Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal post image

Why Guys Disappear and How to Deal

Here’s a scenario that might sound familiar. You’re seeing a guy for a little while, it could be weeks or maybe months. You text a lot, hang out, have fun, things seems to be moving along swimmingly and a relationship seems like it’s just around the corner.

Then poof….he’s gone. Vanished without a trace.

He might do the slow fade out, meaning he stops initiating contact and when you reach out to him he takes hours or days to reply. This goes on for a while until you take the unfortunate hint. Or he “ghosts” and just disappears. He doesn’t reach out and he doesn’t reply when you contact him.

When this happens, the girl becomes desperate to know why. Maybe his vanishing act came after a period of him pulling away. Or maybe it came suddenly, out of the blue. It doesn’t matter, it means the same thing: he’s not into you and doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere. Maybe he met someone else or maybe he just had an epiphany. The damage is done, there’s nothing you can do so don’t torture yourself over it.

MORE: Top 3 Reasons Men Pull Away

I’ve been there, so believe me I know how awful it feels. Like the absolute worst.

Like many women, my reaction was a mix of rage and indignation. Why can’t he just be a man and break up with me to my face?? What a coward!

So why doesn’t he just say this to your face? Because it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have and he doesn’t wanna have it. Simple as that. Also, men just aren’t as equipped to handle emotions and emotional situations as women are, so they avoid them.

Girls don’t like having the breakup conversation and guys absolutely despise it. Most men would rather walk over a bed of burning hot coals than tell a girl to her face they’re not into her. So they ghost.

Okay so now that we know why, let’s talk about what to do to help you move on to greener pastures.

1. Don’t reach out to him….under any circumstances! He may have left you, don’t let him take your dignity with him. Girls will come up with all kinds of deluded reasons why they absolute must initiate contact. I just need closure! I want to know how he’s doing! I HAVE to tell him about this really funny thing that happened!

He stopped initiating contact with you because he is no longer interested in you. The sooner you realize and accept this, the better off you’ll be in the long run. Remember, if he wanted to see/speak to you, he would.

2. Don’t take it personal. When a guy disappears, it’s almost inevitable to feel a flood of self-doubt. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I good enough?

You didn’t do anything wrong and you are “good enough” to have the relationship you want with a man you want, this guy just wasn’t it. I know plenty of gorgeous, smart, funny, successful, amazing women who have had the vanishing act pulled on them and it didn’t make them any less gorgeous, smart, amazing, etc.

A guy can lose interest for any number of reasons and oftentimes it has more to do with him than with you. The worst possible thing you can do is take it personally and start beating yourself up over it. This will eat away at your self-esteem and will repel any new potential suitors that might come along. Try to keep your ego out of your relationships as much as possible. Your relationship status should never determine your worth as a person.

MORE: On Loving Yourself and Becoming More Confident

3. Stay busy. As with most painful experiences… only time will heal. As time works its magic, the best thing you can do is stay as busy as possible. Immerse yourself in work, spend time with friends, check out a cool new bar or museum, try out a new exercise class. Keep your schedule jam-packed so there isn’t a crack for him to slip right in. And do NOT check up on him on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or any other social media portal.

If you feel the need to check up on him, go look at funny YouTube videos or call a friend. Staying busy and keeping your life fun and fulfilling will also have positive long-term results and will put you in a better position to attract an even better guy.

MORE: 5 Steps to Heal a Broken Heart

Now let’s all breath a sigh of relief that those Houdinis did us the courtesy of finding something better!

Evey have a guy pull a vanishing act on you? Tell us how you dealt with it in comments!


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I met this guy on tinder 6 months ago. At the time I just wanted to get back out there and date. He wasn’t from my area so I figured free dinner and nice conversation! Well, the date went really well and one thing led to another… You know how it goes. I saw him again memorial day weekend and we kept in almost daily contact until almost a week ago. The worst part is we made a plan for me to visit him this weekend (my ticket is for tomorrow) and because he hasn’t returned any of my texts, I’m cancelling my trip. I feel cheated. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. But I did find someone I cared about, still care about. I don’t know what happened but it’s a horrible way to treat a person, nevermind someone you’re sexually/emotional whatever involved with. He told me he cared about me. Was that a lie? About a month ago my grandmother passed away. He was more than there for me. He reached out constantly, asking about me, my parents, etc. I’m having a hard time reconciling THIS guy (the guy I knew for the last 6 months) and the guy who just up and disappeared. I have to end it tonight by sending one last message letting him know I cancelled the trip. He’s not an idiot so I can’t believe he would think I’m still going but I feel it’s something I should do. He’s not my boyfriend. But there was a connection. I never thought he was this person. How could I be so wrong?!

Reply October 22, 2014, 3:09 pm


My dream guy came to me and was eager to talk to me and I was very hesitant to talk to him because I have been single for two years and when he came in my life trying to really get to know me I couldn’t let him down. So we talked all day even when he was at work. We would talk all night until the morning and he’ll call me when he got up and we would talk all day. We lived long distance but we would tango and oovoo each other every now and then. He would tell me everything and we would laugh and we only had two arguments but it wasn’t bad at all. Long story short he disappeared on me after we had texted Saturday evening. An it’s been 4 days since he texted me or called me. I did call him and text him but no reply . I cried two days straight and moped all 4 days not coming from my room. I can’t let go because he met my dad and no guy has ever met my dad and brother and got along with them. We talked about the future and how he was coming to see me in nov. And 3 months later he will leave on our 5 month anniversary. It hurts but I felt a feeling over come me and I just instantly felt better. I don’t know what it was but I guess I’ll know later. But like all women you can’t get over something that was really good and you can’t let go because it was a good relationship you’ve had from other guys. Well I think it’s only me but that’s why I can’t let him go just yet. I’m not going to contact him I’m just going to wait and see.

Reply October 22, 2014, 2:56 am


i’ve met this guy in Tinder, we chatted for almost a month, all the time, about everything… He said he’d love to meet me in person, but I had to go abroad for work for about two weeks, so we planned a date right after that. Meanwhile we kept chatting on whatsapp, he stayed up ’till 5am in the morning to talk to me because of the time difference, and when I got back we went out as planned. The date went very well, we went for a drink, a movie and another drink, we were talking and it was just like we’ve known each other for ages. He walked me home and we hugged on my doorstep. I haven’t heard from him ever since. He totally disappeared. I wrote him “Hi” on whatsapp but he never replied.
I really don’t understand. He was the one suggesting this could lead to something more while we were chatting, he even told me what he wanted to do for our second, even third date… He talked about things we could do together after retiring (!) and that he’d love to have me around until then…
I was just being myself, just like we were chatting on whatsapp, I don’t think I’ve been pushy or anything, I just went with the flow… I felt we were having a great time and that he didn’t want it to end (we stayed in the pub until we were asked to go because it was closing). He kept smiling at me and so…
This is driving me crazy…

Reply October 20, 2014, 6:49 am


You only went out once. He decided after that he wasn’t that into pursuing it further. Don’t sweat it. Get back on Tinder and keep dating til you find someone.

Reply October 22, 2014, 9:38 am


Goodness. What you are experiencing is totally what happen to me now.
like you, i too, need closure from the guy. If he is not interested anymore, then just say it. Dont let someone like us to be baffled by all those question.

Once we got the answer, we can move on.

Anyhow. I really hope you will be strong and then if he still doesnt answer your text or clarify his stands, please, just move on and never text him again. That is what i am doing right now. Trying to get over him and open my heart for someone else.

Reply October 17, 2014, 2:51 pm


I met him and we both liked each other and we hit it off. It was nice and we connected very well. we met again and he surprised me with a nice phone and then after that he went distant and he could not talk, text back and i thot may be he needed some alone time. I later realised he wasnt interested at all and its very painful. was the gift meant to say good bye? am really confused please help.

Reply October 16, 2014, 8:38 am


i am currently suffering the vanishing act this guy has been pulling on me for a while now.
the first time we met was magical, it was a fairytale, my freinds keep saying it was like love at first sight. we felt such strong attraction that we were both baffled. he made such an effort to ask me out and to show me and everyone how much he liked me. he went all out, swept me of my feet and made me the happiest girl in the world. he was from germany and it was summer vacation so he had to go back but he promised me he would make an effort and that distance won’t break our relationship but then all of a sudden he started pulling away and minimizing contact. i didn’t understand what was going on at first, i admit i panicked and did all the things i wasn’t supposed to do like texting him and giving him attention, i thought of every single excuse why he wasn’t texting me back or calling ( busy with work, family issues .. ), i blamed myself for everything and thought am i not good enough? did i get too clingy? did i nag too much? maybe i cared about him too much or maybe i was focused on what he liked and didn’t show him the real me.. my self-esteem and confidance hit rock bottom and i started doubting myself and hating myself. after reading your articles everything started making sense to me that he lost interest and i realized he doesn’t like me that much anymore. i stoped texting him and i moved on, i detached myself from him and all the memories. for a month i didn’t talk to him the decided to text him blaming him for his unkept promisses( again my bad!!) but still he ignored me. again. the thing is, i know i deserve more and i know i don’t like him that much anymore because of what he did but to be treated this way just hurts on a deep level. now i need to work with the damage; thank you so much for helping me see this and helping me move on! i must say that you’ve been an amazing help :)

Reply October 13, 2014, 4:48 pm


I think the explanation for what happened in your situation is actually simple. He has a girlfriend in his hometown. He went on vacation planning on having a nice fling. He may have told you differently; who knows, maybe he even thought he would continue the relationship once vacation was over. But, in the end, it’s nothing you did wrong. He probably went into it knowing he was going to pull the plug when he went home. As painful as that realization is, it may give you closure to realize his behavior is not your fault and not because of something you did.

Reply October 17, 2014, 3:02 pm


I’ve been through the fadeout before. And I’m currently going through one now. I’m trying to get him to just talk to me and explain what’s happening, because he’s just not making it clear.

Been dating for a few months, everything is fine, but roughly 3wks ago it was like a switch flicked and he changed overnight. He’s become really cold towards me and it’s gotten to the point where I cannot take it anymore because it’s bought back my major depression again. I just have a feeling there’s something more that’s happened and he’s not being honest with me at all. And he knows I need honesty.

I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me to explain as I don’t know where I stand at all. I’m in emotional limbo (something I would never do to anyone but an enemy) and I cannot function properly. Can’t eat right, sleep or concentrate on anything.

He says he loves me. Says he misses me. But now he hardly txts me, tells me what he’s doing or is sweet. We did txt daily…kisses and sweet nothings. And now he says he’s been just so tired with everything and is really busy on the run up to xmas he just doesn’t have a lot of time. Time for what??!! Me anymore? Why say he loves me then?! Why doesn’t he do me the courtesy of just explaining where I stand. I need to know. For me…..closure is very important to move on with anything like this (because it can make me extremely ill), no matter what the article says. If this wasn’t all that serious, I wouldn’t care as much as I do and I wouldn’t have invited him into my house and meet my daughter. He even assured her he wasn’t going to hurt me. I’m just really angry he doesn’t have the balls to talk to me and clarify things! I need to know so I can heal and find someone who deserves me truly.

Reply October 7, 2014, 12:43 am


Ummm, wow. I had no idea this happens this often. Long story short (to the best of my ability), I met a guy online. He was awesome. We talked for hrs at times, texted daily, he sent me photos of him & his son etc… we met once and it was great. That following week he faded into an all together disappearance act. I was bummed out royally- but what threw me off was that 3 1/2 weeks later, he texts me ‘hey how are you sorry I’ve been gone so long, situations at work got really challenging.’ I was so in shock. That’s a crap excuse cause I’d see him sign on the dating site a lot for hrs. I responded with ‘who’s this?’ He said who he was and asked how I’ve been. I told him ‘tied up right now. Let catch up later.’ I never responded after that and thus far haven’t heard from him…. I realized I didn’t need closure or be rude. Just peace out. As much as he seemed great, that didn’t matter. I see how he’s capable of coming in and out of someone’s life with no thoughts of feelings or emotions. Moving on…

Reply October 3, 2014, 10:32 pm


You. Are. Awesome.

Reply October 15, 2014, 6:20 pm


I met a guy online. We talked for almost two weeks before agreeing to meet up. (I initiated) the date or hang out went amazingly well. Prior to this we had spoken every day multiple times a day via text with funny pictures and videos and just overall how’s ur day how was work what are you doing now. It was amazing. Super low key some personal stuff but overall pretty surface and chill. I needed chill and someone who was responsive. Cuz I had recently dated a guy who wasn’t into texting or checking in and way too independent. I thought this guy was different. He always asked me details about what I was doing. Versus just saying oh ur watching a movie cool. He wanted to know what movie and knew how to keep the convo going which was a total switch from the last guy I dated who just let things die while talking on the phone or in text. The first date turned into a weekend. I met his friends and went to two different birthday parties. His friends referring to me as his girlfriend or girl and genuinely looking happy he had someone for a change. In the time we had been talking we let an entire weekend go by before meeting up and he was talking to me literally all weekend long . I felt secure he genuinely wanted to know me so we got physical when I saw him on our official first date. The next week everything was the same the same amount of talking and interest. He even started calling me on lunch hour and staying on the phone with me while he drove for work. He had dropped a phrase that he hadn’t talked like this to a girl in 7 years. Even his mom said he had recently become super talkative and she felt like he talked more to me than he did to her. Then I got concerned. It was Friday and we had such a good time and he didn’t say he wanted to hang out. He knows my work and where I live doesn’t allow for time during the week. So I figured by the weekend if we were still talking he would want to see me. I decided to ask if he wanted to hang out. He said to come by his house with him and his friend. I agreed. I get there and he hardly talks to me and is really tired and says he has to to work the next day to pick up some hours. So I leave kind of disappointed I even came if he was so out of it. He texts the next day says he’s sorry he was so out of it and glad I came by though. I think everything is good. He told me about a birthday party he was going to on Saturday. I casually ask of he wants to hang out before he goes in hopes he might invite me along or to feel out if he wants to include me but he says he already left. I tell him if he’s up for it we could hang out after. He says he will text me. He never does. Sunday rolls around I text to say hope he had fun yesterday and I was going to a little kid birthday for my niece. He says to have fun. Monday comes around he doesn’t send a good morning text. I decide to ask if we can talk later on the phone cuz I want to know where he’s at and if we should just call it quits. I name a time when I’ll be freed up from work. He agrees very nonchalant. I call he doesn’t answer. I text. No reply. Then I do a freak out text saying I guess it’s over and basically saying it was so disappointing and throw out all my issues I have had with guys and wish he could have just done me a solid to talk to me and not do this fade out act. He texts later to say he forgot I was calling and was at the gym and I need to stop overthinking things and relax. I bring up that he was shady over the weekend and I just figured he would want to hang out more since we talk so much during the week. I said I had an expectation that he would WANT to spend face to face time. He again tells me to relax and that that comment was kind of weird. I told him to forget it and just go back to his dinner as he wanted me to text rather than call. He says yeah he needs to get back to dinner. He texts me the next day good morning and brings up he’s sorry but he thought it was still weird some of the things I said. I text him like normal and we talk on the phone but everything is forced by this point. He invites me after work to see him at his place for a bit. I say I can but only for an hour and then I have to leave. It’s forced it’s awkward and just weird. I try to get past it and feel like he doesn’t even find me attractive anymore cuz he tried absolutely nothing with me. Not cuddling not a kiss and barely even a decent goodbye hug let alone sex. So I tell him the next day we needed to talk. And I would leave him alone after that. He says he’s with friends and they will be there for a while and to text instead. I try to say it’s important. He says I can text “whatever it is.” I ask him if he wants to keep talking. I lay out that I don’t think he can handle my past baggage and insecurities. He replies that he can’t and he’s sorry. But he thinks I’m a cool girl and wants to be friends. I tell him I would like to be friends but he needs to be real about it and not just say it and drop off. He agrees. Texts me the next day like normal but it’s short and not interactive and felt off. What I want to know is I know I shouldn’t have freaked out and assumed the worst. But was there ever a chance to push past the weirdness after that and make it work or was it doomed from then on? Does he maybe still have feelings for me? Am I able to ever cross over again now that we are friends cuz I don’t feel like I have gotten uglier and I know he was physically attracted to me. So has he lost all physical attraction and would never want to explore us again? Can I ask him to start over? Has that ever worked? How do I keep him interested in me without trying too hard but without letting him forget me by just not texting him at all? Is it really over?

Reply September 28, 2014, 11:42 am


This was just wasn’t that into you. You felt it in your gut, called him out on it and he flaked some more. He told you point blank he’s not into it and only wants to be your friend. Stop trying to make it happen and move on.

Reply September 29, 2014, 2:39 pm


Exact thing happened to me but this was with an ex that came back. Completely disappear and he will come back. Be aloof, busy and don’t appear needy. Have you contacted him again?

Reply October 1, 2014, 9:50 am

just me

There’s this guy, we are best of friends. He is like the most amazing friend you could ever have. He made me promise that we will always be best friends so I said yes of course we will. One day he told me that he likes me, I kinda expected it not because I want him to say it but I have this weird gut feeling that he indeed likes me more than a friend. I told him I like him as well because it’s the truth. I do like him and I can see myself with him, not only as a friend but more than that. Then one day, we talked like the usual then in the evening, I sent him a message and he didn’t respond. I told myself maybe he fell asleep and he answer as soon as he can. Then I found out that he removed me from his friends’ list and also blocked me in his other account. I don’t mind being removed in whatever social network account he has. What hurts me is, he went 360 on me, from being a sweetheart to ignoring me without any known reason. I don’t know what I said or if ever I’ve done something to him that he didn’t like. I don’t understand it or him at all. It sucks that I lost my best friend and also the fact that I told him I like him too then he disappeared. I guess I’ll never know why.

Reply September 24, 2014, 6:28 pm


this article really relates to me, as this guy i know told me he likes me one day and then the next, he just vanished without a trace. removed me from his social network accounts and ignored my messages. too bad for me, I like him a lot. I felt like I needed to hear an explanation from him but at the same time I tell myself that if he wants to talk to me, he would. I’m hurt. I just don’t get it.

Reply September 24, 2014, 3:48 pm

Marsy shahkarami

I met a guy on line he asked for my number and frim there we talked and texted regularly for 5/6 months. He lives in the same srea as me but when we met in line he was on a business cintract out of state. Regardless our chemistry was intense and he was so attentive constantly telling me how he’s “saving himself for me” and how just the thought of us seeing each other when he returns is just amazing. Until few weeks ago after being so consistent for a good 4/5 months his replies would take longer and I didn’t question him. He would text me all the same here and there but wouldn’t acknowldge my replies. Couple weeks went by and I texted him are if he’s ok and nothing so two weeks after that I trxted politely that whatever he’s chosen I wish him well. In the beginning we specifically agreed that if we want out to just say it no questions asked. I don’t understand him probably never will.

Reply September 23, 2014, 9:21 pm


Reading everyone’s stories, and particularly the helpful replies, has been comforting in my situation. I went out with a guy 10 years ago, we both happened to live in the same state, which was not our home. I got too attached too quickly, demanded too much, and when he didn’t deliver, I broke it off. He was sad but understood I wanted more, and he wasn’t ready. Since that time he emailed once in a while, we both traveled a lot, sometimes every few months, sometimes, every few years, asking how I am, where I live, what I’m doing..I sometimes replied briefly, sometimes didn’t reply at all. Fast forward, to a year ago. We are both now 12 years older, both had a child, both are single again. Both moved, and are closer to each other now. He emails, I reply more in depth this time, we keep emailing, every few days. We flirt, reminisce, apologize for both our behaviors in the past. We develop a nice friendship, he asks about details in my life, my kid, we joke, he really wants to see me. I chicken out of meeting him a few times, he says he knows I’m scared to see him again. We meet up when he is in my town, and the chemistry is off the charts, like in the past. We talk, kiss, he seems really into me. I happen to be in his town (have close family there), he’s asking to see me, several times, but I couldn’t, had no free time. We have phone sex, write long intimate emails, fun texts..We see each other again when he’s in my town, I meet his daughter (he really wanted me to), I told him I didn’t want him to meet my son unless this becomes serious. We have a great time, joke, flirt, meet again and have sex, which was amazing. He texts me, emails me, says I’m amazing, but doesn’t try and see me again though he stayed 2 more days in my town. I email him to say good luck with a work thing that was coming up….nothing…zero contact from him. It’s been 3 weeks now. For the past year we always talked at least every few days, sometimes, more that once a day. As it was me who sent the last email, and he didn’t respond, I’m staying quiet too. Heartbroken, but silent. What happened here, I’ll never know. Any ideas?

Reply September 22, 2014, 12:08 pm


This happened to me too. I met him on an online dating site. Everything was fine, I really felt that he liked me and that he wanted to pursue me. We was very attentive and kept messaging me even when he was at work. But then after a month he just started “fading away”. I asked him what’s wrong, and he said that he just felt unsatisfied with the company he was working in and that he hadn’t felt depressed again for four years until recently. I gave him some space and let myself not to be too bothered every time he wouldn’t reply to my emails right away (it took him 3-8 days before replying). This went on for a month. Eventually, he just stopped replying to my email. After two weeks, I sent him a message asking how he was (I didn’t bring up the fact that he hasn’t replied to my previous email) – still no reply. It has been almost four months now since. I disabled my profile on the dating website a month after the “no-contact”. I felt I needed a break to give myself time to heal, to reassess my goals, and to instill this mindset about dating that I’ve been learning from ANM. On the third month, I just felt I needed to know what he was up to. So I checked up on one of his social media profiles. He seems to be getting flirty and friendly with some girl. I’m amazed that I still got dumbfounded after all that time. I guess what I just really want now is to move on and completely forget about him. Although deep down I know that sometimes I still wish that someday he’ll come around. It was a painful ordeal nonetheless it was quite a learning experience.

Reply September 18, 2014, 12:49 am


I’m glad i found this article too! Honestly my last situation i met a guy and were dating for like 4 months. He was awesome! he lives in a different town but he would come every so often and we would hang out every time. He was a perfect gent. Paid for everything (not that i expected it), sweet, texted back all the time, called frequently and then 2 weeks ago he asked me to meet his childhood friends so the week after he said that they were in town. I hung out with his close colleagues as well that weekend and that was fine, eveything seemed normal. Then the next day was the big day to meet his friends and he was acting so weird the whole entire time. He admitted that he was having a bad day and we all went home. He said he would make it up to me the next day. The next day comes and he tells me he’s sick and then i say that’s ok and then i ask him if hes ok cuz he seems weird. From that text, he hasn’t said anything back and its been about a week. Like y introduce me to your childhood friends and colleagues and then disappear without a trace after 4 months? He didn’t even say a word.

Reply August 23, 2014, 9:46 pm


This article definitely portrays what I’ve been going through the past few weeks. I met a great guy of an online dating app and things were great to begin. We both wanted to take it slow and get to know each other. Fast forward to around 6 months later, I felt that the “relationship” was not moving forward so of course I naturally asked him what are things that would help him get to the next level (not necessarily putting a title on it but at least stepping up our communication). At this point, he basically said “I guess I’m not ready for a relationship” I should’ve ran after he said that but I didn’t because he said “Maybe we can try communicating more.” Needless to say 3 days after that I started feeling he was pulling away with minimal communication on his part. He would say he would call but didn’t. He ended texting me that week telling me “I’m sorry I couldn’t get a hold of you. This week has been horrible. I will be with my friends this weekend.” I was going to leave it at that but I decided to be mature and call him a week later to cut it off. Of course he didn’t answer. All I got was a text message the next day basically saying he would call me the next day because he was busy at work. Of course he didn’t. I will admit, it hurt pretty bad and out a huge dent to my ego. I ask myself from time to time “Am I doing the right thing by not reaching out?” At the same time, I know I did nothing wrong and he was a complete coward to not come forward and tell me he wasn’t interested anymore… In a way, it was his wrong and I don’t need to sorry about anything. It just baffles me that guys at any age (He’s 36!) are still immature jerks. I honestly thought he would be the last person do that to me but I was so wrong. Slowly but surely I will start to feel 100% happy again where I don’t think about him anymore. Blogs like these are the best and help me get through my rough times! I also don’t feel alone in my situation! Stay strong ladies! It will get better!

Reply August 20, 2014, 11:34 am


I think after six months it was high time you asked where the relationship was headed, and it should have a title by then. Even though you ended up being hurt, it was better in the long run. At least you can stop wasting your time on him. I know one would think a guy at thirty-six would be mature, but it’s been my experience that the ones that are in their thirties and ummarried (or even had been married but now divorced) tend to act more like little boys than teenagers.

Reply August 20, 2014, 12:02 pm


I think you’re definitely right- you would have spared yourself some anguish if you had pulled away sooner.

But this story seems to me an opportunity to share one of the deep frustrations that men have with dating (for some of us it’s subconscious, but it’s definitely there), and that is that often we feel more like the object of our partner’s “nurture programming” than actually the object of someone’s affection. To state it more clearly, myself and many of my close friends have dated women who at first seem pretty wonderful, but their interest in us as PEOPLE takes a distant back seat to their interest in us as men.

What does that mean? It means there are a lot of women out there looking for a “lack of red flags” rather than a REAL connection or real reason to fall in love. Simply having a man around who is loyal and considerate might be enough for you- but those two qualities are shared by thousands and thousands of interchangeable men, and putting them on a pedestal for it won’t make them feel special- just generic. (she’s not interested in ME she doesn’t care to learn anything about me, she’s only interested because i showed up, and because i happen to be a good man).

Now I’m not saying men can’t be JUST as shallow- but there is a critical difference. Men generally aren’t eager to bet THE REST OF THEIR LIVES on a shallow relationship. Women seem ready to wear the ring even if they aren’t actually in love with the guy as a person. One of my dates recently told me she spent 6 months with a guy who was a total robot and never showed a shred of emotion, yet when he finally broke up with her she was hurt.

WHY on earth would she waste her time with a guy like that? She shrugged and said “the heart wants what it wants.” Sadly that’s BS, she wasn’t listening to her heart, she was listening to fear. Fear that nothing better would come along, fear that on her own she is not a whole person. Men and women can both smell fear- and it ain’t attractive!

I think if more people realized that LOVE absolutely-must-come-first before ANY ideas about marriage or the rest of your life, people would be a lot happier. You should NEVER want to be with someone who isn’t into you for YOU, and it’s foolish to try. And yes there are a lot of inconsiderate immature douchebags out there who give men a bad rep, just like women looking for placeholder men give other women a bad rep.

My theory works, and i stick by it- friendship, then commitment, then love, THEN and only then is there any talk about long term future plans. Going in the wrong order leads to hurt feelings and disappointment, especially if it’s rushed for fear of losing the other person or “to make sure he’s serious.” If you can’t tell whether someone is in love with you, they probably aren’t. And every single one of us is worthy of love, whole and complete, and unconditional. Expecting that for yourself will raise the bar, it just works.

Reply August 20, 2014, 1:48 pm


You are so right!! I find the older I get the more men want to force me into a wedding ring. They dont even know my emmail address or middle name and are talking about marriage. Ive started to feel like a womb with legs! Ive been told they love me after one date, and I can barely remember their names. Its this mad dash into the future, they dont even know me. I want to be loved and cherish for the wonderful woman I am, not my ability to cook and procreate. As it stands…3 years…still single, but happier alone than settling for some one who doesn’t truly love me. Thanks for the “male perspective”

Reply October 8, 2014, 9:19 am


Where exactly do I start …..cause I am soooo hurt to the point of anger!lol
I met this guy on a dating site and liked his ‘total package’ …. Good looks, Great job and a very Confident attitude. You see, I am very sapiosexual and love to have a banter with like minds and since we both worked in similar demanding professional fields, I felt like he was the proverbial ‘One’.
At first, he would initiate contact always and sometimes first thing in the morning which seemed quite cute….. I felt he spent the night thinking about me! The Dreamer I was! Lol
Just before we met up, we were chatting about meeting up – he insisted on meeting me the next day. Sorry, I am no walkover and will not let any man give me a date to meet him without discussing it with me first, so I told him,” sorry tied up tomorrow, but is Wed or Thurs good for you? If so, we could go to this great place …maybe I can loosen you up a bit.”
That was a simple innocent suggestion and I was so shocked when he replied, “we should call things a day and move on!”. Now that that was out of nowhere…. So I replied telling him to hit the road! I also told him probably he thought I was one of the girls who said how high when he said Jump…. Sorry to disappoint, not one ounce of my self worth is dependent on his acceptance of who I am!!!
The very next day, he sent me a text that he really wanted to see me and how different I was to other girls he had met.
He kept insisting on meeting me which we eventually did and the next day he texted to say ‘ I really rang his bell’ and he really liked me, but his actions in the following days didn’t match his words. He would ‘disappear’ for the weekend and text first Monday morning ‘Good Weekend?’ , to which I will reply ,” Absolutely!” and he would then comment how absolutely beautiful I was in my ‘Whatsapp’ picture …… and those two texts will be the only contact I would have for the day.

It seemed as if the ‘relationship’ was not progressing, I didn’t know more about him than I knew on the first day and he didn’t ask questions to find out more about me.
Personally, I have always believed that no matter how much it hurts, ‘Never accept less than you Deserve’, so I started pulling back too and would only respond if he initiates contacts.
However, if you have been in this situation, you know how much it hurts when you know someone is deliberately laying games with your feelings! At a point, I had enough and I told him that it was best to call things a day and move on!

For weeks, I heard nothing from him but exactly the 21st day of my starting No Contact, he texted to ask in his words,” Tell me What you want from a guy….Honestly….No Political Corrections…Really?”. Hmmmm…, I felt probably he was open to making ‘this thing’ he had going work but it took me a week to reply that I wanted,” A man who Respect and Treat me exactly how he would want his sister or daughter to be treated”.
To this, he replied, I totally agree and do you think we just got off on the wrong foot?” I answered, I don’t know.
That was it …. He didn’t pursue the discussion and so the next day, I sent a text asking what he really wanted. He replied,” Settling Down together”. To this, I laughed and said, No I meant seriously and don’t dodge the question. He came to say obviously we can’t communicate. At this point, I felt like a child being given an empty promise just to keep me quiet so I told him, ” it’s hard to communicate in Text messages and some things were better said in person. Did he offer to meet…. No!!!! The conversation was left at that but still pondering about it, later that evening, I texted him to ask if he was married and he was like No and we kind of joked about it. However, he has ‘vanished’ again cause it’s been 4 days since so heard from him!!!
Sorry, this is long but I have never ever had a guy pull a ‘Houndini’ on me…. and yes, it does put a dent on one’s self esteem. However, how much a dent depends on how much you let it…! Does it hurt…. Of course it does!!! You wonder why would someone deliberately send mixed signals …. Even offering to go on holiday with you after only two days of chatting online!!!
Why contact me after 3 weeks only to fade out…???? Well, I guess to check if I still have the hots for him!
Initially, I felt what Is It about me what wasn’t Enough for him…. Am quite stunning, educated, with a good job and great conversation skills!!! Lol
The truth is ….. It is Not about me …. It’s All about him testing the waters on each ‘option’ he has met online! I have decided no matter how much the rejection hurts…. No one reserves the right to have a ‘foot’ in the door of my life…. You are either in or out! My feelings are hurt but I will not make a Priority, anyone who has made me just an Option.

Sorry this is so long. :)

Reply August 20, 2014, 7:04 am


I’ve just had this happen to me again (first time was my last relationship, over 10 years ago…I’ve only sporadically dated since then). We met on an online dating site, had been seeing each other for about 3.5 months. He’s 40, and even though I thought it might be too soon, had me meet his 6-yr-old about 1.5/ 2 months in (twice). I’m not a pushy person, and this isn’t something I suggested at all – it was all him. He also found out my birthday was soon during one of our conversations, and asked what he should get me for it…asked multiple times. As I usually have a non-memorable birthday alone (it’s mid-August, so people are always away or too busy), I was wary but it felt good to have someone I liked be interested that I have a good day. A few days before, I texted him a hello…then heard nothing. Almost a week went by, and still nothing. I feel very hurt and disappointed in myself for believing him. It would be nice to have an explanation, but I doubt I’ll get one. I know I deserve better than this treatment, but how do you get it? I know people who never have this happen to them, yet I can’t get a proper “break-up” myself. I’m too old to let this take over my life (34), but it still has me feeling so deflated and sad and teary.

Reply August 18, 2014, 8:49 am


Ugh. He couldn’t even be bothered to reach out after 3.5 months of dating? That is what cowards do. No way to tell what happened other than he simply sucks. You are way better off. Anyone who can disappear like that sucks badly.

Reply August 18, 2014, 9:14 am


Thank you, I know that’s right, but it’s still hurtful. I wish he hadn’t initiated all of the things/situations which indicate some sort of seriousness or interest (meeting a child, celebrating a birthday). I’m not fond of my birthday, nor am I a “normal” woman who fawns over all children & babies, so I would never have done either of those things without him starting them…which he did. Maybe he thought he was interested & got scared, maybe he thought he was ready for a relationship & isn’t, maybe he changed his mind, maybe he’s just an asshole. Either way, I will probably never know.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:32 pm


unfortunately sometimes people fade away- and it’s not easy but you can’t take it personally. it’s one thing to fade after a first date- i’ve done that and i have it done to me many many times. But after such a significant period of knowing someone it becomes an incredibly childish and selfish way to do business. The thing you have to realize is that if this kind of behavior is the way this guy handles a situation like that, then you have been spared a pretty bad situation. it probably means he has zero tolerance for even the mildest sort of confrontation and simply doesn’t relate well to other grown ups when communication is key, ie awkward/emergency/emotional situations. I have a pretty large circle and i don’t know ANYWAY who would do something like that without some kind of serious instigation on the other’s part (ie you borrowed his car and wrecked it or something lol).

Be grateful it wasn’t any longer- you need people in your life who communicate out of honesty, not out of fear.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:46 pm


Thanks, it’s helpful to hear a guy’s point of view on this.

August 18, 2014, 8:32 pm

Sam Steris

Blaw, I would love your advise on something. Can you email me (samster6124@yahoo.com)? Would really appreciate it.

September 3, 2014, 5:04 pm


This so hit close to home!! I started online dating and met this awesome guy…we were texting literally nonstop for there days. It was so easy! We talked on the phone for almost 3 hours and there was so much chemistry there. We excitedly made plans to hang out. We talk again on the phone for another hour the next night and I am on cloud nine. All of a sudden, he gets really distant. Not wanting to be “that girl”, I just casually text to say hi. He writes back apologizing, saying I’m awesome but he “can’t do this anymore” and he is “not ready to offer anything.” Why would you be on a dating sure if you aren’t ready?? I’m so confused and cannot understand what happened.

Reply August 14, 2014, 12:09 am


Did you ever actually meet him in person? I am in your situation but sort of from the opposite side & want to shed light into what may be happening. I recently joined a dating site and met with someone who’s company I enjoyed. But it dawned on me that I am not over my ex and still have unresolved feelings so it is not fair to a new relationship to keep seeing someone or investing in it if I am not completely emotionally available. This could be what happened to him. Either that or he simply decided he’s not that into you. Or there is someone else. But the bottom line is he told you point blank he is not ready to offer you anything so you need to fall back. Be glad he told you that, even if it’s not what you wanted to hear, because he could have just completely never contacted you again and done a complete disappearance on you,which I think is way worse. Get back out there and date more. He’s not the one for you. Also, I’d caution you against over-texting someone so soon on. Too much texting can burn some people out.

Reply August 14, 2014, 8:30 am


No, we never ended up meeting in person, which makes me even more disappointed. He would always say how gorgeous my pictures are and how turned on he was by me on the phone. Trust me, I never want to be the “clingy girl” and never would have kept up that level of intensity if he hadn’t given me the green light. He even remarked how crazy this was because he’s “never texted the living shit out of a girl before.” I just can’t believe that kind of connection was only in my head.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:50 pm


I see how you would feel hurt. My advice to you is that next time, look at actions, not words. My general feel is that if a guy is not asking to see you/wanting to meet up, he’ s not that invested. With online dating, I advocate meeting someone pretty soon somewhere in public after the initial contact. That way you can see if there is chemistry or not.

Reply August 14, 2014, 2:58 pm


I agree with Jujubean, at least he told you now rather than later. Or even told you at all. I seem to always get the disappearing act, so whatever it is that I’m doing or not doing, I don’t know. Mine waited over 3 months and just in time for my birthday…

Reply August 18, 2014, 11:08 am


There’s one of two things going on here- either he’s bipolar/clinically depressed (which does happen believe you me) or he switched his focus to another girl. Sadly in the early stages women and men do this to each other all the time. If i had a dime for every “awesome” first date with both of us excited to make plans later, then she cancels last minute never to be heard from again, i’d have a lot of dimes! I have done that as well- but if i MAKE plans for a second date i will never cancel last minute- just a rule i have for myself. if im not into i won’t agree to another date.

Relationships can be beautiful, but the dating part before you have a real connection can be brutal. That’s why my recommendation is to hang out as friends and get addicted to each other’s company, become genuinely interested in each other, then if the attraction is strong you can talk more openly about pursuing something and be honest about whether either of you are going to keep serial dating. Communication is EVERYWHERE these days, and that has actually made dating much more difficult- not easier. Everyone has dozens of options, and if you DON’T have a lot of options the other person will still assume that you DO, and put their defenses up accordingly.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:54 pm


women do the exact same thing to guys, even more so in fact, since women will speak based on their mood that particular nanosecond (OMG i can’t wait to hang out again! … crickets); women also cancel dates at the last minute more than men and for more ridiculous reasons (my dateless friends said some jealous crap about him and i know them better than i know him- date’s off!)

For men its generally pretty simple- your attraction at first is coupled with curiosity- if the attraction holds you will continue to explore your curiosity about her. if the attraction isn’t very strong or decreases the more you hang out (this happens A LOT) you lose interest. ghosting is the alternative to saying “I’m not really attracted to you anymore.” which would you prefer?

honesty does NOT work in early dating relationships. We have trained women to be selfish in conversation then act shocked when they are (i talked to her for two hours on the phone and she didn’t ask me a single question!). then attraction wanes because she is too self absorbed to find out about you.

my theory is that creating friendships first is ALWAYS the way to go- you build trust you explore mutual interests, and if there is attraction it can get steamy romantic and it happens to be someone you actually like. Don’t try to meet MEN or WOMEN, meet people instead. and see what happens!

Reply July 23, 2014, 4:14 pm


I agree that both men and women do this but still stand by that it’s rude behavior. It’s better to just tell someone you’re not feeling it then just completely disappearing on them and leaving them wondering if you are going to call/if they were so horrible of a person/meant so little that they didn’t even deserve the basic human decency of a response/communication.

Reply August 14, 2014, 8:32 am


I agree and i did exactly that recently. After two first dates with a lively beautiful blond (middle school teacher) I had to let her off the hook. She was funny, attractive, fit, and wore glasses (i love glasses!) but her conversation skills were HORRIBLE.

Now I could have vanished on her after that goodnight kiss and ignored her texts, but instead I reached out and told her I felt like she didn’t listen when other people talk, just waited for her turn to speak and that made conversation difficult. After two dates she already seemed pretty attached, but I doubt she knew a single thing about me- she never listened when I spoke and didn’t ask me any questions. Just a regular conversation with her was excruciating.

I could have faded and ignored her, but she said she also had trouble keeping friends and I thought reaching out with honesty might help her out in the long run. She didn’t take it well of course lol (she told me she was a very good listener!!!), but maybe deep down she’ll get the message.

So I definitely believe in being honest when you can be, you might help someone out.

Reply August 18, 2014, 3:57 pm


Good on you for telling her straight up. She may take that as a lesson moving forward in her interactions with people; to actually listen. Also, I commend you for being honest and telling her you were n’t feeling it. See? Wouldn’t it be so much easier if everyone just honestly said how they felt instead of leaving the other person hanging. Golden rules and all that.

Reply August 20, 2014, 9:01 am


I recently met a guy online, and he was really chatting me up. Since it was online dating, I took it with a grain of salt and tried to not get too excited. He was eager to meet and planned a first date for us, which was the best date ever. We got along great and he asked me out for a second date while still on the first. The second, third, and fourth dates all went well also. He told me he was starting to like me and didn’t want to take things too fast (aka have sex too soon) which was refreshing to hear from a man for once. He then asked me to meet up with him and his friends at a bar a few nights later and I said sure. I never heard from him after the last time we hung out, not even on the day we were supposed to hang out later. I texted him asking if we were still meeting and never got a response. What the hell.

Reply July 19, 2014, 7:45 pm


Don’t reach out again. He told you he wanted to hang and then never reached out again nor did he respond when you sent him the last message. If he pops up again later, call him out on it. In the meantime, move on.

Reply July 21, 2014, 10:23 am


Seriously! This just happened to me! He came to my art show, met all my friends, was so supportive, and asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his friends for his birthday – which is tomorrow!!! But then… he dissapeared. I’m sad because I truly just miss talking to him.

Reply August 5, 2014, 12:56 am


The problem here is you met a douchebag. This is probably what happened, and if it sounds mean and petty that’s because that’s exactly the type of guy he is.

1) his attraction to you probably wasn’t very strong; many guys do this, they multiple date and love the attention and the options. the line about waiting to have sex only makes sense if he made a serious effort to mess around in other ways (which i get the feeling he probably didn’t). He liked that you liked him, and were up to going out with him.

2) asking you out with his friends probably felt like a great idea to him at the time but with the option of other girls around, he had second thoughts.

3) being a shallow douche who was basically propping up his own confidence, he decided not to get back to you rather than say something like “my friends are bringing a couple girls out I haven’t met, and in case i’m attracted to them i decided i better not bring you”

SO in conclusion we have someone who likes the shallow dating thing so that he doesn’t feel alone, but if the attraction isn’t genuine he’ll tell her he’s not interested in sex quite yet. Sadly women do this as well, it’s the “i don’t want to be alone tonight” syndrome- and it’s not that they want to score, they’d just like some sap they’re 10% interested in to pay for dinner.

Men who are interested in YOU will be a tiny bit nervous, flirty, stare at you a lot, make plans, and most definitely try to get into your pants. If they’re interest in you is flattery over the fact that you are interested in them, they are shallow, insecure, and petty. There’s only one you anywhere, so it’s worth it to meet people you really click with!

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:05 pm


We met 8 months ago, we worked together for few months & everyone at work thought something was going on between us…he had a girlfriend at the time, so I made sure not to get attached. We would text all the time everyday. We drunk kissed at staff do but straight away we both said to forget it. 4 months ago he broke up with his girlfriend & I seem to listen to him constantly moaning about how hurt he was & lost. He changed, he became mega flirty & wanting to always hang out, making plans to go on holiday, camping etc.
The sexual tension between us was unbearable, he would every chance he got touch me or snuggle up to me but we never got past that.
Now he’s doing the disappearing act on me & he has so many of my DVDs, how do I ask for them back? I just want to disappear out of his life to.

Reply June 30, 2014, 5:40 pm

Lil Petite Princes

Sounds like he used you for an emotional crutch to get over his girlfriend.
He could be cheating on you now by going back to her to ease of the pain his ego suffered.

Reply June 30, 2014, 8:51 pm


Zee, if he did go back to his ex, don’t take it personally. It’s probably for ex sex.
Guys love ex sex because it’s easier than taking on someone new. If it were me, I would call him and give him a time and date when I was going to go there to pick up the DVD’s. Definitely get back your DVD’s. But then you could always leave something you really don’t need there – just to see if he cares enough to call you – to get it back to you. I remember when I started to get serious with my on-again, off-again of 5 years. I invited him to leave clothes over for convenience because he was staying over often. His response was, “Oh no, I can’t do that because I’ll be getting serious then.” Yet, a few weeks ago he asked me if he could leave his Ponds at my place and left his socks for me to wash. LOL, WTH! He told me of a girl he was once seeing (a few times) who wanted to leave her blow dryer at his place. He said he read her the act and said, “Hell, no way!” If you’re looking for someone emotionally available, forget about him after you tell him why.

Reply July 1, 2014, 12:13 am


I actually think he’s having sex with someone else. Few weeks ago I would have cared cos I really liked him (even though I kept telling myself not to). I have some of his DVDs too so might just wait & see if he texts me about it. I know I’ve been used just like the past 3 guys I met, all went well, all had ex issues they couldn’t get over, then bam! disappear…change in guy types I think ha

Reply July 1, 2014, 2:41 am


You need to be the bigger adult here, and show him that you aren’t fazed. “What we had was cute, but I’m gonna need those DVDs back!”

You can make it a joke, but keep your texts very short and keep bugging him about the DVDs, don’t bring up anything else. He’ll get the hint and snap eventually, and you’ll get em back, especially if you stick to DVDs as your topic lol. Clearly there’s a lot of better men out there for you.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:10 pm


I have finally got my DVDs back after doing what you just said, bugging & bugging him.
I don’t miss him, I don’t hate him, I just got fed up of wasting my time on him…

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:22 pm


nice work! yeah much better to enjoy life around people who energize you, than drain your energy around people who suck. well done

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:30 pm


I’ve known a guy for 6 months now. In the first months, he seems like he’s not that interested because he rarely texts me, so I never text him first. I guess I got him when I pretend that I don’t like him. Few weeks more, we hang out a lot and even had intimate times together. Got the chance to get closer. Weeks of never ending texting if we were not able to see each other. After some times, somethings changed. He can go for days without remembering me. Text or call. If I don’t initiate, he wont reply. Even accused him of having someone else, but he tried to explain that he’s just busy about his work. I did tried to understand. But the following days, he remains the same. He’s having a lot of alibis. So I confronted him about being so unavailable. I accused him again that there is something wrong. He never text me back. I never text him too. He never keep his promise also that he will make time to see me before he leaves. (leaving for 1 month vacation out of country) I never hear anything from him again. He will come back soon. I dunno if he will meet me after one month or will just ignore me totally. I was thinking to finally cut the possible communications to save myself from expectation. Or I will leave my communication open and wait for his call or text?

Reply June 28, 2014, 6:34 pm


chichi, snip, snip. get the scissors and cut him out of the picture you are trying to make for him. doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of this anymore so set yourself free from him. you probably won’t want to, but trust me later on you will thank me. if you keep making yourself available, he will simply take advantage of you and it could go on for years where you become FB’s. Don’t do it. You will hate yourself when you realize you gave him control when you could have and should have dumped his worthless, selfish, uncaring ass instead. Sorry, but you should move on and forget about him. He sounds emotionally unavailable. Flip the tables, you ghost on him, permanently, Save your energy.

Reply June 28, 2014, 11:42 pm


Update: before he left he send message that he was sorry that we didn’t had chance to spend more time before his vacation. He said that he was just too busy about his work and he wants us to stay in touch while he’s away. I didnt know that message because it happened that I deleted my account on whatsapp so when we got the chance to text each other thru bbm, thats the only time i read that message after 8 days. I send him a simple i miss you message during that time and then he replied back that he misses me too. During this month of his vacation, its just once that we talked via bbm and i was the one who started the conversation. After that i never message him again because i feel like that i never even got into his head this whole month while he’s away. I don’t want to text him again because I don’t want to remind him that I still exist, i am hoping that one of these days, he will be reminded of me and at least text me. And if not, I dunno how will I act when he comes back because right now, Im losing interest on him. I just don’t know how will I tell him.

Reply July 20, 2014, 8:27 pm


To use the expression you need to find a “grown ass man” lol. This guy isn’t man enough to handle the situation like an adult, so you’re going to have to be the adult. Let him go, and realize that he has absolutely nothing to offer you because you aren’t interested in this kind of treatment.

You can do better, a lot better.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:13 pm


Thanks! Its been 20 days since I cut off my communications to him. He knows where to find me if he’s still interested. Though sometimes it hurts when I think about the good times we spent. But Im not letting it distract my silence on him. Gonna give myself a treat after i finished my 1st month of NC with him.!

Reply August 20, 2014, 4:25 pm


This is a good article, but shit is a lot easier said than done. I mean, how do you go out of your way to get my number from someone else, flirt with me at work text me and call me beautiful and make plans to hang out and shit then just out of no where you stop talking, you dont even want a hug from me any more, and you quit your job on top of thay now i really wont be able to see you anymore. I mean..I didnt want a relationship and neither did you…so why didnt we do it and just leave it at that? Why did you give up before we got to that part when that was the point (atleaat thats what I was hoping lol) in the first place, why did you even waste time talking to me if you were just going to give up? The only reason im hurt is because I got what I wanted taken away from me; the perfect looking guy and bang his brains out. Now that I was so close, I almost want to chase it untill I get it. Ughhh. I feel like I will never get over it.

Reply June 18, 2014, 11:27 am


Hi Lola, You really said it all and hit the nail on the head. Exactly how I feel too. “Why didn’t we do it and just leave it at that?” Why all the chase? I am now convinced that these type are emotionally unavailable men who only enjoy playing games to see if they can still get the girls interested. They are only seeking that satisfaction. And boom, the minute they realize we are interested they feel the “control” they seek, and boom, ghost on us. In reality they are emotional vampires. We are better off giving up on them and not ourselves by chasing after them or pinning over them. I’ve been going through an on-again, off-again situation with one for 5 years. The only reason why I do that is because I feel comfortable with him. At least I thought I did but I am tiring of his games. I realized it is all about his need to feel in control – that he can take it or leave it. I used to blame it on the alcohol and all his stress in his life and make excuses for him. And that is a narcissist or borderline personality disorder. Don’t waste your time girl, you are better than that. And the best part is that after all the chasing, when they do get close enough they tell you, “You deserve better. I am a screw up.” Or they friend zone us. I had one who wanted me to be his angel while HE pinned over his ex of 4 months. Yes, lol, 4 months. He wanted me to be his lookout if we hung out that night because he couldn’t handle being in the same place as her. Be thanking he walked away when he did. Before you got really addicted to the game. These are the type who really can’t appreciate us so even if we took it further, we would probably still get that ghost end result. And then we’d be pissed, instead of confused.

Reply June 18, 2014, 1:57 pm

Me Again

Spot on Ruby.

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:30 pm

Me Again

Lola, if you are certain ALL you want is someone to **** then by all means, call the guy up and tell him so. He will be at your doorstep within a few minutes. I’m yet to find a man who wouldn’t no matter what the girl looks like.

However, you need to think very very deeply if this is what you want. Going down this path because something is better than nothing can actually make your heartbreak so much more intense, so bad that it causes some women depression.

The fact you wrote, I may never get over it, tells me you like the idea of the emotional intimacy which is why I wrote the second paragraph. It appears you want the closeness of emotional intimacy and **** buddies will give you the opposite.

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:28 pm


It’s painful to be in that situation but what you’ve got here screams “pre-existing condition” lol, as in he probably has an ex somewhere that came back into the picture. If he met someone new that was competition for you, since he wasn’t officially your boyfriend chances are he would try to hang out with you also- at least for a while, instead of suddenly going cold.

So if it’s not an ex it’s probably some personal issues that were around before you came into the picture (the job might be an indication). The best thing you can do is NOT take it personally; you think about him a lot while he probably is completely preoccupied with something else- i doubt very much he sits around thinking about not liking you anymore.

This guy isn’t very good at juggling his adult responsibilities- he should have communicated with you a lot better, but he’s afraid or uninterested in that so he just fades away. You should let him go and wish him the best in whatever personal career/ex/crisis/personal issues came up. You’re probably more grown up than he is in general.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:17 pm


So glad I found this article!! I thought I was the only one who had this problem of men being interested in me and then vanishing into thin air! My latest situation that really bothered me was I was talking with this guy for about 2 weeks and we were talking everyday an he was very responsive and it was like a breath of fresh air, talking to a guy that actually has a good conversation back to me. I enjoyed talking with him a lot and he told me that he enjoyed it too. We never saw eachother yet and we made plans to see eachother on a Saturday. He had talked about how excited he was to see and meet me and get to know me. I was so happy those 2 weeks and silly me thought that maybe this could be the start of something good . Well little did I know the night before we were suppose to meet was the last night I would talk to him. Told him id contact him in the morning and I txte him a few times and no reply . I really was in shock and didn’t think he was like that at all . He even told me how much of a straight up guy he was . Hah . Funny . Anyway I was in denial and thought maybe something happend and he’d contact me the next day apologizing and making plans again to meet.y would he act so interested to just go Mia?!

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:00 pm


OMG,,,r u serious??Was this guy’s name Randy by any chance?Coz i just literally read my story in yours!!!!

Reply June 16, 2014, 12:28 am

Me Again

I’m so sorry you and so many women are going through this. I’ve been heartbroken for the first time only recently and it’s devastating so I feel like I need to hug anyone going through it.

Maybe he has a short attention span like a child and saw something shiny and got distracted. Maybe it’s your angels looking after you, making sure you see him for the immature gronk he is instead of letting your heart get devoted to him only for him to do this down the line when you’re deeply attached.

Follow the articles advice (Eric and Sabrina know their stuff. I have followed their advice for years and it’s always been spot on). I’m pretty confident he will be back and then you can tell him you’re not into games….see ya.

I think a new red flag should be if a man tells you something like I’m a straight up guy, RUN FOR THE HILLS, because a guy who has to tell you this is not a straight up guy (even if he genuinely thinks he is, he isn’t!!!)

Reply June 19, 2014, 7:17 pm


This exact same thing just happened to me to! Talking every day for nearly a month, had planned to meet up then he cancels at last minute. I told him I like him, and he said he’s really interested too….then suddenly, nothing. No contact at all! Sick and tired of getting upset, just feel really frustrated now. Men are such wimps, why can’t they just be honest in the first place?! Thrill of the chase…. :-(

Reply July 2, 2014, 5:43 pm


Guys like this make dating a lot harder for the rest of us. This guy has HUGE insecurities i’d wager, and if you had never actually met it’s probably something as simple as fear that you wouldn’t like him, so he pulls the plug himself and retains control. If you had never met in person it may be that he doesn’t look ANYTHING like what you imagined and was unwilling to go through with a personal meetup.

If he actually lost interest in YOU it would have been a bit less sudden (if he’d met someone else he would have gone cold much sooner, and if he’d met her right before your date he still would have shown up, the more the merrier!)- but that doesn’t seem like the situation here- guys can’t wait to meet women. We love women, we want to be close to them and a chatroom or texting ain’t gonna cut it.

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:23 pm


We were very close for a few months. He always had a bad temper, we’ve fought too many times but we never ended things. That night we had a huge fight again, over a petty issue (courtesy his bad temper) He sent me a text saying “I blocked your number” I did the same. Blocked him on whats app as well. We ended up blocking each other every where – Facebook, whats app, phone calls. Initially I felt he can’t just forget how supportive I have been over a petty thing and accept his mistake, apologise (in fact I tried to mend things although it was his fault) I thought our bond was stronger than that. But no, days passed and he didn’t care. How I deal with it? I have accepted the situation, the reality. He is gone. He won’t be there anymore. But the truth is that I can’t trust a guy who can walk in and out over any silly things. I don’t want such a guy in my life. So, I am not crying over him. I am definitely not someone who will lose confidence over such things. I know I am awesome and he needs a lot of growing up to do. Ladies, never ever feel you weren’t good enough! Don’t let anybody steal your confidence. God bless! xx

Reply June 11, 2014, 10:54 am


sometimes the wrong relationship ends with a fireball. you know in your heart when it’s wrong- and women have huge hearts! They have a lot more patience for men than most men deserve; you certainly don’t need a man with a severe temper around- there’s millions of us without that particular handicap. kudos for moving on and being strong about it. Time for an upgrade!

Reply August 18, 2014, 4:26 pm


So I’m in this situation right now…we met went out a few times and like on the 4th or 5th date he was telling me he loved me. I remember stopping him and telling him no, no you don’t. Anyway a couple weeks later I started feeling that I loved him. So bout 3 months total I find out he wants to get back with his ex who left him for someone else. That didn’t happen and so I was there. Long story short he was not over her cuz it’d been only about a month since they split. Well I am pregnant and so it makes it much more harder to just accept a disappearance! It was not planned at all as u was in birth control and didn’t want any more kids(I have 3 of my own)We will be tied because of this baby so how do you deal with that?? Anyone??

Reply June 10, 2014, 4:00 pm


I’m so sorry you found yourself in this situation.
You have only one issue you should be focusing on right now and that is, can I look after this baby on my own or do I even want this baby.
His fickelness so early is a bad sign. If you try to look over this as a confused man or whatever other excuse we give to men we are attracted to, you and your children will suffer.
He is not a stable person and MAY never be. Dont rely on him to turn into a Disney Prince and save you. He is too selfish for that. Right now he is trying to mend his heart (erhem ego) by going back to the ex that crushed his ego.

You have a small window of opportunity abort a child if that child is going to be in an unstable home. Are you going to be a mentally stable mother….if not consider what you should do….keep the baby, abort the baby or adopt out the baby. Dont waste another thought on him and his ex girlfriend.

Sorry I had to be so blunt but during heartbreak we seem to be deaf, blind and somewhat insane. Almost everyone on this website understands that feeling.

Reply June 11, 2014, 8:57 pm


I agree. You have to think of you, your children and your possible future child not him!

Reply June 11, 2014, 8:58 pm


Perfect timing! I really needed to read all of these comments. Long story short, met this guy a month ago. We dated heavily within the month, 12 dates to be exact. He introduced me to all his friends on date 2 and met my sister on date 6. I have to say he was pretty eager from the first date. He did a lot of “future” talk and would tell me he really liked me.He tried to see me as frequently as possible and we would text practically every day with a few phone calls in between. Well, I figured I would step up and invite him to dinner last week, which he cheerfully accepted. The day of the date he sent a cancellation text. Ok , no biggie, as this had not happened before. He said we would get together sometime that weekend; that didn’t happen. Two days ago, I decided to text him to see how he was doing and to wish him a great final week of school…you guessed it… nothing! Needless to say, I am thoroughly disappointed by this. I guess a red flag on first date was he talked about the ex cheating on him?! She lives in another state, by the way. He was the one to say on the first date, that if either one of us didn’t want to see one another at some point to just tell the other person. So much for communication! He did tell me once that it hurt him a little that I didn’t text him for two days after one of our dinner dates. I told him that I didn’t mean to offend, but I was letting him lead and didnt want to bother him. He said I thought I gave you the green light to reach out to me. Needy? Insecure? I am in disbelief and disappointed. A part of me wants to reach out and acknowledge that we werent exclusive, but I thought he valued communication and was under the impression he would have extended that courtesy to say not interested or whatever… what do you think?

Reply June 5, 2014, 11:13 am


He clearly has issues, and you don’t need his issues to become your issues. You need to find a man, not a boy. If a guy wants to be with you, he will show you he wants to be with you. There will be nothing to wonder about. Don’t waste another minute thinking about him and don’t text him again!!

Reply June 11, 2014, 9:49 am


I am used to this. I have seen my guy friends do this as well.

The first guy who went ghost on me had another girl. We talked like everyday and then all of a sudden, he vanished. It took me a long time to recover since I got attached to him emotionally by talking with him a lot. Now that I know he is just a jerk, I am just sorry for the girl he is with.

And one of my guy friends did it. He had sex with her and had great dates several times, but then she showed her craving to be in a relationship which he didn’t want at all. and he freaked out and ran away. And the girl got so crazy over this, and she came to his house and made a fuss about it.

As seen above, it has nothing to do with you when a guy does that, so girls! let’s just take it as a good lesson and move on. ahha I think a guy i have recently dated is doing this to me now, and I just deleted his number and all. I just take this as God is preventing me from assholes before I get any more attached to them lol

Hope yall be fine

Reply May 28, 2014, 11:43 am


It was 10 months ago,
I had a crush on this guy for a really long while on social media and I followed him on facebook, out of curiosity and i didnt even talk with him. I just kept my feelings hidden. He sent me a msg weeks later thanking me for the follow. You could guess how I reacted! :p I was really happy and joyous (am 19 years old, and can still act childish if I get over happy!) :P we started talking. I was being friendly. Apparently OVER friendly and i most probably appeared clingy. I wasnt really experienced with men and I didnt have any prior knowledge on the whole dating-men etiquette so I know I was the one who ruined it. Anyways! We kept talking and eventually we exchanged numbers. We met up for a cup of coffee and here is the funny thing :P I still laugh about it till now, even though it was 10 months ago! ) He gave me his house address, out of a joke, and I delivered cakes to his home..personally, before I invited him off for a cup of coffee. So you can say he went on a date that he didnt plan off. He cut me off and ghosted out totally after that. I started blaming myself for being so ridiculous and silly and stupid. I still do, everytime I remember him, even after nearly a year. Looking at it, its like a black-comedy. It hurted me so much since i got ghosted out. Like, you could text me and say it directly, I wouldnt mind. But at the same time, the way I got lost in the area and was too egotistic to call him for directions was pretty hilarious. I had high hopes, i thought guys like these “acts”. He most probably thinks am a whore and stalkerish. Though, i still applaud myself for my excellent stalker-ish skills (LOL)

So in summary, I learnt that no guy is ever worth baking cakes for :D

Reply May 17, 2014, 5:07 pm

Sydney Girl

Your stalkerish ways are adorable. It comes from a good place but it appears you have learned a valuable lesson and that’s to back off a bit and let a man chase you.

They love the hunt and your baking so soon (and more so the delivery of those cakes) simply dampened the fun for him and he values hard to get.

Neither good or bad, just the way it is.

I would suggest you look at the more introverted type who dont have lots of options and they will love every second of your Disney like lovely personality.

Reply June 4, 2014, 9:05 pm


I am very happy I ran across this page.

I have been talking/seeing this guy 9 months and what started out as a fling to me turned into something much more than I had expected. We have been through some major emotional situations with each other. One being he gave me a STD and wasn’t aware that he could pass it on to me (Or was he thinking it would never happen to him?) We continued to talk/see each other and then out of the blue he told me he was in Love with me?! Then a few weeks later he expressed that he was moving to his parents 3 hours away to get his life together.I accepted that because I understand when you fall you need help and that was his goal getting his life back on track. At the end of Jan he moved and we continued to text each other every day and then a week before Valentines I found him back on the dating site we had met on (I knew better then) . We argued got angry with each and came to a mutual agreement/resolved so therefore I thought things were good between us. He had stated that he needed me in his life stating I was such a positive impact and that he valued that and needed my friendship. He also stated to me several times that I deserved something so much better than him and that he wasn’t relationship material.Then until a month and half ago. He then sent a text stating that “he hasn’t forgotten about me and hope all is well.” In response I stated “Never crossed my mind that you had. Hope you are doing good as well.” I thought that everything was fine and normal. I understand life happens being that we are both in our 30′s working etc. I then was being goofy one night and had sent him a text thinking everything is grand and his response was “who is this?” Now here is my question Ladies and Gentlemen why when everything seemed to be fine and normal would he delete my number? Did I respond incorrectly? Is he trying to prove that he can forget me?! I questioned it but he never responded. Then about two weeks later he deleted me on FB. This sent me over the edge and I have gone into a depression. I am guilty, I questioned that as well and yet still no answer. I am no longer going to send him messages because I get the hint. But, it is a bit harder for me because he gave me a gift that keeps on giving. I think that I am having a harder time with this because of the STD issue. The fact he can go out and date and not care and I am still very emotional about it. I now come with a warning label if you want to date me. I normally get over things pretty quickly but this I am having a very hard time with.
Lost and confused.

Reply May 1, 2014, 5:06 pm


To clarify I wasn’t aware that he had an STD. He didn’t disclose of that until I had to ask him.

Reply May 1, 2014, 5:26 pm



I’m sorry this happened to you. I think this guy has a lot of issues he needs to deal with – and that he doesn’t even seem to be aware of. If he is passing along an STD, that really says all you need to know about him. It is really unfortunate that this is something you now have to deal with, but I would advise you to use this as a lesson. There are people out there who don’t care about anyone except themselves, people who are cold and cruel, and this guy sounds like one of them. Please, please don’t give him one more minute of your life – even through your thoughts. I know that’s easier said than done, but please try – even if just for me, some stranger on the internet. We women have got to stop giving these guys power – karma will catch up with him one day, so please don’t be depressed over a worthless boy.

Reply May 2, 2014, 10:49 am


I met a guy at the grocery store, he’s the manager of the meat department… Every time I would go in he would make small talk, the more I saw him and talked to him the more attracted I was. He analyzes everything. He barely looked me in the eyes while talking, kept looking me up and down inspecting everything. There was a picture was posted with his name. So, I looked him up on Facebook. Since he works at the store I get my groceries from I used a different picture.. Very immature, I know!! I think I was worried about how awkward things would be. I don’t know! Anyways he have me his number and we talked for the next day or two. I did end up telling him who I really was and yes he was a little weirded out that I lied I the beginning, but things seemed to be fine between us. He invited me to meet him up at the gym, he was very flirty, very touchy, in between sets he would come talk to me. I played it cool didn’t go running to him, but made sure he knew I was interested. At the end of our workout he sends me a text telling me he noticed I painted my toes.. and wanted to see them! As in, send a picture…lol I have nice feet and it wasn’t a big deal. I was getting a lot of playful teasing via text. Things were going well, We planned on getting together on the weekend. Randomly the next day I get a message. Saying kindly delete my number, he’s started talking to his ex, then changed the reason to he has enough friends. Fine, no big deal I deleted his number. I saw him at the store later that night avoided him. He came up put his hand on my back and said hey stranger. I saw him at the gym the very next day. I didn’t make eye contact, but from the corner of my eye I could see him trying to get my attention. I messaged him via Facebook and politely said. You asked me to delete your number, you wanted no contact… So don’t go out of your way to talk to me. I’m not playing games… Now he’s totally avoiding me, getting someone else to help me at the counter.
I am SO confused!!!! What is his deal and is there anyway to fix it??
Sorry it’s long and confusing but I tried to give as much information as possible

Reply April 4, 2014, 3:09 pm


so I really like this new guy I met he likes me and his day s are busy with school work and some other stuff so I write something cuz he hasn’t written me so I txt him ssayinh hi how are u hope ur not workin ya self to hard lol but I did want to ask u a question u can call or txt .nite later and he texts me back saying
Hola señorita (it means hello miss)I’m doing a paper right now we can text wassup? So I ask
Just wondered what made u see that made u say that I seem like a nice girl ( personally in your opinion) I meant to ask this when we first started texting ?

after that question I wrote how come hasn’t he answers me its been two days and he hasn’t replied so iam wondering since he was finishing up his paper waist because he’s super busy or did he lose instreasted in me after that question I asked him and why I really like him did I chase him away with something I asked him??

Reply February 27, 2014, 8:31 am



Move on. Please save yourself further heartache and move on. No one is so busy that he/she can’t reply to a text. No one. There are so, so, so many guys in the world and you have to find one that will pursue you, and trust me, he’s out there. I know it’s really hard, but please don’t waste any more time on this boy.

Reply February 27, 2014, 10:41 am


Went on five dates with a guy and really was into him. I felt an immediate spark when we met and he asked me out soon after that. Well…after the last time (a really great date that lasted for hours and had some really amazing kissing/making out), he has gone poof. We were in touch a bit after that but it was me initiating and I invited me to hang, he said he was out of town, then I reached out again one more time and he, for the first time ever, did not respond to me at all. It’s been weeks since then and I’ve not heard from him neither have I reached out. And I won’t. Because I am not into chasing people. It does suck though, I admit, because I thought he liked me and I was really taken with him.

I will never understand why people do this. It is rude and classless.

I had been out with a guy (another guy) myself who I figured there was no spark with after two dates and some talking. When he reached out again to me I told him that I did not think we should go out again because I didn’t feel we were a match/were compatible. Easy peasy.

It’s not hard to do.

People should treat others as they want. Nobody likes to be ghosted.

Reply February 19, 2014, 11:37 am


Oh of course I have had guys pull the vanishing act on me. Especially the one I feel the most for. And usually what I do is pull back and give them a dose of their own medicine. Most people don’t like when you do that, especially a guy who is used to you giving him attention as if he is a movie star. Lol Now usually when I give him a dose of his own medicine, he eventually comes sniffing around wondering why and wants to know how I could possibly be living without his presence. By the time he does come back around the tables have been turned because now I’m not as interested as I once was because you treated me like an option. Is that playing games? Mmm, I say no, because I don’t play around with feelings because I don’t like to be played with. I just simply do me and the guy usually figures out that he can’t treat people that way because you can lose out on something awesome all because he wanted to be a jerk.

Reply February 18, 2014, 8:46 am


I wish there was a LOVE button for this!!! I pull back too cause I believe No matter him much it hurts…… I have too much a Self Respect to serve as anyone’s entertainment!!!! So hit the road….!!!!
It doesn’t matter that If it hurts like Hell but I am not going to pursue any man!!!

Reply August 20, 2014, 7:57 am


Hey guys,

I don’t generally ask for advice about my relationships ( this isn’t a relationship) since I am super reserved, but I’ve found this website helpful and needless to say I am CONFUSED. So 3 nights ago I went dancing and hit it off with the bartender in a small joint. During the night I’d went up to the bar three times and all times he served me, we held eye contact and smiled, on my last drink I finally got the courage to tell him I thought he was a cutie I was attracted because he seemed so casual, comfortable in his skin but in no way cocky or overly flirty. He replied saying ” I had been meaning to tell you the same thing” and at one point he also asked if I had come with my bf. Anyway back to the last drink service – I asked him to dance but he replied he couldn’t since he was working but would on his day off. I shrugged my shoulders and danced the rest of night :). Ok, so as I’m salsaing with this guy ( who btw I was not interested in, strictly dancing) the bartender put a piece of paper into my hand and asked if I remembered his name- of course I did. I ended up leaving with my gf 20 min before the resto bar closed. I didn’t look for him, nada. I was confident I’d see him again. I texted 1.5 days later, we texted back and forth a little, he compliments me on my dancing asks if I could teach him, than he takes 2 hours to respond- whatever could be busy. Hours later he texts suggesting we meet for a drink sometime at this point I’m caught up and end up texting a few hours later but I apologize for the late reply and say It’d be nice to meet up. Its been an entire night and all day and nothing. Whats up?

Reply November 9, 2013, 8:47 pm



I met a very young handsome and extremely wealthy guy. We chatted for a month or two and then I went to his house and we had sex. We wanted to talk about getting exclusive and I was a little bit pushy and impatient about it. He is very reserved and talks very little and this attitude irritates me. I asked him severally if he didn’t want to be me. He told me not to leave but I couldn’t stand this his Always busy reserved nature so.. I deleted his number and ended things in my mind. But the problem here is that I was inlove, he is my every breath .. so I did everything to get him back . I bought books upon books be a guy magnet… Helped me get him back and I bought different books to get him to be open to me and guess what he is more open and we are enjoying our relationship. I will say this guy is one of the most complicated guy on the planet .. u need a lot more than beauty nbrains to get across to him . I am glad I am reading .. fowisdom lies in learning.. cost me money but I am getting value for my money… I had already lost hope we will ever be together

Reply October 27, 2013, 4:18 am


Every individual is a little unique and it is quite unfitting to pack all men in the same bag. Although we do share some similar patterns, we are all different given our familial, cultural, and even racial background. I am a dude who admittedly has shied away from many relationships that were apparently working great. I know I have hurt the ladies in I was involved with; but give my own unique background, it was all for their own good that I decided to run away. Currently there is this young and fine co-worker of mine that I like a lot and who likes me even more. She is as sweet as they come, pretty, and very dependable. A lots of guys would die for her, and I ought to be fighting the universe to keep her. But, I would rather avoid her and try o pretend that I do not care at all about her despite my strong feelings for the lady. Why am I doing that? She is ready to be my little queen and will certainly make me happy! Here is what many women do not understand about some of us men. We sometimes love you so much that we think we do not deserve you! Thus we cut off and run rather than face the reality of hurting you in a face to face situation. That might appear strange and downward pitiful, but it is a fact! A guy can actually like a girl so much that he do not want her to discover his emotional, financial and other personal baggage and struggle he might be dealing with. He might be struggling with alcohol or drugs, he needs money, is dealing with debt, has families issues to fix up and a whole host of problems that are difficult to deal with. The man cave is therefore a mean to put things in perspective, an escape route! I like this young lady and I will be distraught if she meets someone else! But I feel as if I am not capable, on many grounds, to make her happy! She deserves a lot better than my ” bullshiets” and keeping her at bay is in many way my expression of caring for her. I am trying to get my life together, hope she understands; but, the reality is that I can’t stop thinking about her! I am all serious around her when the fact of the matter is that I am a joker and a funny type of guy! I try my best to make her forget about me while simultaneously burning and dying on the inside! I was abused and witnessed abuses as a kid! I have always held women in esteem and consideration and I never want to be in a position of hurting a woman! Thus, when a woman gets too close to me, I panic for I feel as if I will repeat the same abuses that I have witnessed growing up! I am a great friend but I have seen so many relationship failure that I much prefer to keep distance when things gets too hot! That’s my own unique situation ladies and, let’s be clear: all guys are not the same and often than not, a man will run to the hill and hide because he realizes that he truly cares about you. If he didn’t, he will try to use you for his pleasure and let you off the hook!

Reply October 8, 2013, 2:55 am


Ori, thank you so much for your sincere comment! You’re absolutely right. We shouldn’t pack all men in the same bag, it’s unfair and untrue.

Reply October 15, 2013, 8:11 pm


It’s not fair, you’re being selfish. If she’s feeling you no matter what you’re going through what you’ve been through she wants to be there. I’m going through this with a guy and it’s so not fair that he pushes me away because I WANT TO BE THERE. I want everything he have to offer, idc what baggage he have, he shouldn’t deal with it alone, I WANT TO BE THERE. My heart is broken because he won’t let me in, he won’t talk to me, he ignores me but I know he care, I know he want me to be there, I can tell in the way he hold me, touch me, look at me. It’s just not fair.

Reply February 5, 2014, 10:11 am


I’m am kicking myself going through all these comments and realizing the best thing to do after a ‘break up’ is to end contact.

Around 7 months ago I started talking to an old friend I’ve have know since I was 12 (I’m 18 now) we were great friends and talked a lot almost every day for a few years. Regardless of living in the same town we never hung out together because I was always too shy to meet him. During our friendship I knew he had a crush on me but never pursued it for fear of having to meet him in person, so when he started talking/dating a friend of mine I backed off and ended contact with him. He sent me numerous messages and even had his girlfriend ( who use to be a friend) ask me why I quit talking to him. Eventually he gave up and 3 years passed. I would often think about him and wish him happy birthday every year but one he failed to receive and the second time we started texting again for about a week. This year I wished him happy birthday again through a friends Facebook and a few days later he gave me his number telling me to text him. We talked all day and night up until 10 am the next morning. We texted every single day almost all day for a month straight. During this first month maybe a week or two weeks of talking I decided to skip my afternoon class and go to his house which was right down the road from my high school. This was the first time I met this man up close and talked to him in person in 6 years. I only stayed for 20 minuets or so before leaving again and I was surprised by what he looked like. Not that he portrayed to look like someone different but he wasn’t what I thought. Regardless we continued talking and hanging out for another month even to the point of me spending the night at his house after my prom. Very early into our relationship he told me how much he cares for me and that he even loves me.. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before so I was hesitant on what I felt but said I cared for him too to spare his feelings. The more and more we were together I found myself becoming very attracted to him and thinking that I could even love him. being a bit insecure I would pick fights with him for no reason and tell him that I doubt his feeling for me.. Needless to say this caused a lot of problems. From the first night we started talking he told me about his drug use of heroin and how he only did it occasionally when he got paid. I told him (before we started becoming more serious) I couldn’t continue talking to him in a romantic sense because of his drug use..so he told me he would quit for me which I believed. Eventually he started becoming more distant during our 3rd month of talking and after one month of not seeing him (the last time being my prom night) I went over his house to hang out. I could tell from his pupils he was using again and I was a bit standoffish that night which he realized and I told him I was leaving where before I basically would not willingly leave until I absolutely had to. That night was the last time I seen him in almost 4 months. During the 3rd and 4th I tried to keep talking to him trying to figure out why he was so distant and what was going on. The 3rd month was the last time he told me he loved me and he eventually stopped replying to my text messages. Also during our relationship his phone would act up to where we wouldn’t receive each other’s texts and would have to download texting apps to continue talking. So I was unsure of which of my broken-hearted hate filled texts he was getting. So I messaged him on Facebook basically telling him to tell me right then what was going on and that I obviously still wanted him and could not take a hint so to tell me how he felt. He read it and never replied so I took it as he no longer wanted a relationship with me so I ended contact. 11 days (5th month) later he texted me apologizing and saying how stressed out he was and how he thought I hated him and how he hated him so I replied out of concern. The conversation died quickly but I was just happy he was talking to me again and through out the 5th month I would text him maybe once every few day to talk and he usually would reply but with hours of time in between and not replying back after so long. During the last day of the 5th month I drank a bit too much at a graduation party and texted him. I asked him if we would ever be together again and he said he couldn’t be with me because of his drug addiction I eventually ended the conversation with saying I f**king hated him. And we didn’t talk at all for the 6th month until the last week where I contacted him. This month being the 7th I have talked to him every few days with usually me contacting him first but sometimes him too. During this talking he has said he has missed me and how he liked when I would be sleeping next to him because it would relax him. These are about the only ‘good’ signs he has giving me along with being flirty but more recently when talking he takes forever to reply and just doesn’t finish the conversation. As you can see I’m not over him and maybe if I would of ended contact in the beginning things would be different but I very much would like to have a second chance of being with him. My question is knowing the background what should I do? I do not want to play games anymore and only put in as much effort as him and wait until he contacts me but I feel as if this is the only way. I definitely don’t want to just give up and move on because I feel as if our relationship is very unfinished. What I want to do is to straight up ask him his feeling because if I know for sure he is uninterested it will be easier for me to end contact again. This is the road I’ve usually taken with him but I don’t want to rush things and feel I should continue talking to him a bit longer before trying to see if he’s interested in starting something again. I feel as if I no longer mean anything to him and this is very hurtful and heartbreaking. I just don’t know where to turn and I want to make the best decision for myself and my interests. I feel as if I could love him if we had a longer time together but I do very much care for him. I think I’m going to give time a chance, letting him miss me and see if he come back but I would like to hear everyone else’s opinions! I’m tired of being uncertain and heart broken!

Reply October 7, 2013, 5:05 am


Sorry for such a long post! I’ve had a bad night with him and just needed to vent a bit and also wanted to give enough information so I can try to justify putting so much energy and time into this situation lol!

Reply October 7, 2013, 5:09 am


I actually recently experienced this so-called “vanishing act” with a man I’d been seeing. He had begun to tell me he was falling in love with me, and spoke of a future (kids, white picket fence, the whole ordeal). Just as I started to allow myself to fall for him, he began to lessen up on the contact and would take hours (if not days) to respond to a text message. I don’t ever over-do texting or calling, simply because I’m busy and don’t really have time for technology- it’s just my (type B/ laid back) personality. After a while, though, I began to start to suspect that he was drifting away from me, and when he did contact me, I asked him about it. He told me that he wanted to continue on the path that we were on, so you can imagine my relief and elatedness at the idea of being able to start back on this path that he and I were on, but then two days later told me that he just wanted some space to think about where he wanted to be relationship wise. I respected this and gave him space. After about a week, I did attempt to contact him, and he told me he was on the phone with someone else but would call me a half hour later. He never called, so I decided to text him the next day to end things.

The reason I’m sharing this with you guys is that I think it’s important not to lash out at someone in these circumstances. I respectfully told him that I was going to take a step back and explore other options, wished him the very best in his future ventures, and stopped contact. It’s only been a few days, to be honest, but I am so proud of myself for keeping a tight reign my dignity despite my anger and disappointment at being let down. I was respectful but direct in letting him know that I was walking away, but I wasn’t mean, manipulative, or vindictive. I feel that this showed him that I know my worth, that I’m not going to play second fiddle, and that if he ever decides to step up to the plate and actually date me for real, I won’t tolerate that sort of behavior. I didn’t have to fight or argue with him, there was no drama. I think that women can really benefit from remembering that they are worthy and that they don’t have to stoop to any level of being disrespectful because they are hurt. Remember that the anger you feel is HIS burden to carry. The man I was dating? His actions don’t define me.

It’s taken me a long time and a lot of these articles and other research on relationships to understand my behavior in relationships, but I’m so glad to have these pieces of advice to motivate me and remind me of what I need to do to be happy and to encounter a truly fulfilling relationship. Thanks, a new mode!

Reply September 30, 2013, 1:48 am


Your story is really inspiring to me, I had to screenshot it for future reference. Haha. But all in all, I hope you find someone amazing one day, you deserve it.

Reply October 7, 2013, 11:36 pm


Thank you so much for this article! :)
This is exactly what happened to me but was worse… Because he was a work colleague so I had to see him everyday, I think this makes him even more of a dirtbag.

Reply September 29, 2013, 7:08 am


Help me sisters, i met this guy a week ago at my work. We were partners and together everywhere. Many thought we were couples annd i had also seen his intrest in me but i got fired last thursday then he said,’he’ll leave the work too cause i aint there anymore’ ! Now he doesnt text me but he liked my status only last hour.i think why is he changed so suddenly? And also he went to the work cause he didnt get new job and its ok but they said a new girl iss his partner! #sso oh no. Help.

Reply September 24, 2013, 8:10 am


You know what ladies.. after reading these comments, all I have to say is men are men, regardless of what age. I too am going through the ghosting of a guy i met.. His 32, am 27. We met at a club during my work leaving do.. We bumped into each other one couldn’t stop smiling and talking to each other. He introduced me to his companions who also happened to be his work colleagues. We were talking when my very drunk work mate pulled me from the conversation. My friends went back to him and he gave them his number to give me.. While leaving the club we bumps into each other again and he asked if i got his number.. I said no.. And we swapped numbers again. After that night. We texted, they started off playful and really just normal getting to know you textes.. He would even apologize when he didn’t text me back straight away or the next day.. The textes started to get flirty and very sex heavy. We swapped pictures and he seemed really happy with what he saw.. I know i was happy with what he sent me. He seemed like a whole package.. Good looking, smart and very sexy.. not to mention the sex Textes where so toe curlying good. We planned to meet up a week after initially meeting and then he went MIA. The next day he sent me a text to say sorry for the late reply was really wasted and took me a day to recover.. I sent back a response to say hope you feel better and that water was what the doctor ordered. He sent back a thanks doctor and that was it.. I sent him a couple of messages later that day.. No response.. A day turned into a week then two weeks and nothing.. then i decided that there was no point me wasting my time thinking of a guy who was not obviously interested in me. So i stopped thinking of him and concentrated on sorting out my mortgage and looking for a flat. After a stressed week.. I decided to give in, texted him to say hi, how are you. He responded a day later and said he was good and had a rough week. I sent a response to say sorry to hear that and i hope it get better. I have deleted his number, deleted the messages and what’s apps as i don’t want to be stupid and text him at a moment of weakness. But what is with the disappearing act.. If you aren’t interested tell me.. Do not disappear.

Reply September 22, 2013, 5:02 pm


I’m thinking that there was someone else in the picture…either someone else he liked and it panned out, or he got back together with an ex. From what you have related, it was certainly nothing you did and the vanishing just came out of the blue. However…I would hesitate to call this a true ghosting. You weren’t seeing each other. You had never even been on a date. At the stage you’re in, it’s common for the other person to just end communication. I’ve done this myself when at that introduction stage. Personally, unless you’ve actually been on a date with the person, you’re not obligated to give an explanation. And as much as you say you would have liked an explanation…would you have really liked hearing, “I’m not interested anymore. Stop texting me?” Rather than vanishing, what he did was leave you hanging. And yes, it would have been more courteous for him to just say, “Hey, I had just broken up with my girlfriend when you and I met and we decided to give it another go.” But that COULD be an awkward, dramatic conversation. Whenever I’ve tried to have it with someone, they’ve always wanted to know WHY I’m not interested and what can they do to change things. It’s just a horrible conversation to have.

Reply September 23, 2013, 7:15 pm


Shannon you are right.. It is a common practice at the stage if for whatever reason he was coming out of something or going into something more his speed and interest.. It just got me as it seemed he blew so hot and then that was it. But since the last brief text with him about a week ago.. I didn’t reply to a text that to me seemed very drawn out after he said he had been having a stressful week. I too have stressed weeks, so I just responded saying I wished it would get better.. He sent back a reply of thanks and that was it. I have since deleted his number and moved on.. Concentrating on other more important thi gs in life but not shutting .y self off from experiences.. He was just another frog.. I will kiss my prince one day. For now focusing on me and the betterment of my life. Thanks

Reply September 27, 2013, 2:43 pm

Julia Scott

I have been seeing a Chief of Police who is 12 years my elder. I am 46 and he is 58. We got along great. Every week went to nice dinners, great conversation, etc. He asked me right from the start if we could be exclusive with one another. Within 3 months he told me he was in love with me. I was trying to take the relationship slow and that kind of pushed things faster. Of course, I fell in love with him too and completely head over heels. He was somewhat possessive however. He would get very upset if I posted a new profile pic on FB or put a posting on. He said I was trying to get attn. He also wanted to know any guy that tried to contact me. The only thing that I asked him to do was to promise me that he would tell me if he no longer wanted to see me. To please have that respect. We had that conversation many times. He always promised he would tell me. Well, a few weeks ago he was having a few issues going on with his older daughter and our conversations were getting less and less. I started to feel like I had to message him first all the time. He used to call at least every other day and I didn’t get a call for a couple of weeks. RED FLAG, so I confronted him through email as I could not see him, I said that I know he has alot going on but I really was starting to feel like a convenience and explained why. Never once did I act irrational in my emails, etc. It was written in a caring way. I have not heard back from him in response to what I said and that was 2 1/2 weeks ago. I simply was devastated that someone I trusted with everything could be so cold and he would know by not saying anything that it would drive me nuts. I did not call him once. I really was trying not to bother him. I did send a final email and told him I simply cannot understand why he did not tell me that he did not want to see me anymore and that I would never do something so inconsiderate to someone that I told I loved and cared for. Since, I have went back on FB/LinkedIn and posted a pic of myself and it was almost liberating. I can’t believe I let someone control me like that and then ghost on me. Like I never existed and meant nothing. It does hurt really bad, but I believe the issues are within him. He always used to tell me that I am the entire package, etc. I do wonder why alot and can’t comprehend someone of his so called character would do such a cruel thing, but he did and it is what it is. I am not begging for him to come back. They should at least be honest and give the relationship closure. I don’t understand why they would leave it open like this. I didn’t have a clue whether we were in a relationship still or not or if was just having one of those bad periods in his life. Made no sense. I finally cam to the rationalization of he he should have never let me have this space to myself to give me a chance to move and find someone who treats me better. I already have many men giving me attention and treating me nice, yes it is hard to trust them and I will probably get hurt again. If a man does this, he is a total coward. I thought at least a law enforcement officer would just tell it like it is.

Reply September 18, 2013, 3:47 pm



I’m sorry that happened to you, but also glad that you have moved on. However I do feel that when a men does the disappearing act instead of being a men and talking to you about whatever his issue is, the hurt lasts longer and is more hurtful. I think because the emotions and the things you both said to each other than do not mean nothing to him and he was playing you. That might not be the case and his feelings may have been real but by disappearing that is how it feels. I know it makes me angry and hurts because it is so disrespectful. I confronted mine by showing up at his house and told him how I felt about his behavior. I did that for myself and I felt better because I felt that I released those angry feelings on him. I was very calm about it , which is better because they expect the opposite. My guy had a lot of issues going on, but I don’t think that excuses him at all. I wanted to let him know that he wasn’t much of men by disappearing and I deserve to be treated like a lady. He agreed and said he should of called or answered my phone calls. I haven’t seen him or spoke to him in a month now but it help me put closure to the whole thing.

Reply September 18, 2013, 9:21 pm


Thank you for the comment Stella. It completely devastated me because this is not the man that I knew. He always dealt with issues straight on and if he had a problem he would address it and not afraid to tell me how he thinks about something. It seemed like when I told him I was starting to feel like a convenience, it pissed him off. I was just voicing how I was feeling. He always wanted me to follow his rules and he could tell me if he didn’t like something. I did get back on Facebook after a couple of weeks of silence and I noticed he removed me from his friends list. He didn’t do that to the other love interests that I knew he had previously. Just really hurts because I was nothing but nice and accomadating and I have no idea what happened. Maybe because I spoke up and said something of how I was really starting to feel. Like I said before, he is the one who told me he loved me etc first. He hooked me right in. Wanted to know every man who messaged me and what they said, etc. I know he had a problem when someone would try and contact me of the opposite sex. I can’t help it, I didn’t know I was going to get a msg from someone saying “hi” or “how have you been”, etc. I always told him as he requested thinking I was doing the right thing. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!! I should not have said a word. It has been a couple months now and I have not heard a peep from him. I did turn on the news and saw him on there the other day and my heart sank. So I know he is alright. He is very high up in law enforcement in our city. We had an agreement from the start of the relationship that if either one of us decided that we didn’t want to see one another, that we would tell that person. I had this discussion many times and he always said “of course I would tell you”. Well, he didn’t and just cut me out of his life with no explanation. I almost feel like he wanted to do this to me for some sick reason. He probably thinks someone hit on me or something and got mad and was going to punish me good. Its sick behavior!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he knows that this would drive me nuts! and he is 58 years old. I am still completely shocked by his actions and not just telling me. I sent several emails afterwards and told him that I didn’t expect that kind of character behavior of a man of his quality. He never responded back so I will never ever contact him again. He lost a smart, funny, kind and loving woman.

Reply October 29, 2013, 1:28 pm


I see all these new comments about guys ghosting on women. Sorry, Sabrina, I don’t mean to cut in on you here, but here goes for all those gals with the recent posts out there in the dumps. Look, don’t feel so bad. There must be something you liked about what you had or else you wouldn’t have had it. Just accept it for what it’s worth and decide if you want to continue down that rode. Just keep your options open. You can still have YOUR cake and eat it too while waiting for Mr. Right to come along, if he does exist, or looking for Mr. Right. It doesn’t make you cheap or easy. Nor do I think it makes him want you any less. Not in this day and age. And definitely not if you’re over 40. If it does, then he really is playing games. Just remember, HE’S your “backpocket guy,” that’s all. Look it’s 2013. It’s not that these men are boys, they just don’t want drama and what’s isn’t drama to us, sometimes is drama to them. Look at it the way they do, and maybe things will work out, but don’t hold your breath and don’t expect not to be hurt either. I have my girlfriends and family who don’t mind when I need to unload the bricks. I’ve realized the guys I see can’t handle my challenges. And yeah, that’s disappointing but it’s not the be all, end all. Also, I noticed. the minute a guy thinks I’m done with them and now into another guy, that guy makes his way back to me. And ironically it was their idea I date other guys. Unless you’ve had the relationship talk and agreed you are dating or in a relationship, then the guy doesn’t think he ghosted on you. Guys are on an entire different timeline than women. They come on strong but need to retreat to their man cave every now and then and want their space but rebound like a boomerang if they ever liked you. When you’re feeling down, just remember the Stones song, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you’ll find you get what you need.” And I love all my sisters out there and their advice, but they will always think I deserve better and so do the guys. I do too but I haven’t met him yet. (I was close for 15 years, thought I was with my “sole mate.)” I’m 50+, 7 years later, and still trying but stopped trying to figure them out. It’s a waste of energy. You have to remember, once the oxytocin kicks in, it’s a whole different world for us. It’s our nature to want to bond. Rather than beat myself up, I just tell myself, who may be right for me at one time in my life, may not be at another time. Just take it or leave it, move on or keep your options open. Your attitude will make a difference – they can sense it. Be strong and not confused. Let me know how it goes. Get your head out of the sand, text or call that fool if you really want him back, or dump him now. I don’t delete their numbers. I laugh when he texts me “by mistake” — my name and his bestfriend’s name are listed next to each other – to see if he gets a quick response from me. If a day later, I hadn’ texted him back, I get a “sorry I texted you by mistake I meant that for my friend R, not you. Only delete him if he told you to, or else his sloppy texts to you could be fun.

Reply September 15, 2013, 6:52 am


Well, this just recently happened to me.

He had been acting flakely all week so I told him that it was over, and that I couldnt handle it. Immediately, I ate my words apologised, called no answer. I have sent a few messages and called since and nothing. This was two weeks ago.

I am pretty sure he had been acting flakey because he wanted it to end. Well here is what I wish he had said:

I like to think that this is what he had wanted to say:

‘Don´t wanna see your tears
Baby it’ll be ok
Don´t wanna see you cry darlin’
No way! (ooooh)
But it just don´t feel the same
(just don´t feel the same)
I know what you´re about
(I know what you´re about)
And I guess that I don´t love you anymore
And I´m sorry, but it just ain´t working out

I´m sorry it just ain´t gonna work out
(just ain´t gonna work out girl)

Don´t want you to be sad girl
Don´t want you to be afraid
I know that will you understand my ways
One day! (oooh)
No need to be upset girl
(you just don´t understand)
Please don´t scream and shout
(Please don´t scream and shout)
I know that you were hearing wedding bells
But I´m sorry
‘Cause it just ain´t working out

I´m sorry it just ain´t gonna work out
(just ain´t gonna work out girl) ‘

Reply September 15, 2013, 6:31 am


I just wanted to update my situation… contact has been made. But really because i became psycho bitch and a sent a few more texts regardless contact was made- and it turns out he needed space… then back to silence

Well the situation worsens as I messaged him again last night (drunk) and we got talking (via text as he refuses to pick up his phone) and turns out he is not ready for a relationship, because he has lots going on his life right now.

so now what??… well I know I should leave it.. not text- au revoir etc. But alas, that is too late, I sent him a message saying how much I missed him and that I didnt want to loose him by just cutting ties, that I didnt need a relationship straight away etc. … and of course no reply. FML

Reply September 22, 2013, 9:54 am



Do you know his phone number by heart? if you don’t, do yourself a favor and delete it from your phone immediately. That way, drunk texting him will be obviously less likely to happen again and you won’t have to deal with you regretting stuff you texted him.

I’m going through the same situation as you, trying to get over someone who’s playing hard to get or who doesn’t care about me (I don’t know the answer). I still have him on social media but he’s hardly ever connected so I know there’s no point sending him messages cause he won’t read them until the next day or so.. and when we do text guys, we want an immediate answer..

This is why, once again, my advice is to delete his phone number. It’s hard but it’s the first step to get over someone..he might come back to you or he might not.. but chasing him won’t make him like you more..

Good luck !

Reply September 22, 2013, 10:05 am


I agree with Marion’s advice and also have something else to offer. I broke up with my boyfriend a year ago (he actually DID break up with me) and like you I sent him a few angry texts in the beginning. Then I got a grip and stopped texting him. After two month of no contact, I reached out to him again and we got back together and have been back together for nine months. So, the relationship isn’t necessarily done and over. But it will be if you don’t back off and give him space. He needs time to miss you and put the relationship in perspective. That’s not going to happen if you’re texting him and being in constant contact with him. So no contact after a breakup does two things 1) helps us get over the person IF indeed the relationship is over and 2) also makes the person miss you by your absence

Reply September 22, 2013, 11:22 am


Shannon, so needed to hear what you had to say. Many thanks. I don’t know if we are totally over or not. He has blocked my calls, so I don’t even try anymore. Whats left? Beats me! Has proposed marriage, committed but actions and behavior just don’t matchl

November 24, 2013, 2:19 pm


I’m so happy I came across this website :) No matter how many time your friends tell you you’re not the only who ever went through this kind of situation, you always think you are. and it feels good (even though the situations are sad) to know that there are other persons out there who had guys disappeared on them but who also tried to re initiate contact.
About 4 years ago, I met this guy online via a friend we had in common. we started talking more and more and even started flirting. at the time, I was like “what’s wrong with me? flirting with a guy I’ve never met, really? “lol but I thought that guy was so good looking and I was so self conscious about my appearance that my ego was boosted. he was in California, I was in NY. at some point he was supposed to move to ny, and we were both really excited cause we knew something was gonna finally happen between us. I went back to my home country for the holidays and one morning I read on facebook he had decided not to move to nyc after all. I was bummed.. but hey, we were not dating, I could do whatever I wanted to with my life, and so could he..
a few months later, he broke up with the girl he had started dating and I was recovering from a minor heartbrake, when guess what ? he contacted me again.. I was so happy. we were both bored with our lives, we started talking about going on a trip together in asia.. i’m gonna pass on the details but the day before I was supposed to move back to my home country, and so 3 months before going to asia, I found out he had blocked me on social media (even though he kept texting me)..I was devastated and humiliated (I had to find an excuse when every kept asking me “when r u going to asia again? ” and I had to answer ” im not going anymore”… three months later, I texted him, saying that I deserved an answer as to why he had done this to me. he told me his work plans had changed and didn’t have the courage to break the news to me… we started talking again a couple of months later…and that’s when we found out we both had decided to move to Australia (no I wasn’t moving cause of him lol I didn’t even know when I started making plans he was going as well)..
the problem is I had gained weight and was even more self conscious so when I moved to Australia, he kept asking me to hang out and I would always find an excuse and one day I told him “listen I don’t feel good right now, really self conscious,bla bla..” he told me he would never judge me.
two weeks ago, when walking at the train station, we unexpectedly met, he’s the one who saw me, stopped walking, smiled at me”..i was so relieved and wondered what he had thought of me.. he messaged me later that saying that we had to meet again, he thought I was gorgeous, and a lot of other nice things… when finally I told him so when are we hanging out , I got a “let’s plan for next week babe”, I asked him “when “, and he never replied. I did what I probably shouldn’t have done, texted him again, just a question mark as a text lol, and then again a few days later saying something like “you’re more complicated than French guys , how was ur weekend” no reply.. and then facebook message saying that if he didn’t want to communicated, the least he could do was saying so, cause that was rude not to reply”.. and still no answer… it’s driving me crazy, im dying to know why he changed his attitude like that… he hasn’t unfriended me yet so im not sure what to think. I started by deleting his phone number so that I know I wont text him anymore but I still haven’t managed to unfriend him.
I know that story might sound pathetic but I guess it feels good to share it… any comments and advice welcome :)
thanks for reading :)

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:44 am


I don’t think you did anything wrong by texting him asking WHEN the date was going to happen. That made no difference in the outcome…he has done the vanishing and ignoring thing to you all along. I went through the EXACT same thing with a guy, and it turned out there was someone else in his life and I was the girl on the side. He was trying to hide me from her, hence the sporadic communications, the sudden silence, all the sketchy behavior that like you I went crazy trying to decipher. Whether that’s the issue in your case or he’s just plain playing games, I don’t know. I do know that you should stop giving this guy the time of day. Whatever his problem is, it’s not YOUR problem. If you haven’t already, maybe it would be a good idea to post a personal, especially since you’re new to the area. Once you have other options you won’t want to bother with the duds.

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:40 pm


In my opinion, I would forget him! you deserve someone better. If a man loves you, he would never do these things to you. I can understand you’re drawn to him because he treats you sweet enough to hang on to his bait and then drop you as soon as you are hooked. It’s a very cruel game and I have been there more than once. The sooner you break loose of any connection to this kind of relationship, the better your chances of meeting the right one for you. Do not listen to what he says or write … listen to his actions instead and listen to what your gut feeling is telling you. Good luck to both of us hun!

Reply September 14, 2013, 3:52 pm


Thank you Mari for your comment ! :)

Reply September 14, 2013, 8:43 pm


It’s amazing and therapeutic to know that I am not alone in this experience. It’s difficult not to take it personally though. I needed at least a day or so to mourn and evaluate things. After the physical pain (probably from all those excess adrenalin in my body), I have to make a decision on how to turn things around and love myself back. Just like Sabrina´s advice, I kept myself busy and bury this experience in the past where it belongs. and hope to God I will never hear from him again.

Incidentally, I was in another long term on and off relationship with someone else in the past and I would hate to go back there, therefore avoid it like a plague. I have always been positive, knows how to look after myself, have a good job and loving family and friends, have a good heart and would not do onto others stuff that I wouldn´t want them done onto me. Yet, I seem to keep bumping into same type of selfish boys. Most women would have given up but I continue to believe that one day, I will met this special guy just for me and so should you. xxx

Reply September 11, 2013, 3:34 pm


oh the disappearing act. how pathetic someone is to do this to another human being, not once, but three times! fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me…..
he has disappeared 3 times. unfortunately i do know that he is alive so it was not because he dropped dead that he disappeared. after the first time i completely lost myself. not because i was in love with him, but because i truly could not believe that someone could do that to another human being. that someone in his field of work could be so cowardly to just simply say, i am not into this any more. it took a while to get myself back after that first disappearance but i did. the second and third time made me feel ALMOST sad for him. clearly this man, this thing that someone must have raised in a jungle with no morals or respect for others, has some serious issues to be able to treat someone with such disrespect and in such a hurtful & careless way. i no longer blame myself but that took a while. i now know 100% that it was always HIS issue and never mine. i will never reach out to him again & i hope he never reaches out to me again either.

Reply September 11, 2013, 12:00 pm


I agree with m’s comment that it sad that a men would play disappearing act. I feel that some of this men have not just commitment issues but this behavior is not with dating with them it is with other issues in there life.
I confronted the guy I was seeing that played the disappearing act twice. I did so because I needed to let him know that his behavior by ignoring is unacceptable. I care about him and we had been seeing each other for awhile. I don’t think that anyone should play games with peoples feelings. The first time I didn’t know if he was dead or alive because I heard that he had to go the hospital and I knew he had health issues.

I think that by confronting the person that disappeared if he or she is doing it because of past emotional problems it could help them overcome them. I felt better when I confronted him because I have found there are lot of men or women that need to respect themselves and the other person even if you think there is going to be drama. My friend knows that there will be no drama with me, because I won’t humiliate myself, so there was no reason for it. I do think that he didn’t confront me cause he was playing the game, that he would keep me in his back pocket, while he is figuring things out.

Anyway it might not be the popular thing to do, but I feel that you should confront them if you had a committed relationship.

Reply September 12, 2013, 5:49 pm


I agree depending on the circumstance. I think you are well within your rights to tell someone what you think of their childish behavior especially if they’ve done it more than once. I’m ashamed to admit that I actually gave a guy who did this to me a second chance only to have him turn around and do the same thing again, and yes…I let him have it!!! At that point I was not interested in having ANY sort of relationship with him, but I was letting him know how awful and horrible and unacceptable his behavior was…and he asked me for multiple chances afterwards even! I was proud to say, “Nope, I can’t ever give you another shot, not after what you did twice to me.” In that case confronting someone is warranted. However, if you are confronting the guy in the hopes that he will feel bad/guilty/ realize how much he truly misses you and then get back together with you, no, you should not do it! Depends totally on what your motives are in confronting.

Reply September 13, 2013, 5:47 pm


Ladies, it breaks my heart to hear how many guys have done this to us. Please don’t waste one more second on a guy who disappears! There are so many other guys out there who will gladly give us their time – those are the ones we need to value. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in a guy and feel that he is the only one out there for you, when that is so far from the truth! Go find someone who actually wants to be with you – someone that you don’t have to wonder about. Leave these boys behind and continue moving forward. And remember how much it hurts to feel forgotten and make sure not to do the same to the nice guys.

Reply September 11, 2013, 10:34 am


I love you Sabrina!
you just support and legitimate what I have done everytime a man I date disappears. if a man I date did not contact me in 2 or 3 weeks, I never initiate contact. however, he sometimes come back again wondering why I didn’t contact him. for sure I told him I am busy.
I have this experience last year, I dated a man but things were too rush in 3 months. I told him i need sometimes to think, he replied by saying that “he likes me but he doesn’t want anything serious because he just want to have fun but not in my expenses”. I was a bit disappointed but I replied that it is better to be just friend. then I stop intiating contact, I stop asking him out, for sure I stop dating him. in almost a year, we act hide and seek, I hide he seek. if he contacted me I replied, if he asked me out, I agreed only if I have time. we finnaly only see each other 3 times in 10 months. last july was our last meeting before I went for holiday, once I sent message during my holiday, he was so happy about that. he even asked me to keep contacting me. but you know… I never contact him again until now. (because he didn’t). unless last time when I sent a general invitation for an event in town , he replied by asking my holiday etc.(then we both disappear again lol!) well… I am not punishing him, but .. why should I waste my time? deep in my heart I like him a lot, but as what sabrina says, ‘don’t take it personally’, I don’t follow what I feel, but mostly follow my brain. I refer to one of his text months ago. “you only reply what I send, is that the way you think of me?”.. “we never have same schedule for going out, but you have time to go dinner with your friend” … I feel sorry for him, but I don’t want to settle for less. I am mirroring his action. he disappears I dissapear, in my context he is the one who nags….meanwhile I more enjoy my life without even think of him, because more I avoid to contact him, more I am busy, more I forget about him. at the end, I am away from heartache.
so.. Sabrina is right :)

Reply September 11, 2013, 6:58 am


OMG!! Just what I needed to read right now. Everything was great until i asked the dreaded question: what are we?”
He had disappeared 2 years ago, and we re-connected on the internet (dating site: fgo figure). And he has just done the same thing again. He has literally dropped off the face of the earth. He doesn’t reply my texts or skype messages (I eventually deleted and blocked him). He was always so communicative, so I really just want to know WHY? What changed? Why why why????? And the annoying thing is, he isn’t even the type of guy I would normally go for. But I was beside myself when I fell in Like with him. And then now he’s the one giving me the cold shoulder?! I keep telling myself it’s his loss, not mine. BUT it still is a really sucky feeling. I’m such a catch. WHY won’t these men stay in my life? :(

Reply September 11, 2013, 3:46 am


They’re not the right guy for you, that’s all. And you are probably inadvertently,,,without realizing it…choosing a certain type of guy. As I once heard someone say “your picker is broken.” There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s something wrong with these guys.

Reply September 19, 2013, 5:16 pm


Finally, this is what I’ve been wanting to read. That darn vanishing act men love to pull. Or can I say, boys. They pull you along, cause they can sense you easily are easy to manipulate. Just at the time you are convenient. Or they are lonely. Have gotten told that more times, then any woman should hear. And for a while. Everything is great. You tell your family and about this great guy. All your friends are tired of you talking about them. You feel that sense of refreshing, like I moved on. I can move on. Reassure yourself all you want to. And then poof. Gone. And they never ever come back. I actually only got a couple to talk to me again, and it was cause they initiated sex. Keep in mind. They never once touched me or kissed me. And people say well there you go that’s the problem. No it’s not! Cause I tried! And no, I did not give it to them. And it failed miserably. Or once you tell them you like them. Gone they go. Bye. Or the excuse is “we just don’t click”. But you are right. You just have to come to terms on your own, that they just aren’t that into you.

Reply September 10, 2013, 11:56 pm


Dated a guy for a few months. Everything seemed perfect. He didn’t vanish on me but he, out of the blue, sent me an email leaving me with waaaaaay too many questions. I went on a quest to find my own answers. It was a looooooong and painful journey that I don’t regret taking. I learned so much about myself, about men, stumbled on ANewMode, etc. I even learned some tough lessons. Ppl pointed things out to me that I didn’t even realize I was doing. Sure, I was the Cool Girl with no drama, no neediness, but that’s still not enough Btw, I found out that he got married soon after he emailed me. I was crushed until I found out that he married the same women that kicked his ass multiple times. I finally understood why he disappeared. Lol

Reply September 10, 2013, 10:27 pm

Marie Lloyd

I recently was seeing a men that disappeared and reappeared. I thought maybe it was his job, considering what he did for a living and I know that he was sick. That was the first time he disappeared.
The second time at first I thought he was just visiting with his kids. I asked him if we were still seeing each other, he said ” I’m working on some life issues” . In fact he told me that twice in about a month’s time.
After a period of time I figured out what he was doing, I felt very disrespected and less of a lady because of it.
In my opinion men should not get away with this kinda of behavior. It gives them permission to go on hurting others and it becomes part of our culture for men to treat women with disrespect.
I went over to his house unannounced to talk to him face to face. It was the best decision that I made in this situation. I didn’t yell or tell him off, or discuss what I thought or knew he was doing. I made the discussion about me and how he made me feel.
By confronting him I let him know that I will be respected and treated like a lady, and by him playing the disappearing act makes him less of a men.
All women need to confront the men that play this game to let them know that we will not accept this behavior as part of our dating culture.
When I left we are still on speaking terms, because I was very calm and spoke to him with respect like he should of done me.

Reply September 10, 2013, 8:55 pm


A guy did this to me once, after a few weeks of seeing each other. Then 3 months later he popped up in a text message telling me:” i don’t know why we stop talking to each other, i really don’t know why, do you?” UGh!! he reappeared with an excuse, after i tried to reach out to him on several occasions when he initially started to pull away… but was he nice enough to reply to my text back then..NO! I gave him the same treatment he showed me by not replying to his message and disappearing on him without a word….he will never hear from me again. His loss..

Reply September 10, 2013, 8:21 pm


Yes, most of us have gone through this. The guy who I was cool with for awhile did this. Both of us didn’t want a relationship, so there were no feelings. I just take it as plain disrespect when people don’t contact me back in general, so it’s not a “guy” thing with me. I don’t care who it is, friends, Direct tv, whoever, lol I don’t like it when people don’t contact me back. He blew up my phone in the beginning then he slowly faded off. I just don’t see why people act like they can’t text someone real quick and say “hey, Im really busy, i’ll try to get back with you”. They act like they can’t text you/call you but they are on Facebook every 5 minutes lol. Clearly I get the hint lol. I deleted him because I didn’t even want to see his name pop up in my newsfeed lol. I always contact people back no matter what because I’m respectful of their time. It took me a long time to get to the point where it didn’t make me mad, but I got over it because i wasn’t trying to be his woman anyway, so no loss for me. The joke is on him, so whoever he’s talking to now can have him and his drama. Now im actually in the process of talking to a guy that I want a relationship with. I’m really excited to see where things go! For those of you who think you can’t move on, you will! And pleeeeeeease delete those losers from your social media websites and YOUR PHONE!!! That way you have no way to contact them!! Get rid of the trash! If you ever run into them in public, remain classy and don’t get animated or go off on them if they try to approach you. Me personally, I would just smile and keep walking if they said hi. They wanted to be gone in the past, so they should stay gone. Let them wonder what you’re so happy about and why you’re so happy without them. Who said you had to stand there and talk to them?!! No one

Reply September 10, 2013, 7:54 pm


My boyfriend and I were together for three years, and then started having to do the long distance thing our freshman year of college. At the end of our freshman year he started becoming more and more distant. While I was away for a little bit for summer he became even more distant and I asked him what was up. He said he thought we needed to break up because he didn’t care anymore. He broke up with me by a text message after three years of dating and stopped all communication with me. I am very hurt and I did reach out on his birthday and said happy birthday and that’s it. He seemed so head over heels for me and I don’t know what happened. He honestly did everything for me and now he didn’t even care to say happy birthday to me. Why are guys to cruel? Three years is a long time to just break up over a text. I am trying so hard to move on

Reply September 10, 2013, 7:33 pm


I’ve never had a guy disappear without a trace forever. The two that went ghost on me reappeared months down the line full of apologies and wanting another chance. I think “he’s just not into you and doesn’t see this relationship going anywhere,” makes a guy that does this sound way more together and mature then he actually is and like he actually thought it through. You’re giving the guy in this situation way too much credit. A guy does this because he’s messed up. Period. Has nothing to do with the woman or the relationship.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:59 pm


In early dating, I’ve had guys ghost before. Two of them got in contact with me much, much later. Both to apologize — one said he’d literally met his now wife shortly thereafter and was just a chicken-sh!t to not tell me that and the other said he was going through a really bad patch (unexpected death in the family).

And I’ve had a couple that ghosted altogether. I think it’s not an uncommon way for guys to “end” relationships, at all. But, I absolutely agree with you that in the end it speaks to his character or perhaps life circumstances, not you or what you did “wrong”.

Better not to analyze it and just let it go. Move onto someone better.

Reply September 10, 2013, 6:12 pm


And if he reappears after a few moths? What does this mean and what to do?

Reply September 10, 2013, 4:17 pm


Could mean a few things. That he went through a rough patch and ghosted and is now back and wants a second chance. You just have to decide whether you want to take the risk on him again — is he selfish, cowardly and flakey or someone that hit a rough patch but generally is neither selfish, flakey nor cowardly?

If you decide to give him another chance, I’d make this very clear to him. That you respect yourself and value your time, energy and emotional investment. So, if he ghosts again, he’s out.

I’m a big believer in second chances (I’m willing to take the risk to find out what his character is), but third chances — no way.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:23 pm


To be fair, as a woman, I have done this to a few men, in my life time, and very recently too. So it isn’t just the male species that like to avoid the neediness and drama that can happen when you no longer see potential in a person you are just dating. If the situation wasn’t “official” as in you had had “the talk” and declared each other in a relationship with “girlfriend” & “boyfriend” status, there is no “break up” talk.

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:46 pm


Keira, I got the same thing but it was 5 years – on and off and then we became best friends forever and then he ghosted. Said he was a screw up and I deserved a better man because I deserved to be happy. I didn’t beg or plead or show hurt, I just told him I was confused when I ran into him after that. I was used to getting back together because he would make the attempt after a couple months of ghosting. Last time, I asked him what happened to the “best friends forever.” We even had a phase where he didn’t want to have sex with me. But we would cuddle and kiss. He admitted we were great together, he felt great with me but then said I was a lot of work. I know I’m not a lot of work. He’s either lazy or it’s just a cop out. I just have to keep telling myself that he only keeps coming back to me because he thinks I will take him back and to not to be his back pocket girl. It is very hard though because the sexual chemistry between us is very intense and 5 years is a long time and getting to know and get involved with someone new is something I’m not looking forward to. Funny thing though, he knew I am older and was not pressuring for commitment. I just wanted companionship. We never argued or fought. He offered all his time to me, then poof. All he said was that he wanted me to go out and meet other guys because “he wasn’t the one for me.” But his actions always spoke different than his words. I know from other sources he did not meet another woman. Then he heard I was seeing another guy, so now he says he’s seeing another woman so “we can’t be anymore.” The whole thing is so stupid. Everyone says we belonged together – that he needed me – I was his anchor – and that he loves me so much. I guess he couldn’t handle his emotions. He was losing his job, losing his place, his mother was dying. He’s in his mid 40′s and I’m in my 50′s. I just say it’s all a cop out. I never acted needy – have plenty of friends and stay busy. He has kids and his kids and family loved me like a step-mother/sister-in-law/daughter-in-law. I’ve just come to the conclusion that he can’t handle being in a committed relationship and feels that’s what I deserved. But the mystery to me is why he can’t handle being in a committed relationship. He was through two marriages earlier which left him feeling damaged. I think it gets complicated the older you are and if there are kids, etc., etc. Sabrina, sometimes I do think they want us to follow up. But whether or not it’s worth it, only time will tell. For me, I think it was worth it after he ghosted the first time. We did get heavy too quick. The second time was a year later due to a misunderstanding. The third time was because he did something stupid while drunk about 9 months later. This last time, I have no idea because it was the best the relationship had ever been. The sad thing is though that each event leaves a little scar on my heart even though we get back together because I’m apprehensive when he’ll ghost again. Of course I don’t let him know or sense this. And now I don’t think he even cares. Play with fire and you’ll get burned. Might as well make smores.

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:08 pm


Dude, stop chasing this guy. He treats you poorly time and time again. It’s not about you, but about his issues. Let him go and put your energy into someone that can treat you well.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:16 pm


When I let him go – he’s ghosts for 3 weeks – 1 month – he’s all guy but then he brakes the ice and wants to be back with me like we were. And it’s actually better, because we actually talked. He felt lost about his job, life, apartment, and his mother who was dying and wanted time to sort stuff out. Me, never get time to sort though all I’v been through. After 5 yeasrs he still wants me to find a better richer dude, with money, and no kids, and retired, like me. I’m sure of what I want. Just be yourself. if he stay away, it his loss. Give him his three months and even if it’s a new girl, he’ll be back, missing you more if you were really close. She’s a substitute for you but no strings. Men think woman want to trap then and take away their freedom and friends.All then he’ll come to you like nothing happened. If you take him back,he wiil stay for 3 months and get his itch again.

Reply September 11, 2013, 4:50 am


What about men who HAVE committed? Who HAVE declared love? Who have said they want to MARRY you? I was in a special treasured friendship with someone for 16 years, and there was always an undercurrent of romantic desire between us.

He approached me and pursued me quite ardently and we embarked on a long distance romance (we live in different states), with plans to be together a half a month (2 weeks) every month, as he wanted to base his business in my state & would be here half the time… He declared his love, and his life time commitments and we had a mini trip planned, and then his mom died, 2 investors wanted nearly a million dollars returned, and he had to move to another state, 3,000 miles away, etc., and he just went more & more within himself… And withdrew…

He cancelled our trip, and he now says he won’t be basing here in my state, and needs the proverbial “space”…

Most of what you write about is people who are just barely starting to date and even wondering if they’ll ever get to be in an actual real relationship with who they’re dating, or be called his girlfriend, and then wonder why he pulls away at that juncture… But what about those of us in well established love relationships, where you ARE his girlfriend, where he HAS declared his love for you, where he HAS said he wants to marry you and spend his life loving you, and THEN he pulls the distancing act??? What about us?

I can’t think it’s as simple as “he’s just not that into you”… That fits the barely dating folks, not deep abiding declarative love relationships that the man started and grew with the woman… So what’s the answer for those of us in THAT situation???


Reply September 10, 2013, 3:08 pm


You just have to ask yourself a very simple question — is this how you want your bf/husband to treat you? If you’re able to accept it, then accept his behavior — and realize that when stuff gets tough, he’ll pull away/withdraw and leave you hanging. That he’s far more concerned about himself and not you.

However if you want someone that will put you and the relationship first, generally, then look for a guy with those values — this guy is not him. Hard times don’t build character, they reveal it. You now know this guy’s character.

Reply September 10, 2013, 5:19 pm


Hi, Thankyou for the Blog i learnt it’s disinterest mostly that causes disappearance mostly. I met a guy he was acting all angelic.. boy was he good at it:) I couldn’t I let myself be fooled by his act… I am so ashamed of myself now that I let him take advantage of Mr. We had sex.. the sex was great.. but then I fell inlove and then he started acting like he never had sex with me… That’d when it hit me hard that he just wanted a quickone. He sstopped replying me and disappeared.. I told I was inlove and begged him to forgive me for anywrons I did.. he gave me a date when we could Meet but the day came and he was still gone… But now I know it’s pointless trying to get intorch with him. I still do miss him though … Thankyou for your tips..wink

Reply September 10, 2013, 3:06 pm


It’s. disgusting how guys treat us and we’re admonished to stay passive. It’s not fair. I’ve had guys do this to me. The last guy I just let it go I didn’t like him all that much anyway. Our convos were dry. Mind you I didn’t do anything wrong. I stopped blaming myself a long time ago. Now I’m seeing someone else. There’s always someone else .. Don’t stress it

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:56 pm


I agree with you. I like this site, it has some good advice. But…I have read a few articles that I downright disagreed with that sort of blamed the woman for a breakup. In one Eric was talking about his sister. She had been dating a guy, and things were going great, when she asked where he saw the future going. He broke up with her soon after…and Eric was basically saying his sister caused it by pressuring the guy. I read that differently…I read that as his sister was with the wrong guy, and had she NOT had that conversation THEN, she would have wasted months, maybe years, in a dead end relationship that was going nowhere! Life is really short. I honestly believe that after being with a guy for several months you should at least be able to ask them if they’re on the same page with regards to the future. If it ends, then it’s because it wasn’t going anywhere.

Reply September 19, 2013, 5:21 pm


we still text each other once a week. shame on me because I’m the one who always initiate contact.. but today i deleted his number and ready to throw him where he belong. I deserve better.. its sucks but I need to wake up in the reality that i kissed a wrong frog again..

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:48 pm


this what exactly happened to me.. all our dates are perfect, all the signs that a guy like you are present. then one day “poof” he dissappeared. .then back after 2 days I asked him what’s wrong? he said he don’t want me to get closer, but he still wanna see me and love to be with me (hangout).. its just he is afraid that he don’t get to the place where i want him to be.. he said he is sorry for him self because he knows how amazing woman I am. that i am one of the best woman he ever met.. but whatever!! his lost anyweiz.. (-_-) thanks for this post.. this what I really need to forget him..its been a month since our last date but until now I honestly can’t stop thinking about him..

Reply September 10, 2013, 2:39 pm

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