Ask A Guy: Are Men Intimidated by “Strong Women”? post image

Ask A Guy: Are Men Intimidated by “Strong Women”?


I know I am a woman of high value, worth and integrity. However, I tend to attract emotionally unavailable men and struggling what to do about this issue.

I have been told I am an alpha female and have toned down a bit since re-entering the dating scene. I think men are now attracted to me due to my recent career success, yet I think the right men are intimidated by me. Any insight?

You brought up a few points that I want to touch on.

First, let’s talk about the whole “strong woman” / “alpha female” topic.

In American culture, movies and media, there is a strong push for an archetype of the “strong woman.”

How many movies have you seen where a woman acts like a complete pain in the ass the whole movie and the protagonist dude chases her around the entire movie like a puppy dog? I’ve even seen it in a children’s movie (I think it was “How to Train Your Dragon”).

The fact is – it’s not real life!  Guys with any power to choose will actively avoid women who act like a pain in the ass.

Why would a guy want to choose a negative influence in his life?  Why would he want to invite someone in who minimizes him and doesn’t appreciate him. Other than true masochists, guys who have choice don’t want this.

I bring this up because often times when a woman tells me she’s an “alpha female” or “strong independent woman,” alarm bells go off in my head.

Reason being:

  • Strong people don’t need to tell you they’re strong… people who are scared of being taken advantage of do…
  • Independent people don’t need to tell you they’re independent… people who are scared of losing themselves in another person do…
  • Alpha people don’t need to tell you they’re alpha… true alpha men and women tend to be compassionate and have nothing to prove. Controlling people often mistaken themselves as alpha… when really they’re the opposite.

Now, I’m not saying all of this to accuse you of being these things.  I am bringing them up to highlight that our culture has a huge misconception of what is actually desirable.

Before certain members of the audience accuse me of being a “misogynist” or “degrading to women”… relax.  I am not advocating some old-fashioned viewpoint that women should be nice, quiet, agreeable creatures who exist solely to please their husband. In fact, what I talk about goes for men and for women.

What I’m advocating in this post is to identify insecure behaviors masquerading as admirable traits.

I know all sorts of truly alpha women in my life.  Truly alpha guys too.  And I can tell you – they don’t walk around all day thinking about how they’re alpha.

Rather than calling it “truly alpha”… let’s call it being secure and self-sufficient.

When someone is secure and self-sufficient:

  • They don’t need to control other people.  They are relaxed and guide without
  • They have tact and compassion – they can say what they mean clearly without being offensive or arguing.
  • They have nothing to prove - they do as they do for their own reasons and desires.
  • They are whole and fulfilled because they live their life by their own standards and don’t seek fulfillment through others.
  • They are emotionally open and unguarded.  They are secure enough to know that they can defend themselves if necessary, so they don’t need to keep a constant guard up to drive people away.  Insecure people guard their emotions highly, since they fear that if they let their guard down they’ll lose themselves in another person or get hurt.
When you see it from that angle, anyone would be attracted to true alphas.
Unfortunately, our culture is currently confusing what is alpha with it’s opposite: being demanding, controlling and disagreeable.
Bullies are not alpha.  Bullies are men and women who are deeply afraid on the inside, so they stop at nothing to control other people (even if it means through fear, intimidation, etc.)

If you have those types of traits, you’re only going to attract two types of people:

  • People who don’t really care about you, so they don’t really care how you act… (a.k.a. emotionally unavailable)
  • Aimless, spineless people who co-dependently need you to control them.

If you feel that you are attracting emotionally unavailable men to you, I suspect it could have to do with some of these behaviors.  The truly alpha side of you is great.

If you have any behaviors that could be construed as bullying, demanding, disagreeable or controlling, then you’ll do best to lay them to rest.

You can have control without being controlling.  You can have agreement without being disagreeable.  You can have your desires met without demanding them.  And you can have compliance without intimidating the other person.

In the words of Benjamin Franklin [Tact and Tactfulness]:  A spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.

Hope it helps,

eric charles

P.S. Want to finally understand what’s going on in his head and get the relationship you’ve always wanted? Click here to learn what most women would kill to discover about men.

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Anais July 25, 2013, 12:27 pm

Yeah like Janine and Anna, I’m confused because it DOES seem like men these days prefer women who are a “pain in the ass” lol. I mean no one likes someone who is agreeable all the time but I keep seeing guys choose girls who are jealous, loud and controlling over ones who are more traditionally feminine. And they say stuff like it’s “hot” if a woman likes to cuss, argue and put him in his place. Maybe these guys are masochists?

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Anna June 4, 2013, 12:57 am

I have the same comment as Janine, I am sorry but I know many men who decide to chase, to commit and to love women who are a pain in the ass.

I know one who got engaged to a very jealous woman, so jealous that she tricked him with a fake facebook account. The guy could have any girl he want, he is handsome, smart, good looking and very well endowed ;) But no, he wants that one. The one that flirts with other guys in bars, but makes his life a living hell if he looks away 1 second.

I also just got dumped by a guy who went back to his ex… also jealous, does not leave him hang out alone with girl friends, and already pushes him to move in together after 8 months together when he clearly said he did not want that. And I’m not even talking about marriage and kids issues.

So I don’t know what you mean Eric. Maybe all of these guys are just immature and sado-masochists. Maybe these guys you are talking about represent only 15% of the male population. It’s depressing. Sometimes I think “why don’t I act like that?”, because I feel it would be more efficient.

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Janine Hasson May 22, 2013, 1:07 pm

I guess I just know many masochistic men, I just can’t wrap my mind around why these guys stay with the women they constantly complain about how they want to control them constantly bitching then these guys want to cheat on the women but won’t leave them. I suppose if they really wanted a better life they would leave (I did) these guys must just feel they really deserve this treatment and I do know the women these guys aren’t lying to me.

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Sasha November 30, 2012, 11:15 am

The articles here are truly enlightening Eric! :) The tips here are practical and it worked like wonders!!!

It just makes me a better human being with good well-being overall :)

Thank You!! :D

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Amber November 9, 2012, 2:13 pm

Finally!!! Someone explained what intimidating means in a relationship. I know of many women who have considered this word a complement and are still alone…blaming other people for why they can’t find or stay in a caring relationship. Confidence has been misinterpreted with the term “alpha” which to a point, isn’t a bad thing. But when the person likes the label of an asshole-well, that’s a horse of a different color. As for Sia, I know that I got in on this convo late, and I hope by now that you have moved on, but my advice to you is to drop that looser(if you haven’t already). Charge what has happened between the two of you to the game of life; if you have happy moments that you can remember, remember them and move on. From what I could understand in your writing, this guy isn’t emotionally mature and you got played with one of the oldest tricks guys use to get with a woman. No woman needs that kind of male in her life unless she’s raising him–not sleeping with him.

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Sia June 2, 2012, 8:26 am

Hi,
I dont know if I am doing it rite at this moment. I have met a guy from my work where he chased me for about 2 months and where I stayed aloof and had all the control of the situation. Later he proposed to me and explained that I am his first which was quite amusing for me howveer it was acceptable that a guy never had dated a gal before as he as really occupied with other priorities in life. After when I have said yes, we hardly meet anywhr , I sometimes go to his place and spend time but soon I see him running out of time and find his saying I need to do this and that which ofcourse freaks me out . Soon after 2 months of our relationship we have fallen in a hate – love relation where we hardly talk apart from a eye contact at office and nothing else .. He has turned out to be not calling no texting no replies and no nothing it it very alarming to me that the guy who had said so many thinsg about commitment and future plans with me now compliants tht I alway initiate fite , I ask him when i am unanswered of few texts and calls, I respect his time however I expect him to respond to atleast of my calls … and jus tell me if he can talk to me later or i give me time t call him. The reason i call or text him is only coz we have never been out not even once as a couple , I have been to his place a few times and nothing more apart from that , no initiation from his side and when i ask him some times he says ( that is when i am at his place he loves me crazy , and at work yes he always has his eyes on me but he never comes and talk to me as he use to do before whn i ask him y have u changed and you dont call or come n talk to me sometimse he says i am damn busy or i am busy with my gf , or watsoever , and when i am angry he jus smiles and says can u dnt understand that i love u but i cant give the time u need at this moment and do i really have to say things can u not feel what i feel for you? Recently i told probably we shld break as i am tired of running around him to figure out if he loves me or hsa gotten over me already he didnt say a word and just passed the entire conversation in a jovial way.. he said u should understand. And one more imp point when i asked him if i dnt contact will yu not contact me he said i wouldnt as i have nvr done that … and if i choose other guy over him he would think that i am happy to make such a decision and he would not force me to get back with him… WHAT IS THIS .???? Please i am very heart broken and i dont want to be a doormat sort of thing i have my own diginity and cant see it ruined like this … IS HE PLAYING ARND AND IS IT ALL OVER JUST GETG AWAY WITH ME … I would appreciate your prompt reply … i seriously need help i jus feeling unanswered and unfaith … :(

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Lea May 6, 2012, 8:31 pm

I loved this post XD it was so funny ” Guys with any power to choose will actively avoid women who act like a pain in the ass.” OMG XD Now I understand so many things! that phrase is helpfull !

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Alyssa April 25, 2012, 10:33 am

I read every email I get from you and you are amazing at what you do. I loved this post. Actually it enlightened me a ton. If no one has ever asked you, I am…. keep doing whatcha do! =)

Au revoir !

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Melissa April 24, 2012, 9:50 pm

Thanks Eric … I now understand the difference!! I am a survivor of domestic violence and still have a ways to come, yet everyday is a new opportunity to grow into the true woman that God created me to be!!

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alpha April 24, 2012, 4:23 pm

You nailed this one! When I met my ex I was secured and self-sufficient – a true alpha female – and lived the life I wanted without caring what people think. I didn’t have to ask for anything yet he wanted to give me whatever I wanted and even went out of his comfort zone to please me. After a few months, he wouldn’t ask me to be his gf but beat around the bushes of what he wanted; I became insecure and started to lose confidence. I couldn’t ask him what I wanted, became guarded and that started our disconnections and lead to our break up.

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