is not my boyfriend yet, which is another reason for me not to be all pissy about him not talking to me while he was caring for his sick mother. The funny thing is that he’s already been back in touch and apologized more than once and actually told me that he appreciated that I was patient during this time because he was an emotional wreck and felt like he couldn’t talk to anyone. I mean his mom almost died for god’s sake! So Im supposed to be all like, “NO you need to text me and call me, your behavior is unacceptable and I don’t care if your mom is dying” LOL, no way! God some of you women are too damn self-absorbed and you call that having respect for yourself. No, I call that being inconsiderate!

January 24, 2015, 4:16 pm

Jezzy

Ashley – no matter how you slice it, not responding to you for an entire week was not cool on his part. That’s what Shannon and I were getting at. It sucks. It’s the title of this website. Our experiences do color how we view things. I know for me, going a week without even a response would upset me. Perhaps you don’t feel the same. Have you heard from him since?

Reply January 26, 2015, 9:42 am

JE

If someone disappears, they’re not into you. Move on and meet someone who is.

It’s not rocket science, people.

Reply January 7, 2015, 4:53 pm

Jury

This statement needs to be at the forefront of this article. Because it is SPOT on.

Reply January 8, 2015, 9:51 am

BLaw

that’s exactly the problem. people take it personally and think “if only i can show him what a great person i am!!! then he’ll know!!” BUT the giant problem with that statement is that it assumes you don’t deserve someone who REALLY IS into you! Hanging on when there’s nothing there is being pessimistic about yourself and your future. relationships have to be mutual, and if your partner doesn’t have the time or interest to hold up their end of the bargain, it’s time to carry on with your wonderful life and meet the next one!

Reply January 15, 2015, 12:28 am

Ruby

But BLaw maybe the woman really likes the guy and doesn’t have the motivation to meet someone new – don’t guys sometime need more time to get to know a woman? or are you one of those who believe in live at first sight and only give those women a chance? I do agree if they are your “partner” they should have the time and interest or move on but then you wouldn’t be calling someone like that your “partner.”

Reply January 15, 2015, 6:28 am

BLaw

absolutely guys need time to get to know a girl- my LTRs have been with women i grow increasingly fond of as time goes on.

BUT here’s the thing- it seems some women i meet don’t understand that whereas you can gradually get to like her more, you can also learn to like her LESS over time. in other words some women i have dated became less and less someone i could be with the more i got to know them. This really should not be a mystery… the way a woman conducts herself, her general patterns of thinking and communicating, you can’t learn all that overnight. and sometimes the more you learn the more you like her, but sometimes the more you learn the less you like her. Generally if i am very attracted i have NO IDEA whether i really like someone at the beginning.

Time will push it either way. sometimes it seems for women time ALWAYS makes them more emotionally attached… and i’m sure there are exceptions, but for me and for guys i know time will often help you fall out of interest with someone… for a whole host of reasons.

Reply January 15, 2015, 1:55 pm

Ruby

Thanks BLaw. Just curious – what could some of the reasons be that make you fall out of interest with someone? I do not come off as needy or pushy and know to show my appreciation and be genuine. I meet guys who seem “attracted” and things seem to go fast – like we click. But then after 3-4-6 months of hanging out, sometimes dating, sometimes sex when it goes that far- and when there is, it’s awesome, I later get friend-zoned. And there is no other woman that I know of. I just get the line they think I “deserve someone better, better looking, more money, more time, more brains.” They tell me I am “such an awesome catch but they can’t give me what I deserve.” But I have no expectations and they know this. Is this a line, where they were just curious, or could I actually be intimidating them without realizing it? I am very independent. I’m curious, do guys back off if they feel they are falling too hard for someone? I think my guys were just emotionally unavailable and didn’t expect what they were getting with me. Another issue could be I am older than they think. They think I am at least 10 years younger because I don’t look my age. They are in their 40’s and I am in my 50’s. They give histories of being badly burned. But they can see I’ve no baggage and am just interested in companionship, conversation, and integrity, not necessarily anything heavy, no games. I go with the flow at my age but desire exclusivity. Maybe that’s my problem. Last year I dated 4 guys. 3 turned intimate. 1 was an on-again/ off again of 5 years who had an alcohol addiction, the other a player/a FB, the other was complicated and led nowhere because he was still pining over his ex and just wanted a friend, and the 4th was 30 years younger than me but mature for his age. Yes, I’m serious. I guess it was just infatuation and then it wore off. I was not what they were looking for or perhaps they weren’t even looking and I was just convenient. Why do you say time will “help” you fall out of interest? Interesting choice of words. Thanks.

January 15, 2015, 5:05 pm

Beatrice

Funny how dissapearance happens very often during the xmas time.I had similar situation.Did not hear a word from him for a week and then he responded to me that he wanted a peaceful xmas without a phone.But I was worried that something might have happenend to a person.
So everything changed for me also
If he was such a dick and could not write a word to me i figured this is not a person i could trust. And also I understood that he is definatley not into me.
Another new experience.
Thank you for sharing!

Reply January 7, 2015, 2:54 am

BLaw

unfortunately there’s a lot of men out there who can’t man up. When i’m not feeling it i will communicate it, but not all men do that. “wanted a peaceful christmas” is like a girl saying she lost her phone all weekend… unless you’re in a hole in the ground with no internet there are always ways to get in touch.

Reply January 15, 2015, 12:31 am

TLC

Man, what is going on with guys? Is it the holidays or what? I too want closure, what does it matter if we seek it, if a guy doesn’t want to see us anymore, I don’t think it really matters what he thinks of us…

Reply January 3, 2015, 3:32 pm

Rayne

I couldnt be happier that i came across this forum. Im in a similar situation. Ive been trying to understand what happened. I met this guy at my job 6 months ago. We instantly were drawn to each other, almost like we were old souls. We worked in different departments but couldn’t seem to stay away from each other, we would use our lunch breaks to meet up to talk and just embrace each other. About 2 months ago he change jobs so we started seeing each other on our off days. We would talk daily, whether via instagram, phone calls or text. Things were great even talking about moving in together after i return from a 2weeks vacation just this month. While on vacation we communicated non stop, he was constantly telling me how he couldn’t wait for me to be back in his arms and us living out our love together each and everyday. I return from vacation only to have him block me on instagram. I sent him a message asking why am i blocked i got not reply. I refuse to call or text him again, but i cant help but to feel extreme sadness and confusion. I want closure, i would think i at least deserve an explanation.

Reply December 31, 2014, 8:09 pm

Chantelle

Do you deserve an explanation? Absolutely, you do! What you need to ask yourself is: are you willing to continue following him around like a wounded puppy, looking for an answer he’s too chicken (or too bothered) to give?
He’s just not that into you hunny. If he was, he’ d stick it out to the end.

Reply January 14, 2015, 7:34 pm

wendy

Hi, just need some advice. Been dating a guy for 6 months. Both said we loved each other and things were good. We have broken up a couple of times, but always made up. Recently lost my car due to an accident and he was even letting me borrow his and was my main source of transportation. Had an argument a week before Christmas and I said I was done. He called and text begging me to see him saying he missed me. Eventually I gave in. Things were great, he took me to work and pucked me up Sunday. Hugged and kissed me goodbye, and told me he’d be bringing me the truck the next morning so I could use it for work the next week. He never showed, knowing I needed the truck, ignored my text and calls, and just disappeared. I know he’s OK cuz I saw his truck at his work site yesterday morning and at his house last night. Nothing from him for two days now and he left me with no transportation to work knowing I really had no one else to help me. We’ve met each others kids and friends. I’m so confused and hurt right now and have no clue what the hell happened. Even when we were mad at each other in the past, he never left me in a bad situation. But to just disappear out of the blue and leave me no way to work. Just in shock right now.

Reply December 31, 2014, 9:45 am

Jezzy

Maybe he’s tired of breaking up all the time and the arguments. Six months in and off/on and breaking up a lot does not sound healthy/loving. If he blew you off and you haven’t heard from him, consider it done.

Reply January 7, 2015, 9:35 am

Nic

I’ve been played hot and cold before and I’ve been deceived by ex boyfriends in the past but I’m in a situation at the moment that I really cannot get my head around. I’ve been seeing a lovely boy for about a month, nothing too serious or official but we get along really well and are comfortable in each others company.

The last time I saw him was a week ago- Tuesday 23rd, just before we both went home for Christmas. It wasn’t our best date and we did have an awkward conversation at one point about not having very much in common but we still spent the night together and parted on happy terms in the morning.
Since then I have heard nothing from him whatsoever. No call, no text, no snapchat, nothing. We were meant to be spending the day together yesterday (Monday 29th) when I came back from my parents so I called his mobile on Saturday and Sunday night to discuss plans. His phone went straight to voicemail, I texted him, no reply.My housemate then called his phone and it went straight to voicemail aswell…

Part of me believes that it is just my bad luck again, he’s changed his mind, and doesn’t want to talk to me, sad but move on. But then I can’t help but think if the call keeps going straight to voicemail (not even one ring)- maybe his phone is just broken/ switched off/ been stolen and he hasn’t got it fixed yet?
Maybe something has actually happened to him? But then if his phone is actually broken, wouldn’t he come round to my house to see me and explain? Should I just take the hint? …
I like to think I have developed thicker skin over the years but something keeps nagging me – this is so out of character? Am I being naive?

Reply December 30, 2014, 6:42 pm

Jennifer

I was seeing an amazing man for about 6 months. We last spoke this past Tuesday, had plans to see each other on Wednesday, Christmas Eve. He never showed. I haven’t heard from him since. He won’t answer my calls or respond to my texts. I have no idea why! I am so hurt and confused. We didn’t have a fight, nothing! Up until this point we had a great relationship! We had been talking about moving in together in the near future, he had told me that he wanted to get married this summer and we were starting to talk about that! I have absolutely NO idea what happened or why! I can’t get him out of my mind. He is 41 and I am 43, so it isn’t as if we are young and inexperienced. I would simply like a conversation with him to have some insight as to what happened and to have some closure!

Reply December 28, 2014, 8:54 pm

simone

I was dating a guy for almost 2 years. On Sunday he was in a bad space and we were talking he told me he had to call me back because his ex wife is calling on the other line. about an hour went by and I call him he did not pick up at emailed him he didn’t respond so what then I went to Facebook to message him at that point I realized that he had unfriended me. when he did call, asked him what was going on? He said talking about the children etc. I said it took you an hour to talk to your ex. 5 minutes passed then I said to him so you’re not going tp mention the fact that you unfriended me without even let me know? He said yeah because she noticed that you are my page and it upset her. I said but you didn’t even let me know so far one that’s disrespectful to me because you’re just unfriend me without even saying anything. I said it appears you are still available to her. He said its not what I think. I told him that I have feelings too and I feel very hurt I also felt that I was not a priority in that no matter what as long as she is going to have something against what he does and if he responds that way we could never have a healthy relationship because she will always control what he does. he said no its not like that. how about you go figure out what it is that you want because clearly it’s not me. On Monday yesterday he emailed me I didn’t respond he call me at work I didn’t respond, called a second time I picked up. He said on to give him about a week to get his stuff together and that he will call me and let me what’s going on I told him. I said this real convenient that right around Christmas you need a week and then after New Years. don’t call me because it looks to me like you’re playing a game you said no its not what you think I just need to get all my thoughts together I said what if that’s the case then what happens in a week he said within a week, he would have a plan laid out for me of what I’m going to do. Honestly I am hurt, I can’t stop crying, I can’t eat, sleep, and have turned off my socialmedia accounts.
And I do not know how to get through this..

Reply December 23, 2014, 8:43 pm

Moon

Sorry to hear this happened to you. From an objective point of view, it sounds like he still has unresolved feelings/dealing with his ex-wife. The non-responses and blatant unfriending of you then asking for time = he’s being a coward to you. I would not answer him at all when he tries to come back with his tail between his legs. You are his back-up. Did you get involved wit him while they were married or recently separated? If that’s the case, he probably never got over her/the end of their marriage. Two years is a long time. I wouldn’t deal with him again if I were you. Like Oprah says, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” My bet is that this isn’t the first time he’s been flighty towards you. Move on and do not respond to you when he reaches out again (which he inevitably will). He has treated you very poorly.

Reply December 24, 2014, 7:53 am

simone

Thanks Moon. Yes. I agree. And he did try calling and emailing me saying he needed a friend . yes. It has happened before. He would make it seem like life was stressing him out. I ignored the red flags. I did not answer nor respond last night when he tried contacting me. I now know based on his actions and looking back, he is emotionally unavailable. Honestly I’m still hurt either way. And yes they were recently divorced, but separated for almost 2 years. So not together for about 3 years when we started dating.

Reply December 24, 2014, 1:35 pm

Chantelle

He’s such a shit! I’m sorry you’re hurting, but realise that he’s just not that into you to take care of you’re emotions and perspective. Kick that ass to the curb, hun. He’s just not that into you

Reply January 14, 2015, 7:43 pm

Tina

Talking to said guy for 2 years. Finally met had a good time. Texted for weeks after and I know he is busy and we live a while from each other. Told him I liked him and want to know him more. Won’t text me back. Trying very hard not to text him and tell him off and guess it didn’t work out glad we met. Blah blah. .. Hard to not know what he thinks and I guess it’s not much for me cause no response is an answer within itself. Definitely feeling like an idiot. Not the end of the world but rejection hurts.

Reply December 21, 2014, 6:58 pm

Angelbaby

Why did you “talk” to him for 2 yrs without meeting him?

Reply December 22, 2014, 9:02 am

Tina

I was just separated and coming from a hard marriage. He lived father away. I wasn’t sure that we would ever meet at some point.

Reply December 22, 2014, 2:37 pm

Fate Newlyn

Tina, I know exactly are you feel (as I have discussed in a previous post. It was so real for me, and I thought it was real for him too. Like me, he was anxious if he didn’t hear from me for a day, our lives didn’t feel complete without that contact, and our meeting went so well after a year of talking, I was really in love with him, and he was too (I think!…he was the one who fell first) It is now 2 months since he asked for a break and not a word, its like he has deleted me from his life. I still have not contacted him, but I am on the verge. As I have mentioned before, after he sent the email asking for a break, I waited ovr week to reply. I didn’t beg, bt offered him space and hoped we would find our way back to each other. In my heart, I am thinking that just maybe he didn’t get this email, and that he blocked me for ignoring him. Of course this maybe just wishful thinking, and he is not contacting me because he is just not into me anymore, but I would like to reach out one more time before he forgets me, wish him a happy new year, let him know that I waited to hear from him after the 4-6 week break (at least he said!), and not heard from him, and leave it at that. What do you guys think? Can I reach ou one more time? Of course he my have blocked me or not reply, but I feel I need to do this for my own peace of mind. There was no fight or nasty words exchanged between us prior to this break.

Reply January 5, 2015, 6:18 pm

BLaw

Talking online or over text can create the illusion of chemistry, but it’s not real until you meet; you may feel like you know someone but in fact you no virtually nothing about them until you get a feel for what it’s like to be around them. Penpals can definitely be fun! alas romantic penpals is a horrible idea until AFTER you have met.

Reply December 22, 2014, 2:05 pm

Tina

Yes the whole thing “felt” real. I guess I needed that at that time. Kind of held on to that it was special.

Reply December 22, 2014, 2:40 pm

BLaw

I’m sure it felt real for him too, but if you let yourself make assumptions about it in real life (before meeting) you set yourself up to get hurt :(

Loving friendships can happen anywhere, but for actual romance you need that 3rd dimension. It sounds like it was a supportive situation for a while at least and maybe that’s just what you needed!

Reply December 22, 2014, 3:27 pm

TLC

Hi BLAW,
Since you are the only guy posting to this article, I have a question for you; are we wrong for wanting “closure” even after dating for a short time? Is it okay for us to “say goodbye”? I don’t think it makes us look weak, besides what does the guy care?
Would love your feedback!

January 3, 2015, 3:26 pm

Rachel

I haven’t been able to find someone with the same situation as me but I know exactly how this feels. When I was a teenager, I was a part of a forum and met a lot of other teenagers there over so many years and one guy in particular I grew really close to. I’ve known him now for 7 years and pretty much the whole time we have spoken every day. We’ve argued in the past about various things but he has been part of life for so long that we just felt like a couple even though we weren’t. He lives in a different country to me and we’ve skyped and talked on the phone for hours but always remained friends even though we both knew we had feelings for each other. The distance obviously stopped anything developing but now he’s completely disappeared out of my life and I can’t adjust to it. It started when he lost his phone so he had to email me and the messages grew shorter and became more sparse so it ended up that I was making the effort to carry on conversations. Eventually we had a bit of an argument about it and he was claiming I didn’t care about him and he thought I was serious about him, which was stupid as he was hardly making any effort with me any more and suddenly he stopped replying to me. I sent him a long message basically saying that I feel being accused of not caring is unfair when he is distant from me and told him what exactly I was feeling and he didn’t reply at all. I sent it weeks ago and still nothing. I have no idea what I’ve done. To go from 7 years of being in each other’s lives in some way to nothing so abruptly is so hard and I really want to contact him again but I do not want to lose my dignity. I’m at a loss and it’s horrible.

Reply December 18, 2014, 6:24 pm

Fate

Rachel, although I’m a lot older than you, I completely understand what you are going through. The loss of that daily contact is really like a huge hole in your life. That contact was what made me smile everyday, gave me something to look forward to. I have many other things in my life, career, study, friends, but the love and friendship from my ‘friend’ was what made me happiest. Having him gone, and not knowing whether he will return is one of the most painful things I have endured in a long time. I too am determined not to lose my dignity and be the first to contact, I want him to miss me and want me like he once did, I’m not going to beg, but the thought of him never reaching out again, fills me with dread, and I need to know if this is just a break, as he said it was, or if it is completely broken. We shall wait together, ok?

Reply December 18, 2014, 7:56 pm

Ruby

All I see anymore are complaints and frustrations related to texting. I have made a promise to myself from this day on to stay away from men who text. They’re cowards. They come on strong, test you out, let you go on and reveal yourself, sometimes they reveal themselves. They bait you and bait you. I enjoyed the best of texting with a BF where his thoughtful texts brought smiles to my face and the worst where we’ve ended what we had through texting because it was so conveniently instant. (My lead because he cheated.) I had the Midnight FB text too and that worked for a while but I didn’t want to be involved with an insecure fool who needed multiple partners. I’ve hooked up with what I thought was a sweet, considerate young man by getting to know him though texting. And now I have someone constantly “poking” me on Facebook and sending me stickers who I consider a new friend, maybe more. He’s a middle aged man and I’m almost 60. Sometime I text like I talk but that’s me holding a dialogue. I figured if they weren’t interested they’d back off. But I won’t be tethered either. This texting scene is absolutely ridiculous. My communication outside of texting is great with them. But texting is poison. I’m tired of making excuses that they were too busy to say hi, or reply. Why can’t men just be consistent. This texting game is just that — a game so they can play with us. Quit texting. I’m not the needy type. I give my men plenty of space. I always show genuine appreciation. And realize this also I am not looking for an instant relationship either. But not replying back means you’re history. I’ve better things to do than wait around or get hung up waiting for texts. If I’m not worth a reply text, you’re not worth my time. They’ll get the message eventually. I am not going to compete for text attention. What would men do if women just suddenly stopped texting? If he’s gone, he wasn’t worth your time anyway. This texting among people just starting out is poison and all I see is an epidemic of hurt women for whatever reasons. It has made relationships more problematic than they need to be. It’s BS. Don’t text them. Have them call you. LOL, the younger guy told me “today people only make phones calls if it’s business or an emergency.” Okay, there you have it, Tethered. Oh my battery just died. I don’t buy that they don’t want to be distracted – let them actually tell you that. It’s okay for them to distract us when they feel like it. Just look around – all you see anymore is texting, texting, texting. What the hell is so damn important that you have to be joined to your phone? It’s an addiction to. Unhealthy.

Reply December 16, 2014, 10:27 pm

Regina

INTEGRITY IS NOT ALWAYS THE COMFORTABLE CHOICE, BUT IT’S THE RIGHT CHOICE. IF A MAN CAN LAY DOWN WITH A WOMAN, HE SHOULD BE MAN ENOUGH TO AT LEAST BREAK UP WITH HER OVER THE PHONE. BE A DAMNED MAN AND TELL THE LADY YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE HER ANYMORE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED OT REAL MEN!?

Reply December 16, 2014, 9:14 pm

Isabel

Hands down I praise you men like down at the end of the day they aren’t real men just a bunch of whims who don’t deserve any kind of women

Reply December 16, 2014, 9:47 pm

Candice

Women should just focus on their careers. All men are bastards who Always cheat and abandon. The women who are actually in exclusive relationships are usually being mistreated by the man in some way anyway. Move forward alone girls and have a stress free life. In modern times, women don’t need men for anything more occasional sex and to pick up the check when you want to go out to dinner. I’ve learned not to invest ANY of my heart, in any man, for any reason, anymore.

Reply December 16, 2014, 9:11 pm

Vicky

You shouldn’t give up hope, there are still some decent men out there, don’t give up, you just had bad luck

Reply December 18, 2014, 10:03 pm

candy

was in a relationsip with a guy for two years, at the time he was financially struglling so he asked for help and i helped him but he didnt know how to stop, kept making promises abt our future so i finally put my foot down and said i cant help u further if u cant do anything for me or commit to this reationship, Well this man caused me to lose my job and so forth we eventually sat down and talked abt it and how we were gonna fix it, and he saying I am gonna fix this I will call u later well this was the last face to face convo this guy because a few days later he changed his number and blocked me on social media and i havent heard from him in two months, I was devasted like what did I do.

Reply December 14, 2014, 12:48 pm

BLaw

All you did here was fail in your attempt to rescue an immature asshole. Relationships HAVE to be two-way streets, and believe it or not there are plenty of men around who are ready to offer real love and support for the same. Unfortunately there’s also a lot of egocentric losers out there too.

Reply December 22, 2014, 3:30 pm

Lori

i dated a guy I met off a dating website for 5 months, definite chemistry and we had a blast together, the same kind of goofy humor, like the same music and enjoyed each others company. I had just come out of a 8 year relationship which was not a happy one and it felt so good to laugh and smile again. There was reciprocation on his part, we spent 3-4 days per week together every week, except when work schedules didnt allow. Then about 2 weeks before the vanishing act he started saying he was feeling really depressed, spending more time alone, but still seeing me atleast twice per week. I knew he had a problem with depression as he had been thru an episode a few months back and came out the other side ok. So I just tried to be there for him and support him thru it. i noticed he stopped having sdex with me and got concerned, but before I could even ask him about that he explained it away with his depression. He still made plans with me. We went out on a friday and I talked to him 2 days later on a Sunday when we made arrangements to see each other the next day. I went to his house and he didnt answer the door, he usually left it unlocked for me when he knew I was coming over and it was locked, i tried calling his phone 2 times incase he had fallen asleep and nothing, so i left sending him a text message that I understood if he needed space and to let me know if there was anything I could do. I never heard another word from him, that was 6 days ago. I found him on the dating website we met on with a new profile picture up stating he was still looking for a relationship. 4 days after this happened I sent him a note on the website saying that I was writing him mostly for myself because I didnt want things to end badly, because he had brought so much happiness to my life after i had been so sad for so long and I would be grateful for that. More than he deserved that’s for sure, but Im a kind hearted person and try not to judge others because I dont know the whole story of what made them the way they are. Bothe f us are in our mid to upper 40’s he had never been married. anyways to be told to come over and then for him to hide in his house was a horrible way to be let down. my heart is broken, even though I know Im better off, that action completely made me feel that I meant absolutely nothing to him at all and I felt used and like a piece of trash to be discarded. I was never mean to him or clingy, only kind and understanding and non judgemental, so it really hurt, especially since it was the first time I let my guard down after having it up for so long. Im having a really hard time getting over this and could really use some support

Reply December 13, 2014, 4:44 pm

Fate

Hi Lori, I don’t think I can offer you much advice, but I certainly know what you are going through. We are both also in our forties (See post below), and both insisted we didn’t want to play games, we fell for each other quickly, and I have to believe that he must have felt something, but now I feel like I have been played at some stage or to some degree. Yesterday marked the end of the 4-6 week break period he initiated, and I have not heard a word from him since the day he asked for it. After we were everything to each other, I too now feel like he has blocked me or changed his profile, he has just disappeared. I too gave him my whole heart, which I had closed for so log after meeting so many jerks on line, he seemed perfect, he emailed everyday, he phoned and told me how much he loved me, but I now believe that he used words to keep me hooked, and failed to follow up with actions and give to the relationship what I did I cannot believe that he would give me that false hope that it was only a break, without even letting me know at the end of it that it was all over. Today I feel again like the day he asked for a break, all the hurt, anger, confusion, and tears have returned. it would have been more humane to end it 6 weeks ago. I am putting everything into trying not to send off an email asking for some sort of closure. I am grateful he showed me that I could love again, but now I think I have lost all trust in people,and feel that even though I had worked on my neediness issues during the break, and held the belief that all he wanted was to give me time to reflect on my behavior as well as his own feelings, but now I’m afraid this experience has shown that my insecurities were somewhat founded. Maybe I’ve led a sheltered life, but I really didn’t think that he or people would play with someones emotions like that, when I was so honest with about everything, I expected the same in return. I still love him so much, miss him like crazy, even though I starting to realise that he doesn’t deserve my love. I know that if I haven’t heard from him by now, with the kind of relationship we had, I will never hear from him again. It’s like the last 15 months have been wiped away. Hopefully you and I will come out of this not too damaged.

Reply December 14, 2014, 5:53 pm

Emmmmma

Boy have I got a must read for you.
Bit of background…two almost 30 y.o’s, him 4 months out of a 7 year relationship/engagement.
I recently met him off a dating site. We exchanged numbers and coincidentally remove r our profiles at the same time. We texted a tiny bit here and there, but I didn’t feel ovely interested so it didn’t go much past how’s your day. About a month later he contacted me, I gave it a chance and we ended up talking for hours and discovered tons of common things and coincidences about highschool, etc. Awesome chemistrym. Texted literally all day for 3 days and decided to meet. Meeting was even better, super comfortable and lots of natural chemistry with really good, quality, sincere convo. Within a week we saw eachother 3 times – th firstweekend I stayed over and it really felt like I knew him forever.
My radar for bullshit, maturity, sincerity is pretty much stellar. I’m not needy nor do Iread into thingm and this felt 100% mutual (best feeling). He wasn’t over expressive but we mutually marveled at how much we already liked eachother, etc. I know when someone is laying it on thick. He wasnt and i truly believed he was extremely sincere, saying things like ‘ive told you more then I’ve told “Tammy” in pur entire relationship. He seemed like a very reasonable, mature guy and it literally seemed perfect
After a week first red flag…he said he felt like things were going too fast and he felt ‘weird’. I asked what he thought we should do to slow down to which he said nothing, as it felt natural. We exchanged 5000 texts in three weeks and talked on the phone at night and saw eachother during the week and overnight on weekends. Whik with him he seemed 100% enamoured and not in a cheesy try hard way. One of the easiest new connections I’ve ever had. I should note he said he could see this going somewhere and wed made clear after week 1 we were exclusively seeing eachother.

THEN the morning after we spent an awesome intense night together he was quiet via text. I asked if anything was wrong and he more or less said Yes, I’m not ready for where this is going, for a relationship.. I told him he was thinking too hard and ahead. Then he said he was confused and couldn’t see himself with me. That he felt like while in his super Lgon term relationship he had regretted not doing things an if he got iyo one with me, th same would happen. He wanted to lone wolf it.
Mistake 1, I shoulda told him to bugger off righthen and there. But he was articulate and sounded confused and I made the excuse of well, he’s fresh out a relationship. Anyway, he said he wanted me in his life and we could try being friends. We had prearranged plans for my birthday three days later and I decided I wanted to go anyway, at least we could talk and part ways nicely as I knew friends wasn’t an option. I asked him plainly if he simply wasn’t interested anymore or if he had someone else. He calmly and adamantly said no.
In the interim I noticed him make googly eyes at a female on Instagram. He’s not a huge user so his activity was easy to spot. Not to be vain but she was nothing g special to look at smissed it but it caught my interest.

He dumped me via text. I told him I didn’t understand wtf happened and that it was shitty of him to not do this on ohone or in person. But would respect it and to call, I just wanted clarity. He claimed to not understand i himself, he fekt numb, and disappeared for a day more or less.

My birthday plans were two days later. We still texted but minimally and he came to pick me up midday for food and a little excursion. We ended up spending 24hours together and had a really great conversation and I was supportive about the journey he was on, fresh out of his relationship and encouraging him to figure it out. He insisted he still had a Crush, was articulate and seemed genuinely confused. Throughout the day we attempted to keep things friendly but we kept naturally gravitating toward eachother. He was like we CANNOT have SEX…I said fine, I wasn’t into someone not into me anyway. Well long story short I stayed over and we slept together.

He drove me home and I was a bit confused. I told him friends wont work, why don’t I just give you space for like a week then we’ll reconnect and see where things stand. He said yes and seemed into this idea. A day later I sent him dome work photos with little to no reply. He was happy to have distance. He stopped liking my photos on social media and liking this new girls. We made plans for Saturday, at 6. I last spoke to him Thursday evening where he told me to have a Good night. I texted him the next morning confirming for Sat and got no reply.

NOW IT GETS CRAZY. By Friday evening, I sensed something was up, so I phoned him and left a single message, really neutral just indicating I hadn’t heard ROM him, etc. I checked the Instagram page of girl and it was now private.

NEEDLSS TO SAY Saturday morning came and with no response, I noticed he had REMOVED me from social media and made himself private. I phoned him…AND HE CHANGED HIS NUMBER. This has literally been a nightmare. Not only did henot have decency to ccancelled, this man dropped off the face of the Earth AND made it so that I couldn’t contact him, all without A SINGLE WORD.
He never once even insinuated he wanted m to permanently leave him alone. The time and energy it must have taken to change numbers…what on Earth. I was under the impression that number change was reserved for harassment, etc

All of this occurred within 4 weeks.
He completely duped me and I feel completely degraded. We sincerely shared a LOT emotionally and I was very clear with him…just tell m if youre into me, it hppens. So yo completely do a Houdini AND change number was extremely alarming and has left me totally feeling like I’ve been punched. Its really done a number on my confidence because let me tell you, I truly trusted thi mans character and would have never thought him capable if something so cruel and immature.
My friends think he’s a douchebag and probably seeing that girl.
I’m 30 and neve experienced this. First time for everything!

Reply December 9, 2014, 11:53 am

JE

OMFG lady. This is going to sound cruel and I apologize in advance..you’re needy and gullible and have poor personal boundaries. Here’s what’s wrong with the picture.
1. He was on the rebound.
2. You met him after only texting, which is lazy communication.
3. You slept with him the first week of dating based on strong infatuation, not true intimacy, which takes time to build.
4. You ignored the first indication he wasn’t into you and had most likely used you for sex.
5. You ignored the second indication he wasn’t into you by creeping the profile of the girl he actually was interested in, which makes you a bit psycho.
6. You continued to contact him and have sex with him after he officially dumped you by text, which makes you a whole lot psycho.
7. You tell yourself you can’t understand it even though the red flags were very clear, which indicates your BS detector could use some fine-tuning.
8. You *are* needy and desperate and really should work on that before you attempt dating again.
That being said, yeah, the guy was a douche. I’m not defending him in any way. It’s up to YOU to protect YOU, though. Take some responsibility.

Reply January 7, 2015, 4:37 pm

Shannon

I really feel this is not a constructive comment. You’re judging this woman based on the small picture….”making a long story short” in a very negative way that is not the least bit empowering. And that’s too bad, because this is one of the few places where women can express themselves and feel supported. I like to feel I’m a rational human being, but even I’ve “creeped” on profiles of people I thought my object of affection was interested in…that makes me a psycho? If so, most of the United States is psycho, because we *all* do that sort of thing nowadays. It’s known as Facebook stalking. People who get self righteous and critical about it…like you…in my experience are the worst offenders of all, they just won’t admit they do it. Have some compassion for someone who is heartbroken and hurting and reaching out for support. She was in love with this guy. So, she called and/or texted him more than I would have done personally….I don’t think that would have changed the outcome anyway. He wasn’t for her. Someone else is, someone BETTER. Telling someone they’re needy and desperate doesn’t make them magically gain self esteem and feel their own self worth, it just makes you feel superior on your throne of perfection and feel good about yourself. So maybe it’s better if you keep your unhelpful, condescending remarks to yourself because obviously YOU have a lot to work on if you need to go on an internet forum and diminish others to build yourself up.

Reply January 8, 2015, 7:11 pm

Fate

My online boyfriend of 15 months asked for a 4-6 week break after a few misunderstandings and perhaps my ‘neediness’ issues.We are both in our 40’s, it was a loving long distance relationship, and we have met about 4 months ago, which was fantastic, we got on as well as we always did through phone, email and video..After I received the email stating he was sorry, but needed this time, as he couldn’t deal with this while dealing with problems at work (he also told me how much he loved me) I waited a week to reply, so I wouldn’t be too emotional in my reply. I told him I would respect his need for space, and that I hoped we were not too broken to find our way back to each other. I signed off until then. I have not contacted him since, nor him me. It is approaching the end of this period, and I’m scared. This time has been hell for me and I miss him every day. I don’t know what to do if I don’t hear from him, and don’t know how to react if I do, whether it be good news or bad. Please help me get through these last few days, and give tips on how to deal with outcomes. I have spent this time dealing with my neediness issues.Thanks

Reply December 8, 2014, 4:08 pm

Lindsay

I think i’m definitely in the same situation. I met a guy online about a month ago and right off the bat it was constant texting and getting to know each other. We added each other on Facebook, and our first phone call lasted 4 hours! It was like we had known each other for years instead of just a month. In this time he has told me that he wants to take things slow and eventually be serious with me, and I reciprocated those feelings. He kept on showing clear signs of interest until the last week where his texts were getting less frequent and conversations were running short. When I asked him if things were okay and that when i noticed he was getting distant I was willing to give him space, he asked me why I was giving him spaced and that he liked hearing from me. It’s mainly been me texting him and he does text back when I do, but it just feels like there’s something going on with him. He kept telling me that there are some family issues he has going on and he has University to deal with, but I think his feelings for me might be dropping. As of now, i’m not texting him again until he wants to text me first so i can at least tell if he still wants to talk with me. He still claims to have feelings for me but there is still that undeniable shift in communication. I’m not sure what to do or how to proceed.

Reply December 2, 2014, 6:32 pm

TLC

Hi Lindsay,
Wow, in reading these comments, there is a lot of crap going on right now with guys! My situation relates to yours very closely. We met online, first date was lunch on the 2nd of Dec., communicated every day and had three great dates, the last one being on the 12th. Anyway, a definite connection, total talk of things “we” would do in the future…the last time he contacted me was the 17th. I have sent a couple of texts just to see if he’ll respond and maybe tell me what is up, he responds, but that is it.
I wanted to check with you to see how your situation is? I have heard that guys get a bit weird around the holidays, especially with a new girl.

Reply January 3, 2015, 3:12 pm

Suzanne

I signed up for a week free trial for a dating website, not really expecting too much. I ended up really hitting it off with this guy. We constantly emailed back and forth, had a ton of things in common, and never ran out of stuff to talk about. He canceled his membership and my trial expired, so we exchanged numbers and planned to meet up. The first date went great. Never a lull in the conversation and we just clicked. He asked me out again right there. He texted me about 30 min after we left and we continued texting the rest of the night. I left for vacation the following weekend, so three weeks after the first date, we had our second. He invited me to his place for dinner and movies. We hung out, had a great time again, and had a killer makeout session. We talked about sex and specifically how long we wanted to wait. We agreed on 3 months. He talked about wanting to see my apartment and other things that would leave me to believe this would not be the last time I saw him. He told me to text when I got home, which I did, thanking him for everything and told him I had a great time. His response was “your welcome” and thats the last I heard from him. I texted him the following evening (Monday) apologizing for staying so late, and said I hope he got enough sleep. He didn’t respond. I wasn’t too worried because he told me his little brother was coming to stay with him for Thanksgiving from Tues-Sun, so I figured he was preoccupied. He also mentioned that on Thanksgiving they were running a Turkey Trot together, so Wednesday night I just sent him a text wishing them both luck. Again, no response. It’s now been a little over a week with absolutely no contact from his end. He did spend the week with his brother, and he does work A LOT, so I’m not sure how much of it is him being really busy or if he lost interest. Everything just seemed to go so perfectly on the last date, I just don’t understand how he could’ve acted the way he acted and said the things he said if he wasn’t interested. He is also very confident and gentlemanly and doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would just ignore someone to get rid of them. How long should I give him to reach out before I lose hope completely? If I still don’t hear from him for awhile, is it a terrible idea to send him a casual “hey haven’t heard from you in awhile hows everything?” type of text? Hellllppp. I really like this guy and it would be really disappointed if I don’t hear from him :(

Reply December 1, 2014, 9:57 pm

TLC

Hi Suzanne,
My situation is so similar! May I ask what has transpired over the past month? My guy at least responds to my texts, but we haven’t seen each other in three weeks and he hasn’t made first contact with me since the 17th. I was going to give him the holidays to get through whatever it might be that he was dealing with. This article was good, but I still am one who wants closure.
Please let me know what has happened.

Reply January 3, 2015, 3:19 pm

Suzanne

Hey! I never ended up hearing from him again. I was really disappointed for awhile because I really liked him. I was also pretty angry too, as I felt like he le

Reply January 3, 2015, 7:25 pm

Suzanne

Hey! I never ended up hearing from him again. I was really disappointed for awhile because I really liked him. I was also pretty angry too, as I felt like he led me on with everything that he had told me. I got over it, joined a new site, and have been dating again. I’ve met one person in particular that I’m really into, so we’ll see what happens! Date 5 should be coming up soon :)

Good luck!

Reply January 3, 2015, 7:34 pm

MelaniePow

Any insight here would be MUCH appreciated — here’s the scoop: I had been seeing this guy for about two weeks. He’s 30, pursuing is MBA. I’m 22, and while we were seeing each other, I was laid off from my job as an editor, and was pretty shaken up about it. Despite this occurrence, I took him up on an offer to go to his bayhouse for a day trip that upcoming weekend. We had been hanging out for about two weeks, and while he had been very good to me (i.e constant contact, paid for dates, respectful) I didn’t feel ready to sleep with him. I knew it would probably come up, and I knew that I wanted to give it more time. So, I end up staying at his place that night (we’re back in the city now). We had a (what I thought) was a really fun night with this friends and roommates, and I decided to spend the night. I got in his bed fully clothed in pajamas, he tried to take it further than making out, I respectfully declined. I told him that I’m really into him but I don’t feel ready, and he was saying a lot of nice things back. I leave in the morning for brunch, and don’t hear from him the whole day. I text him the next day, and get short, limited responses. Is it just that I didn’t sleep with him? Could that really be all that it took? We had a really balanced thing going before that, and he even encouraged me to text him more. He was kind of my unicorn, and I’m just wondering if it was a timing issue (I’m not in the best place right now, he’s super busy with school) or if he really just lost interest in me.

Reply November 29, 2014, 10:03 pm

BLaw

Was this yesterday? You need more time than your story indicates to decide whether he’s cooling off lol… patience grasshopper

Reply November 29, 2014, 11:12 pm

Siobhan " Bon Bon"

This has happened to me a number of times. I hate when guys do that. It’s really not right it is so mean to treat people that way. All of a sudden you just stop calling and texting the person. Especially when everything is going great. What about when he tells you I love you I am in love with you and then all of a sudden poof no more. I will never in my life talk to a person like that again. Please stay out of my life. No girl deserves this.

Reply November 26, 2014, 2:57 pm

Lauren

I’m so glad I found this post! I was talking with this guy for two weeks and he would text me constantly and call and we would talk on the phone for hours. He initiated a hang out and asked for my address to pick me up, said he was about to leave annnnddddddddd nothing. I called that night to see if he was okay and he sent me straight to vm. It was just so shady and the part that annoys me is why say you’re gonna come pick a girl up if you’re not? Haven’t heard from him since and I’m getting over him, but it definitely was a blow.

Reply November 26, 2014, 2:32 pm

Natalie

I didn’t realize this happened often! This just happened to me. I met a guy six months ago on vacation, we hit it off when we got home. We talked throughout the whole summer but did not start hanging out till September. First date went really well, went out to eat and then went to sit by the lake. We stayed up till 3am talking, we didn’t even realize the time. He dropped me off and then kissed me goodbye. Second date went well as well. This time we went to go see a movie, his friends called him when we got back to my place, apparently they were all downtown. I asked why he didn’t go and whether or not he needed to leave? He said “no I told my friends I’m with you tonight.” In fact he told me his friends know that if he’s not at work or school or with them then he’s with me. So texting back and forth and snapping as usual. Third date comes along we go out and once again have a good time and we don’t realize we were up so late talking. As he was driving me home he held my hand and then we kissed good night. We talked regularly after that, and snapchatted like she usually did but then last weekend I had to work and study for a midterm so we didn’t talk for 4 days. On the fourth day I snapchatted him and he opened it so I texted him saying hey what’s up? No response…. The odd thing is he has NEVER ignored me before. He always texted me back. But I brushed it off maybe he’s busy or something. So I snapchatted him at midnight and then went to sleep. I woke up at 5am and sure enough he opened up my snap but never answered my text :s this is when I knew something’s wrong so I texted him asking him if everything’s okay etc. I normally snap a bunch of ppl through out the morning so I snapchatted him and a bunch of other ppl a video of what my dog was doing. Once again he opened up my snap but never responded to my first or second text…. Haven’t tried contacting him since. I don’t understand how we were doing so well and then he just disappears :s he stopped snapchatting in general as well, all his best friends are gone so he doesn’t respond to anyone, I was his top snapchatter as well. Maybe he’s goin through a family issue? Whatever. I’m still broken up about it I guess I just don’t understand.

Reply November 21, 2014, 1:57 am

butterflygirl

Just had this happen to me, and I’m so confused! I met a guy on a dating app, talked for 2 weeks, then had a date. Hit it off, had a great time, immediately he asked for another date. Lots in common, laugh, have fun together. We date for 3 months. Things are going well. A few weeks ago, I just feel something is off. I trust my intuition. I waited a week, hoping he’d bring it up (he didn’t). I asked him his schedule for the week and when we could get together (knowing I had the intention of asking him in person what was going on)…and he just ignored the question and talked about his work. His contact slowed during the course of the week. At the end of the week, I realized he was disappearing and texted him apologizing for the method of communication but since we couldn’t get together that week, and I felt something was amiss…that I wondered if he was seeing other people. And that I wasn’t, and would like to spend more time with him. I didn’t mention a relationship, a committment…just asked, so that we could be on the same page. No answer. And then he was gone…I texted, I emailed asking if everything was ok…no reply. I know his cousin, so I assume she’d tell me if he was in an accident or something. No, he’s fine. After two weeks, and no response, I finally texted him and asked if I should just assume that he didn’t want to see me or talk to me anymore…and if that was the case, it would have been really nice if he had been adult about instead of disappearing. He texted back immediately no…that he was just thinking about things and he’d reply soon. “Soon” never arrived. The baffling thing to me is that he’s still keeping me as a FB friend. I just really don’t get it. I really liked him and I saw potential in this. I was taking things really slow to get to know him and make sure I wanted a relationship with HIM. And he still ghosted. Really disappointed that people lack common decency, courtesy and respect in communicating with others. It’s not like we went out for one date or even two. We had been dating for 3 months. Ugh.

Reply November 19, 2014, 3:13 pm

BLaw

You say you were dating for 3 months, yet somehow the question of exclusive never came up before? It sounds like you were very sparsely seeing each other… which is not at all the same as actually dating someone for 3 months. The exclusive talk is easiest after sleeping with someone, and you don’t have to use that word, you just communicate that you’re not sleeping with anyone else and it’s ok with you if you guys see how it goes and stop seeing other people.. or something.

The way you you describe him vanishing and your reaction sounds like the way you communicate with someone you barely know. 3 Months is a lot of time and there should be at least a modicum of trust and comfort built up by then.

What i hear on boards like these tends to repeat itself. Person A is more emotionally vested, so person A places assumptions on the situation, yet because person A is an intelligent and perceptive individual, you know deep down you’re more into it- which is why the exclusive talk never comes up: FEAR of driving them away. Well sorry to say but that is not a real relationship- if there’s any chance in hell the exclusive talk will push this person out of your life… you’re not a romantic interest, you’re an option.

Don’t fall for it. Settling is for the birds. And what’s more- when you are willing to settle for less attention or investment than you want, everyone can smell it on you and you become less attractive. The answer is to realize the person you want in your life WANTS you in theirs (And i’m not saying there’s only one out there… there’s tons!). Don’t waste time with jaded serial daters, they’re a dime a dozen.

Reply November 19, 2014, 3:26 pm

butterflygirl

We saw each other once or twice a week. We talked basically everyday, even when traveling. I know I made the mistake of not having an exclusive talk after we slept together (and no, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks and a few dates in), but I am not a serial dater and I don’t sleep around. I was trying to do things in the right way and not rush to a relationship or label it a relationship, mistakes women often do, and I have done before years ago. I felt there was a modicum of trust and comfort. He was affectionate, chivalrous, and sweet. He always texted after every date to say he had a great time.

Until the last date. Nothing bad happened. It was an afternoon date doing a fun Halloween activity.I expected that he’d stay longer after he dropped me off as it was very early evening…he didn’t. That was a red flag to me, if you’ve been physical with someone and they have something else to do. He said he had a great time. He said he’d text me when he got home. He didn’t. A few hours later, I texted him and said I had a good time and was looking forward to seeing him again soon. He answered, but something just felt off. Then the following week, when we would instant message and say hi at work…started falling off. And it continued from there.
I have been in longterm relationships for much of the last few years, and I’m newish to dating again. I wanted to make sure I did everything right. No being pushy, taking my time- getting to know someone before I rushed into a relationship. Which is what I thought I was doing. This came out of left field as I really really thought things were going well, except for the last week that I saw him in person.

And what really bothers me the most is when I did call him on it, to reply back and say no, I shouldn’t assume that we’re done, and he’d answer soon– that’s really immature and selfish. It doesn’t take 2 seconds to text and say “Ok, this isn’t working out.” It would have stung, but at least I wouldn’t be wondering what was going on.
I let my friends talk me out of confronting him much sooner than I did. I’m about communication and honesty. I thought he was too, or he would have never made it past a first or second date.

To be honest, I feel he’s been seeing other people, which hey, was his prerogative if he desired as we weren’t serious, and we were just dating. BUT we *were* dating for months. I realize it was getting to the point where decisions were going to have to be talked about, but I wasn’t pushing for that. So I figure he met someone else he liked better, got back with his ex…whatever. It would have been nice to have learned he was done from him, and not radio silence. Heck, lie to me- tell me it’s you and not me…anything is better than nothing.

Reply November 19, 2014, 4:04 pm

butterflygirl

And funny enough, he texted over the weekend. Haven’t talked it out but a bit of it seems to have been work stress. I’ll listen to the excuse *ahem, reason* and see if it warrants a second chance. If not, oh well. Lesson learned.

Reply November 24, 2014, 2:06 pm

Ashley

Well here goes my story, I was going through a breakup from a guy who was emotionally abusive towards me and decided to go in a dating site for a rebound a guy who wasn’t that much my typed messaged me and he seemed different from all the other guys I dated in the past so I gave it a shot, we met at a book store and walked around the park the first time we met it was nice but when he said goodbye he side hugged me and ran off I thought he wasn’t interested in me so I let it pass, he texts me the next day to ask to see me before he goes away on a family vacation for the next two weeks I was too busy to see him then so he ended up going on his family vacation and I thought I would never here from him again he contacts me the second he gets back to see me which I was very surprise he still remembered me and wanted to see me we went out in our second date it was nice, on the third date he explained to me he has a very serious case of OCD and anxiety disorder and that was part of the reason why he ran off the day we first met due to an episode he had, I am not the person to judge because my brother had autism and I have a good understanding when it comes to mental disorders. We been seeing each other for few months and he introduced me to his family and friends and this has been the first time a guy ever has introduced me to their loved ones and I felt special and flatter. Eventually I wanted to deign what I was having with him since if he’s not seeing anyone else and I am not seeing anyone else and I met his family and we see each other so often I think it’s time even knowing when he told me his last relationship was four years ago and his longest relationship was only for a few months I still wanted a label. I opened up to him on halloween the way I was feeling he said he really likes that he would like to continue seeing me but can’t so the relationship label. I was ok with it and we cuddled and kiss till I got home, he texted me right after to seri got home safe and everything seemed great, until he started a new job the day after the talk I had with him. I texted him good luck at the job the night before he started he says thanks :), then I didn’t reply till a few days later to see how he was doing we texted back and forth a bit then he stopped, he then texts me two days later to see how I was doing I told him I been going through some stress and all he says was you need anything I am always here for you to talk, this was the first time since we been dating that not once he initiated to see me at all that weekend or anything just texting back and forth and him replying every few hours, I texted him the day after to ask about his weekend then texts me over a day later to say it was good how about you I replied same good weekend also then after that poof never texts me again barely see him on Facebook anymore literally pulled a ghost on me I never been so confused about something like this in my life and I just have this emptiness inside and I can’t stop myself from crying, why couldn’t he just tell me from the last time I saw him he doesn’t want to see me anymore, why text me first then slowly drift away, why drop me when I accepted all his flaws and try to comfort him Everytime he had an episode, why let me meet your family and friends when I wasn’t anything serious to you, all these questions stuck in my head like glue and no answers, I know that it takes time to move on but really how can a person just be heartless and cruel like that

Reply November 16, 2014, 12:43 pm

Ashley

its been two weeks, and I hadnt hit him up after he bailed on me cause of family troubles and he hasnt hit me up either. Its hurts but just got to move on I guess…

Reply December 12, 2014, 6:13 pm

Ana

So in a situation where you have a talk and you give him an ultimátum, he decides he wants to work things out he doesn’t want to break up, he would just like me to make it interesting again like before? He wants me to motivate him? What the heck does that mean? To show up at his house in costume lingerie? Lol I’ve tried looking up new restaursnts, walks to the park I just don’t know what direction to go towards, what does it mean when a guy asks you to make it interstitial again?

Reply November 7, 2014, 12:24 pm

BLaw

Perspective:

Here’s an example of what you guys are talking about from the guy’s point of view. Now in this case I have not faded out completely, but I have lost interest in her, and since I don’t know any of you I’m going to be TOTALLY honest lol.

– met her on Tinder. talked back and forth etc, had a wonderful phone chat before meeting up. we seemed to have a ton of interests in common, so we set a first date.

– first date was a carnival. it was an awesome first date, wonderful kiss at the end, we had a great time. She talked very fast and quite a bit, but said she was nervous so that’s ok. Only BAD thing about the first date is she is a tiny bit heavier than her pictures (but since she is super gorgeous in the pics she still is plenty gorgeous in person).

– lots of texting after the date, etc. she texted me straight up to ask if i was religious, what are my politics, and do i want kids and how many. This weirded me out but i like this girl, she’s exotic, very successful, speaks fluent French and just all around cool, she’s also funny! so answer the questions and give her the benefit of the doubt.

– second date rolls around. good times at a nice restaurant… she’s still talking quite a bit and i’m starting to notice… having to manufacture interest in the conversation sometimes since i don’t really get a turn to talk. one of her favorite topics is preventative medicine, along with medical horror stories about friends and even offers me some advice on vitamins etc. I do not use medicine, i think it’s a plague in this country, and i think we are vastly over medicated in general- i’m quite fit and healthy and believe myself to be healthier without it.

– big halloween party at my friend’s place after dinner… holding conversation becoming a little more difficult. Where is the girl i talked to on the phone? can’t seem to find any interests in common, she doesn’t ever ask me questions or seem remotely curious in the things i think about. i offer up some stories here and there, talk about stuff i’m passionate about… she nods and smiles and waits for her turn to talk.

by midnight i’m totally exhausted, i feel uncomfortable in her presence. i’m a good actor so she can probably tell i’m tired but i’m not cranky or anything, still all smiles and laughing. she was a 9 when i met her now she’s a 6 at most… i’m noticing physical details i don’t like and i realize this is because my attraction to her personality is slipping.

ANNNNNNNND it’s gone. just like that. i was EXTREMELY into this girl… but the first date glow went up in smoke on the second date. i’m not sure if she even realizes but we are talking less. have a movie night tentatively scheduled… i have zero intention on trying to sleep with her, since i don’t see a future in it.

So there it is, everything that happened, and my little story about how i was totally dazzled by a beautiful girl i met on tinder, and the magic wore off completely.

Reply November 4, 2014, 3:51 am

Ruby

Thanks BLaw. What a shame it didn’t work out. May I suggest that in the future you find some way to give your prospective women the pointer that you don’t appreciate women who have the gift of gab, rather than waste each other’s time or hurt anyone feelings. Perhaps you were feeling she was a bit narcissist for your comfort level and was going to be too much work for you. It could be that she’s used to being around passive, shy guys who were good listeners. I’d give the both of you one more chance – she how she controls herself on “movie” night – see if she lets you watch the movie. But you owe it to both of you to tell her she needs to slow down and let you get a word or two in because you’re not a simpleton and also like to talk. By date 6, if there is one, if she hasn’t somehow shown you how she appreciates your company and made you feel good about yourself, tell her you’ve lost interest because another woman has come into the picture who likes to hear you talk about yourself and things you like and she gets you and you “click.” That should make her think long and hard, maybe enough for date 7 but be sure to compliment her when you see she’s letting you get a word in and explain why that means so much to you. I’m not being sarcastic. She probably doesn’t see how this is such a turn off factor to you. At least she doesn’t sound like drama for you if you are emotionally available and not in crisis. Good luck. And ladies pay attention or you’ll lose his attention – men like to talk too if you’re going to make their ears bleed. Come up for air, take a couple of deep breaths, give him a minute to think about what you just said if he’s a slow responder – don’t jump around the place running circles around him. Keep it under control.

Reply November 4, 2014, 6:28 am

Dejavu

Well Said, Ruby!!!

Reply November 4, 2014, 6:38 am

Z

Thanks for sharing a male perspective. You said it all in the first few sentences: you lost interest. This is why guys disappear. “They are not that into you” if they do the fade contacting you. It is really that simple.

Reply November 4, 2014, 8:28 am

BLaw

You’re right- but losing interest is sometimes the result of sabotage… if you don’t demonstrate that you are curious about the other person’s life, they will probably get bored with you.

Now in her defense 90% of the ladies i meet bore me to tears, but i’m a creative artist/author/geek so the regular people just don’t cut the mustard (same w my guy friends).

Still, talking without listening is never a good thing. It will cost you both friendships and relationships.

Reply November 19, 2014, 3:32 pm

Mamabear

Hey BLaw! I really like your honesty and would love to get your take on my situation since I can’t seem to get honesty from him! 😉 Will you please email me at LuvSFniners@hotmail.com so I can tell you the situation and you can give me your male opinion? I would REALLY appreciate it since my heart is kinda bruised right now. Thanks so much!

Reply November 14, 2014, 6:08 pm

Zoe

I met this guy about a month ago and we connected instantly… we would text everyday, went on this amazing date, and talk about catching up after I finished exams! I knew he really wanted to see me. Last week I couldn’t talk to him that much as I was studying a lot and then I asked to catch up with him this week and he said sure thing and I messaged him what day he was free and he didn’t reply… I haven’t heard from him in 4 days! I know he’s been extremely busy with work and it’s been going well for him but that didn’t stop him in the earlier weeks! Could someone please help explain to me what could possibly be going on??!

Reply November 4, 2014, 3:37 am

Z

If he wanted to reach out to you, he would have. It takes 2 seconds to respond someone and he didn’t do that for you. Chalk it up to one good date and keep fishing. He isn’t the guy for you.

Reply November 4, 2014, 8:29 am

M

I met a guy on an online dating website (needless to say, profile is now closed…). We chatted for a month, he would phone me and we would talk for hours non-stop…it was going great! We then started seeing each other and hit it off from the get go!! I remember last conversation where he told me he misses me and our conversations…..then a day later he went M.I.A…I tried to phone him (not realizing this is actually him disappearing)…2 days later I told myself well, I will not allow any man to do this to me….sure I cried for an hour, then dressed up, phoned my friends, poured my heart out and here I am still mad as hell at him, but obviously he was not the one and I decided that I am worth much more than the way he treated me / handled the situation…I did however, knowing that he wouldn’t reply) sent him a farewell message just to give myself that final peace of mind….

Reply November 4, 2014, 2:06 am

Ashley

Did he ever reply to you after you sent the farewell message?

Reply November 15, 2014, 9:11 pm

M

No….but I felt better….and I know I deserve better….

Reply November 21, 2014, 2:41 pm

Ashley

After when I read your story and everyone else’s on here I decided to hit my guy up and tell him the truth saying hey I miss hanging out with you he never even replied back to me but yet he’s been on Facebook since that text I sent him, it hurts but gives me closure to I guess everyone here deserves someone better including me cause the guys who tend to just run away and not confront are the most cowards lessons learn.

Reply November 21, 2014, 7:02 pm

M

They are definitely the biggest cowards that exist!!!! You do deserve the best and you will find it….good luck dear!!

November 24, 2014, 2:48 am

Ashley

funny, update: he texted me later on after I posted this comment saying yeah sorry.. been crazy busy.. literally just like that, I replied a day later well me too, since we are both crazy busy whenever we are free we can hang out again. since then he never replied again its awhile now hes too busy to text me back but go on facebook all the time ok. like he wasnt interested in me cant just tell me point blank instead of leaving me hanging #douchebag

November 24, 2014, 1:55 pm

M

Just remember…..people always make time if something is important to them….so that really is one lame excuse from his side….forget about him, the right one will come and make you forget about all the bad things of the past….keep strong and don’t bother wasting one more second on this guy!!!!

November 25, 2014, 4:52 pm

Ashley

He texted me two days later, again to see whether I was available to hang out this week, I had not replied yet since he doesnt take his time to respond to me, at the end of the day I am keeping my options open I might see him this week, but at the other side I am going to see other people as well..

November 25, 2014, 6:04 pm

Moll

This has just happened to me and I have to say I’m finding it hard because I’m usually so cautious. But he was so persistent. He messaged me every single day for 10 months. He would email me at work, Skype me 2-3 times a week and we would talk for hours. He was living abroad for a few months but started making plans for us for when he got back. He booked tickets for an event 6 months ahead of time. I kept pulling back but he kept stepping up and making the grand gestures – he flew back on the spur of the moment to surprise me. I went out to visit him twice and he made so much effort, planning stuff for us to do, taking me out, remembering things I said I liked and surprising me. On his birthday he said he couldn’t wait to spend his next birthday with me. I started to let my guard down and he made me feel so comfortable and so loved and we had so much fun. The 2 days before he was supposed to spend the weekend with me and a month before he was due to move back for good, I got a message saying he didn’t know how to say this but at the moment he thought it would be best if he didn’t see me that weekend and that he knew it was completely out of the blue and unfair but he was sorry. So I replied saying ok but asked for him to give me an explanation when he was ready and I hoped he was ok (by the way I was totally devastated.) He replied almost straight away saying Yes of course. I’m ok… I think. I never heard from him again. I sent him another message a few weeks later saying I was going to stop waiting for an explanation but I hope his move back went well and take care etc. We’re still friends on FB (should I block/delete?!!) and I can see he’s now back in the UK but I’ve heard nothing. Maybe I missed the signals in the days before he sent me the message, maybe I finally relaxed and felt this was something that was going to last and didn’t realise he wasn’t on the same page. I don’t know. But thank you for this article… to know it wasn’t just me. That you do get through it.

Reply November 2, 2014, 3:16 pm

suzanna

It happened to me a month ago! I wish I would have read this sooner! We dated for 6 months. He pushed for a commited relationship around month 4, but also said he never wants kids or marriage. He became very jealous, and controlling. Also, he suffers from ocd, so I wonder what role that played in all of it. After his seemingly perfect birthday weekend he told me he “was done”, he still cared, but he wanted to be alone for awhile…that it may make him “appreciate me more”. He said I was the only girl who he ever felt protective and jealous over, but didn’t want to be together. He sent very mixed signals during our last conversation. I had no idea what to think. A week later he told me he wanted to try to work things out with his ex girlfriend. I had one bad day of anger text messages, one email of peace making (not begging or trying to get back together) but I am done with contact now. Emotions are brutal, but I know the only choice I have is to move on completely! The thoughts still haunt me. Will he contact me? Is he happy with his ex? Does he miss me? How could he do this? …but at the end of the day I know I will never get the answers, and view it all as a learning experience to make my next relationship better!

Reply November 1, 2014, 12:54 am

lynn

he found my profile on professional network and added me. then we talk on whatsapp till he asked me to visit him . i just thought it would be great experience to go out of my country and visit him. after my divorced i rather shut my self. hes. a good looking guy, 7years younger . things were awesome and we spent two weekend at his place.
but then he start keeping his distance as he started new business. no more hello and cold response till i found out accidently on facebook ,another gal posting a pic of her and him in car , and she kissing his cheek. it was shocking and hurtful.
he said theyre only fren. but then i found other pic after.. grrrrr
we keep argued since, as he keep saying theyre only friends. its been two months and we still having bad communication..
but then he started talking about spending weekend in an island. im very confuse on what he want.
he said he dont want to in any commitment as hes too busy with his business..
i step back and try to leave him but he always pull me back .. and its really not comfy to keep thinking whether hes seeing her still or not. and he always asked me to stop talking about it.
if hes not wanting me why he still keeping.. and still want to meet me ?
grrr sometimes i think hes playing me around,,but i cant seems to let him go. stupid me :(

Reply October 31, 2014, 1:59 pm

smith

I am entering this comment under an alias just to be careful and avoid the guy i am writing this about from seeing it. I as well met a man on tinder. He was very straight forward and i liked that about him. He never hid his interest in seeing me as soon as he could. We ended up meeting and pretty soon a pattern developed. We would meet, hook up, and then go our separate ways. I am a virgin so this was all new territory for me. I would’ve never gone along with that had I not thought this dude was something else. but I’m really not into games or being passive aggressive, so I called him out on it. On the not texting me until he was ready to see me, on the just flat out ignoring the texts I would send him. His response?
“Just be a good girl. Do you wanna keep doing what we are doing?”
Dropped the guy as fast as i could. Basically, even when you do get the “closure”, or just A answer, it almost always leaves you feeling as confused as if he had just vanished and never said why.

Guys are dumb. Not all of them, but most of them are spineless douchebags. The beating yourself up about WHY he left is a pointless phase you just gotta get through. And then you’ll find another new guy you can try and spin something great out of.

Reply October 27, 2014, 11:35 pm

Dejavu

Smith, I just had to respond to your comment!!! Do you live in London? If you do, then it is possible that I may know the guy you referred to in your comment!!! Why???? My instincts strongly tell me it’s the same guy I met on Tinder.
He is well educated and fun to be…. However is the worst passive aggressor ever!!!! It’s almost like a push and pull game with him…. One minute, all fun and loving …. The next is silent treatments and ignoring texts.
Thank God, I never slept with him…!!! The truth is that passive aggressors wanted to be wanted…they love the attention their childish behaviour gets them. When they switch on the silent mode, women ten to text and call more and that way they bask in that attention. I learnt that pretty fast and stopped texting and let him do the chasing…! That quickly his interest! I have known him since June but will not sleep with him till I am certain He is sincere and committed to us being together…. Truthfully, it may a long time coming!!!
However, I know Every girl remembers her first but don’t feel bad….. The fact of the matter is some people fix themselves by breaking others!!! You should only feel sorry for them cause they really are sad and lonely inside and their theatrics is really a weak cry for Help!!!!
Don’t give up, Girl…..Love is Out There waiting for you!!!!

Reply October 29, 2014, 9:54 am

Jessica

I met this guy on tinder 6 months ago. At the time I just wanted to get back out there and date. He wasn’t from my area so I figured free dinner and nice conversation! Well, the date went really well and one thing led to another… You know how it goes. I saw him again memorial day weekend and we kept in almost daily contact until almost a week ago. The worst part is we made a plan for me to visit him this weekend (my ticket is for tomorrow) and because he hasn’t returned any of my texts, I’m cancelling my trip. I feel cheated. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. But I did find someone I cared about, still care about. I don’t know what happened but it’s a horrible way to treat a person, nevermind someone you’re sexually/emotional whatever involved with. He told me he cared about me. Was that a lie? About a month ago my grandmother passed away. He was more than there for me. He reached out constantly, asking about me, my parents, etc. I’m having a hard time reconciling THIS guy (the guy I knew for the last 6 months) and the guy who just up and disappeared. I have to end it tonight by sending one last message letting him know I cancelled the trip. He’s not an idiot so I can’t believe he would think I’m still going but I feel it’s something I should do. He’s not my boyfriend. But there was a connection. I never thought he was this person. How could I be so wrong?!

Reply October 22, 2014, 3:09 pm

Riyah

My dream guy came to me and was eager to talk to me and I was very hesitant to talk to him because I have been single for two years and when he came in my life trying to really get to know me I couldn’t let him down. So we talked all day even when he was at work. We would talk all night until the morning and he’ll call me when he got up and we would talk all day. We lived long distance but we would tango and oovoo each other every now and then. He would tell me everything and we would laugh and we only had two arguments but it wasn’t bad at all. Long story short he disappeared on me after we had texted Saturday evening. An it’s been 4 days since he texted me or called me. I did call him and text him but no reply . I cried two days straight and moped all 4 days not coming from my room. I can’t let go because he met my dad and no guy has ever met my dad and brother and got along with them. We talked about the future and how he was coming to see me in nov. And 3 months later he will leave on our 5 month anniversary. It hurts but I felt a feeling over come me and I just instantly felt better. I don’t know what it was but I guess I’ll know later. But like all women you can’t get over something that was really good and you can’t let go because it was a good relationship you’ve had from other guys. Well I think it’s only me but that’s why I can’t let him go just yet. I’m not going to contact him I’m just going to wait and see.

Reply October 22, 2014, 2:56 am

Mary

i’ve met this guy in Tinder, we chatted for almost a month, all the time, about everything… He said he’d love to meet me in person, but I had to go abroad for work for about two weeks, so we planned a date right after that. Meanwhile we kept chatting on whatsapp, he stayed up ’till 5am in the morning to talk to me because of the time difference, and when I got back we went out as planned. The date went very well, we went for a drink, a movie and another drink, we were talking and it was just like we’ve known each other for ages. He walked me home and we hugged on my doorstep. I haven’t heard from him ever since. He totally disappeared. I wrote him “Hi” on whatsapp but he never replied.
I really don’t understand. He was the one suggesting this could lead to something more while we were chatting, he even told me what he wanted to do for our second, even third date… He talked about things we could do together after retiring (!) and that he’d love to have me around until then…
I was just being myself, just like we were chatting on whatsapp, I don’t think I’ve been pushy or anything, I just went with the flow… I felt we were having a great time and that he didn’t want it to end (we stayed in the pub until we were asked to go because it was closing). He kept smiling at me and so…
This is driving me crazy…

Reply October 20, 2014, 6:49 am

mm

You only went out once. He decided after that he wasn’t that into pursuing it further. Don’t sweat it. Get back on Tinder and keep dating til you find someone.

Reply October 22, 2014, 9:38 am

BLaw

after all that he went for the hug but not the kiss. unfortunately this sounds like he decided the physical vibe/attraction just wasn’t there. 10 years of texting and chatting can be dispelled after 10 seconds with a person if you just don’t feel that personal connection face to face; and it’s really about more than just attraction, people have a way about them, and it might just make you uncomfortable, like someone’s energy is just not at all what you expected. Lesson learned here would be NEVER put too much into something before you have had a chance to meet someone and really feel whether you click in person, it’s easy to get hurt that way.

Reply October 22, 2014, 11:40 am

shau

Goodness. What you are experiencing is totally what happen to me now.
like you, i too, need closure from the guy. If he is not interested anymore, then just say it. Dont let someone like us to be baffled by all those question.

Once we got the answer, we can move on.

Anyhow. I really hope you will be strong and then if he still doesnt answer your text or clarify his stands, please, just move on and never text him again. That is what i am doing right now. Trying to get over him and open my heart for someone else.

Reply October 17, 2014, 2:51 pm

Jane

I met him and we both liked each other and we hit it off. It was nice and we connected very well. we met again and he surprised me with a nice phone and then after that he went distant and he could not talk, text back and i thot may be he needed some alone time. I later realised he wasnt interested at all and its very painful. was the gift meant to say good bye? am really confused please help.

Reply October 16, 2014, 8:38 am

amina

i am currently suffering the vanishing act this guy has been pulling on me for a while now.
the first time we met was magical, it was a fairytale, my freinds keep saying it was like love at first sight. we felt such strong attraction that we were both baffled. he made such an effort to ask me out and to show me and everyone how much he liked me. he went all out, swept me of my feet and made me the happiest girl in the world. he was from germany and it was summer vacation so he had to go back but he promised me he would make an effort and that distance won’t break our relationship but then all of a sudden he started pulling away and minimizing contact. i didn’t understand what was going on at first, i admit i panicked and did all the things i wasn’t supposed to do like texting him and giving him attention, i thought of every single excuse why he wasn’t texting me back or calling ( busy with work, family issues .. ), i blamed myself for everything and thought am i not good enough? did i get too clingy? did i nag too much? maybe i cared about him too much or maybe i was focused on what he liked and didn’t show him the real me.. my self-esteem and confidance hit rock bottom and i started doubting myself and hating myself. after reading your articles everything started making sense to me that he lost interest and i realized he doesn’t like me that much anymore. i stoped texting him and i moved on, i detached myself from him and all the memories. for a month i didn’t talk to him the decided to text him blaming him for his unkept promisses( again my bad!!) but still he ignored me. again. the thing is, i know i deserve more and i know i don’t like him that much anymore because of what he did but to be treated this way just hurts on a deep level. now i need to work with the damage; thank you so much for helping me see this and helping me move on! i must say that you’ve been an amazing help :)

Reply October 13, 2014, 4:48 pm

Shannon

I think the explanation for what happened in your situation is actually simple. He has a girlfriend in his hometown. He went on vacation planning on having a nice fling. He may have told you differently; who knows, maybe he even thought he would continue the relationship once vacation was over. But, in the end, it’s nothing you did wrong. He probably went into it knowing he was going to pull the plug when he went home. As painful as that realization is, it may give you closure to realize his behavior is not your fault and not because of something you did.

Reply October 17, 2014, 3:02 pm

vix

I’ve been through the fadeout before. And I’m currently going through one now. I’m trying to get him to just talk to me and explain what’s happening, because he’s just not making it clear.

Been dating for a few months, everything is fine, but roughly 3wks ago it was like a switch flicked and he changed overnight. He’s become really cold towards me and it’s gotten to the point where I cannot take it anymore because it’s bought back my major depression again. I just have a feeling there’s something more that’s happened and he’s not being honest with me at all. And he knows I need honesty.

I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me to explain as I don’t know where I stand at all. I’m in emotional limbo (something I would never do to anyone but an enemy) and I cannot function properly. Can’t eat right, sleep or concentrate on anything.

He says he loves me. Says he misses me. But now he hardly txts me, tells me what he’s doing or is sweet. We did txt daily…kisses and sweet nothings. And now he says he’s been just so tired with everything and is really busy on the run up to xmas he just doesn’t have a lot of time. Time for what??!! Me anymore? Why say he loves me then?! Why doesn’t he do me the courtesy of just explaining where I stand. I need to know. For me…..closure is very important to move on with anything like this (because it can make me extremely ill), no matter what the article says. If this wasn’t all that serious, I wouldn’t care as much as I do and I wouldn’t have invited him into my house and meet my daughter. He even assured her he wasn’t going to hurt me. I’m just really angry he doesn’t have the balls to talk to me and clarify things! I need to know so I can heal and find someone who deserves me truly.

Reply October 7, 2014, 12:43 am

Jasmine

Ummm, wow. I had no idea this happens this often. Long story short (to the best of my ability), I met a guy online. He was awesome. We talked for hrs at times, texted daily, he sent me photos of him & his son etc… we met once and it was great. That following week he faded into an all together disappearance act. I was bummed out royally- but what threw me off was that 3 1/2 weeks later, he texts me ‘hey how are you sorry I’ve been gone so long, situations at work got really challenging.’ I was so in shock. That’s a crap excuse cause I’d see him sign on the dating site a lot for hrs. I responded with ‘who’s this?’ He said who he was and asked how I’ve been. I told him ‘tied up right now. Let catch up later.’ I never responded after that and thus far haven’t heard from him…. I realized I didn’t need closure or be rude. Just peace out. As much as he seemed great, that didn’t matter. I see how he’s capable of coming in and out of someone’s life with no thoughts of feelings or emotions. Moving on…

Reply October 3, 2014, 10:32 pm

devon

You. Are. Awesome.

Reply October 15, 2014, 6:20 pm

Jennifer

I have read all the comments here, and I laughed out loud for 10 minutes at yours….it brought so much joy to me……………Ladies please take note of Jasmine’s approach we have to BOSS UP!!!!! You dont choose me, I choose you….NEXT!!

Reply January 10, 2015, 3:14 pm

hansa

Same crap just with a twist. I met a neighbor who is very cute and my age. He invited me out and we really clicked. Talked every day, had tons of chemistry but then my ex found out, he called him and kind of intimidated him. Then the guy ran away like he was on fire. In the next few days my ex called him, apologized and kind of said he wont be interfering anymore so we reconected. Well things were never the same after. He wouldn’t make weekend plans but would still constantly text me and send me pictures from wherever he was. Eventually my dumb self even went over and slept with him. I remember him saying he would never string me along – he didn’t lie. He also said he loves kids and would love to get to know my child, wth?!?. Continued to text but avoid weekends until of course valentine rolled around. 7 days no contact!! I didn’t contact him, instead I made valentine plans with someone else – lucky Im quite attractive and have tons of options. I suspect he also saw me with my new date. Eventually I left some of his belongings in front of his house, texted him I did that and his response was – I did a crappy job hope we can be friends Im working on myself – supposedly he cant connect or some other dumb excuse. My response was..- work harder, you hurt my feelings but I moved on and please leave my belongings at my door. He never responded and still has my stuff. Well the painful thing is he really lives very close to me and even though I havent seen him I see his car and he knows if someone is staying over and also I do want my stuff back- advice to everyone – never date close to where you live..

Reply March 19, 2015, 7:42 pm

Sandra

I met a guy online. We talked for almost two weeks before agreeing to meet up. (I initiated) the date or hang out went amazingly well. Prior to this we had spoken every day multiple times a day via text with funny pictures and videos and just overall how’s ur day how was work what are you doing now. It was amazing. Super low key some personal stuff but overall pretty surface and chill. I needed chill and someone who was responsive. Cuz I had recently dated a guy who wasn’t into texting or checking in and way too independent. I thought this guy was different. He always asked me details about what I was doing. Versus just saying oh ur watching a movie cool. He wanted to know what movie and knew how to keep the convo going which was a total switch from the last guy I dated who just let things die while talking on the phone or in text. The first date turned into a weekend. I met his friends and went to two different birthday parties. His friends referring to me as his girlfriend or girl and genuinely looking happy he had someone for a change. In the time we had been talking we let an entire weekend go by before meeting up and he was talking to me literally all weekend long . I felt secure he genuinely wanted to know me so we got physical when I saw him on our official first date. The next week everything was the same the same amount of talking and interest. He even started calling me on lunch hour and staying on the phone with me while he drove for work. He had dropped a phrase that he hadn’t talked like this to a girl in 7 years. Even his mom said he had recently become super talkative and she felt like he talked more to me than he did to her. Then I got concerned. It was Friday and we had such a good time and he didn’t say he wanted to hang out. He knows my work and where I live doesn’t allow for time during the week. So I figured by the weekend if we were still talking he would want to see me. I decided to ask if he wanted to hang out. He said to come by his house with him and his friend. I agreed. I get there and he hardly talks to me and is really tired and says he has to to work the next day to pick up some hours. So I leave kind of disappointed I even came if he was so out of it. He texts the next day says he’s sorry he was so out of it and glad I came by though. I think everything is good. He told me about a birthday party he was going to on Saturday. I casually ask of he wants to hang out before he goes in hopes he might invite me along or to feel out if he wants to include me but he says he already left. I tell him if he’s up for it we could hang out after. He says he will text me. He never does. Sunday rolls around I text to say hope he had fun yesterday and I was going to a little kid birthday for my niece. He says to have fun. Monday comes around he doesn’t send a good morning text. I decide to ask if we can talk later on the phone cuz I want to know where he’s at and if we should just call it quits. I name a time when I’ll be freed up from work. He agrees very nonchalant. I call he doesn’t answer. I text. No reply. Then I do a freak out text saying I guess it’s over and basically saying it was so disappointing and throw out all my issues I have had with guys and wish he could have just done me a solid to talk to me and not do this fade out act. He texts later to say he forgot I was calling and was at the gym and I need to stop overthinking things and relax. I bring up that he was shady over the weekend and I just figured he would want to hang out more since we talk so much during the week. I said I had an expectation that he would WANT to spend face to face time. He again tells me to relax and that that comment was kind of weird. I told him to forget it and just go back to his dinner as he wanted me to text rather than call. He says yeah he needs to get back to dinner. He texts me the next day good morning and brings up he’s sorry but he thought it was still weird some of the things I said. I text him like normal and we talk on the phone but everything is forced by this point. He invites me after work to see him at his place for a bit. I say I can but only for an hour and then I have to leave. It’s forced it’s awkward and just weird. I try to get past it and feel like he doesn’t even find me attractive anymore cuz he tried absolutely nothing with me. Not cuddling not a kiss and barely even a decent goodbye hug let alone sex. So I tell him the next day we needed to talk. And I would leave him alone after that. He says he’s with friends and they will be there for a while and to text instead. I try to say it’s important. He says I can text “whatever it is.” I ask him if he wants to keep talking. I lay out that I don’t think he can handle my past baggage and insecurities. He replies that he can’t and he’s sorry. But he thinks I’m a cool girl and wants to be friends. I tell him I would like to be friends but he needs to be real about it and not just say it and drop off. He agrees. Texts me the next day like normal but it’s short and not interactive and felt off. What I want to know is I know I shouldn’t have freaked out and assumed the worst. But was there ever a chance to push past the weirdness after that and make it work or was it doomed from then on? Does he maybe still have feelings for me? Am I able to ever cross over again now that we are friends cuz I don’t feel like I have gotten uglier and I know he was physically attracted to me. So has he lost all physical attraction and would never want to explore us again? Can I ask him to start over? Has that ever worked? How do I keep him interested in me without trying too hard but without letting him forget me by just not texting him at all? Is it really over?

Reply September 28, 2014, 11:42 am

Ciria

This was just wasn’t that into you. You felt it in your gut, called him out on it and he flaked some more. He told you point blank he’s not into it and only wants to be your friend. Stop trying to make it happen and move on.

Reply September 29, 2014, 2:39 pm

erika

Exact thing happened to me but this was with an ex that came back. Completely disappear and he will come back. Be aloof, busy and don’t appear needy. Have you contacted him again?

Reply October 1, 2014, 9:50 am

just me

There’s this guy, we are best of friends. He is like the most amazing friend you could ever have. He made me promise that we will always be best friends so I said yes of course we will. One day he told me that he likes me, I kinda expected it not because I want him to say it but I have this weird gut feeling that he indeed likes me more than a friend. I told him I like him as well because it’s the truth. I do like him and I can see myself with him, not only as a friend but more than that. Then one day, we talked like the usual then in the evening, I sent him a message and he didn’t respond. I told myself maybe he fell asleep and he answer as soon as he can. Then I found out that he removed me from his friends’ list and also blocked me in his other account. I don’t mind being removed in whatever social network account he has. What hurts me is, he went 360 on me, from being a sweetheart to ignoring me without any known reason. I don’t know what I said or if ever I’ve done something to him that he didn’t like. I don’t understand it or him at all. It sucks that I lost my best friend and also the fact that I told him I like him too then he disappeared. I guess I’ll never know why.

Reply September 24, 2014, 6:28 pm

stacey

this article really relates to me, as this guy i know told me he likes me one day and then the next, he just vanished without a trace. removed me from his social network accounts and ignored my messages. too bad for me, I like him a lot. I felt like I needed to hear an explanation from him but at the same time I tell myself that if he wants to talk to me, he would. I’m hurt. I just don’t get it.

Reply September 24, 2014, 3:48 pm

Marsy shahkarami

I met a guy on line he asked for my number and frim there we talked and texted regularly for 5/6 months. He lives in the same srea as me but when we met in line he was on a business cintract out of state. Regardless our chemistry was intense and he was so attentive constantly telling me how he’s “saving himself for me” and how just the thought of us seeing each other when he returns is just amazing. Until few weeks ago after being so consistent for a good 4/5 months his replies would take longer and I didn’t question him. He would text me all the same here and there but wouldn’t acknowldge my replies. Couple weeks went by and I texted him are if he’s ok and nothing so two weeks after that I trxted politely that whatever he’s chosen I wish him well. In the beginning we specifically agreed that if we want out to just say it no questions asked. I don’t understand him probably never will.

Reply September 23, 2014, 9:21 pm

Elyse

Reading everyone’s stories, and particularly the helpful replies, has been comforting in my situation. I went out with a guy 10 years ago, we both happened to live in the same state, which was not our home. I got too attached too quickly, demanded too much, and when he didn’t deliver, I broke it off. He was sad but understood I wanted more, and he wasn’t ready. Since that time he emailed once in a while, we both traveled a lot, sometimes every few months, sometimes, every few years, asking how I am, where I live, what I’m doing..I sometimes replied briefly, sometimes didn’t reply at all. Fast forward, to a year ago. We are both now 12 years older, both had a child, both are single again. Both moved, and are closer to each other now. He emails, I reply more in depth this time, we keep emailing, every few days. We flirt, reminisce, apologize for both our behaviors in the past. We develop a nice friendship, he asks about details in my life, my kid, we joke, he really wants to see me. I chicken out of meeting him a few times, he says he knows I’m scared to see him again. We meet up when he is in my town, and the chemistry is off the charts, like in the past. We talk, kiss, he seems really into me. I happen to be in his town (have close family there), he’s asking to see me, several times, but I couldn’t, had no free time. We have phone sex, write long intimate emails, fun texts..We see each other again when he’s in my town, I meet his daughter (he really wanted me to), I told him I didn’t want him to meet my son unless this becomes serious. We have a great time, joke, flirt, meet again and have sex, which was amazing. He texts me, emails me, says I’m amazing, but doesn’t try and see me again though he stayed 2 more days in my town. I email him to say good luck with a work thing that was coming up….nothing…zero contact from him. It’s been 3 weeks now. For the past year we always talked at least every few days, sometimes, more that once a day. As it was me who sent the last email, and he didn’t respond, I’m staying quiet too. Heartbroken, but silent. What happened here, I’ll never know. Any ideas?

Reply September 22, 2014, 12:08 pm

alia

It happens to the best of us and it happens to the best of them. Sometimes people just need space. It is as simple as that. Sure it’s a cowardly way to go about it, but I am not as judgy about this than I used to be. My current bf whom I love and respect did this to an ex once. He just couldn’t handle speaking to her again, even though nothing terrible happened, it was going great, actually. His self esteem couldn’t handle it. He had to “go under”. I have done it, too. A person reaching out to me, and I feel like I can’t answer them. I just freeze up. Hours go by, days, and I realize, I need this space for me. I can’t be there for them at this time, and I can;t even tell them because I can’t string 4 – 5 words together that would explain what I am going through. It would be a freaking novel, and I can’t deal with it.

Reply February 6, 2015, 4:22 pm

C.H.

This happened to me too. I met him on an online dating site. Everything was fine, I really felt that he liked me and that he wanted to pursue me. We was very attentive and kept messaging me even when he was at work. But then after a month he just started “fading away”. I asked him what’s wrong, and he said that he just felt unsatisfied with the company he was working in and that he hadn’t felt depressed again for four years until recently. I gave him some space and let myself not to be too bothered every time he wouldn’t reply to my emails right away (it took him 3-8 days before replying). This went on for a month. Eventually, he just stopped replying to my email. After two weeks, I sent him a message asking how he was (I didn’t bring up the fact that he hasn’t replied to my previous email) – still no reply. It has been almost four months now since. I disabled my profile on the dating website a month after the “no-contact”. I felt I needed a break to give myself time to heal, to reassess my goals, and to instill this mindset about dating that I’ve been learning from ANM. On the third month, I just felt I needed to know what he was up to. So I checked up on one of his social media profiles. He seems to be getting flirty and friendly with some girl. I’m amazed that I still got dumbfounded after all that time. I guess what I just really want now is to move on and completely forget about him. Although deep down I know that sometimes I still wish that someday he’ll come around. It was a painful ordeal nonetheless it was quite a learning experience.

Reply September 18, 2014, 12:49 am

wth

I’m glad i found this article too! Honestly my last situation i met a guy and were dating for like 4 months. He was awesome! he lives in a different town but he would come every so often and we would hang out every time. He was a perfect gent. Paid for everything (not that i expected it), sweet, texted back all the time, called frequently and then 2 weeks ago he asked me to meet his childhood friends so the week after he said that they were in town. I hung out with his close colleagues as well that weekend and that was fine, eveything seemed normal. Then the next day was the big day to meet his friends and he was acting so weird the whole entire time. He admitted that he was having a bad day and we all went home. He said he would make it up to me the next day. The next day comes and he tells me he’s sick and then i say that’s ok and then i ask him if hes ok cuz he seems weird. From that text, he hasn’t said anything back and its been about a week. Like y introduce me to your childhood friends and colleagues and then disappear without a trace after 4 months? He didn’t even say a word.

Reply August 23, 2014, 9:46 pm

M

This article definitely portrays what I’ve been going through the past few weeks. I met a great guy of an online dating app and things were great to begin. We both wanted to take it slow and get to know each other. Fast forward to around 6 months later, I felt that the “relationship” was not moving forward so of course I naturally asked him what are things that would help him get to the next level (not necessarily putting a title on it but at least stepping up our communication). At this point, he basically said “I guess I’m not ready for a relationship” I should’ve ran after he said that but I didn’t because he said “Maybe we can try communicating more.” Needless to say 3 days after that I started feeling he was pulling away with minimal communication on his part. He would say he would call but didn’t. He ended texting me that week telling me “I’m sorry I couldn’t get a hold of you. This week has been horrible. I will be with my friends this weekend.” I was going to leave it at that but I decided to be mature and call him a week later to cut it off. Of course he didn’t answer. All I got was a text message the next day basically saying he would call me the next day because he was busy at work. Of course he didn’t. I will admit, it hurt pretty bad and out a huge dent to my ego. I ask myself from time to time “Am I doing the right thing by not reaching out?” At the same time, I know I did nothing wrong and he was a complete coward to not come forward and tell me he wasn’t interested anymore… In a way, it was his wrong and I don’t need to sorry about anything. It just baffles me that guys at any age (He’s 36!) are still immature jerks. I honestly thought he would be the last person do that to me but I was so wrong. Slowly but surely I will start to feel 100% happy again where I don’t think about him anymore. Blogs like these are the best and help me get through my rough times! I also don’t feel alone in my situation! Stay strong ladies! It will get better!

Reply August 20, 2014, 11:34 am

Shannon

I think after six months it was high time you asked where the relationship was headed, and it should have a title by then. Even though you ended up being hurt, it was better in the long run. At least you can stop wasting your time on him. I know one would think a guy at thirty-six would be mature, but it’s been my experience that the ones that are in their thirties and ummarried (or even had been married but now divorced) tend to act more like little boys than teenagers.

Reply August 20, 2014, 12:02 pm

BLaw

I think you’re definitely right- you would have spared yourself some anguish if you had pulled away sooner.

But this story seems to me an opportunity to share one of the deep frustrations that men have with dating (for some of us it’s subconscious, but it’s definitely there), and that is that often we feel more like the object of our partner’s “nurture programming” than actually the object of someone’s affection. To state it more clearly, myself and many of my close friends have dated women who at first seem pretty wonderful, but their interest in us as PEOPLE takes a distant back seat to their interest in us as men.

What does that mean? It means there are a lot of women out there looking for a “lack of red flags” rather than a REAL connection or real reason to fall in love. Simply having a man around who is loyal and considerate might be enough for you- but those two qualities are shared by thousands and thousands of interchangeable men, and putting them on a pedestal for it won’t make them feel special- just generic. (she’s not interested in ME she doesn’t care to learn anything about me, she’s only interested because i showed up, and because i happen to be a good man).

Now I’m not saying men can’t be JUST as shallow- but there is a critical difference. Men generally aren’t eager to bet THE REST OF THEIR LIVES on a shallow relationship. Women seem ready to wear the ring even if they aren’t actually in love with the guy as a person. One of my dates recently told me she spent 6 months with a guy who was a total robot and never showed a shred of emotion, yet when he finally broke up with her she was hurt.

WHY on earth would she waste her time with a guy like that? She shrugged and said “the heart wants what it wants.” Sadly that’s BS, she wasn’t listening to her heart, she was listening to fear. Fear that nothing better would come along, fear that on her own she is not a whole person. Men and women can both smell fear- and it ain’t attractive!

I think if more people realized that LOVE absolutely-must-come-first before ANY ideas about marriage or the rest of your life, people would be a lot happier. You should NEVER want to be with someone who isn’t into you for YOU, and it’s foolish to try. And yes there are a lot of inconsiderate immature douchebags out there who give men a bad rep, just like women looking for placeholder men give other women a bad rep.

My theory works, and i stick by it- friendship, then commitment, then love, THEN and only then is there any talk about long term future plans. Going in the wrong order leads to hurt feelings and disappointment, especially if it’s rushed for fear of losing the other person or “to make sure he’s serious.” If you can’t tell whether someone is in love with you, they probably aren’t. And every single one of us is worthy of love, whole and complete, and unconditional. Expecting that for yourself will raise the bar, it just works.

Reply August 20, 2014, 1:48 pm

BCard

You are so right!! I find the older I get the more men want to force me into a wedding ring. They dont even know my emmail address or middle name and are talking about marriage. Ive started to feel like a womb with legs! Ive been told they love me after one date, and I can barely remember their names. Its this mad dash into the future, they dont even know me. I want to be loved and cherish for the wonderful woman I am, not my ability to cook and procreate. As it stands…3 years…still single, but happier alone than settling for some one who doesn’t truly love me. Thanks for the “male perspective”

Reply October 8, 2014, 9:19 am

ChiC

Where exactly do I start …..cause I am soooo hurt to the point of anger!lol
I met this guy on a dating site and liked his ‘total package’ …. Good looks, Great job and a very Confident attitude. You see, I am very sapiosexual and love to have a banter with like minds and since we both worked in similar demanding professional fields, I felt like he was the proverbial ‘One’.
At first, he would initiate contact always and sometimes first thing in the morning which seemed quite cute….. I felt he spent the night thinking about me! The Dreamer I was! Lol
Just before we met up, we were chatting about meeting up – he insisted on meeting me the next day. Sorry, I am no walkover and will not let any man give me a date to meet him without discussing it with me first, so I told him,” sorry tied up tomorrow, but is Wed or Thurs good for you? If so, we could go to this great place …maybe I can loosen you up a bit.”
That was a simple innocent suggestion and I was so shocked when he replied, “we should call things a day and move on!”. Now that that was out of nowhere…. So I replied telling him to hit the road! I also told him probably he thought I was one of the girls who said how high when he said Jump…. Sorry to disappoint, not one ounce of my self worth is dependent on his acceptance of who I am!!!
The very next day, he sent me a text that he really wanted to see me and how different I was to other girls he had met.
He kept insisting on meeting me which we eventually did and the next day he texted to say ‘ I really rang his bell’ and he really liked me, but his actions in the following days didn’t match his words. He would ‘disappear’ for the weekend and text first Monday morning ‘Good Weekend?’ , to which I will reply ,” Absolutely!” and he would then comment how absolutely beautiful I was in my ‘Whatsapp’ picture …… and those two texts will be the only contact I would have for the day.

It seemed as if the ‘relationship’ was not progressing, I didn’t know more about him than I knew on the first day and he didn’t ask questions to find out more about me.
Personally, I have always believed that no matter how much it hurts, ‘Never accept less than you Deserve’, so I started pulling back too and would only respond if he initiates contacts.
However, if you have been in this situation, you know how much it hurts when you know someone is deliberately laying games with your feelings! At a point, I had enough and I told him that it was best to call things a day and move on!

For weeks, I heard nothing from him but exactly the 21st day of my starting No Contact, he texted to ask in his words,” Tell me What you want from a guy….Honestly….No Political Corrections…Really?”. Hmmmm…, I felt probably he was open to making ‘this thing’ he had going work but it took me a week to reply that I wanted,” A man who Respect and Treat me exactly how he would want his sister or daughter to be treated”.
To this, he replied, I totally agree and do you think we just got off on the wrong foot?” I answered, I don’t know.
That was it …. He didn’t pursue the discussion and so the next day, I sent a text asking what he really wanted. He replied,” Settling Down together”. To this, I laughed and said, No I meant seriously and don’t dodge the question. He came to say obviously we can’t communicate. At this point, I felt like a child being given an empty promise just to keep me quiet so I told him, ” it’s hard to communicate in Text messages and some things were better said in person. Did he offer to meet…. No!!!! The conversation was left at that but still pondering about it, later that evening, I texted him to ask if he was married and he was like No and we kind of joked about it. However, he has ‘vanished’ again cause it’s been 4 days since so heard from him!!!
Sorry, this is long but I have never ever had a guy pull a ‘Houndini’ on me…. and yes, it does put a dent on one’s self esteem. However, how much a dent depends on how much you let it…! Does it hurt…. Of course it does!!! You wonder why would someone deliberately send mixed signals …. Even offering to go on holiday with you after only two days of chatting online!!!
Why contact me after 3 weeks only to fade out…???? Well, I guess to check if I still have the hots for him!
Initially, I felt what Is It about me what wasn’t Enough for him…. Am quite stunning, educated, with a good job and great conversation skills!!! Lol
The truth is ….. It is Not about me …. It’s All about him testing the waters on each ‘option’ he has met online! I have decided no matter how much the rejection hurts…. No one reserves the right to have a ‘foot’ in the door of my life…. You are either in or out! My feelings are hurt but I will not make a Priority, anyone who has made me just an Option.

Sorry this is so long. :)

Reply August 20, 2014, 7:04 am

J

I’ve just had this happen to me again (first time was my last relationship, over 10 years ago…I’ve only sporadically dated since then). We met on an online dating site, had been seeing each other for about 3.5 months. He’s 40, and even though I thought it might be too soon, had me meet his 6-yr-old about 1.5/ 2 months in (twice). I’m not a pushy person, and this isn’t something I suggested at all – it was all him. He also found out my birthday was soon during one of our conversations, and asked what he should get me for it…asked multiple times. As I usually have a non-memorable birthday alone (it’s mid-August, so people are always away or too busy), I was wary but it felt good to have someone I liked be interested that I have a good day. A few days before, I texted him a hello…then heard nothing. Almost a week went by, and still nothing. I feel very hurt and disappointed in myself for believing him. It would be nice to have an explanation, but I doubt I’ll get one. I know I deserve better than this treatment, but how do you get it? I know people who never have this happen to them, yet I can’t get a proper “break-up” myself. I’m too old to let this take over my life (34), but it still has me feeling so deflated and sad and teary.

Reply August 18, 2014, 8:49 am

Jujubean

Ugh. He couldn’t even be bothered to reach out after 3.5 months of dating? That is what cowards do. No way to tell what happened other than he simply sucks. You are way better off. Anyone who can disappear like that sucks badly.

Reply August 18, 2014, 9:14 am

J

Thank you, I know that’s right, but it’s still hurtful. I wish he hadn’t initiated all of the things/situations which indicate some sort of seriousness or interest (meeting a child, celebrating a birthday). I’m not fond of my birthday, nor am I a “normal” woman who fawns over all children & babies, so I would never have done either of those things without him starting them…which he did. Maybe he thought he was interested & got scared, maybe he thought he was ready for a relationship & isn’t, maybe he changed his mind, maybe he’s just an asshole. Either way, I will probably never know.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:32 pm

BLaw

unfortunately sometimes people fade away- and it’s not easy but you can’t take it personally. it’s one thing to fade after a first date- i’ve done that and i have it done to me many many times. But after such a significant period of knowing someone it becomes an incredibly childish and selfish way to do business. The thing you have to realize is that if this kind of behavior is the way this guy handles a situation like that, then you have been spared a pretty bad situation. it probably means he has zero tolerance for even the mildest sort of confrontation and simply doesn’t relate well to other grown ups when communication is key, ie awkward/emergency/emotional situations. I have a pretty large circle and i don’t know ANYWAY who would do something like that without some kind of serious instigation on the other’s part (ie you borrowed his car and wrecked it or something lol).

Be grateful it wasn’t any longer- you need people in your life who communicate out of honesty, not out of fear.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:46 pm

J

Thanks, it’s helpful to hear a guy’s point of view on this.

August 18, 2014, 8:32 pm

Sam Steris

Blaw, I would love your advise on something. Can you email me (samster6124@yahoo.com)? Would really appreciate it.

September 3, 2014, 5:04 pm

Christina

This so hit close to home!! I started online dating and met this awesome guy…we were texting literally nonstop for there days. It was so easy! We talked on the phone for almost 3 hours and there was so much chemistry there. We excitedly made plans to hang out. We talk again on the phone for another hour the next night and I am on cloud nine. All of a sudden, he gets really distant. Not wanting to be “that girl”, I just casually text to say hi. He writes back apologizing, saying I’m awesome but he “can’t do this anymore” and he is “not ready to offer anything.” Why would you be on a dating sure if you aren’t ready?? I’m so confused and cannot understand what happened.

Reply August 14, 2014, 12:09 am

Jujubean

Christina,
Did you ever actually meet him in person? I am in your situation but sort of from the opposite side & want to shed light into what may be happening. I recently joined a dating site and met with someone who’s company I enjoyed. But it dawned on me that I am not over my ex and still have unresolved feelings so it is not fair to a new relationship to keep seeing someone or investing in it if I am not completely emotionally available. This could be what happened to him. Either that or he simply decided he’s not that into you. Or there is someone else. But the bottom line is he told you point blank he is not ready to offer you anything so you need to fall back. Be glad he told you that, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear, because he could have just completely never contacted you again and done a complete disappearance on you,which I think is way worse. Get back out there and date more. He’s not the one for you. Also, I’d caution you against over-texting someone so soon on. Too much texting can burn some people out.

Reply August 14, 2014, 8:30 am

Christina

No, we never ended up meeting in person, which makes me even more disappointed. He would always say how gorgeous my pictures are and how turned on he was by me on the phone. Trust me, I never want to be the “clingy girl” and never would have kept up that level of intensity if he hadn’t given me the green light. He even remarked how crazy this was because he’s “never texted the living shit out of a girl before.” I just can’t believe that kind of connection was only in my head.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:50 pm

Jujubean

I see how you would feel hurt. My advice to you is that next time, look at actions, not words. My general feel is that if a guy is not asking to see you/wanting to meet up, he’ s not that invested. With online dating, I advocate meeting someone pretty soon somewhere in public after the initial contact. That way you can see if there is chemistry or not.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:58 pm

J

I agree with Jujubean, at least he told you now rather than later. Or even told you at all. I seem to always get the disappearing act, so whatever it is that I’m doing or not doing, I don’t know. Mine waited over 3 months and just in time for my birthday…

Reply August 18, 2014, 11:08 am

BLaw

There’s one of two things going on here- either he’s bipolar/clinically depressed (which does happen believe you me) or he switched his focus to another girl. Sadly in the early stages women and men do this to each other all the time. If i had a dime for every “awesome” first date with both of us excited to make plans later, then she cancels last minute never to be heard from again, i’d have a lot of dimes! I have done that as well- but if i MAKE plans for a second date i will never cancel last minute- just a rule i have for myself. if im not into i won’t agree to another date.

Relationships can be beautiful, but the dating part before you have a real connection can be brutal. That’s why my recommendation is to hang out as friends and get addicted to each other’s company, become genuinely interested in each other, then if the attraction is strong you can talk more openly about pursuing something and be honest about whether either of you are going to keep serial dating. Communication is EVERYWHERE these days, and that has actually made dating much more difficult- not easier. Everyone has dozens of options, and if you DON’T have a lot of options the other person will still assume that you DO, and put their defenses up accordingly.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:54 pm

hansa

Ive done this and I get how its confusing but we dont know what people have going on. He might have made up with an ex or went out with someone he likes. Im saying if you didnt have at least few dates then there is no reason to feel a guy owes you any explanation(btw Im a woman and someone just vanished on me – except he lives next door and that sucks)

Reply March 19, 2015, 8:16 pm

BLaw

women do the exact same thing to guys, even more so in fact, since women will speak based on their mood that particular nanosecond (OMG i can’t wait to hang out again! … crickets); women also cancel dates at the last minute more than men and for more ridiculous reasons (my dateless friends said some jealous crap about him and i know them better than i know him- date’s off!)

For men its generally pretty simple- your attraction at first is coupled with curiosity- if the attraction holds you will continue to explore your curiosity about her. if the attraction isn’t very strong or decreases the more you hang out (this happens A LOT) you lose interest. ghosting is the alternative to saying “I’m not really attracted to you anymore.” which would you prefer?

honesty does NOT work in early dating relationships. We have trained women to be selfish in conversation then act shocked when they are (i talked to her for two hours on the phone and she didn’t ask me a single question!). then attraction wanes because she is too self absorbed to find out about you.

my theory is that creating friendships first is ALWAYS the way to go- you build trust you explore mutual interests, and if there is attraction it can get steamy romantic and it happens to be someone you actually like. Don’t try to meet MEN or WOMEN, meet people instead. and see what happens!

Reply July 23, 2014, 4:14 pm

Jujubean

I agree that both men and women do this but still stand by that it’s rude behavior. It’s better to just tell someone you’re not feeling it then just completely disappearing on them and leaving them wondering if you are going to call/if they were so horrible of a person/meant so little that they didn’t even deserve the basic human decency of a response/communication.

Reply August 14, 2014, 8:32 am

BLaw

I agree and i did exactly that recently. After two first dates with a lively beautiful blond (middle school teacher) I had to let her off the hook. She was funny, attractive, fit, and wore glasses (i love glasses!) but her conversation skills were HORRIBLE.

Now I could have vanished on her after that goodnight kiss and ignored her texts, but instead I reached out and told her I felt like she didn’t listen when other people talk, just waited for her turn to speak and that made conversation difficult. After two dates she already seemed pretty attached, but I doubt she knew a single thing about me- she never listened when I spoke and didn’t ask me any questions. Just a regular conversation with her was excruciating.

I could have faded and ignored her, but she said she also had trouble keeping friends and I thought reaching out with honesty might help her out in the long run. She didn’t take it well of course lol (she told me she was a very good listener!!!), but maybe deep down she’ll get the message.

So I definitely believe in being honest when you can be, you might help someone out.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:57 pm

Jujubean

Good on you for telling her straight up. She may take that as a lesson moving forward in her interactions with people; to actually listen. Also, I commend you for being honest and telling her you were n’t feeling it. See? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if everyone just honestly said how they felt instead of leaving the other person hanging. Golden rules and all that.

Reply August 20, 2014, 9:01 am

Ashley

I recently met a guy online, and he was really chatting me up. Since it was online dating, I took it with a grain of salt and tried to not get too excited. He was eager to meet and planned a first date for us, which was the best date ever. We got along great and he asked me out for a second date while still on the first. The second, third, and fourth dates all went well also. He told me he was starting to like me and didn’t want to take things too fast (aka have sex too soon) which was refreshing to hear from a man for once. He then asked me to meet up with him and his friends at a bar a few nights later and I said sure. I never heard from him after the last time we hung out, not even on the day we were supposed to hang out later. I texted him asking if we were still meeting and never got a response. What the hell.

Reply July 19, 2014, 7:45 pm

Jezzy

Don’t reach out again. He told you he wanted to hang and then never reached out again nor did he respond when you sent him the last message. If he pops up again later, call him out on it. In the meantime, move on.

Reply July 21, 2014, 10:23 am

rachel

Seriously! This just happened to me! He came to my art show, met all my friends, was so supportive, and asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends for his birthday – which is tomorrow!!! But then… he dissapeared. I’m sad because I truly just miss talking to him.

Reply August 5, 2014, 12:56 am

BLaw

The problem here is you met a douchebag. This is probably what happened, and if it sounds mean and petty that’s because that’s exactly the type of guy he is.

1) his attraction to you probably wasn’t very strong; many guys do this, they multiple date and love the attention and the options. the line about waiting to have sex only makes sense if he made a serious effort to mess around in other ways (which i get the feeling he probably didn’t). He liked that you liked him, and were up to going out with him.

2) asking you out with his friends probably felt like a great idea to him at the time but with the option of other girls around, he had second thoughts.

3) being a shallow douche who was basically propping up his own confidence, he decided not to get back to you rather than say something like “my friends are bringing a couple girls out I haven’t met, and in case i’m attracted to them i decided i better not bring you”

SO in conclusion we have someone who likes the shallow dating thing so that he doesn’t feel alone, but if the attraction isn’t genuine he’ll tell her he’s not interested in sex quite yet. Sadly women do this as well, it’s the “i don’t want to be alone tonight” syndrome- and it’s not that they want to score, they’d just like some sap they’re 10% interested in to pay for dinner.

Men who are interested in YOU will be a tiny bit nervous, flirty, stare at you a lot, make plans, and most definitely try to get into your pants. If they’re interest in you is flattery over the fact that you are interested in them, they are shallow, insecure, and petty. There’s only one you anywhere, so it’s worth it to meet people you really click with!

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:05 pm

Zee

We met 8 months ago, we worked together for few months & everyone at work thought something was going on between us…he had a girlfriend at the time, so I made sure not to get attached. We would text all the time everyday. We drunk kissed at staff do but straight away we both said to forget it. 4 months ago he broke up with his girlfriend & I seem to listen to him constantly moaning about how hurt he was & lost. He changed, he became mega flirty & wanting to always hang out, making plans to go on holiday, camping etc.
The sexual tension between us was unbearable, he would every chance he got touch me or snuggle up to me but we never got past that.
Now he’s doing the disappearing act on me & he has so many of my DVDs, how do I ask for them back? I just want to disappear out of his life to.

Reply June 30, 2014, 5:40 pm

Lil Petite Princes

Sounds like he used you for an emotional crutch to get over his girlfriend.
He could be cheating on you now by going back to her to ease of the pain his ego suffered.

Reply June 30, 2014, 8:51 pm

Ruby

Zee, if he did go back to his ex, don’t take it personally. It’s probably for ex sex.
Guys love ex sex because it’s easier than taking on someone new. If it were me, I would call him and give him a time and date when I was going to go there to pick up the DVD’s. Definitely get back your DVD’s. But then you could always leave something you really don’t need there – just to see if he cares enough to call you – to get it back to you. I remember when I started to get serious with my on-again, off-again of 5 years. I invited him to leave clothes over for convenience because he was staying over often. His response was, “Oh no, I can’t do that because I’ll be getting serious then.” Yet, a few weeks ago he asked me if he could leave his Ponds at my place and left his socks for me to wash. LOL, WTH! He told me of a girl he was once seeing (a few times) who wanted to leave her blow dryer at his place. He said he read her the act and said, “Hell, no way!” If you’re looking for someone emotionally available, forget about him after you tell him why.

Reply July 1, 2014, 12:13 am

Zee

I actually think he’s having sex with someone else. Few weeks ago I would have cared cos I really liked him (even though I kept telling myself not to). I have some of his DVDs too so might just wait & see if he texts me about it. I know I’ve been used just like the past 3 guys I met, all went well, all had ex issues they couldn’t get over, then bam! disappear…change in guy types I think ha

Reply July 1, 2014, 2:41 am

Blaw

You need to be the bigger adult here, and show him that you aren’t fazed. “What we had was cute, but I’m gonna need those DVDs back!”

You can make it a joke, but keep your texts very short and keep bugging him about the DVDs, don’t bring up anything else. He’ll get the hint and snap eventually, and you’ll get em back, especially if you stick to DVDs as your topic lol. Clearly there’s a lot of better men out there for you.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:10 pm

Zee

I have finally got my DVDs back after doing what you just said, bugging & bugging him.
I don’t miss him, I don’t hate him, I just got fed up of wasting my time on him…

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:22 pm

BLaw

nice work! yeah much better to enjoy life around people who energize you, than drain your energy around people who suck. well done

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:30 pm

chichi

I’ve known a guy for 6 months now. In the first months, he seems like he’s not that interested because he rarely texts me, so I never text him first. I guess I got him when I pretend that I don’t like him. Few weeks more, we hang out a lot and even had intimate times together. Got the chance to get closer. Weeks of never ending texting if we were not able to see each other. After some times, somethings changed. He can go for days without remembering me. Text or call. If I don’t initiate, he wont reply. Even accused him of having someone else, but he tried to explain that he’s just busy about his work. I did tried to understand. But the following days, he remains the same. He’s having a lot of alibis. So I confronted him about being so unavailable. I accused him again that there is something wrong. He never text me back. I never text him too. He never keep his promise also that he will make time to see me before he leaves. (leaving for 1 month vacation out of country) I never hear anything from him again. He will come back soon. I dunno if he will meet me after one month or will just ignore me totally. I was thinking to finally cut the possible communications to save myself from expectation. Or I will leave my communication open and wait for his call or text?

Reply June 28, 2014, 6:34 pm

Ruby

chichi, snip, snip. get the scissors and cut him out of the picture you are trying to make for him. doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of this anymore so set yourself free from him. you probably won’t want to, but trust me later on you will thank me. if you keep making yourself available, he will simply take advantage of you and it could go on for years where you become FB’s. Don’t do it. You will hate yourself when you realize you gave him control when you could have and should have dumped his worthless, selfish, uncaring ass instead. Sorry, but you should move on and forget about him. He sounds emotionally unavailable. Flip the tables, you ghost on him, permanently, Save your energy.

Reply June 28, 2014, 11:42 pm

Chichi

Update: before he left he send message that he was sorry that we didn’t had chance to spend more time before his vacation. He said that he was just too busy about his work and he wants us to stay in touch while he’s away. I didnt know that message because it happened that I deleted my account on whatsapp so when we got the chance to text each other thru bbm, thats the only time i read that message after 8 days. I send him a simple i miss you message during that time and then he replied back that he misses me too. During this month of his vacation, its just once that we talked via bbm and i was the one who started the conversation. After that i never message him again because i feel like that i never even got into his head this whole month while he’s away. I don’t want to text him again because I don’t want to remind him that I still exist, i am hoping that one of these days, he will be reminded of me and at least text me. And if not, I dunno how will I act when he comes back because right now, Im losing interest on him. I just don’t know how will I tell him.

Reply July 20, 2014, 8:27 pm

BLaw

To use the expression you need to find a “grown ass man” lol. This guy isn’t man enough to handle the situation like an adult, so you’re going to have to be the adult. Let him go, and realize that he has absolutely nothing to offer you because you aren’t interested in this kind of treatment.

You can do better, a lot better.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:13 pm

Chichi

Thanks! Its been 20 days since I cut off my communications to him. He knows where to find me if he’s still interested. Though sometimes it hurts when I think about the good times we spent. But Im not letting it distract my silence on him. Gonna give myself a treat after i finished my 1st month of NC with him.!

Reply August 20, 2014, 4:25 pm

lola

This is a good article, but shit is a lot easier said than done. I mean, how do you go out of your way to get my number from someone else, flirt with me at work text me and call me beautiful and make plans to hang out and shit then just out of no where you stop talking, you dont even want a hug from me any more, and you quit your job on top of thay now i really wont be able to see you anymore. I mean..I didnt want a relationship and neither did you…so why didnt we do it and just leave it at that? Why did you give up before we got to that part when that was the point (atleaat thats what I was hoping lol) in the first place, why did you even waste time talking to me if you were just going to give up? The only reason im hurt is because I got what I wanted taken away from me; the perfect looking guy and bang his brains out. Now that I was so close, I almost want to chase it untill I get it. Ughhh. I feel like I will never get over it.

Reply June 18, 2014, 11:27 am

Ruby

Hi Lola, You really said it all and hit the nail on the head. Exactly how I feel too. “Why didn’t we do it and just leave it at that?” Why all the chase? I am now convinced that these type are emotionally unavailable men who only enjoy playing games to see if they can still get the girls interested. They are only seeking that satisfaction. And boom, the minute they realize we are interested they feel the “control” they seek, and boom, ghost on us. In reality they are emotional vampires. We are better off giving up on them and not ourselves by chasing after them or pinning over them. I’ve been going through an on-again, off-again situation with one for 5 years. The only reason why I do that is because I feel comfortable with him. At least I thought I did but I am tiring of his games. I realized it is all about his need to feel in control – that he can take it or leave it. I used to blame it on the alcohol and all his stress in his life and make excuses for him. And that is a narcissist or borderline personality disorder. Don’t waste your time girl, you are better than that. And the best part is that after all the chasing, when they do get close enough they tell you, “You deserve better. I am a screw up.” Or they friend zone us. I had one who wanted me to be his angel while HE pinned over his ex of 4 months. Yes, lol, 4 months. He wanted me to be his lookout if we hung out that night because he couldn’t handle being in the same place as her. Be thanking he walked away when he did. Before you got really addicted to the game. These are the type who really can’t appreciate us so even if we took it further, we would probably still get that ghost end result. And then we’d be pissed, instead of confused.

Reply June 18, 2014, 1:57 pm

Me Again

Spot on Ruby.

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:30 pm

Me Again

Lola, if you are certain ALL you want is someone to **** then by all means, call the guy up and tell him so. He will be at your doorstep within a few minutes. I’m yet to find a man who wouldn’t no matter what the girl looks like.

However, you need to think very very deeply if this is what you want. Going down this path because something is better than nothing can actually make your heartbreak so much more intense, so bad that it causes some women depression.

The fact you wrote, I may never get over it, tells me you like the idea of the emotional intimacy which is why I wrote the second paragraph. It appears you want the closeness of emotional intimacy and **** buddies will give you the opposite.

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:28 pm

BLaw

It’s painful to be in that situation but what you’ve got here screams “pre-existing condition” lol, as in he probably has an ex somewhere that came back into the picture. If he met someone new that was competition for you, since he wasn’t officially your boyfriend chances are he would try to hang out with you also- at least for a while, instead of suddenly going cold.

So if it’s not an ex it’s probably some personal issues that were around before you came into the picture (the job might be an indication). The best thing you can do is NOT take it personally; you think about him a lot while he probably is completely preoccupied with something else- i doubt very much he sits around thinking about not liking you anymore.

This guy isn’t very good at juggling his adult responsibilities- he should have communicated with you a lot better, but he’s afraid or uninterested in that so he just fades away. You should let him go and wish him the best in whatever personal career/ex/crisis/personal issues came up. You’re probably more grown up than he is in general.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:17 pm

Mari

So glad I found this article!! I thought I was the only one who had this problem of men being interested in me and then vanishing into thin air! My latest situation that really bothered me was I was talking with this guy for about 2 weeks and we were talking everyday an he was very responsive and it was like a breath of fresh air, talking to a guy that actually has a good conversation back to me. I enjoyed talking with him a lot and he told me that he enjoyed it too. We never saw eachother yet and we made plans to see eachother on a Saturday. He had talked about how excited he was to see and meet me and get to know me. I was so happy those 2 weeks and silly me thought that maybe this could be the start of something good . Well little did I know the night before we were suppose to meet was the last night I would talk to him. Told him id contact him in the morning and I txte him a few times and no reply . I really was in shock and didn’t think he was like that at all . He even told me how much of a straight up guy he was . Hah . Funny . Anyway I was in denial and thought maybe something happend and he’d contact me the next day apologizing and making plans again to meet.y would he act so interested to just go Mia?!

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:00 pm

KatrinaT

OMG,,,r u serious??Was this guy’s name Randy by any chance?Coz i just literally read my story in yours!!!!

Reply June 16, 2014, 12:28 am

Me Again

I’m so sorry you and so many women are going through this. I’ve been heartbroken for the first time only recently and it’s devastating so I feel like I need to hug anyone going through it.

Maybe he has a short attention span like a child and saw something shiny and got distracted. Maybe it’s your angels looking after you, making sure you see him for the immature gronk he is instead of letting your heart get devoted to him only for him to do this down the line when you’re deeply attached.

Follow the articles advice (Eric and Sabrina know their stuff. I have followed their advice for years and it’s always been spot on). I’m pretty confident he will be back and then you can tell him you’re not into games….see ya.

I think a new red flag should be if a man tells you something like I’m a straight up guy, RUN FOR THE HILLS, because a guy who has to tell you this is not a straight up guy (even if he genuinely thinks he is, he isn’t!!!)

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:17 pm

Claire

This exact same thing just happened to me to! Talking every day for nearly a month, had planned to meet up then he cancels at last minute. I told him I like him, and he said he’s really interested too….then suddenly, nothing. No contact at all! Sick and tired of getting upset, just feel really frustrated now. Men are such wimps, why can’t they just be honest in the first place?! Thrill of the chase…. :-(

Reply July 2, 2014, 5:43 pm

BLaw

Guys like this make dating a lot harder for the rest of us. This guy has HUGE insecurities i’d wager, and if you had never actually met it’s probably something as simple as fear that you wouldn’t like him, so he pulls the plug himself and retains control. If you had never met in person it may be that he doesn’t look ANYTHING like what you imagined and was unwilling to go through with a personal meetup.

If he actually lost interest in YOU it would have been a bit less sudden (if he’d met someone else he would have gone cold much sooner, and if he’d met her right before your date he still would have shown up, the more the merrier!)- but that doesn’t seem like the situation here- guys can’t wait to meet women. We love women, we want to be close to them and a chatroom or texting ain’t gonna cut it.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:23 pm

A

We were very close for a few months. He always had a bad temper, we’ve fought too many times but we never ended things. That night we had a huge fight again, over a petty issue (courtesy his bad temper) He sent me a text saying “I blocked your number” I did the same. Blocked him on whats app as well. We ended up blocking each other every where – Facebook, whats app, phone calls. Initially I felt he can’t just forget how supportive I have been over a petty thing and accept his mistake, apologise (in fact I tried to mend things although it was his fault) I thought our bond was stronger than that. But no, days passed and he didn’t care. How I deal with it? I have accepted the situation, the reality. He is gone. He won’t be there anymore. But the truth is that I can’t trust a guy who can walk in and out over any silly things. I don’t want such a guy in my life. So, I am not crying over him. I am definitely not someone who will lose confidence over such things. I know I am awesome and he needs a lot of growing up to do. Ladies, never ever feel you weren’t good enough! Don’t let anybody steal your confidence. God bless! xx

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:54 am

BLawson

sometimes the wrong relationship ends with a fireball. you know in your heart when it’s wrong- and women have huge hearts! They have a lot more patience for men than most men deserve; you certainly don’t need a man with a severe temper around- there’s millions of us without that particular handicap. kudos for moving on and being strong about it. Time for an upgrade!

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:26 pm

Lori

So I’m in this situation right now…we met went out a few times and like on the 4th or 5th date he was telling me he loved me. I remember stopping him and telling him no, no you don’t. Anyway a couple weeks later I started feeling that I loved him. So bout 3 months total I find out he wants to get back with his ex who left him for someone else. That didn’t happen and so I was there. Long story short he was not over her cuz it’d been only about a month since they split. Well I am pregnant and so it makes it much more harder to just accept a disappearance! It was not planned at all as u was in birth control and didn’t want any more kids(I have 3 of my own)We will be tied because of this baby so how do you deal with that?? Anyone??

Reply June 10, 2014, 4:00 pm

OMG

I’m so sorry you found yourself in this situation.
You have only one issue you should be focusing on right now and that is, can I look after this baby on my own or do I even want this baby.
His fickelness so early is a bad sign. If you try to look over this as a confused man or whatever other excuse we give to men we are attracted to, you and your children will suffer.
He is not a stable person and MAY never be. Dont rely on him to turn into a Disney Prince and save you. He is too selfish for that. Right now he is trying to mend his heart (erhem ego) by going back to the ex that crushed his ego.

You have a small window of opportunity abort a child if that child is going to be in an unstable home. Are you going to be a mentally stable mother….if not consider what you should do….keep the baby, abort the baby or adopt out the baby. Dont waste another thought on him and his ex girlfriend.

Sorry I had to be so blunt but during heartbreak we seem to be deaf, blind and somewhat insane. Almost everyone on this website understands that feeling.

Reply June 11, 2014, 8:57 pm

Simstar

I agree. You have to think of you, your children and your possible future child not him!

Reply June 11, 2014, 8:58 pm

april

Perfect timing! I really needed to read all of these comments. Long story short, met this guy a month ago. We dated heavily within the month, 12 dates to be exact. He introduced me to all his friends on date 2 and met my sister on date 6. I have to say he was pretty eager from the first date. He did a lot of “future” talk and would tell me he really liked me.He tried to see me as frequently as possible and we would text practically every day with a few phone calls in between. Well, I figured I would step up and invite him to dinner last week, which he cheerfully accepted. The day of the date he sent a cancellation text. Ok , no biggie, as this had not happened before. He said we would get together sometime that weekend; that didn’t happen. Two days ago, I decided to text him to see how he was doing and to wish him a great final week of school…you guessed it… nothing! Needless to say, I am thoroughly disappointed by this. I guess a red flag on first date was he talked about the ex cheating on him?! She lives in another state, by the way. He was the one to say on the first date, that if either one of us didn’t want to see one another at some point to just tell the other person. So much for communication! He did tell me once that it hurt him a little that I didn’t text him for two days after one of our dinner dates. I told him that I didn’t mean to offend, but I was letting him lead and didnt want to bother him. He said I thought I gave you the green light to reach out to me. Needy? Insecure? I am in disbelief and disappointed. A part of me wants to reach out and acknowledge that we werent exclusive, but I thought he valued communication and was under the impression he would have extended that courtesy to say not interested or whatever… what do you think?

Reply June 5, 2014, 11:13 am

Elizabeth

April,
He clearly has issues, and you don’t need his issues to become your issues. You need to find a man, not a boy. If a guy wants to be with you, he will show you he wants to be with you. There will be nothing to wonder about. Don’t waste another minute thinking about him and don’t text him again!!

Reply June 11, 2014, 9:49 am

snails

I am used to this. I have seen my guy friends do this as well.

The first guy who went ghost on me had another girl. We talked like everyday and then all of a sudden, he vanished. It took me a long time to recover since I got attached to him emotionally by talking with him a lot. Now that I know he is just a jerk, I am just sorry for the girl he is with.

And one of my guy friends did it. He had sex with her and had great dates several times, but then she showed her craving to be in a relationship which he didn’t want at all. and he freaked out and ran away. And the girl got so crazy over this, and she came to his house and made a fuss about it.

As seen above, it has nothing to do with you when a guy does that, so girls! let’s just take it as a good lesson and move on. ahha I think a guy i have recently dated is doing this to me now, and I just deleted his number and all. I just take this as God is preventing me from assholes before I get any more attached to them lol

Hope yall be fine

Reply May 28, 2014, 11:43 am

Sally

It was 10 months ago,
I had a crush on this guy for a really long while on social media and I followed him on facebook, out of curiosity and i didnt even talk with him. I just kept my feelings hidden. He sent me a msg weeks later thanking me for the follow. You could guess how I reacted! :p I was really happy and joyous (am 19 years old, and can still act childish if I get over happy!) 😛 we started talking. I was being friendly. Apparently OVER friendly and i most probably appeared clingy. I wasnt really experienced with men and I didnt have any prior knowledge on the whole dating-men etiquette so I know I was the one who ruined it. Anyways! We kept talking and eventually we exchanged numbers. We met up for a cup of coffee and here is the funny thing 😛 I still laugh about it till now, even though it was 10 months ago! ) He gave me his house address, out of a joke, and I delivered cakes to his home..personally, before I invited him off for a cup of coffee. So you can say he went on a date that he didnt plan off. He cut me off and ghosted out totally after that. I started blaming myself for being so ridiculous and silly and stupid. I still do, everytime I remember him, even after nearly a year. Looking at it, its like a black-comedy. It hurted me so much since i got ghosted out. Like, you could text me and say it directly, I wouldnt mind. But at the same time, the way I got lost in the area and was too egotistic to call him for directions was pretty hilarious. I had high hopes, i thought guys like these “acts”. He most probably thinks am a whore and stalkerish. Though, i still applaud myself for my excellent stalker-ish skills (LOL)

So in summary, I learnt that no guy is ever worth baking cakes for 😀

Reply May 17, 2014, 5:07 pm

Sydney Girl

Your stalkerish ways are adorable. It comes from a good place but it appears you have learned a valuable lesson and that’s to back off a bit and let a man chase you.

They love the hunt and your baking so soon (and more so the delivery of those cakes) simply dampened the fun for him and he values hard to get.

Neither good or bad, just the way it is.

I would suggest you look at the more introverted type who dont have lots of options and they will love every second of your Disney like lovely personality.

Reply June 4, 2014, 9:05 pm

Pinupgrl

I am very happy I ran across this page.

I have been talking/seeing this guy 9 months and what started out as a fling to me turned into something much more than I had expected. We have been through some major emotional situations with each other. One being he gave me a STD and wasn’t aware that he could pass it on to me (Or was he thinking it would never happen to him?) We continued to talk/see each other and then out of the blue he told me he was in Love with me?! Then a few weeks later he expressed that he was moving to his parents 3 hours away to get his life together.I accepted that because I understand when you fall you need help and that was his goal getting his life back on track. At the end of Jan he moved and we continued to text each other every day and then a week before Valentines I found him back on the dating site we had met on (I knew better then) . We argued got angry with each and came to a mutual agreement/resolved so therefore I thought things were good between us. He had stated that he needed me in his life stating I was such a positive impact and that he valued that and needed my friendship. He also stated to me several times that I deserved something so much better than him and that he wasn’t relationship material.Then until a month and half ago. He then sent a text stating that “he hasn’t forgotten about me and hope all is well.” In response I stated “Never crossed my mind that you had. Hope you are doing good as well.” I thought that everything was fine and normal. I understand life happens being that we are both in our 30’s working etc. I then was being goofy one night and had sent him a text thinking everything is grand and his response was “who is this?” Now here is my question Ladies and Gentlemen why when everything seemed to be fine and normal would he delete my number? Did I respond incorrectly? Is he trying to prove that he can forget me?! I questioned it but he never responded. Then about two weeks later he deleted me on FB. This sent me over the edge and I have gone into a depression. I am guilty, I questioned that as well and yet still no answer. I am no longer going to send him messages because I get the hint. But, it is a bit harder for me because he gave me a gift that keeps on giving. I think that I am having a harder time with this because of the STD issue. The fact he can go out and date and not care and I am still very emotional about it. I now come with a warning label if you want to date me. I normally get over things pretty quickly but this I am having a very hard time with.
Lost and confused.

Reply May 1, 2014, 5:06 pm

Pinupgrl

To clarify I wasn’t aware that he had an STD. He didn’t disclose of that until I had to ask him.

Reply May 1, 2014, 5:26 pm

Elizabeth

Pinupgrl,

I’m sorry this happened to you. I think this guy has a lot of issues he needs to deal with – and that he doesn’t even seem to be aware of. If he is passing along an STD, that really says all you need to know about him. It is really unfortunate that this is something you now have to deal with, but I would advise you to use this as a lesson. There are people out there who don’t care about anyone except themselves, people who are cold and cruel, and this guy sounds like one of them. Please, please don’t give him one more minute of your life – even through your thoughts. I know that’s easier said than done, but please try – even if just for me, some stranger on the internet. We women have got to stop giving these guys power – karma will catch up with him one day, so please don’t be depressed over a worthless boy.

Reply May 2, 2014, 10:49 am

Cynthia

I met a guy at the grocery store, he’s the manager of the meat department… Every time I would go in he would make small talk, the more I saw him and talked to him the more attracted I was. He analyzes everything. He barely looked me in the eyes while talking, kept looking me up and down inspecting everything. There was a picture was posted with his name. So, I looked him up on Facebook. Since he works at the store I get my groceries from I used a different picture.. Very immature, I know!! I think I was worried about how awkward things would be. I don’t know! Anyways he have me his number and we talked for the next day or two. I did end up telling him who I really was and yes he was a little weirded out that I lied I the beginning, but things seemed to be fine between us. He invited me to meet him up at the gym, he was very flirty, very touchy, in between sets he would come talk to me. I played it cool didn’t go running to him, but made sure he knew I was interested. At the end of our workout he sends me a text telling me he noticed I painted my toes.. and wanted to see them! As in, send a picture…lol I have nice feet and it wasn’t a big deal. I was getting a lot of playful teasing via text. Things were going well, We planned on getting together on the weekend. Randomly the next day I get a message. Saying kindly delete my number, he’s started talking to his ex, then changed the reason to he has enough friends. Fine, no big deal I deleted his number. I saw him at the store later that night avoided him. He came up put his hand on my back and said hey stranger. I saw him at the gym the very next day. I didn’t make eye contact, but from the corner of my eye I could see him trying to get my attention. I messaged him via Facebook and politely said. You asked me to delete your number, you wanted no contact… So don’t go out of your way to talk to me. I’m not playing games… Now he’s totally avoiding me, getting someone else to help me at the counter.
I am SO confused!!!! What is his deal and is there anyway to fix it??
Sorry it’s long and confusing but I tried to give as much information as possible

Reply April 4, 2014, 3:09 pm

Jennifer

so I really like this new guy I met he likes me and his day s are busy with school work and some other stuff so I write something cuz he hasn’t written me so I txt him ssayinh hi how are u hope ur not workin ya self to hard lol but I did want to ask u a question u can call or txt .nite later and he texts me back saying
Hola señorita (it means hello miss)I’m doing a paper right now we can text wassup? So I ask
Just wondered what made u see that made u say that I seem like a nice girl ( personally in your opinion) I meant to ask this when we first started texting ?

after that question I wrote how come hasn’t he answers me its been two days and he hasn’t replied so iam wondering since he was finishing up his paper waist because he’s super busy or did he lose instreasted in me after that question I asked him and why I really like him did I chase him away with something I asked him??

Reply February 27, 2014, 8:31 am

Elizabeth

Jennifer,

Move on. Please save yourself further heartache and move on. No one is so busy that he/she can’t reply to a text. No one. There are so, so, so many guys in the world and you have to find one that will pursue you, and trust me, he’s out there. I know it’s really hard, but please don’t waste any more time on this boy.

Reply February 27, 2014, 10:41 am

Jezzy

Went on five dates with a guy and really was into him. I felt an immediate spark when we met and he asked me out soon after that. Well…after the last time (a really great date that lasted for hours and had some really amazing kissing/making out), he has gone poof. We were in touch a bit after that but it was me initiating and I invited me to hang, he said he was out of town, then I reached out again one more time and he, for the first time ever, did not respond to me at all. It’s been weeks since then and I’ve not heard from him neither have I reached out. And I won’t. Because I am not into chasing people. It does suck though, I admit, because I thought he liked me and I was really taken with him.

I will never understand why people do this. It is rude and classless.

I had been out with a guy (another guy) myself who I figured there was no spark with after two dates and some talking. When he reached out again to me I told him that I did not think we should go out again because I didn’t feel we were a match/were compatible. Easy peasy.

It’s not hard to do.

People should treat others as they want. Nobody likes to be ghosted.

Reply February 19, 2014, 11:37 am

Nikki

Oh of course I have had guys pull the vanishing act on me. Especially the one I feel the most for. And usually what I do is pull back and give them a dose of their own medicine. Most people don’t like when you do that, especially a guy who is used to you giving him attention as if he is a movie star. Lol Now usually when I give him a dose of his own medicine, he eventually comes sniffing around wondering why and wants to know how I could possibly be living without his presence. By the time he does come back around the tables have been turned because now I’m not as interested as I once was because you treated me like an option. Is that playing games? Mmm, I say no, because I don’t play around with feelings because I don’t like to be played with. I just simply do me and the guy usually figures out that he can’t treat people that way because you can lose out on something awesome all because he wanted to be a jerk.

Reply February 18, 2014, 8:46 am

ChiC

????????????????????????????????!!!!
I wish there was a LOVE button for this!!! I pull back too cause I believe No matter him much it hurts…… I have too much a Self Respect to serve as anyone’s entertainment!!!! So hit the road….!!!!
It doesn’t matter that If it hurts like Hell but I am not going to pursue any man!!!

Reply August 20, 2014, 7:57 am

lina

Hey guys,

I don’t generally ask for advice about my relationships ( this isn’t a relationship) since I am super reserved, but I’ve found this website helpful and needless to say I am CONFUSED. So 3 nights ago I went dancing and hit it off with the bartender in a small joint. During the night I’d went up to the bar three times and all times he served me, we held eye contact and smiled, on my last drink I finally got the courage to tell him I thought he was a cutie I was attracted because he seemed so casual, comfortable in his skin but in no way cocky or overly flirty. He replied saying ” I had been meaning to tell you the same thing” and at one point he also asked if I had come with my bf. Anyway back to the last drink service – I asked him to dance but he replied he couldn’t since he was working but would on his day off. I shrugged my shoulders and danced the rest of night :). Ok, so as I’m salsaing with this guy ( who btw I was not interested in, strictly dancing) the bartender put a piece of paper into my hand and asked if I remembered his name- of course I did. I ended up leaving with my gf 20 min before the resto bar closed. I didn’t look for him, nada. I was confident I’d see him again. I texted 1.5 days later, we texted back and forth a little, he compliments me on my dancing asks if I could teach him, than he takes 2 hours to respond- whatever could be busy. Hours later he texts suggesting we meet for a drink sometime at this point I’m caught up and end up texting a few hours later but I apologize for the late reply and say It’d be nice to meet up. Its been an entire night and all day and nothing. Whats up?

Reply November 9, 2013, 8:47 pm

candy

Hi,

I met a very young handsome and extremely wealthy guy. We chatted for a month or two and then I went to his house and we had sex. We wanted to talk about getting exclusive and I was a little bit pushy and impatient about it. He is very reserved and talks very little and this attitude irritates me. I asked him severally if he didn’t want to be me. He told me not to leave but I couldn’t stand this his Always busy reserved nature so.. I deleted his number and ended things in my mind. But the problem here is that I was inlove, he is my every breath .. so I did everything to get him back . I bought books upon books be a guy magnet… Helped me get him back and I bought different books to get him to be open to me and guess what he is more open and we are enjoying our relationship. I will say this guy is one of the most complicated guy on the planet .. u need a lot more than beauty nbrains to get across to him . I am glad I am reading .. fowisdom lies in learning.. cost me money but I am getting value for my money… I had already lost hope we will ever be together

Reply October 27, 2013, 4:18 am

Ori

Every individual is a little unique and it is quite unfitting to pack all men in the same bag. Although we do share some similar patterns, we are all different given our familial, cultural, and even racial background. I am a dude who admittedly has shied away from many relationships that were apparently working great. I know I have hurt the ladies in I was involved with; but give my own unique background, it was all for their own good that I decided to run away. Currently there is this young and fine co-worker of mine that I like a lot and who likes me even more. She is as sweet as they come, pretty, and very dependable. A lots of guys would die for her, and I ought to be fighting the universe to keep her. But, I would rather avoid her and try o pretend that I do not care at all about her despite my strong feelings for the lady. Why am I doing that? She is ready to be my little queen and will certainly make me happy! Here is what many women do not understand about some of us men. We sometimes love you so much that we think we do not deserve you! Thus we cut off and run rather than face the reality of hurting you in a face to face situation. That might appear strange and downward pitiful, but it is a fact! A guy can actually like a girl so much that he do not want her to discover his emotional, financial and other personal baggage and struggle he might be dealing with. He might be struggling with alcohol or drugs, he needs money, is dealing with debt, has families issues to fix up and a whole host of problems that are difficult to deal with. The man cave is therefore a mean to put things in perspective, an escape route! I like this young lady and I will be distraught if she meets someone else! But I feel as if I am not capable, on many grounds, to make her happy! She deserves a lot better than my ” bullshiets” and keeping her at bay is in many way my expression of caring for her. I am trying to get my life together, hope she understands; but, the reality is that I can’t stop thinking about her! I am all serious around her when the fact of the matter is that I am a joker and a funny type of guy! I try my best to make her forget about me while simultaneously burning and dying on the inside! I was abused and witnessed abuses as a kid! I have always held women in esteem and consideration and I never want to be in a position of hurting a woman! Thus, when a woman gets too close to me, I panic for I feel as if I will repeat the same abuses that I have witnessed growing up! I am a great friend but I have seen so many relationship failure that I much prefer to keep distance when things gets too hot! That’s my own unique situation ladies and, let’s be clear: all guys are not the same and often than not, a man will run to the hill and hide because he realizes that he truly cares about you. If he didn’t, he will try to use you for his pleasure and let you off the hook!

Reply October 8, 2013, 2:55 am

Jade10

Ori, thank you so much for your sincere comment! You’re absolutely right. We shouldn’t pack all men in the same bag, it’s unfair and untrue.

Reply October 15, 2013, 8:11 pm

Britt

It’s not fair, you’re being selfish. If she’s feeling you no matter what you’re going through what you’ve been through she wants to be there. I’m going through this with a guy and it’s so not fair that he pushes me away because I WANT TO BE THERE. I want everything he have to offer, idc what baggage he have, he shouldn’t deal with it alone, I WANT TO BE THERE. My heart is broken because he won’t let me in, he won’t talk to me, he ignores me but I know he care, I know he want me to be there, I can tell in the way he hold me, touch me, look at me. It’s just not fair.

Reply February 5, 2014, 10:11 am

Sarah

I’m am kicking myself going through all these comments and realizing the best thing to do after a ‘break up’ is to end contact.

Around 7 months ago I started talking to an old friend I’ve have know since I was 12 (I’m 18 now) we were great friends and talked a lot almost every day for a few years. Regardless of living in the same town we never hung out together because I was always too shy to meet him. During our friendship I knew he had a crush on me but never pursued it for fear of having to meet him in person, so when he started talking/dating a friend of mine I backed off and ended contact with him. He sent me numerous messages and even had his girlfriend ( who use to be a friend) ask me why I quit talking to him. Eventually he gave up and 3 years passed. I would often think about him and wish him happy birthday every year but one he failed to receive and the second time we started texting again for about a week. This year I wished him happy birthday again through a friends Facebook and a few days later he gave me his number telling me to text him. We talked all day and night up until 10 am the next morning. We texted every single day almost all day for a month straight. During this first month maybe a week or two weeks of talking I decided to skip my afternoon class and go to his house which was right down the road from my high school. This was the first time I met this man up close and talked to him in person in 6 years. I only stayed for 20 minuets or so before leaving again and I was surprised by what he looked like. Not that he portrayed to look like someone different but he wasn’t what I thought. Regardless we continued talking and hanging out for another month even to the point of me spending the night at his house after my prom. Very early into our relationship he told me how much he cares for me and that he even loves me.. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before so I was hesitant on what I felt but said I cared for him too to spare his feelings. The more and more we were together I found myself becoming very attracted to him and thinking that I could even love him. being a bit insecure I would pick fights with him for no reason and tell him that I doubt his feeling for me.. Needless to say this caused a lot of problems. From the first night we started talking he told me about his drug use of heroin and how he only did it occasionally when he got paid. I told him (before we started becoming more serious) I couldn’t continue talking to him in a romantic sense because of his drug use..so he told me he would quit for me which I believed. Eventually he started becoming more distant during our 3rd month of talking and after one month of not seeing him (the last time being my prom night) I went over his house to hang out. I could tell from his pupils he was using again and I was a bit standoffish that night which he realized and I told him I was leaving where before I basically would not willingly leave until I absolutely had to. That night was the last time I seen him in almost 4 months. During the 3rd and 4th I tried to keep talking to him trying to figure out why he was so distant and what was going on. The 3rd month was the last time he told me he loved me and he eventually stopped replying to my text messages. Also during our relationship his phone would act up to where we wouldn’t receive each other’s texts and would have to download texting apps to continue talking. So I was unsure of which of my broken-hearted hate filled texts he was getting. So I messaged him on Facebook basically telling him to tell me right then what was going on and that I obviously still wanted him and could not take a hint so to tell me how he felt. He read it and never replied so I took it as he no longer wanted a relationship with me so I ended contact. 11 days (5th month) later he texted me apologizing and saying how stressed out he was and how he thought I hated him and how he hated him so I replied out of concern. The conversation died quickly but I was just happy he was talking to me again and through out the 5th month I would text him maybe once every few day to talk and he usually would reply but with hours of time in between and not replying back after so long. During the last day of the 5th month I drank a bit too much at a graduation party and texted him. I asked him if we would ever be together again and he said he couldn’t be with me because of his drug addiction I eventually ended the conversation with saying I f**king hated him. And we didn’t talk at all for the 6th month until the last week where I contacted him. This month being the 7th I have talked to him every few days with usually me contacting him first but sometimes him too. During this talking he has said he has missed me and how he liked when I would be sleeping next to him because it would relax him. These are about the only ‘good’ signs he has giving me along with being flirty but more recently when talking he takes forever to reply and just doesn’t finish the conversation. As you can see I’m not over him and maybe if I would of ended contact in the beginning things would be different but I very much would like to have a second chance of being with him. My question is knowing the background what should I do? I do not want to play games anymore and only put in as much effort as him and wait until he contacts me but I feel as if this is the only way. I definitely don’t want to just give up and move on because I feel as if our relationship is very unfinished. What I want to do is to straight up ask him his feeling because if I know for sure he is uninterested it will be easier for me to end contact again. This is the road I’ve usually taken with him but I don’t want to rush things and feel I should continue talking to him a bit longer before trying to see if he’s interested in starting something again. I feel as if I no longer mean anything to him and this is very hurtful and heartbreaking. I just don’t know where to turn and I want to make the best decision for myself and my interests. I feel as if I could love him if we had a longer time together but I do very much care for him. I think I’m going to give time a chance, letting him miss me and see if he come back but I would like to hear everyone else’s opinions! I’m tired of being uncertain and heart broken!

Reply October 7, 2013, 5:05 am

Sarah

Sorry for such a long post! I’ve had a bad night with him and just needed to vent a bit and also wanted to give enough information so I can try to justify putting so much energy and time into this situation lol!

Reply October 7, 2013, 5:09 am

Amanda

I actually recently experienced this so-called “vanishing act” with a man I’d been seeing. He had begun to tell me he was falling in love with me, and spoke of a future (kids, white picket fence, the whole ordeal). Just as I started to allow myself to fall for him, he began to lessen up on the contact and would take hours (if not days) to respond to a text message. I don’t ever over-do texting or calling, simply because I’m busy and don’t really have time for technology- it’s just my (type B/ laid back) personality. After a while, though, I began to start to suspect that he was drifting away from me, and when he did contact me, I asked him about it. He told me that he wanted to continue on the path that we were on, so you can imagine my relief and elatedness at the idea of being able to start back on this path that he and I were on, but then two days later told me that he just wanted some space to think about where he wanted to be relationship wise. I respected this and gave him space. After about a week, I did attempt to contact him, and he told me he was on the phone with someone else but would call me a half hour later. He never called, so I decided to text him the next day to end things.

The reason I’m sharing this with you guys is that I think it’s important not to lash out at someone in these circumstances. I respectfully told him that I was going to take a step back and explore other options, wished him the very best in his future ventures, and stopped contact. It’s only been a few days, to be honest, but I am so proud of myself for keeping a tight reign my dignity despite my anger and disappointment at being let down. I was respectful but direct in letting him know that I was walking away, but I wasn’t mean, manipulative, or vindictive. I feel that this showed him that I know my worth, that I’m not going to play second fiddle, and that if he ever decides to step up to the plate and actually date me for real, I won’t tolerate that sort of behavior. I didn’t have to fight or argue with him, there was no drama. I think that women can really benefit from remembering that they are worthy and that they don’t have to stoop to any level of being disrespectful because they are hurt. Remember that the anger you feel is HIS burden to carry. The man I was dating? His actions don’t define me.

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of these articles and other research on relationships to understand my behavior in relationships, but I’m so glad to have these pieces of advice to motivate me and remind me of what I need to do to be happy and to encounter a truly fulfilling relationship. Thanks, a new mode!

Reply September 30, 2013, 1:48 am

Zoe

Your story is really inspiring to me, I had to screenshot it for future reference. Haha. But all in all, I hope you find someone amazing one day, you deserve it.

Reply October 7, 2013, 11:36 pm

Jun

Thank you so much for this article! :)
This is exactly what happened to me but was worse… Because he was a work colleague so I had to see him everyday, I think this makes him even more of a dirtbag.

Reply September 29, 2013, 7:08 am

annie

Help me sisters, i met this guy a week ago at my work. We were partners and together everywhere. Many thought we were couples annd i had also seen his intrest in me but i got fired last thursday then he said,’he’ll leave the work too cause i aint there anymore’ ! Now he doesnt text me but he liked my status only last hour.i think why is he changed so suddenly? And also he went to the work cause he didnt get new job and its ok but they said a new girl iss his partner! #sso oh no. Help.

Reply September 24, 2013, 8:10 am

Stella

You know what ladies.. after reading these comments, all I have to say is men are men, regardless of what age. I too am going through the ghosting of a guy i met.. His 32, am 27. We met at a club during my work leaving do.. We bumped into each other one couldn’t stop smiling and talking to each other. He introduced me to his companions who also happened to be his work colleagues. We were talking when my very drunk work mate pulled me from the conversation. My friends went back to him and he gave them his number to give me.. While leaving the club we bumps into each other again and he asked if i got his number.. I said no.. And we swapped numbers again. After that night. We texted, they started off playful and really just normal getting to know you textes.. He would even apologize when he didn’t text me back straight away or the next day.. The textes started to get flirty and very sex heavy. We swapped pictures and he seemed really happy with what he saw.. I know i was happy with what he sent me. He seemed like a whole package.. Good looking, smart and very sexy.. not to mention the sex Textes where so toe curlying good. We planned to meet up a week after initially meeting and then he went MIA. The next day he sent me a text to say sorry for the late reply was really wasted and took me a day to recover.. I sent back a response to say hope you feel better and that water was what the doctor ordered. He sent back a thanks doctor and that was it.. I sent him a couple of messages later that day.. No response.. A day turned into a week then two weeks and nothing.. then i decided that there was no point me wasting my time thinking of a guy who was not obviously interested in me. So i stopped thinking of him and concentrated on sorting out my mortgage and looking for a flat. After a stressed week.. I decided to give in, texted him to say hi, how are you. He responded a day later and said he was good and had a rough week. I sent a response to say sorry to hear that and i hope it get better. I have deleted his number, deleted the messages and what’s apps as i don’t want to be stupid and text him at a moment of weakness. But what is with the disappearing act.. If you aren’t interested tell me.. Do not disappear.

Reply September 22, 2013, 5:02 pm

Shannon

I’m thinking that there was someone else in the picture…either someone else he liked and it panned out, or he got back together with an ex. From what you have related, it was certainly nothing you did and the vanishing just came out of the blue. However…I would hesitate to call this a true ghosting. You weren’t seeing each other. You had never even been on a date. At the stage you’re in, it’s common for the other person to just end communication. I’ve done this myself when at that introduction stage. Personally, unless you’ve actually been on a date with the person, you’re not obligated to give an explanation. And as much as you say you would have liked an explanation…would you have really liked hearing, “I’m not interested anymore. Stop texting me?” Rather than vanishing, what he did was leave you hanging. And yes, it would have been more courteous for him to just say, “Hey, I had just broken up with my girlfriend when you and I met and we decided to give it another go.” But that COULD be an awkward, dramatic conversation. Whenever I’ve tried to have it with someone, they’ve always wanted to know WHY I’m not interested and what can they do to change things. It’s just a horrible conversation to have.

Reply September 23, 2013, 7:15 pm

Stella

Shannon you are right.. It is a common practice at the stage if for whatever reason he was coming out of something or going into something more his speed and interest.. It just got me as it seemed he blew so hot and then that was it. But since the last brief text with him about a week ago.. I didn’t reply to a text that to me seemed very drawn out after he said he had been having a stressful week. I too have stressed weeks, so I just responded saying I wished it would get better.. He sent back a reply of thanks and that was it. I have since deleted his number and moved on.. Concentrating on other more important thi gs in life but not shutting .y self off from experiences.. He was just another frog.. I will kiss my prince one day. For now focusing on me and the betterment of my life. Thanks

Reply September 27, 2013, 2:43 pm

Julia Scott

I have been seeing a Chief of Police who is 12 years my elder. I am 46 and he is 58. We got along great. Every week went to nice dinners, great conversation, etc. He asked me right from the start if we could be exclusive with one another. Within 3 months he told me he was in love with me. I was trying to take the relationship slow and that kind of pushed things faster. Of course, I fell in love with him too and completely head over heels. He was somewhat possessive however. He would get very upset if I posted a new profile pic on FB or put a posting on. He said I was trying to get attn. He also wanted to know any guy that tried to contact me. The only thing that I asked him to do was to promise me that he would tell me if he no longer wanted to see me. To please have that respect. We had that conversation many times. He always promised he would tell me. Well, a few weeks ago he was having a few issues going on with his older daughter and our conversations were getting less and less. I started to feel like I had to message him first all the time. He used to call at least every other day and I didn’t get a call for a couple of weeks. RED FLAG, so I confronted him through email as I could not see him, I said that I know he has alot going on but I really was starting to feel like a convenience and explained why. Never once did I act irrational in my emails, etc. It was written in a caring way. I have not heard back from him in response to what I said and that was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I simply was devastated that someone I trusted with everything could be so cold and he would know by not saying anything that it would drive me nuts. I did not call him once. I really was trying not to bother him. I did send a final email and told him I simply cannot understand why he did not tell me that he did not want to see me anymore and that I would never do something so inconsiderate to someone that I told I loved and cared for. Since, I have went back on FB/LinkedIn and posted a pic of myself and it was almost liberating. I can’t believe I let someone control me like that and then ghost on me. Like I never existed and meant nothing. It does hurt really bad, but I believe the issues are within him. He always used to tell me that I am the entire package, etc. I do wonder why alot and can’t comprehend someone of his so called character would do such a cruel thing, but he did and it is what it is. I am not begging for him to come back. They should at least be honest and give the relationship closure. I don’t understand why they would leave it open like this. I didn’t have a clue whether we were in a relationship still or not or if was just having one of those bad periods in his life. Made no sense. I finally cam to the rationalization of he he should have never let me have this space to myself to give me a chance to move and find someone who treats me better. I already have many men giving me attention and treating me nice, yes it is hard to trust them and I will probably get hurt again. If a man does this, he is a total coward. I thought at least a law enforcement officer would just tell it like it is.

Reply September 18, 2013, 3:47 pm

m

Julia

I’m sorry that happened to you, but also glad that you have moved on. However I do feel that when a men does the disappearing act instead of being a men and talking to you about whatever his issue is, the hurt lasts longer and is more hurtful. I think because the emotions and the things you both said to each other than do not mean nothing to him and he was playing you. That might not be the case and his feelings may have been real but by disappearing that is how it feels. I know it makes me angry and hurts because it is so disrespectful. I confronted mine by showing up at his house and told him how I felt about his behavior. I did that for myself and I felt better because I felt that I released those angry feelings on him. I was very calm about it , which is better because they expect the opposite. My guy had a lot of issues going on, but I don’t think that excuses him at all. I wanted to let him know that he wasn’t much of men by disappearing and I deserve to be treated like a lady. He agreed and said he should of called or answered my phone calls. I haven’t seen him or spoke to him in a month now but it help me put closure to the whole thing.

Reply September 18, 2013, 9:21 pm

Julia

Thank you for the comment Stella. It completely devastated me because this is not the man that I knew. He always dealt with issues straight on and if he had a problem he would address it and not afraid to tell me how he thinks about something. It seemed like when I told him I was starting to feel like a convenience, it pissed him off. I was just voicing how I was feeling. He always wanted me to follow his rules and he could tell me if he didn’t like something. I did get back on Facebook after a couple of weeks of silence and I noticed he removed me from his friends list. He didn’t do that to the other love interests that I knew he had previously. Just really hurts because I was nothing but nice and accomadating and I have no idea what happened. Maybe because I spoke up and said something of how I was really starting to feel. Like I said before, he is the one who told me he loved me etc first. He hooked me right in. Wanted to know every man who messaged me and what they said, etc. I know he had a problem when someone would try and contact me of the opposite sex. I can’t help it, I didn’t know I was going to get a msg from someone saying “hi” or “how have you been”, etc. I always told him as he requested thinking I was doing the right thing. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!! I should not have said a word. It has been a couple months now and I have not heard a peep from him. I did turn on the news and saw him on there the other day and my heart sank. So I know he is alright. He is very high up in law enforcement in our city. We had an agreement from the start of the relationship that if either one of us decided that we didn’t want to see one another, that we would tell that person. I had this discussion many times and he always said “of course I would tell you”. Well, he didn’t and just cut me out of his life with no explanation. I almost feel like he wanted to do this to me for some sick reason. He probably thinks someone hit on me or something and got mad and was going to punish me good. Its sick behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he knows that this would drive me nuts! and he is 58 years old. I am still completely shocked by his actions and not just telling me. I sent several emails afterwards and told him that I didn’t expect that kind of character behavior of a man of his quality. He never responded back so I will never ever contact him again. He lost a smart, funny, kind and loving woman.

Reply October 29, 2013, 1:28 pm

Ruby

I see all these new comments about guys ghosting on women. Sorry, Sabrina, I don’t mean to cut in on you here, but here goes for all those gals with the recent posts out there in the dumps. Look, don’t feel so bad. There must be something you liked about what you had or else you wouldn’t have had it. Just accept it for what it’s worth and decide if you want to continue down that rode. Just keep your options open. You can still have YOUR cake and eat it too while waiting for Mr. Right to come along, if he does exist, or looking for Mr. Right. It doesn’t make you cheap or easy. Nor do I think it makes him want you any less. Not in this day and age. And definitely not if you’re over 40. If it does, then he really is playing games. Just remember, HE’S your “backpocket guy,” that’s all. Look it’s 2013. It’s not that these men are boys, they just don’t want drama and what’s isn’t drama to us, sometimes is drama to them. Look at it the way they do, and maybe things will work out, but don’t hold your breath and don’t expect not to be hurt either. I have my girlfriends and family who don’t mind when I need to unload the bricks. I’ve realized the guys I see can’t handle my challenges. And yeah, that’s disappointing but it’s not the be all, end all. Also, I noticed. the minute a guy thinks I’m done with them and now into another guy, that guy makes his way back to me. And ironically it was their idea I date other guys. Unless you’ve had the relationship talk and agreed you are dating or in a relationship, then the guy doesn’t think he ghosted on you. Guys are on an entire different timeline than women. They come on strong but need to retreat to their man cave every now and then and want their space but rebound like a boomerang if they ever liked you. When you’re feeling down, just remember the Stones song, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you’ll find you get what you need.” And I love all my sisters out there and their advice, but they will always think I deserve better and so do the guys. I do too but I haven’t met him yet. (I was close for 15 years, thought I was with my “sole mate.)” I’m 50+, 7 years later, and still trying but stopped trying to figure them out. It’s a waste of energy. You have to remember, once the oxytocin kicks in, it’s a whole different world for us. It’s our nature to want to bond. Rather than beat myself up, I just tell myself, who may be right for me at one time in my life, may not be at another time. Just take it or leave it, move on or keep your options open. Your attitude will make a difference – they can sense it. Be strong and not confused. Let me know how it goes. Get your head out of the sand, text or call that fool if you really want him back, or dump him now. I don’t delete their numbers. I laugh when he texts me “by mistake” — my name and his bestfriend’s name are listed next to each other – to see if he gets a quick response from me. If a day later, I hadn’ texted him back, I get a “sorry I texted you by mistake I meant that for my friend R, not you. Only delete him if he told you to, or else his sloppy texts to you could be fun.

Reply September 15, 2013, 6:52 am

S

Well, this just recently happened to me.

He had been acting flakely all week so I told him that it was over, and that I couldnt handle it. Immediately, I ate my words apologised, called no answer. I have sent a few messages and called since and nothing. This was two weeks ago.

I am pretty sure he had been acting flakey because he wanted it to end. Well here is what I wish he had said:

I like to think that this is what he had wanted to say:

‘Don´t wanna see your tears
Baby it’ll be ok
Don´t wanna see you cry darlin’
No way! (ooooh)
But it just don´t feel the same
(just don´t feel the same)
I know what you´re about
(I know what you´re about)
And I guess that I don´t love you anymore
And I´m sorry, but it just ain´t working out

I´m sorry it just ain´t gonna work out
(just ain´t gonna work out girl)
[repeat]

Don´t want you to be sad girl
Don´t want you to be afraid
I know that will you understand my ways
One day! (oooh)
No need to be upset girl
(you just don´t understand)
Please don´t scream and shout
(Please don´t scream and shout)
I know that you were hearing wedding bells
But I´m sorry
‘Cause it just ain´t working out

I´m sorry it just ain´t gonna work out
(just ain´t gonna work out girl) ‘

Reply September 15, 2013, 6:31 am

s

I just wanted to update my situation… contact has been made. But really because i became psycho bitch and a sent a few more texts regardless contact was made- and it turns out he needed space… then back to silence

Well the situation worsens as I messaged him again last night (drunk) and we got talking (via text as he refuses to pick up his phone) and turns out he is not ready for a relationship, because he has lots going on his life right now.

so now what??… well I know I should leave it.. not text- au revoir etc. But alas, that is too late, I sent him a message saying how much I missed him and that I didnt want to loose him by just cutting ties, that I didnt need a relationship straight away etc. … and of course no reply. FML

Reply September 22, 2013, 9:54 am

Marion

S,

Do you know his phone number by heart? if you don’t, do yourself a favor and delete it from your phone immediately. That way, drunk texting him will be obviously less likely to happen again and you won’t have to deal with you regretting stuff you texted him.

I’m going through the same situation as you, trying to get over someone who’s playing hard to get or who doesn’t care about me (I don’t know the answer). I still have him on social media but he’s hardly ever connected so I know there’s no point sending him messages cause he won’t read them until the next day or so.. and when we do text guys, we want an immediate answer..

This is why, once again, my advice is to delete his phone number. It’s hard but it’s the first step to get over someone..he might come back to you or he might not.. but chasing him won’t make him like you more..

Good luck !

Reply September 22, 2013, 10:05 am

Shannon

I agree with Marion’s advice and also have something else to offer. I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago (he actually DID break up with me) and like you I sent him a few angry texts in the beginning. Then I got a grip and stopped texting him. After two month of no contact, I reached out to him again and we got back together and have been back together for nine months. So, the relationship isn’t necessarily done and over. But it will be if you don’t back off and give him space. He needs time to miss you and put the relationship in perspective. That’s not going to happen if you’re texting him and being in constant contact with him. So no contact after a breakup does two things 1) helps us get over the person IF indeed the relationship is over and 2) also makes the person miss you by your absence

Reply September 22, 2013, 11:22 am

Lee

Shannon, so needed to hear what you had to say. Many thanks. I don’t know if we are totally over or not. He has blocked my calls, so I don’t even try anymore. Whats left? Beats me! Has proposed marriage, committed but actions and behavior just don’t matchl

November 24, 2013, 2:19 pm

Marion

I’m so happy I came across this website :) No matter how many time your friends tell you you’re not the only who ever went through this kind of situation, you always think you are. and it feels good (even though the situations are sad) to know that there are other persons out there who had guys disappeared on them but who also tried to re initiate contact.
About 4 years ago, I met this guy online via a friend we had in common. we started talking more and more and even started flirting. at the time, I was like “what’s wrong with me? flirting with a guy I’ve never met, really? “lol but I thought that guy was so good looking and I was so self conscious about my appearance that my ego was boosted. he was in California, I was in NY. at some point he was supposed to move to ny, and we were both really excited cause we knew something was gonna finally happen between us. I went back to my home country for the holidays and one morning I read on facebook he had decided not to move to nyc after all. I was bummed.. but hey, we were not dating, I could do whatever I wanted to with my life, and so could he..
a few months later, he broke up with the girl he had started dating and I was recovering from a minor heartbrake, when guess what ? he contacted me again.. I was so happy. we were both bored with our lives, we started talking about going on a trip together in asia.. i’m gonna pass on the details but the day before I was supposed to move back to my home country, and so 3 months before going to asia, I found out he had blocked me on social media (even though he kept texting me)..I was devastated and humiliated (I had to find an excuse when every kept asking me “when r u going to asia again? ” and I had to answer ” im not going anymore”… three months later, I texted him, saying that I deserved an answer as to why he had done this to me. he told me his work plans had changed and didn’t have the courage to break the news to me… we started talking again a couple of months later…and that’s when we found out we both had decided to move to Australia (no I wasn’t moving cause of him lol I didn’t even know when I started making plans he was going as well)..
the problem is I had gained weight and was even more self conscious so when I moved to Australia, he kept asking me to hang out and I would always find an excuse and one day I told him “listen I don’t feel good right now, really self conscious,bla bla..” he told me he would never judge me.
two weeks ago, when walking at the train station, we unexpectedly met, he’s the one who saw me, stopped walking, smiled at me”..i was so relieved and wondered what he had thought of me.. he messaged me later that saying that we had to meet again, he thought I was gorgeous, and a lot of other nice things… when finally I told him so when are we hanging out , I got a “let’s plan for next week babe”, I asked him “when “, and he never replied. I did what I probably shouldn’t have done, texted him again, just a question mark as a text lol, and then again a few days later saying something like “you’re more complicated than French guys , how was ur weekend” no reply.. and then facebook message saying that if he didn’t want to communicated, the least he could do was saying so, cause that was rude not to reply”.. and still no answer… it’s driving me crazy, im dying to know why he changed his attitude like that… he hasn’t unfriended me yet so im not sure what to think. I started by deleting his phone number so that I know I wont text him anymore but I still haven’t managed to unfriend him.
I know that story might sound pathetic but I guess it feels good to share it… any comments and advice welcome :)
thanks for reading :)

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:44 am

Shannon

I don’t think you did anything wrong by texting him asking WHEN the date was going to happen. That made no difference in the outcome…he has done the vanishing and ignoring thing to you all along. I went through the EXACT same thing with a guy, and it turned out there was someone else in his life and I was the girl on the side. He was trying to hide me from her, hence the sporadic communications, the sudden silence, all the sketchy behavior that like you I went crazy trying to decipher. Whether that’s the issue in your case or he’s just plain playing games, I don’t know. I do know that you should stop giving this guy the time of day. Whatever his problem is, it’s not YOUR problem. If you haven’t already, maybe it would be a good idea to post a personal, especially since you’re new to the area. Once you have other options you won’t want to bother with the duds.

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:40 pm

mari

In my opinion, I would forget him! you deserve someone better. If a man loves you, he would never do these things to you. I can understand you’re drawn to him because he treats you sweet enough to hang on to his bait and then drop you as soon as you are hooked. It’s a very cruel game and I have been there more than once. The sooner you break loose of any connection to this kind of relationship, the better your chances of meeting the right one for you. Do not listen to what he says or write … listen to his actions instead and listen to what your gut feeling is telling you. Good luck to both of us hun!

Reply September 14, 2013, 3:52 pm

Marion

Thank you Mari for your comment ! :)

Reply September 14, 2013, 8:43 pm

Mari

It’s amazing and therapeutic to know that I am not alone in this experience. It’s difficult not to take it personally though. I needed at least a day or so to mourn and evaluate things. After the physical pain (probably from all those excess adrenalin in my body), I have to make a decision on how to turn things around and love myself back. Just like Sabrina´s advice, I kept myself busy and bury this experience in the past where it belongs. and hope to God I will never hear from him again.

Incidentally, I was in another long term on and off relationship with someone else in the past and I would hate to go back there, therefore avoid it like a plague. I have always been positive, knows how to look after myself, have a good job and loving family and friends, have a good heart and would not do onto others stuff that I wouldn´t want them done onto me. Yet, I seem to keep bumping into same type of selfish boys. Most women would have given up but I continue to believe that one day, I will met this special guy just for me and so should you. xxx

Reply September 11, 2013, 3:34 pm

m

oh the disappearing act. how pathetic someone is to do this to another human being, not once, but three times! fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me…..
he has disappeared 3 times. unfortunately i do know that he is alive so it was not because he dropped dead that he disappeared. after the first time i completely lost myself. not because i was in love with him, but because i truly could not believe that someone could do that to another human being. that someone in his field of work could be so cowardly to just simply say, i am not into this any more. it took a while to get myself back after that first disappearance but i did. the second and third time made me feel ALMOST sad for him. clearly this man, this thing that someone must have raised in a jungle with no morals or respect for others, has some serious issues to be able to treat someone with such disrespect and in such a hurtful & careless way. i no longer blame myself but that took a while. i now know 100% that it was always HIS issue and never mine. i will never reach out to him again & i hope he never reaches out to me again either.

Reply September 11, 2013, 12:00 pm

me

I agree with m’s comment that it sad that a men would play disappearing act. I feel that some of this men have not just commitment issues but this behavior is not with dating with them it is with other issues in there life.
I confronted the guy I was seeing that played the disappearing act twice. I did so because I needed to let him know that his behavior by ignoring is unacceptable. I care about him and we had been seeing each other for awhile. I don’t think that anyone should play games with peoples feelings. The first time I didn’t know if he was dead or alive because I heard that he had to go the hospital and I knew he had health issues.

I think that by confronting the person that disappeared if he or she is doing it because of past emotional problems it could help them overcome them. I felt better when I confronted him because I have found there are lot of men or women that need to respect themselves and the other person even if you think there is going to be drama. My friend knows that there will be no drama with me, because I won’t humiliate myself, so there was no reason for it. I do think that he didn’t confront me cause he was playing the game, that he would keep me in his back pocket, while he is figuring things out.

Anyway it might not be the popular thing to do, but I feel that you should confront them if you had a committed relationship.

Reply September 12, 2013, 5:49 pm

Shannon

I agree depending on the circumstance. I think you are well within your rights to tell someone what you think of their childish behavior especially if they’ve done it more than once. I’m ashamed to admit that I actually gave a guy who did this to me a second chance only to have him turn around and do the same thing again, and yes…I let him have it!!! At that point I was not interested in having ANY sort of relationship with him, but I was letting him know how awful and horrible and unacceptable his behavior was…and he asked me for multiple chances afterwards even! I was proud to say, “Nope, I can’t ever give you another shot, not after what you did twice to me.” In that case confronting someone is warranted. However, if you are confronting the guy in the hopes that he will feel bad/guilty/ realize how much he truly misses you and then get back together with you, no, you should not do it! Depends totally on what your motives are in confronting.

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:47 pm

Elizabeth

Ladies, it breaks my heart to hear how many guys have done this to us. Please don’t waste one more second on a guy who disappears! There are so many other guys out there who will gladly give us their time – those are the ones we need to value. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in a guy and feel that he is the only one out there for you, when that is so far from the truth! Go find someone who actually wants to be with you – someone that you don’t have to wonder about. Leave these boys behind and continue moving forward. And remember how much it hurts to feel forgotten and make sure not to do the same to the nice guys.

Reply September 11, 2013, 10:34 am

Ina

I love you Sabrina!
you just support and legitimate what I have done everytime a man I date disappears. if a man I date did not contact me in 2 or 3 weeks, I never initiate contact. however, he sometimes come back again wondering why I didn’t contact him. for sure I told him I am busy.
I have this experience last year, I dated a man but things were too rush in 3 months. I told him i need sometimes to think, he replied by saying that “he likes me but he doesn’t want anything serious because he just want to have fun but not in my expenses”. I was a bit disappointed but I replied that it is better to be just friend. then I stop intiating contact, I stop asking him out, for sure I stop dating him. in almost a year, we act hide and seek, I hide he seek. if he contacted me I replied, if he asked me out, I agreed only if I have time. we finnaly only see each other 3 times in 10 months. last july was our last meeting before I went for holiday, once I sent message during my holiday, he was so happy about that. he even asked me to keep contacting me. but you know… I never contact him again until now. (because he didn’t). unless last time when I sent a general invitation for an event in town , he replied by asking my holiday etc.(then we both disappear again lol!) well… I am not punishing him, but .. why should I waste my time? deep in my heart I like him a lot, but as what sabrina says, ‘don’t take it personally’, I don’t follow what I feel, but mostly follow my brain. I refer to one of his text months ago. “you only reply what I send, is that the way you think of me?”.. “we never have same schedule for going out, but you have time to go dinner with your friend” … I feel sorry for him, but I don’t want to settle for less. I am mirroring his action. he disappears I dissapear, in my context he is the one who nags….meanwhile I more enjoy my life without even think of him, because more I avoid to contact him, more I am busy, more I forget about him. at the end, I am away from heartache.
so.. Sabrina is right :)

Reply September 11, 2013, 6:58 am

*Me*

OMG!! Just what I needed to read right now. Everything was great until i asked the dreaded question: what are we?”
He had disappeared 2 years ago, and we re-connected on the internet (dating site: fgo figure). And he has just done the same thing again. He has literally dropped off the face of the earth. He doesn’t reply my texts or skype messages (I eventually deleted and blocked him). He was always so communicative, so I really just want to know WHY? What changed? Why why why????? And the annoying thing is, he isn’t even the type of guy I would normally go for. But I was beside myself when I fell in Like with him. And then now he’s the one giving me the cold shoulder?! I keep telling myself it’s his loss, not mine. BUT it still is a really sucky feeling. I’m such a catch. WHY won’t these men stay in my life? :(

Reply September 11, 2013, 3:46 am

Shannon

They’re not the right guy for you, that’s all. And you are probably inadvertently,,,without realizing it…choosing a certain type of guy. As I once heard someone say “your picker is broken.” There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with these guys.

Reply September 19, 2013, 5:16 pm

Rachel

Finally, this is what I’ve been wanting to read. That darn vanishing act men love to pull. Or can I say, boys. They pull you along, cause they can sense you easily are easy to manipulate. Just at the time you are convenient. Or they are lonely. Have gotten told that more times, then any woman should hear. And for a while. Everything is great. You tell your family and about this great guy. All your friends are tired of you talking about them. You feel that sense of refreshing, like I moved on. I can move on. Reassure yourself all you want to. And then poof. Gone. And they never ever come back. I actually only got a couple to talk to me again, and it was cause they initiated sex. Keep in mind. They never once touched me or kissed me. And people say well there you go that’s the problem. No it’s not! Cause I tried! And no, I did not give it to them. And it failed miserably. Or once you tell them you like them. Gone they go. Bye. Or the excuse is “we just don’t click”. But you are right. You just have to come to terms on your own, that they just aren’t that into you.

Reply September 10, 2013, 11:56 pm

Carmen

Dated a guy for a few months. Everything seemed perfect. He didn’t vanish on me but he, out of the blue, sent me an email leaving me with waaaaaay too many questions. I went on a quest to find my own answers. It was a looooooong and painful journey that I don’t regret taking. I learned so much about myself, about men, stumbled on ANewMode, etc. I even learned some tough lessons. Ppl pointed things out to me that I didn’t even realize I was doing. Sure, I was the Cool Girl with no drama, no neediness, but that’s still not enough Btw, I found out that he got married soon after he emailed me. I was crushed until I found out that he married the same women that kicked his ass multiple times. I finally understood why he disappeared. Lol

Reply September 10, 2013, 10:27 pm

Marie Lloyd

I recently was seeing a men that disappeared and reappeared. I thought maybe it was his job, considering what he did for a living and I know that he was sick. That was the first time he disappeared.
The second time at first I thought he was just visiting with his kids. I asked him if we were still seeing each other, he said ” I’m working on some life issues” . In fact he told me that twice in about a month’s time.
After a period of time I figured out what he was doing, I felt very disrespected and less of a lady because of it.
In my opinion men should not get away with this kinda of behavior. It gives them permission to go on hurting others and it becomes part of our culture for men to treat women with disrespect.
I went over to his house unannounced to talk to him face to face. It was the best decision that I made in this situation. I didn’t yell or tell him off, or discuss what I thought or knew he was doing. I made the discussion about me and how he made me feel.
By confronting him I let him know that I will be respected and treated like a lady, and by him playing the disappearing act makes him less of a men.
All women need to confront the men that play this game to let them know that we will not accept this behavior as part of our dating culture.
When I left we are still on speaking terms, because I was very calm and spoke to him with respect like he should of done me.

Reply September 10, 2013, 8:55 pm

moving-forward

A guy did this to me once, after a few weeks of seeing each other. Then 3 months later he popped up in a text message telling me:” i don’t know why we stop talking to each other, i really don’t know why, do you?” UGh!! he reappeared with an excuse, after i tried to reach out to him on several occasions when he initially started to pull away… but was he nice enough to reply to my text back then..NO! I gave him the same treatment he showed me by not replying to his message and disappearing on him without a word….he will never hear from me again. His loss..

Reply September 10, 2013, 8:21 pm

Stacy

Yes, most of us have gone through this. The guy who I was cool with for awhile did this. Both of us didn’t want a relationship, so there were no feelings. I just take it as plain disrespect when people don’t contact me back in general, so it’s not a “guy” thing with me. I don’t care who it is, friends, Direct tv, whoever, lol I don’t like it when people don’t contact me back. He blew up my phone in the beginning then he slowly faded off. I just don’t see why people act like they can’t text someone real quick and say “hey, Im really busy, i’ll try to get back with you”. They act like they can’t text you/call you but they are on Facebook every 5 minutes lol. Clearly I get the hint lol. I deleted him because I didn’t even want to see his name pop up in my newsfeed lol. I always contact people back no matter what because I’m respectful of their time. It took me a long time to get to the point where it didn’t make me mad, but I got over it because i wasn’t trying to be his woman anyway, so no loss for me. The joke is on him, so whoever he’s talking to now can have him and his drama. Now im actually in the process of talking to a guy that I want a relationship with. I’m really excited to see where things go! For those of you who think you can’t move on, you will! And pleeeeeeease delete those losers from your social media websites and YOUR PHONE!!! That way you have no way to contact them!! Get rid of the trash! If you ever run into them in public, remain classy and don’t get animated or go off on them if they try to approach you. Me personally, I would just smile and keep walking if they said hi. They wanted to be gone in the past, so they should stay gone. Let them wonder what you’re so happy about and why you’re so happy without them. Who said you had to stand there and talk to them?!! No one

Reply September 10, 2013, 7:54 pm

Erin

My boyfriend and I were together for three years, and then started having to do the long distance thing our freshman year of college. At the end of our freshman year he started becoming more and more distant. While I was away for a little bit for summer he became even more distant and I asked him what was up. He said he thought we needed to break up because he didn’t care anymore. He broke up with me by a text message after three years of dating and stopped all communication with me. I am very hurt and I did reach out on his birthday and said happy birthday and that’s it. He seemed so head over heels for me and I don’t know what happened. He honestly did everything for me and now he didn’t even care to say happy birthday to me. Why are guys to cruel? Three years is a long time to just break up over a text. I am trying so hard to move on

Reply September 10, 2013, 7:33 pm

Shannon

I’ve never had a guy disappear without a trace forever. The two that went ghost on me reappeared months down the line full of apologies and wanting another chance. I think “he’s just not into you and doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere,” makes a guy that does this sound way more together and mature then he actually is and like he actually thought it through. You’re giving the guy in this situation way too much credit. A guy does this because he’s messed up. Period. Has nothing to do with the woman or the relationship.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:59 pm

Lindsey

In early dating, I’ve had guys ghost before. Two of them got in contact with me much, much later. Both to apologize — one said he’d literally met his now wife shortly thereafter and was just a chicken-sh!t to not tell me that and the other said he was going through a really bad patch (unexpected death in the family).

And I’ve had a couple that ghosted altogether. I think it’s not an uncommon way for guys to “end” relationships, at all. But, I absolutely agree with you that in the end it speaks to his character or perhaps life circumstances, not you or what you did “wrong”.

Better not to analyze it and just let it go. Move onto someone better.

Reply September 10, 2013, 6:12 pm

sandr

And if he reappears after a few moths? What does this mean and what to do?

Reply September 10, 2013, 4:17 pm

Lindsey

Could mean a few things. That he went through a rough patch and ghosted and is now back and wants a second chance. You just have to decide whether you want to take the risk on him again — is he selfish, cowardly and flakey or someone that hit a rough patch but generally is neither selfish, flakey nor cowardly?

If you decide to give him another chance, I’d make this very clear to him. That you respect yourself and value your time, energy and emotional investment. So, if he ghosts again, he’s out.

I’m a big believer in second chances (I’m willing to take the risk to find out what his character is), but third chances — no way.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:23 pm

Barblicous

To be fair, as a woman, I have done this to a few men, in my life time, and very recently too. So it isn’t just the male species that like to avoid the neediness and drama that can happen when you no longer see potential in a person you are just dating. If the situation wasn’t “official” as in you had had “the talk” and declared each other in a relationship with “girlfriend” & “boyfriend” status, there is no “break up” talk.

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:46 pm

Ruby

Keira, I got the same thing but it was 5 years – on and off and then we became best friends forever and then he ghosted. Said he was a screw up and I deserved a better man because I deserved to be happy. I didn’t beg or plead or show hurt, I just told him I was confused when I ran into him after that. I was used to getting back together because he would make the attempt after a couple months of ghosting. Last time, I asked him what happened to the “best friends forever.” We even had a phase where he didn’t want to have sex with me. But we would cuddle and kiss. He admitted we were great together, he felt great with me but then said I was a lot of work. I know I’m not a lot of work. He’s either lazy or it’s just a cop out. I just have to keep telling myself that he only keeps coming back to me because he thinks I will take him back and to not to be his back pocket girl. It is very hard though because the sexual chemistry between us is very intense and 5 years is a long time and getting to know and get involved with someone new is something I’m not looking forward to. Funny thing though, he knew I am older and was not pressuring for commitment. I just wanted companionship. We never argued or fought. He offered all his time to me, then poof. All he said was that he wanted me to go out and meet other guys because “he wasn’t the one for me.” But his actions always spoke different than his words. I know from other sources he did not meet another woman. Then he heard I was seeing another guy, so now he says he’s seeing another woman so “we can’t be anymore.” The whole thing is so stupid. Everyone says we belonged together – that he needed me – I was his anchor – and that he loves me so much. I guess he couldn’t handle his emotions. He was losing his job, losing his place, his mother was dying. He’s in his mid 40’s and I’m in my 50’s. I just say it’s all a cop out. I never acted needy – have plenty of friends and stay busy. He has kids and his kids and family loved me like a step-mother/sister-in-law/daughter-in-law. I’ve just come to the conclusion that he can’t handle being in a committed relationship and feels that’s what I deserved. But the mystery to me is why he can’t handle being in a committed relationship. He was through two marriages earlier which left him feeling damaged. I think it gets complicated the older you are and if there are kids, etc., etc. Sabrina, sometimes I do think they want us to follow up. But whether or not it’s worth it, only time will tell. For me, I think it was worth it after he ghosted the first time. We did get heavy too quick. The second time was a year later due to a misunderstanding. The third time was because he did something stupid while drunk about 9 months later. This last time, I have no idea because it was the best the relationship had ever been. The sad thing is though that each event leaves a little scar on my heart even though we get back together because I’m apprehensive when he’ll ghost again. Of course I don’t let him know or sense this. And now I don’t think he even cares. Play with fire and you’ll get burned. Might as well make smores.

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:08 pm

Lindsey

Dude, stop chasing this guy. He treats you poorly time and time again. It’s not about you, but about his issues. Let him go and put your energy into someone that can treat you well.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:16 pm

Rury

When I let him go – he’s ghosts for 3 weeks – 1 month – he’s all guy but then he brakes the ice and wants to be back with me like we were. And it’s actually better, because we actually talked. He felt lost about his job, life, apartment, and his mother who was dying and wanted time to sort stuff out. Me, never get time to sort though all I’v been through. After 5 yeasrs he still wants me to find a better richer dude, with money, and no kids, and retired, like me. I’m sure of what I want. Just be yourself. if he stay away, it his loss. Give him his three months and even if it’s a new girl, he’ll be back, missing you more if you were really close. She’s a substitute for you but no strings. Men think woman want to trap then and take away their freedom and friends.All then he’ll come to you like nothing happened. If you take him back,he wiil stay for 3 months and get his itch again.

Reply September 11, 2013, 4:50 am

Maureen

What about men who HAVE committed? Who HAVE declared love? Who have said they want to MARRY you? I was in a special treasured friendship with someone for 16 years, and there was always an undercurrent of romantic desire between us.

He approached me and pursued me quite ardently and we embarked on a long distance romance (we live in different states), with plans to be together a half a month (2 weeks) every month, as he wanted to base his business in my state & would be here half the time… He declared his love, and his life time commitments and we had a mini trip planned, and then his mom died, 2 investors wanted nearly a million dollars returned, and he had to move to another state, 3,000 miles away, etc., and he just went more & more within himself… And withdrew…

He cancelled our trip, and he now says he won’t be basing here in my state, and needs the proverbial “space”…

Most of what you write about is people who are just barely starting to date and even wondering if they’ll ever get to be in an actual real relationship with who they’re dating, or be called his girlfriend, and then wonder why he pulls away at that juncture… But what about those of us in well established love relationships, where you ARE his girlfriend, where he HAS declared his love for you, where he HAS said he wants to marry you and spend his life loving you, and THEN he pulls the distancing act??? What about us?

I can’t think it’s as simple as “he’s just not that into you”… That fits the barely dating folks, not deep abiding declarative love relationships that the man started and grew with the woman… So what’s the answer for those of us in THAT situation???

Thanks…

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:08 pm

Lindsey

You just have to ask yourself a very simple question — is this how you want your bf/husband to treat you? If you’re able to accept it, then accept his behavior — and realize that when stuff gets tough, he’ll pull away/withdraw and leave you hanging. That he’s far more concerned about himself and not you.

However if you want someone that will put you and the relationship first, generally, then look for a guy with those values — this guy is not him. Hard times don’t build character, they reveal it. You now know this guy’s character.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:19 pm

lulla

Hi, Thankyou for the Blog i learnt it’s disinterest mostly that causes disappearance mostly. I met a guy he was acting all angelic.. boy was he good at it:) I couldn’t I let myself be fooled by his act… I am so ashamed of myself now that I let him take advantage of Mr. We had sex.. the sex was great.. but then I fell inlove and then he started acting like he never had sex with me… That’d when it hit me hard that he just wanted a quickone. He sstopped replying me and disappeared.. I told I was inlove and begged him to forgive me for anywrons I did.. he gave me a date when we could Meet but the day came and he was still gone… But now I know it’s pointless trying to get intorch with him. I still do miss him though … Thankyou for your tips..wink

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:06 pm

Lianna

It’s. disgusting how guys treat us and we’re admonished to stay passive. It’s not fair. I’ve had guys do this to me. The last guy I just let it go I didn’t like him all that much anyway. Our convos were dry. Mind you I didn’t do anything wrong. I stopped blaming myself a long time ago. Now I’m seeing someone else. There’s always someone else .. Don’t stress it

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:56 pm

Shannon

I agree with you. I like this site, it has some good advice. But…I have read a few articles that I downright disagreed with that sort of blamed the woman for a breakup. In one Eric was talking about his sister. She had been dating a guy, and things were going great, when she asked where he saw the future going. He broke up with her soon after…and Eric was basically saying his sister caused it by pressuring the guy. I read that differently…I read that as his sister was with the wrong guy, and had she NOT had that conversation THEN, she would have wasted months, maybe years, in a dead end relationship that was going nowhere! Life is really short. I honestly believe that after being with a guy for several months you should at least be able to ask them if they’re on the same page with regards to the future. If it ends, then it’s because it wasn’t going anywhere.

Reply September 19, 2013, 5:21 pm

keira

we still text each other once a week. shame on me because I’m the one who always initiate contact.. but today i deleted his number and ready to throw him where he belong. I deserve better.. its sucks but I need to wake up in the reality that i kissed a wrong frog again..

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:48 pm

keira

this what exactly happened to me.. all our dates are perfect, all the signs that a guy like you are present. then one day “poof” he dissappeared. .then back after 2 days I asked him what’s wrong? he said he don’t want me to get closer, but he still wanna see me and love to be with me (hangout).. its just he is afraid that he don’t get to the place where i want him to be.. he said he is sorry for him self because he knows how amazing woman I am. that i am one of the best woman he ever met.. but whatever!! his lost anyweiz.. (-_-) thanks for this post.. this what I really need to forget him..its been a month since our last date but until now I honestly can’t stop thinking about him..

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:39 pm

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